The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #104 | LEE SYATT | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: October 6, 2021

Welcome to The JOINT..... It's Wednesday, October 6th..... Today we chat with our buddy, LEE SYATT! This episode is brought to you by DraftKings, Freeze Pipe & Onnit….. Download the DraftKings SportsBook App & Enter Code: JOEY https://www.DraftKings.com/sportsbook to receive $150 in Free Bets when you Bet $1 on any Football Game…. Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH for 10% OFF your Order! Go to https://www.FreezePipe.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY For 10% OFF your 1st Order! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #LeeSyatt The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here from the heart of New Jersey. The joint is brought to you by Draft Kings. Listen, three weeks have fucking... Five weeks have gone down in the fucking books, and you're still dicking around. Football is back. College football is back.

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It's Wednesday. We got no time for funning games, Cogsuckers. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? October the 6th, Wednesday. Unfucking believable week. Tonight, you got the Dodgers against St. fucking Louis.

I don't know which way to go. Fucking St. Louis 1.9. 92 games in a row. The Dodgers are the best team. How can the Dodgers play in the wild card, and they're predicted to win the fucking World Series over the Giants? Who the fuck knows? Aren't you happy?

I'm into something now instead of fucking smoking dope and whatever. I got hobbies, cock suckers. I love baseball. I've always loved baseball. I won't watch a whole fucking game. Like last night I didn't watch the whole Yankee Red Sox game. I'll watch a couple of innings just the fucking, well, Mercy's in the shower, some shit.

Last night I went over to jimmies and watched the game. Tonight, I don't know what I'm doing. Oh, tonight, she's got a fucking game tonight. So there's no fucking Dodger game for Uncle Joey tonight. You know what I'm saying? I got to go watch my daughter play softball. But it's been a great week. I fucking, you know, I love doing podcasts.

I love what they stand for. I love everything about them. But sometimes I let them get too fucking serious. Sometimes I'll just coming on here and having a fucking goof, you know. Too bad I don't smoke. dope in here, whatever. My daughter's upstairs, so I can't be down here acting like fucking Tommy Chung. She could smell it right through the fucking floor.

But it's all good, man. We're having a great week. I'm happy whatever happened last week, happened last week. It's in the motherfucking past. So today, I want to just make an easy fucking podcast so you guys get gig a little bit and get your fucking boots back to you. I'm having Lysayat on today. It's a little church reunion, just us talking.

some shit just to slow down the week. We had a lot of intense podcast the last couple of weeks with big time guests, so I just wanted to chill today and just have a little te-tatee, and hopefully you'll fucking enjoy it. If not, I don't know what the fuck to tell you, you know what I'm saying? I'm trying my fucking best here. I'm having a good time. I'm healthy and I'm here for you, cock suckers.

Whether or not you fucking like it, I don't give a fuck. Enjoy Lysayat, Cocksuckers. What up, Johnny Cheech? What's up, buddy? How's it going? Getting old, brother. Getting old, you're not old.

Holy shit. The shit I used to do, fucking in L.A. Five days, seven days a week, I can't do now. No, you're sleeping until 10 o'clock now?

You're relaxing. Slept till 7 today. But went to bed at fucking 11.15, you know. Damn. I go to bed early. I get fucking so stonedly. It's ridiculous. it's ridiculous how much the tolerance has changed Lee

wow yeah my I'm good on like 100 milligrams now I smoke I know you have the those freeze pipes I got a couple freeze pipes they're fucking awesome freeze pipes hit hard they do but it doesn't make me call I used the fucking little one that's what I use holy shit holy shit I tried it one night I didn't want to roll a joint and I put weed in there and keef and my eyeball almost came out i was like the one-eyed fucking jew did you put the whipped cream on up her ass yet no if i've been doing it without whipped cream i gotta watch the calories no you got to put the nozzle in her asshole like Starbucks you ever go to Starbucks when they they don't put whipped cream on the coffee and then put the lid on it they put the lid on and then put the

fucking nozzle in the fucking coffee and then you got to do the same with the asshole so it comes out you put a little half a cherry on there I got to eat that ass how long are you been eating ass for like two months i i gotta give you your credit man you're when you're right you're right that was it's tremendous isn't it wasn't it wasn't that bad i don't know i like we were just having sex and like it would just like i've never had sex like this like it's actually like it's fun it's good we have a ton of sex and i just looked at it one day i was like i had like i had you on my shoulder pretty much i like i got i got to do it i just dove in and i like we joked about it before that I don't like doing that because

and then she knows about you and like teasing me about it and I just went right in and now it's like every day you gotta see what it's like Doug and your immune sister I don't know how to fuck he got sick again because I don't know ass on a weekly I was spitting the flu I was spitting the flu right in the face I would see the flu on the street and just spit in his face

fuck you it wasn't that bad it was I hope you listerine I hope you're listerineing though you gotta have Listerine if you're gonna eat ass and pussy Listerine has to be your best friend unless your front tooth will turn brown. You know what I'm saying? You don't need that in your fucking life.

That's how you know somebody's an ass eater. Their front tooth turns a little brown and shit from the fucking shit juice. Now, when you eat the ass, it don't even stink like shit. I told you. It's got a real way into it. No, no, no, no. She showers before every time I come over. Listen, I can shower 20 times, put a hose up my ass and there's still going to be a little residue of that shit smell.

But you know what? When you lick a woman's asshole, shits never smelled so good. Do you know what I'm saying? It smells like, like it's like broccoli. Like you look at broccoli, it smells like that, but it tastes good for some people. I don't eat it. It's like putting a dick in your mouth that's got jizz on it, that freeze-dry and shit. I hate fucking broccoli.

I remember I went to Hollywood Bowl one time. Some guy was eating broccoli next to me. I was ready to fucking barf. Who was eating broccoli at the Hollywood Bowl? You know, these fucking Gentiles dog. They go to a concert with fucking broccoli. Who the fuck does that? You go to a broccoli.

You go to a concert to kill yourself, not to be healthy. You know what I'm saying? Fucking broccoli. He was probably drinking compocha juice and shit. You know. Oh my God. Drinking vodka light. I don't know why people do this shit.

The world is upside down. It really is. Nobody gets vaccinated, but they snort coke. You know, I don't get it. They don't want to get vaccinated, but they eat ass. What's the difference? When you eat somebody's asshole, you're vaccinated. That's it.

