The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 12/20/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #137

Episode Date: December 20, 2013

Eddie Bravo, 10th Planet, Eddie Bravio Radio, calls in. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Recorded live on 12/20/2013.

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slash church or just go to joey dyes.net and click on the dollar shave club banner kick that motherfucker leave what oh shit oh shit it's friday december 20th you got four shoplifting days oh shit listen to the police drop it i don't play enough for the fucking police what what's your fucking reaction it's friday you're fucking douchebags get up you're probably up already. I'm sorry for yelling. Oh shit. Dropping it.

Boom, boom, boom, boom. Are you fucking kidding me, Lee? I would never kid around with the police. Hit it. One more time. One more course. Are you fucking kidding me what I'm dropping on you motherfuckers on a Friday? Right from this Jen. Go wash your pussy and get out there. Hustle a motherfucker.

What was the last time you put that Munkqua on somebody's face? When was the last time you dickwipped the bitch and he happened? afternoon. Today's your lucky day, Cockstucker. Let's do this, Lysayat. What's happening, you bad motherfucker you? No, I feel great. I'm fucking happiest can be. Sure, you're sitting

that casket in front of the fucking living room all day. And you watch fucking SportsCenter. Sure you, you know, I feel good. The only days I do that are the days you give me a fucking green hornet, what you did today. So, yeah, when you give me an album. No, no, not today. Today I'm taking your fucking keys. I'm walking you downstairs, and I'll come back

in an hour with your keys. You're leading downstairs You're not coming back in now I swear to God I gotta come back up here anyway You gotta see a buddy I gotta see a man about a dog But you gotta sit that side

I want you to sit in a fucking chair I can't do that when I'm hot dude Sure you can't You're gonna call on that 1245 right Yo Yo You gonna call on that 1245 All right

I love you You got the number right All right stay black Bye Sorry about that people Sometimes you gotta make a move You gotta get out there get some sun vitamin D is lacking in your future what the other folks is just an

appetizer of life the edible adds a fucking the all the edible does to my day is it adds a sense of danger okay I'm always in danger when I'm driving when I'm at the house something something like it adds not danger what's the word I'm looking for being terrible it's a different obstacle to the fucking day all right and I still do my shit sometimes I take an edible and I don't like it because I got to work out and when I work out and I'm and I'm and I'm and I'm I'm breathing heavy, I start tripping. It happened Monday. It happened Wednesday night

in kettleball class. Because I couldn't go in the morning because I had radio. We did the podcast at 12. So I went, you know, by 6.45, I've already eaten fucking 92 different things. You know what I'm saying? So that's what happened. So by the time I got the kettleball class was my first real workout out of the week.

Yesterday I went to Jiu-Tit-I-Git-I got up. I did the radio thing, press for the junket for the grudge match. And then I went to kettleball, 9-30. Well, can we talk about this? Because I'm still trying to figure it. I wanted to break up when Tony was here, but I got too fucking high. I have to figure.

I know I have to work out, and that's something I have to do. But when you're working for yourself, like, what do you do all the day? Like, I can't. When you work for yourself. Yeah. First of all, the most important thing about working for yourself is organization. Okay. Organization and discipline.

Okay. So they both go hand in hand. But they really don't. It's really weird. You're like, Joey, come on. Organization, discipline. So what I suggest to people is as a comedian, you got to do 80 different times.

We have to do 80,000 things a day. Yeah. Okay? So in the morning, usually I get up. I do a little writing just with my day. Okay. I look over my day. And then I write something.

I try to write a joke, something, okay? Then I tweet, then I put music, I smoke dope. Then after all that, I wash my pussy. Let's pretend I play with the baby for a while and help my wife. I go back in the room. I see what breakdowns are at, which means like what's out there for me. Okay.

And if something's out there, for acting. For acting. It takes a couple fucking minutes, you know. I take that, I send that, boom, to the email. And then probably none of the time

I got an errand to run. I go run that errand, two errands. I come back. This time maybe to write a paragraph in the book. If I could write a paragraph in the book, now all that I got to include the baby in there somewhere.

I got to come home and hold it for 10 minutes. I got to play with a 15 minutes. There's always something. I go in the room. I knock that out. Then maybe I got a meeting or something like that. When you work for yourself, I send emails on. You know, I make a list of emails.

So when you look at my notebook, they'll say Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, each category starts to write one hour a day. I got to write one hour a day. And then after that, it's my day. 930, 6 a.m. podcast, 930 kettlebell class, you know, fucking 12 o'clock meeting, 1 o'clock. So in that, I'm always home. I like my schedule close by, so I'm always home. Okay.

I got always checking on the cats, the baby, but I've even did that when I just had the cats. I know you did. I always check in. Sometimes you've got to go to post office. You know, there's so many aspects to this game. I just don't show up no more. I got to fucking go on the emails and check and go on the fucking Twitters and check the fucking who gets a shot out. I got to think of fucking music to play for these people.

I got to get a guest. You've got to think of shit to talk about it. At least have bullet points. There's always a preparation. Your time goes into preparation. Then there's everything else. Then there's a cleanup. Who didn't send you a fucking check?

Why are you missing a check? That's two fucking days. You know, this week they banged me out for the fucking car at the hotel for smoking in my room. I don't smoke in my room. So that's $2.50. I got to wait on the hotel hour for an hour.

I had to call the other hotel because I thought I was paying it for the hotel and I basically paid Expedia. So there was a snowstorm, so I couldn't fly in. I called the hotel. They said, no worry about it. When you get here, your room will be here and we'll refund your $100.

No, they ended up charging me money because Expedia canceled my fucking reservation. So now I got to call Expedia and talk to some fucking foreigner who don't know fucking English for an hour. And that takes fucking, you know, I wish I had that African with the fucking fake fucking sign language next to me on the phone. To help me with these fucking people they connect you with in these different fucking countries that don't oblo. And they want, you know what I'm saying? Like it's fucking tough. Yeah.

I went to United Airlines. I don't have no beef with United Airlines. But they put some fucking chick on there at no Aablo. So the bitch don't fucking I blow. I end up, she ends up charging me $79 extra for something. might even look for. I told her something else. The $29 go through security line board first.

She gave me something fucking completely different and charged me doubles. And I got to argue with United Airlines like a fucking mutt for 20 minutes again. They got to go back for the tape recording and all this shit. So you've always got cleanup. You've always got the, they sent you a script,

but that's not the script. They sent you a contract. That's not the contract. You wanted this. Now it goes back to the lawyer. Now they call. The fucking my lawyer don't just, my lawyer calls.

And they go, can we call you back Thursday at 4 o'clock? What? Like, they call you to make a fucking appointment. In that time, the lawyer could have been fucking calling you. It is a fucking nightmare. Yeah, it's something, this is, it's so weird because I spent my whole life in school, so you go to school all day. And then I, I didn't have any time off between going to work,

and I'd be at work all day. And I'm trying to, like, that's why I started my own podcast. I'm helping other people with their podcast, because I don't know what to do all day. Like, I'm trying to do stuff. I got the CD ready, but now that's done. And it's just... We're going to put some of the stuff on pay...

That's ready. I talked to the CD guy yesterday. But that was like an hour. So like I signed up to do... I couldn't go because I was at the unemployment office. But I signed up to do like focus groups. I was like, I don't know what the fuck to do all day. And it's just...

I have to start adding stuff to my day. The gym? Yeah, that's something I did. The gym is an anchor, you know? You got to get out of the house to create some times. Mm-hmm. You really got to get to get a house. because you get stagnant in front of that fucking computer

and you get stagnant on that couch. Nothing wrong with going to a little coffee shop and read, T's it in the corner with a notebook. Just getting fresh air. Just getting new thoughts in your head. I get stale in that fucking room. These years, I'm not a, I'm creative in ways, but I'm not going to write anything.

You never know. Take it with you. Just the ideas. Just the thought that goes to the piece of paper. What thoughts you have for your podcast? What thoughts you have for your life? What little goals you want? Then you check it every 90 days

and see if you're on fucking track. Okay. You got to keep yourself on track. I used to fucking sell shit on the phone. And believe it, when you're sell shit on the phone, there's a script. Yeah. All right?

And you recite the fucking script, and you get good at the script, and you start selling. And then one day you become fucking smarter than everybody else, and you fucking say, fuck this script. And you go on this fucking tangent, and you give people your beatings,

and guess what? Now you're not selling. You got to go back to the script. There's got to be a beginning, a middle, and the fucking end. And, you know, even when I was doing blow, as unorganized as I seem, I'm organized. So do you understand me?

Organization and discipline have to be a fucking must. Listen, I'm the last guy that wants to sit down with a piece of paper. I know. But if I could do it for 35 fucking minutes, get up, smoke a number, come back from another 35. I did my goal for the day. You know, Eddie Bravo's calling in today. And I got my first stripe on my belt of jiu-jitsu. It's awesome.

It's fucking scary because it scared the shit out of me. I always thought I was going to die before. I go to Jiu-Jit-to, I kiss the dog and the cat, and I'd make sure I lift a will because it was that hard. Jiu-Jit-2 was that hard for me. Like, I found my fucking heart. I could see my heart beating. I had to walk outside and get there,

but in time, it got better and better for me. So I got enthusiastic about it, you know? And I'm not the best Jiu-Too guy. I'm not good at all. I'm never submitting nobody. But just the thing that I'm going, and I've gotten emails from people that say, hey, man, just because you're going,

I just joined because you're 50. I try to go twice a week. I put two anchors. Nothing could stand in the middle of those anchors. And you have to go to those classes when you know nothing else is going to interrupt them so you don't ever have to say, I can't go to class today.

Yeah. And that's tough. And that's very tough. But you join a school that has night classes and day classes, and you find the best. And worst case scenario, you just go to the open mat and somebody that will teach you something. And you move, which, even if you're just holding somebody, somebody and they're pushing against you and laying against you and pushing you you're using your

muscles you're breathing you're getting all that old shit out of there that potato chip you ever sweat and you could sweat and smell this shit you fucking eat no i don't fucking my body's so used to sweating now that when i don't sweat for two days that first batch of sweat is a skunk oh really yeah it's not from my armpit it's just like it's now that it's used to it my body's used to it i enjoy you know listen man when i lived on shreda i was worse than you this is why I know what I'm talking about. When I lived on Shreda and when I live now, you know, it's very hard to get my wife on the phone

because the baby's always fucking awake. But when I lived on Shrader, my life was completely different. That's why there was nothing going on in my life. Because my whole goal then, yes, it was comedy, but it was tied with cocaine. It was tied with that secret fucking addiction I had, which meant going to the house at night and getting blasted.

