The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 10/23/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #122

Episode Date: October 23, 2013

Comedian Felipe Esparaza calls in. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Streamed live on 10/23/2013.

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Or just go to joeydeas.net and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. Oh shit. Oh shit. Wednesday. October 23rd. Some coffee. You got your heart on. Who's better than you? You got some refa.

The dick is hard. Fuck it. If your clit's hard, fuck it. It's Wednesday, cock sucker. Get up. Here you go. A little Roxy music to fucking blow some smoke on your ass. But do it the fucking flying Jew in the house with this Red Sox shirt

But you could do whatever the fuck you want for that Strapper on and get the fuck out there Wave him like a flag Fuck it! I'm here like an astronaut! You see an astronaut gets there? He plants that fucking flagging and then he says suck my dick Martians Uncle fucking astronauts here Oh shit What is a cop with an eye patch sing?

a weird Beets go Where the beat Maybe he got stabbed an eyeball Like you I'm gonna stab you In the fucking eyeball

This ball Is he gonna do You know what I'm telling It's a fucking video From the 80s You get on the sight What's happening People?

It's a beautiful Motherfucking Day to be alive And you're in this motherfucker The church Or what's happening Now we're back

Bitches Lee Syatt Look at a mad flavor Early fucking Wednesday Morning letting you know What the fuck is going on What the fuck is going on?

What's happening? though. Everything all right. Everything's perfect. Fucking beautiful day to be alive. I can't believe it. I'm going to fucking Nashville tomorrow. I've been away from my fucking family for a week. I miss him. The house is quiet, but fuck it. It's me

and the cats. The apocalyptic. We're waiting and shit. I haven't done much this week. I'm going to go out tonight and do some comedy. Ontario was great, you know, but I took a couple nights off. I just been working out and writing. And it's funny you are, I've been trying to write this fucking book

and I hired this chick finally to help me, Julie Isaacs and I got together with it. In the last two weeks, basically, I've just been nailing the chapters because I was just writing very wildly, you know, and I had a thought of where it's going, but now I got a common thread. And I sat down with it,

and I've been writing like a fucking lunatic. But it's the shit that I'm not writing about that fucked me up last night. I was, you know, there's some people, and this is how it came to my mind when I was writing all this shit down I was writing about 1980 and 1981

you know the little things I was doing and the people I was hanging with and how that particular handful of people kind of saved me those were the real people that saved me it wasn't the people that showed him when my mother died

it was the people that it was those months afterward those kids, a Vilo that calls the podcast Didi Kintero his brother Carlos called the podcast There was a few lubs who's called the podcast. Those kids were around me all the time

and were watching me. And I was fucking up. I was slipping, you know. But it was right around the time the Ozzy Osbourne came out, the blizzard of Oz, September of 80. By September in 1980, and I'm looking at you're in the eyeballs

and I'm telling you, some people tell you they're a fucking gangster. Okay. At that time in my life, I was a fucking gangster. I didn't know it. I had no fucking idea. What do you mean gangster?

I was a gangster. I lived off a fucking crime and I was crime 24 hours a day. And I had 92 fucking scams going. And I was in the middle, without even knowing, I was really in the middle scratching the surface with a lot of mob guys. I didn't know it. I had an idea, but I didn't know exactly who these people were. Do you know what I'm saying?

I didn't fucking have a clue. You know, in 1980, the beginning of my junior year, I was selling ups. I was selling acid. I was selling mesclant. I was selling weed. We were dabbling in Coke. We were fucking robbing stereos. You know, not from cars, but from seers and shit like that.

We were moving stolen merch. It was, you know, we were fucking around with this gas station, that Putnam Fuel and Tunnel Avenue. I don't know how many times I robbed that fucking gas station. What year was Michael's Jewelers? 82. Okay. But by that time, I had slowed down a little bit. I wasn't, no, no, yeah.

You know, I was involved in the same shit, which is when you're out there seven days a week, you do whatever you do. One week, it might be coke. One week, somebody might come to me and go, dog, got a ton of fucking coke. You got to get rid of. You got to give me some money. All right, let's do it. You got to throw me some blow. And that's what you moved that week.

Sometimes you're at a bar on a Tuesday and somebody comes in and says, dog, we bumped into a fucking truckloaded ladies. fucking shoes. That week I'm a lady's shoe sales. The following week, you know, you got to steal fucking Parker pens. Parker pens used to be huge in the 80 and cross pens. You know, it was constant. It was my state of mind. I worked at a lumber yard. Right after my mom died about three or four months after that my friend, political Pete quit his lumberyard job. And he goes, I want to give it to somebody that'll steal. They have to keep stealing because if not the guy I know I stole. That's how crazy is this.

And when they gave me the job, I had to meet the different employees, and all of them were telling me, you know, if you come to work here, you're gonna steal. Like, they didn't say it to me, but they kind of said it to me, you know what I'm saying? Because they all stole.

This was their livelihood. This was a lumberyard. It was called Rendell Lumber and Marine. It was owned by a guy named Richie Werdeman, and it was a lumberyard, and I was the stock guy in the back, and they sold 2x4s and 4x8 plywood, but they also sold marine plywood,

which is dipped in some fucking substance, so it's waterproof. Okay. So those fucking plywoods are expensive. So let's say regular plywood at the time was 2498 for outside plywood, 4x8, half inch, whatever. Okay. The marine stuff was $74 a sheet.

That was fucking outrageous. So people come in and look at me, and go, you know, the guy that used to work here before, used to give me a deal. How many fucking, you know, 4 by 8 sheets you want? We want 50 of them. At 30 bucks apiece, that's 1,500 bucks when you're a fucking sophomore in high school or junior in high school. And you could take that much without them noticing?

They would never even notice it. There was so much fucking wood back there. There was so much fucking wood. And we always had a big order. We always had a big wood order every day. We're building houses. So he couldn't keep up with 40 sheets. I was stealing 40 sheets a day.

Easy. I was stealing 40 sheets a day. I was stealing paneling. They had a wirehouser paneling. I was stealing paneling. People would just come with a truck. They had no cameras then. They had no cameras.

So Richie Worderman was up in his office on the second floor 100 yards away. The truck in the back. So you would load the truck and then they come to the front and pay. A lot of times you just told them, don't drive up to the front. Just give me the cash.

So, look, when I worked at a movie theater, there were people who had scams where they would ring one, chop the bar in, and give them two, or however it worked. But they always had to do math to make sure that it wasn't way off. You got to do math. You got to do math. You got to do math. So you would do math. You wouldn't just pocket it. Like, would you be like, okay, I did this? I can't give this one out or I can only do this much because then it looks suspicious.

Like, what? Okay, some guy comes in, he buys an electric fan. Let's say he had a flood and he buys 19. 20 fans, an even number. Okay. And each fan's $20. So 20 fans are $20 is what? $400.

Yeah. I would press 20. I would charge him for one fan. And he would pay me 400 cash. I put the $400 in the register. And then before the edge of the day, I'd take the $3.80 out of there, some way or another.

That was if I brought it to the register. Oh, okay. Sometimes you cut the deal right in the fucking lot, and they just drove away. What was that guy doing? Oh, nothing. I told him he wanted a fucking 10 sheets of plywood. He didn't want to pay $50.

It was fucking mind-boggling, and everybody was stealing. The old man was stealing. The Truncelito was stealing. The kid Jack the Finn was stealing. That was his name, Jack Finn. That was his real name. F-I-N-N, he was an Irish kid. Everybody was fucking stealing at this place.

I went to work basically to steal. There was pay-days. I wouldn't show up. Pay-day was on Friday, and just to make a point, I wouldn't show up on payday. Because you could wait a guy like $200 in the morning. I already got him for. I mean, I was probably robbing from this guy. Everybody at the store, you know, electric drills, you know, Sanders.

I mean, it was fucking crazy. And I guess the guy was into something, so he didn't give a fuck that everybody was robbing him. It was fucking crazy. So now on top of that, remember at that time, I'm buying coke for cops. There's a bunch of cops that need coke and they don't want to go to a drug dealer, so there's one cop would come to me and I'd sell him coke. So I had that covered. I had the yups for the wrestlers.

I had the fucking acid for the girls. I had the mescaline for the girls and for the party. You know, I used to pay $90 for 100 hits of mescaline. And I'd sell them for $3 a piece when I was a junior in high school. I'd go through 300 hits a week or just mescaline. So I was making two fucking 10 there, 220, 210 there right there. So at 630 I was making just on mescalant. Never mind on Riefer and on acid and on fucking Coke and on the fucking, you know.

And I was eating out three meals. I eat at Hashway Street meals and you know you're 16 and everybody else is eating fucking food from the house and me and my buddies are a chance dragging in eating steak of the stick. This is how I started going on a chance, you know, because I had the dough. I thought I was floating that fucking those drugs. So that's a full-time 24-hour day. I was, I knew some people. I told you that the week John Lennon got shot a little before that I fucking scanned these checks and I cashed them and got like 20 grand. I'm fucking 17.

I'm fucking 17 With 20 grand in your sock drawer I think he said right With 20 grand in my sock There's no ATM machine You put a card and took 20 out That was in your draw So I'm thinking about this time

I'm going Jesus fucking Christ All these people talk about being gangsters That's gangster And I was going to school That's even more gangster I'm a junior in high school I'm going to fucking school Now you weren't like a drug dealer

Like okay When I go down and pick up the girl And I make a turn of a turn of around a curve. There's 18 black guys that with no shirts on and like they're the drug dealers No. But like you were just like no People just knew in school to go to you. In school. People would ask. Because I'm here shaking

my head like yeah, yeah you were getting because I'm like you fucking were selling Coke and going and doing it. I was going to Dave and Busters on a skip day where we were all frightened if we skipped one day in senior year and we went and played video games. I'm like I don't think anyone like do you understand how crazy it is?

That's crazy. There was no... Listen, when we skipped days, it was to rob a beer truck, take the beers down the hill, and drink them at somebody's house. Somebody would buy a nickel bag of weed. We'd roll seven joints. We'd maybe take a hit of mesclan,

and that would be our fucking hooky day. Jesus. There was no fucking bathing buses in our world, though, at all. The fact that... Just having beer at that point would have been like, oh, we had beer, that's cool. You fucking robbed a beer truck. I used to rob a beer truck.

I would have still be hiding. And not like getting a beer truck and start the thing. In those days, they only sent one driver. So when the drivers went in to deliver the beer, you robbed. You pulled up their thing and took a case of the beer. Everyone's walked by and like, oh, it'd be so easy to steal. But you actually fucking did it. We fucking stole them.