Oh, yeah. You don't even need to percent of your. ID, just breathing their face. Just give them a shot of fucking asshole breath. Am I good to go in? And they're like, yeah. Well, it is funny, you said that Listerine, because she has two little kids.

So, like, every time we do that, I have to go, like, brush my teeth. Because, like, they are, like, knock on the door the whole time. Like, they, like, we have to, like, sneak around. It's weird with kids around. And it sucks when you're eating ass and some little fucking cock suckers knocking on the door.

And you're like, knock on the door again, I'll kill your mother. You know what I'm saying? I dare you to knock at you, you little fuck. I'll kill your mother. When I first started comedy, I went home with a chick one night

that had a kid. Never again. You never heard me talking about that, did you? No. No, because I did it once. Mommy, mommy, what's going on in there? What do you think I'm doing? I'm fucking mom.

Relax. Your dad left. You know what I'm saying? Your dad's from Baltimore, Jack. He went out for a ride and he never came back. You know what I'm saying? He went for cigarettes and never came back, you little ugly cock suck.

Now you want to ruin my mom. my parade. Your father took a look of you and said, this kid's going to be a half a fag. I'm not sitting around here. Mommy,

mommy, what's he doing to you? I'm pulling her hair. You're fucking doing coke. Your mom don't even love you. She's doing coke. Oh my God. You know,

it's the only time he did that with her? One time I took a chick home in Boulder after a comedy show. As we walked in the door, she's like, I hope you don't mind. I have a child. Okay, well, unless he's sucking dick, he's going to throw some quarters by ass.

I don't get. What's he got to do with me? Fucking the next morning, we were snorting coke and shit. I'm all fucked up, jerking off in the ear. And he's banging on the door. I want cereal. There's no cereal. It's closed today.

I got mom tied up. You know what I'm saying? I got mom tied up in a Brooklyn basement like Biggie. Let's face it. Oh, my God. My cheeks hurt joking. And he kept banging on the door and I'm like, go away. Oh, yeah.

And she's like, I'm fucked up. I can't get your cereal. I'm like, what kind of fucking? and I'm going to have a poster at social services now. I want the poster and shit. I can't have the never again. I never even talked about eight years on a podcast. Yeah.

Never heard me talking about dating a girl with kids because I know it's a fucking night. I don't, I have, listen, if I met a girl and the kids were cool and she was cool, I would have probably ended up with them. That thing was a nightmare that night. Oh, I can't imagine. I got really lucky. Her kids are really cool. And but I got to say, I look forward to like 7.30 when the one that starts to be bed. time it's I start I start getting a little bone or something like yes it's bad time let's go to bed

let's read you but the kids are cool that's fun I can't I was thinking about that though about you doing the podcast and doing all the stuff you did with with mercy like I finally like and I only see them two weekends a month like I don't and they're asleep when I go over there at night like the amount of stuff you have to do from like seven in the morning it's it's coloring and tag and hide and go seek and then you have to work like it's I'm exhausted after that I don't know how you did all that for so long you know my friends don't understand here like what the fuck are you you never hang out bitch I have an eight year old you forget everybody forgets that they had an eight year old and how complicated their life and some people skim through it some people get nannies some

you know whatever that's fine that works for you I wanted to be a part of our life it's a lot of fucking work it's like marriage it's a lot of fucking work you got it's a given take you know my marriage didn't last the first time because it wasn't a given take I was running around like a fucking Indian but once you

you know see what marriage entails you know I can't I would love to hang out with my friends and more but I can't dump it on my wife you know I got to take it a little events I got to take it to kickboxing I got to help my wife out whenever I can't And I like hanging out with it.

So it's not even like a chore for me. It's not like I'm watching a kid today. I fucking hate it. No, I enjoy it. I've been hanging around fucking savages for 30 years. It's nice to be around kids that just talk to you about whatever the fuck they talk to you about, you know. I know. How old is Mercy?

Mercy is about to be nine, eight or nine. It's about to be nine. Holy moly. That's so crazy. Nine years old. That was time moves by fast, man. And it's real. You know, it was like a, she's like a year away from asking fucking creepy question.

Does she Google you yet? Has she, I mean, I know she did a little bit in L.A., but like, no, she doesn't, she hasn't, she's, you're just still dad to her. She don't give a flying fuck about me or my career. That doesn't even, and I, and I don't want her to be involved in that. Do you know what I'm saying? She doesn't give me. Yeah, of course not. No.

She, you ask her if she wants to see the many saints. Go ahead, ask her. I don't want to see it. I don't want to see it. You know? No. I'm excited to why I'm going to Florida tomorrow to visit my dad. We have it all planned.

We're going to take some edibles and watch it when as soon as I get there. He has an 80 inch TV. I'm excited. Holy shit. Oh yeah. My dad's fully, my dad's the king of retired people. He has an 80 inch TV.

His beanbag chairs at the house. Lava lamps. He's doing anything he wants to do down there. It's really crazy. Lee, it's as much as I, I don't want to talk about it. I have to talk about it. I'm looking at that right now.

You know, I'm about to turn 59 years old unless Costco hires me. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. I know you're looking for a little gig, right? You've been putting applications in. You're trying to get a little more security in your life. You know, I mean, you've done all the realm, and you see that this isn't really a secure life. Once you have a girlfriend and you're looking at marriage and you're looking at things, this is a weird life because they can't really handle it.

They'll tell you they can't handle it, but they can't handle it. Six years down the line, she's going to break up with you. Well, why do you expect this to have a relationship? You're always gone. Right. No, I mean, for you, man, you've been working so hard for so long. And it's like, what are you going to do it for five or ten more years? and you never know how much time you're going to have left how much good like you're still

healthy you can still do everything why not enjoy it i mean what's the point of killing yourself if you can't spend any of the money you made or go on vacations or like i'm steve simone and i were talking about this the other day it's like yeah i'd like to be rich but if i could make if i could make enough money to where i don't have to worry about it but i still get to go on a vacation or or you out on a weekend. It's like what else? Like I even I honestly had this talk with my mom the other day. Like I moved out of my mom's place immediately. I was in a car a week after I graduated college to go to L.A. And I was really nervous about going back. But if I get a if I when I get a job, I even told her like, listen, I might just stay here and like to see if I move in with this with my girlfriend in a

year or a year and a half. I like being here. Why am I going to waste money? I like getting to have dinner with my mom every night. It's like, leaving LA showed me like, like even when I was, before I met you working in TV, the shift that I worked was either 10 to 7, which we had to leave at 8 in the morning, get back at 8 at night, or I'd work from 7 p.m. to 5 a.m. How do people have lives, much less families doing that? It's, I know there's a lot of people happy doing it. And I, like, I probably could be happy doing it in some way, but. I think there's a lot more to life than just working. Well, for me, you know, I'm a fucking spick.

