The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 10/28/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #123

Episode Date: October 29, 2013

Joey and Lee rocking it solo on a Monday morning. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Streamed live on 10/28/2013. Uodate: Sophie is back with the rescue orginization with the hopes that Lee can move soon. If not she will be adopted to a loving family.

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Or just go to Joey Diaz.com. Click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. Oh, motherfucking shit. Oh shit. Are you fucking kidding me or what? October 28th. It's a Monday, bitch. Oh.

Write your goals. Get up, touch your toes. A few jumping jacks. Some fucking alpha brains. Some coffee. A good shit. You never know what could happen today. It's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive.

The church of what's happening now. Coming at you, you bad motherfuckers. Crank that shit, I believe. I didn't know you were Blank 182 fans That's a blink one of your two fans That's a green day Fuck Green Day? Yeah

Fuck Get it together You slip Oh whatever Better get it together Cocksucker You know why you're not getting it together Why?

Because you're not hitting this fucking reef That's why Because you want to sit over there Like a Moldk on a Monday You gotta get high on Monday It's gonna rain now Ain't nothing gonna fucking happen Again Monday

Monday October 28 What's happening You beautiful motherfuckers Sorry we're late But that's how it goes down sometimes I got in from Nashville Like fucking 9 o'clock the luggage driving back

and I got home my wife talked fixed the fucking house one of the goddamn morning but guess what I'm here got up at 445 wash my pussy ate some special K took my vitamins and a fucking banana are you kidding me or what bitches

bitches look at Lee today all fired up and shit fucking great time in Jackson Tennessee I like to thank the club Harvey's South Street been there 27 fucking years it smelled like fucking comedy in that bitch. I'm pissed off because it was on the 40 I think. Like when I drove

I drove past that three times on the way out here and I was like fuck I could have gone and done something because there's nothing to do when you're driving cross country. No it's Jackson. But Jackson Tennessee is fucking different because there's Nashville and Memphis and Chattanooga and Knoxville and Jackson's like this

I don't know it's like an hour from my in-laws maybe and it's a it's this weird town that has every place in the world to eat. Like you name it every fucking chain is there. But Okay, Jane, because I was going to say, like, would you eat the sushi in Jackson, Tennessee? No, I considered it. I thought about it because I was saying, where the fuck did they catch that Albuquer from?

What fucking lake did that come from? But I go to get a habachi and shrimp, you know, if they had it, but we just ate it home. We just ate. But it's a neat place. It's next to this place called Bortos. Okay. The club. It's an Italian place.

And when we were at a store, we were talking to some lady, and she said her mother applied there for a waitressing job in like 19-7. 67, but it was really a strip club. Jesus. They were already showing their tits in Jackson, Tennessee, and it's so weird because that whole area has more fucking churches per capita than anything in the world. Like that ride up on the whatever, the 40, I think it was. It does.

Fuck yeah. Fucking thousands of churches. And also, I think that Jackson has this air for being like a bad little fucking joint, you know, like just a badass little fucking town. Do you see, I don't know if it's in Tennessee, but like I said, when I was driving, it's fucking depressing. Like, there's acres and acres of farmland, but they don't grow anything anymore, like, because the government or whatever, like, they pay them not to.

So, like, they have billboards. And it's just like, it's like, fuck. I don't know. Does it say fuck? Huh? Does it say fuck? No, there are a lot of, like, the Jesus Christ will save you, sin stuff, but, like, it's... Did you pull over and fucking buy your head, cucksuck?

Maybe Jesus's going to save them. No, I had people being like, don't tell them you're Jewish. Don't tell them you're Jewish. No, no, no, I didn't see one fucking Jew. No, but everyone was cool. I mean... Yeah. But you don't see no fucking Jews.

Well, yeah, that's because I don't know. No temple. You didn't see one fucking temple. There's no... There ain't no Jews in the fucking South. There is in South Carolina, but there's no good locks in the South, maybe that's why. No, that was nothing. But it was just a weird...

It was a great weekend. I had a great weekend with my family. Nothing was weird about it. The only thing that was weird was how the club had an Italian restaurant next to a league. Some of the best Italian food I've had in the last 20 fucking years. What do you have? Like, I rank it up there with original Joe's, with a different flavor to it.

First off, I was in Jackson, Tennessee. The salad was fucking amazing. All right, I had a huge fucking salad. And then I had a half order of spaghetti and meatballs. So they brought me one meatball and a little bit of spaghetti. Lee, delicious. The meatball world fucking class in Jackson, Tennessee. With someone on like, what is it called,

witness protection or something? It would have been. But, I mean, it was fucking delicious. You know, a thousand people. People told me you're going to eat at a world-class wreck. That spaghetti and meatballs is delicious. The shrimp that my wife had with some sausage shrimp spaghetti was fucking to die for. All this in Jackson, Tennessee, and I can't get a decent fucking meatball in L.A.

You believe that shit makes you fucking think. You can't get a decent meatball in fucking L.A. My wife said that that meatball is delicious. You can't get a fucking meatball in L.A. So you live and you learn. Is there a lot of Desquard in Jackson? I don't know where it is really in between. between Nashville and, what did you say?

That squad is like dog shit. They're fucking everywhere now. They really are. It's fucking amazing. And I am proud to be a part of it. I mean, you guys, you come out, you come out to every fucking show, whether it's Joe or me or Segura.

They're soldiers, man. And that's why we're having a great time. And that's why things are fucking happening. And people are like, hey, you got to get on board. You got to get on board, Dead Squad, bitches. Speak the church,

dead squad, whatever the fuck you got. Speaking of that, the honor I remember, thank you to Felipe Asparza. He invited me and my, girl out to his show on Saturday to the 6 o'clock show because all

three shows were fucking sold out and it was a great time and thank you to the ice house too they were very nice and they bought our drinks and it was very cool of them so I had to be a great time no no no no Felipe's a great comedian man he really is a great comedian when he won last comic standing a lot of the comics that you didn't like him

why not because they're racist or whatever the problem was I mean even in the Midwest the guy that took second was talking a lot of shit about Felipe and like he was a spick but funny is funny funny doesn't have a fucking color to it so it really doesn't fucking matter at all what they think but Felipe is my brother to the end you know when I first got here he contacted me right away he saw me at Latino night and he fucking kept giving me work everywhere like he kept giving me work everywhere everywhere around town

he kept giving me work so it was uh we bonded I mean over the years if he got a gig I got the gig like if he got the gig he'd say Joe Diaz and they would fly me up with him. For years, that's how it went down. So it's really weird to see him rock and roll. And he's huge in L.A. He's huge in L.A. He's huge in L.A.

He put pictures on Twitter up. The guys had his face shaved in the back of his head and of their head. It was fucking cool. No, it's fucking craziness. Felipe. And, you know, man, you know, somebody like Felipe, you see all these different people from different. All right.

What I'm trying to say is this. When I started getting into comedy or acting, I really had nobody to look up to him. I had Chi Chi from Scarface. He was the only other Cuban in comedy, and there's Al Romero down in L.A. And he was down in Miami. But he's a cruise ship guy.

He used to be at the store years early, Al Romero, very sweetheart of a guy. So when I saw Stephen Bauer in Scarface, those are my early influences, because they let me know I could do something. Wow, that guy's Cuban, Andy Garcia. I could do this. And that's what Felipe's doing in a subtle way for these kids.

You know, he's from Boyle Heights or some shit. There's fucking nothing down. That's East L.A. You know, he's got nine brothers and sisters. One of them is fucking gay. I mean, Felipe's got, you know, a story and a half to his life. He just don't fucking talk like I do. You know, if anybody needs a podcast just to start from A to Z is Felipe.

And just to see that he won when that's comic standing. And dog, he's always been generous with us. You know, when we were shooting a documentary, He floated his fucking 500 bucks, you know, just like that, without even fucking thinking about it. You know, he's the executive produced that documentary. I mean, it's weird when you step out of your comfort zone and you meet people. Like, I never thought that I'd have friends after I left New Jersey. Really?

Yeah, I never thought I'd have friends. I never thought, I didn't know you made friends the way we do. And I look around me now, and I see that everybody that I have around me in my life is not somebody I grew up with. It's somebody I met out here, you know, in one way or another. And it's really weird that your life goes on. For people who go, I can never think of leaving my friends and shit. Your friends are very important, and they're your anchors. They'll keep you there the rest of your life.

