The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 11/21/2012 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #31

Episode Date: November 22, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving! Joey and Lee talk about a dream Joey had, Joey getting way too high, and Rodney Dangerfield. An amazing call from Alex, Joey's roommate in the halfway house makes for an amazing podcast. Visit Onnit.com and use the promo code CHURCH for a special discount Streamed live on 11/21/2012

Oh shit. Oh shit. That's what you get. That's what you get. Oh shit. I hope you took your fucking alpha brains today, Copsucker. It's Wednesday, November 21st. A beautiful fucking day to be alive here.

The church of what? Kigali! Oh shit. Stop. Oh shit. Oh, stop it. Don't belong to you. Oh shit.

Michael Lee Syatt, aka the flying fucking Jew, Joey Cocoa Diaz, the church of what's happening now, motherfuckers, today. I wasn't doing blow, I just didn't blow my nose. Sometimes, you know what I'm saying? You come out of the shower. You're all fucked up. It's a beautiful day to be a lot. Fat man alert, fat man alert. This is the day.

Today it starts. They're going to try fucking with you as a fat dude. Watch your points. Watch your back. You know, eat one cookie instead of 19. They're going to be food all over the place People are going to hand your sodas It's going to be like an orgy for fucking fat people

It starts today until January 2nd You wake up, you don't fit in your fucking Christmas clothes The pajamas, you're out of breath You huffling puffing Fuck it so it starts today What's happening, Lisa yet? You bad motherfucker you? Nothing, I feel great man It's a beautiful day. Lee walks and I've been up since 3 in the afternoon

No, I've been out since 3 in the afternoon He goes to the fucking dentist before work All of a sudden he wants to be Johnny fucking tooth, whatever, the ferry. No dentist I know is open at 5 a.m. Well, you gotta do it on an off day. You go to a dentist on Saturdays. What dentist is open on a Saturday? Talk to my wife, right down the

corner. They hook you up. You got to do Zask? All right. You think Jews don't work Saturdays? Things are bad all over. I know that. He only goes to Jewish fucking dentist, which I don't blame you. You know, it's fucking crazy to walk in there and see like some fucking guy with an afro working on your fucking teeth.

You're like, what happened here? I don't know what it was. Everyone on my insurance was Hindu. Like every day. Oh yeah. The Hindus are making a... I don't know. Let me tell you go to a hospital lately. God forbid. Knock on fucking wood. You walk in, I've said this a thousand times. You walk in as like three or four white people.

They're all happy. You know, the lady at the front is usually black. The one that checks are. Yeah, of course. Once you go upstairs. She's the one that's going to front of my face. Right. Well, no, not that one. Once you go upstairs, you've got four or five white people that are very nice. They sit you down. They do your paperwork. Once they send that little fucking Japanese.

chick, because that chick ain't white either. That chick's like Japanese or something. Once they send they're out to grab you and they walk you into the back, you've gone into the Third World Nation in the fucking hotel. I don't know if you realize that. Then we have white people on the front. Then you go on the back and a little Hindu comes and takes your blood out.

The Japanese guy puts your IV in. I mean, everybody, there's no white people left no more in the hospital. It's tremendous. I don't know what the fuck happened. I love it. Then you go into a trance. The doctor's white. You go into a trance. They fucking cut you open. Then you wake up and recover. You're wake up in recovery, that's when you're going to

Filipino and you think you're in a apocalypse now right now at that point. You got chickens running around the fucking emergency room. It's amazing. You wake up, they're all bowing the Marlon Brando. You never seen that apocalypse now? I have to be. Don't fuck with me, Lee. Not today. It's Wednesday.

The day before Thanksgiving and shit. I've seen both versions. Which one you've seen? The original and the Redux. Yeah, I saw both. What's it done between the Redux? It's just, it's like 40 minutes longer. And what's the scene that they added? They didn't take out. I don't remember.

You're slipping, cock sucker. What is it? The scene when they hook up with the French, I think, and they go to dinner. Okay. Or a bunch of friends. Who gives a fuck?

You know what? Whenever I watch it sometimes, I don't like that part anyway. That's how it comes on AMC. Okay. It comes on with the Redux. My wife likes that version, too. I get careless.

I rather. You know, three hours is enough. You got an extra 40 fucking minutes. Yeah. Three hours is enough. Oh, shit. I got a fucking lollipop here. Butters got my day off.

I got nothing. This is, I don't even know. the fuck these are. I went over to the weed store yesterday because yesterday at divine wellness, you know, like I told you, divine wellness, don't fuck around when it comes to animals. And Tuesday is my edible day. It's our acupuncture. I walked to the Y. Okay. I threw some weights around for about now. I came home. I had tuna and fucking lettuce. And then I went to acupuncture on the way back. I went over to, uh, I had to go give some clothes. I cleaned out my closet yesterday. Only the first half, you know.

and I took it over to the benefit people from New Jersey. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, you know, you could only help so much. My friend said that there's a place you sent it to, so I went over to UPS. And that's probably a good way to do it because they can't take money out of your clothes. Unless you leave fucking 2000 in there.

You know, and I was a kid, I left fucking a bag of tieweed in a suit when I left the Bender's house. Years later, he was like, you left a bag of weed in there that stunk so far. Can you imagine you're broke? You go over to the fucking whatever places. you buy a jacket,

you put your hand in there as a fucking ounce of weed, a Coke rock, and $1,000, you're on your way. That guy, the liquor store would have appreciated that the other day. Which guy? The guy that came up to us the other day after the podcast? Oh, fuck. There's people always coming up to you. But it's so crazy how you go to fucking, you know,

I'm trying to send this shit to fucking Jersey. I shoot over to the weed store, and from 4 to 7 at Divine Wellness yesterday, they had anti-Dolores. Anti-Dolores is a brand. Like bang chocolate's a brand for Reefa for the hash. Ante Dolores is another brand. And they're not bad.

As a matter of fact, Ari eats a lot of anti-Dolores stuff in Hollywood. They have regular little brownies, and then they have a brownie that's, I think, 112 milligrams of brownie bite. And it fucks you up. And then they have a cookie that tastes like it tastes the worst edible I've ever eaten. But it's like it was rated the highest edible last year by one of the magazines. magazines and it's 300. I don't even fucking know. I bought it for 20 bucks and tried to eat it on a plane.

And it tasted so fucking bad. I kept pressing that button, Bamb thing to get the stewardess to come over and give me like 19 fucking cans of soda and water. I can't do the edibles with you sometimes. Oh, you're going to do one today? I'm shoving a fucking lollip. Let's do it tomorrow. Tomorrow?

Tomorrow never comes, cock sucker. But I can't do the taste yet. I always have to have a drink with it. I can't. That's why I want to try the pills or something because I don't know. what it is, but the weed taste. They got the pills. They got the little pills. Do you like them? They're strong. They're little capsules. They look like

a vitamin E pill, guys. Like the ones you put a needle in and rub on your face. Like that. So they have those. But I went over there, Henty Dolores was there. She was giving away free samples, dogs. She gave me some fucking caramel, corn, popcorn. She gave me a fucking mint chocolate

chip brownie. You know, weight watches, when I go to the Weight Watchers meetings, the best thing about Weight Watches meeting, they have those low point chocolates which are delicious. They're stuffed with that cancer sugar. And, and, uh, and, uh, what the fuck was I saying? I got high there. They gave you free samples.

They give me, I'm still recovering from West. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait watches, right. They give you these mint chocolate chips. You buy the whole box like two points a piece. I can eat the whole box where I met white watches. Of course. You eat the whole fucking box.

They're delicious. But that tasted like that. They had this popcorn leave that was off the chain. So I called Ari and I go, Ari, go to divine wellness. Because from four to six. you could talk to the Auntie Dolores girl and she's giving away free samples and they gave me a bag of free fucking samples.

Like, you know, when you go to Costco and they give you the cups and shit. Yeah? So she gave me two cups of popcorn, two little mint things. Plus, I bought a 160 lollipop and a 200 milligram thing. So I inhaled a 200 milligram thing. I inhaled a lollipop and I ate all the fucking free samples.

I love to spoil fucking sons of anarchy. The problem is I don't remember it. You know what I'm saying? I'm surprised you're awake. Oh, no, no, I went to bed. I went out. You know me, I wrote a few jokes. I went over to the ha-ha.

I worked out a little bit. I walked under the quarter of 12. I came home. I had a fucking glass of juice. After eating all that, you still did everything for your night. What do you think you're dealing with? Some novice? What the fuck do you think you're dealing with, bro?

300 milligrams of T.H.C. A dick. I'm not. Are you sure you did that? I think you just sat on your couch and you dropped it. I swear to God, though. You don't be better than that. You don't know what fuck.

This is all at 415, 420, 430. This all went down. I was eating the popcorn. You had it all at once? You know me? I ain't got time. What am I a fucking hermit? I'm going to save a fucking little cookie for later.

You know those people, they save a thing. They're all creepy and shit. I got a cookie for later. I don't give a fuck. What are you got for later? I'm mad flavor. Sons of anarchy's coming out at 7 o'clock. I am a fucking soldier.

I got to, you know what I'm saying? I got to do this shit, Lee. I ain't got no time to fuck around. I want to write some comedy. I want to go out. I want to get loose. Sometimes you get too. You can't get loose like the day at the YMCA.

