The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #115 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: November 15, 2021

Welcome to The JOINT..... It's Monday, November 15th..... This episode is called "You can beat this." This episode is brought to you by Better Help, Onnit & Zip Recruiter….. Go to https://www.BetterHelp.com/DIAZ Use PROMO CODE: DIAZ for 10% OFF your 1st Month! Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH Go to https://www.ZipRecruiter.com/JOEY & Try it for FREE! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

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Baboon. Greetings, you bad motherfuckers. Uncle Joey here with the Joe. It's Monday the 15th of the month We're at the fucking halfway That's it We got six weeks left in this fucking year Six weeks left

In 2021 I'm fired to fuck up My dick is hard thinking About 2022 Seriously man It's been a fucking Roller coaster So I just want this shit To fucking end

And let's get this motherfucker started I'm expecting the surge In December Like it's surging all over the country so we're going to get a little surge in the east coast once everybody goes inside but we'll be alive and kicking by february you just got to fucking you know don't get yourself in no corona situations in december and january so you can see santa claus i mean i don't even know santa claus gonna show that motherfucker he has to show a proof of vaccination so to get into most states

so i don't even know fucking santa's gonna do what he's supposed to do it was a great weekend i'm Sorry about the generator noise. The power went out and the fucking neighborhood. The tree went down. All you could hear of fucking generators and my neighbor. Thank God it was the first thing I got. When we got here, we got here on the 1st of September. And we ordered a generator on the fort because they told us that power goes out.

The trees go down. These motherfuckers don't cunt the tree. I'm down here like, you know, what's that dude that used to live in the mountains? Jeremiah Johnson like fucking trees everywhere. but what are you going to do they go down you fucking uh you live and we got the generator let me tell you you something i went out last night it was fucking dark i mean when you could really see the difference what street lights do for you and it's already dark down here as it is this is fucking darkness on the edge of town but last night with no power holy shit all you were living on was

high beams it really is a fucking uh weird adventure. Thank God. I didn't do shit this weekend. I mean, I did the usual stuff with the family. The UFC was fucking great. Two weeks in a row, Yair Rodriguez against fucking Max Holloway. I did not bet the fight. I didn't even bet yesterday. I just wanted to watch that fight. I was busy and I sat down and I got home for that fight. I think it started a quarter of six. And I got to tell you, those two fucking guys, I take my hat off to them. That was a hell of a fucking braw. They beat themselves up with everything with the kitchen

sink. Oh my God. His foot looked like mine. It looked like my foot without the fungi toe. I mean, it was fucking huge. The fight was just spectacular. And I'll tell you, I was one of the first naysayers of the UFC

when they went to fight Ireland. I didn't think they could pull it off. I got to take my hats off to Dana White. He's done a great job. And I'm sitting there. I'm sitting there. watching this fight and all of a sudden for some reason you know the fight's over i'm gonna eat dinner and i'm about to go upstairs and my buddy uh called me goes go on twitter look at some chick that pissed on a guy in some fucking concert they tona beach holy fuck i was in shock of how much piss came out of that fucking monkey that poor guy he's dead he drowned i don't know everybody

keeps talking about the disaster in astro world what about the disaster in dating that chick with that, God knows what was in a piss fentanyl, what the fucking guy was on the floor, whatever. But when I went down there to, when I went to look at Billy's post about the chick, I saw this fucking video of Connor McGregor mad dogging the TV. Like the TV was on with Max Holloway, and Connor McGregor had his fucking chest flexed and his back flexed. And he's just walking back and forth. looking at fucking Max Holloway, like saying shit, and I'm like, this poor bastard,

this poor bastard doesn't know that this sport isn't waiting for me anymore. Like by that fight last night, what I saw two nights ago, Saturday night, that fucking fight, I was like, where the fuck is Conn McGregor gonna fit in and all this? Is he gonna fight Max Holloway? That's not gonna fucking happen. I don't even think he could hold his own against Jaya.

I mean, you know, time is just passing your body. That's just to let you know, dog. You get injured or something like this in sports. And I've said it before, whether it's the UFC, the NBA, the NFL, whatever the fuck it is. Like, I never knew that the longevity of a running back was three years. I never knew that. When I found that fact out, I fucking died. I was like, that's it.

So that means, like, the guys that I follow, like Barry Sanders and fucking all those guys I liked when I was young. the guy from the Dallas Cowboys and all those guys, they were like one of 20. Like, you know how hard it is to make it in the NFL? You're like one of fucking 20. And that's why you have to take care of yourself. Like, you know, all those great players that are like, you know, the guy from fucking San Francisco, not Joe Montana,

but the receiver, Jerry Rice. I mean, they weren't running backs and stuff like that. But now you understood why they took care of themselves. Like around, it wasn't just a football season. Like, those guys got to lift weights. They got to fucking go to yoga. You have to do so much to be at that elite level of professionalism because that's what happens.

Injuries. An injury could set you back so fucking, like, I go to Jiu-Jitsu. I'm an old fucking man. I go to Jiu-Jitsu, but I know that if I don't lift weights and I don't do a little bit of yoga from time to time and I don't fucking stretch at night, I know I could pull something like I did two years ago with the fucking hamstring. I walked out of the house with a tight hamstring.

