The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #121 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: December 6, 2021

Welcome to The JOINT..... It's Monday, December 6th.... This episode is brought to you by Better Help, The Freeze Pipe, DraftKings & Blue Chew….. Go to https://www.BetterHelp.com/DIAZ Use PROMO CODE: DIAZ for 10% OFF your 1st Month! Go to https://www.BlueChew.com Promo Code: JOEY & Try For Free! Just $5 for Shipping! Go to https://www.TheFreezePipe.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY For 10% OFF your 1st Order! Download the DraftKings SportsBook App & Enter Code: JOEY https://www.DraftKings.com/sportsbook to receive $200 in Free Bets when you Bet $1…. Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Ep. 65 - https://youtu.be/TfKCC9L6978 Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

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It's Monday. I got things to do and so do. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday. December the 6th. A beautiful motherfucking day to be alive here on Joey's Joint. ABX coming through for the holiday season

with the capsules. of fucking debt. I won't have any lonely nights. You know what I'm saying? You're never lonely with ABX 100 milligram capsules. And if you get the 200s, forget about it. You won't be lonely. You'll have people talking to you. You can talk back to them. It's okay. We won't tell nobody. It's just a fucking another Saturday night here at the Diaz compound. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? I'm feeling great.

I'm looking great. Jiu-Jitsu's first week was great. It's a fucking drill class. I don't give a fuck. I go down. I get to jump up and down and do some hip escapes and some jumping jacks and then some guy lays on me they teach you a throw Don't move in the fucking submission you practice it and you go home after 45 minutes But look what it's done for me. It's better than sitting at home staring at the wall asking yourself where did I go wrong You know what I'm saying? I can't fucking stand sitting at home anymore But it was a great week this week we had some fucking Interesting goddamn events in the country this week that I always fucking uh sit there

and scratch my head when I read about something and it had like I could compare myself to that story that's how I do with those things like a fucking 15 year old little retard shoots down the fucking school did you see the picture of that motherfucker and what he looks like that kid had some fucking problems listen I got some problems but that little fucking kid at 15 or 16's got some problem

you see a picture that little motherfucker they just had to hunt the fucking parents down the fucking and I am ecstatic I am, listen, man, way before I was a parent. I remember during the Columbine thing, Columbine, the fucking Florida shooting, I was like, this shit's got to stop. Parents, this was way before I was a fucking parent

that I was like, wow, guys, I was a broken fucking kid. I found my mother on the floor, and I hated fucking God. Okay, when you have a beef with yourself, you have some mental issues, that's one thing. I had no mental issues. I had something worse. I had a beef with fucking God. What does that mean, Joey, that you had a beef with God?

Well, if I saw a cat, I'd shoot it with a fucking BB gun. If I saw an aunt, I stepped on it. If I saw a fucking dog, I wanted to hit it with the car. I mean, that's anger against the world. That's when you're lashing the fuck out. You know, and I had a fucking big-time problem with it. I haven't even copped the half the things I did because of stupidity and anger. I can't even count the amount of things I did.

but all that fucking mental war I had going on with myself at 16, 17, and 18. This is what I compare this to. I go, fuck, I never had even a thought. Two thoughts never entered my mind. Doing a swan dive off of George Washington, which is always fucking easy to do. Or take a gun and go in and shoot my fucking classmates. I never even fucking thought of that. I never even thought about shooting anybody.

The taller was maybe like 21. You know what I'm saying? I mean, yeah, when you get older, you think of shooting people and fantasy. Somebody says something to you. Somebody picked on you. You're like, fuck, I walked away from that guy, and I should have shot him in the fucking leg. I mean, these are the things you start thinking when you have that hatred in your heart. I don't know what this little retard fucking hated.

I have no fucking idea what made him do what he does. But, I mean, listen, everybody's going down on this. I mean, the school went after the parents. to cover their ass, but there's going to be parents that sue that fucking school for letting that kid go home. They left them in the, they didn't let him go home. I'm sorry, I screwed up the facts. They let him stay at school.

He had done a note. He had done a note of him shooting a teacher, like with a stick man and all this shit and blood. I don't know exactly what he said. I know it's retard shit and he fucking took it. They called his parents. His parents came and by the time they asked him for the next. note he had altered the note so right there and there me as a teacher and as a safety get this kid out of there he made the right call by asking him to go to therapy in the next 40 hours that was a

great call but you know what the second best call was get this motherfucker out of that they let him sit in school and then he shot those kids and i got my heart goes out to that fucking kid that fucking ran after him and lost his life as a fucking hero i mean there's some great stories coming out of Michigan. But it's a really fucking sad situation that I can't figure, like, I'll sit there for hours and go, well, you know, I'll go for a ride or something. And that's how I break down

things, you know, now that I'm not getting high in the daytime. Well, we're changing that shit. ABCX came through like a motherfucker. Tremendous. A.B.X came through again with the capsules, and they came through with these motherfucking loud and clear, diamond. I mean,

fucking tremendous. shit and you guys know I don't like vapors but you know what I tried it yesterday didn't do much to me like I got me a little high made me want to get a slice of pizza so I said fuck it I'll start hitting these on a daily basis you know like I said I'm not getting high at night and I'm kind of enjoying it but who gives the fuck let's back to the fucking Michigan retards those fucking idiots because no listen if you're listening to this podcast right now and you have a child that could have been your child I don't want you to fucking walk around going might My child?

No. But think about it. When you really, that could be a school in California. That could be a school in New Jersey. That could be a fucking school anyway. You're a parent. You're at work. You're hustling.

