The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #118 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: November 24, 2021

Welcome to The JOINT..... It's Wednesday, November 24th..... Happy Thanksgiving….. And Happy Anniversary to Joey & Terrie! This episode is brought to you by Manscaped, CBD Lion & DraftKings….. Go to https://www.Manscaped.com/JOEY - PROMO CODE: JOEY 20% Off & FREE SHIPPING! Go to https://www.cbdlion.com Use Promo Code: JOEY For 20% OFF Your Order! Download the DraftKings SportsBook App & Enter Code: JOEY https://www.DraftKings.com/sportsbook to receive $100 in Free Bets when you Bet $1 on any NHL Game and either team scores a goal…. Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #HappyThanksgiving The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

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I love your cock suckers. It's Wednesday before Thanksgiving. We got shit to do and people to fucking see. Thank God I got this candle lit. Let's do this shit. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Wednesday, the 24th of November

pre- Thanksgiving podcast, you bad motherfuckers. It's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive. We're here. We're queer. Some shit going down. Did you guys see what the fuck happened in California with 80 people? They got an 80-man gang and they just busted into the fucking whatever store and took everything. It was the biggest smashing grab in the history of smashing grabs.

I saw that shit and I was like, that's some fucking interesting shit. I'm a fucking criminal type of guy myself and I never thought about that enterprise. That's not a bad fucking idea. I mean, you remember like Lex Luther? Remember like when you watch? shows and shit there was always that criminal enterprise guys yeah yeah see we're gonna

do this like this his name was always lefty or louis and he you know like when you watch fucking Superman too lex luther was in charge of the crime and all like when you watch the batman shows penguin they all had these criminal enterprises i'm in the mood now to put together

i never considered myself a criminal fucking enterprise even though i was a fucking criminal i gotta tell you When I was in Boulder in 94, 95, I was a criminal one-man show organization. I'm not very proud of this, but holy shit that I go off in that town. I never went back to Boulder because of the fucking, just the way I acted. It was not the way you act in Boulder. You know, those people in Boulder were very nice fucking people. And I unleashed a crime spree in Boulder.

from fucking in 1985 I moved to Boulder for the first time and I remember this is the asshole that I was I remember walking around on a Sunday night having money in my pocket and having money in my bank account one of the only times in my life I had a substantial fucking bank account and walking on the Boulder Mall

one night on a Sunday night I used to steal just because I was bored like who the fuck does that? There was one of those cookie things. What are those cookie things that you go to at the mall? They have like chocolate chip cookie. Yeah, what do they call Sarah Lee or something? I don't fucking know.

They just sell chocolate chip cookies, chunk macadamia. They got some brownies in there. It's like a kid store. They left the window open like this much. And I was walking by. And I ripped the screen off, went in there. I stole if there was $35 in there, it was too much. So when I saw that it was just $35, I couldn't get into the safe, I just stole some cookies.

I brought the cookies home with me like 12 fucking cookies. Like, that's the asshole that I was. You know, what did I get from breaking into that cookie place? I broke a window. I got $35. I broke the register. It cost them a bunch of money to wake. They come in the next day.

They see what the fuck is going on. I got cookies all over the fucking floor. The window's broken. You know, what did I fucking accomplish? That's why I never understood why Pete, like my wife loves to leave. Like if she'll take a dollar out for the toll, she'll leave the dollar in the middle and close the door. Guess what? Somebody will break your window for that dollar.

How do I know? Because I did it. I would fucking do it. I would break a window for a dollar because I thought there was more in there. You follow me? When you're a fucking, when you're the mind of a criminal, you think there's more in there. And that's why it's not worth it. It's like when you steal, I never stole a car stereo.

Number one, I always knew that when the cars, like if you get a car stereo from stock and you take it out, it's not going to work on another car, you fucking idiot. So I was never really a stereo fucking guy. Like, and I had friends who, that's what they did every night. They went out and busted into cars and stole stereos out of cars. That always seemed fucking childish to me. But Sears Roebuck in Richfield Park put their fucking car stereos. They had those blout punks. They put about 300 of them by the door, like a Christmas sale one year.

me and Darren Rago fucking took every single one of them. We'd go there and take five of the fucking shot, put them in the back and fucking tail off. It was fucking crazy. One day, me and Rago were in the car. We quit, you know, like we were in high school. We said, fuck it, we got to play hookah. We have no money.

Rago came from the same house as me. You know, his parents gave him like $20 for the week. And that was it. If you want to do Kogue, you want to do Kuelu, you want to get your dicks suck. You got to steal, Jack. So we would hook up in the morning, see them because there's no security at this.

stores early in the morning. They don't get into late 12. So we would go like a 10 and fucking, you know, take five car stereos, do fake returns and shit like that. But one time, we took a bunch of fucking car stereos and he was in the icebox. He had this car that we called the ice box because they had no heat. You know, like when your father and parents first give you a car, they give you their car when it's beat up when you first get your first 16 and a half.

His car was called the ice box. And it was tougher than fucking name. This car and I'll never forget that we loaded the five stereos in the trunk of the car and he went to back up I'll never forget he was doing maybe 10 miles an hour He hit this car he dented the fucking car and the car was shaking as we were driving off I'm like damn look at the fucking car It was doing the mumbo by himself. It was just shaking and then it just stopped that's how hard That fucking car so when it comes to criminal enterprises I've always thought I'm pretty

really good at it. Like, I could always divide, you know, I did all that shit. Like, I did the gas stations in Jersey. I've been not saying that too loud because I'm here now and they'll come get me. But they got to prove it. It was 19, yeah, they're in no danger. They got to find a witness. If you worked in the gas station

85, you're not in good shape right now. Trust what I'm telling you. So, who gives a fuck? They're never going to find me. But I did that every day in New York and New Jersey for fucking months. And then I just left. I just got on a plane a People's Express and just fucking left the Colorado.

