The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #113 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: November 9, 2021

Welcome to The JOINT..... It's Monday, November 8th..... This episode is brought to you by Blue Chew, Onnit & DraftKings….. Go to https://www.BlueChew.com Promo Code: JOEY & Try For Free! Just $5 for Shipping! Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH Download the DraftKings SportsBook App & Enter Code: JOEY https://www.DraftKings.com/sportsbook to bet $1 on any NHL game to win $100 in Free Bets! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday, the 8th of November. It's your lucky motherfucking day. The joint is brought to you by Blue Chew. If you haven't heard Uncle Joey talk about Blue Chew before, you must have been in the corner crying about how your dick don't work anymore. I've been talking about Blue Chew for two fucking years now. The best.

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promo code Joey and you got a game tonight with Pittsburgh against fucking the bears the rest is up to you use promo code Joey and bet a dollar to win a hundred and free bets with the NHL now if there's nothing else let's get this fucking party started all right I'm all talk the fuck out what's happened you bad motherfuckers it's Monday November 8th a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive and Uncle Joey's joint. I'm representing my little laughing gas, fucking sweatshirt,

some tremendous refra. I don't do the laughing gas. Like, I can't do the laughing gas every day. I got to save it for special occasions, you know what I'm saying? So, like, I can't smoke it every day. So I'll smoke like, uh, I rotate weeds.

I cannot smoke the same weed every day. I only smoke a joint a day. But last week, because fucking the anxiety's going down, I was able to hit it a couple of days. too heavy just a couple hits off the lion and fucking uh just to get some appetite you know what I'm saying just to get some leg kicking nothing in the morning just in the afternoon late night I do it at about 10 but like I said this week there was a few days there were like three o'clock I'm like what the fuck I'm dying a boredom I might as well fucking dip into the coconut

and I'll do a couple hits off the lion and fucking uh I think I did it two days it was great, but it's so weird how I wake up some mornings and I'm like, I got a clear day today. I got a clear a couple hours. Maybe I'll smoke in the morning. I do not have the desire. That's, that's insane. That just baffles me. And that fucking, I got to tell you something, I have not tried the freeze pipe bong,

but that freeze pipe buggler is that the pipe one, the one that you told me, you fucking freeze it and put it. Let me tell you something. That bubbler, because usually I roll a joint, I put a little fucking, what's that green shit that you take out of the weed? Keefe. I have a keef, so I put some keef in there, and then I roll a joint, and that gets me fucking a little zoom. And then I wait like an hour and a half of giggles and TV and stupidity. And then, right before I go upstairs, I go out and hit three hits on the lion. Woo!

I'm fucking done. Every night this one on now, I'm lying to you, motherfuckers. What did I eat last night? Last night I just dipped into Mercy's Halloween candy. I had two bags of baby Eminem's, the peanut ones. Oh my God, they're fucking tremendous. This is what baffles me about this. That I'm getting stone now, the way I was getting high, like when I was a kid.

Remember when you were a kid and you had to smoke and you had to go to 7-Eleven and get, well, there was no 7-Elevens. You had to go to like a fucking bodega and get like chips, fucking the pies, the fucking marshmals. The mallow pies, the mallow pies, chocolate covered with the whipped, uh, covered with chocolate with the fucking that whipped cream that's going to kill you. That's definitely got cancer shit and now that you'll mud pie. That's what they're fucking called. A couple mud pies and shit. Oh my God. You know, when you eat with the munchies, you fucking eat.

Like, I'll tell you the difference. Like Sunday night last week, my wife called me, she goes, we got to meet some kids and parents and shit. meet me at the diner. I like this fucking diner. This diner's got great fucking food. Manalapan diner has some fucking great food. The seafood platter is good. The gyro sensational.

The fucking cream of turkey soup. Let me tell you something. I haven't had cream of turkey soup like that since 1984. The Berkshire diner, Bergen-Lyne Avenue. It was a diner on like 702nd Street when we were kids in North Bergen. We would hit that motherfucker from 1980. from 1981 to 85. It was either white castles

or something stupid, but it was mostly the Berkshire diner on Bergen-Line Avenue. And it was rough, Jack. Let me tell you how rough that diner was. I saw a waitress take a book of matches out one night. Light one of the matches,

you know how the whole book lights up? And she just threw it into the boot at some guys that were being fucking loud and noisy in there. There was this black guy when I was a kid. I do not remember his name. Little light skin brother

Didn't say much In fact he was kind of crazy He would walk around with a long fucking jacket Every night when we were kids We couldn't figure this guy out He would just start walking on 88th street We'd get in a car Smoke dope

You know Go to a bar And on the way home Like two hours later We'd see this motherfucker Just walk in the streets And his black little jacket We didn't know what he was about

We had no idea We left them alone You know even though those days We used to fuck with people One day my buddy was making a right turn. You know, you hit a right turn and it's dark on the street and somebody's crossing the street, not

from the corner, but from the middle of the street. That's why you cross at the green, not in between, cocksucker. You don't fucking walk on that when it's dark. My buddy Pelican went to, God rest his soul, went to make a right turn and the dude was walking the middle of street. Roger

missed him by a fucking inch. And the guy gave Roger like a dirty look like, what the fuck are you doing? So we started yelling at the guy from the car and the guy's like fuck you too we didn't know what to expect from the guy the guy was a little creepy looking and then about a year went by and one night he came into that burkshire diner there's that fucking creepy dude the little black dude with the long fucking jacket on he said something to the waitress he said something like some smart remark he wasn't sitting in a boot he was sitting

at the counter like at the counter at a diner drinking like a shake or something we were watching from the door and he's arguing with her he said something to her i swear to god the waitress picked them up by the fucking throat this little black guy she picked them up by the fucking throat and carried him out his little legs were going like this i'll never forget that we were cheering yeah yeah this was a crazy fucking diner she threw him out anyway the guy started coming into the tom and corkies that's a bar we hung out when we were like 19 crazy cocaine bar they had fucking this uh jukebox the loudest jukebox in the tri-state area. Trust me, I'm telling you, you had a headache when you went in there.

