The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 12/02/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #132

Episode Date: December 2, 2013

Bobby Slayton calls in. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Recorded live on 12/02/2013.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anywhere, any time on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey. That's Huluplus.com slash Joey. And by Dollar Shave Club.com. Get high-quality razors sent to your door each and every month

for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now, go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash church. or just go to Joey Diaz.net and click on the Dollarstay of Club banner. Oh shit. Oh, motherfucking shit. Oh shit. It's Monday, cock suckers.

Get up. Scratch your ass. Scratch your nuts. Wash that pussy. Do what you need to do. There's something out there waiting for your life, cock suckers. Hit that motherfucker league. What?

As a fucking rider, get up. It's December 2nd. fucking maggots. Smile. It's your fucking day in front of the camera, coxuckers. It's a beautiful day

to be alive. Jumping jack, leg stretching, squats, whatever the fuck you got to do. A good shit, a good bowl of

oatmeal, some blueberries. What deal are you giving away for Cyber Monday? You can smell my dick for a dollar. That's a chance

for Cyber Monday, cock suckers. Happy Monday to you motherfuckers. Hope you had a great weekend here. We're back, bitches,

the church of what's happening now. Lee Syatt, Matt Flavor, and the assistant for the week, my main man, Dickie Syatt. What's happening, Lee? Where the fuck you've been all week? Nothing got me so high on Saturday night that we'd go out into Denny's yesterday, and I didn't get any eggs. I said, double pancakes, double bacon. You just killed the eggs.

You said, fuck the cholesterol. Fuck it. I'm going for broke cutoff. We've been getting your high since Wednesday night. We don't fuck around. Good Live podcast, Rock, or Obesie, the fucking gangster. My man, Sal Robots. We had a good time up there.

Yeah, that was awesome. Nice weekend in San Diego. Great fucking club, good food, good service, you know. The door is by the stage. I don't like that, but what are you going to do? You can't fucking get everything, you know? No, everyone was very nice, and it's always fun going to those shows. Listen, man, those shows, I like doing them.

I like being on stage and doing comedy, but I like it afterwards. When I talk to people, I can bullshit to people. And that wasn't a great scenario out front there. We couldn't blow fucking bazookas, and not everybody was smoking big. big dope so next time I'll go to a different venue somewhere a backyard we're not so fucking in the forefront I like being you know right there fucking a lot of people stop breathing the mic one of you cucks up I turned it down I got enough problems you know what I'm saying you're over there falling asleep and I snorting somebody's fucking piece of bread they left on the mic

and shit my commission's at the rod what cucksucker what tell me something good Lisa yeah nothing dude it's uh it's been a crazy weekend I don't know I have I don't know I I wish I had more to tell you. It's been a long weekend and fucking hung over from all the edibles. But you know what was good? Those CBD ones, it's kind of the chibbutchews. Like it was intense, but it didn't like take me over the edge where it was like having a panic attack. No, it's 70 milligram and it's got the pain relief in it.

So the pain relief hits you in like 30 minutes, but the Rifa hits you in like 15 minutes to relieve the pain. So together, it's a true. Bro, it's one of the best ideas I've ever heard in my life. There's nights I come back from a gym or Y and I'm a little sore And I'll pop one of those fucking CBDs like a soldier Just because I know So there's nothing wrong with those

But we'll tell you something that's bothering me Let's get it out of the fucking way of people We had Diagostino with us And Steve Simone and San Diego Yeah, great chance It's not my business to tell this story But I'm going to tell it Because there's a moral to this fucking story

And it applies to a lot of you people It applies to all of us at one point in our fucking lives And I want you to stick by this fucking rule because if you don't stick by it, nothing's going to pan out for you. The Agostino is a dear friend of ours. He works at the Haha Cafe. Okay, I gave him this week a month ago.

I gave him this weekend in San Diego. It had to be fucking two months ago. Okay. Okay, so he went to his manager at the Haha and said, listen, this week I'm taking off. They said, fine, as long as you make up the fucking hours. The Agostino went in there, worked the hours, did everything he had to do.

On Friday, he called up, and they suspended him for a week with no pay. What? Okay. And I've always known this. And you know what? This is going to backlash me, but I don't really give a fuck because there's a moral to this story. And the moral is Diagostino is a great guy.

When people hire you sometimes and when people, you do something for somebody, like if you go to me and you go, yeah, I like to come work with you. Okay. And then before, after they give you the job, you drop the, oh, by the way, I'm also a fucking painter or I'm also a poet. I need Sundays off. And they'll look you straight in the fucking eye. They go, listen, this is an artist colony. We're here to fuel the flames of artistry. They tell you some fucking bullshit story.

There's the same bullshit story your aunt and uncle tell you, or sometimes your parents tell you because they don't understand what you're getting into and they're scared for you. Some people are scared for you, and that I understand. I'm sure at one time we came to you and said he wanted to do something, you said yes, but in your heart you were a little scared for him. And then after he does, it just happens in life.

And sometimes some parents go, you're fucking crazy. You can't even clean your fucking room. You can't even clean your fucking room. How are you going to jump off a mountain with a fucking parachute? And that's true too. We have sometimes, you know, well, I'm going to be present to the United States. You get a D in fucking art. You got a D in finger painting, and you've got to be a fucking printout.

You know, there's just people who are delusional. But sometimes you wake up one morning, you know what, man, I don't want to be a fucking brickmason normal. I don't want to bust my balls. I want to go out and play the guitar and teach fucking kids how to play the guitar. It makes $8 an hour, but I don't want to be a fucking mason. I have no stress. And people look at you right away.

What are you a fucking loser? You're giving up a union? Whatever the opportunity is, there's always somebody to come fuck with you. But there's two different people. There's people that fuck with you. The way I fuck with Lee, from the love of my heart. And there's people that fuck with you in a way that it goes to hold you down.

So they suspended this kid with no fucking pay. It's the best thing that's ever happened to him. But at the same fucking time, I'm going to tell you something, people and anybody who ever stepped in my dream I never spoke to them again he's he shouldn't go back if you call me a fat spick my mother sucked dick you know a fat Jew whatever the fuck you want to call me that doesn't offend me if you got a problem with my comedy or whatever that doesn't offend me you got a problem with the podcast we're all gonna we all don't like anything but don't ever getting somebody's fucking dream or tell them no

or squash them because of your fucking insecurities that gets to me like nothing else in the fucking world. Yeah. He's worked there for years. Years. This isn't a new job. And he worked... I talked to him last week. He was working the day-opening shift and they called him and said, I can't come in at night. So he worked the whole shift. The whole shift. And told him

I have that weekend off and they said yes. Just to have a weekend off. And you know what, man? It's people that stand behind the fucking lie. I'm telling you, that's why I say this to anybody. Don't let nobody fuck with your fucking dream at any fucking level. As soon as they say something negative about your dream, you know what?

It's not even that you're mad at them. You're done with them because if they can't back you with you at a movie theater. If they can't jump in to back you, I don't want it and I ever see you again. There's no reason for me to fucking hang out with you again. You know what? We all get scared of life. But if somebody's beating up or hitting one of my friends or something, happened a couple weeks ago at the fucking farmer's market, I can't go back.

I can't go back. I can't go back to the fucking farmer's market because I stuck up for the little security guard that was getting eight bucks an hour on a Sunday. But this is our society today where they talk about getting bullied. This man was getting bullied by paparazzi. Bullied by paparazzi. I don't give a fuck. If I see a mismatch, I'm jumping in there.

That's the same thing about things to do with life. If somebody gets in my way with a dream or something stupid, and I advise it for you too because they'll make your life that much easier. It's hard enough trying to live your dream, not seeing this person constantly and then bang it out. You say, how are you doing with that comedy? And you look at them and you're like, I just bought you a fucking. cheeseburger and you're stepping on my fucking dream you know what suck my fucking dick don't ever let me fucking see you again because next time i'll piss on you while you're

fucking standing there and after you lie down i'll piss on you again like that building g's up hos down that's my point for the day don't let nobody step on your fucking dream there's a thousand miserable fucking people out there that'll tell you why you're gonna fucking uh why you're not gonna fucking make it and it sucks dick when it happens it sucks and i knew he was a little you know when i talked to him on the phone that day. He was kind of jaded. Sure you're jaded. These are the people you break bread with. Yeah. These aren't some fucking strange.