That happens. I'm going to sit here and tell you that shit don't happen. It happens. We all have fucking accidents. You know, how many times are you going to go to church or something? And there's a fucking bong. You want to do a bong hit just to loosen up before church. You do that fucking bong hit.

And you don't finish it. And you're sitting around the room. You're like, what am I, fucking half a fag? You have to finish that bong hit. You hit again. Then you go to church. By the time you get to church, you're like, I'm pretty fucked up here. I can't even go in.

You've got to walk after everybody else goes in. You're trying to hide from the fucking kids. Sometimes you get too high by mistake. Last night I got a little fucking high by mistake. I didn't remember Sonsaherty. I remember they cornered whatever. They beat up juicy. That's it.

I don't remember. I blacked out. I hung out with my wife. I don't know what the fuck we talked about. She started to sleep about night. I was trying to write some jokes. That's when I called you. And we were talking about the board here on the wall and we'll get to that.

And I called you. When I called you, I was out. I called you at 10.05. Yeah, exactly. I did fine. Yeah, I'm a perfectly. Who do you think you're dealing with? Some fucking novice, one of these kids with sandals on,

a backpack with a high times tattoo on my chest, trying to fucking impress these other momos. Look at me, I never bought high times in my life. I'm the real fucking deal. And you people, too, get it together. You don't have to show people that you get high. You just be in your fucking zone. Nobody needs to know you got a beard

and your little T.HC shirt. Look at me, you fucking Momo. You know, you don't have to show. Like I tell you got pulled out by a cop yesterday. No, you didn't. Fuck, yeah. For what? Doing 90 on Burbank Boulevard.

I went around the fucking cop, dog. On the right-hand lane. Edgar, Gonzalez, one of my good buddies. It was his birthday yesterday. I had to hear Burbank. I was talking on one of Eddie students on the phone. And there's a line from here to Chicago. You want me to sit there and just take it?

I popped into that right lane. And as I'm going, I'm like, oh, fuck this. The cop. He didn't see me. Sure enough. He's on my tail. Sure enough. He's out my fucking tail.

I pull over. He pulls me over. I put my hands out. I don't know I don't have a weapon. I don't want to get shot by one of these fucking Yahoo's. You put your hands out? Sure, I always do. So there's no misunderstanding.

I got no weapon on me. He came over. He goes, what's the rush? I go, Doug, I got to go to fucking acupuncture. And you're sitting, you know, you got me there on a pay-no-mind list on this fucking line. And he goes, give me your license. He looked at the license.

He looked at the back of the car. He looked at my face. He looked at my eyes. I got a doctor guy. And he goes, here. You got an insurance. I just went for reach with it. He goes, don't worry about it.

He goes, I'm going to give you a warning this time. If he would have pulled me over and I would have had a swat sticker on my forehead and the car would have smelled like reef and my eyes would have been red. We would have a fucking problem. But because, you know what I'm saying? You got to have presentable. I'm just trying to help you motherfuckers out. When you leave your house, you put vizene in your fucking eyes.

You wash your hands, you wash your face. You don't want to smell like fucking reef. You don't want to get them the illusion. You know, I don't have reefer in my car. When I leave the house, I don't bring reefer with me. What the fuck am I going on these rebates? What am I? What am I fucking going on a mission from Satan?

I'm going on a mission like, what's the chick yesterday? Ladies and gentlemen, I got to tell you something. The church, we're going to stop watching fucking the news pretty soon. I mean, we're going to have to stop watching the news. What happened? It is becoming like TMZ. That's all. You know, Hillary Clinton went to Israel yesterday.

That's all. She went to Israel to talk to somebody. Oh, no, no, no, no. She's on a mission to Israel. to put peace a month. There's a two male dominant.

They don't give a fuck. They'll pick up Hillary Clinton and shoot a skyrocket up a fucking asshole and launch it right back to wherever the fuck she lives to fucking Mississippi with her husband,

whatever the fuck. Are you fucking kidding me? They put her on a mission. Listen, she ain't no fucking James Bond. She's going to go over there with that ugly fucking horse face. Did you see it? That's why they got her in the back.

She had the ponytail with the head coming out of it. What the fuck? She's not on no mission to Israel to to talk to them into peace. Are you fucking kidding me? Those fucking Jews

and those desert people they've been going out for 2,000 fucking years, 3,000 years. Am I lying to Ely? And this broad is going to go over there. Let me tell you some, you could send over fucking Jenny McCartney

with an asshole stretched out with a ready to suck dick for fucking 20 years. She can't stop the war over there in Gaza, wherever the fuck there. You understand me? You're going to send that Halloween fucking project Clinton's wife

to fucking over there to do what? Scare him? They start to do. throwing rocks at that fucking bitch. You ain't stopping those motherfuckers for days. You understand me? But they're sent her on a mission. James Bond goes on mission. Mexicans, when they go down to Mexico

to get 50 pounds of cocaine, that's a fucking mission. You know what I'm saying? Oh shit. I'm feeling it today. I'm on fire like Madonna's ass. It's Thanksgiving tomorrow, people. I'm fucking happy you guys are all getting together. What are you laughing about? You fuck. I've never seen you get so worked up over

a mission. Oh my God, because it's not a mission. They just sent her over there and talked to two people to make it look like the Obama administration is doing something. We all know a woman's not going to fucking stop the war. I got nothing against women. I got nothing. I don't want to get letters next week. Breast cancer.

They're going to throw rocks at me and shit. I don't need that shit. What I'm trying to say is Hillary Clinton is not going over there to stop a fucking, you know what I'm saying? You got to go over there with an envelope. You want to stop that war? You got to give those sand people, a couple envelopes. You got to take those Jews and sit them down.

Give them some properties in fucking Long Island. You know, give them a yarmica. Something. You got to give these people something. but you're not going to stop them. You want to stop war, you've got to give me a little heroin looking. From now I'm not going to have this problem no more, all right?

You fucking desert people get your shit together. You're going to bring Hillary Clinton over here to do what with that rotten fucking pussy. Anyway, I'm sorry about that today, people. My little political thing, I'm getting fired up. I'm still getting flashbacks from that anti-fucking whatever last night. I got high last night, dog. I guess so, Jesus.

And you know what? I'm going to get fucked up today, too. Because I got nothing. I'm going to go to the Y. I got to go to the haircut. and I got to go with my wife for the doctor, that's it. That's my fucking day. But I will do one thing with you guys, and this is all on the truth.

You know, Mike Doche called here at the day. And every time I call to Mike Doce, I get more and more, you know, like, into this, because I don't want to let them down. So we're all going to fucking get on the health and fitness wagon. We're all going to send each other fucking twits and talk about what's going on our lives. You know, we all need some fucking improvement. So do I. I'm a fat fuck.

I'm going to walk every. I'm going to walk everywhere from now and on. You know, when I moved up, I used to walk everywhere. And that little walking was keeping me alive. It really was. I believe it. They say 10 minutes will walk. 10 minute walk three times a day, you fucking, it changes your life.

That's what fucking Harvard said. That's the best part about living in a big city, like Boston or New York or a place like that. What, you go walk and get mugged? No, not that you can get mugged, but it's, it's, uh, I've noticed a difference out here that even when I've, I've been big my entire life. But when I was there, it was kind of kept, at a minimum because I was walking 10, 15, 20 minutes every day, twice, three times a day to the train, or just, oh, it's only a mile away.

I'm not going to wait for a train. I'll just walk there. Get the fuck out of it. It's a mile. I'm going to walk. Last time you walked a mile, you were a boy scott. No, fucking Boston. You walked up the hill and made the fucking Tz cock suck.

Stabbed in the neck. Stabbed in the neck, you little cock suck. I'm going to give a shout out today to my special fucking Thanksgiving people. My main man, Buffalo Frank, Anthony Porio, Jeffrey Jamizzi. David McPherson, Justin, Claude Hill, I love you, Cocksucker. You and... Oh, Justin's a cool guy. Justin's a cool guy.

Slay brought you're okay, Cucksucker, but I'm not putting on that album you wanted me to put on. Dan Barrow, the author, Trevor Burrows. My man, my favorite black dude since, you know, Leroy, neckbone. Happy Thanksgiving to you, sexy black motherfucker. And Forrest Sills, another sexy fucking white dude. And don't forget, on it, it's fucking... I'm hooking this up now. Again, you want to get healthy.

You want to lose a little fucking weight. Get the protein. Hemp power, hemp force protein. You got like 92 grams of fiber in there, so as soon as you're drinking, you start shitting blood. You also got the protein in there, 16 grams. If you're fucking depressed, you're not in a good mood. A little shroom tech.

And I got the new mood, which I gave Lee. You've been taking it for three days. How are you feeling, Lee, so far? It takes a couple days together. No, I'm feeling great. Really? You've been doing jumping, Jackson? And then what I don't feel that great.

What I put you on for sure is this. Because this thing has been helping the shit out of me. Like I said, I've been walking more. When you're heavy, they tell you you got to walk. You got to move around. But for two days, you're sore. Your joints are hurting. Your fucking asshole hurts.

Your legs hurt. That's why, because this has the whole glosamine, triptophan, the whole fucking deal. I got all the chemicals in my head. I can't remember them right now. I eat a lollipop and many other things. What you do is go to on it when you order this stuff. And they have, like, mix and match packages.

