The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 12/18/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #136

Episode Date: December 18, 2013

Comedian Tony Hinchcliffe joins Joey and Lee in studio This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Recorded live on 12/18/2013.

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Oh shit. Oh shit. It's that motherfucking time. Respect, bitches. That's what time is motherfuckers. December 19th. 18th. My buddy's fucking birthday.

Today's 30 years of the day I robbed Stacey Corrini's house. How's that one for you? That's how we're starting this fucking pie. 19-70 something. What? I was in. Well, Tangay and Hennessy until they call, Earl, what? The church of what's happening now, motherfucker, respect. Wait, what's the story?

The edible's already kicking in, so you've about 10 minutes left. Why are you crying already? I'm not crying. We just started the fucking show. Don't worry about the edibles. Let them flow. Let it flow through your fucking chakras. You know what I'm saying?

Some people go to yoga to activate their chakras. I'm activating your chakras right fucking here. That's how I roll. You know what I'm talking about? and I hope everybody at home is activating their fucking chakras because that's how we do it here. What's up, Lisa? What did you do all weekend without your uncle Joey?

Nothing. I've fucking dealt with unemployment for the past two days, which is a fucking... That's a fucking nightmare, right? You know what they do? You know what the purpose of that is? What? So eventually you go, fuck it! I'm going to get a job.

I don't need to deal with this shit, and I'm going to. It's your money. Is it not your fucking money? It is. And you believe they fuck with your fucking paper? Because they take out 30%, because I know it's been a while.

It's like I've worked in an office for two and a half years. They take out 30%. So that means three months out of the... Four months out of the year, you're working for the government. And it's fucking... I went to a work office, like a work placement office in Van Nuys yesterday

because I thought people online said it was a better way to get through to them or whatever. There was a ton of people on there on computers, and I never realized... Because in entertainment, like, it's not that hard to get a job. Like, the job market's pretty okay. The rest of the fucking workplace,

it's fucking tough. It's tough out there for a bitch. Even holes are running clearance. And it took me five hours because they're only open from 8 to noon. There's fucking hookers on Groupon. What's that tell you? What's the deal? I think 160, you got like 92 fucking hand jobs.

It's got to about $3 and $33 a hand job. You can't beat that with a fucking state. It's a good deal. But, I mean, I don't know why then I'll just make people on unemployment call, like be in the call center. Because what they do is, at least in California, they don't put you on hold. you have to call back and back and back I called probably Oh they'll tell you

Thank you for getting through Thank you go fuck yourself Yeah I'll tell you a friendly go fuck yourself You're on the line eight fucking minutes So it took me eight minutes You're telling me to go fuck myself You're gonna tell me to go fuck myself off this thing They put you on hold

Then they milk you Then they come up and they go Hold on three more minutes Then you hold on It's not even like a real Chinese lady It's like some fucking white computer or something like that Then they come back

And they're like oh guess what Today ain't your lucky day Bye and they just fucking hang up on you Yeah It's uh you know it's amazing what's going on with people and I gotta tell you something the worst people in the like customer service is everything to me I grew up on customer service because I saw the results from it my mother had a bar she was a Spanish woman in 1950 who ran a bar in an Irish neighborhood

they hated fucking Spicks do you understand me they hated fucking Spicks that's why they made West Side Story it didn't matter were you a Puerto Rican Cuban you ever see like an Arab person and you call them like Persian they say I'm not Persian I'm over in your world like Chinese, Japanese, Korean, the Spanish people in New York, they're chinos. Fucking Puerto Ricans, Cubans, Dominicans, the white Irish, Italian, with Spicks.

There's no way to fucking chop it, you know? Yeah. But it's so funny how my mother went in there every fucking day of this job, and it was always, she always cooked a free lunch. What's it cost you to make fucking Kanne with Papa and white rice and black beans?

What's it going to cost you? Even to feed 20 people. It costs you $25 bucks in those days. she would serve it up for lunch you know what that's customer service there's no more custom service that's what the corporations are about they block our customer service nobody takes responsibility for what's going on when you call because you lose your luggage

they give it to somebody else and they give it to somebody else example now you know what I could dope up this fucking story for you people but I'm not going to dope it up because this is a church of what's happening now the church don't have no fucking color but we'll talk it like this okay Friday I'm supposed to be in Nashville All right. Tony Hinskiff is in the house. He's right here winking at me.

He'll come in for a couple minutes here. I'm supposed to go to fucking Nashville. So what do you think I do? There's an 11 o'clock direct flight from L.A.X. to Nashville. Money. You can bet your mother's asshole on it. It's on every fucking Friday, Thursday. And on the way back, there's a 7 a.m. flight from Nashville direct.

Because if not, you've got to wait till 6 o'clock. It only goes November 21st or April. That's how intent I am about direct flights. But what did I do? The flight was 11 to 5. What did I do? he switched his flight to get into Nashville earlier so I wouldn't make the club owner's sweat

so I took a flight out at 545 you know what time you gotta leave your house 3.45 you gotta be that 4 foot I got the you don't mean I got a heavy foot I got the LAX in 22 minutes I was in fucking 3 right by the elevator because that's what I like to go early to get it over I get to fucking Chicago I'm buzzing

I'm fucking high as fuck on a Cheebochu two Gumi Bears and some fucking half a pretzel no gluten I'm sitting in the fucking little Puerto Rican plane, you know, the one with one seat on this side and two on this side. I'm in three fucking A. I'm by myself, stone to the fuck.

I'm praying that the seatbelt fits. That's how high I am on the anxiety. I'm praying that the seatbelt fits. They're from 1950. People weren't that fucking fat. It's fit. I'm sitting there finally go, guess what? Boom.

D bored. Oh, you're on the plane? On the fucking plane? At least I didn't take us out to Puerto Rico, out to the middle and leave you there. You got to piss and shit out in the fucking out in the ramp with no air condition. That's a different fucking story.

They deborted us, which is cool. As soon as we hit the thing, they go, wait right there. They'll tell you the details. Boom, within two minutes, they cancel the flight. People are losing their mind. Me, I know I get on at 2 o'clock. 2 o'clock is sold down. 4 o'clock is sold out.

She goes, what time do I need to get to Nashville by? I need to get that by 9.30. She goes, it ain't going to happen. I go, when's my next flight? She goes, you can leave at 7.30 in the morning. So I'm going to miss Friday night in Nashville. I go, what are you going to do? That's it.

They're snowing. They're 10 inches of fucking snow. What am I going to do? I go, what am I going to do? She goes, we're going to put you in a hotel. They put me in like a nice hotel. We're going to pay for your meals. $12.

They give you per die for your meals. You have to pay for the rest. And the cab, the whole fucking deal. I go, let me ask you this. Where's my luggage? She goes, we'll ship it right downstairs to you. I go right. Fuck it.

I'll wait. I go downstairs. Two hours. I don't get my luggage. Two hours? Two hours. I go to this black woman. There's a,

black vets on the phone with her fucking whatever her aunt or other fat fucking cousin. Yeah, hold on. What can I do for you? How can you look at this? This in my leg is supposed to come. She hit two buttons on the computer. She was, I got to call you back. And the whole time, like,

I'm bothering her fuck. She's the manager at the desk. Everybody else got white shirts on. She's got the blue vest out. Black one. I don't hate black people. I love black people. But this is a fucking black people. I fucking hate. She calls downstairs. She calls one of her cousins downstairs. Joe lazy.

And she goes, you got this suitcase downstairs? Uh-uh. She's like, okay, she just hangs up the phone and says, we ain't got your luggage. I said,

no, no, no, no, this is what happened. I broke it down. I go, you got to find this fucking luggage because I got a room here and I got my diabetes pills and I got diabetes,

but that's what you tell them. Oh, yeah. Because I put some of the fucking spill. Even if you're skinny like Tony Hinchcliffe, you always drop diabetes. Sleep apnea and make some nervous. Diabetes fucks their world up.

I got diabetes. I'm starting to taste my tongues. You know what I'm about to swallow me. my fucking tongue. So she tells me no. I go upstairs to the lady and I go, they got no luggage.

I might as well leave. They put me on a 6 o'clock to motherfucking L.A.X. You were coming back? I'm coming back. I might as well go to a jih Tzu party and come back. Fuck Nashville.

Fuck the Premier. I got no luggage. Go upstairs, book a flight for fucking California. The lady goes, where's your luggage? I have no idea. She goes, your luggage is downstairs and been number four.

I go downstairs. Sorry about the long story. Let me just tell you what America goes through every day. This is what America goes through. I go downstairs again. I give the later thing I go it's been number four She goes no, it's not don't tell me my job I go lady. They just sent me from downstairs She goes you want me to call that man downstairs again and bother him? I go yes, you do Calls down at least not again on the computer and I go You your luggage is in Nashville

It went to Nashville so I go upstairs Guess what? On the way up the other man I go Let me just look. I look from the fucking thing, and there's my blue suitcase. Perfect. That's the one I got the refron it. How did you see it? Because I got fucking eyes.

I used to see coprocks under the carpet leash. I see the belt number nine that has that type of luggage, return luggage. And I see it, boom. So that has my socks, my sneakers, my jeans, my T-shirt. At least I can get on stage. We say, get on stage. And I have the breathing mask. At least I can get on stage.

The other one have my suit, my shoes. I don't need that. until Monday at 5 o'clock. Oh, okay. So I went upstairs, changed my flight, went downstairs. But if I hadn't to look, I would have came home that day. Fuck. And this is what I say, that the corporate America, I just don't, it doesn't fit into my

fucking world. It doesn't fit because nobody could take responsibility. Who was I going to yell? That black woman, she was going to tell me that Leroy Brown downstairs didn't see it. Then he would have said something. Then she, you understand me, so it wasn't going to fucking work anyway. So, but that's what we deal with on the daily. fucking basis. And listen, like, my wife

was like, I feel bad for you. I go, no, no, no, no. I fly 40 weeks a year. This is bound to happen. If you're throwing up spaghetti against the wall, it's going to happen. Yeah, you call me. Didn't even sound that upset. No, I wasn't upset because I understood. First off, I had two Cheebo shoes on my briefcase. I had a fucking iPod, and I got

a fucking ATM car with money on it. I'll go to a bar, sit there, shrink cocktails through the fucking flight happens. You understand me? That's the fucking advantages when you're a comic. Now, I remember a time when I would sit in an airport and pray to God my flight was packed so I would get a free voucher. I could sit at an airport all day and free vouchers.

One time in Texas I sat there, three flights, three vouchers I sat there with no weed. I would go out in between and smoke weed outside and hit 20 cigarettes and come back in front of security. That was the old days. I remember a time when I went to do analyze that. When I came back, they lost my luggage and in Denver and whether people want to believe me or not. I went behind the counter and stole a pack of cigarettes because I didn't have a dollar on me. And I went into the bathroom, like, I didn't care,

and smoked three fucking cigarettes, and I even ate the filter, because that's when I used to smoke. That's when I used to fucking smoke. I needed cigarettes every minute. And, dog, I've been broke at fucking airports. I know what it is to be an airport with no money for 12 hours, shoplifting.

You know, it's like the shoplifted at a fucking airport, shoplift fucking sandwiches, old turkey sandwiches. I've done that. Years ago, I got, I was fleeing San Francisco, 20 years ago, 1985, on a fucking burglary case. And I was stuck at the airport for three days, and I got my Western Union. Fuck.

Three fucking days I was taking Puerto Rican showers in the sink next to fucking Fagg. They didn't close it, because they closed LX now, right? And in those days, Fagg used to hang out of the airport in San Francisco. Really? They would hang out of the air. Because in those days, they let you go through a security line. They didn't give a fuck.