These are people you fucking break bread with. Now, do you think... And it's not you, but do you think because you don't go down there as much anymore? Do you think it's because he was working with you? Well, there's a lot of reasons. There's a lot of reasons, you know? They don't like me. I don't fucking like them.

You know, they make $8,000 a fucking week off comics there. And when you go to get paid $20, they fucking turn their back on you. They don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I never asked them for money because I knew... I don't feel like taking them. fucking sent for me or whatever but they don't like me I don't really like them and I don't give a fuck

they use me the way I use them I used them to get my comedy better and they used me to close the show I would never let them put my name on the marquee to make a dime off me never never not even fucking close you never put it on Twitter or anything no they've asked me a thousand times to do this and this I don't do none of that shit because I don't want to get to that point

because if I know you're going to rob me if I don't know you're going to rob me and you rob me that's one thing but if I know you're going to rob me I can't I don't have the right to smack you. The only person I can smack as myself for doing a fucking business with you. And that's it. You follow what I'm saying? So I just kept them at fucking arms

distance. Yeah, I'll come down on a Wednesday, do a spot? Do you want to give me a spot on Friday? She's even told me no a couple times. So I know you don't want me down there. I don't give a fuck. Yeah. It's not my home. It's not my place. And I know what it is to have to pay rent, so I know why it's scary. But this is like

the thing where they had me coming on a Saturday night. Like this is the thing. Now he's going to realize he doesn't need to work with them for the whole week. They've just fucked up. Listen, man, when somebody steps on your fucking dream, that's it, you're pretty much done. And it's the best thing that happened to the Agostino. It's not like

he's got children, and he's got a big responsibility, he's got half a fucking rent with his wife, and his wife works. He's got two fucking car payments. He's a great kid. I love the kid. I love the kid. I stand behind them 100%. And I saw it. You know, I saw how they are, and I don't give

a fuck if it bites me, and he asks. My whole fucking life bit me in the fucking ass. they could all suck my dick you know what I'm saying it's Monday where's Tony Bennett bitch oh shit hit it

hit that motherfucker Mr. Sayah let's break out some weed let's where there's that gooby bearer let's start the Monday I was wondering when you're gonna say

you know what the fuck sing it Lee I want to be around are you fucking kidding me or what to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart to die

some somebody twice as smart oh shit who's the last time you had a goo-me with your coffee who does that in Florida nobody we live like fucking doctors here so how was I put it on Twitter but I didn't forget to ask you but how is yo gabba gabba it was brilliant I was brilliant because they rob you without a gun really it's the worst day show ever seen in my life it's a black guy with a bunch of puppets singing stepping out of fucking tune then the last half hour bismarcky comes on like kids ain't scared enough yeah he's

the rapper oh no he comes up fucking hysterical and he brings kids on stage my daughter was too young you know it shocked that when they first came out she was shocked she even like looked at me and crawled over like she was shaking the music was loud yeah that once she recognized the songs and shit well there's a party in my tummy and my time Go yummy, go yummy Go yummy There's a party in my tummy Go yummy

Ooh, Mr. Carrot Why are you crying? We want to go to the party in your tummy Fuck and she went in that one And there's one of the jam that she liked And after that they have a half time For you to spend money Got them buy T-shirts

I bought the lights that spin around Oh yeah? Sure I didn't bring cash So all that shit was cash They have an ATM, but they want like $8 to give you fucking $10 their fucking thieves. Of course, yeah. But it was, listen, I never did that shit as a kid.

And listen, as a parent, Mr. Sayat, you sit there and you go, what the fuck am I doing here? But you know that it makes your kids world. And you want to see that shit. And I saw the kids and how they acted and I saw the single moms and I saw the families. And you just see this beautiful fucking thing. I never looked at before. I never looked at it before because I never thought I'd have one. You know, so I never even bothered.

to look into that window of my life. But it's very neat to see, and I had a pee, and I was getting anxiety. I ate a cookie. I ate a pot cookie because I didn't want to smell like Riefer. Oh, my God, was that a fucking mistake? I kept looking at all these little fucking kids surrounding me. It's like being on Mars.

All these little kids dressed up like DJ Lance with orange hats and shit. You know, it's like 300 bucks. They fucking fuck you up the ass. Yeah. It's not about you and about getting fucked up the ads. It's about making your child smile. It's about making something. least fucking day, you know.

We had lunch, my friend's kid came with us, Jade. Oh, cool. The Asian little cute. You love her. Oh, I love my Jade. I love Jade with all my heart. She's seven, and she calls me Uncle Joey since day one, and she's just a great kid, you know. And I like her brothers, too.

I like kids, man. I've always liked kids, and they're a nice family, and they're serious. So that's it. Just went down there. Got in my fucking car, drove home, took a shower to wash the flu off me. And then I got dressed and drove down to fucking San Diego in two hours in the daytime. 2.15 maybe in the daytime? Yeah.

San Diego was a pretty city. It really is. I just didn't know there was that many fucking people down there on a Friday and Saturday night walking around. Oh, they go crazy. It's really sensational. The food is great. You know, San Diego's a big-ass fucking city. Like, it's just, and at night it's gorgeous.

When you drive off to fucking five and drive on to downtown, it's fucking beautiful. It's just amazing, you know. But I'm happy. a lot of people came out and we had a fucking good time and people were jumping up and down and whatnot and that's it. By the way Mr. Syatt pointed something out that I really wanted to talk about today

uh on it's having a black Monday sale. So cyber Monday. Cyber Monday sell 25% off till midnight. Do me a favor. I'm more and more impressed with them. I've never been impressed with supplements by no fucking level. I don't believe people. I don't give a fun. I'm more and more impressed with them. Like I said, every morning I do the

hump shake, the chocolate. I finish my vanilla and I put a scoop of glutecore in there for the fucking muscles. I don't eat for a few fucking hours. It fills me. That protein fucking fills me. That's what protein's supposed to fucking do. It's supposed to fill you the fuck up. You know, when I go to this jih Tzu, this kettlebell class an hour before, I drop two of those

Shroom Tech sports. And I'll tell you what, do I go in there and jump up and down like I got P.F. fucking flyers on? No. But I know for a fact, for a 50-year-old guy, I'm breathing better. You know, my timing's better, so I'm not feeling like I'm going to fucking pass something going to anxiety. So the shroom tech's work.

Go to fucking onit.com. Go to Joey Diaz.com. Click on the box. What's the code work? Church. And you get 10% off. I don't know if it's additional, but who gives a fuck?

Go to Cyber Monday. Support on it. They support us. And they're a great fucking product like anything else I back. All right. Stay black. That's all I got to fucking tell you,

Chuck suck is today. I just want to remind you about Cyber Monday. Go now. Right now. Go to fucking on it. And cut this shit. See what they got going on. They got ropes.

They got fucking kettlebells. They got all types of nutrients. They even still fucking stevia, and guess what? It comes right to your fucking door. You don't got to leave the goddamn house. And that's the best part about life. While they're fucking moving around driving in traffic, you're at home scratching your nuts with a big bazook in your mouth,

watching New England kick the fuck out of Texans. Well, they're only one by three, but they still squeak it out, man. That's all that matters, you know what I'm saying? It was fucking scared. But I loved it. But you know what it was crazy? I shopped on Amazon on Friday. It came yesterday.

It's fucking awesome. I don't know why. Amazon.com cut a deal with the post office for Sunday delivery. Can imagine how much that cost one company? And we got an Amazon portal. People say you can't find it. It's on there. It's on in those links along with whatever.