Did you know that? No, you get the protein. You get that. They have a bunch of different packages. go, look, you're going to make a fucking, you're going to start getting your notebook, you're going to write your goals, you're going to eat through 20, 30 pounds, we'll do this shit together. Me and me,

going to start taking pictures. I'm going to put pictures up, me whacking off with a fucking bandana on, the whole fucking thing. And then I thought you could see the weight development. You know what, I put on some weight, but I've lost some weight. I got on the scale yesterday, acupuncture, and I actually lost two pounds. I'm just put out, I'm lifting some

fucking weights. I'm trying to get strong. You know, I want to live for my baby girl. That's the last thing I want to do. You know, the other day I was petting my cats. And I'm like, what would I fucking do without these animals? But I did get, what time you got Lee? 625. Oh shit. We got a good guest today. This

guy contacted me after 26 years to say hello. He was my roommate at the halfway house. His name is Alex. Holy shit. And we had this roommate that looked just like Ed Norton from the Honeymoors. He was a little older than us at the time.

We were 20-something. This guy was 40 and one night we wanted him to leave. He had the bottom bunk. He had a single room or bottom bunk so we were trying to get him to leave so our beds would go down. So I loosened my mattress and I jumped on the bed and we fell on top of him. And then I took the pack of cigarettes that he had and I put those things in that make him explode. No you didn't. Yes I did. Me and Alex packed them in like three and each cigarette. So when the bed landed on him, he gets up all upset and he goes into the limium to light the cigarette is darker than shit.

He lights the cigarette and you actually see the light against the wall and he just sat there with the cigarette in his mouth and the next day we got in and Jesus Lee, you got to stop eating that pussy at those pubic hairs in your throat. But last night this is what did. I was in here

writing and I was trying to put together a testicle test and we're not doing it in November and they all for the December 19th and I was trying to put a testicle test, test one trying to do is put them all five of them together. And I was thinking about all this shit in my life that going to prison, all the criminal shit I did. And I'm looking at this thing. I forget what her name is.

I gave us some pictures last year. I don't have a lot of pictures. I don't have any pictures of my mother and father or anything like that. But I got pictures over the years from my friends, like from Carmine Bousano. And there's a picture of me as a kid dancing that everybody's seen. There's a picture of me with a hat on and I'm on Montauk at the time. Carmine Bousano had a house in Montauk, Long Island, and I slept over there one night.

There's just a picture of me, and I could... And I was pretty stone last night, and I got up, and I was looking at the face. You know, I was looking at my face, and I was like, boy, I've been an ugly kid all my fucking life, right? No, I was looking at the face, and I'm thinking to myself, you know, I was 13 in that picture.

That was before, you know, anything bad happened in my life. But at that time, I had lost Anthony Bousanano, but I'm talking about that. I hadn't lost my mother, or any of my friends, Dominique Special, or anything like that. And I'm looking at that. I'm like,

what if I just woke up tomorrow, man? And this never really happened. What if I woke up tomorrow and I was still 13 and it was just a long dream? Like, I forgot to put the air conditioner on that night and slept long. You know, sometimes you fall asleep under the blanket and you wake up and you're sweaty.

Like, what if I woke up because I was sweaty and the last 35 years have just been a fucking dream? And I'm sick. sitting there and I'm thinking about my wife I'm thinking about Lee Lee Leel. I go to get my cell phone, there's no cell phone, you know, there's no computer, there's no Twitter, there's no Facebook, what if, what if? Have you thought about this before or you just looked up? Never in my life if I thought about this and it was like and you wake up and I think about my wife and I think about my cats and I think about Joe Rogan and I think about Duncan

and there were just a figment of my fucking imagination you know but I got to make a call not, but I also, at the other hand, I wake up and my mother's cooking breakfast. So I don't lose my mother. You know, I have my mother. I was thinking about this last night. What would I have chosen? What would I do?

You know, if I woke up, would I run downstairs and kiss her and tell her about the terrible dream I had, or tell her about the fucking dream I had, that I had a dream. I had a stand-up comedian. I had a Jew friend that fucking flew through the air, and had a wife, and it kind. You know, it's just been a...

an amazing thing. And it just blew my fucking mind last night. It really blew my fucking mind. Like, would I choose to go back to sleep, back to the dream? Or would I choose to stay at my mother after all these years? And I've always said that when you lose somebody that close in your life, you move on. But it's like everything you eat, it's like eating food with no salt on it. When we made the documentary, I talked about that, you know, and I still feel like that today.

I've had great times. If you get married and you don't have a mother. you go to the wedding, it's a great wedding, but my mom is missing. I wanted to meet my wife, you know, so it's been like that. That's what I was just thinking about. That's what I was freaking out last night. Yeah. If I got anything from that fucking that popcorn and Anthony Dolores was I was writing

and I went into that place. And it really made me think about it. This was all a fucking dream, you know, if this all our lives, a fucking dream, man. I've thought about that before. My life has been like one billion times easier than yours, but I've thought about that and I wouldn't like go like go through school again

like that's, I thought about that a lot when I go through school again and do it indifferently and I would never go back and do that but you don't want to go back to college? I mean even earlier like high school or middle school

fucking I've thought about that a lot so when you called and talked to me about that I started thinking about it and like for me if I lost my mom I would think oh I would want to go back but then you've also had fucking really hard time

too. So you get to see your mom, but in all likelihood you wouldn't be able to save her. Right? Probably. No, no, no. She's alive. She's fucking alive. You're not even thinking. You're just thinking oh, she's alive. Yeah, I wake up from my fucking dream, but I don't have Terry. I don't have my cats.

I never met Joe Rogan. I never did the longest yard. I never did nothing. I never went to prison. I never knew the benders. This was all a dream. I used to read Word Up magazine. Go some fucking tank crack commandments on these motherfuckers. something throw some music on him you're killing me illy spin this shit you know

I'm saying this is how you should have had this prepared here we go oh shit a little biggie from this the 10 crack commandments what oh I had a pair oh shit it's time for a lollipop I got a butterscotch this is last out he's like 25 years old 23s old how the fuck you make the next time you got done his do listen to the sound two sides oh shit a big motherfucking lollipop

120 milligrams of pure fucking mind bending TAC what for you to get your game on track not your wig push back room number uno

for the audio listeners he just took the entire thing and bit half of it off wha ha ha ha ha shit but it's really green you know you're gonna have a bad day when you eat a fucking green lollipop oh oh shit

hem for go right there omnis right now as you check out press fucking church in the box and get a little discount for yourself and a little email from uncle joey or something all right oh hey let me let me see you dance do you do a wigger for uncle joey what it's wednesday motherfucker. Take the stick out of here. Tomorrow it's Thanksgiving, baby, get to see our family, hang out, smoking dope with grandpa, what?

Uh, uh, uh, What else, Lee? Talk to me. Tell me something good to the Coxuck, and you're sitting there, like a Momo and Heat. Talk to you know, Momo and Heat? No, I just feel, fucking, I feel great. It's, it's important, the whole family thing's important. I've been talking, and, I'm going

home in December, and my mom is really excited. I'm going home for a week, and it's here, like, when you say you wish you could, you were thinking about the dream, and if you could talk to your mom again, just the holidays make me think about family, and especially being so far away. It's, uh, it's, uh, I'm excited to go back. What about your dad?

You're going to see that fucking little cocksucker? Yeah, he's, uh, Dick Syatt, who loves you? He's, uh, he's coming out for a 60th birthday in February. When is his birthday? February 18. And mine's the 19th. Or maybe he's, I think, no, it is 18th.

18th or 19th. I'm almost positive. No, it's 18th. Get it together with you. Here's your father. Let's say some chick you met out fucking a bingo room. You don't know. I knew the fucking date, asshole.

It's 18th. What do you like, come on with? There's three fucking games that want you to think about. That's what you should be thinking about. Patriots. Who are they playing? The Jets? Who else?

Dallas, who else? Dallas and someone tweeted us. I think it's Dallas and Washington. All right, and there's another game, too. Detroit and who else? Let me look. The Texans, I think, right? Somebody's fucking crazy.

No. somebody crazy. We're going to have one lock for you tomorrow to make fucking Thanksgiving money. And now, guess what? I'm going to eat the other half. Who the fuck eats? A T.HC. 120 milligram.

Bother Scott's Lollipop for breakfast. Someone who's crazy. Not even Mike Docher eats one of these fucking things. He must be jumping up and down, pulling his ass out of his head. All right. Let's see who is fucking playing. Houston and Detroit. So you were right? That's what I told you.

Wait. We're on the phone the other day, and we're going over the picks from Sunday. Okay. Tell these people the truth. We're going over the picks from Sunday. We're giggling about New England, like we usually do and whatever. And I say, isn't this a bit that they're already raping motherfuckers this weekend? Yeah, people are a bunch of upsets.

And I say, they're not even waiting. And I go on Thursday, on the back of my mind, I just took a lucky guess. I know there's two games on a Wednesday for Thanksgiving. But I said, these cocks suckers are going to add an extra college game. Sure enough, I look in the thing without even knowing, and there is three pro games. And I said, they're going to be greedy and suck to their life out of you people. So you poor motherfuckers, they're going to rape you people on Thursday. And it's funny because you would think that Houston's going to beat Detroit.

