The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 11/06/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #125

Episode Date: November 6, 2013

Uncle Mike Kessler calls in to motivate us. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Streamed live on 11/06/2013.

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just go to joey dyes.net and click on the dollar-shaved club banner. We're doing pink floyd cucksucker with the alarms, remember? Oh, you wanted to start with fucking two-po? You're slipping on. You told me, you told me two-clock. No, no, no, no. Why would I have alarms ringing if I wanted to start with Tupupupac? This is what I'm talking about, ladies and gentlemen.

It's Wednesday. You got to stay on top of everything these fucking days. Listen to the bells. Get up. It's over. Time is moving, cock-suckers. And you people are sitting there. I'm gonna take my fucking test and go to Europe and go fuck yourself.

In a few years, there ain't gonna be no Europe. Wait till those fucking Arabs blow that whole fucking town up to fucking pieces. Get up, you fuck. Get up. Do some jumping jacks, some coffee, some oatmeal. Give thanks to the God that gave you another fucking day, whether he's Jewish, black, Puerto Rican, Hindu, whatever the fuck he is. Tell him, thank you for fucking giving me another day in this fucking hellhole.

I got to take a bus. to school, listen to this fat fucking my ear with the other little fucking Jew it's a church of what's happening now, ladies and gentlemen, wake up. That's what I'm trying to fucking tell you here. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. November 6th, one year ago today, Beauty and the Beast, kaput!

Caput! Caput, motherfuckers! But you got to move on, you gotta keep walking, talking, smoking, doping, slinging. Lee, how long is this fucking thing? I'm out of breath here. What the fuck is going on?

How are you this morning, cocksuckers? I'm good. Welcome to the church who was happening now Wednesday, November 6th. One day closer to your fucking debt. Jesus Christ. I'm sorry, I got the flu, but I still showed up.

I've had the flu since fucking Sunday, but I've been fighting it like a soldier. I went to the doctor yesterday. Got some Tamiflu. What's that? Tamm of flu is a five-day pill you take to the eliminate the fucking flu. Oh,

did you get your shot recently? Is that why? No, I don't get no fucking shot. I'm going to let somebody shoot fucking the flu of me. Hold on. Let me get a syringe and shoot some AIDS in you. So you won't get fucking AIDS later on. You know what I'm saying?

Fuck that shit. I bump up on it. When I bump up on it, I ain't going to shoot in my system and give up. Fuck you. I take some Tammy flu. I smoke some reefer. I eat two edibles and I watch Sons of Anakey and I'm back.

Well, not really. I just got to clear out before you fly because I'll get an ear. infection. But yesterday as preventive measure, I went to both doctors. The family doctor and the fucking ear doctor too. Oh shit. No, don't fuck around, though. Do you get a...

What's it called? Blood? No. Acupuncture. No, yesterday was no acupuncture. Because I usually go one off, one on. Every once in a while I go to back to back if there's something serious. Oh, okay. But I felt pretty good this one. But next week I got to go get cut, move the blood around. Oh, I didn't know if that could help with the flu.

I don't know what it... Yeah, yeah. I'm sure... As at the beginning of the flu, you could take it out with the cups. You could take the heat out of your body and all that stuff. I've done it before. I just wasn't scheduled yesterday, so I didn't really want to bother her with it. But it's weird how fast the fucking flu moves, and I felt it. You felt it Monday. I felt it Monday, but I knew Friday because I had gone to,

my Saturday morning when I woke up, I was already hitting heavy doses of vitamin C. Every time I walked in the kitchen, I took three, four thousand milligrams. Pop, chewables, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. And you keep pissing that shit out. You got to drink a lot of water and juices, you know. But I started hitting it's fucking hard, and I popped a couple of those... Those...

Strum Tech Amunes. I popped a couple of those. And you know what, man? You drink... I didn't sweat. I didn't really go to the gym. I didn't do much. I did what I had to do.

I caught up on writing. I caught up on phone calls. I caught up on emails. You sound better than you did yesterday. Yesterday you sounded like more stuffed up. Yeah, no. It was a fucking long day yesterday. And I made it happen.

I auditioned yesterday for Jim Jeff. free show. Oh, shit. Which was, you know, I... Hollywood exclusive. Listen, dogs, I am a stand-up comic by nature, but I love the other side of it, too. Do I like being on TV? No.

I like the whole process of auditioning. You like the... Isn't that what most people hate? Most people hate... I like different. I like booking and then not doing the job. Like, I like booking the job, but when they call them, they're like, oh, you got to drive to rancho come on.

You're like, God damn it. I wish I didn't book this fucking job. I like that challenge. You know, I like that. Because for me, it's more than a challenge. For me, it's like, fuck, 20 years ago, I dreamt about this. Now I'm actually at Fox Studios up the corner from where they shot friends or whatever the fuck. I know they shot friends at Warner Bros.

I'm just saying that sometimes I go into those things. And for me, it's, I get psyched up in my head. Like, I walk into one of those things. and I just I get happy walking around there because in my wildest fucking imagination

I never dreamt of walking on a studio lot before I came here I dreamt of being an extra really I never really I thought to myself if I got two shows

as an extra I'd be lucky like if somebody's seen me do comedy and said we want to put you this scene at the bar I would have been happy with that never mind talking that's a complete different fucking game for me

So when I go to those auditions, when I get called for them at night, like this one called it 10 to 7, Tuesday night, you know. Yeah, yeah, Monday night. Like, they usually call like at 5. They call it 10 to 7, so it was a late one. So I had to rearrange my schedule a little bit. But it's amazing. I walk into these things.

And sometimes they're in an office, like in just a regular office building in Culver City or Studio City. But most of the times, you know, 50% of the times they're on a lot, either CBS Radford or Fox or, or, or, or Melrose on Paramount, you know, and you have to get security clearance to go in, which again baffles me, how they let me on their fucking lots.

And I go in, I park, and I walk. But once I walk, 90% of the times, it's usually really fucking sunny. You know, and I think to myself, never. I can be honest with the viewers. I can be honest with Lee. I could be honest with my wife. I thought of a thousand things when I was a kid.

I thought of being a Coke dealer and having planes and, you know, smacking people and having bodyguards like a loser. I thought about maybe being an attorney. I thought about maybe being involved with international banking, you know, at one time. I had all these fucking stupid fantasies. They weren't even dreams because I never thought I'd amount to nothing. But here I am walking on a lot.

You know, you have no idea what it feels like for a guy like me to walk on the Sony lot. And as you're walking, you're walking with your head down and you're thinking about your life and you look up and you see Happy Madison productions. And you know that even though Sony's owned by Japanese, have Adam Sandler's, have Jewish and half Japanese. You know what I'm saying? He's home by the Japs himself. But, you know, it's a joke.

And what I'm trying to say is that it's a stupid joke. I mean, you know I fucking made it. I was reaching there. But it's a great feeling. And then, guys, you think Joey, I never dreamt ever. I dreamt of doing stand-up, but living in Denny. and never doing, maybe to do it comedy like in a suburb of San Francisco. Like, I never thought I'd be good enough.

So for me to walk around those lots, Lee, it's fucking amazing. That's all I'm trying to say. Yesterday was no lot. Yesterday was an office and I had a parking some fucking embroidery factory and keep looking at my car so they wouldn't tell it. Yesterday was no picnic, but it was for Jim Jeffrey's show. So I went down there prepared, you know. They're doing that again.

Like, there's a lot of comedians who have their own shows now. It seems like... Because I would imagine after Seinfeld got his, there was a big boom. Well, what really happened was this. What really happened was Roseanne from ABC, you know, the guy I liked the drug dealer, the guy that sold Coke and Tim Allen. Oh, yeah, yeah. And then those three people were the markers.

And then a couple years later, TV got... And they gave Tom Rhodes. We discussed it when he... He was on the podcast they gave Tom Rhodes, Greg Giroldo, and somebody else's show. Bill Burrough? Oh, no, no, no, no. Margaret Cho. Oh, okay.

And all those shows went under for whatever various reasons, you know. Now, if you watch a comedy show at the end of a show, we'll say, based on the stand-up of Seinfeld or Ray Romano. Ray Romano or something like that. Now, I think that in the future, I'll see, based on the podcast of, you brought it out. Yeah. You got your buddy, Pete Holmes. You've got Mac Marin. You've got...

Hardwick. Hardwick that are shows now. The podcast that was... I don't know if they'll make this fucking podcast a show and I'm not keeping my fingers crossed. I don't want to be censoredly. Yeah. I don't want to be censored.