If you have a fucking board and you've free, breeze that motherfucker. You know, it's easier to break. It'll just fucking snap. And that's what happened to my fucking hamstring. So that's why I stray. There's so much, it's like there's so much to be a stand-up comic. It's just not, you know, I thought when you got into stand-up comedy, that he just

walked up on the stage and cracked jokes. I didn't know about the writing. I really didn't. If you guys, dog, I knew nothing about the mechanics of stand-up comedy. But I always thought that a guy just called the club and said, what are you guys? guys doing tonight? Oh, nothing. We're just down here fucking eating fucking ribs. This is Joey Dears. I'm going to come down and do like 48 minutes. Do you have a camera? Uh, we could dust one up. It's in

the basement. All right, see if you could tape it because I want to fucking send it to HBO tonight. I thought that's what it was. I really did. I didn't know that you had to write, you had to work out, you had to go out on stage every fucking night. And then when you get to that level of comedy, like, You're like, okay, I'm doing great, I'm writing, I'm doing this. But then you start drinking, you start fucking the waitress, you start fucking lying to the booker, and now you get the other end of comedy, which is, you know,

now is when you have to put the brakes on and go, okay, that's what I'm going to do, that's not what I'm going to do, I'm not going to fuck any waitress, I'm not going to fuck the owner's daughter, I'm not going to do this, I'm not going to snorkeoke. And you see what works for you after a while. You know, you just see what fucking goes. But three, four years ago, you know how, hard it was to be me, like what went into that. I respect those Chappelle's and I respect the

Rogans and I respect Burke Price's not, you know, we don't get paid to get on stage and crack jokes. We do that for free. That shit's free. We get paid for getting on a plane, losing our luggage, having to get up at 5 in the morning, dealing with a new driver that don't speak English, not to mention he's got a stink coming out of his armpit that you can't even sit in the backseat, you got to open up open windows and it's wintertime. You know, these are the things. They don't pay me to go on stage. I do that for free. I do that because I fucking love it. I get paid. It's like when you shoot a movie.

You get, what scale? 680 a fucking day. Oh shit. The power's back on. There you go. See what happens? Guys, you just got to be fucking patient. Everybody was jumping up and down. Mike came. He's like, people going to hear the compressor. Listen, what do they rather hear?

The compressor or the podcast on a Monday. This is Monday. This is liberation here. But so much work goes into being a fucking stand-up comic. You know, when you have a band, when you have five guys in a band, like I just heard something that Mick Jagger books all his own plane tickets. Like he books the band's plane tickets and shit like that. You know, there's people that are very hands-on. I was very hands-on.

People always said to me, well, you need an assistant. That's what I need. A fucking assistant. I can't have. I couldn't tell somebody what to do. You know what I'm saying? Like, oh, can you pick up my dry cleaning? You know what an assistant is in Hollywood for you people who are going to college and going,

Well, I'll get my job as an assistant. Now meet people. No, you're not going to meet nobody. You're going to meet other dog walkers. That's who you're going to meet. When you're walking dogs, you're going to meet other assistants when you go to the dry cleaners to pick up some jerk off shirts. That's what you're going to meet. You're going to meet the plumber on a Saturday when he's out of town at a concert.

And you had plans that your girlfriend, but his pipes broke. And you got to go to his house and call a fucking plumber and wait there like a fucking slave. That's basically what a fucking assistant is to you. I didn't want somebody that could tell what to do. That does not sound cool to me at all. When people call me and they're like, I have my assistant call you. I'm like, I hope he doesn't because I'm done doing business with you.

You know, it's like when a comedian has an assistant, that tells you a lot about that fucking person. I don't want to be around that motherfuckering assistant. I got a guy that helps me out, but I don't need a guy getting me fucking water. I don't need a guy walking my dog. I don't need a guy. You know what I'm saying? I wouldn't do that to somebody.

That's just fucking cold-blooded shit. But anyway, I don't know what the fuck we were talking about there. It's Monday. We got six weeks left in the fucking year. I've had a lot of time to think lately. I've had a lot of time to think about my life. You know, the things I did, what was wrong. On top of that, I'm writing a fucking book.

Which you get daily reminders of your life. And, you know, now we're past a lot of shit. We're on the chapters where we just meet Terry. We're like on 2003 and stuff like that, you know. I was looking at the outline. She sent me some chapters this weekend, Erica. I love her the debt. She's doing a fucking phenomenal job.

And she sent me some chapters. And you got to read them, you know, you've got to sit there and read them. It takes a while. And I wasn't doing much. So I was just fucking reading the chapters. And I started reading, like, the earlier chapters just to see how it's flowing. I think she sent me like, I don't know, four chapters.

And then I had, I wanted to read it. read the four prior to see how it's flowing. You know, it took about an hour. No big fucking deal. But I got to the chapter about quitting cocaine and I was reading through it and I had to stop. Like I had to stop, take my glasses off, stretch my eyes and I had to go, what the fuck am I reading? The shit I was reading was something that, yes, I recognize and yes, I understood it. but it was so real that it brought memories back to me.

Like, I was like, what the fuck, you know? Like, I still remember one of my low points on drugs. She didn't even know it. Until this day, she doesn't know it. I had Terry drive me to cop one night. I was so fucking paranoid at 4 in the morning. It made up some fucking story, and I'm like, Terry, you got to drive me to this guy's house. I got to get weed.

I can't drive. I had alcohol in my breath. I was coked out. at max thank god it was dark out you know she couldn't really i mean she i could catch her staring at me looking at my face to see what the fuck was going on with this kid but you know she drove me and when i went inside it had to be fucking 4 30 in the morning you know when i came out i got in the fucking car and we drove away she didn't know but in the back of my mind she did know you know we went home she went to bed i did my job i did my job

junkie shit and I went to bed, you know, eight hours later in the daytime or something. And a few days later, she asked me, she goes, why were you in there so long? You know, the cops drove by one time and I was like, you know, it just happens when you go in, they were playing Nintendo game or whatever. I don't know what excuse I told her. But I got to tell you something, I read that chapter the other day, like I just read a few paragraphs and it just kicked me in the stomach. I quit cocaine.

I didn't celebrate it this year on the podcast, so we're going to celebrate it now. I quit cocaine November 3rd, 2007. I remember that I started to quit in, like, February, 2007. And I still remember saying this to myself. I still remember where I was, how I was sitting. I had a notebook out and I was journaling, and I'm like, I really want to get off Coke.

in my journal every day and at that time I would write the journal but I would also include weekly goals and daily goals and I started doing the daily goals because I really wanted to get the Coke away from me

so I had to reiterate it every morning I would get up and write you know I want to be healthy I want to quit doing cocaine I want to you know improve my stand up and I want to keep writing And, you know, everything I wrote, I remember that I would zero in on what, like, five or six of the daily goals. And five of them were golds that I wanted to reach, but I knew I could not reach while I was doing cocaine.