They would play looks to kill by Motley Crew over and over and oh. And I love that jam. Till this day, every time Motley Crew comes on the looks that kill, the fucking car speeds up 10 points. I'm up to fucking 90. Fuck Sammy Hagar with you. I can't drive 55. As soon as I hear like a song I like from the old days, like Errol Smith,

last child, I fucking do 90. That's it. You ain't fucking. I'm like that dude from the. that were doing 156 in the Corvette, that stupid motherfucker. He's never, they're going to put that bastard under the fucking jail. I mean, I feel bad for him. I feel bad for the family of the girl that died, but holy fuck, 156 miles an hour.

They're going to put you under the fucking jail. And you know what, man, that is one thing that you should all worry about. All you drinking and driving motherfuckers, let me tell you how it goes down. When I got to prison, when I got locked up, yeah, there was guys in there for assault and robbery and bank robbery and all that federal shit. But let me tell you what was the number one growing trend in there that I saw drinking and driving. People who were vehicular homicide, that shit, that shit was growing up a storm in 88, 89, 87. when I got to Camp George West, it's a camp. So you have to go there if you have light points.

Like they send people to a camp who have light points and people that have had long sentences and they've worked themselves down. They haven't been a problem at the prison. So they'll send them to a camp. And it helps with their, you know, going out into the real fucking world. I don't know what they call it.

Whatever the fuck it is. So what was I talking about? Who would a fuck know? You know, the transition into being in the street. But one of them, like, they had to be out of 90-something convicts, 100 convicts, there had to be 12 kids that were in there for prison. Now, let me tell you what the fucking prerequisite was for these kids, what they all shared.

Number one, they were all white. Number two, they were all in college. And number three, they were under the age of 24. that's fucking scary when you murder somebody under the age of 24. And all, let me tell you what all those 12 guys had, they weren't heavies, they weren't tough guys,

they weren't even fucking, like, they were very sweet guys that had made a fucking mistake. They had been caught up, you know, for some people it's weed. For some people it's coke, for some people it's pills.

You know, for him it was alcohol, and he fucking made a mistake. He was a kid, I became good friends with one of the kids because he worked in the kitchen. As a matter of fact, I took him under my wing in the way, like protection-wise, because I knew, like, a lot of people were giving him a hard time, so when he checked into the jail, and I became an attorney in the jail,

believe it or not, like one of those dudes that helps out people when they get in trouble. And when those guys come in, that guy, one of the things I have to do is go to the orientation process and welcome them in and explain them. to them the fucking point system and the kite system you know kites is kites is another word for a fucking request or like a fucking note they'll say write a kite you know i don't want people to get insulted go enjoy what's saying whatever so you have to write a kite so i have to explain to them about writing kites and shit like that and then they tell me what they were in there for and i try to put them in the right group or whatever like you know a-a or n a fucking uh they had like conon whatever the

fuck that is. Alan, I forget what it is. All great programs, but I would have to talk them through that and tell them to go what night the meetings and shit. But some of these kids were just, they were scared. They were fucking petrified. And I had to talk them off the leg, like, am I going to get raped in here? The one kid kept asking me, am I going to get raped in here?

Am I going to get raped in here? And I felt so fucking bad from that nobody's going to rape you, kid. And if anybody bothers you, let us know. And then what we would do when somebody was a little weaker, Antoine Spencer, the guy in the Chicken Hawk, the toughest guy in the fucking prison, the black dude that stabbed the motherfucker, I would talk to him and go, chicken, this guy is, you know, he's having problems. This is not his world. And chicken would get him a job in the kitchen and watch him and let people know that they were with chicken and nobody would give you a fucking hard time.

So if you're thinking of drinking and driving, don't. That's one thing, dog. I don't fucking do at all, at all. I'm a fucking outlaw. I'm a fucking criminal. My mind is that of a fucking a jackal. But I'll tell you what, you go in my fucking car.

There's no rolling papers. There's no refa. There's always a lighter. Listen, you always got to have a lighter. Right. There's a light. There's two lighters in my fucking car. Because you always, you know what I'm saying?

Something happens. You pull over. You want to light a fucking fire. Or, you know, yeah, you get pulled over. Whatever. You get a flat tire. You know, you ever get a fucking flat tie on the turnpiking jersey carters are going by? You're doing 90.

that's not fucking pretty and your mind goes into weird thoughts so you light something on fire so people know you're there and they'll drive around because if you think a cone's gonna help you how many people have gotten killed when a cone's around that shit don't deter nobody

you let a fire on the fucking side of the road people go I'm getting the fuck out of you dog I've done it before I've lived fires fuck you ever been out there changing a fucking tire one time I went to a Denver Nugget game me and a buddy of mine and we were fucked up not fucked up but like we were like you know, in a rush to get there.

And we were flying, and it was black ice, and I had an Accura, and my fucking car hit the black ice, and I fucking hit the turnstile, whatever fuck you call it, in the middle of the street, and I had to put a spare on it, like a banana tie dog, those cars were whizzing pime.

