The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #105 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: October 11, 2021

Welcome to The JOINT..... It's Monday, October 11th..... This episode is brought to you by Liquid IV, Better Help & Manscaped….. Go to https://www.BetterHelp.com/DIAZ Use PROMO CODE: DIAZ for 10% OFF your 1st Month! Go to https://www.Liquid-iv.com & Use JOEY at checkout for 25% OFF! Go to https://www.Manscaped.com/JOEY - PROMO CODE: JOEY 20% Off & FREE WORLDWIDE SHIPPING! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

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No more fucking disgusting pubic ass with Manscape. All right. Let's get this party started on the Monday motherfucking morning What's happening You bad motherfuckers It's Monday the 11th of October

Holy shit It's fucking flying The leaves are changing fucking colors I'm fucking excited They're falling all over the place It's been great It was a great fucking weekend

I did not watch The Wilder fight I don't know nothing about boxing Everybody was calling me Who's gonna win I got no idea about boxing I pressed in the link the draft kings, it was a good weekend for draft

Kings, you had pro baseball playoffs, you had fucking college football, you had UFC, McKenzie Dernloss with that beautiful fucking muffler. You had fucking, you know, Deonté Wilde, whatever's fucking name is, you had a full fucking

flan weekend if you're a sports fucking fanatic. I didn't watch Dick, I didn't watch the UFC, I didn't watch shit, I watched kids fucking games. I went to Jimmy Florentine's basketball game, and Then I did something I didn't think I was going to do. And I fucking...

This week I watched two movies that were fucking tremendous. Like, I watched three movies that were fucking tremendous. I watched a new movie with John Burntall called Small Engine Repair, which was fucking tremendous movie. My Type of Movie, Smallcast, Old School Buddy Movie. That's what it is, about three old friends, you know. Great fucking movie. But I watched Boogie.

nights it's been on every night this week you got to watch the boogie nights one of the greatest fucking movies of all time hands down underrated as fuck and then I watched another underrated film I know it did great in the box office and shit the wolf of fucking

wall street holy fuck I watched you know I hadn't seen this since it came out and then I had Jordan whatever on the fucking you know on the podcast and we discussed it man I watched that movie the other I tell you what, I had to turn it to fuck off because I was getting flashbacks in 19, fucking

70s and 80s. I swear to God, those Kualudes guys were no joke. I'm so fucking happy that they're gone. I'm not going to listen, guys, I'm not going to lie to you. I'll never eat another Xanax. I'll never eat another pain pill. I'll never eat another fucking hit of acid. I'll keep smoking my dope and I'll keep doing my little edibles at night.

I don't ever want to do cocaine. I don't ever want to drink. But if you got a quailout, I'm coming over. I swear to God, I'm being honest as I can with you motherfuckers. If you got a quailude, I'm coming over. While I was sitting there, I was thinking about all the fucking mishaps with quailudes. Like, quailudes would not make it in a COVID-old fucking world right now. Because let me tell you something.

Right now, look, ever since the pandemic started, we've had some bad luck. My friend broke his ankle jumping rope He's a boxer You know How the fuck do you break your ankle jumping fucking rope But you know It's just been some weird accents Burt

Tom There's been some weird fucking shit Let me tell you something When Kuelu joined my life I always had a bruise Like I always had a bruise Or a black eye When I was doing Kualus

I always had a fucking condition A bruise on my leg You just fall You fall You fall you drop glasses you fucking get into fist fights, you fall off your bicycle, you know, you just did shit that,

you know, like I told you guys, and I'm really sorry about this one day, you know, because I would sell Kualus as a hustle. Kualoos were a great hustle. Listen, you know these people? Investment opportunities, go fuck yourself. Let me tell you something. The best investment was Kualudes.

100 Kualoos for 200, and you sold them for $4, and you got $400. You made $200 bucks, in two hours. I would sell 200, 100 fucking gorilla biscuits in two fucking hours. They were missing like an owl or something, like the lemon missed an owl. Oh, my God, people went crazy over those bootleg ones.

You have no idea. And ecstasy, listen, Quaylud was replaced by ecstasy. If you know the evolution of fucking drugs. Some people are going to argue with me, but you can't fucking win. Think of how it changed. It went from quailudes right to fucking drugs. right to fucking ecstasy and Quayluse disappeared

like in 83 84 was when I stopped seeing Gorilla Biscuits by 85 they were fucking gone I don't know when those other designer drugs started popping up on the fucking thing Molly started coming up and all that shit

so there you have it there was a little gap people were like what the fuck happened to Quaylews we got to come up with something else some people started to licking frogs and shit some people eat mushrooms but the fucking Kualoo left a gap

that was so I mean when I had Jordan on the show the Wolf of Wall Street he even like the look on his face the sweetness of Kuala's yeah cocaine was one thing you know going out to clubs was another

but man when you ate a fucking Kualud everything changed I mean I've got I remember one night I was at this kid We were at a party I was young

I had to be in the eighth grade I was not eating quailudes then He had eaten the quailute He was a little older than me And we were walking And he just stopped He goes hold on I gotta do something He just stopped

And put his hand through a fucking glass Like I don't know what made me tell you guys This story But it affected people Like in different fucking ways Like he, I'll never forget, he put his hand through the fucking glad. I don't know what he was mad about. I don't know what it made him do.