Like, I remember looking at them and going, this is fucking ridiculous that I'm writing this out. Because I'm just going to keep doing it again today. But I didn't matter to me. I kept writing it and writing it every day. daily goes, quick cocaine, be a better boyfriend, you know, fucking kill at the comedy store. Everything that I really wanted wasn't going to happen until I quit cocaine. And I remember that Marilyn Martinez died, November 3rd, is the same day as Rick Ramo's birthday. God rest of the soul, I was headed to New York.

I came to New York to do the Hoboken Police Department benefit and the North Bergen basketball team benefit. And I'm not going to lie to nobody that Friday. That Saturday, Friday night, I had the whole broken benefit. I was surrounded by cops. You know, I did my thing. A couple friends went down to the same thing. And I remember that I made a promise that weekend.

I said, I'm going to go do this thing for the cops. Sorry about that. I'm going to do this thing for the basketball team. And I'm going to really, really, really try not to get high. I was really upset about Maryland. I wasn't in my hotel room crying or nothing. But I was upset about Maryland because she had told me like two weeks earlier when I went to visit her.

They sent her home to die, you know, and I went to visit her. And she was talking to me about whatever, you know, about comedy, that she came back to comedy. She wasn't going to curse. I still remember that conversation. I was sitting really close to her. She was in one of those medical beds and it was, you know, up like that. forget that she looked at me when we were talking about just general you know like she's like the hospital suck the food you know whatever and then she said to me you know i'll stand up going and i go it's good

the store misses you and she goes you know if i ever get to do comedy again god wants me to do clean comedy and i'm like holy shit this chick is dying she's talking about god and shit you know like i'm like what the fuck and she just kept telling me what she was going to do if she'd be cancer she was going to do comedy she was going to be clean she was going to lose weight she was going to take care of the self she was going to do all these things she said that she had been slipping with her life and that's why she got the cancer and shit like that and that she didn't want to die we had a great fucking chat and in the middle of all that chat she was talking about god and you guys know when people mention god i get fucking nervous it's like a fag with a whistle i just i don't like it i got a friend that

talks about God all the time. I love him dearly. Every time we talk on the phone, he throws like 20 gods at me and shit, and I'm like, wow. But I love him to death and I got to fucking put up with it, but that's his bag,

so I don't even know what the fuck I was talking about. But anyway, Maryland was going to tell you. No, no, I was just fucking around me. You know, people who talk about God a lot drive me fucking crazy. And Marilyn, I love Marilyn dearly, and she's telling me all this shit

about what her plans are. In the middle of all this, she goes, and God wants you to stop doing cocaine. And I remember looking at her and going, where the fuck did that come from? But I was like, okay, Marilyn, I'll work on it. She's not like, no, God wants you to stop doing it, Joey. And there was people in the room. Nobody heard her say it to me, but I was kind of embarrassed because she was just doing what a good friend would do. She was like, these are the reasons why you got to quit Coke.

You know, you have, God wants you to quit Coke. you got to quit you know these are the reasons why you're going to be a better person you're going to be a better comic and all this shit i'm like i don't see that you know i didn't see that not that i didn't see becoming a better comic or a better person i never saw myself quitting coke it just had such a hold of me and by the time that shit happened with maryland i was already experiment i was already experimenting what the fuck is wrong with me i was already doing heroin on monday nights i mean i was already doing heroin on monday nights i mean i I was fucking down, you know. But I remember being in that, I was in a hotel room in Seacawks, New Jersey, I forget those hotels, what they called.

It wasn't the best hotel in the world. Hotel six. Yeah, it wasn't even a motel six. It was something else. And I remember sitting there going, what the fuck? You know, when I got the call at Maryland Dial, I'm like, what the fuck? And I had called my buddy to start looking for fucking blow already. I go, look around, you know, let me know if you could find something.

It was Friday night. I was coming back from Hoboken, and that's when I got the call that Maryland had passed. I remember I got back to my hotel room. I'm like, wow, Maryland went, you know, this is not good, blah, blah, bah. You know, I felt bad for her husband. You know, Maryland was good at the comedy store. She was great at the comedy store. I felt bad for the store.

They were going to lose a good soldier. I remember my friend calling me going, listen, I get the package, but I could be there at midnight. and I remember sitting there closing my eyes and going, you know what? I'm going to not do Coke tonight for Maryland. I didn't say that to him. I said it to myself. I go, I'm not going to do Coke tonight, tonight.

November 3rd, I'm not going to do Coke, just for Maryland. And I remember that I hung up the phone with him and I'm like, fuck, I made a mistake. You know, like, fuck. And I'm like, you know what, let's try it. Let's try it. Smoke a joint, watch some TV, do something different. And I remember, like, at one in the morning, I was like, wasn't that bad. Wasn't that bad. And I went to sleep.

Saturday I woke up. My friends were picking me up. We're going to eat this, that, the cemetery. And I went to do my show in North Bergen that night, and where I could get Coke was right there. Like three guys came, and they're like, we got a package if you need it. I'm like, okay, good to know. and I remember that I went into the back they didn't have a green room

this wasn't like a comedy club and I went in my pocket and I took out like whatever $125, he said he had a half-eighth or something like that and I remember I put it like I separated it from the other money and put it in my right pocket

so I can make the drug transaction nice and clean, you know what I'm saying? Just give it to him put it right back in my pocket and I remember I bumped into him like twice like after the fucking comedy show we talked a little bit and I kept telling him give me 10 minutes

I'm waiting for a friend of mine to call me to see if I should pick up an eight ball or whatever. I told him that like two or three times and I finally go, you know what? I'm in C caucus. He'll take any of these drug dealers will take him 15 minutes to bring it to me. Again, I'm not going to buy it.

