The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 11/11/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #126

Episode Date: November 11, 2013

Joey Fellato calls in with some hilarious stories. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Streamed live on 11/11/2013.

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or just go to joey diaz.net and click on the dollar shave club banner. Oh shit. Oh shit. Monday, November 11th, motherfucking veterans day. Salute these motherfuckers while you hold your cock out of respect. Are you kidding me or what? I was on a plane yesterday. Stone to the gills coming back from Dallas to fucking L.A.

And on my eye fucking top pod, whatever that Lee put he put on this album, dirt. and I was half in a coma, stone to the gills with my eyes closed. Wolverine was on. The movie Wolverine? Uh-huh. And I'm half asleep. And this fucking song comes on.

And I'm like half into this fucking, like, Rifa coma. And all of a sudden I start listening to this motherfucker and I forgot how great of a fucking jam this is. Check this out. Blast this motherfucker here. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Are you kidding me? Or what? Break out the syringe, the reef of the vitamin C, the flu shots. Rub her feet with fucking Bengay. Do what you got to do. Crank that, motherfucker, Lee. All fucking circuits, blast. I want smoke coming out of the fucking speakers.

That's how loud this should be right now. Kick it, Lee. Kick it. Are you kidding me or what? Good morning. Welcome to the church of what's happening now. Lee Syatt, Mad Flavor, aka Joey D. is here. Serving you motherfuckers. Veterans Day. It's a beautiful day to be alive. What's happening, baby?

No, you're all fired up. Fired up. It's Veterans Day. If I had a cannon, I'd fucking shoot it. If I had an M.80, I'd drop it right now. And I'm fucking right in the street on Ventura. Fuck it. I'd be scaring Asians. I don't give a fuck. Who's outside? Somebody's out there. Knock on the window. Say hello. What's happening, people? It's a beautiful day to be alive Monday, October, November 11th. You got fucking five weeks before Christmas and you're sitting there scratching your fucking head like a spruits. Get up, wash your feet. wash your pussy do what you need to do

get out of the house somebody's got your fucking money in their pocket you understand me that's a good way of looking at that that's how a Jew looks at it so a Jew wakes up in the morning somebody has got my fucking paper in their fucking wallet today and I'm going to get it without a gun and that's it that's the way it is

how was your weekend little fucking it was good just saw the girl for one day on Saturday and then just hung out here so it was nice it was nice and relaxing you love her yeah I like I like that you're in love. I can see it in your face.

You look more handsome than ever. When you're going to put some gel in your fucking hair, Cocks a minute. When I get hair to put it in. And you went for a little walk yesterday. Yeah, I went to... After we talked on the fucking phone. Yeah, I don't think it was a mile, but yeah,

just move... That's all. That's fucking it. And you breathe some pollution. You got some of your lungs. You know, you're in L.A. It's not like this fresh air. You got to be honest with yourself.

I mean, when we landed yesterday, I could see, you know, it's one of those days yesterday. Yeah. You could see the fucking coat of just dust. and moonshine and fucking just it's disgusting. I can't even imagine what's in that air

and I don't want to know. At this point, what are you going to do? I got one foot in the grave, one of a banana peel, what am I going to do? And North Carolina was amazing. When you wake up in the morning, North Carolina, you go outside and breathe.

Jesus fucking Christ. And Morley, the people were so sweet and so nice. Thursday night I ate death. I just bombed, you know, and then Friday and Saturday shows progressed. Charlie Goodnight, it's a good club. It's under new ownership. You know, this guy's taking it over that owns the Heliums,

and that motherfucker knows it on a rock a club. That's the best menu in the... I mean, fucking Helium in Portland had a Cuban sandwich, a panini that was tremendous. The salad was tremendous. And I'll tell you what else. I fucked up in Portland. I never told nobody this.

What? I had ranch dressing. Oh. By mistake. And I got to tell you something. Not ranch the shit that you guys get, that country ranch on a bottle of gut shit. They had tater tots on the menu.

And to marry, the Polish chick, ordered some tater tots. And it came with this red dressing. Yeah. Right? So it was like flaming red pepper ranch. That was the name of it. Like red peppery ranch or something.

It was delicious. I couldn't even tell it was ranch. That's how good it was. I hear in Buffalo, New York, which I'm going to be up there January, fucking 9th, rocking fucking Canadian border like a savage. They got an Italian restaurant tied into it.

So that's wings and fucking gubots sauce and the whole thing. I can't fucking. Oh, you're going to have a heart attack. None of them. I've been very good lately, man. I only have a lot. a little bit of brisket. I only had a couple ounces of brisket and a salad.

You know, I'm going to lighten up on the meat a little bit. I'm off the testosterone. You know what, man, that was a fuck-up I made. I listened to a lot of fucking people. You know, I became a sheep on that situation because a lot of people told me I was getting older. I should be on testosterone. I told my family doctor.

And my family doctor is like, what, are you fucking crazy? You just got your wife pregnant. You don't need testosterone. But now in this country, if you're down, like, a certain level on the testosterone, they prescribe it. I read the article the other day, how it raises. the stroke level raises your chance of getting a heart attack.

I got to tell you, man. It does? Yeah, you know what? Oh. I felt a little, in D.C., I had a headache for two days. That was mind-blowing. I didn't know what was going on. I talked about on the podcast, and I also, there was a lot of differences I was having.

I was having a lot of anxiety. I don't have anxiety no more without the testosterone. No, one away, boom. When I breathe now and I'm having a hard time, you know, I watch Blue Jasmine on the way two Blue Jasmine was on in the plane. Yeah. The movie with Andrew Dice Clay and, A bunch of people.

It was great. But the chicken there said that when she stops breathing, she holds her breath, she panics. And you get anxiety. That's the same shit that happens to me. Stephen Kepling and his email had a whole thing about when you do Jiu-Jitsu. You hold on to your breath. I do the same thing with everything. Sometimes when I walk upstairs, I hold my breath.

You know, without even knowing. So you have panic attacks. I was getting them more often. Like when I was getting off planes, and I'm walking off the ramp. You're sitting down for four fucking hours. Yeah. When you walk off that ramp, you breathe heavy. I was getting panic attacks.

Yes, and I walked like a fucking savage. So it works for some people, and it didn't work for my body. And you know who told me Justin Fortune, the trainer, down in Justin's gym. He's training Pachia now for the next fight. Oh, fuck. Yeah, he's the strength and conditioning coach. And he told me, he goes, you know what? Disipinate testosterone doesn't work for body types like yours and minds.

We're a thick little, he's a thick little Italian-Australian guy. And he goes, you're a thick little fucking Cuban. And all of that shit never worked for me. Like even as a kid, the steroids, I just, so, you know, I just got off. And I got to tell you, I feel just as good. I went. I'm still using the hem force protein from on it, but I'm putting glutamine, this thing that helps recuperate your muscles and shit.

I'm still doing the kettlebell things. I'm going to go to there at 9.30, and I'm going to go Wednesday. So it's just amazing that. And when I had Dr. Bredici on, I got a lot of negative emails from people about testosterone. I should really look into it before I've done. for the doctor, and they were right. They were right, you know. And for me, it didn't work.

It might work for other people, people. You know, and in this country, it's like, they always do tests with those fake pills. What do you call those? Oh, uh, maybe Liz, or whatever the fuck they call them, like, when they put you a survey. Yeah. And I think that a lot of that shit is just mental sometimes.

A lot of it is. I'm surprised. I think so. I really fucking think so, man. Because it didn't fucking work for me. Like, I feel, you know what me? I'm energetic every fucking morning. I feel like stabbing a motherfucker at white.

whitening a shower once I kick in that shower and my mind starts kicking you're fucking done that's with with testosterone without testosterone with blow without blow that's the way I've always been so the recuperation I'm fucking 50 guy you know what do we expect from a 50 year old to be a fucking bodybuilder with the correct people around them what not yet I could do a ton of shit I try to work out four days a week but now I feel a little better I don't my neck's not hurting no more I was getting a lot of neck pain from the blood pressure and stuff Okay.

So, you know what, man? You live and you fucking learn. Never again will I be a sheep and listen to, you know, and then I read this article that came out. A lot of people even tweeted it to me. And it said that, you know,

from 2010 to 2000 now, testosterone prescriptions have triple, sure, because all I got was horny. I was getting the worst fucking thoughts everly. Like, I was getting some sexual fucking thoughts. I never had before. I was thinking they'd go to massage parlors and fucking Chinese women.

You know, I was always fucking horned up. I had a whack-off. eight fucking times a day. So that's the only thing it did. So what it tells me is that it's America at work again. It's some fucking politician that said fucking passed the law, because he's getting sucked and fuck at 80.

And look at my uncle. My uncle did it for 30 fucking years. He's not too good right now. Once you fuck with your hormones, man, that's kind of... Because as you were saying, I'm like, it's weird because it's all anyone talks about and they have all the commercials now. So it's like, it can't be...