But you meet these new people that replace or not even replace. It's just their own bolt of fucking lightning, you know? So it's very interesting when you travel and you get out of your shit and you, uh, whatever the fuck, you know what I'm saying? So what happened this weekend? You got a fucking dog. Yeah, I fucking. You get to my house, you play it with the cats. Well, yeah, because you went away and you got a dog.

And you called me the other day, and you said to me, I'm thinking of getting a fucking cut the spaniel or whatever. By that time, you had the fucking dog. No, I didn't. So I've been, I had a dog in Boston. And I've always wanted, I've wanted a dog out here, but I never had the time. And my job's ending soon.

So I thought it would be the perfect time. And I've been thinking about it, thinking about it. And I saw that they had these adoption events. And it just, it, It broke my heart before, but it's something you kind of can't think about because you'll drive yourself insane. Well, just the amount, especially in L.A. with so many people, how many dogs are getting in cats and all animals are getting put down. Like, they last like 72 hours in there. And it's like, why couldn't I help one of them?

And the thing that really set me off was, for people who saw on Twitter, I was playing with their cats and I did these Vine videos. And they were so cool. and like I was over there I went over after work one day I went in the morning and I watched Law and Order and I gave them what is it, what's a treat? Fancy whatever that's the treats

Whatever, and they all came out of the woodwork even Evie and Lulu who don't really mess with me really not much but they came out when they heard the bag and I was like okay I could fucking do this and I went on Saturday to two peckos and I found one the one I have and I fell in love with her and I was like okay I have to think about it

and I went home and I went back and forth and I made a deal with with my girl and I said, listen, we'll go to lunch, we'll go and hang out, we'll go back. If she's there, it was meant to be. If not, it wasn't. We went, and she was, and we went and we got her cleaned because she was all, she had been matted up and they cleaned her up a little bit, but she was still dirty. We got her clean.

We got all this stuff. And I could have sworn when I got this place that they said, sign a, just pay a pet deposit, and you're cool. because there's other dogs in the building. When I get home, a neighbor sees me and tells on me, and the landlord tells me, oh, no, they were grandfathered in, but now it's no pets. So now you have three days to get out, or you're evicted.

So I can look for a place that accepts dogs, but the more I think about it, I fucked up, and I was going with my heart. Like, you want, like, who doesn't want to have a, fucking dog and be able to play with it and make something else happy. But even when I'm done working, I'm busy and I'm fucking, I was fucking petrified for like an hour because she wasn't being quiet before we got here. Like, because she had, I woke her up and I went out, took her for a walk and she was excited

she wanted to play. And I was like, oh, fuck, she's not going to be quiet for the podcast, but she's actually being really cool. But I don't, unfortunately, and it's, and it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, It's kind of hacky to say, but you can't have everything. So, unfortunately, right now, I don't think a dog is something I can have. And before people get mad at me, the place, and I'm actually going to have the lady on my podcast, the place that she's going to go back to, is a no-kill place. She was only there for two days.

Now what's her name? It's called Mutchak. No, what's her name? The dog. Her name is Sophie. Sophie, and she's beautiful. Yeah, she's great. She's a year old.

She's a year old. And she would cry last night. She didn't like the bed, but she would be quiet when I was rubber. And then we wouldn't lay it on the couch. And I love dogs. I would love to keep her, but I just, I don't think it's best for her. I can tell you're broken heart. It's a horrible decision.

Because, I mean, you're not going to have to give any of them up. But with your daughter and how much you're traveling now, you said it's been affecting your cats a little bit. Yeah, it's enough because I don't have enough of time for the attention. But when my wife was away those two weeks, I hung out with them a lot. I brushed them a lot. I gave them treats a lot. I was always, I have them on a schedule. I have my cats on a schedule, believe it or not.

You know, like Thursdays is catnip. Thursday and Monday is catnit. Tuesdays and Wednesdays is the treats. You know, Friday I'll try to give them a little pieces of shrimp. I always have an activity for them every day. I try to, you know, I have too many cats so I can't brush them on the same day and give them the same attention. So I break it down. I'll do two one afternoon, two that night, two the next morning,

and then I'll rotate them, I'll start all over again. So I'm very active with my cats. I don't like leaving my cats when I go on vacation. No, you don't. I fucking hate it. I hate it because you make a commitment, you know, and that's why I know how you feel. You're a very strong-willed guy, you know.

You make a commitment, and that's why I said to you, check everything out. Check everything out because you never fucking know, you know. Yeah. You know, one of the things I never talk about is it wasn't even my mother's death that was as bad as seriously. It wasn't moving in with the benders that was bad and having to start a whole new life at 15 or 16. It was that August, when I got out of the hospital before I got sick, I too adopted a dog. When did you get sick?

When I was 15. Oh, the Paracquot thing? Yeah, I got Paracquot. So when I came out of the hospital, I adopted this dog. My mother and I Somebody brought a dog His name was Crystal It was a white dog

With yellow spots And a black spot on its back And the dog's name was Crystal T That's why I named after Crystal T8C That's how fucked up on drugs I was at the time And I loved the dog The dog slept with me He lived in the house

We fed him everything was cool I took him for walks I didn't know what the fuck I was doing I didn't know how to raise a dog How to give a dog You know I would just hugged him and squeeze him And when my mother died I had to do something with the fucking dog.

I couldn't take them to the benders. They already had a dog. So I'd give the dog away. And I'll tell you, man, that was, that's till this day that I stayed with me like a fucking badge of honor. And I had to give the dog away to a friend of mine to their family, who they loved animals. Her name was Nina.

She loved animals, but she had so many of them. And they were everywhere. They were outside. They were inside the house. And I remember months after my mother dying, me missing the dog and jumping the fence one night, drunk and high. and going over there and playing with the dog and kissing the dog and like just and that dog that dog I have no pictures of it but it's edged in my fucking mind that I had to walk away from that dog because my mother was dying I was a young kid that's always fucking bothered me it's something that I live with so you know I hope that you work this out Lee I hope that whether maybe somebody could help us give the name of the organization and somebody could go down and adopt this dog and we could be all in the family and keep it all together she's a beautiful

You're fucking dog. Yeah, it's M-T-H-C-H-C-K, and they go to Petco and Burbank and Pasadena, and that's when I got her at. And they're actually all around the country. So if you want to, if you are looking for a dog, help them out. And I could still move, but I would have to move in three days and I don't think that's going to be humanly possible. So, and people, and I, I even went on Twitter and said, should I get a dog?

And everyone was like, just make sure you can handle it. It's tough to admit when you make a mistake Because everyone wants to think... The big of the fucking mistake. Everyone wants to think you could do it. Like, who doesn't think you can handle a beautiful little dog? Like, as a human being, that's something you should be able to do. And at some points in your life, you're not...

I'm ready for it, but I don't have enough. It wouldn't be fair. It wouldn't be fair to have to keep her in a crate. And I trust, even when I'm home all day, like, I don't know. I just... You're going to take out of the word. work with you today? Yeah, no, I'm bringing her back before I go to work.

You're gonna cry? Yeah, I already did. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, it's, well, before you cry about a fucking Tony Bennett, I wanna be around. Somebody help us with this fucking dog, cuck, suckers. Oh yeah, Monday, October 28, you got two fucking months left to do something with your fucking life or shoot yourself New Year's Eve. I don't know what the fuck to tell you, a little Tony Bennett, cocksuckers.

I wanna be around to be around to do something. Pick up the pieces When Somebody breaks your heart Some somebody Twice as smart As I Oh shit

Reef of fucking heaven Look at Sophie over there Sit with her black little color And her white hair Cute little fucking song You know it's crazy man Because You gotta be good to you.

It's so funny, I was in a gas station at this fucking town in Tennessee and there were some farmers in there, whatever the fuck, they were talking when I was getting coughing. It's so weird how in the South, animals, there's not much respect towards animals. You know, you see animals running across the fucking road. When I was, you know, my in-laws,

they have two cats, the cats live outside. Every time I've gone back, they've had fucking cats, but they get attacked by something. Oh, Jesus. You know? Jesus Christ, you're two black fucking kittens. Let them come in that night. You know, but it's different. But we're at this gas station,

and some guy's talking about how, you know, he shot a dog one fucking time. He had to shoot a couple dogs that ate his corn. He shot this German Shepherd right between the fucking head. And it's eating them all, and I'm trying to get coffee, and this idiot's talking about this shit. And it's killing me inside. Listen, I'd rather kill a human being before I fucking shot a dog or hit a dog.

