The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 12/09/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #134

Episode Date: December 9, 2013

Comedian, writer, and friend of the podcast Mick Betancourt calls in This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Recorded live on 12/09/2013.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey. That's Huluplus.com slash Joey. And by Dollar ShaveClub.com. Get high-quality razor sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to Dollar Shaveclub.com slash church. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash church.

or just go to Joey Diaz.net and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. Kick that motherfuckerly. Oh shit. Oh shit. Monday, December 9th. The devil was buried at sea. It's a beautiful day to be alive.

Wash your pussy. Clean your toes. Eat some oatmeal. Do some jumping jacks, push-ups. Whatever the fuck you need to do. It's going down, motherfuckers. Crank that motherfucker Lee. Oh, shit.

Are you fucking kidding? me or what? He's rising. He's rising, cocksucker, just like you, rising from the dead like Jesus on the third day. Fuck the Jews, I'm making a comeback, bitch. Oh shit, it's that time. Here we go. Ride him, right now, ow, ow, ow, what? This is one of the baddest fucking jams you'll ever put on. Yay! Here you go, motherfucker, this is your thing right here. This is the killer right here. This is fucking guitar. This is brilliantly. My fingers are too short.

We'll take a little down about an hour ago. Are you kidding me? Took a look around, say which way the wind blow? That's it. We're in a little girl in a Hollywood fucking bungalow. Put that on louder. When we were rocking that lady in the city of lies. Are you fucking kidding me what this motherfucker is saying?

Another lost. Angel. Come on Lee. What? Sit in night. Kill that motherfucker Lee. I get fired up. You know how long I've been listening to that song for? How long? 47 fucking years, guys. 47 years. How ashamed.

You don't who turned me on for that song? My mother. And then she would put it on at the bar. When he would say Mr. Mojo Rising, she'd make believe she was whacking off. I beat that motherfucker, cucksucker. She used to make me dance to this when I was like five. Really? She'd say, get on the fucking table. Dance this.

Shake those fucking hips. Dale hamoan, cocksucker. Dale hamoong, motherfucker. That means give them ham, you dirty bitch. Give them that fucking ham between your legs. Thank you very much for being a part of the church of what's happened tonight. How are you guys doing? Monday, December 9th.

It's a beautiful fucking day. Lee, tell me something good, cucksucker. I always, because I was... What? I always wish I could play the drums. My fingers are too short to play guitar. I even tried the other day. I was like, can I play guitar?

I mean, the drums, I can't. I don't know. So why don't you play the drums? Why don't you get a drum kit and we'll get some lessons? You're all out. You're looking for a new career choice. This is what the church it's all about, right? No, I'd love to learn.

You can bang your fucking head on the drum and put the tambourine and put some gel on your head to light yourself on fire. Jew on fire, Jew on fire, Jew on fire. What's going on, cock suckers? You don't want to, you should learn how to play the drums. Take a lesson once a week. I'm too much of a pussy to go You know why I don't go get a guitar lesson finally?

Why? Because I get infatuated with it And I just don't have the time right now To get infatuated with some I have enough problems with this book Yeah That's what happened That's why I didn't sleep

Because I knew something was missing From this chapter And I couldn't think of what the fuck it was And I was tired, I laid down I got right back up 45 minutes later And started fucking typing I've been up since like 3 30 Oh geez

Yes I don't know what type of day We're going to have today We're going to have a great day We're going to kill this fucking edible Look at this this is Okay, can we tell the story behind it? Yeah, they're 500 milligrams. He had to make 100 milligrams, but I gave Lee, I thought it was 250 milligrams.

He gave me a half. And he ate a half, and he was fucked up in San Francisco. And you were like, just eat the whole thing, cock sucker, and it's so thick that you can't chew through it. And he got, you got mad at me, and I just didn't move. I was watching Sports Center on silent for about three hours. You're just sitting there like a fucking moment. I kept saying, Lee, get involved. And you're like, I don't really want it.

You were in the corner. it was a big green room and you were in the corner you couldn't see me and you were like, please I was like, and I was like, what? You'll pop his little

fucking head up with a little red beady Jew eyes. Yeah, let's take it by this motherfucker. Okay. Remember, like I said,

these are nothing. He made a weaker one for you. You could take the head. A weaker one. It's still 100 milligrams. Yeah. I'm going to eat fucking 60 of them. There you go.

You got the head. He looks like you. Look how cute he is. This little Gumi from Los Gumi's Enmanos on a Monday morning. God damn it. is be with you. Don't start

complaining. It's a little fucking head. Don't start breaking it up. Right away, that's why I can't have you eat on radio. Because you stress me out. You stress me out on the podcast. Pop it in your mouth. Pop it, bitch. See how big this is, guys? Just so you know what I'm going through. Poping in your mom. I just hate the guy's fucking body and his dick. You're

eating his little fucking peanut head. Knock it off. Drink some Pepsi. There you go, like a soldier. Show these people who the fucking real marine is. Look on, look on. He's getting sick. This is why I got to deal with people. You see him? He's puking like he's eating broccoli with cheese. Swallow that shit, cock sucker. I'm trying. Don't make me kick you in the stomach. It's a beautiful

Monday to be alive. We're eating that. We'll see it on the podcast. We're getting ready to go. I had a great time. My man, Tom Segura. What's the matter, Lee? Where are you going? Don't even think about it. Swallow that bitch. Make believe it's a broccoli juice with cucumbers and ginger. Close your eyes. Just go. No, I'm trying. It's huge. He's all gone. He's spitting it out. Can you believe what I got to deal with? I got We had them on the podcast, the Gumi Cermonis.

It's a fucking... What happened? It's like if you took a bag of gummy beers and melted into one and tried to chill it. It's just... It's huge. It's huge. Just bite that motherfucker like it's a clit, all right? You bite clits?

You suck on a little hard. You work that motherfucker, you know what I'm saying? A little bit with your tongue. Anyway, why do we get on clits? It's 6.08 in the morning. That's the best time to get a clip. Beautiful fuck. Nah, man.

I had a great time with Tom Seguer went to the Colusa Casino. It's about an hour. Out of San Francisco. You know, you think you're going to the fucking headquarters of Walking Dead. But it's a beautiful fucking little hotel. I mean, I had a great piece of salmon. I hate dirty wild rice. You don't like it?

I don't like wild rice. This was the best wild rice ever tasted. The salad was delicious. The show, it was like 400 fucking people. Wow. 200 people didn't belong. They didn't know what the fuck was going on. I must have walked 100 people at that casino.

Really? I walk people like it. They're not used to the podcast and shit. and they're Christians. They don't need this in their life. I don't want them to watch this anyway. It's just a waste of it. I don't want to watch nothing.

I don't want to watch. Why would I make, you know what I'm saying? They didn't know what they were getting themselves involved. But we had a good time. You know, it was fucking cold as shit this weekend up there. If you're not really...

It was cold here. If you're not used to it, like this morning, it's 35 degrees. When I got in my fucking car, it was 35 degrees this morning. Yeah. You know, if you're not used to it,

that's cold. Some people in Canada and Alberta and all that, they're a fucking pussy. You're a fucking pussy. which we're not used to it. I was talking to my wife last night. I don't know if I could go back into the winter after all this time living here.

It sucks. It really sucks because you're not used to it. It's 11, you know, it's been what, 16, 17 years I lived here. When I was broke in Boston, there were two years I didn't turn the heat on in Boston. I was just a broke student. So, like, we didn't turn the heat on. So fucking, but now I have the heat going.

I didn't put it on yesterday because when I'm in bed just by myself, I like being cold, but this morning I had to turn it on. No, you have to turn it on. It was fucking cold. When you broke those two years, you didn't take a put in a fun on

and dancing for old men and nothing like that. Putting a hairpiece on. I did that, but I did it for free. That's where I thought so funny. I was thinking about it. That's one of the funniest stories ever. The funniest crack I ever laid on somebody. It's a great comedian, shame of tash.

And she met this guy. I was supposed to go to Alaska, and I canceled because I had like some movie or something, and I canceled. And she went up there. And she met a guy up there, and they fell in love the first night. He was a karaoke host.

Oh, God. She tattooed his name on a pussy. It was classic shit. They moved back here. They got a house together. She's like suspicious. She doesn't know how he's making money. He's jittery and shit.

And I guess one day she went through his emails and she found emails of him. He used to dance for old people. Like he put like a thong on and go to old guy's house and dance from him. I think he won't let him touch him. They just jerk off on his feet or whatever the thing he does. So, you know, whatever. Some people make it living in weird ways, Lee.

You know, Twitter's a motherfucker. And she found out. She threw him out. I guess he was getting the money and using it for crank or whatever. So I bumped into it one day and I'm like, shame her. How's your boyfriend doing?

And she was pale. She didn't want to tell me. And I'm like, she's like, why? Why do you ask you? There was some old guy asking questions about it. She fucking turned fucking 90 colors. Anyway, and then Saturday night, we went over to the...

McDonald Theater and Eugene Oregon, which fucking Oregon's a great state. I heard of that. Oregon's a fucking great place. Oregon's, like, it's not like California. It's just very laid back. The people are very laid back. When you move to Oregon, you know you want to move to Oregon.

Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like people who move to Oregon are like, I know the pace up there, and that's the pace I want to live my life. Is Eugene like a city? I don't even know. Eugene's a small city. I think there's a college in Eugene.

No, definitely is a college in Eugene. I think it stayed or whatever. I get confused. It's been a long time since I lived up there. It's not that I don't follow you guys. just to spend a long time. I think Oregon State is Corvallis, and Eugene is the Euro.

I always lose it. But it's like a small fucking city. They got everything. You know, I've been, in 1996, me and Josh Wolf worked on Prefontein up there. A lot of people don't know that. There was a movie called Prefontein that the Scientologist produced his company.