I like working television, but I also like now that on FX, you could slip and say dick or shithead or something like that. Yeah, when you watch Suns Anarchy at 7 o'clock, they're fucking cursing on there. Oh, shit. They're fucking cursing on that. They call her saying, dick, and push it.

and, you know, they're saying, they're talking some wild shit on there. I think they're going to have to. I think they're going to. To compete, you're going to have to. And that's what Dollar Shave Club comes in. Those guys are a little edgy and they're advertising. They'll jump on. I mean, listen, as a society, yes, there's people that, like I said a thousand times,

and it's a hacky joke, but it's true. I get offended when I see a tampon commercial or a common commercial. That's just me. How offended do I get? Do I get on the computer and get the comment? people and tell them to go fuck themselves? No, they're trying to make a living, I understand. But 6 o'clock, nobody's thinking about condoms

at 6 o'clock at night, dinner time. Okay, maybe 9 o'clock in the East Coast. Yeah, people are thinking about fucking... Not even. People thinking about... But people who are dirty, and are fucking with condoms, usually start fucking 11 o'clock at night. You're right or wrong?

That's when the drugs come out, and women with tattoos around their asshole, with the bob-wire around there. I think if you're using a condom, you're fucking like 8-30 and you're going to go to bed and you're only going to do it once. I don't know. If you're using the condoms

because you picked her up on the floor somewhere and you're bringing her home and that's what we're fucking talking about here, right? I guess. I guess, but yeah, I think eventually they must have to have meetings now like we have maybe

10 years and most left of the way it's going. And I think that's like a high estimate that it's going to take 10 years for this stuff to go through. Anything like ABC, CBS, and NBC will be done with. I don't think they'll be done with. I don't think they'll be done.

with just because they're so I mean some of the shows are fucking painful oh they're awful yeah I finally figured out Charlie Sheen I finally figured out like my brother Mike running yeah the guy calls the show he thinks Charlie Sheen is the best fucking thing that I will walk and I get it I've laughed watching two men and a baby two what's the name of the two and a half men two and a half men I've laughed but the whole show's in the toilet worse than we're in the fucking toilet because I let you know I'm in the toilet from my first line this show sucks you in telling you it's CBS

but it's in the fucking toilet the one on FX is even dirtier I mean all the innuendoes are based to fucking and suck it I mean I ain't mad at you but it's funny when there's guys that are real guys out there that don't give a fuck like when I told me when I got two and a half men

and I had to do that stupid singing thing I told my brother to watch and he's like that's the faggiest fucking thing I just all my life he goes what the fuck is wrong with you what is this west side story if Charlie Sheen was on the show he would have never allowed that. And that's pretty fucking deep for somebody

who just watches TV. So now I figured out the whole Charlie Sheen thing. But besides that, AMC and FX are the fucking future. The future. And they're ending soon. I mean, I've never seen sons of anarchy, but it's going to be going on for six or seven. So that means it has that most

probably three left. It's got one left, I think. One left. So I think pretty soon reality TV is going to I think it has to. I think it's gotten to the point where it's getting so bad that it's going to start You watch any reality TV? I work in it, so I fucking see the behind the scenes, but no, I can't watch, I can't watch, and I think even girls are starting to see it. Because the majority of the viewers are, are, they're women.

Yeah, that's who they're sold to. But I think even, even that they're seeing it. And it's, it's not, it's not cool anymore to have. a dirty pleasure or whatever reality TV. And it gets entertaining at some points. You find yourself like you'll wake up. You're like, I've been on the couch for an hour and I watch this shit. But I think it's getting to a point. I've watched various different shows of reality TV from celebrity weight loss, you know, on VH1 to Celebrity Rehab.

I watched episodes of Duck Dynasty. I watched episodes of Mob Wise. Over the years, I've watched different episodes of different shows. I know it's reality, but you know when I stop watching? When I realize it's not reality. Yeah, like a bunch of the shows you just mentioned, they have people there doing scenes. Right, you know, and what happened to a guy that was catching bugs on A&E?

Oh, Dirty Jobs? No, the other guy was from New Orleans or Houston, and he had like a weird haircut and his mom and his brother. Remember, and he caught bugs and snakes. Yeah, yeah, he was at a disturbing. Yeah, I don't know what happened to him. You know, it's funny because the last two or three days, I swear to God, Monday I got a call that some celebrity reality show people wanted to meet with me.

Oh, cool. And yesterday I got a call that a company wanted to meet with me in Santa Monica that they're thinking of doing. And both ideas, I've got to tell you, were horrendously fucking bad. Oh, yeah, of course. You know, if I did a reality TV show, listen, this is why I made that point last week on a live podcast. What, which one?

I like the idea of the drunk cast. It's very interesting. I also got to tell you about what happened with the chick who was in the Tudor me for history. Oh, something happened? Yes. You want to hear this? Of course I do. We'll get back to the reality.

Guys, podcast people, this is what I've always told you. So I caught this. I met this lady to a friend of mine. I talked to two or three different people. Some people email me, listening to the show. But a friend of mine reached out to me, Studio City, a white dude, reached out to me very nice. And he goes, I understand you're looking to my friends, a tutor, and blah, blah, blah.

I said, okay, no worries. So boom, boom. So I spoke to her on the phone. We were supposed to get coffee, and something happened with him. My end. I got an auditioning. and was running late.

And we just said, listen, let's just settle for this. She told me what book to order on Amazon. And then I didn't hear from her for like three or four days. And I called her up, I said, I ordered the book. And she goes, okay, you know, let's meet, we're going to meet on Fridays or I can't meet on Fridays because I'm never here on Fridays. Nine or ten. I go, can we meet another neutral day, maybe early in the morning?

So I never have to cancel. You understand me? Listen, if you have to meet me, you really want to meet me, do it late in the morning. And it'll happen. Anything after that is a fucking nightmare. That's why I do the... 50% of the reason I do the podcast,

I'm going to get to you motherfuckers early in the morning before you watch the news and, you know, hear about fucking, you know... Or the other half is to fucking... You knew nothing will ever come in the way of it. What's that? Nothing will ever come in the way of it. I don't want nothing in the way of it. I don't want to ever get bumped.

That's why when people call me and they go, I have a podcast here to do it too, clock it's not gonna work out for you two is my prime fucking time and guess what five when my wife gets home is even more fucking prime time yeah you know the baby's crying you got to pick the cats move over so what we talking about the tutor the tutor so all right so boom boom and then I didn't hear from a for a week or two and then I called and nothing and then I sent an email and nothing and finally got an email two days ago guys and it was kind of embarrassing but I might as well talk about it

I didn't get a call back. I got an email. She said at this time in her life that she didn't really want to tutor anybody. She thought about it and blah, blah, blah. And then I wrote it back. I said, is it something I said? And she took another day to answer me. And she finally said, the truth of the matter is you insulted some people that were very dear to me

with a statement you made on stage one night years ago. What? I don't understand how somebody level-headed that wants to learn. and could say a statement like that. And I asked her what the statement was. And it was probably like a gay statement or something. So she saw you at a club one night? Her friend saw me at a club.

No, that's, she just didn't want to do it. Yeah, she just didn't want to do it. That's a bullshit. Yeah, listen, I either insulted somebody. And, Lee, I've had situations where people have said, ah, you know, look at Ari. When Ari was doing the fucking Jew thing, there were commercials that didn't hire them. because of those videos. Oh, the Amazing Racist?

Don't. You'd be surprised. Well, I see that, but someone who you hired and is not, is like taking time and saying, I don't want to do it, she knew who you were the moment her friends and I have someone who's looking to get tutored. I just think she didn't want to wake up early, and she was supposed to outline a chapter. We're going to do it at 10 o'clock, one hour a week, 10 o'clock. That's not even early. She lives in Sherman Oaks.

No, I know it's not early. I'm just saying I was going to meet it by a restaurant of Ventura and everything. We decided. But a friend saw you at a comedy club 10 years ago? I don't know. She said I made some statements. I don't know. She said I made some statements that she couldn't understand.

That was it. That's the end of my fucking to-do. I think you could get some videos. There must be some educational videos. There was something on Showtime. There was something on Showtime, the history of the world. I watched a couple of those. I got reacquainted. and Jimmy Berkel was very intelligent. He went to the Air Force Academy and died of cancer this year.

And he was very good with that. When I lived with him in Colorado those early years, we used to discuss history. And he was my history, not tutor, but my mind sharper. He kept my mind sharp. All those years, we were talking about the Germans and, you know, Hitler, and he really knew about all that. He was German.

