The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #103 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: October 4, 2021

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October the fucking fourth. We did it. It's over. The movie is out. Whether you liked it or not, I don't give a fuck. I had a great time. It was great to fucking do. I had a great weekend.

I mean, the weekend was just... I couldn't ask for a better weekend, man. I don't even know where I would fit stand-up into my life. now. It's not that, you know, it used to be I don't have time for shit. Now I don't have time for stand-up. It's just, it's insane. This upcoming week, I'm out six nights in a row. Monday game, Wednesday game, Friday game, Tuesday and Thursday, kickboxing, Saturday, kids party at night, 5.30 fucking party. It's a beautiful fucking life, man. So we watched the movie. I hope all you guys watch it. I hope you had a great fucking week.

Everybody had their fucking opinions and I loved it. Listen guys, for a guy like me this started in 2000. I remember reading for them and my hands were fucking shaking as I was

auditioning. My hands were shaking. My hands were basically fucking shaking. I remember walking out of there and going up, I'm never going to get a roll here. I didn't get it. I audition maybe four or

five different times for Gigi the stand-up comic I mean it was just and I was bummed out listen when you get experienced in acting it's a numbers game guys you know it's a numbers game if you go on five auditions

you're going to get three callbacks and you're going to get one role that's how I look at it that's my percentages it doesn't usually work out that way sometimes you do 10 auditions You don't hear from nobody for fucking seven of them in a row And then the eighth one is a callback The ninth one is a call back

And producers in a pin And the 10th one is they call you back Right off the fucking bat It's just numbers So you can't really when you audition You can't take it home with you And be stressing out for four fucking days Because it won't work out for you

Trust me what I'm telling you I was the king of this The whole thing with life That I just figured out when I was sitting there watching this movie. It's two things, guys. It's experience and maturity. I wasn't, when I first read for the Sopranos

when I was 42 years old, I wasn't prepared for the fucking role. There was no way. I wasn't ready yet. You know, one thing I learned from watching that movie in the movie theater Wednesday night, like I was telling Mike, I watched it four times already.

I watched the screening of it. I watched the premiere. I watched the scene. screening of it in Union and I watched the screening of it in Eaton Town. The first two times I watched the movie was just to watch it, just to pick it up, just to see what the fuck happened. And I enjoyed it. The first time I did not enjoy it because it was a small screening room. I enjoyed it in the theater and I enjoyed it in the theater again at the AMCs. It was tremendous experience with the folding fucking chairs and the whole goddamn thing.

You have to watch in the theater. At home, it's not going to work out for you. It's just, you don't get the full experience from it. It'll knock it off by 50 fucking percent. It's just, it's like that with every movie. I've seen a bunch of movies, and I've done experiments in my head. I hate watching movies at home. It just doesn't work unless you're alone.

And even then, it's a fucking nightmare. Because you've got to get up to pee, blah, blah, blah, blah, who's not fucking calling you? You know, that's why I hate going to movies in the daytime. because there's business being fucking done. So I'm sitting in the movie theater. I'm finally settling in. I'm finally starting to have a good time. And boom, my fucking phone goes off.

And I don't get up to answer it. You know, I'll keep watching a movie. But now it grows in your head like a fucking weed. That why is this guy calling you? Did something happen? That he fall off his fucking skateboard? You know, you don't fucking know. So now you got to get up and you just miss four fucking minutes for nothing.

A couple months ago, I was at church. A friend of mine called me once. No problem, I'm not going to go outside. She called me again. Then she called again in 15 fucking minutes. I walked outside. I'm sweating bullets and something happened to my fucking friend. She asked me, what do you know about this guy?

I think I got a crush on him. I go, you called me three fucking times to tell me that. You know, so, you know, you never fucking know what you're going. gonna. The Sunday morning at 11 o'clock. She bumped into him Saturday at the park. And she thought he was cute. You know, he was fucking 55,

56 years old like me. He's fucking cute. Great. So, you know, you never know what fucking phone call you're answering and shit. So I try to fucking keep it simple. But that's what I realized while I was watching that movie.

This movie wasn't based on my years of a year of comedy. This movie came from 23 years of hard work. If you're a young comic or a young actor, I want you to keep that in mind. I want you to keep in mind that if they go to you with a project of this magnitude early on

and you book it and you're not prepared and the word gets out, you're finished. So if you ever book a film like this to this caliber, whether it's the longest yard, grudge match, one thing I learned was I was always prepared. you know, I'm not an actor by trade. I didn't go to Russia to study acting with John Berndtall. You know, he did.

He really went to Russia. I mean, he's a bad motherfucker. You know, Alessandro is a bad motherfucker. Corey Stahl is a bad motherfucker. Do I have to tell you what Ray Leota is? I mean, listen, the movie's out now so I can tell you guys about this. You know, it's basically my second day or third day of fucking shooting, all right? and I don't know if you watch the movie or not.

We'll break down the scenes real quick for you. The first scene I basically shot was me in the room when he kicks the TV. When Dickie Maltesante, that was my first scene. And I remember that I was improvising in there. If you notice, I had no lines. I was trying to get a line in. You know Uncle Joey. Right.