You would think that Dallas is going to beat Washington, and you would think New England's going to beat the Jets. Probably two of them are going to be upsets. But they always say Dallas on Thanksgiving. Dallas and Detroit are usually Dallas always covers on Thanksgiving Oh, okay That's the word on the street

That's what You know, it's like home team Underdog on a Monday night Okay You know what I'm saying Get it together, Lee Cocksucker You're supposed to know this shit You're supposed to be the flying you

I'm learning from you I'm part of the church too I shouldn't be eating on camera stuff But the lollipop's been sitting there You know what I'm saying It's been sitting there staring me down Calling me out You've been called out by a fucking lollipop

You know we're lucky you made it 35 minutes before you had it. I'm high as fuck already. I was smoking the vapor thing. You know, I don't care. I only got a couple hours to sleep last night. Yeah, if you got home at midnight or something, or you went to the ha-ha at midnight, something like that?

No, I went to the Ha-ha 10. I hung out. I went up at 11. I got home like quarter of 12. I came home. I talked to my wife for a couple minutes. I fucking... I wouldn't smoke a dope or nothing.

I just wrote. I wanted a kev of the jokes. You know what's really hard. Joe Rogan always talks about the writing process. You don't focus on it. Like sometimes I just don't focus on it. I've been doing it for so long. I go out, write something, try it, get a thought,

throw it away, not try it. Lately because of the December 21st show and the fucking, I want to tape a special. My man Lee Syatt is one of the producers, looking them all happy. I've been paying attention to it. It's just a really weird. Sometimes you write something, you're high,

and you get excited about it, and you go out and you say it, you bomb. It's like somebody took your lunchbox, you know? It's like I bombed a thousand times when you work on a joke on it bombs and you go out and try it. And it don't work your fucking little fat heart breaks, you know what I'm saying? That must be a weird. It always blows my mind because I'd be scared, first of all, just to be on stage.

But to write a joke for a crowd when you're sitting by yourself with headphones on, it doesn't really make sense. Like, I don't know. I've always heard the term writing on stage. I don't know really what it mean. Yeah, that's all. technically what it means, but I can't imagine, like, it doesn't seem like it would work, like sitting, like writing home, doing homework, and then going to stage, like it doesn't seem like it would mix, but people do it, so it obviously works, but...

There's a good combination, then, because you're sitting by yourself, you're thinking about something, but now when you're in front of the stage, like putting a gun to your fucking head, now you've got to think of something. So it's really weird how differently you work with a gun to your fucking head. That's all it is. When you work, if you have a concept and you take it up there and you go on the stage and you're 200 people in the audience that's 400 eyeballs you're in front of i mean basically you'll you'll come up with something motherfucker no is that is that what you think the differences between a regular like not a regular person but a person who doesn't do stand up and i stand up because everyone i mean for me i've been in my car like driving oh and oh i think

this would be funny on stand-up but i'm not a stand-up do you think like the only difference is like you well there's more to being there's more than a funny joke once you it's like my When people come up to you and go, hey, I'm going to try this joke on you. I always say no, because I want you to try it in front of me when you got a gun to your head. On stage, it's a lot different than when you say a joke. When you read a joke on Twitter, and when you say a joke on stage, it's two different things. The reason why it works with me sometimes I say disgusting jokes, and people say the jokes in my voice. So it makes it.

You follow them saying to you? Yeah. You ever read something? Very seldom do you read something that's that brilliant that it fucking cracks you up? But I do. I read a ton of shit that makes me laugh. But sometimes you read a joke that's very funny and it's funnier on stage.

You'll see he puts a fucking daint to it. He blinks his eye. You know, he's letting the audience know he's telling the joke. It's like when you see Rodney in the old days. Whenever he touched his tie, that means he was saying a joke. Really? Yeah.

Watch his fucking joke. You know, it's so weird that, listen, man, I heard Pryor first. And then I got into George Carlin for a while. And then I saw Caddyshack. And my fucking head almost exploded. Okay, when the first time you saw Caddyshack, you didn't know what the fuck happened.

That is one of my all-time favorite movies. And it's great because of Bill Murray. And now they always have, have you ever seen the making of Caddyshack on AMC? No. They have all, when the fucking studios had to send people down there, tell them to stop doing blow.

You know, I mean, these stories are just, you know, This is Harold Ramis. This is Harold Ramis. This is what I tell you, dog. One of the best days of my life was when I did analyze that. Even if the movie sucked, I wasn't in the movie because I knew it was going to be Academy Award. I just wanted to be around Harold Ramis. I just wanted to touch him, dog.

Because what he did to me, for me as a kid, he gave me fucking hope. You know, when I saw Caddy Shack, I nearly fucking died, guy. And when I saw Rodney Dangerfield, I nearly. fucking died the first time. My head almost exploded. I still remember, you know, counting down the days. I've only counted down the days to a few movies.

What's the one with Jody Foster and Hannibal Lector? Silence of the Lambs. I went to that movie at 5 to 1. That movie, the first, there was no midnight movies in those days. Had you read the book? Yeah, there was no standing online with a fucking wheelchair and, you know, dreaming

about X-Man or something. This was, you know, I was waiting for this shit. I had seen Manhunter, which is a Michael Mann movie. I haven't even heard of that. Man Hunter is a movie that he made with, if you like The Thief, remember we had the Thee? Same Company, same director. Manhunter, even kind of the same people, was the same casting. It was the guy from CSI.

Okay. My CSI, Las Vegas, William Peterson, and now he's the cop. And the guy that played Hannibal Lecter was different. He had greasy hair on the way back. Great movie. I got nothing against. Then they remade. the movie. I forget what it's called.

But the first Manhunter was the first thing the Hannibal Lecter. And then he came back with, you know, they got Jody Foster. I was fucking ready. I mean, I woke up at 8 in the morning that morning. I knew I was going

to see Silence of the Lamps. Oh, Jesus. You know, when I went to see Scarface, I didn't know about Scarface. I got off a plane. I was never prepped. But one movie I was prepped for. It was a movie called Easy Money. That came out in the summer of 83 or 84 or whatever the fuck it came out. And I can't, I never believed, like, we took beers in that.

We took a bunch of fucking beers in that, but I remember, like, the first line of the movie in beers cracking, like, you could hear the fucking beers cracking. Everybody was drinking beers. And Rodney came on it. You never seen Easy Money? Oh, yeah. We watched it. Rodney, Joe Pesci.

And I watched that. My fucking head exploded. No, where in that, how, has Rodney been out for a while when that came out? No. Okay. No, no, no. Rodney hadn't been out. This was, this was all.

People were waiting. People were waiting for easy money. And also he pops up with this Joe Pesci and the girl that played in the other movie I like. She plays the daughter and the Mexican kid. He's not Mexican. I said the Spanish kid. I see at the comedy store. He was also in the movie with Bruce Willis about the football.

and all that shit when I saw that easy money the first time. Julio, when I saw that movie, I nearly fucking died. And I remember being in a movie theater with a thousand other kids that were 22. And when watching this old man, because at that time, he was 50, he just goes off on easy money. And, you know, I became a fan of his. And then when I wanted to get into stand-up comedy, you know, I watched some of his tapes. But the tape that really sent me over the top was the Rodney Dangerfield Young Comedian Specials that I've always taught. spoken about you've got Bill Hicks on there and you've got Andrew Dice Clay on there

you got Roseette on there you know he was just such a good guy and then one day you know I was on Sunset Boulevard and I'm waiting by the Laugh Factory and I'm looking around like a fucking momo and I'm thinking about how I need something to change in my life for me to get ahead in my life that I was booking little movies and shit but I really wasn't getting a bite on it and the next thing you know I fucking call up uh I'm sitting there and I look up and the phone rings, or my page it goes off and I pull over, and it's this casting director, it's my agent.

He goes, listen, they want to see you for this Rodney Dangerfield movie. It was just amazing. I couldn't believe. I was just sitting there going at this light going, why? That would be amazing if I needed somebody to help me, and it would be nice if Rodney helped me. And here I'm going in for his fucking movie, and I go to the audition, and he's right fucking there.

What movie is this? This is called Back by Midnight. Okay It was one of almost like The two, three last movies He was going to make So The next thing you know

No, I read And the next thing They tell me is that The part is given away The roll was given away But they called back And they go, no, he doesn't care He's going to write a roll for you

Come on down there and just do it That's amazing You're going to call me, brother? Yeah, it's 940 It's 840, it's 5 now It's 645 My time so just give me a call, bro.

All right, bro, I'll be here, wait. So, uh... And it's funny, because we had, for people who don't know, we had kind of, like, pilot sessions of the podcast, like, months ago, like, when you would show me, like, the Arrowsmith albums, and then the other thing you showed me was that Rodney special, and we were just sitting, we watched, like, the whole thing, and I was, like, standing behind you,

and you had, like, tears in your eyes, and it was just... That was a great special. It fucking changed me, yeah. I mean, it just, you know, he had, he had, uh, he had, uh, he had, uh, you know, Bill Hicks, he had Rodney Day, he had Dom Herrera, he had Jerry Seinfeld, he had Rosanne, he had, I mean, he had all these people. I mean, the reason why I do comedy today is because watching Lenny Clark on those tapes. And then again, watching fucking Andrew Dice Clay follows Bill Hicks, which is fucking amazing. You just sit there and you're blown the fuck away on how, so that's how I learned to do comedy.

