The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 11/26/2012 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #33

Episode Date: November 28, 2012

Joey and Lee talk about Joey's marriage and his recent anniversary, working out, Jiu Jitsu and the Charles Bronson movie Hard TImes. Einstein from 10th Planet West LA calls in and gives Joey and Lee work out advice. The podcast is sponsored by Onnit.com, use the code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Streamed live on 11/26/2012

Oh shit. Monday, November 27. What is it? 26th, 2012. We've got about 25 more days in the minds. They're going to be fucking listening to the ass. That's just how it works. The Churchill's happening now. Joey Dia is my main man. The Flying Jew, Lee Syed on a beautiful fucking Monday morning. Hit it Lee. Play that music. Or somebody. Oh, shit. Singedly. Come on. You fucking know, Cox-U. I don't know the word yet. I know the first line. This is a beautiful

fucking jam, huh? Nice and slow on a Monday just to get the week all right. You know what I'm saying? It's like a wake-up. A fucking wake-up. I can have Black Sabbath or something, but this is nice and light.

Because it's Monday, though. You do whatever the fuck you want on Monday start all over again. Start with your little diet. I ate like a motherfucker this weekend, dog. I really did. Oh, everyone did, yeah. Yeah, fuck the Dolce Diet and Pav.

I didn't eat bad I can't lie to you You know what man Ever since I went on weight watches I watch little things I watch little things You know if you just don't drink fucking A can of Coke

That's six points a can You know I used to drink 10 cans a fucking day That's 60 points Oh I was hooked on coke And more ways than one Jack soda Powder That was my main thing A soda

My mother had a ball when I was a kid So you know When I go in and I drink all these fucking sodas And shit I wasn't into booze And that shit Stucked with me And finally, when I got it out of my fucking life, I mean, it was a little too late. I was a fat fuck.

I'm still a fat fuck, but still I can't be drinking soda. So I still cut back on little things. I took my wife out for anniversary last night. So weird that when I moved in with Terry, I had three pair of pants, maybe five t-shirts, a couple pairs of socks with holes in them. We lived in a one-bedroom. I remember the first one of the first movies I booked. I booked like a movie with Chaz Palm and Terry that was one day. I was getting like 8.50 for the day.

And to celebrate, we went to a sizzler on LaBrea. We shit blood for about a week apiece, but that was our big celebration. You know, and last night took it to my wife. For a while there, I would go on the road with Joe and those guys, and we'd go eat at a nice restaurant. I tell my wife, let's go eat there. And my wife would come home and say, you know what? The food was great, but it wasn't worth the three bills or whatever.

So I stopped taking it to the Fogo. Like, Fogo was too much meat. She likes the other place. Lowry's where they have the... Prime rib, and they come with all the stuff. And I like, I'm a big Benihana type of motherfucker. I love Benny Han. Even though there's no Japanese people left in Benihana.

You ever know that you go to Benny Hanah? There's one Jap. At the front and that's, everybody else is Mexican throwing fucking knives with Scots tape on their eyes. You know what I'm saying? It's a fucking nightmare. But it's all right. They do.

They got a little Scotts tape on the bottom. You don't think you fucking see it because they put little makeup on it. I fucking see everything. I used to see the string in Superman. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with something? novice and shit. I love Benny Hanah, but last night we're talking and friends of ours went to Ruth Chris

in Pasadena. He was saying that he likes Ruth Chris because they cooked the steak and the butter they bake it in the butter right in the fucking oven. Yes, Ruth Chris is nice. So it was funny because yesterday for lunch we went to, we ate, you know, regular breakfast like I usually have my rice checks in a protein shake or something like that

an apple, but we ended up having breakfast yesterday and we went to sauce and chips. You've been a fucking sauce and chip, bro. What's that? It's a Mexican thing. They have one here in Lancashim in the hell neighborhood. They got another one in some other hell neighborhood. They got another one in Ashville, North Carolina. That's how cool it. That's Asheville is. The home of Duncan Trussle bitches. And the vapor pen, mm-mm, mm-mm, eureka, and I went and then got the cream chicken enchiladas for the

lunch menu. Now, I used to go to a place in Houston, Texas called Chewis. For motherfuckers who don't know about food, that they always talk about San Francisco and New York. Let me tell you something, my friend. Texas will blow your fucking wig off, primarily Houston. Houston will blow your fucking wig off. But they got some Mexican fusion-type Tex-Mex places in Houston.

One of them called Chewy's fucking delicious. On Mondays, or Wednesdays, it's Elvis Chicken. It's like a chicken cutler dipped in corn flakes and shit. Holy shit. With bazooka juice and hemorrhoid poppers. I mean, it's fucking delicious. They got these margaritas, these swirls that are just amazingly.

I mean, the fucking food, but on Mondays, it's sour cream enchiladas is a special. I used to fly into Houston on Mondays just to go to fucking Chewys. That's how much of a fat fuck I am. And I go to Top Up Tio. I mean, they got restaurants. They got this place in Montrose.

Like, I like Barnabees. Montrose is the gay neighborhood in Houston, which I fucking love the food mantos. I don't care if they whack off on it. I don't give a fuck what they do. The meatloaf and Barnabees is king. just to have food in Texas, but what's the fucking place?

They have ever. Berry Hill. Berry Hill has these tamales that are just off the chain. And one time, for you motherfuckers, I laid Joey Dia's stories. I did an article in the paper. They interviewed me for the club. They usually interview comics,

and I mentioned Barry Hill. They got this lemonade, this lime made, but they put the leaves in it, the mint leaves. Fucking amazing. Nobody ever spent the hundred in there. It was in a gay neighborhood. and Montrose on Sundays

they get the fucking ding on da-ton ta-da-ton-da-da-da-da-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-gays are in there slinging dick, Texas style. You know what I'm saying? Fuck it. Right from the sprout, they're sucking that ju-ju-ju-juice, right? So they, you know,

they do like techno music on Sundays. It's fucking great. I forget. I think it's on Westheimer or whatever the fuck it is. And I was talking about that they had the best tamales in the world. So they brought a care package to the comedy club and they gave me a hat, which I still have,

Barry Hill hat. And one that I'm in an old compadre trying to pick up a gram of blow for $60 down there in Hollywood, my favorite co-k spot when I was doing blow. And I got the hat on, and who walks in but the guitar player from ZZ Top? I can't remember what his name is right now. And he looks at the hat and he goes, fucking my favorite joint ever.

He's from Texas. They're from Houston. So I started talking to him on my dog. It's fucking tremendous. We start talking. He goes, let me tell you the story. When the Stones played in Houston, he goes, I stopped at Barry Hill and got him some tamales.

He goes, the funny thing is they didn't touch any other other food. from Houston except the tamales and from time to time I think they've already you could you could get the tamales in the mail I might fucking order them today and get them here for Christmas for us so we could eat them on TV people hate when I eat on camera they say yeah looks like a fucking gorilla in heat which I am I have no nobody likes to go eat with me I fucking eat my fingers and shit like that I'm a fat fuck but uh this very hill place he came over to me he's like dog so I took the tamales for the stones and the stones loved them I think they ordered from there one time from Australia the

Stones and one time when they're in Vegas they call Berry Hill and had the tamales delivered to him. So if you want a fucking great tamale and you're in Houston, go to Berry Hill, I love that place. By the way, this morning we got my friend Einstein. Mondays from now and I'm not going to dedicate the craziness. I'm going to dedicate the health. I'm going to try to get somebody a call in and talk to us about our health, especially us fat fucks that we need help for the holidays.