It has to work for some people. But then I was thinking, because before I started dating this girl. I had, not all the time, but like, I had some boner problems. Like, every once in a while it wouldn't work. And I was like, well, now that I'm with this girl that I'm comfortable with, it's fine. Like, there's no, there's no problems at all. So maybe, like, the ED is all mental. So I think maybe it was mental for me. Maybe it was just, maybe all that stuff

is, is mental. I mean, it has to work for some people. I think some people just need that extra thing to have, like, that blanket. You know, I've never needed that fucking blanket because I never had one, so I don't understand the psychology of it. It just didn't work out for me. It didn't make me feel any fucking better. It didn't give me all the energy level. Listen, I always want to fuck my wife. There's not a day. When I look at her moving around, I see the kid, I want to give her a stab and it's all the fucking time. You know what I'm saying? I don't need, and that's why I got her pregnant when I was 49 and she was 43, 42.

So, you know, I think that some drugs are meant for some people and some just aren't, you know, but I'm happy I'm off it. I feel a lot better. You know, I've given the possibility. the break. I've given the bread a break. I've given the butter's a break. You know, I gained a lot of fucking weight on that testosterone. That testosterone was to help me fucking lose weight. It made me fucking hungry. I was hungry

and horny constantly. And I eat, since I wasn't fucking, you know, my wife's just had the baby. One of me had to give her a stabbing three times a fucking day. The baby's around, you know. So it was, I'm happy, I'm happy. And after I read that article and some people sent me some journals

and shit, I feel a lot better. So I want to thank the church community for helping me out because we're all in this together man you know yesterday when i got back from the airport i had josh wolf in the car yeah he was on the plane with me carloska uh barry diamond from how the movie uh bachelor party with tom hanks was there he's he's one of the comics that was on you know we weren't all working together but when i was driving back with josh wolf we spoke on the phone you and i said to you what are he doing you said nothing i go outside take a walk you know it's a beautiful thing go get some sending him i call back of you i just got back and it was nothing you i just got back and it was

Nice. You felt good. Yeah. Even if you went and get a chicken terriaki, at least you're walking. You get some circulation. You know, I was thinking about acupuncture and how, again, another thing that doesn't work for a lot of people. But it worked for me because I think for me, you know, where acupuncture came in, it helped my nervous system recover from the cocaine addiction in 27 years because I was getting the spine. I was getting these jolts in my fucking, fucking, towards the end of my cocaine addiction. At the end of the night, I would get these electrical fucking jolts in my fucking spine.

Jesus, goodness. Just getting executed by Vietnamese people and taxi drive, whatever that fucking movie is. And even my ankles were swollen. You know, when we're big guys, you've got to check your ankles. That's how you know if your blood, your circulation. That's why I always say, you know, do bridges and put your legs up. I didn't know this until I was 40.

My fucking legs wouldn't even, my legs were just one, you know. And you have to get your ankles. That's the circulation, you know. So water and walking around. And that's why I think acupuncture helped me. that it got my circulation in order, and the cupping and all that shit. And it also got my fucking central nervous system.

What's all this health talk today? I don't know. Let me tell you some. I smoke some good weed in North Carolina. Oh, shit. Some fucking dude. Did they grow there? Yeah, in the mountains.

He gave it to me Friday, and it was weird because I smoked it before the second show. And I was so fucked up when I went on stage, like the lights were even, like, I had an edible in me. I ain't got a lie to here, but it. And then I smoked it. I left it there, and I had my own weed in my room. And when I went back to the club to Charlies, I fucking smoked again.

And God damn, that weed was strong. I had one joint left of it. And I smoked it before the plane. Because I took a connecting flight. Because a lot of these cities now don't have direct flights until late. But I had to get the fuck out of there. So I had to go from Raleigh to Dallas and then Dallas to. But the only good thing about Dallas is, again, if you're a fat fuck like me, they had barbecue.

I didn't eat it yesterday. because again, I'm trying to lighten up with them. I've been eating a lot of salmon lately, too. People say salmon's good, and I've been eating it. I can't get into, of course, but I just can't get into salmon for some reason. There's two types of the ones that make in the fucking river. People don't like that. That's kind of fucked up.

I worked at a seafood restaurant, and the farmed one, they put in, like, an orange dye and make it look like the fresh salmon. I mean, I'm not a health person, obviously, but that's kind of weird that they're like, make it look good, but it's like, gray when they first catch it which is kind of weird That's fucking weird But we

I kind of want to talk about this Because I have two cousins in the military Okay So today's veteran Like I was thinking about it Because they have all those videos on CNN Of Soldiers coming home

And I feel bad Because my one cousin Has like a two year old daughter And she has to She has to give the kid To the dad for a couple For like six months They're sending her over

I don't think it's Iraq or Afghanistan But it's like one of the Middle Eastern For six months or a year and she her kid's two years old and like what they're they're moving out of the area so like she has to take apart the base so they don't have internet or phone over there anymore so she's going to be over there for at least six months can't talk to her kid and i was thinking about it like not like not to mention just infantry but i don't think i could do anything in the military i think i would last about eight minutes and it's just uh like could you do it because

you had talked about wanting to join the army me you know I had this conversation Friday night at the club there was some nice gentleman at the club uh he had been two tours or three tours of iraq or something he was saying real nice fucking guy bought me a pitcher of beer afterward I forgot his fucking name and I'm really sorry about that I know you listened to the podcast but you were a gentleman you and your friend were fucking funny as shit and it's you know uh for years it was well known that bruce lee wanted what steve mcqueen had and steve mcqueen wanted what bruce lee had it's so funny like you're never happy in thine own self

Oh, we got to call for that. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. How you doing, my man? It's my little brother. Joey, Philot. Joey, let me tell you something. I was honestly thinking about this.

You know, when my, and I'm going to tell you right on the fucking podcast, you live in St. Louis, and my agent contacted the funny bone in St. Louis, and they passed on me. They said, fuck Joe Diaz. And then there was another club. They contacted close to it. And they told my agent, fuck Joey Diaz. and I felt bad because I really wanted to go see you and your new life.

And you're the fucking main reason I'm going to St. Louis next week with the fucking other Jew, Ari Shafia, and I can't wait and shit. I can't fucking wait. You bring you another flying Jew with you? I'm bringing the other flying Jew. Ari Shafia.

Oh, my God. I don't know how good he is, but I can't wait. St. Louis is going to be an uproar, baby, when you come. Let me tell you, I'm bringing everybody here. I'm bringing up. All right. Ari Shafia is an honorary.

Shafia is an honorary. North Bergen, dude. He's even eating at chance. That's how deep Irish should fig us. Like this flying Jew here. With the poop-poo platter. Once you eat a chance, you're an official fucking North Burgundy's. That's how we do it. So he's eating. Those poo-poo platters were great. You remember them? Oh, with the fucking egg rolls,

with spare ribs. Oh, yeah, with those other drinks. What were those drinks that everybody used to make down there that used to kill you? The fucking zombo. The zombie. And the guy's name of the bartender was Frank, a Howard or something. and he had like a white name and he was trying

and it was real close to the city so you did one zombie and the next thing you know you want 179 picking up a fucking g-bo and back to the fucking you would leave

you could leave and make it back to chance in 25 fucking minutes in those days on the bridge the bridge was right there oh my times you drink some zombies

oh and then you go right over the bridge and 178 that's all the bottom you know how many times I went up to chance going to that I'm not going to get high

I'm going to go up there eat shrimp and lobster sauce. And every time I'd be in there by myself, somebody from North Bergen will walk in, see me, send me over a fucking zombie, and it was all over. Next thing you know, I'm on 178 talking to fucking poodo about the fucking Jamo-

You know, it's a fucking sucks you in, man. People are listening right now. You guys don't understand from where we come from. It's just, it's the undertow. It just sucks you right back in, baby. They're all doing the same shit. You know, still today, I bet you. They're drinking zombies and eat poop.

I just want to educate these motherfuckers. Tell these motherfuckers what you're cooking for Uncle Joy when he comes to St. Louis. Oh my God. We're doing a down-home New Jersey chicken cutlet, mashed potatoes, a little red beans and rice. Oh, Puerto Pican style, and then we'll get the, and then we'll throw in the American, uh, what is that, uh, rice oroni. Oh, shit. The chicken color will be double-bredded, fucking Vigo, egg, oh, nice and thick. You don't know about it's chicken colors for us. Now let me let's tell these motherfuckers these people. It's 2013 in 1982 before Larry Holmes fought the white guy. Remember we watched it in your garage. Jerry Cooney. Jerry Cooney. That was the great right hope. And your mother made your mother Carmelah made

two different types of chicken cutlets for us. She made the ones dipped in flour and the ones dipped in fucking breadcrumbs like a motherfucker. You got a double bread. You got a double bread. You got a double Breedham. Science. Science, motherfucker. I can't wait for you to come. St. Louis. Every day I get somebody hit me up from St. Louis or the area of Chicago, fucking Milwaukee. Like, Joey, we're taking a road trip down. We just bought two tickets, so I can tell it's going to be fucking crazy.