Just click on to it and we'll make it work for you. Right. People have been asking me, Joey, it's a holiday season. We want to donate to the podcast. Do the Amazon fucking portal. Go, go. Knock yourself out. I love you guys for even bringing that shit up.

The shirts, the patches, the cups. They're all coming. Everybody's going to have a fucking church of what's happening now, patch for their fucking geek, whether it's karate, ballet, jiu-jitsu. I don't give a fuck. Whether you wear a little fag suit and jump around on the weekends, there's going to be a church patch on there.

You're going to be representing. It's going to be like a get-out-of-fucking jail-free card. Anytime you're a church member, you see a motherfucker with a church patch on. If he's in a beef, you jump over, and you represent with a fucking new chuck. You hit that motherfucker with a candle. I don't give a fuck, you understand me?

It's Monday, November. second get up cocks suckers I don't know why you'd have a candle so because you're trying though Jewish lightning you don't want fingerprints you follow me a lighter that's fucking fundamental anybody could carry a lighter walk around with a fucking candle that's the tough motherfuckers right say it and already and already got a lighter and already lit candles and already lit just walk around like you're looking for fucking Frankenstein who gives a fuck you know what I'm saying fuck it cotsuckers oh my god you're crazy another thing I want to tell you people too that's really important you don't

get all these emails on the weekends yesterday I answer like 80 fucking emails. A lot to do with addiction that were helping people out by talking about addiction stories and how you fucking recover. This is fucking easy people. I got to talk to you about two things.

That's real important. Number one, man, you know what? Whatever the fuck you want to do? Don't put a ceiling on you. Like, I always heard... When I first heard that expression, I thought it was the best expression I ever heard in my life.

Never put a ceiling on your life. Like, just fucking go for it. Just fucking go for. Who gives a fuck? And we are doing... We're all going to the movies to go on the 25th. I can't wait.

You know, and I can't wait. You're going to get popcorn. The church is going on a school fucking outing. When was the last time your fucking church took you to the fucking movies and you smoked dope and you ate at a booze? And you got to hang out with a flying fucking Jew on Christmas Eve. Christmas Day! That's what we're doing this year.

We haven't picked a movie to yet because we don't know what grudge match is going to be. Somebody sent me a very interesting email. And I want to talk about it. They said, you're making this thing. What if the movie sucks? Who gives a fuck? Seven out of ten, the movie's going to suck. They all fucking suck.

It's not a fucking movie. It's about a fat fucking felon That was confused just like you motherfuckers are That didn't know what the fuck he was gonna do And just started doing something and stuck with it And eventually, while all these motherfuckers were going to parties And ha-ha-ha-ha-on-it and going on Comedy Central I must have hit the right nerve

And got on the right fucking movie That's it We're not celebrating nothing else We're celebrating movement We're not even celebrating me We're celebrating fucking movement That there is fucking hope for your pathetic fucking ass Because I was a pathetic cock sucker

And there's hope They don't know. De Niro don't know I used to rob fucking people. You know what I'm saying? With New Chucks and the candle? They don't fucking know. The point is we'll celebrate movement, cock suckers. And sometimes that's the best thing in the world is celebrate.

You see, one of your friends, a zombie you like, and he makes a fucking killing. You celebrate movement. You don't celebrate him. Who gives a fuck about that fucking cock's up? Yeah, that's kind of a shitty thing to say. It wasn't a shitty thing to say. It's correct. I felt the same way when I opened my mouth, but who gives a fuck?

This is the church, and it's all about fucking movement. It's about movement. It's about being somewhere and then being somewhere else in a short period of time and you put your balls on the line and you don't give a fucking. You don't look back and you don't look. Nobody's stepping your fucking way. And if they do step in your way, you kick them in the fucking nuts and you spit on them and you go, fuck, you cocksucker.

Yeah, well. This train is moving forward, you know what I'm saying? I guess, but like it's, I hate when people do that when like, like, like, just even, let's say the movie sucks. Let's say it's a bomb. Let's say it sucks. You worked hard on it, the director. Everyone on it worked hard on it. So, I mean, yeah, it sucks.

Why not go and have a good time, Christmas night? I just hate, like, that's something I had to work. Like, why would that be the first place your mind goes when it says Joey Diaz and Lee are going to go and we're going to have fun and have popcorn? Why would your first thing be like, what if the movie sucked? Remember when you told one of your friends? Remember when you were for your friends,

and Lee probably told your friends? I'm thinking I'm moving out to L.A. One of them said, what do you want to go out there for with all those fagots and fucking freaks? And fucking Mexicans. Right or wrong? What do you want to get there with all those fucking freaks out there at the beach playing bongo drums and walking around barefoot?

The same. Those are the same people. Yeah. They're scared before the party even fucking starts. Yeah. They get scared before the party even starts as they're getting dressed. They look in the mirror and they say, fuck this, this ain't going to work. Mm-hmm.

And that's why you don't look in the fucking mirror. You just go straight. They don't want you looking the fucking mirror. Just go straight. Who gives a fuck what you look like? As long as you got one hand on your cock and the other hand on your heart, it Don't give a fuck what you're wearing, bitch. They don't give a fuck what you're wearing.

When you go to hell, you think they give a fuck what you're going to have on, but you got one hand on your cock and one hand on your heart and they can't burn them. And that's what makes you move fucking forward. Tell them, Diggie Salliatt. These fucking youngsters don't know. No, when Lee came out to California, he had that job with America's Funniest Home Videos. I don't know if anybody told him not to do it, but he was a savage. He's a savage.

He packed his car up and went to California. You don't want. Let's eat a fucking edible. But now, talking about Savage. You're eating the whole thing today. Okay. Me and fucking dick, it just got a little piece. I don't think we're having breakfast delivered.

What kind of breakfast? I don't know. Fuck it. Something that... But, uh... But, uh... Okay. But no, it's crazy.

I'm getting it more now. Eat half of them. You'll get it to... Don't eat half of them. He'll just a fuck. Because whatever he don't eat, you're eating. That's fine. I do it more.

That's a real son right there. He's taking the bullet for his death. So I'm getting it more now, now that I'm not working a full-time job. Because it's what you were saying. It's putting a ceiling on what you can make. I could make, yeah, I made X amount of dollars working a job every day.

And that's great to have. But if I work hard at this, I could make way more than that. If I do a shitty job, I can make less. But like the hope, It's scary to people And I know the guy who asked you the question Wasn't trying to be an asshole

No I'm not mad I just hit the question He asked me like going Joey Aren't you scared that the movie's going to suck And you're sitting there With your friends

You know like when you dress up Like a Boston Red Sox And you go to a game And they lose And you gotta walk home With that Red Sox suit on Like a fucking idiot You got your hat on

It's like going to a Halloween costume You got the worst outfit How are you gonna have a drink now? You're self-conscious. I got the ugliest fucking Halloween suit at the party. You know what I'm saying? Listen, man, there's some people that they look at that shit, you know? I don't look at that.

I look at the accomplishment. The fucking, just from zero to fucking coming out and not knowing because we don't know. I love going to movies like that with friends, though. Because I know the first time you're on stage that everyone's going to scream, go, go! And like the poor fucking 10 people who were in that theater who didn't know about it. Listen, we're taking over a movie theater. Yeah.

Nobody's ever done this on Christmas fucking day. Nobody, not even Al Pacino when Godfather 3 came out. It came on Christmas Day. Godfather 3 came out Christmas Day. People were furious. Furious. Furious.

How can a movie like that come out on Christmas Day? I went. What are your options? You want to sit around with a bunch of boring, fucking Anglos? Or you want to go to a fucking movie and smoke some dope and see Al Pacino kill white people? What would you rather fucking do?

Oh. Yeah. They don't get it. I don't give a fuck. I'm happy that I was in it. Do you understand that 20 years ago I sat in a fucking room crying at night, circling comedy clubs that I was going to play at, hopefully someday if I was good?

Hopefully someday, you know. Because I was a piece of shit. I got locked up. I had no mother. You know, God didn't choose me on the right side. I might as well have been one of those black people in Africa with flies on me. Fuck it! It's Monday, cock suckers.

