The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 11/12/2012 - The Church of What's Happening Now #28

Episode Date: November 13, 2012

It's Monday bitches! Get it together. Joey and Lee talk about cleanliness, and the movie, "The Thief." Comedian Josh Wolf calls in for one of the most entertaining calls we've had so far. Its no wonder Joey wont go back to Seattle.Streamed live on 11/12/2012

What is it, the 12th of fucking November? We're a week or two away from Thanksgiving. That's it, right? That's it. It's Thanksgiving next week. And you're here Monday morning with the church of what's happening now. Joey Cocoa Diaz. Play that Lisa.

It's up. It's Cisco kids. I got my man the flying Jew. What? Crank that shit, Lee. It's Monday. Kick the jams out. What?

Oh shit. You like the Cisco kid, Lee? Sling dick. Getting farts to the face. Forget about it. It's Monday. November 12th is how we do it here at the cat litter fucking studios. You know what I'm saying?

Lee Syatt, the flying Jew looking good. He got some sleep last night. It's fucking Monday. He's all happy New England won, but they can cover, as usual, those dirty cock suckers. Oh, they never cover against Bobbush? They fucking never cover fucking period. They just went Super Bowls and shit.

That's what with me. San Francisco Thai Lee told me. It was a great game, yeah. Lee was on the couch jumping and screaming, eating fucking Mimi San Diego. sandwiches. What's a Mimi's? I have no fucking idea.

Because they have a Mimi's down by the thing where I always meet Duncan and Glenn damn. They got a nice steak and eggs. It's no nice. It's not even on the fucking menu. Oh, really? Steak. You put the white bread under it. You're sliced into pieces. You get the fucking two eggs. Nice sunny side up like a doctor Lee.

Oh, that sounds great. Nothing but fucking protein for my man Lee. Then they wonder why I can't lose a fucking penit. You know, it's been rough. I got to go back to Weight Watches tonight probably. I'm going to go to 6 o'clock class tonight, I think. Because this morning it's a 12, I can't make the 12. I don't know the new point system.

You know, wait watches. They change it again? No, well, they had one for years. Oh, okay. And they revamped it. It's called the whatever it is points plus shit. And I'll tell you, it's confusing as fuck. You know, I never counted the fruit because that's how I wrote. I always eat the fruit in the middle.

No, it's good. You go to eat. Let's see you're going to eat dinner. You eat two fucking bananas before you go to dinner. How much of dinner are you going to eat? So at first you always, you always. want to cheat a little bit. That's how you cheat with fucking fruit, you know. Yeah, that'd be the good way to do it.

But this new system, the new points, I don't fucking understand that with the amounts and this and that, the actual points I get, they give you 50 fucking points. When I started to give me 41 points, now they doubled the points or something. You can have 60, but cut it down to 50. I just don't understand. All I know is I'm fucking stuck at a certain weight. I think I'm going to change my workout around too a little bit. That's it. I'm going to stop fucking around with weights and maybe run around the park or something or take the YMCA office

these group exercise classes, you know, like, that looks fun. Kick and burn and shit like that. And all those chicks are skinny, and you go in there. They do one that's like half cycling and half something else, and you go in there a couple nights a week.

There was a kickboxing place down to school, American kickboxing. They have a 10 o'clock class in the morning. Oh, okay. That's fucking tremendous. And I also called a buddy mine. He owns a jiu-jitsu school. I was just thinking about him.

The idea, not any Bravo. I forget me. I met him in New Mexico. He does a seven in the morning fucking jujitsu class. Oh, that screams you. That's the one I was going to fucking send you over there. They got to come over here five to seven, pick you up, and take you over there by seven.

Put a jiu-jitsu gear on you. Put a seven o'clock in the morning. See, I hate working out at night. Like, I was telling Eddie Bravo yesterday, for some reason, like by six o'clock, I can't fucking comprehend. My ADD is God. I mean, I don't even know if I have ADD,

whatever the fuck I have, being stoned. Like, if I go to, like, a karate class at six, I can't really understand what he's saying. I can't. Well, you're up all day, doing stuff. I got to think about the fucking moves too much. If I go on the morning, when I work out, I like to work out early, you know? I really do.

Like, right now, right from here, I could go work out. And you keep your metabolism up. Like, I was thinking of just fucking sitting the vapor 55 times and taking a walk after you leave. Just to, because in the morning, if you do that, when I first moved to North Hollywood, I used to take a walk. I used to walk my wife to the train. And then I fucking walk down, lankership.

That's the long street, too. And then I'd walk fucking back. I'll tell you what, it's a nice brisk fucking walk for you. Then I hurt my knee. And after I fucking hurt my knee, it was tough to walk. But my knee still fucking hurts, Lee. That surgery didn't do dick. You don't think so?

It did dick for a while. And then I bent over one day. I was doing something like a cat cow pose and yoga. And my fucking knee started fucking up. I'm doing a fucking cat cow pose. You're on all fours, and you just move your back and you breathe. and you're really stretching out your lower back. It's a really fucking great exercise.

Okay. You go in there, you're a little tight. Usually I like to do my aerobic exercise. Like, I hit the bag, and I ride the bike, and I do the Dolce treadmill. Yeah. The next day I come in and do a weight thing, and I ride the bike for 20 minutes warmer,

then I lift weights for about an hour. Then the next thing I do, the next day, I always mix it up with a yoga so I can stretch the muscle a different fucking direction. I can't imagine you doing yoga. Yeah, but it's a yoga fusion, you know, which is a lot of downward dogs, a lot of legwork. So I really like her name is Michelle.

I usually go today, and I usually go if I'm in town Thursday. I'm in town this Thursday. So I go see this chick Madison who's fucking amazing. She's a really good yoga teacher. She's really fucking hot. She does Thursdays between 8.30. She does a 6 o'clock class, but it's a power yoga. I can't fucking do power yoga.

You're doing 10 million fucking downward dogs, and, you know, Yama stays. You're fucking up. You're bending. You're up. You're bending. You're up, you're bending. You know, the power yoga on Wednesday, but I ain't no joking. Then on Thursday, I got this chick called Tanya, and she's German.

I call her Joe the German because she speaks with a German accent. You know, she does the whole fucking thing, bend over. And you're like, oh, I'm a Nazi fucking German. This is all I mean. I should have brought Louis Litas, Lakers, and fly around. Like the flying fucking Jew. It's Monday, Lee Coxucker. Let me tell you something.

I don't know what you're thinking, what your state of mind is. Today's your day, motherfucker. fucker go out there and whatever you want to do do it you know if you're looking to quit smoking so what you fucking smoked yesterday today you got another fucking chance you can't stop sucking dicks or smelling assholes today's another fucking chance whatever you want to do go out there and do it it's monday bro just focus and turn this into your playing for you know somebody asked me last night why don't take text you know like why is the real reason you don't take text messages and i said i tell you why because i want everybody i need to control one thing of my playing field

Your life is your playing field. So if you fall for every fucking thing you fall for, your playing field, you never be playing at home. You always playing away. Do you know what I'm saying? Explain that. Explain it. Like, if every fucking month, every two months,

I got to change my life for people. Like one month that's MySpace. Right, for a long time it was Myspace. Myspace fizzled off. Then it was fucking Facebook. And then after that was Twitter. So now what's going to come next? So if I fucking, at 50, if I say, you know what?

After Twitter, I'm not going. nowhere. People keep hitting me up saying, hey, how come you not on my life cock sucker? You know, how come you're not on strung out hoes? You know, you're still on Twitter. You're so old school. If you don't control your life at some point, you're always being playing away. You always be playing away on the way field. Okay. You follow me? If you control a little bit of your fucking life every fucking day, you control your playing field. If you tell motherfuckers, call me instead of texting me and they text and they miss the fucking boat, and you stick to it. When you make a decision on something, you stick to the guns and you control.

your fucking playing field. You know what I'm saying? That's just how it works out sometimes. That's true. Whether it's athletics, whether it's working out, whether it's setting personal goals, whether it's stopping to do drugs,

you know, like when I stop doing fucking drugs, when I stop doing coke, there's some people that stop doing coke but still go out and fight it every night. Just drop that whole thing from your fucking life. Yeah, well, I torture yourself or put yourself. You have to control your playing field in your fucking life. You get a couple of advantages,

and if you don't control it, then, you know, I do the same shit, every week, as boring as it may seem to some people, because I know that's where it took me, it took me to a certain place. Like, I answer people's emails on Sundays. I watch Dexter for a little while, and I get up and I answer emails, and then I go back and watch a little bit of 60 fucking minutes.

