The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 12/23/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #138

Episode Date: December 23, 2013

Joey's wife, Terrie, calls in. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Recorded live on 12/23/2013.

I'm not eating a hash rock. This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hits shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey. That's Huluplus.com slash joey. And by Dallashaveclub.com. Get high-quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Go to Dollar Shaveclub.com

slash church. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash church. Or go to Joey Diaz.net and click on the Dollar Shave Club. The Dollar Shave Club banner. Oh shit. Oh shit. Listen to those bongos. Black people are going crazy right now.

It's Monday. Oh shit. Oh shit. That's all I'm telling you, motherfuckers. It's Monday, December 23rd. Two days before Jesus's birthday. Let's do this motherfucker. Rifa, pellets, machine guns.

I don't give a fuck. It's Monday, bitches. Grab your nuts. Somebody's thinking of taking your fucking money today. Go get it out of their fucking pocket and stabbing the neck. Just to don't even have that thought ever again. Fucking with you, motherfucker. Do it, Lee.

Wigglefunker Joe. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. We got a hash rock here. We got Cheebo shoes. We got fucking bazookas. We got joints. We got everything today.

You gotta go. All we need is fucking open me on the finger up the ass. And it's a party, Jack. Hit it leave. Anastasia. Screamed of A. What? I rode a tank.

Hell, the general's rank. Are you fucking kidding me? Who rides a fucking tank? That's how you... Even if you don't got a tank today, you're riding a fucking tank. You know why? Because you're a fucking soldier, cuck, sucker. Turn that shit off, Lisa.

What's happening? You bad mother. fucking Jew you I love you I don't know I'm surprised every time by your weed I'm like he's not gonna have strong lead this morning fucking I'm coughing up a storm Lee when I go into a store I tell him going the back back or go in the basement I want the shit you give to the CIA to give out in the fucking poor neighborhoods to calm these poor fucking savage it's Monday December 23rd it's a beautiful day to be alive especially since your motherfucking in it cocksucker it's fucking right the church of what's happening now

coming at you two more days to the shit shit goes down, then you move on with your fucking life. I'm saying, but it's great. You know, I never really, after my mother died, I lost the fucking flare for Christmas because who really gives a fuck. You're not going to ever spend it with people who are special. What was I confused? But now,

with the baby, the house is all Christmasy and shit, and I can't get away with it. It's a reality that I avoided for years, because, I don't know, sometimes when somebody dies, the holidays aren't the same for you. Yeah. Now, God gave me a second chance, whoever the fuck is up there running shit. Maybe it's Motley.

crew. I don't fucking know, but they gave me a second chance, so Christmas is here. Let's make the best of it. Don't forget Thursday night. Wednesday night, we're all getting together to Lemley, North Hollywood. Movies start to 2720. We're going to meet about 630, 645, smoke some joints, get some parking, eat some popcorn, and it's our fucking premiere. It's a church of what's happening now. Special Rifa, shove the red carpet up your ass premiere. That's how we fucking do at least I at. Santa can suck our dick. One six o'clock comes we're out of here. You understand me? Out. Someone brings some egg rolls.

There's no fucking egg rolls. There has to be. That's Chinese food and movies. That's what Jews do. Yeah, but there's no fucking Jews that way out here. There's one fucking Chinese restaurant we could possibly go to it and be open. And it's the one in Studio City that has the New York style. That's true. That's it. Unless they're open. Do you know they have garlic fried

rice there? You don't go there? Do you? There's something apple. It's by that jamba juice. right down the block from Jerry's deli. There's like a jamba juice there or some shit. I'll have to look for it. That sounds delicious. Yeah, yeah, they don't fuck around and that's the only place. I mean, they don't really have these food out of you. I was a chance

last Monday. Do I tell you that? Oh, me and Carlos Cantara went and tore down some fucking chants. I ate something at Chans last week and I forgot how good it was and I've been eating a variation of it and it's fucking horrible. Dumplings. First dumping I ever had was a chance dragging in. The first fucking pan-fried

fucking dumplings. I forgot how good they really were And how they're supposed to come out These motherfuckers are I don't know what's wrong with these Chinese people out of here They fucking cook shit Chinese food Shrimp and I used to go to China deli once a week They got worse and worse and worse and worse

I even tried to teach them to shrimp in it I even told them how to put pork in it I put the goggles on with the fucking Chinese hat They can't do it They just don't understand I'll be going to the palms in a couple weeks in New York When they were very nice and gave me a gift card So I'm going to be there in a couple weeks

And then go check it out Let me know what night you go If I call Spina and let him fucking know He called me the other night He's a trip Anthony Spina Really? Yeah, go visit him Go get the steak

With the fucking lobster meat on top With the peppers Get yourself to potatoes Get yourself a little seafood appetizer It's a fucking holidays But you got to work out Because if not You put some fucking weight out

This week I'm gonna work out like a fucking savage Once I leave here I'm gonna go home and hang out with them I'm gonna hit that kettlebell class today and tomorrow they're going to have a kettlebell class then Wednesday and Thursday I went and bought like a 35 pound kettlebell just to throw around you know I didn't really want

to bother on it but on it's got some great fucking kettlebells I'm going to get the ones with the faces on it I just wanted one this week to have around the house the next two weeks so by now everybody's shipping and everybody's crazy I didn't want to call on it but honn't got some great one so but that's it brother no we're doing our fucking thing

you believe it's Christmas I can't and I've never been more excited for one like it's just like I I had the greatest weekend and I didn't do anything. Like I just, she came over late Friday night. You're in love. Yeah, we just watched a movie. Love is fucking great, ain't it?

Yeah, it is. It's crazy. It's, uh, like yesterday she fell asleep watching football and her, like, her head was on my lap, and I just, like, I barely watched the football game. You didn't think about grabbing up by the head and put it on your fucking Johnson, like a filthy Jew that you are. Yes, you did that after the game. I know you did. I know you did, because you were a little filthy cuck, something. That's what I love about you.

You don't give a fuck. You eat her ass while she's sleeping. Oh, no, not the... You're a sexy motherfucker. No, no, no, but it's a nice time of year, Christmas, especially a lot of your people get depressed. A lot of people get sad. Man, I tell you, from, like, 80 to, like,

86, my Christmas is really fucking sucked. Is it depressing? Because I never had it. Yeah, some people have shit. Christmas is a bad for some people. Because I had it out here, but, like, Hanukkah isn't really... There's not really specific day, so I never felt it. The time I felt it was New Year's Eve, and if I had nothing to do, those were a couple New Year's Eve.

You know, it's crazy. I had a really bad New Year's Eve, and then I understood what could happen on New Year's Eve, so I always respected New Year's Eve. So New Year's Eve is not one of my favorite fucking nights. I'm not going to lie to your people, because bad shit happens to good people who just go out of the house and have a great time. Yeah, we got a hotel room for that reason. Yeah, because it's just don't, don't fuck around. You know, like this year I have the show at University of City. I want to talk about that real quick.

It's not that I want to give a shameless plug or nothing. I'm doing the show. It's going to be a great time. You know, I'm going to get you in and out of there early, but I was reading the fine print here. The Universal's going to jack up the valet prices. Oh, shit. That night.

But so is Hollywood. Yeah. It's going to go to $30 to fucking park. So that's what they're doing. I think if you call John Lovitz Comedy Club and say, I'm going up there for the New Year's thing, they'll give you a number or something, and it's like a $30 parking thing or $40.

Not they want $75 per car. Well, they have, they have, They have buses that go there. Yeah, they have buses that go down the corner for 30 bus. I'd rather you guys do that. And then they're going to charge you 30 to go into Universal City. They're going to bus you from down the corner. But you know what?

You've got restaurants there. You've got rides. You've got movie theaters. There's so many fucking things to do. And then they buss you out of there. So it's like a safe fucking place. My show starts at 8. I'm going to get you out of the comedy room by fucking 10 o'clock.

Okay. By 10 o'clock, you do whatever the fuck you want. You could stay there and enjoy the DJ, walk around, hang out. It's going to be a great time. There's going to be weapon check, the whole fucking thing. Nothing we ain't checking for is fucking Rifa. Bring Rifa, bring edibles. You know, and if you want, stay up there.

I don't fucking know. You said. I think that's... A couple people called me ready. I'm going to get my ride in, so they're going with me, you know? I've never been in business. And as Lee Syatt, we've gone to meetings, and people have said to us, well, you should charge this and this and this.

Mine and Lee's business is not about to fucking jab you in the fucking eyes. In no means. I've never been into fucking whacking you guys in the eyes. I go on the road, I do movies. I'll make money that way before I try to fuck with you guys. Everything I've done is $5 just to cover leave, whatever we have to do here. We got to buy a new computer. That was $3,000.

You know, shit like that. So I've never been in business. I don't ever want you to think. Look what Joey fucking did to me. It's not Joey. I'm just trying to show you motherfuckers a good time. It's New Year's, and these people want to capitalize on it. So I'm just letting you know off the back because I love you cock suckers.