I'm just going to fucking go home and if I need it, I'll just call him, he'll bring it. I went home that night, started packing, thought about my week upcoming, fell asleep, got up, got on the plane and came home. I'm on the plane ride from Newark to L.A. I was like, I can't believe.

I didn't get high two nights in a row. Guys, that might not be anything to you. But at that time, I couldn't keep it together for more than a fucking day. I was at that point already. I was trying to space it out two days, three days, and I get high again. You know, I was telling somebody asked me, how am I feeling lately about three weeks ago. And I said, I'm feeling great. But my mind feels like I did Coke last night.

Like I couldn't grab the focus. Whenever I did Coke the night before, I wouldn't have good comedy sets. It was just a given. Like my sets were going to be 50%. You know, I don't, because when you do stand-up, you have to, those words have to go through your heart. That's the, you ever have like a stereo system and you have to adjust the bass and the treble and the volume, all that shit. and then the music sounds good.

When you do stand-up comedy, you have to do the same thing. You have to adjust the levels to your heart because the material, the jokes pass through your heart. If you got no heart, it doesn't have a fucking filter. And that's why Aerosmith was having a hard time performing live all those years. Black Sabbath was having a hard time performing live all those years. They'll tell you what you, you know, Ringo Star.

You remember Ringo Star for years and friends have put together, of fucking tours and shit like that. They never finished the tour because everybody gets coked out. Ringo Star put out a fucking tour and a live concert that he sued the production company because they didn't want it to air because everybody was so fucking coaked out and so

wasted. This is no fucking joke. You know, it's funny. You know, everybody goes on Ringo Starr. You know, that Ringo Starr is great. I love Ringo. Just the fact that he's still alive, he's got a great fucking attitude. This guy knows he was the lucky

man in the fucking world. There's some people walk around their whole fucking life that didn't really they accomplished something, but they, like me. Listen, I started acting like stand up. I just got lucky, but with the acting it was because of big pussy and

the soprano. Everybody wanted a double big pussy. And I was right there to fill the fucking void. And listen, they got my foot in the fucking door. So what am I going to complain? What I'm going to tell? You know what I'm saying? Like, what am I going to fucking cry about it? so when I fucking got back to LA I'm like I don't know how I'm gonna keep this going this two days

ooh two fucking days that was now I had already met with those guys for boiler maker I did this movie boiler maker that I fucking loved the movie I loved the script when they came to me it was supposed to be a big budget production but then they went on they could only come up that that movie's so funny boiler maker because the guy that set that whole deal up was a guy let me just tell you about L.A. Okay, for that, this is funny.

You're gonna, you guys gonna love this story. I'm a fucking creep. You understand me? I put guns to people's heads. I've done some shitty fucking things when I was young. That was a long fucking time ago. Today I'm a nice Christian fucking man or whatever you want to say.

I get, I don't bother nobody. This motherfucker, this is why I say to you guys that Hollywood people are just fucking nuts and they'll do anything and last year like i'm still i'm gonna do a podcast pretty fucking soon i'm gonna lay it out for you motherfuckers like i'm still a little pissed about what they did to delia and those guys last year i'm not i'm fucking furious that they went after delia especially knowing that delia was slinging dick every fucking night and it wasn't the lea that was on

it was like he was addicted to sex women were throwing them at fucking Chris DeLea. I'm sick and tired of hearing this shit about, oh, well, even with me, well, Joey got this dick, what do you think? Those women were forced to suck a dick? Those women knew exactly what they were going to fucking do, okay? And I'll get fucking 10 people to come in here and tell you the fucking same story. If you don't know Hollywood, shut your fucking mouth about it.

You don't know how creepy it is. You don't know what the extent of what people would do. Who would fuck Harvey Weinstein? Have you taken a good look at fucking Harvey Weinstein? You ever look at a guy? I don't know if you're a guy or a female. If you're a guy, you ever look at a guy and go, Robert Redford is a good looking fucking dude.

Doesn't take a genius to look at Brad Pitt and go, that motherfucker gets his dick sucked anyway he wants. He gets his dick sucked on a blind farm. You know what I'm saying? There's just some motherfuckers. Even a man will go, that doesn't mean I'm gay or I have feelings for the guy. I'm just saying, you look at a guy and you're like, You know, you gotta admit, Chris Cornell was a good-looking dude.

Him being able to sing and play the guitar, put him over the top. They just throw a pussy at them. You know, they're just throwing it at them like a fucking frisbee, you know. But the creepiness of L.A. What happened in the last two years where all these people get waking up and saying that this guy did this to me and this guy did that to me, let me tell you something. You put yourself in a bad position.

Let's dig deep into this fucking situation. What were you doing at that comedy club anyway? dog, I can tell you stories for hours about women that went up there looking for something to do to suck a dick to advance their careers. That's what they were doing with Harvey Weinstein. When you look at Harvey Weinstein, even if you're a guy, you look at him and go, Jesus Christ, he's a bit rough. You can tell his feet smell. You could tell his ass fucking stinks. It's like looking at me, you're like, Joey's feet stink.

I can tell by looking at him. He's a fat dude, his asshole definitely fucking smells. He talks about restaurants and shit all the time. You know, his balls stay? You ever just look at somebody and go, I could tell him. that dude's got stinky fucking bread or whatever. You know, you could tell fucking, whatever's fucking name is. Harvey Weinstein is a fucking pig.

But guys, the fact remains the same. Women sucked his dick to get on fucking TV and film. That's the bottom line, guys. You can never take that away from him. He didn't put a gun to their head. Nobody said anything about guns or whatever. It was just a straight-up deal. I got a roll for you.

you sniff my nut sack the role is yours you know let me go home and think about it two days later they come back with binaka you know with their head down with one eye on you know i think i want to do it but i'm not sure i've never done this before no you've never done this before you've been working

men all your fucking life you know and now you're working it to the extreme fucking height that you could do it and that's what's going on in fucking hollywood but let me tell you the other side of the guy that got this movie you ready for this got a DUI got arrested

he got court-ordered you know DUI therapy and he got court-ordered AA meetings he went to a couple AA meetings until he realized that a lot of industry was there

so what he did was he fucking did the program for 90 days did the fucking whatever this guy had big money so he paid the attorney got off whatever. I'm not mad at that. I'm not mad at anything. To be honest,

I'm just telling you what people will do. This guy was getting high. I still remember him, like, being at gigs and going, he was like a manager, and he would come to see his clients. And I still remember, like, him drinking, having a conversation with him,

and him going, oh, shit, I can't drink tonight. And I'm like, what do you mean you can't drink? I can't have alcohol in my breath. I got to go to a 9 o'clock a. meeting. And I'm like, do you drink and go to IA? He goes, I go to IA for the connections. You can't beat him.