So today I have my man Einstein calling in from 10 Plano. He was on these black belts. You know, he's been trying to get me to go down there to do a weight. lifting program that he has to build more muscle and burn calories so we're going to have him call in as always this uh podcast is brought to you by on it go to onit.com and uh take a look at their stuff last yesterday for breakfast again that's what i had i had the fucking protein shake so if you don't know go down and gets yourself a container hemp force there the chocolate fucking delicious you're drinking a you 16 grams of protein bam fucking 11 grams of fiber to get that

going because that's the most important thing no matter where the fuck you go with you got to get the muffler going strong bone again I'm gonna start kickboxing today I'll be taking this shit every day I took new mood last night to fall sleep I slept like a fucking baby did you really yeah yeah you know what people people's big knock about like Alphabranes have great dreams okay you know like they have vivid dreams this shit last night I had some fucked up dreams oh really I haven't had the minute I don't know I don't

remember what the dream was don't ask me you know I'm like a half a fucking mom. I don't remember shit. But go to omit.com, and when you order right before you go, put it in the church, type in the church, let me get some fucking credit here, and let's keep this Omnick chain going so we could all be fucking healthy. But last night when I went to this, what I like about Morton's, like, I haven't been there since Hollywood, but, well, I like the, I'm a big lobster bisque type of motherfucker. I like all those Boston soups, lobster bis, New England clam, but I got the lobster

abyss and I got the little steak you know the little flank steak eight ounces I didn't want to eat a lot of meat I had the salad you know I usually get the spinach salad or I usually get the I usually get the wedge or they have this fucking steak tomato those steak tomatoes salad with onions

and blue oh fuck I mean I love the vegetables in those places and that's it I didn't really go nuts I watch my points but now I got to get serious about that's why I want to change up my workout I'm going to change it up I usually go to yoga on Mondays I'm not going to go to them I'm going to Thursday and try to shock my fucking body.

I'm going to do a little bit more aerobics and stuff like that. Lee, Lee, Leland, you bad motherfucker. You're about 20 days from going home, seeing your little honey. You're going to go to the England game. You're going to eat some fucking pussy. You're about, hopefully, we're going to do this at the, we're going to try to get this chick

to fart in your face at the end of the world show. I got this girl. She wants you to bring an eye patch just in case she has some scrap, no one takes out your eyeball, it cuts your corny, like John Winklejohn or whatever fuck. His name is we're going to have a good... Lee, Lee, Leland, you bad motherfuckers.

Like I said, guys, that's it, the Hollywood season. Hollywood, the fucking Christmas season is upon you, motherfuckers. We got six more weeks. And I really want to give a shout out to my wife after 12 years for tolerating me. 13 fucking years. We've been married for three.

And I love my wife very much. And it's funny because yesterday in the morning, it didn't seem like we were going to go anywhere. And like last night, I took a nap in the afternoon. Fuck, I got a high on something yesterday. And I fucking took a nap, and when I woke up, she's like, what do you want to do? I didn't want to really get dressed or whatever.

And it's funny how, you know, when I started dating my wife, when I moved in with my wife, it was just, like, very casual. I didn't know what to expect or whatever. And she kept blowing my mind, you know, she kept, I started getting these movies. But when I got the longest shot, we had been dating about four years. And I used to wake up, and I used to notice that, you know, I had to be at the set at 445 in fucking Redondo Beach. Holy shit. I would snort Coke till 2.

I'd sleep right out when my clothes would be laid out. And it's funny how my wife stood by me for all these little things, for all these little movies when I had to sleep at me. My wife would drive me. I'd fall asleep behind the fucking wheel when I had the fat ball on my neck. My wife drove me to the hospital and made sure I was okay when I had the knee surgery, you know. And she's going to have this baby now when I'm really worried about her. You know, I'm more worried about my wife. I couldn't do it without my wife.

I couldn't do anything without my wife. My wife is the fucking backbone of the organization. So I've been really worried about my life. But I got to stand 150% behind her and not worry and get ready for this fucking kid. The next three weeks, you know, she's starting to bust her ready. I mean, I could tell you. But when we went to eat last night, she was happy. And if you've ever been married, guys,

you're thinking about getting married let me tell you some advice when i first got married i was never going to get married again after i failed the first time but that's why i remarried because i failed how can you fucking fail at having a relationship with somebody it's so easy it's just you and me and we try to talk things and either i love you or i fucking don't and i wasn't really in love or whatever but i didn't try with this girl here it's so hard i you up to try your home has to be everything lee you know I hope that it works out with this girl. And you'll know that when I first got married and shit, I thought it was just a piece of pussy and laundry.

You know, when I was 20, when I was your age and I got married, I'm like, here we go, Doug. I got a piece of pussy and laundry forever. Piece of pussy and laundry. This is it, you know. I didn't think about what it really was. You know, I didn't think about what it really was. It's two people.

It's two people now against the world. It's not you against the world no more. And if somebody really has your back, they're not going to leave you. They're going to stick it out with you. You know, my first wife, fucking left because I didn't have her fucking back either. You know, who the fuck of my kid?

I didn't have her back. She didn't have mine. I can't cry about that. My relationship with my daughter was lost. You know, because I didn't get along, I put comedy first. You know, the whole child support thing. Now I finally get back and I'm ready to rock. And I get a second chance.

So I know for a fact, guys, if you ever get a second chance, make sure your house is good. Your house always has to be good. If your wife's not happy, nothing's going to fucking be happy. It drips down into all types of your business. and you don't need that. So now this is why I'm home all the time. You know, the other than I was driving back from the Laugh factory in Hollywood.

It's 1040. You know, I got money in my pocket, right? I got a couple, like, fucking 80 bucks or whatever. I had my little vapor pen. And I'm driving back, and I'm like, where would I go? Even if I wanted to go somewhere and lose my mind, where would I go? I go to a fucking strip club and I get bored, you know? I don't want to see some girl dancing in a fucking bathing suit.

I want to see that artichoke. And I want to see deep into that fucking asshole. I don't want to waste my time. time, you know. I can sit at home and watch fucking Cinemax or whatever. You know, I had nowhere to go. And I've had nowhere to go for like 20 years.

It's so weird. That's why when I did blow, I went home and did it. And my wife said to me on that, she was, don't you ever fucking make a detour or something like that? I go, you know what? Sometimes at night I'd stop at 7-Eleven and get a hot chocolate and buy a pack of cigarettes and smoke two cigarettes. Throw the cigarettes away and come home.

I was the extent of my night. Like, I have no nightlife. No, do I want to be. And it's so weirdly, I never really wanted to be out at night. I just did it because I had no fucking choice when I was a kid. You know what I'm saying? You want to make money. You want to sell blow.

You want to sell cluelas. You want to stab people. You got to go out at night to do all that type of work. What's happening, Lee, Lee, Leeland, my little brother. What's going on, brother? You and your wife have a very interesting relationship. It's not, I've noticed it since I've, like, because I, I didn't come over here for a while when we first started hanging out.

And it's not, it's not like a step for family. It's not like, hi honey, how are you? Like, she's probably one of the funniest people I've ever met because she, it's probably because she's been with you for fucking 10 years that she gives you shit. And, like, it doesn't, it doesn't, like, you don't intimidate her at all, so she'll, like, start giving you shit. No, she just gives me shit, you know. But my wife isn't fucking scared of me at all.

She's thrown chairs at me. She's pulled a knife on me. My wife don't fuck around. You know why my wife don't fucking around? Because her dad's fucking nuts. Our dad's a big-ass mountain of it. a fucking Irishman who's just as crazy and retarded as I am. Shit comes out of his mouth.

I look at him. Sometimes he calls, he's like, look who it is. It's the Mexican. It's fucking Cuban. It don't matter, you're fucking Mexican. I mean, he's just crazy. So that's why, like, I look at her family and I look at my family. I go, oh, I fucking get it.

I get the correlation now. You know, why she digs me, why she's tolerated me? Because her father's fucking nuts. Yeah. So I get, sometimes I call over there, talk to the mother. with my niece and I can hear the father. I'm like, oh, that fucking guy. Who's this Obama headquarters?

Like, he's always breaking my fucking balls about something. Obama headquarters. But that's a, it's, it's cool to watch. Because, I mean, especially with the kid coming, I know you're nervous about it, but I've seen you with other kids and stuff. And especially when I've heard Al Magical talk to you, you were on the Minivan Man podcast. And it was just, I think, I think you're really going to like it.