I love to work, you know. I like to work too, yeah. You know, I love working. I love being busy. I love my mind being, you know, thinking about positive shit, you know, what I could do to be better. I always enjoyed that. As far as comedy is concerned, I wanted to give it a breather just to see what I really love, what I really am about.

It was 30 years, and it wasn't 30 years that was part-time. I lost it my ass. You know, I think before I met you, I think of 97, 98, 99, 2003. Those years for me were non-stop. I didn't turn down anything. It was a $10 job, $100 job, a $300 job. You know, I remember coming off the plane. and shooting.

You know, I remember like now, I get off a plane and I, like, would call you and tell you I'm done for the day. When I first got to L.A., I would get off a plane to go do shit, to go shoot a TV show, to go fucking do three more spots. It's crazy. So I used to take Sunday nights off when I met you, to do comedy, or we'd do the podcast, or whatever. I never took a fucking night off.

From 91 to 2005, I didn't. take a night off. I know that for a fact. But until I got the longest yard, I gave myself. I forced myself to take time off. But until the longest yard, I never took time off. That was 13 years without a night off. Do you think that would have changed if you had a kid? If I were to have had a kid, I would have had to learn to work around it.

But if I would have had a kid in 95, we wouldn't be married anymore. either. Wow. Because I love comedy. I love comedy so much until 2007 that I gave up everything around me. Like I gave up health. I didn't give a fuck about staying out until 4 in the morning and sleep until 7. I didn't give a fuck about eating after the comedy store.

I would eat two times after the comedy store. I would eat with Andrew. I would go with dice somewhere and then I would go with red band somewhere. You know, I didn't care about my health. I didn't care how fat I got. The fucking goal was to be funny, to learn how to be funny and to be a working full-time comic.

That was it. Nothing, I didn't care about bench presses, I didn't care about calories, I didn't care about, you know, diabetes, I didn't care about health, I didn't care about anything. Comedy was first. Drugs was second, life was third. Wow.

You can't. That's no recipe for a family. No, not at all. It's amazing how much you've changed. That's a recipe for no family, you know, and that's what I didn't have. I never had a family. I never had a wife. I never had a kid because of those reasons.

Because comedy was one, and cocaine and drugs were a tight fucking second, you know, and dating chicks with no kids was a tight fucking third. You know what I'm saying? I don't want no kid knocking on the door when I'm trying to eat some ass and shit. I'm eating my own Cocoa Krisp. I don't play. It was never on. That's something I learned from you.

It's like you never know what's like that's like you never plan. You plan but you don't have like daily. You don't like to go past a day. I never planned on dating somebody with a kid. I never planned on living back in Boston. But you got to say, man, I'm happy with the way things turned out so far. You know, we never plan anything.

And we don't. I was talking to my wife when Mike came in today, my wife and I was sitting there talking. And last night our game got canceled. So we went to the football. practice. Our kids, you know, my daughter has friends at their kids playing on the football team, or my daughter's friends play on the football team, you know, the nine-year-olds. So we take the chairs, we take some waters, we get some potato chips, and we go to the fucking field. I don't eat

no chips, my wife and the parents. And there was a guy I talked to, and my wife asked me today, you were talking to him last night, how's he doing, you know? He's 35, and he put a bunch of shit in front of him to do. Like, a remind. vacation, two kids, you know, fucking one kid plays flag football, the daughter plays softball, cheerleads, you know, plus he works in New York City from 11 to 7.30 in the morning. God. So a couple weeks ago, he just, you know, it's the law diminishing returns.

You could put that time in, you could do it, but eventually the fucking reservoir is going to bust. Yep. And it busted. So he's just trying to take the pieces back. So he had to take a week off of work on holiday pay. And then this week he's got vacation. So he had to take two weeks to get his life situated again

because it had gotten so far out of between the remodel, this, that. So I told my wife, I go, that seems like my life when I met Terry. When I first met my wife, I was always doing something. And it wasn't until maybe five years later And my wife said to me, What the fuck is it that you're doing? Let me see your notebook. And I would show her what I was doing,

and she would say, Why are you doing this gig for 50 bucks? Why are you doing this gig? Get rid of this. Get rid of that. Get rid of this. And it becomes the law of diminishing returns. You're doing too much,

and you're not getting anywhere. You're just fucking, what's that expression? You're just spinning your fucking wheels. That's it. You're really spinning your wheels. You're making a little bit of progress. I'm not saying that there's no progress to be made in that time. But at the same time, you're making a little bit of progress,

but you're doing so much that you're really missing the fucking point. And that's what I was doing. I wasn't doing that in L.A. before we left. L.A., you know, I was talking to Josh Wolf the other day. And we were talking about what you and Mikey were talking about before I came out of, even the Riefer. my anxiety has gone down in the daytime. It's okay for me to hit the weed twice now.

You know, like if I take two, it's off a pipe in the daytime, it's okay. I did it the other day and it's okay. But guess what? I didn't want to do it. Wow. Like I don't like smoking in the daytime no more. What happens if you were to smoke? It's okay.

I get hungry. I get hungry. But it doesn't give you anxiety? Like why you like? Not like it was. Before I had, I was rebounding. I had rebound anxiety. So when I would smoke or take an edible in the daytime,

it would just blow it to fuck up. Oh, no, okay. But now, because of time, the anxiety has gone away. So the other day, I wanted just to try it. I went to my friends and I go, let me just try it because he always cooked something good. So I took two hits off a pipe. And I got high.

But reefer now makes me think of going to sleep. Wow. I use marijuana now to go to sleep. So it's like my sleep apnea machine in bed. I don't go to bed to watch TV. I wanted my mind to know that when I go to bed, it's to do one thing, to get my dick suck or to sleep. You know what I'm saying?

