The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 11/20/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #129

Episode Date: November 20, 2013

Steve Simeone and Agostino Zoida are live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Streamed live on 11/20/2013.

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or just go to joey ds.net and click on the dollar shave club band kick this motherfuckerly oh shit oh shit Wednesday afternoon lunchtime put the fucking tuna sandwich down cock sucker it's fucking gray and it's been swimming around in New Orleans oh shit Wednesday November 20th four people in the room I'm smoking this joint like a fucking black orphan with the hip they got me in the corner with fucking you know

oh shit Frank that shit, Lee. What do you got? There's a deaf school. Come on. Boom. When you shake your ass. Oh, stop.

Simone, get in there. Help me on. Here we go. That's what you get. That's what you get. That's what you get. That's what you get for fucking the doorman. That you get Clementia.

What? Wednesday, the church of what's fucking happening now? Usually we blast this motherfucker at 6 a.m. Today we took a little fucking siesta, because sometimes you got to take a siesta, and we want to do a 12 o'clock special audition because the last two ones were a little deep, so today we want to lighten up.

We got guest Steve Simone in House and the fucking CD man of the year, the writer of the year, Diagostino, aka Nuevo TV. You know what I'm saying? That's his fucking street-hander. He's going to own Nouveau TV pretty soon.

What's going on, you bad motherfuckers? I hope you're having a great day. Like I said, Sorry I didn't wake you up this morning, but Uncle Joey ain't going to be there to wake you up every fucking morning. Someone is you got to get up on your own, drink coffee, look out the window, have your doubts, and then go to yourself. You know what Uncle Joey ain't here today? I got to do what I got to do. I got to grab my fucking balls.

I got to shave. And somebody's got my fucking Getus in their pocket. I'm going out and I'm taking it from them. I'm hitting them with a stick. I'm doing fucking something. You understand? Because sometimes you got to do what the fuck you got to do. Cocksuck.

Just go. Clay Morrow is dead and I don't feel good myself. You understand? Fuck that cucksucker. He got what he got. Anyway, no, no. Spoiler, Larry. We didn't watch a Sons of Anakin.

Well, then go fuck yourself. It was on eight fucking times last night. You should have caught one of them, all right? I had to go to work. I had a mill, I don't give a fuck. What's going on, Lysayette? Nothing, dude, it's exciting. It's fucking very exciting.

I told you, we tapped into this shit. I was doing those live podcast, and I would go crazy. And then I would go home, and I'd go home. How come I don't go crazy on the ones at home? So I had to eliminate the audience and take the same. same energy. This is how you do. This is how you do a fucking podcast, though.

You gotta fucking be ready to kill. Like, right now it's like I've been on a cage for two days. Nice. Like, that's what I'm gonna do from now. I'm just gonna leave here on Mondays and put me in a cage. And just threw like salami in that motherfucking, like cheese and like pieces of bananas and shit and sent me back out with handcuffs on fucking Wednesday at five to six. That's my best ever.

What's going on with you, Cox, Sanger? I'm fucking enjoying not working. My third. I didn't do shit yesterday. I didn't leave the bed. Nothing. No, no. No.

You're a selfish shit. I worked for fucking three years. You're going to be like that fucking dude in seven. Remember that dude they went to see him? It was in the bed for fucking 10 years. You didn't see seven either. I did a while. I don't remember.

You don't remember. Keep stinging on that fucking bed. You're going to get bed sores and shit. Oh, no, I wouldn't do that. But fucking... You yelled to me for fucking ten minutes because I played video games from the first time in two months. 26 years old.

He's what I'm talking about. Yeah, everyone plays Grand Theft Auto. And they wonder why a black guy's trying to sell them insurance. You follow what I'm saying? Because they're fucking playing. video games all fucking day. You're 26. Go live it.

Did you give it away? No, I'm not giving me away. Go knock on that little Russian kid. Say Merry Christmas. Right there. There's got to be a little Russian kid. First, there was a Mexican kid now. It's a Russian kid.

Whatever. Whatever. It's all the same shit. What else? How are you feeling? Feeling perfect. That juicer hasn't moved. That thing will never see a vestible again. Your girlfriend told me every time you even get close to the vegetable department at Ralph, she starts sweating bullets. You'll never eat a carrot again.

I heard you threw the fucking. tomato off the cheeseburger last week fuck this motherfucker what's up baby everything good you feel everything is perfect it feels awesome the CD's almost ready by fucking mid-December we're gonna drop the second CD on you me and Lee it's gonna be a fucking bomb

and Augustino's fucking been the coordinator here putting things together what's going out with Steve Simone tell me something good dude I'm trying to put my CD together I heard that you fucking destroyed it down a Gabriel Glacius thing oh that was just yeah it was stand-up revolution I'm very proud of you I've been with you for 10 years right we've been

together at the store when we were soldiers. Nobody even talked to us. Nobody still talks to us. That's where we get our strength. Nobody talks to us. Some people come to this town, they go to a laugh action, they walk out of there with Brillstein Gray

and a fucking foot massage. We get nothing. We get nothing. Nothing. Nothing. There's some people who just have that type, and we have to work for everything we've gotten, and by now a lot of people would have quit.

Some people don't understand this side of business. There's always the side you people see how they get put on Comedy Central real quick, and then eight years from nine. you realize they fucking go away. It was an interesting point at lunch. We were talking about people who help you in this town. Yeah. The comics that help you and the comics that look at you and turn their back on you.

And they're the people that are so insecure about their comedy because they never put the work into it. The people who help other comics are comics that have put work into it because they're secure. No matter how funny you get, you're not going to take my job. We're sharing this. It's a certain part of karma. It's a certain part that a lot of comedians don't possess that. They're in it for themselves. Yeah.

Alex Dino, we're talking about it. He did a show with somebody who said, like, his comedy, that Alexino was opening for him, and he said his comedy was too similar to his comedy, so please don't do that joke. And I was like, what? I can't. Yeah, he has to stop doing certain bits,

and he's like, you're stealing my spotlight, you fit. Because they're bombing, and they can't accept it. If the feature act is eating your lunch, then you've got to adjust. If you're getting kicked into the fucking stomach over and over and over again, you got to lower that fucking hand, correct or no? Absolutely.

Am I fucking retarded? You got to lower your hand. You know, for years and we had this conversation when I was in the Laugh Factory podcast, I had to follow Don Herrera, which guys is a young comedian. It's fucking death. Yeah, he's a legend.

It's not that he's a legend. The audience falls on love with him. He's so slow and methodical, and he's such a monologist with his words. There's some comics that you really have to watch, and he sucks you in, and when he gets off, they wake up, and here I come up there,

obnoxious fat guy. I would just go up there to bomb. And I remember driving on sunset, going down there to fucking bomb, you know. And after a while, I would call, like, you know, they give you the sets for the week on Wednesday. Yeah. And they go Friday, 1045, yeah.

Saturday, main room, 1115, yeah. And then right before I hang up and go, who do I have to follow? Dom Herrera both nights. God damn it. God damn it. Or him or A.J. Jamal. And I've had this conversation with Joe Rogan on this podcast.

I think I had it with Dom. What do you do when someone? Somebody you have to follow is always murdering, and you have to follow this person. After a while, you have to figure out how to adjust your act, and that's what comedy really is. That's why I really like the Comedy Store, because they never had a host. Yep. And anybody knows that from Tuesday to Thursday at the Comedy Store, that's real comedy. Yep.

It's real comedy. Because I've always gone, a few times I've gone, it's been the weekend, and it's packed, and everyone's laughing. Like, what do you mean real comedy? It's 68 people scattered Okay They just came from work In a room for like 2,300

And a room for what? In a room for like 300 people So like No no no 170 Yeah The original room Okay

180, 180, 190 So you have 68 people scattered On a Thursday On a Wednesday night You have to go up at 1115 You've just followed 11 comics All of them have covered

Every topic And the topical shit So whatever happened On the news Argus covered Yeah, it's true. Yeah. If something else happens, somebody covered it.

Now, the real show starts at 9. So I'm lying to you. It starts at 9. So you have 9, 9, 9, 20, 940, 9,000, 10, 10, 20, 10, 40, 10, 14, 11, 11, 15. You followed eight comedians. That's eight different fucking point of views. Yep. Let's say the audience shifted 30%.

You know, 30 people left and 30 came in. They're still 30 in there. The 30 that came in are fresh. The people that are there is the one you got to get. this and I they've already heard everything they've heard Dom Herrera during the week they've heard Steve Byrne they've heard whatever now you gotta go up there now and now nobody pops into the store but when I was there since I was dirty Paul Mooney would pop in yep who popped into the ha ha last Wednesday I sent up

there oh Mark Curry back 10 years ago Mark Curry was monster he had his own show which he's probably still a living legend yeah he just nobody knows who the fuck Mark Curry is because he had a show in the 90s on TV I I had to follow Dice, you know, and let me tell you something, bro, when you sit all day and you write a joke, and you can't wait to try that motherfucker at 1115 and that 1114 and a half, Dice pulls up with his car. Yep. Your hope just breaks. Yeah. You just break in half.

Not to mention, I was an addict, so I had a half a gram of blow in my pockets. I couldn't wait to get offstage and do. Now that pushes back my cocaine, ETA. Excuse me. Sorry about that, people. I just had this sideburned fucking Diagestina. It's a salmon burp. I had some salmon for lunch.

Delicious with Gelsons with little garlic butter up on top. Gelsons has this thing for retards. If you're a retard, you go to the back, and the fish department, you look underneath, and they have all these little fish meals, and they're already marinated? Or what's the word? Yeah, marinated. Prepared. Prepared in a certain butter.

So all you have to do is take the wrapper off the lid, put the oven on to 3.50, throw it in. I drink a protein shake and I go in the shower I wash my pussy when I come out the fish is prepared the marinated fish you could see the marinade busted they time release it

so your fish is covered in that garlic butter I cool it I fucking eat it and that's it you don't have to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches you could eat fish

three nights a fucking week you could even retards and I hate to say that word I'm a fucking retardant I just burp that's as retarded as childish as can be I don't burp on the fucking show all the time, it just slipped.

I'm sorry. Well, getting back to the comedy store. Well, I actually wanted to ask, and both of you guys, I personally, as a fan, I'm not a huge fan of the showcase shows. I understand why they're there, but if I had a choice, I'd rather go see a headliner

in the future. Because I'm a big fan of somebody. What do you, because what you guys mostly do out here is showcase shows. Like, do you have a preference? Like, what do you think about it? It's another avenue to attack it from you know when you go to when you play baseball on the major leagues they have

their rules and when you go to Japan and play major leagues they have their rules yeah if you want to be good in both leagues you got to adjust to both fucking leagues so I like it I like it I like it I like going in there knocking out 20 minutes I thought because 20 minutes times three is a fucking special so if you're working on a special you could really tighten up your 20 minutes set the showcase rooms are also great too where you get to do 45 and you get to see more of the comedian yeah I understand your other point of view.