He goes, all you people are fucking stupid. He goes, just fake it. Go to the fucking meetings. You know, tell him that you are trying to get sober from coke and whatever. And they, you know, Theo Vaughn met, what's the guy that was raping kids and shit? He, the people, the guy from American Beauty. Oh, uh. Yeah.

Yeah. The guy who was fucking, he got canceled for fucking, you know, the guy who played Kaiser-Sosay, whatever, that guy, Theo Vaughn was hanging out with him. He met him at AA. I don't know if you got, you know, AA in Hollywood is a wide open fucking shoot him up. But anyway, this guy would go to meetings. Kevin Spacey, you know, yeah, Theo was friends. I remember calling Theo one morning. He's like, I got to call you back.

I'm having breakfast of Kevin Space. I'm like, Kevin fucking Spacey. How did you meet Kevin Space? Like, I met him in AA meetings. I'm like, what the fuck? You know, I tried to go to a few AA meetings in L.A. When I was first trying to get clean, they're not good. They're fucking, you know, I like the Newark meetings.

In 85, Mr. T took me to a couple meetings in Newark. Oh, my God. Those AA meetings are raw. People like, I drank a pint a day, and people would yell, fuck you! I was doing a gallon of vodka. Shut the fuck up, you fucking pussy. I was eating pills.

I was snorting heroin. and you're in here for a pint of vodka, go fuck yourself. I'd be fucking owling. But in AA, it's like this fucking fake scene. Like, oh, how are you? I've been clean for fucking, you know, three weeks, and my burps still smell like sperm, you know, the whole fucking deal. You know, so I went to a couple of AA meetings,

and I'm like, this is not going to work. But he would go to AA meetings to fucking connections and shit, and that's how he picked up the bad. I'm not mad at them. But I want you to think of what was done. here. And then I saw the show I was on on Showtime about Comedy Store.

You know, I'm dying up here, whatever. And I think one of the guys for stage time used to go to AA meetings and just get up there and do 10 minutes and shit, and then they got mad at them. But then, you know, you look at that.

That's completely, I don't know if that's fucking different. But then, you know what, guys? When I was a fucking open micer, there was a poetry meeting. and I used to crash the poetry meetings. I was going there with like a skinny cigarette. And, you know, just like, yeah, like Capri son, the light. Capri, whatever the fuck.

Yeah, I can't believe you remember Capri. They had a little faggy cigarettes. They're skinny. Oh, you don't know how many nights I ran out of Camel Lights when you're doing Coke. And you got to go for that fucking somebody else. I used to get eye with this chick all the time. Oh, my God. She used to drive me crazy.

I didn't even go over there for sex. I just kind of liked her to talk to her on drugs. but she was a boozer she would wear me to fuck out many a night I was over there smoking Camel lights I'd run out of cigarettes and start smoking a little faggy capris

oh my God they got me dizzy and gave me a headache and they were fucking skinny and shit you're over there fucking sucking the fucking capri like the penguin I would show up at those fucking

poetry readings in Boulder but that's completely different a AA meeting has a god around them like you're looking for a higher power and all that shit so I had to take a minute minute from the podcast to talk to you about Better Help online therapy. I've been working with

Dana now for about five months from the beginning of my taper and she's been nothing but knowledgeable, helpful and tremendous. We talk about Better Help a lot on this show and this month we're discussing some of the stigmas around mental health. Many people think therapies for so-called crazy people or weak people, but therapy doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It means that you're recognizing your emotions and you're ready to learn to control them like I had to. Therapy's a tool to utilize before things get worse. Better help is customize online therapy. They offer phone, video, and even live chat sessions with your therapist.

In my case, it was Dana. You don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy. You don't need to be a millionaire and you can start communicating with your therapist in less than 48 hours. Give it a try. Go to BetterHelp.com right now, pressing Diaz. And what I'm going to do is

I'm going to give you the first month, 10% off your first month, when you go to BetterHelp.com slash Diaz. That's BetterHelp. B-E-T-E-R-H-E-L-B-L-E-L-B. Take control of your life. I did, and I'm feeling 100% better. Thank you for watching the joint, Cox.

You know, it just bothered me, but I remember when I went to meet with those guys for the movie, and it wasn't him in the room, because he would never say this to me. And one of the guys said, you know, you have a drug abuse problem, a substance problem, and we want to know that you're going to have it in check during this movie. And I remember that I felt like shit when he told me that I was very fucking embarrassed about that because I didn't want my drug used to fall into my comedy and then. to my acting, but at that point, it had. Stand-up was affecting, you know,

towards the end of the longest yard. My relationship with them was not any good. My relationship was intact with Adam, but the producers knew about my substance abuse problem, and I just shunned it off, you know. And when I went to talk to these guys about Boilermaker, if you could find the movie rented, it's not a bad movie. I did a good job in the movie.

That's the first time I was really, loose in a movie. I had to be there 20, I don't know, one days in a row for this movie. So when they offered me the movie, that was the, yeah, that was the fucking, I was like, I don't know if I could do this.

And I wanted to talk about this today, but I didn't in a way, but I thought that I've been reading a lot of the messages again lately. A couple people on Patreon. A couple people on Facebook, couple people Twitter, you know, reach out to me. And people are struggling with drugs. They're finally coming to the conclusion that they're struggling with drugs.