And they're like staking gas stations out. Like they were staking gas. That's how many gas stations I was just getting a job in and robin. They didn't send a memo out to gas stations or anything. The last gas station I did was a fucking like, I just saw that. Did you see in Jersey? They made all the all the fucking gas stations, a different name. So like somebody took a picture the other day and it was Bruce Springsteen gas station.

like James Gandalfini. Anybody from New Jersey now has their own little gas station in Memorial. You know what I'm saying? Like if they did good things. Like the turnpike once, you know? So there's one called the Vince Lombardi fucking whatever up north.

It's up north. It's like a parking ride. When I saw that gas station, I was like Eureka, because I was stealing like fucking, you know, you even go to a gas station and have like two fucking islands, four islands. Like I was doing those little gas stations. like mom and pop gas stations.

But one day I was taking a ride out to Little Fairy or some shit, and I saw my buddy had a, I saw that center, you know, the Vince Lombardi fucking center. Listen to me, they got like 100 islands. In my mind, this was, oh my God, this was like de Pierre de la Resistance. I was going to fucking, I was working at a high volume fucking place. Like all the other, what I'm trying to say is all the other places

where mom and pop grandma places, and I was still getting cash. This was a high volume place. I was going to hit this big. This was my last fucking hit. I was going to Colorado and that's it. I got away with it for two months. I went to this fucking gas station.

They told me to come in at one. I went at one, and it was one car after the other, Jack. They weren't fucking around. I didn't turn around. All I kept doing was five. Fill it up. 10, 15.

Fill it up. And I'm, you know me. I'm putting fucking $2 in. I'm hanging pumps. I'm stealing from all directions. I got money in this pocket, money in this pocket, money in my sock, money in my nutsack. I got money fucking everywhere. And finally, like, it looked like it was going to rain.

I was going to milk that fucking gas pump till 10. I think it was a 1-10 gap shift. The first hour that made me pump with somebody else. And then after that, they let me go on my own and give me my own bank. Holy fuck. I look, I swear to God, you know, when you're pumping gas, you get a wad about four inches long. don't get me wrong. It's a juro.

You know, there's a lot of singles in there and whatnot. There's a lot of fucking, but it was this fucking big. And the guy kept asking me, have you dropped yet? I'm like, yeah, I kept dropping like $100. He's like, you got to drop a thousand of the time. Fuck you. Let me tell you something. When that fucking thunder hit, I went up to him and I go, hey, I got to go to the bathroom.

He's like, it's all the way over there. You got to wait to your shit. Fuck you. I'm going to the fucking bathroom. That's by the law. I can't go to the bathroom. I'm working. and I just went into the fucking thing

and I walked out with the rest of the people and I got on that fucking bus and I walked all the way to the back I took out that wad it was list fucking thick I went in my nuts sack I had another five fucking $100 dollars in there it was a score

you don't count the money till you get to New York City it's bad luck you know what I'm saying you don't want to give the universe the thought that you think you got away with it yet so I just sat in my seat there and people getting on the bus and they're starting to fill up and buses are fucking lining up

lining up line it up and I'm like, when the fuck are this bus going to take off? And I look over and I see fucking cop cars. And I see a little Indian dude, the dude who hired me, talking to a fucking cop. And the cops are coming in from all over looking and they're busting in. They're going into the fucking service station. And I'm on the bus sitting there going, bus driver, we got to speed it up a little bit. We're going to hit some fucking traffic.

The guy's like, I got to wait for everybody to come on the fucking bus. What are you talking about? And finally, fucking one person came on more, more, more. I'm looking, they're looking around. They started looking around. They're like, where could he have disappeared to? And they look back and they're like, maybe he's on the bus. And they started looking at the buses.

And I'm like, oh, shit, I'm dead. They're going to come on the bus. And I just said, God fucking bail me out of this one. And I'll never rob another gas station again. And next thing you know, I heard the engine opening up. And they started getting the cars and going to the buses. but they went to the first bus. First was like four buses from me.

I thought they were going to shut down all the buses, and my bus driver said, fuck it, let's get out of here. We got out of there. I remember like, fucking not even looking at the cops and the little Indian dude. I just pulled out of there.

Next thing you know, we're on the turnpike headed into Manhattan. I still had one more fucking obstacle. Port Authority in New York. Sometimes they said cops there. One time they did it to me. I got into a little beef on the Fort Lee side. When I got to the Port Authority side,

there were two cops there to fucking greet me to welcome me to New York. But I told them what had happened. They said, fucking get the fuck out of here. So I fucking, that was the end. I fucking landed in Port Authority. I walked out. I'm like, God, please. I hope there's not a cop here.

I got to get to Colorado. I walked off. There wasn't a cop to be seen. I went straight to a martial art store. And I bought that Bruce Lee suit from Game of Death with the yellow and the fucking black stripe. And then I took it home and I didn't fit in it. So what a waste of fucking time that was. But I made out with some money.

But my point being that I always looked at myself as a criminal type of guy. I always like found like a loophole. Am I proud of this? No guy. No guys. But when you're doing Coke, this is the shit you think of. You know, I was talking to Rich Voss. And we were talking about drugs, you know, and the effects on drugs.