So yeah, my first, in the back of my mind, yeah, I dug comedy, but on the other side, I loved cocaine a little fucking more. So the first object of the day was to get money to score blow. Okay. Once the money was scored, then I could focus on the Coke

and my addiction wouldn't bother me all fucking day. You understand me? So I had a, again, I had a structure. I knew I was going to snort Coke at 1130. Now I had to find shit to do before that. So I did two spots. I did one at 8.30. I did one at 11.15 or something.

You understand me? I would sleep. I would stay up to a 4 or 5. I would get up at 7, drink something, talk to Terry, and go back to bed to 11 in those days. But I would get up at 7

and go on the computer and see what was going on. And if nothing was going on, I'd go back to fucking bed. I feed the cats, and I'd go back to bed. I didn't sleep straight to 11. Then I'd go back, catch another 3 hours.

I swear to God, I wouldn't leave the house to the cigarettes with God. The only reason why I would get up and leave those days is because I was on the cigarettes. Yeah, I can see that. So I would look to see, ooh, I got nine cigarettes, I got two episodes of Law & Order, I got spaghetti.

I would get up in those days and eat three eggs, the whole package of bacon. We would buy five packages of bacon in those days. A week? A week. Oh, wow. And we would fry up the whole thing in the morning. Three eggs for me, two for her,

half a loaf of bread, butter, and six or seven cans of soda. between the both of us. It was amazing. It was amazing how much my lifestyle changed in the middle of all this league. And I don't have to lie to anybody. I lived across the street from the YMCA.

People like across the street. People, not drown the block, not a mile away. I lived across the street from the fucking Hawaii. In the back of my mind, I made believe they sold cancer in there. I wouldn't even walk on that side of the street, really?

I wouldn't even walk on that side of the fucking street. And the best thing that happened to me was getting the longest yard and realizing how bad is shape and how bad my body had become from the days I was taking care of myself. Like how bad a shape I really was. To go in there the first time and to be able to walk three minutes on the stem master on 0.5 and have to fucking turn it off is a pathetic fucking statement to ever make him public. I remember the trainer looking at me and going, I can't help you.

You got to quit smoking cigarettes. Oh shit, okay. I was, leave, but I'm telling you, I would only leave the house in those days at 8 o'clock at night. And if I could get Terry to go up the corner and get cigarettes. You weren't going to see me in the fucking sunlight. Every once in a while. And then it was so weird how I got into it. I started going to Kempo Karate in Los Verlis with Rocco Obisi's son.

That's how I got into getting healthy. And he helped me a little bit. And I would go to the Y and move around. And I started doing fucking Chi-Gung, which is Tai Chi, you know, with just slow movements and I'd be satisfied with that but I was doing something yeah which is all that matters it didn't matter that I was just doing this shit and he would teach me forms I'd make believe I was kung fu and shit what mattered was that I was moving you know and that's how I became friends with Superbed Evie and Lulu

that was your cats 2007 yeah they were just born and they were living under a tree and DJ. And I would go out there every day and do Chi Gunn. And stretch. And they would walk around. And that's how you met your cats? That's how I became friendly with them.

And they would come around and stand there and watch me. And then when I would step towards them, they'd all scatter. Except DJ, the little Siamese guy. So every day I'd go out there in the sunlight. But that was my work at that. But at least I was going out. I was just going out to the backyard. That's why I say to you, go to the pool.

Just give me a favor. Go to the pool. Go to the pool. stretch your arms, do some jumping jacks, and you'll see that. The next movement is for you to go for a walk and you go for a walk. You have to do this every day. Without a checklist, just write it down on that notebook. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

Every day, before anything happens, you've got to go for a walk. You know, you're going to get up, you're going to drink some water, and you're going to go for a walk. You're going to smoke. You're going to come in here and roll a joint. If you roll that jointly and go like this and turn it off, you're going to be zoomed enough to take you for a little joint. Then you're going to get an iPod.

And you're going to start walking on a neighbor, listening to that fucking Jew music, jumping up and down. Because I was thinking about it the other day. I was watching a commercial or something, and they had one of those concerts for young kids jump up and down. I'm like, Lee don't do that. I do too.

For how long? Two seconds? Not for the whole time. 45 minutes, you jump up and down. No, I mean, you stop jumping up and down. You can't do it constantly? You don't do no social? No, I'm the only one.

I'm the only one there's sober. You still want the head of ecstasy? You're going to do an exosite tonight with the wife? Nah, I would do it to endable with her, but not an ecstasy. You sure you want to do a little of the ecstasy with mama? I'll leave you. I'll give you two hits of acts.

I'll give you a watermelon and a fucking whip. And I'll come back tomorrow. You'll be a different fucking man. You'll be smiles, man. You have a whip mark going right through your fucking skull. Oh, she's going to whip me? Sure, why not? When's the last time you got whipped or pissed on?

Never. A chick never peed on you? No. You never let her chick peed on. Do you think of these questions? No, it's because I'm just crazy. I don't want to know. I want to know how deep you to...

Never. You've been taking this chicken to the shower and said, pee on me like a fucking savage. I've taken a chicken to the shower, but not to pee on me. Next, tonight, tell Paul to pee on you. No, I don't want that to happen. Some fucking tamale piss.

Let it go on my neck. How's it going to get on my neck? Am I going to be sitting down? Yeah, you're going to kneel, and she's going to make piss, she's going to pick up her leg, and just pee on you, and you're going to take it like this. Tonight I don't want you to open your mouth. That's rookie type shit the first time.

Tonight you keep your mouth shut like a soldier, and you breathe out your nose, and you take that pee like a, you know, and then you just let it on you. It's a tremendous experience. You don't love it. It's not like I do it every day. I haven't done it in like 18 years,

but when I did it, I did it. You understand me? I feel I can't tell Terry to pee on me. You should throw me out. Yeah, exactly. So would Paula? Nah, you're still in those developmental, you can still get away with creepy questions.

you've only been dating how long six months yeah yeah you can still get away with fucked up shit if you don't stick your finger up her ass now you're not gonna stick your finger up to ask I don't want to do you there's shit up there no there's not they're not like us animals that take a half of shit and walk around with shit

in our assholes all day spread and stink they fucking shit like normal people they take their time they're in there 30 fucking minutes and so what so what you get a little fucking brown shit on your finger just wipe on the on the blanket. Oh, no.

And then you sniff your finger like a fucking captain. That is the worst thing. Lee Syatt, ladies and gentlemen. The church of what's fucking happening now, you sexy motherfuckers. I got to tell you something before the show goes on. From the bottom of myself and the Jew's heart, we really, really, really, really wish you a Merry Christmas, man. Yeah.

We hope you spend it with your families and have a great day and everything's safe. That's the most important thing. I want you motherfuckers to be safe. I don't want to get no tweets that any of us, any of us in this fucking network of love, Rifa, and fucking dropping knowledge on motherfuckers gets hurt over the holidays.

It would break my fucking heart. So please, even, I'm worried about this fucking struits that's flying back to Boston. You got me all worried now over the holidays. They're going to kidnap the plane

and take you to fucking butt fuck you and stick a finger up your ass. No, I'm flying Jepp Blue. They don't kidnap Jeff Blue. You know those terrorists will stick a finger up your ass. Of course they won't. They get back at you for Guantanamo. You know what I'm talking about?

Oh, there's no Jews at Guantanamo. There's no Jewish words. You think invented Guantanamo. You think three white dudes or a set of drums went down there now. A fucking Jew that said, let's take people and torture those motherfuckiness. Oh, my God. You want to smoke some more briefing? No, thank you.

You want to do another edible? I'm okay. We opened up the bang with an edible off camera. Yeah, I don't even get credit for it anymore. I just have to do it off camera. You're not supposed to get credit for it. for anything. Yes, I am.

Nobody. Listen, I forget I'm fucking. I forget the knowledge I was going to drop on you. You know what I'm saying? What do you think? Character is what you do when nobody's around. But you're around. What do you think about?

Augustino and I were talking about it the other day. And there was another school shooting last week. And Paul and I were arguing about whether or not you would homeschool kids or send kids to school with a bulletproof fast. Like, what do you? Because Mercy's too young, but she's going to be around that age in a few years. I live in fear. I live in fear.

Really? I live in fear for my child, and I live in fear for everybody else's child. Because things happen in life, but nobody's fucking child should be shot by a fucking gun when they're sitting in a fourth grade fucking class. Okay, kid can't witness that shit. Kids cannot handle that shit. I say a joke on stage, but it's not a joke. When I seen that porn on when I was 13 or 12,

it fucking ruined me. It ruined me sexually towards people. It gave me this weird feeling about sex. I don't think about it now, and I didn't know this when it happened. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you I'm ruined for life, but I realized that 35 that something wasn't fucking right. Kids can't handle a shooting.

Kids can't handle seeing a teacher shot in the fucking head or a kid their age shot or some person shooting through the fucking hallways. Lee, you're an adult. If you were in a machine gun right now and it had nothing to do with you, you would shit your pants. I'm not trying to be funny. No, no, fuck yeah.

Something would come out because it came out of me. It came out of me. You know, it wasn't like when I saw Juan shoot that guy in the fourth grade. I really knew a Juan was a mom. I knew that he had given people beatings. I didn't think he was going to shoot this guy at the Santa Maria fucking party. I never thought he was going to do that in front of my godmother and in front of all those people. but that's what I found out that night.

And it didn't shock me. It wasn't like he just took out a gun and shot somebody. Do you understand me? That's going a little too strong. So I was prepared for him already. You're not prepared. Your mother wakes you up in the morning. She gives you a cereal.

She packs your lunch. She gets you in the car. She drives you a school. She gives you a fucking kiss. You're going to school. You're just a kid. You don't know about Social Security and insurance and a new tire.

You don't know anything in those things. And I don't want you to know. about any of those things. You're a fucking kid. Yeah. And you walk into your class and you hang your jacket up and you pledge allegiance to the class and you sit down. And all of a sudden, fucking 10 to 10, some fucking moron that snapped comes in with a gun. Now, this isn't what pissing me off. This is going to happen. It's going to get more popular. It's getting more popular. Let me explain something to you. Did you read into this one in Colorado? It was, he's 18. He just bought a fucking shotgun.

