The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #122 | JIM FLORENTINE | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: December 8, 2021

Welcome to The JOINT..... It's Wednesday, December 8th..... Today we talked with the Great, JIM FLORENTINE! Check out Jim's New Comedy Special coming to his YouTube page on Monday, December 13th called "BITE THE BULLET", link below!!! https://youtube.com/c/JimFlorentineComedy This episode is brought to you by Liquid I.V., DraftKings & CBD Lion….. Go to https://www.Liquid-IV.com Use JOEY at checkout for 25% OFF! Download the DraftKings SportsBook App & Enter Code: JOEY https://www.DraftKings.com/sportsbook to receive $100 in Free Bets when you Bet $1 on any Football Game…. Go to https://www.cbdlion.com Use Promo Code: JOEY For 20% OFF Your Order! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #JimFlorentine #BiteTheBullet The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Ep. 65 - https://youtu.be/TfKCC9L6978 Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

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I'm a little discombobulated today. Don't get fucking married sometimes. Huh? Don't get married, guys, because it's a fucking beauty from time to time. But it's a beautiful day to be alive, man. Our guest today is Jimmy Florentine. We're going to talk about this new comedy special that's getting released on Monday. You know, I moved here last fucking year, and I become friends with Jimmy,

and I'm a big fan of his in more ways than one. Jimmy Florentine's a single dad, you know. He fucking... He has this kid a couple days a week that's something I could never do in my life. When I see what Jimmy does and he's got to deal with an ex-wife, which is very tough, two families,

it takes a lot away from me. When I look at Jimmy, I think about my family when I was younger. Not my family today, but I think about my ex-wife and my ex-daughter, because she is my ex-daughter. Why am I going to say daughter for?

But it's just really funny how it's a hard combination. It was hard for me to be married and to do comedy. Somebody's always suffering. You know, I'm always missing a gig or my wife is missing me on a Sunday or Friday or a Thursday. Somebody always fucking suffering. Now, think of having, like a divorce, like for me, guys,

listen, when I got separated, I can handle the little stuff. But once I was separated for four years and I realized how much work went into it, calling back and forth fucking going back and forth with attorneys if you ever had to deal with an attorney you know that's a fucking nightmare also I don't wish it on anybody but once the divorce

is over and you get your child and you make dates to get your... That's a fucking nightmare too because now you're stuck with those things you know every week like you either have your child Monday through Wednesday or Wednesday through fucking Sunday

or Thursday Friday Saturday so you can't work on those days when you have a child unless you have a fucking huge family i didn't have those i didn't have a huge family or anybody to fucking help so for me when i see like jim florentine or josh wolf you know josh wolf for years i was doing comedy in the early 2000s josh was one of my best friends and i sat there as he couldn't do anything you know he couldn't go on the road like i did he could do spots during a week and stuff like that but he was busy raising a family and i would see what the sacrifices he would fucking make every week and i had so much respect for josh you know even till today i love

josh with all my fucking heart because i know what he sacrificed he raised three kids two that wasn't his and at the same time did comedy at the same time so you know made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches we used to deliver to keep his fucking his family you know fed you know i look at somebody like jimmy that gets concert tickets thrown at him because he worked on the metal show for all those years he's on eyes he's bone yard he you know he's doing all these things to put a life together and on top of that you got to do fucking comedy you got to have comedy in there and get on a plane and call and miss games and you know what man he does it like it's second fucking nature so I respect those guys with all my heart.

You know what? I can never do it. At least I'm fucking honest. The first time I got to call my ex-wife and, you know, argue, not argue, but just talk about it because it always becomes a fucking argument. Just to call them up and say, listen, do you mind Thursday if you drop them off at two instead of three? Oh my God, why? How come, you know, I have plans?

It's a fucking nightmare. Just being in that situation, if anybody's in that, anybody has a base. baby's mama. It's fucking rough. It's rough, man. You know, I love my wife. I really do love my wife. You know, we all love our wives. If you're a woman, you love your husband. I'm sure you want to kill them from time to time. You know, I want to stab my wife once a week, whatever. But I'll tell you what, man. This is why I've held on to my wife for so long. I got to be honest with it. I was very picky. After my divorce, I got beat up so bad. If you've never been to a fucking divorce,

it's, it's mind-boggling on you. You know, besides losing your furniture, losing your money, having to sleep on a floor for fucking a year or two to get back.

I mean, listen, don't get me wrong. I'm always for your happiness. You know, sometimes we get married for fucking all the wrong reasons. We get married too quickly. You know, it took me nine years to marry, poor fucking Terry. And I knew,

after five years that she was my wife, but it took me another four years to do it because it had fucking destroyed me so long. I was so fucking anti-marriage. I was anti-everything. You know, one thing I don't like telling you guys, and like I said, the only way for me to make a podcast work

is to come around here and lay everything on the fucking table. For me, that's the best way to make a podcast fucking work. It's honesty. You could have lights, I can have people popping up here while I'm talking. I can have all these smoking mirrors. But the only smoking mirror you can't add to a podcast is fucking honesty, which a lot of people don't do.

I remember before Mercy was born, maybe three months before she was born. I was at a restaurant called a habit with my wife. I don't want to drink our mic for all these people's ears, you know. These half of fucking fruitcakes will email me for a week now. You drank water during, in my ear. You busted my ear. my fucking earphone. For all you guys, I think I got lice and shit,

I don't have lice. I got a dry fucking forehead from the sun hitting it. I'm losing all my hair, so the sun hits it. So I get little fucking sun tans on my ball scalp. If you look at my head from behind, it's just three or four hairs left. I'm just holding out for dear life. I don't give a fuck.

I don't give a fuck if I look like Benjamin Franklin or whatever. I'm just telling you guys, when I scratch, I got no lice. It's just that fucking my head is itchy from having a dry scalp. I've used head and shoulders. That shit don't work. If you could see, I got no fucking dandruff. That's why I always wear something black

because I want to check out, you know, does this fucking guy have dandruff? But no, I got a nice conditioner for my hair anyway. But, you know, when I got separated and I went through that shit towards 1990, I said, this wasn't me. I'm not working towards anything. At least, you know, I knew that.