Years ago, four or five, six fucking years ago, I'm driving back on Wilshire. Wilshire, and right there's a split. by, I guess not Vermont. Santa Monica? No, you're coming back, and it's Wilshire, you're on that side street, like the Highland.

You're on Highland, and if you go past Wilshire, like all the way to fuck down and come back, it gets kinky, and the road breaks, and I was breaking, the fucking dog came on. And I think I hit the fucking dog

on the side, I didn't run him over. He just banged into my car, the side of the car. He was getting chased by somebody else or something. Yeah. I remember turning around and seeing him all fucked up.

He wasn't down. And that ruined my goddamn damn weak. I'd rather smack the fuck out of a human being before something happens with an animal. It really does. You know, I look at my fucking cats and I understand my wife. My wife, those are her babies.

And my wife gives them as much attention as she can with her baby. And I give them as much fucking attention. And I stop. You know, when I see an animal on the street, I pull over and try to help it. Yeah, for a long time, I had fucking, you know, call me whatever the fuck you want. You know,

this is what my interest are. My interest is I look at an animal It's so weird This guy that was talking about Shooting fucking dogs He was walking with a limp You know Like he was walking all fucked up

Like his knees were all fucked up Yeah And he had a big shoe on Let me tell you something About Cubans And what they believe in Well I loved Juan You know

Juan smacked that guy one time Because of the dog For him hitting that German Shepherd Whatever the fuck kind of dog it was When we were kids And for like a year I quizzed Juan On St. Lazaro

Why? Does the dog, you know, when you're a kid, you quiz people. So wait a second. So you hit that guy because he hit a dog and the dog belonged to St. Lazaro. St. Lazaro is a Christian statue in my mind at the time. I was six or seven. Yeah, you had it in your house, right?

Yeah, we had it. But at that time, we didn't have a San Lazaro. We had just little ones in San Lazaro. It was the saint, St. Lazarus in Cuba that wears his colors purple and he has crutches. And they have dog licking his wounds. They're lepers. He was a leper. He was a leprosy and the dogs are licking his wounds.

one, the click keep along to the albacquas, they dedicate their life to St. Lazaro. The birthday is December 17th and they go fucking crazy. It's a big celebration

in Cuba. When you have arthritis or you have something wrong with your bones or you have and I know your people listen like Joey, what the fuck? Why are you hitting this with religion?

Why? Because this is what the fuck I know about. So you're supposed to, you know, you can make a promise to the saint that you'll wear a purple for a year,

like a purple t-shirt, a purple shirt. Everything that you do is dedicated to this fucking saint for a year. You won't eat something. I don't know exactly, but you dedicate your life to this saint

and it heals all your fucking bone problems and all this shit. So why this guy's saying this shit to me how he shot his German ship and one time I shot this big old collie that was eating my turn up grip or whatever the fuck he was saying. And I'm looking like this guy's legs on him like,

that's what you get, you miserable fucking bastard. San Lazaro's got fucking plans for you, cuck sucker. He's like, in my mind, St. Lazar was like Denzel and Man on Fire. He's just stabbing motherfuckers who do things to dogs. And it's funny because, you know, when Michael Vick got sentenced, like I've always said this before, he couldn't go to a lot of federal prisons. A lot of federal prisons wouldn't take them because they had a high concentration of Cuban al-Bacquas.

All you need is three or four of those motherfuckers and you're dying. You don't need no 60 fucking white guys that hate Jews and niggers. Or you need a four fucking Cuban abacquas and somebody, one of those motherfuckers are, get to you because they'll die if they don't they get like they're like bomb terrorists you know what I'm saying they're the same way they're gonna kill you in jail

if they don't give a fuck what happens to them afterward they have a goal and once they achieve it you're fucking done if it's slicing your fucking neck I guess you're the one that's going down Lee Lee Leeland looking like a little fucking kid all depressed somebody saved Sophie

this dog needs and but the best thing is you bring it to a no kill I don't understand all this I don't understand how they could kill an animal in three fucking days, but I understand it caused money and manpower to fucking woke. This is what you do. You get convicts who are doing community service to go to those fucking things, and that's free. And how much does it cost to feed a dog and a cat? Three dollars a day, $10? Not even, not even. I feed fucking cats all the goddamn time. Those little cans of fancy feasts of

49 cents. You give them a half a can and dry food. They ain't fucking killing you. They can last a lot more. But I don't make the rules, and I don't supply to them. I don't understand the whole thing behind it. You ever see Dr. Kevin Vett, the veterinarian on Animal Planet? No. He's a comedian, Denver. Kevin Fitzgerald. Oh, really?

And I used to talk to him a lot about animals. He takes a look at her little head. She's a cute little fucking girl. It's sad. It's sad. I love animals, and we all fucking do. But anyway, we're the original fucking animals. What else is going on, Lysiah?

We got a live fucking podcast. Oh, yeah. Wednesday night with Ari Shafia. And a big bag of Cheebo. choose. I'm feeling good today. I hope everybody's feeling good. Like I said, I really did sleep four and a half fucking hours. I woke up and I slept for two minutes over the alarm,

which I never do. I always beat the alarm. I slept for two minutes. I thought I was going to NASA's. They were talking about the moon or some shit on this radio station where my wife had on there. I got up, I knew I was in trouble. I took my fucking pill. I took my coffee and after that I made a little fucking banana

combination. I took a couple of alpha brains and I ate an apple and I had some cereal. And I'll tell you what, I feel like a new man. I don't know what the rest of the day is going to bring because it's going to be Claudia and I really have nothing on the agenda except for Jiu-Jitsu tonight, you know, and I got to go. I eat like a fucking savage this weekend.

Did you have, what's, what's your wife's family make? Did they make anything good? They made fucking tremendous breakfast. That's what they made. Their bacon is out of this world. It's amazing when you go to different parts of the United States and you eat the food, how different it tastes in different regions. Yeah.

You know, when you're in the Midwest, you know you're in the fucking Midwest. The vegetables. We opened right up with that Jimmy Kelly's in Nashville. As soon as I landed Thursday, I was high as fuck, Lee. High as fuck. What's Jimmy Kelly? Jimmy Kelly's is like a little steakhouse. Oh, nice.

We got NASCAR. As soon as we got to Nashville, me, her, my wife and the sister-in-law, went over to Jimmy Kelly's. We threw down some, I got a beautiful tomato onion salad, Lee, with a spicy Italian dressing on it. Uh-oh. Oh, my Godly. It was big fucking tomatoes.

on top of white onions and it's just spicy and you cut the fucking onion nobody else with the table we eat them so I had to eat the whole tomato onion fucking appetizer by myself I loved it we got the little shrimp cocktail we got a little

a little crab cake action and then I ordered a little fucking steak I didn't eat a lot of meat that day I focused on I'm trying to really get healthy but I can't I don't know what the fuck's going on I have no idea my stomach's getting bigger and fucking big and I don't eat desserts Well you're working out I mean it has to be getting healthy

you have to be healthy but like it's just the weight's not coming up No. Well, I got off this testosterone. I'm going to go take the blood out again this week. Hopefully. I just looked up a blood cross, a red cross, whatever. I can't believe they've got to take a fucking pint out. That's 16 goddamn ounces. Stop thinking about it. You're just going to go.

Jesus Christ. But the last night again, me and my wife, she didn't watch Sons of Anarchy on Tuesday, so we watched last week's episode, which kind of sucked. I don't know where the fuck it's going. They had a fucking transvest night. They had to save the family. A kid. What the fuck? They're bikers. Why are they hanging out with a fucking transvest bike for? I don't, unless they're going to kill her.

chopper up into fucking pieces. Why are they hanging out with a fucking transvestite? And I got nothing against transvestites. But why the fuck would you want to hang out with a biking gang? The whole time you're there, you're thinking somebody's going to stab me in the fucking neck eventually. I'm a fucking transvestite. I don't understand that episode. Is it one of the episodes like it's leading to something?