You got to get your fucking line at something funny, something whatever. I don't know what I said. Okay, but after he kicked the TV and he yelled at us, I would crack a joke. And they were funny. We were giggling these shit amongst ourselves, you know, whatever. After about 10 takes, 12 takes, because you got to shoot it from every fucking angle. I remember one of the guys coming up to me and going, listen. just to give you a heads up.

David, don't like it when you improvise. Stick to the script. And that script, you have no lines in there. There's a reason. Trust me. My feelings didn't get hurt. I understand writing. I understand the process of writing.

And I know that with somebody as calculated as David Chase, it's going to come back later on to be relevant. So let me just do what they want to. and we'll fucking move the fuck on. So we did it. But during that scene, something else happened that I watched them shoot something at the funeral for Hollywood Dick.

And I realized that everything was very tight. And then I sat there for a while. And I thought of all the episodes that I had watched how the acting was very tight. And I go, I get what he's trying to do. So the second scene I shot, was when I asked Junior if he's got diarrhea and they put the TV down. Again, I tried to be cute and I'm surprised they kept.

What am I going to do with this fucking thing anyway? I'm very surprised. That was an improvised line. My original line was whatever, three Cs, cash, that was it. But that's that scene when the silence is in the air, when we just left there looking at each other, I couldn't have that silence, but that's what makes David Chase the genius that he is.

He wanted to create that silence. So, again, that was when I caught on. That's why that scene is possibly my best scene in the movie, because I was already on board mentally for that. So now I had a few days off. I went up to Milwaukee. I went to fucking Chicago. or something, Milwaukee and something else, Minnesota.

And I come back. I got Monday off, thank God, because my body was broken from the week before the late fucking nights in New York and the, you know, the flying. So Monday I'm off. I fucking go to a kickboxing class across the street. I take it easy. I do some laundry.

And Tuesday, I got to go back in there. Now it's the second time I meet Ray Leota. So I meet him His trailer is close to mine I meet him You know I met him at the table read But I see him in the morning

I say good morning What's going on Big day today It was the scene Inside Satri house So I go to makeup You know Hair about an hour later

You eat breakfast You know you look at your fucking sheets for the day I go over I'm sitting in the makeup trailer And who's sitting next to me But Ray Leota You know

I'm a good guy, guys, and I'm a hard worker. And even though I knew my shit, I just wanted to see how it flowed. That's what a stand-up does, right? When you're a stand-up, you go home, you write your stupid fucking jokes. Then you go on stage and you fucking try them. And if they don't work after three times, you say fucking back to the drawing board. So even with acting, if I have lines, I want to read them with Mike before I do it. So I learn maybe there's something I'm missing.

Maybe there's a pause. I didn't catch. So I said, Ray, do you want to fucking do the lines? Do you know this motherfucker just looked at me? Like he just went And he went back to his makeup I didn't say nothing You know Uncle Joey

I said maybe he knows his lines better than me Maybe he's a method actor I have no fucking idea I'm just gonna run with it right So I go back to my fucking trailer Boom makeup You know Put your wardrobe by and you're about to shoot

We go back It's an early morning fucking shoot I'm sitting there As you guys saw I'm sitting next to Rand I got Pussed next to me. I got Pauly on the stove. I got somebody in front of me.

It doesn't matter. Junior's walking around. Silvio's at the phone, you know, taking numbers. We're sitting there and boom, the scene starts, you know? And sure enough, I say my line, and he has to tell the Sinatra story, and it's just not working. It's not working. It's all over the fucking place. And the scripty girl is yelling at him, Ray, it's this.

I know. Ray, it's this. I know. Ray, it's this. I know. So now I got to be honest with you guys. I'm starting to get a little pissed off here because I'm the fucking most unprofessional motherfucker I know.

I'm a comedian. I'm a fucking moron. And I know that that's a David Chase production and I want to be prepared. But something I've noticed the last 10 years, the fucking, every time I go on a set, the biggest names, they don't know their lines. They get so much work. thrown at him. And it's not their fault. Listen, after a while, you're shooting junk for fucking 20 years.

You know, every script sounds the same, even though people tell you, where do you read that script that moved me? No, it didn't. It was just a fucking whatever, you know what I'm saying? So every script sounds the same. When I get a job now because of who I am and how I do things because of me, I read the script. Even though it's painful sometimes, I read the script. With this, I couldn't read the script. Mr. Chase didn't want you to have a script. So you couldn't build an arc in your fucking mind. Like you always want your character to have some type of arc. I didn't build an arc inside my mind, but I did. Once I saw the movie, I go, Jesus Christ, my arc was fucking okay there. You know, everything was fine. So I take that shit kind of seriously.

So after like 10 fucking takes, even though he's a senior actor, he's done a lot more than me or whatever, my feelings were a little hurt. You know, I went out there with, my fucking hand open and now you don't know the fucking lines, you know? So I'm like, Ray, what the fuck? You know, you're supposed to know

your fucking lines. He's doing the lines. He's spitting food and shit. So, so. Everybody started torching. Like, Ray, what the fuck? Ray, what the fuck? You know?

