The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #119 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: November 29, 2021

Welcome to The JOINT..... It's Monday, November 29th..... This episode is brought to you by Onnit, Zip Recruiter & Better Help….. Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH Go to https://www.ZipRecruiter.com/JOEY & Try it for FREE! Go to https://www.BetterHelp.com/DIAZ Use PROMO CODE: DIAZ for 10% OFF your 1st Month! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Episode #064 | https://youtu.be/BOiYjB9CP-A Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday. The 29th of November. We're back from Thanksgiving. It's over. And now the full holiday season is upon us. The joint is brought to you by the flagship on it. Listen to me, they had their Black Friday sale on Monday. It's been going great. 60% off on everything.

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You're slipping. Let's start the year on the right foot with 2020, 2020 with some alpha brain to get everything together. Again, go to honor.com pressing Joey and get 10% off delivered right to your motherfucking crib. The joint is also brought to you by ZipRecruiter. Listen, as the holidays approach, there's still a lot of jobs to fill. Rane deer, shit shoveler, naked office party Santa, tree sniffer.

So if you have a job opening and help building your team need to try ZipRecruiter for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash Joey. Listen, ZipRecruiter uses powerful technology to find a match that's right. candidates with your job and present them right to you. You can easily review your recommendations and invite your top five choices to apply. ZipRecruiter is so effective that four out of five employers who post get a quality candidate within the first day. Can you believe that? That's what ZipRecruiter is about. I don't care if you're the biggest company in the world. I don't care if you're the smallest company in the world. If you're not working with ZipRecruiter, you're slipping, Jack. No wonder ZipRecruiter is rated the number one hiring.

site in the U.S. Let me tell you something. I sent the bio to ZipRecruiter. They sent me so much. It's like they're tremendous. Guys, right now, whether your business is small or large, whether you're looking for a job or you got a job to give

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slash Joey. That's ZipRecruiter. com slash Joey J-O-E-Y ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. Let's get this party started, Jack. This candle, I don't know, I got to get a new candle here. This is all the way to the bottom. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday, the 29th of November.

That's it. It's a whole new fucking horizon now, Jack. I hope you guys had a great Thanksgiving and you had a great weekend, but now it's time for the last fucking. run of the year, which means, uh, it's just fucking it. That's it, guys, but you can't get depressed about it. I love this time of the year. You know why?

Because it's all Mondays in my life. It's all Mondays. Every day, you're fucking going off for the next three weeks till about December 18th, till these fucking Gentiles start, you know, the fucking Christmas jingle and shit like that. And then, uh, that's it. You're looking at 22, 22, whatever, 22, 22, 22, whatever. but 22 22 22, 22, whatever. My Star Trek, fucking, but it's great.

I love all this shit because it's coming to an end. I can kill, listen, man, I had a bad 21-21. I mean, emotionally and mentally. Everything else was pretty fucking good. I'm strong. My family's healthy. You know, there was no mishaps. I got a little bit more comfortable in my fucking surroundings, as you could tell.

But something was off. Something was missing all year. And not just in my life alone, but in your lives. Everybody's fucking life felt like your mother died, like fucking, you know. You know, I always say that not having a mother, the rest of you, like, if your mother dies when you're like 25 or something, after your mom's death, you're going to go on, but it's going to be like eating food with no salt on it. You're going to see that something's missing. So that's not the case right now. I have that because I don't have a fucking mother.

That's my predicament, not yours. If you got a mother, you're fine. You're not going to, nothing bad is going to happen. Yeah, my mother's dead as disco, so that's the problem we have here. But I like this time of the year because it really, these next four weeks is all about fucking journaling and goals for the first quarter of 2022. And what you want to do.

That's it. What you want to do. That's it. This fucking horrible time in our lives has passed. Yeah, we're all waiting for the African fucking, you know, Mombada now. Everybody's waiting for African Mombada now. You know, there's a loose train in Africa. We're going to live with this shit for years, guys.

Don't believe the hype. This strain probably gives you a little diarrhea, but you're not going to lose an eye. Your ear is not going to fall off. You know, they just try to instill fear in you. Don't believe the fucking hype. Live your life, be prepared, and that's all the fuck you can be.

But I'm looking forward to this the next couple weeks because it's, you know, between, I'm excited about the book, I'm excited about maybe doing a one-man show, I'm excited about my health, I'm excited about Jiu-Jitsu, I'm excited about the fucking guitar. Hopefully by February it'll fucking click in.

It's going to come up on a year now, and I still suck. I'm picking up some songs, some are better than others. But like I said, I was in no rush. This is a hobby. I'm not looking to be Judas Priest or fucking Eric Clapton. Listen, you don't want to be anybody right now. Everybody's getting grief right now. Eric Clapton's getting grief.

Everybody's getting fucking grief for one thing or the fucking other. But I did have a good weekend this weekend. One of the main things I watched, listen, man, I'm a little disgruntled with stand-up comedy. Not to the point where, you know, I'm talking shit or anything like that. I'm just, it's a personal disgruntle. I have, I'm a little upset at myself. Let's just say that.

No, no big deal. But this week I got my, I watched a show that brought back my faith. And it was a Kevin Hart's show on Netflix. Has anybody seen that true story? Ola La Sassoon. It's a good fucking show. He's a stand-up comic, and you just see his world with my man from New Jack City, Wesley Snipes.

He plays his brother in it, and it's just a great show. What I like about it the most is, listen, I sat here a couple months ago, and I talked about how we didn't really have a comedy star anymore. Yeah, we have people traveling, people touring, people doing big tours, but we don't have a guy.

that entertains us like a fucking TV show or movies every year. Like, you know, I love Eddie Murphy's movies. He fucking brought it out of me. We don't have that no more. What are you going to do? Wait for fucking Amy Schumer or whatever? That's not fucking comedy.