Yeah, it's leading to something. It's going to get all fucked up on sons of anarchy. Trust me, because the Irish, the fucking black, it's going to go to war. They got no shed. They got the thing got blown up. Where the fuck are they going? There's five fucking bikers here. They're not even X-Men or nothing like that.

You know what I'm saying? They got a felony way? How the fuck are you going to act, Lee? Where are you going to go? I don't know. It's Monday, bitch. I wouldn't hang out with the transit myself, but I don't know. I'm telling you, I'm fired up today.

Half of me is fired up. I'm trying to be conservative. I feel bad for Lee and the goddamn dog. But we got a bust out. I got some fucking alpha brain in me. You need some alpha brain. Go to Onet. Onet.com.

They're getting stronger every day. They sent me that Stivie. I've been using it with my coffee. Fucking tremendous. And it mixes and matches. all the other great stuff they got on there. They got battle ropes and all that stuff, but I can't get your discount on that.

What I'm getting your discount on is the minerals, the vitamins, the hemp force proteins, the new vanilla, what I saw, assaye, I see, whatever the fuck you call it. You got the hem force chocolate bars, the protein bars. You got the alpha brand. You got the new mood, which fucking, you sleep like a baby. You got the Shroom Tech, which will give you two extra hours of fucking savage energy. Even I get it, like a fucking savage.

You're sitting there going, why are tired? I mean, you're huff and puffing puff, But you can tell you want to do it one more time. You know what I'm saying? So give it a fucking shot. Go to honor.com press the code word. What is it? Church.

Church, bitch. C-H-U-R-C-H. And get yourself from my fucking honor and get your day going, bitches. Right now it's time to smoke this fucking number. What do you got for me, though? You have some music. What the fuck?

Let's fire the hell up here. It's Monday, October 28. Trick-a-treat. Suck my dick. Fucking, that's Thursday. Today you got to focus. You got to go out there and sling, motherfucking dick.

Oh, shit. Hold on one second. Sorry. What happened, Louie? The ad started playing again. You're killing me, you got to get it together. You're over there petting the dog like an evil fucking... Like you're some evil guy that's going to take over the world.

You're slipping. Get it together. What kind of say? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. This podcast is brought to you by Dollar Shave Cup. We'll shave your fucking pussy. A dollar, $6, or $9. Let's do it without the song.

Why? Who gives a fuck? We're just dropping it on them right. and now let these motherfuckers know what's crashing. He's a cute dog, Lee. Yeah, she's great. How many pit bulls they have done that? None, a bunch of chihuahuas.

Yeah, chihuahua's number two now. I don't know what the fuck it is with chihuahua. These people, you get a chihuahua, you bring it home. I mean, you can put a chihuahua in your fucking pocket. You know? Hit it! Lee, where's the volume today? Where's the volume on that music?

Kick that motherfucker, Lee. What? Big payback motherfuckers. Grab your ball, sniff your fingers. Get out there. You got it. Coming to you. What are we doing, Lee?

Look at Lee. Where you're on your back, Lee? Where'd you eat this weekend? Beside Felipe's. When did you take the white teeth? Did you start juicing? What happened with the juices? Is it for the dog?

Yeah, basically. No, we went to BJ's yesterday for breakfast. Where's B. Pasadena? Right next to the dog. It's a good place. Yeah, fuck yeah. Yeah, they got a good chicken tortilla soup.

They got a nice salad over there, nice Asian salad. Yeah, I got a... I got a chicken sandwich. It was nice. What can you do? I was thinking about something kind of weird. What were you thinking about? Because I'm starting my own podcast.

I was like, when I started this, I didn't want to be on it. And I was like, why didn't I want to be on it? And it's kind of weird. I wasn't really, I wasn't disliked as a kid, but I didn't have a lot of friends. And like, you know what? I wasn't like a pariah, but I don't know if it's because I was nice or what it was. but not a lot of people like hearing you talk about all the friends you had like i had a few friends but like it was never like that for me and uh i think it's because i'm shy and it's hard for me

to make friends but i've had people who like i've the bullying thing i think is overblown now but i've i've gone through it so i understand what it means i actually there's a ted that some guy who listens to the podcast uh posted of this guy talking about bullying which almost made me cry but uh he was the bully or he was the bully he was the person who got bullied um it was like a spoken word poem about getting bullied and i was thinking like it's kind of like i was i was wondering why i was like oh well i don't like talking or whatever but then i was like i think the reason why is because i don't i wouldn't believe like people being nice or i don't think anyone would want to listen to what i had to say and it's i just want to say thank you because it's been so amazing how nice everyone's been

and at first you kind of don't believe it because everyone is really amazing but it made me think about where I came from like the stories you have it's good and like I don't talk to some people from high school because like you just drift apart but it's also because I just I wasn't that close

and like the especially with the stories you have like you guys are like out of the norm and I think a lot of people who listen to this podcast maybe they weren't bullied but I don't think I don't think a lot of people have the relationships you have. I was thinking about that on the drive home the other night.

They don't have the relationships I have, but they had a family. You understand me? So why they could talk about going into Thanksgiving dinners and sitting with their cousins and meeting their family, I didn't have that grown up.

So God, whoever the fuck, takes care of that department, Hindu or Buddha or whoever, made sure that I was taking care of and he put friends in my life. You know? Yeah. I really have acquaintances.

As you know, I'm a crazy motherfucker in a certain way and not too many people want to be around me for some reason or whatever and I understand it but the people who are aren't my friends, they're my family, they're my brothers. Your beauty on this podcast has been your vulnerability.

We're all very vulnerable. Some people see it and other people, some people don't. You know what? I talk a lot of shit and I got a dirty fucking mouth but I'd be no better. I'd be the best friend you could have, number one, number two. You feel my pain. I'm pain driven.

You know, some people are motivated by money. Some people, I'm pain driven. I took all that bullying because I didn't get bullied by people. I got bullied by life. Sometimes life bullies you, man. And you have to take that and hold it close to your art and fuel that. You have to fuel that. You know, until this day I get mad by my stepdad,

not ever give me a dollar of my mother's money. Let's pretend the house he broke even. Let's pretend that the jewelry he broke even. What about the property in Miami? But you know what I did, Lee? I took that pain of getting beat, and I said, fuck that money. I'm going to go and make my own money. Yeah.

Do you understand me? So we all have different... It's like I eat pussy this more. My fucking throat's all fucked up. We all have different needs and desires. I lucked out, man. I lucked out. God took away my family, but he put friends in my life.

Friends that I couldn't go three days without talking to. I know what it's like. I know what they're going through. I know what they live. Yeah, they, you know, I'm talking to more and more to Lubbs a lot. Oh, really? You know, when I went home last time, I realized what Lubes meant to my life. Loobes, Jimmy Berkwell, they're those people that I would not be here if it wasn't for them.

There's no way. There's no fucking way. There's no way. Loebbs brought me money so many nights. You know how many nights? I would wake up right now with no dough and call Loebbs and he'd bring $60 to a hotel for me to be able to sleep it off again. you know how hard that is to sleep at all, you know, to be, to sleep

two hours and for the phone the ring, go you're out of here, it's the dead of the winter, and you got $3.60 in your pocket, you got no weed, you got no car, you know, and you're stuck somewhere. So that's why I talk about my friends. But on the other hand, you can talk about your family vacations. You went to Disneyland, and then we all have our fucking positives,

and we all have our negatives. You just got to take the positive and fucking run with it. You know, and that's the beauty of it. I'm proud of you. starting your own. And I think more people that have, you're shy. You're naturally shy. Nothing wrong with that. Some people like getting up and saying, suck on my dick. You wouldn't put your dick in that chick's mouth that slept on the fucking couch here. You're shy dude. Nothing wrong with that. Well, people see it. And they relate. I've been to prison. You ever talk to somebody and somebody

goes, stay away from that guy. He's been to prison. Yeah. Okay. You talk to me and we hang out. You come to my fucking house. What's the problem? What, what is the, what is? You ever talk to someone? You know, or what makes me, you understand me? I actually wanted to talk to you about that. There's this guy who I went to high school with, he was a year older than me, who's been in and out of prison. He, like, he would rob places.