Wake up these neighbors. Fucking break a window. Oh, God. this is the last straw I already know it. Fuck these people. You got a little older Captain Kirk is in the Enterprise. You know what I'm saying? Oh my God.

If anyone has an apartment rent out there in Greater Los Angeles. Fucking apartment. We're going to get you a tent. You're going back on the fucking woods like a soldier. Like what's that back to the woods. Back to the woods. Back to the woods. You've been up in Boston.

You go to Maine or whatever, don't you? Yeah. And jump up and now you're going back to the woods. We're taking it back deep. The murky waters of the underworld. What's up, Mrs. Say, yeah. You high? You ain't seen none. You want to roll another one? You know how to roll a

joint? You still? Yeah, I still not. I fucking don't have no more papers. I'm slipping. And there was papers here. That fucking mate took him. That car sucker. Yes, she did, because I left her red orange roll here. Remember? I know. Don't say no. Don't fucking keep telling me. No, I know what I'm talking about here.

I look at my orange roll. Look at all this weedy. Oh, there's more joints over here. Thank God, because we're running out of reefer. Jesus, how much wheat is there here? I know. You've got it together. And then there's a bag of fucking roaches that if there's ever an earthquake and we're locked in there, Lee's going to make a million dollars of fucking roach.

Those roaches are deadly in there. Look at it. Yeah. You should put it in your luggage. Take it down. The plane will go fucking down. Combustion. That thing hasn't been opened.

That little canister of roaches. It stinks. You open that, you dip it, you clean all the ashes, you open up each joint, you roll it into a big fucking joint. That's where the hash comes in. It just caramelizes on the weed from you. inhaling right up here so now there's 20 of those joints and a joint you know there's more than 20 of those fucking I'm surprised I'm not gonna take that from New Year's Eve oh here here we go oh shit oh shit it's my brother during

Hanukkah right on time brother you're always on time Bobby Slateon on the line you bad motherfucker how are you oh my god how are you Joey D Matt's Labor what's happened to my brother you know it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive here in Los Angeles the sun's out you got the world by the balls how is the Hollywood Improids Saturday night. You know, the Hollywood Improv, you know, it's so funny because I don't play in L.A. very much anymore because, you know,

I'm always on the road, and when I'm home, I, you know, I just don't like going out. I like being home, and it's always such a hassle to drive around L.A. But, you know, the Hollywood Improv, it's, uh, I know if you remember the old age. You're more of like a Laugh Factory Comedy Store guy. Where do you play up there? I'm a Laugh Factory guy now because that's who gives me spots.

The Improv gives me a spot once a month. Comedy Store, I haven't stepped foot in there in seven years, six years, so. Yeah, you're. You know, they never gave me the time of day when I came down from San Francisco back in the 70s or 80s, you know, and like everybody that went to the comedy store or went to the improv. There were a few guys that work both places. But, you know, it was always the women comics and big loud comics, the prop comics, and, you know, Howie Medell. I mean, there was a lot of guys in comedy store, but the improv was always cooler.

You know, it was Seinfeld. It was Lenore, it was Larry Miller, Rick Overton. You know, it was more just stand-up guys about the bullshit. But anyway, what I'm going to tell you was, it's just amazing because when I was, was back in the 80s, you know, they'd have this big line of comics. The place is packed every night. And things have changed. You know, they've remodeled the place.

It's beautiful. But it's like, you know, you were telling me, I was telling you the other day. It's like, what do you have to do that to sell tickets? It's amazing to me. I go on Kevin Embedon, on K.R. Which, you know, if you play the Comedy Magic Club, and you do Kevin and Bean, they tell me they get more people. This is just LA.

They're going on their show. Sulled more tickets that you go on the Tonight Show at Leno. I mean, Leno, of course, a Tonight Show of Fallon. would be big all around the country, but as far as only, you know, that is a big show. So I did that show. Then it did Heidi and Franken Tail OS. And, you know, the calls trickle in.

The shows were fine. I put a lot of hot shot friends on the bill, but to sell tickets to this goddamn town, you know, it's really, if you're not on television, it's fucking impossible. Well, it's not even the television aspect of it. I played San Diego this weekend, the American Comedy Company, and that was my first time, Bobby.

That's why when we were talking on and have answers for you. I'm usually a Madhouse Comedy Club guy. Right. But when my agent called the Madhouse and wanted to do a door deal, they said they didn't do well with door deals, and primarily that they didn't do well with Atel. And it really fucked with me a little bit. So a couple weeks ago.

Well, you know what? You told me they didn't do well with David Tell. You know what? I love David Tell. David Tell's one of the great comics. Greatest. Fucking greatest. Yeah, he's one of the greatest. And I don't mean this to put down Dave, but when you said that day...

I heard in clubs now, you know, and Tell when he had a show on Comedy Central, were selling our theaters all over the place, okay? And people tell me, like, David, of course, is still great, and he still sells tickets, but not like he used to. And it makes me feel good, not because of his situation, but it makes me realize I'm not alone in this fucking mess. You know, it is so horrible out there.

You know what happens now? There's kids out there to go to comedy clubs. People my age in their 50s don't want to go to comedy clubs for many reasons. Number one, you see a lot of shitty shows. You know, you might get the good acts every three or four weeks. But what these clubs do when you know, they pay the good acts 510, $15,000, and then they pay the $1,000,

so I have, you know, just open micors, middle acts, headlining. So people still go to, you know, I can't tell you how many times I play a comedy club, and the MC goes, how many people are here

for the first time, and you get a big raise of hands of people that have been there for the first time. How many people have never been to a comedy club? And there's more. It's amazing. So people go to a comic club, they see a crappy show.

Then there's D. Then there's a parking problem. Then there's the asshole kids on the cell phones. It's a same fucking nightmare when you go to the movies. It's easy to stay home, get Netflix, buy a Blu-ray player, you know, order in a pizza. So to put asses in seats now is impossible. There are people out there that don't know who David Tell is, and he's a lot younger than I am. So when I go play these comedy clubs, none of my credits mean anything anymore, which is understandable.

He was in Green Girls, a rat pack, HBO, TV. You know, nobody, it's 10 years ago. It's old news. But here's the deal, Bobby. Here's the real deal that comes to mind. When I did Spider-Man 2, I remember couldn't get to the set because, They used to give you, what's that red drink? Oh, the Red Bull?

No, what's that other shit, the juice that was hot 10 years ago? I hope that I did it? Pomeranid juice. Pomeranet? Do you remember pomegranate 10 years ago? It was $6 for a fucking cup and they'd clean your digestive system. And I remember I would do blow for three fucking days. And I thought just because I drank a gallon of pomegranate juice, I was fucking clean and sober.

Like I felt good. So I would go to the set and drink the fucking pomegranate juice. Guess what? when you go to the store in our pomegranate juice, they're giving that shit away. Right. Well, you know, it's like anything else, Bobby. But here's the deal that I don't understand

that pomegranate juice didn't get any better. You're a tremendous way better comic than you were six years ago. I'm well aware with that. David Tell is a way better comic. I just bumped into Wendy Liebman. I'm in her neighborhood. Another one that 10 years ago was killing them on stage

and now can't give away a ticket. She goes, she can't get people to call her back. that used to take her out to dinner. That's the way life is, but it's so weird that I try to talk about this all the time, especially with comedy, if Slayton's in your town, go down there.

It's to see a good comic. It's to see a good fucking comic from hero to fucking 45 minutes. What is wrong with you people? You people will go buy a ticket for David Spade who doesn't do stand-up. He's a TV guy. Got no disrespect for David Spade.

Fucking Bobby Slayton has worked hard. This Attel, fucking Chris Titus. These are 20-year veterans that were fucking hot 10 years ago, but now they've evolved. Big Poppy won it for the fucking for the Red Sox this year. How old do you think that fucking big spick is? You think he's really 27 in his prime? He's 48. Even my birth certificate got, looks like Tick-Tac-Toh.

