The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 11/14/2012 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #29

Episode Date: November 15, 2012

Joey and Lee talk about the upcoming anniversary of Joey kidnapping the guy with a machine gun. They also talk about dating, thank you notes, and the reason why Joey picks some movies over others. The Machine, Bert Kreischer joins us on the podcast today. Dont miss it. Streamed live on 11/15/2012 

Oh shit. It's Wednesday. Kick that motherfucker lead. Kick it. Here you go. That's how we're starting this motherfucker today. A whole lot of love and welcome to the job. Hit it Lee!

Oh shit. Oh shit. It's Wednesday motherfuckers. November what, Lee, the 14th. The church of what's happening now, Joey Cocoa, Dias with my little brother, Lee Syatt, aka the flying motherfucking Jew and Heat. He's like four weeks away from Hamika. He's having a good time.

Look, and he's smiling. He knows he's getting an envelope. How you doing, Lee? I'm doing great. How are you? Everything is beautiful. Sorry about this morning. Something was up with the computers, you know, with the satellites and the fucking

Puerto Ricans flying around. Fucked up. We have a great show for you. We're going to cover GSP. We're going to cover a great album. We got my man calling up in a couple minutes On top of that's a beautiful fucking day to be alive Go out there tackle somebody

Bight her right in the fucking tit And let her know Sun's Anarchy last night Lee you watch I know I don't want to know you fucking working cuckie over there I know I know Lee works at nights So you don't see this shit Sun's Anarchy Very different last night

No Jimmy Smiths No Amelia Rivera We're going to call up fucking FEMA Whatever company here Put some spicks back on the show there Fucking Kurt Loew Nah It was a great episode last night.

Jack shot some black dude that killed fucking Opie. People are mad at them. You know, when you're on top, you've got to shoot motherfuckers once in a while. People ain't going to be happy with your decisions, but what are you going to do, man? You got to do what's best for the club. You know what I'm talking about for the family, for the Borgata, for whatever the fuck you're fighting for every day, whatever you're sticking up for. And that's the way it is.

We got GSP conduit on fucking Saturday. Everybody's waiting for this. We can't do a gambling show because I'll be flying back from Arizona. Get it together, man. I'm trying, coxswept every day. But we're going to give you a special Thanksgiving Day morning show. So, fuck it. So we got Monday next week, Wednesday, and then right before you eat,

we're all going to get fucking stoned to the gills together. I'm going to have this place covered with fucking bongs and joints. We're going to stab cheech. The whole fucking thing here, you know what I'm saying? Stabchich. I still got it. Sorry about that. The fucking vapor.

Where's the vapor? Eureka vapor with the... I don't even know what I got in here. I got a couple different tubes in here today. I got the fucking billy goat blood. I got the... I didn't even turn it down. What the fuck is wrong?

This is what happened? And you turn on five minutes late? You forget to turn on the vapor. I stoned already, though. I'm all vapor up. If I get one more vapor to me, I'm gonna be fucking... I got a new idea. Before you go to bed at night, people,

this is what I've been doing. For years, I always eat an apple or two before I go to bed. So everything just comes out natural in the morning. Fuck that. I took it to the next level. You eat two apples, and you get a little half cup of rice checks.

Oh, forget about it. I put a candle this morning and fucking melted it. Everything comes out from the gunk, the oil, the grease, the potato chips, everything. Rice checks. Rice checks. Oh, my God. Dry, like a soldier. Oh.

No fucking milk or sugar, nothing. Just dry checks in a little cup with two or three apples. You sit on the toilet, three, four minutes, you're done. Two or three apples. When do you have time to eat two or three apples? Oh, right before I go to bed. I love red apples and green apples. I fucking love them.

An apple away keeps a doctor, right? Yeah. That's what they say? What the fuck? But you just sit there and eat like two or three in like a few bites? I get, I work until I get hungry. Listen, Lee, you know, I came from an old school society where we used to the cheeseburger motherfucker and deluxe.

You know what the cheeseburger deluxe is? Is it like a tomato? Tomato with lettuce, cheese, the onion, the pickle. But the side of fries has mozzarella and gravy on time. No, it doesn't. Oh, fuck, yeah. The Berkshire diner on Wednesdays when I was a kid with Veneery after we fucking smoke dope and drink and torture people,

every Wednesday I went through the Berkshire dinah. I always found the hair in your food. Always a finger in there. There was no A ratings. There was no way. You just ate your food and shut your fucking mouth those days. I went to my first B rating a couple months ago. It freaked me out.

It was a Chinese place over in West L.A. It was delicious. But it like it had it on the window. And it like, people were like doing silverware stuff on tables next to you. Like all like the Chinese people. The food was good. But seeing a B. Like I had never seen a B before.

The food's always good when it's a B or C rating. Because they got elbow grease in there, little armpid hair. They got some fucking flavor in the food. Remember, what kills me about those things? I heard that the inspection company calls you and tells you what date they're coming in. Oh, yeah. So if you don't get your shit together after they tell you deserve to die, but there's some places that have a B rating because maybe the temperature in the window wasn't right.

I mean, it's real strenuous. I don't know. I'm no fucking food inspector. But I know that I've had some seas, and it's not bad. Maybe that day they left a little fucking piece of rice on the fork or whatever. So what? You click the fucking rice off and you go eat. What would you do if you were under the fucking bridge?

You know what I'm saying? I mean, people always complain about fucking this and this. What would you do if you're under the fucking bridge? You mean homeless? Yeah, what would you do if you're under the fucking bridge? Who fed you when you're under the fucking bridge? Yesterday I got off on the thing there on Lancashire Avenue and I'm making the right, and there's that light there.

And I was looking at these two fucking homeless people, you know? And they had a cart next to them. And they had the tubes, you know, the fucking water bottles. The tubes? Yeah, they had a bunch of shit there. But I was looking at them. they were smiling. They were happy. They were cracking up or something. You know,

and they didn't give a fuck. They smelled like shit. They lay in their fucking drinking energy drinks. Whatever the fuck they were drinking? I was looking at that going, you know, I know a lot of people who have tons of fucking money and bullshit coming out of their ears and they're not happy. And they assume, you know, you may believe,

these motherfuckers, at least they know where they stand. You know, they were just laying there fucking giggling. I was looking at it. What the fuck they got to giggle about? They're under the bridge. You know that Viaduck, right? There's a McDonald's on the corner right there. Right there. They're eating, drinking, fucking whatever. And I'm like, look at those people.

You know, that's life right there. They chose whatever to be homeless, but they accepted it, and they're laughing and giggling. It's the motherfuckers that walk around with the fake front. You know, fuck those motherfuckers, Lee. That's why we got the church of what's happening now in the flying fucking Jew. You follow me? What's going on?

What's going on? You get a girl. It's the one's birthday. You got like 19 girls now. Don't you cut a second. Look at you. You're in love with the little girl. I'm in love with a...

What's that song? I'm in love with a... stripper or whatever the fuck yeah she's not a stripper though I know Lee's look I actually the question about that what happened brother do you ever get I mean I don't seem like a jealous person but when you were talking in the last one about dating a stripper I don't think I could do that like like did that freak you out a real fucking jealous person you are yeah you know I mean you like your girl and stuff like that and all of a sudden you go to pick her up and there's some guy getting a fucking lap dance from a touch and so when I dated that

girl I wouldn't even go down there I've never been a strip club guy it's yeah I'm not a strip club guy and this time's I got money in my I'm going to go tonight. I'm going to go and just sit like a regular guy. I can't do it. Those things are fucking filthy. But you have some fun sometimes. You know, you do have some fun. No, I'm sure they're fun, but just thinking, like,

like you said she has fucking arthritis and her wrist from giving too many hand jobs. And she's coming home and, like, waking up in the morning with that hand. Like, oh. Don't even fucking remind me. She rubs your kids back with that hand. When I was dating, I didn't even, I was so numb at that time. That happened between 95 and 90s. I was so numb from the divorce, the fucking daughter.

I was so numb from the comedy just standing, you know, doing stand-up. That, you know, like we were talking to Josh the other day, you accept some things just to, and it's, it's fucking crazy. It's crazy, man. It was a crazy lifestyle. I did a tape. Remember we talked about on the Joe Rogan podcast with Tebow? We did a tape where people were fucking around this and said it's fucking tape up.

I never forget that. The guy brought his wife. And they're giggling. Like, you know, he's giggling. And fucking three Puerto Ricans are fucking your wife, you know, jizzing on it. And this guy's laughing, having a great time. Like, this is what he does every day. And I know inside you've got to be fucking breaking.