You're not really thinking about that situation. To get that call that there's a school shooter. You're fucking heart must drop. You're fucking everything. You know, everything will stop. This kid, when you look at the kid, you look at the mother and you look at the father. Holy shit. Listen, I got problems, like I said before.

But you could tell. These guys withdrew $4,000. There's just so many kinks in this. The father bought the kid the gun. The kid took it to school. You know, he posted on social media. And this has been something that's getting worse and worse in this country. I mean, every fucking, you know.

And like I said, I think about, I can't lie to you. I thought about this shit before I had a kid. Like I would sit there and go, what the fuck is going on with these little bastards? Like, I'm very happy that there's cops at my daughter's school. there's always a cop there's a cop a security force that drives around like when you ask what I do people always go you know they just ran a fucking uh a commercial here before the election November 4th this is you know the way they were going to take down Murphy and uh again I'm not political I don't do a fuck who won let's make a fucking asterisk right there I don't want people going Joey but you vote

I didn't vote for nobody I'm a felon so stop it but before the fucking Murphy thing came down It was interesting they would say, you know, they had a commercial of them asking Phil Murphy about taxes. And Phil Murphy replied, listen, if tax is an issue, Jersey is not your fucking state. And people got pissed off at that, but I'm going to tell you something. I pay 11% tax here or something fucking outrageous. I don't mind. I don't mind because they clean up my leaves. They come pick them up once a month during the fall.

I have a garbage pickup. My wife had some fucking issue with Mercy. Mercy's got anxiety. Mercy went to the school nurse. Jesus Christ, they fucking called here. They sent all type of paperwork. I mean, there were just great people. I couldn't fucking believe it.

And then the fact that when you go to that school, you're not getting in there. You're not getting in there, guys. I got to be honestly, do I like that? Yes and no. It's got its pros and it's got its cons. I don't think you could slip a gun in there. You know, they break them up. They got enough fucking schools around here.

They got one school across the street from another school. You know, I mean, it's fucking crazy here. They got tons of fucking schools, but one thing is right. I met the guy at the pool this summer that does security at one of the schools. And he was telling me that protocols, and I was like, what? He just kept going on how they have all that shit covered. They got a machine gun there to shoot some fucking retort. that shows up or whatever gun they're prepared they're just prepared do i know accidents happen

yes that's not the end-all be-all but does it make me feel a little bit more comfortable throughout the day yes knowing that there's a cop there my daughter doesn't need to see that children never need to see that i'm so happy they closed the fucking school afterward this they're scared in michigan that there's going to be more retaliation at the fucking schools that's no way to fucking live that's no way to fucking live you got to put these fucking kids down, Jack. We got a fucked up kid. And listen, I appreciate, you know, I get therapy.

I understand it. I live it. But there's some people that better help can't help. You know what I'm saying? And that kid, better help can't help that fucking kid. I don't care how many video screens he does or how many video sessions. You can see when somebody's fucking damaged goods. And you're like going, Joey, who the fuck are you to say that?

I was damaged goods. And I know the road to come back. I know what damaged goods means. It means where your mind is not fucking, you know, when you're thinking about killing people. You know, 1988 between the cocaine, my pain and all the bullshit, I was walking around there for a few months thinking it would be nice to shoot somebody in a fucking leg. I'm not going to lie to you. And when I kidnapped that fucking dude, I had the opportunity to shoot them both.

And I went out in my car and I got my gun. I thought I was fucking Don Johnson on Miami Vice. And I tell you what, it's not that I chickened out. It's that I have a value for life. And I know that when you murder somebody, you're going to. into a complete different realm of life that you're not gonna come back from. That stays with you the rest of your fucking life.

And it's like, it could either be like a shark effect. You know, you bite one time and now you get the taste of fucking blood and you don't stop again. So I wasn't in the business of even, they weren't threatening me. The only threat they had to me that they were going to testify against me.

That's not a threat. It was a 50-50 chance. One of the idiots testified against me, so it wasn't a bad deal. But I wouldn't, I didn't want to make a bad situation worse. That day, that was a bad situation. I went to rob that kid at 118, and I knew by 140 that this was a knucklehead fucking move.

But the wheels were in motion. It was too fucking, you couldn't stop it. You know, you just couldn't stop it at the time, and now I was all in. But after I saw his face, after that Tidwell did what he did to me by fucking trying to rob me, listen, both of them deserved to fucking get shot. I'm happy that I was strong enough at the time to think about and go, this would have just made the situation worse. And that was the end of me wanting to kill anybody.

For years, I walked around going, the first guy that disrespects me or beats me in a drug deal, especially in bold, I had a fucking chip on my head. I was like, the first guy that says anything to me, I'm just going to fucking shoot him. I drive around with a gun. I almost ended up shooting my ex-wife's boyfriend. I'll tell you what, that's why I have a gun now.

It's hidden. I don't flaunt it. I don't practice shooting. You know, when I was a kid, I would shoot. I thought about where my head went when I had a pistol and what a pistol was for. And when the pandemic started hitting L.A., you know, look what's going on in L.A. now. Look what's going on in L.A. now. So I guess I was fucking wrong about L.A.

I guess I was wrong when I told everybody, listen, pack your bags today. This is not a fucking a deal where, you know, I'm going to work for a month. I'm going to work for six months and put away money And in six months I'll decide where I'm going to go You ain't going to have the chance in fucking L.A. Look what's going on in L.A. They just guys, for you motherfuckers that don't know, I'll tell you what just happened Friday fucking night

I don't know if you guys knew I had a podcast office And it was on Comston Street And I also had a house on Compton Street I didn't own it, I rented it That's why I got the office on Comston Street Because I could walk to the fucking office That was tremendous. I'm sorry I'm taking a breather.