They've erased it so many fucking times. That's what happens when you're a fucking spick. But he had to be that big old guy to help them win the World Series. I don't care how many young guys he had. hitting 300 without big poppy he was the fucking glue you got to give these older guys that respect they deserve i can't wait to see you again bobby i can't wait to see guys like jimmy schubert i don't see these guys anymore that i watched 10 years ago and go wow these guys are great well guess what they don't stop working well you know what it's well i i almost am it's got

to the point right now well you know i remember about three years ago i did a showtime special and you know it got me a little it was it came out there on netflix and i don't know it's still out there on Netflix. Oh, and the money's pouring in from that. But, you know, it was a little bump in business. Things took off a little bit. But you know what happens now? There are so many specials, and there's so much out there. It's the same thing with books. It's the same thing. You know, when I was younger, the record would come out.

You know, the record would be on the end cap of the record store. And, you know, it would be five or ten releases a week. Now, there are thousands of releases every day. I mean, there's independent stuff, stuff on iTunes, YouTube. It's almost too much too much stuff out there. And people look, as much as I love the Internet, and it's great for all of us, you know i'm not going to be someone far i'll tell you about the old days you know this internet all the stuff and youtube and twitter and and it's all great but you know what there's so much of it

now that everything has become just just watered down and you know what it is they want to get they want to get younger people the comedy club so when kids in their 20s come to the comedy club for whatever reason they hear me on the radio or they just got a free ticket and the show always goes great but they're not coming to see me and again my audience um you know chris tithes i love tithes he does great because he has a special brilliant man uh... he has a special but like every year in comedy central that's the young audience comedy central won't even put guys like me on anymore they won't put guys it's a fact and i don't want to tell you some big old fuck like the kennedy assassination had a

conspiracy theory but they are going for a younger demographic and comedy central that fucking celtie hamler you know it's that kind of crap that people want to see and there's been some great comit from chelsea hamleth don't get me wrong but it said horrible horrible little gay gab fest with the queen, slapped everybody down, put them in their place. But it has certainly made a lot of comics. And there were comics that go on Chelsea, who are great for 15 minutes. I mean, really good.

I don't really good. I don't watch a show, but there are some great comics. But they don't have the chops, and they can't do an hour. But what happens, so it shows like this that put the people out there, I'm not doing these shows. So, you're the last time I think Jimmy Fallon, who's one of the few people have been great to me. You know, when Fallon came on, he put me on a show, he said the nicest things you can ever say, and it was a great five-minute shot. I mean, a guy doing comedy for 30 years can't do a great five-minute shot. And I was playing, I think, Gotham in New York City.

And the phone rang, they got a dozen calls. I wanted to do George Lopez's a show. The Mexicans aren't coming to see me. They got another half a dozen calls. So it's like the Urban X, the Mexican X. You know, Middle-Age white people, we're not supporting Middle-Age white people. I'll watch you're on Broadway. I mean, you look at some guys in my age or my age or older, and Lewis Black.

You look at Joe Rogan. Great, great comics. But they have their outlets. They have their television, their podcast. They have. So there are a lot of great comics my age working because they're out there and they're great. But, you know, there are guys, there are 50 more guys that suck, and they're getting as much work as anybody. And it's, I don't know how to explain.

Now, there's another side of the coin to this. There's another side of the coin to this. The other side of the coin is that you have to run with the times. You know, five years ago there was a fighter name, and I talk about this all the time. He was a black guy, something Alexander. He was from Nebraska. And he came into the UFC and he knocked. He looked like a fucking black King Kong, Bobby Slate.

Bald-headed, punching people. And you look at this guy through the cover, Bobby, and you go, you know what, who gives a fuck? There's just another fucking Superfly guy. Well, one day I found out, Bobby, that the guy had four kids. The wife was cracked up. She ended up leaving a dying. He raised these four kids by himself, Bobby.

He got up at four in the morning, went to the gym, went home at six, made breakfast for these kids, Put him to school. Then he drove a UPS truck till 5. Then he went home, cooked. And then at 8 o'clock, when all the kids were in bed, he went to the gym till 10 o'clock at night. He'd get home, drink a protein shake,

and go to bed and do it all over again. Five days a fucking week, Bobby. You know what? That made me like that fucking big Godzilla-looking fucking black dude. And the same thing is happening with comedy. It's like 24-7. We have to give them the other side of our lives. They want more now, Bobby.

And they'll pay the money once they come see you. That's the outlet for them. So it's a complete different game. And I didn't know it, Bobby, till the most outrageous person explained it to me. Some lady in marketing explained it to me what you need to do today. If I was a fucking plumber, Bobby, and I've said this a thousand times, I would be on Twitter.

If I was a plumber today, I'd be on Twitter. Clean your pipes, $20 off because it's where people are going. They don't go to the papers no more, Bobby. I know. They don't go to radio no more. So the other half of that is we have to, evolve also. And the comics that have evolved have also picked

up, you know, David Tell is taping a special this week in New York. I know. For Comedy Central with R-rated comics. I know they didn't call your ass. Well, you know what, why's my fuck. But they put Ali Wong on there. Who's not even fucking dirty? I have no disrespect for Ali Wong. She's a cute

fucking Chinese chick from San Francisco who cracks me up. But you're a veteran of the game. So whose fault is that? Well, you don't know. Is that Comedy Central's fault? Is that our fault, Bobby? They didn't talk to me either. But there's all rangers on there that they talk to you. So that's the other half of it.

Louis Katz, one of the comics actually, I didn't know about that special. Louis Katz one of the comics came in and did a set and opened up for me and he told me about the special. And you know what it is, but it's, the whole point is, you know, you're talking about that fighter, which is why I don't like the bitch, because there's certainly guys out there that have worked harder

and working the rest of up. The two things, though, you know what it is, though, man, I'm in my 50s already, and I'm fucking tired. You know, you get a guy like that. I'm not taking it away from him, because even when I was younger, if I could put it, do with that fighter that I doubted. I raised one kid, and I didn't. Certainly didn't do what he was doing. But you know what? When I was raising my daughter, and she was a baby, and I got up at six in the morning and took her to school and still went on the road, you still did my radio. You think you have

the energy. And after a while, you know what? You start getting beaten down, my friend. You start not giving a shit. You try to hold your head up, which I am. And it could be worse. I got my health and things are okay. I'm up now talking to you. But you start getting tired. You start getting tired. But the reason David Tell didn't call me. is the same reason. The same reason when I had a few little shows people, why didn't you call me? Because you know what? There's 50 guys out there.

50 guys. If I would have known about the show and I would have called them. But I would, you know, they can only put so many people on. There's so many comics now and there's so many people working that, you know, you just got a, I mean, Louis C.K. I read it to Louis C.K. a couple years ago at the comedy festivals. I'd love to do, you know, your TV show sometime. Because I'd love to

be on. I'll put it on. But you know what? There's a million guys and there's so much out there that you can't help everybody and remember everybody. It's just tough, man. That's the problem. You've got to work it from every fucking angle now. You go on pit bull of comedy. It was really funny. I get six, seven thousand followers.

But you know what it is? As a lot of people that are sitting on Twitter and a lot of people sitting on Facebook are not my audience. You know, I mean, they have jobs, their families have better things to do, although I'm not saying they're anything wrong with that. It's just really, really tough out there to get the. that I say something that I think is funny and outrageous, and I get 10 people following me, and then I say something else, I lose half of them. So, you know, that does help. You know,

it certainly does help. It's help Kevin Pollock. I mean, I'm writing my book, and the book is almost done, and it really came out well. But like you said, nobody's publishing a book. If you don't have 150,000 Twitter followers, it's a different world. It's a different world. I know, and I'm just tired of it because, I don't want to call it a quitter or a loser. I'm certainly whining, but it's high as I feel you help me a lot you know and I'm so busy trying to write new jokes and write material all the time that's where all my energy goes into it's really really tough

and you know when you told me that it's a tough for a guy I get tell to get work you know my buddy J. Johanssen there's another guy oh my god how many fucking tell him how many how many Lettman appearances did he do he has about 50 let him in appearances and I think I've seen at least 40 of them and they're all brilliant brilliant and this is a perfect example of what I'm talking about I can't sell a ticket

The guy can't get her. Nobody knows who Jake Johansson is. And I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? Well, you know what it is? I mean, take something simple. You know, when I talk to an audience and I look at a lot of the young kids, you know, a lot of them can't name the Four Beatles. And don't tell me before your time. So is the guy in the dollar bill.