He bought the gun December 6, guys. Now, didn't we have two shootings? Colorado, Littleton, and the other one. Why are we selling fucking shotguns to 18-year-old fucking kids? Okay, you want a gun, at least bring your fucking dad in until you're 21? So Colorado, right there, I don't know what the fuck you were thinking. He shot that poor

girl. The reports were she was 15 at first. She was a 17-year-old student. You know what? How old my fucking nieces in Tennessee? She's 18 fucking years old. I think that fucking makes me feel. And there, they got guns. Now, let me tell you what the biggest problem is here, and people disrespect the language. I know it's

holiday season. But I gotta drop it on you how it is. This ain't fucking spix and niggas and Arabs. These are white kids, okay? So there's no even blame. In Littleton, Colorado. Have you been to Littleton, Colorado? Have you been to that fucking area? They don't even like black people there. There's no chubbies in that fucking area. So we have to take care of this fucking problem. Something's there. I'm not fucking pointing fingers at nobody. I'm just stating a fucking fact here. My heart goes out to these families. I have to try. I live in fear. You think I'm in a homeschool, mercy? I don't know what the fuck to do

Yeah, because it's happening in night It's not like it's happening Regardless of race It's not happening in bad neighborhoods Like I was just on my podcast yesterday Happened at my school Luckily the kid didn't bring a gun The kid brought a knife and only got one kid

But it like Did you see it? I didn't I luckily I came in afterwards And they brought us to a different room It's devastating for a child to see that Listen man One of the fucking things And I make fun of everything

In my childhood And one thing I don't make fun of is what I saw when I was about, I saw a couple fucking bad things when I was 13 or 14. After my mother died, I saw a Mazda RX7 with a young couple in it fucking against the pole one night, wrapped around a pole. And I was going to hit an ass with Mike Denny. Mike Denny's doing 20 a life, no parole in North Carolina right now

for fucking killing his wife. God bless you, Mike. I swear to fucking God, Mike Denny's doing 20 of a life. I was going to hit an assort with him. We listened to Aerosmith and we saw the accent we got out. And I still remember till this day the girl yelling for her life. He was dead. She was yelling for her life.

That shit I shouldn't have seen at 16. But guess what it taught me? I don't fucking drink and drive. Yeah. Okay. When I was about 12, maybe 13, there was a couple. The house that you saw, you witnessed the fucking house. I lived in the house here next to me.

There was a wall and there was the Ortizzi's and another family. The Otisys owned the house. So in New Jersey and other residential cities, people own a house. They live downstairs, and the people upstairs rent out. There's one couple that lived upstairs for a short time. And I became friendly with the woman. The woman was fucking beautiful. You know, when you see like a 40-year-old woman, that's hot.

She was Spanish. And the boyfriend was kind of an asshole. He always had a park on the street. He always had a beef because the artisers had the garage. He had started a beef with the artisers. And one night, I fucking come home. I don't know where the fuck I'm at,

but I'm with Jose Torres. He drives me home. Pappo, that's what his name was. He drives me home. I get out of the car, and as I'm entering my house, I hear a woman yelling, bro. And I didn't know who it was,

and I was young, and I was scared, and I was a little fucking faggot. I'm not going to lie to you. I couldn't wait to open up the dorm running, and within that I heard her run out. And it was Mrs. whatever her name was, run out. Half naked, beautiful fucking body.

I'm 40% of her body. Blood all over her fucking head. Blood all over her fucking face. And I opened the door and she ran. I go, Ma, it's lay her next door. And lady ran in and my mom's like, who did this to you? And she goes, my husband. Dog, my mom went and got like three fucking knives.

That bitch was polishing those motherfuckers. Jesus Christ. There was one thing about my mother. She hated all that shit. She hated all that. She didn't call the police. She's like, all right, I'll get some knives. No.

My mother was anti-exam. domestic violence and there's no police necessary. I'll take care of this fucking problem. I love that story of you had a sleepover and like your mom threw an ashtray and went wand. Oh, that's a true. And then she hit him in the head

and then he lit the cigarette and threw it out and she hit him in the head with a saint. She hit him in the head with a fucking saint guys. And even though she was bleeding, she goes that's the last time that motherfucker ever hit me again. My mom had a strict fucking thing against that shit unwritten.

You know, I didn't know until years later the whole story. The reason why she had the alias and all that stuff is because she had stabbed somebody in Cuba. When she was 16, somebody said something to her sister, she fucking opened that motherfucker up. They had to take her out of Cuba. Then she came back with the alias and she got out. And she went down there and had me.

That's why I can't even find paperwork because she had me in that fucking alias. Oh, my God. Yeah, this is a fucking story for the ages here. The alias. That's the fucking story of my life. But it's hysterical. guy came running up.

Let me tell you what happened. That guy came running up, but something happened that saved that man's life. And I'm going to tell you what, sometimes something saves your life. That's even worse than the fate that's getting served to you. So we pull her in, and we shut the door.

Okay. And I'm like, you know, I'm a kid. I don't know. I'm yelling. Call the cops. Call the police. I don't even know. There was no cops in front of my mom. I couldn't even say the word cops. Not that she hated him, but she didn't believe him calling the police. This is a block problem. Let's take care of it. There's a fucking block. And as I ran in or something, I don't know what that bitch said. I saw her running for the kitchen. And my mom had a draw of regular knives. And then she had the other thing with the

big butcher knife. She like cutting shit. I remember she took two knives out. And she went to the door. But I hear something hit. And we thought it was he had hit the garage. What happened was Juan was opening up the garage door. So the guy ran into one outside. With the wand didn't like the guy and Juan would take the guy out within minutes. And I guess Juan said something to the guy. Then my mother came out with a knife. And that's when Juan looked at my mother and my mother went in. And that was the end of that.

They'd put the lady up. I don't remember the whole thing. They taped her up and cleaned her up. She was a knockout. I remember thinking about fucking him when she was sleeping upstairs at night beat up. I was a young kid with no hair on my dick. But she was that hot. She was a real fucking cougar.

Not like your dirty whores walking around until they'd clawing yourself. Stop texting. Lee Cox's second. So that's that. But you know, I made a joke about it, but it was traumatizing to see a woman covered in fucking blood. Oh, yeah, I can imagine. He had opened the head.

He did so many bad things to her. And I remember the next day my mom said something to him, and they moved out probably two weeks after that. It was around the holidays. It was around the holidays, and that happened. Yeah. I remember we had a tree in the living room. It was around the holiday.

So it was a couple days afterward, or a couple days before, and this went down, and they were gone by, like, January 15. Like, they were gone. She was embarrassed. He was embarrassed. Yeah, that's a, it's, it's, it's, you know, listen, man, this kid thing, I worry every day. When I go to the mall to play with her some times, I'm sitting there going, when I go in there, I'm prepared.

I'm looking at the exits. I know that I could smother her. You know, I'll take the bull instead of her. She's fucking 11 months. So you're prepared for this, and it's very sad. It's terrible. That's cool come out. E.B.

What's up, dog? What's up, baby? Everything, all right. Where are you at? I'm in my car, down the street from my house. Oh, that's right. You get no reception up there

and planet fucking 10th planet rock. Am I on the air? Yeah, you're on the air. You're live, brother. We don't fuck around what you're gonna tape you for Tuesday. Fuck that shit. How are you doing for that, man?

Nothing. We're just here talking about, you know, this last kid shooting that, you know, you're a parent and I'm a parent now, and it's so weird how you have to think now, like 10 years ago, if a kid, if a school got shot,

you think about it, you say it's a shame, but now you know that your son will be in school in three years, and you know, you think about these things now, you know? And we're talking about maybe homeschooling your child. What are your thoughts, my man? Well, I'm down for homeschool, and I like that. I think if you put your kids in jiu-titsu

or a good martial arts program, they'll get that camaraderie that's needed growing up that you get from school. You know, but in school, some kids get put through bullshit and I think I'm not sure but I'm starting to think

that because I know some homeschooled kids that do jihitsu and they're great kids they're actually better than normal they're extraordinary and they're really good at Jiu-Tzu and they have a great relationship

with their father it's uh I see that time and time again and um if there's one guy at Hapa Menda school that's homeschooled and he trains most of the time and you know that's growing up, he's growing up in

honesty, you know, because in school kids, they have no idea how their ego is making them act like fools. They have no idea. You can't do that in Jigets. In kids class, there's no bullying, there's nothing but respect to one another. You respect the younger kids because you remember

when you were younger, and you respect the older kids because you know you have to. There's no choice. You can't be a douchebag to someone that could tap you out five times in five minutes. It just doesn't make the sense. So it's forced you to be honest. So I don't know. Homchooling is something that me and my wife are definitely thinking about. We still got time to really, you know, make the final decision. But my wife is just super mom. She's,

she's already homeschooling them. You know, all she does is teach them all day. She's just, she's homeschooling them already, so she might be able to handle it. I don't know. I don't know. We'll see. But as far as the school shooting goes, you want to, you want to, I see a real school shooting, like, the way, you know, that I'd still not convinced of what happened in Sandy Hook was, I don't know what the fuck happened there. But when you look at a real school shooting, you go to YouTube and push Brazil school shooting, and you see what a school shooting looks like. It's kids fucking going nuts, running out of the classroom, there's blood everywhere. Some kids are shot in the arms, some kids are shot. They're like everyone's going nuts.

All the kids are scattering running. You know, Sandy Hook there was none of that. Like all the kids were dead and some little retard kid killed all the kids. None of them got away. There's nobody injured and there's nobody hurt. And there's no video of hysteria and kids running out of the school and everyone going nuts. Everything was all quiet on lockdown. Like it was like church or something.

It was weird. I don't know that Sandy Hook shit. I don't. There's too much bullshit going on with that. We didn't get the whole truth. There's some other shit going on there. that's what I think anyway. I never really looked into it that much

because I don't even want to look into it. I don't really want to even know I know it's something fucked up. I know it's something more than what we know. I know this. This could not just be happening because kids are doing this. These kids are walking in there and they have fucking mo moaned up.

You see the pictures when they arrest them. If they live, they have fucking moaned up. It looks like they're on fucking drugs or something. Look at this kid that went into LAX. is not right. But, you know, all you do, Eddie,

Eddie, when I go out to eat now, when I go to a mall and I'm eating, I'm nervous. I'm going to be nervous in Vegas next weekend. Any room I might go into that?

Yeah, I'm going for the... You're going to stay for the UFC? No, no, no, I'm coming back. I got a babysitter. It's my wife's birthday, and I'm coming back.