Ray, what the fuck? Eventually he just left. He just left. It was just us shooting around him. There was just a guy sitting there and we were just doing the fucking lines. It was tremendous. But, you know,

it's Ray. Ray Leota. It's Ray Leota. It's a David Chase production. You know, you don't want to be rude. Whatever happened at the table happened at the table. We were busting his balls a little bit. But we weren't going to say. It's not like you're going to get up and go, what the fuck? This guy didn't know his fucking lines. You know, that's not what it's all about. So we're sitting there later on three, four hours later. It's midnight. You know, they're changing fucking cameras and shit. So you have to break in between. Usually sit down and get a cup of fucking hot cocoa,

maybe you got some peanut Eminems, whatever, an expresso, whatever the fuck you're into. And I'm sitting there. And somebody, not me, goes, what the fuck was up with Ray before? Listen, like six people just fell on the floor laughing because nobody was going to say nothing. You know what I'm saying?

So we had a good fucking laugh. We laughed for like 20 minutes. People were like, what the fuck was that today? I'm like, I don't know. but don't, you know. So sure enough, we shoot a couple more hours. We get, we wrap, you know, we get in the trailer, we change into fucking wardrobe. And we're taking a shuttle back into Manhattan that drops us off on 33rd and 3rd.

Or 36 and 3rd. It really doesn't fucking matter. So we're headed over in the shuttle. It's a long day. Everybody's quiet in the car. There was a sweetheart makeup girl that didn't say dick. And she was sitting in the back and she goes, What the hell was up with Ray Leota today?

And we're like, wow, we didn't know what the fuck was up. So when I went to see the movie the first fucking time, I didn't know what to expect from Ray Leota. Now, there was two Ray Leotas, as you guys saw. I'm sorry about the spoiler alert. I thought the second Ray Leota, who played Sal, was so fucking brilliant. It was crazy.

Let me tell you something else about Ray. Focus on the scene in the very beginning, the confirmation scene. Not when he's showing the priest to picture, but when he's sitting there looking straight ahead like a fucking Charles Manson and Carmine, who's played by Nick Valalanga,

comes over and he goes, who's that? Maria, lots of pizza. And he goes, get the fuck out of here, you fucking mutt. I want you to focus on his face if you're watching on TV and slow it down.

And watch how when the words come out of Valalanga's mouth, his face changes before he even delivers the lines. That's brilliant, fucking acting. You know, I've been watching this shit for years.

I love zeroing it on people. Am I going to? actor? Not at all. I just act very naturally and I play me. When I play me, it's easy to be you. You know what I'm like I? I don't think no fucking genius. When fucking Joe Pesci won the Oscar for Goodfellas, it was very easy. He was playing him. He was playing him. When you're playing you like a role that comes to you like that. So when I do these movies, I'm basically playing me. I can't fucking act. I'm no actor. I know the basics of it. I know how to breathe and how to fucking You know, my whole stand-up was always written, but delivered improvised.

So you thought it was being said the first time. I've worked on being organic like that, you know, since day one. And that's what I was thinking when I was watching this movie, how, holy fuck, it took me 23 years to work to get this movie. Like, it took me all the 23 years I spent in L.A. to perform the way I did in this movie. It wasn't, that would have not been that way if I would have just got,

went to an acting class and I was 35 years old. There's no fucking way. The reason why I did as well as I did was because everything I did led up to that role. If I never work on a feature film again, it's fine with me. And I said this since I shot the movie because the movie was so high caliber for me.

That it really doesn't matter. I'll never be in that greater company again, but I'm hoping I will. You know what I'm saying? Like I'm hoping that now is the start of an acting career. And the only way to get an acting career kicking when you're a guy in my position is to close the door on stand-up,

nothing happens. Nothing happens until you close one door, then another one opens, you know? So we all know that. So this is what I'm thinking about right now. This is what's been on my mind for the last few months, You know, I'm not saying I'm done with stand-up,

but, you know, you got to close one door before another one opens. And if I want, I'd really, this is my dream, guys, to be on some fucking, I'd really love to be on lawn on a couple episodes of season. I don't want to be a star, I don't want to, just a little, you know, I was a big Lenny fucking Briscoe fucking fan. You know, I'm a cop fan. They have the organized crime show now. The show's been on forever.

If I get on that fucking show, I would do whatever. For three seasons, I'd make it to 62 or 63. Hopefully somebody shoots me, and I fucking move the fuck on. You know what I'm saying? Once you get, I've been shot in two more movies already. That's tremendous. I was shot and analyzed that in the very beginning,

and I was shot in this movie. You know, the difference on the two movies are analyzed that. You don't see me get shot with bullets. This one, you see my head fly off like a fucking pumpkin. And it was fucking tremendous, guys. I remember when I was reading the table read. And I saw that. I was like, God damn it.