I've been fucking advised not to drink water on the mic no more. But you try talking for eight minutes and not being thirsty. When I leave here, my throat's like a fucking grape, okay? My uncle, uncle Dan Florentine said something to me. Then a couple other people said something to me. I don't give a fuck. I'm just trying to be a political, you know, I'm trying to be a nice fucking guy here. What we're talking about before I was interrupted with myself here.

The fucking thing in Michigan. The thing in Michigan, you should, you not want to show. No, because it was fucking retarded. Oh, you had a house. Yeah, I had the house in Comston, and I had the office in Comston. Then the baby was born, the landlords got weird, so we moved. But I still kept an office in Comston. Before I left, guys, I don't know if some of you guys listening to the church,

I don't know if you guys know what I was talking about here when I was saying that, that I saw the guy hit the guy with the four by four at the train station I saw the fucking hooker the white dude punched the hooker in the fucking head I saw a couple things that just it was too quick like it went from everybody smoking dope

and Viva California and all this shit to just somebody getting hit by a four by four not a two by four not a new chuck Not a fucking piece of wood, but a four by four guys. It's a thick one, four by four. Just to put your hands around it. It's like holding a fucking, you ever see a chick in a porn which you got a black cock in a fucking hand?

That's what a four. Even a big white dude, even if I fucking put a four by four, it would just be my hand. Look at these gorilla hands that I got, and it would be fucking hard to carry a four by four. It's like when they have the, you ever see those little white chicks with the fucking, they got like blonde streaks in the hair And they're sucking a black cock

And the black cock looks like a tuba And they're sticking in their fucking mouth It's just crazy This motherfucker And this dude was no fucking 6'4 foot 6 dude This was a little skinny white dude That probably smoked crack a half hour before And he still had the fucking strength

To pick up a 4x4 And clock three or four fucking people When I saw that You gotta think about that If that was a fist fight It wouldn't have bothered me Do you understand me If it was too Puerto Rican stabbing each other

I would have just kept driving But this was a white dude with a Warriors vest on, no t-shirt underneath, just clocking motherfuckers at a bus stop. I'm watching these people just go down. Somebody is behind, you know, like what makes people do that shit? I knew right then and then when I got home, I go, listen, we're packing our bags and we're getting the fuck out of here. Okay, and my wife started seeing stuff. Then when I went to smoke with my friend Sophia behind the YMCA. We'd go back there fucking three nights a week during a pandemic.

sit in her car, I'd sit in my car and we'd just talk shit and smoke the fucking number. And then we started sitting with each other because nobody was getting COVID. It was all the fucking scam back there. So fucking, I heard a gunshot go off. The gunshot, it was like on the fucking corner. We talked for a little bit more and then I went home. And when I walked in, my wife goes, where the fuck were you? They just shot somebody on fucking Magnolia and Lancashire.

I go, dog, it sounded. I could hear that. All those little events. Going from zero to fucking 60 and during a pandemic. Like not even. This was, the pandemic started March. Everything shut down March 13th. This was already in June I was seeing this shit.

Friday, fucking on Comston, right up the block from the office that I loved. And you guys, you know, eight years we were there. A guy went to Melrose to eat dinner, came home, sat in this house. and at 3 in the morning they kicked on this front door, a home invasion, and they fucking robbed them. You know where it was, guys? If you go to the office, you get out of the office with your car or on foot, you walk 100 yards, you probably hit my old house,

and then you walk another 100 yards, and you probably hit another street. I don't know what that street was called. It went like if this street was going south to north, this one was going east or west, so I don't really know the name of it. I'm sorry. A guy right there was two. and a half blocks from that office.

That's North Hollywood, Studio City. That's not good, guys. That's not fucking good. All those people that are there now and go, it's okay. Oh, they're cleaning it up a little bit. Sure, because misery loves company.

Nobody's going to tell you the L.A. sucks, right? Who the fuck is going to look you in the face and tell you, man, don't come here. No, they got all those fucking scumbags are going to go, yeah, come out of here or whatnot. So right now, they tell you not to go on Melrose. fucking we grew up on Melrose 911-210 right five little white kids fucking each other

they had herpes they had fucking all that shit right we were fucking grew up on that if you're my age I know I didn't I didn't watch it religiously but you're watching you're like there's six kids they're rich they got trust funds and they're snort and coke fucking great neighborhood I fucking love it sign me up too bad I don't have parents

you know what I mean so they uh Melrose that's what it represented You know how many great times I had on Melrose? The time I went to Vegas where I bought that suit to open up for Tim Allen was on Melrose. Doug Stanhope took me down there. I mean, Melrose is just a fun little fucking place. Me and Ari used to go to a Chinese place, those combo dip places that pour all the noodles in. Oh, my God, we used to have a pisser on Melrose.

Sal's was on Melrose. The improv was on Melrose. How many nights was I on Melrose crossing the street with the fucking Dos Amonos Gumi's guys? they would bring down fucking bongs bigger than this shit here, bigger than freeze pipe. They were, what do you call those things? Because they have one too, not a doubler. Yeah, the dabber, the bubblers.

The dabber. They would bring down dabbers the size of that. Me, fucking Lee. Next time I have Lee out. We'll talk about the night with the fucking Goomys Armados. We're on Melrose and there's eight, nine people. Two of the Gumi's Armados. And we're fucking sparking those things that they said.