But I do that every week, no matter what happens at 5.30 to 6.30. That's just how boring and much of a loser I am. But continuity controls everything. You know, you have to stick it out for the miracle to happen. A lot of people don't stick around and wait for the miracle. to happen. You know, you might work out for two weeks and not lose a fucking ounce. And you might give up, but maybe your body was, metabolism was slow and you didn't get a jump on it. Don't quit until the fucking miracle happens, man. I got into this shit. I was a criminal when I

took to comedy. And I just kept doing more comedy and more comedy and more comedy. Don't get me wrong. I still feel like fucking shooting people from time to time and stealing something or saying to myself, why the fuck am I doing this? I should be selling blow. But I kept with it. You know, I kept with it. I get up in the mornings and I twit. I twit for a couple of reasons. I twit because I know if I say to myself it's going to be a beautiful fucking day to be alive. If I keep saying it over and over,

it's going to be a beautiful day to be alive. You can't fucking lose. You can't fucking lose, Lee. You know what I'm saying? Especially when you, because you probably get a lot of positive feedback back from people reading it. So that was that, like, whenever I get positive stuff back, that makes me feel good. Well, you're putting it around. You're putting it out there.

If I get up every morning and go, fuck, I got to go to work today. My work day's going to be hard. If I go to If I get up in the morning and go, fuck today's going to be a good fucking day, dog. Regardless, if I got to take a bus, I got to take, you know, walk three blocks, I'm still fucking alive, which is what this whole thing is about,

to be fucking alive, right or wrong. What are you fucking upset about, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, and cocksucker. I want to be around, Lee. It's Monday, a little something from my mom to pick up the fucking pieces like your uncle Joey, like you think you're all alone today.

I'm with you, cock suckers, I'm with you. I'm right there getting my fucking ass kick, too. Every fucking day I got to do something. You guys stink because I got a commercial. Rishol running that I'm a fucking big shot fuck no I gotta start from scratch again tomorrow Hit it Lee you bad motherfucker Lee look at you I wanted to play at the beginning but you switched it out of me

We gotta switch him up and keep the fucking you know I want to do it Lee yeah baby This is nice to music no drama See how nice You pick up your little girl from a dancer who's want to play before they fart in your face sleep I'm going to put like a little ambulance, little matches behind you. I thought you were going to play some of that stuff from yesterday, some of that Santana. We haven't decided yet.

I talked to the chick last night. She's got plans for you. Hit it Lee. Somebody who will swear to be true. You having a good time? You smoke some dope this morning, only? Yeah, I smoked a little bit, and I smoked last night. Did you?

Yeah, I have to. It's the mixture of no soda. and weed, it puts me to sleep. Because I don't mind taking sleeping pills. When I have to. Well, don't take no sleeping pills. They're going to fuck me. No, but what I was going to say is, what do you take? Just over the counter, just like a...

And you wake up really hung over in the morning. A little bit. That's what I was going to say. No soda and weed. Just a little bit. Like, I'm not like you. I'm not going to get stoned and start puking green. But the little bit that I smoke, like a little bit out of a one-hitter, it does magic.

It's all you need. Yeah. You know, and people, everybody's on these fucking pills. It's ambion. and this and this. Get the fuck off that shit. Get the fuck off that shit. Are you crazy people?

Are you fucking crazy? I don't drink and I don't smoke pot. I've never done a drug in my life, but you're taking fucking ambient. And you wait, you forget about shit in the morning. You don't know what the hell is going on. Bro, look at me. I love drugs, and I hate sleeping pills.

I don't know what it was. You said you used to take like six of them and, like, it wouldn't do anything. No, for sleep apnea. When I first had the first sleep, when I first had sleep happening, I didn't know what the fuck was going on with my body. I didn't all I know is I'm going to bed at one And at 1.45 I'm walking around

I'm confused That's the worst And then I would fall asleep at 4 and get up I used to have to sit in a fucking tub Lee for an hour with hot water on Just to come yourself down? No I would sit and that would help me go to sleep My apartment in Hollywood

When I lived with Terry there We lived there for 10 years Because it was rent control There's one bedroom We had so much furniture and shit in the house We couldn't even move with the cats but one thing they had was the reason why we didn't leave there was we had free parking we had a garage

we had those go around the back and we had endless amounts of hot water you don't know how many times have been at somebody's house who they paid $8 million for and two people take a shower and then the other guy's got to sit there like a mom more for 30 minutes until the tank fills up again really what is this 19 fucking 10

so you paid all this shit for this nice house but two people take a shower and the hot water's fucking gone this apartment building I could put the hot water on at one and at six it still be steaming in the bathroom the paint when you come off the wall you don't know how many times I got a pillow put a plastic baggie around it

got in the fucking bed got in the tub put a pillow back there and turn the hot water on and just lay there fucking are you serious? Ask my wife on Sunday nights I would take a three four hours shower I would scrub my fucking toes in between my toes

scratch the fucking bad shit out from my nutsack You got a pillow and put a plastic bag around? That's my fucking wife, though. First thing I do when I check into a hotel on the road, when I fly, is take my fucking clothes off. I get high, and I sit in that fucking hotel tub for an hour. I bang one out, I fucking come on my thighs like a savage. And then I just sit there in the heat and the steam,

and I'll sit there for two hours in the tub. Nothing makes me more creative. Nothing breaks down my day more than when I'm in a fucking tub sitting there with hot water hitting me in the face, and I'm naked. my back. I think of so many fucking jokes. Do you like hot tub is two or just... No, no, I can't stand swimming around in sperm and fucking

shit, fuck that shit. I'm talking about your own hot water when you sit there and just turn it out and I sit against the wall and I just think. That's, I wouldn't have guessed you did that in a million years. It's my life. That's like the movies when the girls go in with like some candles

out and they're like a... No, no, no, no. They're no candles, there, there ain't nobody. It's just Joey like fucking a monkey on a fucking rocket ship headed to the moon. Do you bring your iPod or something? No, how are you going to bring your iPod? You're in underwater. Put it down?

Oh, you go underneath? I fucking sit on the tub like a dock and let the water hit me. I closed the door. I put the temperature to fucking zero. So there's steam everywhere. You can't even see me. And I sit in there like a grape till I fucking shrink up like a fucking raising league. Oh my God.

You didn't know that, don't? That's my favorite everything in the world, people's taking showers. I can't imagine not taking a fucking shower. When I see this catastrophe and New York, all I'm thinking about when I'm looking at these people is that they're not taking showers. That would fucking kill me. I do not. That's why I don't go camping.

You got to sit there for three days with spermy, fucking nuts and dirty feet with your kids, jumping up and down with bad breath. We could take a shower in the lake. What are you? What are you? What are you? A fucking caveman or some shit? I used to go camping, but

there'd better be like a little fag showers there so every day can go over and take a shower. But that should have been dirty. I've never, I've never, I've never understood that, though. I like, on the average here, I take three a day. No, you don't. Yes, I do. I take one before you come.

Yeah. Right? Before I go to yoga. Today, I'll take a shower before I go to yoga. Before? Yeah, I'm one of those guys. I want people to be fucking respectful of me, so I'm respectful. You know, a lot of people go to Jiu-Jitin. They say people show up after nine hours of work

with that rotten fucking ass and your feet stinking, and you're sweating and your breath and your fucking head and you're smoking dope all day. If I'm going to have contact with you, I'm going to take a fucking ass. fucking shower guy. That's the most respect I could do for you as a human fucking being. When I go to coffee bean the

morning, I see a chick at 9 in the morning and she's got that rat's nest in her head. And the pajamas on? No, not even the pajamas on. Like, she's dressed okay, but you can see she brushed her hair instead of washing off. What does her ass smell like? What's her pussy smell like? It's been sitting there in an underwear all night, fucking gaining

heat and strength and heat, and now you're going to go to work without washing that fucking monkey? I thought you'd like that. Well, to eat that monkey in the morning, yeah. But I don't want you to leave the house like that because by 3 o'clock your pussy and your ass going to smell like a fucking sewer. I mean, this is just, when you see a woman in the morning and she's all dialed up

and she's got that little rats nest in the back of her fucking head, you've got to think to yourself. She didn't wash her ass before she left the fucking house. Well, if she took a shower at 6 o'clock, she took enormous shit at 7 o'clock. What's her ass? You know, at night your ass sweats and you get all that slush and moushing there and shit like that? What are you going to do? You're not going to wash your fucking ass

before you go to work? Now, man, we can be a little fucking filthy. Women get off by the smell of that musk coming out of your fucking nutsack and that smell of, you know, but I'm not saying, and I'll take a shower for fucking three days. Oh, no, you have to take a shower every day. I'll take a shower every day. I'll take a shower every day. When you wake up in the morning

you wash your fucking pussy, when you get home from work, don't even talk to me. Go in the fucking shower, guy. What are you talking to me for? You've been out there having contact with people. You've got all these fucking immigrants coming from all over, bringing their shit. You're touching their fucking hands. They're washing you, tapping you in the back. Good job. How you're doing? People touching.

wash your fucking ass. When I get off the stage, first thing I do is take a shot when I come home. Just from being up at the fucking stage, people are breathing at you. You got 300 people laughing breathing at you. That shit's coming to you. You know the spectacles that stick onto you? Look at my face. I've got

enough fucking problems. I got holes. I'm fucking ugly, and I want germs on me. I'm not, dog. Cleanliness is next to godliness. Let's get this shit out of the fucking way. You wash your pussy in the morning. You wash your pussy when you get back. And then at night before you bring the germs onto your filthy fucking couch.