And I wasn't bummed because I was getting shot. I was bummed because if you've ever shot a fucking movie or TV show where there's blood involved, it's a nightmare. When you're getting shot because they shoot you. And then there's a Puerto Rican with a bucket filled with like fake blood, like Billy Gold blood, like fucking carry. And they throw it at you. Sometimes the blood lands here. That means you got to do it over again. Sometimes the blood hangs in your, lands in your eye.

Like when you come in your girlfriend's eyes, sometimes it just ricochets and it goes in your eye, you got to shoot it over again. If the blood isn't time right, you got to shoot it over again. So when I saw that scene, I go, well, there we go. I'm going to have to change 15 fucking times one night. It sucks, dick. But you got to look perfect.

So they got to scrub you down, put your hair back the way it was. If it got wet, they got to blow dry it. I was like, God damn it. I'm not looking forward to it. Like two days before, they were like, hey, are you looking forward to your big scene? And I'm like, not really. Like, it's going to be quick because we're CGIing it.

I was like, holy shit. That was fucking tremendous. So like two days later, I went in there. They sat me down. They put two lights on my head, two lights in front of me, one behind me. They fucking measured my head. Yeah, it was something from another, you know. And a couple years ago, I did Mafia, whatever, the game.

I don't know. You down to that. Yeah. I died in that too. So that's three fucking deaths in a mafia movie. Who's better than me? Nobody, cock suckers. But when I did that one, that was also an education also

because when you do those, they just put a black suit on you with light bulbs. Like these little fucking lightboats. So I look like the fucking Michelin man. Only with fucking light bulbs all over me. It was pretty fucking, listen, man. And this is what I'm trying to tell you, this is the name of this episode.

maturity and experience I know a lot of you know it's like Ray Leota said pain comes from one thing sure it does I had that pain that's why I was snort and fucking fucking coke like a fiend

because there's nothing more frustrating in life that knowing you could do something and they won't let you do it so you have to step up to the fucking pump what do I mean by step up to the fucking pump you gotta get up and go fuck it this is what I want to do

and with me it was always like, oh, we can't get you into that movie. Listen, man, I've put a thousand feathers in my cap. But one of the feathers that I put in my cap was for is not waiting for motherfuckers. I don't wait for agents or people like that to fucking do something. I ask you one time. And while I'm hanging up, I'm already planning how I'm going to fucking reach out to you to enhance the fucking meeting.

Like even though my agent's going to call, I'm going to call too, just to let them know I'm not fucking the fuck around. Like I've always been one of those guys When I first got to LA for two or three years All the rows I was going for I couldn't even get in for them So I said fuck it I became friends with this guy

And he told me get me any script And I said good From now I'm gonna start putting my own fucking auditions on tape And that's what I did You ready? Taxi The Longest Yard American gangster which then they recasted That's not my fucking fault

But I booked it from a tape The other movie with Denzel Washington that I got cut from inside man doesn't matter I got cut I still sent the fucking tape in you know all these movies I got because I was very aggressive to get them I knew I could cover the fucking spread

analyzed that I went after that like a motherfucker I sent the tape to her from the mezos and then bought my own plane ticket to come to New York City I didn't buy it I was broke my friend gave me a ticket on fucking one of those airlines one of those economy airlines not spirit but the other one out of Denver.

Holy shit, they lost my luggage on the way there. I had an audition with no fucking clothes. And I still booked it. That's mental toughness. That's what the maturity comes from. And the motherfucking experience, what do you think I'm talking about here? You fucks?

So dive in. When you believe you get something, whether you're a guitar player, whether you're a drummer, and people are holding you down, you ever join one of those bands and everybody's a fucking lop? The one kid's rich,

so he's got the best fucking, you know, the speaker system and the other guy fucking, you know, he's like 80. Like, you ever see the Motley Crew movie when the, when the guy is old and he shows up and they hire him, you know, he's an old guy and he's kind of like fucking, he's kind of negative. You know, you got to bump into all those motherfuckers, but you have to be on the top of your fucking game always. You know, that's what I learned about watching this on the big screen that with me, listen. The agents, they make more money putting you on the road than they do in movies. They're not going to put you in movies. So I had to fist fight these motherfuckers to put me in that fucking movie.

Like I had to say, get me an audition. You know, I missed fucking the Englishman. I missed fucking the other fucking movie. The Irishman, the Englishman. Yeah, they should make an Englishman. Some English fucking gangster. The Englishman. It's fucking crazy, guys, how bad my memory is from time to time.

And I'm not even I. This is why I'm happy I don't get high in the fucking daytime, even though I got to be honest with you guys about something. This was a breakthrough fucking week, guys. After a year, a year of fucking with this anxiety and this fucking feeling and not being sure of myself, how do I know? I tried it yesterday.

In between games, I flew over here to take a fucking shit. and I was like, man, there's nothing I want to do more than smoke a fucking bowl right now. Mike gave me a bowl of a lion. I fucking filled it up with a little bit of weed, just a little bit, no fucking keef. And I hit it. Oh, I got so nice and fucking high at like 12 o'clock.