Who are you here to pick up? Tony Hinchgood. My brother's coming on the next flight from Chicago. Okay. And you go to the bar. Oh, you could go all the way to the gate. you go away to the gate nowadays. So Fags would say, fuck it, we're going to perpetuate,

and we're going to catch you right when you come into San Francisco. We're going to put that bird on your shoulder just to let you know you get your dick sucked and your balls lick like big of you in 85. I remember being at the airport in 85 being stuck there and peeing. Every time I went to pee, a guy would get next to me. Like, every time you walk into the bathroom, you take your dick out and go to pee, a guy would get next to you. And finally, I realized it was the same fucking guy.

I'm like, what the fuck? He would hide in the other things. And he'd get it. next to you and look at your dick what's that one for you fags at the airport there's no respect left Tony Hitchcliff what's in the motherfucking house I love watching you talk man you're such a bad motherfucker Joe Diaz I'm so excited to be hanging out with you I'm just you 20 years ago really I get the feeling you're right what this is this is all this is this is just sticking with you know I wanted to bring you

I want to talk about bookmaking, but that's irrelevant to what we have in common and all the people and comedy and the stories and your growth and what's going on in your world and what you see. You know, what you're saying now, you're a young comic. Shit's cooking for you for two years, you know? And it's so weird that now you're defining years because in three years you're going to have to decide what happens. It slows down a little bit. You're like, what the fuck? The other was sitting with my wife watching somebody and she asked me about a comic if I had seen him. And I go, no, I haven't seen them anymore.

And she goes, you know, 10 years ago, he was the next big thing. And I go, yeah, he got married and had a kid and moved north, and that was it. And it's amazing that I stayed because I had nowhere else to go. I had no money to go nowhere. And by staying, I did spots and you get fun here. Yeah. Because that's all, you know, I just heard that in the thing that you were going to do for Comedy Central, I'm sorry to bring it up, but you're going to get other chances.

Yeah. These are all growing pains. Right. We'll talk about it, but I heard that out of all the comics. You know who destroyed the show, right? You know who had the best set of the night. Who? Did you hear?

Jimmy Schubert. Oh, wow. Now, you think about a guy like Jimmy Schubert. Jimmy Schubert's been here since Kenneson. He wrote the bicycle and got him off there, the motorcycle broke his leg, New Kennison. He was in the movie Go. He was hot with movies for a while,

and then you haven't heard much from whatever the last three years. This is a point I've been talking about for the last year on this podcast, the trends we have in this country for comedy and what comics we go see oh my god he's so funny but guess what david tell didn't stop getting funny or four years ago right when you bought that last ticket and wendy leibman is still a fucking powerhouse and jimmy schubert still travels every weekend he's at the store hustling so when they told me jimmy schubert stole the show it didn't surprise me right it might surprise other people he's an old man guess what that guy bangs it out every fucking weekend and when you band that places he's been he's banged that he's uh he's one of those guys

that uh he's highly respected amongst comedians i mean he always just brings in energy and all that so yeah definitely it's interesting how uh you know the with when you mix different people in like it's no surprise at all that schubert would kill he's one he's an old school cold-blooded assassin that's fun it's amazing when you stick with something for that long i mean lees and editor by Tray, how much better will you be in 15 years in another? What takes you two hours to do now is going to take you 20 minutes. Yeah.

And you're going to see the game as you walk in. You're going to go and make the cut there, there, there, bring this back, put lighting there. And it's so weird, the same thing happens with common. I stress it on the podcast, people at home going, but Joey, I'm not a fucking comedian. Yeah, but maybe you're a fucking bricklayer. And the same applies for you. You're only going to become a better

fucking bricklayer. You know, you're only going to become a better fucking computer analyst. You can only, if that's what you want to be, if that's what you want to fucking be. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You don't think your guys as similar backgrounds, had anything to do with how you guys turned out?

Who's that? You and Tony? No, not at all. Really? You don't think that, like, having to figure things out, like, really noticed that you had a different background. Like, don't you feel like you had to grow faster in, with your brain? You know what I mean?

Like, as far as learning lessons and all that stuff. and being able to have the confidence that your opinion counts, you know, sort of? Well, I understand where you're coming from. We were raised in a home where our mother was everything, you know, and our mother not only was our father, but they had the balls of our father. So I understand where you're coming from. I understand the ability to have the respect to be able to speak my opinions to what I saw. But there was another problem I had grown up.

I was very insecure about what the things that I had saw. That's why it took me so long to talk about them. I mean, the podcast forum started three years ago. So that means at the age of 46, basically, is when I started talking about my life. That means shame on me. But that's how embarrassed I was about my mother was. I always had two lives. I had the life outside my house and the life inside my house.

And I was 10 of my friends would be talking about blow. I knew what they were talking about. I was 10 years ahead of them. I had already seen it. I knew how to cut it. I knew what it was cut with. I knew what process. I knew what they called on the street.

I knew what a handoff looked like. I knew when it was good Coke. I knew when it was bad coat. Just from the lingo at the house, is that an embarrassing thing to tell your friends? You know, I'm trying to write a book right now. And my mom died a week before she died. She told me all she wanted from me was to be a man.

So I'm writing the stories that made me a man, you know. And one of the chapters that doesn't belong in the book, but I have to put in there is the relationship I had to drugs. The relationship I had to numbers and that. I couldn't talk about that with my friends. I came from my house when my mother did this. The three monkeys. That was my fucking, those were all over the house.

What you see in this house, stays in this house. Right. You don't discuss it outside of this house. Nobody needs to know your fucking business. So when I went out, I kept it light. I know how to keep it light. And where's your parents? Do all they work at a bar?

They own a bar in Union City. Never did nobody know nothing until 30 years after she died that my mother did. It was very embarrassing for me. Then when I moved to a jury, Jersey, I knew other parents that did things. And I would go to their homes and they would look at me and they knew that I knew. They hit it from their kids, but they knew I knew. They would come to my mom's bar and I'd see him and my mom would go, he's okay.

So I would be hanging out with you, Lee, and I knew that your dad would come to my mom's bar and fuck my dad and my mom's waitress. And I would have to hang out with you. Right. I knew that your dad would come to my mom's bar and snorke with my mom. And I couldn't say it to you. And I would never say it to nobody. That's how I was raised.

I would never say it to nobody. I knew that your mom did numbers and your dad did numbers, but I knew at the end of the night, your dad came in and fucked a waitress. Even though I loved your mom and your dad, I couldn't tell you what I saw at the bar. My mom came first. She would stab me, and she would tell me,

whatever he does, nobody knows nothing, and that was it. I did that thing with Ari that this is not happening. And that really is my house. When Juan shot that guy in the leg, I was eight years old. We didn't go home and he was like, well, I shot him because he was a bad person. We went home, went to bed, and I went to the next morning thinking about asking him, did you really have to shoot him and going, you know what? I know my house.

I'm not even supposed to be asking this. In my world, I wasn't even supposed to see him shoot it. That's how I was raised. I wasn't even supposed to see him shoot that. dude. When he beat that dude up, I wasn't supposed to see it. Did you make any mistakes? Because I'm just like, I didn't grow up in a house like that, so I can't,

as a kid, you're like, you want to talk about everything. So I wouldn't, I would think that'd be something you'd want to talk about. Like, did you ever, like, when you were six, like, tell somebody and then your mom got pissed off? No. Like, you never even made one mistake of with it? No. I made one. Well, I didn't really, I didn't really mess up too bad

as far as leaking information, but it ended up getting leaked because of something I did. Like, I just remember I think it was like fourth or fifth grade there was the Spanish teacher named Mr. Gilmartin but he wasn't even you know he wasn't Spanish he was just this doofy it's just this doofy white dude I get over here

smoke that reefer that fucking Cheeba Chu I'm sorry Mr. Gilmartin drop and uh I'm on a run I'm cracking everybody up like class is about to start and he's trying to get everybody's attention but I'm on a run about getting it was a joke about I don't I can't remember exactly but it's about getting molested and I'm like

Ab-de-bah-de-bah, and he's like, all right, class is starting. But I had one more joke that I just thought of, I even got molested by you. Because I was talking about getting molested by whoever, and then I'm like, I even got molested by my dad. And this teacher hated me, but it was like everybody's cracking up. Like, it was blatantly like I was just killing. I was doing stand-up, and that was my thing, is I would just try to make people laugh as hard as I could right before class got started.

So I was like, you know, whatever, like a minute and a half before that second bell would ring. Anyway. So I'm like, yeah, my mom. And he goes, what was that? Because he always hated me. So he was always looking for something to mess with me to really be able to, because I'm always, you know, I was a goof. I wasn't like physically, like I wouldn't get in fights and stuff.

Well, I actually, you know, I wouldn't. But anyway. But he goes, you know what? You're going to be in trouble for that one. And he said that, you know, he went through a thing where he had to call children's services, even though he knew. I mean, it was blatantly a joke. He goes, I'm going to have to call children's services on your father because by rule,

any even jokes about being molested I have to call. Well, that was a big mistake. He made a really big mistake. And immediately, like, I remember my mom finding out just being like, oh, no, this isn't going to be good. You know, my father's so disrespected at the thought of even anybody ever, ever. So he's not meant of me.

He knows I'm doing comedy. My mom knows I was doing comedy. It's just who I was. I was known for that. It would get me in trouble a lot. But blatantly a joke. And he knew. But he didn't know the caliber.

He didn't realize because I have a different last name as my dad. And so it was like a, I don't know how much you know, but like I was like the secret. I lived a few blocks away from him. He had his household with his wife and his kids. And then my mom was his girlfriend for 16 years. Holy shit. Just a few blocks away. Oh.

My mom had already raised four kids. My closest sibling to me is my brother who's 12 years older than me. Then it's 14, 16, and 18 years older than me. Anyway, but that's from a different father. So my mom and dad were hooking up. So I was a secret, and I took my mom's last name, Hinchcliff. But obviously, you know, my dad had something to do with the first name. You know, Tony.

Tony Hinchcliffe's an English last name. And Tony's, you know. You know what Tony is. It's hysterical. You fucked up. You said something like... Mr. Gilmartin wasn't there the next day. No.

He never came back. I saw him stacking cantalopes at a grocery store a month later. We're wearing an apron in the produce section. Stacking cantaloupes. We made eye contact. I gave him like one of those evil smiles. Like, you fucked up. Because he was always mean to me.

That's the other part of the thing. He was always a dick. So he was waiting for a chance to mess with me. But he made a wrong decision. He thought he was going to call some doof-ball accountant. You know, who do-bo-d-d-bo-do-bo. Well, no, I wouldn't lost me. But no, instead of anybody got this.

What's the name of the teacher? What's his name? It's fucking crazy. I never saw anything crazy like, you know. I never saw anything. But I just knew of the, you know, I saw how people would react. Yes. This is a very, very serious situation.

It's weird. It really is a weird thing. It helped me in a lot of ways. I see my wife sometimes when she talks to people. It fucking cringes me because she gives too much information. But she gives as much information as the regular American. Yeah. I wasn't raised that way.

I don't know nothing. What are you doing the money? Very vague. What time? I have no idea. It's always very vague. I don't know. I really don't know.

And I don't want to know. Well, it's your catchphrase. It's what's with the questions. Yeah. Yeah. My wife is getting a babysitter and she goes, you know, I need this because my husband's cat. And I go, ah, you don't have to say nothing. Yeah, but shit.