And it was with Billy Kudra, the really cute blonde, and the coach was played by Donald Sutherland. Okay. And Josh Wolf had a gig through Warner Brothers of going up there and it was an outdoor movie with an audience

so he was the audience warm-up and I was like his assistant There was an audience for a movie? Yeah because like the longest yard those people sit there in the stands in between their extras so their audience so you got to keep them entertained

you got to do raffles you got to give out t-shirts somebody's handing out water those people you lose interest they lose and to keep them there you have to raffle a car at the end of Toyota so we already had it down after we did it

the first time they said you're doing it in three weeks we're going to rob a fucking car because they were Nike was giving away shit sneakers I mean there was a room that was just packed with gifts wow packed with fucking I thought they just paid them a hundred bucks a day and they expected them all to be happy and jump around no they don't give

a fuck about that shit but they need to entertain you because after two hours you'll go you know what who needs this shit I don't need to be here sitting here like a fucking Momo you know those people that get you know I got an email yesterday about a kid that asked about acting. And even I knew. Even I knew coming here. Like one of my first month here, people were asking me, like I would go to these places like they'd run ads. Being a movie today,

you know, something like that. Work today as an extra. And I would go down there and then you go down there and like, we want 35 fucking dollars to sign you up. And you're like, what the fuck? Why would I pay to work? And they're like, whoa, you're going to pay 30 bucks, but tomorrow you're going to make $250. We already got a call for a mob guy. Really? Just like that. You got a call for a Bob guy, you know? So I thought about it, and they kept calling my manager, tell him to come down here, and he was like, you're not going down here, you're not going to be no

fucking extra, you know? I want you to learn acting from the inside out. And that's why I took an acting class, and I got an agent, and I went to auditions. I never fucking worked as an extra. I did a stand work in Seattle for a video, an industrial video for AT&T one time, where I would pick up boxes and move them, but nobody had lines.

Do you know what I'm saying? All we had to do is pick up while a guy talked. You know, I don't like how they treat extras. That's a tough fucking job. Is it shitty? I've never been on a set like that. It's not that's shitty, but there's union extras and there's non-union extras. There's union extras?

Yeah, and there's union extras that make $250 a day, $400 a day doing commercials and shit like that. And then there's, what do you call that? Like non-unit extras who they just basically stab them out the way out. They don't give a fuck about these people. And what do you learn? To stand there, the directions of the angles. You know, like a lot of people go to move here to get vouchers to get into SAG. You know how tough it is to get a fucking voucher as an extra?

What's a voucher? I think you need three vouchers to become a SAG member if you don't book two things. So there's a couple different ways to get into the Screen Actors' Guild. You could book a job. Okay. And then you become Taff Hartley. You don't have to join the union. The first one's always free.

Whether it's after a SAG, but now they both merged. So now it's whatever the fuck it is after whatever SAG, after life, whatever the fuck they do you. I mean, you know, they are what they are. I have to be a part of the union to work in movies. That's the only reason I'm a part of this unit. So there's two different ways. You get three vouchers or five vouchers. I could be wrong.

Don't fucking crucify me. And you sit around and that could take years to get three vouchers. Or you get an agent and get in there. Both ways you got to pay. It's both like $2,500 fucking bucks now. And there's no store where you got to either finance it or make the fucking payment to join. I mean, it's a really cold, cold player.

type deal. But once you get here and you join the SAG, I mean SAG offers a lot of things as long as you take advantage of them. But back to the original story, I would not suggest to any church fucking members. You're not an extra, okay? You're the fucking man. You know fucking extra sitting in the back

people pushing you around. They barely spit at you. Fuck that shit. You show up on the set. You're the fucking man. I don't show up on the fucking set. It's like anything else in life. Don't show up at the bar being to sit in the back moping like a momo. If you're going to sit in the forefront with a cocktail sling dick, and put your dick on the table and say,

let's do a lemon drop, sniff this nut, then do your fucking thing. But nobody is a fucking extra. You know why? Because we fucking said, so, that's why. So would you like, because I've never even thought about getting into acting, would it be better to, like,

be like a star of, like, an independent college movie or be an extra on, like, a Hollywood movie? I rather you get experience. Okay. I'd rather you get experienced than go on the set and get a negative outlook on it because there's an extra.

Eventually, one day, you're going to get a negative feel for being an extra, so you're going to get a negative feel for acting. It might turn you off to acting. Okay. Do you follow what I'm saying to you? I don't want somebody to do something to deter them from acting. It's like if you come to me and you go,

you know what, Joey, I'm 500 fucking pounds. And I want to lose weight, you know, and I come to you and go, tomorrow we're going to do this. And also the next thing that you're running eight miles your first day. I just deterred you because you think you're never going to do this shit. I'm never going to do this, Joey. If this is what I need to do, I'm never going to do this. but if the first day we walk

and come back and stretch that's it the second day we walk a little more and come back and stress the third day we just do jay you follow me there's a way to do it gradually I'd rather you the way I did it was I took an acting class and I watched fucking movies

I could tell when somebody comes on a set and hasn't watched a fucking movie watch a fucking movie you could fucking tell like haven't you ever watched a fucking movie so number one keep your thudely fucking mouth shut. Nobody gives a fuck about your opinion. You're getting paid. Keep your mouth shut. Again, keep your fucking mouth shut. Nobody gives a fuck. If you're going as an extra, they dress you a certain way.

You got to sit in a holding pen. You don't eat with us. I mean, they really make you feel. It's like going to fucking prison. Prison's a fucking day camp. It really is. People complain. What do you? You sleep. They wake you up. It's how they wake you up. They kick the bed. They turn the lights on you. Anybody ever just turn the lights on you when you sleep? It sucks, yeah. It sucks, dick. It humiliates you inside because you can't get up and break their fucking head. The same way happens towards fucking extras.

The same way happens when you're anything in life. And you come into a realm like this where people think because they have a little bit of power, they could say something to you. You know, it's the same thing. Whether you're going to prison, whether you're fucking on a set, whether you're jobs. How many people have jobs right now? You're sitting at your desk and you're fucking listening to the church or you're whacking off or whatever. But you know the boss is a scumbag.

and because this guy would be sucking dick on a corner if he didn't have this fucking job. You get those bosses that you know that this guy would be sucking your dick on a fucking corner if you fucking looked at him in the eye the wrong way. But now he's sitting there telling you what to do and you're in a spot. You got to pay your bills.

You got to pay credit cards. You got to fucking, you got to take a, you got to have a child at home. You can't really say that until this motherfucker. Do you know what that does to your psyche? They kill you. Do you know what that does to your central nervous system? that you can't lash out.

And that's the way society is sometimes, but there's a way for you to lash out. That's to be better than that motherfucker. And then when they get up and go, you know what? Suck my dick, bitch, and what? Say something so I can blast you with this fucking desk. So I can blast you with this fucking desk.

Part of the reason I became a comic was because I didn't want a boss. I don't mind having a boss, but you got to treat me with the respect. I'm going to fucking treat you. I'm going to show up on time. I'm going to drink the fucking coffee. I'm going to empty the trash.

I'm going to pick up a piece of paper. That's the other part of being pissed at your boss. If you act like a fucking Momo all the time, then you can't be mad at your boss. Your job starts at 7. You got to be that 20 to fucking 7, doing jumping jacks, at ease, drinking coffee, being a little bit fucking enthused.

So all those things come into play also. Not everybody's a bad person, but on some jobs, like I remember when I sold cars the first time, I'm looking at these guys, and they're fucking criminals. But they're walking around with Souton talking about playing golf. All the salesmen, yeah? Yeah, because they make good money.

So now they're playing golf. Listen, in all my fucking years, I wouldn't touch a fucking golf club unless I'm hitting you on the fucking head with it. Because do I look like I fucking play golf? What's golf going to do for me? You can't put a silk hat on a fucking pig. You can't put a silk cat on a fucking pig. Always remember that. I would love to see you play golf.

One time, I went out to Alpine, New Jersey. Did a couple bumps and a couple cocktails. The son gave me a migraine. Never again. But do you understand me? I've worked with these criminals. I'm looking at these guys. In the first couple weeks, you have like this blonde.

the alliance them because they're your boss. Then one day you're like, fuck you, bitch. Who the fuck do you think you're talking to them? Motherfuck. And they freeze. They die because nobody's ever said that to him. They die. And the real

pussy and them come out because that's the only control factor they have over you. When you look them in the eye, you know what? Fuck you. Fuck this job. Say one more word so I could knock your fucking out. And they look at you like, what the fuck just happened? No, no, no, no, no. We were just, it was a misunderstanding.

Next thing you got him in the fucking office, and right in front of the main guy, you're like, fuck this punk. He treats me with no fucking respect. You want to go outside, bitch, and that's where it ends. Now the guy sees it. The boss, boss knows that you might be busting his balls. Trust me, I'm telling you, you got a guy that's brushing your balls that's making your life miserable. You know what, guys, you were looking for a job when you found that one. Trust what I'm telling you.

Because after a while, it's going to break you down as a man. It's going to break you down as a man. It's going to break you down as a man. Do you know what that does to you? I don't ever, it's like dating a fucking stripper and she's out there sucking dick and she comes home to you. It breaks you down as a man.

You could play it off and like, yes. You know, whatever. I'm a free open. You're a fucking jerk off. Some guy's coming in your fucking wife or some guy's coming on your fucking girlfriend's titty. And you're sitting there with your friends at some party giggling like it's acceptable.

You dumb motherfucker. You dumb motherfucker. Be a fucking man. That's a word of the day today. Be a fucking man. I remember being broke. Paying child support. attorney bills, going back to Colorado, and all eyes of the world were on me.

All the eyes of the world were on me. And I got a job. I told this story, at Sprinkler Motor. The Sprinkler Motor was a used car lot and Longmont. My friend Jim Wheeler got me a job out there. And there was a guy that a shotgun dug that I knew from Aspen that gave a girl Coke one night. He went to the bathroom. He came back.

He said the Coke was missing, so he got a shotgun and put it to her head. So some guy was walking. This is a true story. In Aspen, Colorado in 84. Some guy was, I had left Colorado already. Yeah. But I kept in touch. And one day, Jimmy Berkel said to me, hey, man, did you hear about Doug whatever?

I don't know what his name was. He goes, they called him Shotgun Doug because he put a gun through a girl's head. He got all paranoid on Coke. So one day I see this guy in Longmont, Shotgun Doug. A guy I knew in Aspen, five years fucking early. Not even. I knew him in 83. It's 93 in Snowman in Longmont, Colorado.

And he comes in. He's a wholesaler now. I see them all these years later. I'm like, what's up? It's a Christmas party at this dot, at this fucking place, whatever the name of the car dealer was. And it's a used car a lot. It's a fucking buy here, pay here a lot.

You can make a lot of money at those. And I'm sitting there and this guy's like, hey man, how was it being a fucking convict? Like, busting my balls in front of everybody on the basketball court. Like, he thought he was cute. You know, he goes, where'd you want to play basketball? Like that in prison?