But New Year's could be good and bad. Yeah. I've seen some fucking, I've seen. I've seen some great New Year's turn into bad ones The one I talked about the other day It was a great New Year's. We were getting right around, went to a few parties,

and also the cops pulled us over because there's an accident and I go see an RX7. That was one of the worst New Year's ever is hearing somebody yell for their fucking life. Then two years, three, four years later, I was at a party, and Danny B., who calls him to the podcast.

Bit off Tommy, Timmy Roger Holloway's here. That was New Year's Eve. That was New Year's Eve. That was New Year's Eve. Brian Ligio's house, it was fucking horrible. It was horrible until 6 in the morning. Like, everything was great until about 11.30.

And then for 5 and a half, 6 hours, it became this fucking unreal black and white nightmare where you're trying to drive your friend to the hospital and he don't want to. You know, who the fuck needs that shit? So just be careful on New Year's. It's all I tell you. I love you here at the church, what's happening.

I really don't give a fuck if you come to the show or not. If it was up to me, I'd rather you get fucking two lobster tails, get yourself some broad, some steaks, whatever the fuck you eat a salad, get 10 pounds of reefer, go home, bring that girl home, get the new CD,

fuck her in the ass, and call her the fucking night. That's what I'd rather you the fuck do, to be honest with you. As soldiers of the church, I'd rather you not even take the chance. I'd rather you get three or four people, bring them over to your house that are cool,

some chick that's going to suck your fucking knob, ladies, some guy that's going to eat your ass. You know what I'm saying? It goes both ways. Stay at the fucking house. That's what I would advise. But you do what you want. I love you,

fucking way. Well, go to the, that's what I'm doing is, because my mom lives like 15 minutes outside the city, but I didn't want to have to deal with the train or the crazy people driving. So we got a hotel. We get one of the price-line ones where it doesn't tell you exactly where you're staying. We got the fucking park plaza for a hundred bucks a night. It's going to be crazy. And we're going to go to an Italian restaurant on the North End and just walk around

a couple bars and go back. But why not just, they have a hotel there, right? Fuck it. Go see a movie before the show. Go see the comedy show. It's so many fucking things you could do up there. They have restaurants, they have seafood places, they have stores. Sometimes I go to Universal City and I have a spot, and I just walk around.

I just walk around and just to see it. And I have a good time by myself like a moron. My wife used to go up there by herself to do movies, because no matter what they charge you to the park, they take it off the price admission of the movie if you're going for the matinee. Okay. So it's not a bad deal. But if you go in the afternoon, they fucking Yankee.

It's like $40 to go to the movie theaters or some shit. Yeah. So, but that's it, man. I'm excited that the year is over. it was a great year I mean yeah I want you people thinking about Christmas and I really want you to enjoy it with your family but fucking the 26th

you're thinking about Christmas you're thinking about your plan in 2014 you're thinking about your goals what you want to do I've written my goals every day for the last like 10 days since Nashville before the premiere I've been writing my goals

just really thinking about it because it's not just writing your goals it's not just saying by the end of the year I want to be on TV I love those people by the end of the year I want to be a millionaire Joey yeah it doesn't work that way I want you to write your goal and then write underneath it

what steps you're going to take to become a millionaire. I'm going to pimp out some black chicks. I'm going to fucking put $3 in the bank every week. I'm going to write a book. I'm going to do this. And every time you write something, you have to write something underneath it

to let me know your path, man. 2014 is going to be a big fucking year. We're already planning a fucking other podcast. We're thinking about Rick Ramo's coming on and doing a podcast. My man fucking Lee's going to start a little network. He's not going to be a little network. be on every fucking podcast, but he'll help produce him

whatever the fuck they need. That's what Lee does. So we're thinking about all these things for 2014. But, you know, if you want to lose weight, I just talk to Timmy Holloway on the phone. We're talking about getting healthy. You know, and what little things to start with. I mean, Doug, it starts with a walk around the fucking corner. And then it starts with, and he works

60 hours a week in a fucking truck. So he goes, you know, there's one night a week. I could take off early. He goes, I'll stop by whatever gym, and then two days. He can't lift weights because he hurt his back. So he's got to walk. on a treadmill, you know? But walking on that treadmill, maybe that's better than sitting on the couch.

It's better than saying, you know, drink some water instead of the fucking sodas. There's just so many fucking things you could do because every little thing counts. I used to say to myself, well, if I'm not going to work out full time, I'm not going to work out. That was such a cop out. The one day I was talking to Chris Nagia. He runs the Tang Suu School in Hollywood. And he goes, Joey. After 40, every fucking little bit helps.

Even if he just stretch in front of the TV and get on the floor and do bridges or something. Every little bit helps. I was telling Eddie Bravo that, like last night I got home late. When I got home last night, I went to the ha-ha to do a spot, which I bombed. It was terrible. I got no material. And I walked in, and I talked, Terry was awake, and we chit-chatted for a little while. And fucking, after she went to bed, I was a little wired.

You know, I answered emails. I did 20,000 things. And I fucking got on the floor and did bridges, you know, from jiu-jitsu, and just worked my bridges, worked a couple hip escapes. It was fucking 12 o'clock at night. I'm on the floor watching Suns anarchy doing hip escapes. So every little bit fucking helps. So if you want to get healthy, man, it all starts with you.

2014. Who the fucking... Whoa, what's the music cut a second? It's Monday. I wanted to do it Wednesday, but you said no. So I want that to be on the record. What Wednesday? With Hinchcliffe.

I wanted to break out. I want to be around. My week... Last Monday was a sad Monday. Really? Yeah, fucking... I mean, who likes... Who likes...

breaking up at 5 in the morning, but when this starts, it's fucking, that's awesome. Thank you, brother. When somebody breaks your heart. Somebody. Somebody. Twice as smart as I. Fucking Constantine Rain, you bad motherfucker. What the fuck did I just do?

I just erase the whole fucking toilet thing. Can we come back? Sure, please. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here. He used to do. with me the fuck Lisa I have

I'll step on the bag to pick up the motherfucking pieces you understand it's so crazy whenever I hear this song I swear to God I swear to God Lee for one second

I could smell my mother's bar what do you smell like dampness yeah and beer like steel beer like old cigarette smoke

and beer from the 50s yeah That's what it smelled like in there for a minute. You know, I talked to Saturday night, I was just, I don't know, I was feeling funky Saturday night. Sometimes you're sitting there and I was talking to my wife and she was playing with the baby and the baby went to bed. And I was feeling funky about myself.

We were going to meet that night and get some tacos. Okay. And I went to bed early and I was just thinking how, I don't know. I was feeling lonely for 10 seconds, you know? Yeah. I always yearn for my friends I grew up with sometimes, you know, And I said, look, I got to make a ride. Anyway, I got to go here.

I got to go there. It was like 8 o'clock. I'd go get weed at the weed store. I had to stop and get something up, uh, something I was out of glucamine. So I wanted to catch the health food stores. I told my wife, let me just get in the car and go for a ride. So I got the glutecore. I went to the weed store.

And I had to get something else. Oh, I had to get an organizer, a new notebook at, uh, at, uh, CvS. So I went to CVS. I got my nose drops. Took about 20 minutes. No big deal. But on the way I'm on, I called a friend of mine, LePreet that I speak to maybe three times a year. Dean LePreet in reality is one of my oldest

friends in North Bergen. He's an Irish kid and I really thought about Dean at the Premier last week because when they picked me up at the Holiday and Express, I went up Route 3. The limo was driving the guy that was driving the car service, Alex, he's a friend of ours. He has a car limo. You know, I met him through Joe, through UFC. And now every time I go to New York, I have him drive me to the airport or pick me up, whatever is easiest. And he was driving us into Route 3, which takes you into the Lincoln Tunnel. And there was too much traffic, so he made it right and went up the fucking ramp, which put us on Kennedy Boulevard right by, like 27th Street, 28th Street.

And that was my old stomping grounds. When I was in the sixth grade, I didn't like staying at my house. I thought the house was haunted. Seriously, shit, I didn't like staying there. Every time at night I would hear the stairs would creek at night. Jeez. So I would go home after school and hang out until about seven. Then at seven, I would walk up the hill to my mother's bar.

I eat dinner with my mother, stay there until about nine. Then about nine, I'd go to my friend's house. Papo Torres on 26th and Central. It was a Puerto Rican neighborhood. And it was basically my original neighborhood when we moved from New York to New Jersey. My mother had a house on 29th and like across from a school called Robert Waters. It's in Union City. That was our first fucking real house in New Jersey.

After my mother died, she went back to New York. She wanted to get out of that house. She didn't want to stay at that fucking house. She said every time somebody came to the door, I thought it was my father and I'd run to the door, so she wanted to break that habit. Yeah, of course. So it's just fucking weird shit that I'm remembering.

But I remember right there on that corner was Tom's, when we were kids, there was a place, Tom's bakery, Tom's coffee shop, whatever, fucking older than hell. Like, you know fucking Daniel Boone ate breakfast there. Like, this place is fucking old. And I used to go in there and get a corn muffin toasted with butter, and I'd meet Dean every morning.