That's something fucking completely different. I don't give a fuck, okay? Party's over. It's 2022. In my world, it's 22 already. I don't give a fuck, you know what I'm saying? But Amy Schumer didn't cut it from me. I like Amy.

I like the jokes. I'm not saying nothing bad about Amy. But I really like comics when they fucking spread their laughter. You know, when they spread their laughter. What happened to comedy I didn't like was they were pointing, they were making stars on the road. In my world, that's not a star. A star is something, somebody who, the style I liked was you do a little roadwork.

Then you go into a studio and shoot a movie. Then you do a little bit more roadwork. And then you fucking do a TV show for 13 episodes. Then you rest for six or seven episodes for six or seven weeks. wait till the episode come out, and now you tour to support the fucking episode or the special that you had. That's not the way it was anymore.

They're not pushing comics to television, or they're not pushing them, but the other thing is the television's not paying as much as Gabriel would make on a weekend in the road. There's no way Gabriel can make it on TV. No way. They're just not paying that.

So all these comics have said, fuck television, we're just going on the fucking road. Not Kevin Hart. Watch Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart does a little TV, a little film, a couple fucking films. You know, Rock calls him or whatever. And then he goes back on fucking tour.

And then he shoots a special. He's done for the year. Part of the year, he's a fucking businessman. He's selling pants. He's selling shirts. He's selling workouts. He's selling health. But the one thing that Kevin Hart sells that nobody really catches is motivation.

I grab a lot of motivation from Kevin Hart. I know a lot of you guys look at me. Look at what Kevin Hart. Kevin's doing. Kevin is a fucking great guy. Like, listen, I could sit here and tell you he's my dog and shit, but that's not the way it really is. I met Kevin maybe three times. The only real bond I have with Kevin is grudge match and the movie bombed. So when a movie bombs, you don't want to see those people no more. You're like, that fucking guy was the kiss of death. I didn't look at it that way. I had never met Kevin before. I went down to New Orleans with no expectations. And I was on the set one day with De Niro and Stallone. And Kevin came. Shook. my hand gave me a fucking hug you know what's happening if you need something while i'm here the crew he came down with oh fucking tremendous i kept bumping into him and different i only saw kevin like twice i saw him the day i met him and then i saw him one other time but kevin has not stopped that was 2012 when i shot that movie with kevin kevin shot 80 movies since then name another comic

that's shooting 80 movies since that jim gaffirkin i don't fucking think so this guy i don't think so. This guy, I don't think so. Kevin has his own fucking career. Chappelle's doing what he wants to do, terrorizing trannies, and this other fucking guy is fucking out there. I'm not, I'm just cracking a joke. I'm not mad at him, you know, it's kind of fun to see him get fucking tortured every day. They threw him out of his grammar school last week. You know, it's all over. But, huh? Yeah, yeah, because he's in town, he's working. He's the hardest fucking working. Yesterday he was some college, well, today he's on New Orleans fucking giving out picks for somebody.

You know, this is, and I like what he does. He spreads it around. All the other guys want to do podcasts, and I get that. Not Kevin, and I got to tell you something. You know who else like that life too? Me, I could just never reach it. I can never reach it. My agents or managers or whoever didn't have the respect for me to listen to me

and to push me in movies. I miss great movies. I miss the fucking one with De Niro and Joe Pesci. I miss the fucking, and one with Nick Valalong and his father. I missed all those movies. And I got to tell you something. Until this day, I have a little bit of grudge against my agency for that.

Because they weren't looking at that as things as I was looking at us to be important. Kevin's to a point that he could tell motherfuckers either do this or you go packing. I didn't have that. I didn't have that type of pushing. I'm not angry at Kevin. I'm celebrating Kevin. I'm celebrating Kevin's show. I watched the, I'm probably up to episode.

Episode 6, and I really fucking love it. I think he's doing a great job. I think whoever wrote it for him was fucking fantastic. It's one curveball after another curveball, after another curveball. And I enjoy that type of shit. So if you like Kevin Hart, if you're a Kevin Hart fan, I'm giving you a fucking green light, go watch that thing on Netflix. I think it's fucking tremendous.

I really do. And that's just the way I feel. I applaud Kevin on a daily basis for the lifestyle that he lives. He's healthy. You know, listen, you never hear a negative thing from Kevin. What do you hear about Kevin? Oh, he cheated. Somebody called him cheating or whatever.

Listen, you want me to tell you something? What this whole fucking country's forgotten is that half of these people got into comedy for different reasons. Some people got into comedy to do drugs. Some people get into, yeah, I got into comedy to do drugs and travel and, you know, get syphilis and conorrhea. And, you know, fucking wake up in the morning like Tom Berringer, Major League. That's why I got into comedy. I didn't get into comedy to be a fucking. saint or to change the world or the fucking

I'm gonna show them I got into comedy because I was a bum I had nothing else going on you understand me so it's either comedy or being a bum I'll give comedy a shot and here we got you know what I'm saying I over fucking came the odds and here we are but I support Kevin that's it that's all I want you to do

the other thing that happened this weekend well it didn't happen this weekend it happened Sunday morning that I was just blown away by because it didn't blow me away because this is life this is what life is all about right now every time a person takes two steps up somebody's got to come out of fucking

the world of Yahoo or whatever and shut them down think about it from now on I want you to notice these things I want you to notice people trying to do positive things or they come up with something positive and right away two weeks later there's something about them well he did this eight years ago why are you trying to take away from the guy's fucking glory day You got a beef with something he did.

Pull him aside and go, hey man, congratulations on your movie. But I felt you did this or whatever. But it doesn't even matter. You guys know I was very excited for that release on HBO about King Richard. I was really excited for that. I wanted to see how a dad took two daughters and made him fucking tennis stars. That's the same thing I share right now.