I think you're nervous now, but I thought about this driving over here yesterday. I think I'm going to come over, like, six months. You're just going to be, like, seeing, like, goo-go-gag-a, like, over, like, over the crib, and you're just going to like... I like kids. I know that kids are our fucking future. Listen, man, when I first got married, I had the kid with the other fucking struits. Like, again, I thought marriage was getting your dick sucked,

and somebody to do your laundry, and somebody to cook. I'm not going to lie to him. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I thought it was fucking glorious. And my daughter's name. is Jackie. And, you know, I had Jackie for the first four or five years of a life, man. But I was fucking crazy. You know, I beat up a stepfather in front of her. I bit slapped them. I mean, I did that testicle testament about, I don't know if we sold that one. That one's next. That one's next. And it really fucking sucked because when I started

doing comedy full time in 95, my contact with her got limited. And I had nothing. I was walking I'm thin ice as it was in 95 when I left. She was five. And I loved the dealy, and she loved me dealing. And I always swore I wouldn't get married. I wouldn't have fucking kids. Well, guess what? I'm having them both.

And last night I'm sitting there, and my wife went to the bathroom. I'm looking at my wife. I got my wife. She's pregnant, you know. Everything's going well. The podcast is going well. I'm acting. I'm working, brother.

You know, I should be the happiest I've ever been in my life. And at times I sit there, I'm scared. Because this is all I want. I'm sitting here. Arty Morton's. Where the fuck I am last night? Morton's. I'm looking at the big picture.

Empty, by the way. Place was fucking empty. You know, this country, they talk so much shit on fucking line or on television that they scare the consumer. You know what? It was one of the worst black Fridays

of all fucking time. That didn't do shit. You called me. And you said, it's okay. You know, but people finally realize, why am I standing here like a fucking bull? We're getting ready to go chase Pete. You know, why?

I could do all this shit online. You go to Amazon. I don't even have an Amazon ban, and I'm telling you, Amazon is one of the best fucking things in your life. I came home the other day, I ordered like 10 things on fucking Amazon that I needed. It was amazing. Three to five-day shipping.

You know, like my wife said, it never takes fucking eight-day shipping. I order my cat stuff on there. You know, why the fuck would you go out and torture yourself like that? You went out, you got a couple stuff. You know, you're looking for a computer to get us hooked up online, so it's a lot faster, so I understand. You like that stuff.

But at the end, you know, we're going to, kill him online this year. I mean, last year sales were like 30, 40%. They're expected not to fucking double, but like, uh, it was slow. What else? Something. The airport wasn't as busy as they said, because I had three people who flew in it out and they were like, it was okay. He goes, it was like they was setting you up on Thursday. Like he goes, they could have had eight lines, but instead they had four lines to really make it heavy. He goes, but it wasn't really heavy. If they would have had all eight lines open and security, he goes, it wouldn't have been that fucking bad. It's like they want it.

You've been to Seattle? No. Seattle's one of those cities that there's no way there's that many fucking cars. It's like they want the traffic so they can talk about. Oh my God. There's so much traffic like California. No, there isn't. Step on it, you fuck. No, there isn't. Step on it, you fuck. Get that

three car, move it out of the fucking way. Let me do 90 if you don't want to fucking do it. I've never seen some... And the rootish people here in California, they won't fucking move out of the way. If you're in the left-hand lane, you're doing 90, and you're in your fucking six or seven beamer and you're doing 65 why do you have that fucking bema why are you wasting my time and everybody else's time so what you got some chains to buy a seven but you're a

fucking pussy so if you're not going to fucking step on it please get a prius and get fucked in the ass in the right hand fucking lane but if you're going to get a seven or a hot car you better be doing fucking 90 because i'm doing 90 behind you and my fucking Subaru and i got a fucking Subaru four-wheel drive so if i'm doing fucking 90 you got fucking problems you understand these people really do have problems. You're fucking the 45 in the 7th series. Why'd you buy the 7th floor? To show your fucking neighbors that you got $3, you fucking phony, fuck? Yeah. Get a shit box and do dirty. You know what I'm saying? And stop wasting everybody's time. These motherfuckers doing fucking 10 miles or not. I'm sorry, Lee.

I get a little emotional sometimes on Monday morning. It must be the new mood. Pull a little fucking music, Holly. What do we got this morning? We got a bunch of stuff. We're going to start off with one of the levy breaks. Oh shit. A little ex-app one. Let me tell you some Mondays. were made for Zeppel. Yeah, you said that when I came in. Where is it? I was, usually you can talk.

Hit it! You're going to talk about. This is the total of drums. This is the Apple IV, correctly? I'll believe you. It doesn't say on the thing. Yeah, Zeppler's 4. They don't really have a title for this album, but it's 4.

That's what I have to call. It's got a, you know, stand way to heaven, rock and roll and all that shit. Go leave, baby. Come on, Dr. Suck, sucker. Get excited. Smile, you're fucking. Oh shit, with the levee brace, when she farts in your eyeball.

Come on, Lee. Wham, whin, whin, whin, whin, whin, whin. A little harmonica like Charles Bronson. And don't forget, for all your stone means, anti-dolores, this is what I ate this morning, one of these, because you pussy's, don't eat on camera, Joey. Fuck you, bitch. I had one way before the camera.

Play that. What are you loan it for? Lee says to me, No, you're going to start the morning off of one of those? Fuck, yeah, a little mint chocolate chip. 100 milligrams just to get the blood going, you know what I'm saying? Just to get the TAC blood going. So I'm ready, go I pop one of these and a fucking alpha brain.

It's over, you know what I'm saying? You'll put a little alpha brain your assholy. No. What the fuck is. Hit it Lee. The levee's going to break. This is Sandy soundtrack. What?

Oh, you played this on the way home from the club there later, the week. Lee Lee, Lee, Leland. It's fucking Monday Lee. What's the story? What do you got planned this week for you? No, I forgot to tell them when I came over for Thanksgiving this weekend, your wife went to take a nap

and you spent about an hour and a half torturing me, telling me how, I think when we left off, I'm making $4 million up getting poured it in the face. I got big plans for Lee. He don't understand me by one fart in the face, the chain of reaction he could do. One fart,

you take one fart to the face, Lee, you can go from being homeless, to being a star. It all depends on what you do with that one fart. You know, because like I said, she's going to fart in his face and he's going to fall backwards. I'm not going to, for the little fart in the 21st,

because we're going to have it at the end of the world show. I'm going to have you in the back back there. We'll get Stan Hope just to watch because this is a good man. The chick says she's going to come to the end of the world show. I'm going to comp on the ticket. You're going to come. You're going to get on your hands and knees. She's going to fart on your face.

When you go, she says she's going to eat liver worse for a month and fucking onions. She's already stuck. She's a nice Jew girl. with a big ass, by the way. She wants you to get the full menorah of the Jew muffle on your face. You know what I'm saying? So we're not going to show the exact fart in your face,

but we're going to show you on the floor falling down, holding on to your face, yelling and screaming, aye, aye, aye, I lost an eye, whatever people do. Take you to the hospital. Like I said, we're going to get you $25 a ticket. Lee, the fucking money is endless. I can't remember now the count. I wrote it somewhere.

You wrote it down? I got the whole business plan here because we're going to have posters. We're going to have shirts. We're going to have the whole thing, Lee. I don't even have shirts with them. I have nothing, Lee. This is a way to make you, and you're going to make millions of a fart to the face.

Nobody's ever done that before, Lee. You understand me? That's how bad of a man you are. Just relax. I'm going to get choked up here. Nice Jew going to make your yarmikas. A little yarmacca with like a fucking, you know, a eye patch on it, a matching eye patch.