I'll tape it and watch it later on. Isn't that crazy? Isn't it crazy? Probably the greatest UFC ever to date is that Saturday. We've been to so many that we could just, no problem.

It's like, you know what, I'd rather just get on a plane and watch it at home at night by myself. Isn't that crazy? I've been gone for six weeks. Before this weekend right now, it was six weeks before that.

So right now, I don't have time to waste a night. You know, when I sit for the UFC, it's six hours in the daytime that you sit there, smoking dope, you go down, you talk to some people,

you eat, then the fight. Then you're sitting on your ass for another six hours. You're thinking about jokes. You're thinking about all this shit. I get anxiety. You know, by the 7 o'clock car, I'm getting anxiety. I'm like, fuck.

And then Vegas locks you out. Because there's no way to get out of Vegas after 9 o'clock unless you drive the fuck out. And I ain't driving. There's no flights after 9 o'clock. Did you know that? That's nuts. You would think that there would be some 2 a.m. flights out of Vegas,

into Vegas and out of Vegas. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. And they do that for a fucking reason. If you're not at the airport by 8 o'clock on Friday and Saturday, forget going fucking home

from Vegas. You found out. You drove both times, right? Not Eddie, my man here. Yeah, yeah. What's on the horizon, Eddie? What are you hearing? You know, people ask me all the time if there's super fight still on with you and my man. I don't have no fucking answers.

What are you hearing? Yeah, it's on 100%. It's on 100%. You will find out soon the date, and you will find out soon the venue. But it's happening a thousand percent. And you know what? I got to tell you, and I got to tell you like a man, I love you to debt. I will probably be at the event.

I have a gig that weekend in Miami, or they closed Miami, but they put me in Fort Laudan. But I got to tell you, I will be there with a tent-planet hat on, the shirt, my cock-out, saluting the tent-planted flag. But I can not walk with you as one of your trainers because the last time that happened, It was bad luck. Bad luck? Yeah. That was the beginning of mayhem's bad luck

when he brought Kevin James. He don't know about fucking Jiu-Jitsu. Why is you up there standing up there spreading bad luck? The guy had two bad movies back to back and this idiot takes him up there to jump up and down. That was the beginning of the end for Mayhem. So I can't do that for you.

You're my brother. I have no position. If I was a purple belt, I would walk you down. If I was a purple belt, I would walk you down because I could offer you advice. I can say grab the leg. Eddie, get down. Watch the fucking underhook.

I can tell you that shit, but you know me, I'm just a fucking corporal. You know what? That's actually really good advice that you just said right there. I know you probably weren't even thinking, you were probably just talking out of your ass, but you said watch the underhook. And that's what he likes to get on top. He likes to get in top half and grab that head and arm with the underhook,

and that's what he did to me in the first match. So that was good advice, because I am going to watch that underhook. You know how many times I watched that fucking fight at you in Brazil and you crying and hugging and jumping up and down and all that? I probably watched that fight 250 times No way Yeah I watch that

I watch it in cries I cry for you sometimes How's the after I really got to know you I would watch it And I was blown away That this is the same kid I went down to some strip club To see and you know

This is amazing This is amazing to me So amazing that it took me Fucking eight years to join jujitsu And now I fucking love it I love it I watch all your videos online I watch you first

Now I've been watching watching you too much and I watch Marcelo Garcia, the number two man. I watch I watch... I'm jealous. I watch... Oh man, I watch your stuff. But my favorite all-time matches

you against Joe Marrera when you did the John Jock Sweep. And I still want you to teach me the John Jock sweep, but you're not going to put a Guitop on so I'm in no danger. So that's the situation there. That's my favorite one. When you were a Purple Belt and you fought Joe Marrero.

But I watched, it was funny because I I get into videos and I'll put them on my lineup and I'll watch them and I'll smoke pot and I'll write jokes and I hadn't watched the Brazilian fight to Abu Dhabi since about August. Now I watched it last week and I called you immediately with a question that why did you start so low with your feet out like that? That was the reason why. I didn't want to tell you. But no, I watch all that stuff.

You know, I'm 50. I can't do a lot of the stuff. But I was why I know. Remember what was that? Remember Carter? Remember Black Carter that used to train with you? He used to trade out of Lloyd Irvine school. He came with the Arab for a while.

They were training that had the weed store. Yes, yes. Black Carter. Black Carter. Carter. Carter, yeah, he's my friend on Facebook. He once told me that with Jiu-Jitsu, you have your money moves. He goes, yeah, you know all those moves, but you don't fucking do them.

They're not for your body type. He goes, you're going to learn three or four moves or your body type, and you're going to know them how Rhonda Rousey knows the arm bar. you know and that's all you fucking need so this is why it's so weird how I started watching all your stuff and it's amazing you're an amazing fucking jiu jitzu guy and I understand your

you know philosophies I just I have half the flexibility Eddie I have to have the flexibility my legs are fucking even more flexible than they were years ago yeah it's never too late to do jiu jih Tzu there's babies that do jiu jih Tzu there's a 80 year old people to do J JGGFUFUts never too late.

And there's a lot of people out there that aren't in the best shape of their life, you know what I mean? So you can use Jiu-Gitia to get them the best shape of your life. You have no idea how many guys came in and after a year Jiu-Jitza they lost 100 pounds. Robert Bradley, the editor of my show, the Matching System and my podcast, he used to be over 300 pounds.

He's 190 pounds now. And that was all from Jigitza. You know, so it's never too late to start over. It's never too late to get your shit together. It's never too late to get in the best shape of your life. And the older you get, the more of a reason you should get in the best shape of your life. The old, you know, some people say, well, you know, I'm too old. I'm too old.

That's why you have to get in shame. That's why you have to be one of those dudes that's 65 years old. but look fucking great. You know what I mean? Body looks good. There's no reason why you can't. There's nothing holding you back. There's no chains tying you down.

You can do whatever you want. You can move your body in any way you want. There's no, nothing's illegal. You could do Jiu-Jit, you can go to the gym. You can watch what you eat. You can do all that shit. Everyone out there can be in the greatest shape of your life. You know, if you're a quadriplegic, maybe not,

or something, or you're missing your legs. but still look at Kyle Maynard that guy doesn't have any arms and he doesn't have any legs and he's out there going to jitjitza. That guy doesn't have any arms, any legs, and he's out there doing jitza. And he looks great too. He has a face of an Abercrime research model.

So anybody telling me they're too old or they're out of shape and I don't hear any of that. I don't hear any of that. I go in there, Eddie, and I am blown. away by what I'm learning Eddie. You don't understand. This is all new to me. And the first I ain't going to lie to you, the first 90

days, I didn't know what the fuck they were talking about. All my goal was, was to get back in the car two hours later. That's it. I wasn't tapping out. I wasn't going to go home. Nothing was going to stop me. I was just going basically, I don't know nothing.

Arm bars. I knew nothing, Eddie. I knew what I watched on UFC, what I watched when I watch your tapes. The only thing I watch, I don't watch Marcello's fights on YouTube. I tell you what I do watch. I watch all his beginner stuff. He's got great escapes from the side mount and stuff like that. I do watch little things like that.

I think a lot of my side control escape systems from Marcello. The combination of Marcello's best stuff, Jean-Jacques' best stuff, and Avi Vasquez's best stuff. I put all that together. There's so many different ways to escape side control. You look at the way Hannah teaches it online, and he's him and here on her doing some other kind of. They're on their back, and their opponent has them inside control,

and they're clinching them from the bottom of squeezing them and just smash them so they're on the top, but that you have to push off to get anything going. And as soon as he pushes off, they time it perfectly and go and recover guard. It's pretty amazing. I mean, I'm sitting here talking about it, and as I'm talking about it, I'm like, damn, I've got to start working on that shit. You know what I mean?

Because, you know, my side control system is not like the Huron-Henner one. It's like the opposite. So it'd be a good way. I used to always use my flexibility to escape. You know, my flexibility is pretty good. And I always relied on that for escaping, escaping the mount, escaping the back, escaping side control. But not everyone has the flexibility I do.

So I decided to get, you know, put my pedal to the metal and master. side control skips that don't require flexibility, which I wasn't used to. But I decided to do it. And then now, since I did it, and I got the best of Jean-Jacques Machia. I went to his academy.

It was Jean-Jop, my brother, my father, my grandfather, show me your best shit. Because this flexibility is that great, so I just wanted to pick him. Marcelo Garcia doesn't have good flexibility either. Take his shit, And then Javi Vosquez, he has great flexibility, but he's got similar stuff to Marcelo and Sanchach,

but he's got his own twist on it, and I took concepts of all three, and put them together into a system where I could teach and make it really, really easy to learn and follow and actually implement. But now what I'm doing is I'm combining all the non-flexibility escapes back with my flexibility escapes. I'm putting them together, and really that's the ultimate goal. You're all the goal is to keep, always work on your flexibility, always try to get to the next level of your flexibility. No matter where you're at in the development, no matter where you're at, you still got to work to at least maintain, and at least get to the next level. Let's get to the next level. And then we get to the next level, then we'll worry about the level above that.

But let's just take it level at time. A lot of people look at working on the flexibility, and the flexibility sucks. But then as they can talk, man, there's no way I'm going to get to, you know, in full loaders. There's no way. so that they just give up like that. And you know, you've got to learn how to think sometimes, you know. You don't think like that. You think like, okay, that may be unattainable.

You could think that if you want, it's not. But you could think that that makes you feel better. But what is attainable is that next level of flexibility, which is a little bit better, or at least maintaining your flexibility. So whether you believe you can achieve the proper flexibility or not, you have to believe that you have to maintain it, because if you don't maintain it, you'll get worse and worse and worse. So at the very least, don't let it get worse.

But what's going to end up happening is you are going to take it to that next click, that next level. And then from there, you'll pick it to the next click. So no matter where you are on those click, those thousand levels, no matter where you are, every day, everyone's doing the same thing. Me, Sean Bowenger, who's super flexible, you know, Einstein, who's kind of flexible now. He used to suck, but he finally got his shit together. guys that are way low on the level.