You know, you've got to be fucking breaking. I know people inside of open relationships. No, no, we have an open relationship. Inside, you got to be breaking. Oh, I couldn't do it. You know, it sounds good for the guy, but just to start of... Yeah, it sounds good for a while. And then she shows up with fucking Abuadulac.

He's six foot nine with a big Arab fucking cock filled with fucking al-Qaeda juice. You know what I'm saying? What are you going to do? How are you going to compete with that? They always sleep with somebody. You know, you're like, what the fuck? You know, you always think about this chick. Like that girl that slept with Kennedy and Sam G. and Connor.

And she was fucking like eight guys that one. Don't you trip on that? Isn't there somewhere you go, where else have you been, bitch? Yeah, I couldn't do it. But there's some guys who don't ask questions. And you know what? People always say, oh, I'm an open relationship. We trust each other.

She could sleep with other people. That always ends bad. That always ends bad. I don't give a fuck with anybody. It's like people who say to you. bro, that's fuck in the afternoons. And you go over there for a few months and start fucking them in the afternoons

and eat ass. And finally one day she's like, what are you doing today? It always ends bad. Somebody always falls in love. It seems like in some people work. It works for it, but I don't know. I just know I couldn't do it.

No, some people just put in the back of their fucking mind. You know, some people just don't focus on it and focus on what's important because it's got to hurt. I mean, you know, I always see these guys cheating on wives and I always watch like the soprano when he would cheat on his wife. for something like that.

Like, that was the weirdest thing on TV. Yeah. Tony Suprano would cheat on his fucking wife and America still loved him. You know, there's a guy cheating his wife. I love my wife. You know what I'm saying? I'm not going to tell you I'm a fucking quiet boy.

We all like getting our dick sucked. I love my wife. But I know the feeling of getting cheated on. And if you've ever been cheated on, it's, you know, it's like these relationships that girls catch their boyfriends with a pager, with a number on it, or there's a number on the cell phone or a business card.

You know what, man? When you do that kind of shit, it just promotes other bad shit. If you've been cheated on, you know what you feel like. Why would you want to go cheat on somebody? I've been cheated on before. I don't know if it's all girls, but I don't know this particular girl. Like, it wasn't like it, like, it seems like when guys cheat, they're like, oh, I'm just going to go fuck this girl and doesn't really mean anything. This girl and I were in a fight and we hadn't talked for, like, a week or something.

And she was doing it to, like, get back at me. And she called me to, like, get back at me. And I was like, it's not like you just were out, like, out drunk and fuck this guy. It's like you were like mad at me and then go fuck it. You really don't want to talk to them after that. Oh no, I didn't. I haven't talked to sense. You're that fucking stupid if you want to do that, but it's weird.

Before you cheat on somebody, remember how it feels to be cheated on. You know, the pain in your fucking soul because you get this pain in your soul. Like, why is she fucking doing this to me? It's a horrible feeling. So it's just weird. I've never been a big advocate of cheat. And like I've said out on the podcast, when I have a friend that's a cheater like that, I have to judge him on a street value.

If the cops pulled him over, would he rat on me? If he cheats on his wife or his girlfriend, he'll definitely fucking rat on me. Oh, absolutely. He'll definitely fucking rat on me. That's just in this print and his character. So when I see that, I don't judge it

because some people like getting their dick sucked. You know what I'm saying? I like my wife. Even though my wife is pregnant, I could be out there getting my dick suck. What would it do for you? What is it do for you at the end of the week? You fucking cheated on somebody?

You put their trust in you? Yeah. It's just a matter of trust, bro. You're breaking. trust somewhere. And don't get me wrong. When I was younger, I cheated on people. You know, I thought it was cool and stuff like that. As you get older, you get cheated on you like, it don't fucking feel good.

So, you move on. I got nothing against people slinging dick or eating ass. You know what I made. More power for you. But why eat a piece of ass if it's in the back of your head? I smoke dope. And half the people watch this podcast like to get out. You ever do something bad and smoke a joint? That shit eats away at your fucking

head. You know what I'm saying? So I couldn't live like that. It's like I always said, how did Jeffrey Don, I'm a snort Coke and have a body under his bed. If I snort a Coke and I seen a cop car at two hours early, I'd be paranoid. If I saw a cop car at 10 and I did a line of Coke at midnight, that'd be fucking paranoid. How the fuck did you snort Coke and have a body under your bed? My head would explode. I'd do something bad now.

My head fucking explode. And I've always been like that. And listen, man, you know who beats me up? You know who checks me more than anybody? Me. You know, I run the tightest chip on me. You have to run a tight chip on you. if you want to try to get ahead.

You know, and I've always, those are little things that I look for, little fucking traps. Even when I fuck around, I shoplift the lighter from 7-Eleven, which seems like nothing. I'm still breaking something. I still got something coming back to me. So always remember that. If you do something bad, you've got something bad coming to you somewhere along the line.

That's why when you get up sometimes, you have a flat on your fucking car. You're like, what the fuck did I do, deserve this? And all of a sudden you think about, ah, it's that time I robbed that fucking chocolate ball from that Hindu over at 7-11. And I know this because, you know, it's like I'd say all the time. When I kidnapped Bella, it was $18,000. At the end of everything, my attorney bill was $18,000. What did I make?

That's unbelievable. I make $500 fucking. So for all my pain, and I remember I stuck that out, I said, for $500 balance, I fucking destroyed two years of my life. But not really, because it opened up my eyes and everything. So it depends on how you look at this. That's weird. Sunday is the 25th anniversary.

that I kidnapped that kid. Holy shit. And you know what, guys, listen, let me tell you something. I had some contact with him over the last couple months. And I would email him like on a Friday, and he emailed me eight days later. And he always wrote some derogatory stuff on there. He spoke to me, but he always called me a fat fuck.

Or he always tried to be cute like Mr. Schnuffeluffergis, like, you know, was snort. And I looked at this guy's messages on what he was sent to me, and he's not in good spirits. No. You know, I kidnapped this guy 25 years ago. A year later, he got kidnapped again. Two years later, he got beat up.

This guy was a glutton for punishment. And if he's still doing fucking powder, and he's still down in Tucson, wherever the fuck he is. Tucson is like when they invent cocaine. Oh, really? They just print it down in Tucson. That's the fucking opening to that one part of Mexico. So, Coach got to be $10 a gram down there.

He hit me up. He was supposed to come to the Arizona show. You invited him to the Arizona show? No, one of his buddies was bringing him. And he was going to, uh, he said he was sick. And then I hit him back and I asked him, what are we doing the podcast? We're coming up on the 20th anniversary.

Then he wrote me back like this note, blah, blah, blah. The spelling was fucked up and everything. And that's when I was going to ask you guys to hit him up. And I said, you know what? I meant, I'm going to get thrown. I just got to suspend it off fucking Facebook for having that stupid joke. It might have been him. Yeah.

They suspended me off Facebook. And I go, you know what? What is it going to do? The poor kids in hell still. I mean, we can. Then, you know, one time he wrote this shit to me, like, wrote a, you know, fuck you, fat man or whatever the fuck, like goofing around. But then at the bottom, he put that he got himself in his own trouble because he was trying

to rob his roommate. Yeah, I mean. And it was that's what he got for trying to rob his roommate that I robbed him. And it was such a circle of bullshit that we all ended up losing. But if he's fucked up and he's in a call and whatever, I'd rather him not call. You know, I rather, maybe it's not meant to be. So I don't want to force the guy, you know. Yeah, it's not like you kidnapped a guy at a bus station.

You kidnapped a guy you were trying to steal Coke from. So it's kind of like a, what is that? And I kidnapped the guy because it was a tangled web we weave, you know. And it's funny because I get all these people and I'm happy. I love the people on Twitter. I fucking love my friends on Twitter. I really do, man. I have so many fucking people that I connect with and talk about different stuff.

And my friend over here, Constantine, keeps torches. you're made with this King of New York movie. I love Constantine. Let me tell you something. When I give you guys a movie or something, I'm just not going to give you something that's good because it's fucking... People say it's fucking good.

I'm going to give you something that you take back with you. When you watch the Godfather, right? When you watch the Godfather, you cry. When he comes downstairs and he asks Robert Duval, you know, my wife is upstairs crying. All these cars are coming to the door. You know, tell you a Don,

what everybody else seems to know. And he takes the glass. from fucking Duval, which will cover the godfather and all these movies. You feel it. You fucking feel from Marlon Brando. You see the directing of it. I can't say enough good things about the godfather because it's an acting lesson. It's a directing lesson. It's a writing lesson. It's fucking solid all the way down, guys. I mean, the studios did not want Michael Corleone to these shots a lot. So there's so much fucking knowledge we're going to drop to that.