You pay 20 bucks. You want to see his point of view and da-da-da-da-da-da. And then it's kind of like buying a CD. Like when you actually had the actual buy physical CDs, there were two songs you liked, the other 10 you couldn't care less about, when I go to a, the best-based scenario for me when I go to a comedy room now,

and it's great because I can go onto their Twitter and see who's going to be there. But three I like, I find a new person I get interested in. And that's the best. That's why it's good. When I find somebody I didn't know about, but then when you have to sit through the same Facebook is making us lazy

and we don't have to look anything up on Google anymore that same joke 14 times you're like Jesus Christ why am I here but it's just I I wanted to get your point of view on it because it's obviously where you start you can't start out doing an hour so everyone has to do it

six fucking minutes three minutes three minutes in Denver at the open mic then when I moved back to Colorado in 94 I had some not bones but I had little time maybe 18 minutes. And on Friday nights, I would go to McElvey's on the, I forget what side

that Colorado was on. It was in this suburb of Denver, and they were very uppity, and I just bombed, dog. I still remember the jokes. I used to say that. I used to say this joke about the Hells Angels. Something happened with the Hells Angels. It's time to put the bowl speakers back

in the windows. I mean, these jokes are horrible. They were just God awful, but I would go down there on Fridays and Saturdays and bomb. But the club owner would let come back every Friday and Saturday and do six minutes. That's great. The guy died of a heart attack, but I still think of the guy all the time. His name is Tim.

Like, as bad as I was, he liked something about me, and I would hear him back there giggling at my stupid shit, you know, and go, what the fuck kind of club manager is this? But, you know what? I'm not going to question it. Well, at some point, you have to let the bad people... For a comedy club owner, you can't have only good people on because no one...

It's kind of... It's against my last... argument is because you can't only have the headliners on because then no one will move up. Right. So it's kind of like what you did with me. You could have had a, when we started three years ago, you could have had a person who was not just out of college and had more contacts out here. But luckily for me, you saw something in me and you didn't have to pay me.

You know what I saw you were a Jew? As soon as you showed up and you were a Jew, you were hired. You understand? That's all that. That was the prerequisite. And I can tell you weren't no okie-doke Jew. You didn't show up with slippers on. pictures of Israel that you went for summer vacation.

You know what I'm saying? Flashing your fucking colors with the fucking Yamika. You know, you were flashing. What they call them on their son's anarchy? What they call the jacket, the cut? Oh, the cut. You weren't flashing your motherfucking cut on your head. You know what I'm saying?

Last week I flew, last week I flew, and there's a little Jew comes on with slippers and a yarmica. I'm looking at this motherfucker. He's slinging dick, right? But right away, he has to embarrass Jews like a Puerto Rican. Like, right there, if I was a ministry of Jews, I could shoot this motherfucker.

Take a picture and I'd be fucking. You know what he did? They put him in the back on Virgin America. He didn't do his homework. He was a fucking dumb Jew. Then to embarrass the fucking Jews, he went up there and he goes, like a fucking Arab, like real swarmy, he went up there like, how much for Fed's class? Like, he still had an accent from Israel?

Like, how much for first class? Like, I'll have it in my pocket and let he goes, $3.99. He didn't even say thank you. He just, all you smelled was armpit. He just did a fucking 360. He smelled his arm. It was like a revolving door and armpit, and he marched back there. A real Jew would have said, $3.99, give me two feet.

That's a real fucking Jew. $3.99 to bump up to first class. You made a mistake by saying he didn't even get Maine Cabin Select. He got Main Cabin, which is fucking, you might as well fly next to a prisoner. That's it. You might as well find out to somebody in handcuffs. A real Jew would have gotten Main Cabin Select and then Jewed his way up to first class. Like I did.

That's what I do. I go Main Cabin Select. I Jew my way up to first class. If you're going to be a fucking Jew, you've got to act like a Jew. Jew is being a state of mind. This guy was a real Jew, and he acted like some white guy named Boris. He acted like some white guy named... My guy, my name is Morris.

And I like to know how much first class is, and the guy goes 390, and he goes, and he just turning around. I was never so fucking embarrassed. Here I am in first class for 500 bucks. Didn't pay the $3.99 bump because I upgraded it with a t-shirt with a hole in it. You know what I'm saying? Not flashing or nothing. So everybody in first class would look at me and go,

the fat guy. And then I started blasting fucking farts. They served hummus, so I came back with fucking heavy-duty fucking yogurt farts from the airport. Because if you eat yogurt on Sunday, it's not the fresh yogurt. That shit's been stewing since Friday in the shells. I come in there 6.30, catch a fucking hour before, mixed with some berries and shit.

It's healthy. Talk to me, brother. What's going on? You're happy. I'm happy about all your success. Dude, this is great. I just love hanging out with you guys. This is called Lee's one-a-month afternoon party.

There ain't no topics. The Agostino's here taking notes. There ain't no topics. We just talk and we have a good time for some people on a serious podcast or all-com. I don't know what to tell you. We're trying to give you a selection here. So, you know, you're going to be listening to this over your Thanksgiving fucking weekend.

You're going to be sitting there with your boring-ass family. Somebody's got cancer. Somebody's got a bad foot and you've got to listen to this fucking earbeat on Thanksgiving. And you're going to put the earphones on and pop fucking us on. And this is what you're going to get. So I hope you're eating white turkey And you're getting stoned in the garage I love to get

Because you guys are friends But in reality You guys are not exact opposite But kind of opposite comedians Like a lot of, well I have to say this Nobody's influenced me more than Uncle Joey Just naturally funny

It's all real comedy It all comes from real life experience And it's just funny Like there are guys that could sit down with a pad and they have to try to figure out how to make something funny. There are comedians with that approach, and then there are just some people that have it. So I would watch this guy.

I was used to manage the comedy store, and I'd sit in the back, and whenever Uncle Joey went on, I want this guy's the truth. This is real comedy. So even though you're, do you lean towards clean, or just the jokes I've seen cleaner? Because, like, with Joey... He's brilliant.

He can work either direction. I'm the fucking moron here that can't say, I can't stop saying fuck. Simone does something on stage that we're both in a way we take you somewhere. Okay. Well, absolutely. I love his bit about pillow fighting and the rest of them.

One minute, you're at a fucking comedy club in Ontario, California. Next minute you're pillow fighting in Philadelphia with your young brother hiding in a room. That's something everybody did. I don't even have a brother. Yeah, that's what's amazing to me with. You either pillow fit with yourself. You know what I'm saying? I have people come up to me there.

Like, I'm an only child, but I had cousins. Or I'd sleep over the neighbor's house. This is amazing. Everybody. And it doesn't matter if they're 18 or 80. Everybody's done the same shit. There's two comedians who, when you leave their show. I've learned a lot.

I've watched Cambridge, I've watched Joe, I've watched Richard Jenny and Bobby Slayton. But there's two comedians that when you leave their show, I look at the people, and they're just ecstatic. Steve Simone,

even when he opened for me a couple weeks ago, and were you all on the same bill, which he's going to be in San Diego with us. Yes. We've got a little family. And you get the host again, but you know what I'm saying? You're working your stripes.

I love you to death. The other man. In a month, you'll be featuring and then six months, You'll be fucking headlining. It's going to cost you $9.95 for the easy course. Right now. Sending $400.

And in nine months, I'll have your headlining every improv across the nation. You too could be a headliner. You too could be on TV. You too could do commercials. I have a three-point guaranteed system on how to be a professional comedian. Call us now at $1,800. We're taking your fucking cash. That's $1,800.

We're taking your cash. And Joey's in for 10 points. I'm in for the whole point. fucking package, you know what I'm saying? We don't get nothing. Can you imagine trying to teach this shit. Can't. I have had thoughts of teaching this shit and there's, I know that I can't teach it,

but there's something I could teach. And that's the discipline that you have to have in the beginning. Like, I want to, like, scared straight. Yeah. You ever see that scaring straight on A&E? Yeah. You want to be a comedian, I want you to sit with me for one hour because I'm going to read you one side of it.

And if you don't have three of these traits, It's the same going to work for you. If you're not going to stop going to weddings and dicking around, don't do it. If you're not going to go to a, prepared for a life of a little bit of struggle, don't do it. And if you're not going to be real to yourself, don't bother. If you're going to be one of those comics, that's going to fucking have his friends. You know those shows I'm talking about where you go and your buddies come and see you. So sad.

And they tell you how funny you are. And these comics are, in three years from now, the guys aren't even doing comedy no more because they refuse to go to the hard thing. I'm very fucking sorry about this. Who the fuck this is called? Who the fuck is this? Hey, Jimmy. 5.46 in the morning.

Cracker dawning, now I'm yawning. Anyway, cock suckers got no manners. So what do you think the three traits are for a young comic? Sacrifice. Yeah. Sacrifice and sacrifice. Yeah. Sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice.

And even if you don't sacrifice, I want you to. be prepared for it. I got one job right now. The same job my mother had and she did a great fucking job. My mother did a lot of mistakes from it, but she did one thing for me. When she died and she left me there at 15, she prepared me. She gave me a little bit of preparedness. This is what it's going to be. And I didn't listen, but she taught me how to wash my own clothes. She taught me how to cook, she taught me how to clean. She taught me how to wash my bathroom. You taught me pretty much how to cover yourself as a fucking man. The rest of the shit, You fill it in with stand-ups.

I can't teach you out of right because it's your discipline of sitting and writing You could go to Samuel, French, and write every fucking book, every biography on this guy, that guy, this guy. Guess what? If you don't sit on and write every fucking day is not going to work out for you. It's going to take you four years just to figure out how to fucking write. Yeah. Four years just to figure out how to fucking write. That's a complete different trade here.

Yeah, you come up with jokes and I did it for years, but you're 50-50 comic. Yeah. You're 50-50 comic. You want to improvise and go up there. What do you do for a living? You're a 50-50-50 comic. You're going to go up there 50% of time and destroy, and 50% of time you've got to die a fucking slow death.

So you better do the same shit that don't like an MMA. You better work off your back, which means you got a fucking right. Di Agostino fucking rights. You fucking right. I didn't write for 10 years. If not, I wouldn't be here right now. If I would have written the first 10 years,

I wouldn't be here talking to you fucking Gaguchi. I'd be the president of ABC slinging dick. You understand me? Vasatchi, Vasachi, Vasachi, Vasachi, Vasatchi. Brasci, Vasci, throwing bills in the air, killing people, stabbing waiters. Stabbing a waiter and then signing a settlement check

right there. You're worth about $8 million. With his blood? Fuck it, throwing his neck. Yeah, with his blood. I like that. See, that's why I know. He's a real Jew.

A blood. White kids don't think of that shit. Signed his name is blood. Oh, that's a... Then you become a zombie. Fuck you. What's this thing with zombies all of a sudden? And we grew up on the real zombie movies.

The fucking one, we used to take acid and go see Dorn and the Dead. How could you handle that? That one episode where in the beginning, right off the fucking bat, the guy is the black guy. And he was like, Mama, Mama, and the helicopter chops his fucking head off. On the top of his head flies off. We were on acid, and we handled it like fucking men. You understand? These fucking kids today would run out of there.