You know, like when a car whizzes by you and the whole car shakes and shit, I'm trying to change the flat. It's windy out. I go, fuck this. I'm killing two birds with one stone. I had like a blanket in the back that I used to use when I went on the road,

and shit like that, fuck it. I lit that motherfucker on fire. Within three minutes, I had everybody there. The fire department, the police department, AAA, they asked me who the fire. Who lit the fire?

I got no fucking idea who lit the fire. All I know is I need help with this fucking flat. I'm sitting in a car. They're out there jacking me to fuck up. The fire department. You think I'm fucking kidding you. You know me, Doug. I always, I'm prepared.

You got to be prepared. Put a blanket back there, some fucking wood. If you look in the trunk of my fucking soup, I tell you what you see back there. You see some hooded sweatshirts, some gloves, some fucking waters, just in case you break down.

I got some cat food. I got some dog food. I got a cat collar. I got a dog collar. I got all the essentials. In case you bump into a dog or a cat, you got to bring him fucking home. You ever bump into a dog,

and this is why I brought the collar. You ever bump into a fucking dog, and he's okay. Like, you pet him and shit, and people like, oh, we don't, he needs help. And you're like, uh,

Mino Ablo. You're like a fucking immigrant. I don't fuck. know you ever leave and when you come home you're like fuck i should have taken that dog now i feel guilty the dog is out there all night he could have got hit by a car fuck that so now i see a dog i see a cat i got a fucking collar one night i went to this lesbian bar and long beats to do comedy like 10 years ago and on the way in there was a fucking cat i'm under a car i'm like what the fuck i got to get the cat from under the car so i got on my hands and knees i'm out there the whole LGBT

community came out to fucking help me let me tell you something if you're you can't You got a cat stuck in a tree. Fuck the fire department. You call LBGTQ. They get there within minutes. They got ladders, tambourines, flashlights. Let me tell you something. They helped me get that fucking cat from under there.

The LBGT community shows up prepared, Jack. There were lesbians, a couple trannies in there. They didn't give a fuck. They came out. We jacked up that fucking car. I got that scared kitten out of there. And they fucking helped me drive them down. Why do you think I'm aces with the LGBT community?

I got fucking, you know, my Jimmy runs deep in that community. They know I don't fuck around. I got love for him. I ain't no Dave Chappelle. I'm not here to break their fucking balls and shit. If you want to switch governments, that's your priority. You know what I'm saying? You're like Bobby Brown when it comes to that shit.

What do I give a fuck? Yeah, it's your prerogative. What do I give a fuck? You want to switch governments? It's got nothing to do with Uncle Joey. It's a Monday. You know what I'm saying? It's a Monday, cock suckers.

You got to come out the fucking back. You got to come out the gate swinging. on a fucking Monday. You guys thought that I was some laid down Sally. Suck my fucking dick. I was having some problems when I got here. But I'm back, bitches, in full effect. When I jerk off, fire comes out now.

It's over. You motherfuckers thought I was dead and buried. You gave up on the wrong motherfucker, cock suckers. You gave up on the wrong motherfuckers. Even when I'm dead, I'm not going to be dead. Even when they pronounce me dead and put me in the casket and put me six feet under, you're still going to hear shit from Joey Dears

and guess what? You're still going to think of fucking Joey Dears. Joey Dears ain't going nowhere for a long fucking time. I moved, I fucking, you know, went into a fucking slump. After 20 years, 30 years, I went into a slump. It happens and it's accepted. Now I'm ready.

I'm back. The anxiety is gone. My toenail is fucking still there. Let me tell you something. I did this whole therapy thing on my toenails this year, right? I started January 1st. Right before the fucking surgery, I took tea tree all. I bought like a case of tea tree all.

That's the only thing that kills this fucking toe fucking shit. And I cleaned out my toes. And every day when I take a shower, when I come out of the shower, I dry my feet off really good. And I put the tea tree all on it and I rub coconut all on my feet. I do all this shit. This is what I'm saying to you. It's tough being me. I just don't wake up and you see this beautiful fucking face.

I got to wash hair. I got to fucking, you know, put gel in it. I got to put vizine in my eyes. It's not what it used to be that I could just get in the shower and get the fuck out and I'm out there doing what I was doing. No more. So I started this on the first, and I swear to God, to all you motherfuckers. You know, I stick to my shit.

Every day, twice a day, three times a day. When I go to Jiu-Jitsu, I take a shower when I get a... I take a shower before I go to Jiu-Jitsu, put that shit on my feet. And when I get home and I put a T-Ther-Rov, on my toes. I do it right. I pick up the fucking nail. Let me tell you something. I'm about to give the fuck up. I'm going into 11 months here. And yeah, the nail has gone down a little bit and the fucking, but holy shit. I don't know what I'm going to do. You're supposed, when you have, when you have a fucked up toe nail, you're supposed to take this pill and it zaps the inside of you

and it zaps all the fungi in your body. I got no fungi in my body. I took the medication, But for them to give you the strong pill, they got to do a fucking blood test on you and test your fucking kidneys to make sure that your kidney will hold the medication because it just cleans the fuck. It just zaps you to fuck out. So I can't take the pill because my kidneys are compromised. 40 years are doing drugs. You're going to have some fucking back. You're going to have some backlash. You're not going to be able to do everything.

So I went with the T-Trial. I got to be honest. So you 11 fucking months. It's worked a little bit. Like me and my buddy did it together. My mercy's godfather has got an ingrown toenail. So we had like a contest. Who the fuck's going to get rid of the ingrown tongue?

The fungi toenail first. So we talk like three times a week. We talk about the fungi toenail and shit. He told me about a month ago. He's like, listen, die. That's what my friends call me die, short for Diaz. Listen, die. I'm thinking fucking a pack of it.