And Dean and I would just, I don't know, we were kindred souls. We really, we liked the same music. And I called him up, you know, when we spoke about my mother's bar. He's one of the few people that remembers my mother. He goes, I still remember your mother burning colds. My mother would burn this Spanish cold

to get the spirits out of the fucking bar while she was listening to I want to be around. She'd walk around the bar and she'd give Dean Leprete, sodas, and whatnot. I don't know one day, Got a call from in real quick Oh shit What's up?

Hey How you feeling? A little congested You've been up all fucking night Back and forth Jesus Christ I heard your call friend And

She's a little trooper too She slept right through most of it Where is she now? I sleep Okay So you got some time To go on the phone with my wife My beautiful wife

She's gonna celebrate her birthday on Saturday We got a babysat her birthday on Saturday We got a babysitter. We're going out and shit. We're going to Benny Harmon and some shit. We had a big week. We went to a cast and crew screening of grudge match. And it's also.

Grudge match, yeah. You don't even know the name of the movie. We're a hot mess. Lee got me stolen, this cocksucker. And we also, we're going to celebrate the baby's first birthday on the 8th. She's going to be a year fucking old. So we got our plate full. Lee, what do you want to ask it?

No, Terry, I was just saying, I told Joey like two weeks ago that you're my favorite call. Just because no one gets to experience what I experienced for the first eight months or something. We did the podcast at your house. And you were the one mostly answering the door because Joey was in the shower. And just like the 10 minutes before and after every podcast was probably the funniest thing that nobody's ever seen. Just you coming in with. coffee and then the computer doesn't work and then the cats are running around and then as you got more pregnant it just you would just look at him pregnant i got the funnier i'm not sure no no it wasn't

it was just you like you tolerated less and less like you were just look at him you would just look at him and then he'd look at me and he'd close the door it was just uh you know not for nothing late it's the best thing and worst thing i ever did was introduced joey to the computer sure it was. Because as long as the computer is working, he is fine. But he seems to think that computers never stop working. You know, I don't know where he got that idea from, but he doesn't seem to realize that everybody all around the world,

at some point, you know, every couple of months, they'll lose internet connection. Oh, yeah, that's the best. The internet doesn't want... It just happens. The mouse goes off. It's a... It's fun. It just happens. There's nothing you can do about it.

You just have to figure out, especially with U-Verse, because U-Verse, it's just an ungodly pain in the ass to try to get back online. Because all the lights will be working and they'll still, and there'll be phone service, but they just won't be in a U-Ver service. One of the first things that happened... I don't understand. I don't get it either I don't work for you first I don't know where you think that he thinks because I have a college degree

he thinks anybody with a college degree should be able to solve any problem They do I do I fucking do Anybody who has a college degree Automatically smarter than me Alright so get your shit together I'm smarter than you Honestly that's not really a big

It does not mean that I can You know work on somebody Aneurism I don't think that's a smart decision on anybody's part. But you seem to think that since I have a college degree, I have an accounting degree, I should be also able to cure cancer, which I can't. Yes, you can.

Listen, man, I'm the, I fucking get so pissed at people because since day one, I've always assumed that people are smarter than me. I've always assumed just because I'm a lot of them are. Because I know that I'm no fucking genius. So when I come to people for help and they're like, I don't know what's going on, I get so frustrated. one of the first things the first times I came over to your house

I taught Joey how to post a picture on Twitter on his computer and he just looked at me he was stone he said he had an unadulterated genius and it was like

that was like the moment I'm not like working with this guy I have to tell you I could have gone over to your apartment and punched you 17 times in the neck league game home with his iPod

filled with music but it was formatted for Mac. Oh, his iPod? And he could not wrap around his little head. The reason why, since we don't own any Macs, I couldn't load music onto his iPod. It should, that shouldn't, iPod shouldn't

do that. That's weird. Okay. Yes. So if it starts on a Mac, it has to finish with a Mac, or you have to erase all the music, start over again. Well, I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry about that. So how's... Did you know that?

I did not know that. How's it going with mercy? You have college education. What's wrong with you? How's it going with mercy? I haven't seen you really since the baptism. Oh, wow. Gosh, that was a long time ago.

She's a big girl now. She's taking... She took nine steps the other day. I heard she's walking. Yeah. She's not walking very well. She takes two left steps in a row, then she goes down.

She's trying. Yeah. My, I feel, I don't know what I feel. Confused, lost. Joey seems to think I'm so happy because I'm staying at home. But I'm, you know, confused more than anything. The fucking confused about it. You know, there are a lot of women who don't want to go to work in the first place.

So them staying home was super fantastic for them. but I like work, you know. I got satisfaction from going to work. So it's a little, you know, there at the end, I wasn't getting as much satisfaction because my patience was at an all-time low, and it still is kind of, but I miss it, you know. And whatever, it is what it is.

What's the obvious. Nothing's up. I'm just happy that we, Kept the baby alive for a year. Oh, my goodness. We're having a great fucking time with her. There's a lot of young kids that will listen to this and are saying, what the fuck are you guys talking about?

You know, we never thought that something like this was going to happen, and it did. So a lot of people read these fucking parenting books. There's a lot of young kids out there, wait about having a baby. Wait. Yeah, it was, I mean, I'm a little on the other side to have a baby and whatnot, but it's, it's really been a fucking adventure with her to watch her grow,

especially the last few weeks. He got so big in the last two weeks. Oh, my God, Lee. She's a... A baby to... Like, overnight, it was creepy. And it's, you know, you hear people say that,

unless you actually witness it, you don't have any conception of what I'm talking about. But she went from being very dependent and very... childlike, like baby like, there's a difference between babies who aren't very mobile or who are dependent upon you for their mobility

and for babies who aren't. Their brains start to fire a lot faster. You can see it. You can see her figuring out that this block fits on top of that block and then and I can now put these blocks together on the little square that they go on

what do the cats think about her now because before the cats could come in and like introduce themselves but now the kid now she's going over I bet they're very well acquainted with her and they're not really fond of her because she gets so excited you know and she goes up to them

and she screams in their faces if she's so happy to see them And she's like, you're psycho. And then they run off. But her favorite to do that to are, Saddle. Adele, he gets his heartbroken over a drop of the hat, so he does not know how to handle it. And she likes to go up to gray.

And both of them are the most skittish cats we have at the house. And she just likes to go into their faces and scream in their faces. I don't get it. I wonder where she gets that from. She does like Allie, though. Allie is a big blob of fat, and she just lays there while Mercy beats on her. It scares the shit out of me, but I know that she's got to get acquainted with animals, you know, somewhere along the fucking line. So this whole thing has been very scary, but very enlightening to me the last 11 months.

I'm in a different fucking planet because I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm getting more. more confidence every day around the baby. She came in the shower about three weeks ago. I heard with all her fucking clothes on. She'll come in with her fucking clothes on, man. She don't give a fuck if I'm in there and she doesn't want to jump in. She tries to climb over the edge of the tub.

Yeah, it's fucking scary. You know, and I have a lot of thoughts, fucking weird thoughts, you're going to be a little fucking girl and, you know, you read about what's going on, and it's just things that were not issues to me before and now issues. Things I didn't pay attention

to the floor. And you know, Lee, he's a paranoid nutcase to begin with. You have to be. Yeah, oh, no, you know. You don't have to be just paranoid. No, you have to be this paranoid, but you know what it pays to be a little. You're like, Mel Gibson. You're retarded, paranoid.

It's crazy. And with her, it's 10 times worse. You just want to tie him up and stick him in the closet and then go do some shopping. because otherwise he's freaking out because you're leaving a house. Very hard to function with his paranoia. And since you guys listen to him all the time,

you listen to his stories of paranoia all the time. Imagine trying to raise a little girl around that. She's going to be locked in a closet. Oh, I'm sure, in a few years. I'm excited for her to be like five when she's like really getting, like, talking, really understanding what's going on. It's going to be interesting to see. Well, I think she'll be able to ease his mind a little bit more if she can communicate

what's going on around her. Right now, there's no communication. So I think that's adding to a bit. But I don't know. I have no. I am, I'm an idiot when it comes to this. I have, that's the one thing I've gleaned from all of this is I am a raging idiot. Because I don't know what in the world I'm talking about.

I am very paranoid. I am very paranoid about Lee. I'm paranoid about Lee. I'm paranoid about the, not paranoid, I worry. I worry about anybody I have feelings for. I worry about a lot of these people on Twitter that communicate. I worry about the weirdest things ever. And how I put my mind to ease is, you know what, I was putting to the world by myself.

at 16 and I'm still here. And I was putting some wild predicaments that she could have gone down, but somebody above watched over me, and that's all I want for her. I want the same people watched over me to watch over her, and I'll be fine. I can live with it. I have to remove it from my life.