I have that aspiration. Mike has that aspiration. He has kids. Whenever I can learn what, How to be a better father something I'm not doing and that caused anything in life You know what I'm saying when when my comedy when I was coming up in comedy if I I went and I watched and I studied and you know I told you guys that in 2008 I was coming off the Blow for a year a lot of people don't know this so I said you know what I'm going to slow down with

The comedy a little bit and every Thursday I decided to drive out to Irvine to watch different Headliners I watched Neil Geraldo I watched Patrice O'Neill I watched so many fucking guys and that taught me how to headline for you i did comedy for 16 years i had an hour's worth of material but i wasn't a headliner learning to be a headline is a complete different fucking situation anyway who gives the fuck about that the thing i'm going to talk to you about is something that would happen to me and it does happen to me every 90 days okay every time i have a little bit of fucking success in my life, whether it's the NFTs, when I released a weed, one of the many saints in Newark, when Grudge Match came out after I shot a special, there's always one

person on the internet or maybe two of them that'll throw a jab at me about my daughter. Don't say to me, hey man, how does your daughter fly into all this? And it's a, it's a kind of a hurtful jab, but it's not a hurtful jab. I've learned to understand why people do that. They They didn't get the real story. Maybe they didn't agree with what I did. Right now I'm writing a book. I'm in the process of writing a book. I woke up for months going, shit,

I'm not doing anything in my life. And then I realize I'm on like chapter 20 of this book. Eric and I are doing a real job. We're committed to it. I sit around with a pen and pencil every night, a paper and pen, and I outline the upcoming chapters. And we've worked really hard on this,

and I'm really doing a good job for you guys. In fact, when we hit the end of the book, We're going to go right back to the beginning for about five or six chapters because that's when I had done the surgery and my mind was shot and I want to cover a lot of things that I left out of those chapters. I'm trying to put something really nice for people to read. You know, I went on search of pictures. I'm putting a lot of effort into this fucking book right now.

I believe in this book. I don't think it's going to change my life or anything. I don't want to make a million dollars. What I want to do is to have you guys have the whole story right there and fucking funny with the pictures. And I'm done. done my fucking cycle. I did my stand-up for 30 years. Now I'm putting out a book about those 30 fucking years. And, you know, Ralphie Mae, Whitney Houston, we're going on, we're going

with everything in there. This book is going to let people know who the fuck I am front and fucking center. And it also explains, there's like three chapters dedicated to it, of what happened with my life and my daughter and why I made those decisions. and whatnot. Anyway, let's get to the front of the story. So, I wake up Sunday morning. I do what I always do. I make my coffee. I go outside. I do my grateful fucking five things I'm grateful

for. I look at the sun. I look at the sky. I thank God for giving me another day. When I come down here and I fucking, uh, I'm looking online. I'm doing my little homework. I'm answering Patreon back. I'm putting a little, this is how I get, I got like four notebooks open, right? So I got like

fucking Patreon over here. I got like, uh, what I I have to do schedules. I mean, it's always something. I got the scripts for the fucking podcast. It's always fucking something. But I usually go through the important things, and I do my reading. I go to Yahoo and I see what's going on in the world.

I see what picks they're making for the day. You know, they got good things on Yahoo. And I see something that, you know, King Richard, the movies get negative heat because the family before these girls, raised. He left them. He walked down on them, five kids or something. So they want to know why. They're upset because they didn't put them in the movie or give the

fucking backstory to him. And I'm sitting there going, what the fuck? It's a great movie. This movie is about his relationship with his girls of present. And two girls which became

fucking icons. The greatest athletes in the fucking world. If you watch a football game, watch Any sporting event, you're going to see the Serena Williams sisters five or six times doing fucking commercials. And it's tremendous. I look at it and I go, and this is way before Black Lives Matter. Like they've always had fucking $10 million a year and just commercials. So for all you, you know, oh, Hollywood's racist, take a look at those fucking two.

See how racist they are against them. That's just the way life is. They're two women. They're tremendous at what they do. They've had a little negativity over the years, but they're tremendous fucking athletes. I just found out that the other three girls he had. So he adopted those two girls. Like he had, those are his two girls.

But when he married, she had three girls before, and he adopted them. One of those girls is a lawyer. One of those girls is a fucking doctor. And I forget what the other one does. So in my world, that's five and no. You did a good job. Whether the kids were not of yours.

Were yours or not, you did a fucking great job. So today I wake up, Sunday I wake up to this shit about, well, the girls from his previous fuck. marriage why didn't he put that in the fucking thing or whatever you know what because that's not what the fucking story was about and when i see shit like that i think about my life and i think about how people have reacted to me i had a guy on patreon a couple months ago nice guy i had a great relationship with him on patreon answering his messages he must have gone out and got fucking hammed and he spilled his guts on you know where you should go and be a fucking father i still can't put together

how you walked away from your fucking daughter. I'm looking at this going, this isn't even a guy that's a nice person. He's just a guy that's trying to be fucking hurtful. That's what you got out there. You know, when people are hurt, they hurt. When I was hurt and when my mother got taken from me, my business was to hurt other people.

I didn't have any fucking coot about it. You don't. So I, you know, I took it easy on the guy. I just never answered them back again. I could have called him a motherfucker. Your father sucks. I just said, you know what? these of these people but then I looked at his previous messages he was cool for four months before that

but this must have been on his mind for years and it was if I read you the attack guys you go holy shit it didn't matter to me because you know what he wasn't there when you hear a negative story about somebody that's putting out something positive like what happened with that film it's a positive fucking film about the story of these things two girls. Guess what? It's a film. There's going to be a little bullshit in it.