I can tell. Oh, fucking beautiful. I'll be here picking you up from the airport. We'll do whatever we got to do, and then we'll just head right down to the club. Listen, we're smoking everything. We're smoking bazookas. fucking do soot-so-lut sticks. Hold on. Hold on. I'm going to have to go to the bad tune

if you're talking about bazookas. We're eating chibo chooze. We're eating the fucking gummy bears. We're getting an anti-Galores 500 million-gland brown. When I went out by you a couple of years ago and you got me all those edibles, man. They were fucking unbelievable. And that was old technology.

That's like if you have an iPhone now, like if you have a phone now, if you had a phone now from 1982 and you went out somewhere, How big would it look? That's like the shit you weighed four years ago. That's like a bag phone. That's nothing now. Yeah, that's nothing now. I remember I bought a phone for him for 600 back in like 1988.

And it was fucking huge. I thought I was so cool. And shit, what is that stuff? Hey, the other day we had our brother call up. He's coming up. I almost haven't come to St. Louis. I'm going to ask him again this week. Oh, my God.

Who's that, Danny? Danny B wins. I'm going to try to come to St. Oh, my God. I would love to see him. I haven't seen Danny since my day for Big Lou. That's what he was saying. And so he was talking about Big Lou on the radio on the podcast the other day,

and two days later, fucking Big Lou called him. So he says, next time you have Falado on there, tell him to tell you a Big Lou story and shit. Oh, my God, Big Lou was, he was the man, Big Lou. You know, I mean, a lot of times we hung out with Big Lou. Now I met him, Cokes. I met him playing flag football. Now, picture this.

This guy is 6'7, 260 pounds, and he was the center. And I'm 5'4, $2,200. 20 pounds and I was the middle guard. And I was like, I'm going to kick your ass, big boy. So he liked me ever since that time. And then I didn't know he was a career criminal. It was fucking beautiful.

You know, we did a lot of shit with Big Lou. Now, he was also Muhammad Ali's boxing. Oh, yeah. He fought. He fought Muhammad Ali. He fought. He fought Muhammad Ali. I mean, if you look him up, I mean, he was serious. He was a no nonsense guy. But do you remember a guy from the

Miami Dolph is called AJ Dewey. Yeah, fuck yeah. Okay. He used to impersonate AJ Dewey all the time. So I don't know if you remember back in, like, the late 80s when they had like, I think the Palladium had like all these, like,

Z-100 had all these, like, Z-100 parties. Hell yeah, I remember that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even before I left Z-100. He called up and impersonated A.J. Dewey. He got six VIP tickets. For me, Rago, Bianculo, Russo,

uh clagg couple of us and we went to the stadium and he was so we all get in now we're partying with lisa lisa the colt jam the fat boys run dmc and shit and we were drinking champagne because everybody thought he was a miami dolphin's football player he had no idea or anything about the miami it was so fucking funny coco that people were asking him questions that he was looking down to me and i'm like yeah you did this and he would answer the question and shit oh my god it was so many good times for Big Lou. So, no, no, no, I'm really excited. Like, this week, I'm in Long Island.

Danny will come up and some Northburyville. Long Island will be fucking crazy this week. But I know St. Louis the fire. And you know what? I'll tell you what. I'm having a great fucking time doing this. I really am. You know, what, everybody listening to the podcast,

I got a lot of people here at St. Louis listening to it. I told you, I had a, one, I'm a finance manager, this car dealership, and I have a little sales and it works for me. He's in the military. And I had your podcast on one day. He goes, oh, my, I know that guy. Everybody listens to him overseas. He's got the best podcast over in Iraq.

Everybody's listening to you. Well, that's why I opened up with the fucking rooster today. Out of respect it on my Twitter, I said it today. Much love to fucking veterans and the services. Keep shooting motherfuckers and keeping it safe. Yeah, yeah. Keep shooting motherfuckers. About the Big Roos story when we went to California?

No. Oh, my God. But, you know, Danny's cousin lived out there. What's his name? You know, the guy that he did. with the Jay, Jamo or something like that? Yeah, yeah, Jaymo and Greg. Yeah, yeah.

You remember Danny back in the late 80s, moved out to California, and he was sending in the weeds. Remember he was sending in the weed to us? Absolutely. He was sitting in 40, 50 pounds at a time through Newark Airport. Unfucking believe. So Danny moved back in, back home,

and then we hooked up with Big Lou, and we started doing some things with Big Lou. So we were like, we needed a score. What kind of score are we going to get? Danny goes, let's go take down Jamo. We go like, okay. All of a sudden, Danny starts setting it up, he starts calling. We jump on a plane all the way go to California to Los Angeles.

Now, Big Lou is like, where are we going to get the hardware to take this guy down? We went to a store and got pellet guns, right? We got two pellet guns. And all of a sudden, we rent this hotel room, and it was just, Danny gets Timo to come. He walks in, I'm standing in the closet, Coco, with a badge and a pellet gun and a hat. And Big Lou is on the balcony. all of a sudden, J-mo and Danny walked in with a suitcase that he couldn't even carry.

It had to be 45, 50 pounds in the suitcase. It was huge. He walked in, all of a sudden, boom, I jumped out of the closet, I said, freeze, and Lou came, and fucking handcuffed him and Danny, drew him on the floor, and we just took the shit and fucking bolted out. That was it, man. It was unbelievable. It was a huge score, and that was one of my Big Lou stories, but there's many, many, many more. over in Washington Heights, too.

Oh, my God. That we did like that. But Big Lou had it going on, man. We had a cop friend that was from Patterson. Some old black guy. I forgot his name. But he had all the shit. He had the badges.

He had the shirts warrants. And we used to just, you know, go over Washington Heights and take people down. I think I bumped into one of those badges at one time. I had one of those. Somebody had one of those badges around the fucking area, and they lent it to me for a few weeks. Did I have to tell you I busted into it? a bathroom once and rob some fucking kids

with a badge. In 95, no, maybe 94 in New Jersey. That's one of those places on Englewood Clips. Yeah. One of those bars up there. I went to the bathroom and I was Jonesen and I heard two fucking kids snort in the

fucking bathroom. So I saw him walk out and I saw what they were doing and I didn't have a piece or nothing. And I waited for, they were going in the bathroom together. And I went in there and I could tell that they had like two strippers in them. So they just didn't have a gram of blow. And sure enough, the guy had, like, at the time when I got him down,

he maybe had, like, 12 grams in a baggie. He probably started tonight off with a half-ounce. Hey, man, when you fucking have no money and you live in a hotel in Fort Lee and off the Route 4, anything is a fucking score. Remember those dirty hotels there? Those dirty hotels there? You know, there's those hotels there.

I come right off the fucking 46 in Room 4, right over the bridge. You get there real quick, go to party. I remember one day. Listen to this, Philado. One day I was living in a hotel room in Fort Lee. It's 85. I'm living in a hotel room and I'm basically paying them daily. Like I didn't have the 170 to pay them for the week.

I would just go out and steal $44 a day and I pay them daily. And one day, I got caught up in New York. I didn't get back to like 6 o'clock at night. When I went to pay him, they said, we rented out your room. All your shits in the hallway or something. in our hallway. So when I went to get it, I seen that I was missing something.

So on the way out, I still had the key. And I opened the fucking room, and there was a guy and a chick fucking in the shower, and he left his pants on top of the bed. I was flat broke. I probably had 60 bucks for the night.

And I stuck my hand in the fucking pants, and out came like a water fucking dough. I put it in my pocket, I closed the door, and I ran to roof four, like right there. In those days, I used to have an army bag.

Everything in my life was an army bag. Okay. And I saw a cab and I got into the fucking cab. It was like 1800. I made them drive me through one of those other fucking hotels down on Fort Lee by bananas. Oh, yeah. By where bananas is the comedy. This is way before I thought about comedy.

Way before I thought about comedy. And I mean, I go, ooh, maybe I'll go to the comedy club. And I fucking instead, I went and took a bus into the city and got some fucking, got some tutzaluts. And, oh my God, I used to, that area there, every time I go into that Fortley area, the hairs on my neck still fucking standing. Oh yeah, same thing with me. My grandma still lives in Fort Lee by the Mediterranean Towers.

Yeah, right by there. That's where James lives. That's where Vlano lives now. Oh, does he in the Mediterranean Towers? By the Mediterranean Towers. They used to be restaurants in Fort Lee. They used to be a Chinese restaurant. There was always quiet.

And I always knew when there was quiet. And I would walk in, eat. And on the way out, it was one of those places that you had a wait rather register for somebody to come out. And I would just pop the register open and clean it out and walk out. Dog!

This is how fucking crazy I was at the time. Oh, my God. I remember I used to love with Darren and tell me the story to Michael Jewelers when you used to take them down and see you wear with the big giant like the whole display case you had in your hand. Yeah, but that was that.