Now, it was like 1.35. My heart didn't beat because usually when I get high in the daytime, the last time I got high in the daytime was like in June, I brought my friends, my neighbors, some edibles across the street, and I had an open bag, and I ate a 10 milligram just because they taste good. Now, you and I both know that 10 milligrams does nothing to your fucking Uncle Joe. You guys know this, right?

Well, I got to tell you something, my fucking heart went off the fucking scales. See what the withdrawing that I had. I ain't like them. Remember the magnesium plus the response from me? I think that product was great. I was resting. I was living good. I was eating good.

But every time I took it, it set off. I don't know what it's called. The Kindle, the phase. I don't know this fucking withdrawing terminology. But it sets you off. A lot of people, if you go on those benz-o websites and whatnot, they'll tell you what medication to take. But when you go into deep benzodia website,

they'll tell you, don't take nothing. Because at all, like when I eat Chinese food, holy shit. the MSP, the MSG, whatever the fuck it is, that shit sets my heart off and run it. Like there were so many things. Like if I smoked, did an edible, drank caffeine in the daytime,

like the morning coffee was fine. Anything after that would just set me to fuck off. There was times I was sitting in my chair and the heart beats were so hard that I could feel my shoulders from the fucking heart going this way and that way. I didn't wish this on anybody. This was a mistake I made.

It's not like I was taking pills and drinking with them or getting fucking eye. You don't get eye on those fucking things. You just do them to stop your fucking heartbeat. And my heart just rebounded out of control. I'm lucky. You know, I thought about going to a clinic and sitting there for like two months. And I was like, I'm not fucking doing that. Because everything I read told me that clinics can't help you.

It's time. It's time. It's working out. It's walking. You know, I went on there and I watched videos on you. YouTube on it. And I took a little bit from a lot of people. I'll tell you what else helped me a lot.

I'll tell you what is a fucking great product that I was hooked on when I first got it. And then, you know, through time you switch up, new mood. New mood from fucking On It is, it's fucking bailed me out this time. Listen, On it has bailed me out with three of their products. On it, On It. Alpha Brain bailed me out this time. that nude black label, that shit will get your gears running.

When you see that my gears are running, it's because of the fucking alpha brain. The new mood at night, it helps. It helps. 10 o'clock with my tea. I pop one and I just started doing this after I saw somebody talking about in new mood. I was like, really?

All right, fuck you. And the fucking, the shit that gives you oxygen, that's tremendous before working out. And the one that you take the Shroom Tech sport and the Shroom Tech immune before I would go on planes, the proof is in the pudding. I would have people go on planes with me and call me the next day. I got a cold.

I'm fine. You know, so that Shroom Tech immune was fucking great. So these little things that help. I took this thing called Com Support, a little pricey, but fucking tremendous because it's got a lot of great vitamins in it. So I didn't have to take a lot of... vitamins, you know, better help put me on, she suggested that I go on this certain anxiety medication, burpatin, I don't know what that, you know,

I'm not good with fucking names. That helped, you know, that helped a lot. And it's great to be able to focus. It's great to not be bummed out anymore. It's great that in between the therapy and the medication, it all worked out for me. And I'm not talking about medication, I'm talking about like alpha brain and, you know,

CBD lion, the fucking 1,500 milligram silver label, that helped a lot. You know, I had a lot of help, but there was a lot of shit that fucked me up, like the magnesium, which was a good product. These are all great products. I bought some vitamins that every time I would fucking take them, I would fly off the fucking chain. To create them, I bought, from your recommendation, a couple guys recommended to create them.

I think I did it four times, and I'm two for two on it. Two times it set me off and running, and two times I actually felt pretty fucking good on it. So it's all different. It's not like I'm going to, you know, I didn't want to take something. Like a lot of people recommend the light, oh, take a benzodia.

I don't live. I don't want to fucking have to taper off ever again. I don't ever want to do this. In fact, my knee's starting to hurt, the left one, and I'm not going to have fucking surgery right away because of those pain pills. Those pain pills are the worst fucking things in the world. I will stand by, behind what I say

150 fucking percent it's like smoking a cigarette I smoked for fucking eight years when I lived in L.A. I know it's not good for you you know it doesn't take a fucking genius but you want to know how bad it is quit smoking for a year

quit smoking for a year and then wake up do what you used to do spark a cigarette up when you wake up and sit there after you take three pups and sit there and go how bad do I fucking feel right now. Like, I feel

terrible. This is what you put in your body through every day. It's like drinking a Coke for breakfast. You ever drink a Coke for breakfast? I did for fucking 40 years. There was nothing. Fuck you in orange juice Tropicana with Pope. You could suck the Pope off my nutsack.

I'm fucking Pope. I drank a fuck. I used to wake up in the mornings and crack a can of Coke put it over ice and that's the first thing I drank all day. For all you jerk off, you got to drink a cold glass of water. Go fuck yourself. You don't know what life is to you drink a cold fucking Coke,

but you have no idea what that does to your body. It destroys your fucking body. If you don't believe me, look it up. Just Google what can of a Coke do for me before lunchtime? It sets you off for the rest of the fucking day. It puts your blood sugar so fucking high you can't recover. Did I know this? No.