They do zombie walks down the shore. Yeah. They all get together with knives in their neck and walk around like half of fags. Is this what it's fucking coming to? What's happened? What the fuck? What else is going on, Steve's someone? I'm sorry, this is just a crazy podcast.

This is great. Me, I ate a Cheebo Chew 175, and I ate a gummy bear 70. I'm blowing heat. What are all these people want to call me for? I got to wish this guy a happy birthday. Here's my brother here. Yo, I'm on the podcast, but happy birthday, Cucksuck. I love you.

All right, what are you doing tonight? So how was touring with Gabriel? The greatest thing ever. So where did you go? We did a run through the Midwest. Playing arenas. That guy is such a beast. He's so good at what he does.

That he's selling out five, 10,000 seats. Is he really? Yeah, he's amazing. I didn't watch his last special because they cut it in two, so I missed the second half. It's the only time, they did two hours on Comedy Central, two hours special. But they did it like a week later or something?

No, well, I remember Memorial Day weekend. They showed the whole thing. Oh, okay, because when they first aired it, they cut it in the two, and it was like a to be continued TV show so I watched the first half but the second half I didn't see I have it on DVD

I'll let you borrow it Is he now I talk to Joey because I love comedy like this just it's my copy what I noticed sometimes is like the first special

for a comedian will be great second one good maybe great let me tell you something he's working on a bit right now that I think's the greatest piece of stand-up comedy I've ever seen

I don't want to ruin it but it's just one of those pieces of comedy that's just so real and honest where five 10,000 people I saw laughing and crying at the same time. Jesus. I mean, it was like, you know how Richard Pryor could put you in that spot where it's just such a expression of what it means to be human that there is that mixture of pathos and drama and realness with hilarity.

And I was just one, this dude's on another level. like it was what Joey was saying before about other comedians. Gabriel can help other people because he's a bad motherfucker. He's not a paper champion. That dude paid his dues. He's killed every room imaginable.

And he's selling out 10,000 seats because he deserves to sell out 10,000 seats. It's not a fluke. It's not some kid that had seven minutes in a look and he's going, oh, fuck, how did I get here? He paid his dues along the way. And in my opinion right now, he's the best in the world.

He's, uh, how was it Gabriel? he lost his virginity. What? In Tucson, Arizona, we used to do a club called Bugsys for $150 in the plane ticket. Wow. And they'd feed you when they'd pick you up at the airport. And I'd get some good blow, and they put you in this crack hotel that is now redone.

It's like an avant-garde place. Right. But I remember being in there in the female comic calling me going, somebody's trying to break into my room. I mean, it was that type of hotel. And we went down there one time to Bugsys. He was a kid, guys. He was a kid. I was already a man.

I was 30-sized. Gabriel was 18. Oh, really? He started that young? Yeah. Then he booked the other casino off to 7-10, the bicycle club. Nobody remembers that. It was $48 on a Thursday night, and they mailed you a check. Like $46.

Gabriel fucking, then from there, his big thing was like the Latino laugh festivals. Then he started doing K-Locos, and it was just, it was George Lopez was blowing up on one direction, and Gabriel was knocking him dead in the other. And all of a sudden, I seen this lovable guy who everybody loved. And all of a sudden, the tensions from within the Latino community started charging at him. And it was something that I had never seen. That's the first time I ever saw people go against each other. And it's only in comedy.

Oh, they didn't like him? A lot of people went to war with Gabriel. A lot of people go to war with any time you're on to move up, people will find a chink in your armor, attack it. and because somewhere along the line they feel that you owe him something it's very weird what do they do they call him fat like he doesn't know

no no they don't call him fat they just go you know how come you don't help us or a lot of people come out of the woodwork but he didn't give a fuck he kept going and going and going and this guy deserves all the success in the world you see a guy like Kevin Ard I had Kevin Ard had a TV show and it bombed

and he went to three arts and the imprars and he goes I want to work every week I want $1,500 a week I want you to give away tickets. Give me one year. He did that for a year. He lost money to go into these towns. And he made himself a believer.

That's why you have to admire Kevin Hart. Absolutely. I did an open mic with him back in Philly. I remember the laugh house. I was just, I didn't know anything about comedy. It's the only comedy comedy. And Big Jay Ocasin? Yep.

I remember seeing Big Jay back in the day. He doesn't remember me, but I remember him. I only did like two or three open mics there. But I remember this is the, Kevin Hart doesn't know me from Adam. But I remember going in it. just watching in the back and him introducing himself

and just being a class axe, just a cool dude and then he saw me do comedy once and he hugged me afterwards. He was like, bro, I'm going to bring into North Philly. I'm going to get a legend up there. They'll love you up there. You're a crazy white boy.

They'll love you. You're silly or this and that. And that was late 90s. And here's the beauty of this that we talk about this show on the podcast. A lot of people sitting there right now at home going, you know what? I'm not going to listen to this shit.

They're talking about standard. Every time I listen to these guys, they talk about standard or something like that. Let me tell you something. What we're trying to tell you is you could substitute whatever the fuck you love. That's true. You could substitute.

I have learned so much. Listen, guys, I've been going on that jiu-jitsu since May. I'm 50. I can't go four times a week, and I can't go three times a week. It really bangs you up. I go twice a week where I go one time to class, and I take a private lesson where I roll around a little bit, and he teaches me this, or Ezekio Choke, or whatever the fuck they teach you.

I go to kettle. I try to do the best I can. I suck a jihitsu. If this was 20 years ago, I would have quit. it three weeks ago. Yeah. Because of comedy, I stick with everything now. Yeah.

I stick with everything because I've learned something that no matter how fucking bad you are or how bad you are financially, if you believe in your art, I mean, truly fucking believe, not because you want pussy, not because you want to be famous, none of that shit. I'm talking about if you really believe that you could add something. You know what? I like Dave Gilmore, and I like fucking a guy from the guitar player from Tool. But I think I could add something different. And if you truly believe that,

if you believe with your paint brush, whatever the fuck it is, plumbing or sucking cock, if you truly believe, there's a chick out there that's like, I suck the best dick in my neighborhood. I've blown 18 guys, and they've all come, and they've told me, they've come back to me, they tell me I'm beautiful, and you ask her, what's her secret?

I grab the nuts, and I squeeze them, and then I twist them, and at the same time. They all think they have something that nobody else has. Yeah. And that's the same thing that makes you special, and gives you fucking hope. we still here so we were talking about me and simona were in Vegas mooching off of a fucking rj him every every dollar bill he threw on the floor we've had this conversation on the

podcast before you know what he gave a guy three thousand dollars to put his name on the fucking on the marquee you know and and here we were 10 years ago i remember coming home with the 400 it was like 10 000 to me and terry we were going to buy groceries yeah i could pay my coke dealer tab you know there's just so many fucking things that and you see the evolution even And then, why didn't we go home? Right. You were living with Fat James. God bless his soul.

His toes smelled. You know, I mean, all these fucking things. I mean, you were getting spots at the store. No, I was walking. I had no car. I would walk to the store. I wasn't past. I wasn't getting spots.

I'd walked the two, three miles down there every night to just be a part of it, to just hang. And the nights that I was supposed to be there, I was getting $25 a shift to work the door. To work the fucking door. I was a dormant. $25 a shift? $25 a shift. I would get $25 on a Sunday. I would get $25 to work the door

and $25 to host on a Sunday. How do they did that's less than minimum wage? It was. It was. How do they do that? So I would go at 7, work the door until 10, and then jump on, host the open mic. I went to Mitch.

I go, Mitch, I need all the cash. I can fucking get it. I'll start robbing this fucking buddy. I took a bottle of whiskey out of here. These people are fucking dumb. I told you one time I took a yardstick right off the top of the desk and they blamed it on Ricker. Oh, my God.

I thought bad, but I'd already bought a grandma blow. I can't put the thing back. You know when people count money, the registers are right there? Like, he had the register, and he had the banks, and he had $100 in singles, like three or four of them. And I walk in, tap him on the shoulder. Like, how you're doing? He's like, what's going on in nothing? And right there, you know when you actually go like that and put something in your pocket

and somebody goes, put it back, asshole? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went like that, and I waited five minutes. He didn't say nothing, so I didn't put it back. I just left. And then Rica walked in after me. I said, I'm walking out. I see Ricka walking.

Like, hey, how are you doing? And 10 minutes later, the word's already out. My girlfriend comes out. He's like, hey, be careful. Rick had just stole $100. And I'm like, I stole $100. But they blamed on Rika. Oh, God.

And I went and bought, I had already seen Chewy. I really got three. He used to give me like $4.20s for $60. Then I'd save $20 for booze and $20 for a bottle later on. Come on, Dowie. Pink Dot. sandwiches all the meatball the turkey with Swiss cheese or a tomato they have for some reason they had something nobody else had the roll yep they figured it out

pink dot and we go over there and I remember I had already paid chewy for the blow I couldn't fucking put the hundred back I was walking around with 40 singles I was trying to figure out how to wash my money I had to walk over to the hire and cancer ballet guy was I had to wash my money I had if they were one in my pocket I would have 40 singles I would have been guilty somebody stole a hundred fucking singles Jesus I had to wash my my singles over. I had to go see what's his name across the house of blues. Let me get a 20. Is this a step warlock? Yeah, warlock. I give you 40 singles for $38.

What's up, Doug? What's up? What do you guys think about not quitting sounds like a bad word, but like changing your direction? Because like for me, when I went to college, I thought I'd be a TV or movie editor. Right. And I still could. But being there, I realized it's not what I love and this is. So like, let's say a comedy or like you were saying anything you're doing. Let's say you spend four years of college and God forbid it's not what you should be doing and you feel like the pressure from your parents to like stick it out Like as a comic did you ever like I know Joey thought about quitting, but it wasn't because you weren't good enough Like have you have you guys gone through it or seen comics who just like they realize they're not good enough or Or like it's it must be a weird thing to put all that time into it and just realize I'm never gonna be over I'm never gonna be this good or I don't even know where I'm going with it but it's it's it's it's It must be kind of a weird thing to realize that.

In 2002, I was very close to quit. I was frustrated. I didn't have a manager. I had an agent. I had nobody helping me. Montreal didn't want me. Nobody wanted me. We'd do showcases.

I remember Jeff Gettwin. Jeff Gettlin was my first real man. I had Ken Phillips, who was a great guy, but he didn't have the balls. I would tell Ken, Ken, call the Ha-ha, and book me in there for a weekend. Man, I've been calling the Agostino for a month. He won't answer the phone. Then one morning, I would wake up at 6 in the fucking morning. I didn't get no coke tonight before.

I'm fucking broke. I got $3 for breakfast. And at fucking breakfast, I go, you know what? I'm calling the Agostino Direct. And at fucking 901, I pick up the fucking phone. I called the Agostino. Joe Diaz. I'm looking for a weekend as a feature.

And you're looking for $300. And you're looking for $300. And all of a sudden, this guy's like, I'll give you $500 for the weekend. Thank you, brother. And all of a sudden, I'd call Ken at fucking 10.01. He'd still be sleeping because his office was up. What's up, buddy? You called the Agostino.