Remember, I was fucking with Michael's Jewelers for maybe a year before that. I clipped Michael's Jewelers. I clipped Michael's Jewelers September of 82. The year before that, I started going to Michael's Jewelers that summer. The summer before, And they would always give you rings and walk away.

I never saw that like that, especially in New Jersey. You should know better. You should know better. You always get your eyes on my mother. First off, this was a jewelry store. I didn't have a buzzer on the door. Which was very rare. Every jewelry store has a buzzer.

You have to buzz in. How the fuck don't you have a buzzer? That's how trusting they were. Oh, my God. And Rego used to tell me the stories when you were robbing him. Oh, my God. It was fucking, then going down to Kmart, getting with stereos. I think you got one for him and Russo for senior proud.

They needed a stereo for that fucking car. It's a big problem. And he used to rob him down at Kmart, right? On Tunnelian Avenue down there, right? Listen, man, the other day, I told the story on the podcast that I was by the bank. I was taking money out of the ATM machine. And there was a long line, okay?

And there was two kids, maybe 20, 21. The chick was hotter than fuck. And they were talking to people. And I didn't know what was going on. So when I took my money or deposit a check, whatever, I turned around, the kid looked me in the face, and he said to me, yo, can you spare a couple bucks

and I looked at him and I looked at the girl and I said what you don't suck dick and he looked at me like in shock and my point being was tell him Follado at that age and that was when I was 16 I had no mother no father I had no fixed income

I was living in the Runny's basement out of the love of their heart I'd give them whatever I could and I had to do whatever the fuck had to be done and I had to quit school and I had to do whatever had to be done but it was beyond me and Reagan and Reilly and Reyes go had no money we were kids we were kids

we were kids right look at these 16 year olds now that get bullied and you know they have a skateboard and the thing of water and they're fucking walking around with their jackets on I look at them and I go oh my god at that age I wasn't even thinking about fucking a skateboard or a hat or a GI Joe you were fucking growing up already doing other shit oh my god we were in school and fucking all we were doing were going to school and robin trying to fucking live like everybody else oh you know Darren had no money. When Darren's mother and father

broke up, that was the saddest times of his fucking life. And knowing now 30 years later, he needed me more than than I needed him, you know, it was like a fucking amazing. And that's when he started doing the drugs. And I gotta tell you, man, I miss my mother. It was 34 years. My mother's been dead on Friday. But I don't tell you,

man, I miss Darren Rago. And it's because of shit like that. But, you know what? I have no, I have my man the flying Jew out here now. And he's got my back. Lysayat. Lee Siyat. Is he there? He's here. I'm here,

he's over here, giggling. Oh, man. You've got to take him to St. Louis. I'm thinking about it, because he's off next week. I forgot all about it. Because every week you got to... Get into St. Louis. We'll have a fucking blast.

Yeah, we'll take him to Strip club. You'll take him to a strip club? Oh, forget about the strip clubs here, Coco. They're insane. Come on. And will they fart in his face? If we give them a half a yard? Will a black shit fart in his mouth?

Coco, they go totally naked, and they walk around, and they sit on your lap, and they do everything, and they're totally, naked and then back rooms. I've never seen strip cups anywhere in the country like they are here. Lee's going to St. Louis. They're not in St. Louis. They're actually in Illinois. All right, we'll take Lee. We'll give him a couple

edibles. We'll blindfold them and we'll get a chick to suck his stamency and then fart in his mouth. $25. $25. We'll get some fucking Sally Suck them silly over there in Brooklyn, Illinois. Sally Suck them silly. Sally suck him silly. Remember the Port Authority?

We used to over there. Years ago when they had... I had, like, 1982, 83, you come out of the freaking Lincoln Tunnel, and you had 4,000. I told them, that black street, that's where we mugged the hooker and Little Wig on fire. Right there with a black pimp with the wheelchair. Right on that street there, there'd be thousands of hookers were topless. And there were so many hookers that you had to do something. So you had to pull up to them, they let you feel their titties or finger bag.

Yeah, they rush the car. They rush the fucking car. Like savages. Feel my, let me suck your dick. You know, because they suck the dick and they throw the pussy in for free. something there's always a deal. I remember one time fucking what's his name? Sabatino

was fucking getting his dick sock and shit like this and all of a sudden he robbed the money back from the girl. It was unbelievable. Yeah, yeah. We had to get money and shit. He robbed the money back from this hookah. It was right on like 10th Avenue and like 42nd Street or something.

Right there, right behind the Port Authority. Right around the corner from where they sold those fucking pretzels because when you made the loop by Mercedes-Benz, it was one block down from Mercedes in that dark. It was a dark street. Like Batman would be. even go there. Oh, yeah, yeah. It was hundreds of thousands of. You could not believe it. Lee, you wouldn't. That's why I say that joke. That's what me and Roger

and Stinky and Al Munez mugged that fucking hook at that time, a little wig on fire. Fucking Roger. Oh, my God, the Pelican. He's still doing good. I still talk to him. I see Timmy when I go home. Timmy's my little brother. I love Timmy Holloway. Tell my all said hello, everybody, man. I can't wait to you come in. No, we're going to have a fucking player. No, no, I can't wait. So I'll see you next Thursday for sure. sure. I'm happy you called up. You sound great. I can't wait to meet to meet your daughter. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I love you guys. Love you. Fucking Coke. Thank you so much. I'll be calling you back though this week. But everybody over

there, man, listen to this podcast because it's blowing up. I man, Coco. We got it. Coming out with that movie. Everything. That movie. Everything. Oh, fucking beautiful. Give me a science before I go. Science, cock suckers. I'll call you during the week. I love you, brother. Thanks for calling. I love you. Bye-bye. Oh, shit. No, no, no, St. Louis is going to be fucking crazy. I feel it over.

And I love this shit. Listen, man, the crazier, the better for me. That's my realm. I don't want no decent fucking white people. If you're decent and white, stay to fuck home. All right, I love you to death. I want crazy people. You IT motherfuckers that sit there on your computers,

but really think about blowing up fucking countries and you're part-time. That's the people I want. You add reafer to that mix. We get all fucking crazy. Let me get some shout-outs to my main veteran, Adrian La Cruz, La Luz, or La Cruz.

I don't know what the fuck he's doing, but I want to send him some love. Sweetwater Pioneer Museum. I want to send you some fucking love down there. H2, the Puerto Rican up in the Bronx, Chad Colbert, Thaddea, Scotia. Turn it, motherfucker, I love it. You know what I'm saying?

What, cock sucker, what? Fucking, did you see the thing fucking Neelius Samuel sent me this weekend? No, opposed to him snorting something? Oh, no. He sent me this picture of fucking weed, and it just says, he sent it to T-2. He says, this is the shit that gave Lyside's grandfather

on Dachau, circa circa circa, circa 14. And I was just looking because I was looking on Twitter and fucking I saw that

and I thought of you. Neelius Samuels is basically the craziest if me and Neelius got together the FBI

would show up for surveillance because he's fun what we could come up with it'd be fucking scary. His boundaries

have no fucking boundaries. And that's the only way to be a good comedian sometimes when you're not that funny

writing wise and all that. Like I'm not that funny writing wise but I'm out of bounds so once you're out of bounds some people live out of bounds that's the way the church people live out of fucking bounce a little something tony bennett though you know i'm saying it's she's been dead 34 years i'm over here smoking dope it's 10 to 7 in the morning 10 to 10 in new york oh shit i love you cock suckers and i want to be around even when they're gone we're around i want to be around to pick up the

We're laughing about dick Fucking Leon Swarga Already He already posted $25 and we get him A Sally suck him silly Oh yeah You're done

That's it We're all gonna donate That's it It's over You get the fart to the face I'm gonna go home and see how much of this To put you in the back of the plane Eight million dollars

Choice all the way in the back Like the fucks me Still Gats in the back Fuckin And we'll get you a couple shirts You can sell them after the show Fuck it. Let's do this. Leave or lead you.

What's up, baby? You look beautiful today. I'm trying. I wrote this down. What? I'm sorry. What's the music? What'd you write? Who'd you write? No, because we were talking about Steve, you were talking about Steve McQueen and Bruce Lee. So I wrote it down because you just started talking about. You know, Steve McQueen wanted what Bruce Lee had, which was to be a tough guy, to have those skills.

And Steve McQueen, and Bruce Lee wanted what Steve McQueen had was international fame. Okay. You know, and some people aren't, and I don't even know where this was going, so don't worry about it now. Okay, no, we were just talking about it. Could you make it in the Army? Oh, could I make it in the Army?

Basically, this is what really happened. I had, my father had a friend that was one of those, my stepfather had a friend that was one of those people who recruited you. Okay. And I guess years later, we found that that's who was selling them as bulletproof fucking vest, was that Army guy,

was stealing from some fucking base or something like that. This is how corrupt the service is. So he had spoken to me a couple of times, and I had spoken to him and everything was going great. I was listening to his speech. I knew I had to do something with my life. And I had seen some people that got on to the service and they came back and they really hadn't done much.