But you know what? You've got to put her into situations where she has to look out for herself. Oh, yeah, yeah, but I'm not worried about it. That's not... Or she won't be able to look out for herself when the time comes. No, no, no. And that's... I understand that. No, you have to... Listen, man, one thing I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I don't know, have over a lot of people when I was six my mother was preparing me already for that day they were preparing me for that day in case it happened and it fucking happened and thank

god I stepped up to the pump thank God I stepped up to the plate if I wouldn't I don't want her to be raised the way um not so much the way I was raised because I don't really have a problem with the way I was raised but I my family Lee is very scared I don't know when it happened to where what happened at some point they became terrified they won't fly they sit around and watch the news and they believe the news on the worst situation that could possibly happen and and and i don't want that for her and i don't know and it's not just like my mom and my dad it's my mom and my dad and my sister and they're instilling it's kind of in my niece you know well they've still still still did and let me tell you some terry i'm going to tell you something that you only knew

you know i have all those fears that your parents have i know you if it was up to you sit there and you get so mad at my parents and i'm like look this this is a call in the kettle what but there's a difference i do something about my fear i do something about no all the time all the time all the time I do something about it you know the scariest thing in my life I told you this is when I go to jiu-jitsu and I can't fucking breathe on my back and I have sleep apnea

so I can't breathe on my back and when you have sleep apnea and you know what it feels to be choked it messes with your head let me tell you something I overcome that fear by going to jiu-jitsu you know I try to overcome those fears to my family is my family is the type of people who look for reasons not to do something instead of looking for ways to overcome that and be able

to do something you know they think of 17 reasons why that's a bad idea but not one why it's a good idea and that's the way they approach every situation you know that's scary to them they don't

they don't look to overcome their fear they look to reinforce it Yeah, I grew up in a, my parents were more nervous, I guess, and growing up in that that definitely rubs off. So it's good, it's good to not be raised. Because you always are going to turn into your parents. So if Mercy's raised in a family that's a little bit less nervous and skittish, she won't have that her whole life. Listen, I don't, it's not the, it's not the fear that gets my dick art is overcoming the fear. that's always got my dickard.

Friday night, I'm a grown fucking man. I'm a 50-year-old grown man that used to carry weapons and the whole thing. I was scared to get in my car and go up to the ice house. Why? I was scared of going out at night. I was scared of driving for the ice house

because of drunk drivers. I was scared of getting there. I had no material. I was just scared. I was just scared completely to go up there. But then something... And it's easy to get wrapped up in that field. Absolutely.

I'm scared of everything. You can sit there and and I have to talk myself out of situations like I don't want to take the baby downtown to see her godmother because you know there's no really reason for me to be down there

and what if I got in a car accident and I didn't have any reason to be there and that's what I get for getting at me. I can't live like that. I do that too. I do that also. I live like that also. You cannot live like that. like that. But I also live like that because I went to bed one night when I was 15 and I woke up to my mother washing dishes dead on the floor. So I understand how fast life could change within minutes. And it happens when you don't expect it. You know how fast life can change when you're sitting there on your couch doing nothing. Oh, I know. It's got nothing. I know. You can't stop living just because something bad happens.

Oh, Terry Clark. Because something bad happens to somebody every day. Oh, no, no. And I know these things. I know these things. I want, I always want the element of fear to be there in the back of my mind so I know what's going on. That fear is what keeps me sharp. There's people who have fear that don't know what to do with it.

I know exactly what to do with it. When I let it, because Terry, I will sit on that couch, I will sit in that desk, and I will let it beat me up until I go. Sometimes you see those post that I put and I go, it's time to grab you. fucking nuts and cut the shit. That's what goes through my head. And that's how I talk myself out of it. And I get on planes. I get on stages.

I talk to people. I go out at night. I hug black people. You know, I fucking do my thing. But, and I'm more, and I try to tell people on the podcast this, Terry. So I'm happy you brought this up. This is why Lee likes when you call.

Because I am more scared than anybody. And for 2014, we're all fucking scared. We're all scared because Obama, Obamacare. Fuck all that shit. You grab your cock, you salute the flag, and you fucking pray for the best. Oh, you don't even fucking pray because you're that confident. You don't need fucking prayers.

And that's what I do, Terry Clark. And you know that. You know that when it comes to me rocking and rolling, I tell my wife all the time, aren't you lucky I don't like fantasy football? Aren't you happy I don't sit here and watch fucking football all day and walk around with a jersey on and mind fuck myself about... He seems to think for some reason I would still be in the relationship if he did. Or I would have ever gotten into the relationship.

No, I know my wife. He's the type of person. I tell her, you're fucking lucky. I'm not one of those guys. I'm sitting there thinking of myself, something could be done. If I'm sitting there watching fucking football, I'm thinking of myself, something can be done. I got to answer emails.

I could tweet something. I could write a joke. That's my, I could do five push-ups. I can do ten jumping jacks, something. I think if you spend more than half of your waking, not even more than half, If you spend more than 25% of your waking time doing something retarded, like watching other people play sports,

or solving puzzles that actually don't solve anything, it's just on paper, then you are wasting your time. And life would just leave. You're wasting your life, you're wasting your energy, you know, There are other things out there. If you, if that is where you are spending your energy, then you have no right to complain about Obamacare

or about the potholes on your street or how bad your neighbor is or anything else because you're not a proactive person. You're sitting around letting life happen to you. Well, it's easy now, especially on the computer. Like, there's people who don't have to ever leave their house. They can work, do everything. There's people who get never have to leave, so it's easy to not do stuff.

Amazon delivers on Sunday. Yeah, but you know what? That's kind of fuck people up. The internet offers two different sides to that. You can sit there and vegetate and do nothing on that computer, or you can choose to make yourself have a voice on that computer. You know, yeah, you can mindlessly tweet that you are now. at the Glendale Galleria.

Or you could use it to, you know, get your voice out there. It's what you use the tool for. You know, hammers can either build something or knock something down. It's what you choose to do with that hammer. Now you know, now these people know why I'm married to you, dirty bitch. Now they know I'm married to you because you're an adulterated genius. You're like, wait. You're dropping knowledge.

Yeah, I don't have to be. a problem with you sitting on a computer all day. I have a problem with what you do while you're on that computer all day. You know, and even then, yeah, I don't think you need to be, even if you're trying to get your voice out, I don't think you need to be sitting in front of a computer all day. But if you're going to do it, make good use at the time. And I'm not saying you don't ever have any entertainment in your life, but just don't let it overcome you. games and you know

people spend a godly amount of money on video games what does that get accomplished I mean seriously most of these a lot of these people

are over 30 seriously when you were in high school did you think what I'm 30 I'm going to own the latest Xbox game I'm going to have the whole system because that's what I

that's my goal in life When I grow up, that's what I want to do. I want to be a gamer. We're about... We're about five to ten years away from that being like a legitimate thing people thought about in high school. It's ridiculous. Yeah, but none of them would be in a gamer as long as you do something with it. I always felt that, you know, I've never...

What's the world you're going to do with a gamer? What's the only going to do with call of duty? Well, you can become good on it and get sponsors and go to competitions and write a book on fucking there's got to be something good that you could just got to be I know they go to some kind of war fucking games and honestly I don't think that that would be a good idea for that to be a goal well it's not it never is a goal

my goal was never to have a podcast I didn't know I didn't fucking know but look what it became Terry Clark yeah but that podcast lasts how many hours and last too but that's not the point the point is that look where it became I never knew this. 10 years ago, I didn't talk to you about a fucking podcast saving me. Well, nobody did.

Well, this is why, but as long as you get involved, this is what it becomes, honey. Sometimes you sit there and you're on your fucking couch and you're like, I play fucking games all day. But the podcast is getting out there and getting your point across. No, I understand. Call of Duty is not getting anybody's point across. Maybe, you know, there's an art to it somewhere else. I don't fucking know. Exactly. You don't fucking know.

But the thing I like the most is, honey, that we're both on the same fucking page. I thought Joey was going to be the hard-ass parent. Terry, I think he's going to be the pushover. Like, after hearing this. Oh, he's entirely a pushover. He doesn't want her to cry. He doesn't, what's wrong with her? Oh, my goodness, she rolled over and banged her head.

She's going to bang her head a million times. because she's a toddler and that's what they do. You know, if you don't cut yourself or, you know, bruise yourself when you're growing up, you're a wist when you get big enough, you know, I don't want my kid to enter into daycare and never have had a cut on her. She won't know how to act. You know, some little boy comes up and smacks her upside the head. she's not going to know how to react.

I was just going to say, God help any kid who bullies Mercy Diaz. Because the next day there's going to be two trainers. You and your wife are going to be trainers. And she's going to knock the hell out of them. Listen, man, I look at that. It was hard for me. I hope she's smarter than that. I love her.

You know, I really do. No, I hope she's smarter than that also. You look at your child and you want the best for your child. You don't want them to get any pain through life. And it's a wrong fucking attitude. I think of what, how I, was raised. I'm fucking excited. I don't want it to be too painful.

No, no, no, no, but there's got to be a sideways. There's got to be a good, healthy amount of pain in your life. There's got to be something. Well, that's the drive. You're not going to ever appreciate the good times. That's the drive. That's the drive is the fucking pain. What are you got on the boards today, Terry Clark? What's on your schedule? I have no idea. I don't know what time's you're going to

get up. I am a hot mess, as we can all hear. That poor little thing sleeps in a room. with a cough machine all night long. I felt so bad for her. I smell like Big salve and cough drops. That's what I smell like. Can you imagine sleeping with that?

That's fantastic. She's a little trooper. Well, you know, I don't feel bad. She woke up with a poo diaper right in my bed this morning. So there's a trade-off. Well, listen, Poo-Dipe. I fucking love you at all my heart. And I'm looking forward to our date night on Saturday.