So he really knew and what his side of the story was and what the Jew's side of the story was now. You know, Japan guy, you know, he just knew, man. So it really made me appreciate him more. Now I want to learn about it, and now he's gone. That's the story of my fucking life. It makes you realize life a little more. I miss him more than ever.

And I really do miss him, man. There's not too many people that I fucking really miss. I really miss that motherfucker. It's been like seven, eight months. But I used to talk to him every week, and he kept me kind of saying. You know, the people that keep me saying aren't the people around me are the people at home because when I talk to them

I think of all the things that all I need to do is to get their one conversation with them and it would make whatever was happening here like a fucking you know like nothing ever existed so really yeah I do I do use my friends a lot as that well I know you use your

friends uh not use them well no no but I mean like I talk to them and it makes me inspires me in a way that's crazy did you because you you started thinking about getting tutored right around the time he passed away, it seems like. Yeah.

That's crazy that it would take that motivation. Life works from fucking weird ways, man. Yeah. And life always reminds you a certain things in certain ways. Waterboxer in the fucking house. I can't think of a day that water boxer ain't up doing jumping jacks, spinning around. He don't even do fucking fingertips. He just puts one finger down,

puts it by his head and spins around like a fucking top, that motherfucker. He seems like a guy who's lucky enough to wake up, and he already in a good mood. It's hard. Some people already, like it takes a while to get jazzed. He seems to like it.

I was thinking about something yesterday, and I wanted to get, have you heard of Love Line that syndicated show with Dr. Drew and stuff? I was listening to it on the way home last night, on the way to dinner. They had a question about, have parents ever gotten the way of your relationship?

And, like, you always joke that, like, I've dated a black girl, and now I'm dating a Mexican girl. I think if you ask my parents, like if you got them high, they'd probably say, we wish you would date a white person, but we don't really care. I think my mom may be more than my dad does. I don't know. Did you ever feel pressure from your mom when she was allowed to date like a Cuban girl?

No, because my mom died right at that point where I really started to kind of just, no. We had that problem at the house with Nikki. I was a kid and I was dating this girl and, you know, I just lost my focus, man. It's what happens when you discover pussy the first time. It was the sixth grade and I ended up getting left back on the sixth to seventh grade. No, seventh grade. I always say sixth grade. I got left back in the seventh grade.

And in fact, the girl posted the picture the other day. She posted this picture from the seventh grade. Oh, really? Kathy Keltoe's posted on Facebook. Take a look. It's a seven, and it's everything on my Facebook page. It's Kathy Kelto's. That was the guy's name, Earl Kingwall.

But the guy was tough. He made you do book reports. He made you do verbal book reports. Oh, Jesus. He'd ask you about the book. What was the name of the character? That was his friend. Ba-ba-ba, blah, blah, blah.

So when you had a pick from, like, 65 fucking books. I failed, not because I was stupid. I failed because I'd put all my faith in this chick and on her pussy. I don't know what had happened to me. And what was the story? Oh, about the... And she was cute. Yeah. Okay, she was. She was very Cuban. Her family was very Cuban. When we got into it, my mother was speaking in Spanish. And it was weird. I didn't like the whole thing of the Cuban, how they treated a Cuban. Like I had to date her, her brother and her grandmother, whatever, we did something.

Oh, okay. You know, it's in the seventh grade. Now, in the seventh grade, you were, you just happy to have a woman next to you or a girl next to you. So you, but you don't think about what that's like. Being around somebody. And yeah, we made out after school and a building. You know, you always find a way. But think about that. Like, I would have to go to fucking carnivals with the grandmother and the stupid fucking brother, who I still can't fucking stand after all these years.

I know he doesn't like me. You know, I know he doesn't like me because of the history we had. But I dated her, and I dated this other girl, Maria and Loredez, they were Cuban girls. And I knew right there I didn't want to date a Cuban woman. How my mother would feel, my mother wouldn't give a fuck. No.

No, no, unless... Listen, all you want is for happiness. You know your child, and when your mother sees your face in December, she's going to go, he's happy. Oh, no, my mom's going to be fine with it. I did feel a little bit nervous. Like, I introduced... Nothing to this extent, but I introduced the black girl to her. And my mom's a little bit...

She likes to think she's a little bit more conservative in her heart, I think. So I was a little bit nervous about it. What is conservative actually mean? Just because, you know, like I said, I'm not... Not politically. I think she's really liberal. I think she... She grew up in the 50s, 50s and 60s.

And I think she... She wishes she was a little bit more okay with things. But I think with some... With some things, like, she would prefer... It would make things easier for her if I married a Jewish girl. I don't think she... She would have any, she doesn't hate anybody.

She's a very nice lady. But it would make things easier for her and like planning the wedding and with grandkids. And are they going to get bar mitzvah if I just married a Jewish girl? If you married a Mexican girl, she wouldn't want to get bar mitzvids. So right away, there'd be drama between the mother and the daughter-in-law and a riff. I understand what you're saying. Not because of the color of her skin, but because she doesn't want any problems. She just wants to keep it nice and simple and traditional.

The word is traditional. Yeah, you're right, you're right. That's the word traditional. I'm sorry, that. Hey, listen, man, I just want happiness for... I mean, there's things you don't fucking want. Let's fucking be honest.

There's things you want for your daughter and there's things you want for your son. You know what I'm saying? I mean, as a father or whatever, you don't want your daughter showing up with fucking Chaka Khan's brother to your house with Spears coming out of his nose

and shit like that. But at the same time, you're following me? me all I want my daughter is to be happy. I don't care the color of the person's fucking skin. In your mind, you don't think. You know, I always tell this fucking story and I told my niece that, you know, I'm the first one today. Today, some kids said something to me, and I'm going to fucking rectify this once and for fucking all. The kid's name is Danja. Dan ya. He thought I hated Arabs or whatever the fuck I hated. You know, he wanted to, uh, uh, you know, he asked me a question if I hated Arabs. Here's my questions they hate Arabs with fucking towheads.

or hummus fucking eaters, whatever the fuck. Whatever the fuck people call them or whatever, just so you know, okay? When I was in college, all right, I was part of the C-U-O-P work study program for minorities. Okay.

I had to do it because it was the only way I would get into the university at the time. I was going to prison, and I wanted to switch their mind. And again, listen to them fucking story. I was trying to switch their mind, so this is why I was going to college, but I'm lying.

I wanted to go to college for me. It was a personal reason that I could, again, going to college, for me was like walking on Paramount. When I realized how easy it was to do, I didn't know what the fuck, what the big mess was. Because for two years of your high school life,

how much did they torch? From the time you become a fucking sophomore. Oh, it starts earlier now. They fucking torment you. They torment you as a kid with college. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Applications. And my fucking take on it,

and I do this with my daughter is first year at high school, yank her out of fucking school and make a get a job. make a get a job in something that work practicality. I'm sorry about the usage of the word. Something practical, okay? Belly to belly sales is practical.

It's something that you'll remember for the rest of your life and you will use for the rest of your life. You know what? Nobody likes selling copies door to door. Nobody likes selling shoes door to door. But the life experience it will give you will be fucking universal. Nobody likes selling cars.

Everybody says people who sell cars fucking scumbags fine then go sell sneakers at footlocker but I want you to discover the human that the sense of touch and feel and talking to people and trying to sway people like well I don't know if I want these Adidas I'm gonna go see what the Reeboks call let me answer you this what if I threw a fucking pair of socks in what if I do some fucking foot spray in you know what I'm saying so I drop a dollar out of my pocket because I pay cost for the foot spray but he sells the sneakers and I outsell Lee these are the things you

when you sell you know when I sold cars I used to be a bald-headed fucking salesman used to drive me crazy but I knew how instant how insecure he was about his baldness so every day I would call a different bald company and go hi my name is Steve whatever can you call me back on this line I want to hear about your bald-headed treatments people would call back and this guy would get crack for the day I wasn't being mean I was taking him out of his game I needed to make $10,000 a month selling cars Okay, there's different things I would take his cigarettes

And load him up with those loads So when he'd light him up They'd blow up in his fucking face Okay You have to But this guy probably sitting in like a therapist Right now like I don't know what happened In 88

So what does this have to do with Arab people What it's got to do with fucking Arabs Is that When I went to college I was horrible I had to switch majors Okay I was trying to be a history major because I want to go to school for law,

but I was fucking, I had to switch majors, so I switched to economics. You know how much I knew about economics? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I didn't even know what economics meant, though. I thought economics meant how you fuel like a, and it does mean that, how you finance a certain institution.