Remember the last time you seen a Jew with a matching eye patch and a yarmac? Never. Lee, you're sitting on the fucking, you're on top of the wall. world. You know what I'm saying? Relax. Nobody's ever taking a little fart to the face and fucking live to tell. You got me so stone and you were sitting there. We weren't even

looking at each other. We were watching. We were like barely watching the football games. And you were just like, all right, we're going to make four million and all I want is 10% that's 400 grand. That's it. That's all I need is 400,000. That's a mere nothing compared to the fart you are going to take to the face. You're going to walk out of there with 3. fucking 6 million. You know what I'm saying? Who's better than you? Get your shit together, Lee. I love you. like a brother. You make, you know what I'm saying?

A little fart to the face. You're complaining. The girl might know you were savage, Lee. You're fucking savage. Anyway, the fuck, he's throwing me off with this fart in the face. Shit, he's confused. I know. What the fuck? This is old news, Lee. We're going to do this, and then we'll report. We can't tell the people no more about it.

We have to do it and then report about it. I got a good fucking movie for you, people. I'm trying to hold off till my man Einstein comes, because Einstein is very interesting and intense type of guy. But I got a very good movie for you, I've been giving you some good movies lately. This fucking Eureka vapors on fire today. This is a headband, I think.

I love this. I'll tell you, I don't even smoke reefing no more. You don't see me. Yeah, you give it all to me. That's right, too. I give it to my family, because I love you. I got to give you something. You sit there.

You smoking this shit at night? Oh, yeah, I have a one-hitter, and it's the only way I can go to sleep. Because I get home at 6 in the morning. I'm going to hit you take at night. I go through a gram in about four days, so whatever that is. Four days. Look at you. You're a regular fuck.

You don't smoke no gram, you take three little hits. Isn't it a gram like the little, like one little bud? No. Oh, well then whatever you used to give me like that was like one big bud. How much weed you got in the house?

You got about two pounds, don't you? You got more weed than I do at the house. I got nothing. I got this one hitter in my pound. I haven't been smoking. Just this vapor gets me over. But it's funny. The movie I want to turn you guys to today

is something I've talked about. The Joe Rogan podcast. I think we discussed. Obviously, you guys know I'm a big Charles Bronsonson fan. Charles Bronson was a big icon in the 70s Unlike a lot of these people you see today The thing about Charles Bronson was that He was like this tough guy

He had this weird personality He was a great actor You know he made some great fucking movies You know today a guy makes two movies And we jump up and down all we get impressed It's like when a guy loses two in the UFC And then wins knock somebody out He's back he's not fucking back

You gotta fight you gotta win like six or seven Fucking fights to be back Just because you won one fight don't mean you're fucking back it's so weird how easily we're impressed in this this uh society we're fucking easily impressed with somebody just because they would do one fucking thing good zeppelin had nine fucking albums pink floyd the last five fucking albums were albums and they had ten before that but pink floyd what was it metal fucking uh wish you were here dark side i mean dark side of the moon i think wish you were here was the the backup to dark

side of the moon, animals, and then the fucking wall. So the understanding they just didn't do one fucking thing, and then people jump up and down like this society does. They do one fucking thing, and people, oh, my God, he's brilliant. He's fucking great. This guy, Louis C.K. has been around for 30 fucking years. You know, Dave Chappelle was around for 20 years before that fucking show that he quit because the networks are tortupturing him.

So a lot of people never know that you guys just think we pop up out of the scene, but we've been around for fucking years. Same thing with music. That's how I judge. I don't get impressed when a band has one good, I don't get impressed because I know this is the anybody could come up with a great fucking first album anybody can't it's the second now that's a motherfucker you've been prepping all your life waiting for the first album the second album is the one that you got to tape while you're on

the fucking road and that's why a lot of people fail but anyway we're talking about fucking movies the movie the reason why I love this movie is it's the first cage match it's called hard times and it came out in 1975 with uh what's this cock suckers name's james James Colburn, you got Charles Bronson in it, but the director on this, and this is a Walter Hill movie. Let me tell you the movies that Charles Bronson had done to let him up to this fucking thing, all right? He started with Once Upon a Time in the West, which we covered last week.

Then he did the Valachi Papers, then he did Chado's Land where he played a fucking Indian. Then he did, what's this one here? I can't even fucking tell him. Mr. Majestic. Then he did Stone Killer. Then he did The Mechanic in 73, where he was 51 years. old. Then he did Death Wish. Then he did break out with Robert Duval, which is another classic he plays an helicopter mechanic and he breaks Duval out of a prison. And then he did this movie

I'm talking about Hard Times, which is a fucking classic movie. Like I said, it's the first ever cage fight. First ever, they fought in a cage when he fights Robert Tessier in a cage. If you guys don't know who Robert Tessier is, that bald guy that was in the longest yard, not the one I did with Adam Sandler, the original. I'm going to play for you the first meeting in between Charles Bronson and James Colburn. If you guys don't know who James Coburn is, this is fucking Arm Man Flint. This guy was also in the dirt,

not the dirty dozen, but the other one, the Magnificent. He was also Bruce Lee's fucking, he carried the casket. He was one of Bruce Lee's students. And when I did Arliss with James Coburn, it canceled for three weeks. They kept saying, you're not shooting this week,

because the star is sick. And I was at the Tempe Improv, and I got a call one night that Monday we were shooting this. And a dear friend of my friend of my friend, mind got me this role, Alan Stevens, who I'm still, he was a producer on Arlis, and they knew how crazy I was about James Coburn, and he got me a role, and I remember looking at James Coburn, I couldn't even look at him, I kept fucking crying, and if you go online somewhere, the scene from Arliss is on, because my buddy sent it to me. Play that scene with their first

meeting. We wake up, you're looking at me like a fucking skutes. I thought you were talking about Arlis. I thought fucking Arlis. I'm talking about Charles Bronson and James Coburn. All right. Start any time, pal. Chaney. So what? They make some money. Right, well, I'm all here, friend.

A piece of business tonight. You said enough. Happens all the time. Help yourself. Thanks. Takes one of his oysters. Suppose you've been down the long, hard road. Who hasn't?

Cheap. You a policeman? Just like to know where a man coming from, that's up. You look a little past it. Besides, I already got a hit her. Yeah, yeah, I saw him. Oh, some bitch lay down on me. I look for him.

Every time you got a bar, every bar's got somebody in who thinks he's tough as a nickel steak. But they all come to speed for the Do-Rémy. The Do-Rae Me? I'm the one that loses. I don't want you a dough. You got six bucks. Six fucking bucks.

All right, here's my man Einstein calling, but this guy plays a fighter. James Corbyn plays his manager, and they go out. We got one more scene for you, but let's take the call from my man. Einstein hit it Einstein what's the story buddy

thank you very much for calling I hear you brother how you've been alright lately yeah I'm good well you got to call for a little bit well you got a call for you're on the house phone or you're on the cell phone what's a house phone

you don't have a house phone who the fuck has a house phone you never know maybe for the fucking computer line sometimes you got to have a little bit of a house phone some people have a house phone besides that I just want to I'm Jewish. I'm Jewish, man. I'm not going to see money on that.

I hear you. I ain't fucking mad. You know me, we got the Flying Jew in studio. Say hello, Lee. Hey, buddy. It's the Flying Jew, the original. I want to let people know that you're one of the top black belts at 10th planet. You're also very health conscious. You've been breaking my balls for the last five years.

And you have a program that you want to talk about, that I want to let people know that they're available to them, somebody who's overweight. that wanted to start working out today, what would be the... And I want you to call in from now on Einstein and touch base with these guys, because I got a lot of guys, I got a lot of fat fucks like me, and they don't know where to start Einstein.

They really don't, you know, and you go to a YMCA, you get on a bicycle, you got your shirt on in the pool, you don't want people to see your titties, you don't know where to start. Where would these guys start? What would they do? What would you do? It's a tough thing, because the industry kind of fucks everything out.

I mean, let me start by saying I've been doing this for more years than I've been doing to do Kitsu. I've been involved in strength and fitness since I'm 15 years old, and it's something I learned from a guy who's already educated. I was going to my degrees and things like that. That's where I started. I was only from a lot of cases just experimenting. I learned from someone who understood what was going on, I didn't base what he was doing on assumptions.