But I always try to give you movies that you get something from. The thief, you got the line. Lide of nobody, you know. What's the other one? Fucking Jimmy, whatever. You got something from it. When you watch Midnight Run, there's a partner where it's about his daughter. He goes to his daughter's house where he hasn't seen.

And it's just so much involved. You know, when you watch Rocky, Rocky's not about boxing, you dumb motherfuckers. Rocking is a fucking love story. Rocky's a love story. And when you see the beauty of that, you see what the director did and how they hit it, you didn't even fucking see it. When I watch Goodfellas, it's a great movie. to an extent, to an extent,

because I know the fucking guy Henry Hill was full of shit. So it's a good movie. It's like, yeah, whatever. Once you start thinking about this happened, it's cute. But I've always been a fan of the godfather. Constantine keeps telling me to talk about the King of New York. I love fucking whatever his name is. This is my man?

Is this my man? We're going to have to hold on for that. All right. What's happening, a little brother? Oh, good morning. How you doing it? Oh, shit, people. You're in fucking luck.

It's the amazing, the machine, Bert Kreisier. What's up, brother? I had the fucking craziest dream about you last night. What happened? Are you taking that alpha brain? You're snoring out of brain? I think it's based on our phone call. The phone call you gave me, when you called me yesterday and you go,

how about 10 o'clock? Me and you smoke a number, grab a beer, put your dog in the leash, just start saving motherfuckers. That's it. Just start chasing because that's what you do. A lot of people don't know listening. What are we going to do? We're at that age.

We're going to go to a bar and watch a game and talk shit. Fuck you. That wife, you got kids, but at about 9.30, you look at the wife, she's on the couch watching dancing with the stars. The kids are in bed. You put a fucking can of beer in your pocket. You roll a joint, you fucking put a muzzle on the leash, and you just walk, so you kill 19 birds of one.

You get your health going. You smoke some dope. You get some alcohol in your system, and you walk, and you breathe and you think, who's better than us? You go back home, you go to sleep, you bang one out, or you try to give mama stab, and it's over. is the fucking best part of being friends with you joey is i literally hung up with you and i called tom sigur and i told him what you said and sigura's on the on the fucking ground laughing hysterically

driving to a gig what do you want to do i mean everybody wants to go out and jumping up and down and go to vipe all we're doing is cutting through the fat let's go for a walk smoke a number drink of being you home by 1030 nobody gets their feelings hurt so last night again i had this dream that I was with my ex-girlfriend and her mom and they both, my ex-girlfriend wanted to be an actress, like, really bad. It must be killing her. She fucked my best friend.

After, like, I dated her five years, she fucked my best friend. It was a horrible experience. But she wanted to be an actress really bad, and then her mom, her mom did too. They both were in, like, small little theaters, and so I had a dream that I was in a room with them, and I was, like, having to, like, talk to them about the business, and it was really

awkward, and I was uncomfortable, and I swear I got in the dream, you bused through the door with a joint that you had dipped in toothpaste and you were like I call this a super joint and you lit it up and sort of pass with it around the room it was the best fucking way to fucking end an awkward dream you're like fucking Joey saved this and shit yeah and then and then we got so high we could we were it was it was all this you were like the thing about this joint is you're going to feel like you're underwater and I was like oh cool and then if felt like you could see bubbles coming up and I was like shit and you're like that's the

toothpaste talking to you I got fucked up last night by myself here at Burke Kreisher really on Sunday on Tuesday nights I get fucked up solo I eat a a lollipop that's like 120 milligrams and a bang bar that's like 180 and I just OD on T-8C as I watched the son's attic you should have seen me I ate there last night I looked in the mirror I was out of my fucking mind and then I had a lollipop left over I haven't gotten that fucked up in so long. Oh, I get so stoned some nights, but I don't even

smoke weed. I just hit the vapor pen and I hit the chocolate and I hit the lollipop, and then I had a lollipop left over and I banged that out about 8.30 as I was sitting here trying to write jokes. By 9.30, my head was fucking spinning last night. You understand me? I pay, I would pay, you need to

do that, you need to end up leaving joints on your balcony more often with tracking devices. So you can watch these kids steal them, and then drag them down and find them and talk them through it. Those little motherfuckers stole my wee. And I wasn't mad. I understand.

I wanted this to be 13 and rob somebody. I did it too. That's why I didn't get mad. Karma's a motherfucker. I just felt bad. I had a good joint there. That was a good fucking Halloween joint I put together. I had keef in there and heroin and mind explosives and alpha brain.

That's a joint from hell. I still have those friends. I still have those friends. I do a little party. Like a 40th birthday costume party. and there was at the party there were friends that were like coming off and they were like

do you know anyone that has any marijuana I was like oh god if I mix you guys I'm doing a birthday party and I was like well my friends meet you they're gonna fucking put you in the ground oh please oh please what's been going on Bert Christ should talk to me baby

where you been? Nothing man just got back from Australia fucking most beautiful place in the world have you ever been no no I got no passport they won't even let me to the fucking Australian store to get alligator. It's nothing. I get nothing.

It's fucking gorgeous, Joey. It's maybe my favorite country. The parks are pristine. They are like, you literally walk through the parks. There's no kids skateboarding. There's no drugs. There's just beautiful people running around,

exercising. I went to the beach. Best day I've ever spent my life. Not to mention, I lost weight. So I'm like, $203 in a speedo on Bondi Beach, surfing, running through the waves, like a healthy motherfucker, just like you dream of yourself to be.

I was so happy. The best day, maybe top five best days of my life. How many pounds have you dropped? I've dropped 30, 30 total, since I started that cleanse. And you're still sticking to the cleanse? Everything's working out. I'm staying off the cleanse. Right now I'm doing like a version of that paleo diet in the sense that I'm just eating lean

proteins, greens, everything healthy. I'm staying away from breads. I'm still drinking beer, but I'm staying away from breads. I'm staying away from like ricees and pastas. I'll cheat and I'll have them. And the weird thing is that when we shoot trip flip, I definitely have to

like have a gluttonous meal once a day because we film it. But I just try not to, I try not to overdo it and I don't like, you know, but you know me. I'm a man of my fucking gluttony. I'm defined by my gluttony. We all are, brother. You know, dieting is fucking hard, but I'm congratulate.

You look beautiful. Yeah, they're like a fucking model. Man, and at that, I'm on the DUI workout program where I just walk everywhere. I ride my bike, and I walk everywhere I go when I'm in L.A. And I stay on that Fitbit. That Fitbit fucking redefine my life, man. I'm going to tell you something. It's really amazing when you walk around.

Like, I have a problem with parking here sometimes. Like Tuesdays and Thursdays, it's. tough to find parking. And I just walk to the weed store. I walk to get a U-hoo. I walk to the fucking YMCA. And you know what, man, it's fucking amazing. I used to walk in the morning.

When me and Terry moved up, you have to walk into the train, and then get it to Mali and walk all the way to Lancash and you fucking switch. I love your first two examples the best. You got to say, if I walk to the weed store, I walked to get a y-hoo. And then you're like, and I walk to the YMCA. You know, when you're sitting here writing sometimes, After two hours, you catch yourself in a fucking room. And you're like, you know what?

I'm in California, and there's a thing called the fucking sun. I'm going to go for a walk and get some sun. And it really makes a big difference in your life. You know, I heard that if you walk 30 minutes a day, even in 10 minute intervals, your bones get stronger, your cardio, especially over 40 and shit like that. So I try to do it as much as I can. I mean, I ain't no fucking Smith and Parker. One of those guys that walked around the Pacific from fucking.

in Chicago, the St. Louis and Clark? Yeah, those cocksuckers. Lewis and Clark, whatever, fucking walking around making me look bad. No, I got to fucking walk everywhere. But are you still shooting trip-flip? Yeah, still doing trip-flip. We've got nine more episodes to shoot, and then I'm doing another show for travel.

I think we're trying to figure it out right now. But, yeah, Travel Channel is the best employee I've ever had. I fucking love that. I love that. The Scripts Network. The Travel Channel Network, like everything about it. They've been awesome, man. They're so cool.

They let you do whatever you want. I told you they called me like two days ago and asked about Ari. I was like, really? And they're like, do you know, there's a skinny Jewish comedian who's really funny. And I was like, Ari. And they're like, yes. I was like, whoa. And I told him, I was like, they should send him to fucking the Middle East back in his Orthodox Jewish outfit.

Have him do a show from there. Oh, forget him. I want to do a show for, like, for the travel network on the computer, something that a lot of people don't see, like looking for a $30 gram of Coke, and you just go to different cities at night and chase people down. I need a gram for $30, Cucksuck.

I don't care if it's 35. And you just show people the best parks where to get drugs, where not they get mugged. You know, you pull up to a park, and you make, like, a whistle, and three Puerto Ricans fall out of a tree. That's what you've got to take people. Show them the other side of the patois.