Have you not figured that out yet? If you watch Goodfellas, there's bullshit in it. If you read the script, the wise guy, and then watch Goodfellas, there's bullshit in it. What happened to Pauli's fucking son in the book? He didn't make the script in the fucking movie. It didn't fit right. Maybe he didn't want to be in the book.

You know, have you ever, there's a thousand books that I've read when you watch, read the Donnie Brascoe book and then watch the movie. Before Donnie Brasco arrested all those guys in New York, he arrested the balustery crew out of fucking Milwaukee and Chicago. The balusteries were in charge of vending machines and all that shit. He did, bro, there's three chapters dedicated to the balusteries in the fucking book.

When you watch Donnie Brasco, there's no mention of Milwaukee, Jeffrey Dahmer, or the fucking balusteries, whatever the fuck their name is. Sorry, you know, I'm not good with names and shit. You know, you don't fucking though. So I always want you to remember one thing. When you have a book and then you turn it into a movie, except, don't,

Hannibal Lecter, the first one, Silence of the Lambs, the book is the fucking movie, word for word. They don't miss a spot. They go directly how the fucking book was written. But all these other movies, they're all bullshit.

There's a little bit of bullshit in all of them, especially if it's a movie about a biopic. There's going to be a little, they're going to have to jump over something or not mention something. but at the same time looker I knew I for the last time

for the last time in 2021 I'm going to talk about this I don't even want to talk about this anymore I don't care anymore it was a long time ago God drew me a gift to let me know I was fine the gift is my new daughter

my old daughter doesn't want to talk to me my ex-wife don't want to talk to me what am I going to do Do you want me to go cry? Do you want me to jump off a fucking bridge? No. And this was the same case in 1995. I knew from 1992 that I was never going to have that daughter, that share that daughter.

It was going to be like that other guy. They were going to treat me like the other guy. They weren't going to cherish me. I never got a Christmas card from her, a Father's Day gift. I never got nothing from her after her and I broke up. So she was never going to put that effort into a relationship. I was always going to be like the third spoke. I had something to say, guys.

I had a life. There was things I wanted. I wanted to live my life. My life had been shit up to that fucking point. And I just wanted to move on, go out there. I knew I could do something with my life with comedy. And I did. And I was going to fucking in the middle come back and explain to her that life changes.

That never occurred for me. That was my long-term plan. But it never worked out from him. but it never meant that I didn't love her. It didn't mean that I didn't want to be with her. I didn't want to be held down. I didn't want to be held down under somebody else's fucking thumb. I was in prison.

When you go to prison, you learn one thing about prison. Prison is not about punishment. Prison is not about growth. They don't give a fuck what you're doing there. It's to let you know that you're going to be held down and that you're a piece of shit. Like I said to you, you don't know anything about life until a man kicks your bed.

and tells you to wake up, fuck nut, and just puts the light on. That'll make you, that's in the realm of getting raped in your ass as a man. It's the same feeling. When a man comes into your room, kicks your fucking bed and turns the light on, and so let's go, dirtbag, wake up. That's what you're waking up to. And that's what you wake up to. When somebody kicks your bed every day and calls you a dirt bag,

by the time you hit the shower, if you take a shower, because you're a fucking dirt bag. By the time you hit the shower, how do you feel? Is there anything good that grows from that? So that's what prisoners, guys. That's exactly what prison is. There's no rehabilitation. There's no, you lift weights and you figure it to fuck out on your own. But the number one thing to figure is, why do I want to be in jail?

That's why there's people who are institutionalized. They can't live on the outside world without being institutionalized. When you see people who have been locked up for a long time and they come out, how long do they really last? They don't want to be in fucking society. You have that, that all stems from that fucking cell. So when you wake up in the morning and you already have negative shit going into your brain, the same reason I don't watch the news in the morning.

You know, when you turn the news on, you're making coffee, you're eating Captain Crunch. And also, they tell you a kid 14 got shot last night. You don't want to start your fucking day with that going into your mind. Even if you're not paying attention to it, that thing is going into your ear and it's going into your fucking psyche somewhere or another. This is why in the morning you powder your balls, you salute the flag. Do not turn the TV on. do not turn the radio on put on the fucking stereo put on your favorite album the mob rules i don't know barbara stricane's greatest hits i don't give a fuck put it the fuck on yeah i like barb streysand

i i saw the other day she was fine i didn't see i was reading an article about fucking uh the guy who died uh sunheim and she wrote a thing for him anyway a lot of gay people are depressed today my heart goes out the lbg t community madonna and everybody else my man Sanheim is fucking gone and he was a bad motherfucker so anyway back to I was saying you know I'm putting out this book now I have to hand it in by March

we're gonna try to handle it a little earlier you gotta get pictures in there you gotta get legal to go to the thing who knows when we'll release it but I'm sure people gonna come at me and say well you know you didn't put enough in there but I gave you everything in that book about my daughter how I felt

why I did the things I did and in the end I told you that I still fucking love her I still love her and I still wish for a life with her in my 60s and 70s, but it's doubtful. I don't see it happening. And guess what? I've accepted it. What do you want to do?

You can't make people love you. You can't make people talk to you. You can't do it. You can't do it. And guess what? The other side of this coin was you guys didn't know me in 95 and you didn't know what I had become. The same way I got overtaking my comedy. was the same way I got overtaken by my ex-wife with the divorce.

I put everything. I made a plan. I stuck to it. And my plan was never going to be good enough for her. She ended up kicking me in the fucking stomach anyway. So you moved the fuck on. I could have dwelled in that for years and I never would have got out here. I would have ended up a fucking junkie and dead.