I called eight times. I didn't get a hold of him. Open my book. I just booked September 28th to the 30th with the Agostino. Right. How did you get them on the call? I called him at 901 in the fucking morning. That's how I learned how to fucking do stuff.

I got rid of Ken. Then Jeff Gettlin came in. I still had my balls. I was still every fucking Thursday, every Wednesday at 5 o'clock, I'd go to 7.11 and buy backstage. I'd drop it off at home, and I'd have envelopes and stamps.

And on Wednesday nights, I went to the store, and after the store, I'd get a little Coke so I'd go home and lick envelopes and find my own breakdowns. and I would submit myself with college films. That's how I learned how to fucking act. I'm in this fucking stupid De Niro movie, not because I'm lucky than you fucking guys.

Yeah, maybe I am. Maybe I stuck it up, but because of those days, when I would shoot these movies, these college movies, that would shoot at 3 a.m. calls. Who fucking goes to work at 3 a.m. on a fucking movie, because the place is closed.

And that's what I would fucking do, man. And this is, uh, I thought about quitting, because at that time, everybody's shooting TV movies. Yeah. I'm shooting TV movies. fucking free movies. Every movie I did was a freebie. Then the Sopranos got fucking hot.

The Sopranos were on fire. And I went to New York and I auditioned. I got a callback and I went to producers and I didn't get it. But that gave me a little bit of confidence. Gave me a little bit of confidence that, you know what? Maybe I'll stay in here for six months. And all of a sudden I called a lucky break. One night at the store, I went up on the store with eight people in the audience and I fucking killed them. And in the back room, two black guys was there.

I don't remember what the kid's name was. I just used to see him a lot at the store. The improv. It was at the improv way. I used to see this black kid on Freaky Mondays. And I knew he was on some black TV show or some TV show. One day I got a call. I wake up one morning.

There's a thousand fucking messages on my phone call. The mad TV is looking for you. Wow. They're looking for a big pussy look alike. And I get down there, there's a bunch of fucking guys. I don't know if they look like big pussy or not. And they're reading, and they're coming out. I got it, dog.

I got him and I'm like fucking cracked I'm a half a fag I don't have any confidence you know I didn't get the soprano's I didn't get this I didn't get that I didn't go to Montreal and I fucking went in there and just started ripping ripping where's the gababagoo and all this shit and they were hound they go can you wait five minutes and with that I hear a knock on the door and the door opens up and guess who it is at the door one of those black comics from freaky monday that it was the host. His name was Harry Spears. Wow.

Oh, cool. And he walks over to him and he goes, What's up, nigger? And he gives me a hug, and he goes, Jersey love. Wow. And I'm a Jersey. He's orange in the house. Paterson, what the fuck he's from, right?

That's great. This is fucking happening to me. I'm getting tears in the back of my eyes, but I cannot cry because I'll lose this role. Yeah. And also he goes, I'll put a word in for you, motherfucker. And she, the two white chicks come in and he gets them out of the room. And also, and they come back and they go,

can you sit here for an hour? And I go, yeah, and I sat there. And next to you know, I got fucking mad TV. And that's the first time I got respect. That's why I tell all young comics. What have I been bugging you about, Diagostino? Because you have to get on the board. Because once a club manager sees you, even sweeping on cold case,

that flips their decision on you. You have a chance. That verifies them. Now, I'm not saying they're going to headline you, but they're going to start calling you. Come on down. Then one night they're going to go, bro. I'm up on my TV.

and then I'm about the fuck my... You know how club managers always try to be funny? Yeah. I'm about to fuck my wife and who comes on on a cold case, the Agostino.

Yeah. And, guys, how much is that difference has it made? Everything. When you're sitting there and you see, remember we moved here?

Fucking Harry Shafir. Yep. Oh my God. Dekea commercial. As a matter of fact, you want to hear a tremendous story, girl from the comedy store

got cancer in her tongue. Stephanie Escaheda. I didn't know that. Ten years ago. She's married now. She has a kid. She lived. She's beautiful.

Awesome. I bump into her. She's got four national commercials running. Counting. I count them. She's the chick that pays for the tab for the Allstate commercial with the black guy. She's in four fucking national commercials. You know how long she's been auditioning for commercials?

12 to 13 years. I used to be out there banging them out there with it. She takes her kid to these fucking auditions. And now she's got four national commercials running. That's $80,000 fucking dollars, just to show up. down there. This is what I'm saying. Whatever the fuck you're doing it, I'm getting pissed. Spark a fucking number,

Metallica. Pop, ba, ba, pa, ba, pa, pa, pa. What the fuck? Let's go. Eat that of the edible. I'll stab you with this. I'll hit you with this fucking... I'll rip this fucking thing off.

And I'll stab you like a fucking... Godfather. Godfather 3. This is a phenomenal podcast today. Pick up your... I know it's Thursday, Joe. We're getting at 12 o'clock. It don't matter.

We're here sparking it. Kick it, Lee. Kick that. Oh, yeah, Gastino dance in front of the camera, look. I'm gonna see you the fuck they're fucking with you. What? Get out of the house, Doc suppers.

Go mail an envelope. Send a thank you note. Do something. What? Huh? Where's this number? Take a walk. Sing for Uncle Joey.

Sing this motherfucker, sing, drop it from you, you, sing. Right here, put on the mind. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Are you fucking kidding me? Or, you fucking kidding me? What? It's your insides. Get up, you fuck.

Spark that motherfucker. Bong hits for Jerry's kids. I'm your... What? Stop it. It's Wednesday. Get it together, cock suckers. Sad but true. Are you fucked? Get it together. Get the guns. Get it. Stop, quiet. Get a job, you fuck. Pick up your socks. Let's go, baby. Smunk this fucking thing. Where's the flying Jew?

That's my main man. I want to give a shout out to Onit, throwing it down with the hemp-force protein powder. I've been mixing that up lately with a fucking banana. I feel good. I've been cutting it down. I'm trying to lose some weight. I've got to live from my daughter,

so I've got to really cut it down. You know what I'm saying? I'm doing it for you guys to show you. I just get a lot of emails from people losing weight. Let's do this motherfucker together. Go to Onet.com. See what they got. From kettlebells to training ropes.

You know, it's all up to. you but the most important thing is the shroom tech is phenomenal for your endurance the alpha brain if you want to get a little bit of focus just try it for a while you know I don't stay on a year-round that go from you know your immune system so I got my immune you build up a resistance right go from thing to things sometimes it's alpha brain sometimes a couple fucking numbers you know takes you to the same fucking place doesn't it you eat the ass or the pussy you still come right you still get taken to the same fucking place so go to honit.com

press in one in the box when you order church C-H-U-R-C-A you They got stivia. They got fucking the shit to go to sleep or what. They got the shit they give Kennedy just to wiggle his head. 80 years later, they're still trying to figure out who shot Kennedy. Get your fucking shit together, people. I love you, motherfuckers. But you know what?

At the end of the week, who gives a fuck? You think when you go to shop, right, or rouse? And they're like, where's the grocery room? I'm trying to figure out who shot him. Go fuck your mother up the ass, all right? Kennedy. I thought it was 80 years ago. Are you, Uncle Jr.?

Remember that's up on. Forget what, go figure out who shot Lincoln. Let's get the fuck out of here. And go find out of George Washington his fucking apple tree. Go to honor.com. That's what I'm trying to say to here.

They got a bunch of good stuff for you, all right? Just try the protein powder. Or go with the hemp force protein bars. I don't know what the... It's 10 grams of protein. You got fiber. You'll shit your fucking blood out. I love it.

I love shit in a big fucking dump. You ever take a shit and look at your white ass. Because I got a wipe and then look at him. Just to see who I killed. right? It's Wednesday, you fucks. Go to honor. Another thing.

I didn't shave today because I got to go Malibu. I'm going to St. Louis tonight. So I got to look like a fucking soldier. But Dollar Shave Club, I'm really impressed with you people. And if I'm fucking impressed, listen, a lot of shit don't fucking impress me.

And this shit's impressive. You know what? Because you're saved dough and it's a good fucking product. When everybody goes on, I was the king of finding the Chinese menu. I haven't done a lot of good things in my life but I've helped a lot of people save money at lunch.

You know why? Because I always knew who gave you the best bang for the dollar at lunchtime. I always knew the Chinese restaurant. I always knew the people gave you a little extra rice. They gave you a real egg roll. Nice. You ever go to a fucking lunch and they give you the fucking Puerto Rican lunch? They give you the fucking greasy skinny egg roll.

It's got AIDS. It's got oil. It's not a great roll. They throw a trick at you. They don't throw the real egg roll because they want $2.50 for that shit. I used to figure out who gave you the real egg roll. You gave you the real egg roll. Who gives you the nice pork fried rice?

Fuck that. Who wants vegetable pork, bro? What I'm, what's big for me? The actual real Chinese spicy mustard. No one had, like, very few places have it out here. The orange shit that blows the hairs out of you know when you breathe. The real deal. I fucking love.

Right here in Sherman Oaks, they got that green apple. Anybody? Oh, that's not bad. Anybody go to the green apple? Where is the egg roll? What the fuck? What? Guys, not bad.

Yep. Not bad. You know what? I've controlled myself every fucking time. in there with my wife by myself I gave Diagostino, I have to fucking order the pork fried rice. It's not it's not Chan's dragon fucking in.

What I'm trying to say is, I give you the best value for your buck and I stand behind it. I got to a hotel last week, Steve knows when you travel sometimes you forget shit. You go on to the front counter. You can stay after four seasons. They're still going to give you a fucking one of those Puerto Rican bicks. Not the day. They give you the fucking razors.

How bad of those for you? You'll kill yourself. And you splice your face or whatever. That's a dollar razor on the street. fucking dollar shave club has a dollar razor for the month you get a fucking handle that you can nail a fucking nail into a wall with and you get two blades you get two things two cartridges with two fucking blades

four cartridges with two fucking blades that's a dollar for six dollars hit them me what do you get three blade ratings and you get the fucking handle that you can use as a weapon or poker eye I was looking at some motherfucker attached ladies you shaving your fucking pussy right somebody comes in your fucking window right you know that blade that the big fucking

guy is sponsoring from Green Bay Packers, you know, he's got that blade. Go see how much that blade is. That blade is $26 with like one fucking cartridge. And if somebody comes in your window and you stab them, it'll break. That little thing breaks off. No, no, no, no, no. With this, you pop that motherfucker,

you pat the motherfucker right in the eye while you're shaving your little pussy. You pop the head off first? You pop the head off first. That handle is usually weak, not with this thing. It's metal. You could poke their fucking eye like a Stephen Seagal movie. Stick your finger right in their fucking eyeball and call it 911 while they're taking it out.

I'm just trying to help you all the uses. Come on, don't sit there. Dude, I'm trying to figure it out. It's only $6.00 a month. And then if you want the executive plan, it's $9 a month, which at the end of the year. How much for the year? $108 a year.