The dark side. The dark side, like getting fucked up. at a bar till 2 and then go around the town and see what the entertainment possibilities are like hookers or crack dealers or whatever. It's always fucked the fuck around with a crack dealer on camera. They'll do it. They don't give a fuck.

They got one foot in the gray, one of the banana peel. No one's making that show, Joe. You might have an idea. I'm telling you, that's the idea. So you drink, and then after two, you go looking for the real entertainment in the city. I mean, not some after hours with a bunch of skinny kids that go to college. Fuck them, bitches. You want to end up in a fucking

basement where the guy's got a chick tied up. and they don't know whether they should kill her or light or on fire. I couldn't at a table with a pistol. Oh, please. You have no fuck. When I lived in Seattle, right, with Josh Wolf and those guys in 95, I had the cook at the comedy club lived in a warehouse, right? Right two blocks, right downtown.

And this kid had the life of Riley. Like, if I couldn't catch the bus, I would sleep in his little corner. And at night, people would throw rocks at the window, and it was hookers and crack fucking hose. And I remember waking up one night, there's three little skinny black dudes and him smoking crack in the corner and the dead of the winter. The place had no heat.

But I realized that's a real nighttime fucking entertainment right there. That's what it's all about. Fuck, VIP and Denny's. So the hookers and crackheads would come Rapunzel-style to his window and wake him up to party? Because they knew that he would wake up. It was fucking crazy. One night he woke me up.

He took me into a different part of the warehouse. And there was a chick dancing in a cave. And they were doing coke in there and heroin and some guy kept saying with a suit on. I could do, I don't mess with heroin. That's small-time drugs. That's for punks and faggots and all this shit. We cut him a line of heroin that would have killed the mule.

This motherfucker did it and dropped. Dropped. We just left him there. We didn't give a fuck. He's probably still foaming at the mouth somewhere in Seattle. You got to write a book, Joe. I'm in the process right now, man. I'm in the process.

process right now. It's freaking my ass. I'm like, I was up last night writing, I'm trying to write stories about, like, I'm trying to, you know, keep everything fun, and I don't want to go, like, deep. I'm not going to write a book about being a fucking dad. I'm like, I'm writing books about having a good time, fucking wild stories, crazy parties. And so last night I was writing a story about meeting a tell and, like, the allure you have when you meet, like, someone like a tell where you know he parties and you want to go out and all you want to do is party and I'm writing a story and I'm writing it about the fucking Miami Improv and all of a sudden I'm writing about Ricky Cruz and I'm like fuck that guy part me and Ricky party has party the

bunch in Miami and then all of a sudden you get sit in your house at 11 o'clock you're like fuck I want to go party fuck right in a book like I want to go make stories that's uh you get someone to you get that dragon dictate thing I got I got it no no I write a chapter every week the guy I'm working with I have to give them a chapter every weekend what I'm trying to do like I gave them all these stories on testicle testaments. Now I'm trying to give them the nuts and bolts. Like, you know, a lot of people, what a lot of people don't know about me is I got left back in the seventh grade for eating pussy. Like, I found love with this girl. And I couldn't even concentrate on fucking bookwork or geography or whatever the fuck it was. I got left back.

You know how much that tormented me? I felt like a fucking mo-mo. Because, you know, when you get left back, they put you in the back of the class and you're back there like a fucking idiot. Like, you know, everybody knows you got left back. That's a dumb fuck in the back of the class. I got left back, not because I was a dumb fuck, I didn't go to summer school, but I never told my mother birth cry shit. That is one of my favorite things you've ever said. We were having a coffee one day, and I said, we were talking, I said, what did you think when you, what was the first thought you saw that your mom had passed?

And what did you say? Fuck it. I don't have to tell about getting left back no more. Fuck it. She took it with her to the grave. Here's my mother lying on the floor with a green arm, and I remember, going, woof, I don't have to tell this bitch I got left back. I knew it. I knew the day when I went outside and cried and waited for the cops. But my first thought

and that's a thought you can never tell people because they think you're crazy. When I picked her arm up, I'm like, wow, she's dead. Holy fuck. I got away with getting left back. Woof. You know? I was so expecting because you're such a person who

like your insights are so different than everyone else's insights. Like whenever we talk about anything, the way you see it is so opposite than the way the stream is moving. And when we were talking about that, and I was like, God, like, because my, I'm a loss either of my parents. And I was like, I wonder what you think when you're a kid and you lose your mom. And you were like, oh, thank God I didn't have to tell her I got left back. Oh, my God.

I'm fucking could not. Thank gosh. You didn't find out about that broken window in the bathroom because we always have a secret from our parents. We don't want to fucking tell them. But that's what, you know, I'm writing about. I'm writing about what kept me in the fucking game. You know, I had a lot of situations where I could have just pulled a gun on myself and said,

fuck it, or, you know, the other day when Josh Wolfe called, he said that. And it was true. Whenever I was a kid and I'd do a crime with, let's say you, Burke, Christ, if you came to me and said, I know where there's a safe. I go, Bert, we're going to rob the safe. But if anything happens, run. I'll take the pinch. You got a family.

Just take care of me when I'm in there. And I won't rat you out. I got no reason to rat you out. I'll sit in there. I deserve this shit. You know, I always looked out for you crazy motherfucker. I had a weird twist on life, you know? You have to be honest with yourself.

Yeah. That's the most important thing, man. It's the one thing I go, like, Leanne and I were talking yesterday, because, you know, well, I mean, you know this, but when I said we were going to try to do a podcast for me yesterday, and then my schedule got fucked up, and I told Leanne, and she goes,

oh, you've got to ask Joey, like, if he believes that he has that Oprah gene. I was like, what? He's like, he's got like an Oprah gene. Like the people who you can do, the world can do everything they can to try to hold them down, but they're going to succeed regardless. I was like, I was like, I will ask him that. I was like, but you do have that oprah gene, that like everything bad that could happen to a person.

When they say God gives you more than you can handle, you've had that tested in spades. And then all of a sudden still, you're fucking on the road selling out, fucking. Traveling the world. Fucking kid on the way. You're a testament to you can't hold someone down. Yeah, but I'm scared shit. And that's what people don't see. That the reason why I'm fucking, you know,

the reason why I go for it is because I'm scared. Listen, Byr, when I came here in 98, I was like Richard Geier and officer gentleman. I had nowhere else to go. You know what I'm saying? You know, when he beats him and he's like, get the fuck out. And Richard Geer breaks down.

He goes, I got nowhere else to go. I got nowhere else to go. You know, if something happens, you'd go back to Tampa and sell hot dogs and jump up and down, whatever the fuck it is that you're doing Florida. You're the king of Florida. I really had nowhere else to go in my life. I knew that the farther I got away from Jersey

if I went back there, I would die there on the streets. So I really had nowhere else to go. So if I'm here, this is all you got. You have to attack it with fucking nine hands. When this is all you got, I mean, you know, yesterday I went today. I called you. we were going to meet and my problem was I mean this is the truth

Bert I went in for an audition Monday at 4 and they booked me on a different show and I walk into the show yesterday I see the Scalar brothers I see Michael Uri who I worked with before and I see this other guy who I did a TV show before

and before I even sat at the table read we all shook hands and I'm sitting at the table read going to myself am I fucking crazy I'm in SAG I'm in fucking SAG yeah like I'm in SAG

like I've been doing with movies now and all. 30 years ago, if you came to me 20 and said, Joey, in fact, this Sunday is 25-year anniversary that kidnapped that kid. If you would have asked me that morning when I was putting them in the trunk,

in 25 years, Joey, you're going to be working on a TV show. I would have fucking put you in the trunk, too. You follow me? I mean, this is, I'm in fucking SAG, and I've been in SAG since 98. I got 14 years in SAG. In six more years, I've been in a union for 20. Are you fucking kidding me?

Do you know what that's like to me? What that? My mind was going to blow up. But you know what? Bert, what these people don't understand is we're not better than none of these people. We just stuck with something. If people only knew, I'm not better than you. I put my pants on one leg at a time like all these fucking people.

I just stuck with something because I believed. I had that little fucking like you. Why do we do this? I mean, I go to your house. You have a nice home. You have a nice car. You always dress well. Your teeth are white.

You got nice. You know, you wash your pussy. You're not a fucking filthy savage. You know, you have a very nice life also. Can you believe this is all from comedy? I can't. I said we were sitting a drop off like two to probably, well, I guess it must have been two months ago now. But like recently, and I'm sitting there with the girls, and I see these two people walk in with their kid.