And this shit ain't working. I go, James, you got to give it fucking, you got to give it time. You know, you got to go to, you got to cut the nail. You got to go to CVS and buy the buffer and put it on high speed and buff out. Let me tell you something. I got this fucking chair. You know, like your father had, you sit back. It's a recliner.

I fucking earned it, okay? It's been fucking 58 years. I earned the fucking little Archie bunker recliner. So it's got, oh, my God, it's brown, and it's starting to stink between the ass and the feet. It's starting to kick. So I wipe it down. You know me, though. I clean my shit.

You got to take care of your shit. So every couple nights I fucking buff out the toenail You know I buff out There's like three toenails on one foot to that fungi And there's like three and a half on the other foot I got the over on the other toe my left toe The fourth toe is starting to get it and shit So what I do first I got to let my feet fucking dry

And then I got to fucking buff them out So I get the maximum you know Whatever so when I buff out the toenail The toe dust goes all over the fucking place and I wipe it down with the lice-all, and I put another lice-all thing, and I throw it away. Little did I know when you fucking hit that thing, it's like a fucking well.

So my wife says to me, by the way, I looked in one of the creases. The other day when you open up that chair, when it opens up, there's a part like at the three-quarter where the seams separate from each other. And you can see that there's stuff in there, like, you know, like a little weird. Maybe like a toenail, like a cut toenail.

Maybe there's like a piece of a seed, like a salt from a bagel and shit like that. But if you look in, you can see a fine line, like a half a gram of toenail dust in there. Oh my God, it's turned black. It's so fucking disgusting. So my wife vacuumed it out the other day, so we were fucking goofing around. She's like, I had a vacuum out your toenail fucking dust from the fucking seat. So, yeah, I got to start buffing my toenails outside. But my toenails have me at my last hair.

That's what I'm trying to say. They're at my last fucking hair patience. I'm going to give it another two months. Then I'm going to reevaluate. But I gave it a fucking year and nothing happened. They still got a little fucking weird smell to them. I love smelling the powder. Oh, my God, it smells like mildew.

And tortilla chips rolled up together. You roll them in a joint, like the one. and then I put them in a joint. Oh my God, it's like eating fucking mushrooms. You start seeing things and shit. It's better than mushrooms because of mushrooms, you end up with fucking diarrhea. I'm just kidding you.

I don't put my fucking toenail dust in the joint. Anyway, I had a great fucking weekend. Friday. Last week was crazy because my daughter didn't have school Thursday and Friday. When that happens, the house is up in arms because we got to do shit with her. So I take it to the gym. I'm in charge of taking it to the gym, hanging out with her in the morning.

and then fucking, you know, my wife takes her in the afternoon. I do what I have to do, you know, the shit around the house, emails, torturing people. But it was funny. Friday, you know, the UFC was in town. I knew I would hear from Rogan. And Friday afternoon, he called. He goes, do you want to come to the way? And I got my hands.

I had to go to, I had to run errands last week and fucking go to Hoboken and do a bunch of shit. But I said to him, listen, I'm going to be home and shit. He goes, do you want to shoot pool? Whenever Joe comes to town, he likes to shoot pool, and he shoots pool like 20 minutes from my fucking house. When he came to do Madison Square Garden, last time he came, and they called me when they were at East at New Brunswick at the steakhouse there, and they stopped by to see what's his name. But they called me like twice that night, and had people over the house, had kids over the house, I couldn't meet him. So when he called this Friday, he goes, do you want to go to the wayans, whatever? I can't make it up there by 5 o'clock.

But let's do something tonight. He goes, well, I'm thinking I'm going to Jersey to shoot some fucking pool. Why don't we meet up then? I go, well, I got a problem tonight. My daughter was going, my wife was going to fucking bingo, and I got the kid. You know, my daughter was going to bingo with two of the moms on the corner. They bought a table and shit. I was like, you know, I can't.

My wife was like, do you want me to bring home the car so you could go out? I'm like, listen, this is your night out. Go, enjoy yourself. I'll work around it. I'll deal with Rogan. I don't know what he's going to want to do or what time he's going to come. So he called me back and he goes, listen, we finished away. And I was at dinner with my daughter and a couple other kids and their parents and we were just talking shit.

And Joe called and he goes, I'm coming to shoe pool, but I really want to fucking eat something. Let's get a bite to eat. I said, why fucking around? Now I know that I know what type of food this motherfucker likes. Yeah, he likes wild-ass food and he likes states and shit, but he likes good fucking food. Like, he likes good food, you know. So I go, listen, just meet me at Olnito.

And I sent him a link to the fucking website. And I go, you know, no expectations. If you want to go, go, I got a couple other restaurants you'd go to down here. But we could also go to New Brunswick. You know, if you go to New Brunswick, I can't meet you. because I got mercy. So he hit me back and he goes, let's fucking, he goes, I went online

for El Nita. Holy shit, let's go. I go, all right, I meet you there. We kept going back and forth. He's running late. There's a lot of traffic going out of New York City. And sure enough, I got home from dinner. Me and her were doing some shit around the house. And Joe called and he goes, I'll be there

in five minutes. I jumped in the fucking car. El Nito's what, fucking a couple minutes from my house. I went down there. It was great to see him. It was great to see the owner of the joint. We had a nice talk. I went in. I sat with Mercy. Mercy talked to Joe for a little while and it was fucking hysterical because, you know, people at the restaurant were looking at Joe and shit. My daughter doesn't know who Joe Rogan is and she doesn't give a fuck. She knows Joe. She met Joe a few times, but she doesn't give a fuck. At the

end of the day, everybody's the same time, you know. So it's funny. Every time my daughter got up, people would say something to her, like she would go to the bathroom or whatever. I would walk her and they would go Oh, you're a lucky girl or whatever She didn't know if you're lucky for what I'm sitting with fucking idiots So she's over there with her little phone

Watching us and listening to his talk And one thing led to the fucking other And we got the fuck out of there I was I left it That I was gonna meet Joe later on To shoot pool My wife got home early But my wife didn't get home really

And I didn't want to rush her But here's the fucking kinker of the night We get home And her and I are watching some fucking cooking show She loves that dives, drives, and automobiles and shit. You got a Fierry? She loves Guy Fierry and she loves Bobby Flet.