I would have died 20 fucking years ago if I would have let that. get to me. That was eating me up inside, guys. I'm a big man to say that. It was eating me up inside. It was fueling my fucking addiction. And it was not making me thing clearly. And once I sat down, I journaled out the matter

and I put it in fucking God's hands. My life worked. I know there's still some people who have a problem with me about not speaking to my daughter. Guess what? Have you got a problem with it? don't it's none of your fucking business and the only problem you should worry about are the problems in your fucking life it doesn't bother me anymore i enjoy my new life with my daughter and you know

what i follow her i understand what she's doing she's up in aspen she's selling real estate she's enjoying her life why would i want to step into that and fuck her head up more than it's already fucked up at this point she's going to be 32 years old in february and can you imagine Imagine her life right now? She's 32. She's got to have some friends that watch Joe Rogan. They have to have some friends that watch Berg-Crysha. And, you know, my name has to come up in her world or maybe not.

But she's got to sit there and go, I don't watch that, son. Well, I don't like Joe Rogan or whatever other things are connected to me in my life. I mean, you know, how many connections do I have out there? Somebody in her fucking world has to be saying, Don't you listen to this? And she's got to move on. She's living like I was as a kid. That fucking shit I lived in as a kid

where my parents were involved in all this fucking illegal shit and I couldn't say that to nobody. It was just fucking deep secret in my fucking soul that kids would talk about Coke and they thought they knew what I was talking about. I was ready to go, you don't know nothing. Shut the fuck up.

But I couldn't because they would go, how did you know? Oh, my mother sells Coke. I couldn't fucking say that. Oh, my mother's a bookie. I couldn't say, you know, when we were kids, I couldn't go. all the Knicks are going to win tonight.

How do you know? Because my mother took action on the fucking Nick game and all the money's going on the fucking Knicks against the Nets. You never seen a bookie with a fucking part-time job, have you? So, you know, you learn all these fucking things. So you can't really... So I always think about her and what's going on in her world.

You don't really think, if you know any of my stories and anything that I'm capable of, you don't really think I want to drive up on it and get to the bottom of this. but I can't because I got to think of the rest of I got to think of what she's going through and what you know her friends or whatever can she even say that I'm her father

she has to hide that I'm very sure in fact I'm 99% sure that they've never told her brothers and sisters that I'm her father what do you want to make a bet I will guarantee that her brothers and sisters don't even know I exist

they never told her that so that girl lives with a secret have you ever lived with a secret fucking sucks doesn't it sucks sucks somebody you suck the cock in the eighth grade now you're 28 years and you're like

what the fuck is up with my life I mean yeah these are things you gotta think of you know I fucking hate it but it's the truth I enjoy King Richard when I watched the movie I never thought about anything else I just focused on the story of these beautiful fucking girls

and what they ended up doing with their life. I didn't care about anything fucking else. Why would I? But there's always some people who can't let her fucking go. Who can't let it go? That your success is important. I, listen, guys, I dealt with it for close to, from the very time I opened my mouth

that I was a felon and started telling my story from Beauty and the Beast, I've been getting fucking hate mail. And guess what? I don't even give a fuck. Because they never understood that I opened up to say it. You know how much balls it takes to get in front of a fucking camera and tell people that you kidnap somebody when you're trying to build a career?

It's not really a career builder. Do you know what I'm saying? Do you know how hard it is to try to build a career and get into movies? And, you know, and I'm sitting here twice a week telling you guys about, you know, fucking robbing a pool hall or robbing a fucking gas station or, you know, going up to Idaho and fingering an American Indian girl

and fucking having fucking, what do you call that shit on your finger? Fucking, I swear to God, she had a little yeast infection. So when I fingered it was like yogurt on my fingers. I could smell on my hand the rest of the night. Do you guys need the stories about me shitting in cemetery?

I've told you some stories that most people wouldn't open up to you. about. And I did it with my heart with laughter. I don't give a fuck. Why? Because it happened. And I want you guys to know it. So in 10 years from now, when it comes out, Joey Diaz once took a shit in the cemetery. You're just reporting that now? He told me that on the podcast in 2000, fucking 10, you dumb fuck. But that's what it's all about. I didn't want to hold back nothing from you motherfuckers because I didn't want that to happen. Look what happened last year with all these people. Now, what came out from that?

All these women stuck up for me. Not that I treated them. That's what you do when you're a male comic. Yeah, you're going to bump into chicks that want to sniff your nuts, and then you have to control yourself. But when you're a young comic, you don't have any fucking control. This is why you got into the comedy game to fucking fuck, suck, do drugs, and not have any responsibilities.

And now, 30 years later, they want you to be, everybody to be Jim Gaffigan and not have a past and talk about bacon and shit. Go fuck you, mum. I don't want fucking a straight-up comic I want a comic that's got some fucking rush to him You understand me? I want a comic that has a little life to him I like listening to Sheppel

I like listening to fucking Rogan I like listening I don't want to hear about fucking bacon all day And you white people clapping for that shit I don't give a fuck It's over dog It's 2022 It's time for therapy

Real quick Here now for a word For my motherfucking sponsor For the last couple months I struggled and I made a decision not to struggle. So without further ado, the joint is brought to you by Better Help Online Therapy. Listen, BetterHelp wants you to know the truth about some of the stigmas around mental health.

I had the same stigmas and they're gone. Therapy has helped me so fucking much. I didn't even know. I'll tell you what, man, and this is the beauty of it. I'm dealing with anxiety. but through therapy I found out that it's the same thing why are we taking a pill

there's work to be done so when you go on better help they actually give you worksheets and they talk to you about cognitive behavior and all this shit how to push bad thoughts and all that stuff out of your mind now you guys have been watching me for years

you've never heard me talk about these things I took this seriously the pandemic the whole thing has destroyed people's lives a lot of people don't know where they're fucking standing where they're thinking, and I was one of those people. I'm not ashamed to fucking say it. I contacted Better Out, and my life is completely fucking different.