And I said to Leanne, I go, what did they, who are they? She's like, oh, they're, what's her name's parents? they're both actors and I went, what? She was like, yeah, they're both actors. And I, Joey, I caught myself. I didn't even catch myself. I just said it.

I was like, how freaking irresponsible? Literally both be actors. And she was like, what the fuck you talking about? I was like, I don't know, man. Like, that's crazy. How do they know that their money's coming? And she's like, you're a fucking working comedian. All your friends are working comedians and they have kids.

Like, what are you? And I was like, oh, holy shit. I'm in that group too Like I'm in that group of people that That fucking are making a living By doing their What they want to do But I didn't even realize that I feel so safe where I am

Like I feel like we've got You know, you got the road You got the podcast You got the book You got the TV shit Like everything fucking It's like all the sudden you're like Holy shit like I can't believe I'm working

Like how the fuck did that happen? It really is amazing that you sit there And go I'm in a fucking union I got a union card I'm paid up I mean when I was in the warehouse fucking union I was never paid up on my dues

every time I seen the shop steward I had to run the other way and now I'm fucking paid up it really is something to realize to let people know that you know on the first of the month we all start at zero

yeah me you I'm Z Joe Rogan even the open mic are down the block we all start at zero and you put faith in yourself and something happens How many times when I was an open mic I didn't have the rent on the first

But I picked up a gig on the 29th You know And you sit there and go How the fuck did this happen? You know why it happened? Because you believed You kept putting effort into your craft You know

Whether you're a plumber A dick sucker Whatever the fuck you do, you know Do you remember I remember getting in to open mics Thinking I remember sitting next to David Teller At a

At a catarizing star when it was closing And he was talking about He was like just quit comedy it sucks it just gets harder there's no way out i remember thinking man if i could just get to i could work so i could be so great and then all of a sudden i'm like i remember like going if i could just get on the road like being on the road would be amazing to be able to go into a city and and sell some do radio and now i'm like shit man how do i get into theaters you know it's it's i remember listen to this and i remember the paper that they used to they used to be a newspaper that

came out of San Francisco. When I first got into comedy, it was done by John Fox. He had a bunch of comedians. And it was a great paper. It was at every comedy club across the country. And it came out once a month, comedy something, and it was free. It was a free publication, guys.

And the best thing about it was at night, the last four pages were all the comedy club listings in the country. You know, and I remember going to clubs in Denver, dropping off my daughter, you know, wanting to kill myself when I dropped her but I forced myself to go do comedy because I was so angry, I would figure I'd turn it around.

But at the end of the night, after I bombed or whatever, and I went down there to pick, in those days, they give you like two drinks or a soda or gas money. I remember coming home at night, and I would take that newspaper. And in yellow highliner, I would always write, I would mark the clubs where I wanted to write, and I would write them down on a piece of paper as goals, and someday I'm going to work these clubs. and then I would look at the paper and start crying because deep down inside I knew I would never be good enough to work these fucking clubs

like I remember I remember I remember one to you and your managers would try to like derail you with like you're like well do tell me you do your favor get a piece of paper and write down all the clothes you want to work and send it in and then you'd sit there and you'd be like ooh I wouldn't mind work in Acme like Acme would be a fun club to work like how about Austin like yeah yeah and you'd write down all these clubs and you just look yourself like, that's not going to fucking happen.

Like, I'm going to send him a list, and he's going to fucking run through it. I know exactly what you're talking about, man. It's perspective, but I think it's like, you know, I think, I don't, I think one of the good, the really refreshing things about us and all our friends is that it's like no one was ever like just got on SNL and then became really famous. Like, there's a disconnect. I mean, I'm not shitting all people that were on. an hour, like, people that got a hit show and then decided to do comedy, you know?

But, like, we're all comics. That's how we started. And when you start as a comic, when you start at Ground Zero, as a comic in the trenches, looking at those papers, writing down those clubs, like, hoping just to get more spots or get, like, a feature, go from feature to headliner, you always have that perspective, and you can always connect with those people so easy. And I talk to fucking, I talked to RES. I left a message for him.

But his phone call back isn't like this disconnected celebrity phone call. It's him going, you like seafood? If you do call me. I'm going to get seafood tonight. And then he hung up. But it's just because we're all at the same fucking, we all started at the exact same place. We all went to Vietnam together. So no matter what happens in our lives, we can always come back and reconnect with that

moment of what it's like to be an unpaid open micer. You know what I mean? I love it. I try to go out during the week. for free and do spots like I go to the ha ha I'll go to flappers just to get that essence back to you where you just got

you just got joyful from having a good set yeah you know not because I worked or I got paid some nights I just like to go out and do a good set and come home by myself and Lee wake up cock sucker Lee's over here falling asleep of flying Jew you know

I love all that shit Lee I mean Ari's you know I got to read you know when I first was when I first got to the store I was the host you know she made me the host she liked me and one of the guys that came into that store into that club were Ari

Ari worked the phones and and I watched this fucking little sprout of a Jew because that's what he was he was just a skinny Jew with a fucking half a Jew fro when he got there and he would come up every Sunday and talk to me and you know and I would talk to him and I got to show you I got to read you something

hold up bird all right get it Amber? Yeah, I'm right here. And I get a card about a year later. I got a call from the store, and they're like, we need your address to send you tax information or something like that.

And I gave my address, and they wrote down, Dear Joe, this is just a note to thank you for helping me get passed at the comedy store. You always stuck up for me, and it meant a lot. Plus, you're the most natural comic I've ever seen on stage. It's always something I've strived. Thank you, love Ari. Ari sent me this card. Nine years ago, and I still have it on my wall.

And I showed it to him when he booked the Jim Norton show on HBO. Because this meant the world to me. This means more to me this card than a check for half a million dollars. I did my job, bro. I did my job as a comic. Until this day, me and Ari are dear friends because of this fucking card. Because this is more success to me than any money or going on a plane or on states. We did our job when we helped them.

You know, when I see you, Bert, I can't tell you how much you help me when I see you and your brightness and your happiness. I get excited to see you. When I look at you, I go, what the fuck do I hang out with this fucking guy for? Look at him. He's a nice-looking guy. He's never stabbed nobody. What the fuck am I hanging out with this guy? You are like, when you're in town, you don't know how happy I am.

Because you add a different perspective to my life, brother. You, you, I love when you're around. You make me giggle. all of you motherfuckers, but you, particularly, when you're around, I'm happy. I'm good for the fucking week. Even if we have coffee at that dumpy place for 10 minutes and we drink green tea and I'm there high talking, you make my fucking week, cuck sucker. I tell you, man, I stopped going to therapy because I was hanging out with you.

Fuck, pain. Dog, what the fuck? The answers are right in our heart. You know exactly what you got to do? I'm a fucking street therapist. You know what I'm saying? I don't have no paperwork. I got a scar on my face and on my fucking soul.

That's my fucking diploma That's why And I got a scar on my Dads from my school And he keeps saying to me He goes It's the best advice I forgot

Take her out Tug her hair And stab her a couple That's it What are you gonna do I got fucking scar on my Uncumcumcised cock From putting the zipper up

It Like way before something About Mary What are you gonna tell me About fucking life cock suckers I'm a psychiatrist What are you got going on today? Nothing man

I'm gonna I'm getting, I'm nothing, man, I'm home. I'm fucking, I was on the road for two months. I'm just like, I'm so, it's so glad to be home. I was in my backyard walking around with my shoes off yesterday, just being like, fuck, like, so nice to be here. I'm doing nothing. I'm going to write.

My fucking publisher is calling me every day, and I'm trying to keep them a day, so I've got to write all day. You know what? My guy tells me one sentence a day. Yep. Because if you can just put down one sentence, a paragraph. He goes, I'm happy with that. I try to send my guy a chapter

a week. And sometimes I'll send him to... If you can do a chapter a week, that's fucking boring. I can do a chapter a week because once I'll do a couple sentences I'll break it down in my head, then I'll fucking bang it out. I got the dragon thing you recommended, but for some reason I thought I'd do better with it.

I didn't do that good at first. So I haven't really worked it in, but I'll get this motherfucker going. I'll get this motherfucker going. You got to do it sober too. That was my problem is I was doing a drunk in hotel rooms and not even looking just talking into it and fucking

and then I'd read it back and I'm like do I have fucking half a tongue? I couldn't read any of it. Now you want to start a podcast? Tell these motherfuckers what you're thinking of doing here. Because I like to be the first guest down there. That's what I was like I talked to Rogan about it yesterday too.

I was like I was like I want to do a podcast but I don't want, like I'm never going to be able to compete with like, you know, the type of guests that everyone gets. So I was like, when I'm home, I'll have my friends on, and when I'm on the road, I'll find fucking try to find people, absolutely. Interesting people to talk to it, just do it by myself and fucking rant for an hour, like Bill Burr-style.