And we did this constantly. Like constantly, we did that shit constantly. And we did it up to the point where we started getting cars. Like pulling up to a beer truck with somebody in a car and ripping the fucking thing open. But I was just thinking about this last night and how much pain I was in. But to avoid the pain at that time, that's all I did, was try to take my mind off it by scamming. Where I was living, you know, when I moved in with the vendors, I was basically 15 years old. I was four months away from turning 16.

There wasn't a curfew at that house. You came and you went like any other, like now, like I come and go now. I did not have a curfew at that time. time. Neither than the guy John. You know, I was writing about John. I don't talk to John today. I talked to Bobby. The first people that took me in was John Bender, Jimmy Bender, Bobby, Renee, Jimmy the father, and the mother, Anna. Today, I don't talk to Hannah. She hates me. You know, John and me don't talk. I got a thing to make. You know, I hate when people use people, you know. Like people in L.A. like to use people. They call you up. We had

to chat the other day on the phone about podcasts. People always contact us when they want to do a podcast We tell them what they want to do But they always want to talk to Lee Well, I got to talk to Lee You know, I want to talk to your friend I want to talk to your friend And I'll say, well, he's busy

Or he's working because I know what they want They want for you to take him to the guitar center Buy the things for them, set it up for them Pretty much hold their hand Throughout the whole podcast And after six weeks they're realizing They're not getting nowhere They'll start getting late for the podcast

Eventually they'll just say I don't want to do the podcast no more. And we invested three or four hours with them telling them how to do the podcast because I've done it before. I've met people on my days off when I didn't need. I could have been doing something more creative.

I've met people to say, oh, I want to do this podcast on this. I got a great idea. You sit with them. They do it for five or six weeks. They're calling me the whole fucking time, you know, torture me. Can you retweet it?

Yeah, okay, you do it. You help them out. Then one day they call you in. They're like, you know what, man? my partner and it's seven or eight weeks they don't even make it for like a year it's seven or eight weeks because the commitment fucking level is

and we were talking about how people call you and they'll try to use you and I gotta admit something on the air here you know I've never gone out of my way to use anybody like I just don't believe it once you've been used you feel it's not a good feeling it's like getting cheated on it's not a good feeling all these people are like

cheating on people and shit it's not a good feeling getting cheated on you feel like fucking death you know. So if you feel like that, why would you do that to somebody? You know? And last night, I can't lie to you people. The last couple times I've written about John, I realized one thing that in the way I used John, you know, and it came back to bite me in the ass. That's why I've never used anybody again. Was he the guy who was he the cop brother? He was the cop's brother. He was Bobby's brother.

Okay. And John and I fought in the sixth grade over something stupid or the seventh grade. he beat me up. You know, he got the better half of me. For two reasons. Me, at the time, I think I needed a beating. And at the time, there was nothing I could do about it. I learned what fighting was about. You fight and you move on to the next day. And I always thought I would catch John some other time. But he became such a good friend to me months after that fight.

He went out of his way. His guilt got in front of him. He realized I was a good kid and the whole thing was a misunderstanding. So we got into a fight and I guess, you know, he broke my nose or whatever and popped my lip. I broke his nose. Whatever the fuck happened, he felt a lot guilty than I did. So he always went out of his way to be my friend. Like he was always a year older than me, John. So he always, he drove.

Okay. When I was a sophomore, the year my mother died, he picked me up for school. I didn't have to walk that big fucking hill. he'd pick me up first me and then he picked up these two girls and we'd get to school and he had a park but it avoided fucking walking that hill he picked me up every morning I couldn't fucking believe when I was a freshman and he was a sophomore he picked me up every morning for school and then picked me up sophomore year then my mother died and then he went to his house and made a case and fought and it was funny because he fought for me thinking that I was gonna he had a built-in friend

that's what he wanted he thought I was going to move in with him we were going to get twin beds in the room and we were going to watch TV and hang out and do shit John didn't get high John didn't drink

John wasn't even an athlete John wanted to fuck chicks ugly fucking chicks and bring him in the bedroom and I fucking couldn't stand these women that he would bring so I really didn't hang with John like in his mind I was moving in

so we could watch TV again and he could have a built-in friend, like a brother, his age. I didn't care for that at all. I didn't want that in my life at all. I just wanted to fucking hang out with Didi and my friend's Glenconti and the villa and all that shit. So every time he'd ask me every night, what are we doing till it? We're going to watch a movie?

Fuck you watch a movie. I'm going out, bitch. So the longer this went on, he went to his mother. And he would go, Ma, I don't fucking know. I told him to move in here because I wanted a friend, and he's not even my fucking friend. And then when I started hanging out with his older brother And doing certain things with Bobby

He went to his parents and said No he's doing drugs He's doing this So it took a long He said him and his mother sighed against me And again I don't blame him I do not blame him Because when I moved into that house

I moved into that house with the I didn't I didn't even realize it till afterward That he wanted me to move in So he had a friend he could hold hands with Don't watch cartoons That wasn't in my fucking world You know what I'm saying?

Whenever I came home, I was high, and he would get furious. He would lose it at night when I got home. You're fucking doing drugs again. You're a fucking loser. That's it. You're out of here in a week, and I would just say, fuck you, and go to bed. That was it. That's how I lived.

I didn't give a fuck. I had no mother. What are you going to do to me? The fuck are you going to do to me? What are you going to say to me? You're out? I don't give a fuck. I'll get some place else to live.

But afterward, what did I realize? What he expected and what had. what had turned out with two different fucking things. And today, when we see each other, it sucks. It sucks. Because he gives me a hug. I give him a hug. But I know in my heart what really happened.

And he's hurt. Till today, he's hurt. He came to the... After I did the longest shot, I did a party in Jersey City and did comedy on a Friday night. And him and his sister, and their niece came. And I hugged him and we talked and we did the whole thing, but I could see that, you know, he wasn't,

and he follows me on Facebook. Once a year, he makes a comment on Facebook. Once a year, I'll make a comment on Facebook. And it kind of bothers me. I came to the conclusion last night the next time I go home, I got a knock on his door like a man and apologize. You know, last night I almost called Carlos Cantero. It was 10 o'clock at night, Los Angeles time.

And it was 1 o'clock in the morning, New Jersey time. And Carlos was my friend Dede's older brother. So me and Dedy was 16. Carlos was maybe 20, 21. You know, I talked to Carlos today as much as I talked to him 30 years ago. Whenever I go home, I took him to a UFC one time, him and his wife, and I know the kids and the whole thing. I almost called Carlos last night having an anxiety attack saying,

what the fuck was going on when we were kids? I mean, when I look at my eyes in the morning, yeah, and before I put Vizina on them, I'm brushing my teeth. I could see little brown veins in my eyes. Those are the veins that blew up. On Friday nights, me and Dede, used to get a bottle of vodka,

sometimes Wolschmidt, sometimes poop off. It all depended on the money we had. The silver label, I think it was a little bit more. There's like a red smearanoff, and there's like a silver label, Shmaryl, that's like a little bit more proof. Yeah.

And we drink it with Gatorade and take a Kualoo. Oh, Jesus. And we'd sit in his brother's room because his brother had the TV and the stereo and the water bed and the whole thing and we'd sit there and watch TV and then we'd wait for his brother to come home about 3, 3.30 from the clubs

and he'd give us one little line of coke and then he'd say you guys got to leave the room. I'm bringing a girl over. And we'd go outside into the street and we'd sit down on a porch on this one line of coke and talk nonsense for an hour.

You know, like man, this is great. Oh my God. I wish I could listen to Sabbath bloody Sabbath now. I wonder what Ozzy Osbourne's doing. I mean, the conversations were just fucking idiotic but that was my childhood man it's sad that I almost did call

him last night and go what the fuck was going on you know what the fuck happened what the fuck happened yeah you because you did a testicle testament on 82 83 so that like it was like four or five years were pretty crazy

those but that was two years before testicle test that's what I'm saying yeah so but I'm saying from 80 to 83 or whatever we had this guy's name was Freddie, he was a man. He was a grown man with two kids and a big, fat woman, wife. And he lived at the bottom floor of, there was this building in our neighborhood, a house, a three-floor house, that if you looked at the street going up the hill, it didn't look

like it belonged there. It didn't look like it belonged, this house there. Okay. And on this street, where Irishmen, like the Hablichicks lived there, cousins to Glenn Havlicek from the Boston Celtics, the Finkels lived there. guy that played for the Celtics it's a weird street one of the Finkels he was seven foot he was a center in the late in the early 70s or something he was cousins to somebody from north perig and they lived on that block Mario Diaz lived on that block who did karate

Cuban Chinese kid he did kung fu and every night we go over there and kick the fuck out of each other bunch of martial this is the eighth grade seventh grade the celthos lived on that block it was just a block that had white families on it well in that morning three-story house it was the fucking Adams family house it didn't belong on the block like all these houses had neat lawns and everything was clean in front of the house this one three story house in the middle of the block was a fucking nightmare the door was ripped off it and guess who lived there the one black fucking family if she was white with a black kid the name was marlow and she had to be five foot two four hundred pounds

when she was 10 years old she was the fattest black chick you ever saw and she had the fucking unga bunga hair, you know, Afro, that looked like somebody combed it with a stick of dynamite. So she always got tortured. I got along with Marlowe. I never had a beef from Marlowe. And then it was like these dirty, fucking white people, like, looked like they belong.

It was like the only low-rent hub subsidy house on the block. But the one fucking house, the one guy, there was Marlowe, Marlowe's mother who was completely white trash. There was another white trash family. On the bottom floor live Freddy. was the gas station guy at this place called Putnam Fuel, who's still there, Putnam Fuel. And this kid, I needed a job. So I told this kid I needed a job.

He got me a job there. And him too, he told me, Julio Gamio told me you got a steal here. Everybody steals on here. So the shift I got put on with was this Freddie guy. And after a few weeks of working with Freddy, I realized Freddy was a complete dunce. I mean, I hate to say this about somebody. There's some people that are fucking little off like me. there's some people that are just fucking stupid

and then you get to the dunce level where this poor guy was a dunce like the best job he was ever going to get was at this gas station and now he was married and had a kid and the woman he married was a dunce and this kid were probably dunce's oh yeah so this is going to be the fucking dunce family

on this block so I'm working with this guy this guy's a grown fucking man I'm the one that talked them into it at 16 to rob the gas station like I'm like Freddy how much do you fucking turn in every night about 4,000. Like, oh, Friday, I'm I hitting the fucking head one night,

and we just robbed you. You think we'd get away with it? Yeah, so one night, me and Dedy went down and punched him to the head like 15 times and took his fucking money. And I'll never forget that all he wanted was a fucking eight ball. Like, that's all this idiot wanted

was a fucking eight ball. He's like, I don't care what you take from me, just make sure my percentage is an eight ball. And I'm like, okay, you know. And we get down there. We rob him. I don't know what he had on him. We hit him in the head.