I don't go to, I don't lay in bed to watch TV. I don't lay in bed to read. I don't lay in bed to think because I want my mind to know that when I go to bed, it's to sleep. And those edibles don't make. you like you used to you had a rule for me towards the end with the edibles like no more ideas because those edibles you give they'll give me idea i if i take enough edibles i won't go to sleep oh you're johnny bad ideas you start calling me with businesses and fucking

corporations and i can't help it every time i get edel i just i start thinking of things i can't sleep on it and you can sleep you just go right to bed the podcast the squirrel house clubhouse but yet i still stand by that i still stand by almost all my ideas whatever the fuck it is. The podcast is Clubhouse. That was a bad idea. But why throw soft on the wounds? You know what I'm saying?

I've had some bad ideas myself. But, yeah, my head has some bad. I've done some bad fucking things when I get high. Oh, God. I get high at night. I do some stupid things. Like I order fucking band-aids or something like that in the mail. You know, I'll do stupid things.

I got a rule here. Once I smoke or take another ball, I'm not allowed to open up a computer. Oh, yeah? You go on Amazon? I had to make a rule, man, because I started buying plane tickets the next day I wake up

and the tickets to fucking Tunisia. You know, it's leaving in December. I got the dates wrong. I got the fucking, I'm done. I'm done. So, like, a couple weeks ago I went online. I did something stupid. I bought something stupid.

No, I bought something I needed. It was for the guitar. I needed a stand. And then they got lost. And then the fucking Amazon didn't have it so then I ordered the wrong fucking stand, so it came, so I had to send it. So I'm like, I'm not going to order nothing that night no more.

I'm going to let my wife order it. From now on there's a rule. Don't get on a computer. Don't do dick. That's funny. I go from the chair. And then at night I got a ritual now too. I turn the TV off and I sit for 15 minutes.

Do you meditate? What do you do? It's like a light meditation just to get the bullshit out of my brain before I go to bed. Because sometimes you hit the bed. And you think about your day. And then you get agitated all over again. So I'm like, I got to, I made so many little fucking adjustments just to help my sleep.

People keep saying to me, you look so much better. You look thin, whatever. I'm not doing dick. I'm drinking water and I'm sleeping eight hours. That's it. And I think back of L.A., like I look at my sleep logs from L.A. Lee, they were horrible. You have sleep logs?

Yeah. You write it down or your sleep-atting machine does it? My sleep-atting machine does it. And I get to look at it. And I looked at it. him the other day. Wow. How much were you sleeping? A month ago. It wasn't too goodly

at the end of the fucking week. Yeah. No, I mean, you'd get home anytime we did come or you'd probably get home at like 11, 12, go to sleep at 1 and be up at 6. I was fucking sleeping like 40 hours and 7 nights. Wow. Yeah, that's not good. It makes a huge difference. That's not good. 38 hours

or something like that. It just was not good. You know, so now. Now, I actually got it up to fucking, like, 55 hours a week, 57 hours a week. And you can tell a big difference? Yes. I don't need coffee. Coffee has become obsolete in my life. Expressos, not even one.

I live on one cup of American coffee a day. How crazy is that? I love coffee. I'm like any other fucking American. I could drink coffee all fucking day. you let me. You were taking double espresso shots before you went to the comedy store. Double espresso shots with a fucking cigarette. Oh my God. I love it. I don't even smoke. And I dream with that shit. A nice double espresso with a joint. Maybe two or three bong hits in a cigarette.

Ooh. Jesus. You get in the car after that. You're cutting motherfuckers off. Tell them to suck your dick. That's my lane. That's my exit. Cocksucker. Driving with you is like at no one else. I love. I love driving with you. It's so fucking. You got to bring a jacket and you got to bring a water in case you're going to have edibles, but it's fucking,

you're going to have a blast. Oh, yeah. And I still fucking have a blast by myself when I drive. The other day, pulled over because some guy was just decided to, I swear to God, he just decided to get on the side of a two-lane road. Okay.

That's small enough as it is. Like, if you see these two lanes, you're like, I'm going to die. But this fucking clown decided he needed to make a fucking phone call. And he gets on the, you know, he pulls over to the side, but he's not really on the side. Oh, yeah. He's three quarters over the fucking line. So there's a line to fucking Chicago to try to get around him.

So I'm waiting like 15 minutes, and finally I got to get around them. I'm coming back from kickboxing with Mercy. And I stop at the guy, and he's talking on the phone like, well, you know, whatever. Like Johnny fucking realtor. And I go, you cock, sucker. And his expression, he just cracked. He just stayed there. And the guy he was on the phone with, Muster.

heard him because he just fucking stop. I'm like, you cock sucker, you motherless fuck. And as I didn't say motherless fuck, I did, but under my breath, I just hit him with the big cock suck. I hit him with the big casino. And about five feet late, I realized Mercy's in the back seat. I was going, no, fuck.

I go, Mercy, I'm sorry about that. And she goes, what? I go, I cursed. And she goes, you did? I don't even know what that means. I go, that's good. You don't need to know what cock sucker means. Cocksucker.

You told on yourself. Oh, she's going to hear it. Oh, my God. I don't know if we told it the last time or not. Do we tell on the last episode how you yelled at the two cops messing with the homeless guy that one morning at 8th the morning? I think we were high in the morning going to the podcast. I forget where we were going, but these two cops were messing with a doctor or something. Oh, was that it?

Okay. You were driving to like a surgery or something. some of shit, and we were stone to the gills. And we're on Coenga. We're on Coenga and Burbank. It's this fucking dead street. Dick Van Dyke wouldn't even live on that fucking street. It's debt.

And we were driving on the street. It's Monday morning. It's 8 o'clock. And these fucking cops are twisted. They got their car twisted. Really? On a Monday morning, there's not enough traffic. Even Martians, even Mexicans in Mexico,

we'll tell you, don't drive in California in the morning. Fuck no one. They know it's fucking heavy-duty traffic. This motherfucker had his car twisted. Now, I love police. I don't like yelling at the cops, but you can't be that fucking stupid. You're not helping the public.