And he was telling me that when he was getting high 30 years ago, that he was smoking crack. with a friend of his one day in Philly. And one of his friends fucking took the biggest hit of crack and put the pipe down and then fell out of the car. Like his lungs, like he just fell out of the fucking car. He was coughing. And he said that Rich, he goes, this is my best friend.

And at that moment, I'm hoping that he dies so I could take his money and his drugs in his car and go home. But he wouldn't do that today. But that just goes to show you the mind of an addict. That's how we always think. You were your best friend. He dies of a hit off crack. You're not going to take him to the doctor.

Fuck him. You're going to take his crack. Take his money in his car and leave him there. That's where your mind goes. So, you know, that's just the way life is. That's, you know, my mind hasn't thought like that in years. But when my mind was racing, that's what it was racing. It was racing all those, how to make a buck, how to fucking rob somebody, how to break into a house.

I mean, I would just come, I would go to a doctor's office. Let's say I was going to a doctor's office. And on the walk to the doctor, I saw something, all that shit would go away. Fuck the doctor in his office. I'm going to rob something. I remember having a lawsuit, and I had to go to a chiropractor for him to fucking check me out and see where we were going. And the next thing you know, I went there.

It was a Saturday. The boom-boom Mancini fight was on. This was back in 81, 82, 83. Everybody was watching a boom-boom Mancini fight. It was a fight to the debt. I went to the bathroom And on the way to the bathroom At the doctor's office

I saw there was a suitcase In one of the doctor's office You know I opened up that motherfucker I took the checkbook And the fucking prescription pad What was I gonna do with it? I didn't do anything with it The checkbook I gave it to a friend

And what happened a week later The cops come to my house He got arrested with the fucking checkbook And I got a conspiracy To fucking defraud somebody Or some shit I think I still got the war In Bergen County

They just got rid of it When I moved back 30 years fucking later. So that was always my luck. You know what I'm saying? But this, I think it's the pandemic.

I don't know what sparked it, but these criminals have been coming out of everywhere. I saw the fucking numbers. Waterboxer, one of the guys I follow on Twitter, good guy posted the numbers for California a couple days ago.

Everything except car theft rose 77% murders are up 77% aggravated robberies with a weapon are up 70% robberies are up 70% muggings are up 60% car thefts are up 50%

these are all organized guys this is not they banded together last year this last summer was when they fucking hatched their plan and if you look at Vegas if you look at San Francisco if you look at California if you look at Portland, Chicago, fucking crime is up big time.

I mean big time. Weapons, murders are up big time. I don't know what's happening to the world right now, but it just doesn't fucking feel right. That's why I'm happy. It's Thanksgiving. Today we were supposed to have a Zoom with Steve Simone because nobody yells Thanksgiving more than me

and Steve Simone being together. That's family. You know, I dig Steve a lot. He's down in Florida. When the pandemic happened in California, me, Steve, Dean, Lee, Jimmy Schubert, Dan, I forget what his name is, we all got so tight. That was the one thing about the pandemic that I think I've gotten tired with my people because I have a small circle in New Jersey, but I care for them a lot like Mike. I care a lot about Mike. My circle isn't as big as L.A. anymore.

But it's just so weird how you join together with your people when things go dange. I remember 9-11, you know. 9-11 happened in the morning and I was home. And all of a sudden I got a call from Rogan who never used to come down at daytime. Very rarely, unless he was coming down for a meeting or something. He called me up on 9-11 that morning. He's like, how do you feel? I'm coming down.

I remember that we all went to Mike Fabeman's house, a bunch of us, Ricky Cruz, Ralphie, fucking all of us just got together that day. And whatever you had going on, you put it aside, and we all were sitting by the TV. I think about those days, and I'm like, wow, man. We really had a special thing there. And I remember after Fabeman's house,

we all went to Ralphie's, me, Jay Moore, fucking Celine, Jody Furdig, fucking Josh Wolf. That had to be 20 of us. Ralphie was poor as fuck at that time. We all were. And Ralphie, me, we all chipped in and put together a fucking gumbo. 9-11, the original day. And I'll never forget I got mad at Jay Moore because he criticized Ralphie's shrimp.

I mean, we didn't have no money. You know what I'm saying? It's not like we could buy fucking prawns for this John Beliah. So we just bought the little Katrina shrimp. You know, the little ones that came from Katrina, pre-Katrina, they had eyes and shit. And, you know, Jay was saying, but that doesn't even matter. We had such a good time, you know.

And that's the whole thing. Like, people never really understood why I wanted to come back to Jersey. People never really understood. And I'm going to tell you now, after 15 fucking months, I wanted to be close to family. Again, you're like, Joey, not for nothing, you got no family. I got no blood family. But I got tons of family here. And some of these people that I've just recently met, they're becoming my family like the way Mike is.

You know, we just, this is it. This is it, guys. I don't like acquaintances. I don't like small chatter. I like you to be involved with me or not take a fucking hike. If you're not in, you know what I'm saying? If I don't know your daughter's name, if you don't know my daughter's name, if I don't know, it's like, you know. But it's so weird.

I got family. I wanted to get close. We were looking at a time in this country right now. We're not in a good place, guys. We're fucking around here on the podcast. We're cracking stupid jokes and shit. But we're doing all right. But there's a lot of fucking people that are struggling right now.

A lot of people that are fucking struggling. I mean, you know, financially, mentally is the big one. I mean, I'm no fucking genius, but you're going to. on social media and there's a lot of people fucking losing it. If you guys notice, I haven't been fucking around

too much on social media. I wish you a nice good morning. I put up the podcast, I put up a song and I move along. I wish you a good day. It's not good. Guys, I get insulted every time this has never happened.