We all are doing the same thing. No matter where you're at, no matter who you are, no matter what color you are, we're all doing the same thing, working on our flexibility, working on our next level, whatever that level may be. So no matter who you are,

you've got to at least maintain it. If you're super flexible, you're going to still stretch to maintain it. So, you know, no matter what you believe, no matter what you think. I'm having a hard time with judo rolls, Eddie. Well, yeah. You know, the bigger you are, the harder, a lot of the techniques you're going to be,

but you're going to use that to motivate you. It doesn't mean you can't do it. No, no, no, no, I'm trying. You've got to practice it. You got to practice. Yeah, I do those things from YouTube. There's a Brazilian guy that has this thing, five drills, the better Jiu-Jitsu. And at night I put it on, I see the drills.

And it's basically on my back and my feet on the wall. I put a sheet there so my dirty feet don't stain the paint. And I do all those little drills now, you know? and now I could put my leg over for the arm bar and shit like that, but I'm still having a hard time. I could do the whole length of the floor now to the hip escape. When I went in there, I could do three hip escapes, and I thought I was going to faint, Eddie.

The scary, Eddie, the first three months I went to Jiu-Zitsu before I go, I kissed those cats, because I definitely thought I was going to get a heart attack. And at that time, I had been doing two years of Kung Fu with the brothers. I go to the Y and hit the bag. I do so many fucking things, but it didn't prepare me for the cardio because I knew none of that stuff

and I was moving around with 300 fucking pounds or weight trying to do those hip escapes and then it was this one kid who's a nerd who goes dog let me fucking fix this hip escape for you you're using too much energy I want you to roll more on your arm and then it started working you know my hip hip and now I could do it

and I love it like now dog I do more hip escapes and I do anything when I go to a hotel now I go to the fucking workout thing and I do 20 hippescapes, and I put myself back in the position like I'm grabbing the guard back again. I do those stupid things.

Salami gave me that big book. The main thing you've got to remember now, Joey, is you've got to always remind yourself and always review the new techniques that you're getting good at. Remember how bad you were, Adam. Remind yourself of that. And then...

Because people forget. And then you forget that you... get everything that you're good at. You just think about how good you are at the stuff you're good at, and that's it, and you forget about how bad you were with it, and then over time, once you put in the numbers

and the reps, it slowly gets better than all of a sudden one day you're rolling, and boom, you hit that shit like you owned it, like your whole life. And you forget how bad you suck, so then what happens is when you forget how bad you sucked at it, when you learn a new technique,

if it doesn't feel good to you and it feels awkward to you, you'll think, a lot of guys will think, and I did this sometimes too, but you've got to go back and break it down like a detective, but you will think, you know what, this one's just not for me. It feels really awkward.

I don't really like it. I'm not going to do it. This is not in my body type. And if you get into that kind of way of thinking and breaking down new moves, you'll never add new shit. You know, you've got to remind yourself Okay, everything felt awkward like this.

Remember, dummy? It all felt like shit. You can learn this move. You can be a master of this move. Don't be retarded. Don't be lazy. Think. You want this moving your arsenal or not?

Yes, of course you do. All you got to do is know that it's going to feel like shit in the beginning. But in time with training numbers and reps, just that elementary ABC bullshit that you've learned your whole life. Just that, if you just remember that, you're going to put that weapon in your system, and then you're going to put the next weapon in your system, and then any weapon you want,

then once you realize that and you think about that, and you actually think about it every day, you will begin to start making a list of all the techniques you want in your arsenal. You're like, I don't need to have three go-to moves. The only reason people have three go-to moves is because they're not a jiu-jitsu so much fun to rule that people don't want to practice anymore. They just want to roll because it's so much fun. And if all you do is roll, it's very hard to add new things into your system.

You have to drill and practice shit you suck at, knowing that you're going to be a master at this technique. It feels awkward and feels clumsy. And you know, you know, you're not even beginning to get in that train of thought. And you're like, man, this move is just not going to pan out for me. You don't ever get into that train of thought, and you'll have a bag of weapons, 30, 40, 50 weapons, not 30. I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you what. Two things fucked me. I'm infatuated right now with the, fuck. I'm infatuated with what your boy was doing to Chad Mendez last week. What was his guard on the floor? Nick Len. What was he doing to him?

He was sticking his feet under his knees. What's that called? And he was pushing his hips up. He's really good. Nick Lentz is. He's a wrestler who is one of those round wrestlers that has a best shot. shit off his back is a guillotine from the guard.

But, I mean, Ben Aby is very good. He was down at my school for two weeks. No, I remember. And I'll tell you what else I like, Eddie, because it fucked me up as the spider guard. I was rolling with these guys from Seamy Valley, and this fucking little skinny dude was fucking me up with that spider guard. And the next time I pulled that fucking guy into class, and I go, listen, I'll give you an extra $20.

Let's work with me on this fucking spider guard. And he did it. And now I break out of it. But now I'm trying to do it. people because it works better for me. I could pull them by the collar and either get them in like a half omapata with my leg or I could try to get them in a in a fucking but see this is how much you influenced me. Me and you got super fucking high one day and went to Houston's and that to me that day was the day I wanted to get into jih Tijuana. It took me three years because I was so

scared but I said if I ever got into jih Tijuana I was going to do exactly what you said. You gave me a fucking ear-beaten. That was so brilliant, Eddie. I wish I would have taped it. Because you said, you told me where the future Jiu-Jitsu is going, in your own words, but the key thing, you said you have to learn how to fight off your back. And I'll tell you, Eddie, I'm a big fat fuck,

but I hate getting on top of people. I'm infatuated with learning how to work off my back because I'm just infatuated with it, Eddie. Number one, I want to overcome my sleep apnea. Number two, these are all the fears that I had walking in there. I didn't go

in that it become a black belt. I went in there to overcome my fears. My fear of breathing on my back, my fear of dying on my back. This jujitsu for me, and when I leave jujitsu, it's better for me than going to Vegas and winning $5,000. It does for my esteem what

nothing has done for me. Because this has nothing to do with me being a tough guy yet. This has, for me, I liked everything you said because I know it would overcome my fears. That's it. Yeah, I just, you know, if you're comfortable on your back, and you're dangerous off your back,

you become more than just comfortable, and then you end up loving being on your back. I mean, there is no bad spot for you in a fight, you know? If you don't like being on your back, if you don't enjoy it, if you try to, anytime you're in the guard, you're just like, you just stand up and you just don't want to be there.

One day, and it may happen often, more often than you think, you're going to have people put you on your back and there's nothing you can do about it. And then you're fucked. So, and that's the worst-case scenario. That's your nightmare. So let's handle the nightmare.

Let's make... I love it. I love it. It's true in that nightmare into a dream. A beautiful dream. A dream that you could fly. You know, those kind of dreams. And you can do it. Because I start...

The only time I'll start a rule on top of someone is if someone insists and they want a pull guard. They really... I usually just say, I'm pulling guard. I'm basically handicapping myself. And usually people are, well, they want to go on top of it.

Okay. And I just want the foot. I like starting just from the foot. I pull half guard, and it's not even half guard. I pull quarter guard. That's where I like to start. So the only thing worst in quarter guard is being side controlled. So I like to start right on the edge of getting my guard pass.

I love that. See, that's where my game starts. So, and then, you know, you've got to start. side control escapes, then you're covered. You've got good mount escapes. Like, I'm not really worried about being side control of being mounted. I'm really not. I mean, I still get caught every now and then.

Don't get me wrong. I mean, I'm all over with my dogs every night, and I got some killers. And every pound, then I get caught. But I'm not ever freaking out, ever if someone's mounting me or someone side controlling me. That doesn't really bother me. You know, I've been there so much, and I embrace it. and getting out of side control feels like a mini tap. It's like when someone passes you by the got your side control and you recover.

It feels like a mini tap. It's not a full person, like a quarter tap. You know what I'm saying? It's like, damn, you have side control on me and boom. Now you're back in my guard. You may never get side control ever again. It feels good. I like it.

So I feel if everyone felt good on the back and they like playing it, I like getting on top. I like using most of my. guardwork to get on top. I love passing the guard, and I love getting mount. I love working the mound. I love getting the back. I love getting in the truck. But I love it more when I started in the hole, and I earned all that. I started in number one. It's like playing a video game. You know, you can play a video game, and you get, can you imagine playing Miss Pac-Manning, and you start right at that, right away at that level where the bananas come out, like that fourth level. Like, who does that? You want to

start from the beginning. Like, you put your quarter of, you. You put your quarter, and you want to start the game from the beginning. And to me, the beginning starts when you're in a bad spot, and you're in a hole. All you have is quarter guard. You really don't have that much. What can you do from there? And I got a whole system from there.

People that I roll with, they know that once I get the foot, that's my home base. That's where I start from. It seems like a bad spot for me, but I don't think it's a bad spot. I like it. My whole game starts from now. That's where step one is right there. Boom.

I grab that foot. So I believe that it's a, I think I'm trying to instill that in all my students, just to feel comfortable, feel offensive off your back. Then there's really no, when you're on top, you take more chances, too, because you don't care about getting rolled. There's a lot of guys that like staying inside control. They don't want to mount because when they mount,

they get rolled, and now they're on their back, and they're like, it's harder for that dude to roll me. When I have them inside control, some getting in the mount. There's fight teams and fight camps that have that velocity. Don't mount, because when you're mount, you can get rolled, and then you're going to be on your back. So the thing is, they are, that is true.

But yes, side control is more stable than the mount. But the mount is where you could do all damage, and that's where all the beautiful transitions come from. Yes, you could submit guys from side control, but it's harder. You have more control, harder to submit, harder to do damage with punches and elbows. It's harder. You can't get into the crucifix, yes. But generally, overall, it's harder to do damage inside control,

and it's harder to submit inside control, but you can do it. They're there. mount, you have less stability, but damn, you could punch right down on his face, you could elbow right down on his face. It makes him panic. When a guy mounts you and he can punch an elbow you, you're fucking panicking. So you're making all these stupid moves. Yes, it's less stable, but you master it, like, riding a horse.