You've got a fixed income on fucking shaving. So when your wife says to you, you're spending too much on raises, relax, bitch. I'm spending a buck 08 on fucking raises, and in fact, I'm cutting back to the $6 package, which is $72 a year. That's fucking $6. Six months of fucking raises if you go to CVS or shopper.

Oh, not it? Yeah, did those... Go to Dollar Shave Club, talk suckers. Joey Deer's.net. Go to Dollar Shave Club. Go to the box and press in. Church. Church.

C-H-U-R-C-H. That's what I'm trying to say to you, people. Jesus. Oh, my God. I remember my first menu, you used to have little pieces of paper stuck to you, little blood. All the time.

Because I, fuck, I didn't know what razor to go with. You don't see that shit now. What the fuck? Get it together, people. I'm not here. I don't... What do you think? getting rich on Don Shaker

is that white dude with the haircut with the little Mexican guy he's getting fucking filthy rich got a warehouse a car his own pool

his own golf course Oh dude What's up dog Talkin? Tell me something I'm over here smoking like a fucking soldier

I'm smoking like Russell Crow and Gladiator That's a great movie Love that movie How good is that I took months for people to sell me

that movie Joe Rogan used to tell me all the time What? Get the fuck out of my face. And when I, that scene, you know, nobody's done that since fucking Bruce Lee. That's Bruce Lee

type of shit. Tell me something good, doctor. Everything good in your world. So you're going to be anywhere soon, Steve? I'm going to be with Uncle Joey and Augustino next week. In San Diego. I can't wait to do that. I'm going to come down Saturday night. Please. That'll be fun. Dude, my buddy owns the best taco shop down there. Oh, no, I've gone to Don Carlos.

Oh, it's the best. Those California burritos. Oh, yeah, that's what I get every time. Arna Asada with the crispy crispy as french fries I'm so glad you're going to I'm so glad I'm bringing my wife Thank you for having me We're going to eat so much

We're going to kill it If anyone's going and they go to Don Carlos He's nice He's always nice The guy He's the guy behind the counter But he's even nicer Just say I'm going to a comedy show

His eyes light up He brings up Ari He brings up Steve He goes to the La Jolla Comedy store like every night Every night It's fucking And the food's fucking amazing

Amazing Oh my God That's the only good white guy with Mexican food. Who's that, brother? The guy who owns Don Carlos in San Diego. Right down the street from the store. No, no, but that place around the corner from P.B. Bar and Grill, that was my old school

place. A little hut. Two or two in the morning. Oh, the Ramiro's spot with the... Oh, fuck. The bean and cheese burrito there, when you're coked up the next morning, when you wake up, the chick still passed out in the bed. She's got rings around her nose and blood on her t-shirt and shit.

And you look at that box and there's still a half burrito. stiff. It looks like it's been dead and you bite into that motherfucking. The burrito's dead, but the salsa is still alive. The blood is still fucking alive. But Romero's is tremendous. Every time I would go to San Diego, I'd basically go for fucking Romero's.

When the condo was around the corner there and I wasn't trying to fuck Shamer. Because whenever you went down there with Shamer, you always tried to fuck it. Even how many times you say, I ain't going to fuck Shamer? Like 2 o'clock, you're like, I got to eat Shammers' assholes. She's looking too good and shit. I miss Shamer. I'm gonna have a call into the podcast.

I miss shaming. She'll probably call up a bitch about caparulo and shit. What's up, Steve Simone? What the fuck? Ha ha ha ha. Tell me, look at this fucking guy.

Where are you at? Put your feet off the couch. Can I get your something? A cup of coffee or something? Who do what you want to do? He brought donuts. He can do whatever he wants. That's right.

Good fucking donuts too. I was going to bring Domingos for you guys, but you tell me not to. Who needs it? What's Domingos? What's Domingos? Oh, is that Italian sandwich place? I want somebody to find the podcast when he told the whole story about juicing.

I was going to change his life. I want somebody to cut that piece and play it every time. Like every time you say. Well, what am I supposed to do? With you, we go to fucking 10 o'clock sushi. And then on the weekends, my fucking girlfriend makes fucking, like a place of my fault. And your girlfriend's fault. The best was he started juicing.

I called him on a Tuesday to tell him we're going to San Francisco on Friday. And he quit that minute. I go, why did you quit? He goes, why, we're going to San Francisco on Friday. Like, well, that Friday, Cucksuck. Do it now. You could have juiced two more things. I couldn't take it no more.

That's when they finally told me it was all over. That juice and shit, I wouldn't even get involved in that. I don't get involved. I had a kid one time, great kid, Bobby, something, gave me over at Fortune's Gym, gave me this whole juice and the thing. I don't like vegetables juiced. I don't like it. I don't like it.

When I was like V8, I just don't like it. You want to make me a watermelon juice, mix it with that lady. There's a lady on Hollywood between Vine and. that street I've told I've talked people about this before she used to be around the corner on vine in the fucking late 90s and early 2000s and they started building hotels on vine so they kicked her out now she's on between Vine and the street there on Hollywood across in the movie theater and what used to be

chicken delight you go in there for 850 she makes you a smoothie and a homemade sandwich what I mean by a homemade sandwich it's a homemade chicken salad on wheat bread. Everything is wheat bread. It's very healthy, but it's not like shit meat or subway and the fucking smoothies are real fruit smoothies. It's not like you go in and you go, oh my God, this is

so sweet. No, you're like, this is fucking fruit. She's from another country, Honduras or something like that. And I know that she's probably a co-dealer, but she's made millions of dollars there, they're there. They've been on that, around that area for 30 years. You go on there, everybody's picture is on there. Everybody's gone there from

Brad fucking Pitt, Angelina. Jolie because she's the real shit and they moved on you know everybody wants to be but that place go in there some time and taste their juices and they'll make you whatever you want they've been making cucumber and carrot combinations for 30 fucking years that's why it's amazing how this country goes through fads oh and the thing I don't like about a fad diet is which they shouldn't call it a diet should just be your whole lifestyle because if you want to drop a sincere amount of weight you have to change your whole lifestyle I knew that from weight watches

and it's like last week I went to whatever and instead of having the chicken sandwich with the fries I had the chicken sandwich with the fruit I don't like it either but it's better than none I didn't eat Chinese food when I went to Long Island when on the plane I was like yeah I'm gonna eat I'm trying to this fucking kid I don't want to die at 52 you know I don't want my to be fucking yeah you know what I started doing it's the little things I

cut up a instead of I'm good for a bag of fucking kettle chips every day if I buy in the Ralph's either the chips the pretzels uh tortilla chips and hummus, but I did, oh, I'll kill it. So what I did is I cut up, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. You're disgusted, I know.

I know you're disgusted. Somebody from Philadelphia eat hummus. This is what I'm saying. We're losing the war. We are losing the war slowly. They're in for sure. Hummus, this is what I'm saying. I listen, if you're from another state,

you're looking at it. Because I can't even look at these rarely flag because I don't deserve the wisdom. I don't deserve what's on that. flag. I don't deserve to be in the same room as the flag. Because what I'm letting surrounding myself, if I was a true soldier, I just shoot people at supermarkets who even thought of looking at ranch dressing. Like, I would just stand there all day at one supermarket per day, and if you looked at

ranch, I should just shoot you, follow you home. They wouldn't figure out why these people are getting shot. Nobody would figure it out. Why is this guy getting shot? Nobody. Because if you look at ranch dressing, if you put pizza with pineapple, I should shoot you. You don't like that? No.

Not even anywhere in my world. And if you eat hummus in public, like if you want to eat that fucking toe jam and the privacy... Toad. That's all that is. It's toe jam with olive oil. That's all that shit is.

You think people who tried to bomb us are going to make you something healthy? They're trying to kill you. Every time I'm going to 7-Eleven. I'm convinced 7-Eleven. They're trying to kill you. That's how cato cells. That's out of cated in a different way.

They're al-cated cells. They've got trucks. They're out there loading shit. That's how it's going to start. I guarantee we're all going to laugh in our faces. One day, one 7-11 is going to blow up, and they're all going to blow up strategically all over the fucking country. And we're all going to be fucking pissed the fuck off, because they got good coffee. That's one thing. Central 11 don't have bad fucking coffee. It's just going

in there. Today I went to a 7-11, the fucking chick was banging. In Burbank, on Burbank, the little Hindu chick. There's two 7-Elevens where they have Indian chicks, and they're fucking hot. Hot. They transferred the whole clique out of this place in North Hollywood. There's one on Magnolia. There's one on Magnolia. there and they used to have a good fucking Hindu clique. One guy was doing steroids down in Venice, a Hindu with a beard. Then they replaced the whole fucking

class they transferred them and they replaced that town lab. One of the guys even has the fucking Arcada beard, like the white beard and people go in and then the one on Laurel Canyon. That motherfucker is definitely Alcada. That dude smells Alcata. He smells like a mountain goat.

That's fucking 100. Well, we just Last 7-Eleven is a sponsor. Fuck them, too. I believe that. I believe that. I look at that and I go, that could be. How can the...

And I'm not mad or no, but I might get sued for saying this shit. I'm crazy. I'm crazy in a different way, like any of those people, conspiracy theory. I just see things for what they are, and I see these people ganging up on this. Today I read an article about that they're letting people in as refugees from these other countries, and they've already let... I don't know how many arcaded soldiers in or whatever.

Really? Yeah. We let a bunch in. They're posing in. as soldiers that have been injured or something like that. Something fucking outlandish. So, you know, when it's all over, don't come crying to me if you get bombed at 7-15

where you're getting a hot dog. I told you not to go. And look at those wings. That's reverse terrorism. 7-Eleven, that's terrorism. Not 7-Eleven, subway. That's definitely terrorist. That's definitely terrorist right there.

That's definitely they're poisoning you from the inside out. Go to 7-Eleven, get a turkey sandwich, and go home and smell your shit eight hours later. See what comes out. First of all, it takes, go on Google and see how long it takes for your stomach to digest something. And time it. Time it. Time it. Seriously.

You don't have to be, I'm a professional. And then go home and see what all your other shits look like and what the 7-11 sandwich looks like when it comes out of here. That's terrorism, guys. That's a different type of fucking terrorism. A lot of people might turn off the podcast. And I'm not, and right away, I'm not fucking, I'm saying Subway Sandwich. Every time you go to Subway Sandwich, it's Mexican people working there. I'm not saying they're terrorists, but it's the fucking root of evil.

This weed is tremendous. This fucking rant powered to you by Chibo Choo. If you're going to come after me, 7-11, go after Chibotchus. They're the ones that fuel this whole thing. What's up, Lysayat, you bad motherfucker. Let's give some shout-outs. Lee. Give it to me.