You always hear about quailudes that people were fucking giving them, like Cosby was giving them to chicks and shit. I could look you motherfuckers in the eye and tell you one thing. I never gave him to somebody to dose him. If I gave him to a chick, if I was with a chick and I had a quailude, I'd ask her, do you want to eat a fucking half a biscuit? Before she ate it, I'd tell her the fucking riot act. Listen, if you eat this, it's going to be all over.

but the shot, I'm going to end up fucking eating your little monkey or something bad's going to happen and they would go, what are you going to do? You know what I'm saying? At least you knew what was. That's what the woman was in 1980. Women have changed the fucking lot in 40 fucking years because,

you know, you show up to a woman now and you want to do a roofie or something. That's against the law. What the fuck are you talking about? We're just having a good time. It's not like I'm sprinkling it and put it in your fucking soda or your cocktail.

I'm offering it to you. Do you want to do a fucking biscuit? I was honest with people. So if you want to do a biscuit, let's fucking do a biscuit. Man, I used to, on Friday nights, me and my buddy Renee, used to fucking, every Friday for about a year, my junior year in high school, every Friday night. We would meet up like at 6, 7.30,

go get a fucking bottle of poop-a vodka. That fucking P-O-P-O-V poop off. We would mix it with Gatorade. And fucking, and in the winter, being outside, we need a fucking lemon or Aurora 714 Express. And we go back to his apartment and we listen to fucking Led Zeppelin 3, the immigrant, not the immigrant song, Gallo's Pole over and over and over and over. We'd be drinking the fucking vodka with, and if we had dough, like if we had dough, we'd get the Schmereanorst, silver. That shit was good. Shmirin off silver.

And we fucking wait for his brother to come home. I remember being like 16 and we were waiting for his brother to come home. His brother would come home like a 315. We'd be at the top, the bottom half of the fucking Kualoo. And then we tell his brother, you got to give us a line of Coke. He goes, I'll give you a line of Coke on one condition that you get the fuck out of here. I got a girl coming over here. Done.

Then we do the fucking line of Coke. and that would be, me and him, we were like 16, we were fucking two jerk-offs. We'd just walk around. But when I tell you that the society had, everybody had them. Like, this was something that everybody had. You know how people have rolling papers?

Like, you got rolling papers, everybody's got fucking rolling paper. Everybody had biscuits when you went out. I remember vividly, vividly, vividly going to the B-52 concert on New Year's Eve at the Ritz or one of those fucking clubs in the city and we each had two fucking gorilla biscuits you would eat a half test the waters

have a few cocktails do a few bumps have another half and then you would dose as the night went on you know what I'm saying like you would take a couple fucking pieces or a half let me tell you something we went to that fucking B-52 concert

I ate a fucking I think the concert started like a nine or something like that or 10 I ate a fucking quaila and you didn't really know where the quailu was going to take you sometimes you ate a fucking biscuit and it would be slow and then you'd eat the other one and the full pill would hit you and you're like fuck

I made a mistake but most of the time you know like you just ate it and it was all even but there was two types of quailas there were the pharmaceutical ones and then you know you know how these fucking kids are people started making the bootleg ones. The bootleg ones weren't bad, but the problem with the bootleg ones,

like I said on Rogan years ago, if the table was bent, like for some reason, if the fucking apartment was old or the garage was old, where they were doing the quailudes and the floor was little off, when they put the pills down

and they put the fucking chemicals on them, the chemicals would run down to the lower 40. So the top 60 would be mediocre. So if you bought one of the top 60s, you would get like medium, but then if you bought one of the bottom 40s you get double high so your prayer with the fucking bootlegs was to eat a fucking the top 60 one but to also get your hands on a 41 and hopefully it would work out at some point in the night if you opened up with the 60 you wouldn't get that

high and you'd be kind of pissed off what the fuck is going on with the twelute it's not hitting me I'm not dropping glasses yet so fucking you'd have to hit the 40 like a half and make sure Because if you fucking ate the whole 40 and the whole 60, like one night I ended up at a fucking Chinese bodega. I ended up in the fucking hallway of the bodega. Like I fucking woke up with a hooded sweatshirt shirt. Guys, it had to be January 20 something, 19, fucking 80, 81. It was freezing out. I was so high.

I didn't even make it down the fucking corn. Guys, I'm lucky I didn't lose a finger or a nose or. in here that night because I slept outside basically when I woke up in the morning I was fucking crooked and shit thank God had a couple dollars in me there was a Chinese what it wasn't a Chinese

restaurant was called Dragon Grocery I knew the people that were half Cuban half Chinese every Sunday they cooked fucking Chinese food it was tremendous the daughter was hotter than fuck I would go in there and torture the Chinese guy all the time I would do this to him that means go fuck your mother in Chinese I don't know

what it means they don't like it though he would fucking chase this and shit you put two fingers on top of the other one you go and they fucking go crazy well he used to go crazy I don't know what it meant somebody told me to do it to him when they did it to him he chased me down the block with a fucking spatula you know so I always fucked with him

so I don't know what made me go into the fucking little Chinese hallway there I thought he was open or something there's no fucking way he was open and I just fell asleep in that fucking thing I swear to God when I woke up the next morning I need a 15 fucking chiropractice, but I didn't give a fuck. In fact, one of the kids I saw last night, which we'll get to two nights ago, Saturday night, he was the one I was with.

Saturday night I did something I didn't think I would do in a long time. You know, I'm from North Bergen, and since I've gotten off the fucking plane here last August, I've been to North Bergen. Like, I've been up there a couple times, I see some people and stuff like that. But it got to the point where I'm like, I'm depending too much on North Bergen, you know, for me, uh,

having friends and shit. I got to make friends down here. You know, so I said to myself, I'm going to give myself the summer off, not go up there. I didn't go up north all fucking summer. I went up north to,

uh, to do the premiere on the 22nd of September. And before that, I hadn't been up that way in a long fucking time. I hadn't been up there since probably, April or fucking May So I did

You know They invited me It was the carnival In North Bergen Um They do it every year My buddy Anthony Is in charge of the park

And my other buddy Devo And you know He does the park also So they both reached out to me And they said You know My friend's band It was playing up there

And Stephen of Villa I've had him on the podcast The Past Masters And I didn't know I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know if I really wanted to do it or not. All week long, I didn't know if my daughter was going to have games.