So Guy Fierry's talking to some Indian guy. The guy's got an Indian restaurant in fucking Wisconsin or Milwaukee or something, like the best Indian restaurant up there. And he's talking to him. The guy doesn't pronounce it, right? The Indian guy says, you need to put Brogan in it, something like that. And he goes, Guy Fierry didn't know what he was talking about.

and standing right, the guy's got a Hindu accent. He goes, you need to put the Brugan in it or something like that. And the guy goes, and the guy Fieri goes, Joe Rogan, what's he got to do with it? And they show the picture of Joe Rogan, and my daughter goes, hey, wait a minute, we were just at the restaurant with that guy. Who the fuck is? She didn't say, who the fuck is that? She goes, who is he? And I go, mercy, he's my friend.

He's a comedian. I try to tell you down the way down there. We did comedy for 23 years. He put my fucking career on the map with his podcast, you know, the whole. thing. She's like, wow, oh my God. She didn't fucking know. So I had a show, and then I remind, we had a picture from when she went to

Joe's house and went swimming. She was like a little baby with Joe and his daughters. And we showed her, she's like, I don't remember that. Well, you shouldn't you. We were fucking a year old. You know, oh, maybe you never know with her. So, uh, we left it at that Saturday. I was thinking of going to the fucking

UFC. I really wanted to go. I thought it was a good fight. I thought it was a great card. and Frank he was fighting Frank Yeager I'm thinking of doing this podcast this week it's been long overdue we've been going back and forth for fucking close to a year and uh

Burke Kreischer was in town I would have loved to see him so Bert hit me up Saturday and he said he was going to be at the garden all these guys at the garden and I was thinking of going you know when Joe was here that night I asked him if he had an extra ticket and he goes he would get me in but there was one dilemma that I fucking the fight, the main card started at 10 o'clock. Holy shit.

10 o'clock, you know, I don't know what time I would have got out of there. I would have driven, you know, I don't give a fuck about driving and shit like that. But at the same time, I didn't, there's a train. And the train leaves at 37 minutes after the hour. So there's one at 12.37. There's one at 1.37. So I was like, worst case scenario, the fight ends at fucking 12, 12, 30. if I catch the 130 train

That won't get me home Until 3 fucking a.m. By the time I get in Drink my tea Go to bed It's fucking 4 in the morning I can't I don't want to do that

I don't think I can handle that So I invited one of my friends over He lives around the corner I could tell he was struggling This last week He was calling me a few days to do something Every time he called me I was doing something with my family

So I said listen I'm buying the fight tonight They started 10, you know, a couple people invited me over to their home, like a dear friend of mine said, do you want to come over and watch the fights? And I'm like, if they started at 7, I would go over there, like, usually some nights of the week, Jimmy will invite me over to his house to watch like Monday night football or I'll go over there to watch like the World Series or the Thursday night game of the week. But let me tell you something. Once 930 comes, I'm out of

there because he's got a son. He's got a kid. You've ever have somebody come to your house, Mike. you got two kids like if I come to you out yeah if I come over tomorrow and I go Mike do you mind if I watch the game I think in your back of your mind you're going to go well the game starts at seven the game ends like at 11 Joe's probably going to leave it like 930 quarter 10 you know once your kid looks at you and he goes daddy I'm kind of tired and once they start getting like you know fidgety or shit like that it's time for you to fucking lead so whenever I go to jimmy's house you know I get there on time we crack some jokes we watch a few A few innings or a few fucking, I'll watch the first quarter, I'll watch it until halftime.

But once this kid goes to fucking sleep, like, start to get asleep 9.30, I get up and I get the fuck out of that. The same with this guy that invited me last night. If I go over there at 7, yeah, we watch the prelims. The fucking main card don't start until 10. That means at 12 o'clock he's looking at me kind of tired. You know when people look at you tired? Maybe he doesn't want you to leave, but in my mind, I got to fucking leave.

So now I got to come over here, Mr. Usman fight, and fucking get it. I got to spend the fucking $80 because I couldn't stay over there later. I said, fuck it. I just get it in my house. I don't want to be at somebody's house at 10.30 at night. He's got two kids. His wife's going to come down to says and go, what the fuck. You guys are still here?

So I said, fuck it. I just rented it. My buddy came over. As a matter of fact, what did I tell you? My buddy left after the fucking Chinese chick fought. You know, it's 11.30, 12 o'clock and fucking night. He was like, I gotta get up and do shit tomorrow. So I pretty much watched the Usman fight by myself.

I went over. I got a box little ice cream sundaes from Carvel, the pre-made ones. You know, they're like a little tiny, like fucking 10 points, 10-1 watcher points. I had stuffed shells. I invited him over. You know, he drank beer. I brought down the beers I had from the upstairs refrigerator. I think I got like four fucking beers in this house.