Okay. It's economics, so how they finance the United States and how they finance, you know, microeconomics, there's small businesses and macro is, you know, Gillette. and fucking dollar shave club and fucking you know on it and and uh hoot plus they're all you know so i got two free hours of tutor in every week okay okay so i got this tutor i got a tutor assigned to me you know what his name is what mohammed zabbib i can't make that up but i'll never i'll never forget that name because as soon as they told me the tutor i turned pale i got dizzy i got down on one knee at that time i didn't know what they

these people were. I don't even know what the fuck nationality was. I just thought in the back of my mind that I hated this man for some stupid reason. I didn't like him. He wore sandals, his toes were dry. It drives me crazy when you wear sandals and your toes are dry. You're telling me you got no disregard

for the general public whatsoever. You're making me sit there on a bus and look at that dry fucking toe. My toe is fucked up, but it's creamy. I got fucking cream on my toe. I swear to God, before I leave the house, I put fucking cream on my legs because they horrible. I got the spots where the blood collagulated by the ankle, so now I rub them. I put my legs up for the circulation. Anyway, Muhammad Zabib. So fucking Muhammad Zab is my tutor, two hours a week.

You know that by the end of the year, Mohammed Zabib used to come to my home and eat with my family. Really? I love Muhammad Zab, and he went back to Egypt, and God knows what happened to him. Now he's throwing fucking rocks at somebody. I don't know this, you know what I'm saying? I have no idea. But what I'm telling you is he was one of my best friends for life and I love Mohammed Zabib and because of him he introduced me to that whole culture I never ate hummus even 30 fucking years later But I introduced me to the culture so I love it It's very beautiful I don't know what even knew what the fuck he was

I think he was Egyptian he was Egyptian I'm just breaking your people's balls but So the point is you don't hate Arabs I don't hate nobody I talk shit but I don't hate nobody because we're all brothers at the end When we're all fucking walking to the gates of hell together holding hands I'm going to be next to a black guy, next to a Jew, next to a fucking Arab, next to a Puerto Rican, so it don't fucking matter. You follow me?

Hell, don't discriminate. Oh, Jesus. But that's it. Right? You think Hitler's in fucking hell? A lot of who think of all the fucking horrible people are now? Ganga's Con is in hell. Hitler's in fucking hell.

Pontius Pilots in hell. Just those three sitting in a fucking corner playing fucking cards. Hell don't discriminate. you bad motherfuckers. Where's some music for your Uncle Joey? Hit me, well, let's jump up and down. Some little rock lobster. Something, cock sucker.

Bing, ding, king. I love this guy's guitar. This guy died of heroin until this day. I saw this guy live, and he blew my mind. Listen to this motherfucking guitar. Kick it, Lee. Rock. Bagels.

Hit it, Lee. Rock. You saved me. Go ahead. Now we're going to get deep. Turn this shit up. It's my uncle Mike Kessler in the fucking house. What's up, dog?

Motivating motherfuckers this morning. Where are you at, Doug? I just finished doing my push-ups. I did my workout and then get the blood down on your brain and read the New York Times and a couple other subversive publications and I'm ready to get out there. You read Al Jazeera?

I just started. I just started, but I read shit to the left of that like truth dig and truth out. You know, they're telling you the truth about Obama care. Let me ask you something, ObamaCare. So what's this little workout you do? How many push-ups you do every day? I do.

I use the perfect push-up, and when you comes, it comes with the thing. So you start with about 15, and then you just keep doing it. You get more work out, and then you work down until you can only do one. And then I'm done. And how many jumping jumps? If I had a bang out 50, I could. You know, pay me $100. How many jumping?

jacks can you do? No, I don't do jumping jacks. I don't do jumping jacks. Bad ankle, but a lot of squats with 10 pound weights of my hands. No shit, Uncle Mike? I put on, you know what? I got this pandora. You put the meters on,

you know, or like Parliament, Funkadelic or cameo and shit, and you just kind of like move with the weights and shit, and it's keeping me I got no aches and pains and take no pills. You're beautiful, there's no flaco up there where you're at? What's that? There's no flacko.

up there where you're at. Nah, no, I don't, I would tell you something. I had to take this real estate test, I was dying to get some adderol. I couldn't fucking, I was waving $100 bills. I couldn't get a fucking adderone. Forget about flaco. You can't.

There's nothing up here. Yeah, there's a lot of junkies. Yeah, I'm up in Woodstock. So there's a lot of, you know, there's dope if you want to, you know, that shit's me. So, but no, no, we just got bad expensive weed

you know I miss LA and that's that's about the only thing it's uncivil it I can't believe I'm in their woodstock home with the hippies and you know the buying weed is still illegal you know that's amazing yeah how far are you from Long Island

Mike what's that how far are you from Long Island Oh a couple hours You know Wood sucks about two hours north of the city And then you make a left at New York City and you get to the island What kind of car you got now?

I got the Honda CRV that Don Marino I look me up with. Fuck, you live on like a doctor. It's a real car. I drove across the country. I got rid of a miata. Now, the funny thing is you left here when you retired from the car business.

You got a little pension from the Army. You get a little pension from the government. And you went to Woodstock at first to start a band. At 65 years old. Yeah. And you're still with the band. You guys still get together. in your jam. Now you're living with your younger brother. He fishes all day, whatever the fuck

he does. You sit in your room, you do your push-ups. Now, what's your latest venture? You taking your real estate test at 67 years old. Okay, so I'm minding my own business. You know, I get along, but it's like poverty, but, you know, but I don't have, it's enough. You know, I can make it. But, you know, I can't hang out. I can't travel. Anyway, I'm hanging out in front at his guy's office in Woodstock. No, in Kingston. Kingston's the big town. It's a small town.

And I'm standing in front of a real estate office. I'm looking at the pictures in the window thinking like, that house would be nice, and that would be nice if I was going to buy a house. And his old guy comes out, starts talking me in five minutes. He goes, you should get a real estate license. I'm the guy that owns all these brokerages. He's one of the biggest brokers up here. And it's after five minutes.

And I'm going, you know, I'm dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt. I'm going, I go, what do you mean? You don't know anything about me. You know what I've been doing it's 100 years. He goes, I talked to someone for five minutes. I could tell if they could do it. So you've got to get a license.

I said, all right. So I go look to get a license. Basically what it came down to was, I had to take this online course. It took me two months. I just passed it like yesterday, two days ago. But I got me an A, you know, I got a 90.

And I never got a 90 in my life. You know, I was like, I barely got through school. So, yeah, so I passed this. And then he's got an office like Wright and Woodstock, the home of the hippies. And I'm going to go sit there and hustle real estate the way we used to hustle cars, I guess, except, you know, the house can't go anywhere. So, you know, if they like it, you know. It's, I don't know. It's brand new to me, Joey, and I got nothing else to do.

I'm going to lay around and wait. And you're 67 years old. Yeah. And most people your age, and most of the people who listen to this show, and most of the country, worried about Obamacare, but you're making it fucking work for you without fucking Obama or Obama care. Because you, like me, like a few of the fucking select know that, you know what, they can run whatever game they're running.

It don't matter that. We still got to fucking pay cash at the grocery store. And that's what this country forgets. Everybody's caught up in Obamacare, but ain't nobody that's fucking 67 going for a fucking real estate license. Because, Joe, we know that. We know the truth, man. I mean, they think these guys, you know, Obamacare, Obama, Bush,

name any one of these, you know, listen, these people, right, they're all on the same payroll. The Obamacare was written by the pharmaceutical industry and insurance. You know, I ain't playing that fucking game anymore. You know, when I was a kid, doctor used to come to my house. He was in the 50s. Take care of me and my brother, who had either a chicken pops or months. My mother paid him five bucks, and he gave her a prescription,

and she went to the drugs. We didn't have Blue Cross, Blue Shield, blue this, you know. And old people had, no, old people didn't have Medicare when I was a kid. That came in in the 60s. But Medicare, you know, just came in because you had, well, whatever.

We don't want to get into that. But yeah, no, I'm not, I'm waiting around. Amazing. I remember when doctors used to come to my fucking house on 205 West Adiation, Orlando Del Valle. I talked about on the Marin podcast. He used to come to my house, Mike. And before I'd say, I can't see you right now,

he come in and he'd have a drink with my mother and my stepfather. Then he'd come in, he told him when my tonsils were swollen, and I needed a needle, a penicillin shot. And I tell him, let me think about it. And then he loved when I said, let me think about it because he'd go in the limber room and do a bump with my mom and my stepdad. Then an hour later, he'd come back in. He tried to shoot me, and his face would be twisted.