It was going to fucking rain on Saturday. You know, so I said, fuck it. You know what? I'll just play it by fucking here. Saturday morning I woke up. I had to take mercy to kickboxing. We did a few fucking things. I went to a kid's party.

Jimmy Florentine's son had a basketball game. I went over there. It looked like it was going to rain. It was a shitty fucking day down here. So I'm like, what the fuck am I going to do? So we were at a party and the guy opened up his pool. Believe it or not, the fucking pool was 91 degrees on Saturday. It wasn't that hot out.

It was cloudy. It looked like it was going to rain. But he threw the fucking heater on. They were over there watching Penn State Iowa and shit. So my daughter stayed over there in the pool. My wife stayed over there. They were happy. I went back from the fucking thing.

And a buddy of mine called me. I called him about two days ago. Something just made me. think about him. I know he lost his mom. About two years ago, I was tight with him and his mom and his brother and his sister. And I have not seen him since

1993. We text from time to time, we talked from time to time. He was a dear friend of mine. I mean, from the time we were 14, we were brothers, man. We breathe for one another. I mean,

me, him, Roger Holloway and Fernie Bissudo. were inseparable when we were kids from probably, I don't know, July of 81 to fucking December of 85, we were always connected at the fucking hip. Roger died last year. Fernie has lost, you know, Fernie gambled when we were younger,

and it took him for a fucking loop. He never recovered from that. So the only two guys that are left from that group is myself and Glenn, you know. And we guys, we went through a lot together. And I even had to remind them last Saturday night when we were eating what we've been through together. I mean, as friends, you know, we were both, you know, he came from a home that single mom, the whole thing, busting her ass from. Glenn has worked at UPS since high school. we both applied for that job together, December of 80 fucking one.

He got it. I didn't. He started as a loader from 11 to 2 at night. And our job was to not let him go to work, like talk him out of going to work. I remember two years in, he told me one time that one of the bosses at UPS pulled him aside and said, hey, how many grandmothers you got? because how many of these grandmothers died? You got like 18 fucking grandmothers that died. But hey man, he stuck it out and he made a career for himself at UPS,

one of the best companies in the fucking country. That's a fucking fact, you know. That's a long time. That's 40 years at UPS. He could retire and he's like, fuck it, I'm taking that fucking geek. I mean, it's just, it was great. So we were supposed to connect St. Patty's Day, but I had a lot of shit going on down here

and just our lives are different. You know, before I came to North Bergen, before I moved back to Jersey, I would always go, fuck. When I get back there, I'm going to see a lot of my friends all the time. That was one of my expectations that it was a cold reality.

You're not going to see your friends because everything is an hour drive. And everybody has a life. Everybody's got kids. Everybody's going to take their kids to college. You know, while they're taking their kids to college or whatever, I'm raising a fucking eight-year-old.

So it's very rough. Our schedules don't, you know, and it's sad. It's fucking sad that this is our life. I'm supposed to connect with my buddy's Louis and David Ruiz and all these guys from my eighth grade class, and that's been a fucking nightmare because they can't connect during the week. I can't connect on the weekends. I'm busy with my kid.

So it just didn't work out, you know. So Thursday night I was just sitting there. I'm like, am I going to go up and see, you know, My buddy Vanieri, he always wanted to be a politician. His father, and he always loved North Bergen. That's one thing I can't take from Anthony. He loves North Bergen. He knows every crook, every, every, not crook, every corner, every nook of that fucking town.

You know, when he builds something and we go out to dinner, he always pulls over and shows me, look what we're building here, look what we're doing here. He's very proud, you know, and what didn't he do for me growing up? What didn't he do for me growing up? So everybody said, you know, it's his fare up there. You know, he's the one that puts it together. You should go. It would mean a lot to him.

But I'm like, I'm going to have to go up there and take a bunch of fucking pictures. And I'll tell you, when you don't see people for a long time, it sucks. Because they come up to you and they want to play Jeopardy. You know what I'm saying? Like, you know, you don't know who I am? And I'm like, not really. I don't remember you. I've been smoking dope for 40 fucking years.

I've been gone for 40 fucking. fucking years. I've been gone for 30 years. I don't remember you, you know. But I was like, I don't know. Let's see how I feel on Saturday. When I was at Jimmy's son's game, I'm sitting there, and I'm like, you know what, man, I haven't seen this guy. Glenn, I'm always complaining that I'm not doing nothing with my life. What else am I doing it? And I can go for a fucking meal. So I called Glenn, I go, what do you think? We do Rudy's and then go to the fucking carnival. He's like, fuck yeah. I fucking, I got in my car. I got in my car. said an hour five fucking minutes.

I was just talking to my niece before, and we were talking about, you know, waves and all that shit. It tells you what time you're going to get there. I go, I get in the car, I see what time I'm going to get there, and my goal is to beat that time. That's what my goal is. I'm going to beat that fucking time. Fuck you, 10, 10.

I'm getting there in 48 minutes. Watch me. So I get in the fuck, and it says an hour five. I'm like, fuck. I'm never going to fucking make it up there. I call Glenn. I go, Glenn, it's going to be a little while. I let's meet at six up at fucking Rudy's.

Oh my God. As soon as I saw him, it's so weird. Like, I haven't seen this kid since 1993. But as soon as I saw him, it was like old magic. I mean, we just went right back. You know, I was telling my wife a long time ago, that those four kids I mentioned, the kids I grew up with, a lot of them, Mike, a lot of them.