Each one is different. That's the most embarrassing thing in the world. I got like a Heineken. I got a Heineken. light. I got like a bud light and there's like some other one, Snowbird or some shit that somebody brought over here. He was laughing my buddy. He goes, man, when you say you don't drink, you fucking mean it. What the fuck? You know, I go, no, I don't fucking drink. So it turned out to be great. It was great to see Joe. You know, when I was sitting there across from him, I go,

fuck, this is like 23 years we've been doing this, you know, going to dinners and shit. I hadn't seen him in close to a year. The last time I saw him was. It was like July 20th when I did the podcast, and I left August 19th. You know, it was funny. I was thinking about Mike over the weekend. Well, when I was talking to Joe, Joe said, where's Mike? I go, Mike said home. I forgot that Mike was working Friday night.

And he goes, call Mike. See if he wants to come up. I go, Mike lives two hours from here. But the time he gets up here, he'll come up here just to go to sleep. But it was funny that night when I was driving home, I was thinking about Mike. And I go, I remember when Mike called me like three years ago, and you said, you know what? I'm thinking I'm moving to L.A.

And I said to you, don't. Because there's nothing going on out of here. And you were like, what do you mean? There's podcast. I go, listen, trust me I'm telling you? There's nothing going out of here. And that's when I thought about it. Like, I did that podcast with Joe,

and I was still in L.A. for a month. And I didn't see Joe. people had this wrong idea of what was going on in LA we would not like I would see my friends at the comedy store this is why I was it wasn't that I was frustrated is that I was ready for a change it wasn't that I would see my friends at the comedy store from Theo to fucking Lee to to Bert to Joe I always saw him at the store

what got to me was we weren't doing things like we were doing them when I first got to L.A. You know, that's what was starting to bother me. I mean, it's not Theo's fault. It's not Josh Wolfe's fault. It's not Joe Rogan's fault. It's life. You know, people got lives. You know, I always had a girlfriend, but I ended up getting, you know, when you're first dating your girlfriend, when you're doing comedy, it's a very light thing.

Nobody's in love. Nobody wants to fall in love. you don't know what's going to happen but then as you go on you know we just got caught up in our lives you know listen

I lived I lived maybe three blocks from Bert and today I live two blocks from Jim Florentine I see Jim Florentine 20 times more that I was seeing Bert not because Jim's a better guy than Bird

or Bert was never around But it was always busy doing podcasts. He had his kids. With Jimmy, I see Jimmy at the gym. I see Jimmy at the supermarket. I see Jimmy at sports functions. I see Jimmy at Family Affairs. So that's why I needed a couple fucking jimmies.

I needed a couple friends in my life. I wasn't seeing anybody. How weird is that? That I did the podcast on the 18th, 19th of July. But I didn't see Rogel. again till fucking last Friday. That's just to let you know what I was trying to explain to you guys why I didn't want to be a part of that no more.

I wasn't seeing anybody. What good is to have Tom Segura. I mean, Dean Delray lived seven minutes from me, and I saw Dean, but I didn't see Dean as much as I saw Jimmy. So it was like, this has been a big fucking change. Like, this is just to let you know that in L.A. We had our hands loaded at all times. I remember my nephew coming out.

I don't know how many times I had people visit me. And it was like, guys, I'm doing this. I'm doing this. I can't really see you. Like, I can't see you. Like, I don't, you know, if you get off a plane, I want to see you today. I want to see you tonight. You know, that's the way we are.

I wouldn't see my nephew for three or four fucking days when he'd come visit me. I wouldn't see my niece for three or four fucking days. That's not the problem anymore. now I see people now and that's what that's the reason why I had to get out of LA that was it I just wasn't for so many people that live so close together

I wasn't seeing anybody I wasn't seeing anybody when I got to LA in 97 you know from 97 to 2003 we were like a fucking family we were together all day and it makes sense it makes sense when Joe started

doing news radio once Joe started doing Fear Factor once Ralphie started hitting with the fucking you know with the road after last comic standing Mitch Hedberg moved away

Doug Stanhope moved away Josh Wolf got busy with his stuff that little pack that little bond that we had put together in the beginning was kind of gone you know we were all doing our own things I used to see Josh eight times a day I went from saying Josh Wolf eight times a day.

They're not saying fucking Josh at all, except at the fucking comedy store. So, yeah, the comedy store brought us together, but I wanted that little life thing. I wanted to do dinners. I wanted our families to interact. I wanted to have more barbecues with each other. And that just wasn't happening. It's not their fault. I'm not mad at anybody for that.

We just got too fucking busy, and we forgot about what was important. that's it and now I brought all that back up to the forefront the interactions the the little parties you know I was telling people I feel a lot better now because I got into my groove I got into a groove that works for me you know I had to get up off my ass for a while I was struggling I struggled for a fucking a year I've never struggled for a fucking year it's been like two or three months or whatever so this was a fucking eye-opening experience for me but I'm happy I made the journey and I'm happy

you guys made the journey with me I know a lot of people started watching this podcast going he's not the same guy and I wasn't and I wasn't I was in a fucking cocoon I was changing why you guys were watching me I was like a butterfly that puts the fucking cocoon inside you're like what the fuck's going on in that cocoon that's what was going inside I was getting I was adjusting myself

to my new fucking lifestyle and it's great I'm loving loving what I'm doing. And a lot of people, like, even Joe is like, you don't miss stand up. And I'm like, no, I don't miss stand up and I don't miss nothing that comes with it. I don't miss that lifestyle. I'm excited about 2022. I am so fucking excited about next year.