No, you don't have to tell people nothing. I hate those people. I have to say something out loud in Hollywood about Hollywood. And my wife isn't one of those people, but she doesn't know. Don't say that. Just go, I need to borrow babysit. They don't need to know the reason why. Nobody needs to know your fucking business.

I get that from growing up in that house. Oh, yeah. You know not to. I get that on Saturdays. I used to make $60, $70, $70 running numbers. All I had to do was go from different stop to different stop walking. Like a regular dumb kid that you see on the street bouncing the ball. I would bounce that ball, but I'd go into spots and get an envelope and put it in my ball sack

and then go outside with the ball again like a retired with a GI Joe and go to another one and get it. And they would never suspect when I walk into the building. Do you think I could tell my friends that in New York City, the white kids I was growing up with in the second grade? Well, you couldn't, but I'm surprised you never made a mistake. No, I just knew the way my mom used to look at me and what happened Nothing nothing I don't give a fuck you don't have to say that and then I used to see her in action I used to see her in action the biggest thing that blew my mind was People would come in looking for Sophia Cecilia

Her name was De Nora so here I was a little boy and I go no no Sophia Cecilia The same thing you and I have that common gina and my people would call the house she You ran everything on the phone. I'm sorry to cut you off. No, that's the truth. That's how bad that is. You're the only person that I know that I've ever known in person that I've ever talked with this about as a human being. I've talked about it on a couple of podcasts.

To know that your mother has a fucking alias. Yep. You can't ask why. No, yeah. And when I was a little kid, so they used to call the house all the time. And I can talk about this now because she's way out of it. You know, they crack down on all this in the mid-90s. It's Youngstown, Ohio.

The first thing that pops up on Wikipedia, you know, it's like, Mafia. run but the FBI clinched in on it because they were the middle capital it's the it's the gambling capital yeah Ohio people are the amateurs put money bets in Vegas the amateurs do stock brokers I think they're cool and people think they're cool they're the ones that go run you're got a account in Vegas good keep your account in Vegas because the money in this country is betting Ohio Michigan Alabama that country right there go on wikpedia and see what universe Alabama University of Arkansas, University of Texas. Look at what all those colleges fucking bring in a year.

Yeah. And see what the percentage is from football. And see what those people are donating money, what they're betting on football. When people donate $100,000 to a college on a yearly situation, it's because you got fucking bank. Well, do you hear what they offered Nick Saven? Oh, please. They offered them $10 million a year over 10 years. What do you get that from?

And 1% of the TV network. And he turned it down. 1%. You know what they get? Get $200 million. $200 million fucking dollars those colleges make. You know, and that's part of our country that, you know, nobody has tapped it either.

So you give me a scholarship to your school, which you make millions of dollars off me. That's bullshit. The sports betting was the other one. My mom ran numbers and took care of the sports betting. And so, yes, when I was a little kid, you know how when you're a little kid in the phone rings, you get excited, so sometimes you'll answer it.

Like, hello, and like maybe your mom's not around. maybe she should for there was a i remember like maybe i don't know five 10 15 times before i ever told my mom like hey there's these people they keep calling here you know i pick up they go is gina there jina available gina i'd go so sorry no gina here and i'd hang up the phone i thought i was being a polite little kid except her a few times i remember i go up to my mom and i'm like hey mom mom people keep calling here looking for jina she goes what the fuck you made people she she realized immediately How many people?

We weren't sports people. My mother was strictly numbers. And Numbers has a different set of times. The numbers bank is completely different. The numbers bank opens at 10 and it goes off at 3. 3 o'clock, that's it. You're shut. By 4 o'clock, we were done for the day.

Done, money in the bank. Money moved. It's a different system. You take it off to yesterday when I got on the... Yesterday I was in... Yesterday morning I was in Newark at the airport. And I went and I fucking bought a Daily News. for a dollar and the first thing I do is go to the horse track section to look what the

fucking number is because I did that all my life when did they draw the numbers on that east coast they still do numbers on these coast no I mean like when did they pick the they don't pick them it's the track handle so it's the last three numbers of either Belmont aqueduct or Yonkers race or they don't have a lottery anymore no no they have a lottery they have a pick three pick four right that that's what you know the numbers system my mother was in to numbers. What numbers are, the last three numbers are the total mutual of the track.

So at the end of the day, if the track makes $400,650, the number is $650. That's the number for the day. Some banks let you do the New York number, which is a different number, but we worked off the Brooklyn number, which is Belmont, Aqueduct, or Yonkers. If it's

Yonkers, it's a late fucking number. What a lot of people don't know is that was, we knew people were making $25,000 a day off numbers when I was a kid. So let's say I wanted to bet on it and it was $6.50. I bet $6.50 today and I would win tomorrow. Like I would win... By 3 o'clock.

Okay. So you come in here, I'd have a bodega. Okay. I'd have a bodega. Yeah. Sotas, bread, milk, cheese. You come in and a string with books with these magazines. Some fucking guy made at his house.

and it's called the Book of Dreams Okay And some guy comes in He goes last night I had a dream But I got hit by a green car You take the book of dreams down You open it up Green car is number three

I got hit by it is number 27 So you bet 327 I'm just saying some people Bet it off the last three numbers Of their mother's fucking Social Security Some people banged the last three numbers Of the grave site Whatever you want to see

If I go to niche If I see Hinchcliffe, I go, Hinchcliffe, what's going on in your world? You're like, nothing, dog, it's been a rough fucking week. What's the story? I'm not going to my pocket. I give Hinchcliff a number. If Hinchcliffe is real, if I give Hinchcliff a $100 bill, first thing he's going to do is going to look at those three numbers.

Go straight to the book. He's going to go straight to the bar, get a beer and give the guy on the corner that sits at the stool all day. $3.000. Go give me $3.77. Okay, so, look, let's say you bet a dollar. How much would you get back? $500 at 3 o'clock in the afternoon. And enough people would do it that you wouldn't,

lose your money? All fucking day. All day, people do it. All day. The same people, too. Ran a bank. So my mother was the bank. So you went to my mother and said, listen, I got no money. And my mother would say, all right, every day, go out and hustle numbers and get 50% of the fucking bank. So you

would be on unemployment, and you would go to a bar every day. You'd sit there from fucking 9.30 to 3, and you drink, and people come in and go, hey, nothing. What's going on with you? Nothing. I hear, waiting for the number. Oh, you take a number? Yeah. In those days, it was part of the economy. It was part your world. Here's $2 on 604.

It's $5 on $604. And with my mom's thing in Ohio in Youngstown, how it worked was she would get whatever the pick three, the lottery when it pops up the tunnels. Between Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy, at 730. That's how it goes up there, the Ohio lottery. And the PA lottery takes

place like just before that. So the PA would pop up at the bottom and the Ohio's being drawn at the time. And she would do both. Those were the two systems. So in that In that area, what it is is Ohio and PA straight or boxed. You could bet on it being straight, like 516 is your number and you put a dollar on that. You could go 516, that's straight, 516 straight, or you go 516 box.

Which is 715, 157, 517, 715. So anything around it? Yeah, a box, everything. And it pays 500 to 1. I don't know what his system paid. I don't know either. So if you pay me. But it's about the same.

It's a weighted. systems. If you give me $10, I'll give you back $5,000 at the end of that. Jesus. And if you get it straight. You know how many times my mother hit that number? Once a month. With 50 on it.

My mother would three throw $800 on a fucking number. So then it was worth it then? For her, but if she would lose, you don't, you know. That's it. You lose every day. It's once in a year. In my short career playing numbers, I had the numbers twice. One day I came home with a basketball shirt, there was number 57.

And I threw it on the chair. My mother looked at it and she goes, give me a number before that. And I go, five, five, five. 57 10 bucks 5,000 she gave me a thousand bucks and then the last year she was alive on my birthday as I was walking out the bookie at the house goes what do you want for your birthday I go give me $10 on 219 when I got back like you hit the fucking number so it's but people will see three numbers and don't gamble anything I remember there would be in one nice lady in the neighborhood you never would have guessed in a million years in a million years that this nice

little lady that everybody knew was one of the greatest probably numbers play ever this lady would predict the Ohio or the PA pick three she was making a living and you know I know this because my mom was you know the person so it would discipline this motherfucking blank you know when she would say her name this mother fuck I don't know how she does it because you know when she's when my mom's the bank if there's somebody that's hit and like a couple few times a week or something man I gotta fucking sit down this lady made her is going on yeah exactly Jesus. Is it psychic, or is it just, it's just locked?

I was set to do numbers. At the age of 19, I had a fucking 30-hour, a week job doing numbers with these bookies that I had grown up with an 118th and Fifth Avenue. Yeah. When I noticed, I wasn't going to do nothing. Right before I went to Colorado, I did it with that. And it was interesting, and I liked it. But the decline was already starting. So does it exist anymore?

It exists, but it's a one-man operation now. me myself if I called the numbers into a big bank like I couldn't be a bank anymore because I wouldn't have people it's not that big no more but if I worked it like I fucking got a bodega and I worked it and I sold it and I fucking worked it every day and I got it back into that society again which would be two or three years to get people banging out

I couldn't make $2,000 a week that's $8,000 a fucking month that's $96,000 a year taking numbers on a daily basis His mom, like, supported you on it. Seven days of fucking meat. I can't imagine, like, on dollar bets, just in your local neighborhood. Because the state lottery, the state lottery is all around the state, just in your local neighborhood having it add up to be that much. Those dollars add up.

And when you're a street guy, those dollars also become you loan money. Loaning money is big. Loaning money is fucking huge. You'd be surprised, Lee, in this economy, how much a loan shark would make. I know people right now that if I said to them, tell people that they can get money for three points a week. I know people will call me in a fucking 10 days, especially now. And that's basically, what do you need?

Lee, I need $1,000. All right, Lee, here's the deal. I'm going to give you $1,000. I like you, Lee. You're going to give me $150 a week until you pay me the $1,000. So the $150 you give me a week doesn't go against $1,000. So it's not $8.50. When you give me the whole $1,000, that's when you start paying me $150 a week.

Think about that way. So wait. So you're saying that if you paid $150, that's just so you wouldn't get beat up. Like you have to then also pay $1,000. That's the juice. You're my friend. Give me $100 a week.

So it wasn't paying it down. It was just... So if you give me $200, then you owe me $900. So you got to give me 3% of that every week. Okay. If you give me $400 to next week, you still got to get me $3.6. $600.

So it keeps going. No. Were your parents like fucking... Maybe it just because of them a Jew, but just the thought of having a worry every day, were they, like, stressed out all the time? Yeah, that's high level. It's street. It's a street.

Especially, like, you know, I was born in 84. They attacked Youngstown, because it was, it was really a head, it's always been a headquarters. It's between Chicago and New York City, so back in the day, all the gangsters would meet in Youngstown. Al Capone had a headquarters there, the Naples. I mean, this, you can

on the, you can look, I can't believe there's not like a fucking huge movie about it yet. There was a movie that was trying to put together a Rome, New York. Rome, New York is the same thing. For like four years in a row, they had the most murders in Rome, New York. In the 70s, it was a mafia neighborhood.

Rock Springs, Wyoming, another mob-run neighborhood by Vegas. I went to do comedy. And I seen the report on 60 minutes. I'm like, the mafia? Rock Springs, Wyoming. What are you saying? And then when I got there, like, are you fucking kidding me there everywhere?

All these pizza parlors and Rock Springs? Yeah. We think they're doing it out of here. Now, does the mafia still exist? Because I lived in the North, the Italian section of Boston for two years, and there were these guys that would walk around with dress pants and no shirt with huge tattoos on their back. And I lived on the street with the cheese guy who got put in jail for racketeering.