The fucking dabs. Yeah, it was like a blow torch. Right on fucking Melrose. I'm like, holy shit, we're going to go to jail. That was the beginning of the fucking end. And I'd never forget hitting those three dabs, and it felt like my lungs were crushing. It was at that moment at the improv that I decided this dab business ain't for Uncle Joey.

I can't bring a blow torch to the house. I can't have this shit in my house. It's like the dab shit. No, he sent me another one. That's like the dab shit. Let's try another one of these fucking nice. I'm feeling fucking Kesquese. You know what I'm saying?

It's Monday morning, December 6. suckers. Come on. Strap on a pad. The month is here. We got 24, 20 something fucking, I don't even know how many fucking days. 19. Shoplifting days till fucking Christmas. You know, I heard John Lennon the other day in the car already.

And so is this Christmas. I think on Friday. I was driving back from Jiu-Jitsu, and I heard John Lennon. It brought a tear to my eye. It was a fucking beautiful day, but I'm excited, guys. 2022 is going to be our fucking year, and I hope you're thinking the same way. Listen, 2021 and 2021 and 2020. That was something that we couldn't fucking control.

That said, it's over with. But now you could do whatever the fuck you want. I don't know. The numbers are raising, but you could still fucking make it happen. You just got to do it fucking smart. I've been getting out there a lot more. You know, listen, man, it's over. This fucking new ominent code, whatever that came from South.

Amma crop, whatever the fuck came from Africa. Listen, you know what? The devil was born in Africa. As long as you fucking know, you know what? You didn't see the fucking exorcist? That's the devil. The devil was born in fucking Africa. any vacations in Los Angeles.

That's why L.A. is so fucked up. Okay, I don't even know I was going with this. That vapor pen does have some fucking kick. I got to refer this to people. Holy shit. Loud and clear. This is the Diamond fucking series. My boys over there at fucking,

they wanted to hook me up for the holidays. Beside, A.B.X. We're going to do a 200 milligram capsule together. The Joey D. D. is fucking capsule of debt. You're going to look like Jose Alvin. giving that dude the eye of death last night. Jose Aldo got into a tremendous fight on Saturday night.

And in the fourth round, the kid clocked him in the fucking eye. The Puerto Rican kid clocked him in the fucking eye. And his eye was completely locked. He was fighting a dude with one eye. But the way his eye looked like you could have a pretty eye. But when you get hit in this eye and this eye gets fucking locked on your right eye, the left eye got a little sharp. It's like he got hit in the eye.

but he did a line of coke on the left fucking nose and it went straight to the eye. This eye was alive and fucking kicking. It was looking at everything. You ever see the fucking the Adam's family when people would walk by and Uncle Fester would follow him with the eye. That's like Aldo was with that one

and trust me, I love Jose Aldo. I'm not goofed on him. I'm just adding some fucking humor to the situation here. Jose Aldo's fucking one eye. He looked like that. All I kept thinking about was that song by Judas Priest off a hell bent for leather.

I got a contact on you. I have eye on you. He was fucking looking at that motherfucker. Aldo won. I don't know how he survived it. He's a fucking 40-year-old savage. He held the guy down. He did what he had to do.

But when that fucking eye was alive and kicking, and he had that eyeball, oh, my God. And listen, Hell Bet for Leather in the UK was released as Killing Machine. And that's one of the songs. And now it goes right into fucking killing machine. Then I've got a contact on you. And all of a sudden you see that fuck. There was a girl in high school who had a glass eye.

And all the kids used to sing that to her. We got a contact on you. She used to get pissed off, but what are they going to do? It was the past. Nobody kicked her in the chins. You know what I'm saying? That's the truth. Some kid bullied my daughter last week.

He put fucking tremendous week last week at the Dia's residence. Some fucking kid bullied Mercy on Monday. Mercy came home, came right downstairs. She's like, Dad, I need to talk to. He was classic. She's like, he did this. He put, he threw my hat. And, you know, I don't want to get in trouble. I go, mercy, there's no trouble when you're defending yourself. There's no trouble. That's the only trouble that you don't defend yourself that you don't stick up for yourself.

I go kick him in the fucking nuts as hard as you can. You know, but don't let him fucking. He's two grades ahead of her guys. What am I supposed to do, fucking make her become a wallflower? No, she's no laid down Sally. I'm not going to raise her. you know, lay down Sally. I want her to get on that fucking bus and stick up for herself.

So a little friend stuck up for her. Then the next day, both of them stuck up to the guy. And now they separated them. The kids in the back of the bus. And the two girls are in the front living like doctors. And I told her, you've got to stand up for yourself. Who gives the fuck? Just go for it.

If you get in trouble, I'm not going to be mad at you because you stuck up for yourself. I never will. That was my problem. When I was a kid, I didn't fucking stick up for myself, you got to stick up for yourself. Who gives the fuck what they think or how they feel, you know? so she's a lot better now, but I told, I said, you know, if he hits you, just call him a fucking pussy because he won't hit girls, you know, and that night, Jimmy Florentine came all with his kid, and she's at the table eating, and she's like, if he touches me tomorrow, I'm going to call him a pussy,

and even Jimmy's kid fucking faltered up, my wife's eyes opened up, my wife pulled me aside. You can't tell her that shit, Joey, you know. She's just a little fucking girl, but what am I supposed to do? I got to teach her to fucking defend herself, you know? It's tough. It's really fucking tough trying to, I never know I would even utter these words, but it's very tough to raise a child today. What I can't tell them, what I, you know, I don't want my daughter to fucking go out there and sound like a bigot. So at the house, I don't say dick no more.