He was a teacher. So, I mean, I was when I was 15 years old, and I stayed with it. And years old, I was already certified. Not that's a big deal, but I was already certified. I was educated somewhat, and I had a job as a personal trainer. And through that, I started learning more and more through other people who were just smarter than me, who did more work in this field. You know, basically the lab coach, the nerds of the field.

A lot of people just base what they do on an assumption. There's a big, strong guy with lots of muscles at the gym. He goes, well, I do this, and I do that. And then everyone goes, oh, I'm going to do that too because he's big and strong. I'm going to be like that. And they ignore things like genetics. It's just a predisposed thing. You know, I used to have girls that come in with huge quads, big leg muscles, big cats.

What are you doing? Oh, no one of them. Genetics. They were born that way. You know, it's like those chicks that go to the gym and all scrawny. And I'm like, I don't want to get too big by lifting legs. It's like, bitch, you ain't going to get too. big. It's not in you.

See that bitch over there that's big. She was big before she's not a lifting lights. So, I mean, there's just a lot of assumptions. The industry is based on assumptions and stupidity and you have gurus out there like Richard Simmons. And people go to this man and believe what

he says, but they ignore what he looks like. That's your fucking guru, Richard Simmons. That's who you're going to listen to. That's he's doing what he says to do. It doesn't work for him. you think it's going to work for you? So there's a lot of misconceptions and misunderstandings,

and people just get desperate, and they watch the TV and they, oh, look, eight-minute abs or an Averola, which becomes a fucking coat hanger, and let me get on a treadmill, which never worked. These things don't work. They do nothing for you.

If anything, they hurt you. I mean, I just yelled at Kenny Foreman via Twitter, which is not really a yell, because he's like, oh, I'm trying out this new thing so I can go running. I'm like, dude, I didn't, fixing your back for the last five, six months. And I am fixing it, and he'll fucking, you know, get on and tell you.

Like, Scottie Fesman's the only person I've fixed my fucking back. Like, if this dude would have met me while he was still fighting, he'd probably still be fighting. He'd probably still be fighting. And he's still be doing it in his career. And now he's going out running. Why's running? And it's like, running.

No, it's not. It's a bad thing. You're putting a lot of impact on your back, and you're hurting it. You're hurting your knees. You're also causing muscle atrophy. So people want to do exercise and go and go. and go and go and they don't realize that their body is actually eating itself atrophy, you know, that's muscle eating itself to survive to keep going.

You don't want to do that. You know, you get to people running and skipping and jumping, and then you get these other things, the pain of the exercise community, such as, you know, crust, cattel bells, and all this nonsense, that, again, it's an assumption-based thing. Somebody had an idea, and someone marketed the fuck out of it. Someone's making a lot of profit off of other people's injuries. I spoke to a chiropractor.

The guy was a chiropractor for the Utah Jazz, actually. I was hanging out with him in Vegas. And he's like, I love this cross-fed. I was like, what you're crazy? You're kidding? He's like, no, no, no. He's like, my industry, my office has gone up 300% and he has got people making profit over there.

He says it's a joke, obviously, because it's an industry based on, dangerous thing. So you're asking me like, oh, how did someone start? It's really hard for me to go and go, hey, do this, do this. And then people go, I can't work because they're already absorbed with nonsense that's on the television service and getting hurt. Well, listen, man, this shit works. So basically, I mean, if we're doing with someone who's super obese, some fucking guy, like in a really, really extreme case. And this is not something I deal with much, but, you know, or at all, really, really. one is unplug that motherfucker ain't do that because I do this on wall the wallcraft and play an Xbox Live all day all right unplug that shit

but realistically you gotta start just contracting muscles and what I mean by that is like if you like you know if I say you'll go make a muscle to a child if you can do anything more she's going to do they to bend their arm and they're going to flex their bicep

and okay make a muscle you're contracting a muscle at that point and that's like a big deal not really if you set that by yourself right now And I told you, start to contract that muscle. Harder and harder. Giving 100%. Keep your face calm.

Keep breathing. Don't make faces. Do not hold your breath. Just squeeze harder, harder, harder, harder. On your bison muscle, that shit's going to get a sick workout. I have you doing that for, like, 20 seconds, harder as you can, and then come down on that contraction, about 25, 30%, and then do it again, 100%, for another 20, 30 seconds.

Keep doing that's about a minute, two minutes, three minutes. Your arm's going to be fucked up. It's going to be sore. It's going to hurt. And you try out and work out your arm. So now you have to learn and understand your body and start to do that throughout your whole entire body. Now, again, I'm talking about an extreme case because I'm fat fuck.

He's not getting out of bed. Then he's got to learn how to contract his legs, his quad, his handstrings, his glutes, his abduct, his abducts, without even really moving. And what's happening now is there's something going on. His muscles are breaking down a little bit without even moving. Breaking down, they have to do. They have to survive. and they have to use something for energy.

What they're using most likely is not, because it doesn't touch a short term, it's not going to be its own self. Like if you're running, your body says to use its own muscle for energy. It's going to start to use sugars and body fats. It also has to repair itself. Now the repairing part goes against the way everyone's doing so. The repairing part is not working.

Everyone thinks, oh, I stimulate my muscle. I better do it again immediately. And then you get these cycles in the gym And the fucking day running in circles And banging the head against the wall It's gonna work, it's gonna work, okay, fine It's near you, it'll work for a little bit But then you get into the whole over-training thing

Because your body can't fix itself So let me ask you this And then the opposite action. Let me ask you this, Einstein, so A guy gets up today, what should he do as a workout? What would you recommend the guy did for the first week That's overweight? Who are we talking about?

What's this guy? A normal guy get up and do his thing Just a little bit overweight? You know, just somebody who wants to get started, do they go for a walk? Do they do leg squats the first week? Do they do sit-ups? I mean, what do you recommend for somebody who just wants to get started? Who wants to raise their metabolic, their rate, their heart rate?

What do you recommend? Physically capable of doing things, right? Right, yeah, somebody who just said, I've had fuck on us. I thought we were talking about the extreme case. I'm so glad you can get out of bed and, you know, the ambulance can't get out of the door open. So yeah, it's the same thing I was talking about that contraction But now we're going to do some sort of movement

So take a guy like you I'll have someone like you stand in about an angry gree angle against the wall So it looks like you're sitting But there's no chair Okay, and now we're going to learn Squeeze the cow muscle Squeeze the handstring

Squeeze the quad Squeeze your glutes at your ass Okay, tighten your abdominals Relax your face Don't hold a breath and wellness And you've got to squeeze as hard as you possibly can and I'll hold you there for about 20 seconds

then we're going to taper down and for about 10 seconds we're going to do about 35% 25% of your strength of squeeze to 100% again it's going to the cadence of 20 seconds at 100%

and you do that for about 3 minutes when you get better you do about 5 minutes maximum and that's you're not going to be able to do it for 3 minutes buddy you're going to fall you're going to be sliding off the wall Wanted to sit down crying. The thing is to keep a calm, relaxed face.

And it's not that big a deal. And as you're doing this and you're sitting there squeezing, and it's easy it may sound right now, if I do it to you, you're done. It's not easy. So what are you squeezing? You're contracting all your muscles. Just standing against the wall, contracting your muscles? Just sitting there.

So what you do is when you get better, you start to feel as if you're pushing your feet through the ground, as if you are moving, like a leg press or squat, but you don't move. You push your feet down through that ground as hard as you can. From there, with no rest, after you two to three minutes, maybe five minutes, depending on. Get down on your hands and knees and get into a push-up position. You start to do a nice, slow push-up, about 10 seconds up. You're not allowed to lock your elbows and rest.

You know what I'm saying? Your arms are straight and you just chill in there. That's resting. You're not allowed to do that. If you can do three to five of these, I'm impressed, okay? I don't see you doing three. But if you can, great. Okay, that's 30, 40, 50 seconds, almost a minute of work right there.