But I asked around and they said, if you really want to do something in the service, you could do something. You know what was the fucking final straw between me and the service was the blood test. Once they started talking about a blood test, at that time, you weren't taking blood out of me. When I was 18 and I had no mom and no dad,

nobody had told me what to do. There was no way I was giving blood. and I actually thought about it and I went to bed and I said Well if I faint you know how can you faint at the fucking Marine You know what I'm saying? Yeah They're not going to take you

He faked fucking fainted So once I thought about that I didn't show And to me honestly I felt I've made a couple of mistakes in my life That's one of them was not joining the service I mean I wouldn't have been a comedian Maybe I would have maybe I wouldn't have Who knows

But the funny thing is that I always admire the fact that when you're 40 you're retired Listen you're going to put up with bullshit No matter what you do for 20 years Even if you have a college degree, you're going to put up with 20 years of bullshit and you're going to retire. How? Now, let's say you go into college. You come out when you're what, 22.

Right? Yeah. You come out when you're fucking 22 and you get a job. You're basically working until you're 65. So that's dirty fucking years, right? 40 years. No. 22, 65 take away 22 is 30 something fucking years.

40. Really? No shit? Yeah. Are you serious? 20 plus 40 and 60. I'm too fucking high to fucking take this shit out right now. You had me downing myself.

I was like, I think so. What's the thing? What's the equation again? 65 minus 22 is 43. Wow, you're right. Holy shit. You got to work 43 fucking years, right?

This is the way I come. I'm just trying to make light of this, right? So you work 43 fucking years, then you've got a pension, and you've worked, and you're hated people. So let's say you're going to service when you're 18.

You come out when you're fucking 40. You still hate the fucking life, but it's a lot shorter, and you're still a young man, and now you have three or four or five or six grand a month, to fucking play with you could probably come out an officer you know you got benefits and insurance and you know what i didn't start living until i was fucking 40 so what what's the

difference do you follow i'm saying to you i mean the correlation here it might not work a lot of you people out there thinking joey how can you promote the service or something like that you know look at the bad things they do no they do a lot of good things i've seen them at least slow men down at least put them in the right direction i have a nephew that's in san diego listen i ain't gonna lie He ain't no Fibati, a fucking Kappa, okay? But he's a great fucking kid,

and he's in the Navy, and he's loving it. And he was thinking of getting out, and he saw what his options were. What are your options today if you're a young man that's 20, fucking four years old? Even with a college degree,

we've had this fucking discussion. Yeah. You know, what are your options, you know? I have a friend that was talking to him. He's 40, and he dropped out of here for a few years, and he came back,

and we spoke about a week ago, and he was talking to me that he's been back, and he was embarrassed to call me for a while because he doesn't have a job in the industry. And I was like, are you fucking kidding me? I'm not one of those people. I can never tell somebody how to make a living. You know, I don't care how you make a living.

As long as you're happy. And he said, it's amazing. I came back when I left, I had all these contacts. And when I came back, half of these people gone and the other half of people can't hire me because I'm basically out of a loop for five years. So I don't know what to do. So he's going to move to New Orleans

because they're shooting so many more movies. He feels somebody will hire him off the fucking bat. But he's been back here a year, and he got one, he got one job that it was like four days of work. Fuck. You know, so it's amazing that even, you know, at a lot of ages, you're fucking struggling right now. No matter what you're doing, you're fucking struggling. So I always thought it was a mistake for me and I joined the service for that reason. Do you think you could have lasted in, like, in like the boot camp and the people yelling at you?

I could have lasted the boot camp. Let's be honest with you. Up to the age of 27, 28, I was just living life on fumes. like most other kids are. I had no responsibilities. I wouldn't claim responsibilities. And everything that would happen was the world and society.

It was never my fucking fault. Everything was everybody else's fault. The bus came late. The train came late. You know, the restaurant. You know, everything was not my fault. So no matter what you threw at me at that age, if you threw me a million dollars,

I would have fucked it up, Lee. Do you understand me? Until you get that grasp in your heart that you're the fucking, you control your world, nothing's going to move forward. So no matter, if you were,

to throw 10 million at me when I was 21 I would have fucking blown it and been dead anyway do you follow me because I just didn't have that main grass you know I still talk to people tell me uh you know the something and I look at them and I don't say nothing because it's out of line for me to say something but if that's how they live their life they're going to find out the same way I found out yeah the hard way you have to take responsibility you know not everybody's out not society's not always fucking wrong some of it is yours so at that age you know. It wouldn't have turned out one.

Yeah. Eventually I would have said, fuck this guy for yelling at me in the morning, and I would have pushed him and would have ended up in jail. I know. That's for me. Now I would have been a different story, you know. It's always better than fucking hindsight, so.

Yeah, it's fucking, it's just, I couldn't even imagine. I just, especially that she's to leave her daughter. Like, I was thinking about you, her daughter is like two years old or something now. But like, if, let's say, it's not the same because you're,

like, you're choosing it. But like, if someone was like, hey, here's a million dollars, but we want you, you're not going to go home at all. You're going to be in a bus going every day. You have a new comedy show. I know you wouldn't do that. But if you had to be like six months away from your daughter,

I don't think, like, it's just... Listen, you joined up. This is what comes with it. This is again, what are you going to do? Backpedal society's not going against you. This is what the job calls to. When you're going to the ultimate fire them for those six weeks, they don't want you, no internet, no newspaper,

no nothing. You can't call home. You can't find out what your family's doing. If your kid fell down and scratched his knee, you can't call him to comfort you. That's the plan. When you sign the paperwork, that's what you sign up for. You understand me? I couldn't dream of doing it.

All right, think about this. Your family came from where? The Syatt's came from where? Russia and Lithuania. Okay. Somebody in your Syatt chain had to make sacrifices for you to be here. So when it was a great-great-grandpa-Syat and his flying director, Jew wife, they had to leave something behind.

Yeah. You follow me? So do you understand me? And when you move forward, you always have to make a fucking sacrifice. I'm 300 fucking pounds. I fucking ditty around here every fucking day. I ditty around here every fucking day.

If I really want to lose 60 pounds, I wouldn't be talking to Joey Fulah about chicken cups. You understand me? So we do what the fuck we want to do. And we overlook it as far as we overlook it, you know? Yeah. And that's the fucking thing here. You have to make sacrifices.

When I left Boulder in 94, let's compare it to that. You know, let's make a pseudo comparison. I had a couple options. I could stay in Boulder, get an $8, $9, $10 an hour job, barely make it. Barely, you know, just make ends meet. I could do comedy, but I had to control it. I had to do comedy in a controlled area because I couldn't leave it. I didn't have an ex-wife that agreed with me.

Not to mention what was going on. That was what was going on at a personal level. Also the cocaine addiction, which I was going to have no matter where I went. And I also had the other problems I had, which I knew that eventually you keep throwing spaghetti against the wall, something bad's going to happen. Me and those people didn't have good feelings for one another. And it was just the pot was about to blow up. When I walked away, it was one of the most painful things I ever did. It was more painful than me walking away from playing basketball.

There's things you do that have pain, that you know that I'm not going to try this no more. You know, I'm not going to do this no more. I'm going to give that. If I would ever have quit stand-up, it would have been one of those sacrifices also, I think. I think it would have haunted me for the rest of my life. All those sacrifices usually do. But I had to decide. I had nothing going on in Boulder, and I had a chance somewhere else to be a comedian

and to try my life and to get all that bad blood and bad energy out of my life. If it was meant to be, it was meant to be, but it also gave me something to fight for. That's the other part of that. It gives you something to fight for. It gave me something. For me to walk away from Jacqueline, I had to make it somewhere else to prove to her that walking away was worth it at the end.

Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? And that's what my mother died from. My mother died because she left her daughter in Cuba. And then all her avenues locked up. She believed in so many people. She's paid so much money to get her daughter locked. But that pain went with her every day.

And she strived for a while, but eventually she succumbed to the pain. The pain, it was too much living without your daughter, knowing that in the back of your mind you left your child or your parent in another country. I can't, I live with that every day. My sister's in Cuba, and I'm here about to go eat whatever the fuck I want to for breakfast. My sister's probably got an egg and a piece of fucking yellow bread and some coffee that they've been using the same coffee filter with those grinds for the last six days. Yeah, it's fucked up.

My girlfriend's mom actually, she had three kids and had to leave one in Mexico. And like they're going through some stuff right now because he resents her. a little bit. But, I mean, she put him through med school. She lives here and he was in, so now he's a doctor in Mexico. But he doesn't really... He feels like she abandoned him. But it's just

she had to do it. And now he's a doctor in very successful in Mexico. But I couldn't imagine, like, like if you had to go somewhere or if you had to leave a kid and so many people do it, it's fucked up. You know, man, nobody

said this was going to be easy. Nobody. Nobody said this fucking life we live was going to be easy and there's going to be sacrifices at every fucking level. You know, you want to get into comedy. What do you think? You have a ton of, very few people doing great in comedy in the beginning. You sleep on a fucking floor, man. Yeah. You know, you sleep on a floor. You know, a lot of people love to live alone. You know, I love it. I couldn't have a roommate. When you start comedy, you need six fucking roommates.