This last two years has been very hard on some people. It was hard on me. I struggled for a little while. So I know that it was hard for a lot of people. So I want to just let you know that you're not alone and that you could beat this. You know, I thought about this last night about the podcast, how I was going to present this to you. The name of this podcast is called How You Can Beat This. Because the thing that kills us the most is human beings is when we go to do our goals, we think about them.

And while we're writing them, we real, I got to be honest with you guys. When I first started writing goals and doing all this type of shit, I thought I was just kidding myself. And I thought that I never thought I'd be on TV. I never thought, you know, when I tell you these things, guys, I'm honest with you guys. I was in such a bad shape mentally. I mean, my stand-up was good. I was attentive.

I was enthusiastic. But I never thought I could do anything because of my drug record, because of where I came from, and because of my felonies. And that was a bad, that stinking-thinking is what they call that shit, right? They call like, stink-thinking. Sorry about the water bottle guys, but it's part of growing the fuck up, you know.

I can't get away from what, I'm going to do a pack of class with ice cubes, and then you'll complain about the fucking ice cubes. If I get a fucking lunch thing, one of those canteens, you'll complain about the fucking canteen. So at the end of the day, you're going to complain about everything. So who gives a fuck? Let me drink my water in peace and get hydrated here so I can have a good week like you, cuck, suckers. But my point being is that I just, you know, don't ever, when you're thinking about your sobriety, when you're thinking about your goals, when you're thinking about, your goals, when you're thinking about. the things that you want to do.

Don't write yourself off. I did that. I wrote myself off. And listen, I still got to the places where I wanted to get to because I consistently wrote my goals every fucking day.

You know, like right now, I'm going to go into deep waters. I'm putting myself into deep waters. I've got to change my life around. I'm very close. So what do I have to do? I got to start writing daily goals. Yeah, I journal.

Yeah, I do quality goals. But you know what? Start tomorrow fucking. Starting today, as a matter of fact, with this podcast ends, I'm going to start the daily goals because it's Monday. And daily goals could be anything, but my daily goal for years was to quit cocaine. And then I would put down quick cocaine.

How are you going to quit cocaine? That was the fucking thing. I didn't know the three things to answer. That's the other side of writing your goals. When you write your goals, it's so number one, quick cocaine, A, B, and C. How are you going to quit? What three things are you going to do to quit? Do you know what the crazy thing with me is?

I can never fill out A, B, and C. So for me on a daily basis, when I wrote out my goals of quit cocaine, I didn't even know how to start to get there. How do you quit cocaine? You go to A,A, I tried that. You go to NA, I tried that. You go to a rehab, I tried that. I tried an outpatient rehab, not a six-week in there.

a bunch of momos chanting kumbaya i mean i tried you know i tried all that you tried talking to a priest they wouldn't even take my calls anymore i talked to so many fucking priests so i wouldn't write anything down i didn't even know where to start i remember that one day like in november when i came from maryland's that sunday that next day i thought about i go okay fucking Marilyn hit me with a message from God, you know, like a message in a bottle. She was like fucking, you know, the singer from the police,

she gave me a little message from God, okay, how am I going to do this? And I remember writing down the fucking most cliché, as gayest thing ever. I wrote one day at a time. I don't even know why I wrote that. I just, I didn't think of AA or nothing. I just wrote one day at a time.

I'm going to quit this? One day at a fucking time. And I remember I came back I had three days of being fucking sober And I got back on a Sunday And Monday morning I was four days of being sober

And I felt like I had fucking spiders in my skin I'm like this just doesn't feel good Man And I was looking at the calendar Like that Friday I had a spot That Thursday had a spot And I'm like I don't think I'm gonna make these fucking spots

I just don't think I'm gonna do this shit shit. So I said, fuck it. I'm going to start shooting a movie on Thursday. That movie started on a Thursday. I got back from Jersey on a Monday. That movie started on a fucking Thursday. And I'll never forget that I was like, it was three weeks from Thanksgiving. We were going to end the day after Thanksgiving. So that Friday, and I was like, how the fuck am I going to fucking stay sober for three fucking weeks. I got it. I'll buy a bottle of NyQuil.

I'll pull a J. Moore. I'll buy a bottle of NyQuil and NyQuil myself to debt every time I have a fucking craving. You know, every time I have a fucking craving. So I did the NyQuil trick Thursday night. I think I did the night cool trick on Wednesday night. And I did the fucking NyQuil trick on a front. Friday night. It makes sense now. And that fucking Saturday night, I fucking went to the comedy store. A benefit from Maryland that Monday. I'll never forget it. I'm like, how am I going to fucking

hold it together? And that Saturday night, I said, fuck it. I'm not going to hold it together. A package at the store. One little package, just a quick 50. It's just something to, and nobody would know. I was like, I'm not going to be able to fucking do this. I'll never forget I got in the car. I closed the car. And as I got to the bottom of the hill, the phone rang. And it was my wife. And she goes, listen, I'm going to bed.

I got to get up early. But when you come home and you go to the bathroom, the two cats are in there. They're not doing too good. And I'd be surprised if they made the night. It was super bad and fucking J.T. Whatever, Demi Jr., DJ. JT.

DJ And I was like What the fuck are you talking about? I was heartbroken in the car about DJ I was about two or three weeks From bringing DJ up to the fucking apartment He was just a little kitten Super bad

I wasn't too fucking crazy about I did not like him at all Because he would make DJ Run off and climb trees and shit I'm like I'm gonna kill this fucking cat one day I'd wake up in the mornings and Superbad would have DJ out in the fucking sidewalk. I had a fence there, and he would have him out on the sidewalk.

I go, these cats are going to get hit by a fucking car. I got to bring this motherfucker up. Too late. My wife called me. I was headed back from the store, and she's like, like I said, when you come up the stairs and you walk in the back room, be careful when you open the door because the two cats are in there. And I remember I went home, and I fucking, I did a line.