Yeah, people want to hear from you. You know, you have to have your perspective out there at least once a week. People watch you on the show. You know, people go to your stand-up shows. So you're doing a podcast would just be the cherry on the fucking Sunday. brother. Yeah, and you're going to be my first guest. That's right. I need my introduction that I use every time. The first, the first, the first podcast is going to be, it's going to start with you going, introducing me.

Fuck you, coming to the state. Grab those fucking earphones, cock suck, and take you porn off the computer. It's Bert Kreishe, you dirty fucks. Yeah, we'll start that. Like, when you get back from Arizona, we'll try to do one, and then Seguera and Duncan and Ari, and we'll bang on a few back to back to back and then what would do is this when do you leave again? When do you leave again? And Vegas and L.A., and I'll do them from the road. When do you leave again? Like a fucking maid. Who knows?

Fuck you. When do you leave again? I don't leave until after Thanksgiving. Perfect. I'll go to Vegas. Why don't we do a little turkey with fucking Burt? Me, you and Duncan next week. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's get together.

I'll call Duncan. Yeah, I'm called Duncan because we got to see him anyway. I haven't watched him. I haven't seen Duncan. He went to Houston and New Orleans, and he went to his father. and now he's back today, I think. Awesome, man. I'll give him a call today.

All right. I love you, man. Thank you for calling. What's the name of your podcast going to be, brother? What's the name of the podcast going to be? I haven't named you yet, Joey. Well, maybe we'll take some... Everyone wants me to call it the machine in the man cave.

There you go. There you go, man. Everybody knows the fucking machine. I told you, I seen that guy that's got your tattoo. Fucking beautiful. Monkey Todd. Monkey Todd's got a great fucking tattoo with you, man. Let's send Monkey Todd some love.

He's a good man. Man, he's a soldier, that little motherfucker. I heard my daughter the other day go, she goes, he's a savage, daddy. I went to wear my best. Dad's been saying that too much. I love you, Bert. I'll give you a call after I get out of shoot.

I'll talk to you later, brother. I have a great day. See you, you too. That's a bad motherfucker there, ladies and gentlemen. I'm happy that he called today. Let me give out some shout-outs. I had always my man, Dave Wilder. Always J.R. Gomez, Monty Hawk.

Magnus, Calabron, fucking Zaro Negro, Alejandro, Joey does, Dominic, fucking I love you, Scott Day, and Frank Hudson, good luck with the fucking car today.

You know, I love you, Coxuckers with all my heart. We were talking before Bert called about Constantine, talking about movies, and I was, when I wanted to stress

was that I liked the movies King of New York that he told me to talk about. I liked that guy in it. What's his name? The old guy that we were, who was in seven seven psychopaths.

What's the old guys? I haven't seen him. What's the guy in seven psychopaths? What's his name? I'll have to look it up. I don't know. Yeah, whatever. The old fucking guy.

And it's got a lot of great. But the guy that sticks out, it's about a guy who gets out of prison that takes over fucking New York and starts shooting people. He steals heroin from the channel. Christopher Walker. Anyway, he steals the fucking,

and again, another fucking, my top lieutenant here, fucking the flying Jew. doesn't know who's in fucking King of New York. He hasn't seen it. This is a problem. Working seven days a week. There's a problem. What were you for the last dirty fucking years? Cocksucker.

So, you know, I love you, Dave Wilde, always. So I watched this movie, and I've seen it 80 fucking times, Dave, Constitino. I've seen it. But it's a good movie. Like, it was on the online. I was killing the half hours. I was reading my book, and I was going through the channels, and it was on.

I watched it, and that's it. And so it's a movie that I don't like what the whole thing is about. For me, I didn't take nothing from it. But I will tell you what I did take from it, Lawrence Fishburn. We're going to start not doing movies, because I know a lot about individual actors and stuff like that. We're going to start doing sometimes instead of a movie.

I'm just going to give you an actor and give you three movies to watch his. So you could watch the different spectrums of his acting. Take, for example, what's the chicken boogie nights with the red hair who played Hannibal Lecter? You don't fucking know either. Who played Game Change? What's her name? Look up Game Change. Who's the star? Whatever. She's a red-headed chick.

She took over for Jody Foster and Hannibal. Anybody know? Jesus fucking Christ. This is what I got to deal with every day. It's bad enough. I'm smoking dope with three fucking hands like I own this shit. But then I asked Lee about these movies. Julianne Moore? Julianne Moore, for example.

Take something like Julianne Moore. You look at her in Boogie Nights. You look at her in Hannibal. You look at her at Game. change. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, she's great. Are you fucking kidding me? It doesn't get more brilliant than that. You could take your

assumptions and shove them up your mother's fucking ass. Doesn't get no better than that. There's three different levels. One, she's impersonating somebody. One, she's playing a porno fucking whore. And the other one, she's playing a fucking cop. That's as far away as... I wish I had that, that range. I don't have that. She's got

that. Then you look at Lawrence Fishburn in Apocalypse now, where he's 16 when he shot that. Unbelievable to me. His parents had to go to the Philippines with him. You know what I'm saying? He was six fucking teen. And then you watch CSI, whatever, Las Vegas,

where he plays a very intellectual kind of swarmy man. And then you see this bad motherfucker in the King of New York, where he plays a jizz-down street fucking yam. Just a fucking badass nigger from Harlem. That's how the fucking works out. And then you watch him and what's love got to do with it. where he plays a fucking domestic he plays I-Turner.

He throws a beating on fucking Tina Turner and that. You have to change it. You have to turn it. Do you all night my wife was watching it? Remember I cracked the joke? I was domestic awareness month. I had I turn around there beating up, bitches,

and send the message out. I'm sitting here listening to the beating and I had to close the fucking door. So next time, you fucking Momo is going to talk about, oh my God, the guy from a hangover, listen. Listen to me. get Lawrence Fishburn King of New York

Apocalypse Now which Redux was on Monday for Veterans Day I watched it Apocalypse Now is a fucking savage First time I watched I went to see it with Louis Castellito And dig of the dog

And we both fucking No it was the same person And Kurt D Lorenzo And we took a double barrel Fucking Sunshine Ascent And in front of the movie theater There was an ice cream cone That somebody had turned over

With ants on it Okay My friend just picked it up And started eating the fucking thing Right in front of us and next day we're all tripping on ass and the ants

were on the ice cream and he was eating the ants and everything Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha Jesus Science bitches So what I'm trying to say to you Look at the three different levels

Of his acting Lawrence Fishburn And get back to me Get back to me Tell me that this black Bad to the Bone Black motherfucker Doesn't deserve an Oscar Like my man

Leroy up there Leroy was Leeroy dug He said I couldn't believe This guy gave me a shout out on the park That's my favorite fucking black dude. Leroy, whatever his fucking name is. You bad black motherfucker. Let's throw something out for the black people

today. A little gin and juice, brother. Let's do something by Snoop Dog. I'm in the mood. Boobo bobo. Bum, bum, bump, bump. I got my glasses on looking like a half a momo. Hit it Lee. Oh shit. We know about this. Lee Wigglefunk with Joey Lee. It's Wednesday, motherfuckers. Get your shit together. So much drama in the LBC. being snoop D or double G.

Let's do it. Oh. Oh shit. Oh shit. Keep coming up a funky-ass shit like every single day. May I kick a little something for the G's and make a few wins as I breeze through. Two in the morning and the party still jumping because my mama ain't home. I got pictures in the living room getting it on and they ain't leaving until six in the morning.

What? Oh shit. bell, cocksucker, blow the whistle. So turn out the lights and close the door. We don't love the holes, yeah. So we don't smoke a house to this. Jeans up, hose down, like you motherfuckers bounce to this. Go, Lee, what?

Drop it, Lee. Oh shit. Oh, shit, Lee. Lay back. What? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. It's Wednesdays. The church always happening now.

Burke Prysha, dropping knowledge on you. motherfuckers. Of course I know that last line. Get my money and my money and my money. Get your shit together, cocksucker with your money and Jew cocksucker. That's why I love you. I love this guy Lee Syatt. I want to talk about music real quick before we lock it off. I know we're going over here. The time you guys got to get up, go to work and do your thing. One of the family members on Twitter told me about, because listen, I got a bunch of albums in my mind. And again, the same thing stands with music. I'll take an album for you and break it down the best of my fucking ability.

just because whatever. When I came from Cuba, listen to be fucking cool, yeah, listen to the Beatles. You know, I remember being in the first grade or whatever. The Beatles, the Beatles kindergarten. I remember my first beetle album was Help. You know, and I liked all that shit.