You wash your pussy again. You wash your feet. You know what I'm saying? You brush your fucking teeth. I only got a few teeth left. That fucking green tint from the THC. But my mouth is fucking clean. You know what I'm saying?

We all get bad breath, blacklist of rene. You got to try to fucking wash yourself, guy. So what did you do in prison? I took three showers a fucking day. I thought you only go like one every couple of days. You get how many showers you want. When you first get to the DOC

and all that shit, you take a couple showers. Like they give you a shower every three days. days, but that was only for a week. Okay. You know, but then they would say that if you want to take a shower, you sign up for an additional shower. I'll fucking go down there.

I'll fucking go down that. You know, and then once I got to my destination, the showers is in your area. So I would take a shower in the morning when I got up and then the afternoon, bro, you're killing time. Okay. When you're killing time, you'll take 19 fucking showers. You know, when you're waiting to go to court

and you can't sleep at night, I used to get up and take a shower in prison. Everybody else is sleeping. You're going to shower, just keep your eye open. You got to keep watching. the fucking door. You don't know if the invisible man is a cock sucking, he wants to come put a fucking cooie in your cullo? You never know, bro, but you got to, I don't believe of being dirty at no level. That's why it was very hard for me at first established the deadheads.

I love Grateful Dead. And I go to the fucking constant that smelled like a carnival, a fucking armpit and ass. You know, you don't know what it is to live in bold. I used to go to karate, and there was this girl that looked like a young Mariah Carey, beautiful. I used to go to Taekwondo in Boulder. And I remember that I used to. to do these moves. Il-Su-Sheek's day runs. It was one step sparring. Okay.

And one of the moves I had to, like, put my arm under her. And I remember, like, taking the arm back and trying to get into fighting position. And I smelled something horrific. It was just fucking horrific. It smelled like an onion. It didn't fucking sweat. And it was her armpit.

And after a couple days, I asked my karate teacher. It was a cool motherfucker. I said, can I talk to you in the personal? You got to tell all these things. He fucks a take shot. And he's like, oh, don't get me started. He goes, they're against something so they don't wear armpit deodorant. They don't want the aluminum.

It's going to destroy the fucking system. Listen, I don't give a fuck if whatever you're spraying is going to burn the moon out in the sun. I don't give a fuck. Don't be stinking next to me. That's all I ask. Don't come to me with that fucking granola shit. That, you know what? You ever smell of one of those vegetarians, though?

Yeah. In Los Phillies? They're fucking kicking. They're fucking kicking. Okay, you want to be a vegetarian, that's fine. I know you're trying to be healthy. But save your fucking nasty body kicks to yourself. Put the odor on and wash that fucking rotten carrot from your neck.

What about the girls with dreadlocks? Like the white girls are you ever smell a fucking dreadlock? Oh, they're gross. Oh, and when you see a girl with a dreadlock, you might as well grab and stab her. And end of the night. When I see a white guy with a fucking dread like, I want to stab him in the fucking neck. Because what's the purpose? You're stinking up the place to prove what?

So you're stinking up my fucking cow. to prove that you're who, that you're what? That your exodus, his fucking cousin or something like that. Go take a shower, you filthy motherfucker. All that shit, I can't stand. I never understood that. I don't care what your fucking movement is. You got to go wash your fucking ass at least twice a day.

I don't care what your fucking movement is. I got movements too, but you got to jump in that fucking shower. You got to wear deodorant. You can't, you know, be offensive to fucking people like that, like stinking like that. I have nothing against whatever these people are, the new brand of people coming in from Persia. or whatever, but some of these motherfuckers

forget to put deodorant on. You ever got a catch of one of these Arabs when they got no fucking deodorant on? It stinks fucking bad. And I like you guys, I'm not disrespecting nobody. When you walk him with that fucking robe and no deodorant and it smells like a fucking armpit and you got those sandals on

and your toes are dry. I can't stand that shit. When I see your fucking feet are all dry and shit and to boot your stinking, God knows when was last time you wash your ass, it's like a fucking lottery ticket. It's like a Jeopardy question. You know, when was the last time this guy washed this fucking ass?

Oh, must have been three fucking days ago. Don't even get me started. I'm not taking showers, dog. Don't even get me started. I've never understood the concept of giving up fucking showers or not washing your asshole. No matter what your movement is,

you got to wash. Cleanliness is next to godliness. You know what I'm saying? People must do that a lot to you because you take those early flights. So people must just wake up and just go. I will fucking kill you if you sit on a plane next to me stinking.

I will say something. I've said shit before Fuck yeah I just pay $400 for a plane ticket A 500 dollars for a plane ticket You're gonna not take a shower And sit next to me You're a stinky ass

I will fucking tell I will crime stop your ass I am not a rat But if you don't take a shower And you sit next time With that fucking cung-ho Breath and you're Thinking up a fucking storm

Like armpit I will fucking say something to you I've said it to people before I have said it before I don't give a fuck how rude it is man You can't sit next in with that armpit funk Those people that keep putting that jacket on over and over, and you can smell the fat.

Bro, I smell my shirts. Smells like fucking fat. You know, after I take a shirt off, it smells like bacon and chopsticks and fucking, you know what I'm saying? I know what the fuck I smell like. We all fucking have olders them. You're not aware of them and you're going to infringe them on somebody. You know, no, no.

You don't want to wash your ass and you want to sit home for three days and let that sheet of grease on your hair. You ever see those chicks? Yeah. With the sheet of grease on their hair? Who let you out of the fucking house? Who let you out? Your husband, your boyfriend, your parents, with that shit of grease on your fucking head? Come on, guy.

Oh, shit. I never knew this about you. Yeah, I don't like none of that shit. When I see a dude with sandals on, the daytime, his feet is encrusted, I don't understand that concept. So speaking of that commercial, when you got out of that flower over you,

how many showers did you take after that? Oh, I took six days. They washed me down there, but that's not dirt. Yeah, that's true. That's not dirt. When you play football, and you get muddy,

that's not fucking dirt. I'm talking about when you go two days without a shower, when you take a shower and don't put the odor on. When you take your clothes off and they're sweaty and you put them back on over your clean body and now you got the funk from yesterday coming out of your fucking thing. You know, my wife, she knows that I put a pair of pants and I throw them on the

fucking thing. I got 20 pairs of jeans because I don't like even wearing the same pants twice. Oh, you won't? Fuck, no. I even got like 10 pair fucking pants that looked the same. I bought them at the same place. There's some days, if I'm not doing nothing, I'll say, those pants aren't dirty. But I never understood none of that shit. My mom was a fucking clean freak dog.

I've been telling you, motherfucker. I see through a fuck. I've never seen a woman clean like that, so that's what I'm used to. My mother used to always said there was no excuse for a woman being fucking dirty, that a man could be dirty. I think we got a call come in.

What time is? Is it that time? What's happening, brother? What are you doing, man? You know, over here thinking about you, my brother Josh Wolf is calling in today. How are you, my good, sir? I'm doing well, man.

How are you? You, now what time do you get up to do this? Five. Holy shit. How long have you known me, dog? I get up early all the fucking time. I know, I know, I know. It's amazing to me, though.

It's amazing. Like, I don't think people know that about you were up. What time do you get up, up, ready to go, up. Five. That's amazing. You know, I never understood Josh Wolf how people. I used to have a friend that would get up. He would rub his feet.

He would sit up. get coffee, get a pack of cigarettes, read the paper. And 50 minutes in, he's still sitting there, and life is going on. I don't mind you doing that, but get up, wash your pussy first, then, but at least get the day going, you know what I'm saying? Well, here's the best thing about it, is that I've known you for years, but when you used to get in at 4 in the morning, you'd still get up at 5 in the morning. Always, bro.

I was saying, like, it wasn't like you, when we used to go out, out and be up, when you went to sleep, you still got up early. Like, it wasn't like you slept, ever slept in until 1 p.m. ever? I didn't have the time. No, you never did. I didn't have the time.

You don't have the time. Only fucking rich people sleep. And people don't need to be somewhere, though. Who the fuck, you know what I'm saying? You had the three kids by yourself. You couldn't sleep, and I know you wanted to sleep. You wanted to sleep You got in that one with me

But you had no fucking choice You know And I think people should take that the same way When you lived in that back away I mean Joey used to live I went to the house in Seattle That had a little When you first got to Seattle

You lived in my little What would you call that Backhouse? No, when I first got there We lived with Mark Madison Up in fucking that town hell We had the dog shut downstairs I walked down there

Oh where he's dog used to shit on the floor Oh there was a mattress And there was dog shit everywhere I used to have to sweep, but every time I lift the weights down there. Oh, his little, he had that, he had that fucking Dalmatian. We did that the house was a shithole, but his Dalmatian, he used to cook eggs in the morning. And his Dalmatian would watch him cook eggs and shit on the kitchen floor as you watched them cook eggs. And then Mark would sit at the dining room table with a big steaming pile of shit on the kitchen floor and eat his fucking eggs.