And you might have to share a room with a roommate and smell his feet and his fucking farts. But at least you have a roommate. a dream there's a payoff at the end when you go to bed every nine your roommate's cracking a fart you're like you know what tomorrow I'm going to get up early and write jokes so I get myself out of this fucking dilemma yeah it makes you work harder sometimes

so I get it I get it you know when I was in Seattle I missed Jackie fucking the pain was unbearable for years I didn't let go of that pain until 98 I didn't let go and when did you when did you leave Colorado

95 I'm lying to you I didn't I didn't leave that pain alone until maybe like 2003 or four. It was a real bad pain. And that's why eventually I made peace with it. And I made peace with a lot of other things. And that's why I stopped getting high. The coke I was doing was to kill the pain. And one day, you just come to peace with a certain subject.

And you don't need that drug anymore. You know, that's why rehabs, their temporary band-aids now. I finally realized that a rehab for somebody is a band-aid anymore. You have to sit that person down. and get to the root of the fucking problem. It might take weeks or it might take years. It took me fucking 20-something years. So I'm no better than anybody else.

And hopefully it takes people with addiction. I get a lot of emails to speak about pain addiction and stuff. You know, pain medication addiction. Hopefully they find out what the fuck you eat in the pain medication for. What's really bothering you? And that's what was bothering me for a long time. And no matter what I was doing with comedy or whatever, I had walked away from a child or an ex-wife or whatever.

Today I'm solid. They don't want to talk to me, and that's understandable. I built that fucking house. I built that house, and I have to fucking deal with it. And that's why I got a second chance with mercy, you know. I got a second chance of being a father with mercy. So all you could do is try and move forward, and I understand every piece of that. My mom had to leave a daughter in Cuba and keep going back.

And then once Castro came, and I could see that if I think back now, in hindsight, her pain, some of her pain was that. Yeah. Her pain was also her mother. They loved their fucking mother. Even when I talk to my uncle, he still loves his mother. He still talks about it. He gets emotional. They love their mother.

Nena. They didn't even call her mom, which I never understood. They called her nana. What did that mean in Spanish? It was her name. Oh, okay. It was her fucking name. You know, I never understood that.

But that's just the way it is when you have to leave family. You know, what do you think it was easy for me to leave North Bergen? And I didn't have blood. I didn't have fucking blood But those people This fallado that calls and all those people I had to leave them And I fucking missed them

And I missed the security blanket And I didn't know how much I missed a security blanket Until I had that problem last week At the fucking thing With the farmer's market I don't understand I missed that security blanket The security of being able to call something

And go, dog somebody just gave me a problem But there's like four of them Can you do me a favor? You know Are you busy today? Bring an extra fucking stick I'm gonna call Raygo I'm gonna call this guy We're going to see what the fuck real problem is.

But I don't have that no more. In the way, I'm happy, but in a way it makes me sad. Because, you know, that's who I was at one point. But who gives a fuck? You know what I'm saying? You know, if you get sad and somebody bullies you or something like that, go to Anit.com, all right? Get some protein powder, get some hemp force.

You know what's back? The one fucking, the One-O-A-80s back. The turnaround? That thing is back. Remember they said that they were going to do it. The packages. I think it's even on sale for $31. You get like 22 fucking packages or 10 packages.

Let me tell you some. I take those things. I have like two left because I save it for special things when I go on the road and I fly and it's laid or something. And those turnarounds work. Go to honor.com. Look at the turnaround. Look at the kettle bells.

Look at the ropes. Look at all this shit they have to offer for you not to get fucking bullied. Go to the box and press in church. C-H-U-R-C-H. That's what you fucking need to do. Number two, let me tell you what happened yesterday. I got home, but I didn't take my razor with me. I didn't take my razor with me.

I took, like, a different type of razor. I had in the bag in there already. Because I didn't take the razor out when I got the portable razor. I didn't take it out when I got my razor from Dollar Shave Club. So I left my Dollar Shave Club at home. I had one in the shower, and it was one in the counter. Yesterday I got home. I put some of that fucking cocoa butter shave thing they give you,

the shave butter they have, and I shave. It's too smoother than a motherfucker. Dollar Shave Club. I ain't blowing smoke. up your ass man at first I didn't know but now I figured out how to use the contour and all that stuff a dollar a month that's $12 a year for your fucking blades

what's the football player from Green Bay Aaron Rockins? I ain't put nobody down no no no the defensive back with the long hair oh fuck I forget whatever his name is a big dude he's advertising a blade the other day and I looked at the blade in the pharmacy and it's a great blade and all but it's 20 something fucking dollars

just for the stem and then like $1299 for the fucking blades so that's $40 you're going to go through that in two fucking months, $40. I'm offering you blades for the year for 36, right? 12 times 6 is what? I don't even know. 72, I'm sorry. So you get

blades for fucking 6 months are going to cost you probably fucking $100. I'm giving them to you for $72 fucking dollars, and that's on the short end. I'm just being fucking conservative. But you know what you're going to get. You know what you're going to get. You get three different programs to choose from. The dollar program,

which gives you four fucking cartridges, two blade raises, The $6 one, which gives you four, three-blade fucking razors with the fucking strip, so it coats your face with the aloe butter and everything's nice and smooth. And then for $9, which it works out to be $108 a year, you get the complete package. You get the strips with the fucking, with the butter. Four blade, and then you get, for the first month, you get the shave butter. Come on, guys.

Four bucks a month, you get the one-wife Charlie's. One-white Charlie. Your asshole smells like peppermint snacks. For Christmas. Yeah. Next time you lick your chicks next year assholes, it smells like peppment schnaps. You don't have to go to the bar and do a shot over the holidays. Fuck the eggnogs.

You'll save on calories. That's how we row here. That's how we fucking row here at the church of what's happening now. It's Monday. 11-11. Get your shit together, motherfuckers. Today is, I found a dollar bill today. On the way out, right to the fucking car.

Today's my lucky day. I'm going to take that dollar, and I'm going to go play a fucking lottery. I never play the lottery. I'm going to pick a number and play the fucking lottery. Today's a good day, dog. It's a good day for everybody. You're not going to know it until you live your fucking life. You get out, you grab your balls.

You salute the fucking lottery. flag and you go, I'm going for it, motherfucker. What? I got a fucking terrible story for you. What happened? So, my girlfriend's mom went away for the week, so she couldn't stay the weekend because they have a dog. So

it went on Saturday, and I only see her every weekend, so we always have sex. So, her cousin wasn't there, so we tried having sex in her house. So at first I was like, we can't do it in your mom's bed, because she has a twin bed, and her mom has, like, a big bed. I was like, I can't do it in your mom. I couldn't do it.

So we tried the twin bed, and it just didn't work. It's tiny. The beds from fucking IKEA, so it was shaking back and forth. It was falling. We were going to break it. We tried the floor a little bit. I broke down at the end. I was like, all right, let's try the moms.

And it lasted about 30 seconds, because as soon as you open the door, there's a Virgin Mary above the bed. There's a Virgin Mary across the room. I told you. And then right at the window, there's like a wooden cross with beads. No matter where you look. You're surrounded by Jews, you know what I'm saying? It's about five feet long.

And, look, the bed's balancing. The dog's looking at us. There's Virgin Mary above my bed, and then there's baby pictures of my girlfriend right there. I told you. It's like a fucking, you can't win. You can't win in your mom's bed. The crucifix, the fucking Jesus is. I had never done that before.

The baby. I told you. I told you a long time ago. It's a nightmare. Oh, my God. You did get softened and shit. As soon as you try to fuck with Jesus in the room, it's not going to work out for you. So don't even do it.

If Jesus is hanging out, you can't even do it. can't fucking get a harder. I don't know what. Jesus is a cock blocker. Jesus, baby pictures, and animals. There was like four Virgin Mary's. Like, what are you why there for? And God forbid you want to fuck with one, with an animal in the house, because they always want to show up and watch like a fucking boy. Is that what you call those things? Yeah. Do your cats do that to you? Yeah, I got to throw them out once in a long show.

They'll lay right next door to you and watch. They'll just lay and look and you're like, what the fuck? Oh, my God, but it was like the worst experience. It was terrible. Oh, it's fucking horrible. It's, you cannot fucking. with Jesus in the right. It just makes you feel guilty. You're Jewish. I fucking think it feels for a fucking Catholic. And they got figurines.