I knew I wanted to be her father, but I knew I never be her father like I wanted to. So all that shit with kids and stuff, I would have got, listen, I would have married you, but I don't want no fucking kids. But about three months before Mercy was born, we were at, we were at the habit. And we were just talking about things. And I had something that was bothering me. I looked at my wife, Terry, and I go, listen, Terry, I got burned so bad about my first kid and my wife. I don't know.

I mean, I can't believe I said this to my wife. I'm telling you guys. so you know where my head was at. Even while she was pregnant, I was a little standoffish. I was like, well, I'm going to make her happy. But how happy am I going to be with a fucking kid? You know, like, do I want to go through this again?

What if she doesn't like me after she has the kid? Is she going to yank her again? Am I not going to, am I going to be an O for two fucking dad? Is this going to be the fucking case? Am I just the fucking kiss of death with dads? So I said to her once, and the thing I go, when this baby's born, I really want to keep it to a minimum.

I want to be her father, but I don't know if I could deal with all that again. She got really upset, and, you know, she told me that night that she'd never expect me to say something like that. But that's what my head was. I didn't mean it from any, my heart or anything. I've always loved fucking kids.

I just didn't know that's how hard my first marriage was on me. That I didn't know how I was even going to fucking handle that. But, you know, as soon as that child was born, I took a look at that child, And I was like, fuck, I got a strap a fucking pair on and be the best I could be. And look, she's about to be nine in January. And I'm very proud of myself that I've kept it together, that I've been a good dad. I've actually read articles on how the parent, something that I thought was fucking faggots.

Who needs to read a book on parenting? I even read a book on night. I read a bunch of articles on being a father to a daughter, you know, what to expect. I just wanted the boundaries to be correctly. And I would have done the same thing if I would have a boy. It wouldn't have mattered to me. You know, I wanted to get away from that old parenting to how my mother fucking raised me with her parenting.

She parented me okay. You know, she did a good job, but not the best job. I wanted to do the best job. And I feel now that all that fear I had was getting married and all. It was just from getting blindsided on my divorce. But, you know what, nine years later, 21 years later, you know, nine years from my daughter, 21 years of us being together,

and 12 years of us being our anniversary for being married, you know, we're still here, and I'm doing great, and I'm a great dad, and I'm really fucking happy about that. I was a great husband the first time I got married, and I was a great dad. I just didn't have a fucking chance. The first time I got married, I wasn't ready. You know, you're never fucking ready.

That's why when people get married and they're 20, you're like, what the fuck of these? knuckleheads doing and some of them make it work me it didn't work for me it took two marriages for me to make it work but i'm fucking happy but when i see somebody like jimmy that's doing such a great job with his son he's doing comedy he's parenting he works he's got a family it just uh let you know how proud i am of jimmy and uh how let down i am by myself that i couldn't fucking do that you know trust me i don't want to get divorced i don't want to learn how to be a single day I don't want to do that.

I couldn't handle it. But it's great to know that I got a second chance of being a dead, and I covered the fucking spread, you know. So with that further fucking ado, I'm feeling good. I'm looking good, smoking, you know what I'm saying? I'm off the fucking taper on Saturday. It all ends. I did a great job on it.

No cheats. I'm tipped up for motherfucking McGoo. What else can I say? Now it's time for Jimmy Florentine. Stay black. I love you, cock suckers. What's happening, Jimmy Florentine? Going on.

Zooming from six houses away. Fuck it. We got to watch the fucking COVID. What's happened? It's that and plus we both know what we're doing technically. No. It's easier this way. If I had to put two mics up and cameras and shit,

it'd be all over but the shouting. It'd be like that little rascals when the soundboard blew up. What the dude with the afro and the hat? kept going fucking tremendous. How are you today, my friend? I'm good, man. Everything is good. Great game last night.

Double header. The kids played great championship. It's great to do things like that on a Monday night, just to do something different, you know? Yeah, my kid playing basketball. It's great. It's great just watching your kids play. I know your daughter play softball, too.

It's fungust going to the games and hanging out as a parent. Yeah, you go. You talk to the other parents. God fucking knows what they do. they lose their mind a little bit but last night I had the night from fucking hell so I leave you I come home

my wife text me she says you're gonna run a little late because the girls are still practicing I go on no problem I go in the kitchen I get my chicken cutlets and my mashed potato and I'm sitting at the kitchen table and I hear meow meow meow meow meow and I'm like great it's gonna be all right

you know that's it great it's gonna be fine I didn't know where the fuck she was. I thought she was under the dinner table where her bowl is. So I'm like, I didn't even look. I go to fucking put the dish in the sink, and I hear meowing. And I'm looking out of the cabinets. I'm looking under the sink. I'm looking into tea cabinets.

I can't find this fucking cat. I opened up the refrigerator because I had a cat that went into the refrigerator once and was in there for like two hours meowing and shit. I'm sitting there and I'm hearing me meow. I open up the refrigerator. He comes walking out. Like, how you doing it? It was just a minute there.

Fucking how old. hilarious this cat. So I open up the fucking two doors of refrigerator, no cat, I open up to freeze and no cat. And I'm like, where the fuck is this cat? And I hear meow, meow, meow. And I go behind the refrigerator and I see that there's a can of, he fucking fell.

She's one of these nosy motherfuckers that likes to walk around and she felt. So my wife wasn't home. So I had to pull the fucking refrigerator out. By myself, I had to fucking pull it out like Tarzan. And then she wouldn't jump on the fucking. fucking counter. So I'm telling you, I had to go to the chiropractor this morning. Get her out on the counter. She's

fucking me on. I had to push the refrigerator back. What a fucking night, man. It never ends at the Diaz residence, but I love it. That was my fucking night. I know I got a text from you because you were going to come over a much Monday night football. Like the cat stuck behind your refrigerator, I'm probably going to have to

pass. You couldn't fucking believe that. Like, I just couldn't have. 20 minutes I'm looking for this fucking cat. 20 minutes, I'm hearing meows. I'm thinking that fucking maybe I eat one too many edibles the night before. You know, you never fucking know, man. You never goddamn know. How was the game last night?