I never forgot this guy. I went to him in the fucking 80s. I mean, he was my family doctor all those years, and I loved him dearly. I mean, he was a funny motherfucker. And in years later, I would see him out of discos and clubs. I mean, this guy was the real fucking deal.

But it was always... But it's amazing. He charged my mother $35. He gave me a shot, and he left my mother a syringe and a bottle of penicillum to shoot me later around when the throat got swollen.

And you didn't have to fill out any fucking paperwork. No paperwork, no fucking dick. And the ones that did make you feel paperwork a month later, you got a check in the mail for $25 for doing the paperwork or something because insurance drew them fucking something. Now, I went to the doctor yesterday.

My fucking copay was $32. I don't get pissed off, but it's getting higher and fucking high. It used to be 15. Now they bill me, so I don't really know what it is. Like my family doctor billed me, so I know what the fuck it is. This was throat, ears, or nose. 32-50 was my fucking co-pay. You know, sooner or later, sooner or later,

people start getting mad enough. But the trouble is, every time people, nobody gets organized, everybody's shit, and they start, and you get these, You know, you get the Fox News and the MSNBC, and they got everybody mad at each other, like, you know, because if they keep everybody mad at each other, nobody's going to get mad at who's really the problem.

You know what the fucking problem is. And you've got enough money, and they don't give a fly. I don't talk with her or not. You like it or you don't like it, because if you don't like Obama, they're going to pay for a... The other guy's on the payroll, too, whoever's running for office. And Hillary Clinton, she's on the payroll. I mean, let me ask you this.

What difference would have made of the other guys? guy with a one right now. Nothing, none whatsoever. Nothing. This bill was written by the insurance companies. They're making out like fucking bandits. And then if they don't let, they're pulling out of some art, like the big companies that pulled out of certain markets in California, they just went, you know, you know,

we don't see a profit here. We've gone. Go fuck yourselves. Go figure out how you're going to pay for a doctor. So, you know, just, it's every other country, you tell everybody, go, go watch that movie, sick. Oh, there's a bunch of it. of the information's out there every other civilized country not communists they

they know that health care is too important to leave in the hands to a bunch of guys that want to like you know a con you know don't want to have a house on the water in Boca Raton what's the name of the documentary sicko sicko yeah I heard about that watch it'll break your heart that the first responders from 9-11 can't get help in New York City he took him to Havana he took him to Havana he took him to Havana and they fucking took care of him for five bucks good doctors too yeah cuba that's what they specialize

as this fucking doctors those fucking Cubans America I don't have to tell you I don't have to tell you Romano no man I looked at those no idea about Cuban let me tell you some I look at these Cubans that come over I look at their teeth

and one was telling me that he got a a fucking thing done in Cuba that 30 years fucking later the tooth was still good who the fuck was telling me this story just recently that when he was a kid in Cuba they did these cavities.

You go watch Michael Moore take a bunch of first responders from firemen, people risk their lives to go in a building and they're all fucking sick, right? You know, there's a bunch of them, they're sick, that can't get taken care of, that lost their jobs, everything else, and Michael Moore had to take them to Cuba,

take them to Savannah to get health care. And these people were breaking down and crying. And he goes to England where he goes, he goes into the doctor, and he goes in a hospital, they check him out for something, and I know he heard he's on, and he goes to the cashier window, and he goes, how much is it?

And he goes, what are you talking about? He goes, well, how much we've got to pay you? And he goes, well, you don't pay me anything. He said, well, you're the cashier. He says, oh, yeah, I'm here if you need money for a cab ride home. Okay, that's England. That's our biggest ally, okay? They're not communists, but they took care of their people.

So anyway, you know what? The whole trick is stay out east thing, you know, Joey, stay we do it best we gave up all the bad habits and now we're going for i'm going for a little money right now because you know we can't do can't do it all i used to do when i needed cash you know too old and it's amazing that i miss you i miss our little rides at night there's two people who understood the ride the ride is basically pick me up uh let's say like last night sons of anarchy ends at 830 you got to pick me up at 847 because i can't put my pants on i'll roll a joint there's no rolling when you're driving around.

Remember, you'd pick me up. We'd smoke a fucking joint. We'd get a soda at 7-Eleven and a hot dog and you'd go home. An hour later. That's the fucking ride. Then there were the good rides and the bad rides. Then with a ride, you took me down to the Lakewood fucking hop

just to pick up 60 bucks and we put somebody together for a $40 gram of Coke and then 20 was for gas. There's no type of rides. But I just miss our simple fucking smoke a joint cut people off type of rides and shit. I'm saying? Well, listen to what we do.

So I get started working on this thing. We'll see what happens. Hey, well, my luck with all this shit, the fucking banks will collapse again. You know, and all of a sudden, nobody's going to buy nothing. But now, that's right. Listen, those people are money.

And you know what? It's like, I'm just not going to live in fear, man. And that's all it is. They want me to either be in the tea party and hate, and hate everybody on welfare, or they want me to be, you know, on the left and hate everybody on the right. You know, we're all fucking people, man Everybody, yeah, people are different, but

But this is American You watch what happens, man We pull our shit together, you know When they fucking bombed 9-11 Everybody, you know, everybody was on the same side Until those motherfuckers exploited it And still fighting that same couple of wars, man You're looking to pick a couple other fights

Because there's big money in it Anyway All I'm saying is, bro, I'm fucking proud of you I'm proud that you're my uncle You're a fucking savage, 67 years old and you're taking your real estate 10 years ago people And you know what's crazy?

You and I have always been fucking aggressive motherfuckers no matter how many lines of coke We did the day before. How many fucking crack pipes or crack Things we broke and I mean it's It's amazing when you're What's the word they used?

Whatever? A functioning addict That's what they call people like you and I Well they're functioning addicts No, we're fucking addicts and our fucking fuel for fucking making money is money. You follow me? Yeah. When you're addicted to something,

there's some people who lay down and who sell their mom's jewelry or little by little they cash out the trust fund. We had to go out and fucking steal for it every day or make a move or work for it, which is... Make a move. Well, there's some ways to steal. But you know what? Listen, I'll tell you.

And that's everybody out of here. What everybody, when people see you, when they see you on a TV show when they see you in a movie what they don't know because it's always like somebody you know people think about overnight sensations I know you have people

following your career for a long time but what they don't know is how I would drive you out to the Inland Empire to work for like 25 bucks to go play a club where you had to go through metal detectors to get in here

I love those clubs remember the one club off the 10 in West that'll know What's the name of West something he's something not he's still Kevina Covina the fucking Safari lounge where you had to walk up the stage It was made of it was made of plywood in two-by-fours and shit Yeah, and and you go up and mostly you have good nights but you know yet they don't have any bad nights you had and remember how many times you want to

You don't know oh fuck it I'm all right I'm gonna go get a job I'm gonna every time you want to get a job in a car store you know it only took you a couple of days to think about it and go, fuck this, you know, because you made up your mind to do something, and the only way it was going to work, the only way you're going to succeed at, something like what you want to do, especially, is to do it full-time.

This is what you do. And like everybody, I'm going to go do, you're a funny guy, you should go do stand-up. Yeah, you know, and they get up there, and they find,

no, every successful buying, every successful comic is a lot of hard work. So, uh, it's one of the most admirable things, and I think, you know,

what the funny thing is, how old are you, motherfucker, and you're just fucking, you're just starting to come into your own 50 and I don't give a fuck I don't give a fuck listen I thought when you were when I was 25 I'd see people who were 50 and I look at them and I'm like that guy's on his path to his grave and you know what I might die tomorrow who knows there's only one guy that knows the answer but in my heart and in my fucking mind I don't see it

I don't even feel bad like I don't even feel bad Mike like I go to fucking gyms I roll around on the fucking floor with young kids they squish me they bend my arms They bend my fucking wrist and jujitsu. You know what, man? I don't even have an age. I'm like a vampire. I don't have an age. Eventually, eventually starts like, eventually there's limits, but that's all right.