Ha ha, ha, ha. Like, he was trying to be cute. And after the game, I called the mobile. Come, hey, let me talk to you about somebody. I got some blow. And I took him into the alley when I grabbed him by his ears and I banged his head against the fucking trailer

because there was a trailer like a lot. I fucking banged it like 18 times. Ba, pa, pop, pa, and all of a sudden they came out and like, what's going on here?

And they fired me. And they're like, how can you get fired a week before Christmas? You know what, man, nobody talks to me a certain way. And if you catch them, there's some days you get away with it.

I just giggle. But there's certain days and you got that fucking black ghost on your neck. You forget those days? You wake up on the wrong side of the bed? I do, but I never acted on it. Now, you got to act on it sometimes because not it eats away at your fucking stomachly.

I know even you get mad at me sometimes, but fuck, you got to say something. No, it's never in the way like that, but I, like, it's, uh, well, I think a lot of people listening probably have the bosses like you were talking about because I know I did. Oh, we all do. And no one talks to them like you talk to them because you're, I don't know, it's, I don't know if you're lucky or what. No, and I'm not tough, but I know that nobody could talk to you like that. No, not tough.

I'm not Chuck Liddell, and I was never Chuck Ladell growing up, but something inside of me. Something inside of me is not going to let you talk to me like that. If I'm fucking up, you could talk to me how I deserve to be how fucked up. You deserve it. You're not supposed to call me stupid or asshole or something. You pull me inside and go, I got a lot of faith in you. You've been slipping lately. I know you're drinking.

I know you're doing drugs. You're not doing your job. You got this broad. Whatever the fuck you're doing it, it ends today. You go home, you think about it and you know the guy's right. You know, some people pay you to fucking do a job. Yeah. And then we fuck up.

Those are the people that burn me up. The people that fuck up. And then when you say something, you're the bad. guy that controls that because that used to be me that was me where I could do something you're like Joey what the fuck and I'm like dog Lee how can you say something I get mad at you then a year later I'm like I'm not friends with Lee because he told me the truth there's a bunch of those motherfuckers running around that you just can't take it no more one day you go hey man I appreciate it I come here

every day I pick you up at nine do me a favor be downstairs at nine you know it's like when you ask somebody for money that they owe you after like a year you like do me a favor can I get that two hundred dollars man, they get pissed at you. There's some people you can't say nothing to in this world. But you have to break that mold. Because if you don't say something, then it bothers you. It bothers you.

It eats your way at you. So you have to say something. I gave you this a year ago. I gave you a fucking CD a year ago. You never gave you back to me. You know what I gave you legs up on the CD to listen to you? You know, just simple things sometimes. So that's what I'm saying with the boss.

I mean, before you tell your boss to go fuck yourself, because he's telling you not to be late. That's not what I'm talking about. We all know the thin line in conversation. We all know the thin line, you know. I had this boss, and I worked at the sports betting service, that was basically a dick. He wasn't a dick. Let me tell you what he was, Lee?

What? He was a real Jew, okay? And he was a great guy, and he never talked down to you. But once it was post-time, it changed. When you were outside that door, that line, it was great. Man, this guy, let me tell you what this guy did for you. On Monday nights, you worked from 10 to 6, and right at 6 o'clock, there was a little. limo waiting for you outside. He'd take you to the best restaurant in town, buy you fucking

whatever you want on the menu. Once a month, you went to Vegas on Tuesdays and came back on Wednesday. All it stayed at the Mirage, went to the owner of the Mirage's fucking office and had dinner with him, whatever the fucking guy's name. On Fridays, before fucking work, you went to the movies. On Sundays, he was such a Jew. He would get bagels flown out from Long Island, white fish, all that Jew stuff, you know, the fucking herring, pickles herring, all that goody, good shit. He would get it flown out. How many Jews do you know? And he would say, he would say it. You work in Christmas Day because Jesus was a Jew. I don't give a fuck. And you understood what he was talking about. He didn't talk down to you. He didn't say nothing to you. He put it in

the way in its life what needs to be done. Everything out, eh, ha ha ha, it's great. You went to that live, you jumped up and down. But today, from six to fucking two in the afternoon, this is what needs to be done. There's no giggling. There's no time where you giggle when you have a million dollars made today, right? And that's when we giggle. And at first you go, but then it's life. Today he's very. successful he's not even in the business no more he's a real estate guy but it all came from that he fucking he was a Jew he was the last of the real Jews I bumped into there was no dron I loved him till this day I still think I still act like him I still

act on the actions that he used to talk about it was when I got divorced I was a little soft still like I was halfway there but I was a little soft life is against me blah blah blah and he kind of fucking was like the last screw one was the first net toughen me up and he was He was the final one. I remember one day going, yeah, Christmas Day, and it was like, no. Christmas Day is the biggest bowl game of the year.

There's two football games. You want to sit at home with your kids? Go. Get a job at the supermarket. You can sit at home with your kids. But in this office, we work from 6 to fucking 12. And you go home at 12. You're going to go home with $3,000, $4,000 in your pocket.

What a better Christmas is that. That's how Jews run. And you'd sit there and go, he broke it down for you in the right fucking way. Yeah, and was he there? Every day. Not this shit. He was calling you from Swahili. No, no, no, no.

I always hated that like, oh, we're going to work the day before Thanksgiving, but he left on Monday already to go somewhere with his family. No, no, no, no, no. He was in the office with you. When you walked in and there was a foot of snow, he was in there waiting for you with sandwiches, and he made you feel good. There's a lot of people you go to the extra mile for when you get there. No, no, no, no.

When you got there, it was coffee hot chocolate, bagels, sandwiches, eggs. He would order food for you. You were taken care of. But on the other side, this is what he wanted. He expected you to work. There was no drama in his world. Him and his brother were fucking great.

And part of the reason that I hit life so hard sometimes at the end was because of that. Because I knew something was missing from my life. And they instilled that last bit of pushing me. Like with stand-up, like they were fucking most, I remember going to the office and them saying to me, listen, you're not working summers. You're going to do stand-up. And in the winters, you come back and make $60,000. then the sum is you make you do stand-up. And that's how you do it.

I mean, everything the guy said to you was correct. You want to be an artist and hang out with faggots? I mean, that's how he talked to you. Ha ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. No. Come in here, make 60 grand, and you could drink coffee and tell lies at the coffee shop with the rest of those fucking stiffs.

And you're sitting there going, he's fucking right. Yeah. So that's the mentality you got to go out with today. You know what I'm saying? And I'm sorry if I'm sorry if I insult to somebody, but he's serious. He was a real Jew. He didn't drive a Beamer.

He didn't drive no fucking out. He drove a, he drove a guy. car with more dense than your fucking head, more dense than my face, Lee. You understand me? Nobody knew his business. He didn't want people to know his business. He had bummy clothes. His father had a hot dog stand. Oh, okay.

In Boulder. The mother was a big, fat Jewish woman who was a sweeter than fuck. You know, but she didn't fuck around either. You know, when they started the business the first year, they made $700,000 in the basement. Him, his best friend of his mother. That's how they started that business. They were working 18-hour days,

seven days a week. when you want something in lively that's it yeah that's it everybody always want everybody wants to everybody wants to fucking go to heaven but nobody wants to die everybody wants to go to fucking heaven everybody wants to party everybody wants to sit in VIP

but when it comes to work in 90 fucking hours they look at you like huh no I want to sit around and play fucking space box whatever the fucking shit PC4 or game of fucking debt you want to play the game of death get a fucking knife and get a car and get out there motherfucker that's a game of debt

you understand me but that's that's the problem with society Nobody looks at things like that. Everybody wants to go to vacation, Santropay. God forbid you can't keep up with the fucking Jones is in this fucking society. Well, it's hard because especially, unless you're working for yourself, you kind of

get down-darting because you could put in a thousand hours but you're making somebody else rich. But then again, what about if you're all working and he's paying and you're putting away money and you're doing the right thing? If you're not blowing your money, you're putting away your money to open up your own business.

No, you can put away money, but let's say you kick ass, you do over, some place, oh, we don't pay overtime here, or, oh, we need this. Oh, they always try to fuck you. So there's always a way for you to fuck them at the same time. You just have to figure it out. And you can't let yourself get,

you can't get depressed and, yeah. Listen, when somebody comes to and goes, I'm going to pay your half, you got to look at it as you're doing your art for practice, and you're only going to do it for a set time and you're going to move on. Somebody hit me that they're working at Walmart or something. And I said to them, you know what,

this is just a short fucking, this is just a short stay at this place. This is just you're just going to refuel, make up a couple fucking G's, stick to your fucking guns and move on. You're not going to you're not going to, you know, that's why people end up, that's why people...

I'm going to go home for a year and save money and then all of a sudden eight years later, you still see him at the bar. Man, I'm putting away money. No, you're not, because you're at this fucking bar drink. People put away money at home with a six-pack. Instead of spending 22 at a bar, they're at home spending eight and they fucking get fucked up. Yeah. You understand me?

So there's way. to do things in this way. I love people who tell you I'm putting away money to move. Really? Just fucking get it together. Get the fuck up. I like situations. I spoke to somebody that day and it was hysterical. They're broke. I told them, shake your tithies.

And I could tell us, you got offended. But I don't give a fuck. You got kids? You got to shake your fucking tities. Ain't nobody going to give you nothing? Ain't nobody going to give you nothing in this fucking life. UGATS. You got UGATS. You got a gots coming to you. You go to a guy if you're a fucking woman who's a six or seven and you go to a guy to borrow money that's the first thing isn't

I'm gonna pay this back well I'm gonna let's do this let's shake those till you let me come on them and we call it even they got a decision to make I'm not telling you gotta be a fucking whore but it's better than walking around with bunny rabbits in your fucking pockets you know what I'm saying yeah no absolutely how's that how's that goomy bed working it's hitting me I hear you look good you see I'm saying after this you get dressed you take a shower you put some moose in you'll get a fucking bagel by that time I go to the the gym and you picked me up later. There's no

there. There's no R&R today in your life. That's it, it's over. The Jew is back. You sat on that fucking couch all weekend, marinating. I went in there smells like a wild animal. You've been scratched. You haven't even taken a shower in three days. You're sitting there scratching your nuts, thinking about mama. You've got to get

it together, son. You're 25. Well, fucking don't give me edibles if you want me to do stuff. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't do shit. Oh, this weekend? Yeah, I fucking didn't do shit. You're going to blame me for fucking Friday. I call them and say, what are you? I'm watching football. What are you, Jimmy the Greek? Get up.