Like, you get really good at getting as stable as possible and transitioning into arm bars or arm triangles or mounted triangles or into spider web. once you are um or just getting the back because you're blasting them so much he just does what nature's telling them to do with his DNA like turn your back protect your face and then boom you're on his back um so uh the more the better you are at the guard the more you're going to develop your mount because you're now worried about getting rolled so you'll you'll see in jihits with the guys with the best mounts usually have wicked

guards if they mount more because they're not afraid of getting rolled that's what shitty guard, have a hard time developing their mount because a fear of getting rolled. They'd rather stand side control. They don't mount as much. Does that make sense to you, Joey? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I understand. I don't really, I don't try to mount unless

where am I going? I got, I got two things. I got a geek choke and I got a fucking Americana. That's all. And I'm not good at either. I'm not good at either. You know, this is some advice, Joey. Just for me to you, even if you don't you're not good at finishing guys in the mount it's a good practice and good training

you have to learn how to train as you roll so you're not just rolling to get the tap it's not about i just got a tap this motherfucker's fast as i can it's not about that that's good too but you got to combine training and developing new techniques in you're rolling too like let's say uh i'm telling you that it's very very important to uh develop a mountain and a dangerous mountain so if you believe me Then you'll believe. I believe you. I believe, then you mount, even if you don't have a submission,

just mount them and control them. Because the better you are controlling in the mount, the easier the submissions come. So, and another way of saying is you can't get any submissions from the mouth if you can't control them. So why don't we work all the control first? So you pass the, you sweep the guy, you pass the guy, you're inside control, get to the mount,

and just control is that. Try to work the submission. Try to work them, but if you don't get them, so what? You had some ride time there. You accumulated ride time, which will come back. It's like money. It's going to pay you back because when you finally start getting offensive in the mound, all those roles that you had like that,

we mounted the guy for the last minute of the role or the last two minutes. You didn't cap them, but you mounted them and you got ride time. And that all accumulates, and it's going to, it goes towards, It's like a retirement plan. It goes to your mount development. You know, if you've got someone's back and you can't finish them, and you're on it back for like a minute or two, you got ride time there.

Even though you didn't finish them, you actually did get better at the rear naked choke, even though you didn't even finish them, but you got better at it. When you mount and you don't get a finish, you actually got better at the mount and that finish that didn't even come up. It didn't even come up. But the reason you got better at it is because you got some ride time and control.

You got to spend. time where you're getting in the mouth, getting on the back, getting in every position. Every position. Every position. Like you're playing rubber guard. This is something I always say. Guys will go, yeah, I get them the mission control, and I get them and then you know, have them in a chill dog or New York or whatever and all these different rubber guard positions. But I can't finish them. I get stuck there. And I tell them, as long as you're getting there, keep getting there. Accumulate that ride time. That's going to make the next steps easier. The fact that you got there and controlled him.

I mean, in fact, we do live drills work. We'll start guys in mission control. And all the dudes on the bottom in the guard, he doesn't have to do nothing. He just has to control his opponent for one minute. We have the timer going. And the guy on top, in the guard, he has to try to bust out. So the guy on the bottom, we're not even trying to go down the path. We're not even trying to set up the mission.

We're just trying to control and accumulate ride times. Very important that you mesh that into your rolling as well. Like there's some positions that I'll get, like there's a move called the Cancr Crusher from side control. And to set it up, it's hard to explain over the phone, but you really control, it's a really good side control control position where you're clenching and you're trapping your opponent's inside arms, smashing. You're setting up a dark. But the setup is called the Cancatcher. I'll stay there for like two minutes just to work on the control. Even if I don't get the submission, I'll stay there.

because I know the next time I come back, my control is going to be better, and it's going to be easier to submit. And even if I don't submit it in the next time, if I accumulate it some ride time, the next time will be easy, and you just keep going. It's not about always just getting the tap when you roll. It's about working on your clenches, working on your control, dominating guys in certain positions, so that when you come back, you're so dominating in this position,

then you could start looking at the submissions. Because if you start looking at the submissions before you really even have total domination, of them before you can totally immobilize them, it's not going to work anyways. So before you can finish someone, you have to establish dominance in the position. Does that make sense? It makes it.

You know, right now, I can't lie to you sometimes. I pass the guard. I get them inside control. I start to go for an arm, and by that time, I'm fucking tired. I ain't going to lie to you, dog. You're my brother. But I'm working on the cardio.

I'm working on it, all right? I'm working on. Of course you're tired. You're battling a grown-ass man. a hundred percent you guys are wrestling each other he doesn't want his guard path shit people that's that's a big part of uh rolling in class when we do an hour of technique and an hour of rolling or sometimes less than an hour because we do we i'd overdo the drilling lately so we're cutting into our sparring time but we're i'm just drilling the shit out of my guys but yeah i mean

when we have a full session of sparring um yuck we're trying to get in for six, eight-minute rounds. And if you can do six, eight-minute rounds, you're in a fucking perfect good shape. Yeah, you're in great shit. So some guys will do two rounds, and then they'll take that third round off,

come back for the fourth, take the fifth round off, come back to the six. You know, that's okay. That ain't no big deal. That's totally fine. Because in a month, they'll come back for the first three, and then another month, they'll do, yeah, I understand that concept.

Yeah, absolutely, you're right. No one's bagging on you. You know, you're just at a point where, You had, like, you know, guys will come in and they had to miss a month of training, so that's going to fuck up their cardio 100%, you know? So, you know, everyone knows, no one goes like, oh, you big pussy. You can't fucking do all the round. Everyone knows.

He's like, fuck, my cardio fucks right now. I've got to start training more. It's not like people don't look down upon you. Everyone's at a different level. Some guys are on fire. They're training for a fight. They can do six, eight minutes of a round easy, you know? and it's cool.

It's a goal. It's like, you know when you get there, you're like, fuck, I did it, dude. I fine, fucking did my first six minute, a six, eight-minute roll. And then now you want to keep it. Now you're like, fuck, I want to keep it. I don't want to go back down.

And then you cheap it for like a month. And then a couple weeks you start getting lazy and taking a round or two off here and that, and then you start feeling it. You know, so everyone's at a different level. You're a fucking savage. I'm happy you called today, but you're a bad motherfucker, dog.

I wanted to get the sudden away. I'm happy to be... Joe, I appreciate it, man. You know I love you, Doug. What the fuck? I love you, too, man. I'm gonna stop by Van Nuys tonight, representing Eddie Bravo and let him know and shit.

I'm like you're fucking whatever tonight. You couldn't make it, things happen, but I'm here dropping off an embo. It's gonna be all right. All right, man, thank you, Joey. Also, I just want to plug my podcast real quick. Do your thing, brother. Eddie Bravo Radio is my podcast.

We've been doing it for a year. We got like 30-some episodes. They're long, episode. So if you're a guy out there that likes to listen a podcast to Kill Time at work or Kill Time in the drive to and from work, man my podcast is long. We talk

a lot of bullshit. It's boring and shit, but it's probably, it might be better than, you know, than dealing with your job. So you can get that on iTunes and Stitcher. Also, TemplanetJ.J.com. If you want to learn the 10 Planet 6th,

just click techniques, it's all right there, man. Thank you, Joey, for having me. Love you, brother. I'll call you later. You're going down to Orange County. I'll see you when you get back. Okay, man. All right, beautiful.

Bye. Nice, see? A little jihito talk for you on a Friday. We just switch it up a little bit. Can't be about that. What the fuck you're giggling about? How high are you over there? He was making this...

The design of pussy with his hand. I was catching him. He was intrigued. Look at him. He's giggling. Look at this fucking guy. I have to deal with you. I haven't heard any Bravo talk when I was sober from months.

ever since he came up to San Jose and then he was at the Ice House every time I'm anywhere near to look at his voice you give me so fucking stone That's the plan dog I can't be walking around I think he enhances it

I can't believe that you sit here at night On that fucking couch And you don't smoke dope I leave you 15 roaches Oh you need to go like this Mm-hmm Come here take a hit I can get up right now

You can get up We got more cheap but chew for you Oh I'm gonna love Oh, look at this. We got a nice hybrid for you. This will kick you. This will put a little pep in your step. What do you think?

I'm calling the fucking guy from AlphaBrain. We're going to start putting you on AlphaBrand. I can use it. I know you can use it. Look at you. You're all fucked up. You're going to go and get some son with me after the show today. That's it.

We're going to sit downstairs for five minutes. Put you in the sun. Jesus Christ, I'm back in my eyeball with this fucking thing. Don't forget. There's a time of the year where you look for next year and you say, what can I do about like next year? To be out to you people, I'm thinking to go into a jih Tijuana tournament.

Oh shit. Just to get my ass kick, but at least I go with these guys and do the camaraderie and stuff. I haven't had that in years. That's one of my goals, you know. So I don't know what you're going through. Make a goal for next year. Do something. You can start it by going to fucking on it.

All right? Because you go to fucking on it and you see what they got. They've got something for you, whether it's kettlebells, whether it's the ropes, whether it's instructional video, whether it's alpha brain or the hemp force. or the 180 turnaround or the hemp force protein bars. They have so many good ways for you to get started with your goals. You know, even if you start with Alpha Brain every other day, you know,

you can't afford it, whatever the fuck. It's like Joseph, steal the nutrients, make it home by yourself. Cut them a fucking tumbo tree down or whatever the fuck it is. I don't know. Chew on a leaf. I don't know what you need to do. But start your year off with Alpha Brain. Start your year off with Shroom Tech.

You know, I do this stuff, and it keeps me sharp. I'm always ready to go at 6 a.m. You motherfucker see me. We just been doing it late because I had a prior fucking radio stuff all across the country today. I called Iowa, D.C., North Carolina, Madison, Wisconsin, two or three sports stations everywhere. How was it? You know, it was what it was. You know, you really can't go off, you know.

You know me, I try to go off a little bit. I try to contain myself. That's pretty crazy, man. That must be exciting for you because I can't, did you do that first stuff for the long? Yard? This is like, this is like... Long as yard was worse, because I was the only Spanish guy, so they made me do everything in Spanish, from

San Antonio to Mexico, to fucking Spain. There was like three or four days of this. This was just one morning for two hours. Oh, no, I'm just saying, like, it's cool that you would think it'd be De Niro and Kevin Hart, like they're doing it too. They're doing it too. If they didn't care about

you being in it, they wouldn't have you do press for it. No, everything helps. Yeah. Listen, every little bit helps. Maybe you were not going to go see it because of Kevin Hart. Maybe you're not going to go see it because of Alan Arkin, you know, so who knows? Listen, guys, you know the fucking deal. I could lie to you and tell you the reason why I'm very happy about the... Who the fuck thought I was going to ever do a movie opposite, fucking De Niro?