You know, I decided that all this shit that happened this last year, it's true. People need to clean up their houses a little bit. But they had to clean up their houses. If you're going to go out and then go in the house and talk in your kids about what's going on out there Or you're going to you have to clean up your act at the house If I'm going to come in the house and just go can you believe those BMF guys those motherfuckers You can't say that shit in front of your kid that's what I decided even though I think that I'm not saying the BMF people or Chinese I'm not saying nothing

What I'm trying to say to you is that you know I don't even know what I'm trying to fucking say all I know it's Monday day, December the fucking sixth. And we're just trying to put the motherfucking pieces together here. But it's the truth. I'm just trying to, who knows what I'm trying to do. I'm just trying to be a responsible guy, but I remembered that

the Santa Ria guy said that to me. He goes, you got to clean up your act outside, but most importantly, you got to clean up your act in your house and how you feel behind, what you say behind closed doors. Because I've always been one to feed, you know, I could see when somebody's fucking a hypocrite.

I can see when somebody's talking out of their mouth. And you can tell the people that will tell you whatever you need to see to your face, but behind closed doors they're saying, look at these fucking spicks, taking our jobs at the border. You know, I know a couple people

like that. You're talking, they can't help themselves, but the problem with this country is they're like Mexican okay, the problem why you're a fucking bum is because some Mexican came in that couldn't talk English and he took your job. That's why you're mad at them because they have a

fucking will to live more than you. They have a desire to live more than fucking you. That's why you call them to speak. That's not fucking fair. Say that you're a fucking mutt that doesn't want to do the job, and you don't want to welcome the fucking challenge. You know what I'm saying? That's the fucking truth of the matter here.

So sometimes I look at it that way. I look at it that way. Like, oh, I get it. This cock sucker, you know. But I have a friend that I talked to once a month. I love him. I grew up with him. But he blames all the problems of this world on Spanish people.

I can't have that. I can't have that. That's a fucking cop out in my world. Do you know what I'm saying? That's a cop out. I can't have that. That's thinking that'll fucking ban you forever. Whatever you feel about the fucking Mexicans that are taking your job,

whatever, do you want to really do that job? Look how many jobs we have open right now. You can get a job doing anything. You could up higher now. You could do whatever to fuck you. If you really want to do it, there's a job out there for you. How do I know? I get 2,000 fucking emails a day from ZipRecruiter,

letting me know they got me a job as an inside salesman at some LLC it's fucking crazy out there and the salaries they're paying are fucking crazy why you're sitting there with a college degree not doing anything i don't get it i don't fucking get it even right now they're hiring you with if you were a sharp kid in high school right now you could probably get a job making a hundred grand a year a sharp kid in high school you didn't have to go to college let's say you played the piano in high school and you fucking jumped up and down and you you help put the a v equipment away. You got a hundred thousand job waiting for you. You're smart and a lot of other people

that are fucking out there. They don't even know what fucking audiovisual material is. Yeah, do I. I don't know that that shit. I don't even know if that shit exists today. That's something, right? With technology, I don't think they bring out a screen anymore and a projector. Well, they have different kinds of shit. Yeah, but I don't think, I think

like I went to some guy's house. He was showing me a movie one day. And his fucking screen was the size of, uh, projector. Was the size of a fucking iPhone. And he put it on a table with a book and all of a sudden we're watching a movie on that thing so God knows what the technology is changing, you know what I'm saying? But the main thing I want to talk about was what made my decard this week, that Michigan fucking thing. Oh my God. When they arrested the parents, listen, I know a lot of parents breed the sigh of fucking relief.

That is fucking counterproductive right there. I fucking loved it. The other thing I want to talk to you guys about is Chris Cuomo. fucking they fired the whole Cuomo clan I didn't even know what people were talking about I saw on the internet that they CNN fired Fredo I'm like who's fucking Fredo

what the fuck who's for I kept seeing that did people go after him for that they called Fredo? Yeah because he got pissed about it or something Oh okay yeah Fredos on CNN blah blah blah dog that is listen just get just get this through your head

in the new state of America when they want you they fucking want you you know I'm again I'm not I just listen to what's going on and it makes me fucking laugh. From the minute I got off the fucking plane last August 19th, all I heard was how Cuomo and fucking General Murphy, whatever,

the Governor Murphy fucking put all people back and all the homies and killed them. I'm not laughing about that. I'm laughing about General Murphy that I cracked the stupid joke. You know, I'm like, I don't know who the fuck it was. I don't know who put the own governor. Right, but no, no, no. It was Cuomo and it was, it wasn't. fucking poor Fredo on CNN.

It was it was Governor Cuomo who supposedly brought old people back into old people places and they died from COVID and Murphy. This is what everybody complained about. I don't have time to worry about this shit. I'm sorry if it's true

and to the families, but I don't know. So when I found out about all that stuff, I'm like, I don't know, when they started turning out of them for the sexual allegations, I'm like, you know, here we got an old school situation when they want somebody to fuck out of here. And they're going to get them out no matter what. They're going to find something.

A ticket from 1982. A fucking stewardess who he fucked in the ass. I mean, the guy's got nipple rings. So that tells you he's a fucking freak, right? Governor Cuomo, Chelsea. And then he covered his ass. He's a smart dude. He's a smart predator because he covered his ass.

Chelsea Handler hit on him before fucking Joe Coy. She hit on him. Like during the pandemic. She's like, Governor Cuomo, you're handsome? How about we get together? He's like, no, Chelsea. Oh, my God. He played it off like he don't eat pussy,

but little did we find out two weeks later. He's sending dickpicks and giving our foot rubs and shit. These motherfuck can't allocate. You know, it's always something now. Now they're going after, listen, I'm going to tell you guys something. And this is my opinion. I just tell you my opinion. I was in Hollywood for 23 fucking years.