So is Thomas Edison. So are the little rascals. You know, I mean, yeah, it was all before your time. And I must you have to be an expert in this shit. But, you know, it's so mind-boggling to me. When people are on Twitter following Subway and the Olive Garden and Demi Lovewell, to be lavato i mean that's mentality and when you get a guy like you you you know there's a lot of great music coming out today but if you can't tell me one chuck berry

song and you don't know who else costello is who you know even that generation X they're even old social distortion and green day are old but you know you need to know all this stuff because everything around today from the comedians i see a lot of young black comics and a lot of young black comics work in urban idiots a lot of good ones don't give me wrong just like the white comics, but a lot of them, you know, people go see them and they don't even know who Eddie Murphy was, let alone Richard Pryor, let alone Bull Cosby, nobody cares anymore. And that's why people like Carlos Mencia, you know, who's such a fucking load, great performer, but the fact that he steals so much material and got to this point, I've got people say to me when I bitched about, what do you

care? What do you care? Everybody stills material. No, they don't. People are so fucking stupid. They think that everybody still's material. Everybody, you know, and it's, Jeff Dunham with his goddamn puppets. People have the mentality of 14-year-olds. I mean, Jeff Donubis are fine, but trollequist, but I once walked into one of his shows and the Yahoo's, the idiots, the toothless, rodeo-loving white people, it's horrendous to me the kind of shit that most people want to see. And they want to listen to Demi Lovato, they want to take, you know, it's just... You sit there, you can't believe it. It's like cheap trick, cheap trick fans. I could never understand why you would go to a fucking cheap trick show. I never understood until this fucking

They had one good fucking song and after that I don't get it. But I sat there and I tolerated it. They had to put it in between Pink Floyd and fucking Led Zeppelin. You have to sit there like a fucking soldier. You know what it is, man? But I'm going to tell you something, Bobby. Whether they don't want to come out, whether they're old, whatever. You know what?

I fucking did not think I was going to be doing comedy at this age. Once I started getting white hair, I started feeling more and more insecure about my stand-up, more and more insecure about why I was doing this. What the fuck was I thinking? And then I thought of something. I thought in 1984. I thought about the summer of 83 when I don't even fucking drink. And me and three of my buddies snuck beers in to see a movie called Easy Money.

And we were all waiting to see this fucking old guy, Rodney fucking Dangerfield, who had no fucking career, who was a fucking a salesman who kept writing jokes and who believed himself. And all of a sudden he started doing spots again. And that's what keeps me awake every day. I don't look at my white hair no more I don't look at the wrinkles on my face I look at what I have to offer in the way I've been doing this for 20 years just like you Bobby

and we have a life and we have to 35 wow I have to expose this shit and you know what you're gonna have to fucking shoot me to fucking stop me at this age and you know what Bobby I think it's time that they're gonna have to shoot you too it's time to get on Twitter

it's time to get on Facebook and fuck these motherfuckers in the ass and show these motherfuckers why your families came from fucking Russian part of fucking Israel and sling some fucking dick, Bobby Slay. You understand? You're close. Well, the Israeli part of Russia, whatever the fuck it was.

All right, cut, fuck it. Get it together. You're one of the baddest motherfucking comics I know. Stop the fuck. Get all this shit out of your head. We're going for broke in 2014. You understand me, Bobby Slayton? You know, it's funny.

The last time I did your podcast, the last time we talked like this, whatever it was, six, eight months ago, you know, I actually got 20 followers, which is, for me, tremendous. I do these big shows around the country. I think Opian Anthony the same thing. But I go to all these cities and be out for hours,

they trickle in. But the Mount Flavor Show. Holy shit. It was nice, you know, because you got that great following. You get that Rogan following. These people are fucking, these people just want realism. The survivors who are fighters, who, you know, and that's the audience that matters out there now, you know.

They're the ones that come out and have the best time. I don't want the people to come out because I'm a fad. I don't want people to come out because a ha-ha and he-he. I'm so happy at the podcast world came because I was so sick and tired. When I did the longest yard, Bobby, these people would come to me before the show and hug me and ask me how nice of a person Adam was. And after the show, they would step five feet away from me because they thought I was going to go up there and fall on my face and slapstick

and do knock-knock fucking jokes. But now the people that are coming to the audience actually want to hear what I have to say because they know what my insides are about. It's a different game now. If I go up there and say, I'm going to stab a fucking none of the pussy, they don't leave there and go home and write it on Yelp. They know that I'm fucking nuts. I'm just talking shit.

So all this has helped. All this has definitely helped. And I love these people. Bobby, I love it. They're not my fans. We're a fucking family. You know, Bobby, when we were young, we put a picture of Keith Richards up. We were a fan of Keith Richards.

Can you talk to Keith Richards on Twitter, Bobby? I don't know. No, no, no. But you could talk to Bobby Slayton, and you can tweet Joe D and I'll tell you whatever the fuck you want to know in time. And that's... Sorry, I yelled. We're going to get evicted.

It's funny. If somebody who told me five years ago to kill me Diaz, we get up at 5.30 of the morning and doing a podcast a couple of times a day, I said, you know what? I never thought this would happen, but it's great, you know? Bobby, even when I was doing fucking blow till 4.30, I was up walking around at 6,

just to make sure it was a beautiful day to be alive. I've always gotten up early. This is when I get up to write my book. You know, everybody's sleeping. My dog's sitting on my lap, and I get up and I work on this book, which will come out one of these days. You know, if I've got to publish it myself, but I don't even have the money to do that. And everybody, you know, I've paid for all these photographs.

It's going to be, you know, there's so many books out there. This is not some of going to groundbreaking. It's not a new Bible. I'm not, you know, we invented the wheel here. But, you know, I put these stories together, and I think it's in such a funny way. And it's, I'm just, I just get up every morning and I work on it for an hour or two. You know, what's funny about it? You know, what am I going to do?

I'm like everybody else. I like to get entertained. The only way you could create is by getting entertained first. I should send you a couple chapters of my book. Please do. Twitter to me, our Facebook, whatever you need to do,

but here's the deal, Bobby. You know, you could, I forgot what the fuck I was going to say here. What was I talking about here? You're going to make them laugh after entertain them. No,

you have to fucking entertain them, right? I don't fucking know what I'm talking about. You know, let me tell you something. Getting back, I want to just tell you this. So about two years ago,

two, three years ago, me and Jake Johansson, you know, again, 45, 50 brilliant letterments. and him and I decided, hey, we should do a couple of shows together, because a lot of guys do that, you know, a lot of really good comics and kids saw the theater, they came up.

And so we went to Boston, and it was right when my Showtime special, Born to Me Bobby came out at Showtime, gave it some really good time. They put it on, you know, right at prime time, and they really plugged it, you know, for a month or so because they had 40 more specials coming out after that. So we went out there, and we played a couple of really nice clubs up in the Boston area, up in New England. And, you know, we got at all the radio stations, and I got on the rock stations, and he got on the top 40 stations, and the newspapers wrote some great stuff. And, again, he was just on a lot of a minute. I just came off the showtime special.