I didn't. You motherfuckers didn't even think about it. Me neither. I never thought about it. No mind Stallone, De Niro, Alan Arkin. Whether I saw them, whether I didn't see them, where I got scenes with them or not, I'm in the fucking movie. And I'm very proud of that It makes us feel a little closer

And it should make you people say Jesus fucking Christ If this fat fuck felon did it I could do whatever the fuck I want I got a family I got two legs I got credits So get the fuck out there cock suckers

It all starts it on it Go to Joey Diaz.net And what do they do it on it? They press what? Church Church C-H-U-R-C-H Number two A good fucking present It's cheap

Why not get away with murder Send somebody fucking dollar shave club For Christmas $6 a month $72, sign them up for a year, move on with your fucking life, okay? You don't have to drink coffee with them to be buddy-buddy. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Just send them the fucking present.

Go to Dollar Shave Club. They got three different fucking packages, and all three of them will rock your world. Or they work as a Christmas present. The dollar ones, the $6 package, and the $9 package, correct? Glad damn right. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? They come delivered to you. They send you an email when they send it out to you so you can tell your fucking puberty care.

Don't worry, cock sucker. The razors are coming. All right. I'm shaving you all. this weekend and the white's fucking asshole. It's Han. It's Christmas fucking week. Nobody wants to lick ass under the fucking mistletoe with hair around. It looks like a fucking

whatever the fuck. I don't know. It looks like a barnacle or some shit. All right. So take that to the fucking bank. Let me give some shoutouts here to some very special people. Teddy I don't know. Teddy Slater. Jacob Shaw.

Robert Woolbridge. Casey Sinks. M.J. Rivera. you cocksucker, Bazooka Joe, stucon, too, and Henry Watkins. Merry Christmas to you, motherfuckers, and Merry Christmas to the whole

Debt Squad Nation. This is how we motherfucking do it. You understand me? Smoking dope, getting some sun, drinking water, whatever. Fucking, on a Friday afternoon before the holidays, you want to be working on office, it's up to you, but more power to you.

You know, I love you, cocksuckers. You're out there doing your thing. I want to talk about something very important that a couple people ask me about, and let's just get this shit out. way, right? Listen, these dudes from Doug Dynasty. Okay? Yeah.

You know, really? Really? We're angry. Well, let me explain something to your people. First off, they're never going to get rid of the guy because the show makes too much fucking Guitous. Number one cable show ever. Yeah, they're going to insult the fags for a couple of weeks and people are going to be upset about it and they're going to be back alone because nobody gives a fuck, okay? You know, it's funny that we're getting mad at people for telling the truth.

You believe that in this country, we're getting mad at people for telling the truth. this country we're getting mad at people for telling the truth of how they feel you move one way or the other but everybody's got a everybody's so politically fucking sensitive now so everybody you know i hear fat jokes i hear a bunch of spick joe who gives a fuck you still got to pay for groceries when you go to the supermarket right or wrong yeah why you're worrying about this shit the nfs they got a lead now for the transgender society now they're all really you know it's like you know people I'm sick and tired of recovering drug addicts that'll make you feel bad at the part of like I'm recovering for 13 years listen fuck you bitch you're not special you're not

fucking special you should have been doing fucking drugs in the beginning all right yeah so don't sit around with like a fucking chip on your chest because you don't smoke potty you don't do whatever the fuck you don't do I don't do coke for six years I don't do it because I go to a fucking N.A. or long-tenay organization I went to a rehab I stopped on my fucking own but that don't mean I'm gonna throw it up at people at fucking parties well I don't do this there's people every time I go somewhere there's always that one jerk off there. I'm cleaning and soap. Oh, my God.

Fuck you, bitch, especially in LA. The same thing goes with, you know, these guys, we're getting in trouble for saying the truth to how he feels. Well, guess what? That's how he's in the fucking South Fears. Well, it's not even how he feels. It's like... It's his opinion.

It's his fucking religion. It was born into him because he grew up in the South. In the South? He's 67 years old. What the fuck do you think? What do you think? Everybody in the South is jumping up and down against gay people and black people? No, they hate everybody.

But they can't go on TV. Nobody gives him a fucking voice or puts him on. camera. Finally, you got a voice for somebody and the people get fucking mad. You know, listen, man, I'm sick and tired of everybody getting sensitive and complaining. At the bottom line, A&E ain't going to get rid of the fucking show. And I ain't going to get rid of him

and Diffy. They'll tell him, listen, go hunting for three fucking episodes. Who gives a fuck? Didn't you have somebody with you today doing radio, like, helping you? Like, for a show that big, they don't have a guy approving all interviews. Like, who would approve a GQ

article for him? Listen, man. He's whatever. GQ's interested about these people. I know, I know, but wouldn't anything like fuck, you might say something. No, I mean, they're Christians. They don't even allow people to wear shirts. They don't curse.

They don't do drugs. They don't drink. These people have strong beliefs in this country. And that's the way it's going to be. Listen, what's the scariest gang in the country? It ain't the mafia. And they ain't the fucking KKK. You know who it is? Old white money.

Old white money. It's fucking scary. Those guys got boxes for fucking money, okay? Boxes full of money. He didn't say nothing to insult nobody. He said it in a way to let people know what his opinion was because of his religion. He said it as a joke. I was reading it yesterday.

He said, like, to me, guys, you know, I think a woman's vagina is better than a man's anus. Like, that's like... And it is. I scratch my asshole and sniff it sometimes. I wouldn't want to fuck that. I scratch my ass and sniff it. You think I want to fuck that? When I looked at my ass and sniff it, you think I want to fuck that?

about two years ago and saw what it looked like. I don't know anybody who would want to fuck that. Even if I got raped by a bunch of fags, they ripped my fucking pants down. They'd squeeze my ass and go, I ain't fucking that. That's disgusting. You know,

it looks like, it's like eating a pussy that got hit with a fucking loan mower. That's what my asshole looks like. You got hit with a fucking, anyway. You get me all excited. I'm all right.

I just don't understand why people are. I understand. Because people always going to get offended by something. There's always something to offend somebody. Except normal people who don't give a fuck, who go around their life. You know, when you insult Mexicans, you think these Mexicans are going to stop mowing along to go fucking say something or get a league? They don't give a fuck.

Because life goes forward. And people are going to have their opinions in life. And you're not going to agree with all of them. That's what makes this life so fucking interesting, that we're all not the same. But all of a sudden, this country has gotten this fucking thing that you have to get sensitive about everything. And now it's bleeding into our children because now we're making films about getting bullied. You understand me? When your son gets bullied, you can't make a film about it.

The same thing we're talking about with Jitia. You have to have your son address the situation. Or he's not, he's never going to grow as a human being. You can't hide if a kid cursory. You can't go home and tell your mother because eventually you're going to have to rock the fucking house. You're going to have to rock the house, and then they'll transfer you.

But at least you made your fucking point. When they transfer you in, they're going to say, you see that kid that he got transferring because he hit the other kid with a chair over the fucking head. They were fucking with him. He fought three kids. your kid ain't wrong. He's protecting himself.

Three kids are bull in there trying to take his fucking lunch money. People, I'm not talking out of fucking line here. What the fuck? Wash your dick. Shave that monkey. It's Friday, motherfuckeruckers. Go buy a grandma blow. Do what you do.

Two weeks, you start all over again. I ain't going to do blow no more. I'm not going to go to the gym. I'm going to eat fucking food without gluten. I'm going to, you know, fuck you. You know, just listen, just do whatever fucking makes you happy. That's it. Put it in moderation.

and put it into a little package and stick to the fucking philosophy. That's it. For the last three months, I've been eating one egg with one piece of toast and two pieces of bacon a little bowl of oatmeal.

I used to eat two eggs with two pieces of toast. Or I eat fruit, you know? You think I like that shit? You think I like turkey baiting eating that shit? But even Oscar Meyer, the lean cut is only like two points,

a slice. So if you eat two points, nobody wants to eat an egg with bacon dry like a soldier. You want to put a little breakfast meat in there. You know what I'm saying? I just had salmon for lunch. I've been drinking my protein shakes with the glutecore.

You know, I get that fucking, uh, uh, uh, the fuck, I'm smelling this shit. I get my hem-forced chocolate or my vanilla asai, and I put the gluticorn in, I'm ready to go. My dick is hard, even though I'm not getting testosterone shots. I had a bang one out this morning. I was sweating. Fuck it.

It's Friday. It's Friday. Lee, you want to eat another gloomy bed? No. Do you do it in the shower? What show? What's your? Like, where did you bang?

Like in the shower? Like, I can't imagine. No, in bed. In bed. I threw the cat off the bed so I didn't feel guilty. And I bang one out. You can't whack well for the calendar bed. That's animal cruelty.

You can't be doing that shit, Lee. Lee, what's I say to you? The other thing I'm telling you people also, you give us a Christmas present or just get it for yourself. This is their extended. Dollar Shave Club after the next fucking Monday, Ugats. And we can't do podcasts anyway,

because iTunes doesn't submit podcasts from December, 21st to December 27. It doesn't matter if you're... The matter... The matter... The... Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-d-d-d--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------. His name is Lee. He lives in... Go, go, go, go, go.

League wiggle for Joey. Hit it. What's the story? You're not going to wiggle for Uncle Joey? Fuck, well, what's it just happening? You know what just fucking happened? It's Friday, Cocksucker. This is the church of what's happening now.

What I was talking about was Hulu Plus. The party's almost over, Coxucker. I don't want to keep telling you this shit. It's a short, limited engagement. It's two weeks on the arm. Nothing. Oh God, it's free. Bang.

That it's $7.99 a fucking month after that, which is 96 fucking nudge. Where are you going to get entertainment for that? Shows like Saturday Night Live. Shows like... Like the daily show. The fucking they got everything. Just go to Hulu Plus.

Cut the shit. Two weeks free and then $7.99 a month. Who the fucking think you're dealing with? Some novice, they're giving you two weeks so you can sample the fucking goods. When was the last time some chick said to you? Listen. Look at this fucking pussy right here. I'm going to give it to you for free.

For two weeks, then you have to move in and pay rent. Nobody does that shit. The Churchill is not happening now in Hulu Plus. cut a deal to bring it to you for two fucking weeks and you're over there giggling go to joey d'is.net and press in joey in the box j-o-e-y-y again that's

joey who the fuck do you think you're dealing with on a Friday December 20th four shoplifting days fat man alert stay away from the fucking cookies don't believe the hype right there's the fat man alert you start eating on the fucking 22nd you'll never come back

by the fucking fifth you're up 19 pounds you got a juice with Lee He's eating, it's great. I love drinking these milk shakes. Oh my God. Oh my God, what? Oh my God, what? What? What?

Look at this. You want to smoke some more? No, thank you. Why not? It's Friday. Thank God it's Friday, Friday, Friday, Friday, Father, Father. Plus, I'm a light fever. This is a great musicals. I want you to wiggle funk with Joey today.