I didn't even catch like three minutes of it. It was a good game. I mean, they just, you know, the Patriots only threw three passes the whole game. The quarterback was two for three for 16 yards. And they handed off like 47 times. It was fucking freezing up there in Buffalo, New York. And the wind was crazy. So it was tough to pass.

and Belichick just said, we're just going to keep running it. I got to tell you, I almost moved to Buffalo for a split second. I was thinking about Buffalo. Then I thought about the fucking winters. And I'm like, nah,

that's real up there. And now, even this, everybody's complaining about social climate that's changing. That shit never changes in Buffalo. If you like penguins, that's the fucking place to be.

That's it. That shit gets cold up there. If you've seen a movie Buffalo 66, you never want to move there. it's a great movie when he goes home and shit I love that movie

where the fuck is Vincent Gallo did he just fucking get himself out of Hollywood or something I think so because he didn't care like he was doing a thing

on his website where for like like five grand or 10 grand I forget what the number was he'll fly to another country and you could fuck him like for women

like if you want to fuck me and I'll come to France but you've got to give me a first class ticket and like 10 grand it was on his website he was advertising I'm like, that's great.

That's tremendous. I know. No wonder that guy is not in the business no more. That's fucking crazy. He was a great actor. He was a great writer. That guy was just one of those forces. But I don't think, you know, people can't deal with that shit on a set for the long.

He was in Hollywood. Like, he went on Howard Stern and talked about Buffalo 66. And just the stuff he was saying, he wished cancer on Roger Ebert. Remember Siskel and Ebrook, what a movie critics? They said it was like, the Brown. Bunny, that movie made was the worst movie ever in film history. He's like, I want cancer on you so bad. He's saying on the radio, he said,

Christina Ricci. All she did was eat pizzas on the set. We were over budget because all the food she was eating. It was Greg. He was definitely not made for Hollywood. No, some people are not. He's definitely not. I haven't seen him in years.

Years I haven't seen that fucking dude. I don't know what happened to him. Him, I'll tell you who's gone. I didn't think he was gone. That fucking great little actor. he got canceled for beating up his girlfriend, and he denied it, whatever his name is, the crazy fucking guy that wasn't that movie

with Brad Pitt with the tank. He used to... No, he grew up at the comedy store, doing stand-up. His father was a biker, and they used to take him to the comedy store when he was like seven or eight. Really good fucking actor.

I forget, what's going on in your world, brother? Fuck the acting. Yeah, not much, man. I got, you know, a comedy special coming out. I'm excited. You know, it took like two, two and a half years. to do. You know, you work that material. And then when you're done with it, you're done with it. You dump it off and you start from scratch again.

It's crazy how the special industry works. You know, when we were coming up in comedy, it was real hard to get a fucking special. You got like two specials a year. And then five years ago, everybody was doing fucking specials. And now Netflix is tightened their asshole. They're not going to hire anybody crazy, you know. And so the alternative for people who don't know, is sometimes to just shoot your own special guys. At the end of the day, it's the best fucking thing you'll do. As long as you keep the cost low, your Hollywood agents will tell you that your special cost,

it needs to cost $300,000 to $400,000 for you to sell it. And nine out of ten times you won't fucking sell it. So there you're stuck with this, and you told your mother to refinance the house because you had a lock, and now you're stuck with this special. And I'll tell you, the way to do it is maybe spend a couple grand, put it on YouTube, charge a couple dollars for it, and you'll be better off.

You have peace of mind. Unless you're one of the big guys, and they're going to tell you everything you do is fantastic. We love that joke. You know, they tell you everything, unless you're one of the big guys, you know. But the way to really go to really blow up now, I'm just looking at what Shane did.

Shane Gillis. Shane Gillis, just putting a special on YouTube and let the fucking piece of it. for where they make. Get it monetized. You'll make a couple dollars and let everybody see it. You'll get a million people on there. You know, $5. People don't give a fuck. People know we're trying to put life together. So $5 are going to make nobody or break nobody. So it's good. Yeah, you do like, you know, put donations underneath people. Yeah, donations just because you put it out there for free. Everybody watches stuff on their phone anyway. It's better to own it and you're

going to get more views and eyes on your special if you put it for free on. You don't. whether behind the Amazon Prime Papewall, which like three of my standard specials are back there. You know, so I don't know how many people rent it or buy it, but for free on YouTube, you're going to get a lot more people watching it. And that's ultimately what you want. And if you shoot it low, low cost like I did, got a good deal and done it. It's all good. And you want to own your stuff. You want to own your material because you never know down the road if you could resell it, whatever, you know, royalties and all of that stuff. I know you had some problem with an old special. It's better, like, looking back, we didn't know at that time to own your stuff.

We didn't, you didn't have the balls to do it. But now it's like, why would you let anyone else own your stuff at all? There's no reason. Unless you get Netflix and they go, hey, we're going to give you a $5 million for a special. Of course, you go, no problem. You're getting me $5 million. I'll come up with another hour on material.

Quick. For $5 million, I'll give you a fucking, I'll give you an hour in two weeks. I'll say shit you never fucking heard before. I'll speak in tongues. I'll kill the chicken. At this point, I don't give a fuck, but it's, I really like what's going on right now.

I really enjoy this. Even if I'm not doing comedy, I'm happy for the comic, because the comic doesn't need to depend on Hollywood anymore. You're seeing this. They don't even want us in Hollywood anymore because one night we might go out and swap spit with a chubby chick,

and then, you know, she's going to say it was sexual harassment. So half those people don't want to be in business with us anymore. So now we have to do everything. everything from A to Z. And I'll tell you, I want to thank the pioneers that were, you know, Shane Gillis, people before that, Rich Voss yourself, you know, you took matters into your own hands. Hollywood's not going to help you.