There's nothing, I don't think anything violent, but he would rob places, and he went in, like, a few times, and he just got out after, like, seven months. And there's this girl who lives in the town, and they're, like, it's on Facebook now, and, like, they're kind of starting the date, and people are talking, like,

oh, why would she do that? And, because she's kind of, she is in the health field, so she's doing pretty well and like at first I was like yeah why would she do that like someone just got to prison

but then I was like wait Terry's with Joey and granted it was like after like it was right it wasn't right after you got out of prison but like him did she deal with that

do you think uh you know because it's kind of fucked up at first my wife told her parents like without even thinking she was because they do a background

check shut the fuck up you don't have to say nothing to nobody you know you have to say nothing to nobody you know in your life it's man people have had to deal with it and I love the people that brush it off because you don't know what you're missing

it's like me with broccoli I refuse to fucking eat broccoli I don't like the taste I don't like to text you but I wish I did eat broccoli because it's really good for you so because I don't eat broccoli I miss out you know if you don't talk to somebody because they went to prison or whatever first off women have a

fucking save you thing every woman has a mommy issue that she's going to take us and save us some of us get saved some of us take that shit and run to the fucking bank where we steal your car and your credit card get our dick sucked on your fucking bed and fuck your sister I was never that type

but you know you have to give people a second chance it's like Michael Vic everybody hated on Michael Vic so did I he killed fucking dogs but what type of fucking man would I be if I didn't give Michael Vic a second chance because you people that listened to this fucking podcast gave me a second chance even though nothing how

Listen, people, I'm going to tell you two fucking versions of it, and you do what you want. I kidnapped this kid, Kent Vela, and I was charged with kidnapping one and two, which is taking somebody from one room and putting them in the other. That's what the law told you I did. He didn't get hurt. He didn't do anything. We handcuffed him, put him in the fucking living room, and that was it. Then the other guy put him in the trunk of a car and drove running for a few hours.

That's not my fucking problem at all. You know, I started the party out. I didn't take him for a fucking joyride in the trunk. on paper he was a fucking scumbag just like us who we tried to fuck up and nothing happened

no harm no foul why did the fucking state of Colorado spend thousands of dollars in manpower finding out what the fuck we did you know what because we broke the fucking law

we broke the paper law the street law it's three scumbags that got what the fuck they deserved hopefully now Vello get out and after six months

he'll get a gun and they'll shoot these two two motherfuckers down that's what you're supposed to do or move on with your life. That's what you're supposed to do. But the United States judicial system or the laws said I kidnap somebody.

Right now I'm living and I read whatever my life. I don't know what the fuck the other idiot's doing. And Vela's on Facebook fucking looking old. I don't know what the fuck the other than it's doing. So we all had the same fucking opportunities afterwards. You understand me? Vela ended up going to jail for something too afterwards, for something would blow.

So it was three fucking scumbags that got what the fuck they deserve. Sometimes the police and the law, They help in some situations. Sometimes they don't help. I'm happy they threw me in fucking prison. Really? I'm for, fuck yeah. I wouldn't be here talking to you.

Because I made the one, I didn't live, like the same way you said something. You said something at the age of 25 that I never even understood. You said that you're going to bring that fucking dog back. And you're going to apologize and you made a mistake. And the bigger the man, the bigger the fucking mistake. And you do it. And it's over with this dog's not going to get killed. Whatever the pretext.

you spent two days with a beautiful animal. You gave it hope. This dog's going to go back now and whatever. Somebody's going to pick it up. Hopefully somebody from the podcast is going to adopt this dog to tell a friend or something. Yeah, that'd be great. Where the dog is at.

But on the other hand of it, what if you just took the fucking dog and left it down the corner? You claim responsibility for yourself. You claim responsibility for yourself at 25. You're way ahead of the game. I didn't claim responsibility for myself at 28 after I was drawn in fucking jail.

That's when I learned about claiming responsibility. after I got thrown in fucking prison you learned it right here it started with a little fucking dog you know what you fucked up that's it I'll go I'll give the dog back I'll give another 300 so she could fucking hold down to him for an extra month and give them nice

food and pet them and that's how life is and hopefully in a month you hit the fucking number we get a deal something happens and we fucking buy a house and you go back a top 10 fucking sofas that's how you make up for your mistakes that's how you make up for your mistakes okay

you fucking correct the mistake and then just to even out the karma you go in your fucking pocket and you fucking straighten shit out and that's it. That's how you even out a great mistake so nobody's feelings is hurt this dog's gonna love you forever.

Even after he gets adopted and I think of his fucking little Jew friendly, you know what I'm saying? That Jew was all right. He gave me half of his hummus. Did you give it any hummus cuck-suck? No, no. But I fucking give it all the treats

and... Sophie. She's good. I was petrified. I was like, maybe if I put the crate in the bathroom because she whines and every dog I get doesn't want to be in the crate. All she wants is to be rubbed.

Would you want to be in a fucking crate? No, but all these other dogs are cool. No, grow the fucking crate out. That's the, you know, you get an animal to give it 24-hour access into your life. If you're not going to give the animal 24-hour access into your fucking life, leave the fucking animal where it is. Give the animal the best life you could fucking give it. Give the animal the best life you could give it.

You will feel so much fucking better about yourself. You know how many times? I spend $4 and I get two extra pieces of fucking sushi and I take it to go. And I come home and I chop the sushi up and give it to the fucking animals and how they look at me. It cost me $4 to make their fucking day. You know? My mother hated dogs. Well, that's what she said on paper.

She loved dogs. She had to because of San Lazaro because of her Cuban fucking commitment. My mother would go to the butcher and boil bones and take the fat out of the bones and take that fat and put it on the dog food for their coat. You put that much effort into the fucking dogs where you don't like fucking dogs? you understand me those are little things so please don't get an animal unless you're going to give it 24 fucking 7 axes he's going to go around with a crate

you want me to put you in a fucking cage and push you around and drive you around town on sunset you're sitting in a fucking cage would you like that no I don't fucking think so you know it's like I love my cats but would I fucking fly with them and put them under the fucking plane to do what to do what

what are you going to do with your animal under the fucking plane it's freezing under there you hear the engines it's cold you know Fuck it. Get the car and take the three or four fucking days. I understand you don't have the time. Me and my wife talk about it a lot of time. If we got to fucking move, what are we going to do? We got to get some type of RV and put the cats in there and stop

and let them piss in the fucking weeds and rest up. Who the fuck knows? Why am I answering these questions? What am I? Doct the animals today? Apparently, fuck. Just get a fucking animal and adjust your life. You'll be finally. Yeah, she's cool.

She's, yeah, it's sad. But it's, it sucks admitting you made a mistake. but it happens. It happens. Lee, this won't be the first mistake you're going to make, and this won't be the last one. This mistake, you're going to learn so much from this mistake in so many different levels.

You're going to learn in so many different levels that this will never happen again. And in time when you hit the fucking number, you're going to replace it with three of those fucking dogs. You're going to find a dog that looks just like Sophie, or hopefully Sophie will be around. You want to smoke some dope so you don't cry at the shelf. No, I'll be cool.

But yeah, that's fucking, It's fucking awesome. You know to McDonald's? What? Have I ever? I went to McDonald's then. What do you get? Sweet tea.

I didn't eat nothing. I couldn't get myself to eat something. In Tennessee, they all have sweet tea. My niece was hungry after Jackson. The sweet tea was delicious at McDonald's. They're opening like 24 hours. They let you walk in at night. Not like here.

They shut you out in the street like a fucking Michael Mukiac. You got to drive around in circles and get your cheeseburgers. So how did your daughter like the time with her grandma and all the family and stuff? She loved it. She loved it. You know, the week before, we went to insurance and had to put her, change it over and change a beneficiary over and all this paperwork. And my wife looked at me and she goes,

I put Teresa down as if something happens to us, she gets the baby. And I go, that's no problem, her and the godfather. And I'll tell you what, she loved her aunt. She loved her aunt. The first time, not so much. This time, her aunt had her. I mean, if she ever cried, I could see her right, come into the room, and her hold the mean to stop. My daughter's getting to be big.

You know, she's bigger, and it's a lot of fun for me. You know, I hope I stick around and watch it grow. You know, I hope I stay healthy and everything because it's really a fucking adventure. It's really taught me a lot about myself. It's been a fun ride, Lee. Yeah, it's almost a year. Yeah, we've been doing the podcast for a year. No, no, she's a year old.