I really liked the first album. Meet the Beatles. It was great. One day, I don't know. What the fuck. I bought an A-track. I went to my mother's bar, and there was an A-track from Rubber Solin.

And I must have been 12, and I was just starting to get high. little by little right and i put rubber sole and i thought my fucking mind was going to explode and i and i didn't really i was always a closet beetle fan like i didn't i too many people like the beetles it wasn't like springsteen that too many people like springsteen but i didn't like them the beetles i kind of like the fucking people went crazy about them every there's a time in this country everybody you spoke about talked to you about the beetles getting back together it was fucking ridiculous the beetles getting back together the beetle you're too young you don't remember that

your parents This was amazing People couldn't wait for the Beatles To get back together You know But in that time I listened to Rubber's soul And I liked it

And then one day I listened to a fucking album That blew my mind All right And I was just double checking The time here And uh Fucking kill me

It's an album called Revolver It's the album right after Rubber Soul Lee this album is so badass But the thing I liked about the Beatles And that contrast was That again I listen to help, and I listen to all the early stuff, meet the Beatles, and I can't mind.

There's too many arms to remember, folks, and it's too early. And I've been hitting the vaping pen like, this is the last one in the world. So I'm stoned to the gills. So I'm sorry if I'm, whatever, but I, the way they had changed, Lee, the way the music had changed right in front of my eyes, like from help to fucking, you know, I mean, if you listen to, if you listen to Rubber's Revolver, let me tell you what's on fucking Revolver, all right?

You got the tax man. You got Eleanor Rigby. I'm only sleeping. Yellow submarine. Good Day Sunshine and got to get you into my life. Right there. One, two, three, four, five, six. Six fucking songs you hear on the radio.

All the fucking time, people. All right? So it's the top third album of the top 1,000 albums of all time. That shit doesn't mean nothing to me. When I looked at this album, I looked at it for what it was. And I was like, I got to turn motherfuckers on to this album. So today, I don't give a fuck what time you do it. today, tomorrow this weekend, whether you like the Beatles,

whether you like, whatever the fuck you like or you don't like, because everybody shows up with this fake. I'm still getting shit about Tom Waits, and I said it the right way. It was people listen to him because they think they're cool on the party. Like, you know, put the Beatles on. Yeah, put the Beatles, put the Beatles, put Springsteen. And there's always that one moment with a hat twisted over like Sinatra

that's confused whether he should suck a dick or sniff an asshole. And there's always, oh, but put on Tom Waits, and some girl will say, oh, my God, and he'll look, that's why I don't like fucking Tom Waits. Then I put the music on. And it was the fucking, it felt like fucking some Iranian puking in my fucking bathroom. That's why I don't like it. This is the fucking album you listen to, you dumb motherfuckers.

This is what started all. Without this, we wouldn't have had Soundgarden. When you listen to fucking blow up the outside world, if you don't hear it, then you should end it right fucking now. If you put out and blow up the outside world or like two or three of those Beatles, of those Sound Garden songs, and you don't hear the Beatles in there, you might as well shoot yourself in the fucking eyeball, all right? Listen to this fucking album.

Put on Tomorrow Never Ends, my friend, my little Jewish friend Lee, the bad motherfucker. This is what I'm talking about. So all these songs around this album, there's 14 total songs on the album. I'm giving you six. And to top it off, this one's on it. Hit it. Hit it. What?

What? Opening fucking line he's got for you. Opening line. This is not dying. Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? This is the last song of the second side. This guy opens up.

Play that line again, Lee. This guy opens up with fucking, you know, whatever the fuck he says. I'm too fucking riled up right now. You talk suckers got me riled up. I love it. Listen to fucking, are you, and all these, I think Harrison wrote two songs. Turn off your mind. Relax and float down fucking stream.

Are you kidding me? This does not die. You're just living, motherfucker. You're just living like, Jesus on a fucking fraud. You just float. Let life take you where you gotta go. It's Wednesday.

You filthy motherfuckers. Plays that shit leave. It was 1960 fucking something when the sound was released. 66. 60. Are you fucking kidding me, people? Half of you were an itching your daddy's nut sack. He was scratching you right now in the fucking nuts. I still got to leave it on Wednesday.

I love you, motherfuckers. If I get emotional, I get crazy, it's because I want you to take something from this. I don't listen to movies. or I don't watch movies or listen to music to impress you, motherfuckers. I'm giving you something. I'm giving you the inspiration they gave me.

This is the shit. When I hear this in the gym, because I have that on my iPod, whenever I hear tomorrow's, you get emotional. I want to cry because I was never that good. I wish I could write music like that. The taxman, Eleanor Rigby, got to get you into my life. I wish I could write that. I have a hard time writing a dirty joke.

And these motherfuckers are writing songs. I get a hard time writing a joke about eating ass, my favorite. That's the name of your next album Eating ass, my favorite That's what Lee Lee Lee were getting ready to eat that ass I've been seeing him flossing lately He's getting ready for that chick to fart in his face

We got the kind I got like six names We got donations some people want to fuck Oh forget about it What do you got playing the next two days Lee Just working but I want to say I wanted to say something before we finished What do you want to say? That thank you note really

It kind of validated things because my mom and my dad, mostly my mom especially and my dad, but both of them, I had to write thank you notes for everything. You have to. Like I remember once we went to buy suits and the guy at the suit store was like really nice,

and we got my brother and I, each like three suits and spent like the whole day with us, and we had to write thank you notes, and I was like, I don't want to write thank you notes. And we went back the next year, and like he stopped and it was like the biggest thing for him. And just the thing, I got a little bit jaded when I got out here

because I went on a bunch of interviews. I didn't get the jobs and I wrote thank you notes and I never heard back from anyone I was like fuck it isn't working so I stopped doing it but just the fact that you had that on your wall for over 10 years it's just even though the people might not have hired me I'm sure they have it somewhere

or it meant something to them I got a stack of fucking notes I got a stack of thank you notes every audition I go to every meeting I go to I send a thank you letter you know why because I assume that nobody else is doing And again, who does it? The fucking Jews!

That's who does it. Your mother taught you how to do it, and Ari knows how to do it. Because this means more to somebody or anything in the world. When I give shout-outs to people here, because it's just a little thank you. I don't have your address.

But just to acknowledge you, let you know I was thinking about you. This means more to check. This means more than fucking, you lying to me or getting my dick sucked. This I got to look at every day and think about you. I put that on my wall, bro.

What other people thank you or notes that have moved me. I put this on my fucking wall, guys. This is what makes me happy in the morning. This is it. And it took him probably five minutes to write. Five minutes of his time. I bumped into Maj Gibrani about six years ago at Target.

And we were shopping. He showed me his baby, and I've known his wife before they were married. And he goes, what are you doing here? I got to buy thank you notes. And he looked at me weird. He goes, I used to send thank you notes. I should get some. and he went over and got some because it takes you back to basics.

These are the things that you've got to assume in this career right now with acting. I don't act a lot. I like to, you know, I mean, I think my goose is cooked on a TV show or whatever, but if they put me on like this show here, I have a great time. Before I leave this week, I'll send the casting director a fruit basket, and I'll send an executive producer or one of the producers a thank you, though, even if they throw the fucking thing out. When I go to an audition before, I take the audition off my computer.

When I get home before, I don't do anything. I pee, when I hug the cats, and I come in here, and I write a thank-you-do. And I put it on the ledge, so the next day it's out of here. My wife takes it on the way out the fucking door, I take it on the way out the door. So if you're not getting success on what the fuck you're doing, send a thank-you-know. And that's a Jewish thing, because your parents did it, but he did it. You go to Target, you should always have thank-you cards. When I go to Target or Walmart, I always get a little thank-you cards for people.

Because what do you got to lose? You know what I'm saying? It's crazy, and it didn't... It reinstated, because I went on a bunch of interviews before I got the job I'm at now, and no one... I thought maybe it would get me the job, or someone would at least call and say that was nice,

and I got nothing, and it got me a little bit... Jaded? Yeah, jaded on it. This is what you do. You keep doing what you're doing, because you know what you're doing? You're putting energy out to the world. That's it.

This morning when I got up, I put the saying of the day was tell somebody you love him. And I went outside, and I was looking around. I'm like, wow, it's fucking still dark, and stuff like that. I'm already putting that energy out there. Yeah. So at least you're doing something.

And it always counts for something. And a year from now, somebody's going to contact you and say, hey, are you looking for a job? You interviewed for me about two years ago. I kept your record because you sent me that thank you card. They all come face, you know. And you can do that when you're broke. It costs 30 cents to send the stamps and stuff.