I'm telling you, I love when people like, have you been on an audition lately? And they're like, nah, I'm like, have you stayed on your agent? Nah, I really don't call them. What the fuck do you expect? That's why you only get three goddamn auditions a year. So you always got to be bothered. There's nothing like being in somebody else's hands. to help you.

And with comedy, you could just help yourself now. From shooting specials to doing podcasts. I was telling somebody that I go, I'm waiting for, I shot 30 podcast, and I'm waiting for a network to pick you up. Well,

you might as well wait until fucking San Giro's day because nobody's going to pick you up. Just shoot it and put it out yourself on YouTube and cut the drama. These people think that everybody's going to rewrite the podcast. Oh, my podcast is going to be great. I'm going to have smoke and mirrors. Listen, people want to download them,

listen to fucking work. If you think they're sitting there watching your light fires and shit, they'll do that at night. They don't give a fuck. But the point is, comics have the world by the ball. You don't need nobody anymore. It's great.

Actually, Louis is the one who really started it. Louis, yeah. Charging $5 for a speciality shot at like the Beacon Theater. Just on my website gets to maybe five bucks, so I don't want you to steal it. You could just get, you know, please don't steal, just pay five bucks. And he really started that whole movement of just owning your thing.

And putting it out yourself. Like I know Jim Brewer's got a new comedy special out. He's got it on his Patreon page where if you're a Patreon member, you can watch it. Right now. Be yourself and be your own boss. Like at this point in our career is like, why the fuck do we want to listen to anybody? You know, that's why we got into comedy not to listen to anybody, not to have a boss, not to have a day job. Not to do a lot of days.

So now we're at the point where you don't have to listen to anybody. It's fucking great. You know, I'm just happy. I got ripped off. a ton. We all did. You know, they pay you five cents a minute, you get your album, and then they fucking release it, and then they don't

tell you where it's getting released, and they don't have accounting, and we don't get a dime. I got ripped off close to ten times in my fucking life over stupidity that looking back now, I should have just shot it myself, I would have got more traction, and I would have had the main thing that you said. You own it,

and you control it. Look at Motley crew. They sold their fucking body of work last week for $135 million. You won't see those motherfuckers no more. The guy is almost dead. The guitarist, he's like weekend at Bernice. They just brought him with like a mask on.

He don't even talk no more. They put his hand up. They picked his hand up. They put a check in there and they fucking wield them away. I mean, you'll never see them anymore. That's it. They cashed in the check. If that chubby little singer fell off the stage

a month ago before that $1.35 million, wait till you see him next time, dog. That dude's just going to fall in the hospital and they're just going to fly them to Columbia and end it. That's all they need to do with them. Just put them in a hotel and Cartagena. Give them some blow, give them some cocktails, and he's fucking done little chubby singer.

It's amazing, though. A lot of the artists are doing that yet. So they're going to get like $35 million apiece between the four guys. Why wouldn't you take that deal? You know, you don't want, a lot of these got, the old artists are selling their catalog, you know, for whatever money, for millions or whatever, because they don't want their estate or,

their kids to be in this mess 10, 15 years from that when they're gone. We're all these companies, you know, record labels screwing with them and like, I forget it. It's going to be too much aggravation. They'd rather sell a catalog now for a lump sum D. Snyder from Twisted Sister just did it. But Bob Dylan did it. Bob Dylan, Stevie Nix did it. Yeah.

So now there's no problem in that, you know, when they're dead and gone for their family members, whoever they want to set up their kids. This is the money. and that's all you're getting. No more money is coming in because I sold all that, which makes it easier for them later on life. Yeah, it's really crazy with all the things that people are fucking doing now, especially comics that way.

Have you really wanted a job as a comic? You have the world by the balls. I know for a fact, Brian Morton at the New York Comedy Club, when he got that job, the first thing he did was install cameras at the comedy club. So comics could have their set. That's very fucking big. Remember when somebody called you and said, hey,

I'll hire you for the fucking funny bone in Virginia, but you got to have a set, a tape, and you're like, I don't have a fucking tape. And then you got to make a tape. So you got to hire somebody for the small 50 to follow you around.

He's a fucking painy ass. He smells like a Billy goat. You got to put him in the back of the club. He's a fucking nightmare. He gets there late. So, and then he tapes, and then somebody,

the set is rocking. You're seeing money. And also in some, lady fucking heckles you and now you got to tape a whole other fucking set not with this you just go to Brian Morton's five nights in a row and you got yourself a 20 minutes set

by fucking Friday and it's great I think that's a fucking great idea if I ever got into comedy again I wrote the things that I would do differently and I'd really like to tape every fucking set and watch it I never did that I couldn't stand

them I it's tough looking at yourself right I can't stand the sound or the look of me. It disgusts me. So I want to do that again. I think that's a real way to really progress in your comedy fast. Like you get good fast by watching your tapes rewrite. I didn't do that shit. I would watch the big tapes, but during the week, those are the tapes you need to watch

when you're working on that material to see where your hand gestures go, things like that, you know, whatever. Yeah, no, you're right. I mean, look, everybody, you know, yeah, at the New York Comedy Club, you could cut those clips up, put it on your Instagram, build a follow them like that, you put some funny clips out there, you know, and that's what the comics are doing. It's great that you could just promote yourself and don't have to worry about the industry. Comedy Central wants nothing to do with you. And you don't want nothing to do with them, on the other hand.

You don't want nothing to do with Comedy Central. What are they going to do? Put you on South Park? What are they going to do now? They got nothing fucking left over there. They've been making bad fucking decisions for 20 years. Now they're left with nothing. Even Daniel Tosh abandoned shit.