And I met a lot of con men. I met a lot of bullshit. I met sexual deviance. I met him all. Jeff Garland is a good guy. I woke up yesterday morning to some Yahoo shit about Jeff Garland that the Greenbergs

are getting fucking the Goldbergs, I don't know. The Greenbergs, the Goldbergs my daughter hangs out with a Goldberg. I like her a lot. She's a great kid. She really is. She's a great kid. She comes over once a month. They go swimming. They play softball together.

She's a good kid. But anyway, the Goldberg. on ABC, the show that Callum was on, is getting accused. And I'm not saying anything bad about Callum, just saying that when I looked at the article, I read it just to see if they were going to mention Brian Callan, you know what I'm saying, because they were going to throw them into the fucking stew. But no, it had to do with Jeff Garland

and just that HR had to call him in three times and shit, that he goes on the set, and he said something like, you know, my vagina hurts, and he laughed. that it, you know, and that he's an extreme hugger. What's an extreme hugger? They make him wear tidy wades on the show. Like, that's what he wears.

Do you ever watch? I've watched. I've watched three minutes of time. He comes home and takes his pants right off and he's just got underwear on. And you're like, what the fuck? Yeah. The 80s, people did come home. Take their pants off and jump in the fucking cocaine pool of debt, or they just jumped

in the backyard or whatever the fuck they were doing. Now listen, I know that guy. I knew him. I knew his ex-wife. His ex-wife always took care of me. She was a partner at a casting director firm. So when I would go in there, she would read me, and then we'd talk about her husband, her partner was always a great casting director. I forget what her name is.

Oh, my God, I know her phone number. I don't know her name because we won't. on the phone all the time. This lady that was also friends with Joshua. I told you guys a couple months ago that I did a commercial. One of the best pieces of work I ever fucking did was a commercial for Ever Ready Battery. I got a call one day from this great woman and she goes, can you do a commercial for him? I'm not even going to fucking auditioning you.

She goes, I know you could do it, but it's just whether you want to do it or not. She gave me a shot. Listen to this commercial. guys. Me and some other hump a dragon a fucking dude into the woods and we can't see. So I tell the guy, hold on, dummy.

I go behind the car and I start the car and I put the headlights on and the headlights, we throw the guy on the floor and it gives us an opportunity to dig a hole. Let's pretend it's like a place like Pine Barrens where they took the chick from the Sopranos.

You know, whatever. It's just a wooded area. So we go in this wooded area And we dig we dig a hole long enough And we throw the guy in We cover the hole and we look at each other And we're like hey Somebody put on the radio You know what I'm saying

So when I go to put Sinatra on The car battery's dead And an ad comes up And it says Sears Ever ready battery You know The die hard It would never happen to you

With the die hard I thought the commercial was brilliant I thought the whole Campaign was brilliant was brilliant and I'm like, holy shit, I'm going to be able to buy a car. Like, I was like, I just, I need like a $3,000 car at the time. And she made it possible. She was like, hey, man, if you shoot this, it's a national, blah, blah, blah.

It's a spec commercial. What a spec commercial means is they're going to pay you a little bit of money. The company likes it, but they don't know if they really love it and they just want to do like a test. So they paid me a little money. I didn't get rich. It was like a daily fee. and they didn't pick it up ever ready. Sears didn't pick it up.

I was pissed off, whatever, but it doesn't matter. This girl put me in 20 of those things. So every time I would have to go to her office, I would see Jeff Garland's wife. And I would talk to Jeff Garland's wife, and then one day she's like, fuck it, you don't know Jeff? This is 15 years ago I'm talking about. When I was struggling, she connected me with all this work.

And she's like, you don't know, Jeff. I hook you up with Jeff. And I met Jeff, and Jeff was always a sweetheart. to me at the store the only uh i never really worked at him on the road i worked at them at the store but listen i could i could get a better grip of you i can better i can get a better read on you of who you are at the store than if i see you on the road when we're on the road our heads are in different places you know we want to get the fuck home you know you got fucking blow in your pocket you want to do there's a chick that wants to sniff you're nuts there's always something so you i don't really i never

really connected with people. Like if I, if I was in Houston and there was three comedy clubs and Mikey, I was at the lap stop and Mike was at the last spot. If I got off early, I would take a car over, have one of the other comedians drive me if I liked Mikey. Like if I knew Mike, we knew each other, like we were both from, I don't know, like if me and Mikey both came up at Gotham Comedy Club in the city. but I never got to see him

but I heard from Chris Pizzily the manager that great guy that Mike was a good guy and that I was a good guy and that we think alike or whatever you guys should talk because there's not you know whatever

I would go over and say hello to Mike but I wouldn't hang out with it because I had to go back and do my own cocaine why am I going to share my cocaine with you so I would just meet you and go back but I always knew that that wasn't solid for me to really like get to hang out with you

I'd either have to spend a weekend with you, work with you, or see you at the store. At the store, after you get on stage, you know, where are you going? I'm going to the main room. I'm going to the original room. I'll see you. You don't even say I'll see you outside later. I'll see you later.

And then we stumble on the bar. How was your set? How was your set? They sucked. I sucked. Ba-ba-ba. In all my interaction with Jeff, I never saw nothing negative. The same way I never saw nothing negative with Brian Call and all that shit that happened.

and I saw Brian with chicks that wanted to be there. I didn't see anybody with a chick that had a handcuff on and a fucking noose, and she's like, let me go. I'm getting dragged into the comedy store bed. I didn't see none of that shit. So I don't know what's going on with Greg. I don't even know if that's why they're looking at him for some sexual shit, but it said inappropriate behavior.