Yeah, we've been doing it for more than a year now. Yeah, she's a year old, this January, and I'm very. excited about that. So no, it's, you know, you live and you're learning, and this is, uh, it's fucking life is great. Life is just one big fucking learning ball and it's what you apply to it and you keep learning and it keeps spinning into something. That's who becomes you, you know? Yeah. You're not really defined, you know, I, I went to Tennessee and I saw all these people that are very happy and they're happy with what they have. They don't have BMWs and they don't have stupid cars and they don't go to fucking premieres and they don't do none of that shit. And, you know, you look at humans,

for what the fuck they are. You look at us for what we're supposed to be. We're not supposed to judge people by money or whatever. It's the character and who the fuck we are. It's so neat that they're, you know, nobody gave a fuck about movies. I don't give a fuck about that. It doesn't define me. You know, me going to prison always define me more than fucking doing some Longest Yard

or some movie or any of that shit, you know, because that's who I really fucking am. In the back of my mind, that's who the fuck I am. Yeah. You know, a fucking artist, cuck, sucker. We're still going to the movies. December 25th, I got some fucking emails. People excited. We're going to the movies, bitch.

It's going to be one of these Lemley's or one of these North Hollywood fives or, what is it? Sherman Oaks has a great movie theater. Burbank has a great movie theater. So I'm going to do something in the area of December 25th. We're going to meet for the 8 o'clock grudge match and smoke some pot. And we're going to get some shirts made. Santa could suck my dick. And that's it.

Hopefully we'll buy Leah House and he'll go buy a fucking thousand dogs. And the girl was excited about the dog too. Oh, yeah. She was heartbroken, yeah. Well, she has her own dog. But she, like, I mean, I love dogs too. Who doesn't love dogs? But, yeah, she was sad and the stuff.

But it'll all work out. It always does, man. Fucking water boxer, making it happen as usual. Cucks, I'll give some shout-outs. My man, Michelle Carroll, John Albalardo, Edward Alvarez, Keith Proy. I don't know what the fool of the fuck that is. Hers Space Lee

and Philly Godfather, you bad motherfuckers, you know what I'm saying? Always a beautiful day to be alive. I will be down in Kentucky. We got a big fucking tour. The CDs, when's the CD's going to be ready to Lee Cucks? This weekend. You sure? I'm taking the pictures. I don't want you know fucking stories.

Close the window. It was going to be a good fucking CD. Lee technician did, how's it sounding? You and fucking Amanda DiAgostino. Oh, yeah. Which show you're digging? The first show on Saturday or the second show? putting them together. No, I like the opening

of the first show Saturday and then the second show Friday. You're a savage brother. Yeah. The opening of the first show. Opening second show Saturday. Sorry. You don't like the first show on Saturday? That's what I meant. Opening second show Saturday and then first show Saturday. You're fucking savagely. Look at you

got the little head to do. So you walked eight miles yesterday? Oh yeah. I fucking because this is something I never heard and with cats I've heard it but like with my girl they have peep heads at the house for the dog. They don't take the dog a walk. They take him out, but it's mostly just the pee pads. I'm like,

you don't, you take the dog out for a walk three or four times a day. I've never heard of a dog peeing inside a house. And it's huge here. I don't know. I've never, like... What do you mean pee pad? It's like a pad you put down, and they pee on that, and they poop on that, and in the house. What the fuck? I've never seen that.

I think it's an East Coast thing. Because West Coast, half a pet go, there were stacks and stacks of it. It's just little, it's like a little plastic paper pad. The West Coast thing. Well, it's the East Coast thing that we take him out, is what I'm saying. Oh, it's an East Coast thing that we take them out on the West Coast. West Coast, it seems like they, or maybe it's L.A.

Or I never understood it. She told me, she's like, oh, yeah, we don't want to take it. We take him out every once in a while. But yeah, he just peaks in the house and we clean up the pad. And, like, they have doggy litter. And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, no, no. You get a fucking dog gets to take him out and see sunshine and fucking see the hot air and, you know, get some sun and throw a fucking frisbee from him and shit like that.

You're not going to make them sit in the house and pee on some fucking pad. No, no. It was, it's, uh, I mean, I get it. If you live in an apartment, it could be easier, but it's, I was like, wow, I've never. And she was like, yeah, everyone, everyone, like, she was, it was weird that I didn't know about it. I don't know about it either. I thought you walked your fucking dog. Yeah.

Why would you want your dog to shit in a fucking house on some pee pad? That's what cats do. The reason to get a dog is to take him out for a fucking walk and go around the neighbor. I mean, let me tell you something. it's been beautiful in Southern California lately. I mean, to the point where I did something last Wednesday outside and I couldn't believe how beautiful it was. And I remember going to myself,

this is the weird thing that last week I said to myself, it would be nice to have something to be able to walk with the baby. Yeah. And the dog at the same fucking time, you know, it would be nice to have something. And all of a sudden you called me sat and you're like, let me drop something on you. I have an idea.

And I thought you had like an idea for a movie or something. I'm thinking and getting a dog. I'm like, are you fucking crazy, Lee? And you said something, but the dog was 20 years old. I said one in my girlfriend, she laughed for like three days. Because he said one foot in the grave, one on the banana peel. And she'd never heard that before. What the fuck?

She died laughing for about four days. Oh, please. I thought that you said the dog was 20 years old. I'm like, you adopt a dog that's 20 fucking. And you go, no, it's a year old. Oh, okay, then adopt the goddamn dog. But I didn't know for sure. But, you know, um.

Listen, man, you're not the first person that did this and you won't be the goddamn last, you know? No. But the weather is, and that's nice, I'm happy that you even consider it because it would make you get out of the house and walk around. Yeah. I'm going to start walking around the daytime, too, I think. Yeah, do you want a dog? No. I wish I could.

I wish I could get three or four fucking dogs and have the property to walk around with him. I was one of the best times in my life when I had Hercules, when that fucking ex-wife of mine came and took him. Oh, she took him? from my buddy's house while I was in New York doing comedy. And you know why she took him? Because in reality, what the fuck? I was no position to have a dog. You know, I was a single guy. I had no responsibility. I was doing drugs like a motherfucker.

I gave him a lot of love and I walked him and I always cared for me. He always had food and that's all that fucking mattered. But I was at that point in my life. I couldn't take him. I was getting into comedy. And my ex-wife took him. And years later, he died and she fucking contacted me and it broke my goddamn heart he was my dog from day one that dog I got him when he was five weeks old

in Aspen Colorado and I used to make him banana protein shakes he grew up so fast he was 74 pounds when he was five months old or something he grew so fast that he grew out of his bones his legs grew out

so I had to fucking stop him they had to give valium and oh it was horrible he was turning out to be this huge fucking German ship and So I listen man Dogs and animals they're one of the biggest Every time I see a cat on the side of a street When I'm driving I go that's somebody's cat

You know and they're looking around the neighbor They're putting fucking signs up That's why I don't let my cats go out at night I can't fucking stand when my animals go out at night Because I couldn't sleep not knowing I couldn't fucking I die when grade disappeared That was the When I went in and out of your house

I was like okay I barely open the door I was like please don't want to play And they were cool they were just hanging out. But then I saw Gray, because, like, Gray didn't come out during the daytime when I went over. But then when I went over at night,

she was cool and she was meowing up the storm. You know, it's amazing the difference they put in your life and how they calm you down and how they hear. You know, they do response. And after a while, when you have any animal, you're a fucking bird, and you're out doing something and nothing's going on. You're like, you know what?

Fuck it. I'm going to go home and hang out with this goddamn bird. Yeah. You know, and shit's bad outside. You're like, fuck it. Worst case scenario. I go home, hang out with the fucking bird. And that's it.

Have a good time. We'll smoke some dope. We'll eat some fucking bird seats. Any animal that you have is always better. They always understand you. So, Lee, bring the fucking dog back and start from scratch. Gottsucking. Next time, plan ahead.

All right. And you'll be fine. That dog's going to be fine. She's a cute little fucking dog. Somebody will fucking attack. They've been calling her Kiwi. Because I changed the name to Sophie. So if you go to Mutchack and there's a key

grab her. Yeah, she looks like a Kiwi. She looks more like a Kiwi. Really? Yeah. That's why she didn't react to me. She's black and white. I said, Sophie, and she didn't even look at me.