And, you know, we went to these clubs. These shows were great. And we fought like 100 tickets. You know, and it's like then I go, what do we have to do? What do I have to do? It's just, and like I said, I'm not going to quit fighting, but you just don't get it. So beaten down, Joey D. And by the way, email me, send me your email so I can, send you a few chapters in this book. I especially want to send you the one when I almost got into the fifth fight with Journey, those jackasses, when I hosted the Bay Area Music Awards and do them blow backstage and all these rock stars. I was like Jake Lamata. It was sending me back out there. You never got me down, Ray. And it was, I mean, it was a nightmare at the time. And it was

on live radio before they had the seven second delay. And it was, anyway, it was just a chapter, I think you'd appreciate, of my many chapters in the book. Fucking journey. But it's so weird how I've learned a lot from reading books. but the biggest lessons I learned are from reading biographies. I love biogic. I fucking love it. You know what I got right now? Because that's all I read.

That's all right now. I love all the showbys biographies, especially. I like all the gangster ones, you know, history of Chicago. Not only the gangster stuff, but the blues and the history of the blues in Mississippi. Music to me and the roots of music in New Orleans and all this great stuff. I just finished the book right now. I should send it to you about Doc Pommis, you know, the crippled Jew who wrote a lot of great songs. He wrote a Los Vegas.

I saved the last dance for me. Lots of amazing stuff. Would hang out these black clubs. A crippled Jew. How the fuck does a cripple Jew hang on the black club without getting the smack? Well, that's why this book is one of the most fascinating. I'm putting this in the mail.

I don't even know if I still love your address. I'll call you when I get out of here and give you everything. I'll see you for lunch or something. He's one of those guys at the Brill Building in the 60s, you know, along with Lieber and Stoll and all these guys. You know, when rock and roll came in, these guys were cast to the side, and then he made this big comeback.

Anyway, but I love that. I'm reading the, you guys. read the Lew Wasserman book, how Ronald Reagan, that fucking prick sold Hollywood and, uh, uh, sag downstream, you know, oh, it's just great about how these, these, oh, it's great. You got to read this one about, about Reagan and show business and how nobody gets, um, any kind of checks before, I, but he did a show because before 1970, because of Reagan and how, uh, Wasserman, it was like the mob, how they ran this town. It's a fascinating book, so we're on the same page, my friend. No, I love it. Bobby Slayden, I love you. You always a fucking, my,

favorite to call in whatever you want. You don't even need permission. Just fucking dog. Let me tell you one more quick thing. Because this is very funny. Every year I go up to the Montreal Comedy Festival, you know, and I host this nasty show. I've been doing it for about 25, 30 years. It's one of more popular shows at the festival. You know, Rogan did it, Attell did it, Louis C.K., and Bill Barr. I mean, all these great, great comments, you know, the late Robert Schimel. Anyway, Don Barrera. So the show sells out every year. It's thousands of tickets, and that's when they're selling all these. So this weekend,

I'm going to Montreal, never been up there in the wintertime, playing a little place called the Wiggle Room. It's cool, retro, martini, rat-pack-type bar that just opened a few months ago. It's 100 seats. A hundred seats. We'll work on Thursday, Saturday. The owner called me up because, Bobby, listen, you're a friend of mine. I can't really pay you, but would you like to come up and open up my room as a favor?

And I say, sure. To be honest, you between you and I, I need to get 100,000 miles on American Airlines by the end of the year. He paid for my ticket. I'm going up to play the Wiggle Room. Tickets want to sell the other day. not even sold out yet. We sold 30 tickets for Thursday,

maybe 30 or 40 for Saturday, which shot, there you go. I mean, there's a town that we're working for years and years and years. Pack it every summer. Can't sell 100 tickets at the Wiggle Room. Well, they're going to fucking pack them now because we've got Canadian friends

going to go up there and see you and support the fucking flag. You understand me? Because they're Joey D. Show, and you know what next week I'm at the punchline in San Francisco. That place, I used to play four times a year. They called the house at Bobby Boat.

That was my room. That's why I learned how to do stand-up. was a punchout in San Francisco, opening for Seinfeld, Wallace, Leno, Michael Keaton, and over the years, I would work there in the late Great Bill Graham would have me open for rock and roll bands next door.

I'd never see the shows at the punchline. Four times a year, but the comedy business, I saw them there next week, one week a year, even my hometown of San Fram, my adopted hometown. You know, it's fucking hard to sell tickets.

So maybe this will help, but if not, I still love getting up to do your show. I'm up anyway. I'm going to go back and write my book and send me your email and I want to send you that book in the mail. I want you to read that Doc Palmer's book.

I want to read it. No, I'm going to see you this week. When you're leaving towards the end of the week, I'll call you later and we'll figure it something. Call me later, all right? I love you. All right, pal. Thank you, brother.

Anytime. All right, pal. What the fuck, Lee? What the fuck was that, Lee? You didn't straighten him out. You didn't ask him no questions. How are you going to be the next bar for Walters? Because, I mean, he's your friend.

I don't give a friend. I don't know. You got to get in there. You're Jewish. I mean, I know he's funny. and I'm way too high right now So I'm really you do shots Did they hit me all Woody

Stop fucking asshole You know what you're like When he When he used to stabbing down in the pussy And I just imagined All I could think about was Does he mean like at the clit Or like are you gonna go under

And actually into the pussy? I didn't know where you were to go Just stab her right in the fucking monkey Like in the exorcism Let me give some shout out to my man Timmy Aersnor Patrick Hammond Luke Malden

Matthew brother I love you cock sucker Alexander Schiff, the Burn One Project, I just like the name. Listen to this name. Robert fucking Bueno. Are you kidding me? Or what? Dan P. Waterboxing, my girl,

Joe Himit, so I keep missing the calls. I got to call it back. Like I said, we ain't fucking around no more. It's getting towards the holidays. Listen, you could sit there and scratch your ass and figure out what you want to get for somebody, or you can spend $70 fucking dollars and get them Dollar Shave Club for the year. Did you think about that

motherfuckers? You're there scratching your What am I going to get my uncle Tony? He's a nice guy. But he looks like the fucking wolfman half the time. Get him Dollar Shave Club. Go to my fucking link right there and press button to the box.

Joey D. Yeah, whatever his fucking name is. I don't know, we all got an uncle that forgets to shave and shows up and you look at him. You're like, look at this fucking bum. Now you don't have to say, look at this fucking bum no more. For $72, he gets a fucking razor handle and four fucking cartridges with three fucking blades

and aloe on it. Who's better than you for fucking $72? For a dollar a month, he gets the Puerto Rican plan, but who gives the fuck? He ain't going to give you nothing for Christmas or for $12 a month a year. You get them the fucking blades, right? You got a good deal with no matter where you're at. No matter where the fuck you at with Dollar Shave Club, whether you go to dollar, the $9 or the $12? Not even $1,6 or $9.

Who's better than fucking you? Get it together. Go to Dollar Shave Club, press what into the link? Church. This is the type of motherfucker I am. They ain't even paying me for today, but I'm still telling you that's how good the fucking product is. because we're fucking savages here at the church and the holidays are coming

and we're trying to save you some fucking geese. The same thing, everybody keeps hitting me up and going, dog, I see me on Brooklyn 9-9. You know why? Because they got Huluplus.com, you miserable fucks. Go to Huluplus.com right now, pressing into the fucking box. You get two free weeks,

and it's $7.99 a month after that. Stop your crime. Well, I don't have no money. $7.99 a month. You can stay home the whole fuck for two weeks during the holidays, jerk off and watch fucking Brooklyn 9-9, Law & Order SVU. and a ton of other shows they got their plus original fucking programming.

I don't want to sound like no fucking mook here, but enough is enough, coxuckers. Go to Huluplus.com, press in. Joey. And get your two free weeks, introductory, and $7.99 a month. And stop, your balls are too hairy. You're trimming with a scissor,

and you get the razor. The razor you get from Dollar Shave Club and you shave around the outside, now your dick looks fucking beautiful. And that's how you do it, Cogsuckers. That's all this fit or fennel. What are you looking at? Are you?

That's why I love you. That's why I look to shirt. You'll start shaving. But I haven't been shaving. No, you got to shave. Just because you're hanging out with this fucking guy. You got to fucking shave, cocksuckers. What else?