Right now, you're harming the public. You're going to cause a fucking accident. You've got people backed up. You're making them late for work. You're not helping the general fucking public. This is what I get pissed off about. I don't mind them beating up a black guy or a Cuban guy or a Chinese guy. That comes to the territory, you know what I'm saying?

A white dude Fucking hit him in the head With a fucking car Run him over But you You fucking You fucking You fucking twisting up a traffic

And you knew You saw that lane that morning You saw how much cars They were doing So I pulled up to the motherfucker And I'm like You cock suck and both of these cops They're looking around

They don't know where the fuck It's coming from I'm like you cock suckers Get it together And I kept yelling I kept yelling Something Yeah

Move it. Move it. No, because I think I was driving and you yelled out across the car and then what about the homeless guy who came and attacked you, you hit him with a car at the 7-Eleven? That was the worst 7-Eleven. Oh, yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, this was, I almost, I saw a girl get pimped out against her fucking will one night and there, quarter to five in the morning. I saw some kinky shit in this 7-Eleven. It was not a good, 7-11 and one day I go there with my wife I think we were looking at the office I think we were already at the office or something

I think we're already at the office and I go to 7-11 and I my wife is in the car and I get in the car and this motherfucker is saying shit to my wife like you know giving her the finger and fucking doing all that shit with his tongue and shit

and I get in the car and I'm like what the fuck is this guy's problem she go I have no idea I go oh get away from the car he goes fuck you I go all right I just fucking put the car in drive and just rammed him and I hit his fucking knees and he went back and I pulled the back and I'm trying to fucking get out and he runs up to the car and he fucking punches the car the window shatters in his hand he broke his hand I can hear the whole hand go and he's like ah and I'm like that's what you get cocks sucker and I just pulled off I think I ran

over his foot too he was like Steve Bouchemy and the sopranos I fucked them up he was limping with a broken end. Oh, my God. I can't, that was like, there's never ending of the stories with you driving. I love it. I love it.

Going to that, go into that, I just, the Ice House sent me a message on Instagram to let me know they're opening back up. In February.

Yeah. And I, like, those are probably my favorite. Going to the Ice House with you, because for a while, we did it like every month

on a Wednesday for the live podcast. Wednesdays and one Saturday a month. It was Eve. Yeah. Oh my God. It was the, and then the testicle testaments. Like that, I got a,

I'm really happy that they're opening back up because that, that ice house was probably one of the comedy store is a special place. And I love being able to go to the comedy store. But it was almost, I felt like at home at the ice house. They were always so nice from, from the security guys to the managers, the wage staff,

the sound guys. Like, it was, it was just so much. I felt like at home there. It was so much fun. Lee, yeah,

I mean, listen. LA was LA. I was there after 23 years. I had a good time. If I was to tell you there was things I wouldn't miss about LA, I would be lying to you. There's a lot of shitheads,

and there's a lot of fucking egotistical, dumb motherfuckers. And there's a lot of pedophiles. And there's a lot of fucking sexual deviants and all that shit. But I got to be honest with you, man. It's like the people that were good were really fucking good, you know. The Ice House was sensational. Patty. I don't know if you know that one manager up there died.

No. Blonde girl passed away during COVID. Oh, no. I gave money to her fund from Patreon. Yeah, she died. That girl was a sweetheart. Remember what I'm talking about? I think so.

A little like chubby blonde, kind of a flat ass, but really cute. Always brought us water. Always made cookies and shit. She passed away during the pandemic. I tell you how guilty I felt. I even called the fiancé. I gave the GoFund money, and I think I even threw him a couple yards

because she was sensational. You know, there was some sensational people at the comedy store. There were some great people at the fucking improv. Except for Jamie Mossada, I don't know anybody else at the fucking laugh factory. You know, the two bartenders, the Asian dudes from Thailand. Right.

Those guys were there since I fucking walked on that into that comedy club in 1997. You know, they were fucking good people. There were some great, great, great people who I definitely still miss in L.A., you know, DiAgostino. You know, I miss Steve Simone. I miss who I spoke to the other night, the Fucknut, you know, with the Beast. What's that, the podcast? to sickler. Oh, okay.

Ryan Sickler. Rudy. There was some exceptional fucking people, Josh Potter. I know you miss little Josh. I see him on Instagram doing his thing. He's doing great now. Yeah, he's like, I feel like fucking

the dude from Goodfellas when I see Josh Potter. Look at Josh Potter doing up the town. You know what I'm saying? He's out there. He's on the road. He's opening for somebody on the road. These all guys that I knew when they were fucking kids. Like, I knew you when you were kids.

So I'm... I know. I miss Felipe. I miss George Perez. I miss Rodrigo. Johnny Rock. Look at Darren Carter. He's at the Comedy Store a lot now.

Darren Carter. Look, he sat tight. They wouldn't give him love. Now it opened up. Now he's at the store four nights a week. Yeah. You don't know what's going to happen in this career. And that's why you hang on with comedy.

Because, yeah, you had a bad day today, but tomorrow you can hit the lottery. The reason why you got into comedy was to hit the fucking lottery. So you don't know. You just have to stick it out. You have to be there when nobody else shows up. I don't care how I... You know, listen, I could be really ashamed right now.

You know, I could tell you that my acting career didn't start to the Sopranos came on TV. I made a career out of doubling down on big pussies back. I could say all those things, and somebody could say that to me. But I know better than that. Yeah. I know that, yes, I doubled down on Big Pussy's career,

but you still got to act to book those roles. You still got to be able to be funny to book those roles. You still have to audition well to book those roles. Just because you look like somebody doesn't mean you have a guaranteed role. You still have to do the work. I would still sit with these auditions and, you know, go over them for three fucking hours. were to find tooth comb just to get these roles.

Right. And do they expect you to turn it down? Like, oh, I'm going to get rolls just by myself with nothing. No, like, no, they're looking for that kind of person. You fit the description. You did the work. That's, I'm glad you don't think that way. That would be, I mean, that's, that's getting in your own way.

But it's an honest way to look at it. I've looked at it other ways like that. And yes. But I, you know, because I'm honest with myself. I have to fucking honestly look at the mirror. and go, how did I get to this place? Well, the Sopranos piggybacked me through big pussy, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But then I just took over. You know, I got the longest yard because I didn't look like big pussy. They weren't looking for big pussy for Spider-Man too. Right. But what I'm saying is that, like, Mad TV launched my career, you know, analyzed that, launched my career. I was supposed to look like pussy, and that all helped, and I took it, you know.