I think Didi put his head through the glass. It was fucking glass. The glass broken shit. The whole fucking thing. He's looking at Dee Dee. What? What? And we leave.

We take the money. We chop it up. And then we go buy an eight ball, but there's only one eight ball. The only guy only had one eight ball. So like, fuck. We'll buy it. We'll do a grand. And we'll fucking give the rest of Freddy at two in the morning.

We'll go meet him or whatever. Well, we dipped into this fucking bag. We never stopped. We did the whole A-ball. I remember the next day, he called, and we went over there. He's like, where's my eight-ball? Me and my wife were waiting all the night. They were fucking momo's bullshit.

And we were like, Freddy, it was only one A-ball, and we fucking did it. What do you want? And his wife got pissed off this, and she went. He went to the cops. He told the cops the truth that we had robbed them, that me and Dedy had binging them on the head. But I lived at the guy, I worked at the gas station. It was the dumbest thing on the world.

The cops was like, what are you fucking talking about? So we got away with murder. I kept my job. I said, I didn't know what he was talking about, and the rest was fucking history. God knows where Freddy is. He's probably at some home getting in the head with a fucking hammer at this point in the game.

You know what I'm saying? So he should have taken fucking alpha brain, that cock suck it. Those fucking momos like that, you give him some fucking alpha brain that head will blow up. There was no alpha brain. Then what are you going to do?

Sorry about taking on these fucking stories this morning, Lee. I just thought it was really interesting last night. What had happened to me last? No, is that all your, not all, but is that mainly what your book focuses on those years? No, no, no, no. What the book focuses on basically now is the last words my mother,

like the week before my mother died, we had a little tiff. And she took me aside and just told me, I want you to grow up to be a man. I don't want no beef with you. I don't want to tell you how to live your life. There's different things you got to do. And it was weird that I didn't realize what she was saying until I was at the wake, you know, that what she wanted for me, what she expected for me.

a man that goes around and beats people. She just wanted to be the complete man, to be a good guy, to pay my bills, to honor somebody, to be a man, you know. And all those years that I was doing blow and fucking up, I didn't feel like I was honoring her deal. You know, it didn't. It doesn't feel like I honored it

until about six or seven years ago. You know, yesterday I went to see Dr. Amy. Mm-hmm. Just to say hello. I go see Dr. Amy every week at 1 o'clock, 1.30 every Tuesday, and I have been. And here's the sick thing. You know what me and Amy figured out yesterday?

What? How many years I'm going to see Dr. Amy for a little? I don't know. Eight fucking years. Jesus. So you did it for two years when you're on Coke? Yeah. I probably started with Amy

probably December of 2005. Okay. And I did Coke. Not with Amy, but I did Coke while I was going to Dr. Amy maybe for probably a year. Wow. A year and a half while I was going back.

And she would put needles in my ear. for the addiction and I would go home and make sure I snort a coke so the acupuncture wouldn't beat my addiction until today man I have some I got to be honestly I have some I have some I have some I don't know how to say the word I'm not as smart as you people I have thoughts that maybe the acupuncture helped break the addiction but in a subtle way she kept sticking a needle in my ear so much and we kept working on the addiction every Tuesday that eventually my body just gave up you know I like to also think that, you know, because the acupuncture attacks your spirit as much as your, it makes you balanced, and it opens up the chi, it opens up the fucking, you know, it's just really good for you, acupuncture. And the way she breaks it down, like yesterday, she did a great cleanse.

I slept like a baby lap. I don't know what it is, but Tuesdays, I sleep like a fucking baby. The minute that she takes that last needle on me, I'm putting my shirt on, I got to go to the bathroom. She says goodbye, I hug her, I pay her money, I go to the bathroom and I pee. and it's not yellow and it's not white it's this cloud like she cleans out

my fucking kidneys and liver just by going to see her and she tells me when you leave here today the rest of the day I want you to drink water I basically go home and fill up a fucking thing

of water from the machine and I drink that whole thing like watching Sons of Anarchy or whatever the fuck I watched that night on Tuesday I slept like a baby last night man I slept fucking hard

like I went to bed of 10 kind of depressed about what I was just telling you about a little bit. Yeah. Because when I went to bed, I couldn't shut off my mind, so it was still,

those thoughts were still in my mind of what was going on at that time. And it's weird. I basically put on an album last night that I used to listen to, we used to go to that Kidavillo that calls in here that has the band, the Pass Masters.

Yeah. He had a house in the backyard. He had a shed. And I would go to the shed at night. And it would be him, Coco Dempsey, a couple guys from downtown. And, you know,

during the week, it was light. During the week nights, it was light, but we go out every night. Hube's come down. He'd take a bus down. He'd bring Riefer. And it would be no heat back there. And we'd go back there, dog, like it was fucking 90-degree weather. And we'd get fucking not coked up at the time. Because those kids weren't into coke. We'd get acid and mescaline and we'd smoke weed and fucking, uh, there was no TV. I didn't

watch TV that at all. And we listened to music. He had a big Marshall amp. He had an amp. He didn't have speakers. This motherfucker had a fucking amp. You plug a guitar in two? Yeah. Yeah. And that's what we listened to amps. He had two amps.

There was a drum kit back there, and we listened to the popular albums at the time. I mean, we listened to everything, but the ones that were always in rotation that time were the wall. Okay. And Cars Candio. The Wall was a great album, and still is a great album. The Car's Candio is a great album,

but it had a different effect on me. You know, it has some great songs. I had the dangerous type. And whenever I put that out, like when I hear songs of it, it's great. Like when I hear individual songs, when I put the album together,

after two or three fucking songs, it takes me back to that place. And I get those feelings. I'm scared. I get confused. You know, I wanted answers. I didn't have any fucking answers. I didn't know what I was going to do with my life.

You know, most people were talking about college already and how they were applying for loans and all this shit. And I didn't even know what the fuck they were talking about. You know, and I remember what I was feeling. I wanted to be like everybody else, you know. It was just bad fucking feelings, man. No wonder I did drugs. No wonder I fucking did drugs.

I was just sitting there last night in the state of anxiety plus. It was like anxiety plus. It wasn't even anxiety. It was way past anxiety. I was scared to get up because I fucking pass out probably, you know. But it's just fucking weird what you go through sometimes when you write and you put yourself there. You put yourself there for a fucking few weeks and, What are you on doing?

You know what I'm saying? So hopefully this book will be done And we get this all I'm sick of fucking talking about this shit Lee, the fucking book And I just want to get this done. Hopefully we get this published. I'm going to publish it myself

And then probably turn it into an audio book. Yeah. That's the ticket. You guys want audio. I'll give you fucking audio. Where's the music? Lee Copsucker. We need some music.

Wednesday, get up. Get up. Get up. Wash your pussy. Wash your feet. Stick a fucking cue tip in your ear. Get that wax out. You want to listen to what the fuck people

is saying. Lee, what are you doing? Where's the music? I'm about to spark. Go ahead, put the music on. Who gets what's talking? Mm. Mm.

Mm. Oh, yeah. This fucking Rifa is on fire! Something from No Ho Organic. I always stop over there last night. You want a little piece of this, Lee? What do you want? Last time I smoked, you tried to light me on fire.

You're trying to burn you a little bit. Mm. Mm. Mm. Jue on fire. What's up, baby? Come here. Come here.

Come with your uncle, Joey. As usual, on it. is on it I tell you this is sincere what I can't what I have for breakfast

this morning the new hemp force asai vanilla flavored fucking protein shake that's right bitches

delicious delicious my stomach ain't fucking making noises I ain't farting why because it's on it

they're always ahead of the game and that's not all they got you know I put in my coffee now stevia at Onit go to fucking

onit.com press church in the fucking box get 10% off Get put on the list and they give you a little extra consideration since you're fucking around with mad flavor You understand that's how they do it Oh shit little biggie small what?

I love it when you call me big pop But what? How you live in big you small what? So I told you before you have the call And we're not we always talk about 30 for 30 but we're not we're not sponsored by them. They're just great but I saw one last night about the guy Spano who fake bought the Islanders and it made me think of you like it's something like I could see

you like trying to pull it just it was crazy I can't imagine and it didn't even happen that long ago happened like 15, 20 years ago this guy pretended he had the money and for four months legally owned the New York Islanders and it was fucking it blew my mind

it was crazy I had never heard about it before Or you learn something to every day, cuck, and why does it make you think of me? You think I'm the type of idiot that would go do something like that? I mean, we were talking for 45 minutes and you just talked to... I was 16 years old.

Yeah. Big difference in being 30-year-old grown man and acting like a fucking... You follow him saying to you? But you don't think if you wouldn't have gone to that point? No. That's disgusting. That's stupid type shit.

I was a thief. I wasn't a scam artist. Big difference. I don't see money in scamming people. I don't see it. You're going to come back and bite you in the ass. It's like robbing the car. They're not going to figure out that you don't have any fucking money.

All that shit, they're going to figure out you don't have no fucking money. He almost did. Listen, I always feel bad for people because I was a type of guy. I always had my nose open looking for money. Okay. And like in Boulder, I had people that invested. They wanted to be in the mafia. That kid rents and I took his thousand bucks to be in the mafia or whatever.

I felt bad for these people in a way, but in the way I didn't because they're that stupid. If you're going to be that stupid and believe something like that, you deserve, like, I still see things on 2020. I still do things on CNN about people who get emails from Africa. They still send fucking $2,000 in. If you're going to be that stupid, I fucking, you deserve to get what you're doing.

But I'm the type of guy, if I'm going to rob you, I'm going to bring a fucking gun. I'm not going to rob you with him. We don't leave. We're going to take a ride. and we're going to go figure out an investment plan for you. That's fucking stupid. You know, these guys that sign these women up

and take all their fucking, what do you call that? Their retiring funds and shit like that. That comes back to you tenfold. That comes back to you tenfold. When I'm fucking around with somebody who's dicking around in drugs, he's dicking around in misery. He's already dicking around in somebody's muckery. Do you understand what I'm saying to you?