Somebody sucks your dick out of light. You can send them a thank you card. That's the Joey Diaz one. Sure, it's fucking Wednesday. I'm trying to keep it off here serious. I want to talk about one last thing. Really, because people are going to bust my balls. We don't have one of the most anticipated fights of the years this weekend.

It's Carlos Conduit against GSP. If you know anything about me, I'm a big GSP guy. But on the other hand, I respect something. I respect murder. I respect murder in my life. I've been a fan of Carlos Conduance since the WEC. something about that kid when he fought, I forget

who he fought, Roy McDonald, he was getting beat up and Greg Jackson said to him, get in there, cocksucker. And he went in there and he elbowed him and they disqualified the fight. That's what my assumption was right, that there was something about him that I really liked. And I started watching him, he beat Marvin Campman,

he beat all these guys, I think, I don't know what happened. And he'll come Kim and Hardy, and I followed him all the way and against Diaz. You know, Diaz's, we got the same name, sake and I love them. They're crazy. But as a better, as a fighter, I had the edge on them. I don't know why.

And I gave out Diaz as a joke, but I kept saying, this is a bad mistake here. And sure enough, he fought Diaz great and had a great fight and stayed away from him and people say he ran. It was a smart fight. Yeah, see, that's right. I'm a casual fan at best, and you've been

watching for a while. And people always say boring fights. Boring doesn't necessarily mean bad, but all I remember from that fight was him running around. Right. It was very technical, whatever. But I mean, I guess the bottom line is you're trying to win, so however you get to win. Whatever you're trying to win. You're trying to throw the guy out of his game.

So now he wins the interim thing, and here's the funny thing. Whenever I go to UFC and I see Greg Jackson, the first words out of my mouth, besides hello Greg, hello, Mr. Jackson is, how's Carlos doing? And I've always said this Chuck Liddell's a great fighter.

John Jones is a great fighter. But if it's me and him, and 20 Puerto Ricans around him. Well, Chuck Liddell take somebody's larynx out or with John Jones, take somebody's tongue on, piss on it. I don't know. They're good fighters. I have a funny feeling. Carlos Condu would light your body on fucking fire

after he stabbed you. I just have a feeling about Carlos Condo. He's a type of guy that after he stabbed you, look around there'd be six bodies on the floor. He'd say, go to the car and get the gas. We're going to light these motherfuckers on fire. I really think he's a killer. So I think that's why they call natural-born killer.

Now, the odds came out. He's 360 to whatever. you know listen the smart money you have to go with with GSP but in my heart I love to see Carlos Kahn do it come out there and confuse everybody

I'm not betting the fight I like them both too much the fight I'm fucking betting is the fight I really like on this card is Marvin Kampman against Johnny Hendrix Johnny Hendrix is a fucking bad motherfucker NCAA wrestler it's harder and fuck Martin Kampman is just an animal

who's been a tear lately. And he does good against these guys that come out. So I think he's lost twice by punches. But like against Diago Alba. These animals, he's contained them. I really like Martin Camden in this fight. I will bet Martin Camper. Nothing personal against Johnny Henders.

I love him both. This is a great fucking fight. But I like Martin Camden. That's it. That's all I got for you. I got no excitement. I got no big picks. There's a couple good fights on the card to bet.

I can't think of all of them right now. I didn't even write them down. Just remember it's, Wednesday motherfuckers. We were here. We had Burke Chrysha. We had a great fucking time today. You know, I love you, Lee, you dirty motherfucker. What do you got packed up for the weekend, Lee? What are you got cooking? You don't have to work this

weekend since your first weekend off. I'm going to watch the fights. My cheat days are on Saturday and Sunday, and my friend makes his own wings, so I'm fucking, you know me, chubby guy, I'm counting down the seconds. You like blue cheese or ranch? Of course I like blue. Even before, you said that I there's a bunch of stores

that will only have ranch and I won't I'm not like you I won't leave but I'll just get something else and I can't even imagine and I'm not even a big spicy guy I can't really handle it out for some reason but fucking blue cheese and oh but I don't like my wings really hot

I like a mild I like to taste the Franks and the butter I like that shit around it and I let the dip in the blue trees that's fresh blue cheese with the chunks of it yeah and that shit but that's like 10,000 fucking calories you get constipated for fucking a week.

You got wing bones coming out of your ass. It's a fucking nightmare. Anyway, dog, listen. We started late. I'm sorry, we started late. We got a lot of things going on just because myself and Felicia aren't doing Beauty and the Beast podcast anymore. We're still up for the award. It'd be great to end it this way

like a rest of development. You know what I'm saying? We quit on the way up. You know, that type of shit. So people keep saying bring it back. We don't know. We have to get Ron Howard to write it. No. Yeah, the fuck out of here. They still haven't brought back a rest of development 20 years fucking later. Oh, no, it's such an intellectual or intelligent show.

Get the fuck out of my face. Go take a dick up your ass and then get your show. Aisha, I love you too, you sexy motherfucker. Look at you. What was I saying? So please vote for the podcast awards. This weekend, there's only 100 seats per fucking show. Friday, it's $12.

Saturday. It's $15. Joey Diaz live. The comedy spot. Stop. Dotsdale, call up now the link. I'll be there Friday, Saturday, four shows, 100. The tickets are going to go. Don't come crying to me, Joey, I need this, I need that.

You got Dick! And then, what else? We got the documentary on fucking Amazon. We got the documentary on payloads. Testicle Testaments are still doing this thing, but the most important thing is do me a favor. Subscribe. Leave a comment for your uncle Joey. We're trying to get some action there.

I've been reading up on this Omit stuff, so hopefully next week I'll give you some links to the fucking... The chocolate shake is the best fucking shit. I've ever had my life. And I use it as a meal replacement. And I'm losing a little fucking weight, believe it. And it's high in protein because you get some lean protein. And the thing, the pills for the chlamasamine and the glucamine for your joints is a fat fuck.

You always need it. Especially if you want to walk around the park. Your feet hurt. Your knees hurt. It's a great combination. I'm putting it together with them. Get them sponsored up so we can sell you more stuff and tell you about what we got going on. Also, we got man great coming up.

The fucking steak thing to cut your steak for men. We got them coming up. But besides that, dog, I love you, motherfuckers. And I'm happy that you come every morning, and you get high with me, you listen to music with me and Lee, and we're here. We're a big fucking family, you know what I'm saying, on Stickham. And next Wednesday, we got next Monday, and we got Wednesday next week, which is the 21st.

There's on Wednesday, and the 19th. It's my friend's birthday on the 20th G. San Jose, I want to give him a shout out. Is it everyone saying, yeah, whatever. What the fuck are you laughing about Lee Cox? You've got about 18,000 puffs. Every time we have, the longer, the longer the phone call, the higher you get after, and that's just funny.

What am I going to do? I'm sitting here, I'm vaporizing, I'm talking to my man, breadcrath, what I'm going to sit here like a fucking pope and look at fucking Bible scriptures? I ain't got that type of time, God. I'm 50. I got one foot in the grave on a banana peel. Anyway, just top it all off.

Listen, it's Wednesday. Have a great week, all right? Subscribe, leave a nice note for your Uncle Joey. Have a great week. You got Thursday and Friday. I won't see you this Sunday, but I'll see you. you Monday morning, whether you rock, Wednesday, and me and Lee are going to get together how on Thanksgiving morning

and do a quick hour for you before you go off and see your family. We'll have some of my family call and tell some fucking stories. I love you guys with all my heart. Lee, what do you got for me? One of my favorite songs off of that album is Eleanor Rigby, so I got that game. Oh, shit. Really? You liked that album? Yeah. I didn't know the rest of the songs, but I like Eleanor Rigby. If it's a song, I think it is, then yeah, I like it.

Get it together, Lee. It's the fucking song you think. All right, Coxsuck. Go to Joey Cogodias. that if you want to send me an email. I love answering the emails. I email them on. Did you just fart cock suck? You just bent over and drop the rose?

People on the YouTube video saw you when Josh Moff called and he did this. Yeah, what they say? They just said he ripped a fart and he didn't even care. I don't get it. What am I going to do? I'm too old to care about a fart. You either sniff or you don't. That's it.

That's my fault. No movies today. But we'll see you next week, guys. Have a great fucking week. You know, I love you at all my heart. Thank you for all you do for me on Twitter and on Facebook. Send me some love. Stay black.

Lately The rape beat Oh shit Oh shit Where a wedding has been Lives in a dream Wights at the window wearing the face

That she keeps in a jar by the door Who is it for All the lonely people Where do they all come from All the lonely people Where do they all come from? all belong. Father McKenzie

writing the words of the sermon that no one will hear. No one comes near. Look at him working, darling his socks in the night when there's nobody there. What does he care? All the lonely people

would do...