You're sitting there. Let's give a shout-out to my main man, Di Agostino, for coming out to the... I love this cuckold all my heart. Truder, Arner, Bad Andy, Cleo, Jordan, Muskell, Joey Brooklyn, I love you, cocksucker, Fran Nilsen, Ty Grant, Kelly Valdez,

and Denver, what the fuck you at, and R. Jiggetty in Chicago, I love you, cock suckers. I hope everybody's doing all right today. Wednesday. Look at his people fucking tweeting. I don't even know what they're tweeting. And in a few weeks, Agostino is going to be on Nouveau's

Stand Up and Deliver, December 10th. Here's in December 10th. Come on. Do you know when you're there? He's taking over, fucking Elamundo. single-handedly and shit my man Diagostina watch pretty soon

who'll be doing fucking gigs in Guadalajara he'll get shooting the foot he'll come back like a soldier and shit what happened I got shooting the foot some Mexican dude

but he gave me a key little blow down out the bell out we have a good time on this podcast I don't get one fucking who's a fuck we're not supposed to be edited

but not that if you want a TV show go to watch CBS where people rehearse their lines I mean rehearsing shit I ain't planning shit the fucking sponsors They know what time it is.

You know, I got to come at you with the truth. The fucking dollar shave club is very good. That Hulu Plus, a lot of people were on Hulu. Hulu Plus. Oh shit. Hulu Plus is getting better by the fucking day. Law and order, SvU. They got everything on their fucking shark tank.

They ain't fucking around at Hulu Plus no more. Break it down. And he said last night your daughter couldn't sleep, so you turned on SpongeBob Squarepants. There you go. Who the fucking thing you're dealing with? She was jumping up and down at 12 o'clock, hitting the fucking blocks.

My wife's like, calm her down. Fuck that. This is a late-night house, bitch. You have to make him the pasta like Tommy Simone's mother dick that scene. Fuck, I miss Italian people in my heart for that. Very quickly, just go to Joey Diaz.net, the banner, or put Joey in two weeks a grade. Listen, you know what? I'm going to cut you motherfuckers off on Hulu Plus.

Because you're not taking advantage. I'd be doing this over, over, over, and over again. This is very easy. This is very easy. You could cut your ties with the world. You can watch it on your fucking phone when you're sitting there with a finger up your ass. When you're sitting in the coffee shop and making me, believe you're writing the book that's going to save you

you're going to Paris go fuck your mother right there at fucking Starbucks you can boom put it up right there at 7-11 you can put your favorite fucking little movie on your favorite TV show on whatever it's law and order it's scandal I got original programming I forget the show as I'm fucking stone not to mention you guys got that much

of a fucking selection so stop fucking around go to fucking joey deers.net go to hootoo plus and pressing the code Joey you're going to get two weeks gratis on the fucking arm let me ask you a question When was the last time you went to a hooker, and she sucked your dick for two weeks for free? And then you started paying her.

Who gives you two weeks for free? Go to Jack down at the Haha. You think you'll give you... Go in there and go, I'm going to come in two weeks for free. Two weeks for free, and then you pay every time after that. Fuck you! You're going to tap out on me after a week. But no, they give you that much fucking commitment.

So stop fucking around. Go to Huluplus.com, pressing the code word. Joey. And you're going to get the fucking deal of your life. You know why? Because I'm Uncle Joey. I stand fucking behind Hulu Plus. We think I'm going to hang out with people who fucking.

who fuck you up and steal your credit card. I love you, cocks suckers. That's why we're here. It's Wednesday. Shoutouts, Metallica, Steve DeSimone, fucking throwing heat. What are you fucking nuts or what? My man, Nouveau TV. You know what I watched the other day, and it's going to make you so happy? No one was so bad.

Hangover 3 was so bad. We had to turn it off. Why would you even do that to yourself? You people keep torturing yourself with this shit. I wanted it, and I want Anchorman 2 to be good. but it's going to be garbage. But keep saying that because it goes up against grudgy.

Oh, it does? Yeah, Anchorman. I want it to be good, but it has to be garbage. Will Farr was Woolfowat. Let me tell you some. And a lot of people are going to fucking turn the podcast

off. I was never a fan of Sondon Live growing up. All right. I didn't understand Samurai Night Fever. It made me laugh for a second. Right. But after that,

a lot of people must feel that way about me. A lot of comedians. I wasn't a fan of Sian Night Live. Okay. Will Farrell, with Cowbell. Will Feral did some shit on there that made me fucking laugh.

And I'm a closet comedy enthusiast. I don't watch TV hoping that you fail. When I go home that night or before I leave, I scan showtime. I wish I was lying to you, people. We just had a discussion if you get me by 6.30 when I'm watching Diane Sawyer, I'll tell you whether or not the direction's going. I'll tell you some nights if I just need a nap, but I'll be there for the Taco Man.

So I can pull a nap out of my ass like nobody can. If I tap out at 8.30, I usually wake up at 11 and look at the clock. And I can make a decision. If the Taco Man's there at 12, I'll get up, have a cup of coffee, take a hit off a joint, wash my pussy. Even if I'm going to be home or now, you're going to look good for the Taco Man. You're going to look fucking Refresh. You don't go see the Taco Man with fucking gnatty shit in your fucking headdo.

What was I talking about? Will Ferrell. So a lot of times I look to see what's coming on the television. And I either tape it, and I'm excited now. Steve Runners Easy Special. I haven't watched it yet. but I got excited. Yep.

Something that I know somebody. I want to watch it. Click. I'll fucking just hit a button and you watch it later on or when you get home that night. If I get home on a Saturday night, Saturday Night Live is on.

As a comic, I got to watch it for 10 minutes. I got to watch it. I heard this week's was good with Lady Gaga. See, they're going outside the box. Justin Timberlake is one of the best things they've had the last 10 years. The quarterback from the Denver Broncos is one.

It's amazing that they're going to be. These guys are naturals. They walk in there, these guys that are trained, the I-O-E and all these fucking improv jumping up and down and play the game. There ain't no fucking game. People that go see that shit laugh at, they think you get in. Oh, that's so brilliant. He's standing there. He's a tree.

Suck my dick. I did stand up in Buffalo in a fucking corner, you know, with 60 people that get them for free that hate fucking life for the drinking. That they're arguing with their girlfriend. If they buy him one more drink, you sure you're going to suck my dick. Because if not, I'll pay the electric bill. You know what I'm saying? You've seen those type of people. Oh, the real deal.

They're the real fucking deal. These people, you got to go up there and make them laugh. And you got eight minutes because a person has, you know, 10 seconds to judge you. But you might hit him with a good joke and they'll go, look at this motherfucker. He's going right to the cellar or he's going here. And all of a sudden, after eight minutes, you connect with them. You talk about an animal or your grandma dying. All right now you've got six or seven people in the audience.

That's all you need to get the party started. Them laugh is fucking contagious. It's like lighting a fucking fire and blowing out of it. Absolutely. What's going on, Diagostina? I'm watching you because you didn't smoke no reef. You ain't no edibles. I can't trust you.

You might be wearing a wire. Did you check him? Who sent you, Cox, up? He might be wearing a wire. Don't just sit there, check him. We got shit going on here, like Sun's anarchy. So, and we were talking about it the other night. Like, kind of what guys were talking about at the beginning.

You two have worked and you put it in the work for 10 years, and you might not have had a Hollywood, like, been a star, starring Hollywood movie star, but like and he I still like him but Vince Vaughn has that movie coming out where he's the father of 300 3,000 kids or whatever

he at a point him and Wolf Farrow going back and forth with movies elf anchor man and then Dodgeball and wedding crashers and now he none of his movies have done anything

well first of all you cannot go to the fucking well constantly I cannot go 100% constantly. If I go on the road 40 weeks a year with the same act without changing it, I'm going to

have, statistically I'm going to have 30 fucking good weeks and 10 weeks are not going to be good. The more spaghetti you throw against the wall, now I'm going to school you motherfuckers. Ooh, tremendous. I'm going to school you. I'm going to school you motherfuckers on something.

In 1984, Eddie Murphy released Delirious. No. Oh, is that wrong? Trading Places. Oh, yeah. In 83, he released 48 hours. It was the winter of 82, he released 48 hours. Okay. Winter of 83

he released trading places. One of the funniest movies ever. Now, number one, the marketing was different. Now, you become hit. You're in everything. Fucking Vince Vaughn for three years. He was in fucking everything. Tampon commercials. He was at the Macy's parade. You know, when you're over,

after a while, you're like, okay, it's Vince Vaughn. I fucking get it. He made a string of great fucking films. He started with that film with the guy who's fatted than me now. Swingers. Swingers, and he made eight films. You can't stay around forever. But the more you go to the well,

the quicker you're going to go down the tubes. And these agents are greedy, and the fucking bankrolls are huge, and why you're on top. What do you think? $3 million for Will? Oh, yes, he will. Hold on.

Will, yes, I have Steve Simone. He's going to offer you through him. And you get three of those. Before the year is up, you've got, they've got you on five fucking movies. Yeah. They don't give a fuck with you. Go to Australia, Hong Kong, Kangarooville.

You're shooting. these fucking movies and you're tired and they're gonna get you to do instead of doing um you know instead of doing fucking uh a movie a year and it being tremendous like you and me sitting now like me getting somebody who's a friend this is when you get somebody who's Steve what do for a living uh we're gonna wear out I've known you how many years 40 years come up from now and when I get a script I want you to read it if you think it's me you give it to me you be as honest as you can't fuck the agent right fuck the assistant fuck you and fuck you and fuck you and fuck you and fuck you and fuck you. This guy makes his decision

because he's got his best interest. You're looking for the ten points. And I don't blame you, Lee. I'd be doing the same thing. And I don't mean the point. You know, you're just Jewish. So I got a point of you. And I say, 10% I got a point out of you, if not the Jews will get disrespect. You understand? That flag, I can't point unless I'm talking

10%. I bless you. You fuck. At least you show up with Getus. So, you understand? So you have four people telling you the movie's great. They're all in cahoots. If you die tomorrow, guess what? They got the next guy. John Ligazamo replace you.

Now they're blowing smoke up his ass. It's how solid you are that you could decide. You know what? I'm passing on that. Yeah. I'm passing on this. I'm passing on this. You know what?

I'm already showing my ass on sons of anarchy. Why the fuck am I going to torture him, bitch, and 50 shades of gray? Do you understand me? You can't go keep going to well. If you do 10 tonight shows after a while, it's fucking bad. If you do one tonight short, we two years, now people want to show up down there. But people don't think like that no more.

They want to whore you out there because, you know, how many times have we sat together and said, Lee's not working now, let's do this five days a week. You know what, Doug, I'm 50. I got a nine-month-old. I got you guys. I've got a ride. I'm trying to write a book.

I'm trying to get healthy. If I came in at five days a week, me at 50, I know even if he gave me $50 million, I'm not going to be funny five days away. right and I can't do this five days a week I can do this two days a week and do a week and do a weekend of stand up I can't keep this emotion up

I gotta come in here I fucking pumped at six in the morning thank God I don't do blow or drink alcohol no more I know I can't do this five days a week but that's what you get with knowledge that's what you get after knowing a little bit about yourself

and what you could do you know I know I can't do a Sunday night even if they come at me and go if you stay Sunday they'll give you a bonnet you know what I know me I'm gonna lose my voice yeah I'm gonna fly back I'm going to get sick, and then I got to cancel next week.

So the nickel I made for staying, I'm going to lose fucking next week. So if you do 30 movies a year, and he was, it's like the black dude. Now they put him in commercials with his head shaved. He played everything for a while. Oh, you know. And I love him. You know, the guy in jungle fever, and he played in all the, you know, he was in, you know, Pulpiction.