What the fuck is inappropriate behavior anymore? what is the threshold of inappropriate fucking behavior? I have no fucking idea and this is why I'm staying out of the fucking mess because I've never showed the big problem with me is what I'm going to say you know, there's somebody who pulled me aside

maybe three weeks ago and she said one of the moms said that you were talking to a husband and you said something a little bit dirty. Yeah, that's what I do. He didn't complain about it. But to some people I know that I might sound a little fucking off from time to time.

That doesn't mean I'm a fucking pervert or I'm looking at, but you just say, I know what I said to. The fucking lady at the park about three months ago, there was a lady, I'm not going to tell you what she did. She was a big woman, like bigger than me. You know, she's such a chick that's like fucking pushing 270,

and she had like tight shorts on it. I looked at my friend, I go, can you imagine what her ass smells like? It was like 90 degree, you know? I grew up on that shit. I would tell her to my brother all the time. That was our, and Mike running, I would always look at him and go, can you imagine whatever ass would smell like, you know, 90 degrees it's humid out, and some chicks

eating a fucking bag of Doritos, and her ass is bigger than mine. You know, you got to crack a joke from time to time. You got to have a good time here. But all in all, listen, guys, I'm 100% better. I feel better. I look better. I was in a rut for a while. I didn't know what I wanted

to do, but eventually between journaling, exercise, walking, interacting with you motherfuckers. I've come to my conclusions of what I want to do and I feel a lot fucking better. It's December 6th. I just want to finish this tapering,

which comes to an end, December, fucking 11th. So we got another week of fucking tapering. I don't even feel it anymore. I'm moving the fuck on. Like I said to you, I'm looking at 2022 to be my breakout year. You're like, Joey, what do you got going? I got nothing going on.

I got a book coming out, and my balls are getting bigger by the day and longer by the day. That's all I got going on, motherfuckers. But I'm still going to rock here. I don't know. We're going to fucking change it up. We're going to add guests in this motherfucker.

We're going to do something. But 2022, I can't tell you how excited I am about it. I can't tell you how excited how quick I want this fucking holiday to be over with. I love the holidays. I can't wait for Christmas to come and we jump up and down and have a good time. But I'm really looking forward to 2022. And I hope you are too. I'm writing goals again.

I'm fucking. You know, making little predictions. The fucking book is fantastic. I tell you, I'm not a writer. I'm just a fucking, I'm a storyteller. And that's what I did. I took all these things. I outlined them at night,

and I tell her the story the next day. Last week, we were on the phone five days writing this book. So we're moving right along. I'm very proud of myself. You know, for months, I thought I was just fucking dying. But little did I know, I was putting NFTs together, getting stronger, fucking sell them, Rifa, selling fucking writing a book and getting healthy. And now with the joining of fucking, you know, BJJ, I added that. But I got to tell you one other thing that really fucking helped me put it together.

And that was better help. Better help is online therapy. It wants you to know the truth to some stigmas around mental. mental health. If anybody had a stigma about mental health, it was your motherfucking Uncle Joey, guys. I didn't know what the fuck was going on with me, and I always thought that I never really could talk to somebody. But I got into a fucking bind, I got into a pickle. And a couple people suggested I talk to therapy. I was like, I don't know. I don't fucking know. Because right as soon as you say therapy, people think you're fucking crazy. But therapy doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It just means that you recognize

that we're all fucking human and we all got emotions and we need to learn to control them and how to fuck and not avoid them. Therapy's a tool to utilize before things get worse. I didn't even know about that. Now I love it. If I would have known how much I needed therapy, I would have gone through therapy when I was doing comedy full time. It would have made it a lot easier.

Don't wait until they're unbearable. Better help is custom-line online therapy. They offer video phone and chat sessions with your therapy. You know, if you don't want to see anybody on camera list, I don't blame you. You don't have to. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy, and you can start communicating with your therapist in 48 hours. Give it a try to see why over 2 million people have used BetterHelp,

including your uncle, motherfucking Joey. All right? I worked to the lately, Dana, and it was phenomenal. So do me a favor. Go to have betterhelp.com slash Diaz. That's betterhelp.com slash Diaz Take control of your life

and get the help you deserve. Better help. I do my session every Monday 45 minutes. You're in and out of there. I write down what's going on with me during the week what fucking things I got

that I'm thinking about too much and I just put on a piece of paper when she comes on the screen. I tell her what my fucking problems are and there goes the fucking week. I feel a lot better. I've been doing it for about six months and I can feel the change.

I took a big fucking weight off my shoulders. You know what I'm saying? I also went to a goddamn N.A. meeting last week. It was fucking phenomenal. Will I go back? I don't know. I feel like a hypocrite.

I still smoked up. I don't belong in there. But it's a fucking, it's a wonder drug marijuana. You know what I'm saying? So I can't. If you're doing marijuana, you really can't go in there.

It's hypocritical. Yeah, I'm smoking. going to join a day and hitting a couple fucking things on my little ABX fucking tremendous filter that they gave me. I like it. I like it. It's nice. It's smooth.

Very fucking nice. And I'll do this for a couple weeks, see if it affects my breathing at the gym or whatever because that's what happened last time I smoked vapors. I felt that it would affect me. I was breathing differently. And you know what? Right now I'm trying to fucking, uh, I'm sorry people. Right now I'm trying to.