As soon as you walked in my house as a kid, dog, you were spooked. I had a seven-foot St. Lazaro in the living room. Jesus. Are you going to take your pants off? There's a seven-foot fucking figurine in the living room? I don't think so. Oh, my God. And she has

the ashes to her old dog in the room the mom does? She's like a little altar. Oh, yeah. It's a horror show. It's like Sandhope's mother when the cat died. Candle. It was the worst We just gave up We're like all right

Let's just go to Denny's Next week Yeah let's just go to Denny's And call this evening You get a fucking Sunday And that's as good as it's gonna get Now you can't be fucking

On those things though So that's it That's all I got for you today That's all you got What are you got for Uncle Joey this week? And this week It's my last week of work But no I'm

I have a bunch of I'm recording I have three set up already For my new podcast Flying your radio You're recording Recording in the next couple weeks

I have my dad coming I have two TV editors I'm going to have on I have a producer of a guy I work with who did a Jay Moore's podcast for a little bit I have him coming on and I have a I have a bunch of other people I have coming on so look for that

looking in January you bad motherfucker That's why I love you Lee You're always fucking thinking Don't want to work for anything Now what's the name of this new series on Hulu Plus They got something new to our day that I read on When I was flying to Raleigh

There's a new series that's coming on at Hulu Plus. I didn't know they were doing all these new series. Yeah, they have the network awesome. I know they have the kid from Saturday Night Live. Yeah. But on top of like TV shows and all the current stuff, and you can watch the whole season, I didn't know they had new stuff,

which makes the deal that you get for $7.99, even better because you're watching shit that nobody else is fucking watching. So think about it that way. Hulu Plus is on fire with this deal. Everybody I talk to that gets Hulu Plus thanks me and says, Joey, for fucking free for two weeks,

not a bad deal. Now for $7.99 a month after that, again, I'm trying to get your budget on a fixed income. Not everybody's doing good. But if you know you're going to spend, I know that the cable systems and shit costs hundreds of fucking month. We're not talking about none. And you can watch stuff on everything. Your phone, your pad, your fucking shoe. I don't give a fuck what you got. You can watch your computer. Go to Hulu Plus, press in the box. Joey. Joey, J-O-E-Y, get two weeks for free, and after that you get $7.99 a month. You've seen the commercial. I'm going to take care of you a little fucking better. You got two weeks for fucking free.

That's how we roll here at church and what's happening now. Yeah, they have three new original series. Three new, I know. I read about the one of them. People are really fucking like it. So I'm going to ask my wife to tape them for me or whatever the fucking.

You don't have to tape them. Just go on there. Yeah, yeah, I'm going to go right there. So they have the awesms, which is what we said, the guy with Seth Myers from Saturday Night Live. No, this was a new one. They have the wrong man,

a comedic thriller with James Gordon. That's the one. Yeah, and then they have, they also have behind the mask, which explores the secret. world of sports mascots. So fucking, yeah, they have three new ones that they do just by themselves.

They're like, fuck, we don't need NBC. Now, what are you going to use to the background? Because you can't take the Israeli flag. I'm not going to do video. You're not going to do video. I like, I want to go up and my cousins up at Travis up in Northern California. I want to interview him.

What does he do? He actually, he was an airplane mechanic for like five or six years, but he just retrained. And he's the guy now that refueled was a plane in midair. He just retrained for that. That's fucking interesting shit. Just get under a fucking plan and bubble.

Yeah, he's a guy just a stick. He's his mom, my aunt, married or, I think he's Mexican. His last name is Santos. So it's not the Jewish blood that had him do that. No, I'm excited. What are you going to do, Lee? At least you're doing different things. Lee, I'm happy.

You're out there. You're in love. See, people are learning from you. You're inspiring people. Oh, yeah. I'm going to have her, too. I'm going to have the mom on. because she, it's a very interesting story.

She would go back and forth, like in people's trunks to cross the Mexican border. So I'm interested to see, I have to have the girl on as a translator, because she doesn't take English. So I don't know how that's going to go. I'm interested to see if that'll work. It'll work. It'll make it work, man. Yeah.

It's pretty interesting what we think about immigration and how we're judgmental towards immigration. We're very judgmental. I didn't even know that until this last week. You know, especially living here in Hollywood, when you call most of these agencies or hair-cutting places, they always have a thought on an answer in the phone. Primarily an Englishman first. And I have nothing against English or anybody.

I'm just making this as a fact. And number two, Australian. And after Thor, if they get the Australian to do it, they love it even more. That's the saps that we are on the United. And it's probably the same in Australia. They want to hear an American. It's probably a same in England.

You know, it's probably... But it's amazing how, you know, I know people who are from England here are great people. I have one friend in particular James and he's not illegal, but he's just here temporarily on a visa and nobody says nothing.

But Mexicans got a sneak in here and they get tortured and they clean your houses and they do all this shit. And it's amazing how we're judgmental to the different races. I do the same sometimes, so I'm guilty of it too.

But it's just amazing how it's okay in Beverly Hills to have an English person answering the phone and an agency but they look down on some Mexican because he jumps a fence and he's trying to get over here to work. Yeah, there's two sides to it.

Because it's two sides to it. Because one guy I worked with his wife as a doctor, and apparently, since they don't have health care, it really holds up the hospital she works at, and the taxpayers have to foot the bill, and they're not really paying taxes a lot of times. So I see that side of it. But then when I go, and I go to Englewood every weekend now, I'm the only white guy in the area, and it's just I go to the grocery store, and you see the families, and her mom worked in restaurants and sweatshops for 30 years,

And they're not hurting anybody. They pay taxes. There's a side of it where, yeah, the illegal immigration is hurting America. It definitely, like, they're definitely not paying taxes and some things are hurting. But there's also people here who are just trying to eat out a living and survive. Well, listen, it's what you're sold. When you're another country, this is the land of opportunity. So think of you had to, unless you're a fucking retarded or you're fucking moron,

wouldn't you want to be with his opportunity? where you want to be where you can be the best that you could fucking be. So it's kind of weird how it's just, because I do the same thing. I'm guilty with also sometimes I make different fucking comments about this or that. You go to a doctor and you go to a hospital and they have a lot of Hindu doctors and you go downstairs and they're all Filipinos. You know, and you have to wonder what happened to the fucking white people. You know, they're the first person to complain about jobs and health care.

So, you know, I don't know how to look at it. I don't know how to look at it. And most of these people complain that people maybe I don't have, you know, aren't, you know, doctors or lawyers. I don't fucking know, you know. But it's amazing how we're judgmental, and I got to stop doing it too. I mean, it's too late at fucking 50.

I wish somebody had told me when I was 20 would have made my life a lot easier not being so judgmental. But what the fuck, Lee? You know what I'm saying? We don't know. We're on a journey here and you live every day. The goal of this fucking journey

is to be a better fucking person every day. That's all you can do. How's mercy doing with the Spanish? Because I was thinking, I was just thinking, because I don't know, and I have to know if to be able to talk to the mom, and she's going to know it right from the beginning. Mercy's probably going to do what I do.

She's going to know it, but she's not going to talk it. There's a primary language and the language I'm going to have to talk to one, and she's not going to want to, she's not going to want to speak it because it might embarrass her or something, the same way I was. You think so? Like, even like second or third generation that she is now would embarrass her? Yeah, because the main language you're hearing is English and the mom don't speak it. So the mom isn't like the mom's speaking it.

I want to teach her to her so reminds I had a little. and it's not, if I was Chinese, I would teach my child Chinese. If I was Poland, I would teach them Polish, just because that second language would help them learn more and absorb more. This is the age when they're a fucking sponge, where you throw everything at them. My wife said yesterday they went to church,

at church, the thing, there was music, and Mercy was mounding the words, like little... Oh, really? Trying to sing. So there's something there. You know, she's not a fucking goofball. There's something there. And I'm very proud of that, so I have to work with it. You know, I have to teach...

I would teach you something. Spanish. No, I wish I was better languages. If you go to a restaurant with me, look around you. See who's always got bread and butter on that table. And whose glasses always serve the water to the top. And who's got a lemon in their fucking water? Me, because that's the first person I talked to.

I talk to the busboy when I come in. I say, what's happening in Primon? After the first time, instead of not looking down at somebody, I talk to him, they think that's the greatest thing in the world. It's something he just acknowledges them and says, hello. So the whole time I'm there, I'm fucking family, Jack. Whether I go to Ruth Chris or I go to fucking McDonald's. You know what I'm saying?

There's always a primo somewhere in the back of that fucking kitchen. My favorite one is after the shows and you would always say, you want to yum yum, you want to yum yum. And we'd walk in at Maynardt's quiet. There's like two people. And as soon as you open the door, well, it's a primo. He's in the back. Gotta get these motherfuckers going, Jack.

That's what we do. Listen, you're not going to go in there and bring somebody fucking. You got to make people's day. Yeah. If you fucking make somebody's day sometimes, sometimes you can be having this shit. The shittiest fucking day. The shittiest fucking day. And some kid will come up to you and go,

hey, mister, do you want to buy a chocolate bar? And you're ready to look at that kid and tell him, listen, take that chocolate ball and shove it up your teacher's ass or your mother's ass or whatever. And you look at what it's about. You look at what that's about right there. You're giving some kid confidence. You know, you're helping some kid out. I may be the only fucking mutt to give this kid $2.