You know what? The limits are in your fuck. Yeah, there are limits, but, you know, you can really, you got a lot of leeway with limits, you know. Oh, listen, Mike, I'm 50. You know, I used to see people who were really like limping or they join her. and stuff you know I go to a kettlebell class I always switch up every few months I go to TRX you know I've been slipping with the jiu jitsu lately because the classes but I walk around and I you know walking picking up that little baby she's 20 fucking pounds she's a little

kettle bell my wife I had to take her yesterday for a chiropractor because my wife can't walk picking the baby up and sitting down and so my wife was walking around with a fucking with a strap around her waist like a body building yesterday and I finally took it for the chiropractor the baby's heavy so you know what I move around Mike and you breathe and you drink water and you know what else I do a lot Mike sleep I fucking get my sleep man because that's the most important goddamn thing in the world yep it's just you know it's like I've been sitting there sat in the chair for two months doing this uh this real estate test it's supposed to take two weeks but you know you know me

in a computer so uh but you know you get laid back I'm sorry, and shit. So, you know, you just got to fucking just get down. And, you know, if you don't know how to do it, go take a class somewhere, stretch, twist, use it, you know, get the fuck out there, get some sunshine in your eyeball, you know, and turn off that fucking TV and stop watching that fucking Kanye Kardashian bullshit. You know, who gives a fuck?

You know, it's like, get out there and live, you know. There's a lot of people. I think there might be a change in America coming up. It's got to smell it because sooner or later things are going to get. worse and then people that's what gets people out in the street the last time they got out the street it was a vietnam war that's because they were drafting everybody if they were drafting everybody for afghanistan everybody would be in fucking all the kids would be in the street but they don't give a fuck because they got video games now so you know let some poor motherfucker for some poor

you know somebody else go so uh because there's been another one coming up they need one because you know they got to make money man you know they kind of generate business what you got to do get two people to pick a fight. So, listen, that's so good. Other than that, we've got fall up here in Woodstock, New York, the leaves of orange, it's getting over, and now it comes the wintertime, and that's when I really miss L.A.

Well, I love you, brother. I'm just, I just wanted to show these people that you could do anything the fuck you want at any goddamn age, and they can't stop you, Mike. Mike, they can't stop you. You're one of these motherfuckers that... Lou Reed is dead, and Mike Kessler is still fucking alive. You understand me?

You were walking the fucking village with Lou Reed 20 years ago. Now he's dead singing the oop-de-doop-to-doop-to-to-to-to-to-to-to-to-to the fucking hell. Whatever the fuck he went. And you're still up there in fucking Woodstock, New York, slinging dick like you invented. That's just amazing. That's just fucking baffles me that 60s. When you told me this two weeks ago, I hung up the phone. I'm like, you know what?

And think of all the things everybody's worried about in this world right now in the United States. And look at Mike Kessley. He may have maybe $300 in the checking. If he's lucky, maybe. But he don't give a fuck. I can use 300 right now. He's going to go take his fucking real estate test. I appreciate it, man.

Listen, listen. Hey, is this on the radio? By the way. Yeah, we're on live on you stream. So go check it out. I love you, cucket. Don't forget about me. And I'll keep in touch.

I'll see you at. All right. Bye, Uncle Mark. Hey, say, Harry and a baby. All right, you got it, brother. All right, bye. That guy and me used to fucking, he drove me to get so many Coke rocks.

It's fucking ridiculous. And we did it in like three different states. We snorted blow in fucking New York, Boulder, and L.A. I mean, to have some, and he's 17 years older than I am. Guys, it's, you know, we smoke crack together. I mean, he knew every intimate secret about me. me and I told them everything because you need a friend to move forward.

He drove me the audition for Spider-Man. Really? Oh, my God. Because in those days, I would fall asleep and asleep at me. I was a different fucking human being in the daytime. I was snort and blow until five, you know, and I just some days I was like, Mike, come on, let's go, let's go make some money or something. I would have something to sell or I'd have a couple grams of blow and I'd make them

drive me and I'd give him 30 bucks for gas. It's a different type of friendship. You know, some people have friends and everything is oopsie-dupsy together. You go bowling together, you go eat lunch at a fancy restaurant together. We were struggling, buddies. When you struggle with somebody,

it's weird, the relationship you build. And over the years, you applaud that person. You go, I remember you, remember that time when you had to borrow three bucks to go fucking to that jet? So he got me a job at Accru when I was in the halfway house. I go back with Mike 30 fucking years, 25 years. Now, I was thinking about that,

and I don't want to ask him because, I mean, he must have his reasons. But why wouldn't he just go get a job selling cars? Like, why is he going for his... Something different. Something new, man. A new chapter. You got born.

You know, Lee, you're 25. Yeah. In three years, you're going to come to me when they and go, I don't know, bro. I want to do something. And you're going to tell me. And you don't think I'm going to laugh at you. And I'm going to laugh at you because you think I'm going to laugh at you.

But I already know. Because I can't see somebody. You know, when I first came out of jail and I got it. married. One of the things that spooked me. Somebody once told me, a great man once told me that the worst thing a man could ever do is think because it'll scare the shit out of you.

And I was the king of the thinkers. I thought I was fucking Copernicus. And you know what? Sometimes I get in my head of Lee and I want to fucking shoot myself. But when I was 25 it was worse. When I was 25, I would get in my head so bad that I have to get up, run, and puke.

From just the thoughts going through my stomach. Now I've learned to handle it over the years, you know what I'm saying? But you're going to come to me when they, and go, dog, ever since I was fucking eight, I wanted to play with flowers. I'm going to go, Lee, what are you talking about? You're going to go, Joey, I got $100,000 put away.

This guy's selling a rose farm and calabasas, and I want to see what it's like. You know, I got the money. I want to invest it. And that's how millionaires are born. Because it was something that he loved. You love it. You fucking after eight years.

you looked around the movie business and said, I wanted to do this, but I love to raise flowers or raise pit bulls or raise chihuahuas or raise parrots or what the fuck it is that you want to do. And that's how people, people always look for a way to make money instead of looking for a way of something they love to do

and then the money will come because then the money is easy. They become excellent at that field. So it's just really weird that I always know when somebody's young they're going to come at me because I would have came at you. Do you know how many things I wanted to be when I was 25? How many?

A guitar player? You want me to write them down for you? A guitar player? A brick Mason. A fucking actor. A writer. A fucking race car driver. I wanted to be a priest for a long time.

I wanted to try all these things. But one day I said, well, you know, I'm a piece of shit. I'm going to go to jail. These are the things I'm going to definitely do. When am I going to find time to play the fucking guitar? the comedy thing, I always wanted to try it, but I never thought I would do it because I didn't know if there was a living in it.

At the time, for comics, I didn't know if there was a living. I didn't really know. I didn't really pay attention to it. I bought the fucking albums and I put them on. You know, I bought the fucking albums, but I put them on. That's why I said to you,

when I go do a movie or a TV show now, like next Tuesday, that show's going to be on. I did, Brooklyn Nine-N-N-N-N-N-N-day. Oh, it's next Tuesday. Next Tuesday. I'm sitting there. and I'm looking around and I'm going, who the fuck would have dreamed this when I was at that bar?

When I was at Joe and Marries in 1982, and I was sitting at the fucking bar plotting to go rob that bookmaker in West New York. Okay? Do you think I said to myself, you know, I can't wait until I get back from robbing that bookie because I'm going to take that money, pack my bags, and I'm going to go to an acting class in L.A. Fuck, no.

I never even... So these are things I thought about, but I never really dreamt about, you know? I'm like, it's a big fucking different. So, Lee, I'm telling you, just get ready to enjoy your life. Like most of the people I listen to this fucking podcast, you might come to me when they go, Joey. Man, the landlord came in and he did the plumbing.

That's a fucking great job. I want to be a plumber. I'm going to go work as a plumbies helper and learn the trade. Lee, there's so many. I had a friend that was an engineer. That was amazing. A kid was smarter and fuck. I grew up with him.

And he became a plumber one day. He told him he wanted to become a plumber. And everybody was like, are you fucking kid? This kid wasn't even built like a plumber. This kid didn't have the body to even be a fucking violin player. Never mind a fucking plumber. He's a fucking successful plumber today. They were like six trucks and four employees and his son worked for him.

Well, I'm going through it now because I went through this thing a couple weeks ago with my job where I had to leave on a Saturday night with my girl here. I left her here and I went to work and they changed my schedule. So I've been telling people Because I'm going to start Once this job ends I'm going to start doing Try to do this full time

And people It infuriates me I've had like four or five people When I complained about having it going on Saturday night Or whatever They're like oh well welcome to the Welcome to adult life And welcome to the real world

That's just how it is in every job I'm like why Why do you have like Why does it have to be And it infuriates me I've had four or five people Like say oh you shouldn't You shouldn't give up the TV gig

and that's just how it is and why? Like, why does it have to be? Listen, every job, they don't call it a job because it's fucking easy, okay? They call it a job because it's work.