So for me to be driving on Sunset one day and going, wow. I need somebody to touch me And also I'm going in on a Rodney movie And I go into this fucking audition And there he is in the room I'm shitting my fucking pants All these comments I've always seen And I never seen Rodley Dangerfield in person

And I'm fucking sitting there And it's Rodney And also when I go in the room And I shake his hand I'm not trying to be cute I'm not trying to do nothing I'm just trying to be funny But in a contained way

And I read and he laughs And everybody in the room laps And I leave And they're like no You didn't get the movie But he put him chin to this movie. He wants you to show up. You didn't know about this. No. I remember this girl.

So every day the trailer is on YouTube. It's called Back by Midnight. Okay. So I would go in there every day and he would fucking, they say, go knock on Rodney's door. And I would walk over and knock on his door and he would open up the door with a robe on with his balls hanging out and shit, smoking a joint. He was old and shit. He would open up the door and go, what? You know, what? And he go, oh, it's you, Joey. Come on in. There you go. My socio, come on there. How much, I'm sorry, Joey.

You know me, brother. This is my old, old, good, good friend, Alex, who, uh... Alex, how long I know you, Papa? Oh, what, about 20 years? Yeah, since B.C. T.C. and shit. For you, people, don't know. B.C.T.C. is the halfway house. I ended up in after my little stint in Canyon City, and when you go in there, they have seven-man rooms.

And then after a while, you graduate to three-man rooms. And Alex was one of my roommates with a guy that, looked like Ed Norton, right? Yeah. We used to fucking torture him. It was funny that, you know, it was a halfway house, Alex, but it was like we were running it at the time. Remember?

We had an air conditioner in our room, and it didn't work. So when I had Alex look out, and I went downstairs and stole the air conditioner out of the conference room and put it in our room and put our shitty air conditioner into their thing, and they never even knew. We used to order Chinese food in there. We used to have a good time.

Alex, what did you do for? work when you were in there? I was working at a freaking mail place, man. Neodata. That's right. Neodata. And everybody used to work there from BCTC, right?

Everybody. That was like a freaking, that's what they hired all the entire time, but. That was fucking crazy. What do you remember the most of that place, man? You know, it was supposed to be like a rehabilitation center, but we were doing the whole office.

opposite. But no, man, I guess I think the first time I thought you, Joey, was at Camp George West. Were we together at Camp George West? Yeah, at Camp George West. I was there on a day over. I came back from beauty. Oh, that's right. You were at a visit, and I saw you labor with your, I think your wife, you're having a visit, and then you wound up there at BCCC. That's where I was going. and that's what we kind of hooked up, you know. It was crazy, man.

I had, Alex, I was going crazy when I was there. You know, when you get out of prison or whatever the fuck you call it, you know, you tell yourself, you're not going to do this and you're not going to do that. But you and I both know the minute you hit that concrete, bro, that shit starts fucking haunting you. I mean, I think I got out on a Tuesday, and by Thursday I was doing Coke. You know, I couldn't take it no more. and I remember that I got my girlfriend pregnant at the time

and I had to make money and I was selling cars and I don't know remember we had different levels you had to be like level three and you could stay out till midnight and they wouldn't pee test you and all that shit you know I've told these guys the stories Alex about how I would do blow

and I would know that they were going to pee me and I would take pool cleaner and put it on my dick so when I'd piss in the fucking office I would pull the skin back with any tricks that you'd tried to do Alex when you were fucking in there with me? You know what? I got lucky one time because they,

well yeah, what I would do is that I used to smoke wheat. And I remember I used to run the hot water in the bathroom and start shadow boxing. I just get my sweat on, you know? And I mean, I just stay in there for a long time just shadowboxing, man, just sweating. And you know what? You know what I got, you know what I mean?

but do you remember that drummer guy which one that tall skinny that tall skinny blonde guy oh man what was it hard man was that name

no I don't remember when I was always scratching his ass I remember bro my thoughts of that fucking halfway house I feel bad Alex because we were supposed to be rehabbing and we weren't even thinking of rehabbing like they always give you the shit on TV

They always tell you how you go to a halfway house so you could, it's your gateway into civilization. There was no fucking gateway. I mean, I got there, and the first thing I did was start getting my dick sucked by Patrice Twining. Do you remember that filthy freak? Oh, yeah. She was a nasty, cute little girl.

I remember fucking her right at rehab. Like, we used to have to go to rehab on the corner there, and we'd be in the meetings. And I look at it, like, wink at it. And next thing you know, we're out in the fucking parking. And I'm fucking around the retreat next to his squad. world. I didn't give a fuck about condoms. I didn't give a fuck.

I was out there eating ass like a soldier. Alex, bro, I remember being in there and being... I remember being in a seven-man room and weighing blow. Weighing cocaine in my halfway house room. And I remember that the girl, what was the skinny blonde that I caught fucking Adam?

And then she never messed with me again. Judy is something. Judy was the black lady. Remember Judy was the big thick black lady she was a counselor and then me and you both had Adam the Jewish kid yeah oh Adam Berger yeah Adam Berker and then there was a

case worker yeah and then we also had the chick what was the blonde chick that was a hot little freak and I called her fucking Adam what was her name Tracy Tracy that's right and how I got away with

yeah the little white chick I seen her coming out of Adam's apartment I live right down the block from Adam So one morning I was walking my dog And I seen her walking out of Adam's fucking condo dog Do you know that I ended up buying that condo from Adam Who did? I did

Oh yeah The condo I had when I got married I bought from Adam my fucking counselor Nobody knew You weren't I wasn't allowed to tell anybody Did you know that Alexander Ray Yeah I didn't know that Well you know I got caught you know Gary

That old man Yeah Gary Yeah I bought a son 79 granada from him. That's $100. You bought a lot? And got caught.

What'd you buy? A car, a 79 grata, yellow. And they caught you? They caught me, man. You know, he went to your TV. He's like, hey, you want to buy a car? And I'm like, what do you got, man? He goes, come on.

We walked. And he has this whole beater car, man. It's all 79. And I said, how much you want? He was $100. I said, all right. So he did me a little deal of sale. And I put him out.

wallet. Well, I came into the habit how they pulled through all your stuff, you know, empty your pockets and others and that and empty my wallet, man, and pulled out my wallet, and they went through it and they found that still to sell. And I got ridden up.

And I was like, shit, man. And that's when everything started happening with Gary. Poor guy, but he hated us. Bro, me and Alex, Alex shared a room with Gary, and I called him Norton, because he looks just like Art Carney.

And our plan was me and Alex used to like to party in the fucking room, but we couldn't party with Gary in the room because he didn't party. And at this time, Alex, I remember getting like a half ounce of Coke working on a hundred and fourth and Thornton selling cars and driving home at 12 o'clock and pulling up to the back with the car because I had permission to drive. and I remember looking up at the back of the building and seeing 40 fucking people jumping up and down it was fucking I can't even describe this like I was bringing blowing on a Friday night and these people were going crazy

half of them weren't allowed out because they hadn't paid their rent I mean there was a thousand stories I don't even know how I'd sneak to blow into the fucking building Alex I have no idea I would have a suit on they wouldn't piss test me but the particular night that I never forget about you was the night I left with like an ounce of coke

and on the way home from the car dealer I went to a strip club where they didn't serve alcohol you know what I'm talking about? They haven't been thwarting and shit like that they don't serve alcohol so the women are completely naked. Yeah, yeah.

Alex, I went into one of those with a half ounce of coke because I don't even know I was bored I had to kill time till midnight because I didn't want to come home before midnight because that was the curfew. at the halfway house. So I went to this strip club and I'm in there

and I see this Korean girl that was a fucking 12 and I was clean and sober I was getting married and next thing you know Alice I start doing coke with the girl that's how bad to the bone the girl was I start doing coke with her

and she asked me for a private dance and I take her back then I'm giving a coke rocks and I've got my hand in her little fucking pussy Alex and she's driving me crazy and I got this girl looking at her and I got what can I give you the fuck you

and she said nothing I can't fuck you I can't even suck your dick. Alex, I was furious. I remember doing an eight ball on the way home in the car and whacking off on the 36, almost killing myself while I'm fucking whacking off on the 36 coming home. And I remember getting home, and that's the night that...

Who was the kid upstairs that used to shave and make believe he was doing blow? But he was sweating. So to hide, he would put a towel around his neck and shave, and he would cut his face. There was a guy upstairs. I mean, I had the whole fucking building wired. But I remember that we stayed up. I remember we stayed up and did blow in the halfway house like five in the fucking morning.

Didn't we even sneak booze in there? Oh, the works, man. I used to do the school drivers, the alcohol. Yeah, in the fucking halfway house, guys. In the halfway house. Later today, they did the count, and then that's when the party started, man. It's in the pink joy and just getting stooped, sir. Bro, I had, like, I was sleeping with, like,

three or four girls from the halfway house. I remember I used to have the gym real close to the halfway house. I rented a garage on 18th Street. I paid 35 bucks a month. I had a bag in there, a bench, a radio, and rolling papers. I used to take them over there and fuck them on the bench and then just make them walk back to the halfway house. I'd work out.