Go see some fucking son, cuck, suck. If it wasn't for the Agostina, I would have, I would have had to peel you off that fucking couch. Absolutely. No, I fucking love doing nothing. Well, you're about to stop, because it's all, once you come back from Boston, there's no more nothing.

You're going to be working 10, 12 hours. I am. No, but that's, it's kind of what we were talking about. I don't mind doing the work. Like, with you, like, you called me and we sent something extra to the CD guy, and I've just been, I love doing that stuff.

and it's it makes I've noticed in myself a big difference when you don't have that because when I was going to the jobs I hated

I had a fucking negativity always around me like I felt bad but I'm a little bit worried about money now and I'm waiting for unemployment to come in

but it's I feel so much better and if you were like oh we need to do this and record or edit and I fucking I would work 24 hours a day

but it's it makes a huge difference when you're positive, when you don't have that negativity around you. Sometimes there's some jobs that just don't agree with you. And, you know, there's a bad time of the year to be talking about not having a job because it's a holiday, in January, you want to start to... But there's a lot of jobs that don't agree with people.

You know, I did something for a while. It just didn't agree with me. I mean, it ate fucking... I mean, it ate me up. I think when I worked for family, it really fucked me up. When I was married to my first wife and I worked for a family,

it used to fuck with me because I was the best one on the crew. I had to be. Because when you, your family, a lot of people slouch, I never wanted to be that slouch or that loser. I always wanted to work double harder. If you have an editing office lead and you come to me and go, Joe, I want you to come work here,

I would go in there and try to be the best editor because I would never want somebody to say, well, he's Lee's friend. Yeah. He slacks off. No, no, no. I turn that shit around. If I'm Lee's friend, I'm going to show you why he's my friend

and why he gave me this job. I'm going to embarrass all you, motherfuckers, and show you what I do. That's how you're supposed. That's your attitude, Lee. That's your fucking attitude. If that's not your attitude, a lot of these jobs, you're going to keep failing, you're going to keep going from job to job.

You know how I know? Because I was one of those people. I used to fail at that shit. Because I was customer service oriented, I worked hard, but there was a chip on my fucking shoulder. You know, I just didn't want to do. I still remember being fucking 21 and working at something electric on the 40th and Bergen-Line Avenue,

swift electric. I was an electrician in Aspen. And when I came back to Jersey, the jobs were in Hoboken. They wanted to pay eight bucks for apprentices. I was getting like $16 an hour in Colorado, you know? Also, I got to fucking digging fucking crossbaces and one residential wiring. I didn't want to do that shit. I wanted to do commercial shit and wire commercial buildings and work with pipes and bend saddles and all that stuff.

So I get back to fucking Jersey, and the only job that was available was at an electronic place where electric supplies, where you went and bought the wires and the switch. and all that shit. So I went to work there. It was an entry-level position. My friend, Kurti Lorenzo's mother, got me the job as an electrician warehouse union. I think I'm a part of it.

I still got a check if I said he sign up. And I went to work there and the fucking warehouse guy was a scumbag. He had gotten a job there, like as a kid in high school, and now he was there 20 years, you know, and he had like a nice car and they were like, he's a success. He bought a house down here.

He's got this fucking 83 Z-80 type. For them, for people from Jersey at that time, that was success, you know. He comes to work, you know, he works six, seven days a week here. But the guy didn't like it when you came in. I'm the type of guy, I don't like you telling me what to do. I know what to do. You don't ever have to, like, if you tell Joe, you're working for me 8 o'clock,

and I get here at 8, and you don't show up to 8.30. When you get here at 8.30, I'm not going to be sitting down. I'll be picking up papers, sweeping. I don't like people telling me what to do. I know what the fuck I have to do. That's the other thing. A lot of people in life wait for them to tell you what to do. I can look at a room and know what needs.

needs to be done. Empty the fucking trash, vacuum, take those boxes out of here, there's shit that needs to be done. A lot of people don't know what the fuck to do. You know, if you go to work for somebody, you got to work one step ahead of them. So they don't have to tell you what to do ever. And that's the same thing in life. I got to tell you what the fuck to do. Why are we doing this? You have to think about this shit without even, and that's any job. That's any job. No boss likes to tell you what to do every morning. Think about it. Would you want to tell me what to do every morning today? We're going to do this from 8 to 10. you're going to do this from 10 to 8.

No, what time you get in, Lee? 8, 10, I'm going to get that 745. I'm going to get that jump start on the fucking day. So when you get in, you're like, this fucking guy's got initiative. These are all parts of moving forward in your fucking life. These are all parts. You can't sit there and wait for somebody to tell you something. You got to fucking go, oh, look, that needs to be done.

Bam! When the guy comes in, who told you to do that? I just know it needs to be done. This motherfucker is thinking. That's what you hope, but I bet that guy at the electronics warehouse, was the type of guy who loved to tell people what to do. Like, you just seem, like, there's some people who, like, who have had those jobs forever who would get mad at you for,

no, no, no, that's not the way we do it here. Like, we like, like, this is the way we do it. And they change it a little bit. They just, people who love being the boss, like, they would get, I bet that's why that you class with people, because they don't like people who are trying to do it different or leaving them out of it. Or it's, that, those are the bosses that always kill me that are such micromanagers. You're like, well, I got it down.

Like, what are you talking about? And it just, that always killed me. I had a bunch of bosses like that. It's that time, cocksucker. I'm so. Fuck it. You got to get more fucked up. It's Monday, December 9th.

16 more fucking days till D-Day. Well, you're Jewish, but don't give a fuck. You're still going to get presents and give presents. Your girlfriend's Catholic. By the way, what are you going to do when you marry this, bro? You don't have to convert. Those Mexicans don't marry Jews, you know what I'm saying? You're going to have to wear a little fucking Yarmico to cross on it and dance.

Well, she's cool. Her mom, I haven't seen them yet, but her mom, I told you, has all that stuff in her house, all the Virgin Mary's. Yeah. And she has, like, prayer circles. Like, they don't go to church. The mom and her friends just get together at the house

instead of altars and do these little prayer sessions. And I'm like, what? Like, I've never seen anything like that. But, no, that's actually a big thing for me. Jews don't pray. Jews just go to the back. No. That's it.

Jews go to the bank. I don't need to fucking pray. We'll pray. I brought three rolls of penny in this motherfucker. I deposited a dollar 20 today. You know what I'm saying? We'll fucking pray. Is that big with you and Terry?

Because my parents, one of the biggest things they fought about was religious stuff. And I know you and Terry are both question, but it's a little bit different. I'm Catholic. Yeah. And I'm a little Buddhist and I got the Santeria fucking base. My wife is Christian from whatever. It's very interesting. You ask that because I went to her church two weekends in a row.

The first weekend, it was okay. The second weekend, Niente Peltte. What happened? Because you were so happy with the kids. No, the kids were great. That was part of it. I don't mind going, saying hello and getting the fuck out of them. I'm downstairs with the kids.

That's my life. I didn't like the upstairs. I just didn't like the session. I didn't like the attitude, the giddiness. the I didn't like this some guy came up and sang a song in

with a fucking acoustic guitar Oh the guitar To do light To talk about light Like this is a song about light I didn't hear light one fucking time You know just It's people in love with them

What you have to remember is we live In an area Where people in love with themselves Yeah And they'll tell you how they didn't want to move here For acting But that's why they moved here Then they moved here

And they realized it was hard And they swam Their fucking logic around They became something else now they're down on acting. But at the end of the day, they still have that glimmer, that hope. And at that church, they shoot a lot of movies.

A lot of people hang out there. So that was the other thing. As soon as I went there, I could see who's in the bit. That's not what that stuff is about, man. At least it isn't to me. When I show up somewhere, I don't want to see other people from the industry and people go.

It's like that wedding I went to. You know what? I thought about it. Since the wedding, I've never heard from that guy again. Because his whole point to invite me to a wedding was to let people know whether he knew it was some comedian, or he had the chick from no doubt there.

Really? We'll consider this. We'll be able to take it. What's up, you sexy motherfucker? Hey. You know me. It's a Monday morning. It's fucking freezing out.

Oh, my God. It was cold in that car this morning. I had the heat on. I had the fucking electric seat warmers, everything. A ice scraper from Chicago. Jesus Christ. What's going on, Mick Bentonkaw? How are you, my brother?

I'm good, man. I just got back from Chicago. I was there for thanks. Okay. And, man, I missed that town, man. I don't know if it's euphoric recall, you know, because when it was cold, the shit, all I wanted to do was leave, but now all I want to do is go back. I just miss it, man. The people, the food was ridiculous.

Oh, the food's always ridiculous in those big cities, brother. Especially there. When you get, once you bite into that fucking Italian beef with the sausage combo, your fitness, all that shit about juicing, all that shit. shit about jumping jacks and your health goes out the fucking window. No. I swear to God, wait. A little bit combo sandwich with pro bologone, jardiner, and red sauce, throw some green peppers on that for good measure.

You have no fucking idea, Lee. Hit it with hot sauce in the mouth. You have no fucking idea. That Italian beef with the fucking sausage combo, good googly-moogly. You tell your heart to suck your dick. Yes, it's a fucking Chicago thing, too. The Italian beef sandwich is a fucking tremendous. And you know what?

They have places. here in Hollywood that has them, I don't want to name no names. They all suck. They all suck. Especially Montenia's place. That's the worst fucking place ever. They got 15 Mexicans and not one of them is from fucking Chicago.

No. The only thing that's good about that place is they kind of almost perfectly stole, and as we all know, in Chicago stealing is a noble profession, so you let it slide. They almost stole the recipe for Lumalani's pizza. They kind of, they're about 40% the way there, but 40% on something that's fucking, like if Michaelangelo and

God came together and made a fucking pizza. So if you're 40% close to that, it's better than anything else you're going to get. Really? Are pizza is good in there? You got to get the deep dish. It's got a lot of oregano on it, but it's, it's, you've had Lumal Nottis in Chicago. You guys play the fucking Chicago theater when you do, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, delicious.

Yeah, it's pretty, I mean, you can. taste remnants of it and I never tasted anybody get anywhere near that recipe Wow Like the crushed tomatoes on there And the cheese is kind of spongy With a little tang kick to it It's just, they're not fucking around

That's the only thing there though, the hot dogs are shit The buns are stale with poppy seeds The beef tastes like a fucking ass It's horrible But the pizza It works What's going on in your world? How's the podcast going? It's great, man.