But hey, listen, at least we smoked a little. vapor pen. We'll graduate. You never know. I might pop into a fucking, you know, I might have to do a little thuts-o-s-o-lut. I was just asking Mike about his holiday schedule. If the girls go away, there'll be a couple podcasts

during the holidays and towards the New Year's and they could fucking do a little something. We could fucking hit you with look at this monster, a fucking freeze pipe. I love this cock-sucker. I haven't even tried this yet. I've been messing around with the bubbler because this is a fucking monster.

I'm going to save this for a special occasion because I love all this shit. And that's it and that's that, guys. I hope you had a fun, Phil fucking Monday. I hope we covered some fucking thing. Listen, guys, I'm just trying to get healthy and have some motherfucking fun with you guys and crack some jokes on a Monday morning

and make you a week a lot easier. Check in with you. Let you know I'm still slinging dick and I'm still alive and kicking. I don't give a fuck about what's going on in the world. The party don't start. The Uncle Joey fucking gets their. Sadly on Twitter, I tweeted out,

nice get the party started for you with a fucking laughing gas, that fucking runtweed and some fucking, and some of these edibles, some ABX, the 80, I'm going to hold off on the ABX capsules till after tapering. How's that for you, motherfuckers?

I'm going to be a good boy this week. I got a couple fucking oils and shit like that. I can substitute to help me sleep. Do you know that last night, two nights ago, night I went to bed at one in the morning. I went to bed like 10 to 1 after the UFC. Do you know I fuck this?

My wife woke me up at 10 o'clock in the goddamn morning. Not to piss, not to do nothing. No sleeping pills, no nothing. My little kikamo tea, I hit the fucking syringe with like maybe, 200 milligrams. You know what I'm saying? I'm keeping a lot. But I did get some kikamo, uh,

The mints that they have, they don't do nothing to them. They're two milligrams of THC. You need to eat 50,000 of those things. But they got like five milligrams of CBN. So I don't eat them for the THC. I just put a handful in my mouth for the CBN. Holy fuck! The last two, Friday night, when I woke up Saturday morning,

I didn't know where I was. I was like, I woke up underneath pillows and shit. You ever get your head on the pillows? When you wake up, you got to throw pillows. My arm got caught on the sleep apnea hose. I'm like, what the fuck is this? I looked around. I couldn't tell what time it was.

It was like $7.50 in the fucking morning. I'm like, holy shit. I slept hard last night. I'm getting a whole new education on sleep. Those CBD gummy melatonin, they knock you the fuck out too. I went to the health food store on Route 9 yesterday, and that motherfucker gave me a few edibles.

And he was telling me, to come back that he's getting them on Monday. This heavy duty CBN, he goes, dog, as soon as I get them, they leave. He goes, people come in and buy them. He goes, I got to call 10 people. So he goes, I'll give you a call Monday when they're coming out. I'll hold a container for you. He goes, they're just CBD.

He goes, heavy CBN, heavy melatonin. And he goes, people are begging for them. For me, I got to take the, like I went back on the NyQuil last night. I did a shot of NyQuil. Not NyQuil, but the other one. they have now. Nah, it's not that, you know, that other shit worked. Benadryl, I ate those things like,

I wouldn't even sneeze. I haven't, that was the first time I sneezed. That's the first time my nose was congested in like a month, because for a month, I'm hitting fucking 75 milligrams of Benadryl at night for nappy nunu time. After you smoke a joint? Yeah, yeah, no, it's fucking good. I'm taking care of myself, guys. You know, this has been a great adventure moving here, but

I love that term, being a good friend to yourself and taking care of yourself. I find myself doing fucking yoga like I do a burdo crane, put a roll up there. He calls him tactical fitness flows. They're three minutes. I come back here because you have to do

them on the floor. I put knee pads on like a professional cock sucker. I do a bunch of little yoga techniques and then I just do all these stretches to stretch out. You know, all the stuff he does is like a lighter side of yoga, there's still front poses and you got to keep your hands up and your hip straight and look. But you know what, man, it warms me up. I'm getting old and I like doing them.

I had two jujitsu last week and three sessions at the gym. Two sessions were a half hour. One session was an hour. I rode the bike last week. I walk last week. I'll tell you, I'm getting old, but I'm feeling good. So thank you for all the support to you guys give me. Thank you for the compliments.

Listen, I'm looking healthier, but I'm getting older by the day. I see pictures of me, and I go, ooh, I'm getting fucking old. You know what I'm saying? I feel great. My heart's in great shape. My attitude's great, and it's all part to you guys for having my back this year. So I love you, motherfuckers, with all my heart. Have a great fucking Monday.

Stay black. I hope you enjoy it our little te-ta-ta-day today. I did. I'm happy. I'm set to go. I feel good. and I feel confident that we had this talk and I'll set you out into the world

on a fucking Monday morning and guess what? They all gotta suck your dick. Stay black. I love your cock suckers. Have a great Monday. Tuesday. I'll be back Wednesday

and that's it you motherfuckers and now for a word from our sponsors Jack. What's happened? You bad motherfuckers, thank you very much for listening to the joint today. I was all over the place

but I don't give a fuck. I'm just happy to be feeling better. We're going to put this motherfucker fucking together. But anyway, the joiner is brought to you by FreezePipe. If you got someone on your holiday list that likes to smoke reefer and see the devil, freezepipe.com is for you. I love my freeze pipe. I go with the bubbler. It's a little smaller. Nobody knows nothing. I hide it behind some pictures. But listen, smoking weed doesn't have to hurt your lungs. With freeze pipe, you get a nice cold hit every goddamn time. And here's how it works. The pipe comes with a

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With all my heart, stay black. Have a good week, and we'll see you, motherfuckers Wednesday, the eighth tip-top Magoo. Stay black.