Like, I don't think it was even that big. But, like, when you see the movies, you're like, this doesn't exist. And it doesn't still exist. It exists. Jesus. But it's not in the level it was 30 years ago. It's not in the level of 12 million a fucking year John Gotti was making. 12 million a year

12 million a year off the percentage of other people construction you know 12 million fucking dollars a year you're lucky you know what it is to wake up every Monday and know that you don't know what's going to happen

you don't even know your wife and your kid are on the couch when you leave and you have no idea whether you're even going to come back at 5 because there might be the day you might get around you might get arrested you're at a bar you fucking pull over a truck you know you have 50 microwave ovens you got to sign every day's a different story when you're

when you're out there one day it might be microwave ovens the next day tony might go to the store tonight and find the wall over credit cards we got to go bang that out it's the holidays you know we come over here leave what do you want for that computer i'll buy i'll give you 800 2 000 brand new boom we'll be here five with the fucking computer that's 8100 that's four bills a piece then we go out and get some mouse then somebody comes with a kilo below you sell that then somebody wants to put a bed in you fight you know it's just a nightmare you're known for something his household was a little

bit crazy no no no no no no no my mom had the numbers and she had the bar and that's where she kept it she knew people involved in drugs and since she had the bar and people drank and people did drugs it was around this my mother didn't get into the drugs again till the bar closed in 78 and that was the big transition the Cubans came in in 79. She died way before the Cubans came in in 79. But 78, Cubans were bringing in

and Coke to New York City by this time. Not the Cuban Cubans, the Miami Cubans. So I would wake up, like a friend of mine when I was in New Orleans, lives down there, and he gave me one of those coffee bags. You know those gold bags, those knit bags, I don't know what the fuck you call him? And he goes, it's an inside joke. And I didn't understand. He goes, remember when we were kids and you took me to your basement and you showed me the bales or weed and coke that your mother had hidden downstairs because in those days people would pay rent so i come over here and say hey yo lee do me a favor put three kilos in your room what's your rent here 2000 a month i give you 2,000 a month every month wow that's how that works that's how that

works wow same thing with cash i might come to and go lee i don't want nobody in this hell paula ashley no mind i'm gonna give you two grand a month but there's going to be half a million here If I come in here and there's a half and there's a dollar missing, I'm going to shoot you. So you tell me if you want Paula or Ashley or anybody else here, Joe Dia's here. And it's cool. Fuck it. He pays my rent. He has a safe in here.

He only comes over here once a month because they don't want to attract heat over here. Can't imagine the stress that would go. Just thinking about that stresses me out. Yeah. Like, do you ever talk to your dad about it? Is he still involved? I don't know if he wants to that or not. No.

No. And that's why I can talk about it because they destroy. it in Youngstown. They pinpointed Youngstown. They're like, if we take care of it here, it's going to it's going to hit him hard. And it did. And they basically eliminated it completely in the mid-90s. And yes, it was very stressful. Towards the end of it all, it's not as glamorous as it seems. You know, it's not like that part in the movies. At least it wasn't for my family. It wasn't like we had some crazy house and people are walking in in pink jackets and driving pink Cadillacs. It wasn't like that. I mean, I lived on the most hood street, the most dangerous

corner of one of the most dangerous cities in the country. And, you know, I'd come home at times and our house got broken into because some, you know, dumb young gangsters, you know, I mean, then black gangs took over and they didn't know whose house they were robin. You know what I mean? So you'd come home sometimes your Nintendo's gone. I mean, you're crying, you're scared. You're afraid when you wake up in the middle of the night that somebody's standing over your bed. So there's a lot of stress with that, with the location, and there's a lot of stress. Her business got destroyed.

I mean, imagine if, you know, you're a, I don't know, what just went under, like a, I don't know, like a U.S. Postal Service person right now is probably pretty concerned or whatever. I guess there's probably better examples. But somebody's like, if you're watching your industry disappear in front of your eyes and you're like, fuck, the FBI is on it. So I watch that dissipate. So there was definitely a lot of times.

We were struggling for money. I remember being stressed with my mom, seeing my mom stressed. And also, you know, her being worried about cops and stuff. Phone taps. We were all hearing about it. They were covering it in the news and stuff. So it got, it hit close to home. So, yeah, it wasn't all glamour, you know.

I was lucky to be able to have a new pair of Nike's when I was a kid. It's amazing how television and movies make the life very glamorous. Yeah. Yeah. And you asked the question, Lee, the mafia still exists. you take the kids I grew up with they're still involved in it but they're also

involved in trucking or they have a used car lot and there's no more social clubs you know they're not on the street out there with $2,000 suits hugging each other with pinky rings no more because you can't

you'll get it eating up now the mafia exists but you've got to be partners with the Armenians and you better be partners with the Russians and you got to do something with the fucking Yams

and you got to do something with the fucking Colombians And that's the only way you're going to exist now. That shit that, no, we were Italians, and that shit don't fucking cut it no more. That shit don't cut it no more. Yeah, and there's people out there. I can't even, like, I'm high, but I just, even if I, like, I can't imagine. I grew up in the whitest town, and my parents moved in before it got nice, like, as nice as it was,

but it was still, like, upper high, upper, high, upper middle class, town, rich town. Kids had BMWs, like, the parents were doctors. and I just can't, as much as I understand what you're saying, I can't. And no matter how careful you are. Tony Hinchcliff, if he was in numbers right now, how old are you now, Tony? 29. 29. So he'd probably just be taking the second pinch.

He'd probably go and do four or five years come out. Now you come out, you've got wings on the streets. Now you come out and adjust, and now somebody gives you a position, they know you're not a bad person. Now they give you a position you can make some money. You can make some money yourself. You get a gun, you've loaned money. You take numbers.

There's always sports betting, you know. It's amazing how quick you get on your feet, Lee. And if you watch the right people and you do the right thing, you can make fucking money. I know people I went to high school with that today are still dabbling in cocaine. 30 years later. They probably got popped 20 years ago. They did a year or so. They came out.

Now they know exactly how to do it. To go to one person. If I had one customer that bought a kilo a month for me, that's $10,000 a month. that's $120,000 a year You know what I'm saying As your fucking little part-time gig And this guy's cool He takes it to the right people

Because remember you can be as careful as you can You don't know what the guy you're giving it to is going to do He might get the call and make a fucking U-turn Right in front of a cop get pulled over And the dog sniffs the fucking blowing There you are where you come from I came from fucking over here on Beverly Boulevard You're done

There's so many fucking things I saw my mom I saw my mom take two pinches that killed her and they had nothing to do with her one pinch in the 70s at her bar this is why the bar closed because a guy called pangiawa they called this guy bread and water that's how cold blood this Puerto Rican guy was he ran shit out of Elizabeth New Jersey but he always go to my mother's bar my mother had three different phones she had the pay phone in the corner okay the phone behind the bar and the phone the office so but the phone the pay phone

you could answer it behind the bar. That's illegal. The guy called to do a drug deal. They taped it so they closed the bar. They arrested my mother because it was her bar. It still made the papers and it still went against her liquor license. She didn't recover from that. Right.

She didn't recover from that one. That one hurt him. They had just killed that Cuban cop. They bullied ridden that fucking Cuban cop that were shaking that. So all these things that happened and people looking at the bar, When they killed that Cuban cop, they went to all the Cuban bars and said, guys, a Cuban fucking cop got shot a thousand times. It was one of U-8 fucking bars.

We don't know who it is, but we know it's one of U-A guys. Then the fucking second thing with the drug. Then she took another bust. She took another bust for something when she was still alive and I was big. I can't remember what the fuck it was for. It was either for numbers, but see, here's the deal with numbers. This is how corrupt in New York it was. Numbers, all the banks are in New York City.

People sports gamble and do numbers gambling in New Jersey, but if they go over the river, it's a misdemeanor. Did you know that? In New York. In New York City, gambling is a misdemeanor the first or two or three times. You have to look it up, especially numbers. It's a misdemeanor, so they give you a ticket. Is the only reason it's illegal because they'd rather have people going to the real lottery?

Like, I don't really see a real reason why it's illegal. somebody in New York, somebody that they went to New York, in the 50s, said, listen, help us out. Make the fucking laws for bookmaking go away, and we'll give you a piece of our fucking action. So this guy went in front of the 12 guys and go, let's worry about rape and drugs. Who cares about bookmaking?

Yeah. In the 50s, it's documented. The cops were, and I remember being in the 70s, my mom, I remember the cops would come into the numbers operation. And my mom would go up to him, give the guy a hug, and give an envelope. And the guy would leave, and they'd all go. Giggle. Ha, ha, ha, ha,

Ginoa, what do you think about the Mets? They suck. Fuck you, Charlie. And I'm like, you're talking to cops. I'm like, they're all pieces of shit. They take money on the fucking day. But she used to tell me in those days that,

what the fuck was I going to tell you guys? It was different when cops shook you down. It wasn't the way. You know, I don't even think cops shake you down, though. They just said, did you see the video they did of what they're doing in New York City? What? It was on Twitter the other day. They have this thing called stop and frisk,

or something in New York, and it's literally something, Bloomberg talked about it. They want people, anyone who looks suspicious, they just stop and they frisk them. And, like, they have quotas for it in New York. Like, you have to do a certain amount, or the cops get in trouble. And this kid tape recorded just the audio of it happening,

and he was just walking, and two cops came in, like, beat him up a little bit. And it was, like, it was crazy. It's called Stop and Frisk. And it's like a whole program in New York. How would you react? to that you'd be able to keep your cool to you guys just start frisking you're walking down a

street of New York? I know that's not illegal on me. Right, but doesn't it bother you, the guys are patting you down all of a sudden? I heard things about New York that would torment you people. After 9-11, they took New York seriously. They took New York seriously. The kid that's in the witness relocation

plan, what's his name? Salubots was saying they have something now. You can't rob a bag in New York. You can't do nothing like that in New York because they have color stuff, the cameras, take pictures of it. And they'll heat you and they'll know exactly where the fuck. I don't know all these scientific terms. I just know that they got New York wired.

I know for a fact they got my hometown wired. If there's something happened, the cops will be there because they got the whole town on monitor, on camera. I know people who work in the camera room. That's what they call them. So all the hot areas in North Bergen, they got cameras on. You're being watched at all fucking times right now. That's what happened after 9-11.

But I don't want you to think it's because of 9-11. You were being watched the whole time. They've been listening to your phone calls the whole time. You know what, this thing in front of us is, this is communism. We don't know it. We think it's entertainment. That little dot there on the little thing. They can turn that on, yeah.

All this shit here, they fucking watch you. This is how they know your thoughts. This is how you know how you're into. This is all programmed into a computer somewhere. What do I care now? It's too late. Too late. I read an article last night that Facebook, like, let's say you go to write a status, but you delete it.

You don't even write it. You don't even hit post. they keep blogs of everything you type on Facebook. Yeah, that's it. You're done. Wow. That's all for you for later. That's all, in case you stab somebody, they're going to go to your Facebook and go.

2013, you wrote you were going to stab a Puerto Rican in the neck. It's amazing. You know, for years, they said, well, fucking, when you talked and you said the word, eight ball, a bomb, a computer would go on and tape your conversation. You used to get letters, didn't you? Like, if you talked to some of the federal wiretap? You were my friends in Jersey.