Listen, there's no small jobs. There's just small actors. You know, that's a great way of, looking at it, you know. And I put the work in. I could look at the mirror and go, you know what? I put the fucking work in. You know, me and Mike and I were talking about music.

How when you start in a band, you got to do cover songs. And then you try to fit in your fucking original music in between that, but people don't want to hear that because you're not Jimmy Page. Now, you're Jimmy Page and you show up to it. You know, but that's right. wrong also because I still remember 93, 94, Eric Clapton

to the tour and the motherfucker did blues and people were running out of the arena throwing their tickets up in the air. They were mad because he didn't do Layla or he didn't do fucking, you know, I shot the sheriff. So when you go for change sometimes

when you go for change sometimes people don't like it but you got to stick to your fucking guns and then they'll like it. No, one of the things, one of the smartest things that you taught me, because I talked to a lot of people about their podcasts, is you can't, you can look at trends and you can look at what people like and work to that, but you can't ask them what they want or do only what they want because they'll get bored with it. And you've got to do what you want, and hopefully the people who are supposed to find it will find it. And you'll be happy. There's no, there's no point in doing something if you're just pandering and you don't even.

like what you're doing. No, but I see now from not being in L.A. as a comic, I see other comics doing the podcast and them saying what you want to hear. I could see it now and I'm out of it. I could see that now. I could see, I just see a lot of things that, listen, I am who I am. And I'm rough and tumble. I'm going to say whatever comes to my mind.

You learned that over the fucking 10 years. Oh, yeah, you're not shy. Listen, they're going to be mad. One thing about you that I always loved was like, tell these fucking people. I love when they say, hey, make sure you put this guy on the podcast. That's the last guy I'm putting on the fucking podcast. When you guys give me a recommendation at home, like, put this guy on the podcast, that's the last motherfucker I'm putting on.

Yeah. Unless I think of it myself, I'm not putting this motherfucker on. When you guys send me weird messages, you ever get a weird message sent back to you from me, like that you can't understand. That's all done purposely. That's all done purposely. Like you'll call me and say, are you going to be in Phoenix Thursday through Sunday?

Can I do a guest spot? I'll say there was a fire at my house and my cat got killed. I'll call you next week. You know, and you're like, what the fuck? I just asked him about a spot. He told me about his dead cat.

That's what I've been doing for years. I will not put a guest on the show because you want me to put a guest on the show. I will not talk about something because you want me to talk about. Like every Monday morning after a fight, people go, can you please talk about this situation? You know, if I find it fit to talk about it, I'll talk about it.

But if I know Rogan's going to do it better, why would I even try? Exactly. Rogan's got that fight down to a science. If you think I'm going to come on here and try to go hand-to-hand with Rogan on his knowledge of fighting and boxing and shit, I'm not going to do it.

I might give you my take on it just, you know, from what I'm thinking, We should discuss it like I did with Connor McGregor and with John Jones last week, which I got to pull my John Jones podcast back because Jesus Christ, I didn't know what he had done. Yeah. I had no fucking idea what he had done. I just thought that John, I love John.

I fucking love John Jones. I love when he talks to me. I like being around him. He's a fun guy. He's filled with energy. But I think this guy, this time he hit it on the head when he said he has to stop drinking. because of the trauma, his brain got. I think that's real.

Remember when we had Big John McCarthy on the podcast? Right. Oh, yeah, of course. And he told us that he thinks that O.J. killed his wife, but he didn't fucking remember. Like, he couldn't even because of the CTE. Like, you know, CTE's a motherfucker. And when you throw cocaine and alcohol on CTE,

that's like giving an Indian gin. You know, you're just looking for fucking problems there. So I got to recant my little John Jones podcast from Langell. last week because I love John, but I think what he did last week was a little out of bounds for John. I think that... Yeah.

They released the 911 one tape and I couldn't listen to it. Was it bad? I couldn't. I just, I didn't, I don't want that stuff. I don't want to listen to it. I don't want to listen to it. I feel bad for John. And I wish that he gets it together.

Because once it comes into your house, that's when it's bad. That's when the next one's going to be bad. Once it comes into your house, when you're doing shit that's out in the street, it's one fucking thing. but once it comes into your house, your three kids witnessed it,

your two kids, whatever, then it gets real. So I wish them all the luck in the world from Uncle Joey's joint in the fucking church, you know what I'm saying? Tocke, second. What kind of job you're looking for?

You know what? I have a couple of things. I'm talking with some people who can use my podcasting knowledge. I really, I would love to figure out a way to, help podcasters interact with sponsors better.

The thing that I was always frustrating at the beginning of podcasting was everyone had the same Hulu Plus Blue Apron and those are their great companies and it's great that they believe in the medium. But it's really, I feel like it's, it still has a long way to go because like to get, and I know that they tip in their tone a little bit. but to get Coca-Cola in there, to get to really, like one of the coolest things that I got to do. It was very small. I just did the introduction.

You closed the deal. But Tushy was just, I was like, you kept talking about bidet's. And I was like, let me look for bidet's. And I found them and I wrote them an email and then you guys figured everything out and they're a great company to work with. But I think what podcasting offers that people don't really understand is it's not just an ad. People fast forward through hopefully or are missing any. more is if the when the host or the podcast has a real connection it's like why why ari doesn't have expedia as a sponsor like stuff like that like stuff that really connects i think is is missing

so i'm hoping to find something that's where my thought is right now you know what's crazy lee you more than everybody anybody know that i have a process for sponsors i don't really want to put something out there that i don't believe it Absolutely. And then we step it up a little more. I don't want to put something out there that I don't use. Mm-hmm. You know, we have the Bond Company today.

We have Draft Kings today. And we have On It today. Yep. I use all three of them. And I'm very happy with all three of them. Fucking draft kings. You know, you could create a profile on draft kings. And do what with it?

follow you and follow your picks and you could create a community on draft kings that i see i'm so jealous they i can't i can use draft kings for like the daily fantasy but i can't in massachusetts you can't do the sports betting there's no sports betting yet only in states like jersey where it's legal right so so that's it's uh i would love to do that i'm always i'm jealous we're watching your reads and get it getting to do that but that's awesome that you get to find me i love my products I really love my products. When I was with the surgery, and I still do.