And I'm looking forward to our... next couple of years together with this little savage that we're raising. Next couple of years. You're going somewhere? No, no, no. The next 50 fucking years together with you. We're raising this savage. Should I start making plans?

No, no, no. And hopefully we'll raise a productive member of society. That's all I want for her. I wanted to be a woman first and a productive member society. You know, that's the most important to me. And I want it to be as painless, but I know it's going to be, you know, it's life. I think it's going to be more painful for you. you it's fucking life absolutely i you know i love children and i'm like when i look at children i equate

my life growing up and i had a great fucking childhood man i had a great childhood i got no complaints if i wouldn't have the great childhood i had i wouldn't be the person i am today you know i have bumps along the way i love you cocksucker i'll see you for breakfast seriously so you just called your wife a cocksucker what am i going to do i love you to that that's what i call you that that's beautiful sweetheart what a lovely sentiment and merry christmas to you as well. Merry Christmas to all of you. And Lee's going to stop by and get a lobster tail Tuesday night.

Oh, yes. And happy Hanukkah to you as well. He's got some Christmas presents for the baby. Christmas is better. Oh, yeah. Christmas is better, isn't it? Oh, yeah, of course. All those gifts under the tree at once?

Oh, my God. My little cousins, their mom is Christian, and I experienced my first Christmas morning. And it was like, it was over, like, they took a nap under the tree. Like, they were just so young. They got so tired from opening all the presents. It is a lot better than Hanukkah.

Yeah, we don't have quite that many for her. We just have big presents for her mainly, so she can get the kick out of the big stuff. Yeah. Yeah. You have a couple years until you have to start really filling up the under the tree. Yeah, I know. Yay.

Well, I'll see you Tuesday. All right. Good morning, gentlemen. I love you, baby. Have a good day. I've seen a little while, baby. Bye. We have to start a Twitter account and a podcast for Mrs. Matt Flavor.

She's a fucking beauty. But no, I'm happy that I could be a good husband. I'm happy that I love with a death and there's no fucking, I don't have a chick on the side. I'm happy about a lot of things. I'm happy you're around me, so I'm happy you stuck it out and you see that. We've grown together. I didn't lie to you. No?

I didn't lie. And we all get, I'm fucking super paranoid. But this is what the church is about. I never been out of my way to lie to you people. I'm more scared than any use could ever be put together. But there's no time for fucking fear. Especially now, man. There's no time for fear.

So get up, look at yourself in the mirror, grab your balls, your pussy. Fucking grab your heart and go, this is what I'm going to do. I don't give a fuck, you know. I'm scared, you know, I was scared to get in the car. I'm scared to get on stage. I've been doing comedy for 22 years. and there's times I'm scared I get anxiety from fucking getting on

stage that night and this is just regular but that fear is what drives me so I don't talk shit here people I live the fucking shit so please grab the fucking world by the balls you need a fucking kicking the balls

let's get some shoutouts here cock suckers shout it out my uh my FJ brother Frank I love you motherfuckers over there freelo dough whatever the fuck out work do you thing Stefan Clyde

We got some people here. Danny Lyons, I love you. Fucking Pilates for Men, great book. Eric Sleazy, English, Charlie, Jovon, Danny Rodriguez, Albert Goreff, Justin Belavidi, and Dead Squad, Connecticut, and the rest of the fucking Dead Squad associations all over the world. I love you, motherfuckers. And the chapters from Dead Squad Harlem to Dead Squad Grand Rapids

to fucking Dead Squad Iowa to Dead Squad Ball Sack. I love you, motherfuckers. They even got a Dead Squad Harlem. fucking Mars it just started three Puerto Rican Martians up there and we talked about your health in 2014 and what a great way to get started on it baby on it don't fuck around you don't you think I'm like Timmy was just talking me goes any of that shit work and I said Timmy it works whatever works for you not everything is gonna work all the acupuncture has worked for me it's up with my

circulation for some people like I try and acupuncture then happen go fuck yourself some people work all I know is every morning I get up in the morning I take my little fucking blood pressure medication I take my alpha brains. If I'm going to go work out, I take my fucking shroom tech sport. And if I, a replacement meal, the mega hemp force protein, either the chocolate or the assayee vanilla flavor, you mix that with some fucking water, some gluticorn that motherfucker, your dick is harder than, then, you know, than a fucking concrete slab. You follow me? Onit.com. Go to Joey Dears.net.net. Check on fucking Onet, the box. Press in. Church.

Get whatever the fuck you need. 10% off. They take care of you on the mailing list. Trust me, it's all fucking good. I wouldn't sit here and bullshit you. Another thing I got to tell you about, today is the last day with Dollar Shave Club. They've been great.

It's been a great thing. It broke my heart. Yesterday, I got some raises in the mail. You know, I got some backup raises, though, because I didn't use them as fast. But I'll tell you what, I don't care whether they're working with us or not. Whether they're helping us out or we're helping them out.

It was a great product, and it's still a fucking great product. It was a great product when I started going, going in the business of them and it's still a great fucking product. They cost one, six and $9 a month. That's fixed fucking rate for the year. And you know exactly what you're going to spend. So when your wife says, what do you spend on raises every year? $12.

Not that your wife gives a fuck. But you know what? The times are tough. This is one way to fucking start. Why go to fucking some pharmacy and stand online and wait all day and scratch your fucking balls to pay fucking overpriced raises? Fuck no. Go to fucking joey dears.

Dot net. Go to the dollar shave club box. Church. Church, motherfucker. C-H-U-R-C-H. Bang! There you have it. Get some fucking razors.

Send them as a gift. I don't give a fuck what you do. That's how much I believe in the product. Even if they're not sponsoring this, I still want you to go over there and give out some gifts, and they're fucking great. It's a great product. They wish them a lot of luck and, you know,

what else are you going to fucking do? What's up, dog? Did we have a decadose or quadus? Why? What's the matter? Nothing, because we have to shout out Cheapichu for what's currently going on. Oh, I don't know if people didn't understand at the end of the last podcast,

I was just stroking the wall and I just couldn't, like, I just saw myself doing it. It's time to smoke some more refill. Oh, please don't. Yeah, and it's time to eat another cheap. Oh, no, thank you. It's that type of part.

I only gave you a little peat. Did you eat that whole thing? Yeah. Give me half. Oh, we're going to eat another half. No, I'm not. I swear to God, I'll tie you up. I get a half.

I'll fucking car like Kenville. Oh, my God. Poor Kenville. It's 2014. You got to get it started. because yeah, it's Christmas, whatever, who gives a fuck? It's 2000 motherfucking 14, and I want you all to have a fucking good year.

I want you to all go out there and make a little cash and get an education and fucking slings some dick. And some people could afford a lot of shit and some people fucking can't. And make the best of what you can do. If you can't do fucking a jih Tzu class, choke your sister. I don't fucking know.

I'm just here to help you. What's up, Wade? What's on your mind? Nothing. It's just, it's crazy how the last six months have been like pretty much the best six months of my life. And it's, uh, I see, like, what we were talking about last night, what, what the future holds, hopefully for this. And it's, uh, it's crazy. I hope, hopefully everyone has a good 2014. I hope, I hope everyone has an awesome one.

Listen, if you put effort into this fucking thing, you don't sit there like a mud at home waiting for somebody to give you a fucking envelope. You know, everybody wants to be a comedian. I know who the comedians are. I know who, I was thinking about a particular person. Last night, a comic who's a good guy. Yeah. I went, all right. V. I went to the casting crew of Grudge Match. Of Grudge Match. And it was a man's Chinese theater. Whatever.

It was up on the third floor. I had a nice time, you know, and on the way down the stairs, I walked on the stairs and I heard somebody go, Joey, you know, I turned around. And there was a kid I did comedy with at the store. Ten years ago. Twelve, thirteen years ago. Jesus. And he knew my wife. He gave her a hug.

And he knew me. I gave him a hug. And he had a flashlight in his hand. and some fucking t-shirt and some hat on with some company like what are you doing here and he goes I'm working over here it's a part-time guy I work five nights a week from 7 to 12 and then I go out and do comedy and it destroyed my insights I got in the car I didn't send out to my wife we went home the babysitter my wife went to bed and I stayed up for a while

because I had to do a podcast with you Friday had a couple things going on and I sat there and he goes what are you doing here and I go I'm coming out from you know after he told me what he was fucking doing I had like you know I didn't I tried to avoid the subject because what are you doing down here you guys going for dinner my wife is like no we went to the viewing of grudge match Joey's new movie and he goes oh congratulations and I got in the car and it's weird that we both had the same opportunities but here and here's the same I mean this is how fucking crazy is I know him probably since 2001 okay and you know I was

snorting coke. I was snorting coke and drinking and getting high. But there was a two, three part of the day, like now I'm working 10 hour days. But that was, and that's not enough hours in the day, you know, between writing and trying to write a book and, you know, trying to email and schedule shit and trying to put dates together. And I was doing blow and drinking, but I put a piece of my time. This is one of those guys that's a Yahoo type of guy. You know what I'm saying? He's always smoking a cigarette and everything is always a fucking party and you know what are you doing tomorrow and me and my buddy are dressing up like Sanders and we go on and drink and get so me bumping into him made me feel guilty about me doing this movie is what I'm trying to

say yeah because it's like we started together yeah and on the back of his mind he's like well this guy fucking Rogan probably got him the movie or something like that these people don't understand that I work hard but I felt bad for him because he didn't do the work. And because he didn't do the work, he's over there fucking work and five nights a week, you know,

taking shit from somebody at this point in his fucking life. And I don't expect everybody to be a business owner or whatever, but after a while, you have to move forward. He never moved forward. He stayed in the fucking party.