It's fucking crazy. It drove me fucking crazy, Doug. That Dalmatian was bananas. That was, wait, when you first got there, how long until your first little stint from where I was getting collect calls from you? Okay, I got Seattle in June and 95, and my first problem with Carol was, when was it?

Because first I got arrested for arguing with her. on that first thing it was harassment the first thing I told the story in Portland my first day in Seattle I got a ticket for jaywalking and that should have been a sign right there I should have the fuck out of that because if somebody gives you a ticket for jaywalking you don't want to live there

I remember how mad you could not believe that shit oh you could tell what these fucking white people oh these fucking white people gave me my own business across the street I think what you told me too was At first you said they were pulling you over Because like they were trying to protect you from something That's what I thought

That was getting hit by a car in the street or something I'm like thank you officers They're like no we gotta give you a ticket for fucking jaywalking It was the jaywalking and then it was the harassment And then December was when I almost fucking strung her to death When she did something And they threw me in jail for a month And then I got out

And then I stayed out for a long time And then you gave me to hit the exorcist on a Monday morning at 8 in the morning and I had the restraining order against it and I went over and tried to give her a stabbing and the neighbor called the cops I mean I went under the bed and the bed was going up and down from my stomach

being so fucking big so they threw me in jail and the ecstasy hit me in the holding cell as I was getting fingerprinted I turned into fucking I started singing Rian songs in the fucking fingerprinting so people knew there was something wrong with me where have you been the best thing Carol I remember How did they know Joey was under the bed?

And she goes, well, his stomach was so big. It looked like the mattress was breathing. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I remember the day I threw a computer out the fucking window. I almost killed. I threw that fucking $300 because he owe me $300. I threw a computer and her shoes out the fucking window.

When you told me you arrested for a guy, you were like, next time I got arrested for doing something to her. It's going to be worth it. Yeah, because I think you felt like you went to jail and it wasn't, like you didn't even get anything out of it. No, if you had an argument with somebody, and they go, I'm calling the police, that's your time to hit him with a fucking frying pan

and break their fucking skull, because if the cops are going to come, you might as well make it be worth it. Why are you going to go to jail for, like, harassment or intimidation? Fuck no, take the whole fucking leg out. Just kick them in the fucking head. You know, and it's funny that you talk about, that the other day I was talking

somebody about bad relationships and that was a fucking never-ending armpit and everybody's gone through one everybody's gone through one where you hook up with a chick and the pussy's good and you really want to stab up

but it's so much drama but the pussy's so good you love it I never understood I never understood I understood that Joe Diaz but you're that thing with Carol lasted

how long how many years four fucking years you know and I was coming off my divorce which I was fucking angry. And then me Carol, which is like putting fucking gasoline on a match.

But once she let me stick a bottle in her pussy in Seattle, that's why I knew I had to stick around for a while. Because you don't mean a lot of chicks that let you put a wine bottle in their fucking monkey. No, I picture that's probably one out of a thousand. That's one out of a thousand, you know. It's amazing what we'll put up with when a lady is doing, like when a lady sticks your tongue up your asshole,

we'll take a little bit more fucking, we'll do the dishes, we'll take a, yelling, you know what I'm saying? It's amazing how stupid we fall into it. Not lying to you. Me and Gavin and I, I was always like, how long until Joey killed her? I was like, at some point,

we both thought, and this is Seattle, not when you were down here, but in Seattle, we both thought, how long until she shows up dead and Joey, Joey disappears after that time when you were arrested on ecstasy, I was like, it's a matter of time. It's a matter of time.

I thought there's no way she survived because one time it's got something's going to happen it's going to be accidental and he's going to be with one now I'm going to have to bury I would have to chop that bitch up and buried and lit the body on fire I remember one time the cops were looking for me

I had to jump in a pool like James Bond and the cops didn't even look in the swim pool I was hiding under the water I'm fucking I mean you can't tell these stories Joshua I can't repeat these stories the last time I fought with Carol was on Martel Street in front of Gavin Boyd's house

she had a fucking can of that spray that you spray in somebody's eyes when they're raping you. Yeah. And I had a fucking pork roast. Not a pork roast, like a brisket or a big piece of meat. And I was about to hit her with the fucking big piece of meat.

And I'm whipping quarters at her. In the middle of Martel on a Sunday. You know, that's not necessary in your life. I had no point. I remember this? I went on the road for a long time. We came back and I had a showcase and you met me at the improv.

and she showed up with a fucking really steroid guy. Do you remember this? What I said to you, I looked at you in the face, and you go, who's that? And I go, that's her new boyfriend. I go, if she thinks I beat her up, went to this fucking guy, knocks the fuck out of her, all juiced up.

We fucking laughed our asses. Yeah. Didn't she date, like, she did also some old, like, Indian, not like Native American Indian, but like. No, she dated a Hindu. Hindu. That was, like, 64 with one foot in the grass. one of the banana peel.

He died, left the 2-mill. Then she dated a Greek dude that was retarded. Josh, he came up here. The guy's like, where do I get? Let me tell you how retarded he is. He went to like one of those teeny bop-a-bars in Hollywood and bought Blow. And they said to him, don't open it until you get outside. And when he got up the corner, it was baby powder.

And then he went to Miami and he ran over a cop. That's why he had to leave the country. He ran over a cop with his car, bro. I remember Carol Talent wasn't I with you when she told us that she was just waiting

for that Indian guy to die That's it She got two million from that guy Once he got She hung on a note For two years She was sucking that curry dick It tasted like fucking

Bacala With fucking death on it She tolerates a lot of I'm just I don't mind I don't mind fucking him I'm just waiting For him to die

I remember one time I wasn't even dating And I walk in the room And she's playing with a pussy And later on she said to me Why don't you put your dick in my mouth That would have helped me I mean she was

She just called in You know she called in And she told these beautiful viewers Listeners that she got arthritis And her wrist From giving hand jobs She's still stripping She's still stripping

She's still stripping She's still stripping She still has two sugar daddies She had that retarded sugar daddy That bit smack a couple times couple times that guy was fucking retarded bro wait wait wait she's still stripping she's still stripping she got listen no no no you don't know that she bought one of those women's gyms remember curbs yeah she bought about six of those and sold them before the bottom fell

out for all the dough how about it let me let me let me ask you something does it bother you or shock you at all that she's got more money than all of us that stupid motherfucker no it just goes to show you that she was thinking because she's always saved everything. That bitch would rather light her pussy on fire and suck a bald guy on the street than break a $20 bill. That was your biggest

thing with her. She's got to be worth... That was all your fights, Joe Diaz. She's got about... You know, she's got about seven houses right now. You have $10,000 under your mattress and you won't buy me a coffee. Oh, she was as cheap. She's got about six houses right now. Four of them were rental houses. This bitch, she's still

sucks dick she charges you 100 for a blowjob and 200 to let a fuck her at the strip club in Tampa I'm not kidding I wish I was fucking lying to you bro I have to see what she looks like right now what do you look right now go on Facebook she gained maybe uh she gained maybe 30 pounds since you last seen she got gigantic tits she's got two kids she's got two kids no she never got the fake tits she just got all those teeth she doesn't she doesn't give a fuck dog did she did she did she did she buy my Did she buy some more teeth? I think she bought like nine extra teeth and put them in there.

She looks like Sigournea Weaver met fucking a dentist. It's fucking crazy when we talk about her. And she still calls. Once a month, you'll call me and knock me off my seat with a story. Here's the thing. Like, I never believed, honestly, when you first said to tell me stories about her, I was like, there's no way. I was like, he's got to be lying about this shit.

not of every single one of those true. I could not believe. It was, I almost, it's like you could not make somebody like that up. She was so ridiculous. And so, not only was she so cheap, but you're right, she would have got anything for money and was so open about talking about fucking people, their blow jobs or hand jobs, it didn't matter. She didn't care.

It's amazing. You know, you see these women who lie to you about it. Like, I didn't really fuck them. I just kind of sucked this dick. What do you mean kind of suck this dick? Cat will tell you I sucked his dick. I stung his tongue in my tongue up his ass. Doug, she was, I remember one time I was banging her in the ass

and I found like a little aluminum foil. I told you about that. No. Yeah, man. She was crazy. She was crazy. Another time I had a wine bottle in her pussy, and they would suck the vacuum out of the period.