Fucking crazy is these stories, Alex. I can't even tell. I'm so happy, Alex, that you got a hold of me, bro. I was driving, and I seen the email, and I hit him right up. just press the number on the fucking email. I love this kid when he called, you know, it was just great to talk to you from that time in my life. But then it was the night that we put the fucking,

I used to go to, I used to work in Westminster, right? 104th, is that Westminster, Alex? Yeah. 104th in Thornton there. And I used to go to the mall. They used to be the Westminster Mall. And they had a gag shop. And I went down in and I see those things that you put in people's cigarettes

and you light up. And the cigarette explains. loads so I take it back to the halfway house and our roommate Gary was driving me crazy because we couldn't weigh the Coke in the room I had a scale up in the ceiling didn't I in one of the fucking units I had a scale in the fucking ceiling like a triple beam scale and here I am weighing this fucking coke and we couldn't wait in front of Gary so I figured if we if we torment him he'd leave the fucking room you know he would leave the room he'd go downstairs and say I don't want to be in this room no more so one night me and Alex got a cigarette

and we kept putting those things and his cigarettes and you're supposed to put one thing in there we were putting like three in each fucking cigarette

so I don't know if you remember Alex now that he had the single bed and me and you were in the double bed like the top bunk and the bottom bunk he had the single bunk

he had the single bunk but we did something to him like I farted or did something to make him leave the room that's what I couldn't remember we kept talking we kept talking

and just aggravating them and he said you know he went up to the living room and, you know, didn't turn on the lights or anything. He just went out to the living room. And you and I knew what was going to happen.

And it looked like drinking World War III, bro, when he lit that cigarette, when he lit that cigarette, Alex is my proof. The room was dark. There was no light in. But when he lit the cigarette, you just heard, boom,

and you've seen this, this. He burned his mouth, man. He burned his mouth. It was a fucking classic, because you saw the explosion in the shadow, Like you saw the light, like something went off. And I remember going in the living room, and he's sitting there with the cigarette in his mouth,

and the cigarette exploded all over him. He didn't even move, Alex. We just, we started, we fucking laughed our asses off. And the next day... Bro, the next day when we got back, he went back to a seven-man room, which has never been happening in the history of the BCTC. Like, you don't go from a three-man room back to a seven-man room.

You go for a seven-man room. Hey, you remember Well, I had a roommate there, too, Bob I don't remember Bob the biker Yes, I remember Bob He used to shit in a bag and stuff Yeah, yeah, man When one night, I was sleeping

And then, man, it just freaking That room started stinking bad, man And I was like turning out night What the hell's going on, man? And then, you know, he was acting all nervous And, yeah, man, something bad in here, you know He goes, hey Alex, man, I want to pop. Wow, what's going to have?

I was going to be a house to me, man. Well, what? He showed me. He goes, you know, it fills up with air. It was, gosh, I'm really like a normal person. He goes, and, you know, I got to air it out. Tricking nasty, but just rocks with him. He said, yeah, he sold up my asshole.

I got a fart in the bag. Bro, there was some fucking characters in that place in that halfway house. I remember the tall dude you're saying that would always scratch his ass. There was a dude. You know how he used to. to lend money out, Alex there. You know that. Like if rent was 75 a week

and you had to pay the rent on Thursday but most people didn't get paid until Friday, I would lend people 75 bucks and they would pay me back like 85 or 89 or 102. I forget what the number was. Did you know I was loan sharking in there one time to some of those invicts?

Yeah. And we would pay for food that give us those fucking canned foods. Yeah, I remember they used to give that food out at that pantry, that old cowboy guy. Yeah. You know, short guy

used to get that frozen. What about it? What about Terry? Do you remember Terry? Which one that used to be all in love with, Patrice? Which one was Terry? I have a big white boy.

No, no, no. He was Terry. He didn't want to trick in his pop that stuff, right? And I threw his sneakers out one time in the window. We almost got into it, man. I mean, he pulled out knives and everything, but, because he would wrap.

He would come in and he would lay down and wrap his feet spank so bad dude And um one day I just couldn't take it and I just shrieken through his sneakers out the window And um he's another one that left the rope because i mean he was nasty man i mean we got rid up that room got ridden up because they're going to the frickin one of the cockroats man and um he pulled out an knife on there pull out a knife on him and uh it was almost on the drama in that place was I can't believe in that. Bro, and I left. I don't even think about it.

I'm sorry. What were you saying? I was the saying, you know, I mean, I've been by there a couple of times, and it's still the same thing. They haven't renovated that place? Nothing. It still looks and saying, I mean, the thing is probably falling down to that building.

And, you know, good times, bad times, you know. And just, I mean, that place is cranky. The caseworkers there, everybody, they were freaking there all in the pick, you know. Oh, it was terrible. You know, it was just like a, I don't even know how to fucking describe it, but I knew I didn't want to go back there.

You know, Alex, I got out of there, and then I tested positive, and they put me back in there for three months. And I sat in there from November till February 2nd of 1990, and the next day my daughter was born, February 3rd, 1990. So they put me back in there, bro. What happened?

You got a good memory, man. Yeah, this is all you got. Yeah, no, no, I remember the fucking dates, bro. I remember that. I was out of that, man. I was out of it. I couldn't stand being in it. You know, what was the worst thing about it for you, Alex?

Just got there, dude. I had this case manager, man. Short-pricing guy with a mustache, dude. And first thing he told me, he goes, I go in there, I say, my name's Alex, and I'm here to meet with you, and I just came back from, I just came out of the OCE, C, and he goes,

I know your count, and I said, what? He goes, you come over here trying to fool people with your attitude, and with you just a comment, I mean, just, what the hell are this guy, man? Because I'm going to be keeping an eye on you,

boy, you know, and I don't know, man. I just, You know, people are micromanaging your life. You know, there's nothing... And I tell people all the time there's nothing worse in the world than being a man and somebody telling you what the fuck to do.

You know... Another man telling it. Yeah, and it's real how people think prison is a bad experience where you're at. I don't even think of that. The worst thing for me was having a man coming to your room and turn on your fucking lights and tell you when you have to eat

and when you have to wake up and how they kick your fucking bunk and how when you're in prison they try to take your manhood from you I mean guys like you and me we could survive anywhere Alex I'll throw it down to the fucking end I don't give a fuck we could survive anywhere

Bunee muney That's not the point The point is What comes along with it You know how those guards act towards you How they threaten your manhood every day And that's something that you don't usually get threatened That much

You know they try to break you down With that stuff And you know what Alex man when I read that email about you. I mean, last time I saw you, you were out. We were both out. Correct? Last time I saw you were both out,

you were helping me see a friend of yours and stuff like that. I mean, my life was a fucking, if these people only knew who I do the podcast for, what my life was at. That was when Oklahoma City, when they bombed Oklahoma City. That's how long I haven't seen Alex from 94-95. And I used to deliver Chinese food, do comedy, and sell Coke while I was delivering.

Chinese food. So think about that, people, when you're home, thinking about how hard your life is. My dream was so in my face. I wanted to do comedy so bad. But for me to do this, I had to get a car, I had to save, I had to do all these things. I used to deliver Chinese food and sell Coke while I was delivering Chinese food. And my cocaine problem was out of its fucking world. I mean, I'm not going to lie to nobody and tell you, I was selling it for money.

I was selling it so I could have it and shit like that. But that's the last time I saw you, Alex, was in 95. Yeah, 95, yeah. And I always thought about you. You were always a solid fucking dude, man. Like, you were just solid. Like, if you had a piece of bread and I needed it, we'd split it. We both have a piece of bread.

So I never forgot about you, Alex. I'll tell you right to your face, why I never forgot about you, man. Yeah, I mean, you did, you get my wife, my kids, the best of us. You know, I would always talk about you. I'm like, I remember Joey, you know, Joey, you know, you're funny about the best son. ever happened, man, you know, up here, you know, you know, I mean, yeah, we have good times and stuff, you know, we also had some kind of a, a few times there, too, you know, but, you know,

it wasn't my ego can I'm ugly at all, you know, after all these years. No, I'm happy, I'm happy that you hit me on the email and that you're still doing your thing and that your daughter's graduating and we all turn our lives around, man. And I know a lot of people listen to this out. Huh? Totally, totally different, totally different. Different, I've looked in life, man.

My only goal in life is she breaks my kids right. See my kids go to college. Like I said, my dad was graduating next month from CU, and then she's going to go to her Ph.D. And my boy's, excellent kids, man. I never had any issues with my daughter as far as, you know. I always say, oh, if you have a daughter, you know, you got to watch up with that.

Never, go, never. This goes straight A's. good because they know what I've been through and you know I'm a living living when you take the wrong road and make those decisions you know what it leads to you know and you know I've been with my wife like I told everything to her man because she's you know stuck with me to take him to Indy and I love her and like I said I thank God firstly and you know like I said before I was going to my house man you know

We're well stable. We got a good job. Keep on going forward now. Well, here we are. 20 years later, brother. I'm happy that you called. You know, I love you all my heart, and I'll keep in touch you.

I'll call you in a little while, and we'll talk some more. Yeah, hey, Joey, I got a Facebook account. You got a what? Yeah, yeah, you're on Facebook account. Okay, you got a Facebook account. Well, beautiful, but I'll call you and we'll get all that.

I don't want to have these motherfuckers calling you on Facebook and asking you creepy questions and shit. You know what I'm saying? Thank you, my mano, I love you to all my heart. Thank you, Joe. Thank you for emailing me and making my week, man, and happy Thanksgiving to you. But I'll call you in a little while, man.