I never had to tell them how to act. Like, I never had to tell my friends, what to say or what not to say we always knew how to fucking go you know like we always were in each other's fucking universe it was the wildest thing i've never had this with a lot of people what i had with them growing up but we grew up together so we you know if i said something i knew how to bounce it off it's like how you guys whenever i go on jr e you guys like you and rogan are so good we should be good we've been having little conversations fucking 25 years about comedy.

This is something that, because when you, it's like when people contact me, they go, hey, I want my friend to be on the podcast. Listen, if we were doing face-to-face podcast, which we might do on Wednesday. Really? Yeah. I'll let you know later. If we start doing face-to-face podcast, that's something different. But when you have a Zoom, you could actually, that's when people hit me up and they're like, hey, I want this got to be on the podcast. I don't know.

So already I'm distant with the Zoom. Now we're going to even be more fucking distant, you know? I don't even know how I was talking about. I ended up talking about it, but what I'm trying to prove, talk to you about is our friendship. Like, I hadn't seen them in 23 years. We sat down at the fucking bar,

and it was like off and running. It was like, no. It was like we hadn't seen each other in two weeks. We just started yakking and ba-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bb. You know, whatever. And then, you know, we ate and fucking great food. I had some split pea soup, a cup, and then I threw down. I went up there, and all I could think about was the pasta for Zool and the fucking seafood salad and maybe a piece of bread.

That's all I could think about. Zero calories for the fucking seafood salad, three points for the pasta for Zool, and whatever. Four for the piece of bread, I can't fucking lose. You know what I'm saying? I get up there, look at the fucking board on, I look at the special on the board, I throw down the split pea soup, and then to boot,

they had thin steak with shrimp scampy over garlic mashed potatoes. Do you want me to repeat that again to you, motherfuckers? Thin steak, like fucking medallions with nice prawns in shrimp scampy sauce dipped over garlic mashed potatoes.

Are you fucking kidding me? What are you fucking kidding me? What you're going to do? Jump up and down here and fucking... Are you fucking kidding me? Fucking threw that motherfucker down. I had some water. The guys like, do you want fucking dessert? No, I don't want no dessert.

I got to watch my fucking waste. And we shot to the fucking carnival. You know, I hadn't been to Hudson County Park. I mean, it was weird that we were even in Hudson County Park. Because Hudson County Park, I fucking lived in that motherfucker. Hudson County Park has basketball courts, fields, and a bunch of land and trees that you could hide. So when I was a kid, we used to go to Albertsons, who was right across the street from Hudson County Park. We used to go to Albertsons, walk out of there with a case of beer or a bottle of fucking jug wine, that red cooking wine.

And we'd go right into the park, get drunk, and throw rocks and fucking squirrels and shit. We used to get fucked up in there. I've been going there since I was basically in the fourth grade. They used to have a little island with fucking paddle boats and ducks all around you so you could float the paddle boats and shit. Let me tell you something. Talking about Kuiludes, they used to have a fucking island in the middle. Okay.

And every January, remember the night I slept at the Chinese fucking. I was just talking about it. I slept the Chinese. Every year they would have a party on the island in the middle of that fucking lake and that pond. It was called the Island of Insanity Party. So it would have to be the coldest night in January. It was a Friday, and they would wait for the ice to fucking freeze.

They would roll kegs across the fucking pond. Dog, you think I'm fucking kidding. You're North Perkins on a planet of itself. They would roll kegs across the pond, walk across with kegs of beer. We could have died, guys. Remember what I told you, we didn't go out to play, we went out to die? There you go. We would walk across the fucking ice to the island, set the kegs up,

and start fucking drinking. And listen, I was too young. It wasn't my party. It was these older guys' party, the boys. And one night, that night, that with the fucking Kualud, you ready for this one? Me, Lubez, and this dude Joe Foke

fucking were at that party. It was too fucking cold, and we couldn't take it out there no more. We had eaten the Kualud, and these Kuelus were on fire. And we went to the Wing Fong Chinese restaurant. They're not there no more. The Wing Fong was notorious.

I would go in there and run out of there without paying. We would dine and dash. It's where I did my best dining dash work. It was at the Wing Fong because the chance was too good. I couldn't shit where I sleep. But the Wing Fong was mediocre. Who gives a fuck about the Wing Fong?

They were right next door to Chicken Delight. Don't cook tonight. So fucking, we would go to the Wing Fong and just run out. The fucking waiters would play his own defense on us and shit. They'd be strategically placed and shit. But I'd pick up the tab and I would walk it and then they'd go, oh, he's going to pay. and I would walk up to the counter

and once I got to the counter I put the tab down and I'd run out the fucking door and they would fucking go ape shit and then I'd come back I'd walk past the glass and I'd knock on the glass and give them a

and then they'd really lose their fucking mind it was tremendous guys I had a childhood you know what I'm saying so we went to the fucking we went to the Chinese place me lubs and him

were in there fucking coming down off the cold weather we're freezing to debt and all of a sudden we order the Chinese food it's taking some time to come the first thing they throw down is the pork fried rice we're all on fucking gorilla biscuits

we're fucking dying Joe Fokke is eating the fucking pork fried rice now Joe Falk is traditionally Italian he's got the Roman nose you know good looking dude but he's got the Roman nose where they're talking about whatever music black Sabbath who the fuck knows how cold it is outside

and all of a sudden Joe, I see him like, you know, he started turning into Owen Benjamin, you know what I'm saying? Like, remember when Owen Benjamin took the fucking thing, Sarah, Tiana? I could see that. He was like holding on to Deer Life. And finally, after one of those things, he just dropped into the fucking rice and the dish. His whole face, everything dropped into the dish. And he started snoring, dog, at the fucking place.