This year's done already. It's over. We're two weeks away from Thanksgiving. In about two weeks, the mind goes somewhere else. As a matter of fact, people are already in the Christmas spirit because they don't even know if the support. if the supply chain is going to bring them enough shit for fucking Christmas this year. We don't fucking know. My wife said she went shopping on Friday, and there were people all over the mall.

She goes, and there wasn't no fucking kids. People are out already. So I'm advising you motherfuckers right now. I advised you last year with the pandemic to fucking start shopping now, get it out of the way. Don't call me on the 24th going, Joey, I couldn't get that sweatshirt. Hey, I fucking told you. Shit's not around. My wife went to Costco a couple weeks ago.

There was no toilet paper. There was no fucking toilet paper. She had to go like fucking the cousin, the CVS, Woolgreens, Walgreens, Woolgreens. She had to go like fucking Walgreens. This Sunday morning I woke up and, you know, they set the fucking clock back. So you woke up, it was like fucking 9 o'clock, but it's really 8.15 to catch me out. and I said, let me get the fuck out of bed. I got to figure out what the fuck to do.

I got up, talked to my wife, had my coffee, went outside, did my, you know, my grateful thing, five things I'm grateful for it today. And I came downstairs to the basement to open up the computer, see what the fuck happened in the world the night before. And we'll talk about Astro World in a second. And a buddy of mine, Lisa Messina, a dear friend of mine, sent me two great fucking pictures

that I had actually sit there and go, what the fuck? And I'll show these to you now. I sent them to Mike so you can put it up for the podcast just so you guys could see. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I'll put it up right next to you. This fucking,

if you guys are looking for a job seriously, just send a fucking resume to ZipRecruiter. ZipRecruiter has not stopped sending me fucking job things. And listen, My resume is shit. My resume is fucking one credit. Like I did it in 10 minutes and I just sent it to him on the phone.

And I'm getting all these job offers. If you guys are looking, if you're seriously looking for a fucking new career and you're seriously looking to fucking change your life, it's right in front of you with COVID. This is opened up. Listen, man, in chaos, there's great opportunities sometimes. And right now there are some opportunities out there that even arms like, Holy shit

That's a hundred $1,000 a year job That they're fucking That used to be 50 grand Now they're giving you insurance They're giving you everything To show up at that job Scholarship

They'll give you a kid a scholarship They'll change his fucking diapers You know They're not fucking around anymore So if you're looking to really step up your life And your fucking game I would put a resume together And start lying

Who gives a fucking? They're fucking hiring up. Right now you can hire up. Who gives a fuck? You'll learn why you're doing it. Who gives a Frenchman's fuck? Go for it. I would.

If I could, oh my God, I've seen some fucking tremendous jobs lately. There's some podcast jobs. There's some podcast jobs. There's some work. 20 years ago, I would have dreamed of those fucking jobs. And right now they're like, yeah, they're there right now. The Boys Club fucking Outreach Director. I mean, there's tons of fucking work.

So if you're seriously fucking looking for a career and a job, now is the time to fucking do it. But we're talking about this picture. I'll show it to you, but you're not going to see shit on here. I mean, it's a 43-year-old fucking picture. What do you think you're going to fucking see here? They've got to tighten this up, but it's a picture of me. On my right, it's David Ruiz and this kid Orlando Salcedo

that was one of the funniest motherfuckers I haven't met in my life. and on my left side you got Louis Hernandez, aka Louisa, and you got Dominic Spatial, God rest his soul. Great picture of us on the eighth grade fucking trip. That's by Callahan's. We had to go to Callahan's up in Fort Lee. Fucking, I don't know if you've ever been to Callahan's.

They got great out dogs, footlong fucking savages. They got tremendous charcoal burgers. But here's the kick. Are you ready? They got Yoooo on tap. They used to. Don't quote me on. that they used to.

And then the other picture they sent me is me, my eighth grade teacher Walter Lindsay, and the man of steel on my left, Mr. Anthony Bousan, oh, God rest is so, my fucking brother from a different mother. This picture, Mr. fucking, it was, yeah, like I said,

this dude here, Wally Lindsay, got 13 years. He got fucking for racketeering, tempted murder. He was my eighth grade teacher and the mayor of, and we hawking look that name up mayor wallie w-a-l-l-l-y l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-he-he-y he was a good he's a good motherfucker good teacher we had a good time with him let me tell you some i told you guys about seven months ago that of all my friends that i'm coming back here to the guys from grammar school are starting to raise

their hand and i told you that i've been talking and i got to be honest of you these guys Louis Hernandez David Ruiz Lucio Fernandez who's a commissioner up in Union City Lisa Messina there's these certain kids I grew up with that we built this unbreakable fucking bond if if if you came to me and say Joey how do I build a bond with somebody I'm like I have no fucking idea how do you build a bond with somebody you I don't know you become part of their life you run with them i don't fucking know i'm blown away i thought i had bonds with other people you know from colorado or people that i did comedy with out of all the groups that i've been around the criminals the comics the fucking invix the hippies and boulder you know i

didn't know i didn't know who i created a bond with and this blew me to fuck away and when i looked at that of us five, Sausato, Ruiz. You have no idea how tight we were. We were all so fucking tight from the sixth grade. I gotta be honestly, it just wasn't that us five in that picture. There had to be 15 of us, and we breathe for one another. You know, my bond with Anthony Balzano, and it's still there. He may be dead, but I feel Anthony.

I talk to Anthony once a week. I look at his picture and I tell him to give me strength and I miss them. You know, I light the candle for those idiots on Monday, all of them. Dominic, Anthony, my mother, I light a candle for them guys. I put a little shot of fucking rum for my friends at the family altar there. You know, and I think of them a lot. They're gone. And I've come across a lot of people in my life.