And they fucking went into the bottle, and I almost fainted in Seattle, right there at the fucking beach, wherever we were. Who lets you stick a wine bottle in that pussy at the beach, Doug. Who? Who? Tell me who. Was there anything that she ever said no to? Nothing. You could ask her to do anything. You'd come on a face or eyeball. She didn't give a fuck, Doug. That's what was so crazy about

it. That's why you can't pass that up. An opportunity like that. She would even let me choke her. One time in Miami, for New Year, she told me to beat her up. I was fucking. She couldn't even go out New Year's Eve. She had a black eye. She didn't give a fuck. She didn't give a fuck. Hey, now, now she, did she have a kid? Two kids with the Greek guy. The Greek guy ran over the cop, fucked her, left to Greece, came back in the country,

fucked her, and he got arrested. That's how crazy it is. That's how crazy her life is. She could write a book. I told her to start writing her memoirs, but. She, but now, her kid, how old are those kids? And her kids, she still strips. And she still strips and girls are boys?

girls and she's part of the PTA and she's part of the neighborhood watch they don't know she's a stripper because she strips 100 miles away so in her neighbor she walks around like she's just a dumb chick with big tits little do they know that she makes fucking 2,000 a fucking hour down there

let me ask you another question because a lot of girls who will let you do fucking anything to them they let you do anything to them but they're not enjoying they're enjoying it they just don't mind whatever the fuck because what didn't she What did she raise the fucked up? What happened to her?

She was raising a cult. A cult, that's right. Her parents put her in a fucking cult with nine of people. You're not going to believe this shit when you hear this. You know, and she talks to the parents, and that's one thing that always got me. If my parents put me in a cult and let the cult leader and the other people abuse me,

it was like Jonestown in Indiana. It was like Jonestown guys. This is, they only ate what they fucking killed. She used to drink blood pudding. You know, at night the owner of the cult leader would come and get you and bring you to his room and she he fucked all the sisters i mean the family if you look at the family half of them look like the father and the other half looked like something different

and the allegations of that the co-leader was the father of these kids and they know it i was trying to talk with to suing those fucking parents i'm like you got to sue those motherfuckers and make a case and don't let the butt you know what those kids are devoted and they they live their life like nothing ever happened and i you know what man uh i give them a lot of credit it was a father's Walt, they were weak. I mean, you wouldn't join a cult with your wife, knowing that they were going to torture your fucking kids and beat your kids.

I think she, I remember you telling me, like, she, when she was young, the cult leader was fucking her. Oh, yeah, all of them, all of them. He was fucking all the kids, all the kids when you talk to them. You know they have some sadness in their life over something. You know, I had the same

sadness growing up, but it's because I lost my parents. They had both had all their parents and their siblings. So you could tell there's something deeper and I always uh I didn't even like being around their family because they sold out the kids how do you sell like your fucking kids I think you know one thing that people used uh when you used to babysit for my kids and people used to ask me all the time why do you that because when you were babysitting you still had pretty you there's still a little bit of a criminal element right with you and people used to ask me why

Why do you, why would you let him babysit your kids? Everybody knew how much below you did. I was still the criminal. I was like, listen, first of all, because I knew that you would, whatever would happen, you may come over with $200 with a coke in your pocket, but you would still also jump. You had such a soft spot,

or still do, have such a soft spot in your heart for kids. I don't think people understand that. I think, but a lot of that comes from how you were brought up. You know, when we used to take, talk about doing crimes together. When we stole that safe, remember that we stole that safe? But I was like, I would talk about being there,

and you would say, no, no, no, you can't be here. I mean, you were like, you can be involved in the planning and all that stuff, but you can't be here, and I would say, why? And you'd say, you have a family. If I go to jail, I don't know, you would say you can't go to jail, you have a family. Like, that was a big thing for you, but a lot of that was how you grew up because you knew what it was like,

That was what... We all know what it's like to be a kid and how we want to be treated as a kid. And when I see kids around, bro, I try to treat them like a kid. I try to treat them like a kid, but with respect. You got to give kids respect for them to be anything. My mother was a lot of bad things. She did blow in front of me. But one thing she did was she respected me.

I had an opinion. I did what the fuck I wanted. You know, and with kids, you have to give them the same dedication. They know. they know if you got their back you know those kids that you have those aren't your bloodline but they know you love them

you know your son your oldest got deployed to Afghanistan I know you gotta nod in your stomach before he went he came to see you in a way he came to thank you for what you did when it comes to kids man they'll get fucked up for life if you fuck

with them why would you fuck with a kid why the fuck would you fuck with a kid that you know it's going to affect years later So, you know, I know one thing, Josh Wolf, that there was plenty of opportunities people had to fuck me in the ass. When my mother died, I was fucking vulnerable, you know, and I had plenty of opportunities where people do whatever they wanted to do to me. There was a year that you could probably do whatever you wanted to do to me because you can't figure out why God took your mother and father.

So you're going to be vulnerable. Thank God nobody did those things to me. nobody ever tried to do anything like that to me you had a couple people step up to me for you yeah no no so I understand what it feels like when you have kids I understand the respect you have to give them just because they're kids you still got to respect them I can't understand the Sandusky thing Josh Wolfe

I can't understand so many things about children you know when a little girl I was at my friend's house and they have a little five-year-old girl on the center of the couch and she comes over to me she's like Uncle Joey my thing is burning And I'm like, what are you talking about? She's like, my thing between my legs are burning dog. I was never in such a distressed in my life

that this little girl would run back to and say, Mommy, Mommy, my thing is on fire. And she went back there and told her mom, my friends, and they have kids and shit that her thing is on fire. And the mom goes, go wash it. And I'm like, ooh, I'm off the hook. She probably thought she came in here in the living room. That shit would destroy me.

This little girl trying to tell me that her little monkey was on fire. What should she do? She's five years old. I don't even like being around. girls that are 18, never mind five or six, you know. You have to have respect for your kids, and you love your children too, whether they're yours or not, man, because you know.

I remember the first time, you know, I had a conversation like that with my daughter when she came out, she told me that her squeety hurts. I remember that. There's no woman in the house, you know? And you're looking around for cameras, you're looking for the guy from fucking dateline. And I, you know, it's like if somebody had a boo-boo,

You know, when your kid has a little, they come on, like, I got boo-boo. You said, let me take a look at it. But I'm like, I don't, you know, I'm like, I don't know what to do. I go, see your squeety hurts bed. She goes, yeah. And then she said, just like that, she looked seven. She goes, will you look at it? I like, I don't think I can do it.

No. I think that's against the law for me to look at that. But I know you could go sit in the bath, and maybe you could talk to me through the door and tell me what you see, because I can't sit here a good contest and look at your squeety, I don't think. I think I can do that. Yeah, no, it's different. But I think what you know also, you know what it's like.

Absolutely. Right? Absolutely. All right. So what you have that really. Oh, my God. It sticks with you forever. When you, you know, when you fuck with a kid, it sticks with you forever.

And the other point, you know, it's funny because a couple weeks ago, I turned on Chelsea and there you are with your hat on. It was the episode with Will Farrell. You know? Yeah, funny. I'm fucking hysterical. And I'm looking at you. I'm like, look at you.

He's all preppy today. Those motherfuckers knew we robbed the safe together. That was the heaviest thing I've ever lifted in my life, cock's sucker. I did that safe solo. I carried it downstairs. And when I got out and put in the trunk of the car, the cops were in the parking lot waiting for people to go by. I thought I was gone.

That whole safe story is fucking amazing. Me and your buddy, though. I thought we were walking with $40,000. Oh, you? There was laundry money in there. When I gave you that can of fucking jars, of pennies. I was so mad.

We were fucking. You're like, you sure you didn't rob me, dog? No, ask the other guy that was nothing in there. I could not wait. Here's me,

I couldn't wait, because the whole plan was, we would make it look like, you know, who knew who did it? Because I was planning on being out of, I was out of town on the road. So they didn't know

it was an inside job, right? How would, how, how did it up for you to go in that place? You told me, you couldn't carry the safe down the stairs. They were wooded.

stairs. Oh my God. And you broke the stairs with the safe. That was the thing they were the maddest about because they couldn't get back upstairs to their office. I just picked up that safe and threw it down the stairs. It was going boom, boom, boom, fucking making

noises. Then I had to throw it down the thing and then I had to open the back door. Then you fucking buddy the lip, I didn't know where he was. I had to look for him and shit and then carry it outside. And then we fucking had to open it with a blow torch and then take it back to the fucking lake and throw it in there.

What did you say there was $27 in quarter? 27. There's nothing worse than having your... It's like being hungry for a steak. And you get home and somebody ate your fucking steak. That's the same way when you break into a safe. You know there's money in there. And you go, you open it up, and there's fucking loose coins in there. You want to shoot somebody, Doug.

It turns out... You know why they were $27 in quarters, right? He knew it. He knew why. He knew we were going to hit him. He had a feeling. Yet, he was also a bigger thief than we were. Do you know the reason that place closed down is because he was taken, he basically opened it,

promising everybody money, right? He opened it with the whole staff saying, look, we don't have any money right now. This place is you have tons of people down here, it's baseball season, you know, people come and watch the game, so there's going to be tons of people in the bar. And he was basically taking half of the money cash that the bar was bringing in and pocketing it, just waiting for it to close down.