Put the Coke away. I put it all in my purse. pocket and I remember looking and what the fuck I got two cats that about to die in my bathroom and I'm doing fucking coke in the bathroom I would never ever bring coke upstairs I always would bring the package pull into my garage then it wasn't a garage it was an outdoor garage there was no door that went up or down you just pulled into it I don't know if you guys look at the old joey karate videos those garages those were the garages and I pulled in I would pull in it and I got no reason to lie to you, motherfuckers.

I would buy a gram of the strongest coke you get your hands on, and I would pick it up two blocks away. And on the way home at the first light, which was not LaBraya, but it was the next street after LaBreier guys, you're going to have to remind me the big main street. And I would pull up to the light, and they would usually be a car in front of me. And it was a fountain and whatever the street was.

There was a gas station over there. We were talking about Marky Mark before. His family, the Warburgs, their sandwich place. The Warburgers is right there on that street. So it's like whatever. There used to be a sushi place there. There was a yogurt place there. But now today, just to give you a landmark,

there's a fucking Warburgers is there. At that light, I would crunch up. As I was driving tonight, light. He would give me a bindle like a baggie with one coke rock in there, maybe a little tent of powder, and I would crack that soft rock up with my hands, because if the rock is hard, it's been re-rocked. If it's soft, it's the real deal, Mongoli field. That's delivered from Pablo that way. So I would get the rock crushing in my fucking finger, roll up a dollar bill, and at the light, with a car in front of me and a car behind me, I put the dollar bill in the bag,

and I just put up to my nose and go, and whatever I snorted, I snorted. If three quarters of the bag went up, three quarters of the bag went up. If half of the bag went up, half of the bag went up. I didn't give a fuck. I would fucking just do that.

And then, when I'd pull into the house, I'd have a little bit of the fucking juice in me. You know what I'm saying? I'd have a little bit of the juice in me, and I'd fucking, when I pull into the garage, I'd close the gate, and I'd go to my garage, and I'd finish the other half of the bag, and then I'd run upstairs, and I'd take a two-foot shit

from all the coke and the adrenaline running through your veins and shit. So that's exactly what I did that night. I did a little bump upstairs, but for some reason I brought the coke with me in my pocket. I ran up the fucking stairs, and I opened the bathroom, and I went to shit, and there was Super Bad and Demi, and I had the last fucking Bindle and I fucking did a fucking line

in front of the cats and I remember how bad I felt like I was out there all night just feeling fucking terrible you know I'm like how can I bring this into my fucking house so I took the Coke I flushed it

and I said that's it and I jumped in my fucking bed and I went to sleep my wife woke me up in the morning and she's like Joe I just want to tell you that DJ died while you were sleeping. I was about to bring DJ up.

I told her just to close the door and I was fucking heartbroken as shit. I went, I said, fuck this. She goes, what are you going to do with Superbad? I go, I don't know. And I remember getting up, going in the bathroom, getting on my hands and knees and going, God, you know what?

I don't like this fucking cat at all, but he can't die. He can't die. You took one cat because I did Coke in the apartment. I would never do Coke upstairs. I broke the rule one time and you took a fucking cat. You can't take the other cat. If it means me not snorting Coke,

I'm making you this promise right now. I'll never fucking snort Coke again. And that was it. I remember going to sleep, waking up that afternoon, doing Coke. Not doing coke. Doing comedy that night. And I remember that I had three,

weeks to shoot that movie. I was petrified as fuck. You know, I think back now, I was scared of getting clean. How fucking crazy is that? Like, I was scared of getting clean. You know, I know that there's a lot of you guys struggling right now with opioids or drinking or the pills. And I know that when you wake up in the morning, you look at the ceiling and you say to yourself, this is never going to fucking end. I'm never going to get away from this fucking bullshit, but guess what? You are. You know why?

Because I did. And I mean, guys, I remember snort and coke and my fucking spine hurting. My spine would give me electrical jolt. My whole fucking body would jolt like that. That's not a good feeling. And that's what I walked away from. And I'm just fucking happy I did, guys, you know? So this Monday, the 15th of November, is dedicated to my 14 years of sobriety.

I never thought I could fucking do it. I never thought I could do it, guys. Honest to God. And listen, I've had some really bad things happen to me. I've been involved in some very bad things that I've created along the way. Nothing bad just happens to you, you know, all these people. I was walking down the street and a black guy fell on me, you know. It just doesn't happen that way.

You had to be doing something. You know what I'm saying? It don't happen that way, cock's sucking. So, you know, and a lot of things, life just imposed on me and shit. But this, I had to do this. And I think about my life. I think about, you know, taping the Netflix special, taping the special with those other fucking mooks.

I think about doing theaters, which I never thought about. In the beginning, I think about the longest shot. I think about so many great fucking things. I think about my daughter being born, me getting engaged to my wife. A lot of great fucking things happened. But if I have to look at the single most best thing that have happened to me was getting off of drugs.

I got to tell you some guys, it feels great to smoke a joint at night. It feels great not to smoke pot all fucking day. It feels great not to be addicted to something, whether it's a fucking anxiety pill, cocaine, whatever. It feels great that nothing's got to hold on you. I don't know how your life is today or what you're doing. I'm nobody to fucking talk.

I'm just here to help you get through today. That's what this podcast is about. This is entertainment. I'm just a fat fucking felon, and this is just about us getting through today. It's 22 and six weeks. If you're still fucking around with drugs, it's time to clean your fucking.

act you know i give thanks if i have to be lucky enough and i hate saying this word because a lot of you guys don't like it god or the upper power i know a lot of you guys don't want to hear it but if i have to be thankful for one fucking thing and you all got to witness it i'm thankful that i was never snorting coke and three people died when i was around i'm happy that i never fucking killed nobody in a car and I was high on Coke or anything like that. But I got to be honest with you. That happened to Kay Quigley. I can't tell you how thankful I fucking was that that situation never happened to me.

And Doug, Kate Quigley's 37 years old. She started doing Coke later on in life. The odds of it happened to Kate Quigley or it happened to me were greater for me because of the distance, the amount of time I did Coke. But you know what? After that happened to Kay Quigley, I was like, thank God. I never did Coke again.