Samuel Jackson. He was, I remember Paul Mooney. said they had that nigger on playing Moses the other night, three in the morning. They had them playing the Viking. You know, Mooney was goofing on him after a while. They had them doing everything. And after a while, the guy that moved to Texas, the guy that was chasing the fugitive. Tommy Lee Jones?

How many movies were they giving Tommy Lee Jones for a while? They gave Tommy Lee Jones 80 movies in fucking four years. After a while, you're not a draw no more. If you're a draw, you're going to be a draw for your pop one. and it's conservative, and it's the right one. It's not how many motherfuckers you shoot. It's who you shoot. You might come out of here with three mediocre movies,

but I'm over here and I'm going, I'm going to take less of a paycheck, I'm going to do a couple weeks of standard, I'm going to be a dad, I'm going to take one of these a year. That's me. I could curse, and I could go through a window, and I can shoot the Agostino on the leg,

and I can get him apart in the movie. You know, I can fucking, you know what I'm saying? That's... In the beginning, we do anything. I did everything. I did a fucking porno thing thing with fucking... Tebow. Tebow and all those guys.

And when didn't you show? Steve Brother Z, all of us. We all got $2,000 the week before Christmas. It was like a Girls Gone Wild type tape. They showed up at the comedy store. They took every dirty comic, and they gave us like a grand, the 1,500, the week before fucking Christmas,

and they threw, this wasn't Girls Gone Wild. This was Girls Gone Fucking Ugly. This was girls from, like, the less-known strip-up. This is chicks that they pulled out of it. Like, you just keep going backwards, in the strip club world. This was like the one when they put you down

like Pico and fucking you know and they pulled them on they took them to this pool party and they were fucking them and the husband showed up. It was just gross guys and you know

but you do shit in the beginning I'm talking about after you've made it there you know I like Vince Fawn I don't know what this movie's about am I not gonna go see I don't go see anything but if that's on TV

I'll give the guy a chance would I pay the $1250 the week before the holidays or whatever Yeah, no, and it's, that's why, it's funny he brought up Pulp Fiction, that's why Tarantino's is always great, because he takes three or four years, he writes it himself. Yeah. And he, like, I don't, I, I, the only one I haven't seen is Jackie Brown, but everything I've seen of his has been good. Jackie Brown's good.

Yeah, I haven't seen that. Good soundtrack, De Niro, doing bong hits. Yeah. The chick is hot, the blonde. Yeah, what's her face? Oh, Fonda. Oh, she's a fucking beautiful. And, in the, the, uh.

Lee, how can you sit there? What? And tell me you haven't seen. What movie did you watch last week? I watched, what's the one, The Purge? What was that?

How was that? It was okay. Okay, here's what I'm saying. So you took a chance with the Purge. Yeah. But Jackie Brown is sitting there with her ass all white off for a little bit of watch.

Well, yeah, but I mean, I don't know. I was with the girl was on Netflix. I don't know. Who's the Captain Kirk of the Enterprise? Her when she's having sex with me. You understand when I got to work with people. You won't take a fart in the eyebrow, but you're fucking... I know I'm going to have to do that eventually.

Would you do that? Do you like to sniff girls' assholes? It depends on... Who are the chickas? Yeah. Sure. Like, she's a bad asses. You got a...

You would do it? And even if you're drunk, got a few in you. I've seen you're drunk. Yeah. When you're drunk, you'd sniff my asshole. I'd see you're a horned up, brother. You're fucking rock and shit. Trying to get a little fucking tinkinke juice in your mouth.

You've eaten your pussy and your brettes. taste different for like three weeks. Three weeks. You got like a film in your mouth. You must be really getting in there. No, sometimes you eat like weird pussy. The chick is promiscuous or pussy taste good. Whatever.

It's like promiscuous pussy taste good. It's saltier, but it sticks in your mouth. You get like this white stuff, like this film. And it's okay. You get like the certain bad breath. You don't give a fuck. It's like it's like pussy. It's like 3D pussy breath.

The worst for me was... Fuck, and it's Wednesday. The worst for you is what you. Was on the fingers. Or even if, like, it's a one-night standing and you leave and you couldn't wash and you, like, you just get to, like, a store to grab a soda and you can smell it when you're handing them the money.

Did you smell your fingers? Always. Did you back off? Did you back? You got to get hard? No. I, because I've always had porn, so I can't think about it

and, like, smell my finger, but, like, oh, that was pussy. So, like, you talk about that sometimes. You sniff a bra and whang bang one out. You never did that. No. You put the weirdest stuff to get turned. gone by.

Nobody snips a broad hair. I'm the only freak here. You look at her, you look at her fucking high heels and you just jack off into them.

Oh my gosh. You never jerked off in a girl's shoe? No. Never. Like, matter of fact, you never jerked off

a girl shoe. Like when they're taking a shower, you whack off in their shoe. And they put their foot in their oh, what's that? I'm like,

no, hurry up, you got to go. And they go to work with that super glue on their foot all fucking day. This is that type of podcast today people we're just fucking around we're gonna lighten it up here dog

every once in a while we just can't keep giving you serious people in serious situations it's Wednesday you know I don't give a fuck how you judge this pocket it's a great fucking podcast Steve Simone is here I love with these motherfuckers Di Agostini what's going on so all right you shot stand up revolution

Comedy Central Gayberg Lashes four fucking seasons this is the fourth season Is that four seasons wow This is the fourth season correct Great experience for you. Great hanging around with Gabriel. Yeah, it's the greatest. He gave you a camera or anything?

What's that? What did he give you? What gift was in your dressing room? Dude, I did a comedy festival. His first comedy festival, he threw Dr. Dre beats in their best gift I've ever gotten. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, he threw me Sony. The bloggy. The bloggy. And that bloggy is what me and Lee used to do our first mad flavors world and other things. The bloggy still works. And I always felt in my heart that because he was such a positive of influence, like he fought for me to get on comedy,

I had to do something positive with that bloggy, and that bloggy really started this movement. Oh, that's awesome. Because we made 12, 15, 20 videos with the fucking bloggy. Are you fucking kidding me? That bloggy is still ticking, it's falling down. I will have that. They got to bury me with that

bloggy. They got to bury me with that bloggy. That's a rare fucking bloggy. That bloggy, on that bloggy today, I can't even use it no more. The reason why don't make my flavor rolls, because I'm lazy. And number two, I have film on there of me hugging De Niro. And our heads are shaking.

I'm like, I'm talking to him. I'm thanking him. I go, and you have no idea. Like, or someone were leaving. I go, want to take a picture? I'll send him. He's hugging me. I go, dog. As we're looking at the camp, like, most people smile, fake. I'm like, you have no fucking idea what you did for me. Wow. You have no fucking idea what this means, what you did

talking to me. I'm just a fucking piece of shit. And he was like talking, like, are you fucking kidding me? Just keep doing what you're doing? I mean, it was just, and I have those two things on that's why I won't. It won't even go out of that fucking draw because I'm scared. They got to bury me with that. They got to bury me with that fucking thing.

I finally threw a phone away that it was the film of when Samurai was fucking mama to conceive. Super bad. I think you're kids cats. I walk out of my back to go to the comedy store one night. And Samurai, the cat that was fucking everybody, was back there. He had Mama pinned against the wall. She's, eh, eh, g. She's swatting at him.

He's fucking the shit out of it. And on deck is the black and white one who's Superbad's father. Uh-huh. So after he fucked, he ran away and Superbad's father jumped in that ass, knocked her up. That's why there's Lulu,

Uvi, and Superbad. The two of them are Siamese, because Superbad is black and white. But cats could get pregnant with different sperm. Really? I don't know. Yeah, you learn something really fucking dang.

So I have three from, I had four of his litter. That whole litter, I was responsible for those last four cats. But the one that got me interested in that litter was the most outlandish, craziest cat. If you saw him and didn't take him home, it was very, it was rough on your insides. He was the real deal. He was a simeys with the cover on his face. We had him chasing balls at five weeks.

He knew his name because he was like Demi, so he called him DJ, Demi Jr. And I throw the, in the morning what I do is pick the ball up and go, Dingin, think, and he fucking come flying. And I throw the ball, I give him sushi, I give him a can of tuna, and I was just prepping my wife to bring him up. My wife's like, you can't bring that guy out. I'm like, I got to find a perfect fucking person.

Yeah, who got out? Death. But his buddy was Superbad, so it was four of them in the family. So it was Superbad, DJ, Evie and Lulu. Lulu and Demi were Gumbaz. Evie and Superbad were Gumbas. So one hung out on one side of the fence and the other one hung up by the tomato patch.

It was fucking amazing. But the boys would play, Superbad and DJ. But Superbad would climb trees and go on the roof. And I would always go, DJ, don't follow him. He's no good. Fuck that dirty bitch. He's taking you to dark streets that you don't want to go on. This is my million.

You got to write a kid's book about this and do videos. Are you reading these stories about the cats to little kids. That's $100 million. At that time, I was 400 pounds. I was still snort and blow. And at that time, I was getting shocks in the back of my neck. At the end of the night, when I was coming down from the Coke, I would get an electrical shock at my spine.

I knew it was going to come over. And in my mind, I would get up, eat sushi, and my friend was teaching me Chi Gun. So I'm like, fuck these bitches. I'm not going to die. I'm doing Chi-Gung. So I would go out in my yard, and the cats would be out there. So I would be watching the cats. Well, I'd be out there, 400 pounds. my knee up doing Qigong and the movements and shit and balancing myself. So I watched them.

And I kept telling him, Terry, we got to bring up DJ. And she's like, if nobody takes him, we'll bring him up. And finally, she says his legs will up, which is a bad sign. We got to bring them up. By that time, we found the home for the two girls. The two girls were gone. Beautiful. We found the home for them. We brought DJ up. We left Superbad out there by himself. With Superbad got sick. So we brought them both up. They were both doing okay, but then DJ died. And that's the last night I did cocaine, the night that DJ died. And I kept super bad. Then three

days later, we got a call from the girl that the cats were attacking her cat. Those two girls... Evie and Lulu? Who were going to be killers. They had the same blood. I was thinking about Evie the other night. How? Evie is the only cat I don't want around the baby. Evie moves like a fucking snake.

Yeah, her and Lulu, that was the only ones who aren't that cool with me. They're not cool with nobody. They're very... But once they love you, like, I pick Lulu up and kiss her in the face and she goes, meow, ma'am, ma'am. And she meowsed me with her little voice. And Evie loves me. Evie's not even tight with my wife, but Evie loves her dad.

I woke up to Evie, and she gives me taps, and she smells me. The whole thing, and I pet her. And when I walk away from her, she swats at me. You have to watch how you walk back around her. She's a Sicilian. You know what I'm saying? Like, Sicilians, they always say, don't stand that arm range, because they could be carrying a knife, and they cut your leg.