Thank you, Alex. I love you. Have a good day. Yeah, that was a fucked up email. I loved that kid when I was inside. You know, when you're in there, you really have nobody to watch your back. And he watched my back. And he's a thin guy.

He's tatted up. He looks like one of the guys in American me. and I always loved him and I always wondered when somebody was going to contact me from either prison or the halfway house. How did he say he got your information?

He said that he saw me on the Jamie Kennedy show like 10 years ago and kept watching me and watched me and that finally he asked his daughter to go online and see if there's a way

to contact me. So he contacted me three days ago and I mean I was in a weird fucking place and I was hanging with this kid you know, I was in a weird fucking place

I was a different animal. It's hard to believe. And that halfway house was crooked. It was a scam. It was a social scam they were doing. They were saying that they were rehabilitating us. They didn't give a fuck. They were just taking all money.

They would buy an apartment building and put seven people in a condo, a two-bedroom condo, one-bedroom condo. Yeah, you said a seven-person room. Seven-person room. So you would be three guys in one room and four in the fucking living room with a TV, and they would charge you 300 a month. So that's $2,100 for the apartment right there. And the apartment was really worth like $6.50.

Yeah. So they had 30 or 40 units doing that shit. And then they probably got money from the government for doing it. And they got money from the government. And then to top it off, they sold this food. So they took, they gave you five TV dinners. They gave you five orange juices, cereal, milk, artificial cold cuts, and they charge you $75 fucking dollars a week.

And you had to pay for that. So it costs you $300 a month for rent and then another $300 a month for groceries, which I gave mine away because I didn't eat that shit. You could only have $40 in your pocket at each time. And I mean, it was just a, it was a communist. You did it and while you're doing it, you know they're scamming you, but this is our correctional facilities. Yeah, I was going to ask you guys.

I didn't want to interrupt at the end because it was really a great statement. but do you think it helped at all? Like, jail or halfway house? The jail helped. The jail helped. You need to take a little breather and look at what you did and look at how you're going to choose and pick your rest of your life.

Jail does help if you get involved in things, if you join the programs. I mean, don't get me wrong. It's not like you wake up and you join the fucking army that there's 30 million fucking programs. There's no programs. But there's AA. There's N.A. There's treatment centers. There's group treatments. You know, and half of them are fucking jokes. But you're giving an effort. You're putting your head there. I did everything I could. I did everything I could. I had nothing to lose. I'm in there. I got to kill time. If it means getting me out of a cell to go to some fucking meeting for an hour, I might as well do it.

And even though it took, I don't know, 10, 15 years or however long it took from when you left jail in the halfway house to when you're clean and now all you do is steal a lighter, You still, like, it's still, like, that was the beginning of you changing. Well, rehabilitation is all up to you. They don't rehabilitate nothing. You're the one that decides when this part of your life ends or if it continues. Always remember that. They don't do nothing. Just because you do four years of time, but 15 years of time,

doesn't mean all they're doing is putting you in a fucking warehouse. The rest is up to you. Your whole life, bro, you know, I did blow throughout my whole fucking 30s. I don't, there wasn't a sober time. in my 30s. You know, I didn't stop doing blow till I was 44 years old. You know, I wish I would have stopped at fucking 30. Some people

they see the fucking light at 20. Other people like me that was a loser, I didn't see the light till 44. That's when I decided that this had to come to an end. For Ray Charles, he didn't stop doing heroin until he was 64, so I got him beat. You know, I quit 20 years before fucking Ray Charles.

You follow me? So this is how you have to look at. Rehabilitation or any of that thing starts when you get sick and tired of fucking doing. When you want your life, when you just go, fuck it, I don't want to be a regular motherfucker no more. I don't want to be on probation no more. I don't want to fucking go to court no more.

These are the things I don't want to do no more. That's when you see it. If you think that you're going to go to jail and get rehabilitated, that's a scam, the American fucking public police. There's no rehabilitation. That's why these guys go to jail and come right back out. Rehabilitation starts with you, bro. That's why I ask.

Yeah, no, no, no. It starts with you. I love to tell you that you go in. there and that you healed. One day you go, how much longer can they kick me in the fucking ass for? What do I need to do to change this? How many fucking dicks or pussies

do I have to fucking suck to see the light? And it's all, and one day you just stop, and there your life is. There's your fucking life. I have a friend that won't get off the fucking booze. She knows. She knows. You know, every, like I've said, all

the answers to our lives, we have in our head. We just don't want to acknowledge them. You're 500 fucking pounds? You've got to push yourself away from the fucking table. We know this. We fucking know this. Everything else don't fucking help. You can do this, that, this.

Jump, oh, I'm going to drink white powder vinegar because it makes Madonna lose weight. Nothing. Nothing's going to help you. Anyway, we were talking about inspirations before. You know, when I give you guys movies or music, you know, like Constantine the other day, about King of New York, I like movies that inspired me. I like people that fucking inspired me. You know, a lot of people don't know about Rodney Dangerfield, that he was a struggling comic

for years. And one day he was forced to go back and work. And he went and he sold a lumen siding. And throughout that thing he would write. He would fucking write every night because he had a dream about being a comedian. And I don't know the exact story. You got to go on biography on AMC or read the fucking book. And then one day he got a shot again. And Johnny Carson put on a Tonight Show. And people couldn't believe this breath of fresh air because he had so much material written that every time he did a performance, it was a complete different set. So people are flawless. So, you know, Howard Ramis talks about this role coming up in Caddyshack

and how they wanted Don Rickles and da-da-da-da-da-da. No, no, no, no, no, no. They want motherfucking Rodney Dangerfield. And that they got Rodney Dangerfield. And at the first day of shooting, they did the scene and nobody laughed. And after the scene, they said, cut, a couple people giggled. And he went right up to Harold Ramis and he goes, I want out. And he goes, why?

He goes, because nobody's fucking laughing. And he goes, no, this is a movie, stupid. Hit him. Hit him with the first scene from Caddyshack, Lee. I hope you guys have all watched Caddyshack. Go, brother. Hey, wait a bar, let's have some drinks here. See what's going on for crying all right.

Hey, wait a here, this is for you, all right? Captain Hook. How about the grandio home you, huh? Forget about it. I'm just kidding, all right? Oh, this is your wife. Oh, a lovely lady. Hey, baby, you're all right.

You must have been something before electricity, huh? Hey, doll, how are you? You live alone? Oh, boy, nice senior. You know, good, you're our folks. How are you? How are you? Oh, this your grandson, huh?

Oh, wonderful boy. Nice boy. He's a good boy. I'll tell you. Now I know why tigers eat they're young, you know? God damn. I haven't seen that for... I think it was over my head.

My first thought, Hey, sweetie, do you live alone? I got tears in my eyes. Because after fucking 50 years, I'm still inspired by that. That's why I get up in the morning. Rodney is one of my biggest idols. Now, 84, he comes out with a movie called Easy Money with Joe Pesci.

Guys, nobody knows this fucking movie exists. This movie is a fucking masterpiece. Is it a comedic masterpiece like Young Frankenstein or one of those movies? No, no, it's not like that. But you just see, you know, we all grew up in Jersey. And if you watch this movie, it's about a guy who smokes. He fucking hates his mother-in-law, you know, and Joe Pesci's his best friend. And here's one of the most brilliant scenes I have ever seen in a movie.

If he didn't go watch Easy Money, Easy Money, his mother-in-law face her death. And if Rodney could get his life in order over the next 60 days or whatever, loses 50 pounds and stop smoking, drinking, gambling, he gets the fortune. and you know he's not sure of himself he's very insecure like we all fuck it I'm just like he party and he goes to the park

with Joe Pesci and I want you to listen to their conversation but I also want you to listen to what's going on in the background hit Lee you know why I'm going through this whole thing Nikki

for my kids that's why that's the greatest love in the world your kids you can't beat it all right that's why you do things for your kids that's love with your kid hey see what I mean see that man over there

kid, that's love, you know what I mean? Look where he loves the kid there, bounce him on his knees, look at that. That's love, baby. There he is, man. I'm sitting here mind in my business. He jumped on my lap. Get away from my head.

All right, everybody calm down. Do you have some identifications, sir? It's in my little raincoat. That is the most brilliant comedy because it's not focusing. It's still focusing. It's still focusing on Rodney and Joe Pett. But that's going on the third party.

So do you understand when I fucking goof on these movies? I don't want you to people think that Joey's an asshole, he just goose on my movies. No, because you're watching fucking junk. This is brilliant. That was thought out. The camera is on Rodney and Joe Pesci, but this is 40 yards away. It's like the worst shot in movie history. If you did that at a film school, they flunk you out.

It's them sitting at a picnic bench. and if you look all the way down the picnic bench you see a guy and you can't even see the guy it's a black like ball and you can't even see the guy

bouncing but they're just talking about him and it's just it's just a beautiful fucking scene when I tell you these movies I'm not busting your balls guys and saying that you know hangover two blows it does blow

there's nothing gonna happen with it 20 years now you're not gonna look at your grandkids or your kids and go you gotta watch Hangover too but you will show him young fucking Frankenstein And it's comic brilliant. You will show them a lot of these movies

that I'll be showing you. Easy Money. I don't know how many people have come over here and I've put Easy Money off. And I'm like, Joey, what the fuck is this shit you're talking about? So today, over the weekend, you're looking for a great movie.