Thank fucking God. I thanked Beaumont, Texas, where I OD, because in 2005, that's when I started thinking about quitting. So it took me two years to quit after thinking about it for two years. So I know you think you're struggling. I know you think you're never going to get off this shit, whether it's booze,

fucking drugs, pills, whatever the fuck. But let me tell you something. If I got off Coke, I'm a fucking re-eastern, And if I got off coke without going to rehab, if I got off Coke, I got off Coke because I had to move the fuck forward and it was holding me back. And that's what any of these drugs do to you. 2022 is here. We're six weeks away, which means it's here.

In two weeks, we're going to hit Thanksgiving and after that, the fucking times are going to roll and next thing you know, it's going to be New Year's Day. Get started preparing for it today. That's it. You want 22 to be a fucking great thing? you prepare yourself right now what you want to happen what your goals are and one thing is you're going to kick out of your fucking life to move forward you know i got these two cousins that i grew up with in miami and i love them dearly you know i talk to one and i text with the other guy but both of them

are fucked up we all had the same thing happened to us we all had the same childhoods we all had the same type of parents and our parents died You know, my parents died the first, and then the one guy, his parents died like 20 years later, and then my cousin, cousin, the kid dad, you know, me and him grew up together pretty much his parents. His mother just recently died. And I, the difference between me and them is that they're stuck. They got stuck in that void, you know. I have a lot of friends in North Bergen that are still stuck in the 80s, the 90s.

They can't jump out of that. I think me quitting Coke unstucked me. So I think by you quitting whatever drug you're doing, whether it's booze or whatever, I think you'll be unstuck. Whenever the kid from Florida hits me up, it's because he's drinking. After he'll text me 10 times,

I'll call him up and go knock it off with the text. What the fuck is going on? And we'll talk and he's drinking. So I think that any substance could keep you stuck. I'm happy that I stopped on. November 3rd of 2007. I'm grateful every day that I stop and I'm grateful that one of you motherfuckers stop.

And that's the podcast for Monday the 15th of November. I don't know what else to fucking tell you, motherfuckers. Just get ready. 2020 is coming and I'm fucking excited. I haven't been this excited in a long motherfucking time. I love you motherfuckers at all my heart. Packwoods is selling out of life. laughing gas like a motherfucker.

I'm hearing great things. The second batch is deadly. I gave some to Mikey there to take home for the next couple days. And that's it and that's that. I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. Have a great fucking Monday. And we'll be back Wednesday, the 17th. Ready for this one?

That's the day. Thursday will be November 18th is the day I fucking kidnapped Kent Vela. So we have another anniversary. November's filled on anniversary. Mother's debt, quitting cocaine, kidnapping Vela. You know, give it take. My Santeria, I got inducted in the 28th of the month. That'll put me at 52 years.

It's a great month, November. I love you, motherfuckers. Stay tip-top, Magoo. And now for a word for my motherfucking sponsors, Jack. All right, you bad motherfuckers, I want to thank you for watching. listening to the joint today. I'm excited.

14 years, no cocaine. How the fuck would you feel? Tremendous. The joint is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy. We talk about BetterHelp a lot on the show. And this month, we're discussing some of the stigmas around mental health. Listen, man, I was stuck. You guys know that.

All you got to do is listen to a podcast in January, February, or March. And you can tell there was something wrong with me. But I'll tell you what. I contacted Better Help. I started talking to a therapist named Dana. We talk once a week, early morning, and it's been fantastic. You know, many people think therapies for so-called crazy people, but it's not. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

It means that you recognize that we have emotions, and we've got to learn to control them, not avoid them. Therapy is a tool to utilize before things get worse. If I would have known what I know now, I would have been talking to somebody what I was doing stand-up in L.A., and I tried to, but I just could. couldn't make Monday night. So now I'm all in, and BetterHelp is customize online therapy. Don't wait until you're feeling unbearable. Better Help offers video phone and even live chat sessions with your therapist.

You don't have to see anybody on camera if you don't want to, and it's much more affordable than in-person therapy. And you can start communicating with your therapist in less than 48 hours. Give BetterHelp a shot today. You're going to find out why over 2 million people have used BetterHelp Online. online therapy. You're not going to find a therapist. They're all busy. The pandemic, put us all in the world when, but you don't have to feel like this anymore. Today, go to at betterhelp.com slash Diaz. That's betterhelp.com slash Diaz. Take control of your life and get the

help you deserve with better help. I'm going to get you 10% off your first month when you put in code Diaz. That's it and that's that, right? What else we got here? Right. The joint is also brought to you by ZipRecruiter. Listen, I don't know if you guys know, there's 10 million people looking for jobs. Only 7.6 million people are looking for work, but there's 10 million job openings. If you have a job opening, you need to go above and beyond to get qualified people, ZipRecruiter could help. If you need help building your team, you need to try ZipRecruiter for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash Joey.

Why am I using ZipRecruiter Joy? Because they use powerful technology to find and match the right candidates with your job and present them to you. You can easily review your recommendations and invite your top choices to apply. ZipRecrued is so effective, guys, that four out of five employers

who post a quality candidate find them within the first day. That's why they're rated number one in the U.S. So do me a favor. You can try ZipRecruiter for free. Just go to ZipRecruiter.com slash Joey. J-O-E-Y. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash Joey.

That's J-O-E-Y. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. I want to thank On It, I want to thank BetterHelp.com, and I want to thank ZipRecruiter.com for giving me an opportunity. And I want to tell you guys something real quick, you should get yourself a little freeze pipe or start following them on Twitter. I didn't even know they were on Twitter.

They got some great things they do with the freeze pipe on Twitter. So go to Twitter and friend Freeze Pipe, and that's it. I love you, motherfuckers. It's Monday to 15th. Go get what belongs to your cocksuckers. Tip-top Magoo. I'll see you Wednesday morning, ready to rock. I love you.