What do they left with? Crank anchors? Yeah, cranky anchors. They did bring that back. Yeah, they brought it back because they got nothing else. Thank God. Thank God. You get to make a little dough because they're being fucking lazy,

cocksuckers that they are. I mean, where would you shoot a special now with, right now in the next two years on Netflix? You're going to see comic specials that you never heard of. Yeah, they're going to have. their chapels and their fucking uh philippes and the tom saguarez and all that the burq crisis obviously they're doing a comedy uh festival in l-a myself and jim have not been invited who gives a fuck you know i'm saying i wonder why i wonder why you know i don't i never really when they had it

last year they reached out and they were like this is the number with the figure fuck you i know what the figure is you want to take that off the top nah just so I can be in your festival first off last time I checked it's my fucking festival you know what I'm saying this the Joey Dia's fucking festival and you guys are out with your fucking hand out I Jim got to the point that I couldn't even

deal with it anymore like that the shit that they come up with I'm like I can't I don't even know what you're talking about I'd rather sit home and fucking rot the death than put up with these fucking communistic rules Stand-up was for fucking gangsters That didn't want to do shit That's what stand-up is about

Stand-up is for fucking Lenny Bruce When I read that book That was who the fuck I was I wanted to sling dick Do coke and do comedy Things change You can't do coke forever You get a family

So then you gotta move on Do I still want to do stand-up? I don't fucking know right now But I know I don't want to get In on a big situation ever again I'm gonna just do small things I like small things It's more intimate

I see these arenas. I've never seen anything good at a fucking arena. You know? Like, I've never felt great at an arena. I like theaters. I like intimate settings, you know, but the stand-ups 200 seats is no money, you know. We've got to expand our fucking horizons.

But who gives us shit? Yeah. You excited about this special, buddy? Yeah, I'm excited, man, because it's been a while and yeah just get rid of it and i love working on a whole new set and starting from scratch i always like that yeah i'm out there i'm going to this open mic i'm going here i'm going there i'm just working on and building and it's starting to build you know little little by little but i like that i need to be creative i need to do something i need to put something out there

and just work the mind i just can't do the same set over and over again and the same whatever so i get To me, it motivates me. It's tough to see a comic one year, and then you go see him 18 months later, and he does the same material. It drives me crazy. And then they'll complain to you after the show. Nothing's happening for me.

You still got that fucking violin joke from 20 fucking years ago. That's not helping your cause guy. You got to switch it up a little bit. People see that. You have to stay. I mean, for me, I got like 90 days with a fucking joke.

And then I got to do something with it. I can't keep going up there saying the same fucking joke. You had a tag, say it backwards. That's how I do it. And then you get more stuff when you change the joke up anyway. Yeah. But that shit of keeping your material, like it's a museum, I can't do that. No, I get bored with it.

And the crowd can sense you're bored with it because you're not giving it the same delivery you did in the beginning. And I could tell all of a sudden it slowly stops working. You know, the jokes are working really well. So it's like, all right, I got to put them on the shelf. for a while. Well, that's where music comes up. Like, we go see Ozzy I was born tomorrow.

He's going to do paranoid. He's going to do war pigs. The gift that those guys have is making that song sound, like it's the first time they're playing. And that's the same gift that we have is comics. You've got to go out there. It's fucking mind-boggling when you see a comic destroy, even improvise.

And then you come back and see them. two nights later and he's doing the exact same material, the improv, he sold me that this was the first time he said this joke. It's fucking brilliant, you know, so there's a way of doing it, but after a while when you say that joke over and over, you lose enthusiasm over it. You just, you know, really lose it. And the audience doesn't really want to hear the same material twice,

like unlike a band where they only want to hear, they'll go to the bathroom on the new song off the Van Halen record they'll like I don't want to hear this I don't know this that's when they'll go get a beer as a as a comic you hear they hear the same set like I already know those jokes yeah I heard them already

which is good and bad for us it makes us work harder you know but then again you know a band knows they can play Madison Square Garden Journey and play 15 of their hits and every song is going to go over they already know that going in

yeah I can't as a comic myself, before I got into, I always tell people I never really saw live comedy, which I wasn't. I wasn't a fan of live comedy. I wasn't a fan of anything. I was a fan of doing Coke and watching bands and getting my dick sucked.

I was never a fan of nothing. And a buddy of mine won tickets for that comic from Boston like, you know, maybe a year before I got locked up. And I went to see him. And he was funny. I laughed my ass off. And I remember three years later going to see him again. He bought tickets this time

because he was a big fan. I forget the guy's name. And the guy did the exact same fucking material. And as I was walking out with him, his name is Mani. He lives in Point Pleasant. As I was walking out with him, I even looked at him like,

that was not good. And he goes, no, he was great. I go, he did the same jokes as three years ago. At that time, I had no comedy knowledge whatsoever. I didn't know what was going on in comedy. But I said to him, I go, if I ever was a comic, I wouldn't do the same material. Like, I just knew it even then before I got into comedy.

It bothered me, so I just moved on. Where did you shoot the special? That was the Connecticut one? Yeah, Fairfield, Connecticut at the Fairfield Theater. You got the bus, you got all the boys in the bus, drinking, farting. Yeah, we had a party bus go up, like 30 of my friends and family and stuff. Took the bus up there. Don Jameson opened up, warmed up the crowd, did a great job.

And, yeah, 30 animals from my town, you know. took the bus up there. I made him sure they came to the early show. I did two shows at one night. Come because they're going to be drunk. So come to the 7 o'clock show. I don't want you guys at the 9 o'clock because you're going to be yelling.

You'll be the one heckling, my family and friends and drunk. Like already my nephew was sleeping during my set. He drank so much. He was out cold. He watched. He goes, I remember the first 10 minutes that I fell asleep in my chair. And I was at like 740 when I went on. Jesus.