I got Krista Petta on today, owner of the Punchline in Atlanta, and I can get these great guests, man, and they're not, for whatever reason, you know, sometimes people climb up when they come on your show, and so far everybody's been real open and up for a real fucking conversation, because I like to talk about fear, I like to talk about obstacles, I like to talk about actions, because we came up like fucking knuckleheads. I didn't know. I didn't have a ton of really, really good things.

uh, motivators in my life or inspirations or role models. Nobody I really fucking trusted. So I gotta say, man, you know, have these people come on and maybe pave the way for cats listening

coming up and whatever field they're doing. I'm down, man. I feel very honored to people come on and get honest like that. You know, it's amazing how, how many fucking times that your dad or your mom

say something to you? Like, don't do this in the future. And you shun them off. As simple as stop with the fucking sodas. You know, you get older, you're going to be fat, or your metabolism stops, and you sit there and go, fuck this bitch, I'm never going to be fat.

But if you went to the corner that Puerto Rican dude that sold nickel bags, if he told you that there was white people on Mars playing a fucking parade, you'd go home and you'd believe him. Oh, yeah. And this is why I... It'd be like, I lost parades. How the fuck do we get to Mars? Yeah, and this is why I feel...

I didn't know this until a couple months ago that people do take... this and run with it and you do take the advice people give you I hope they do I hope they learn something I really hope that they go wow this is the because you know me and you don't fucking candy coat dick yeah dick I don't candy coat dick because the world they can't candy coated the world comes at you fucking raw like a dick with no condom on it and either you deflect that motherfucker you put a condom on and learn how to live with it or suck it raw or give it raw so that's how I give it to people I give it to you you know we were talking about bosses this morning like you're a knucklehead

like me remember when you were 19 and you got to work at 10 after 8 and the boss said something you wanted to stab the motherfucker yeah how many times did you do something wrong but then it got to the point where you would do something right and you had a boss that fucked with you and one day you had to stop what you were doing in the office and go let me tell you something I like working here but the next time you talk to me like that I'm gonna knock you the fuck out and they stopped they look you and they send you to the office, and then in the office, you tell the big boss, again, like, if this guy fucks with me, I'm going to knock him out, and the guy's like, no, there'll be no knocking out here. Yes, I'm going to knock him out and put it. And after that, your job is fucking

smoother than smooth. The truck driver, and I'm driving around with this fucking guy, and I can tell you know, you could, if I spill something on my shirt, right? And then I come in the next day, and I got a big stain on my fucking shirt, uh, the case, I rest of my case, Your Honor, I didn't change my fucking shirt the night before, you know what I mean? Right. And we're lugging shit around. And I'm seeing all the marks on this kid's pants with delivery guys for Home Depot.

And we call them Stinky Bill. She smelled like fucking wet yak ass. I mean, horrible. If you're in a truck, it's the middle of the winter. You can't roll the windows down. And I literally feel like I lived 100 fucking lives as a murderer. And that's what I'm getting punished daily moment to moment by having to sit next to the smelly fuck. And so I tell my boss, I go, listen, you got to fucking talk to this.

We keep telling him he doesn't listen. So they write him up, you know, for hygiene. He gets written up. So he goes, can you believe these guys? They brought me up for hygiene. I go, listen, man, you can't fuck around. We all got to work with you. You got to watch your hygiene.

We were trying to be, you know, I'm a kid. And I think that was the first legit job I got to pay me over $10 an hour. I thought I hit the lottery. So I didn't want to fuck it up. And it had benefits. He goes, all right, I guess I'm going to have to change a couple things. He comes to work. next day same fucking shirt off same stink I go bill what the fuck is wrong with you I

go that shit man I can't fucking take it anymore get out of the fucking truck on the corner like three miles from the store I mean walking back man in the fucking cold you got written up everyone's being cool I can't fucking take it anymore he goes I brush my teeth I go what the fuck you're talking about he goes hygiene means brush your teeth you tell motherfucker now we got to write you up for being stupid so I went to the boss and I said you either fire this stinky motherfucker or I'm out. That's fucking crazy.

No, there's some fucking, I'm telling you there's some people who are just lost out there and you're trying to make a living and you're trying to do the right thing and just you know, man. He doesn't know how to fucking show it. That's ridiculous. When I worked at that Swift Electric, we were just talking

about Swift Electric, there was a guy there that was 40 and his girlfriend was 15. No. And he had been dating her since she was like 10. And the parents... You didn't fucking roam? My God, it was horrible.

And he used to bring her with him to work. Like, she wasn't allowed to go to high school. She was like his... He signed her out and took over her life. So they lived in the truck together pretty much that they would deliver electrical supplies in. That's hysterical. I would have stabbed him in the fucking liver.

There was nothing you could say. I want to hold your record on your show right now. You know what I would have done? I would have fucking knocked him out and I would just clip this feet with a fucking knife. I never forget this guy. of his feet, lit him up. So every time he stepped, it's fucking hurt for the rest of his life.

And now I think about it, the guy was a definite child molester. But for some reason, he talked the girl's parents into signing her over to him. Oh, my God. So he was with her all the time. He signed her out of school. By this point, they were married. They had no kids. But he was like 40, and she maybe was 16, 17.

And I remember like, did he appear? What, no, this is, this is 1980. I used to work at a warehouse in Union City called Swift Electric and I almost smacked the fucking warehouse supervisor one day I had to leave there after like I got a job in the city bartending so I left the job But I liked it I liked the place there the boss was cool the owner was cool just this warehouse manager But I just remember that there was a truck driver that had the same thing But this guy looked like now that I remember his look you could tell he'd hang out of a fucking park with a bag of bonbons and shit At the gate you could just fucking tell so it was very very

Very interesting, I like, brother, this is the fourth time in six weeks. This is my sixth week on the road in a row. Oh, shit. And this is the fourth time in five weeks that somebody came to one of my shows with a mixed shirt on. So I wanted to make sure I took the pictures for you, and I took the picture right away and sent it to you. And it makes me happy that people listen to the podcast and they're getting positive stuff out. at the final payoff is coming to the show and talking to us and being really fucking cool,

but when people start wearing shirts from other podcasts and representing, that's even better, you know what I'm saying? Especially when it's family. Where were you when I sent you the picture? Because it was late. No, no, no, no. It was 10 o'clock when I sent it to you.

I showed my wife who helps me ship the shirts out. You know, you know, the deal. If you leave a written five-star review for the podcast, I don't take out any advertising. And, you know, I commit all my time to the show on any, you know, TV shows or whatever that I'm writing, but it's the podcast, then live performances, and then stuff I'm writing. So in order to reward the fans like you do, listen, everyone wants to fucking take, and I think

it's a horrible way to approach anything artistic. You've got to give, man, that's the point. That's what you are as an artist to give. And so when I created the show, I wanted to reward people for listening because there's a ton of stuff out there, and people have a lot of choices. And so if you leave a five-star written review for my... show on iTunes, I'll mail you free of charge, but share it is a sign of my gratitude. It's not a fucking bribe.

It's me saying, hey, thanks. I'm doing this for you, and here's my sign of appreciation. And, you know, like you just said, people like the shirts, they like the show and they go out. And also, you also know this. For people that come on the show, I keep the audience caught up with, like, what everyone's up to. I'm trying to create this kind of fun and collect the community. and eventually after a year I'm going to start probably touring the show

and having like going in the smaller towns that normally don't get shows like we can roll in we want to play the bigger markets I want to do the exact opposite and I want to you know I don't do any corporate sponsorship I only give unsolicited unpaid for ads for family-owned businesses

and I want to roll into these small towns man with big fucking names and blow the roofs off that town and bring some money in and just have a fucking blast because that's just that's what I like man those are the people that I like and those are the type of shows that I want to do you're a fucking savage

you're a fucking savage guys like you are doing your own podcasts allowing yourself to be yourself and have people hear that week after week and I told you on my own show man it fucking inspired me and you know the fact that someone wore one of my shirts

to your show and you came on my show all of it like you said it's full circle it's fucking great it's a fucking beautiful life Are you still working on the Ironside? No, that show got canceled, but... No. I'll tell you, I got an office right down the street, but you've got to come by right by Colfax and Ventura.

Okay, now let me ask you, how many episodes are there? aired four, but you know how it is now? It's going to be some Hulu, Netflix-y shit. They sold it overseas, so I think we shot a total of nine, including the pilot. So, I'll tell you, man. I know a lot of people shit on that show That show is one of the few shows

That you know Usually the pilot's great And then you're catching up to the pilot Because it takes You know the writer wrote the pilot over two years And it's fucking great And then you gotta catch up to that This show

Got better and better Each episode Incrementally It was fucking really great to watch So I think if people just online Give it a chance and get into it I wrote some shit on there That I didn't think I'd be able to get away with

on cable and then let me write it. And it was on NBC, so pretty interesting, man. I didn't know about that, but I'm sorry about that, but you know the fucking business, Nick. One week you up, when we get down, it's what you do when you're fucking down. That fucking matters. Anybody can be up.

It's when you're down. What the fucking... What's that little brother? On your movie's coming out Christmas Day, right? Yes, it is, man. I'm very fortunate that's playing the shit on the trailer. I was in the movie the other day. I elbowed it. I'm like, there's Joe.

It's a I can't tell you the feeling when I saw the fucking trailer. I can't tell you how overwhelmed I was, man. I'm lucky as fuck, you know, but I'm not lucky. I hustle and I keep in touch of people and I send emails and I look through my old emails and I send them and every once in a while you send the right email or you do the right commercial and you stay irrelevant in this business, you know, because every time you do something every three or four months, you stay a little bit irrelevant, you know, and I lucked out.

some people go to acting class yeah some people go to acting class for eight years and do all these things and do theater and I came here and I got into an acting class and I did movies and I finally got to work uh opposite somebody that you know the fucking deal bro you know the deal sitting there you gotta be prepared one of one when they call when they fucking say hops you're in the game you got to fucking be ready hit to homer that's it and you got Sylvester Stallone who let's face it that's rocky bye Bobo. All right.

Yeah, Sylvester Throne is old, and he looks wrinkled. Listen, I'm not jumping up and down with Sylvester Stallone, but at the end of the fucking day, guess what, bitch? That's Rocky Barboa. That's a guy that had our dream. He had the same dream.

He wouldn't sell that fucking script. He wouldn't sell it, Lee. He had to fucking sell his dog. He wouldn't sell the fucking script until he act. That movie got cast the Friday before the Monday. Do you know that? Do you know that the original cast they had fell off?