Like, this has never fucking happened to me where you post something positive. Not about anything like, you know, you know, I don't give a fuck about Pete and fucking. Kardashian. I mean, you know, is life this bad that we all got to live vicariously through Kim Kardashian? I love Pete Davidson. He's a great fucking kid with the emphasis on kid. He's a kid. He's just looking to have fun.

All these people online fucking what's their lure of Pete Davidson? He's a kid. He's 27 years old. He's probably got a nine inch cock with a tattoo on it. You know what I'm saying? And he's on one of the best shows on fucking television. I don't like the show, but it is one of the best shows on television. You get on a show on a television. I don't care if you're missing fucking an eye and you've got one thing a hair. You're going to find some bitch to suck your dick because they're going to think you're special. So he's good looking. He's got a great fucking job. He's a comedian. What else do you need? He's going to fuck bitches all the time. If you're going to stop every time he fucks a bitch to analyze the situation, you're going to lose. Just because he's going to keep fucking bitches. Kim is just a little, Kim is just a

couple months. He'll dump her. They'll break up. And like the way he was with the chick from fucking underground, because that's the hottest chick in the fucking world. Underworld, that whatever her fucking Cape Bacin Sale is fucking smoking. And it's not even a body

in her face. Wait until she opens her mouth with that little Australian accent. You're like, what the fuck? Whatever it is, Australian English, it makes my dick hard no matter what the fuck it is. I mean, I'm not a big... I like the underworld movies. They're not classics to me. I bet that classic to somebody else, but, you know, everybody's jumping on poor fucking,

this poor kid now because he's slinging dick. Let him sling dick. He's a great kid. He's funny as fuck. And he's just, listen, I don't know if you've ever been around a warm person. Pete Davidson to top all his tattoos and Staten Island and Saturday Night Live. He's a warm, sweet fucking kid. I met Pete Davidson doing that, uh, doing, uh, doing, uh, open.

be and Anthony. I forget who was on with us, but him and I had a blast. We were smoking a vapor pen and shit back and forth. Then I saw him at the store one night and he was Buck Wild again. I gave him some fucking Joey Dia's murder reefer. He was all happy and shit

but kids I'm a 58 year old fucking kid. When you get that through your head your life will be a lot easy. Yes, I'm serious and I respect my business and I get up in the morning and I work hard, but I'm a fucking kid. You know, when you're a fucking kid, you're just looking to have fun.

Tomorrow is, well, Thursday, Thanksgiving Day is me and my wife's anniversary. We've been together for 12 fucking years. When I met Terry, I was 37 years old. If you thought I was going to marry Terry, you got rocks in your fucking head. I wasn't going to marry anybody. When I got into comedy, I got into comedy. gotten divorced and the whole thing. My goal was to do one thing, and I swear this to you guys.

Smoke pot, do coke, do comedy, drive, and eat some pussy on the road. That's all I wanted to do. That was it. Lenny Bruce Jr., not that I have the talent to Lenny Bruce, but that's what comedy is. You know, last year when all these people came out with these fucking allegations against this one and that one and myself, they forgot the most important thing about comedy. People get into comedy. I mean, yeah, you have some nice people

in comedy like Bill Burr and you know, the guy I like, who's the funny guy I like, that he went to rehab and he dumped his wife and his little John Malaney. You know, they're nice fucking guys, you know, like that real sweet guys.

Well, what the fuck was I talking about? Oh yeah. So when I met Terry, it was just like, hang out until she figures out that I'm a fucking loser and throws me to fuck out, that all I want to do is fucking suck and eat and smoke dope. You know, when is she going to realize that? But Terry, Terry hit me different.

Terry hit me from a different spot, guys. You know, like, I don't know if you've ever fallen in love. Fallen in love is fucking great. And I think one of my favorite fucking songs when I'm in the radio, like when I'm in the car, the song that makes me the happiest is remember the time when we fell in love. you know i know that's a song by michael jackson michael jackson writing it to his kids and shit you know whatever i think

and i mean me and mike are both from a heavy metal world we both like fucking alice and chains nirvana we were talking about pearl jam i think pearl jam is great i was looking for an argument with mike before i'm like fucking pearl jam is the best fucking bad they are 30 fucking years they've been doing it no complaints no drama you know they bids that ticketron when they were young because they were confused.

They wanted to be at top of the world, but they remembered, what the fuck are we? We're not social, whatever. We're a fucking band. And they're fucking phenomenal, you know? But anyway, to get back to Terry, like, I didn't want to do anything. But Terry hit me from me.

We've all fallen in love, man. And it's, you know what sucks about life for me and Mike right now? We'll never fall in love again. Mike's with his wife. I'm with my wife, those first couple of tingles when you fell in love

oh my God they're fucking great and that's why I love that Michael Jackson song I don't know if you guys know the song I'm talking about remember the time that have you seen that video lately I mean I watched it a million times holy shit it's like watching David Lee Roth's I ain't got nobody

like it just takes your heart and just David Lee Roth's I ain't got nobody's a great fucking video but Eddie Murphy's remember the time with the model, Emon, Eddie Murphy. There was a comedian or something like, Magic Johnson. Magic Johnson's in it with the HIV. I mean, but that song is great because that's what it is.

Remember the time when you fell in love. Oh my God, calling them, fucking picking them up, holding hands and shit, going to get coffee, having sex the first couple times. You really don't fucking know what the other person likes and shit. Listen, man, it's great. And when I first started dating Terry, I hate to say this, there was no love in my heart. Like, I didn't really have any love.