I use that CBD line tape when I go to the gym. If half those products, you always see those products are diminishing. There's a reason. There's a reason because I'm fucking using them. I mean, and that was something that you taught me because people would reach out

and have like competing sponsors and you'd be like, I'm not going to do it. How am I going to go one week and go with company X that there's a, same thing and two weeks later I'm you doing company why I lose credibility it's uh it's I I really do think like we we got in not even at the beginning but to over 10 years ago I think there's so much that podcast can all it's funny that one of the after all the fun Lisa in outer space everything that we did on the church the comment that I get the most

almost the most is my argument with Joe about audio is the future me high as fuck not really being able to make sense. But five, six years later, he's with Spotify. And I really do honestly believe in this medium. I think it brings something that is missing right now. I love it, but it's about to change again. It's always changing again.

Like I think it's going to change again. And that's what I like about it the most, that I think it's going to, we're looking at something that's about to change again. Something's going to pop up with this pretty soon, like its own channel. a better way to do it. Like, I'm loving these zooms.

I'm loving these zooms. This would have saved us if they could make the Zoom a little better. Maybe if they could able to smell our farts. Like, if I could fart in a fucking canister and you could smell it at home, it would add to it or if they could smell the reefer or something, you know, but the podcast realm is going to change. You know, it's a shame that I'm getting older,

you know, my thoughts are a little old I had a lot of young guys like I had that really good age group 21 to 32 whatever you know but now I'm not smoking pot on here you know I'm doing so many things I wanted to change you know I didn't want to come back with the same old

fucking song and dance even though it is the same old fucking song and dance it's just you know you just try to be honest with people it's the same fucking song and dance we just try to make a little bit more you know fresh pressure is what I'm trying to, but I feel that this is about to change any fucking day now.

Yeah, it's been, I mean, when we started, it was all people talking, having fun. Now companies are doing like full-on productions. They have actors. They have, they have seasons. ESPN has them. Companies are starting to have them. And it's, it's always, it's always changing. And that's what's so fun about it.

And that's like with you, I like, yeah, I mean, There are some aspects of the joint that are similar to the church. But even though you are a very, you know, you're not set in your ways, but you have the ways you are. You have your beliefs and you stick to them. But something that you do do is you evolve. You change when you're done with something, you're done with it. And it's, it would be, I think it would be disingenuous if like you jumped on there smoking joints on the podcast. And then as soon as the podcast ended, you never smoked.

Like, when you were smoking on the church, that was just you smoking all day. It was just, you changed. It was who I was. So I don't want to misinterpret who I am to these people at home now because we change. We evolve as human beings. Listen, I didn't want, I could have came back here and gone up to New York or Hutchin County and got a state of the yard studio and then all this shit. And Lee, I thought about it.

And I got to be honest with you, I'm not sold on all that high-level shit. I still like this to feel like pirate radio. I still want this to feel like I'm doing something wrong. Like the cops could knock on my door at any time and go, hey, what are you doing? You're not supposed to be doing this. Like, this is what I wanted it to do. I could have got a fancy studio with lights and six guys bringing your coffee.

And, you know, that's not what a podcast is supposed to be. That's radio. Yep. A podcast is supposed to be something that if the sound is a little muffled, we're not worried about it. Right. If there's a sound of an ambulance, we're not worried about it because it's not Memorex. It's fucking live. Right.

Before people, is it live? No, it's Memorex. Now you and Memerx could suck my dick. It's live. I don't know. I don't know if you've ever seen it. One of my favorites, it's a meme, I guess. It's a picture of.

people like it's like this is a podcast and it's one guy sitting next to a billboard but like the people on the billboard all look all look like they're talking and it's one guy just sitting next to it like he's part of the conversation what i loved about about our podcast and your podcast is it's almost like me like i'm an introverted guy i don't talk much it's like we're having a conversation and and you're doing most of the talking it's it's not it's not pre-scripted it's not you are doing stuff just to make a laugh. It's honestly, it's like almost like a journal. It's like your audio journal is the way I look at your podcast.

And you have points and you have thoughts. I mean, you're, you're one of the most prepared people I ever met. You have a notebook. I'm sure you have a notebook right in front of you. No, no, no, no, no, no book, okay. But I mean, it's, that's a way I view that. Like, some people are different.

And I love other podcasts that are, are, have themes or whatever, but I view yours as an audio journal. That's what I think you do really well. It was supposed to be from day one. Yep. That's what it's supposed to be from day fucking one. You know, it's not supposed to be fancy lights and drum rolls and shit like that. It's just supposed to be two, three, six morons talking.

You know, there wasn't supposed to. I could watch John Oliver if I want graphics. Do you know what I'm saying? I mean, that's what I think that I even do an injustice to you two, to podcast with YouTubeing. Like I was telling Mike, I'm thinking a taping podcast like Bill Burr and just putting a picture up on YouTube.

They don't have to see anything. You know, no more. They don't have to see it. This was created for you to listen, for you to start listening again. This is what I wanted. This is why I loved putting out CDs and albums. Oh, yeah.

I fucking hate specials. I fucking hated them. That's why I was bad at him. I didn't enjoy them. A CD is how I was introduced to comedy. Not a CD per se, but an album that skipped. That bounced a little bit. Your uncle left it out in the sun one day.

He went to get milk and he left the album in the car. And the son bent it a little bit. So now when I hear it, it's actually doing like a boom-boom. But like, I like that. And that's what I wanted for the podcast world. Even the people at home to be going, I don't want my mom to hear it. Like that type of shit.

That's what I always saw the podcast as. So who the fuck knows? This is what you see it as and this is what we wanted to grow as. And I'm happy you took the time today to come on and talk some shit with me. I was sick and tired of being doing these serious fucking podcast. It's time for a goofy podcast. You know what I'm saying? Shoving whipped cream of people's assholes.

Oh, no, I love it. It's always great to talk to you, man. There's no one who can make me laugh and smile. Even when you said that, like my cheeks still hurt. It's just like there's you say, you're taking a break from comedy, but in reality, you're just taking a break from going on stage.