I used to get letters and shit. Some guy told me to bring it to the Rogan podcast, and I brought up there one time that I was on wire. Because whenever you're on a wire and you're not guilty, they have to send you a thing to let you know that you were on that wire. So let's say you call Lee to talk about computers. Lee's a heroin salesman. You don't fucking know that.

You just know that Lee fixes computers, and you come over and have a conversation with him. After they indict him, they'll send you. you were let her go, hey, by the way, fuck up. That conversation you had about big titty's and eating ass with your wife. He's on it and shit like that. So it's, it's, it's, uh, you asked the question before he is really interesting. When I left New Jersey in April of 83, when I got the snowmass village, I asked the kid

how much he wanted for rent. This is no lie. And he goes, you could keep the upstairs bedroom. It's got a little furniture in there with the, when the kid comes back, In California, you have to sleep on the couch. But until he comes back, clean the room, it's your room. Give me $500 a month. It was a four-bedroom house and Snowmast Village.

Do you know what I did the first three weeks? What? I slept 18 hours a day. And I wish I was lying to you guys. How well do you know me? Do I sleep fucking close to 18 hours a day? I don't think you do that in the week now. But the stress level I was living, you asked Tony.

Yeah. The way I was running, you could feel it. Remember I told you when I was 8, when I was 21, I used to wipe my ass and chunks of blood would come out and I had an ulcer in my stomach. That was all part of that. When I was 819 and I left Colorado and I left New Jersey because I didn't notice the stress level. When you're running and gunning, forget comedy. Comedy is nothing compared to when you're running and gunning. When I mean running and gunners every Monday, it starts from top.

Comedy is very similar to that because you might have fucking got to. standing ovation in Alabama on Saturday, but Sunday is a whole different fucking death. That's so true. So, yes, you're very interested today in saying that, that there are two fucking sides to the comedy and the criminality. The stress level that I handled on the street is nothing. Exactly.

Nothing. What I mean on a Monday, when me and Tony have, all right, so it's this Monday, the 23rd. I got a girlfriend. This is how I would think. It's Monday to 23rd. I got a girlfriend, I got Tony who feeds me, I got this guy who feeds me, that's me let's me borrow money.

I got to get these two fucking hookos, fucking Coke. I got to get them a present. I got to get my girlfriend a present and take her out. I got to buy new clothes on the 24th because you can't dress with your street clothes. So all this goes in. I got to have money to go to Tony Hinskglises and drink and have Coke. So you make a budget in your head, $1,600. If I told you on Monday that you had to make $1,600 by Friday, Lee, without editing,

I would have no idea how to do it. Well, you do it. And guess what? You go for $1,600, and you come up with $11.50. But $11.50, and what would that compose of? Monday morning I get up, and he says to me, I got a new fucking client fee. He's going to bet $20,000 in three days.

That's 20% to me, you know? Let's lock this guy in. You come to me and go, yo, I got an ounce of Coke. I need somebody to help me with it. My buddy owed me $10,000. That's what he gave me. Let's cut that motherfucker up. Sling of Philly.

You know, whatever. Some other guy comes up to me and says, dog, I got 20 fucking air conditions in the truck. You need to help me fucking sell them. And at the end of the week, it all washes out, Lee. I think it's the stress.

The stress. Think of living your life life. But also another thing that I just thought of that I think's interesting and probably is a connection, is the fear. Like, you lose the fear of people. And to be able to do stand-up,

like you have to, you know, you can't be afraid of what their reaction might be, you're already losing. So what's interesting is that, because I feel like I'm not afraid of people, you know. I don't mind walking in the dark down a dark alley out here. I'm used to the absolute most dangerous stuff you can imagine.

So I think in that, and I know you're probably not an afraid guy. And the other people, you know, I think a part of a certain type of comedian, which is really the grinder and all that, is that you can't be intimidated by people. I can't be, I am afraid, but I know the, I remember when I used to live in the, not when I live in the Bronx, my mom had, I'm sorry, that's a terrible fart. When my mom lived in the Bronx, we had the dry cleaner in the Bronx. Those kids were rough and tough up there.

And I had to compose myself a certain way. I remember that on my shoulders, I couldn't be a kid. Right. Even though I was four, I had access. It's like National Geographic. You got to fucking get the shoulders out, you know? You know, pop up the arm. That's one thing about comedy that when you walk out, you got to attack them.

I don't have that time set to fuck around and dilly down and then come at them and check my timing and what language they like or they don't like. So it's the street dictates that part. The body language, you're fucking dead. You're dying inside. You got $2,000 that don't belong to you. You got to walk up three fucking floors. Okay? You got to walk up three floors.

And those three floors are like the House of Harvest. That's why I don't go to fucking Halloween houses because I lived it. Who's going to pop up? who's not going to pop up. You got to walk up those fucking stairs. That is. I am kind of glad I went to school in downtown Boston because, like, I'm not nervous.

Like you were saying, I'm not nervous in cities. And I have, like, I spent six months in Israel. And people, like, weren't you scared? And it's like, you just figure out where you're supposed to go and where you're not supposed to go. And it's common sense, really, but a lot of people don't have it. This life is all common sense. that just so many

sometimes I see women at 21 and you want to go up to them and smack them right in the fucking face because you're like, listen, you got a hot pants on, you got a white t-shirt on, you got no shoes on, and you're talking to a car full of four fucking black guys.

Okay, you're in no danger in making out of that situation. That's a Tupac video right there. And they're not going to kill you, but they're going to fuck the shit out of you and stretch out your asshole. You don't need that situation. Go back inside and get a lollipop

and rent fucking a dog who saved Halloween. You see people, I see it sometimes. You see it that you cannot be that fucking stupid. That age group, guys and girls. There's something about like 18 to 24. You just see that they're making mistakes. Yeah, it's amazing that at 18, I already thought like a 25-year-old man.

Right. Not because I was bigger and battered because I had to. Yeah. And the line of business that I was in at that point, my body, my head, I didn't think like most like I could never imagine. to wear a fuck football jersey I can't imagine ever wearing a giant jersey when I was 18 I was gone from that already at 18 sports that was out of my mind I only cared about sports for one thing money money how we're gonna make a living off the fucking giants you know what the amazing how I got desensitives when I figured out

that that might be booked they might be fake you know what I don't have time to think about this let's just I don't have time to even watch this shit I like some shit, some shit I can't throw my life away for it. It's the weirdest thing. But that's why I think that fucked me up towards sports. Yeah. Was the sports gambling because I saw it for what it was. I saw for what it was.

You know, NFL, they give you the fucking injury reports. They give you fucking everything for football. What do you think we do football for? Now they have Thursday games. What do they just invented? Right. Because we're like football. And that's what they're gambling.

Fantasy football is a disguise. That's the... I don't know nothing about that. You know, I don't know anything about fantasy football? Well, that's what it. You actually know everything about it. It's the nerdy way of it. Don't do I want to know.

How fucking funny is that? I don't need to know about fantasy football. But you do because your history of knowing of having to, they put so much of that out there. I mean, you can get day-to-day reports on injuries now because of the internet to where back then, you know, unless you need the trainer. You didn't know shit. You didn't know shit. You didn't have anything. It's so hard to gamble now in so many ways.

But that's it, Lee. Your stress level. You know, we were having a situation here with four. I don't know if you want to talk about it or not. but we'll talk about it about you were you were chosen to be on a show and all of a sudden a week before this show they told you to go fuck yourself well not exactly that they wanted me on the guy who the host yeah host yeah but the network didn't want you on the show and then you sit there and you go to yourself this is the same disappointment when you bet the nicks for

$2,000 because your kid needs braces yeah and the nicks lose you follow it especially when they're supposed to win especially when they're supposed to to win. So it's little things like I remember one time, guys it was probably February. And guys I was out there. I was out there. And I wanted to

fucking pay this bookie. And I noticed that he opened up his linen closet and his linen closet was a cash register. You know what I'm trying to say to you? Yeah. You know what linen is put like that to the bottom of singles. Wow. The middle of five. On shelves? On shelves. On shelf.

20, 50s, 100. It's awesome. And the hundreds have like a stack like this big, which is 10,000. And I'm sitting there, and I'm giving him his money. And I'm like, this guy's going down. I mean, I couldn't even focus on how bad this guy was going to get killed. And if I had a weapon right there, I would have killed the guy. His little half a fagged bodyguard was with him.

My left end, I go, I'm going to rob this guy. To make a long story short, I worked at it for two, three weeks. Was that the one when you threw sandwiches to the dog? When I threw sandwiches to the dog. And I had people going, Tony, do me a favor? What do I owe? You're six? B. Joe Marries a 10.

I'm going to give you a 10 because you're my brother. because you waited for the sixth and you never busted my balls. I had four people waiting up to hell like that, drinking, celebrating. Joey's bringing us our money times, and I'd be great. I was buying a kilo. What I saw in that closet was 50 grand easy. Even if he paid out three quarters of it, I was still getting 10 fucking grand on fucking Saturday night. I went there and there was no, I didn't get it.

That's like going for an audition to telling you, you got it. They show it to you. And it hurts, and it hurts your confidence for a couple days. But you're so far in the game. I've ripped my hand over. from robin. I mean, I still have a scar

from the fucking mishap. But I look at it once a week I'm like, a fucking motherfucker. Yeah. And the connection's not far

because just like with that, I'm sure like the next couple things that you did after that, you're sort of like getting back into it. You know what I mean?

I mean, it's probably the next day. But it does, it messes with your confidence and it does in comedy too. Like I do this every, I go, my whole thing is I do stand up

because I love it. So I do it every single night. Normally twice a night, whatever, blah-b-de-blah. I love it. So I'm doing it seven nights a week. That's just how I'm doing it right now. I'm not saying it's always going to be that way.

But anyway, it's seven nights a week. You get instant. You know what I mean? But, for example, when I didn't get that thing, even though I do it every night, next two or three nights, the sets were just, ugh. Because I'm just grossed out

because it's a blow to, it's a blow for a couple days. But that goes to show you, you do it once every few weeks or whatever, you know. then you take that with you or you're healed, but it's interesting to see that connection between the two because you're sharper the next time you go out of your, you know. But I bet when to get to be Joey's age,

because I know Joey at this point, it wouldn't affect him as much. So like for me, I'll put it in a way that people listening might understand a little more. I went, after I got my first job in L.A., took me a year and a half,

and I went about 20 job interviews until I got my next job. Because you still don't have a lot of experience. The first job interview I didn't get, it, like, sucked and I got depressed and stuff. But after 20 job interviews and not getting them, it doesn't hurt as much because you know you're going to get a job eventually. So it's interesting seeing you, and, like, you were going to make your TV debut on that. So you're excited, you're telling people, Joey, you've been on stuff, and you're like, well, I'll get on Brooklyn Nine-Nine next week. so who cares? No, no, no, no, it's still...

It still hurts you? Sure, it doesn't hurt as long. It doesn't hurt as long or as fast. I went in on a Monday for a get short of the sequel. They call me back on Tuesday. Okay. Wednesday, I went in red with fucking Travolta. Thursday, I went in red with Trowaltern, the little guy,

and the fucking casting director, Sheila Jaffe. When I got home, there was a call from the agent. They want to see 11 o'clock. It was December 18th. It was a Friday. It was like December 23rd, one of those... where Tuesday is Christmas. Yeah.

Like, the following week was Tuesday. I thought I was going to fucking get it. That was my Christmas present. Because I was getting dressed, putting my mom-up suit on. I picked up the fucking phone. It was my agent. They hired somebody out of New York the night before. As I was getting in my fucking car, guys. Mm-hmm.