Many people think therapies for so-called crazy people. That's a lie. Therapy doesn't mean something's wrong with you. It means that you're recognizing that we're all humans and that we all have emotions and need to learn to control them and avoid them. Therapy is a tool to utilize before things get worse. I got a sign sent to me March 2nd.

I'll tell you some other time. I was going to an agent's house to watch the Chinese girl from the UFC fight Rose or the other girl, the Russian girl with the brown hair, what that always does the toenails and stuff. And I was acting erratic. I was getting in and out of the car. I didn't recognize that. That was what my anxiety really was. I never tagged it, and this is why I am here today. So I'm very happy I found BetterHelp.

Don't wait until it's fucking unbearable. Better help is customized online therapy. they offer video phone and live chat sessions. You don't have to see anybody on camera if you don't want to. And I'll tell you what, it's much more affordable than in-person therapy. And you can start communicating with your therapist in less than 48 hours. I had a therapist. I still deal with her.

Her name is Dana. She had nice gloves in the beginning. She held me together. And here I am today starting to kick some fucking ass. So listen, don't hold yourself back. 2020 is right around the corner. Give it a try and see why over 2 million people have used BetterHelp online therapy. And just for the joint listeners, what we're going to do is we're going to give you 10% off your first month.

Joey, that's not much, but it's going to help you. First off, BetterHelp's not overly expensive, so you're already getting the break. And Uncle Joey's coming at you with 10%. You got no excuses. So do me a favor. Go to BetterHelp.com slash Diaz. That's betterhelp.com. Diaz, D-I-A-Z.

That's betterhelp.com slash Diaz. Take control of your life and get the fucking help you deserve coxuckers. Trust me, I did it and I feel tip, top magoo.

It took a while. It took a while and it takes work on your end, guys. You're not gonna fucking, you're not gonna do therapy. They're gonna send your medication and you're gonna sit in front of the fucking TV

and watch shit all day. No, you gotta work a little bit. You gotta go for a walk. You gotta get some violence. You got to fucking take your vitamins. You got to do a thousand fucking a thousand things before you even have to do anything when you're taking care of yourself. It's your health, cock suckers. Better help slash Diaz.

Now where the fuck? What are we? Mike? I don't even fucking know. This whole therapeutic quam got me out of fucking pickle. So yeah, it's just I don't know. You know, I don't know what people are supposed to. I don't know how people want you to act.

like do you want me to walk around wounded? You know, I'm sure a lot of you people want this got divorced. Divorce is a very hard fucking transition, okay? Very hard transition when you get divorced. Talk to people who have been divorced. It's a fucking nightmare. Don't get divorced. It's too much paperwork.

The kids, the attorneys, everybody fucking lies to you. Don't get motherfucking divorced. But if you divorce somebody, how are they going to feel about you? If you contact somebody's ex, what are they going to say about? he's a great guy he's she's a great woman nobody nobody very seldom do people break up and go you know what we just

didn't get along we're gonna go on our own ways now it just doesn't work that way there's always some type of fucking animosity you know so whatever I don't even know how we got to the fucking animosity and the divorces who gives the fuck it's Monday November the 29th guys

and we got what 29 one more day November has 30 31, holy shit, guys. This year's got like 33 days left, 33 days left. 33 years, Jesus Christ. I'm thinking, I'm looking at that physical graffiti album too much. 10 years gone is the fucking name of that song.

But no, I just didn't understand that this morning. And I was talking about me and my wife were talking about it Sunday morning at breakfast, how people are going after him now. The daughter, the one daughter was going after him from the pretern. previous marriage, he's living with a he's got a son, dog, they're African fucking Americans. You know, this guy, I mean, you don't

expect to fall like this. You know, before I, John Berthel's in the movie, so I remember John Berndtall having a conversation about his father. And even Berndtall did some deep, you know, John is an actor, a really good actor, and he digs deep into everything.

And he was like, the guy had some fucking issues. but all that, all that that movie should make you want to do is honor your fucking daughters. I watched the movie and I was like, okay, I'm on the right fucking path to you. I'm not beating my daughter. I would never raise my hand to my daughter. We discussed that 10 years ago and this is not happening when the nun hit me. I don't believe in hitting fucking kids.

You know what? When I got hit, it didn't fucking change who I was. It didn't. When you get hit when you're older, you learn, you know, when somebody hits you for not paying your drugs or when you don't pay a bookie or something like that, it's one different thing, but no. My mother and parents hit me isn't what, if I look deep at it,

it was when people spoke to me. It was when people pulled me aside, sat me down, looked at my eyes, and talked to me, and said, just look at it for yourself. You're doing something wrong, and at first I'd be a little apprehensive, but as you go along, you're like, yeah, it was me, and then it all goes away.

I'm not here to blame, you know, one of my biggest fucking weaknesses for years was not copping to the truth not copying to your mistakes not you know

recognizing your mistakes and going fuck I fucked up that was one of my biggest that's why they threw me in jail I didn't get thrown in jail because listen between me and you all three of us should have been in jail

me Vela and fucking Tidwell you know I didn't like that they made Vela a fucking victim but that was then this is now we overcame that I'm happy that I told you guys about my kidnapping. I'm happy I told you all these things. So when the book comes out and you read it,

I even got Whitney Houston in there for people who don't want to hear that. I had them. I'm opening up my heart to you guys. I'm going to show you my struggle from my youth. I'm going to show you my struggle in prison. I'm going to show you my struggle as a comic. And I'm really having a good time with the comic struggle because it's not as bad.

You know, the book turned after prison and after I leave my daughter and stuff like that. after I moved from Boulder, the book takes an edge that you look at and go, what the fuck? We were going through all this hell and fireworks and prisons and people getting smacked and people getting yelled at and people getting buried.