He would never intended it to stay open. So he would take the other half and, you know, buy new product and get new beer and keep the lights on. And then just pay people a little bit in cash, tell them we're not making enough money to pay you yet. Right? So everybody had an IOU. The bartenders and the waitresses who don't make money by the hour anyways, they didn't really care because we were making money from himself. So that weekend was a huge baseball weekend.

The Yankees were in town. Playing the marinas. He ended up taking all that money. He got and sold. So much blow. That's what his money was. And then he would buy it and resell. Crazy.

You got thief to us. That was the problem. We didn't get to them. We went to rob somebody who robbed himself before we even fucking got that. Yeah, he robbed himself before we could rob him. And the lip never, he never bounced back from that. Never bounced back. It's funny because I remember the guy that we tried to rob,

kept telling me for weeks after, I know it's you. I'm just trying to figure out a way how to prove it. Oh, yeah, yeah. And I was laughing right in his face. That fucking safe is at the bottom of the fucking ocean, cock sucker. He was positive. Oh, it was positive. It was us.

He was like, I know it's got something to do with you guys. You know it was funny because I was really trying to turn my life around in Seattle. like my criminal life was still part-time, but not to the point why I was robbing saves. And I get up there next to you know, I'm going to jail for assaults and I'm doing this. So I said, fuck it. I just threw myself in it.

When I think of Seattle, I think of the guy I met at your bar one night. And he gave me the keys to the kingdom. He's like, dog, if you want to start a bookmaking thing, I work for this phone service, I hook you up. He gave me a 1-800 number. He gave me a free phone, all these lines. And then he's like, I like to put some bets in.

And this guy, you know, this is just approved to you, that were all fucking losers. I mean, I had no money. That was sitting on his bets and making money. Because I knew he was... Tell them where you were living when you were doing. I was living on top of your bar,

a lobo, local, whatever the fuck, it was, in an office building that had a pisser at the end. So I would just piss in there. But if I needed this shit, I have to stick my ass out of the shower and shit four floors down and then go wipe my ass over at the gym. I had to join that fucking gym.

Yeah, now because it was an office. that you lived in. It was a fucking office. It was a tiny little office. And I remember the guy I would ask you every day. You're not living in there, right? And you're like, no, no.

I just go up there and take bets. That's it. I don't bother nobody. You don't, you don't living in there, right? No. But was that also the time, you know, at my bar, we had a fetish night.

And remember I hired you to work the door. Oh, my God. That was disgusting. And that dude dressed like a woman started hitting you with his umbrella. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The fucking that was, I never. You know, when I moved to Seattle,

I had never known about dirty women like Carol. I had never met a woman like that at all that did all that shit. That was so worldly when it came to cock. And I had never seen the fetish thing where these ugly people would come in and put fucking jumper cables on their tits and pierced their cock. I'd never seen that world. Those ugly fucking people. I mean, they were all crazy.

I was like, this is fucking amazing. Where are these people coming from? These filthy people walking around barefoot, blowing each other and sticking needles and each other's eyeballs and shit. Do you remember that one night these people called, and we had a little VIP room downstairs that from the bar you could see

through the glass, right? And so these one people said, we want to rent the VIP room one night. It's pretty secret stuff, but nobody else in terms of here from the bar because in the VIP room that needed to be a window, so just in case they needed something,

I could see. They were scatting in there. You know what that is? What's that? We had a glass table And guys would lie underneath the table And look up at girls Shitting onto the table

That was how they got off They jerked off to girls Watching shit come out of girls' assholes Oh God See that's a complete different I don't mind licking an asshole Or sticking a finger in it But you see soft serve come out of your ass

As they sit there with my mouth open Waiting for fucking the world to end Right And it would look like And they were under a glass table table. So the shit it would look like was falling on their face, but obviously it just landed right on the grass to grass table

and they just watched it, they would jerk off to it. That's when you know, you're fucking crazy. They paid us $5,000. To let people shit on them. But that wasn't the night that that dude hit you. With the umbrella. That was a different Wednesday night. Wasn't it too old?

Queens beat me up with a fucking umbrella. I couldn't believe it for $25, $50. They were arguing with each other, and you went down there, and I go to go to Joey, they're arguing. You got to come and asked him to leave. And you were, like, excuse me, but you guys got to leave. And they were so arguing, you were like, excuse me, but you guys had to leave.

They were so arguing. So you just very nicely started to escort him out, each escort him out, and then one of them turned with his little camisole or umbrella or whatever and just started hitting you on your arm with it. And you started. And I would have beat him up,

but I was on probation the whole fucking time. I couldn't even do nothing. Can you imagine? I got to a fight with Cal and I going there with a fag, beat up, running from his face. That's all I needed. You know, man, we had some fucking good

times up there, and we had great comedy times. I mean, that was the blueprint for our career, Josh Wolf, for comedy. I remember very clearly one night, we were at the Kingdom watching baseball, and we were talking about comedy. And in between

comedy, you were cracking me up. See, I'm like, Jerry, why are you so much funnier here offstage and you are on stage? And you're like, I don't know, I try to write down to write these jokes and just go on stage and be Joey Diaz. Me and Joey Diaz is funny enough. And you've always been quick enough on your feet to go up and talk about whatever.

But you started writing on stage. Like you would do a joke and then come off and write it down. But you weren't because when you write like set up punchline jokes, it just wasn't natural. I mean, that joke you used to close on about, you know, how do you drive a woman crazy? It is not you. But when you started just doing what you're doing now, start taking off, I think, when you stop putting down just, you know, the set up punchline and I have to start taking off for you, you know what I mean?

Josh Wolfe kills me because it's like everything else in my life. When I came from Cuba, I wanted to be white. White people don't like me. So I got to be a fucking Puerto Rican. Now all my life, I just wanted to be a stand-up comic that knew how to write. And two weeks ago, I take Tony Hincliffe off to lunch. I go, Tony, I just want to be a stand-up comic. Can you help me?

He goes, why? He goes, why? He goes, you have the most unorthodox style. He goes, most people have punchlines. You just have setups. He goes, people pray for that shit. He goes, you have no punchline because your setups are so fucking funny.

He goes, I was watching. And he tells me all this shit like he had been studying it. And I go, how do you know this? He goes, because I watch you. He goes, you have zero punchlines, but you have the funniest fucking setups. He goes, you're the only comic

that does not need to do a punchline. Just setups. I'm like, that's a great fucking way of looking at it. He's like, Jeff Ross wants to do it. You're fucking doing it. And here you are. You want to be Jeff Ross. And I'm like, all I wanted to ever be was a monologist, Josh Wolfe.

Just to write a fucking joke, you know. That's not your style. That's not my style. I can't do it. I cannot fucking do it. And when I try to do it, people like, nah, it was a good written joke. But we want you to do what the fuck you do. And I'm like, fuck, I can't win.

But sometimes here's the best thing about you. And look, as a comic, I would be lying to you if it didn't make me a little jealous. Sometimes you get big laughs, and I think to myself, you always get big laughs, but I'll hear a joke, and I'll think to myself, all right, if I wrote that down on a piece of paper, there's not one punchline in there. But because it's just the way you tell the story. It's who you are that brings the funny. But if you wrote it down, I'd be like, I don't know where the punchline is in that story.

But when you tell it on stage, it crushes. It's, this is an education for people, man. And this is an education that goes to route, whatever the fuck you're doing, whether you're a plumber or a singer, you know. We learn every day. I mean, I've known you since 95. And whenever we talk, we still talk about dumb shit, nuts and bolts. Yeah.

That we're learning along the way. I mean, it's like, and I'm proud of you. I watch you on Chelsea. You're laughing. You're having a good time. You know, you've been kicking ass the last six or seven years. You know, you got your stuff going on. You sold the movie.

You know? So it's unbelievable that we, you know, I talked to Brody yesterday. Oh, you did? He's moving to the Valley. He sounds great, you know. And we all fucking came up together, Josh Wolfe. This is something that, you know what the thing is, Joe? When it comes to that, like, and I'm sure you, I think recently,

just until recently, like this podcast especially, basically the rule is, the lesson is, you get trust yourself. I know a long time. kind of thought, tell them the kind of stories you tell now, because you're like, because of what you thought people would think, right? Yeah, I don't want people knowing this shit. Yeah, but the truth is, people like honesty, people like real, especially, and so whatever your truth is, and whatever your business is, you just got to trust yourself.

You got to trust that, you know, that whole thing, if you build it, they will come. Yeah. But not everybody's, it's not for everybody, but the people that, you know, you know, you're just got to trust yourself. do like what you say and they'll come loyally you know sam kentathan told me you know you know you know that story yeah yeah yeah ralphi may all of you guys got to open for that motherfucker well his you know of carlobo's on the way to san antonio carlo's father passed of age i think and um they needed an opener and i had just won a comedy competition the second time i'd ever been on stage like bring that guy out he was supposed to be so over but he was fine i can't do his voice

but he said love you than 90% of the people. It didn't make sense then, but it makes sense now. Because the 90%, if you'd like something, you might watch it, you might go see it, you might buy something, you might not. Not a big deal, because a lot of things you'd like. But if you love something, like it, the people you told me there,

you've seen familiar faces of your shows hundreds of miles away, right? Yeah, yeah. This last week in Chicago, there were people there from Columbus. There were people that a kid came down from Rochester, who gave me one of those things that you smoke out of them. The thing in your room, you ever have one of those? It looks like a grenade.