So for 20, 30 minutes, maybe 45 minutes, I felt bad about myself, Lee. Because I felt like, I even took him on the road one time. Do you know that I call, he came to me like a man, he goes,

I want you to take me to this place. and I call the owner and he's like, bro, I can't have that guy here. He used to come here and he used to... He lied to me already. Instead of saying, no, I had a hard time there. He came up to me. He goes, yeah, yeah, the guy likes me.

When I called, the guy goes, I don't want him here. And I go, bro, you got to have him. I won't go. This is the type of friend I am. And he took the fucking week. He goes, all right, I'll let him emcee. So when you're emcee, I think they pay you like 300 bucks. Okay.

You know, and I explain to him. I go, bro, it's not a high-paying fucking gig. I'm not making no money either but your money makes $300 dollars do you really want to get on a plane yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I take him he does the show it's about a month or two later

I'm hearing little things that he's mad at me that his parents are mad at me because his parents came to the show because they felt they should take care of him better that he should have featured or something like that and I couldn't believe it because I found this out and I went up to him and I go let me ask you a question when do you go on the road

he goes never and I go so I went up I made a call I found out something you had done from your past and making that call that you should have shed with me from the beginning, but you didn't. And I fought for you to get the job. Now you're talking bad about me. That you didn't get paid enough or whatever.

I didn't pay for your plane ticket or whatever the fuck. And I just stopped talking to him because I don't need that in my life. That's how people are. You know, like I always make that statement. Some people want to go to heaven, but nobody wants to fucking die. Like, he just wanted me to fucking pop him on the road. You know, I was making like fucking nothing, $900. You know, and I had to pay for my own plane ticket.

In those days, a plane ticket was $200 fucking dollars, no matter where you went. So I was, after food and bills, I was netting like fucking $500 for, that's when comedy was Wednesday through Sunday. Yeah, you were there five days. You had to pay for your own fucking meals and shit. But just the thing that he had the same opportunities I had. He could have written. But here's a guy that another friend of ours does a show,

and he shows up dressed as a fucking, I don't know what he dresses, I'm smoking cigarettes on stage to be cute or something like that. This isn't about being cute. There's about moving forward. You know, those people that want to be cute? Oh, my God, yeah, this is great. So why did it make you feel better about yourself? It made me feel bad because he's fucking got a day job.

He's got a fucking night job. He's living in L.A. You don't come to L.A. They get a fucking night job. You come to L.A. to fucking work and put all that dumb shit aside. Well, I want to watch the New England game. You can't watch the fucking Lingu game. You got a comedy show.

You're a comedian. You understand me. There's a big difference. Ralph, whatever your fucking name is. I'm sorry. There's a big difference between a comedian, a lot of other fucking people, and the work ethic.

You follow me? When you're a comedian, you've got to work all the fucking time because you've got to assume the other guy's writing a joke. The other guy's writing a joke. That other guy is doing a study at the Laugh Factory. He's sitting at a coffee shop writing a fucking joke,

and you're sitting with your fucking feet up, scratching your ball. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Look at me. Slok and say, yeah, yeah. It's, you know, like a fucking jerk off. So I don't feel fucking bad. I don't feel bad because you don't know

how many times I've gotten through the fire. You ever look at breakdown? It's one of these days I'm going to show you a breakdown. A breakdown is the list. They put out every morning with all the movies and TV shows that are coming out. Yeah. So you've got to go through 100 pages of the show, Bob, Fat Man, Carrikin. You've got to read all the characters and shit. And at the end of all those characters, you've got to pick three of them and go back to that page

and fill an envelope. Then after you fill an envelope, you can't mail those in, so you've got a hand hand drop them. That's how I got the longest yard. That's how I got taxi. That's how I got a bunch of fucking movies. I hand dropped them off. You understand? me? A lot of people don't fucking want to do that now like. They don't want to fucking do that. So, yeah, I felt bad. I absolutely felt bad.

I understand feeling bad for him, but I don't know why it made you feel bad about yourself. It made me feel bad that he's fucking got a night job, Lee, that he had the same opportunities that I had, plus some, plus some, he's younger than I had. You know, I came here when I was long in the fucking tooth. I was 32 years old, 33 years old when I got here, right? I've been here what 13 16 fucking years and I'm 50 since 34 34 I was long in the fucking two these guys got here when they were 20 22 they were good looking they were good looking you know saying when you get here you're fucking good looking I wasn't I'm never fucking good looking I was never fucking good looking maybe when I was a

fucking baby or something like that so that's why it depresses me because we all have opportunities and we all have to shut the fucking hole you got to jab the fucking hole dog that in football right or wrong you get that hole you ever see when they slow it up a little bit how long how long long does that hole open for when the two offensive line less than a second less than a fucking second the hole goes like this and if that fucking guy's shoulders not in there hitting that fucking hole how fast is it closed those are pros you ever see it when they slow motion next time you watch football tonight don't just sit there eating the fucking chips and the licked in fucking onion

shit that they give you fucking look at the slow motion watch football watch how it's choreograph but watch how quick the holes open and then they fucking shut so sometimes they might open just a little bit and this guy might adjust just so the fullback could go through and the running back could fucking follow we all watch that shit and it closes right back up because they don't even know their job is just to keep their fucking feet moving defensive lineman so that's the same thing with life and that's the same thing with this fucking place you want to fuck around when you're doing comedy in michigan and hang out with your boys i understand it but once you come here you got to put the fucking helmet on and put the fucking shit under your eyes and it's a fucking game face and that's

a lot of people have never really comprehended and they've been mad at me for it's a fucking game face bitch and this is all fine and dandy but put your game face on you put your game face on when you eat pussy right absolutely you've stressed that motherfucker out your eyebrows go up and down and your tongue spits out you like one of those fucking devils same thing man so yes i felt bad and i shouldn't fucking feel bad what's up lisa i at you bad motherfucker pretty high two more days to christmas what are you i on the jibbutchu yeah and you're better got to get sun today It's going to be 76 fucking degrees here in sunny Los Angeles, you dirty bits. 70 fucking 6 degrees.

I don't know why you give you edibles and then I give you edibles so you can enjoy the goddamn day. You don't eat an edible or you don't smoke pot to fall asleep. Only if you smoke an indica at night. You smoke dope right now to go out in the sun and thank the sun to being out here. To giving you another fucking day of life. When I get up on the one I put my feeling floor, I touch my fucking head and I thanked whoever the fuck is up there, Buddha, forgive me another fucking day. And I go out in the son.

I look at the son. When I go out with my daughter and I grab her sometimes in the morning, we just go out in the sun, I tell her to thank the fucking son, forgive me another goddamn day, you bad motherfucker. And forgive me heat and forgive me love.

And forgiving it to me, cocksucker. What? I can't wait to see her walking. I think that's going to be funny. She's walking. And what am I going to do, dog? Listen, you're raising a daughter.

You know, you see these women walking around today, they're all fucked up. They're all sucking dick. And, you know, psychologists and all these people online says, because your dad never fucking hugged him. Your dad's got to be a big part of him. I have a friend, Steven Villal.

I've stressed it a thousand times. He's got two daughters of the princesses. Why? Because he put the time in. Stephen Villo, I tried to invite him to the premiere, but he couldn't cut loose to come at five. And when I told my wife, I was inviting Steve Villo. She goes, really?

I didn't know that. And I go, yeah, Stevea Villa showed up in my mother's way. And I've said this a thousand times. Stevea Villa from the past master's one of the best kids I've ever met in my life all around. But I know where he raised. child from you know my mother made a lot of fucking mistakes raising me but the reason why people come to me all the time and say you're real and all this shit because my mother inflicted in me

those early years yeah and how you had to be a friend and how you had to fucking be real and how you couldn't lie to your friends and you only have three or four friends in this world and you got to go to war with those people you got to war for them and once they see that you go to war for them they'll go to war for you you know that's my inner belief and that's my my mother made a lot of mistakes my mother never put me in fucking daycare I can I can't sit here and look you in the eye and say, some guy stuck a finger up my fucking ass because it didn't fucking happen because my mother watched everybody.

My wife is a sweet lady, but sometimes she's soft. I see my wife getting out of cars and she doesn't look both ways. I see my wife trying to make a remark when people coming out of it. You can't do that. You gotta keep your eyes open. Cubans call that shit comienda. That means you're eating shit. No, come a tanta mead.

Look straight ahead. Don't worry about what the fuck. The bird. Look at that mountain. Look straight ahead. Straight ahead, there's 10 Puerto Ricans coming your way, and you're worried about a fucking mountain. You understand me? So that's what my wife doesn't understand.