I just got her yesterday. Yeah. She was homeless. She didn't have a name. The name of her keywee. She's black and white. Where'd they find her? On the street.

The picture of her before with a little matted hair and so it was sad. Where on the street? I don't know. It didn't say, but on the shelter it just said it was a stray. Like, it wasn't like someone dropped her off at the shelter. It wasn't like someone dropped her off the shelter. They picked her up off the street. So, at least, I'm looking at it like, like I donated money and I'm fostering her for a couple days.

She didn't have to be able. She took her home for a few days and gave her a taste of hope and showed her what love is and warmed. And she don't like fucking beds. She's going to go back to the shelf and tell the cats a dog, listen. I don't like fucking beds. I don't know what the big deal is. She got really pissed off. And then I have a little reclining love seat.

And she loved that. She dug that. We slept there last night. So. All right. You're happy about what happened with the red side? last night. They won.

So you're 2-2, and they're taking it back to Boston? No, there's one more game in St. Louis tonight. Then they go back to Boston. Then they go back to Boston, yeah. So they go back to Boston either up one or down one? Oh, yeah. Then they've got to read two in Boston. Well, hopefully we win tonight, and there's only one in Boston.

Let's hope so, because it's getting close. St. Louis is tough, huh? They're tough. I think we're better, but our pitching and our head... Well, our pitching's been actually pretty great. Our hitting's been kind of shitty recently. So hopefully we're okay. But, uh...

And when are you going to kick off this podcast? You've been telling me for the last two months. I told you, my dad's coming in November. November what? November 9th. November 9th. That's next Friday. Yeah.

Right? Yeah. Next Saturday. No, oh, then in the 8th of Friday. He's coming up. Friday. So that's Friday. And then what are you guys going to do the pilot?

You're going to do with DiAgostino the first one? Yeah, maybe, yeah. We're going to get, oh, well, I'll probably just interview my dad, but I might have the Agostino in on other ones. So you're just going to do a podcast of interviewing your day. You're not going to introduce yourself. You're not going to talk for a fucking hour or so and tell him who the fuck Lee's Sayat really is.

I will. You're going to tell him how you're doing jumping jacks and how you got gel for your head doing everything. You always say there's gel. There's no hair to put gel in. Yes, you do. You have to call it. You need the gel and make it look like you got more fucking hair.

What can I do? Fuck it. So that's good that you're doing the pocket. But, you know, Lee, it wasn't in your... personality. You never ever thought that it was in your personality to do a podcast. That's why you didn't want to talk about it the first time. Yeah.

That's why you just wanted to sit there. Me, I didn't like just throwing air, water into a fucking ego. It seemed like you're too much of an ego when you just talked about yourself. So I'm happy that you got involved. And I always knew you would be good because of your vulnerability. You know what, Lee? You're just learning about all this crazy

shit. You don't need this shit in your life. You'd be a happy guy at home with your fucking computer, watching sports. And all of a sudden, you got involved with a fucking guy that did. Did go to prison. He's a crazy comedian. We have a good time. We smoked dope.

We went to New York. You know, this is fucking new for you. Yeah. So, you know, a lot of people have come to me on the road and said, hey, man, we're really happy that Lee's come out of his shell. You know, so it was going to happen. You just needed the right push. Sometimes, and I don't know why. I don't know why.

You're always a personable kid. You know, you're always funny. You know, you got a lot of heart. I like to, but it takes me a while to open up to people. It takes me a while to open up and I get... But if you've noticed the people I hang out with that, you've met, it's like you've been their friends for 20 years. Oh, yeah, yeah, everyone's been...

And it helped, because I would have been before you, like even the first time I met you, I was petrified. Like, anyone who's been on TV, if I've seen you in a fucking newspaper, I used to get... Dennis Eckersley was at dinner where my family was eating once, and my brother went up and got an autograph. And I never was...

I wasn't even alive, really, when he was pitching, or I wasn't really paying attention to it and I was I like hit behind a napkin I don't I would I was never cool at that but working with you and meeting meeting Felipe and meeting Joe Rogan a couple times and Arr-Shafir like it's really

it's really helped it's kind of it's crazy I always remember but uh everybody puts their pants on one like at a fucking time yeah you know I've been in conversations where big time people but I don't say a fucking word but I'm in that kind I'm in there I'm standing there

It doesn't, I've never needed to say something to be in the conversation. I've never been one of those people. I could be there without being there, so I really don't give a fuck. For me, I always felt that people put their pants on one leg at a time. I'm being a kid and being like having ice cream or something. And some fucking mobster or something would come in and people go, that's Jimmy, whatever, that's whatever. And I remember thinking to myself, what did that fucking guy do?

What did that guy do that I got to act like he's some fucking guy. above, you know what, if they're a doctor or a fucking lawyer or a president or somebody who really does something fucking good, that's when I'm really impressed. Like I say it every day, you know, every fucking day, the number one thing trending is some fucking movie star, Kim Kardashian. We should be a fucking shame to ourselves. You know, we really should be, or something negative. It's never about the fucking guy, the doctor.

Every day somewhere in the United States, a fucking miracle happens with somebody gets hit by a car and the doctor brings a man and saves them or invents something. We never hear about those fucking guys. You never hear about those people. The firemen who save, now you do because of the internet. And now you do because of national news as a whole

if something is very interesting. But before, we give that person, fucking what do we give him in? In the state of Ohio, this fireman went out of his way and saved the fucking cat on the tree today. Details are 11. They don't really go into his life.

Fucking Angelina Jolie adopts a kid. You know that bitch can't, people doing movies, going to the gym, doing all this shit, and she got time for eight fucking kids. There's no fucking way, okay? There's no fucking way you go to the gym, you hang out with your husband, you suck his dick. There's no way you can hang out with eight fucking kids. Right?

That's what they have now. Eight fucking kids. They probably have 20 nannies. How many fucking nannies do you think they have all fucking camera? How many do you think? So, you know what? I have a bunch of fucking cats, but I take care of them all individually, and I give them all love but these people right away you actually fucking believe that angeline joly really has those

eight kids and really has this schedule really looks that fucking good because she petted attention to those eight kids i want you to send me a fucking picture of a mom who's got three kids who looks really good who has time to take care of her fucking three kids and and go to the fucking gym three hours a day with a personal trainer find me that fucking woman so next time you look at angeline oh she's such a great mom go fuck yourself you fucking dummy she's got 20 fucking nans If she turns around to somebody wiping her ass. On camera, she takes all the fucking nannies out of the picture, and it's her with those eight fucking kids from 19 different fucking countries.

And it's great that she saved those fucking kids. But at the end, it's a fucking nanny. But they talk about her. And I got nothing against Angela Jolie. I got nothing against. I don't give a fucking shit. She took Brad Pitt away from that fucking jerk off chick. I don't give a fuck.

Next time plan ahead, friends and stop hanging out with that other ugly fucking chick with the fucked-up husband. What's her name? Courtney Cox. with the other fucked-up husband I got stuck watching that show one night late that fucking what I what friends no the other one oh Cougar town oh my god and she does plastic surgery she looks like I never saw it fucking Wackadoo she's the only one who had us had anything after fucking friends really I mean Jennifer Anderson does crappy movies but I don't see any other actors doing anything well I guess Lisa

Cudrow does that yeah show on showtime and stuff but it's just fucking weird that people well Angela Jolie's a mother of a really let me see you fucking raise eight kids, cook breakfast, dinner, and lunch, clean a fucking house, and have time to go to the gym for three hours a day to look that fucking good. Because any woman you know will fucking tell you that shit. There's no way. There's no way. But they'll talk about it to the day's end.

And that's what pisses me on. We focus on the wrong fucking things. There's somebody out there doing a lot fucking better things than me and you. We do a podcast and that's great. What about the fucking girl who goes to school, studies, and works out of a fucking shelter, cleaning kettles up? You know how hard it is to go in there and clean dog shit? And they don't give you the easy jobs when you volunteer.

No. They give you the fucking shit jobs, you know? So that's what my fucking head is at today. Monday, October 28, do me a favor. Do me a fucking favor. Today, write down what you want the rest of the year. And how are you going to do it? How are we going to do it?