I was a fucking dirty comic. I was looking to fuck people. I'm sure I had some diseases with me. I had like three or four diseases. You know, I got fungi toenails. Not because I got fungi toenails. It's a mixture of diseases that are in my body of fucking viruses that are running through my body.

I had a fucking positive. result a couple years ago for a syphilis test before mercy was born now I haven't been with nobody's strains in 20 fucking years how do you have syphilis in 2013 if you didn't have it in 2000 for years I was going to fit and then it was a mistake you know as I ain't like they came back but a mistake but I had all that shit I had chlamydia I had all that shit it just went away eventually I didn't take anything for it I think I put some fucking listerine on my dick and took a ride jack you put some list. Listerine on your dick and wipe your helmet.

Everything goes away. Plus, when they suck it, they're like, your dick tastes like listerine. It tastes minty. It tastes delicious. But when I first met Terry, there was no love in my fucking future, guys. I was a fucking caveman.

You know, it's like when I met Joe Rogan, he was still hunched over. You know, I remember that podcast? I said that to him. I go, when I met Joe Rogan, he was still an ape. He was still hunched over, Doug. And then little by little, he straightened up. Then he smoked pot and,

fucking it was on you know what i'm saying but when i met joe rogan he was an ape when i met terry i was a fucking savage man it was not good the savage that i was and i had a tape down my shit i mean listen guys i lived with her we moved in together after six months maybe and we were together the whole fucking time and i'm the type of guy i didn't want to disrespect her when i lived with her and shit like that so i was pretty fucking good i was really good all that sexual shit, all that went out the window. The only thing I was doing when I was with Terry that was bad was snort and coke. You know, that was the only thing.

When I first met her, I didn't want to break her heart. I realized that she was so fucking sweet that what would I, you know, I broke another women's hearts and I'm not fucking proud of it, but I did it unknowingly. You know, if you, I'm a good guy and I have a lot of good points, but I have a lot of bad points too, and I know that going in, One of my bad points is I'm not a romantic guy. I'm never going to get roses and throw him on the bed and walk over him.

I'm never going to carry you to that rose bush. I'll hold your hand, you know, I'll hold your hand. I'll be there for you when you need me if you're sick and all that shit. But I'm not a big romantic guy. Like when I see people fucking on TV and they're making love, my whole love making session last 10 minutes. After 10 minutes, I'm fucking hungry. I don't have time for this shit rolling around.

and kissing you and all this, you know, women want you to make love to them and then hug them and rub their back and talk to them. Listen, let's go. We got shit to do on people to see. Law and Order starting in 10 minutes, you know what I'm saying? I mean, I've never been a romantic guy, but I do care for people. And I genuinely cared for her from the fucking third day. I care for anybody who feeds me. That's my secret. When they wrote that clichéist line, a man, the quickest way, to a man's heart is through his stomach. They were talking about Uncle Joey and I'm sorry to fucking

you know drop this on you right now but it's the truth. I always loved women who fucking fed me like without me asking him. Oh my God, it makes my dick hard. You know, a girl that you have a crush on and the next day she brings your chicken cutlets to school

that girl was getting a fucking big surprise from Uncle Joy I was going to take care of her because I've always admired people. Terry, the thing that made her different from any other woman that I was with at the time was that she cooked for me on the like the fourth date. She had me over. We were both broke. We both said it to each other that were fucking broke. And she made me some chicken and some fucking black bread beans and some cornbread.

And it just felt great. It just tasted like love. That's the weirdest thing to say. but it just tasted like love. When I hate it, I'm like, I got to get away from this bitch because she's going to put a spell on me and fucking make me fall in love with her. And she did.

She fucking did against my fucking will, you know, and it wasn't. I know you guys, well, what's the pussy dog? It was her insides, what she was about. You know, I always looked at Bruce Lee when he used to date when he was married to his wife. And I was like, why would a fucking good-looking guy get married to an ugly white woman like that.

Well, she's not an ugly white woman. She just wasn't as attractive as I thought she would be for fucking Bruce Lee. And Bruce Lee married her because he loved what she was, you know, and I saw a show on TV years later, like, you know, I don't know, 10 years ago. And they were interviewing Sterling Sillifant or whatever his name is. He's one of, I think he was one of the guys that helped Bruce Lee put together into the dragon or something. He was something to do with Enter the Dragon. And he spoke about whenever Bruce lost it,

the only person that could really put him back together was his wife, Linda. You know? And I know from my experiences, at first I was very, listen, I come from the old school cut that you never go to nobody with your problems. You know? Like, as a man, you don't go to a woman with your fucking problems. You talk to other guys or you figure them out or, you know, do whatever you need to do about to settle this problem. But you don't fucking bring it to a woman.

But let me tell you something. I did. I went against all the laws. I went against anything any man would do because I decided why have her around if she's not going to be a part of my dream? Why have her around? Why have anybody around? If they're not going to be a part of your dream. If they're going to be a part of your dream, you've got to tell them you,

strong points and your fucking weak points you know so i went to her like in 2001 or something like that and i fucking told her where i was struggling and what i wanted and guess what she made sure i didn't have that struggle anymore nobody helped me book roles like my wife did if you look at my mdb go look at my mdb from 2000 to 2004 just don't look at the tv shows look at the movies also You're going to go, what the fuck did you do? When I did that Q&A and Mountain View for the fucking soprano movie, the guy that curator, the guy that put it all together said something that I never fucking know. What do you guys?