Yeah, I'm taking a break from going on stage. There's no one who talks like you think it's, it's, and that's why the podcast is great, because I mean, you say you're getting old. I don't think you're that old yet,

but I mean, the shit that you can say on podcast, you can, you're in your house. What's better than that? Who wants to drive an hour to sit in traffic? Have people cough on you? Someone's pulled over to the side.

You come downstairs, you do your 45 minutes an hour, and you get to go up and color, whatever you're going to do. That's it. That's it. I haven't colored in a while, Cocksucker. No, she's done coloring? She's still colors. There's no pandemic, so she don't want me in the room coloring with her no more.

You know what I'm saying? Oh, okay. That was when she was supposed to be in school, we would color. She was coloring the other day she asked me. I just found some of the pictures I used to color. I got a whole folder. I must have colored a thousand pictures during that fucking panace. pandemic weather, but ever since we moved here, she colors in her room.

She colors at school. She don't color here with me no more. She's getting big. That's crazy. I go to her room once in a while, but I don't sit in there. I go in a room to talk door and shit. I tell her to clean her room, but I don't sit in there. It's not as big as the room in L.A.

I don't even think she has a chair in this room. No, I just sit on the bed. That's awesome. I'm happy you're doing well. You look great. Thank you. I'm trying. I'm happy that everything is working out for you

I'm happy that you're loving that asshole I told you it was like a Hershey kiss it's the best smelling shit you'll ever smell you know what I'm saying shit smells bad but sometimes that asshole just smells good I haven't done I haven't gone into it yet I just stay on the outside of it

You haven't put your tongue into the shaft No That's the true vaccine right there How do you get it in? How do you push it through that? You just keep pushing your tongue in and then if not you loosen it with a finger just the tip it's like the thimble

just the thimble of the finger and you open it up it's like a shoe what do you call it a shoe horn you know what I'm saying just enough to get the fucking tongue in your asshole and then you go in and then you machine gun it

it's like you have to go in and out though not like the clit is up and down like a snake like a rattlesnake right like a machine gun in the assholes like this. And then you see what happens? The tongue is folded. So when it goes into the asshole,

it opens up. It's a fucking surprise. It's like a fucking fortune cookie of love. You know what I'm saying? Just in their asshole. I'm not to start doing tongue. You can't lick the asshole and lick the pussy because the clittle gets sick.

Really? It'll cough and shit. Yeah. It's pussy asshole. You can't go asshole to pussy. What do you have to do? Listerine in between? Because I've done that.

I didn't know that was the thing. Yeah. You might. get a pussy sick she might get the clip might cough and shit you'll hear it when you before you bite into it real hard you know what I'm saying like a piece of calamari

you bite into that fucking clit and you're sniffing at the same time I laughed thinking about you the other day because she was like oh I want to take a shower and I just thought about you always saying like I like a little bit of onion and I was like a ton of showers a lot get that fucking get that little

hairy monkey out here with that Greek satsiki sauce on the monkey and let's get that party started, Jack. That satsiki sauce, when it's got that little oniony small to the pussy. And if it don't have it at the beginning, just keep two-finger louis in. And eventually you hit eureka,

and that fucking wang will come out of there. You'll smell their kidney, their liver, their intestines. That's when you know you hit fucking rock bottom, Jack. You know what I'm saying? I love that. Oh, my God. I'm from Baltimore, Jack. I went out for a ride and I never came back, you know what I'm saying?

Your dad's not coming back. Leave me alone. Your dad's not coming back. Leave me alone, you little ugly fuck. I told you this. Go practice baseball. No one day he left. Go practice your swings.

No one day left. Cocksucker. Oh, my God. You didn't eat your fucking nuggets. Now you want to knock on the door, Mommy, give me breakfast. Go fuck yourself, you little cock sucker. Oh.

Go watch Discovery Channel. Make believe you're eating a sandwich. Fucking women with kids with a fucking painy ass. Oh, my God. Hysteric. Oh, my cheeks hurt. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I love you, Cocksucker. I love you, too, buddy. Thank you for having me. Stay black. Anytime, my friend.

Stay black. Always a pleasure to see you. Give my best to mom and dad. I will. Tell dad I said how long. Give him an extra edible to fuck him up out of respect. Oh, yeah. We're going to have fun this weekend.

All right. Stay black, buddy. Thank you for coming on. Uncle Joey's joint. Of course, buddy. Thank you. Bye. Bye. What's happened, Twinkle Toes?

I hope you enjoyed the fucking episode. You know, it's always great to see it. Like I said, we're still fucking tight and fucking shoe leather. We still chit-chat from time to times I miss them. We didn't have them on last month because of a different agenda, but I promise that I'd have them on today. No two episodes. All we need is just one to fucking get the party started.

So I hope you enjoyed it. I also want to congratulate. Michael, myself, and you guys, it's a one-year anniversary since we started the joint. So thank you for watching today. Thank you for being part of it. I know we had some rocky fucking moments here, but we're back up running. You know, we're still not 100%, but we will be in the next couple weeks. Don't forget about laughing gas.

It's available and ready to fucking go. And stronger than ever, I should be getting my next batch next week. And beside that, that's it, you bet. motherfuckers. You know Uncle Joey loves you. I hope you enjoyed the podcast. Have a great weekend. I want to thank Draft Kings. I want to thank fucking freeze pipe.

I want to thank Meundis. I want to thank CBD Lion. I want to thank On it for always having our back. And I want to thank you guys because you're the best in the business. Stay black. Have a great weekend. And now for a word from my motherfucking sponsors, Jack.

All right, cock suckers. I love you guys with all my heart. I want to thank Lee. I want to thank Draft Kings. Freeze Pipe on it. I want to thank Michael. It's our one year anniversary. Most importantly, I want to thank you guys for always having our back. The joiners

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But when it comes to supplements, Uncle J. always got your back cock suckers go to on it start with black start with the alpha brain start with the black label listen they got 100% money back guarantee if you don't like alpha brain you can keep the product and they'll send you the money back who else believes in their product like that nobody cocksucker so go to honor dot com right now press and on it on check out and save yourself 10% delivered right to your house i want to thank on it i want to thank freeze pipe And I want to thank Draft Kings. And I want to thank you, motherfuckers, for making this the best week that you can.

I love you, cocksuckers. I'll see you next week. Tip-top Magoo on Monday morning. Stay black. Uncle Joey loves you.