So I knew Just you know Bring them the early show But it's good because they always want to come I you know They've seen me a million times My family and friends So I just pick our special occasions

For them to come out And come see me So that was that was you know Usually they'll come to the tapings If they're in the area If I don't do it down in Florida Or something like that But the last couple specials

Been around the area So they'd come I love it that you uh You had a fight You set together a crew Of fucking Your best buddies They got

a keg and you went up there four hours you had to call them because there was traffic you know I was still fucking sick I would have gone up with those savages just to just to see the inside and smell the inside of that bus well the one guy my one friend tony brought a uh milk jug an empty milk jug to piss in on the bus because he knew he was going to be drink a lot of beer and it was no there was no bathroom on the bus so he's like I'm prepared I got my empty jug if I got to go because he didn't want the bus driver to stop. And then one of my nephew, Mike's friends, had a piss. And Tony made him do it in the jug, the bus in front of everybody.

I'm surprised they even brought the fucking jug and didn't just piss on the fucking floor. My friends were just pissed on the fucking floor. Those were the worst days of my life. I got to tell you, when I would come home and I had a group of friends that were buck wild, and they come to the shows. And one night they came to rascals. And whatever the fuck, the main one, not the shore. West Orange.

West Orange. And one of my buddies got so hamming on a quailout, he just fell at the bar. He was under the chair and shit. We couldn't find them for like 10 minutes. Like, where is he? We had to go behind there where he was standing and look, and he was down on the cat. That was constantly.

They embarrassed me. At New York, at Stand Up, New York, maybe 20 years ago, the whole crew came. And two of my friends came that were undercover cops. and they had their badges on their thing, and they were laying on the bar, and you could see how coked up they were. They were fucking jaun, Jimmy.

Like, joan, fucking white rings on their nose, and I go to the back, and I come out, and the guy's got his hand on his waist, and you can see the gun and the badge, and I'm like, dog, you can't let these guys know you're a cop. Look at the fucking shape of you. And he's like, well, I'm like, put the fucking gun away, give me the badge.

And as I was leaving, the guy from stand-up in New York, goes, hey, your friends are always welcome here. I'm like, yeah, they are. Look at the fucking shape of them. I would beg them, don't do coke at the club. I would be like the fifth one up, and they would do coke, and then they'd start talking. And by the time I got up there, they would be yelling and shit.

I can't do it. I can't. They don't show up anymore. Thank God. They stop that shit. You always have to remind them, say, listen, this is my work. I'm bringing you my work. Please behave.

They don't get it, though. They don't think it's work for some reason. Like, if I showed up with your work and started causing problems and doing shots and screaming, everybody walking by yelling at him, wouldn't you be like, what are you doing? That's what you're doing. You're doing my special, my one friend, Tony, you know Tony. I told, I knew where they were sitting. The whole row, we gave him like the third row, my whole family.

So going over security detail before the show, I said, like, there's going to be a guy sitting in that third row right over here. He's going to be a problem. But leave him alone. He'll be fine. He's just happy. He might yell a couple things out, but he'll, so just don't kick him out because he's a friend of mine, but he's definitely going to be a problem.

And then my manager, Tommy, goes up and says, hey, we're filming a comedy special here tonight. I just want to let you guys know. I appreciate it. Please don't heckle when Jim's on stage. We're filming this and all this stuff. He goes, if you have anything, you want to just yell out. Just yell it out now and get it out of your system.

So my friend Tony yells to my manager, Tommy. Show me your tits. He's really. People will never understand the mentality of the Jersey rat. No. You'll never, I'm a Jersey rat. You'll never, you can live, like, I get it, but if I brought somebody in here from, like, Chicago,

and they saw my friends in action and shit like that, it wouldn't be a fun situation. And I don't get embarrassed with my friends. I just don't bring nobody around them. That's it. When they're around, I want them around by themselves to their own. I can't mix them match. people no no because they're because you don't want to censor them like this is who they are i'm not

going to tell them hey behave but so you just know you pick your spots where you can you censor your friends anyway no you don't that is the most ridiculous thing in the world i could never censor my friends i could act you know like again i love these jersey rats and my gift that growing up was to feed the rats what does that mean to get them going if you're I knew somebody who fucking went off when he did blow and drank, I would take him to the bar, feed him Coke and feed him shots every two fucking minutes because I couldn't wait for him to go off. That was what my night was based of, him going off. I have a friend Roger Holloway.

God bless his soul, he's been dead a year. I didn't even get to, when I, I've been back a year and a half, didn't even get to see him before he died. But when I went out with him, I knew he loved Coke. and I knew that people would say, hey, slow it down with him. Fuck you. I'm going to double up with him. I was going to buy him a half gram.

Now I'm going to buy him a gram so he could have even more so he could motherfucker all the use all. God damn. Remember the first time I went to your basement and you walked me out. You're like, hey man, I hope those guys didn't offend you.

I was like, listen, you made my day because I thought all those type of people were dead. I know. If it was up to the United States, all of us would be dead. anybody who speaks that way would be dead. This is the direction we're going.

I mean, I don't know if a lot of comics, I don't know if you saw this, and it doesn't, when you hear it, it doesn't bother you or affect you. But if you're a fucking rough comic, it should. Fucking, they asked Andrew Schultz not to do a theater

because they said he was dirty. If they think Andrew Schultz is dirty, they're going to put me under the fucking jail. I mean, Jim, this is something to think about that I've been thinking about since I saw that. I go, Massey Theater canceled him. This is going to be a trend pretty soon. So they did after?

They don't want us to talk like we do. You know, every time Rogan says something, a doctor, inverting it's a front page of Yahoo, and it's like they say that you did something. You know, I spoke about on the podcast the other day. They were. I haven't read anything. about it they were going after Jeff Garland for like a you know if Jeff Garland is offensive

I better fucking hang myself right now I know right so what these people are going for now is just that and I tell you everybody's like sitting tight listen wait for the holidays to pass after the holidays it's going to be a motherfucker the shit that they're going to drop this look at the look what de Blasio dropping us yesterday and that's for New York that's it You might as well fucking stab that in the heart. Now, I can't even bring five and 11 year olds to a fucking thing in New York City. Yeah, everybody's got to be vaccinated. All private companies.