And that movie got cast the fucking Monday, the Friday before the Monday. They got Mick, they got the girlfriend, and they got Paulie. So think about how you get years to think of a fucking movie and to cast this movie. And this guy is Sylvester Stallone. You got the old guy. What's his name? Rocky's trainer, Sylvester Stallone's trainer. Oh, shit.

What's his name? I just watched him in the original Twilight Zone. Right. Freebie and the Bean. Right, Alan Arkin. Here you got Alan Arkin, who is Freebie and the Bean, who made one of the funniest movies ever with James Con. One of the greatest buddy films of all time that a lot of people will never know about because they never...

You know, James Conn made some great shit early. Great shit before the Godfather. The killer elite, the one with the Chicago Bears, the guy Brian's song. Oh, my God. He did some fucking phenomenal work. You got Kim Bassenger, who the first time I saw was in a movie called No Mercy, when she slaps Richard Gear in the face and he slaps her back

and she's like, what bitch? What bitch? And then you got Robert De Niro who fucking smacks that Chinese guy in a fucking via hunter and shoots every bit at the table and now here I am sitting with no fucking agent

in a fucking apartment in North Hollywood so I got no fucking agency I got no help I got the fucking guy that books me and I got a commercial agent who I've seen seven commercial auditions this year. My theatrical agent there, whatever, I can't get a fucking theatrical age. So here you have it. So this is the way life is.

Yeah, but when you get, the deal is when you get called in, you swing for the fucking fences and not a lot of people do that. They clam up. It's all theory and they can't apply it. You know, you have to keep yourself hype so that when you get the call and you got to go in the room for whatever the gig. It's the same thing. Like, I'm going to play a fucking, I need to be in theaters, you know? You could say that, and look, in order to do what we do, you have to have some part of you has to have an unhealthy ego that can withstand the brutal fucking lows

that allows you to convince yourself to stay in the fucking trenches and keep fighting the fight. The foot side of that is, when you actually get the opportunity, that's the... I try to tell people, and you know this, man, like, you have to stay so hyped so focused just to get an opportunity and then to actually execute the opportunity once it arrives is a whole separate skill set, is a whole separate attitude, is a whole separate attitude.

The auditioning is so different than being on set and doing the 30 takes that you got to do because now a lot of people know you've got to get coverage. So it's not just doing that one scene one time well. You're going to do that thing 50 fucking times. all day long. You're going to shoot one or two scenes a day in movies. You know what I mean?

But if you don't know that and you're not prepared for that, you're going to shit your fucking pants. You're going to be around De Niro and Stallone and go, the fuck. And you're going to break. You know what I mean? It's a whole separate fucking thing.

You said something very interesting that everybody's scared of and that's the word no. It's just natural. Yeah. It's just fucking naturally. Hey, let me suck your pussy. No.

Hey, let me sleep at your house. No, let me borrow $10. No. No, let me work here. No, let me teach me how to play the drums. No, there's always something, you know. I think that after you've been, I think after you... I don't know if you heard of what you came.

Like someone said, it's 100 knows for every... Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. But I think that guys or women or whatever, when you dabble in pain in some part of your life, or you've even dabbled an addiction. Listen, one night I was so coked up, I broke into my friend's house

and slept in this basement on a mattress. At one point, you know, when you wake up and you don't know where you are, I looked over my shoulder, and I was six inches from a piece of mortified dog shit. And I remember looking at that dog shit. That is the bottom of my life right there. You telling me that I can't be in a movie doesn't mean dick to me. You telling me you're not going to put me on a comedy central special, doesn't mean dick to me.

Put me in a mattress next to a piece of dog shit again. That'll fuck my world up because I never thought that I could never go that low. So it's how you look at the fucking no. Whenever I hear a no, I'm like, I'm one no less. I'm one no less from my fucking goal. And it might be a YouTube video or it might be a movie with Robert De Niro. I don't know unless I keep plugging.

I'm never going to know. When I walk into an audition, Mick, when I walk into an audition, as when you walk into a job interview, as when you walk into any position where you're going to be put against a wall, you don't think of anything good right away, Mick. None of us do.

You think about all the bad things in your life. You think about I'm short, I'm fucking, I'm fat, my ass smells like a fucking goat. I can't stop eating. I'm addicted to peanut butter. I pick my toenails with my teeth. And then you stop and you go, I'm from fucking the suburbs or Chicago. I almost got shot. What the fuck are these motherfuckers in this office going to do to me?

Or whatever you've been through in your life. You're from Boston. You went to a Celtic game with a fucking Miami heat shirt on. Whatever the fuck you think is dangerous. You know what I'm saying? Whatever the fuck you think is dangerous in your life. You know, when I walk into those auditions, am I going to sit here and tell you I'm not scared

as I'm parking my fucking car? As I'm walking up those stairs, do you want me to tell you all the things I hear are people telling me I'm a loser? You're a piece of shit. I robbed this. I stole this drug deal. I hear everything bad I did in my life.

And as I opened that door and I look at those motherfuckers and I sign my name on the list, I think about my cock. I swear to God. And I think about my mother dying. I think about my mother coming from Cuba. And I think about finding my mother on that floor with that black and blue fucking arm of hers, you know, dead.

And I think of the things I have to fucking do. And that's it after that. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. I told me one time he goes, you're in charge of how you let people treat you. Because I always thought, you know, it's like a game of fucking pomp.

I'm defending, I'm deflecting. Fuck that. I'm in charge. I'm not in charge of you. I'm in charge of how I let you treat me. Done. End the story. If I want to be fucking kicked around,

I let you do that. If I don't, I don't. It's up to me. But I got to fucking get to a place where I understand that, and I can take actions that allow me to just live peacefully calm. I think the second I got out of the guinea line

and I got in a thank you line, that's when my life changed. You're a beautiful man. You know? Like, where's mine? No, fuck. No, no. Hey, I'm glad to be alive.

I'm glad for any opportunity. you give me, I'll tell you what, when you call me into the game, I give 110% that's what I do. I don't fuck people over, I don't lie, that's it. That's how, you know, was that the way that I was my entire life? No, that's the way that I'm doing it now. I can't rewrite the fucking beginning, but I'm rewriting a new ending. That's why I love you. Hey, let me add. What are you doing for the holidays? My mother-in-law, if anybody out there, is a praying man, a woman, her name's Adlene, she's going through some health issues.

So if you could pray for it, that would be very much appreciated. We're going to go back to Chicago and spend some time with her. You're a good fucking man. What days is the podcast come out, brother? On Mondays. We share Mondays with you. And it drops at midnight on Sundays. Every Monday, I try to get a great mix of people from the drama world, the comedy world.

and I've had a hitman on that. You know, I've got a nice wife variety of your fucking guests. So, yeah, check out. It's called The Mick Bettencourt Show. You can email me directly at the Mick Bettencourt show at Gmail or you can follow me on Twitter at Mick Bettencourt. Mick, I love you. Happy holidays, and I'm happy you called in today.

And I hope you get a new fucking job, Cotsucker. Everybody's beautiful. I hope yours is the same. We'll talk before Christmas. All right, I'll see you. I love you, man. Love you, too, brother. That's a good fucking dude right there.

Yeah. By the way, today's podcast has me going to leave here, and I think I'm going to stab somebody today. Today's a good fucking pie. I like getting motivated on a Monday. I know it's not the funniest podcast or whatever, but we're going to fire you up for the new fucking year. Let me give some shout-outs, bitches.

My main man, Mike Callie, Ryan Kennedy, Michelle Herrera, Ethan, Angela Rojas, Nick, Maria's call. I don't fucking know. Pit-looking guy. Pitt looking boy Andrew Mayhem I love you

Cocksucker and Mike World Peace or Mike World something shit I don't know that's all I got I can't fucking see I love how fucking you just You just realized now a guy getting a 15 year old is a child molester it wasn't a

It wasn't a clue back then I just remember you know Lee I didn't know the laws then It was 1984 I was 21 years old I was a young kid. I was scared. I used to go, you know, at that time, I was really trying to get my life together.

I was only snorting on the weekends. On Sunday and Monday nights, I'd go into the city then and get eight valiums for $10. And I would take a valium every night, so I'd be in bed by 10. People were, like, blown away. But you can't put a silk out on the pig. Within three months, I snapped and started doing blow,

and I went fucking nuts. But I remember at that time, I just remember him. He used to wear it, like, like the, it was February of 84 to about May of 84 when I worked there. And he used to wear the parkers with the hood, with the fur around it, you know. And the girl was half-retarded, so she just sat in the middle of the truck. But if she was next, if he was out of the truck and she was out of the truck,

she'd be standing next to him holding his hand. He wouldn't let her do anything without holding her hand. Jesus. And he would tell the loaders, put that in first, because I got to load this in Union City. Put that in second. come on then he'd tell her get in the fucking car get my sandwich ready and he'd go in she'd get like some type of fucking sandwich

but now thinking about I forget what the fucking guy's name was now thinking about it was amazing how they let the guy work there I mean he was a good driver you know he never drank it was no problem that's why they let him work with him like I said she had to be 16 not a good looking girl

she could see I guarantee she had problems the parents couldn't afford her medical bills or whatever maybe he had insurance and he married her you know I don't know what the deal was, but it wasn't. And in those days, in those neighborhoods, nobody really gave a fuck, I think. You know, I mean, they gave a fuck if you were charm molest. I mean, if he took the kid in.

I mean, he wasn't the guy in Chicago or Cleveland and had him living in their fucking basement deprived of vitamin D. At least he got around in the sunlight, you know what I'm saying? He's going to, whatever. So, talking to vitamin D. On it, motherfuckers. 2014's coming. On it has a sale no matter what the fuck you do.

Plus, once you use our code, you get an additional 10% off. I don't know if it's free shipping, you got to check all that shit. Listen, they got the kettlebells. They got the fucking other kettlebells. They got the ropes. If you want to be Tarzan, they got that part of it. If you want your body in tune, you want your mind in tune, you got your alpha brain. You got your fucking shroom tech, whether you want the sport or the fucking immune.

You've got the new mood. You've got the stevia. You've got the hemp protein pot. have protein bars. You got to turn around 180 if you want to fly. Guys, there's so many fucking different things to offer. But you're never going to know unless you go to honit.com. Take a look at what the fuck they got.

Order it. Put my thing in the box. What's the thing? Church. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H. In the fucking box. And that's it.