You got to be careful with Sicilians and jacilians and Jersey, the ones down in the fucking south. Those Sicilians, they used to call them something, the Zips. Those motherfuckers would be talking to you about money or something, and all of a sudden you're like, yeah, fuck you. And they chop your leg, and now they got you. You hold on to your leg.

Oh, you cut me. By the time you said, tuck. You got 18 holes in here, and all Sicilians started stabbing, and they just walk away from you. You just fucking bleed out, nobody saw nothing. They said, fucking amazing. Well, that's how fast she is. She's that fast.

You have to watch her, bro. But she's the love of my life. Like, I pick her up. I gave her salmon this morning. She's cool as shit on me. So I got them back, and that's the story. I don't even know how we got on this fucking catsaw. What's wrong with you people?

You're making me all sentimental. What's up, Diagostino, Kajson? I love you, D.A. We got him contact high. Yeah. Well, we have the door open. If the door wasn't open, he would be. Oh, there's a lot of smoking here.

So what's going on, Lee? What do you got playing for the weekend? Tell me something good. Going to Vegas for a day and a half. then I'm coming back. When do you come back? Friday morning. And we got to figure out of

put testicle testaments on payloads. That's your next mission. $2 on payloads for the holiday season. A lot of people don't get, go on iTunes. So I'm saying this right now. Testicle Testaments will be on payloads pretty soon along. Do you want to just have it up

and then the CD comes out a few weeks? Do you want to just do that? Put it on payloads and we'll have that on CD. We'll put the CD on payloads and they'll be on iTunes too. That's how we fucking roll here. I'm headed to fucking St. Louis to the old rock house Thursday to 24th. first with one of the coolest Jews I know, Ari Safir.

I know he's going to show up with some story, how he left his shoe in Bangkok or that motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? He's going to show up with 800 posters, but there's only 300 people. Why don't I think there was 800 people? Because, who knows, Ari? And then the following week, I'm down in San Diego with Benjamin.

My man, Benji's going to be down there. You're coming down Saturday night. Yeah. Yeah, Costino's going to be down there. He's going to be the master's ceremony. He's one of the baddest motherfuckers in the might. I might even have to give an extra 10 to put a tuxedo on and sing some Italian songs for you know Mario Lonzi.

Mario Lonzi. You know what Italian songs? Somebody sent me, just because I love these guys, somebody sent me a message this morning and it was a hotmail with a breakdown. Did anybody happen to see this breakdown today? Well, it's your lucky day today, gentlemen, because you fit the bill. It's a non-union role. But it doesn't pay, they're planning a comedy tour

and they're about to go across the country. Have a drum roll? Let me find it. I can't believe you two Italians are here. It's your lucky day. A drum roll, please. Because this is opportunity. Oh, it's not long enough. Hold on.

This is an opportunity. This is as opportunity as I get for you, people. I can't believe you're sitting here and you're not mail on the package as we speak. Here we go. This is a minute long. I can't believe. Hit it.

Hit it. Hit it. Hit that. Hit that motherfucker. All right. Guess who's hiring? Guess who's looking for a co-host? Who?

Jimmy and Joey. Italian duo for the next comedy team. Somebody sent me an email going, this is your chance. Who's Jimmy and Joey? Exactly. Turn the fucking mic up before he ate you the head with a fucking microphone.

I have my hopes. I can't believe you guys should be running to the mailbox. On the way the mailbox, you should have one hand in the steering with the other on your fucking computer, typing up your resume, your headshot, a media package, anything you have, because you guys don't know what you're missing. You're on tour with Joey and Jimmy

on his Italian Midwest tour. He's doing a restaurant tour. It's all over. It starts right here, Versuchis, and Sherman Oaks, and it moves on to Carlucci's in Van Nuys. then Mamalione's in Burbank. And from there, it goes to Vinny's Italian Kitchen and organ store

down in Hollywood. Then from... Then it goes to fucking Jacobazo's fucking Kempo Academy down in Engelwood. You don't know if you? Who the fuck do you know? What kind of Italian are you?

I even know Jacobozzo. The fuck is wrong with people leave. I love you motherfuckers as usual, man. I'm happy you guys are still in the game. We had a great week with podcasts. I'd thank the guests for the fucking hour by man, Matt Steve Simone, who I see nothing but big things for.

And I don't blow smoke up, no. I just don't bring no fucking Johnny come lately on this fucking podcast into the fucking Lee Syed Hebrew Academy of Science and Podcast with no fucking. You got to show people with an envelope but don't fucking show it. Look at the Agastino showed up. We got tight security

here. We have Israeli weapons. They know Krab Maga. Even, Lee, what are you going to join Krav Maga? I was like, why don't you jump in crime, my God? You can jump through the air. Yeah, the day I jumped through the air will be, I don't know. Fucking go me stone, I don't know. You haven't even eaten the gummy beer.

No, I'm not going to have a gomy bag. You haven't been again on a fucking Wednesday, beautiful. I can't eat, I can't eat edibles every day you eat edibles. Why do you cry? I'm the only one in the world that you care. I love you to death. Eat the pieces just to make us happy. Just a little pea, half of the half of the day.

I'll eat a Monday. Why Monday? Because it's edible Mondays. It's edible every day. at the church or what's happening. No, I can't do that. Let me ask you something. When you go to church, when you go to Catholic

church, do they say to you, oh no, we don't give the cookie out today? The body of Christ comes every day. It's like fucking, it's like cancer. Cancer shows up seven days a week, okay? The body of Christ is giving seven fucking days

a week. This one's trying to say to you. How can you let me eat that? Because you love it. I don't love nothing. You're only thing I love is laying on my couch and some chicks sucking my ass so it's a ram rat.

That's what I think I thought. I fucking love. For every edible I eat, you have to eat one container of humus. No, with just your fingers. We eat Thomas. Just for my looted ears. Everyone does. I'm talking about you eat a little piece of fucking thing to loosen you up.

I'm loose. Look, you're not loose. I can sell the stress in your shoulders. I can see that your chakras are tight. You've got to be loose, dog. Because I have a panic attacks. Every time you make me to force. What fucking panic attacks?

What? Eat a little piece. No. Just a little piece of the gummy bear. You just like how to do it. You know every time you say no, people throw their earphones on this. I go, look at Lee.

He's hanging out with fucking Steve Simone, Diagostino, Matt Flavor, and he's turning down a piece of a gummy band on a Wednesday. Tell them to try to do it every day. I'm trying to build your tolerance up so you don't get hit like a fucking lightning bolt. My tolerance isn't going to go anywhere

because you still get them hooked up. No, take a little bite. It's Wednesday. Come on. The power of price compels you. The Exorcism is on a lesson like that. Eat a little piece or whatever and do two hits to this for your nose.

And you'll be fucking high for three. I'm not sharing your fucking. No, I'm blowing from here. This is Afrin mixed with T.H.C. water. Oh, God. Like that. Go ahead. You a little piece of fucking gooom.

Come on for the people at home. People get pissed off, and I get emails. They want to strangle you. I'm trying to save your life. I'm like Michael Jackson is 74. I'm trying to save your life. Doc sucker. Eat a little gloomy.

We are. We get the fuck out of you. It's a little piece. Forget fucking Monday might not come. Yes, it will. What happened if I die Sunday afternoon? Oh, Jesus. God forbid.

What would you say that? I don't know. I don't know. But this is how you. a painter for you because at the funeral I don't want you sitting there in a corner by yourself going I should eat that goomy that's the last goomy it was my fucking goombie and I didn't eat the last goombie that was the last time I went to Vegas I lost 800 I got fucked in the ass by some fucking piano player named Liberacee and I didn't eat the gummy

and all you inherit is the fucking computer eat the fucking gummi cock sucker don't piss me on oh here you go a little picture Ari right around Hanukkah who's just fucking bother me. Now they want to call me. All right. I love you, cocksucker. Stay black. The church of what's happening now.

Steve Simone, where are you at? I'm going to be with you next week. And where after that? Where are you at New Year? Then Caroline's with Renazizi. Look at you. What's the date there? That's like the week before Christmas.

You motherfuckers that came to Long Island last weekend, to governors, I love you at all my heart. Go support these guys in the city. You bad motherfuckers that came to Gotham to support me. Go support this fucking savage in the city. What date?

It's the 18th through the 23. 18 to the 23rd. Thank you very much. I know this was not your fucking ordinary podcast, but we ain't type of ordinary motherfuckers. You understand me? You want ordinary people, listen to the Osmond's. This is fucking the church of what's happening now,

division of debt squad, which means freedom, expression, you know, ain't nobody an artist here. We just do what the fuck we want to do. Stay black, right or wrong. Ain't nobody no fucking artist here. Ain't nobody posing with a hat with a feather. We're telling you some fucking bullshit story about how we went to India

and we met this fucking Zen master. Zen masters could suck my dick. The only Zen masters are we. We're here in L.A. every day walking this motherfucker knocking on doors, doing our sexual 2 in the morning. Everybody else is getting fucking fat, living it up, scared.

They can't even help two motherfuckers out. We've been in the game here. Tell them, two years since the tattoos. Brothers are wearing them tattoos. Now it's 95 and we're rocking like Liberace. Now they want to rob me. It's all good. From Diego to the Bay.

The city doesn't pop. The pity doesn't pay. Put that shit out. A little California love. Let's end the podcast with California love. Hulu Plus. Go to Hulu Plus. Press in.

Get two weeks for free. And $7.99 a month after that. That's a fucking deal. That's a bargain where I come from. Dollar Shave Club. I fucking love you. I'm about to go home. Dollar shave my face.

Fucking put that. I'm going to Charlie wipe my asshole. It's the holidays, bitch. And for, on it, I love you. The reason why I'm getting healthy every day is because of you people. And if you, these other, motherfuckers don't see it. Fuck you.

Go eat vitamin one a day and go eat yeast powder. And don't come crying to me when your fucking shit lumps up. You're over here. Running with mad flavor. Honor.com. Pressing the code name.

Church. What are you fucking nuts or what? Stopping. You got me so high. I forgot the name of the song. Where's the gloomy bed, cock sucker? Oh, me along.

For God's sakes. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial. Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of of it shows. Anytime, anywhere,

on your TVPC smartphone or tablet support this podcast and your extended free trial God damn it, Joey of Hulu Plus go to Joey Dias.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner and don't forget to sign up for Dollar Shaveclub.com. You'll get high quality

razors on to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash church or go to Joey Diaz.com and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. Hey, and remember, have a happy holidays next week and travel safe with your family. We love you here. the church what's happened now we care about you if you're traveling keep your

motherfucking eyes open watch everybody as you can tell it's not just one denomination everybody's shooting everybody watch white people black people Puerto Ricans watch them all keep your fucking eyes open stay off the phone stop giggling like a fucking asshole you don't want to get shot on Thanksgiving weekend ooh who shot that duck I love you cock suckers happy holidays hit it Lee you just know that front performance too man I don't want that one Oh my god, I know he did. I was sitting there.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. That's salmon. That's the whole fucking, that's the, I mean, yeah. Fucking, that's, I mean, yeah. Golly.

Oh. Whatly. Oh. Whatly? Oh, shit. Thank you very much, everybody. I love you. Stay black.