The guy sit at home and count shit? He goes, this next guy I'm going to introduce has over 75 credits on IMDB. And I remember looking at him going, this guy's fucking lying to people. But guess what? I fucking came home that night. and I looked at my IMDB and holy shit my MDB has a lot on it and you could see the fucking development

like co-stars you know I was doing one days on movies small movies and then I just fucking rammed it up I did a good job as a comic in LA I did a good job with my career as a comedian I wasn't the best comedian but I was consistent I stuck to it and I was fucking crazy but I tell you what I wasn't

that bad of an actor either. I never saw myself as an actor. I saw myself as somebody doing something just to feed my fucking wife and myself and keep my cocaine habit intact. But after I did it a couple times, I kind of liked acting and I got into it and I fucking, you know, I'm not a Mizner guy. I'm not going to sit here and tell you, you know, I'm a fucking Meisner guy. I study a cat. No, I just, I got a booklet. And when I got an audition, I opened that booklet and I take the side. I take the and I do what the booklet tells me to do to the T. I write a background for the guy. I fucking write a story for the guy.

I fill it all the fucking blank. So when I put the audition on paper, everything is covered there. When I put the audition on tape, I'm sorry. Everything is covered. Nobody goes to auditions no more. You put your fucking auditions on tape. So I do the same thing over and fucking over again. I don't deviate from that plan or anything.

The book that I use is Ivana Chobbock's workbook. Ivana Chubbik is a great acting teacher in L.A. Before I started studying with her, she had Holly Berry, and she won two Academy Awards back to back. Nobody does that shit. So I had to go see what this lady had to offer. And I took like a private with her one time. We just went over an audition.

It cost me like $100 for a half hour. $100 for a half hour. Between me and you guys, you know me, I tell you everything. I think Ralphie paid for it. I think I had to borrow the money from Ralphie, and Ralphie paid for the... Because Ralphie used to go to a different lady, so Ralphie understood that sometimes you got to pay

to fucking get the right, you know, like just to get it right. I mean, listen, Lewis Guzman had an acting coach for years on set. Gandalfini had an acting coach on set that he went over everything with, You know, all the big stars when they're committed. I'm not talking about these overnight fucking fly-by-night cock suckers.

I'm talking about these dudes that you look at, Denzel, the Joker, whatever his name is fucking. There's a lot of guys that when they work, they pay. Listen, you're getting six, seven. I don't know what Denzel makes. He's got to be making $100,000 a day or whatever. But when you're making that kind of money, you pay somebody. You pay somebody. And those guys, they want big money.

Like I told you, my lady was a medium range A Van de Chubbic one? Well, not really. She wasn't even a medium range. She won two fucking Oscars. So she won like that, I think like two-fittar. I think now she wants 400 for an hour of coaching.

So if you get yourself a 20-page audition, you know, you get yourself a big fucking audition. This is the things you need to do to get that fucking role and to be great. But they all had fucking acting coaches on the set. I just, you know, I always knew about Gandafini's acting coach. I was thinking of calling it too, but she must want $10,000 an hour now.

So I don't act as much as I do. It's not. I'm 58, nobody's writing roles for a fat old fucking Cuban-looking fucking dudes. But you know what? And another time, if I get busy, I would consider taking an acting class and learning all over again. You know, I don't know what technique to use,

Meisner, whatever. I just used the Van de Chubbuk technique and whatever she borrowed from people. A couple years ago, two years ago, kid of Jiu-Jitsu. Shane, great guy, fucking built like a fucking, gave me a book about acting,

and that's another great book. I forget the fucking name, but now I have it in my draw. He gave it to me, and I didn't read it. Like I said, it was a good book. Like, I kind of lied. And then his friend, who's my friend also said,

you know his dad was a big time acting fucking coach. I forget what his name now. Guys, I'm sorry. So I looked the father up, and I read that book the next fucking day, and that book is great. So now when I get an audition, I also look at that book also.

But anyway, who gives a fuck about that? The reason why I booked all those projects was because I came clean with my wife, my girlfriend at the time. She wasn't even my fucking wife. I came clean with something I never even dreamed of doing I would never do before. And ever since I did that,

I opened up the door to what's called a real relationship. See, we're living like fake relationships. The relationship I had with my first wife and all the girlfriends that didn't work out, they were fake relationship. That's why it didn't work out. I was using, not using. The word isn't using. The word is, when I had these relationships, I wasn't 100% committed.

What do you mean by committed? I wasn't cheating. I don't like cheating on people because I don't like how I felt when somebody cheated on me. So I don't like cheating on people. So I don't mean committed by being all in. I didn't cheat on any of them. I haven't cheated on anybody since fucking I was in grade school or grammar school. I cheated on a girl and I didn't make me feel right.

The chick, I cheated on her with is now God knows where she is. And she broke up, some kid ratted me out there. And guess what? They're still together and they're still fucking married. But anyway, who gives the fuck about that? My point is that I wasn't committed. committed is when the other person knows everything about you. I was too much on my high horse when I had met the other women

and I wasn't mature enough to understand these things that when you're with somebody, whether you're a man or you're with a woman, this advice is to all of you guys. And trust me, this is what saved my ass. I did, even with my first wife, she knew I went to prison, she knew all that shit. But I was honest with her, but I wasn't all in with her.

What does that mean? That means that I didn't share my struggles with her and she didn't share hers with me. And when she tried to share hers with me, I would shut her down. And I'm really sorry for that. That's what really puts together a relationship is when you're both sharing your struggles.