She doesn't understand that I grew up on 205 West 88th Street, but I didn't learn how to fucking get down until I started going up to 148th Street and Broadway, where Juan shot that motherfucker in the leg at the Santharia party. Why? Because it was a rough and tumble neighborhood. They weren't bad kids. They knew how to fucking make a living.

They learned how to make a living. All those things were instilled in me, man. That's who I am today. And with my daughter, you know, when you ever fucking see these girls, they date a guy and all of something, they like the team he likes. The fuck is wrong with you. You got no fucking voice for yourself? And that's why I'm married Terry.

Terry at least has a fucking voice. Terry doesn't have a fucking tattoo. Terry doesn't have to fucking go there. Terry doesn't have to fucking shop. Terry's not into that shit. Terry lives by her own fucking whistle. Yeah. If you got coffee and a book and a good TV,

Terry won't say a word to you. And was she, because sitting with Paul this weekend, she said, she just looked at me, she said, you know I'm not wedding around past like three or four years or something. There was like a wedding commercial on TV and she said that as a joke.

But then you were with Terry for like nine or ten years before you got married. Like, did he propose before then? Or was she just cool? Like, there must have been a lot of pressure for her. No, there was an understanding. There was an understanding that I had been married before. I'm like, I didn't believe in that paperwork.

But that was looking at it from one side. The reason why, if you want to know the truth, the reason why I married Terry is I went for a Santa Rear reading with my guy, and he was telling me that woman in your life, you have to marry her. That one of the saints, one of the female saints, deities wants me to marry her. And I said, fine. I went, I left there, I paid the man his money. I got on the fucking phone.

I told him when are we getting married, I asked him. And it was that quick, because I wanted my wife, I could just imagine how bad my wife felt going home in front of her family and not being married. You know, every woman wants to be in love, but everyone wants to be married even more. Yeah. It gives them the solidity that they want.

And if that makes my wife happy after all she's done for me, I didn't understand that. You know, my wife will tell you, when I showed up to live with my wife, I showed up with a bag. Yeah. An army bag. There was no furniture.

There was no TV. There was no stereo. So he worked for everything, and I always wanted that in the woman. I felt that my wife gave up too fast when I was married to, but I didn't want to be married to her anyway. But that's what happens in society today.

People just give the fuck up. And if you talk to your parents, if you talk to your grandparents, they fucking suffered. Their relationship stayed longer because they suffered. They put sweating together. They really did.

And that's why they stayed married 48 fucking years. And that's why after your grandmother died, your grandfather died three fucking weeks later, because they were connected at the hip because they worked for something, together and that's what today America doesn't want to do if you meet a girl right now and she wants to not have kids and you want she fucking splits once you get married you get married i wasn't going to suppose to propose to Terry ever again i get married you know why i'm a catholic and i had one

shot of dune and i fucked it up i didn't want to be one of those guys that gets married every time his dick gets hard i got a friend on facebook he's married five fucking times oh no in 15 years you're a fucking loser you can't offer somebody everything you're And once it's not there, you just want to split. That's it. Once the fucking game don't work, you want to take your ball and go home. No, that's when it gets real. That's when the relationship gets fucking real.

I was Terry fucking six years before I knew I was in love with her. You know what I found I was in love with it? When I shot the Longest Shard. And I was going to bed at 2 in the morning and getting up at 4, coked up, and I would go in the shower to fucking wake up. And when I came out of the shower in my football uniform, would be on the couch with a sandwich for me to eat on the drive over there.

Oh, wow. You know, and that's when I realized this is fucking real. This chick's got my back. Yeah. She's not with me because of fucking some dumb TV show. She's with me because she's my partner.

We're going to do this shit together. We do this shit the old-fashioned way. And that's what the success is between me and her. That's why I look forward to going home. Yeah. That's why I don't work Sundays. That's why I'm here Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday because I have to give her what she deserves.

You know, yesterday at 1 o'clock, there was nothing I wanted more in the world than to go to Jiu-Jitsu. My back was a little sore from doing... Kettlebells on Friday, but I wanted to go to Jiu-Jitsu. But you know what? I got Monday through Friday to go to Jiu-Jitsu.

My Sundays are for them. And these are my own personal rules. And these are the rules I didn't have when I first got married. That's why I'm not married anymore. You know, you asked me the other day about your day. We discussed your day. Yeah.

Your day, your life. It has to have a lot of discipline and you have to understand what the people around you mean to you And I'll make it day. I don't give a fuck if you get a notebook and you got to write it out what Lee means to you What the Agostino means to me what my wife means to me what these people mean to me And just to remind you of how you have to fucking act You know I've always said that when I went to prison I could have stayed in prison forever I would have done fine I could have shot coke. I could have got a typewriter it wasn't those people if I went to prison today Lee I'd worry about you I wouldn't

I wouldn't want you to come see me. Really? Fuck, no. I don't want nobody to come see me. What, are you fucking crazy? You embarrass you? Because you're going to feel bad. You're going to feel how you failed.

You're going to feel. You're going to go, he's in there not because he, because I failed as a friend. He shouldn't have done that. I should have been there that night with him. Why wasn't I with him that night? That's how you start thinking. That's how you start thinking on the outside. So if you're legit, if you're.

you're a real friend none of you some jerkle let's go visit jolly oh my god i've never been to a prison before fuck these motherfuckers lee lee let me tell you something let me tell you who i am impressed with like i said listen guys if you listen to most podcasts people have five to six sponsors maybe seven fucking sponsors we kept it to three we really like on it we really like dollar shave club even though we're not going to have no more hulu plus every time i see a commercial Every time my wife goes to Hulu Plus and I look over, I'm more and more impressive. They have a fucking hell of a collection of shows.

Do you only people come up to me and said, we saw you on Brooklyn 9-9 on Hulu Plus? Really? You know how I'm happy that makes me? Yeah. So thank you very much for the people that support of Hulu Plus this year. It's the same people that support us and all our fucking things. Thank you very much.

If you haven't experienced Hulu Plus yet, you're fucking slipping like Lee. You're slipping, cuck, sucker. You understand me? You have to go to joeydeers.net. Go to the Hulu Plus banner. You get two weeks complimentary on the arm. You're more than welcome to look at every show

and every movie and every original program and they have to offer in those two weeks. If you don't like what you see in those two weeks, fine. We shake hands and we part friends, but you're going to love it. You're going to love it. Because you can live your life on your motherfucking terms at Hulu Press.

You can watch these shows when the fuck you want to. Go to joeydeers. You're going to have tour schedules there after the new year, the new t-shirts will be up and the hats and the patches but for right now i don't give a fuck about that go to huluplus.com sign up right now put your credit card whatever the fuck they want from you two weeks for free try everything out i don't give a fuck if it comes with a finger that you could sit on and spit around do that get your asshole worked on after that it's 799 a month okay

you can't beat that that's 96 dollars a year for fucking entertainment you spend 96 dollars when you come watch one of us assholes jump up and down with a bunch of us other asshole. Now you got it all fucking here. That's the name of the tour. So please go to Huluplus.com. Support Hulu Plus, support Dollar Shave Club. Help on it out,

on and fucking take care of you. And Hulu Plus is Joey. For the code word. The cold word is Joey. Thank God that Lee. Let's eat another fucking. No, thank you. What the fuck, Lee? Let's eat another fucking I had one already. First you got mad at me because I said no edibles. Now I'm having edibles

and it's not enough. But you didn't eat enough. You got to eat another little bit. No, I don't. A pocintico mausily. we're hopping here Lee we're hopping Cog suck I love you Lee you're a good man Are you gonna go to any New England games in your home?

No fuck it's cold It was cold last year when I went I was gonna bring it through I was trying to bring it to a Celtics game Fucking the cheapest ticket's like a hundred bucks now And they're bad again So they should have lowered the prices But fuck it

I'm not gonna do that We're going to a Not improv Ticket to a nicer game Where the fucking basketball game is on? like a nice restaurant where the game is up. We'll do that,

but we're going on to a... Have you ever heard of the show Shere Madness? No. It says like, not improv, but it's like kind of like a sketch and it's,

but they ask the audience, like, it's like a murder mystery thing but it changes every night and I must do it. I saw it like two or three times like eight years ago and I was howling laughing.

So I'm going to go to that. I'm going to go to some restaurants with mom and her. That's, this is the first girl I'm really introducing to my mom so it's kind of, So you're dropping some fucking big Guitus this trip.

You're living like a doctor. When you get back, cocksucker, I don't want to hear it no more. For the first four weeks, you tell Paul it's over. We're going to work. You're going to Minneapolis with me. Oh, cool. You're going to Buffalo with me. Fuck you.

And then when we're back here, you're fucking working. We're doing the improv, the 17th. It's over for you in January. You're going back to work, heavy duty. I love it. You want to make money, right? You got to do podcasts with fucking DiAgostino. You got Simone.

You got Rick Ramers. You got big shit happening in your fucking career now. I'm trying to fly. Flying Jew radio. Check it out. Flying Jew radio. We've done three episodes. That's right. And then the next Jew is the fucking Jewish tank of debt radio.