When I was drinking 82 fucking coax a day? No, I was having a good time jumping up and down and shit. You know what I'm saying? I love Coke. Even now sometimes, you guys know it. You can't eat Chinese food without a nice can of Coke. Right? You ever try to eat that food young fucking sushi without a can of Coke?

Guess what? I do it. I sit there with water like a felon and fucking just drink it because that's it. You can't drink Diet Coke because that makes your fucking sodium pop up. Even though Friday night I had a couple of Italian short spare ribs from fucking the feast. Guys, you don't know what Italian spare ribs are until you get one from the feast. I don't eat spare ribs. You guys know me.

I used to love spare ribs. A fucking poo-poo platter and some pork-fried rice. What? What? Fucking tremendous. But no. Nothing like that anymore. You know, I'm 58.

I'm an old fucking man. So if you're drinking Coke in the morning, knock it the fuck off. And if you're smoking cigarettes when you wake up, knock it to fuck off. It's not good for you. But I was trying to tell you earlier that. This is what this podcast is about today. First of all, I've been doing this podcast for 10 years now. It's not about me goofing on some fucking little Jewish kid.

It's not about me fucking coming on here and smoking 55 joints. It's about you guys watching this to learn something from me. To avoid what I went through to, I'm giving you the fucking playbook. You follow them saying to you? I'm giving you the playbook for free. I don't want none. from you, motherfucker.

This podcast is free last time. I fucking checked. You just go on YouTube, put it to fuck on. Listen, I don't do this because I want to be famous. I don't want to do this because I want to be Anthony Roberts.

I don't want to do nothing. You understand me? I want to retire and get my fucking horse and fucking go off into the yonder like fucking Billy Ray Cyrus and the skinny black gay kid. You know what I'm saying?

They're going to ride that horse until a ride. I can't know more. You know, I'm one of those guys. I'm not looking to be a fucking movie. Star, none of that shit. That ship sailed. Do you follow me?

I'm just looking for you guys to take shit from me and go, oh, my uncle Joey said, it's fucking maturity. There's nothing you can do sometimes. I know you're an explosive fucking guitar player. I saw you.

You're the next Eddie Van Halen. But what happens when I give you $2 million, are you going to fucking get a bag of Coke and Connor McGregor me to death and fucking, you know,

fucking, you know, become crazy and start tweeting like Trump and, you know, these are the things you have to consider. I don't mind you fucking making $100 million. I encourage it. Anytime one of my friends could fuck the system, I'm jumping up and down for you. I hate the system as much as you guys fucking do. But what good is it getting to that plateau if you can't handle it? Listen, guys, if you think I could have handled what I went on with my life the last 10 years, when I was 35 in L.A.,

You guys know they would have found me in a casket already. I would have been there with Kay Quigley that night. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You guys think that, you know. Yeah. You guys think that I'm fucking better than you guys. No, I'm not.

I'm better than you guys because you guys met me when I was 40-something years old, 48 years old, or something like that. If you guys were met me when I was 33, you would have gone, we've got to stay away from that fucking guy. What's he talking about? What's he talking about? fucking people and asshole what's he talking about that's what I'm saying to you guys this is all about maturity

and what you can handle at a certain time I'm not going to give you something that you're not going to be able to handle I'm not going to give you something that I know in two years I'm going to get a call that you went off a fucking cliff because you couldn't handle what was given to you

it's it's the truth and it's what I've I've really been proud of that I didn't lose my fucking mind along the way. When I lost my mind after the longest yard, it wasn't a popularity contest losing your mind. It was losing my mind because I wanted more. I wanted more. I wanted it to happen. I thought that I had done a good job in the longest yard and I wanted something to come my way.

But again, if you think I was ready in 2005, you got another thing coming because that's why I went nuts on the set of the longest shot. Like after three or four months, I was telling people to suck my dick. There was a couple producers that just did not like me at all, and I didn't give a fuck. That's why they took me off the posters. I told a lot of people that they took me off the posters because Big Pussy had gotten into a fight with his girlfriend. They didn't want me to be confused with Big Pussy.

No, they took me off the poster. Yeah, because Big Poster got arrested for domestic violence. Something happened with his girlfriend. And they didn't want that to fuck the movie. And they didn't want that to fuck the movie. That's what I was told in a way But we all know what really happened I was acting like a fucking jerk off

So that's what happens I wasn't prepared for it One thing about the many saints I knew I can listen after today It's done we're moving on I just wanted to wrap it up And do a wrap around on it So you guys know how I stood

I wanted to tell you some funny stories From the fucking set But that's it We're not gonna Wednesday is a new fucking realm we're on I just guys want you to know I'm I, like I told you guys, I think, last week,

when I came back from New York one night, I was packing to go back to shoot the second leg of the Sopranos. And I remember I was just putting shit in my suitcase, and I said to myself, how lucky am I that I got fired when I first read for them in 2003 when I was shooting Spider-Man? How lucky am I? I would have never been able to handle it. even my behavior on the set wouldn't have been good.