And we're like, folk, folk, wake up, folk. Folk wake up and this motherfucker won't wake up. We're like, folk, wake the fuck up. I'm hitting the table. Folk, wake up. We've got to run out of here. I ain't got money to pay for this fucking tab. And he's like, uh-uh.

So finally we fucking get him up. We couldn't even run the fuck out of it. I couldn't even dine and dashed. We had to actually pay for the fucking thing. Tremendous. Quailards were fucking great. Quailards were tremendous. I loved them.

That fucking Wolf of Wall Street brought me to fuck back. You can see I got some extra. PEP in my step. on a Monday fucking morning the 11th of October. Before we go any further, I want to talk to you about better help fucking tremendous. You understand me?

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Contact BetterHelp. Go to BetterHelp.com right now. Go to Betterhelp.com slash Diaz. I'm going to get you 10% off your first month. Listen, it's affordable, and you don't have to be a fancy-ass New York to pay for this. It's all remote. No waiting room.

No appointments, no driving. You can have a flexible schedule day or night. You could do phone or video calls. I do video calls. And now you can send messages to your therapist anytime, and they'll get back to your in-between sessions. BetterHelp is 100% remote and available worldwide. You don't have to live in a big city and be fancy.

Trust me, if you have somebody outside your world to talk to, it's easy to schedule. it's affordable and it'll take a load over your shoulders off of your shoulders over a million people have taken care of their mental health i i did i had and i never thought i would do something like this but i did and i'll tell you what guys i feel a lot fucking better so go to betterhelp.com slash diaz again that's betterhelp dot com slash fucking diaz and get 10% off your first month and i guarantee you'll tweet me and go joey i feel a lot better You can tell. With me, the proof is in the pudding.

Just put on a podcast from six months ago. I'm stuttering. I'm fucking all confused and shit. I'm a lot better now. Go to BetterHelp.com. Use code word Joey or Diaz and get 10% off your first month with Better Health. Back to the fucking carnival and the fucking story.

So last night, we ate the fucking food. And I go, you know what? Everything against me didn't want to go to this thing. I'm like, I don't want to walk around. My knee's going to hurt. There's not going to be any parking spark. You know, I was giving myself stinking, thinking every fucking reason not to go there. But I had to go.

I had to go because it was time. I had to see some people. I wanted to see some people. And you know what, man, seeing old friends is always good for the fucking soul. I don't give a fuck what anybody tells you. So I got my car. I called my friend's son. I go, I need some fucking parking.

he goes pull into the fucking carnival and park with all the commissioners and shit and that's exactly what i fucking did and i walked out there i saw my nephew anthony junior i saw my niece kelly and alissa i saw so many fucking people at the carnival i saw my fucking i saw kelly's son axel i held them we danced to the fucking music i didn't eat anything at the carnival no cotton candy or nothing i saw somebody's water that was closed and i stole it because I had fucking cotton mouth and shit. But they were drinking. They were having a great fucking time.

And I'll tell you, man, I saw a lot of old friends. I saw Joe Fokaracho who fell into the fucking pork fried rice. I saw Lisa Gallo. I saw Eddie Connors. I saw a lot of my fucking friends, man. But I could see that I made my friend Anthony fucking happy. You know, I don't have the opportunity to do that from time to time. You know, I got my own life.

But I could tell I made his day. And like I told you guys, sometimes making somebody's day is fucking great. It's a great feeling. You know, then the fucking craziest part of the night came when I'm standing there minding my own business and the fucking mayor came up to me. I looked over and I saw him walking to me and I go, oh, no. The mayor of North Bergen is a sweetheart of a fucking guy. And you know what? He's turning that fucking town around.

You know, I came, I grew up with the administration. before him, so I was always very leery of Mayor Sacco, but I got to be honestly, the proof is in the pudding, look at the fucking town. The town looks fucking great. Crime is low. Yeah, they found somebody dead behind my grandma school a couple weeks ago, but somebody killed him and put him there. It wasn't like a North Perrigan fucking dude or whatever.

You know, it's, yeah, no, I don't, it's great to see. He's been a fucking mayor there for close to 30 years. dirty fucking years. And I remember him from grammar school. He used to yell at me all the time in grammar school because he was one of the principals or something at Lincoln School. Lincoln schools where the bottom floor, the kids are a little. Like when we were kids, the kids would be tied up.

They would bring them to the games all tied up and shit, you know, so it was just, it's a weird area, that area there. I really enjoy myself. It's the fucking Buck Wild area North Bergen Lincoln School But I remember like being in the 8th grade Him yelling at me for something I was tight with one of the kids from fucking

Lincoln School that's dead now Dan Rago His brother was there last night It was great to see him When the man came over to me It was a real fucking hot You know like I'm not a politician type of fucking dude

You know But he came over He said he saw the movie He was proud of me. I shook his hand. And then one of the other commissioners came over. I started talking to him. He was very nice. And then they said if I wanted to take the family picture.

And I'm like, yeah, why not? I took the family picture with them. I said, thank you. And they said, you know, we'll see you soon. And it was just a great feeling, guys. I needed to do that, man. I just needed to, I had a good week. I went over to, I saw two baseball games out.