At the end of the week, we blow $2 in the dumbest fucking shit every day. You give the kid $2. He looks at you. that kid has a fucking great day. He just went to school and sold the bar or candy. You know, it's like waking up and somebody's sucking your dick. For a 12-year-old, nobody's going to suck his dick, but somebody bought a piece of chocolate. You know what?

And on the way home, you're going to bite that chocolate and go, man, this chocolate sucks. You know? And you're going to go, but you know what? I gave him $2. And you're going to watch him walk. You're going to watch how he walks after he walks away from you. Oh, yeah. And right there alone, you're going to go, fuck it.

I'm having a shitty day. I got a flat. my wife sucks some fucking Iranian's dick but I just made somebody's fucking day I had to do that I was in Boy Scouts and I had to do we did Christmas tree sales and fucking I'm a Jew selling

Christmas trees it was snowing outside and we're all huddled around this little wood stove that they had and like we had to get up there and tie the trees on top of the car but like we also sold them so we'd walk around and show them different trees and I was so fucking out of place

I'd never had a Christmas I didn't know any Christmas trees. I just said, yeah, this one's a great one. I would put it over. I was, like, 12 years old. Throwing a tree on top of a truck. I love selling things. You do?

Oh, yeah. Why don't you go back to sales now? So, Simon. So what? Hard time. Oh, no, I'm not good, like a car salesman. No, what you know best? On donuts?

I don't know. You know sports. You know fucking all this computer shit. I don't you go to one of these places and get a toy. You're pretty intelligent. Talk to people. There's something different. It's not.

and give editing a break for six months. Maybe you'll like it at the end of six months again. Maybe the only, and it's kind of, I haven't gotten it yet, so I can't really talk about it. But my job's ending on Friday, so I get unemployment. And talking to people that I've talked to, I should get around $450 a week. So stay unemployed for a couple fucking weeks. That's what I'm, that's kind of fucked up. Like, it doesn't really motivate you to go get another job.

It's the fucking holidays. It's November 15th. Yeah. Who's going to give you a fucking job in your field anymore? No one is. So take it until January. Yeah. That's the point.

You pay for that. It's not like it's free government money. You pay into, you know, for years I acted, he'd book a commercial, and I'd walk around broke for weeks, and then I'd reach a fear, a Jew, talked me into, he goes, bro, after every job, you collect unemployment. And I didn't know. One day he got me to form, and I collected it,

and I've been happier ever since. And even if it was 200 a week, it's money I pay into. You know, when you get a check here, let's say you've got a check for $100. Take $30 out? You take $30 out. 10 goes to the government, 10 goes to FICA and all that other shit. Where the fuck you can get it, the 10 goes to?

Into your fucking benefit, Social Security, and you pay into this insurance. So if you don't have a job, so it's not like free money, like you're just robbing from the government. You're not robbing shit. You work your fucking asshole. You work Saturdays, 10 days, you work nights.

You're 25. You know what most people 25 are doing? They're out there doing ecstasy, jumping up and down like Momo's getting chlamydia. Not you. You're suffering. You're putting away nights because you want a better life later on. So don't be ashamed.

That's good to know. Now we can make a fucking way. I don't have to sit here all paranoid that you're over here starting cock-sucker, you know what I'm saying No, no, no, no, be good. All right, just stop your fucking crying. You live like a fucking doctorly, like most of the fucking people, and we just not satisfied with what we have sometimes. You don't know, and I'm fucking guilty of it, too.

Some mornings I wake up mad at something that I'm not fucking mad at. What do I give a fuck what's going on here? That's why I think sometimes I like the news, but I don't like the news. Because it puts shit in your mind that you don't need to fucking worry about. We should worry about ourselves, not some fucking dolphin that's stuck on the news. that off the coast to Hawaii. There's nothing I can do. What do you're going to do? I'm really sorry for the people from the Philippines. I know Ralphie was in Guam

headed to Hawaii, so I hope he, I don't think there's a fucking tornado I can pick that motherfucker out. But you know, I don't give a fuck his tornado, you know, Hercules. Ralphie's fucking... You just stand there? He'd just stand there like a soldier, fucking with his dick out, pissing into the wind.

He don't give up, but he's down there with his family, so I was worried at first, but I found out he's okay. He's headed to Hawaii for a couple days to relax and luau and eat bananas and pineapples and shit so it's okay but my heart goes out to the people from the philippines we have people who listen there so yeah yeah yeah yeah and we got em with san juan and and my wife's and my daughter's uh godparents oh yeah yeah san jane san jose i love i love philippinos man they're good fucking people that's the tragedy strongest storm on record on this planet that means people buckle up you know what i'm saying and one thing i do want to talk about before we get off that's very important

It's not on the comical side. It's, you know, we don't want to listen to people when they talk to us. And maybe your parents or people around you tell you this shit, this is your uncle Joe, because this is the first thing my motherfucking told me when I came when I used to hit the streets or they, are you ready for this? Do me a favor. Keep your eyes open from now on. I went to the airport this week, and I looked around.

And if I'm lying to you people at the fucking counter, I started crying. Because I know, not crying like pouring tears, but a tear came out of my eye, and I got emotional like I always get. Because I know this isn't the first time somebody's going to get shot on there. Yeah. And from now on, do me a favor. You know what? I'm the first guy. I get high sometimes in the daytime, but you bet your fucking ass I pay attention. The other day I saw something really bad. I pulled up by my house. There was no parking. And I pulled up and some Mexicans were working like cutting a yard there. Yeah. And they didn't see me. And my wife got out and was taking the baby out. And the one guy stood behind my wife, he was just looking at her ass. You know? And I was fine. I told my wife, I go, did you see them there? And she goes, no. And I go, that's because you didn't look. I want you when you get out of the car Especially when you were your baby I know where your fucking surroundings are

If there's a guy in the corner He's 18 feet away At least you can measure your time To hit him with the fucking carriage on the head There's always And I tell you guys this Like I tell anybody Keep your eyes openly

Keep your fucking eyes open Forget your fucking phone And your fucking tweets And your fucking text I want you to keep your eyes open I was looking around this airport I was in Terminal 4 This weekend I fly virgin

so I have to go to Terminal 3. But last week, and I was in Terminal 4, and I could see it. I could see it happening. And it's a fucking shame that, you know, a TSA agent or anybody lost their life or anybody got fucking shot over this thing. And I don't want another of you motherfuckers

to be a casualty. No matter where you are, Stratton, keep your fucking eyes open. If you hang out with those dummy friends, I think they always got to talk. Don't hang with them. Because I want you paying attention. I want you looking at that fucking guy

with his hands in his pocket. I want you looking at that broad with her purse. I want you looking at that guy that's looking around and acting funny with a bag and I don't want you to jump on him or be a superhero. That's not what I'm telling you. I just want you to keep your eye on them and hit that motherfucker. You run like your assholes on fire if it goes down. If you got a piece, take that motherfucker out

and unload that motherfucker if he does something funny. But I just do me a favor. Keep your eyes open because I'm going to. I'm fucking going to. Because I said it a couple weeks ago and that night there was a shooting at the mall. It wasn't really the type of shooting we were talking about. It was a bullshit media thing just to promote fucking shootings. But still, the mall is next. Then it's going to be a fucking other school.

Then it's going to be a fucking park. Then there's going to be some fucking carnival. Okay? And you know what? When I go to places now, I'm like Tupac. I'm waiting to get shot. I've said it before. This is what we're going to feel like from now on.

It's going to become a phobia. It's scary. Right after the movie thing happened, I went on and saw a movie alone right before work. And this guy came in and it was an empty movie theater. He sat like four or five seats away from me. And he just left his backpack. and he left.

And I was like, the first thing I thought about was fuck. There's a bomb in there. There's something in there. Like, I got really paranoid. I almost called somebody

and he came back two seconds later with popcorn and soda. So I think God didn't call anybody. But just like, like, you have to be careful too because like I almost got fucking paranoid. Please.

Keep your fucking eyes open. It's not right. Just please. Just, uh, keep your fucking listen. Were any, were any comedians you know in the terminal that day?

That must have been. Not on the way out. On the way out. On the way back, no, I left on Thursday. On the way back, I saw Josh and Keene Rogers. The day the shooting happened at LAX. You know, I haven't heard nothing. I haven't heard from any comedians saying

if there's nothing been on Facebook and nothing boasted. But I'm not worried about comedians as much as anybody. Oh, you know, of course. This could be fucking anybody, guys. And as you can see, it happens fucking everywhere now. It happens everywhere. And that's what it's supposed to do. It's supposed to fucking scare the shit out of us.

You know, so please, just out of respect for the church, out of respect for yourself, you're all a bunch of fucking soldiers. Please, keep your eyes open. All right. Have a great day. Stay black and make this the best fucking week of your life, you bad motherfucker.

Slink some dick. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of it shows anytime, anywhere,

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