Not some poor old lady. I never found satisfaction I remember when I first started Stop doing coke About three months later Somebody came up to me He goes, oh dog My dealer needs a ton of coke

Can you help him? I got $5,000 in my car Listen 20, 30 years ago I would have taken that guy's $5,000 and told him to go Fuck himself I would have told him the Coke

Was that Joe and Marries And he would have to come to Joe and Marries And say something to me We're 20 of my fucking friends I would have given them all $200 fucking dollars Nobody was giving them

All a dime That's drug money type shit. That shit, that's guerrilla type tactics. You know where you're getting yourself into. But some poor fucking lady who put her money away all her life for these fucking guys to come and take their fucking money. I know, that's

bullshit, but I was just saying like just the, because the story was that he he like falsified documents and said he had the money and he was getting the money but he just couldn't get it fast enough. What was he getting the money from? He got an $80 million. He bought the team for

$165 million. He got an $80 million dollar loan from a bank. Wow. And then he was supposed to pay $17 million in five payments, and he just couldn't get, he couldn't get it fast enough. I think 17 million is really tough to give you hands on.

I mean, he got fucking 80 million and they had, $80 million. But he was a bad dude. Like the end of the documentary, he got sent to Jeff for four years. Like that's crazy. Like he basically robbed 160 million or like

said he had it and he only got four years he got out and he did kind of the same thing again he had a leasing company and he would take the money but not give them the equipment so he had to go back for another four years and fucking no but it was crazy man i learned my time one time i learned it one fucking time i made my decision this is not where i'm ever coming back to again you know those guys that come out and they try to fucking redo it and re-rob you i watch that CSNBC, you know, that show on CSNBC. I think greed. There's a show greed that comes on CSNBC, and they all have the same fucking story.

You know, when I'm on the road, I love watching greed, I love going to the one channel, the crime network, whatever, and they have almost caught. I love those fucking shows. And I watch them, and it's hysterical what you find out about people. And listen, when I robbed fucking Vela, Tidwell got pulled though because he was driving with no headlights on. Again, for the cheap seats, he had somebody in the trunk of the car and he was driving with no fucking headlights on.

So to me, that was always God's work. That was always the karma end of it. When I got woken up to the cops are on their way here to arrest you for kidnapping, and I asked Brett Raisin, like, what the fuck happened? And he goes, I think the cops were saying, Tidwell got pulled over without no headlights on. I knew it. I knew it. I knew that that was the answer I was going to get.

It was either no headlights or he got a flat or he took him out to get a piss or he took him out to something that was so fucking ridiculously stupid. It's something so fucking ridiculously stupid. But how many times have you gotten in your car and driven 10 minutes without no headlights? Yeah. And I'll go over. Okay. So it's karma.

It's called karma. And that's what that's called in your life sometimes. And as soon as you hear it, as soon as it utters the words, As soon as you're changing your flat, as soon as whatever's going on, you're paying that money, you're knowing what you're paying it for. You're not paying it for that service.

You're paying it because you did something. You know, it's really funny that I ended up making $18,000, 185 on the fucking drug ripped, but my attorney bill was $18,000. So that two years of my life, all that worrying, that stress, eating jail food, putting my family through stuff.

It all cost me $500 for my fucking services. I would have made more money working a week at McDonald's. Yeah. Do you understand me what you learned about life? So for the money I was going to rob, look what I ended up getting, $500 fucking dollars. I could have made that in one week at McDonald's. They're paying $12 an hour and now McDonald's, right?

I don't think. One week with over time. Yeah, yeah. So 40 times 12 is what? That's fucking $500 or $400 or $4.80 or something like that. Whatever the fuck it is, I'm stoned. So with overtime, I could make $500. I could have made that.

So for two years, my profit was $500 from that drug thing. That's called karma. That's called fucking karma. And you stick about it, and you could beat it up however you fucking want to, you know. What are you going to do? That sounds crazy. You live and you fucking learn. And that's why I'm 50.

Listen, when I was fucking 20, like half these fucking people listen to this podcast, I wish somebody came to me and told me these things. But guess what? Even if they sat me down, I still wouldn't listen to him So I don't expect anybody to listen to me You know what I'm saying? Because I didn't listen to him

When people were telling me Hey don't do this This is gonna back fight go You know what This guy's an old fucking loser He doesn't know about life There I am a week later in jail And the old loser was giving me advice of ski

And sending me fucking pictures To the fucking jail going Ha ha ha ha Now were there kids in North Bergen That were like It sounds bad to say normal But yeah Basically like a

what you would consider a normal life? There was a lot of kids in North Bergen that were very normal, very geekish. You know, that's what you want to call them, that... You know, I went in a different direction. But there's a difference between being a geek and there's a dim between being a geek and knowing. Do you understand me?

Not really. There's people who are fucking geeks and naive and they don't know that world exists. These guys knew that world existed. Okay. Like I was thinking about this one family in particular. They were a Cuban family and they came to me after my mother died and said, you're welcome at our home.

They lived on top of a guy that my mother knew that was involved in drugs. They tried to reach out to me, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Their kids never did drugs. Those kids that offered me their father, they weren't drug people. They were just kids I knew from the neighborhood. She dated a friend of mine who smoked pot. But they weren't drug kids. You know, and I remember they saw me once downstairs.

And they were like, what were you doing, Martin? You know, he sells drugs and blah, blah, blah. But I had to become a thief and everything. And I would see these people. And I don't know what I'd feel inside because I knew him back in the day before I had become what I had become, you know? I knew them when I was an athlete, when I was a jog.

Yeah, I might have raised some hell and let Lucy Snorbush's goldfish on fire. What? You know, yeah, yeah, yeah, they had a tank in front of, the house with goldfish so we would put uh liquid gas in there and light the pond on fire jesus christ oh yeah this is this is this is this is the real fucking deal so that's the new one i've ever heard that one before this is goldfish a la fucking grill oh no you know we've been fun listen we raised hell nobody wasn't innocent those kids were all you know we all like to have fun you heard the

day when dr tanya called we ripped the phone out of the the fireman phone out of the wall yeah we did that every night just for fucking spite and i will let me let me let's go and i will let me later we'd see the fireman on the corner repairing the phone shaking their fucking head until they finally took the fucking phone thing off the street there was no reason for that phone to be on the street anyway the fire department was three blocks away if you yelled the fire department what's that phone doing you know these kids i grew up with were also very independent you know they were they were white collar and blue collar kids that hung out together there was no judgment there was no fucking oh you your father this this all these kids ran together but we all

love the same thing. We all love dough. It was funny. I was telling John Salami and Diagostelia a day about when I used to go up to Harlem and how these kids, these kids, today I think about them. 43 years later, I think about the Sedanio brothers. And there was a group of white kids that, I don't know, they were Irish. You know, they were Irish and German and whatever nationalities

white kids are in fucking Harlem in those days, whatever the fuck they were. You know, everybody was just single nationality. Everybody was old school nationality. It's not like today. I'm Persian and Spanish and black. You know, either you were black or fucking white. Okay? There wasn't all this fucking breakdown.

I'm Ethiopian. I'm this. I'm fucking that. It was maybe six fucking races back then, okay? It was nice and fucking easy. And these dirty kids, they did that. They had the scam. Okay?

And it wasn't a scam. What you call it? It's not a scam. What they basically did this. Let's say Leo and the barbecue store. on the corner. They made sandwiches. I remember this place made sandwiches, but their specialty was barbecue meat.

You know, I shredded barbecue beef, and they put it on bread, and it was fucking delicious. They give you pickles with it. Somebody called them? It was fucking delicious. These kids would go in there and go look for a dollar a day. For a dollar a day, we'll take your garbage cans out,

put them back in for you, and sweep and clean the windows. That's $5 a fucking week, and we'll be out of here in two minutes. We got the whole system We got the wind decks We got the buckets We got the brooms

Some people said yes That's $5 a fucking week What's $5 a fucking week To give kids in your neighborhood money So they don't have to bust your balls When you didn't fucking sweep When they said no They'd break your fucking window

Or throw trash in front of your thing They would sweep Whatever they swept from everybody else's And throw it in front of your fucking thing Eventually you'd pay these motherfuckers $5 because it was worth it They'd take your garbage cans in they pull them out for the garbage

they'd watch them nobody would tip them over and they'd watch your business because they lived in the neighborhood this was better than having a fucking alarm okay cost you $20 fucking dollars a month it costs you fucking $240 a fucking year to help these kids from your neighborhood meanwhile no no no no

you want to have a party and send a thousand dollars to the Red Cross and have all your creepy white buddies come over and serve fucking hors and show them how much you donate it to people so you can really care that's what you want to do with your suit and call it a fucking what do they call it a donation what the fuck do they call them a gala event where people come in and donate and everybody knows what everybody oh my god i love blind kid you know the

whole fucking bullshit story this what you could do or you could just go fuck it let me be a real human being nobody got to know what the fuck i do let me just give these little five criminals five dollars a fucking day that's 25 dollars a fucking week a dollar a day that's what they want a dollar a day because they knew they had 20 stores these fucking little poor kids knew how to hustle So they made you an offer you couldn't fucking refuse We'll take the garbage out for you three days a week Put it back in Sweep clean the front

You know no drama They had like 20 fucking stores I remember like they cut me in finally after a fucking month They cut me in they give me like three or four fucking dollars But these kids were doing that They were letting you know that they didn't want a fucking hand out They just wanted to do it And either they did it or they fuck your property up

Nothing wrong with that That was old American ingenuity right there That's American ingenuity. People do it all the time. People do it as collection and don't do nothing for you. What about the people that come in these gang members in downtown LA that tell these fruit vendors, they just pull up to those poor fruit vendors and go,

you've got to pay rent, bitch. It's $50 a fucking day. You don't get nobody to help you cut the fruit or empty your fucking trash and nothing. They just take your fucking $50. So these kids at least provide their service for you. You follow me? I fucking think of those kids all the time.

I don't even know what the fuck their names are. It doesn't matter. Because I see kids today and their fucking houses with computers, and I think of those kids. Yeah. And I go, I remember those kids in the summer. That day never ended. In the summer, and all those kids were skinny,

they had dirty clothes, you know. But those kids went out at 7 in the morning, and they trotted until fucking 9 o'clock. And that's a society that I fucking came from. You didn't go home. They went home to eat at 6, but they made so much money on the outside in the daytime that when they went home at 6.

they had already eaten and they put $5 on the table for their fucking families. The San Degios had nine fucking brothers and sisters. They probably lived in a two-bedroom on the fourth fucking. I remember. I remember how to walk up fucking 19 flat of stairs to call for them. But those kids hustled. Those kids brought home money to give them to the mother.