Mm-hmm. Okay, nobody said every job has its fucking great points and every job has its shitty fucking points. You know, there's times, do you know I hate working locally? Comedy-wise?

Yeah, like, you know, I hate driving two hours to a gate. Oh, okay. The day of the gig, I'm like, what the fuck? What was I thinking? And also I'm like, wait a second. I just took a plane for the last eight fucking weeks.

I would have thought you loved the other stuff. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? It's just different things that we overlook, that we go, look how fucking easy our job is. I don't want to drive fucking two hours. Yeah. Oh, no, trust me. I would hate, see, when you kept saying brick mason or a plumber, that would be a day in hell for me. I wouldn't last four hours.

But it's not that. What about the design of bricks? I always, when I look at the church, I look at the design of the bricks and I go, man, I wish I could do that. Oh, no, I wish I could, but I wouldn't... You ever see a neat fucking church, whether it's a temple, made with bricks, and they make it circle? Oh, I could never... You know what that guy's name is?

No. But I know, you know, that dumb fuck with the mustache on community or on parks on recreation that walks around, Nick Off. I know you know that fucking Jackalph's name. You made that guy so much. I know, you know that Jackalph's name, right? Yeah, no, no, but I'm just saying... It's amazing.

No, no, it's amazing the things we don't know, and the things we know. I'm not making fun of Nick. I'm just saying that it's amazing how those things to me are brilliant. No, but it's amazing how hopefully that guy goes to work. He wakes up every day. He's like, fuck yeah. I'm going to go design a fucking awesome church as opposed to.

I think that's the thing. You have to find a different, you can't get a job because right now I have a job. You have a job, right. I think you're right. I think they don't call it a job because it's fun. I think you have to find something fun. and I put three years in...

But nothing's fun. Nothing's fun. I find this fun. If I had to wake up at 6 for that other thing, I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't have lasted over a year doing it. The thing is,

this, a lot of people wouldn't wake up at 6. A lot of people don't want to have to do the audio stuff or that's, whatever. But the thing, this is fun for me, and I put three years in doing this job and another job, and it's finally gotten to the point where I might be able to stop.

But I think that's, unfortunately, what you have to do. And it kills me. I have a friend who I started out working with who's an editor, who's an amazing cook. He makes his own buffalo wings sauce. He mixes on blue cheese dressing. But he's 30, and he doesn't think he can start being a chef. He thinks he has to, he's put it enough, he's put 10 years into editing, and he has to stick it out, and he hates it.

It's killing him inside. And I think it's... 30 is the person. I mean, this motherfucker Mike Kessler is starting a new career at 67. Yeah. 30 is a fucking kid. Yeah. 40, you're still a fucking kid.

So the guy's just scared because that's a big jump. That's a big jump. And he's making money, hasn't it? Yeah. Because you imagine now he has to get cut. So you have to cut that salary in half for him to make money. But that's if he went to work at a restaurant. what if he took a chance

and started a catering business or a food truck or a food truck on the weekends just on the weekends why he edits he tells the editing job listen I got a fucking grandmother who's coming from Slovakia and she's missing a leg I got to push her around

the car on a fucking day on Fridays whatever and then on Friday he prepares and every Saturday and Sunday he goes to a different event just to try it out on his own nickel and when he sells out he sells out he doesn't overcook, he buys enough, but when he sells out, he sells out.

That's what I'm talking about, that we have to take what we have and use it to our best ability. That guy probably has a mortgage. He probably has a wife. He probably has a kid. You know, it's not feasible for him to just make the career jump. But if you're 30, living the home of your mother

in the basement, playing fucking games. You know what, bitch? You got nothing to fucking lose. No. You got nothing to lose. And that's the reason why I got into comedy and did the things I did at that age because I was either going to end up

fucking being, right now, I'm a 40% loser. I would have been a fucking 100% loser. Zero. When you have zero going on. At least now, I've made it to have 50% of action in my life. I haven't accomplished the things that I want,

like maybe to be an author, maybe to be a fucking astronaut or something like that. But as far as a loser and a productive member of society, I'm at like 40. I pick up papers, I'm nice to do. children I feed cats on the street you know I'm saying I try to be honest with people I use my fucking blinkers yeah I'm polite to people I say good morning if

they don't want to say good morning back is on fucking then I said good morning I gave them the touch of love they don't want to love me back then fuck them then they don't love themselves so that's all you could do in the morning I fuck around on Twitter but before I leave I say have a fucking beautiful day because I want everybody to be touched and I want them to touch me with their fucking love so this shit works out so we build the shield so the fucking nobody could give us the bad eye. No motherfucker to give us the stink eye if you come to the member of the

church every day because we open up but we love you. We open up with, hey man, it's great to fucking see you. You know, somebody's to ask this morning, do you hate, I don't hate nobody at 8 in the fucking morning. You know who I hate? It ain't in the morning? Who? Nobody.

You don't think about it. I think about it. The air conditioning guy, the guy who went back to sleep at me machine. Anyway, let's get this party started. Let me tell you something. I'm feeling smooth today. I shared. You know what? More and more every day I get impressed with Hon. I thought that...

Dollar Shave Club. Every day, more and more I get impressed with Dollar Shave Club. I'll tell you why. Because at first I was leaving hair around my lips and shit like that because I wasn't using it right. And then I got the full patois of the fucking thing. Dollar Shave Club is the best value going for the money. You don't have to get up no more.

You don't have to go down to the fucking store and stand behind some fucking chooch, handing and change, waiting for a fucking receipt, No, no, you don't have to do dick. What you got to do is go to joey dears.net. Prick on the link. What do you preference? Church.

Church, C-H-U-R-C-H. And fucking pick a package. A dollar a month, $6 a month, or $9 a month. You want to buy some extras? Knock yourself out. I wouldn't go anywhere without one white fucking Charlie's. I got them in my fucking bag. I got them in my suitcase.

I don't use them every day because you don't want... Maybe there's days where you don't want your ass all to smell like mint. You want that natural fucking uproix. From the muffler. You see what I'm saying? Go to Dollar Shave Club. Go to joey dears.net. Pressing the fucking box church

and start today on your fucking deal with Dollar Shave Club, all right? And while you're at it, why you're on Joey Deers. Not net, why you got to fucking think about it. You might as well go to Hulu Plus. The best value out there. I'm giving you two weeks for free.

Gratis, UGatz, free. Nothing. A dollar. Nothing. Nothing. Keep it. Put it in your pocket. I don't want it.

In two weeks, you give you $7.95. a month, and that's it. That's $8 a fucking month, basically, to watch unlimited television shows right at you, wherever the fuck you want on a plane, on a bus, while you're taking up the ass at work, you fucking can look off your fucking phone.

That's how fucking great Hulu Plus makes it for you. Go to joeydeers.net, but you'll be already there because you already ordered fucking Dollar Shave Club, so now you might as well go, what the fuck. If you're walking on ice, you might as well dance. Joey, I love you too much.

Bam! gonna get Dollar Shave Club and Hulu Plus and fuck it keep scrolling then you got on it Then you're gonna go to me Joey why you up and hollering up and jumping up and down and so energetic at 7th morning because on it got me there this morning the assaye shake vanilla with a little fucking glucose whatever in it I had some fucking cornflakes bang look at Uncle Joey the tithies are tightening up for the holidays That's gonna take that pill so the fucking estrogen goes to my fucking helmet and my nuts sacks packs up anyway so that's what I'm giving you I'm giving you Hulu Plus, I'm giving you fucking Onit, and I'm giving you, and what's the code name for Onit? For Onet's

Church. Now listen, I'm going to be honest with you people. I get a little taste if you guys get something only the minerals. I don't give a fuck. On it, so it has so many fucking good things. If I was you, get on the kettlebell program, buy that 20 fucking 4 pounds and start swinging, go online,

they got a DVD. On it is happening. It's the future. You know when you go to a fucking supermarket and they got all these vitamins? Those people dinosaurs on it it's what's working for 2013 that's what I'm giving you today Wednesday November 6 motherfucker oh you know what Friday is what the anniversary of my mother's death but I found it on the kitchen fucking floor sure it is wait so 80 what did you find 79 70 30 fucking four years ago like a soldier maybe even 35 but who

the fuck's count just to let you motherfuckers know all right and I you know what I'm doing Friday I'm working I'll be in North Carolina eating barbecue you licking the fucking North Carolina off my fingers, you know what I'm saying? Call and Lee and saying, smell my finger over the iPhone, bitch. Wait until they make that app. Smell my finger app. You can finger

somebody in the asshole, go on your phone, click that number. Oh, geez. Smell your phone. Guess what it is. It's an asshole. That's right. See you later. Get to work on it. That's the Joey Dia's fucking app. I know that's somebody that listen to this podcast, but put that app together. So that's what I got for you. That's

it. What the fuck, Lee? What are you going to have, ribs or brisket? What's your barbecue? Oh, a brisket type of do. I like the brisket. I like the little pork tight ribs. I don't like my ribs juicy with fucking fat hanging off. Oh, okay. I don't like that shit. I got to work out today. I can't work out tomorrow, but I got to work out Friday and

Saturday. I'm back Sunday. We're back at this motherfucker next week, Monday, and Wednesday. And that's it, guys. I don't know what else to fucking tell you. The message of the day is Mike Kess is 67 taking a real estate exam, and you're fucking worried about Obamacare. You know what I'm saying? You think Mike

He asked his way about her mama can. No. You know why? Because he doesn't think that way. He could give a Frenchman's fuck. When he gets sick, he'll take care of it. That's why I advise for you guys if you're fucking 25 sitting there with a finger up your ass. Do I play War of Lord or fucking, what's the other game where they chase cars and shit?