Yeah, no, no, they have these new things now. I forget what they call them, and you're in a hotel room, and what you do is you take both sides out, and you take a hit off the one hitter, and you blow in that, and people don't smell the smoke. He gave me that a year ago in Rochester. And here he was, in Chicago, Illinois,

he's with his fucking wife, and I'm embarrassed because I think I'm doing the same material twice. So I pull him aside, and I go, listen, I'm really sorry. I didn't know you were here. I would have changed it up. And he goes, no, you changed it up enough. And it fucking embarrasses me, you know. The Grateful Dead.

And then I banned a while ago or fish. Enough people love them where they're packed all the time. It may be the same people. But that's what I mean. Like, the people that love what you do are loyal. And they'll only love what you do if you're honest about it. And that's what I mean. Like, you just got to trust yourself.

Unfortunately, for most of us, It doesn't happen until we get old enough to make enough mistakes. It's the only way to do it, you know? You know, it's amazing because I always tell everybody that in this society, there's always iPhones and iPads, and we go to I for the last, you know what I'm saying? We call everybody else for advice. We go to a psychiatrist, but nobody depends on I. You follow what I'm trying to say to you?

Like, are the answers that for our life, we have the answers because we know us. We just hate committing to the fucking answers. And I think my life changed one. I started committing to the answers. And you're right. Whatever reason, we think, we go to other people like we think they know better than we do what the best for us.

It's ridiculous because obviously nobody knows what's better for you than you. You just have to be honest enough with yourself to trust it, that's all. And listen, we all know it to lose weight. I've got to push myself from the fucking table. That's it. That's it.

Instead of having two eggs with a pound of bacon, you have one egg with a piece of bread and you move on two eggs. apples. We all know this. How many people do it? When you left King County Jail, you were pretty fan. Oh, fuck you. They count their points for you, but it's so weird, man, how you, we all know the answers. You know, when I met you, you went through one of the hardest things I've seen a man go through.

You went through a separation that was very hard. And you know what? You bounced back stronger than I ever seen people bounce because you sat down, you had a long talk with yourself, and you knew what you had to do. Yeah That's why you're at where you're at today You know like I said I have the utmost respect for you Because you did something

I could never do I failed at fatherhood I'm getting a second chance now You picked up fatherhood and fucking Tackled it You were like Lawrence Taylor You took that fucking crack Coat down with the pipe and the crack And then you said what the fuck

Are you talking about motherfucker I got set up like a motherfucker Remember when they found the crack I always got an utmost risk respect for you because of what you did. Raising kids, especially in your situation, you broke up with the ex, and she went to Seattle, now you had her kids. Let me tell you something, man.

That's an amazing thing that you did. You committed to children. And you were talking about before how I feel about kids. What you did, you know, if you fucking ended up killing somebody, if you became that guy in the movie theater in Colorado, I'd probably come busy in jail every day because I wouldn't think of you like that. I think of you as the guy who I'd go in the morning and you'd have a kid in your fucking backpack

while you were doing dishes, cooking turkey burgers, clean the house. You know, people don't see that from me. A lot of people don't know when they watch you on Chelsea, and, you know, a lot of people see you, and they think you're just a happy-go-lucky guy. They don't see our struggles in life, you know, and how we overcame them, their mental fucking struggles.

And comedy saved us, Josh Wolf. Yeah. The one-man show you wrote, saved you. It was your cleansing, you know, So the same thing I do with this podcast and tell these stories, it's cleaning me. Yeah, you know, people ask me, and that's why I would say also, like, it's almost like therapeutic. For a long time, I used my comedy, almost like therapy, where I would get on stage and just tell truth. And sometimes it was funny, sometimes it wasn't.

But it really was, you're right, it was cleansing. It was just something that I needed to say and do. But listen, Joe. I appreciate you saying that you respect what I did but for what you to be where you are now

man and after the shit you went through as a kid you know a lot of people feel sorry for themselves their whole lives who did not

you didn't you could have and you look obviously you made a couple choices that may not have been the best choice in the world

oh fuck yeah we all do but yeah yeah yeah but you came on the other side also and at the end of the day man look at the end of the day I used to tell people and you know every script I've ever written you into

your character is described always kind of how I saw you like I always felt like I would tell people that Jada has actually may take $20 off of my kitchen table but you know what he would do those $20? He would take me out to lunch he would take me out to lunch with my own money

you know what I mean like I would consider like a moral criminal That's what our wives do right? I always do right? our wives taking us out to lunch with our own money and shit. I bought your socks. Bidst it's my money. Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. Like, I always, like, people were like,

look, there was always the difference to me with you, with you especially, with you especially, there was always a difference me. Obviously, I knew that there was always, you had a past, and there was always a streak to you, but none of that shit ever worried me. Never did. Because at the end of the day,

if there were not too many people that I always thought would do the right thing, and I always thought you would do the right. thing. Always, always, always, always. When it came to little things, maybe not. But the little things aren't, at the end of the day, what matters. When it came to big things and somebody that you knew was going to be there, I always knew you would do the right thing. Hey, man, I know the same for you, cuck, sucker. You're going to call again in a couple weeks? Yeah, absolutely. I'm heading to the gym right now.

All right, what's the name of your podcast and when is it air and where is it air? Because I see you've been making some strides, and I haven't called yet. I want to call you the next week or next week. Why don't you come into the studio instead? Let me know. Tomorrow night, just let me know. I love to come in and sit with you guys for 15, 20 minutes. Do you know who's coming to the studio, this dude?

You heard about this dude named Kieran Lee? Do you know what that is? I heard the name. Okay. He's a porn star who insured his dick for a million dollars. And they insured it for him, a million dollars. He's coming in the studio to tell us, I'm like, I want to know how much I can insure my dig for.

He's going to tell me how we can go about that. If I can assure my dick right now, I might do it. You know what? I'm going to show him my little Cuban egg roll with the turtleneck on it and see how much I can get for that thing. I know there's a Jew out there that I'm sure it for me somewhere. How's the kid? Everything is good over there?

I'm dying to know how much you can get for it. For my ball sack, I got to get a million of nut. I should get a million of nut. My nuts have been their sag, their fucking after. They're on Twitter. They're on Facebook. My Nuts got more credits than most comedians, Doug. You know, Adam Sandler found love of my nuts.

He even put them in Nick Swanson's video, dog. That's how much people love my fucking nuts, except women. I can tell you, man. I don't love your nuts. I love you, Cox, that. What's the name of the show? You can find me on Twitter if they need to. Okay.

You're Josh Wolf Comedy on Twitter, correct? Yeah. And then what's the name of the podcast? Josh and Ross. Josh and Ross. And what night are you on Chelsea this week? We'll be watching. Thank you for all you do, man.

I love you at all my heart. Give the kids a kiss. You got it, Joe Dea. Stay black, have a good day. Great call. Hey, man, we try to do different fucking things here, Beauty and the Beast. I'm sorry we were running a little late.

I know you people are starting to get your Monday started. Sometimes somebody calls. They're a special call, and we want to keep them on. Why fucking throw them on? You know, if I got a good conversation going, that's it, man. It's fucking Monday, Lee.

What do you got for me? What do you got? We got any more music. What are you doing? We got to do the movie. Oh. We have a great movie. I thought you were going to shut it down.

I was like, no, we got to do the movie. No, no, I'm not shutting nothing down, cocksucker. Before anything, let me give a shout out to a special people out there. My man, Jordan T. Mark Hernandez, Lou Mercado, Daniel Brito, Leroy Neckbone. I love you, black motherfucker. Angel Lopez. I really do.

I love fucking Leroyneckbone. He's like, you got a motherfuckerucking. sent in this motherfucker last night it's a whole new week people i love you guys really go out there and tear them up we gave you a great album yesterday we gave you fucking santana yesterday okay now i made a mistake it was not their first album santana i forget the name of the first album but i found another album that got released in 97 it's called santana 68 holy shit if you get a join on that fucking get it it's on i it's on youtube so listen to it first on youtube you're gonna love it i'm sorry Joey, you respect.

Stop pushing this meter-me-me-to-me-a-bullshit. No, I push everything on you. Today I'm going to give you a fucking great movie. It's funny, because I was lost for a long time when I was a kid. And I remember seeing a commercial one night, Lee, when I was watching Monday Night Football for a movie with James Kahn called The Thief. And I had seen James Kahn and fucking Godfather,

and I figured he shot his load. This is it. You know, and I never thought about it again. And then I seen another commercial that had won something at the Con. film festival, some film festival. This is when there was one film festival in 1980. There wasn't like the

Kentucky Film Festival or the Valley Film Festival. And I don't believe in film festivals. I was always a film buff, but at this time my mother had just died. And in the winter of 81, we had HBO, me and Mike Runny, the guy who called and said he pushed a the hooker from the moving car. We lived

together in a basement. And And we watched HBO that month showed The Raging Bull. Great movie. The thief. And the Hollywood Nights. You motherfuckers have never seen Hollywood Nights.