And I'm sure the guy that replaces him, Eric, whatever his fucking name is or change that mandate when he takes office. But you think about that. That's not good, guys. That's going to stick the fucking fork in New York right there. No, I know. A lot of people from Jersey bring their kids in, you know, they go to dinner. to go to a show or something like that. I can't even bring my kid in to come to a comedy club

because he won't be allowed in. He's 11 years old. You know, starting in like another week or so. It's insane what you're doing to these businesses and stuff, you know? So, yeah, just, you know, Joe says something. Joe has a doctor on that doesn't agree with CNN. And the next day, it's all news. They just take these little quotes and go crazy over it.

You know, it's, it really is insane. I know they're just, they, they're, they, they, They're trying to control it and they can. And then you got Trump, who's going to start his own, like, Twitter. It's going to start up in like a month or two where you can go on there and say whatever you want, basically. And they're already freaking out over it. They're trying to see how they could shut it down.

I got to be honestly, I kind of miss Trump. I kind of miss him, even though I didn't vote for him, even though I'm not a political guy. This shit that's going on now, like, I'm not a political guy. I just look at Biden and I know that's a mistake. and Pamela Harris, she's fucking garbage. She's hot garbage. All she could do is flip a fucking hair up. She's hot, fucking garbage.

And now, I tell you, when Trump fucking raised his hand and threw Alec Baldwin under the bus, that was the happiest day of my life because I fucking hated Baldwin doing Trump. That shit wasn't funny at fucking all. It wasn't funny at all. And those poor bastards just kept bringing it to the table like it was going to kill America.

The only people who liked that impersonation was with people who didn't like Trump. I'm a fan of impersonations. But a bad impersonation is a bad impersonation. I fucking loved it when Trump raised his hand and said, lock him up. He's got mental health issues. To me, that was fucking the best day of my life

for fucking Trump. Meanwhile, all those guys who were all friends with Trump, you know, that De Niro and all these guys, Alan Ball, when they're all New Yorkers, they all hung out with them, Jay-Z. You know, Trump was the man until he ran, and then all of a sudden they turned on him. And now out-balling's just embarrassing with him and his wife on Instagram

going, I love you, honey, no matter what, you support me, you got my back. I don't care what happens to my career. I just know I have you. You're a fucking 65-year-old man grobbling on Instagram to your wife. How about you say that to her fucking face? Nobody needs to hear that. You're 65 years old.

I see how you talk to your wife, Terry. You say, if I wasn't to Terry, I wouldn't be around. You don't put that on fucking Instagram. I just want to let you know, Terry. You tell her right to her. But just a fucking 65-year-old. That's all I need. Now today, they're kissing in a picture.

Alec Baldwin and his wife. Like, what are you trying to do? Hollywood has become so fucking pukey. Nine days after that, that woman died after, you know, shatter. On set, they're posting a picture of them as a family in Halloween costumes. Alec Baldwin, his wife, and his kids all in Halloween costumes. Like, what are you doing?

The fucking mental health that Hollywood does to you, I didn't even watch the whole fucking thing with Stephanopoulos, whatever his fucking name is. All I had to do was watch three minutes of it, and then I watched segments of him going, I didn't pull the trigger. He's fucking crying on TV. I didn't even watch. I didn't pay attention to it. I woke up the next day,

and Pierce Morgan is goofing on him. Everybody's fucking goofing on him, that he's a fake. And I'm like, you know what, guys? Why does this shock you? They're fucking actors. All of them, all of them are actors. They know how to try to win you over with bullshit.

For Alec Baldwin, that bullshit didn't fucking work the other day. People saw through that, you know, Hollywood is just a puke. fucking place now. You look at it and you're like, what the fuck happened? Harvey Weinstein, this, that. And then you got fucking Alex Bowen saying shit about George Clooney and George, what the fuck does George Clooney know about a fucking gun?

I don't know. I just don't know anymore. You see him coming a fucking mile away. And it's just not for me no more. No, you always say that I'm so happy to be out of that lifestyle. You know, when there's shit going on in L.A. and Hollywood and all that stuff. be like, I'm just so happy. I'm not involved in that anymore.

I don't even care. Come on, man. What they did to comics during the pandemic and now people won't give those comics specials, even though they got vindicated, even though the comics are fucking decent people and that was a time ago. You know, I told you the other day,

I go, you know, Jim, I'm fucking embarrassed to say this on any podcast because I've been lying to people, obviously, because I told them it's not like that. You know, America does not want to give you a second chance anymore. There's no more second chances. They used to be second chances in the 50s, the 60s, the 70s,

a couple of them in the 80s, Michael Vic in the 90s. But I got to be honest with you. Look at a guy like me now. And I knew this when I became a comedian. It was the reason I became a comic, Jimmy, that I'm not going to be able to ever get a job. I got a pee in a bottle, and I got a fucking police record. I brought it upon myself.

I'm not sitting here whining or whatever. But what happens to the guy that does go to jail for 15 years? He made a mistake. He comes out and he wants to go looking for a job. Nobody's going to hire this guy. You're right. Absolutely. I know.

They don't give you a second chance. No. Someone was just bitching Mel Gibson's going to direct a lethal weapon five, I guess, and some big director or a producer in Hollywood just wrote a whole piece for like, I don't know, maybe it was in New York Times or something about how could you, hire this guy, he aged Jews, and this is ridiculous that you're going to hire him to direct that movie. The guy's, the Mel Gibson paid his price. He went away for like fucking five years in the middle of his career when that shit went down, you know, back a cop car and all that

stuff. So it's like the guy paid so he can't come back. You know, that was 20 years ago. You're still going to hold that against him. He was drunk and he said some shit in the back of a cop car. And I'm going to tell you something. That's like somebody calling me. a bigot and it fucking infuriates me when people don't see it for what it is let me tell you something about Mel Gibson and people this again the first time I've said this on a podcast I got the pleasure to work with a guy named Dean something twice I worked with him on the box and moor with De Niro and I worked and I'm on the longest job yard his name is Dean something and it's not hard to find he's like the third name on the credits he's a

big shot the guy a big old Australian guy. You know the type, Jimmy. He likes to have a good time, drink couple beers and shit. Well, let me tell you what that dude had the honor of doing. He won the Oscar for Dances with Wolves for being the cinematographer. But why I found love with him is because he's the real cinematographer for fucking Mad Max and the first Road Warry.