Who's better than you? Boom. Four days later, you got some on it. Start yourself on the program. Whether you want to see if the alpha brain, the alpha brain has a tremendous guarantee on it. I don't know what the fuck. because Joe used to always talk about it. Give it a fucking shot. You're sitting there like a moron

scratching your fucking head thinking where to start. That's where you start with your health. Because without your health, you got who gots. Number two, in a couple weeks, we lose Dollar Shave Club. You guys got like a couple fucking days to take an opportunity to this. One dollar, $6 and $9. You go to my fucking webpage, joey deers.net, and you go to the dollar shave club box and what's the code? Church. Church, C-H-U-R-C-A. Don't be so fucking stupid. You don't have to look it up, C-Sucker. It's right there ahead of you. You got the $1 plan. You get the fucking solid core

with four fucking razes shipped to you, no drama. For $6, you get the double blades with the alloy strip. You got a fucking tremendous deal. For $9, you get the double blade with the strip, triple, fucking, it's sharpened by some Japanese guy

in a cave. I mean, let me explain something. You put this fucking shave on your nut sack. You won't see your hair for a fucking month. You want to shave your wife's fucking pussy? The same. I won't suggest shaving your wife's asshole. Do that on your...

your own time dollar shave club does not represent or stand behind the comments made by Joey Diaz about shaving a woman's asshole number two you got nine dollars what's nine times 12 what the fuck Lee I give me this this is what I'm talking about 96 96 dollars a year you know that you're shaving products one oh eight sorry one eight and you know your shaving products are coming why go to the store and stand there with the thumb up your ass looking for raises you know you're gonna get fucking raped so do me a favor go to dollar shave club.com or go to joey Deas.net, go to the box,

pressing church, boom, get your fucking deal. One dollar, $6, $9, all right? That's how the fuck we roll here. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? Joe Bannas. You know? So I'm sorry if I'm sorry the podcast was deep for you today. It was a little

deep for me too, but that's how the fucking things go down sometimes. It's not all about ha-haz and he-hees. Sometimes you've got to get up, look at yourself in the mirror and say, today is the day somebody's sucking my dick. You understand me? Absolutely. Absolutely. What's happening? What's your point?

People are almost having... I can't talk to you for 10 seconds. Hold on. We need to do this. It's Monday morning. Cannot good night. Oh shit. I want to be around. There you go, motherfuckers.

To pick up the pieces. When somebody breaks your heart. Some, somebody twice as smart. as I okay so did you have a point you wanted to make about going to your wife's church or no

because you got interrupted no no listen they have a tremendous daycare program there and I just if you're going to have a religion I want the religion to be real from the heart I have nothing against your religion

everybody has their own religion There's Christianity or Lutheran, Apostopalian, whatever the fuck, Catholic, Jewish, what the fuck you are? But make me feel like I'm in a religious thing. I don't want to get beat up or whipped. But it's 2013, you're still fucking boring me to death with the fucking Jose Feliciano, acoustic fucking guitar. I can't deal with that shit, no, man.

The guitar kills me. It was fucking terrible. It was fucking terrible. Let the choir a fucking sing. Then they got into conversations that I don't want to talk about in church. That's it. That's all it really was.

You know, and it's not my type of church. Remember, happy wife, a happy life, guys. I'm not going to go over there and bust her balls about the church. I'm just not going to go. She's not going to get mad. And I don't get mad. She's cool with that? My wife doesn't get mad at that type of shit.

My wife understands that I'm impatient. I'm very fucking impatient. You know, I snap at the drop of a fucking dime with my impatienceness. And if I could be doing something for an hour at home, you know, and I feel bad because church is something that you do is offensive. family, but it's not really my type of church. I don't want her to go to the Catholic church unless she feels 100% committed.

Do you understand me? So that's where I stand. I have nothing against nobody's religion. I talk a lot of shit. I respect religion a lot. There's people who are atheists or whatever, whatever. But all religion is is hope. So by you telling me you're a fucking atheist,

you ain't got no fucking hope? We all have hope for something. Okay, it's stupid that we bow bow before a shrine or whatever, but maybe it isn't. Who the fuck knows? Chinese people got booed, they're lighting incense, they're putting rice out there for the fucking guy.

Who knows? Who knows? The Cubans do the same on Monday. The reason why I play it's, I want to be around because in the Cuban faith, Mondays are for the spirits. You know, Mondays are to put a candle and light candles for the people that you lost and to let them know you're still thinking about them. You know what Mondays are for in my house. Yeah. And my mother wished to go the extra miles. You'd light candles and put a dish of food out for them and shit. I'm not that fucking crazy. Now, I still don't think I believe in God in my mom. more agnostic. But when I was younger, I was atheist. When you, when you were younger,

your mom passed away when you were 15. Were you atheists at that point? Like, because that would be, that would be reasonable. God kills your mind. When I was born, I was very Catholic. Uh-huh. You know, I believe that dad, my father was in heaven, you know. So that's how it's started people. It's not that you wake up one day and say, I believe the fucking Bible, you know. I believe your father's dead. You love your father and you believe that God has your father. What God, again, that's up to you. He can be with fucking Johnny Hindu.

He can be with a Jew God. He can be with a Hindu with an Afro. Who fucking knows? I'm not here to criticize your fucking God. That's how it started for me. And then after that, you know, you go to church and blah, blah, blah. And then when I was about seven, my mother took me to see this lady called Bev on 148 Street. And all Santa Ria is, in the Cuban faith, is Catholicism mixed with,

African diities. So she mixed them. And she would tell me stories about the Catholic gods and blah, blah, blah, blah. And it just amazed me. And I can't lie to nobody. I fell in love with it. I fell in love with it.

And I really felt protected. Once I got put in Catholic school, I understood it, Lee, and I understood it people at home, but I didn't. I didn't understand all these extra things for Catholicism. I didn't understand why I got hit

if I did something bad the Bible says to love. I didn't understand why I had to drink my fucking milk. You know, I didn't understand all these fucking things that they'd smack me in the fucking mouth. I didn't understand all these things in the church. I had to go to church every fucking day. Oh, I had to put money in a church.

I didn't understand a lot of these things. So that's when you become Bruce Lee. That's when you, in your heart, you like some things, but you don't like the other, so you becomes a G-Cundo. That's all what Bruce Lee was. Was it G-Cundo, or what he was. believed. He believed a little bit of judo worked, a little bit of jih Tzu work, a little bit of karate work, and the rest of the shit was U-GATTS. And that's, at that point, I had mixed

those two together. Okay, and I had a strong faith. But I also saw what was going on with Santa Ria, and that's what happens with every religion, once money gets involved. And it ruins it. A religion is something you do from the kindness of your heart that you do. But I understand, somebody has to pay the lights and somebody has to do this, but it's a tax fucking break, and you know the fucking deals of a church and that's why you open up a church and blah blah blah blah but so I really believed in all that

that time then you find your mother on the floor with our arm black and blue from the fucking heart attack what are you supposed to think you know she doesn't leave you a will you have all these fucking things against you a stepdad throws you out

it wasn't that I didn't believe I didn't know what to think and I was pissed off and all I wanted was a sign for him to let me know that this is just something You don't get a sign. It just got worse from me, but I continued to snort coke. I continued to go out every night and party and jump up and down.

So what the fuck? Yeah. What the fuck, you know? And then I got back my faith a little bit when I got locked up. Really? Yeah, because I had gone away from not, I didn't, I wasn't a part of the Bible studies and nothing like that. Just in my own things, I remembered what happened when I went to see my godmother in 85. And she told me not to do business with three people.

She told me not to fuck around with cocaine nothing white. You know she told me not to fuck around with That was the most important thing She goes I told you a thousand times don't do business with three people now I'm sitting in a fucking hole Because I did a drug deal with three fucking people So now the religion started coming back to me remember I had done drugs every day since 1970 fucking eight now it was 1988 and I was cold turkey when once you get off the drugs you feel your real emotions coming back You feel what the fuck you feel that's why you smoke fucking pot. That's why you do acid. That's why you fucking drink. That's why you do coke to

fucking hide what's really the pain that's killing you. Once that pain rose, it was amazing. So guess what I had? Religion. I had religion to calm me down a little bit because now I knew that they, I believed a little bit. Holy fuck. She told me three years ago not to do business with three people. She told me to stop smoking coke. I knew when I did Santa Reefi, I knew when I did Santa I'm not supposed to deal with weapons. So what the fuck am I talking about here? So here I am. So now I had a little bit, but not really.

I got out, 88. I started selling cars, and I saw one day some guy that was sitting in the front pew at church cheating on his fucking wife. So all these things took me back a little bit. Once I went to Sacred Heart in Boulder, I like that church. And I like the two priests.

That's not like I hang out with fucking priests and listen to fucking Coltrane and smoke. I just liked them their initial thing. I liked what they were doing for the church, you know. And then I stopped going there, too, after I got divorced. Fuck that church. It's a kiss of debt. That fucking, it's like a fucking horse track with fucking Filipinos or whatever fuck.

You know, it's a bad luck fucking horse track. And then I moved here. I moved here, and I got into the acting and the stand-up, and I lost everything. I was so overpowered with the ability to do stand-up and movies and auditions. snoring cocaine, you know, the cocaine from fucking 98 to 2005, my cocaine use was off the fucking chain here. So that cocaine use was still there. And then after Marilyn died and she told me those things, that's where everything revamped for me. And I walked into church.

I did that movie, Boilermaker. And there was an old guy on the movie. That was the guy in Scarface that grabs Al Pacino's face and says, I just get the scar. Tough guy eating pussy. And he had lost his wife before the movie. So I talked to him along the set. I was stopping to do Coke, so I would talk to him as I wasn't doing Coke anymore. I would talk to him about not doing coke anymore.

He talked to me about the pain of his wife. His name was old man, John. He was his Irish as fuckly and funny as fuck. You couldn't bring up George Clooney around him. He would go, oh, fuck that motherfucker. He can't act. You know, this guy was a bad motherfucker. He was in Dog Day afternoon.

He was in Scarface. He was in Boilermaker. Look him up. His name is John something. Old man John, he probably dead by now. But look up the movie Boilermaker, and it'll be a lot easier. Just read me the names of the fucking people. There's Boilermaker on IMDB.

So him and I started going to Lunchtime Mass at Sacred Heart in Hollywood, Blessed Sacrament, where Pachia goes to church. And then one day he found out about this new church, right, on Santa Monica Boulevard, a Catholic church that does lunchtime mass. So he goes, my friends tell me it's not bad. So he went to this thing and there was like three gay guys holding hands. He went off in the church.