It's like the first Porkies. Hollywood Nights is with Arliss, the Jew chick, you know, Fran Dreschler, Mike, the guy from the HBO show, and it's a movie that was a couple comics in the comedy store

are in this movie. Michelle Pfeiffer, Tony Dan. fucking hilarious. They're pissing a punch at a party, and I was watching Porky's Dye, I could stop laughing when they stick their dick in the hole and they're going to class, and they have to get a sketchwriter to describe the dick.

I was fucking out, because you know me, guys, I'm still 13, and I laugh at Fart Jones. But one of the movies I watched that changed my life because at the time I didn't know what I was going to do. And I was a street piece of shit, so basically I was a thief. and I watched this movie. It came out in 1981 on whatever.

In this movie, it's James Conner's The Thief. His assistant is Jimmy Belushi. Now, we've all seen that TV show Jim Belushi's on, and we've all asked ourselves. Why is this fucking show on TV? This guy is horrible. What the fuck is this show about? Let me tell you something.

I give Jim Belushi respect because of this movie The Thief. You got Tuesday Weld, and you got fucking Willie Nelson. about a guy who owns a car lot who did a long time and he does a couple monologues in there that it just really hit home about not giving a fuck the first one i'm going to air for you the first piece is uh he gets his a jewel guy gets drawn off a cliff with 300,000 dollars that belongs to him and uh he's waiting for the guy to call him and jim belushi picks him up and takes him to this steel plating company and this is dennis farina's first film appearance ever he plays one of the fucking bodyguards

But James Kahn goes over to talk to the guy about his money. Hit it Lee. Mr. Taggart, you didn't get a delivery or something? Sit on. Zink, what? My name is Frank, and that was bullshit. What is it? This is Joe Gags.

$185,000 of my money. We have this problem. What problem? What are you talking about? He was moving my merchandise. So the money in his pocket when he went out of the win. window is my money. This is a plating company. What are you telling me this shit?

Shit? I want my money. Hey, I don't know what you're talking about. Mr. Frank, uh, Lala, whatever. Some guy died? Yes. Your state goes to probate. Take it the probate court. What do you bug me with this? I come here to discuss a piece of business with you.

And what are you gonna do? You gonna tell me fairy tales? Hey, who the fuck are you, Slick? Somebody knows you? What are you crazy or what? I don't know you. I don't know some class. Name gags go go see what you gotta do get out of here call all right get the fuck out of here Oh all right he puts a huge gun in this motherfucker's face listen to the tangerine dream coming up on you on the music Listen to his words do what he says play down go ahead put your hands on your head spread your legs now Hey you you goof look at the wall I am the last guy in the world

that you want to fuck with damn You found my money on gigs. Let us pretend that you don't know whose money it is. That's right, for Christ's sakes. I don't know who you are. He's walking fast and you got a gun to your head. Three hours. I will call the set of meat.

You will pay me my money $185,000. Killed out. That's a great scene. But... I just wanted to say, just coming from a guy who does TV and stuff, and I went... I don't think people notice, like, the planes and the cars in the background.

It's just all building tension. And I haven't even seen the movie. This is a director. Guys, this is Michael Mann's second or third or fourth movie, way before heat and all the other shit. This is what I talk about directors. He throws everything in, everything natural, and it builds tension in the scene.

And you were thinking a movie today, he probably would have got shot, he would have killed everybody. He didn't shoot anybody in this. This is a classic movie. Now, the word on the street and how I talk to you guys is very honest. because at the end of the day

honesty is all we have. Your word is all you fucking have. You know, when I go on stage, I don't lie. I don't not lie. Most comics go up there, me and my girlfriend broke up. Why are you saying that? You're fucking lying. You're fucking lying.

So you have to be honest. You have to be honest to people around. Hey, listen, man, I told some fucking lies growing up. But, you know, some movies are supposed to be entertainment. The movies I'm going to show you guys are going to fucking change you. You're going to look at these movies and go, What the fuck is this guy talking about?

And one of the best things about this movie that I learned was that he goes, now he dumps his wife, and he starts dating Tuesday well. And the master thief in this movie is a guy by the name of Willie Nelson, that guy that taught him everything inside prison. And he goes to see Willie Nelson to console with him, to counsel with him about his life. This is guys like me, dog. You think I'm going to listen to Anthony fucking Robbins? You're walking on cold?

I'm gonna listen to a motherfucker who's lived that goddamn life and lived it the way he wanted to. This is the people you learned from. Hit this clip. He goes into see Willie Nelson. Thank you, Lee. You're a fucking. Lee's even watching this shit going, Joey.

Where the fuck are you getting these movies from? Because I ain't gonna play your shit. You know, every movie I go to sea, I leave there and I never even think of the movie ever again. These movies, you think about. When people come over, you go, look at this scene. Hit this motherfucker, Lee, you bad flying, Jewel. Thanks for coming on down so soon.

I was coming anyway. How's it going? Me. I am doing terrific. Every day is a surprise. It is real fucking weird out there. There's nothing like we figured out. So what's to it, my man?

Same old shit. Morris finally busted Reds Pruno operation. A lot of knife that's going on. Willie Nelson sitting opposite from James Con. What are you going to get? We're going to get to get that combo, you fucking momos. rapist, child molester. They put that shit right in here with the mainstream population.

Used to be somebody like that. They lasted five days. It'd be a world record. Preverse. How's the wife? The wife. There's nothing with the wife. I pulled the plug.

What happened? I, uh, she doesn't know I'm putting down scores. And the rocket scientist that she is, and she is out that I am having affairs with fancy ladies. Anyway, we get so screw in. List and what are you gonna do? Well, I'm gonna put it back together. Look, I met this new chick, this Jesse.

You're gonna marry her and have some kids. Yes. But, uh, she does not know what I do. So what? I mean, do I bullshit ever long or what? Lye to no one. If there's somebody close to you, you're gonna run it with a lie. If they're a stranger, who the fuck are there?

You gotta lie to. Fuck them. There you go, people. That's what you start your Monday off with. You lie to no one. You look them in the fucking face. You tell them what's on your mind. And if they're on board, they stick around.

If not, fuck them. You still got a mission to do. And that's our fucking podcast for a Monday. I hope you guys go out there and have a smoking day. I'm sorry, I kept you here half hour, but Josh Wolf and me, we go back, so we had to talk some shit. Leah, you know, I love you.

Who's playing tonight, Lee? I have no idea. You have no fucking idea. Oh, I do. Kansas City and Pittsburgh. Oh, Jesus Christ. Pittsburgh's going to get the story. Pittsburgh's not.

You talked to Dickie Syatt yesterday, send them my love to your dad. Listen, guys, thank you. I'm sorry I kept you guys from watching your pussy. It's Monday. If you fucking stayed along, you learned a lot of shit today about me robbing safes and caring about kids and how I got my honesty was from a fucking movie. You know, just lie to no one. Go out there, fucking tell them what's on your mind.

They're on board. They're on board. They could suck your dick. It's your fucking playing field. Hit me, Lee. What do you got for Uncle Joey? I opened up the album, Santana 68. I'm going to play the first one.

All right, do it. It's fucking amazing, dog. This is just crazy. Thank you very much for listening. I'll be at the Arizona Club, The Comedy Spot, in Scottsdale, Thursday, Friday and Saturday, four shows. Friday, two shows, Saturday.

It's 100 to sit down. It's 100 people. So get your tickets quick. This will sell out. It's 400 fucking seats. I love you guys. Have a great fucking day. Have a great week.

But today's your day, man. Stick with whatever you're, fucking doing. Look at me and Lee. Lee's a fucking savage. I love this motherfucker. Lee, the countdown for your fart in the face has begun. Hit this with some Santana. Have a great day, people. Vote for Beauty and the Beast podcast with podcast

awards. Give it some love. We're not doing it. What else we got, Lee? That you have to push. I don't even know. Testicle Testaments are still on board. Get all three of them. The CD is still on board. The documentaries, for some reason, people have been ordering and asking about the documentary like, hell, where I got my balls from is on payloads and where I got my balls from is on Amazon. I love you guys. Have a great week,

but it all starts with today. Stay black. Hit me Lee, you bad motherfucker, you. Oh shit. Look at Lee. Shake it. Lee shaking. Shake it. You bad motherfucker. Oh, I'm putting these on YouTube now on the Mad Flavors World channel. So they'll be up there within a day or two of an airing. Thank you very much for listening, man. Have a great day. Here you go. What? Do it, Lee. Shake that ass. Oh, shit.