That's crazy. Oh shit. What's up, fool? There's my fucking brother. I'm already sold out the ice house this weekend in Pasadena. So this call isn't even to fucking promote. This call is just to drop some motherfucking knowledge. You know what I'm saying?

Felipe, I was talking about when I was talking about when I was in New York as a kid and I go up to Harlem. And there were these little rich, they were not rich, there were these little dirty white kids. You know, they were like German, Irish, whatever the fuck. You know, in those days, there was only six nationalities in this fucking country, Felipe. It's not like it is now. They've got to be fucking national geographic and guess what the fuck you are. You know what I'm saying? But it's funny that these kids.

Felipe would go to these businesses and they would say look at bro for a dollar a day we'll empty your trash we'll take out the trash cans we'll put them back in the alley we'll sweep we'll clean your glass and we'll watch your business for a dollar a day you know now the gang members go to these fruit people

downtown these poor little Mexicans that cut fruit and they want fifty dollars from them they don't do nothing they don't cup fruit they don't sharpen the knives they don't do nothing at least these little white kids in New York used to do a service for you and you give them five dollars a week that's all the cost you, $5 a week, which is $20 a

fucking month, and these guys did more for you than anything. You know, yeah, they shook you down. If you didn't give them a dollar a day, they'd sweep all the garbage on your property. And it's amazing that today, they don't have that day. And these kids lived, I never forget the Sedanios. They were Puerto Ricans. They lived on the fourth

floor of the tenement, and they probably had nine brothers and sisters with fucking a parent. They lived in a two-bedroom. They had bunk beds. They slept all over the floor. You know, and it's amazing that these guys did that. And they brought money home, Felipe. Like, they used to put money on the table, like, 30 bucks,

20 bucks. And it's amazing how a lot of people don't know what it is to grow up fucking like that, to grow up poor or a little fucking down where you had to share sneakers with your brother or whatever the fuck. I never had to do that. I never had a fucking brother or sister. But after my mother died, I know what it is to want,

you know? And I know for sure, you know what the fuck of it is to want. You didn't grow up in Belleville you know? Yeah, it's funny man. They got a little deal drive right Beverly Hills, but Rodel's drive continues, you know, to further outlay. And when you get to the hood, they call it rodeo. That's hysterical. You know, I'm down Beverly, Dirty and Beverly, has rodeo.

They call it rodeo. But in Beverly Hills, it's Rodelia. Wild West. Now, what was the name? We were poor, man. We had seven kids, too. I was the oldest of seven. And my mom, she was a hustler, bro.

Like my mom was selling herbal life She was selling Avon She was selling crystal Not crystal Man, it's crystal promotion Like these crystal decorations That are these non-Mexican They had in their house

That they can't really afford But they had them anyways And my mom would sell Providence, shockily And it's funny man Because I used to go Be the one I used to collect The fucking Avon money

You know And every kid that I knew From school That owe the money and I would tell them, listen, man, I can't play you, I can't hang out with you, man. To your fucking mom pays. And they were trying to come around my house.

And then my mom would write down what they owe on my hand, and I would have to go to their house. And I would say, listen, man, she owes fire engine red lipstick, 4-455, page 9. I know her name is Lupe. Do they still have Avon Felipe? Do they still have it? We still have it, bro.

My mom's so Tupperware. It's a tough, baby. Fucking Tupperware. I remember Tupperware parties and shit. My mom used to sell so much Tupperware. But I'm going to tell you, man. My mom will, she made it to a top salesman. You know, when you make it to a top salesman,

you get to go to the conventions, you know, in Florida or seven. My dad said, get the fuck out of here with that shit. You ain't going nowhere. There's no conventions here. You got Tupperware filled. You know, my mom said, my mom said, put me more. I can't go. So my mom will give her free trip to a neighbor

or somebody who wanted to go somewhere because my dad wouldn't let her go. That's fucking crazy. Now, Felipe, let me answer you some. A couple years ago, you shot that movie about your life. What was the name of the movie again? You're not like that no more. I'm not like that no more.

And who's selling it now? Okay. I didn't know what had happened to him. And it's on Amazon.com. I'm the guy who produced a movie. He's producing a tequila company now. What kind of tequila does he have? It's taught tecava, and it's like a champagne tecama drink.

Kind of like tequisa. It mixes well with orange juice. You make a nice mimoso with it. He put the movie out, and he made a bunch of DVDs, and he has, like, his label on it. He gave me a bunch of movies, and I just saw him. But I'll say, well, man, I'm going to feel like that guy who bought a thousand movies. He got to sell it up for $10 a $100,000.

Hey man, you never fucking know. You never fucking know, especially in this market, where you could do with your own movie anymore. People don't want to go through the fucking bullshit. What's going on, brother? Everything all right in your world. What's been happening? Tell me something good.

I did a fundraiser for my city councilman, where I grew up with Jose Wiesard, District 14, Porto Highland Park, Eagle Rock. Representing. And let me tell you, Joey. There was some people there. who I grew up from the projects, bro, who now have, like, field officers job for the city. That's funny, man.

Everybody, I don't know if people you grew up with got city jobs growing up, all the other kids growing up. But you grew up that city job, but most of the kids that I grew up with, the ones who didn't go gangbaged got city jobs. It's all sitting fat now, bro. And I hate seeing them, man, because I know they're fucking full of shit, you know what I'm saying? Mike, if you know anything about North Bergen, it's very political. So what happens is basically that you... Yeah, you get a job with the town, and then you have to vote, and you have to break windows, and you have to drive people to fucking different funding things,

and it's great. You know, that's fucking great for a while. I mean, I could have done it, I think. I could have worked for the MUA or something, you know, sweeping shit into the thing or whatever. I don't know if I wanted to do that. I don't know if it was for me. It's a, you know, God bless those guys. They have security.

They have job security. They get paid great. They're part of a union. They have benefits. They have dental. They have, you know, a pension, you know, and most of those guys would have had nothing. I mean, you think about half those guys, they would have had nothing if it wasn't for a city job. So I don't knock it.

I'm not mad at them. It's the way they are. You know, it's the way when they first, remember when they first. I'm not lucky people get these jobs. Yeah, they, when they first get to them. the jobs they act very uh but they don't know that part of it is they're selling their soul part of that job is you got to sell your fucking soul so that's the that's the listen man i know it is to sell your soul you've sold your soul at one point it could have been it couldn't have been

in the entertainment business could have been anything else i've sold my soul doing a job and i'll tell you what it doesn't feel good i never want to do it again you know i never want to fucking do it again. I watched Kurt Fox the other day you know. You know who Kurt Fox is? He used to hang out at the store and he's got that morning, he's got that morning show on CBS you know and the other morning

I was probably, I don't know what the fuck I was watching the news or whatever and it was on and I was leaving the house and I hear two black people argue you know like fuck you I raised my motherfucking child, you cheated on me and once a sudden I see Kurt Fox in the middle of all this

you know going if you've been cheated on watch this episode and I'm looking at Kurt Fox going you know what this may be a great paying job you know you're on CBS you have great exposure but this isn't what you signed up for stand-up comedy for and I like Kurt Fox I'm not saying nothing bad about Kurt Fox what I'm saying is that this is not what you signed up for yes it's probably an avenue of it to be Dr. Bill Dr. Phil or to be in the middle of two fucking black people arguing about who got my baby pregnant, whatever. But that's not what you signed up for, I don't think. And I think that when you're cashing the checks at first, and I'm not putting down Kurt Fox at all, maybe it's what he wanted to do.

Who the fucking am I the judge? I love Kurt. I'm not putting Kurt down. I'm just saying that maybe in the beginning it sounds good. But after a while, you're like, what the fuck did I do? I'd much rather be at the fucking You know A Houston fucking whatever club Or I'd much rather be at the Sacramento

Punchline than doing this I've always felt that way about TV You know when Tim Allen first got on TV Remember after a couple years he kept going to rehabs Yeah I kept putting him in rehabs And I always thought about it You know was that would put him in a fucking rehab Was it you know as a stand-up comic

You have this free spirit to you You really do You have this fucking free spirit spirit to you. You've decided as a stand-up comedian that you didn't want to be like everybody else. You wanted to do something different. You wanted to stay up at night and write

jokes and not have job security. You know, how many fucking comedians have insurance, you know? How many comedians have fucking pensions? You're just telling the world, you know, there's more comedians than what they are doctors. Or vice versa. I don't know what the fucking thing is, but you think about it, Felipe.

Even you in a way. You didn't start on the right side of the tracks, did you? Well, I didn't, man. And it was funny because I had a regular job. You know, I was working at Dodger Stadium before I was doing stand-up. You know, I was making, what, for not even $1,200 a month. You know, then I quit all that to do stand-up, and I didn't make that in the year. That's fucking crazy.

Yeah, you're leaving it a good, it's like, it's like, guy who guys, you know, I'm a comedian man who told me they had a, $7,000. dollar a month's job you know they quit that to do comedy and they never make that in a year man in the first year you don't make seven thousand dollars in the first year of comedy or if you're selling coke or marijuana on the side what's uh what's 50 i made 200 200 times 10 i made fucking uh 2400 my first year of comedy yeah 50 dollars a week i was the host at the broker And I used to sell Valiums and I used to sell neon door to door.

That's how I made the money on the separate angle. Remember last night, Felipe, I was sitting there and I was going, fucking Tuesday night. Where the fuck can we go on Tuesday? I remember on Tuesday nights when I met you 15 years ago, Felipe? Every Tuesday and Wednesday. We were out of the fucking house, man, doing comedy. Two, three sets of fucking night for $100.

Remember that shit? Yeah. We would go. What was the name of your room out there? The Daily Planet? The Daily Planet paid for it. Wild coyote. You know what I was thinking about last night?

We were at Wild Coyote that time, and I got on stage, and I was waiting for you to pay me, and I went in the bathroom, and I had Coke left off from Dante. I had one of those blue baggies, remember? And I went in the bathroom, I took a shit, and I did what I had left, and I threw it in the men's urinal. And five minutes later, the club manager came back with it, with his hand. Remember, and he goes, somebody put this fucking baggie in the urinal.

This is what I don't want at this club, and everybody knew it was me, But nobody fucking said nothing. Fucking crazy, Felipe. You remember that now? Not to show up high to the show. Really? For 50 bucks?

Yeah, I think they did tell us not to show up fucking high. But you know what, man? We were the first ones there. We were the first ones there. We had to pick up that 50. I had to get to the Coke dealer. We used to the show started at 9. You would tell me, man.