I got a thousand of those. Thousands of those. Yeah. Getting flown to L.A., the audition for a show. Killing at the Laugh Factory. Getting flown in again, killing again. Moving down here. them seeing you again again again and then telling you

no we're not going to have you and then the weekend of the festival they had the dirty show to really kill me and didn't invite me to that so that whole time you made me work clean now you had a dirty show and you don't call me in for that there's been mishaps that's what makes you tougher that's what makes you tougher after a while but all of those they all sting you oh yeah they all fucking stingy I've been showcasing for the same thing for the last five years

I was telling, I told me on the way up here, I don't have an agent. I have a mediocre agent. I'm on a fucking trailer, grudge match. I'm not blowing my own horn here. I'm just telling you the reality of it. From the coffee shop that we met at here, there was at least two grudge match. Bullboards, he was cracking me up. I'm following him behind him.

I'm like, I wonder if he's taking me on this path on purpose because he knows the billboards. No, I have an exceptional fucking resume for acting. All right, you don't want my stand-up. Sign me for acting. Send me out for pilots. It's the way it is. is and it fucks with you but you know where it's coming from hey bro I just did two things for Comedy Central this is what's not happening okay they love me they don't

love me they want me to go to New York to do this other thing I never hear back next thing I know David Tell was doing an Rated show I didn't even get invited to the dance there's nothing you can do about it it's just part of the game it just toughens you up but this is what makes certain people crack see other people by now after the third blow, they're out of this. Well, my sister's sick in Connecticut, I'm going to go watch her for a while. It's your way out, brother.

Stop it, cut it out. And I understand. This is tough. The same for everybody. This is fucking torture. Yeah. I'm going back to Youngstown this weekend for the first time in five years.

Five years I've been away from my hometown. My whole family's there. Going there this weekend. Because I'm in the game. You know what I mean? And maybe I'd still be in the game if I took vacations and went and hung out. but the only reason I'm going back

is because I got the gig there you know I got that weekend at that comedy club but if it wasn't for that you know exactly so the guy that used to be the manager that comedy club used to be the manager at a club called Sanford & Sons in Kansas City if this is the same guy

by now I don't think he is he was a fucking mess and when I call you a fucking mess you're a fucking mess okay at this time of this story, I was a fucking mess. So I do Law and Order SVU. I can't work Tuesday night. I get in the night, late night, Tuesday,

in for radio Wednesday morning. I fly from New York City to Kansas City to do Stanford's. As I pull into baggage claim, I don't know where my ride is. I'm waiting by the fucking thing for my luggage, and I see a car pull up, and a cop

behind it. And I see a chick, and a guy that scramble. And finally, I see the guy talking to the guy and the guy walks into me goes, how are you doing? And he's fucking jawing. Right. How are you doing? My name is whatever from the club. I'm here to pick you up. Tell me you got a driver's

license on you. I go, yeah, he goes, good, you're going to drive home, but he's fucking wild. Wow. I come out, show the cop, my driver's like, he goes, all right, you could drive home. I drive fucking home. Him and the girl in the back, join up a storm. You can hear him sweat. You can't, finally, I go, you got a little piece for me and they're like, what are you talking about?

I go, a piece of that fucking rock that you, you motherfuckers were doing me a taste and they're like we don't do cocaine I pull that fucking car I'll take I'll do a fucking you turn and leave you right back with the cop give me a package they're like okay wait until we get back to the club oh you think I'm fucking kidding I've been sitting on a plane all fucking day shoot long that's for you in the cold weather I demand

the taste motherfucker that's the club that was so crazy that he gave me the package the first night and he goes listen whatever you do don't do blow with the waitresses especially that one And what do you think I did? I went and did blow with the waitresses, especially that one. She used to get so horny.

She was 20 with a baby already. She had her that, two-year-old, the 20. And she was hotter than fuck. I gave this bitch two old Coke bumps. That bitch was dry-humping, that fucking, that chair, the bar chair. I took her back to the hotel. I had no condom, but I ate the fuck out hairy little monster. I put Coke rocks in their pussy.

I loved it and shit. You cared about not having a condom? What's that? You wouldn't do it if you didn't have a condom? Nah, you don't want to fuck some chick on the road. Not a condom? What do I got? You don't know what she got?

I don't want what she got. She just had a baby. You know what comes out of that fucking monster when a baby comes out? That's all lava juice and fucking... You smell that fart? It's tremendous. You smell it? I'm too high to smell it.

So, no, I just... I don't have a condom. I just eat that fucking monk water. Wow, that's an interesting approach. That's... What? I get a little... My throat gets sore.

for a few days. That's how you probably got that voice. You probably used to sound like me. You just eat enough pussy all of a sudden you. You eat that fucking monkey, then you turn them over and eat that ass and it disinfects the throat. And you're back.

And you're listerine, a little gargle. And you're back, cock suckers. Then you go breathe in her fucking face with that listerine ass breath. And you fucking tell her you love, I love you. Fucker. How are you, motherfuck?

fuckers doing out there in podcast land you motherfuckers eight more fucking days to christmas i hope you have a great christmas and don't forget to go to honit.com for all your vitamin choices or health choices when i tell you on it i was throwing a harbour yesterday and we had a great talk about the shit he's got coming out next year and what on it and what listen let me tell you some this guy cares about your people the customer satisfaction is great the customer service is great and the products are great i'm doing a lot better at jihitsu i got my first fucking stripe because of that fucking shroom tech because it gave me more oxygen to breathe

go on that shroom tech the alpha brain sharpens you up the hemp fucking force sharpens you up the fucking 180 they're back stronger than ever if you're gonna fly over the holidays go to honor dot com go to joey deers.net go to the honor box pressing

church ch h you are c h get 10% off plus whatever else they got going on get the emails my discount don't count for fucking weights or gorilla bells or fucking ropes and shit You got to do that on the fucking full arm. My fucking little name church

Get your little percentage of the action on your vitamins and minerals. They got stevia. They got fucking everything. Go to honor.com. I wouldn't blow smoke up your fucking ass. They make a great product. I feel a lot better. I take those fucking alpha brains before I fly.

I fucking feel like a soldier in the morning. I take these early flights. You don't see me cough in the sneeze or none. I just got a couple pubic hairs flapping in my throat like a fucking windsock. Besides that. What's up, Tony Hinkliff? You bad motherfuckers. This is up, Lisa. Let me give some people.

Some fucking shout-outs here, right? How about Bobby Passman, you bad motherfucker? Armony Prescott. Stephen Quail. I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about. I have this time, but I like you. Kevin Cross, who's better than you? Lady J., you fucking big tinnit bitch. I love you.

And Nick Pampa, stay black, cocksucker. And don't forget, December 31st. It's not only New Year's. It's my CD release party and New Year's. At John Lovitz. Party starts at 8. You're out of that 1015. you go home and fuck your wife in the ass without a condom

and that's the way it works out. You understand me if you want to do blow, you can put whatever though. You put a Coke rock in between the tits and rub them, then your tit fuck them and your dick is numb for eight hours. The CD's called it. You can't eat pussy with asthma. You can't eat pussy with asthma on iTunes.

Pre-order it today. Let's start the fucking new year number one. Show these motherfuckers who's got the church of what happens. Now fucking brigade behind them. You understand? I got no fucking glasses. I hope I'll make something from my eyesight because that's fucking going by the debt.

What's up, Tony. I need to get you on my podcast. I can't go to the store on a Monday night, though, so we have to do it off the premise. Not even the belly room? You could go right up that side stairway in a crazy turn of events. You ever like the Pittsburgh Steelers all week?

You were awake up on Monday. Look at the paper, and you love the Pittsburgh Steelers on Monday. You go look at the fucking line. Pittsburgh's going to kill these motherfuckers. And Tuesday, you like them even more. on Wednesday the line hasn't changed in Thursday. You know it. You know

it. You never fucking like somebody this much but you have a feeling. The big game is Dallas Giants. Everybody will be watching San Francisco play Green Bay. But he is measly Pittsburgh giving two and a half points of these fucking bums. And what happens to you is Saturday morning? Some loser friend

of years calls you and tell you how the quarterback for that team is sensational. He's on the throat. He's been on a row. And all of some, Pittsburgh wins 24 nothing and you lost money. How bad do you feel? Really bad. That's why you never go against your fucking commitment.

You never go against your first flavor. I walked out of this store November 8th, 9th, 2007. I can't go back in there. It's been nothing but good for me. November 2007? That's when I walked out of there. Really? I was there.

It got good for me and I can't go back in there. And I love the store. I'm a man at the store. When I do, when I stick by something, that's the way you stick by something. I love to be able to go in there ha-ha and he-he, but I can't. I can't let myself do it at this point in my life.

You know, a lot of you guys don't want Sonsa Hanneke. I know you don't watch it. You're out on Tuesday nights killing a bitch. I know Lee doesn't watch it. And I watch the season finale. It's amazing how much you learn. How much, whether you're doing comedy, eight years or ten years, you think you're a good writer,

it ain't shit doing you're 20 years. And then you start seeing it. Well, this year I always talked to Diagostino the day after Suns's Anarchy. I watch. It's a stupid fucking show. You don't watch Breaking Bad? When it was on. Okay. Okay. Just making sure.

And it's really weird how this season wasn't the best season ever. It really wasn't. I watch it because it's what I do on Tuesday nights. I get high. It's part of my bantua. I leave Thursdays, so I stay home with the wife. This last week's was fucking amazing because you could see how

now I got why they did that episode. so three and that's writing that's they just don't write like fucking Puerto Ricans they're fucking writing but there was a part in that that really I didn't watch it because my wife and the baby were in the room and she came out and said to me is it worth rewinding and I go not really I just wanted to watch it but the next day the baby went to sleep and I watched it early in the morning like at six and I was blown away and it was plain and fucking simple the DA goes to visit Jack's the beginning of the episode and this is a true story this is saying that didn't happen to me

one day at the beginning of the episode she goes to visit him at the candy shop and she goes when I talk to you about something he sits down and she goes there come a time in your life when you have to respect you have to you have to accept responsibility and you have to put it on yourself and she goes because if you don't do that

it's going to fucking kill everything you love it really is and she looks on and she goes before all this president and biker and tough guy and whatever you do as an art before all this you're a fucking man and you got to own your space and she got up and walked away and he had a tear in his eye and that's the same thing I thought the day I started rolling you know it just wasn't working out for me at the store I had a fat ball removed from my neck Right. And I swear to God, I'm superstitious as fuck!

I come from a gambling house. He thought it had something to do with that place, the stress, the energy, something like that. I had the longest yard, and I remember how people come up to me and say, we're proud of you. And you know how people are when they, you turn their back, they go, fuck this coke fiend. I don't know this guy, John Carnelly one day, he said to me, the reason why you're funny is because you do coke and go on stage. If you've ever done coke, it doesn't make you fucking funny. But I knew the general feeling. The general feeling was that

especially when I got the longest yard, half the people felt I got it because of Joe Rogan. Half the people came up to me and congratulated but really didn't mean it. And half the people were just fucking jerk off. So when they took that fat ball out, and I remember looking at it, still in the anesthesia, I remember looking at this yellow thing,

pus with blood on it and fat and coke fucking rocks. I remember thinking that's the comedy store. And right there was when I started getting less and less about the comedy store. Three weeks later that went down with Joe and Carlos, Then a couple weeks later, something else went on. And then I started going up there less and less.

And I told this story a thousand times. Caparulo came up to me and said, tell your buddy that it's not going to be like that, no more. Him and the fucking manager came up to him. And then when Joe Rogan comes back from that tour, no more 45-minute sets. And I knew what direction it was going. Then the stuff with Carlos went down.