I'm not talking about, Mike, I need $10 for the rent this month. We'll split the rent. No, anybody could do that. That's what couples do. I'm talking about really sitting down with your loved one. And trust me, guys, I had never done this before. Don't think that I'm saying this to you because I didn't discover this until I was 37 years old, 38 years old.

And I didn't discover it. It just happened. And then I saw the result of it. And the result is that Thursday we're going to have our 20 fucking first anniversary. Our 12th anniversary of being married, which means, means nothing compared to that. We've been together 21 years. And if I have to credit anything,

like if people came to me and said, listen, people stay married for 50 years, 80 years, 40 years, and they give you advice, and you listen to it, you know? I'm a fucking bum,

you know what I'm saying? I'm a fucking idiot. I'm really happy about 21 years because I would never had gotten to this goal. I would have never gotten to this number if I didn't do the things I was telling you. I included her in my life. The struggles, listen, I wasn't honest with her about the Coke at the time. But once I cleaned up from the Coke, I sat her down and I explained my whole struggle to her.

When I came to New Jersey and I was eating the Xanax and it rebounded and I got sick, I didn't hide it from her. That's the first person I went to. She knew I was eating the Xanax the whole time. I mean, she was there with me watching me going, Joey, be careful with those things. I'm only eating a half. I'm starting.

I didn't know what she was talking about, rebound anxiety. If I were to listen to her, I wouldn't be in this position right now. So when you're in a relationship, I mean, I'm going to have a great time with her tomorrow and Thursday, today, and tonight, my daughter gets her. promotion at kickboxing at fat joes she gets up tonight to blue belt or blue belt too i don't know what the fuck it is so we want to go out to dinner to celebrate the blue belt and me and my wife being together

21 years but our real anniversary is Thursday it's tomorrow for thanksgiving and i didn't get her a gift yet so when i finish up here i got to run and get her at least a fucking card you know what i'm saying i don't know what they get her for anniversary but i get her like a card a piece of fucking, she doesn't like expensive jewelry, so thank God I'm off the hook there. I could just get her like some fucking charm for a bracelet or something like that. But I love my wife. It's been a great 12 years of marriage. You know, you heard me for years on the church and on here.

I never wanted to get married. She made it seem fucking easy. I mean, the first time I got married, I hate that shit The wedding and trying on tuxedos And all that shit I'd rather stick a fucking pencil in my eye But you know what man

I give I'm really happy that I said fuck it I'm gonna marry this woman I got on one knee But I called the first I proposed to her on the phone I'm like listen man

We've been together for too long This has to come to an end And we're gonna get married She's like really I'm gonna hang up with you and call your father I did that When she got home that night, I think I got on one knee. I'm not sure.

I just told her I loved her and I want to marry her. We put away some money. Our wedding cost $1,000. $1,000 and we're still together. So for all you motherfucking women that want to get white birds and all this shit, and then a year later find out that he's fucking the ugly housekeeper like Rodna, like Arnold Schwarzenegger was and fucking, you know, what was the chick? What's the chick, what's the chick from Desperate Housewives,

a little cute Mexican, Eva Langoria. She had a wedding with pigeons and shit She married that cheating brother Fuck, that dude was fucking her sister The black dude from the San Antonio Spurs You guys remember him They had the wedding They kissed 18 times

Everybody banging glasses Letting pigeons loose And he was fucking the housekeeper So who cares? My wedding cost a thousand bucks We got married at a fucking third rate chapel And we had a party at the Hollywood fucking bowl We got

Chicken from Rouse, they have the best fried chicken in L.A. There's no fried chicken in L.A., but Rouse is at least like a six. We got pork chunks from El Cocinito, the Cuban place, and I got pastrami from the best pastrami in California Langas. We lined that motherfucker up. We got some Rifa, and we told people not to bring gifts

and dress however the fuck you want. We got married on a fucking Wednesday. And you're like, Joey, why would you get married on Wednesday? because I didn't want to take people Saturday away from them. So for all you motherfuckers that want to get married on the fucking Saturday and have us there all day, go fuck yourself. There's college football, there's football, this shit going on, and you want to drive this from there.

When you pick a date, make sure it's after March Madness, and before baseball season starts, your cock suckers. Yeah. Get married on a fucking Wednesday. Why are you going to ruin people's weekends? And for you, cock suckers that have those vacation destinations wedding, I hate you, fucks. I hate you with all my heart. Who the fuck do you think you are to make people fly to another fucking country so you get married? Celebrate our joy. Fuck you and your fucking joy.

All I'm looking at is a $3,000 tab that you ain't lifting the rock. So you want me to fucking pay to go to see your joy. Go fuck yourself. You get married in the VFW, the same place you started sucking cocks when you were in high school after the fucking dance and shit. What the fuck is wrong with people? I'm going to fly to some fucking vacation destination who the fuck are you if your wife is sucking dicks for everybody like a door prize that would be great you know what about a blowjob if we go to a destination fucking wedding but just to go to a destination wedding to lose 3 000 3g's to see you fucking kid oh and then they hit you at request we're doing a a party you all have to dress in white no it's not happening we listen come on come in didn't you have chlamydia two years ago you suck some guys on a disco and

shit and now you want to have a fucking all white knock it off. We're going to give you a pass we're wearing white at the wedding. You know you've had that whole busted since you were 15. You know what I'm saying? We're going to go along with your white dress. We're not going to say nothing. Yeah. God and all that shit. But don't make me go to your destination wedding. I practice what I preach, cock suckers. I don't, I don't want to take any time

from you cock suckers at all. It's even like the podcast. We used to do a podcast for three hours. Fuck that. Who's got three hours? Lex Friedman keeps calling me every week. I want to be doing the podcast. I'm in New York this week. Lex, you got to chop that down a fucking hour.