You would tell me, you would do that show, and then you would show up with Dante, the black dude. Yeah. I thought that you wouldn't show up with me of the USA. I gotta go. I'm going to Dante and El Copacri. No, no, bro. Dante and the other Coke dealer at the El Campadry were my...

The Martel Cartel. The Martel Cartel. They were my fucking life, man. The only reason why I went out at night, nine out of ten times, wasn't even to do comedy. It was to make the $40 to get the Coke. Like, I didn't care about the comedy. The comedy was just an obstacle on the way.

I would drive and think about the... stand up on the drive down to the fucking gig and go I'm gonna do this and this and this and this I wouldn't even think about it all I wanted was the 40 from the daily planet the 25 from Casa Latina and the 20 from fucking one of Sebastian's rooms and I was good to go Jack that's sixty dollars that's that's a sixty dollars and a pack of cigarettes and shit I want to be about when I thought of drinking again I'll actually make that walk you're all these what 60 bucks man I would look forward for nighttime, man.

Get to go somewhere and hang out and be the man doing bumps by myself. Oh, my God. And I didn't even know what I were to get the shit. And I remember going to Manapalos, and, man, they had Mongols there. They had everything there, man. And I remember when I first time somebody gave me crack for the first time, man, at Montepalo at Walt Coyote. And that guy gave me to me, he goes, give me 60. I forgot 60 it looked like.

And I remember the guy when he gave it to me, he said, man, are you sure? Over and over. Are you sure? And I said, yeah, I'm sure, man. I didn't even have a crack pipe. I didn't have anything, man. You know who ended up smoking that crack with?

That blind guy that used to hang on and wild coyotes. Wasn't it on that blind guy that used to hang on at Wild coyotes? Actony. They are Armenian comedians. Holy shit. Me and the blind guy, I didn't have smoking the whole crack, man, at my house.

It's hysterical, who you would do crack with. Like, I did T-HC fucking Angel Dust with a pregnant chick once. Fucking amazing dog. And I didn't know she was pregnant until after we smoked the Angel Dust.

And she's like, yeah, I'm my three months pregnant. I was like, God damn, this is fucking crazy. This is fucking crazy. You meet, man. Because I walk, coyotes. I remember I met this girl, and she was, like, coming out of the restroom, and I know she did something. And she invited me.

And then she told her, I told her, I haven't seen you in six months. he goes, how you've been? She said, I'm fucking amazing. I just beat a murder rap. I'm like, are you fucking serious? She said, yeah, man. Hallelujah.

That is fucking, yeah, man. She took a cop with the Mongo dog, so I never seen her shit. Holy shit. Now, where did you used to see the Mongols at? Manaballo, bro. They were there all the time. But you just didn't know.

Remember the hot and liquid? Remember the hop and liquid? That's right. I forgot all about that club too. Yeah, bro. That was Thursday night, bro. You had a lined up. You had Latino night on Monday. Tuesday. Coyote on Wednesday. Thursday night.

Wall Coyote, the casino. Commerce casino or Rudy. And then the hop. You had the lake with hot. Saturdays, I have Wal Coyotes at 10 o'clock. At 10 o'clock. That's right. That's fucking right. If you walked with me during those days, you were making $130 a week. Yeah?

You were making a little bit of fucking change every week. And I said you. That's right. That's why you go to Kastalateen. That's why you went to the other place early, because they'd always give you a nice green chili burrito. Delicious, bro. Fucking next to the hospital.

Right there, right off fucking Beverly, right there, that fucking Kostlete. What is it now? They reopened it, and they did comedy one time. I was down there. What is it? It's called Antigwood. Antigua. I was,

now, yeah, it's all red. Remember, you went there, I went there with you that one night. Yeah, we saw eyes and he's still there. Yeah, he was there.

He ain't blind no more. He's only blind in one eye. He rub cracking it and shit. That's what happens when you rub crack right in the fucking eyeball. So you're at the Ice House Friday and Saturday,

and you're already sold out on Wednesday, Doug? Yeah, where we sold out two show Friday, two shows Saturday. They added a third show, Saturday at 6 p.m.

Holy shit, the matinee show. And I'm going to Minnesota, bro, for one night. In November. What club? Um, joke joints. I don't know what that is. November 10.

That must be a new fucking club, because they got Acme and they got the house of whatever up on the top of the mall of America. Oh, St. Paul, okay, joke joints. Okay. You're a bad motherfucker, Felipe. You talked to... And I'm doing Atlanta, November 13 for myself. Atlanta?

Yeah. The punchline? Yeah. Oh shit, you bad motherfucker. That's a good club out there. Felipe, you always have a fucking good time, bro. I miss that. I don't see you as much as I used to.

We used to. You're always busy. You're always busy. You always to fucking get away. Felipe, you know, it's, uh, once you become a professional, man, you got different obligations now. You can't be fucking around at that time. You got to write jokes, and you got to write this, and you got to prepare this.

And now my wife decides to spit out a fucking baby, which I'm going to Nashville tomorrow to pick them up. I got to fly back with them next week, so it's always something, man. You know, my days are cut in half now. They really are. Today I got a fucking busy day. We were supposed to do this podcast in the afternoon. I got to take blood

out today, Felipe. I fucking hate it. They want a pint of blood, dog. That's going to take a fucking 10, 15 minutes. I'm going to faint eight times. Wow, a pint of blood. Yeah, I don't know how I'm going to fucking handle that, man.

There are pints of blood out of one nose, bro, and one napkin. Fuck, I know. I know. I know. A pint of fucking blood, bro. I'm going to fucking be squirming and giggling and fucking dying and crying. I already feel like puking. I get needles, man.

Oh, you. I fucking hate them with all my heart, and I hate giving blood. I never did heroin, man. Me neither. The only time I didn't do it, I smoked that shit. Yeah, I snorted. I love it, but I can't do fucking needles. That would kill me.

That would fucking kill me. I'm killing me, man. And last night I was watching Son's an Anakin, she was drawing her own blood and that's how much blood she took out of herself, a fucking pint. And I've seen what the pint looks like, and I nearly, well, how many ounces in that bottle of water?

Eight. This is 17. Yeah, so that's what I'm filling up. A bottle of fucking blood. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, I'm going to be dizzy. I'm going to be fucking sick and shit. God damn it, Felipe. But that's it, brother.

That's all I got for you, man. No, I was thinking about all the, you know what I was thinking about last night, Felipe, and you came into mind because, you know, we didn't come from no fucking house of cards. We didn't come from no house where there was breakfast every morning, and they were singing John Belize songs and shit. I was thinking about how much I didn't have breakfast or got to school. Yeah, I was thinking about how much pain plays into the comedy game, you know, how much pain is probably, like, I catch myself on stage doing a joke and I'm ranting.

and the words aren't funny, Felipe. It's the rant, but if you really simplify, it's not even the rant. It's the pain that you're seeing. The pain and the passion is what fuels fucking stand up, you know? And sometimes I look at something like Jim Gaffigan, it looks like he came from a perfect house, you know? And I go, there's pain, fuel his stand up.

You know, I mean, Jim Gaffigin looks like the perfect white guy, you know? Yeah, Bobby Collins, you know, those people look like they grew up in a nice house, you know? as me, I'm sorry. You know, you grew up with fucking Hindus jumping up and down and playing a flute. So, you know, what do you feel like? I mean, you know, I grew up in a fucked up house.

You grew up in a fucked up house. When you look at those guys, where's that pain come from for the comedy, you know? I mean, so it always, you know, when I was thinking about you last night, I was thinking about, you know, even Felipe. Felipe's had some fucking heartache in his life, you know. He didn't come from no fucking Brady bunch.

Yeah, man, it's even like, even the people, like, those people are, I didn't grow up with no parents, you know, I didn't grow up with their parents. But you know what? Two people out there who do grow up with their parents. You know what they miss? Approval. Having your parents approval is fucking more painful than not having fucking parents. Yeah, I never thought about that. You went to the motherfucker all day, man, and you seek, like, a little nod, bro. Like, that's why I love stand-up comedy, man. It's approval. Every single thing. time I go up on stage. A little fist bump, you know, a little joint on the side. Hey, I like you. A Tiki cute. You're so fucking funny. But, man, to get them from a

parent, it's hard, man. Like, my dad, like, I see some of the comedian, man, with their mom and dad at the show. Are you fucking kidding me? How hard it is to get my dad to go anywhere out of the house and turn the window off? Are you fucking crazy? And I get a little jealous, man.

I see these guys. They're all up fun with their dads, you know, and they're proud. Oh, my son is fucking doing this, doing that. Shit, man. I told everyone I told my dad, I want to be a comedian. He said, are you fucking crazy?

Stick with his job with your dad with your dad. You need to be driving soon. It's amazing when you go home and tell your family that you're thinking about doing stand-up comedy. Or something that they never even fucking done before. They look at you like you've got three heads. So you're right, what you're saying, bro.

Yeah, they don't see it. like that man like they don't they don't they see it like you're gonna be it is it they see it like you're gonna be an astronaut who will be easier than you being a entertainer or a comedian you know at least if you go to astronaut fucking school when you join the service or whatever you have to do go to nassar go to university colorado you have a time frame in your life at least you have an idea what's gonna happen when with stand-up comedy you have no fucking idea when's gonna happen when you have no fucking idea you don't know a fucking idea you don't know nothing. You might write this week

off and on Friday you might get a call for some fucking movie. You know, you might write this week off and on Wednesday you might get a call that there's a fallout in Orlando, Florida and you've got to fill the fucking gap. So there is no schedule. You know, there really is no time frame

with this. You might be doing comedy three years and become a household name, or you could do comedy 20 years and become a household name, or you can do comedy for your whole fucking life and nobody get to know you. That's all your decision. So guys, you could be giving to comedy your whole life, and you're only known on Bob and Tom.

Yeah, you know, whatever. That's even better, you know. Those guys, those guys, you know, you make up your mind the way you want to do comedy. Hey, I started in Denver. All those guys I started in Denver with, they made a decision to stay in Denver and work triple runs, and that works for them.

That works for them. I knew early on that if I was going to do this, I wanted to be in the mix. I didn't think I was good enough to be in the mix, not by no fucking chances at no level I never thought I'd be in Spider-Man too that was not in my dreams

I never thought I'd be in a fucking De Niro movie or an Adam Sandler movie I never even dreamt that Felipe I thought that I would be an extra if I was lucky maybe three or four times on a show like honest to God I thought I would be an extra

I'm like I may be good enough to be an extra like somewhere along the line who's the boss or Tony Danza something like that. Or like that be like that guy holding a newspaper in the office

that they creed. Yeah, that's it. I never dreamt of movies or television. I just knew that I'm not going to sit here in fucking Colorado and play Wyoming

every other week and Tucson, Arizona. That's not my life and come back to the comedy works and talk about the club in fucking Kansas. That's not what I wanted to do. I was going to see the world.