I went to see the Boston Yankee game Tuesday night. I went out Wednesday night to see the Dodger St. Louis game. I went to Jiu-Jitsu this week. I went to acupuncture. You know, I'm getting out more, and this is what I needed. You know, the first year I just wanted to come here. I stuck to my plant. I just wanted to get to know my neighborhood, see my neighbors, meet new people,

and just see what the first. fuck is going on here you know i don't know what the fuck was going on people trying to blow up my phone making me go here pulling me at 10 000 different directions i couldn't do it i just wanted to stay close to home and see what the fuck this area was about you know see what this is all about and i'm happy i did i'm a better person i feel fucking better you guys keep telling me i'm looking better i look at myself and just see an old fucking man i'm getting ugly about a day i'm getting grayed by the fucking day but listen, I got nothing but heart and balls for you motherfuckers and nothing but love for you guys,

you know, the way you treat me. So I'm here just spilling my fucking guts every week telling you about how I feel, you know? So it was great, and I needed to do that last night. And a lot of years hit me up with emails and stuff on Patreon or whatever. And you're like, Joey, we don't know what to do. Get the fuck out of the house. You know, get the fuck out of the house.

I am so sick of this shit and what it did to me. You know, it burned me. It put fear in my heart. I don't. Do I look like the fucking guy that's ever been fearful of anything? For Christ's sake, I put a guy in a trunk of a fucking car. I went to fucking prison. I get up on stage and talk to fucking strangers for a living.

I get up on stage by myself. There's not a guy with a base standing behind me or a fucking cowbell. I'm up there by myself. You want to talk about being fucking scared shit. shitless. So fear has never been an issue with me. I've never been scared of shit. I don't give a Frenchman's fuck. I hate being fucking scared. So this blew me out of the fucking water this situation the last fucking 18 months. So I fucking had it. Like I fucking had it. And I've been trying to make a move for weeks. I've been trying to make little moves. If I could have found somebody to go to

the black crows of me, I would have gone to the black crows. I just didn't want to go to black crows walking there by myself. People like, fuck, you're in movies and shit and you're hanging out by yourself what do you you don't wear deodorant what do you got the hiv you know so I'm trying I'm gonna go out a little more in this week I'm gonna go out last week I went out three nights this week I'm gonna go for four fucking nights and what does that mean that I'm going to a bar now just get the fuck out of the house at night my toughest part of the day guys between you and I is between six and nine yeah you can pick up the guitar that's 20 minutes 30 minutes it's a struggle after dinner to fucking nine o'clock

because I won't turn the TV on until fucking nine o'clock. Lately I've been turning it on a little earlier to watch games or whatnot, but I won't turn the fucking TV on until nine. So you know what? It's better if I get the fuck out. I just can't sit there anymore. So I talk to my daughter, I talk

to my wife, I'm going to make some moves during the week. I'm going to be home by 10. You guys know me. I got to be home by 10 to take my 10 o'clock dump and drink my fucking tea and take my little fucking pilly-poo. Or if not, everything folds apart from me. So I just got to live a little more.

You know, I thought because I wasn't doing stand-up, that I wasn't going out. Like, you know, I'm doing stand-up. You shouldn't go out. Fuck that. I'm going to start going out more, start doing little things. You know, I talked to a friend of mine, Brian. He manages fucking Guns and Roses.

He called me the other day, tell me he watched a movie and stuff. And we had a pretty good conversation. You know, let me tell you something. Guns and Roses was on the road. for nine weeks without a fucking hip-ah hiccup. Did you know that?

Not a hiccup. Nobody got COVID. Nobody got sick. None of the roadies got fucking sick. Nobody got nothing. And we had a nice talk about it.

We were just saying how the fuck, you know. What was he talking about? Brian, you were talking about how it was about it? Yeah.

He called me and he's like, I think half of this fucking shit is bullshit. Dude, I was on a wedding Saturday, dude. No masks. No masks. Doing live sound again. Yeah, I don't know what the fuck is going on.

Nine fucking weeks. Nobody got sick. You know, they performed for anybody from 20,000 people to 80,000 a night. Nobody got sick. The festivals they did, nobody got sick. nobody got sick at these big music festivals

you know I don't know what the fuck's going on again I'm just a fucking follow like you guys I'm just listening to what the fuck they tell me but you know if I didn't have COVID after the premiere I'm not going to get COVID if I don't have COVID after last night after taking pictures and talking to people and I'm not going to have COVID so I don't know what the fuck's going on I mean I like to just get it at this point just to get it

over with because my friend had got it and he said it was just a fucking cold he goes out yeah he goes he goes I was stuffy for three days and then he goes it went away because I broke a temperature one fucking day so if it means that compared to staying in and not I got to fucking go out I'm a social fucking butterfly believe it or not I like seeing people I like talking to people I mean I don't want to see 25,000 fucking people but I like seeing people I like talking to people I don't like fucking you know Depression starts when you stay in. I won't tell you people, I was depressed. I will tell you that after the pain pill medical debacle,

the pain and everything, I did get a little down on myself for a few months there. But it wasn't because I was staying in. It was because I just, I thought I had made a mistake with the knee surgery, you know, but I don't know. I was a little touched, but it wasn't for me staying in. If anything, I am a full. fucking depression

uh i go the other way it's like people say jiu-jitsu is the opposite of social distancing i am the opposite of letting depression hit me i am very aware of it i i saw somebody who had it and i know the rules number one rule get out of bed

getting that fucking shower and get out of the house that's the avoiding of depression i don't give a fuck if it's sun out i don't give a fuck if it's raining out I don't give a fuck if it's snowing out. Those are the fucking rules of depression. You want to beat depression. Those are the fucking three things you have to fucking do. How do I know?

Because I had bouts of depression growing up. I didn't have a mom. Remember? I didn't have a dad. Remember? I was a fucking loser. Remember? I was an attic, remember?

So I had bouts with it. So as soon as I would feel it coming on, I knew exactly how to fucking treat it. Shower. Get the fuck out of bed. Getting out of bed is the most. important thing. And those people that tell you that can't get out of bed, listen, guys, for years, I didn't feel like getting out of bed. But I knew all I had to do was make it to the fucking shower. If you can make it to the shower, you're going to be fine. And I know you motherfuckers can make it to the shower unless you got a broken ankle or you got a fucking lump on your head or you're fucking something.