Do a fucking Rodney Dangerfield Festival. Do Caddyshack and do Easy Money and show your kids. I mean, the beginning, there's a scene in Easy Money. This is how the movie starts. And I wish I could play it for you and I looked at the video, but I couldn't. I can't do it, Lee, because he's taking pictures of kids at a kids party.

Uh-huh. And the two kids get into a fight, the little girl and her boyfriend, they're five. So he comes over and he goes, what's going on? And she goes, he keeps hitting me with that thing. And he goes, well, what do you need him for? He's five. He pees in his pants. And a little girl's a cute, little adorable girls.

This is how movie starts and also around. He goes, hey, what are you depressed about? He takes out a puppet. And his puppy's name is Bobby Bunny. And he goes, hey, here's Bobby Bunny. and the kids all start yelling. And right there, three joints fall out of the glove. And a little kid picks up the joint and he goes,

what's that? And he goes, Bobby Bunny, drop a couple carrots. Right now the movie starts. That's the first scene in the fucking movie. And you're going to come to me with your fucking bullshit comedies that are going on today. Go fuck yourself. Anyway, hit him with a little tent crack of mammoths.

Oh, should I turn that off? All right, fuck it. Then you're not going to hit him with a ten crack of mammoths, cuck. What are you doing to me, Lisa? I have the orange juice. I'm fucking high that lollipop. I'm sorry, my memory's going. My memory's going.

Anyway, listen. We're going to get the fuck out of here. Today was a kind of weird little fucking energy podcast. Did you feel the same? Were we okay today? I thought it was good. I mean, I was all over the place, but fucking Alex, the phone calls, just from,

because I don't really talk on them, the phone calls are great, just hearing the people. Like, I can't even imagine cutting blow and weighing blow. In a halfway house. And I was doing it on a magazine. And so when you fold it, sometimes it ricochets out. So I went to fold the blow on that.

It ricocheted everywhere. And that lady Tracy came in to do an inspection. And there's blow all over the carpet. And she looks at it and she goes, what is this? And we go, the ceiling. And she looks down and she goes, okay, clean it up. We're on my hands and knees eating it. I'm fucking eating it.

My mouth was numb for a fucking week. BCTC. The ceiling. Boulder County Treatment Center. That's what the beauties of life. Listen, I know it's Thanksgiving tomorrow. Myself and Lee are going to hook up at 9 o'clock Pacific, 12 o'clock Eastern Jersey time to do a special one-hour podcast as a family podcast.

I'm going to have a couple of my family members call in. I'm thinking I having Ralphie May call in. A couple people just call in and fuck around tomorrow because Ralphie's having Thanksgiving at his house. Tomorrow's the time of year, man, where you get thanks. You sit around, you look at your family. Who's ever there? Who's never not there? You look around and you go, fuck, this is it.

I made it another year and now we got the holidays. And I want to thank you guys for the years we had together from the CD to the documentary, to the fucking testicle testaments, to coming to the show, to, you know, putting this up for Beauty and the Beast. And, I mean, you guys have made my year. And Lee, I mean, Lee would just be a fucking lonely other than now. Now he's the flying Jew. He's got women farting in his fucking face.

We could have never done this without you guys I mean from the bottom of my heart You know how I feel You know my sincerity for you motherfuckers You know I love what you guys do for me And I love that you listen to the podcast and supporters My next big date is I'm not going to Austin with Joe

Because I got to go to New York and shoot this sci-fi thing But my next big date is December 13th At San Diego at Madhouse Comedy And then I'm doing the end of the world Mother fucking show with him on the 21st of December. Oh, shit. Lee Syatt's coming down.

He's going to be meeting some bitches down there. Like I said, I gave a shout out to everybody today from Buffalo Frank to my MB Leaf Girl, the one that's taking you to the fucking game. She's watching right now, you're sexy, motherfucking blonde. Do you? I think I can't wait. It's going to be awful. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Her and her husband, and you're going to double date. And thank you for the great year you've given us, podcast people, and everything. Twitter, Facebook. We fucking love you. I hope this one was a little funnier. But we do. I got a fart, and I want you guys to hear it. Ooh! Who shot that duck?

It ricochet right off the chair, right into the back of my thigh. I'm going to have a little whitehead there for a couple days. Besides that, I love you, motherfuckers. Thank you very much. Lee, what are you giggling about? You haven't even smelt the fuck? I'm going to hold you in this hot box with this candle. You're going to smell the whole patois, the muffler?

It wouldn't be the first time. That's because I love you. Lee, thank you very much. You're going to come out with them all, Lee. Yeah, I want to say thank you. That's a thank you for that. And thank you for this whole year. I told you I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for doing all this stuff.

You would have left by now? Oh, yeah. After that job was over, I wouldn't have been here. Well, thank you very much. You're a top-notch producer and a great flying Jew. And let me tell you something else before we wrap up. I don't know what the fuck's going on with some of you people reading the, what we do here differently or whatever.

I know that Lee. Some people have been attacking them on YouTube. I don't know if you motherfuckers know who Lee Syed at is. We don't like to flex our mom. muscles over here, the church of what's happening now. But it's time we flexed our fucking muscles and let you know. The real reason how I got hooked up with Lee was I got a call from

some fucking Jews I know from New York and asked me if I knew anybody in the film business that could help out their nephew or their great uncle or whatever the fuck this kid is Lee. I was never going to put this out there. Lee's fucking bloodline go directly to Israel, you understand me? If you see Lee's fucking family, they're all a bunch of

fucking those dark skin Jews throwing rocks. Number two, the other dark family line he's got to when man, then my I don't know if you motherfuckers want to piss him off or me off. I'm associated with Maya Lansky and so with fucking Lee. Do not fuck with Lee Syatt. I don't do it. I don't advise you motherfuckers to do it because you will wake up in a Jewish fucking body bag.

You understand me? So keep it up fucking with Lee. You guys mess with Lee, you put your life into your own hands. Not by Lee. Lee's a sweet out of a guy. He's never even mentioned this to you guys. He's never even flake his muscles. This guy's bloodlines go direct to Maya Lansky and all those blue-eyed motherfucking

over there killing people. So if you want to continue fucking saying Israeli jokes, he warned you guys on Facebook, and he warned you again on a podcast. The rest is up to you. Don't come crying to me when you're missing a fucking arm and you got a yarmacca on your fucking head stapled on.

You understand me? Those Jews will staple fucking yarmacres to your head when you disrespect them. You ever have a yarmica staple to your fucking head? I don't think so. So don't fuck with Lee. I'm sorry I had to flex my muffles and tell him about your family, Lee.

But it's time. You fuck with Lee. you fuck with Myelansky and you know what? You're all gonna get beaten not me. I don't mess with Lee. You don't see me messing with Lee.

You don't see me messing with Lee. I got a call the other day not to get a big heavy black chick to fart in his face because the grandmother find out and might throw him out of the will. But besides that, I don't get, I don't bother Lee.

I advise don't, you'll wake up in the Pacific Ocean with a fucking thousand fucking, what do you call those? The candles that they hold the Jews? The condolabras. Oh, Minora. Manora.

stuck in your fucking throat. Don't come crying to me when you got 18 candle holes in your throat, Cox up. All right? I love Lee Syatt. He's with the Lanskys.

Enough said. Hit it, Lee, a little orange juice joints to get these motherfuckers going. Testicle testament is still on sale. What's the name of the album? It's either you are the priest. They're still on iTunes.

Everything's still there. Big thank you to honor. A big, big thank you to honor. And don't forget, the 31st of December starting, everybody has their needs and everybody's going to set their little goals. Our goal together is the church of what's happening now is to be a little fucking healthier. You know, try the hemp force protein.

Fucking the best protein I've ever had. A little strong bone. This combination, you know there's a money back guarantee. Go there, see what purchases you can make if you're over fucking 250 pounds and you want to start running and doing the doche diet and all those things that come with it. Get the strong bone. I'm telling you, bro, I've been walking lately. I got no fucking pains.

I can jump up and down like Barishnikoff. What's the ballerina? I love you guys. Listen, if you don't tap in tomorrow, happy Thanksgiving, do me a favor. Tap in tomorrow. I want to get fucking 90,000 people watching.

Stickam.com. I want to give a happy Thanksgiving family, the Andy and the little fucking dude and what's his name? Effron. Effron, that bad motherfucking Spanish dude. And to my girl over there and to everybody who support us

and give us love, man. Happy Thanksgiving. We'll see you tomorrow, 9 a.m. Stay motherfucking black. Hit him Lee with some music there. Oh shit. Oh, shit. Just drops knowledge on this bitch.

And I wouldn't cancel all those credit cards. All your charge counts. Yeah. I stuck you up for every piece of jewelry I ever bought you. Yeah. That's right. Everything. Everything.

Get fly with me. Nah, don't go. Don't go looking in that closet. Because you ain't got nothing in. Everything you came here with is packed up and waiting for you. Yeah. That's right. What was you thinking about?

What was you trying to prove? Huh? This looks like you silk suits. I gave you things that couldn't even pronounce. Now I can't get your nothing but advice. Because you're still young. That's right. You still young.

I hope you learned a valuable lesson from all this. You know? I'm going to find somebody like with me one of these days. Until then, you know what you got to do? You got to get one out of here with that Alicat and Co-Wamp. Hush puppy shoe and crump cake I saw you with because you dismissed.