I was on Coke. You know, not that I would have done Coke on the set, but I would have walked on that set with the whips of cocaine and with that negative energy that cocaine gives you a rind. So it would have never worked out. So I'm happy. And I was happy when I got fired because I knew I wasn't ready for it. I didn't want anybody to see me on Coke.

It's okay if I did Spider-Man and the longest yard and all that shit, but I'm telling you guys, grudge match, I was very well behaved. By that time, I wasn't doing blow. I think I was five years clean. I think that came out in 2013. Yeah, so I was about six years clean. Now it's different.

I'm 14 fucking years clean, and I could just feel it on the set. Even the night, there's a scene I've been looking at. Like, I looked at the last two times I watched it. It's when Dickie Maltesante is telling Harold. uh the african-american drug runner that he's got to leave town he gives him the 500 bucks in that scene i was very like after the second time i watched at the premiere i'm like i got to watch that fucking scene because that's the scene the night i was outside smoking dope at four in the

morning waiting for my uber to come and they came out and said joey we got to unwrap you and the girl was like kind of scared and i was like jesus fuck i fucked around i didn't give a fuck I wanted my behavior and my performance to be perfect on this. So I said, fuck it. Listen, I don't know if you know when they unwrap you, you got to put your whole wardrobe on. If it was a pair of hot pants and a bra, I wouldn't have fucking minded.

But it's shoes, Italian socks, all the way up to your fucking knees, you know, those seat through socks, pants, suspenders, a white shirt, a vest, a jacket, my hair. It was 20 minutes just to prepare me. By the time I walked back in, It was the scene where he's telling them to go And they shoot over his shoulder

So they felt they could still see me in the shot If you look at it I don't even pop the fuck up So it was a waste of fucking time It usually is nine of the ten times They're not gonna see it Nobody even cares But I remember walking in that night

And fucking around with them And going this is the most unprofessional Fucking thing I've ever been involved in my life You guys for calling me back And me for being high And we all just fucking laughed and had a great time. And that was the thing, like I told people, you know, I'm not really big on acting.

Like those long days and the attitude of some actors and shit, you got to fucking sit them down and tell them, listen, how about I fucking stick the camera up your ass? Some of them have a weird... None... Nobody had a weird attitude on this fucking set. You know, I haven't had... Maybe the last three sets I've been on four sets.

It's been great. I did a movie a couple years ago with Alex. with Alec Baldwin and a bunch of fucking stars it was an ego festival and you could smell the shit in the fucking air I didn't want to be there Alec Baldwin was getting me fucking upset but this was

everybody on this movie was fucking great guys and I'm fucking happy that a lot of you guys enjoyed this film I put everything I got into this fucking film I don't expect there's no expectations in my life on what's going to happen

or what's not going to happen Like when I did the longer shot, I was waiting for the phone to ring. I don't care if the phone rings or if it does a ring. Like I said, I just want a little gig on Law and Order. If they want to put me in the cop show, I'll be a detective, I'll be a detective at the fucking, at the jail. I'll be a criminal on Law & Order, organized crime. That's what I want to do right now. If some movies come along, I'm all in, you know.

I'm enjoying the fucking podcast. I'm starting to loosen up now. So now I think we're fucking home You know it took a fucking year To take the stick out of my ass With the fucking The minor depression The fucking

This was all new to me You know So You know we're shooting with fucking iPhones You know It's a big fucking different world I was thinking of switching This fucking studio around

For the year anniversary And making some things different But we'll see how that goes I'm not really in the mood right now I got a lot of my fucking plate especially this week, but that's what I wanted to talk to you guys about today. Maturity

and experience. I'll tell you what made me fucking want to talk to you guys about this. Last night I watched an Academy Award winning film. I don't know if it won Academy Award, but it's an Academy Award winning film in my fucking world. I watched the film Boogie Nights,

you know, and it really that movie has always hit home with me. It was based in a period between like 78 and 85, which were my fucking troublesome years, you know. There's a scene in there that just bothers me because it reminds me of me

when the red-headed chick that plays in Hannibal Lect, I forget what her name is, when she goes to the child court and they won't give her a kid because she's involved in prostitution or pornography and drugs. Anybody who knows that cuts, deep with me, you know, that scene resonates with me a lot.

And the other scene is when fucking Markey Warburg and C. Riley and the other guy go to the fucking Dr. Octopus's house. Have you ever seen that movie? Fuck. When they go to Dr. Octopus's house to rob him and he's got the little Chinese guy lighting firecrackers and he keeps drawing him up in the air and they're trying to rob him and the tension's building up and if that's not enough, every. every fucking four minutes you hear,

bah, ba, bah, ba, and they're trying to talk and they're like, bah, and they keep looking at the little Chinese guy.

When they want to talk and bah, the Chinese guy makes the little fucking firecracker again. Then the kids sitting down just snaps and he goes, I want what's in your safe, I want it all on the floor safe, and they start shooting at each other.