You make it to the shower, you jump in that fucking shower and you get the fuck out of the house. So I know for a fact I wasn't depressed. I was just, I think I was dead. down over the move over uh you know the ending of california you know that was big 23 fucking years to fucking leave the place you know i didn't see it i didn't feel it as i was going through it but looking back now i could see how that bothered me a little bit the shit that went on with the cancel shit that you know they went out all those things affected me in a way or two now i really don't give a fuck about any of those things i'm bad back with a motherfucking vengeance i'm back like aerosmith in 76 i don't give a fuck it's just a matter

of time before we go off the fucking plantation here but i will tell you one thing i will tell you something that's i had to stop smoking joints last week like i was like why am i because every night i would go out there and smoke a joint and i would smoke like half the joint and i'm like i'm sick of smoking this already it's starting to bother my fucking thing that's why i busted out the freeze pipe that freeze pipe fucking works tremendously but I started using a little pipe the one that Mike gave me the red lion CBD dog I fill that motherfucker up

I put a little keef on top of it I smoked that motherfucker and I gotta tell you some guys I'm up there eating M&Ms 10 minutes later so it works I don't even have to smoke a joint anymore that's how much I've enjoyed giving myself a fucking tolerance break on this THC I don't have to smoke joints anymore.

I was smoking half joints and fucking throwing them in a box and just saving them. And I said, why am I doing this? I opened them all up, you know, and I fucking, that's it. I'm down to a fucking pipe now. I'm up to about 500 milligrams at night before I go to sleep. That's a lot of fucking more. But dog, I get fucking elevated.

Like I have a hard time walking upstairs. But that's how I like it. I don't want to wake up in the middle. it all night. I don't want to do nothing. When you're fucking, when you're fucking tapering, the biggest complaint is fucking insomnia. How people

can't sleep, I'm the type of dude. I can't deal with fucking insomnia. I don't like it. I get angry and then I get angry and I fucking stay up so I can't deal with fucking insomnia so I don't give a fuck. Listen, I'm tapering.

I'm doing a great job. I probably got another month left. it's going to be a quick fucking taper, you know. But I'm feeling great. I'm happy I went up to that fucking carnival and I'm happy I'm heading the right direction. There was no fucking magic pill here. It was sleep, therapy,

and just sticking to my fucking goals, writing. You know, I get down on myself from time to time and I'm like, wait a second. Three days a week, four days a week, I'm on a fucking phone making notes writing a book with a, you know, like I don't. I never see what I'm actually doing. Like I never really take it in a big manner. But I got to be honest with you, I'm making things fucking happen. Not that I even, you know, I still suck on the guitar.

You know, at least I'm back in my fucking trend. I'm back in acupuncture. I'm back in jiu-jitsu, you know, within a month. I'm going to start going to class if right now, I'm just taking privates with them once a week. We had a plan. You know, we devised a little plan for each other. I think this week coming up will be my fourth private,

and then I'm going to start going maybe on the weekend for an hour with them fucking around. I mean, you know, it's going to be an involvement, and then from there, I'm going to start going for the classes. I'm going to go to my friend, Dave Bittone, because I have arthritis in my left knee, and I don't want to start taking shots I don't want to start taking I was going to do the surgery in January

but I don't want to go to the pain pill thing again so I'm just going to there's a way to work on the knee and to work on the arthritis so I talked to him Saturday and he said to come down one day next week and we'll start rehabbing it and this is what we do

I'm a fucking old man what do you want for me guys but what do you want me to do lay down and get in my fucking old man chair and not see me again I plan on slinging dick till I'm 70. That's the going fucking rate right now. I thought about it about a week ago and I'm like, what am I thinking about

retiring? I'm not doing, because I can't retire. You know me, I'm like a fucking shark. I can't stop fucking moving. I really can't guys. I don't want to retire yet. I'm still too young to fucking retire. Everything's still working. I still wake up with a hard on. What am I thinking about retiring for? You retire

when you stop working up with a fucking hard on unless I'm taking fucking biagra in my sleep or blue chew in my fucking sleep. So I'm waking up with tremendous fucking hard on. Everything is Coom C, Coomsa, here on Uncle Joey's joint. I appreciate you motherfuckers supporting me every Monday and Wednesday. We try to do the best we can.

We try to come at you with fucking innovative conversation and chitter-chatter. If you don't look at it that way, I don't know what the fuck to tell you. This is innovating for me, just being able to bullshit with you motherfuckers for an hour. by myself. It's like kind of doing a stand-up routine. Just not so funny, but who gives a fuck? There's a ton of people you're paying $35 to see and they don't make you laugh one time.

This is free and at least we're having a good time or at least I'm having a fucking good time by telling you my fucking story here. But everything was great. I had a great fucking weekend. I'm happy I went up to that fucking carnival. I got to see my friends. You know, I talked to Glenn this morning

and we text. We're going to do it once a fucking month. just get together. You know, he'll come down here one night. We'll do dinner at a local restaurant and I'll do the same. If I get three friends to do that, my nights are taken up. You know, they don't have to be fancy, schmancy restaurants. We could just go for a fucking slice of pizza.

I don't give a fuck about that shit. It's just getting back out there, reconnecting with my friends. And I'll maybe try to get them on the podcast one time. We got some great fucking stories. We were laughing. Our ass is off last night. There was a kid there. And last night, his name is John.

Great fucking guy. I know him since the 8th grade, too. And he came up to me last night with Glenn. He goes, remember the time we went over to the Bronx? He wanted to get drugs. And I'm like, oh, my God, I can't believe you remember that. We were walking up the stairs in this fucking creepy building. And he's like, where are we going?