I want to suck 20 dicks. I'm going to be able to suck 20 dicks. Write your goals down. That's all I asked. And number two, do me a solid fucking favor. I've been telling you this. And more and more people come to me And more and more fucking people

Hit me with emails and thank me Hulu Plus Not a bad deal I'm giving you two weeks for fucking free Then it's $7.98 a month And you get original programming You get shows I mean there's so much stuff on there

My wife was looking at it on the plane Yeah And I was blown the fuck away Of how much shit there is on Hulu Plus Please go to Hulu Plus Go to the banner on joeydiers.net Clicking Joey

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And while you're out of You're gonna shave You're gonna shave your balls There's always a problem with shaving The shave is not fucking sharp enough You forgot. Bye, blah, bah.

Forget all that shit. You don't need to go to CVS. Even though I love going to CBS. I got the special awards program. You got to love fucking CVS. Everyone has it. Oh, they do? Yeah.

I'm a big shot. I got the CVS for awards. You know what me. I got a floss. Like a motherfucker. Let these people know I'm in tight with CVS. But that's not the fucking thing I'm trying to get to here. Here's what you need.

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All right, why are we talking about all this shit right now? Let's get ready to rock. Monday. I love you guys. Like I'm telling you, this Wednesday, the Ice House in Pasadena, 8 o'clock, a live podcast with Ari Shafia. I don't even know what it costs to get it. It's going to be a fucking bargain. Then at 10 o'clock, and the main

we got Rogan, Bill Burr, who else? You got Tom's Seguro. It's a show in a fucking half. It's a night of fucking Dead Squad Festival. The podcast will be off the hoop. We're going to do it all with Cheebo Choozinnis. Gumi Bears the other ones. What's your preference? What are you? What's your

preference? How many do you? How many? How many green hornets are you eating that night? How many? How many? Even Cheeba Choo says you eat half or a quarter. Don't worry about what Cheeba Choo fucking tells you, right? They're the one who make it. You eat the fucking goomy bear, and that's it.

You're going to need it to redeem yourself after the fucking dog, cock's sucker. Two or three Gumi bears. By Wednesday night, you'll be crying. You'll have a dog shirt on and shit with a fucking knife going through his head. You better get it together. You're slipping, cocksucker. So we're going to goo me it up Wednesday night at the ice house. 8 o'clock 626-577 1893

Then November 7th 8th and 9th I'm in Raleigh, North Carolina At Charlie motherfucking good good good good nights Oh shit Oh shit I'm going over to hang out with fucking Mayberry RFD I think it's in North Carolina I don't know what the fuck that place is

I'm just making this shit up in my head Are you going to go to a Tar Hill game or anything like that No I'm in Raleigh Dornham I don't know how far it is Oh there's in North Carolina There's a what type of other guys Fuck I don't forget it hell.

Here's where Dean Smith used to be. I don't know who's there now. Some other coats that looks like Lee Harvey Yardro. Tell you what I can't stand.

What? I can't stand people who try to make a buck off dumb shit. Like, the other guy was watching TV at my in-law's house.

I was waiting for the law and order to come on. Oh. What? I just can't imagine what infomercial you saw. No,

no, no. I saw a thing on Heraldo Rivera. For some reason I got stuck watching Heralgo. He was talking about something interesting about girls getting raped in colleges. And what happens?

They never get charges, get pressed on them. But then they started talking about a story about Sam G. and Connum, and how the mob killed Kennedy. And on the 50th anniversary, Sam G. and Connor's daughter and his nephew are both live from Chicago. They're going to tell why they know President Kennedy was shot by Sam G. and Connor because, and I'm sitting there going, who gives a fuck? Who gets you going to go buy another scam? book about my, well my uncle told me

this guy, you could tell he's a fucking Guido, he's in Chicago, and he's living off, I'm Sam Jankar's nephew, you guys a fuck guy, that was 80 fucking years ago. Get your clocks fixed, all right? You know, what the fuck is wrong with him? I'm Sam Jankan's nephew, you guys a fuck. You're probably a fish guy at fucking some supermarket, and you walk around like you're some fucking these people kill me.

And they write a book about how he told me, he told you, he told his fucking nephew, killed fucking Kennedy. All right? And then you're just coming out. Yeah, you're 28, and he told you he killed fucking Ken. These people just, you know, they wear, it's like Sammy the Bull's daughter when you watch that dumb mob wives. Like, my father, what the fuck?

Your father was a fucking criminal, bro. Stop with your fucking father. He wasn't no president. He wasn't no whatever. It's like me with my mother. My mother was a fucking criminal. You know, you don't see me go on my mother. Now, fuck you, you fucking dummy.

Sorry about that. I get emotional. It's fucking Monday. The point being is these people always try. to go out and make a fucking dollar on somebody. Oh, well, he told me, really? He told you. It's always the friend of a friend.

Or he would, what the fuck? How desperate are you, you know? And it's never going to stop happening. Like, they're doing reality shows based on that now, like movies. Like, even though I want to see it, that new Tom Hanks movie about the guy who was kidnapped by pirates. That looked good. It looks interesting. It looks good.

But it's, that's all movies are going to be now because people are running out of stories. So they're going to actually have to pull them from real life. So I'm, I'll show it'll see. see a movie about that in a couple of years. Dirty Grandpa did good this week. It was number one. What did good? Dirty Grandpa, and it beat that other movie,

they had all those stars in it. And they said the other movie sucked. I don't know. Bad Grandpa. Oh, no, I know that one. Yeah, that one looks funny. The other one is the counselor with Brad Pitt. Oh, I heard that sucks.

Really? Yeah. Oh, it got fucking trash. It looked so. It looked really good. I was reading out on the plane. There was some newspaper USA Today, and it was fucking getting trashed.

I'm Thursday. So that's why I know, I don't give a fuck, wait. It's Monday. I got to get out there and fucking hustle. And I'm telling you guys right now, do the same. You got two months towards the holidays. Nobody wants to be fucking broken on the holidays sitting at somebody's out. With $3 in your fucking pocket.

Get out there. Fucking get a knife. Go stab somebody. Get a job. You got to do something fucking today, cock suckers. Get up, wash your feet, wash your pussy. Go adopt a dog. Do something.

Make your fucking day start with something, all right? And that's it. That's all I got for you, motherfuckers. I want to thank my sponsors. Hulu Plus, Dollar Shave Club, Arbery over at Honet, these bad motherfuckers, always making life better for you and easier for you. I want to thank my co-host, my main man, my little brother, Lee Syatt, for fucking being alive on a Monday and being able to do this.

Thank you, man. And for learning one of life's biggest fucking lessons. And until you claim responsibility, nothing happens. I feel bad for what happened with you and the doggie. But you know what? He's going to be okay. He got some light shine on him. Yeah, she's good.

She's beautiful. She's going to be fine. and she's going to recover and it's not like they're going to kill her. You definitely are going to bring her back. I'm going to leave right now. Really? Yeah. And then what are you doing the rest of the day?

You're going to cry? You're going to sit in the dark and cry. You're going to juice. Not today. Fuck it. I want to go McDonald's and draw my sorrows and French fries or something. I don't know. I wonder what you could find the fucking place for a dog in the next three days.

and I could find a place but I couldn't I couldn't pack everything and have the podcast ready and it's just unfortunately it's not going to work out and I should have sometimes it's good to go with your heart

but sometimes you have to really you really should take a step back and let the emotions die down because some of these people were at the place yesterday and they picked up a dog that was like right from the pound and was like really crying and really jittery. It's like, fuck.

Like, they went in that day, saw her and grabbed her. I was like, fuck. That's, it seems like you should really put a little, like I at least slept on it and did that. But it, uh, you really sometimes can't go with your heart. Well, that's the lesson for the day. I hope you enjoyed the church of what's happening now. Thank you for tuning in early

and for fucking giving us the love that you guys give us all the time. And that's it. That's all I got for you, motherfuckers. Stay black. See you Wednesday night. At the ice house. Oh shit. Payback, bitch.

Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere, on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus. When you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey, or go to JoeyDias.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And don't forget to sign up for our friends at dollar shaveclub.com.

You get high-quality razor sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollar shaveclub.com slash church or just go to joey dyes.net and click on the dollar shave club banner.