The Road Warrior. This guy, Dean Sticklin or whatever his name is. What is it? What is it? What is it? S-E-M-L-E-R. Simler. Yeah.

Dean Simler. This motherfucker every day would talk to Mel Gibson on the phone. Every day. When we were shooting the longest yard, at some part of the day, him and Mel, there's people that we all talk to, one person, two people, or your brother, Dan, whatever.

And you say things. You say Cuban jokes. You say Puerto Rican jokes. You say Jew jokes. You say Polack jokes, whatever. I know for a fact Every day Dean would come up to me on the phone And he'd go, hey, you want to hear this joke?

And it would be what you'd call today a tasteless joke But it would be a funny joke to me, you know, like You know, Jesus came out of Central Park And there were two Catholics on a fucking rabbi And the two Catholics were like, Look at Jesus, he'll throw a blessing on us Jesus, come here, throw a blessing on me My wife has cancer, my mother has cancer, Jesus like here

you know here's a blessing on you Jesus I'm a bishop my foot hurts here's a blessing and the Jews like Jesus don't touch me I'm on disability like those type of jokes right they don't hurt nobody they're simple stupid street jokes

if you judge somebody on one of those street jokes you have a fucking problem that's what him and used to do every day Mill Gibson the stealth stupid fucking jokes and I know that for a fact that the chick from the chick

from Hannibal stuck up for him you know whatever her name is Jodie Foster stuck up for him and she's as Jewish as can be yeah so they're getting the whole fucking thing wrong

but back to your point yeah you can't they don't want you to have a second chance anymore they do not want it at all I saw the petitions for Mike Vic after he came back and proved himself and went to therapy they still and I was a little upset

with Michael Vic too those are fucking dogs but i learned how to give somebody a checking second chance because society gave me a second chance but that's not happening anymore and he's also been an upstanding citizen since he's gone out michael bick he has gotten in any trouble nothing you know you always think that maybe he's going to do something again but he hasn't you know he's on like he's doing like NFL today or something like that i saw him on as like a guest analyst or something or a pregame thing so You know, thank God, believe me, if that happened today with the thing he did with the dogs,

you would never hear from him again. He'd have to go in hiding. And never come back. There's no way a team would sign him after that. No, no, no. Look at the, I saw something last night, the kid who played Superfly, the little young brother has over 30 sexual assaults. Fucking Superfly went freaky, yeah?

30 sexual assault since he shot fucking super fly. You excited about this special, brother? I'm excited. Yeah. I can tell you've been putting some hard work into it. I know it's going to be fucking great. What's the name of it? It's called Bite the Bullet.

It's on my YouTube page. YouTube.com slash Jim Florentine comedy. Comes out Monday, December 13th. They'll be available. Fucking perfect. Just go to Jim Florentine comedy on YouTube and it's there. And you got the terrorizing telemarketers. I saw something yesterday.

I listened to one of the clips last week. It was fucking hysterical. It was... Oh, yeah, you heard a new one. Oh, my God. I was fucking dying there at the house. I love all that torture and people shit. That's right up my fucking alley.

And then you're at the St. Louis Fonybone this weekend, correct? This weekend, yeah. Friday and Saturday. Friday, Thursday through Sunday, actually, December 9th, holy shit. That's a long fucking week. Miami's got to buy. You know, sometimes there's some...

A few clubs around the country, I'll do four days. The funny bone in St. Louis, I love that place. We've been doing it for years. Matt, the manager, is amazing. Side splitters in Tampa. BT, it's one of the best clubs in the country. The guy in the funny stop in Cuyahoga Falls. Pete, there's a few that I will do because I like these guys that much.

Well, man, I'll be looking forward for Monday. I'll see you. No, I won't even see you Sunday for football. Holy shit. Yeah, yeah, Miami is a biders. week. I'm on my own this fucking weekend. You'll be in St. Louis, your brother's

and fucking Maruba. I'm all alone here in fucking freezing New Jersey. But hey, man, thank you for taking the time. I know you got a big day today. You got to move around. You got an Ozzy Osbourne, Ozzie's Bone Yard probably coming up this week. So thank you for taking the time,

Jim. I appreciate that, Joey. Thank you. All right. Have a great day, and I'll bump into you later, hopefully. All right, great. Stay black, brother. What up? I hope you enjoy, Joe. He's a great fucking dude. I love him with all my heart. Please do me a favor.

If you're in the St. Louis area this weekend, stop by Funny Bone and say hello, bring him a fuck. He don't smoke refa, but bring him a fucking album or bring him a Led Zeppelin t-shirt or whatever. Even if it's used, he don't give a fuck. And then Monday, his special comes out.

He's a good dude. He's one of my closest friends. I'm very tight with his family. His family's one of the best families I've been around. And it's a Florentine motherfucking crime family. I love them to debt. I love you guys too. Thank you very much for watching the show this week. Thank you for fucking giving me all the negative reviews on drinking water in your

microphone. I'm not going to do it no more. I'm just going to live here like an African and be fucking dehydrated and shit and talk to you motherfuckers, but I love you guys. Thank you very much for watching this weekend. Thank you very much for having my back. Stay black. I'll see you motherfuckers Monday tip top motherfucking Magoo. All right, I want to thank Jimmy Florentine, but most importantly, I want to thank you guys for getting the party started. The joint is brought to you by Liquid Ivy.

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