And Joe's hard-headed. You can't tell Joe something. I went to Joe, and I said, bro, stop going down there. He wanted, everybody wants an explanation. where I come from, I look at you in the eye and go, Tony, don't go down there no more. But what I just tell you? Because you know how it is in our neighborhood.

Don't go down there. And then when you go down there, you get your head bust and you come to me, I'm going to go, what did I tell you? Right. What the fuck did I tell you? Don't come to me now. And we don't need to tell you why. When I look at you and go, stay right there.

That means stay right there. Don't fucking move. I'm telling you, don't fucking make a move. So there's people that are embraced like that, and it's very hard. Then they come back and go, but bro, you didn't explain it to me. I didn't have to explain it to you.

I'm your brother. I love you. If I tell you, don't go over there, it's dropped. That's why we're so good at taking direction now. You give us a good director, right? That's it. That's it.

In two weeks, when the place burns down, you'll come to me and go, thank you. Thank you, bro. What I tell you, don't even go down there. So it all went down, and one day I just decided,

especially after Maryland, it all went down, and then I went, it's so funny because when I got off to Coke, was when I decided that was it. That I wasn't taking shit from these people no more. I wasn't taking those dumb answers from Comedy Central no more. I wasn't taking this shit. Everything I was going to do, I was going to do on my own.

I was going to control on my own. That I wasn't taking shit from nobody no more. I swear to God, that was how I left it. How long did you do cocaine at the store the whole time? Yeah, yeah, I was doing coke since 1979. Wow. When I got to the store, it wasn't the store. fault. I'm not one of those pussies.

It was already there and it's always going to be there. Right. You know what I'm saying? Wede's always going to be there. What do you think would have been different? What do you think would have, do you think anything would be different had you not done? If I wouldn't have done coke, I would have understood the game earlier. I wouldn't have been, when you're addicted to anything, you can't focus on what's in front of you. We've talked about

this a thousand times. I, you know, I see the difference now of having a baby without doing drugs and having a baby when I did drugs. It's two different loves. it's real this is real I'm so lucky because my two older brothers were way into cocaine and since like I said earlier they were 12 and 14 years older than me like I knew because

they would mess with me because I knew stuff young my mom would tell me stuff when I was like 12 and 13 you know I was like hey this is happening that's happening that's why that's happening because of cocaine so I never tried it because I realized very young that I've an addictive personality

so it always blows my mind to see how like prevalent cocaine is in comedy because it just seems such highs and lows. Like I can't imagine. It goes with the last. I can't imagine being able to do that. I mean, listen, bro. I'm already all coffee, cigarettes all day. I barely get one giant meal in, you know what I mean?

Because I already found things that, you know, coffee and cigarettes. And you love cigarettes. Right. And you tell you every day how bad they are. Right. And you still see fucking coffee. Well, I'm actually off. No, no.

I'm not here judging you. No, I know. I did the same thing for years. They could tell you to that, listen, the last thing I ever wanted to do, Tony, was ever put anything up my nose. Right. I dug fucking smoking pot. I could take a pill. The day I put something up my nose is the day my whole life changed.

And that was part of the deal I had to make with myself. Before I'm a comic, before I'm an actor, before I'm a tough guy, before I'm a faggot. I'm a fucking man. And this bullshit about rehab and pills and hugs and hug. this shit's got to end and this bullshit about this and then excuses this shit got to end I got to own up to who the fuck I am and I got to be a man that's so funny that the first my first place I was in a trial my manhood was at the comedy store once I had to live in my head and I was off coke for like a week I said I'm gonna go up to the comedy

store I'm gonna just see if I could act like a man and I went up there it was Marilyn Martinez's wake you know remember who that is yeah and as I got back there I saw Jeff Valdez eating the food back there talking to his friends laughing and giggling and I knew that Jeff had helped Maryland but Jeff Valdez had also tortured Maryland you know and I remember getting up on stage and seeing Jeff Valdez from the corner of my eye

and I couldn't even move forward and that's when I knew I was getting my man out back because that's how I got my reputation for fucking saying no Tony Hinch could stop right there fuck this movie fuck this shit fuck you motherfucker fuck you motherfuckers say something. I'll take this camera and bust it over your fucking head.

That's my problem. I'm fucking stupid. And I'm saying whatever the eulogy. And I look over and I see Jeff out there's giggling. I go, this is it. I go, Jeff, do me a favor. I'm going to finish this. I'm going to go get a drink. And when I walk off, I'm going to come in here. And if you're still in here, I'm going to knock the fuck out of you, your wife and your attorney. I don't know

where that came from. He started going back and forth me and I started calling him every fucking name in the book. I did exactly that. I hadn't been on Coke for like seven days, so I was about to kill somebody anyway. But I went in, I got a shot tequila, which I never really drank tequila. I was just proven my point of who I used to be before I got under drugs. And that's who I was.

I was fucking ruthless. Like I got into a fight totally, I'm not allowed at the Laurel Canyon Farmer's Market no more. Because I was sticking up for a security guard a couple weeks ago. These paparazzi were abusing them. And I put one in there. And I'm old school. If it's me and Tony Henker, there's eight motherfuckers. Tony, I'm coming in here.

better start swinging to it, these motherfuckers. We'll both be in the hospital, next bed to each other, but they ain't going to hit you. But they ain't going to hit you while I'm here. Okay? And you're not going to, they're going to hit me while you're here. So let's take two of these motherfuckers out. Let's get them stitched up. They're going to be in the hospital across from us.

We're going to wave at me. So I was going to say, that's so funny. I believe that. I pictured the same thing. And that's why I believe in you and I believed in me. When I went to that primity on that guys, I was sitting behind fucking De Niro. Me, Ari Shafir. my brother and my seventh grade teacher.

Wow. Who I stole his fucking keys in the seventh grade who became best friends. We're sitting behind the middle and I'm sitting there going. I was just a guy that used to go up at 1235 at the store. Nobody paid attention to it. Nobody talked to me. They talked to everybody else and they'd wave at me

because they thought I was a psycho because of the drugs or whatever. But ever since I became a man again, is what my career took off, you know? And always keep that in mind. Tony, you're a young guy. They're going to come blow smoke at you. And just remember what I'm telling you, those words. After it's absorbed, and go, ah, I'm still a man.

I'm not going to take nothing negative from these motherfuckers. I'm still not going to take nothing positive from these motherfuckers because they're blowing smoke up my fucking ass anyway. At the end of the week, when I go to Rouse and make for groceries, there ain't nobody there. Ain't nobody fucking there. You're there by yourself. You don't see Joey there. Let me buy them for you.

Go back there and get 10 more lobsters. Nobody's there saying that for you, right? Right. So fuck them all. You know, and that once I put that in my head was when I really got the balls to be a fucking comedian. So I had done comedy 13 years

when I grew balls. And that's why I like this because it's been a growing experience. It always is. And it seems like all the best ones like never stop. How does it? Like Dom Irera, for example.

Funny to everybody. You could see him for the first time and I have no idea who he is. You could walk in and not know him from anything and then all of a sudden, boom. Or you could know him, and he's destroying

you know it's being able to evolve and always wanting to learn and grow is something that very few comedians can get away with not having that people don't people won't keep going and watching your live shows if you

if you don't keep people gonna stop going to see your live shows yeah you know you're the cold of the month that's a reality that's a reality in life but you can't go out thinking that way you got to go out thinking this is my last fucking show. And I'm going to give them the best

show. And whether they put me in two weeks, and I'm here making fucking $1,500 a week or $1,200 a week, and I've got to bring my own plane ticket, I'm still going to give them the best show. If you keep thinking like that, instead of selling out, no matter what age, eventually the door's going to come knocking. And so what, look at Dice this year. They were talking about him from the

Academy Award. Ten years ago, they were throwing them off MTV. No matter. They were all going to put bumps in your fucking road. You got to tell them all to suck your dick. All of them. All of them. Go suck my fucking dick. How did Mr. Barone like the premiere? First of all, he told me he didn't think he was in the really go.

He thinks it was all the dream. So, you know, I'm sitting there thinking to myself, what the fuck? I'm no better than nobody else. But then again, nobody's fucking better than me. I'm right there standing with fucking De Niro. You know, when I moved here and somebody would come in that did movies into the store or TV, I thought that automatically made them a better comic. It really didn't.

They really didn't. And I never want people to think of that because I do movies. I'm a fucking good comic, and I work at it, and I write, and I try to fucking put my heart into it. And at the end of the week, Tony Hinchcliffe, that's the most fucking important thing. Because if you ain't got a heart, you see these motherfuckers that come here for the deal, and they come here to BQ because some... See it every single week.

And they lose it. Three years from now, they're gone. They're the big shots in their back in their little hometown somewhere, and fucking some schnooks of some town telling people how they used to hang out with Charles Brons. They can suck my dick. We're the ones that still here. And sometimes I feel down on myself. but I'm 50 and I'm still doing stand-up

What would I be doing? Mugging people, what the fuck would I be doing? Selling cars? What do you mean? Why would you be upset? I don't know. Sometimes I feel I should be on to the next level. I should be fucking a TV show,

fucking doing something stupid or something. And I'm like, you know what? This is the best job in the fucking world we have. Even podcasting. Just being able to come here and speak your fucking mind once in a week. Right.

Not of some dofy person telling you that they're in with me. card or direct or some assistants giggling. That's hysterical. Then the show gets canceled. These motherfuckers can't even get a laugh at the fucking place. What's the place in Los Feliz? Oh, UCB. Yeah, UCB. You know, they can't get a laugh at UCB. The fuck out of here.

You know what I'm saying? They're over at UCB trying to crack fucking funny. Suck my fucking dick. Talking about sucking my dick. Hulu Plus. If you want to get your dicks up and you bring a chick to your house and you got no fucking cable, no TV, what are you going to do? This is where Hulu Plus comes. And I've been telling you motherfuckers, we're going to keep them going, even next month. So if you don't want to do it now, do it next month,

but I advise you to do it now because you're going to be sitting out through a holiday, jingle. How many fucking times can you listen to fucking jingle bells? How many fucking times? So what I'm telling you is go to Huluplus.com, go to Joey Deer's. Go to the Huluplus banner, press in. Joey. In the fucking box. Let me tell you what you get.

You get two weeks on the arm, nothing, gratis. And after that, it's $7.99 a month. You know what that's like? That's $96 a fucking year. And you watch all your favorite shows. What's on there, what you tell them? Fucking family guys on there, the Daily Show. That's what I watch.

I watch the Daily Show on there. What else is on there? Tell me, Law & Order SVU. They got original programming. Listen, stop this shit. Huluplus.com off of Joeydeaes. Dot net. What are you pressing the box?

Joey. Joey, J-O-E-Y, two weeks on the arm, $96 fucking dollars a year. Where are you going to get that fucking shit? that nowhere and at hulu plus at hulu fucking plus backslash joey and you bring them over you watch original programming you seem

very interesting that you know about shit guess what they will suck your dick with pride all right you don't have to suck your dick they're crying they're unsure who needs that aggravation if you're gonna suck it grab it like a fuck anyway you get a lot of set and don't forget if you want to eat up pussy you don't like it harry dollar shave club bitch

dollar shave club i've been telling you about this how long three four fucking months this is it there's the last week, today, tomorrow, and fucking third, next Monday, you got Dollar Shave Club after that, you get fucking nothing. Again, what are they pressing the box? Church. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H.