And now we're at this calm fucking of the storm, which was my comedy career. It was very, I struggled, but it's not as the struggle that I had in my earlier, fucking in my earlier, in my youth. So you're going to struggle for fucking ever. There's always going to be people

who are going to try to fucking derail you like they tried to derail this fucking Will Smith movie. Who gives a fuck? Those people go to fuck away when they can't get that way. See, because everybody always wants something. That's what you people got to remember.

That's why whenever you see an artist, movie star, athlete, he accomplishes something really good. Ten days later, there's something negative in there. And we all believe that shit. Don't believe it. You're not there.

And right away, you attack whoever the fuck that talk. about that's not the way it is somebody was not happy couple months ago we saw something that was very shocking i didn't get mad at them i didn't say nothing but it made you think it was when rogan got the deal nobody really said nothing a couple people complained you know people try to knock them down now they just gave up now they're not even quoting them on everything now the horse wormer and all that shit but i don't even know i was going to tell you about rogan who the fuck gives the shit.

That's what happens. People, no, as soon as he got the hundred, do you remember Marin went off a couple months ago? He was doing Tom Sigorous thing and he actually said fucking Joe Rogan, he does those noise. I'm not mad at Marin for doing it. I expected somebody

to fucking be mad about Rogan getting the deal. I wasn't mad, I was happy for him. I never said a negative fucking thing about it. I was just cracking jokes the whole time. I've had 20 conversations. with Joe about, you know, how positive it was and what a great time we have. But even that, and I'm not mad at Marin. I'm not bad mouth of Marin.

I like Mark. Mark's put me on his shows. Me and Mark have great conversation. I think Mark is a great musician. I'm just using Mark as an example that, you know, Mark went on Tom Segirl one day and just, you know, you know, he let his emotions go. I wouldn't have done something like that. I'm sure I've done things like that in the past on the podcast. I've said of somebody who, you know, but it's not, I was never upset with Joe.

I'm not, listen, guys, to become, to grow as a human being, as an artist, you have to be happy for your peers, sincerely from your heart. I'm not talking about, ha-ha, I'm so happy for Mike. He's and the food fighters now. And I'll turn around them as I'm walking, fuck Mike can't play the fucking guitar. No, I'm talking about, and I could look you guys in the face all these and tell you that when my brother Josh Wolf in 1999 got that deal, again, I'll tell you, for 10 minutes, I thought negative things. And I said, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you're in the karma business, Uncle Joey. You have to be happy for them with no fucking snags.

You have to check your stomach. You know, like you always in your stomach He'll say like, fuck that motherfucker. No, no, no, no. It's got to be pure. And when you attain that happiness for other people, you will start to fucking grow. Try it.

Try it. Instead of fucking looking for people's short end, just say, you know what? I'm happy for that motherfucker. I have disagreements with him, but I know the work he put in. Because I put the same work in, and now I know the work I have to put in

to accomplish the same goals as him. And trust me, dog, we do it with music all the time. I'm a real critical music fucking fan. But I always like, okay, I'll tell you some shit I was thinking about it. The other day by myself and the car. That fucking bang Greta Van Horn came on. Whatever the fuck, Greta Van Fleet. I like the songs, okay?

The songs are great. But you motherfuckers that compare them to Led Zeppelin after four songs, you better get your fucking shit together. it's like in the UFC when a guy takes like a three fights kid and he wins decisively and all of a sudden you're like he's back! Let's give him two more fights.

I see how back he really is. Let's not get excited. Let's sit tight and see how he reacts to this. We don't, you know, we just go fucking nuts on this shit. So I don't believe. It's the truth. I like them.

I'm not saying nothing negative about him. I just want you to understand that. I'm just saying, Led Zeppelin, Led Zeppelin put out nine fucking albums. Okay. The accomplishment wasn't a nine albums. You know what the accomplishment was, the band?

They stayed together. That's the accomplishment with the band. How long can you stay with it? What if you come to your girlfriend? I think I want the next album to be acoustic. Acoustic. And they start going on. We hate acoustic, you know.

Yeah. That's what's going to, you know. So, I don't know. You got a. fucking believe in your moves. You got to eliminate all this shit they're going to say about you and just believe. And listen, guys, I had to go through this.

If you don't think every time I got an accomplishment as I saw people on Twitter, I'm like, who the fuck is going to raise their hand this week? I'm surprised none of the guys I did time with have raised their fucking hands. Not one

of them. One guy called in, looked me up. Alexander, Alex, Alec, or whatever, he was on the podcast when we first, I forget what his name was. He was my roommate in the halfway house, Mexican kid, Alex, or whatever his name was. But that's the only guy.

I reached out to a guy, Andrew Purdy. As soon as that fucking Longest Yard came out, I thought there'd be 20 convicts. I did time with that motherfucker. He almost blew up the kitchen one time with his fucking bagels and shit. That dude used to hold steroids for the mother. You know, I didn't know who was going to come out.

and raised the hand. But you know what? Nobody fucking did. And when those other people two years ago came out and, oh, he got his dick sucked in the belly room. Who else came out to raise their hand? One person,

that stiffs, that poor fat bastard that's dead's fucking creepy wife. I showed him my cock. Why would I show you my cock? Nobody's even hit on you since the fucking guy died. But anyway, that's a complete sniffing story. Why the fuck open up that can of worms?