But it's over. Once you come back, jump up and down, do it with you together. You're going to put the testicle testaments on payloads this week. You're doing some shit. He ain't fucking around no more. Never fucking around. For a while he was on the couch, rubbing his feet. I don't know what to do.

I'm going to be doing that today. I'm going to come over every, no, you ain't doing that shit today. You got to work until this wears off. No, nothing's going to wear off. Nothing. You're going to do it while it's on. So you would live life with fucking. beautiful day. It's a beautiful day to be alive with a

Cheebo Chew. You know many people wish they had a fucking a bag of Cheebo juice? No, it is. You have a bag of Cheebo choose here and you sit on the couch. You don't get no fucking son. You almost the last time you went to the beach. That's my fucking problem with you. That's it. If I ever went to the beach, you'd come down there and throw me in the ocean?

Well, if you were eating Mediterranean food. This year, I'm giving you the blogging. We're going to do Flying Jew World. You're going to start fucking going to the gym with this camera. You're going to show the people what the Flying Jews days about. They don't want to see you living room. Maybe just once. All right, cocks,

I'm fucking crazy. I'm fucking, you're fucking crazy. You're fucking crazy, cocksucker, I'm crazy. It's a beautiful day to be alive, as usual, cocksuckers. I really hope you got something out of the podcast. It wasn't the funniest fucking podcast, but at least we're here cracking some fucking funny for you, the week of Christmas.

Like I said, the other day, I want the best for you guys for Christmas. Spend it with your families, hug motherfuckers, love motherfuckers. But then 2000, fucking 14, we're back, and this year we're stabbing motherfuckers as a network. You understand me? Stabbing motherfuckers as a network.

ABC has been around for 2,000 years. They haven't stabbed nobody. We at the church, we're going to take what's coming to us. We're going to take what's coming to us. No more fucking around. When we wake up, we're going to look at the fucking flag, grab our fucking nuts, sniff our fingers, and go out there, we're going to go to work and tell the boss,

I'm working six hours to them getting paid for it. I love, that's what I used to, to love that when you'll tell the boss you're coming in at 12. That's not really how it works. Tell him what you're going to fucking do today, cocks sucker. I ain't got no time to be coming in. What else? Nothing. It's crazy.

I was just looking at our numbers the other night. We've done like, we've had 4 million people, well not people, but 4 million downloads like this year. Maybe closer to 5. And I can't believe that that happened. From me and you sitting outside

the comedy club, eating you eating juju-bis and and and doing that and then like you said like last night like a 10 people bought the documentary and we're just talking about it. It's crazy we did that and then to think that five we like people listen to over 100 episodes of this is just. No, no, no. Thank you. Thank you for putting this in your life and helping us out and getting something from the podcast. I do not know if there's a last podcast of the year. depending on Wednesday night how we do with the premiere.

Remember, that's at the Lemley Theater. 7.20, we're all going to meet about a quarter of seven, get fucking stone to the gills. New Year's Eve, the CD comes out. You can't eat pussy with asthma on iTunes and on payloads. Payloads will probably have a couple days before that. So check the payloads just to get a quick steal. Payloads will just be $5 flat.

No equal tracks. iTunes will have everything for $799. And also, New Year's Eve, I'm like the motherfucking. John Lovitz comedy club, 8 o'clock show. If you want to stay for the DJ. After what, you pay for it. You can jump up and down and dance.

If now you go home and give you a wife to high hard one and do what you need to do. Go to John Lovitz.com. Go to a webpage. Click on to fucking Joey D. New Year's extravaganza. The only sadness I have is that my brother Lee won't be here. But fuck it, we'll be talking on the phone on stage and shit.

Fuck yeah. No, if you see me in Boston or New York, this next couple weeks, come say hi. And you're going to New York when? The first through the third. And you're taking the bus down? Yeah. Beautiful.

Two-hour bus. You can squeeze the tities. We talked about doing something on the plane. We're doing the red eye. You told her you're going to take her in the bathroom? No, she doesn't like bathrooms. I've never done anything like that. I've never done anything like out in public.

And I was talking about it the other day. I was like, maybe we could go to like a Starbucks or like one of those bigger bathrooms. She's like, I don't like bathrooms. So I'll bring a blanket on the plane or something and see if I can get their hands up or something. It's disgusting. You're fucking disgusting. You know that?

You really love this girl and you want to bang her on the plane. What type of savage are you? That's why I love you because you're the last little fucking juice. Did you ever do that on the plane? One of your uncle stabbed Jesus in the foot, I'm telling you.

He stuck that beam through his fucking ankle. They never fucking nobody in the plane? Nah. I think I fooled her out of my honeymoon and my first wife on the plane. It was disgusting and that was it. Have you ever seen it? Like, do you have plane stories?

No. Or you're usually too high to notice What's going on with other people? No, you know, when I was smuggling coke in 87, one time I got all fucked up one night. And I got on the plane and I can't sit next to this young nanny. And I started talking to her. For some reason, dog, I started fingering this chick on the plane. The nanny?

It was disgusting. Yeah, she was hot. Oh, my God. And she was hot. I always think about that if it was wrong. I don't even know what happened. I can't think about what happened. So then I met another girl on the plane.

85 and we kind of spent the night together. But that was it. Nothing crazy. I'm no fucking love master. I'm an ugly dude. I got no fucking game. I'm saying? I barely got my wife. It's crazy when we're out and like you tell me to say these things to girls. Like guys, when he says

tell a girl that you want to sniff her asshole it's not a joke. He goes out and says it to like a random girl and I've never seen the one like I saw one in San Jose get mad. The girl walking by like when Eddie Bravo was there and she just was like and then you yelled at her for 20 minutes

you're ugly motherfucker you're out with losers anyways but like 99.9% of the waitresses of the clubs it's just it's crazy that like women react to it last night I was walking on the stage and Vinny O'Shena was at the ha ha and he said do you got this girl here that's driving me fucking crazy she's my cousin's cousins so she's kind of related to me no you're not

you can fuck her And when she came out, she sat there and she was all being drunk and goofy. And I kept saying, listen, this guy wants to take you home and light your ass on the fire. She goes, I want her to, too. Women want her too. They want you to say shit to them to get them fucking going.

What woman wants you to say, let's call them to make love? That's fucking faggotry. You look at a face, you look at a woman and go, tonight I'm going to eat your fucking asshole. She's going to think, what the fuck in my? Who am I dealing with here? Where did I bump into this fucking vampire? I'm feeling that cheebo chew.

I'm getting nice and cook. Me too. I'm going to go to the gym and throw those fucking kettlebells around like they owe me 20 bucks. Merry Christmas to you and your families. I really love you guys. You know it in my heart and in my voice that this is not just some fucking podcast. We're a fucking family. I love you guys.

I want you to have a Merry Christmas. And if we don't talk on fucking Thursday, email me at Joey Diaz. I answer the fucking emails. I love you guys. With all my heart, I'm not here to fucking sabotage you. I'm not here to fucking preach to you. I'm here so you fucking take something from this, you know, and be the best that you can be.

They got us all fucking scared, and they got us all fucking figured out, but they really don't because they don't know what the fuck we got planned for them motherfuckers. You understand me? You know, it's like Bronx tail when the fucking bikers come to the bar and then fucking Chas turns around me and goes,

now you can't leave. Are you fucking kidding me? And that's the way we got a plan on a day. I love you guys. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year if we don't see you. We'll see you. match, don't forget about the CD and we'll see you bright and early fucking January,

ready to sling dick, and let motherfuckers know we ain't fucking around. I love you. What, Lee? What, you fuck. I hope people really come and get tickets early for Grudgematch. We're not making money off of this because we're just going to a movie theater. With you guys. And how cool would it be, like, to have 300 people in a theater?

And we don't want, like, the one weird family who's in there to be like, oh, they're laughing and someone let a joint. Like, how cool would it be if, like, I don't know. 200 people. We're going to even sing Christmas carols afterward. You think I'm fucking with you. We're all going to get on Lancashem and sing Silent Night like we did in fucking Nashville

last week. You sang Silent Night and Nashville? After the show. It's on YouTube. Oh, that's cool. We sang fucking Silent Night in Nashville. We're going to get together as a fucking network, as a fucking family, and go to a movie together. And it breaks my heart. It breaks my fucking heart.

I'm going to be with all you guys because it's a great feeling for me. It's a great eat of the movie Whatever the fuck you decide on It's about movement It's about fucking that we did it We shoved it up somebody's ass So if I did it and I'm a fucking loser

You could do it, motherfucker. Stay black. See you Thursday, Wednesday night At the fucking grudge match If not, I love you guys. Merry Christmas. Now that the show's over, don't forget It ain't over.

It's never over. It's never over. Now that the show is taking a break don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey or go to JoeyDias.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And don't forget to sign up for Dollar Shaveclub.com.

You get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church. or just go to joey ds.net and click on the dollar shape club banner oh shit your tongue ever get too big for your mouth when you're talking when you're high because that just happened why you bother me for you another cheap old ch-o ch-chum your tongue is getting big because you're having a lot of big fit

you know the cheap boat ch-o-choo.