Fuck these faggots. And I had to pull him out of there and I laughed all the way to the car. And me and Ralphie took him to lunch one day. What was the guy's name? I'm looking. It wasn't John Savage? No. That guy was in Deer Hunter with De Niro.

Johnny Creer? Johnny Creer? Let's see if he was a detective in it? No, he's one of the old guys. Yeah. No, there's another old guy. Let me keep looking. There's an old guy that was in Scarface.

He was in Dog Day afternoon. He was in some other big fucking movies. I wonder if he died. Because he was living in Hollywood, in the heart of Hollywood, in the rent-controlled apartment. And they were trying to get him out. So they were trying to put him up at the SAG home for old people in Woodland Hills. And he was fighting him.

So he still had a ton of life ahead of him. And I would pick him up. And then somebody called me and said he was yelling and screaming at the landlord. And they were going to move him through his sisters. But the guy was fucking hilarious. Nothing yet? If his name, he might not have gotten billing. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he got billing. He got billing. I'll see him. Let me here. Let me switch with you. I'll find it. Because I can't do it. Sorry, guys.

Let me just switch with my man here for a second. Let's chat John Savage. Check me. Right, keep on. That's it. Wow. But he was in, he was in Scarface? Yeah, he was in Scarface.

Scarface, fucking immigration inspector. John Brandon. Told his name was John Sumpkin. Just read what it says about. Oh, I was sorry. John. Yeah, they didn't put him in with a Borlandmaker. Keep on.

That's it. That's it. That's landing, Archie Bunkers place. Look at this fucking resume. Neither city, either, either than. Do you see? Serpico? Look at this shit guy.

Serpico, gun smoke. This motherfucker was a savage. I can't find God Day afternoon. But, uh, yeah, was either Serpico or one of those. That's how bad this motherfucker was. He once told me a story. Sorry about walking away from the microphone.

He once told me a story. It's John Brandon. You're right. He once told me a story that, uh, that, uh, he went, when he went to read, for Scarface. They met him read, and the guy told him, you know, when the Al comes in,

so at first he fucking roughs Al. He's the one that grabbed Pacino and goes, how'd you get the scarring your pussy? Tough guy eating pussy? How'd you get the scar on your face? Tough guy eating pussy? And all of a sudden he goes, cut, cut. And the director and the producer goes,

come here for a second. Let me talk to you. John, he goes, John, don't touch his fucking face. That's the shot. How dare you touch his face? What's the matter with you? Next time, grab him jump. And next time

Pacino goes, all right, you ready? Yeah, but I'm like, awesome brand for goes, how'd you get the scar on your face? Tough guy eating pussy? And he only grabbed his shirt. And fucking Pacino goes, John, would you please cut my fucking face already? So the director just turned around and hid

because he had fucked up. Pacino wanted to be grabbed. Pacino wanted to be, you know, touched and pushed. You know, that was going to sell the scene. So John said he felt really good that he made the right call, you know. Yeah.

John was a good guy. I hope he's not dead. He was just an old fucking geezer that. We'd tell people exactly how he felt. Also, this weekend when I was on a plane on Southwest now, they give you free TV. And I noticed that people sitting next to us, we're watching Hulu fucking Plus.

And I asked him a bunch of questions, and they were watching a show called Savage. Okay. Savage or something on there. And I asked them how they liked it, and they said they fucking loved it, that they've been part of Hulu for like four months. They didn't sign up because of me.

I'm not going to tell you that. But they said that they loved it and they told me all the advantages and the Wi-Fi's and this and this. And you know what? That makes me happy because I know Lee and I made a great choice. We're picking sponsors, okay? Hulu Plus, two weeks for free, $7.99 a month after that. You got original programming, you got fucking Law & Order SVU, you got Saturday Night Live. You got so much stuff on there.

You can't not be a part of that. You understand me? Please go to fucking Joey Diaz.net. Go to the Hulu Plus box pressing Joey, right? J-O-E-Y, get yourself two weeks for free, and then $7.99 a month after that, no fucking strings attached, you're going to love it. You're going to fucking love it.

My wife lives on fucking Hulu at work, she was telling me. So please, you can watch it on your phone, you can watch it on fucking an iPad, some smart device, you can even watch it on some fucking asshole, some guy who let you put a screen up his ass. I don't fucking know what you do for entertainment.

Huluplus.com. Go to joey-deers.com. Check out my dates and why you're there? Go, what the fuck? I like watching TV during the day. a week and I want to save money next year 799 a fucking month people that's 96 a year correct correct so what the fuck are we waiting for just go to huluplus.com go to joey dears.com go to joey dyes. Go to hos and press and joey and get you two weeks for free and let's get this fucking party started

you know why because that's how i roll it's monday morning i got time for fucking fun and games of you people we tried to put a podcast together today i don't know what the fuck happened to it i'm stone i'm having a good time ghoumy's not that high you look yes i am no you're not you look great And this is what I was trying to tell you. I want you to build resistance because in 2014, if you want to hang out with these crazy motherfuckers with the Constantine Reigns and the Leon's and all these people that we fucking shout out,

you got to bring both gunsley. The fucking people who listen to church and come to the shows, they're fucking professionals. You see the bag of dope they sent you? Yeah. Did you see the bag of dope they sent? It was the biggest pill bottle I've ever seen. These people don't fuck around.

They love you. I don't want you to lose face in front of them. They come to you with a fucking bazook It's got a thousand milligrams of THC. I want you to eat it, look him in the eye and go, what are you going to do? Suck my dick and lick my asshole. That's what we're trying to talk about here.

Again, the motto of the fucking podcast is, what the fuck do you want to do? Do you want to walk out on your fucking knees or do you walking on your feet? The rest is up to you, bitch. That's why I love you. The church of what's happening now, let me tell you what I'm doing,

just to let you people know what's going on. This Friday and Saturday, I'm going to Nashville. I'm only doing one fucking show a night. Don't come crying to me later. The tickets, Joey, we don't know what to do. It's not a big place. It's 9.30 show.

That's it. Following James Gregory, one of the funniest fucking men you ever seen your life. Next Monday, we're not doing a podcast. We're doing a podcast next Wednesday and Friday.

Okay. The 20th, because I'm going to the premiere. I'm taking the fucking bloggy and I'm putting it all. I'm doing a mad flavor world. We're going to tap into Lee's editing fucking world again.

And because he loves to edit. So we're going to do a live podcast. We're going to do a premiere. Mad Flavors world special one because you guys are part of this you guys are part of my life and without you I wouldn't even have the luck to fucking do this movie so that's what we're doing so next week it's Wednesday and Friday we'll be back Wednesday at 6 a.m. And then I'm also doing Doug. Get Doug with High?

Get Doug with High Wednesday afternoon. Like I said, I only got two days left this weekend. You ready for this? I got Nashville. But New Year's Eve is not really just a New Year's Eve show. It's a CD. release show. I'm releasing the CD the 31st of fucking, so I'm going to try to have Lee burning some copies. I'm going to try to give away. So it's not just a fucking comedy show. I'm going to have

some tremendous fucking comics there. And I'm going to have a CD release party. We're going to smoke some dope. It's 30 bucks together. Then you're out of there at 10.15. Are you listening to me? There's going to be a DJ. You could stay up there. You could eat dinner. You could jump up and down. There's a hotel right on Universal City, the Sheridan. If I was you, I do that complete plan, take some mushrooms, bring your girlfriend, shave her ass on with the dollar, shave club give us some honored new mood and fucking uh i don't know watch hulu plus whatever the savage while you're being a fucking savage so what my point is is a 30 dollar cd release party new year's party rather that 1030 whatever the fuck you want to do and uh that's it's gonna be easy

december 31st john lovitz go to john lovitz dot com and get your tickets fucking today and cut the shit okay plus on the 25th on christmas night me and lee and paula sure we're gonna go to the movies to see grudge match you know what you're invited If 100 of you come, you're invited. The movie sucks. We all watch it together and we take the loss, okay? That's just the way it is. The movie's going to be great.

You guys are going to love it. So please, we're going to keep you posting it. What movie theater? It's going to be like the 8 o'clock show. Go, open your presents, kiss the kids. You know, go see your mom, all that shit. We want to try to make the movie theater as late as you can, like 830, 10 to night.

Whatever the fuck that time is. People can make it. We're all going to be together Christmas night. A church fucking gathering. Nobody does this type of shit no more. You're going to say, nobody, nobody. We're going to eat fucking bennigougos. We're going to eat fucking crackers.

Whatever. If you want to suck a dick, come on down, too. There's going to be plenty of guys there need their balls licked. So come on down. I love you people. That's all I got to offer you. You know, I wish I had more. But please, Christmas Eve, let's get together.

Christmas night. Christmas night. If you can't make New Year's, I understand. If you don't live in Nashville, I understand. But these are two days left of the year. Let's all get together Christmas fucking night. Watch Grudge Match as a fucking family. That's a fucking family.

If you want to bring turkey sandwiches, you want to bring cookies from your house, cupcakes, lace with marijuana and hash, Lee is ready. I love you guys. Have a fucking great day. Stay black. I don't know what else to tell you guys. Merry Christmas, happy holidays. Fuck it.

Tremendous podcast today. Yeah, that's, I'm really excited for you, man. This is like the calm before the storm. Yeah. When that movie comes out, it's going to be. Listen, I don't know what it's going to be, but let's watch it together. I don't know what it's going to be. And I don't give a fuck what it's going to be.

You guys know what it is. It's us. This is what it means to get up in the morning and have a dream and just make it happen. So let's just go together. Bring weed. Don't bring weed. Bring an edible. Don't bring an edible.

Just bring money for your fucking ticket. Everything else, we'll figure it out. We'll buy 20 pounds of popcorn and show up each other's ass. I'll fucking know. We'll butter it for you. I love you guys. Have a great day. Stay black.

Oh, and quickly, Augustino, Zorda, and I, he's been on the show. He opens for Joey sometimes. We started flying due radio. It's been submitted to iTunes. Check it out, please. Or follow me on Twitter. And that's it.

Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows. Anytime, anywhere, on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com. Or go to joey-d-d-d-com. and click on the Hulu Plus banner.

And don't forget to sign up for dollar shaveclub.com. You'll get high quality raised or sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Go to dollar shaveclub.com forward slash church or go to joey d.orgiaz. And click on the dollar shave club banner. I love you.