See, people get in the gym and they go to the bench press, and they go with fat, they can. They go, I've got to do eight reps. They go eight reps. And I time that shit one day because I'm the nerd that used to do that. I go to the gym and watch Mr. Bodybuilding and time them. See how long I take them to do with exercises. They're on that time 15 seconds. They walk around the gym and they flex their ass, you get a fucking juice,

grab some water, come back and do another six or eight. You know, every time you stop your body's ready to recovering. So you basically reusing what you used already. Okay. Anyway, we go back. You're trying to do this push-ups to a failure. Your objective is to get to a point where you're pushing your hardest and you can't move. You still think you are moving.

You should be using your imagination. I'm moving, I'm moving on. And you can't go anyone and just drop from there, depending on what you're at, what you have. I thought you'll pull over thing where you're not moving at all. So at my at my jihitsu gym

what I'll have everything circle, everyone circles around a mat, a pile of mats and it kind of looks like they're praying. They're all kind of squatting and they're pushing your elbows down like they're praying into this mat, but they're not moving. Now this hits the back, hard. It hits the ad's hard.

And if they contract it, it hits the bifers really hard. You're just trying to move your heart if you can't. You're not moving. So what am I doing here? I'm doing something really, really safe. He says explosive movements or what injured people. So now you've got some guy, middle age, whatever.

This is super safe for them, but it's more effective because they're working harder. Like I said, they normally go to a gym, the mom will go to the gym, and do eight reps, six breaths, walk around, come back, hang out. They're not working to a physical fatigue, not even close. They're working to a mental fatigue

or a predetermined number of, I must do eight, without ever questioning, well, why eight? Because I read it in the magazine. It's a fucking juice head bodybuild over that told me to eight. Do you, don't ask? You just sign contracts and don't read it comes after you? It's the same shit, man. You've got to understand and question why you're doing what you're doing.

So now we've just gone through three major things. Right there, just those three alone are more than enough. It's fine. You can get into other things like adduction, abduction. You can sit down on a floor and stick with a fucking, a foam brick between your knees, and it starts to squeeze your legs towards each other, where they can't move.

Then you go from 100% about two to three minutes. Do the same thing. Take a yoga belt, put it around your knees. It's as hard as you can. Same protocol. So there's a bunch of different little exercises. But the major ones, the ones that I tell someone that doesn't know,

they don't have anyone there to help them, is realistically just get until a wall squat form until they're going to drop, push-ups until they're going to drop. And if they could sit on their couch and need the edge of the couch to start pushing their elbows through it, get on their knees and push down, that's going to hit the back really hard and take it with a towel and put it around a pole. They're going to pull like they're doing a row, you know, like the row machine, they can do that as well. I mean, a lot of it would have to be there and stop it, you know. But this is the best I can do on a phone.

I mean, you know. No, I understand. Now, where can people find you at, Doug? Where can people find you at? I mean, they can come to my gym, a 10th plane at West Allay. There's a 10th flight at Westallay.com. That's a jujitsu gym, and I understand people don't want to do jiu-jitsu. You know, they just want to get in shape, whatever.

And that's fine. On Thursday night, I make all my athletes do this type of. And then once they're done with the training, they immediately roll. They do jihitsu. They start training, exhausted. They can't move. They can barely breathe. Their muscles are fatigue.

Their heart rate is up. and then they try to roll. If you're just coming in, you come in, do the exercise protocol, step up the mat and watch the idiots try to choke each other. Have fun. You don't have to do the jih Tzu part. You're not obligated. Come in for the day class.

Now, if they come in that class and see you at Jiu-Jitsu and West, is there a phone number that they could get you, and maybe they can train somewhere else where you like what you usually do? There's also a gym's colleague who will get up online. It's called Myogenics. myogenics.com, myogenics fitness.com. There's probably two things that's in the West Hollywood

on Crescent High through Santa Monica Boulevard. Okay. So, Myo, M-Y-O-G-N-I-C-F, myogenics. I just see it, okay. Noggenic Fitness, you can look on there. They can look at a site, look at what we do there. We have weight machines there,

so I'm giving you what you can do without weights. without the machines. Now, I can do a whole static protocol. Actually, the type of protocol I'm doing, I'm calling intensity squared. So I can do that there with the weight machines as well. A recipe of a protocol you should do at a regular gym just because I don't want people messing around and hurting themselves.

Of course, you can watch crap on TV, and they'll tell you what to do at a gym, and people get hurt, and you can't feel them. I'm not going to get involved in that. You want to want to do this stuff on machines, with weights and come. So you can do that at Myogenics or you can do the other one

at 10th climate west of it. If you want to be offended, you can go get in touch with your handle on there. But if you just get up, you know, get in touch with me on there, I say, what's up? And then I should do there. And then on my Facebook off.

I love you, I understand. I'll be in touch. Thank you for calling on a Monday morning, Cogucker. Also, listen, buddy. These fat fucks to get in the shit. Real, real, real important. Listen, me, real important with all these people

is diet, food intake, what they're eating, how they're eating. You can't be lazy with that. I'm not lazy with it. Get used to it. Change the way you eat. No excuses. Oh, I'm going to have, you know, quick McDonald's before I go to work.

Or, oh, this is healthy because it's organic. You know what? Sugar's organic, too. It's not healthy. You don't want to put too much that in your system. Cut your sugar down. Understand carbohydrates turn into sugars when they're in the blood. That's your balance to literally nothing.

How am I my age and shredded? so they eat right and I exercise you're fucking your genetic freak I'm not a genetic freak I'm fucking Jewish you're fucking beautiful

I forget about me you eat the fucking bagels the whole thing don't forget about me cockwick every time we go for bagels they don't have them they insult me

I love you I call you during the week if you were out of the restaurant they didn't have bagels they didn't have bagels they don't have fucking bagels here I'm leaving I'm like you

just happen come on no no what the fuck I don't you don't have fucking bagels You join. What the fuck? Send the Mexican on the bicycle.

Do something. But you got to have a fucking bagel here. Two times we went, they didn't have a fucking bagel. I had an heart attack. That's un-Jew-like. You know what I'm saying? You don't do that shit.

You should have been eating bagels in the first week. Fuck that shit. They got locks. That's my, I hate eggs. So I like a little bagel, a little onion, and the whole fucking thing. I love you, Einstein. I'll give you a call later.

Thank you, brother. Stay black. All right, buddy. You stay black. Bye. I get fucking pissed off, bro. I go to get bagels. I went to get bagels in my some place on LeBreya.

Some little juke-cum comes to the table. Hi, can I help you? I want the bagels special. Let me go check. This motherfucker came back and said, I got no bagels. The first time I let it slyly. The first time I'm like, you know, that's okay. It happens.

Let me just get the eggs, whatever. Fucking second time I go in there, the guy comes over and says, yeah, no, we don't have bagels again. Then why the fuck do you have me in the menu? What the fuck are you? Rouse is down the block. it takes you five minutes to go down the block

even if it's a shit bagel you have something for the customer it's better than sitting there like a fucking mobo and going no I'm out of bagels and now I got to sit there and have fucking eggs or some omelette special you're trying to fucking push me I want Jew food you know what I'm saying let's keep it going for my man Einstein for calling up

he's not the fucking perkyest fucking guy in the morning Einstein you know what I'm saying no but that's the guy and I'm when he said because that's what I want to do I wrestled for six years from middle school through high school, and I loved him. He reminded me of my coaches.

You don't really, for me, at least, maybe some people do. But when I worked out, everyone, they were, like, I don't want someone who's going to be like, oh, you did a great job. I don't mind someone being tough and saying and yelling at you a little bit. You got to. I mean, listen, in this society where we're at in Hollywood here, these fucking people, like I went to, you know, I went to Box Friday.

I went down by McAfoli, who I had a beauty of the beast, and he used to, that's when I first started losing, way that go down there and hit the mitts with him. And it's so weird, like, he'll fucking tell you what's on your mind. But the problem is, we had to talk about that. It's like, dog, a lot of people get offended. A lot of these fucking white people that work at Fox and the CBS, if you tell them you're a fat fuck, they won't come back.