It's motherfucking Monday, Jack. And we're fired the fuck up November 29. night we finally got here you know what the year's been fucking lumpy but better days are fucking coming i know you people like joey they closed is real we're gonna call listen wake up take your vitamins keep slinging dick jett our fucking ex our fucking party is just starting i've been down for a fucking year you know what i felt like i couldn't make eye contact i couldn't fucking get up in the morning i couldn't talk to fucking people i couldn't wait i couldn't wait for mike leave rie came here one time i couldn't wait for

him to fucking leave for a year I fucking suffered in silence but I did the work behind the scenes and here we are today ready to sling dick I'm going to Jiu-Titoo tomorrow at 12 and that's all that matters a shout out to my coach Sean over at Jiu Jitsu is taking me under his fucking wing

and look I'm a new fucking man cocksucker we got on it we had the cyber sale last Monday I put up the freeze pipe video the fucking freeze pipe video people went fucking nuts I love you motherfuckers on it still got their sale going on Freeze Pipe got their fucking sale going on.

Draft King ZipRecruiter. We got it going on for 2022. I love you, motherfuckers. I hope you have a great Monday. I hope you have a great week. Watch True fucking Story with Kevin Hart and my man from New Jack City

and watch fucking King Richard. I don't want to hear about his past life or his daughters or why he was. What's that song by Bruce Springsteen? I went down. I love that song. Everybody got a hungry heart. I went,

Buffalo Jack I went out for a ride And I never came back That's it Like a river That's going overflown That's it baby That's my fucking story

I love you cock suckers With all my heart Have a great week Thank you for watching the joint And now For a word For my motherfucking sponsors Jack

All right you bad motherfuckers I want to thank you For listening to the joint today You know It was what it was I was a little upset about Will Smith's movie because there's always somebody who wants to talk about

your fucking past or what you did 23 years ago. Fuck those motherfuckers. Like I said, the joint is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy. Listen, Better Help wants you to know the truth about some of the stigmas around mental health. Listen, I know you're feeling a little weird.

Some of you're, the world just changed the last 19, 20 months. He's supposed to feel fucking weird. But therapy is here to help you. Many people think that therapy's for crazy people, But it's really not, man. And I thought the same thing, too. I went to a couple group therapy things,

and I didn't feel too good about it, but I'll tell you, after the last year, I had to do something, and somebody referred better help to me. And I met with a Dana called, I met with a counselor called Dana, and I got to tell you, man, I feel a lot better.

Therapy doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It means you recognize that we're all humans and that we all have emotions, and you've got to learn to control them and not avoid them because they've got to pop up. And that's what happened with me. I wasn't smoking dope, All those things I had buried were coming up

and I had to fucking flush them out. So I contacted BetterHelp.com. And Dana's there for me. Therapies are tool to utilize before things get worse. And I was bad, man. So don't wait until things are unbearable like I did. Jump right now. Everybody needs a little help.

Let me tell you something. Better help is more affordable than in-person therapy. Again, Better Help is more affordable than in-person therapy. It's customized online therapy. They offer video, phone, even live chat sessions. If you don't want to see no one, the camera won't see you either, so it's fine. It's much more affordable, and yes,

you can start communicating with your therapist in less than 48 hours. That's pretty big right there. So if you contact the, if you contact better help today, don't reach out to you like by Wednesday. Take their little survey, pay attention to what they're doing, answer honestly, and man, you're gonna get some great results. Give it a try and see why over 2 million people

have used BetterHelp online therapy. And just for the joint listeners, I'm gonna do this. This is cheap as it is, but you're gonna get 10% off your first month at BetterHelp.com slash Diaz. D-I-A-Z. That's Betterhelp.com slash Diaz. Take control of your life and get the help you deserve. Better help.

The joint is also brought to you by ZipRecruiter. I just showed Mikey Rush my emails. I got 10 of them and three of them are from ZipRecruiter. of them were from ZipRecruiter because I sent them a Fugazi resume. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't do it on purpose. I just haven't filled out a resume in years. And every day they come back to me like 10 jobs.

Listen, as the holidays approach, there's still a lot of jobs to fill. You know, so if you got a job opening and you need help filling it, and right now everybody needs help, I don't know why half the world isn't on ZipRecruiter because it's for free. Right now, ZipRecruiter.com slash Joey is free. ZipRecruiter uses the powerful technology to find and match the right candidates with your job in mind. You could easily review your recommendations and invite your top choices to apply. It's so effective ZipRecruiter that four out of five employers who post get a quality candidate within the first day.

ZipRecruiter is rated. It's the number one rated hiring site in the U.S. Why? Because they're so effective that four to five employers know. This is the real deal. I don't care if you got a small business or a fucking company that's busting at the seams. Right now, you could try ZipRecruiter for free.

Joey, what are you talking about? ZipRecruiter.com slash Joey. J-O-E-Y, that's ZipRecruiter.com slash Joey. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. And do not forget, you don't want to kick up 2022 or fucked up. That's why I'm offering you on it. They had their black, Friday, cyber sale on Monday.

But listen, they're offering 60% discounts on everything. Kettlebells, clubbats, shroom tech, black label, protein bites, hydro tech. Listen, energy, new mood. Listen, I've been working with them for 12 years. I love them. I went through my alpha brain cycle earlier this year from August or September, and that's why we're here. That's also part of what helped me out.

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Try something. I don't give a fuck what you try. And get 10% off delivered right to your house. Thank you guys. I want to thank Honet. I want to thank ZipRecruiter. I want to thank better help on a beautiful Monday. I have better help in all these.

The reason I want I have these, I know these products will help you guys. I'm not just sitting here fucking jumping up and down. I got 20 people a day reaching out for me to help them. I like these products, and that's why give them a try. Whether it's better help, zip recruit or on it, you won't be let down. I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. Don't forget, they got tons of fucking laughing gas at the ice cream shop. If you buy laughing gas from any other place, it's not the real laughing gas.

So I'm giving you guys a heads up. Stay black. I love you, motherfuckers, and I'll see you Wednesday morning. Tip Top Magoo.