Guys, do you know how many fucking nights I went to a party at a drug dealer's house and that's how. how the night ended with people running out because there was a guy shooting because we were going to rob him or somebody was going to rob him.

Oh, my God. I remember when I lived in North Bergen, in 83 before I went to Colorado, there was a guy that would invite us over his house every Friday night, and he would just keep putting out Coke, putting out Coke, putting out Coke, putting out Coke, it was ugly.

And then he would try to impress the girls we brought with us. So he would start taking jewelry, start taking jewelry, You start taking jewelry out, all his jewelry. We clocked him as a fucking cop. We're like, this guy's a cop. We're not going to fuck with him. What's going to stop coming up here? And sure enough, I'm in Colorado.

If somebody tells me the guy is dead, somebody killed him on one of those fucking parties. I was like, thank God I don't live there anymore because I would have been getting the fucking blame for this. That's how you, and you know what? The guy was a fucking undercover cop. People got arrested, and it wasn't a good situation. When I was in Colorado, there was a guy up and asked him.

that would have parties. It was a gay guy. You know, he wasn't really gay. He was into everything eating pussy, getting his asshole fucked. He just was one of those dudes that the cocaine would make him go crazy. Sure enough, one of him and his body. And I had gone up there a few nights.

You know, I wasn't great friends with the guy. But I had a friend that was mutual friends with him. I went up there a couple nights. Do you know that one night he was snorting coke with his fucking buddies. And one of the buddies, one of the room, came out with a fucking machine gun and shot him up like 10,000 fucking times. gun for no reason for no reason so the fucking early 80s late 70s were nuts because the cocaine would be fucking going into your mind and you know all of a sudden somebody would take out

a piece somebody would take out a BB gun somebody would take out something but if anything pops out in that movie at me it's just what I went through that dark shadow of fucking I mean the movie smells like co-consens like a cold cane. They lose their mind. The fucking Bert Reynolds character fires, Markey Walberg. They're so coked out and so fucking delusional that they're trying to form a band. It is the worst music and the world. It's like, we will rock you. We will row you. We will show you. I'm like, oh my God, this is terrible. Then they're arguing with the fucking studio producer because they're telling the guy that unless he pays for the studio time they can't take the tapes and see riley's explained to the guy that if he

doesn't have the fucking tapes he can't get the money from the studio i mean it was like a drug conversation if you've ever been a junkie you know you've had those conversations i'm looking at this shit going that was me right there that was fucking me that drug fucking mind of always trying to get a little bit over on people you could just get a little over on people if they sell you a gram of coke but you could squeeze them for a tent of coke you feel good about yourself that's the addiction so i'm watching this last night and i'm like jesus fucking christ i watched it all the way to the end till it takes this fucking dick out for a white dude yeah like a 20 inch fucking thick fucking machine gun looking dick it was disturbing but i did it and i enjoyed the fucking movie out

like i said i only was i didn't want like some philip seymour hoffman's in it burrennels is in it the fucking guy gets shot in it from fucking that one show on showtime. I mean, he shoots himself because his wife's a fucking dirty whore. She's fucking a bunch of guys. But, I mean, nothing reminds me more of the 80s and what I went through than that movie. So that was a great movie to watch on this wrap-up because it showed me how far I came in my fucking life. I'm very proud of what I did on the many saints in Newark.

I know a lot of people are going to pan it. that's got nothing to do with me. They got nothing to do with my fucking dream. And they don't know what I went through. For me, it was, like I said, 23 years went into this movie. So I was as prepared as can be. So when you watch and you go,

fucking joy was pretty good in this movie. Say, yeah, but he prepared himself for 23 years. So for you young actors and your young comics, it doesn't happen overnight. Keep working. Take every course that you can. I took every cold reading course. I took every acting course.

I took everything that I can. Investing yourself. The investment paid off with a high-level fucking movie. That was a high-level payment. And it just didn't happen because I was Joe Jerkoff. It happened because I was a student of the game. Stand-up, acting-wise. I study movies.

I study performances. So just this movie and this podcast shall let you know that if you work hard, something will happen. The universe will fucking reward you. And that's what happens when your maturity and your experience take over a situation. I love you, motherfuckers, at all my heart. Ice cream shop is stocked up with laughing gas,

and it's better than fucking ever. Better than ever. That new crop is fucking killing motherfuckers because I've had like three or four my friends call me so they're back on. You go there today, Monday, and cop it your fucking self. Beside that, it's a fucking beautiful month to be alive.

The leaves are changing. My dick is bigger than ever. And we're all ready to fucking rock. I love you, motherfuckers. Thank you for the support. Thank you for the support on the many saints. And we're done with the many saints. We're on to the next fucking mind fuck.

I'll see you motherfuckers Wednesday. Tip-top, Magoo, ready to rock. And now for a word from my motherfucking sponsor. This is Jack. Stay black. All right, you bad motherfuckers. Thank you very much for listening today. Listen to many saints was great.

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