I was going to get really funny and I knew that I at least wanted to give it a try. I knew that I would audition for a movie and get turned down, but to me, that was huge to walk into a fucking audition. That was huge. So I never dreamt to have to. I never knew I'd be doing a podcast at the Flying Jew.

You know what I'm saying? I love you, Felipe. When am I going to see you, Cocksucker? Nah, I got to leave tomorrow, but when I come back next week, I'm here all week with no drama. I love to see you. Smoke some joint. I'll be here.

I'll be here a whole week, too. Amen. Thank you for sharing. You know, you're always family here. I'm happy you called in today, Bubba. Well, thank you. I love you, too. What's up, Lee?

What's up, Felipe? Thank you. I'm coming out on Saturday, I think. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to put his name out the door for Saturday, all right? Yeah. Lee Plus One. What time?

Whatever show works for you, the late show would be cool, but if that's all down, I don't mind the early show either. Yeah. He's bringing his Mexican girlfriend, brother. If you want to come or just hang out, just come out. I'll be there in the green room. Yeah, bring your girlfriend telling me, Felipe, in the green room. Yeah.

The Mexican girl? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, she's coming. Oh, shit. That's why we're coming. We watched, we watched, they're all laughing at me. What is your special on Netflix called? They're not going to laugh at you. They're not going to laugh.

Yeah, we watched that, and she loved it when she saw that you were at the ice house. Because I've been introducing her to comment. She said, oh, I want to go see Felipe. So, fuck it. All right, man, cool. All right. So Saturday night, you guys are hooking up. He'll bring you a present.

Make sure he eats an edible in front of you, Felipe. Make sure he puts in his mouth. and watch them chew it because you'll just turn it around and spit it out this cock's up I love you buddy thank you all right all right all right beautiful people that's crazy let me give me some fucking shout out to my man timmy tampons my man Jeff Baz my man Jane Hayes robert I want to fucking salute the whole debt squad network and all the debt squad fucking chapters from from fucking And all of you. I love all you motherfuckers.

I ain't going to lie to you. But I got shit to do and, you know, things work out that way. You know, I love all my Dead Squad people. I see Dust Squad Nashville, giving the love. NorCal. All you motherfuckers are savages. Death Squad, Harlem. Death Squad, Nashville.

I said Nashville already. I got it together. Number two, I was in the shower this morning. And I thought I had to shave. And I didn't have to shave. And I wondered why. When was the last time I shaved? I shaved a day and a half ago with the butter from Dollar Shave Club and the fucking new razor.

And I'll tell you what, it was fucking smoother than shit. It just started growing this morning. This morning, that new shaver must have gone in and took hairs out of there and didn't give me a fucking razor stubble for a day. Listen, I told you once, I told you a million times. Go to Dollar Shave Club. It's a great fucking deal. It's either $1 a month, $6 a month or $9 a month. What you get in between is up to you.

What is it, $1, $6, and $9. Right. What the fuck you're doing your fingers for, cock's second. Look at those things. They look like a little Vienna sausages. You stick your finger up, somebody's ass, it's all over. They got a sudden nerds eat a hot dog. Fucking $1, $6 and $9. Listen, you can't live without this deal. If you go for razors, I looked at the supermarket there, how much razors are,

they're fucking expensive some of them. For those single razors that are good with the handle. Like $20, $30 a pound. Yeah, this is a handle, and you get four blades, four sets of blades a month. Some come with double. double blades some come with the fucking alo all the depends on what you want to pay but that's the most important thing so for $12 a year is what you're trying to tell me Joey I can get fucking I could shave my

face my balls and my asshole yes you fucking can't go to dollar shave club go to my fucking banner go to joey deers.net go to the banner and click on it's just dollar shape club banner or go to dollar shave club dot com slash church but I rather you go to Joey Cocoa Diaz and clip on to that fucking thing because that that way have no misunderstandings go to Joey Dears.net. Click on the Dollar Shave Club. What are they pressed in the box?

If you click on the box, nothing. If you go to the website, it's church. Church, okay. So there you have it. The other thing I want to talk to you about, too, that's no fucking game. Hulu Plus is going to end this thing. The end they come crying to me in January going, Joey, where's Hulu? I finally got this.

I finally got a TV. I finally got a fucking head. Listen to me, you fucking Mo-mo. You don't need a TV, you know and shit. That's a good thing about Hulu. You can download to your iPad, to a phone, to anything, any fucking devices. If you got a sheet with a fucking whatever on it, you gotta see how much smoke there is in this room.

If you go to a sheet, you can fucking download it. Go to Huluplus.com now. Go to Joey Dears.net. Go to the Hulu Plus. Click on what? Just click on the banner or Joey. Joey. Joey. For fucking Hulu Plus.

You get two weeks for free, and after that is $7.99 a month. That's it. $8 a fucking $96 a year. Who's better than you? So you shave your asshole and you fucking get TV or entertainment. They got new shows.

They got original programming. They got old shows. They got Saturday Night Live. Every week I get an email from Hulu Plus telling me about all the good shit they got. Go to fucking Hulu Plus. Or better yet, go to Joey Dears.net and click on fucking both of them and cut this shit.

It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive, and I'm trying to make it better. You're feeling down, you can't sleep, you need more help with your proteins, you need more recovery with your shit. Cut it out. Go to on it. com and look at what they got.

They got everything from new mood on there. They got stevia to put in your fucking coffee or your cereal or your preempties. protein shakes. You get no fucking cancer. Your asshole ain't itchy. All the good shit. You got fucking alpha brain to make your brain fucking fire like a machine gun. You understand me? So you're quick, you're jumping, you're cutting motherfuckers off on your local highways. That's why you go to Onet to stay sharp, to stay healthy. Go to Onet.com, get whatever the fuck you want, get 10% off. What are they pressed in the box? Church. This is what I'm talking about. You can't fucking lose with Uncle

Joey on a fucking Wednesday, a Monday, a Wednesday night. You can't fucking lose. You can't fucking lose. Speaking of which, this Saturday, I'm at Harvey's Southport and next Wednesday a special before Halloween live podcast with my man, Ari Shafir. That's two huge ones. That's a tremendous. That's a tremendous fart. You had

to shit your pants. I'm dying to smell. Ooh, that's fucking, come over here. Sit on my lap. Oh, this is tremendous. You don't know. I get sexual with you towards the end of the podcast. Who gets sexual? You do. But I don't get sexual, which I sit sit on my lap. You're going to take your fingers of someone and dad. I want you to smell the fucking part of life.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, my gonna pass this up. What the fuck I got in my head? Just look at a little giggling. Look at a little cocksucker. Are they struck here? I said, open a window. Oh, you should need an after?

Just think. Leaked out. What the fuck? There you go. That's so I could smell it better. You know what I'm man? You need a little plug of this so you can smell it. No, I, is there anything?

I can get the opposite. Yeah, your own asshole, cocksucker. Scratch your ass on sniffing. What was the last time we took a shower? Yesterday. What time? Like three? So you didn't take a shower after work last night?

You didn't watch that fucking muffling. No. Did you shit after you took a shower yesterday? Probably. Okay. You know what your ass smells like right now? Like 10 dead fucking Jews. You have such a weird rules.

He comes in for 20 minutes a day. I watch Sports Center. There's no more sports center. Cucketer. When the last time ESPN put $20 in your pocket? Like, what is going on? No one takes. He takes a shower twice a day.

Yes, they do. Normal people take a shower twice a day. No, they don't. You come home from work, you're touching computers, you're sitting on somebody else's chair, his fucking ass is going into your ass. I'm trying to help you out here. When you come home from work at night,

the first thing you do is you put that hot water on. You take a little piss, your shit, you drink, whatever you drink, and the water's getting nice and hot. You go in there, take a nice shower. You don't want to walk around with your assholes thinking, do you? Yeah.

What if a chick broke in here and wanted to eat your ass at three in the morning? She'd pull your little juke pants down And there's your ass Smelling like Hanukkah fucking biscuits You know what I'm saying? They don't need that If someone broke in my window

You're gonna look me in the face And tell me your ass don't smell like a goat right now It does Okay then how can you sit there like a man And say I'm gonna sit here on top of this ass And can't eat 18 fucking showers Yes you can I fart like that too

So what And if I want my ass not to smell like a goat I have to shower every 20 minutes You take a little fucking shower Then you watch TV You put your feet up in you Who's better than you? I know you ate a snack

When you got home at two last night No I didn't You didn't eat some I have shit in my house. You don't have nothing. No chicken, no tamales. I don't have many string cheeses did you. None.

Don't lie to me, Cox's. I know you ate one or two string cheeses. Okay, you didn't say, what did you eat for dinner last night? I don't fucking remember. What did I have last night? What did you have? You know what you had. Oh, I had a Caesar salad.

From where? From what's called like wildflower, just right next to my office. You like Caesar salad. I fucking love it. It's the only salad I eat, and it's a worst salad for you. But it's crazy. At least you're eating salads, brother, so I love you. I'm proud of you for that.

You're never juicing again. No, I have to. I have to. No, listen, don't lie to me. Uncle Joe, you're never going to juice again. That shit is. And I knew it last time. I looked on your face. You look like you were fucking going to Auschwitz to look on your face.

You didn't want the juice. I don't blame you. No one wants to do anything, but no one wants to be fucking heavy. Anyways. You're a dixlinger. What heavy? You're a handsome motherfucker. Look at you.

No, I'm happy the way I am. Like it's always been this one of a... I'm fucking stone. Give me a break. Anyways. I like how you said that. I'm happy the way I am. You're a handsome dude, dog.

You don't take all shit from no body. No. But I said this on Monday. Every time we have a phone call it, to they talk about something I'm thinking about. I'm pissed. You call me last night, and I'm fucking...

It's the end of the show, so I'm doing bullshit work. But I got really kind of depressed last night because I realized, like, people who start out being... comedians or go to film school or whatever you're doing in this industry they start out because they want to, they have

thoughts about, oh, I'm going to do this, I'm going to make a really good movie, I'm going to be the best comic. And the square root of everything in this industry, every TV show, every show you go to, every fucking thing is all they care about is making money. All they care about is people watching the ads or people buying the drinks at the shows.