You know, a lot of these people, we were talking about actors, that box. You know how many fucking fake actors are sitting at that place? Sorry about that, hitting the fucking mitts. And all of a sudden they think they're fucking actually Muhammad Ali. Like, I've seen Frank Stallone down there. I've seen a lot of people down there that fucking think they're fucking really Muhammad Ali. And then they put him there like, yeah, they keep bothering Knacking Justin to get in there. And they get bit slapped fucking quick.

You hitting a bag and you hit mint. It's completely fucking different than fighting somebody. Don't ever get fucking confused about it. So forget about Justin, Fortune, that motherfucker. He throws people out of that shit. If you don't do the work, he throws you out of there. I've seen him throw fucking people out of there. He does that Saturday morning cardio killer down there.

He'll throw fucking people out if they're not doing the job. Wow. You don't give a fuck about money. A lot of people in this town, you know, they want to pay you, they want you to take it easy on them. I know jujitsu guys. I know there's two types of jihitsu schools in Hollywood. There's Eddie Bravo's Jiu-Zitsu and like the kid here in Burbank that I called for you,

that he has wrestling in Alberta, Crane. Those are schools that are pretty good jiu-jitsu schools. Then you have other schools that are affiliates. that the guy teaching you is a fucking blue belt and they take it easy on you. These are for business guys that want to learn like they just want to tell their friends they're in Jiu-Jitsu, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah. You see those guys at the UFC with their wives and fake tits and they're like arm bar but they know, you know, a fucking arm bar would kill them. You got those fake fucks that go to Jiu-Jitsu just part-time. They know an arm bar, they know like an obaplata,

they know a couple of escapes and right away their fucking black belts in Jiu-Zitsu, you know, when they're around their wottsu-time. be fucking friends and oh yes he takes you just to oh my goodness you know I'm saying yeah so I think I'm gonna ask you for Scottie's number because I uh I work kind of close to there so that's that's what I need is someone where's your officer Beverly Hills Beverly yes got he's close to that and the problem I have was Scott Scott's a great

guy but I have to go see him in the afternoons and you know what man every time it ticks past 10 o'clock the work the later it gets the fucking worse I want to I don't want to fucking state like I hate working out. Oh I can't do early. Really? You can't do all. No, like right now when you get out of here, I'm considering going early. Like there's a full body workout at the Y. There's a, there's like a span and scope at the Y that's fucking tremendous. That some chick yells at you and she just had a kid. She's kind of cute. She's kind of cute. She just had a second baby. She yells. She's got the ponytail and she does the spin class and the whole fucking deal. You know, listen guys, what we're trying to do

here is you know for years i worked around at 415 i'm at like three something down i got to tell you i used to have this karate teacher uh he used to teach tang sudo and he used to say listen joey one day a week starts a one day a week if you can do one day a week you'll be in good shape so you know all of us that are you know doing this church thing even if you walk man just tweet me joey i went for a fucking walk today i'm starting this process we're all gonna get fucking healthy together there's no reason why we're a bunch of obese motherfuckers There's no reason why we should give a fuck if the Twinkie company is going out of business.

You know, I mean, we're living in the land of fat fucks. How do fuck the Twinkies going out of business? You know why? Because Twinkies suck. That shit sucks. Dog, I love Twinkies. I grew up on tank wiggies, Twinkies, Yotles. I grew up on all that shit in the East Coast.

I remember one time my mother buying a box of Twinkies and Yonels for me to go to Philadelphia on a school trip, I hate the whole box of Twinkies before midnight. I stayed up all night from that fucking sugar. I mean, I was up all night, fucking playing. with my sweat and my mom was like what the fuck is wrong with you what are you doing up I kept lying until she said did you eat those twinkies fuck no

but those fucking twinkies are terrible now you eat a twinkie lately not in the past 10 years I went somewhere and somebody goes yeah take out twinkie they're fucking terrible so I'm not surprised they went out of business but that's why I do this on Mondays it can't all be about kidnapping people and bit slapping your dick suck

we gotta you know break it in here with a little healthy you know I'm saying so thank you very much for Einstein for call what do you got for for Musically. Do you want to do the last hard times one? No, no. What do you got for Musically? We got some black keys.

Let's do a little black keys for your Uncle Joey here. Get this fucking party started. It's Monday, motherfuckers. Get out there. Do what you want to do. I know it's been a little rough. Listen, it's six weeks from the fucking holidays. Where's the Musically?

It's six weeks from the holidays. If you don't fucking get out there now, you're going to be broke at the holidays. And nothing sucks worse than being broke. Hit it Lee. What? Hit it! Wait, look at the look like your face.

Like somebody farted. No, no, no. This is, for people who don't know, this is a live recording. I'm just blown away. You don't think they fucking know? They know. They know by listening to it. Put the music up.

Hit it. Bambow, bough, bha, please I am. He's taking a fart to face. December 21st, that's the end for the world show. Lee Syed. With one eye. Lisa, yeah. The way the night.

What's up, Lee, baby? It's fucking Monday, Lee. Get it together. You're over there for it. I asked you if you slept last night. I did. You're walking here looking like Zombo Jr. You got the beard and shit.

It's 5.30 in the morning. 5.30 in the morning. You got to be up. You got to go to bed early. I do some jumping jacks. I'm ready to go. I had the coffee. I had the reefer.

I had the anti-fucking whatever, anti, whatever the fucking is. I don't even know. I'm going to be blasted the whole day. I ate a brownie for these fucking people this morning. I took a bullet to the fucking head. You show up here. You don't even do a bong hit out of respect.

You want to play with Harry? Whatever the fuck he went? That cock-sucking cat. It's Monday morning. The church of what's happening now. Let me give some shout-outs to some of the motherfuckers. I got to give love to. My man Jeff Donnelly, the podcast pit, the smokers cigars,

Phil Silk, Stephen Ortiz, I love you, fucking talking about the coach house restaurant in Jersey City, Charlie Baker over in England, stay black, you bad motherfucker. Who's this? Ronel El Primo and Dilson Rankin. I love you guys. Don't forget about omit.com. Go over there, get some fucking pills. Start your week off right.

The Christmas are coming. You want to look good. Good at the holidays. You want to show up at these fucking parties with a bulge in your pants and your stomach's low. You want that dick. Put a sweat sock in your fucking bulge. What are you laughing about, Lee Cox sucker? No one, I've never heard. You want to go to this Christmas party with a bulge in your pants. You got to do something. You got a sling dick. It's the fucking holidays. Nobody wants to be broke. Nobody wants to be depressed. It starts today, motherfuckers. Get out there. Go stab somebody.

I don't give a fuck what you got to do, Lisa. I at. I returned to all the emails last night. you guys but enough is enough it's Monday you know what I'm saying what do you want from me I did oh and fucking two yesterday by the way my football let me tell you something I'm they're killing people this year I know some guy called out hit me on Facebook he had 19 fucking picks Ravens this that listen it's hard enough to pick one guy I'm hitting 90% yeah I know everybody's hitting fucking 90% give me a fucking breather I'm 49 fucking years old I've been around the block a thousand times but you've been hit 90% on Facebook.

Give me a fucking break, all right? You had one good fucking week. Nobody can pick 90% of your pick. This guy called me back with eight teams. He had eight fucking teams and roll it with that. Are you fucking retarded guy? What's wrong with you? You cannot pick eight teams every week.

You cannot. I'm 49 years old. I've seen it. I've seen guys get lucky one week and then go, oh, I'm going to do a roll and pick this. You're going to be picking as your ass. The sperm buckets from taking up the ass to pay the fucking Bucky and the Lone Shark. That's what you're going to be doing.

So please. Enough with your nine fucking pick rotation, stupid. People have a hard time picking one fucking game yet. Nobody covered yesterday. I don't think Baltimore covered. They're playing San Diego. They had to be giving them 29 fucking points. Yeah, they came back, yeah.