I'm not talking to nobody for three hours. I'm not in the fucking mood to talk to anybody for fucking three hours, you know what the fuck is wrong with people? One hour in, out, tip-top, Magoo. Get the fuck out of here, just like I'm about to do right now,

you bad motherfuckers. Like I said, I had a guest today on Zoom. We're going to do a nice, warm podcast for Thanksgiving, but that didn't. fucking work out. I was going to show up with a cornucopia of love for you, cock suckers today. But Steve's

Zoom wasn't working today, and I'm not mad at him. I don't care. We'll get Steve in here some other time. I had a good time just telling you about my fucking marriage, my anniversary and Thanksgiving. As you can tell, I'm really happy about Thanksgiving. You know,

I never liked the fucking holidays. I don't want to sound like a fucking whatever, but I never like the fucking holidays. And you're saying, Joey because I had pain connected to them. I don't have parents. Who enjoys Christmas with no fucking parents? But guess what?

I had a little beautiful girl nine years ago, eight years ago, and she makes Christmas, Halloween, and fucking Thanksgiving just so much more fucking special, you know? So now every year I get nice and high for it, not high smoking weed. I just get, I get hyped for the motherfucking holiday. You know what I'm saying? I'm excited about that turkey tomorrow and that stuffing. My man from El Nito, Joe, I want to thank him for throwing me an organic 18-pound fucking turkey.

We're going to bring up to my, to Mercy's Godfather's house tomorrow or whatever tonight. And they could cook it tomorrow. He's supposed to come down. I'm still waiting for the call. Hey, man, it was a rough year for all of us. So I hope you all really take a minute tomorrow and really, really be grateful for the people that are at that table that are still there. be grateful for the year we've had. We're not dead.

We're not dead. A lot of people went into that hospital and didn't come out, guys. You know, whatever. Fuck you in the vaccine. Fuck you in the no vaccine. I don't give a fuck. I just want you to be happy tomorrow on Thanksgiving Day. Tomorrow was real special for us.

Seriously. So I'll check in with you motherfuckers tomorrow at some point of the day. Wish you's a happy Thanksgiving and whatnot. But I want you to be a little bit. but I want you to think about the last 18 months and what we've all gone through. This country has gone through. Tomorrow's a special fucking day, man.

Make it special. Make it the best fucking day of the year. Christmas is great because you're giving gifts and shit. You know, tomorrow we're giving fucking thanks to the universe for protecting us, for saving us, for keeping us healthy during this fucking horrible thing. Horrible things have happened the last fucking 18 months. Look at this last weekend, that guy running over those people at a Christmas thing.

And when Ocean my heart goes out to those families, there were kids and old people, the dancing grandmas. I just want to wish you all a happy Thanksgiving with your families. Look at them all in the face and tell them how much you love them. And that's it, motherfuckers. The joint is in full fucking effect. I put a picture of the pipe freeze on the internet yesterday. yesterday freeze pipe and people went fucking nuts. I've been smoking that thing.

Let me tell you how much I like the freeze pipe. When you don't smoke it, your throat hurts. Like now, that's the only bad negative thing I got to say about the freeze pipe. When you don't smoke it, you can't quit smoking. It's like once you go on freeze pipe, you ain't going back. It's like a black cock. You ain't going back to some little white three-inch cock with freckles on it. Those days are over.

You're going to stick with that black fucking Malukia stick of death. And that's it and that's that. Listen, guys, I love you with all my heart. Thank you for supporting the joint. Thank you for supporting my Patreon. Thank you for supporting laughing gas. That reef is getting stronger. The ice cream shop, I love them with all my heart.

I'm working hard to get my license here in Jersey to become a recreation fucking dispensary. But if not, I'll bump into all these. ABX. We're going to release a new fucking 200 milligram. ABX capsule. I don't know what they're going to call it yet. The devil's tongue or the devil's kisses or something like that.

So I'll keep you motherfuckers posted in the upcoming months. I love you guys. Happy Thanksgiving. God bless your families. That's it. I love you. I'll see you Monday. Tip top.

Magoo. Cocksucker. Stay black. All right. I want to thank all you guys and wish you a happy Thanksgiving. Thank you for being with us today. I want to thank Steve Simone for at least Shrine. We'll get it back and we'll get him on the show.

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the kinesiology tape and I put them on both shoulders so I don't have no problems when I go to the gym go to CBDLine.com right now. They got bath balls. They got tinctia. They got the joints that you could smoke the sour space candy. It tastes great and you'll be nice and calm down after you finish it. CBD Lion. Read. Go to their web page and look at the three lab results. Read about CBD, CBN and CBI and find out why

CBD line is the best CBD on the market. And I'm telling you this. And I got a lot of problems. and I got a lot of fucking pains. CBD Lion is for you. Use Code Joey and get 20% off and it gets delivered right to your house. You don't even have to leave the house. That's what CBD Lion will do for you. I want to thank Manscape.

I want to thank CBD Lion. I want to thank... Fuck, who else was on this week? Draft Kings, who's always my main dog's Blue Chew on it. And I want to thank me undies for all we. is taking care of us. Miandis, on it,

no, meundies, blue chew, and manscape. Everything focused around your dick. I love you, Cucksuckers.

Have a great Thanksgiving. And I'll see you guys. Monday. Tip, top, Magoo. Stay black.