And it's the weirdest thing that everyone who gets in this doesn't, they get into it because they want to do something. You even said it. People who want to be comics want to do it to be different and have something to say. And then you see Kirk Fox doing what are the test, I think it's called on CBS. And again, I'm not mad at Kurt.

I don't want people to go to Kurt and say, Kurt, Joey. No, no, I'm just saying that I'm sure someone in the scheme of them is in the middle of two people, black people yelling at each other. Kurt Fox is going, Jesus Christ, comedy was a lot easier than this shit. And yeah, it could be like the redoing the Arsenio show. You're not talking about Kirk. he was just the example he saw yesterday but it's just like

it's so weird that people get into this wanting to do one thing and it all ends up it all gets fucking put out the shitter and people are trying to do the least for the most for the least amount of money and they don't really care about what the quality is

because as long as enough people watch it to get ads paid for that's all that matters at the end of the week and listen man and it's not just in the industry it's people in their own personal lives Yeah. That's why we do the show.

You know that? That's why we do the show. I got a lot of faults, man. But when I stick my hands into something, I go for something. Whether I was a thief, you know, whether I was a fucking car salesman, whether I was a stand-up comedy. That's what I'm trying to let people know. I'm a piece of shit. But if you commit to something, something good's always going to fucking happen.

Well, I mean, I would hope so. But how do you, as someone who, like, you have to rely on other people to get jobs? You can work really hard. And I'm sorry. And I like him on the TV show, but he's popular, so he's always going to get the preference. So you could work. Like, you like to think if you work hard, something good is always going to happen. But there has to be people who work really hard and nothing good fucking happens.

Like, don't you ever get, like, depressed when you go in for all those auditions and don't get it? But how bad would I feel if I didn't try it? Well, that's the thing, yeah. How bad if I feel? What happened to that guy that one day got up in Denver And he says, I want to try stand-up comedy And he fucking got into it And he works and he works

And he got married, he doesn't want to go to L.A. He doesn't like it. It just doesn't agree with him. Thank God the guy has a voice. God bless him for saying, you know what? I don't want to live in L.A. I just don't want to do it. Yeah.

I want to live in New York and be a stand-up comic. He lives in New York and he's a stand-up comic and he works 45 weeks of the year and he gets the certain pay that it is for Sandham County, which still is not bad, even though he has to drive and he can't take a plane and he keeps his expenses low and at the end of it all, he put away money, he bought a house, he raised two kids, so what if he didn't get on TV? So what if we didn't get to find out his fucking name?

He stuck true to who he wanted to be in his dream. Exactly. He did it his way. And that's all that fucking matters, Lee, is that you're doing something. Who gives a fuck if you fail if you didn't try? Yeah. You know what's worse than failing is not trying at all. And I'm not trying to be a cliche or whatever.

But I know that's what it's been like for me. When I sit there and I'm watching TV at night, why do I can't watch SportsCenter? Why do you fucking think I don't have time for that shit? Because one day you realize that the guy you're going up against, he ain't watching SportsCenter. The guy that has the same dream as you, he ain't got time to watch the fucking Jets on Sunday.

Yeah. He ain't watching that. shit the guy that has the real dream doesn't have time for that shit you know there was 10 years I didn't know what TV was because all I wanted to be was the best comic I could fucking be Lee I couldn't tell you who the fuck was on TV when I met Joe Rogan and they told me he was on news radio I thought he was on Cina I thought he was a sportscaster that's how committed I was to stand-up comedy comedy is done at night TV's on at night sorry I don't know what the fuck you're talking

about yeah you know I did Domerere's podcast And Domero, he says he has the basketball mentality. It's two in the afternoon. You're on the boat with your mother sailing. The guy that you're going to try it against, he's practicing. He's practicing. In the back of your mind, he's fucking practicing. So that's what you're always doing.

That's why at night when I watch, you know, there's night, you know, they place three episodes of Sons of Hannekeke on Tuesday, the same episode. They play it over and over again. They play it three fucking times. I watch it once, and I go in the back room and get this podcast ready for today. I got to look through the people that get shot out.

I got to look through the sponsors, see if they put anything different. And that 20 minutes of preparation, me not watching the TV show makes this so much better. Yeah. You know, when I did the podcast with Felicia, Felicia's a beautiful fucking person. I love Felicia.

I miss her at times. I miss our conversations. I miss our friendship. But Felicia didn't want to prepare for the podcast. It's getting into heavier zones now. There's not 200 podcasts normally. There's a thousand of them. Yeah.

And every week, there's another 10 podcast and for us to stay current I don't want to be the number one podcast I don't want to put that much pressure on me all I want to do is have a good time and tell people the fucking truth on here and for them to do something with it

whether they laugh at it whether they take what we're telling them about trying whatever the fuck they take when we talk about weights or when the guy calls in from the UFC there's always something they could take from the show and that's the most important fucking thing to me about this show

I don't even give a fucking day laugh one time I can't be funny every fucking day nobody can't but I know that they could get the energy that we're putting out together, you know what I'm saying? Cocksucking. No, it's crazy. And I don't, I didn't mean to be down, but it's just, I don't know if it was a comic or someone, there was something I was watching at one point where someone said I want to be like Shaq Rich or someone said Shaq isn't rich. It's the guy who signs Shaq's Check is rich.

And it's just like I was thinking about it and the amount of effort like I see you put in and other people. and at the end of the day it doesn't really matter how much work you put into it if they think you're going to sell Nike sneakers they're going to put you on and it's I think it's why podcasts have taken off but it started to creep into podcasts

like you'll look at like the charts and the podcast that you know are good are number 50 number 40 number 60 and then the same seven are like Kevin Smith I like Kevin Smith's movies I was a big fan that's kind of tapered off a little bit and he has like four or five that are always in the top 20

if you listen to them they're garbage and they have 40 minutes of commercials and they have they're selling you 8,000 t-shirts and then they have live dates and it started to creep into that that the advertisers are realizing oh people listen to this or and like Adam Carolla is another one he has 8 million podcasts and

he has he has the we watch along with movies and he has a wine that he sells for whatever fucking reason and it's just it's it's It really, it makes you, it puts a sour taste in my mouth. Listen, we have, you have bills to pay,

and I have bills to pay. I never wanted to get rich off this podcast. Oh, no, this is a different. Yeah, but this is different. We have a few sponsors to pay the lights, to give you some dough. You have a two-bedroom apartment here,

and people have to understand that. I don't ever want, like I said, we get called for sponsors every day. I call you, we laugh. We laugh sometimes, like, oh my God, I'm some guy off of this, this. You know, we have a tequila company who offers us money.

I didn't want to do it. do it. I could sit here. I want you people to get something out of the sponsors. And I don't want to sit here and laden this all with sponsors or lay. I listen to podcast and I'm not going to tell you who's or wise or when. I know the good ones. I know the bad ones. I know the guys that are faking the funk. Another guys that are really fucking trying. I'll tell you what, me and Lee are really trying. And this podcast isn't the best podcast all the fucking time. I know that we got holes in our game. Maybe it's not the intelligent podcast or maybe it's not the funniest podcast. And I'll tell you what, man. And I know that

there's a podcast, maybe number 89, that's a lot funny in ours. Probably is. It's just two kids that are just giggling and laughing. And maybe that's what you're into. I can't get mad at you. You know, there's something weird going on this country. Do I talk about Dave Attell on Monday? No. You sure? I don't think so. I don't think so.

David Tell and Bobby Slayton. No, no, we had the conversation. You know, guys, you get better as you do stand up. If you came to see me 10 years ago, you'd probably say, yeah, Joey was okay, but there was something missing and then you move down with your life right now because of the podcast people come to see me and i know that in two years this will taper off and i'll be a regular joe and life will go back to what it is and i understand this and there's nothing they do but i got to tell you guys something it's not that i'm not funny no more it's they i moved on and i'm not whatever anymore and that's fine

that happens in life you can't stay on top forever you can't be popular forever and i know this going in but i tell you what i also know i know that after you guys stop seeing me. Do you think I'm going to drop my work ethic? No, I'm going to get better and better and better as a stand-up comic because I want you people to come back. And maybe you won't, or maybe you will. But I'll tell you something. There's some comics working today, like Jake Johansson and Wendy Liebman and Bobby Slayton and just a handful of comics that maybe aren't the flavor of the month. But let me tell you something, man, Dave Attell is funny than he's ever been. Bobby Slayton is funny than he's ever been. Wendy Leibman,

It's funny than she's ever been. Why? Because you people aren't going to see him, and they've continued to write and evolve. If you're not doing something in your local town, and life's boring, go see one of these guys and give them the support they deserve. You're going to go there,

you're going to go see that 14 people there. But you're going to laugh like you haven't laughed in a long fucking time. You know why? Because these people are like Otto on the Sun's Anarchy. They got nothing to lose. So don't ever give up on these comments. You know, it's like when I see the Rolling Stones,

top 50 fucking comics. Are you fucking kidding me? I look at that and I giggle because they can't do the job I do. They're judging comics on popularity and oh my God she's so great on this show yeah but like I tell you a thousand times there's cut and direct. There's cut and there's editing and there's a laugh track

when you come see my stand-up or Domera stand-up or David Tell stand-up there's no fucking cut and edits and those motherfuckers ain't making no top-50 list. So get your shit together. Get off the fucking commercial bandwagon and go see what real fucking entertainment. And the same thing happens for

bands. People send me bands of the fucking outrageous that nobody knows about. That's the best thing about the internet now. That these all these young bands, and I don't know what their fucking names are, dragon brett, stinky ass, Jews fire. It doesn't matter. You know, go seek out

fucking great talent. Don't fucking get in bed and go, oh my God, life stops in fucking community. It doesn't. It fucking doesn't, guys. So get your shit together. I like to thank fucking Hulu. I'd like to thank On it. I want to thank

fucking Dollar Shave Club for sponsoring us, my man Felipe. The most important, I want to thank all you motherfuckers for getting up early or downloading it and giving us a shot to come into your fucking world

one hour, three hours a week. Like I said next week, we have two podcasts, but Wednesday night is live. This Saturday I'm at fucking Jackson at Harvey's South Street comedy. I want to thank you, motherfuckers for listening.

And most important, get out there, sling some dick and put your heart on your sleeve and don't let nobody stop your fucking. and tell them all to suck your fucking dick. Cops suckers, I love you. Stay black, have a great weekend, and keep smoking.

Oh shit. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey or go to joey-d-d-Diaz.net and click on the Hulu-plus banner.

And also, don't forget to sign up. for dollar shave club.com you'll get high quality razors sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail now go to dollar shave club.com slash church or go to joey deis.net and click on the dollar shave club banner