Grand theft auto. Grand theft auto. Play fucking life. That's what you play. Get out there in the car, hotwire it. Take the cops for a fucking ride. Jump off the fucking thing. These fucking idiots, they go back and forth.

The cops chasing. You plan your fucking thing. If you're going to have the cops chase You're planning And you get like a fucking lake That's how to do it And you fucking drive And you put the brace on

You jump off the fucking car And the eyewitness can't get you You go under the lake The helicopter uses you You have a boat waiting for you So wait You just want to have the cops chasing Sure

When was the last time the cops chase you Never Okay that's the problem Never You put it down like it's bad Yeah Okay So if a cop puts a fucking

light on you. You pull right over? There are rap songs that have the by the sirens in it. I have a heart attack every time I look around. Yeah. Oh, I've been pulled over like three times.

You don't take them for a ride for like an extra block until they say, pull over. Oh, no. Oh, you have to one time. Let me tell you, I was driving back from L.A. to Boston after I interned here and I was in New Mexico, and it's really flat. I was in a fucking station wagon. And I was one stop away.

from getting lunch and I saw in like the median where it's like just grass in the middle of the country and I saw a cop I looked down I was doing fucking 90 because it's flat and no one's there so you don't even notice he pulls out and I'm like fuck

I'm gonna get a fucking ticket and I passed by an exit and I was like fuck should I look at this guy bang on the glass time to go fuck himself for the neighbor probably wake him up every morning but I think should I fucking try to run.

Jesus. The fuck you guys. Oh, this poor neighbor's I'm sorry. But I was thinking, should I try to run? Like, I was like, if I went down that exit, like, it was perfect. If I'd gone down that exit and tried to hide,

I might have been able to hide. But he pulled me over, and I was so fucking nervous. I was dressed like I am today in gym shorts. He asked me if I had military training because I was like, fucking shit. I was amped. I was shaking.

Like, it's so nervous. nervous when I got pulled over. I would never ever run or go for an extra mile. I would stop right there. It would petrify me. Sometimes, once I had to cut one time I went to pull me up. I told him, go, keep going.

Go around me. He was pissed. No, you didn't. Yes, I did. I fuck around all the time. About 30 years ago, North Berger and we told this. Go around me. Go around me. You're sitting there like a fucking Bumpy.

Following me like some fucking MPI agent kick your life together. Fucking MoMo. What's that music you got on from before? Hit me with that B-52 is I'm going to get fired up. I got to drive home and cut Asians off. Oh shit, when that guitar? Will he kick that motherfucker?

A little B-52's 1980 debut album, one of my all-time favorite. Look at the guitar. Hit it Lee! That's how loud as it goes, me? That's as loud as it goes me? Oh shit. You can't talk. Cut it, cutting it.

Surfboards. Rocking. Rooving. Paking potatoes. Picking in the sun. Here we go, Lee. Put on your... Oh shit.

Pass the tanning butter. Crank that shit, Lee. Bang. I'm going to have to go home and take that quail in the jaw. You're fired up today. Put that fucking thing on. Nobody's a lot. Loud.

Loud. Crank that shit. Tuesday to 6 November. Beauty and the Beast, R-I-P. Here we go. Kicking Lee. What? Are you fucking kidding me?

Get the fucking... get the turban. Rock. What? Rock. What? Rock. Oh shit, I can't stop shaking. I'm like that little kid and fucking T-M-M-M-E-Zumi.

You're never playing Rock Lobster again I didn't really that would take off It sets me off like fucking curly In The Three Stooges That episode

Wouldn't even smell Wild Heisen And just smack people And the fuck man I gotta fire people up I'm not gonna see you To Wednesday This weekend

Raleigh North Carolina In all surrounding areas I advise you to come down We're gonna be fucking fired up Lee can't come He's on probation He can't go to North Carolina I'm coming in solo

Next weekend Strong Island Governors Are you kidding me One show first Friday 2 on Saturday, you motherfuckers better come down with cakes and bazookas and ugat sauce and spaghetti sauce and everything. And the week after I'm with my main man, Joey Falado, and St. Louis Mo!

At the fucking old rock house or some shit like that. Go to my website. Joey Dears. What is it? Dotnet. Dot net. Click on for the fucking date. Get tickets on date. Get the tickets for the T-shirt.

Get Hulu Plus. Get fucking Dollar Shave Club. Get something from... I don't give a fuck what you get from my... They get a jump rope, but they're here to help you. That's what I'm trying to say. What else, Lee? That's all you're going to tell you.

Did I give shoutouts today? No. Oh, fuck. Dania, you bad motherfucker. I don't hate Arabs. Jackson Roy Lewis Jr. How many fucking names you got for a fucking black guy? Get it together.

Steve Lewis, bad Andy. I love you. Nick Magneto, you bad motherfucker. Matt Ziles. Steve Lubber. And my man, Ron Cooper. He's a new fucking listener. So we got to hook him up.

you know what I'm saying and that's it what can I get three weeks away from Thanksgiving oh yeah you're gonna send your father the Denny's you're gonna take it to the Mexicans no no we're gonna go somewhere nice when we're gonna take that poor man you gonna give him a pocket

I'm gonna come over we want to do a special podcast Thanksgiving morning all three of us get fucking yoked up we eat some fucking edibles we'll do some heavy duty and we'll tie him up leave him with a chair and smack them what you think

what's the last time he tied your father left in the dark room The last time you gave him medibles We didn't do shit I don't get the fuck out You have a great fucking weekend Hopefully I'll see you in North Carolina We'll be back Monday at 6 a.m.

I had a great fucking thing Wednesday but this fucking guy can't do the afternoons now I'm going to kick him in the stomach Because he's got his job for two more weeks now When's your last day of work, Cots? Next Friday. That's it? Yeah

Yeah. And then we could do a daytime one on Wednesday, November 22nd. I could do one next Wednesday. Don't fuck with me because I fucking stand. No, I can do one. That's what he told me. I like the one with Tom Rose. We could do that all the time.

All right. So I call some guy, I got Brody. I can't do Wednesdays after working. What the fuck? But I need your Monday because we've got to meet that chick. You can't take Monday on Wednesday. I don't want to do that. I'm not taking them off.

I can go in an hour late. You could? Yeah. All right. You're going to get jealous. Did you order the robe yet with the Yamacana? I'm not. Well, we were in Costco.

I was in Costco with a mom when we passed my robes, and she joked around. She was like, I'm going to get you this robe. I said, fuck you. I'm not getting a robe. Get your robe, and then we're going to fucking put a yarmulka in and call it the flying fucking juke. Are you kidding me? Have a great weekend. Be safe.

Tell somebody you love them until they make their motherfucking day. What are you going to play for me? I'm going to play some two-paw. All right. Let's fucking play this motherfucker. Oh, shit. Let me just give me high by association. Now that the show's over,

don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus let you spend on thousands of hit shows. Anytime, anywhere, on a DV, PC, smartphone or tablet. A BP. Would you say BP? DV or PC? A BP? No PeeP?

Just C. C. D, D, D, Tee. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to HuluPus.com slash Joey. Or just go to JoeyD.S.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. and don't forget to sign up for dollar shave club.com you'll get high quality razors sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollar shave club.com slash church

or just go to joey dyes.net and click on the dollar shave. And get your shit together.