Ready? Bampan, ta-t-t-t-t-tah, Tan-dan, tan, tan. You're good at that. You didn't know I fucking had musical talents also, I just don't crack Jokey Pooze. You don't. Hit me with some Saturday Night Feeble.

That's come on, giving you another thing. Holy shit. I didn't eat today before the podcast. I should eat until you. You fucked up, you slipped, see. I'm about to give you another Cheebo chew, just a little taste of the chocolate. Where's the music?

That's come on. Where's the music? I'm going to just take the way of it. I'm there. I'll never hire you for a Diji. Oh shit. Oh, shit. Go, give me a little wiggle.

It's the holidays. People want to see Lee Wiggle. No, no, not in your chair. You gotta get up. Take the earphone. I can't get it, man. Come on, come on, come on, Lee. Just a little wiggle.

Just a little satcham. Dr. Jolm. Just a little. Come on. Come on. He's hypnotizing you. Next thing you know, you'll be stuck with his dick.

Get up. Dance about my show you. Let me see you wiggle a little bit. Golly, Lee. Come on, let me see you. Got to get up. You got to get up. You got to do a little dance.

Come on. Oh, shit. Look at the new head, dude. Stop it. Stop it. Oh shit. Look at Lee. Go Lee.

Oh shit. This is what I'm talking about people. Check this shit out already. Who's gonna fart in Lee's face? You let me know. Go to Twitter right now. I love you fucking crazy people. I love that you listen to this shit.

I love you tolerate our fucking craziness today. Here's what it's all about. Some podcasts are fucking serious. Some podcasts you learn about yourself. Some podcasts you learn about how to fucking light a house on fire. And others are just very mellow. Because it's Friday. What the fuck you want from me?

Listen, I'll tell you what. Look at the Shepa Lee. Where's the movie theater? Tell him. Next Friday. Next Wednesday. No Ho Lemley. Is that how you pronounce it?

Lemley? No Ho Lemley. Yep. The Lancashian Boulevard. If you just Google, North Hollywood Lemley, it's the only one there. It's a 720 grudge match.

You can buy tickets online and buy them. Because we're not renting out the theater. We're just going. We're just going. We're just going. So make sure we want to, we would love to have it to just be people who listen to the podcast.

That'd be awesome. Just smoking dope outside. We're all going to meet early. Eat some edibles. You open up your presence with your family. Watch the fucking Laker game. You shoot up to fucking Lancash, and we all meet outside at 7.20.

That means 10 minutes. We can meet outside at 7. It starts fucking smoking up. Getting fucked up. Lees and I eat an edible. Lees and eat a couple edibles that night. He's driving his bicycle down there. He's living on the fucking duck side.

This guy's sucker. So remember, 740, Lemley. 720. 720, 740. Who the fuck knows? Number two. Don't remember New Year's. We're releasing the CD.

You can't eat pussy with fucking asthma. But we're having a CD release. New Year's party. 8 o'clock. John Lovitz Comedy Club. Universal City Walk. It's going to cost you fucking 10 to fucking park and 15 for the fuck.

30 for the ticket. But you're out of there by fucking 10.15, 10.30. You're going to give you a wiglets. You jump up and down. If you want to stay, you can dance too and do the fucking bull little. I don't give a fuck.

But at least you're up there. I got a hotel. If you want to snort, coke off your wife's fucking clit. You get that fucking. I don't want to have John Lovitz would ever hear of this. What do you think? What do you think? John Lovett's good?

I'm telling people the truth. This is what the problem is. They can't handle the truth. What do the thing people want to do on New Year's League? They want to rent the room to watch fucking Dallas Country, whatever the name of that movie, Dallas Country Club? No. They want to rent the room so they could stick it up their wife's fucking cullo and call it a year without no babysitters around. Did you ever sniff it off the clip?

Fuck, yeah. That's not a good. Coke off of it doesn't dissolve right away? No, it just gives them a little tent it numbs it

and then you gotta hit it with a fucking hammer then you gotta fuck him for three years and that's why I fucking fail because I come

in a minute so they gotta fuck themselves because my dick goes dead it goes in for the fucking turtle shell and after that I'm just sitting there

scratching my balls and make him believe I don't know what happened I don't fuck for three hours I think I am a sexual deviant I'm not good at that shit

I'm just a freak I like to eat some ass and pussy and I tap out that's it I read Lee. I got to get the fuck out of here because it's too high. You're not contributing. You're killing me.

I give you a half a piece of cheap bow. I ate two whole ones and a half with you. You see me here, I'm like a soldier. I'm ready to rock. I'm ready to fucking do 20 fucking push-ups, laps, whatever you want to do. You're going to go to sleep on me now? Yes.

No, you can't go to sleep. This is what the problem is. I made pasta last night. I'm going to heat some of that up. Oh, Jesus Christ, with that cheap homemade. What brand sauce? I just got store brand sauce. I took some ground beef and I cooked that up

and then I put the sauce into the beef. All right. You put some garlic in that motherfucker? No. No garlic. You made spaghetti sauce is no. No, the sauce was already made. No, you got to dope the shit up.

Just because it's store made, you've still got to cut some onions, a couple onions, some fucking garlic, two, three glows of garlic. You've got to put some green pepper and then cook that together with some olive oil. When you took the sauce over that, then you brown the fucking meat,

you put that all together and you mix it up. Isn't that just making, cut that's making the whole sauce at least you're controlling the fucking odds you know what I'm saying you going into the casino

and you're controlling the odds they're not giving you that shit what do you think is in that sauce that's what got's a small sauce you can make a better thing by yourself yeah take you an hour

put some sauces browns and meat you're in you put that sauce in the refrigerator you freeze a little bit of it then you take the other half you throw it on the spaghetti you mix it up and every time you want some

you fucking nuke it every four days you make a new batch some weeks you make fucking little elbow macaroni with tuna and mayonnaise. Oh. That's good? Oh, yeah, a little pickle relish.

Stop it. There's a little snack. Just a little snack in the afternoon, just something to fill you up. You know, you get it at 4 o'clock. You can't wait until 6 to eat. Who the fuck waste until 6 to eat? A little salad, maybe a banana,

or maybe a little macaron, you know what I'm saying, just to get the fucking love to me. Listen, as usual, if you can't listen on Monday because you're traveling, I love you guys. We're going to do this last podcast, Monday, and then that's it, to like the fourth or something. When do you come back?

I come back to the fourth of the... Whatever that Monday is, that first Monday. What time do you come back? I come back on Sunday. I won't... No problem with me because I get the way I'm feeling today. Well, you're not going to do shit. You're going to go home and take a nap too.

I love it. When you like saying... What's outside right now? The sun... Listen, as I left, Mercy was going to bed. When I get back, she's going to be awake and she don't want no stories. So I'm going to take it to the park. I'm going to take it to get some fucking yogurt.

I'm going to take it maybe to get some coffee. outside, sit outside, walk her around. She'll take another nap by five or six, and then I'm headed to fucking some parties to the ice house. Okay. You come away? Oh, you got the white.

I got the way. Besides that, I love you guys. Do me a favor. Stay safe, all right? Please. And we'll see you guys Monday fucking morning. 6 a.m. Slingin dick and giving out bubble gum.

Lee wants to do one Thursday morning. Yeah, we can do that. The day after Christmas. We'll talk about it, right? Yeah, we can do that. Please, if you have a second, listen to Flying Dew Radio. We had a really good one yesterday. I hear you.

I got a sister called in, and then we had a bunch of good callers, and we're, like, number three, and we're really having fun doing it, so. You're number three? No, no, no, no. We've done three of them. Okay.

We were, like, we were, not bad. We were, like, 98, yesterday? Like, fuck it. On iTunes? Yeah. Congratulations. Yeah, man. You're bad motherfucker.

Lee? What do you think? People like you. I'm proud of that you're doing this. No, it's a lot of fun. I don't even think about that. I'll fucking stab me nine ball. I love you guys.

The church. what's happening now I want to thank honor I want to thank Hulu Plus and I want to thank Dollar Shave Club please support these people they're good people they take care of us so please take care of them I love you guys with all my heart New Year's Eve John Lovitz January 9th

Buffalo Helium Canadians I'm telling you right now I don't want no fucking drama I don't want when you come to Canada I can't come to fucking Canada so you cock suck and just make a trip of it all right don't worry about the weed Buffalo's got tons of fucking reef we got DEA we got everything up there

Just show up, all right? I love you guys. Have a great week. What music you got for me? I got some parliament funcadelic. But first, now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge

on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere, on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to HuluBlus.com. The fuck you laugh on the belly. What's the problem, man? What the fuck just happened now? Jesus, because I threw it away.

I gotta get my shit to do. You believe this people? This is why I got to deal with this fucking stutz. He's giggling over there. Look on. What are you giggling about? Tell your uncle Joey. Look on, look at him.

You see this fucking people. Here's what happens. And people want to know why. Look at him. His face is red. Look at him. Look at this face with this fucking kid. Look at him.

You can't take him that one. Look at the shape of his beauty. Listen, when I leave here, he's headed for a Mediterranean place. His ass is going to smell like Mediterranean's for about a week. He's going to eat 15 gyros, some hummus. Look at him. How is he's worried? Are you wearing what?

Look at him. Don't forget. Do the fucking ad. Will you please? You're killing me. I was rubbing the wall for some reason. The wall? What wall?

What happened? What happened? Nothing. Okay. Read the fucking ad. You're killing me. You're stopping you. Stop scratching you.

You're, you. Look at the shape of this, people. You see, this is a typical 25-year-old. I got to fix America. Look at what you're giggling. You don't see no daylight. Look at the fucking shape of this fucking guy. He's eating tuna out of a can like a cat with no mayonnaise and soy cheese.

Look at him. Look at him. No, you got to read the fucking that. It's something. Knock it off, you know. And don't forget this, I'm for dollar shave club.com. Oh, now.

You're off the shot after you fucking told Method. You'll go high. Huh? You'll get high quality and raise you to your door every month for a fraction we've hit retail.

Go to dollar shaveclub dot com slash church or just go to Joey Diaz. And click on the dollar shape club there. Holy shit.

Yeah, good. Down Hangup Alleyway With a group I only guys Should all be moved Ready or not here We're talking for Tell me now

The funk The whole funk Nothing but the funk Ready or not here Which we believe At my chance to dance my way Having my constriction