You know, he was really naive. He wasn't a drug addict like I am. I just made him come old with me. But we had a car and they were with us. I go, we might as well take the ride to the Bronx. So I parked the car in the Bronx, and I take him into this fucking dilapidated fucking building. And as we're walking up the stairs, he won't stop.

Where are we going? Where are we going? Why are we here? You know, what are we doing? And I'm like, dog, relax. I'm going to get you late. There's a hooker. We're going to go see.

There was no hooker. But I'll never forget. He looked at me and he goes, what? And make love to a strange woman? I go, yeah, make love to a strange woman. I go, yeah, make love to a strange woman. woman who gives a fuck there was no hooker i was going to see some chick the cop up there in the brunks but i saw him last night i told him that line he was cocoa i cannot believe you remember that day and i go dog

there's not much i fucking forgot you know from those i still remember all those funny lines that was the hanging out with those guys was the fucking foundation of my comedy career and i realized that last night and that's why i'm grateful of those motherfuckers with all my heart but With that said, I had a great fucking time this weekend. I hope you guys had a great time. I got some weird fucking news. I'm trying to put this screening up for the Patreon people to take them to go see the fucking Many Saints in Newark.

After all the bad reviews, I don't think they'll want to go see it now anyway, but it's a great movie. What I wanted to tell you is that, like September 18th, I called AMC Freehold. And I'm like, hey, man, can I watch the movie? They're like, well, before you do anything, before we can even talk to you, you have to go on the website and go through corporate and fill out this paperwork. Don't get back in a few days. No problem.

I fucking fill out the paperwork, my wife downloads, and I fill it out, I send it back. A day goes by, two days go by, three days go by, nobody calls. I call up the fucking thing. I call up a regional sales office in Kansas City. I leave a message. Nobody fucking calls me back. Okay, I call Freehold 14 again. Some lady answered the phone.

I tell her my dilemma. She goes, send me the paperwork. She gave me a fucking email address. I had my wife forward it over to her. Okay, I'll get this done. I'll call you back in a few days. Well, a fucking week went by and she never got back to me. You know, I want to do this with the Patreon people.

You know, I told them I'd do it. This is what I want to do. So I call again. some pimple fucking face kid answers. How do I know he had pimples? I don't know. But I could just hear his pimples on the fucking phone. He was confused.

I don't know what you're talking about. I spoke to Lisa, whatever a fucking name is. She's supposed to get back to me. Yeah, and then he hung up on me. So I called back and talked to some other guy and nobody could find my paperwork and I don't know what the fuck's going on. So I called the fucking JN's, whatever, AMC,

and fucking Eaton Town the one I went to the Q&A with my buddy Chuck and they're fucking saying they'll get back to me.

That was a week. I told them I was just there last week. I know I could rent out the theater. You know, I was a Monday. If it needs to be Monday,

the guy goes, yeah, probably need to be Monday because with James Bond there's going to be a lot of people here this weekend so it probably

have to be Monday or Wednesday. I go, okay. I call back nothing. I call back freehold. Nothing. I get pissed off.

So I finally go, maybe that guy did the Q&A for in Eaton Town and the AMC and fucking Mountainside. Maybe he can help me. I mean, he does him, you know, so I called him up. And I go, hey, man, can I talk to you about something? I need a problem here. Can you help me out getting an AMC theater and a freehold? And he goes, are you fucking kidding me?

He goes, I got two more dates at the free at the AMC. And then we're out of there. I go, what are you talking about? He goes, bro, AMC fired everybody up at the top. He goes, I don't even have anybody to call. He just went on on and on about what was going on with AMC and how we couldn't fucking, they don't get back to you. They eat in town one fired the whole fucking cleaning staff.

And they're making the managers clean the fucking theaters. Can you believe that shit? So I was like in shock. I didn't fucking know. So he told me to try the I think there's another theater and the Red Bank and Lowe's. So I called them. So I'm waiting for a call back from them tomorrow. And then we'll figure out what the fuck's going on.

Let me tell you how bad the theater business is. I heard they did a screening for the Sopranos, for the many saints in Orange, East Orange, West Orange. The movie theater had been closed for the pandemic. People are watching the movie theater. It opened up just for the many saints in Newark. They opened it up with that movie. You know, now they're going to stay open.

I heard while people were sitting there, they could feel mice eating at their feet and shit. Because the theater had been closed so long. The theater's been closed for fucking close to 16 months. So fucking... Yeah, you check up on it, but mice, you know, while the cats away, the mice will play. You know, that's the fucking... That's it. People bring pop.

You know how much fucking popcorn spins and goes under a carpet or whatever? So what do you think? People are eating at their feet? You're watching a movie? Can you imagine watching a movie and something's fucking eating at your feet? I would run the fuck out of there if I saw a mouse or a fucking rat in a movie theater. But that's what's going on. So I'm sorry if you're on Patreon and you've been waiting.

I've been fucking waiting too. So give me a couple days. It's going to have to be on a weekday. So that scratches half of you. but the funny thing was I told my wife. I can't believe what's going on. She goes, you didn't know that? You fucking idiot?

That these things are basically, they're basically staying open by a life threat. He told me, the guy Chuck goes, listen, they don't even make money on the movies no more. They're in business to sell popcorn and M&Ms. That's it.

But anyway, I know you guys got a busy Monday. I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great week, and I'll be back Wednesday with a new movie review and a great guest. I love you,

Coxuckers. and now for a word for my motherfucking sponsors all right you bad motherfuckers I want to thank you for watching today on a Monday morning I didn't know what the fuck I was talking about today but I surely did have a good fucking time

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