People in Boulder, people in Aspen, people in Snowmass. And I'll tell you what, man, these guys are fucking tied into me. It was funny because I got two, I woke up to two text messages. I woke up to Lisa sending me those two pictures. And I woke up to Dominant's sister asking me if I was going to the McKinley reunion. McKinley is the grammar school we went to. There's seven grammar schools in the North Bergen area. McKinley was one of them.

McKinley isn't the most best area in the world. McKinley area. McKinley, Franklin, Lincoln, we were all considered like the duds, but we fucking shocked those motherfuckers, you know. So they're having a McKinley reunion, like on the 18th or the 17th. I think it's the 18th.

It's, uh, what is it? 88, 12, wow, 21. The 18th is 33 years from when I kidnapped Ken Vela. So I have a reason to fucking celebrate it was 33. years ago so i'm gonna go out with them for the mckinley reunion have a good time and just uh see some old friends it's good for the fucking soul you know you you got to see some people right before the

holidays i think it'll be great you know i think i'm gonna invite wally lindsay he's got to be about 60 now give him a call make him come out you know we had a lot of good fucking times but to answer your question i thought about how come we had bonds like this with these guys I thought about it all day, yes, you know, last night. And it's got to be because of what we went through together as kids. You know, we lost Anthony. Years later, we lost Dominic. But we weren't just friends at that age.

For us being 13, I knew what my friends were like at 13. I know what my friends are like now. The difference I had with these friends, it was the beginning of me caring about friends. It was the first time that we had. each other's fucking backs. Me and these 15 kids, I mean, it's going to be great to see them. I hope they start to reunion early because we're not going to get out of there

to like 6 in the morning because there's so many fucking stories. There's so many things that happen between us, like as kids, and we were there for one another. That's, you know, fights, family issues. You know, a lot of these kids had family issues growing up. and you see what happened when my mother died all these people North Bergen opened their homes to me

the same thing when we were fucking kids with these guys we like I said if you didn't have money we had it you know this guy his mother hit him we'd fucking talk him off the ledge you know this guy's father left the house and didn't come back when they went out for a pack of cigarettes and didn't come back you know we had him you know it was so weird that at that age

at that young age we had each other we let each other know it was gonna be all right you know for me my stepfather moved out my mother got arrested my mother lost a fucking ball when I was in the eighth grade

all these things didn't matter these guys were my friends through fucking thick and thin you know and it's really fucking it's a great feeling I gotta tell you this is a great feeling it's like knowing that degree worked

or knowing that you know, your kid's going to be okay or knowing that, you know, it's all going to work out, knowing that these guys still think about me 40 years after grammar school that we all talk 40 years after, this is not high school.

I got my high school friends. They're great. I love them to debt. This is grammar school. The thought that till this fucking 40, I graduated grammar school in 1978, to think that we were all going to keep in fucking touch and have the same love we had for each other

when we were in the eighth and seventh grades together because we all played CYO ball together we were on McKinley together we went to the movies together we went to get sandwiches together we smoked pot together we travel I remember still walking up the hill with these guys we would be walking up the hill

and there would be three circles of us of maybe ten people people walking up a hill nobody disagreeing nobody arguing everybody drank miller light you know there was no i remember they would always order miller like and if you ever opened up miller and sniffed the fucking bottle it smells like 10 dead dicks i fucking hated miller but all these things seeing these guys bring me back and to me this is my strength this is where i fucking this is why i excel you know i'm fucking horrible at a lot of things i'm not good I can't fix a car.

I'm terrible at Jiu-Jitsu. You know, I'm terrible at a lot of things. Well, one thing I'm really good at is cultivating my friendships because I didn't have a family. You know, your friends are everything. Friends are your wealth. Your relationships are your wealth. When you have great friends, you're a wealthy fucking man. When you have a great family, you're a wealthy fucking man.

I have no family. But God has given me a pseudo family. And it took me all the way to 58, and I'm very proud of that. And especially today, that it's my mother's 42 year, death anniversary, whatever. Hey, fuck it, I'm fine. She's gone. I've grown up. Everything happens for a reason without her.

This happening to her, 42 years ago, I wouldn't be here. If she would have lived, I would have lived to be a fucking soft momo. So I'm glad it all turned out the way it is. I'm excited about November 17th, the reunion. with these guys. I have no idea what we talked about today, but I don't give a fuck. It's Monday morning, cock suckers.

It's a beautiful day to be alive, and we're here. We made it through another week, and we're going to make it through this motherfucking week, believe it or not. It's November the fucking 8th. We got two more months left in the year, and then it's 2022,

and it's a whole new perspective for us. It's a whole new outlook for us. A lot of great things are going to be happening in 2022. I hope you guys are excited. as I am because we've been eating shit for fucking 20 months. It's time to bust out of this motherfucker. I love you, cocksuckers. Have a great fucking day.

Enjoy the fucking day. It's phenomenal. And I'll see you guys. Wednesday morning, tip-top, motherfucker Magoo. Ready to go. I love you guys. Don't forget laughing gas at the ice cream shop. And I'll see you, motherfuckers.

Wednesday, tip-top, Magoo. I love you, motherfuckers. And now for a word from my motherfucking sponsors, Jack. All right, you bad motherfuckers. I want to thank you for listening to the joint today. I know it wasn't the best one, but what are you going to do? At least we're fucking talking. It's peace of mind.

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Tip-top, motherfucker, McGoo. I love you, Sucke sucker.