Dollar Shave Club under Joey Diaz doc. I don't give a fuck what banner you go to. C-H-U-R-C. A dollar a month, $6 a month, and $9 a month. You get razors, you get the fucking stems, you get the fucking Gorilla Juice Biscuits, you get aloe on the

fucking razor. And I got to tell you, I go on the road with these fucking razors. Now I double check the showers. Like when I bring the $1.99 raises, I'm like, fucking leave it in there. Now I take my fucking dollar shave club razor. Go to Joey Deers.net. Go to the fucking dollar shave club box. Where they press in the box, go.

Joey. Joey. J-O-E-Y. Get either a dollar a month, $6 a month, or $9 fucking a month. That's $100 and what a year, $9 a month. Isn't it 8? 108. See what I'm saying?

That's how we fucking do it here at the church of what's happening now. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with some fucking novice here? at this time next year you'll be next time next week you'll be fucking sitting around with your family right now eating Christmas telling each other lies that's always a year I'm going back to school I'm thinking I got bees that the fuck you dumb fuck

you're out there snort and blow eating pussy you're fucking cuckers oh my god what the fuck Tony Hinchlow it's that time of the fucking year some of these people aren't watching this live because I didn't post it on there I told you I was going to do it at lunchtime I know fucking water bottle you should have seen

Waterbox this morning. Waterbox, we gotta have talk of Waterbox. He's on there. Joey, you're gonna do the podcast? Because I have to run today. Waterboxer, what the fuck? God's sucker. It's 5 in the morning. You sit there like a soldier at attention. You don't ask me fucking questions. You're the fucking, you're the voice between

me and the world and Twitter. Waterboxer's the man. He's the man, waterboxer. Waterboxer. Leone. Cleo. We got some badass motherfuckers. Brian O'Shea. We got the whole fucking party here today. Just what? Cleo and... Fuck.

What's the... Do you like? What's the name? Who? I'm too high right now. The Jew who always... There's the horrible things on Twitter. Jenny Friedman?

No, no, the guy. Nealius Samuels. Yeah. Nealius Samuels called him to me and Agostina's podcast. Yeah. On Thursday. Come on. On Thursday.

life you follow neelius samuels he's fucking crude he's real and he fucking brings it dog there sometimes i look at his shit and he says some wild he takes pictures of himself with dick shooting fucking smart and blow and pictures of blow i love him i love him to these the last little real fucking jews his uncle stabbed jesus right in the fucking heart you dirty cuck sucker that's a real jew i got to roast gilbert godfreyed a few weeks ago at the toronto dark comedy fest and i have one of my jokes on him that uh i'm i was excited about my buddy Benji helped me out with this one because it's like three roast jokes in one but so now I've now I've overhyped it so it's not going to be that funny but I got the opportunity you know I love

roast in and that that thing so I got the opportunity to sit up there with Gilbert Godfried so anyway what I said was Gilbert you're so old short and Jewish that you needed to use a footstool to drive and nail through Jesus's ankle it's three insults in one I love it old short and Jewish and he was dying, I was looking back at him after each setup, because I said it really slow. I go, Gilbert, and he's already like, because he gets into it, you know, he can take it. I go, you're so old, and he starts dying short and Jewish. Like, and it's just like really built up. It was amazing.

One of the highlights of my life goodness that they make fun of Gilbert Godfried in front of a beater in Toronto. Poor fucking Gilbert, you know what I'm saying? You're torturing the motherfucker. What else, Lee? What's the story? Tell the people what you want to tell me? Do we want to talk about Christmas yet or not yet? No, you want to talk about it after Christmas.

Yeah, you want to talk about it now. All right. So for everyone who wants to come, we're going to see Grudge Match at 720 at the North Hollywood Lemley. If you go to their website, just type in NoHo Lemley and you can buy the tickets right there. Buy them quick because they only have seven theaters, so they're not going to add a theater to it. So it's in one theater at 720, North Hollywood Lemley, come up. We'll have fun. We're going to meet at 630.

We're going to fucking smoke. on Lancashim and blow fucking pot smoke. There's going to be a helicopter over fucking loom. It's going to be the best premiere you've ever been to, and the flying Jew and myself are going to fucking be there with you to watch the fucking movie, and that's it. That's how we do it, all right? I went to the premiere Monday with all the fucking stars and all that shit.

You know what? This is the only premiere where you motherfuckers are going to be the star. Then, December 31st, the CD, you can't eat pussy with fucking asthma, and the pre-release party up there at the fucking John Lovitz. 8 o'clock. by fucking 10 o'clock, you go do whatever the fuck you want. Jump up and down, get drunk, do ecstasy.

I don't give a fuck, because I'll be in bed by a quarter to 11, my goddamn self. And the last thing for me, please listen, and thank you for listening to Flying 2 Radio. It's a new podcast I've been doing with Agostino. And we have people calling in, and we're having our first guest call in tomorrow. So it's pretty... Who's your first guest? I think it's Agostino's sister, actually, because he found out at the end of the last week that he was homeschooled. So I just want to talk to people about that.

it's been pretty interesting. Went to your homeschool? Huh? No. I thought you got in the head with a fucking rule as yourself. Look at you. They still sent me to school. But yeah, please listen to that. We do. We're going to do it tomorrow at noon on

my Eastery. All right, let's see if we covered everything. We covered sons. Yeah, man. That's it. I don't know what else to tell you, fucking Pete. It's a beautiful Wednesday afternoon and you spent it with us. What about you? You have a podcast, Tony, right?

Tony's got a fucking. I'm going to get you on it. It's called Kill Tony. On Monday nights. Yeah. Is it on Ustream Monday nights? It's not live on Ustream. They can't get the Wi-Fi to work in that haunted concrete building.

But you can catch it live. It sells out every single Monday night. We've been filling it up. Monday nights are insane now at the comedy store. It's why I know you're not going to come. It's you at 8 o'clock and then it's the ding-dong show. Yeah, the ding-dong show comes on at 10. And you just had one of Joey's favorite guys that you had Russell.

Peter's on. Russell Peters. I had... I know, that's what I mean. I had Russell. I had Jimmy Schubert on. I've had a lot on Doug Benson and Mark Maren. It headlined the L.A. Podfest.

It's crazy. You know what happens is I go down to the open mic people because there's an open mic in the OAR between, you know, seven and eight. They sign up, Babidi-Bah. I go out there when they're all signing up and I make an announcement and I tell them who's on the show and I tell them the concept of the show. They all sign up. And if you're in the room, I pull your name up.

of a bucket, you come up and you do one minute of stand-up comedy. And me and whoever my two guests are, punch it up or try to talk about the premises and what we would have said, like, it's just a slaughter fest. It's all laughs because all of a sudden you get to talk to the

person, you get to goof around, this and that, about, you know, and it talks, it teaches you basically how to create great jokes and like stand-up comedy sort of. It's like an inside, you get to see your favorite comedian's senses of humor by like what their input is. and it's so much fun on so many different levels.

I've got so many young comics thanking me. Hey, that bit I did is now two minutes long. It's so cool. Thank you. It's like very rewarding. And people are loving it. And it's called Kill Tony. It's on the Death Squad Network.

You can check out a live show at the Comedy Store on Mondays. You do it live, only right? Yeah. That's a good concept. That's very good. I thought you did it like Tuesdays in the studio or something. No, it packs up every single one. They pack.

We had a record 44 comedians sign up on Monday. night for the opportunity to do one minute. And I only get through about 12 or 13 or 14 or 15 of them. But we have two regular girls that go on at the end of every episode that started there. So they do it. You fired Sarah? Yeah. She's gone.

Yeah. What podcast does she go to that? Oh, I don't know. She's, she's busy. She had a rival podcast. I'm sure she'll figure out. She's packing it up. She's taking it back to Flappers and told them.

Well, Flappers is already, they stole the ice. She went back and told them about, about what she did. And then they go, oh, that's a great idea. Tell us more. And then the next week, they debuted their own version of it.

I'm pretty sure they're still doing it, but who the fuck cares or who knows? Who wants to listen to their input? Well, they don't have Iron Patriot. Who's that guy? And my co-host is a robot and a $5,000 iron man suit. It's badass motherfucker.

You would dig it the most. I look at him because he, like, I've seen it and I looked at him on Twitter. He puts pictures up of like he's an extra or something. And he's like, try to find me in this and I got I was high after this one day. I'm like, why is this comedian?

Is he a comedian? Like I just, I'm like an Iron Man suit. He's not a comedian whatsoever. And he talks out of his chest. So great. Our chemistry is amazing because he's not a comedian. He's not a comedian.

He's like Man Lee. Yeah. He's a normal guy. Yeah. So you know what you got with him. Yeah, you don't know, you know.

So it's amazing. I thought Red Band was your co-host. Well, he sits in. He sits in. And yeah, he's, you know,

he's a huge part of it. But, you know, He's really like, you know, he's the man. He's there on sound effects. He's keeping everything rolling. He's great on tone. He keeps me in check when it's getting too serious or, you know what I mean?

Like he keeps me lighthearted. We have a good thing. I sometimes lately, I've just been setting them up for stuff like this, there's a part where, you know, they know that the 60 seconds is up, the comedian because they hear the sound of a kitty cat. Like it goes like, rea, reo, instead of a light, you know, it's like, no. that's 60 seconds, you've got to stop there. But normally people will be like at the end of a joke.

We have a thing where don't run the kitty cat sound or else you're going to hear this angry bear. And it's very loud. I mean, it's a hilarious. And it comes over with loudspeakers, you know, and the place is packed. So they're always very excited to see if the person will wrap up right away because seriously if they're like,

and then I went into the store and it was like, but I was like, and you could tell they're right about to get to their punchline and just you can't hear. You got to, I'm going to do one at the Ice House soon and I'm going to get you and Rogan wants to do it. So you guys will be my two guests. I just got to get the date locked down. It's going to be huge and awesome. And I'll pre-book comedians because the leverage I have the store is so many up-and-coming comics, you know, are signing up for that open mic.

So, but I'll book one special for the Ice House like I did for the L.A. Podfest. I'm fucking happy. You'll love it. Because you love stand-up comedy and that's what makes it great is it takes you right to the root of, you know. And then we talk about, you know. know how you started and everything you remember any bad jokes that you had when you very first started fuck yeah i still remember bad jokes i got now never mind when you start you don't have to go back that fucking deep well here you go cuck-suckers

so we're back here friday and next monday and then it's it till fucking january of 2014 lees going back to boston with the wife to introduce it to the jews it's all over either he's out of the will most likely oh he's fucking back I love you guys. Thank you. Real quick. If it's okay. I'm going to be in Texas, January 9th, 10th, and 11th.

Go to Death Squad. tv for those dates. Sorry about that. 910th, 11, Texas, Houston, Dallas, and Austin. Beautiful. You're doing that with Red Band? Yeah. Okay.

Right, right. He was telling me about it. We're doing it in February. We're doing a podcast tour. Awesome. We'll be down there in February with the flying motherfucking Jew. All right, cock suckers. Don't forget.

Give Anit love over the holiday. Give Hulu Plus love and give fucking Dollar. Shave Club love. To be honest to you, they give you dumb bastards love because they fucking take care of you. And that's it. I want to thank Tony Hinchcliff for coming in, my main man fucking, uh, the flying Jew, Lee Syatt. Don't forget to listen to the podcast. And I love you, Coxuckers, the CD December 31st in the release party at John Lovett. Stay black coxuckers. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus.

Hulu Plus let you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, Smart, phone or tablet, support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Huluplus when you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey or go to Joey Diaz.net and click on the Huluplus banner. And don't forget to sign up for Dollar ShaveClub.com.

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