Yeah, they had to come back and cover. But to win, you know, I had, who did I have? I love New Orleans. They fell apart against the rookie. You were absolutely right. You had Oakland. I had Oakland getting nine points. I had the fucking Oakland just sucks.

Oh, yeah. They're just an embarrassment to the NFL. And I love California. I love you fucking guys walking around and being loyal. But enough is enough. You guys are being loyal to a fucking team with the skulls on them and shit. You think you're cool. This team sucks.

They really suck. I mean, you know what? At least play the fucking game. These guys don't even play. And then when they lose, they start a fistfight. Did you see that? No, I didn't see that. They started a fucking fist fight at the end.

I mean, this isn't football no more, man. This is embarrassing the shit I'm saying. Yeah. last two. Dallas lose again? Yeah, they lost on Thursday. Dallas lost again. Dallas lost again this fucking weekend. Who else lost? The Giants won unbelievably. They killed him. They killed Green Bay.

I told you. That fucking kid sucks against shitty teams, but he goes bananas against great teams. That's just the way it is with that guy. What's his name? Little Manning. And fucking Peyton is on fire. I love that. I love that bad, motherfucker. You know what? I told you. By the third game, I thought they would have knocked them out. Boy, was I wrong.

Boy, was I fucking wrong. He's the best fucking quarterback out there right now. It's true. They run that fucking no-huddle offense. They're going to kill you up in Colorado. You're not going to be able to breathe. And he's got his lungs now. He's acclimated that one-legged motherfucker.

He's going to start killing people here pretty soon. Next year it should be pretty crazy because they keep saying that, oh, his neck still hurts and he's still learning the offense. I think next year. Next year, what about this fucking year? I don't think they're good enough to win the Super Bowl or anything. I'm hoping for Patriots Giants again and we have to What record is?

See that's why I don't like your heart getting involved You have to look at things for what they are What's the Denver Broncos record? Give me two seconds I'll find out But yeah the Fucking Broncos Broncos are tough man

I didn't think they were going to be this fucking tough But they are very tough Wash that pussy Yama stay cock suckers Watch that monkey It's a beautiful Monday to be alive here, Lee. What the fuck? You should know all these things.

You're supposed to be a football connoisseur here. What's their record? Give me two seconds, man. You don't know what their record is. They're eight and three. Eight and fucking three. Who have they lost to? I know they lost to the Patriots.

Let's see if I can find out. Both games or one game? I think they only played them once. Let's find out who they lost, too. But yeah, it's crazy. And then Pittsburgh is down. down the drain. Like, I'm not a huge fan of Rathusberger,

but they can't do anything without him. So they lost to Atlanta, Houston, and the Patriots. They lost the three great teams. Great teams. And that was early on. They lost back-to-back Atlanta and Houston. They're going to get fucking tough. That's the teams that you've got to be scared of.

Because those motherfuckers get tough. Look at this. Exclusive star, Ray Lewis to return. They gave that mother- He's going to return? He's returning. He gave him a fucking knife. He's back, bitches. You understand me?

So that's just how it works out. Lee, I guess. Gotta go to New York. I'll let these people go. I got to New York to shoot a pilot for a few days. I do not know if there's going to be a Wednesday podcast on the air. But we'll definitely put one up

for these people. Okay. All right? So I definitely know. I won't know if I'm doing one live Wednesday morning, but I'm definitely and I'm sorry. I'm not going to Austin with Joe Rogan, Duncan Trustle, and Red Band are going. I got to shoot this pilot and I got to get it out of the way because I got to be

back here just in case my wife fucking bus. You know, I thought I had more time. They offered me a gig in Vegas. for Brian Callen so I can showcase for these club owners. So I got a lot on my fucking plate, so it's no misunderstanding. Also, I want to give a shout out not a shout out. I want to send my

condolences to Kevin McHale. His daughter went after a 22-year-old from Lupus. Let me tell you something. For you guys who don't know who fucking Kevin McHale was, you have no fucking idea. Him Robert Parrish and Bird in the back. You have no fucking idea. So I want to send my condolences

to his family. I can't even imagine losing the daughter, especially one that's 22 years old. And that's it, Lee. It's a phenomenal fucking Monday. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Einstein was what he was, but what we're trying to say is to go out there

and get healthy. That's all I'm trying to do, man. No, and he was, I mean, he sounds young. He's pretty young, isn't he? He's a young kid, Einstein. He's 28, 29, 30. You know, Einstein's a bad to the bone actor.

He's in that movie Black and White, and he goes off on fucking Robert Downey Jr. Really? He goes on a faggot and shit. So if you ever see Black, him white. There's a part when they're on a boat and they're, uh, it's, I think his wife is played by the chick that I went to see

play The Exorcist, the tall chick that was an endless love. I can't remember what the name was, but Einstein is so fucking good in black and white. He tells Robert Donnie Jr., they get the fuck out of his face. I don't want to hang out with no faggots and shit. So Einstein, if you want to check out

Jiu-Jitsu, Einstein is selling Eddie Bravo stuff over 10th planet in Century City. It's weird. Eddie Bravo has a couple different black belts. He's got Denny, he's got Joe, he's got, and I heard that all of them have some alder that's up in Van Nuys and I heard they all have a different way of teaching 10 planet style, which is the high guard, the rubber guard and whatnot. So if you're into that stuff, please support my brother Eddie Bravo. Like I said, on it.com, go there. If you're going to order anything from

the hemp protein to the strong bone, to the fucking new mood, to the shroom tech sport, any of that stuff, please press put church in the button, C-H-U-R-C-H. So people know that they're listening here. I will be at the Madhouse Comedy Club, December 13th. Tickets are online. 8 o'clock, a Thursday night show. Eliza Schlesinger will be across town.

That sexy bitch will be over at the American Comedy Company. I'm a big fan of hers. Go see her also. And that's it, you bad motherfuckers. It was a great Monday morning. I'm happy that you guys gave us a chance. And you're listening to us today. I wasn't that stone today, Lee. I didn't feel that funny.

You're not that stone? Nah, but they all can't be about ha-haz and he-hies. They gotta get some of my little shit. You know what I'm saying? Lee, what music you got to close this motherfucker out there? I have All My Love. All My Love by who?

Led Zeppelin. Oh, you're gonna play a little slow tune today, huh? I don't know. It's one of the Ludd Zeppelin's that came up. Do you want to do something else? Sure. How about a whole lot of love? All my love is slow. It's about Karak dying.

His son dying. You're gonna fucking send me off with Death Cocksucker? you gotta send me off with something send these people off for the beautiful day to be alive type to him you know all right

a little Led Zeppelin a whole lot of love you know something good all right let's see what they got you need two seconds because this is one of the best

jams of all time you know it's funny about three weeks ago I got really I ate in edible and I went to the wine and I was hitting a bag or something

and I usually hit the bag for 35 then I got on the bike by the time I got on the bike the adrenaline and the fucking bag had just put me into it what's going on with the musically.

It doesn't add. It pushed me into a different dilemma. And I listen to a whole lot of love. It's the last, like one of the last two songs on my iPod. Let me tell you something. I hadn't heard, because you take those music, that kind of music for granted. You're like, I've heard this a thousand times. This is stay away to heaven.

If you haven't heard that shit, put it on some time. We ready to leave? Yeah. Hit it. It's two seconds. I told you 20 seconds, 15 seconds ago. So this is the thing about this type. music that you have to, uh, you have to, uh, you know, even though you all want to listen to it.

Here we go. These are the BBC sessions or something? It's just this whole lot of love? Oh shit, we. We don't fuck up with this no more. Don't make me call Dick Syatt. Come over here, bidslappy the death. All my love.

Whole lot of love. Have a great fucking Monday. Have a great last week in November. You got 25 days to Christmas. or whatever it is. Have a great day. Stay black, motherfuckers. Lee, throw him a kiss. Bye, guys.

Blast that shit, Lee.