What is going on, Lee? It's over. What are your plans for the week? What are your goals this week? What do you want to accomplish? We're going to put testicle testament six. On iTunes over the December. We're going to put the other six of them on payloads.

A lot of people keep crying to me. Joey, I don't have testicle testaments. Whatever. You know that I'll tell you what people still get from time to time. It's a documentary. It's a great stuffing fucking stuff. How I got my boss. at least I had directed it.

Get on a fucking ball. These are all things. I ain't selling your shirts or whatever because I ain't gotten on yet. The website's coming up. We got patches, cups, hats, a fucking frisbee, a fucking condom. You got to church or what's happening.

Fucking condom. When you put that condom on, at the end, it's my fucking face for you. And you get to come in my fucking mouth. Who's better than me? You understand? They're going to be a dollar apiece, but they're double protected

in case you want to fucking crack hole up the ass. And she got the hiv. Who gives the fuck? That is the most fucked up thing. Can you imagine the fucking church? It's happening in an al-condem, and you get to come in my fucking mouth. Who's better than me?

That's right, just like this with my fucking mouth open. Come on. Who fucking... People, my mind works in mysterious ways. You don't want to smoke reef. You're going to get stuck in the 80s. Smoke some of this shit with smoking. You get these ideas that Einstein got.

Pretty much... I'm looking to invent the underwater fucking light bulb. You know what I'm saying? Talk to me, you fucking juice. How many something good? You got the flower, the flag of Israel behind you. I'm just imagining now. Now I'm imagining you doing like the dog pose and you're just pulling your ass cheeks apart.

Like that fucking condom is the most disgusting thing. Hey, I got a kid that needs to eat. You know what I'm saying? I come shot to the mouth when my kid eats. It's a fucking condom. I hate condoms. I hate them too. We like safe sex.

Nobody. Only Christians. Holy shit. You got to get in there. You got to get in there. Right? Lee, you sniff that muffling, put your eyeball and her fucking uterus. That's what's all about.

You keep you eyes. on that uterus it might pop out that's your goal is to fuck her uterus it just squeals you ever hear the uterus squeal no no one's ever heard the uterus get it together then you haven't heard the uterus squeal it's because you're slipping cocksucker Monday December 2nd not oh fucking August 2nd

not June 2nd December 2nd so you got 28 fucking days maybe 29 days to get your shit together to get the new fucking year started how are you gonna do that you listen to the church you're going to take on it, you're going to fucking whack off, you're going to do jumping jacks every day, you're going to drink water, and you're going to fucking live life, and you're going to strap a pair on every day

and tell these motherfuckers, suck my dick. Nobody's getting in my fucking weight today. That's the new shirt. It's 2014. Suck my dick. Nobody's getting in my fucking weight today. Are you kidding me, or what, Lisa? I'm going to fucking, I'm going to stab her motherfucker.

I know. I'm going to kettlebell class, then I'm going to go right, and then I'm going to go to fucking buy a car today. Oh, shit, what you're going to go with? Don't worry about it. I'll surprise you. What's the question?

Why don't we even ask? All of a sudden, he's a private investigator. What are you going to do all week? My dad's here until tomorrow after lunch. I'm really happy that the CD, I'm happy with it. I got to call Joe and let's see what's going on. I'm also calling the guy today. I'm putting a new CD out on vinyl.

That's so cool. On vinyl, motherfuckers. Just for some special collectors with a cover. I'm going to be with a finger banging my ass. I'm doing the fucking going all out. I always cried about how you open up an album covering that doesn't talk to you. We're going to make this album right if I'll let you know as it comes up. Remember, this Friday I'm at the Caluca Casino in Sacramento.

Sadly, I'm at the McDonald Theater in Eugene Oregon. Next weekend, I'm in motherfucking Nashville. Christmas night, me and Lee Syatt are hosting a fucking special screening of the grudge match. If you don't bring Reefer and a bulletproof vest, don't come. If you don't have a little retod helmet, don't come because shit's going to go down. 31st I meant fucking John Lovitz Comedy Club 30 fucking dollars 8 o'clock show your home by or at a party by 11

We get to laugh a little bit we're gonna have t-shirts up there Lee will not be there but who knows We might have to fucking blow up his plane And he might have to stay and it's all over That's how we do it. How come you haven't invented You know the helmet with the two beer Cairns? Why can't you invent it with two joint holes? Because two joints had enough

Well it is for a little bit. Not in my fucking world I need a helmet I need a helmet surrounded with joints that you just press number two and it lights up just in case. You got like 90 fucking joints because you're going to war. You don't got time to take it off.

You don't got time to use your hand to smoke. Nothing. He just put a tube in your mouth like a little guy in a wheelchair. Yeah, that's what I want. Suck on that motherfucker. Make the wheel spin, you know what I'm saying? Make the wheel spin, cock sucker! Where the fuck has this podcast gone to today?

I hope you learned something today, cock suckers. Don't let nobody fuck with your dream. Don't let nobody fuck with you. It's 2014. Basically, so don't let nobody stand your way. It's going to be a great fucking year. Who's that depending on? You?

That's it. I don't give a fuck about society or the calendar or whether or not people buying shit or whether not the traffic or Netflix. All that shit could suck your dick. That's all predetermined shit you put in your head. When you wake up in your morning, you grab your cock, you pull the skin back, you look at that fucking p-ho

and you tell that motherfucker, today's the day, co-sucker. Today's the day, cuckusker. And that's where you get your motivation from. You don't need Red Bull or Anthony Robbins. or Anthony Hopkins or some fucking guru to tell you, you know, you got to look up at the fucking sky.

The motivation comes from your fucking nutzac. You grab those nuts and you say to yourself, Jesus fucking Christ, why did he put these two fucking grapefruit between my legs? So I could sit here like a fucking idiot and look around like Buddha or so I could go there and make somebody

taste my fucking venom. Pick side being, you'll be all right. Go out there and let them taste the venom from your fucking nutsack today. What, Lee, what? I just have, I want to put cameras in your house because I just have the image of you waking up with the robe on.

with fucking just going to the bathroom but like tilting it back and like looking at your people I do the whole thing As I'm being I pull that fucking cock back And I scratch my nuts underneath and I sniff them as I look at my cock And I go today's motherfucking day

Maureen you want to play with the big boys Today's the day they drop you out of a fucking helicopter And you take that fucking office hostage And if you're not leaving the house thinking like that I'll tell you what you're leaving with the wrong fucking attitude That's the truth Dickie's saying you know You don't leave the house going maybe

today I'm gonna sell no I'm gonna fuck you look in the mirror before you leave and today I'm gonna fucking make some motherfucker pay for me waking up whether I learn something new whether I do 10 jumping jacks and guess what my fucking money is in their fucking pocket and I ain't got a gun and I ain't got a knife today all I got to yo yo and a fucking big ass heart that's all I got so that's what you need to do you don't need a gun to make your point you just need to point your fucking cock and fucking pump that motherfucker like a double barrel shotgun and And for you, women do the same. Grab that pussy

and realize why your father fucked your mother. Not to make some fucking chick that is a fucking cuddie cooker fucking faggot chick. She made, she fucked your mother

and become a fucking woman and go out there and you control that fucking monkey. And you know when it's your time to grab a guy by the hand and put this fucking face in your pussy and let him smell the root of your fucking patois.

That's what Mondays are about. You know what the fuck? What the fuck? If we go down, so it's up to you whether you want to go out standing or you want to go out on your knees. That's all up to fucking you, motherfuckers. Monday, December 2nd, play that fucking music league.

Oh, shit. What? You didn't read the heads. I'll do whatever the song. I love you guys. Stay black, have a good day. And when you get on that bus, tell them all to suck your dick when you got the earphones on. Don't forget to listen to the live podcast today.

We ain't fucking around no more. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey or go to joey-diaz.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And don't forget to sign up for Dollar Shaveclub.com. You'll get high-quality razors sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church or joeydies.com.

Okay, I'm in there.