The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #123 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: December 13, 2021

Welcome to The JOINT..... It's Monday, December 13th..... This episode is brought to you by Better Help, Me Undies & Onnit….. Go to https://www.BetterHelp.com/DIAZ Use PROMO CODE: DIAZ for 10% OFF your 1st Month! Go to https://www.MeUndies.com/JOEY & Try it for FREE for 30days with 15% OFF your 1st Order! Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH for 10% OFF! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Ep. 66 - Cassius Morris - https://youtu.be/Vb2mL_oZswY Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

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We got no time to fuck around. Let's do this. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday, the 13th of December. A tremendous fucking day. We did it another week. here. That's it. The fucking bullshit is over with. I'm feeling good. I'm looking good. My balls are fresh. What do you want? It's fucking Monday. You know what I'm saying? You got to bathe.

You got to cut your toenails. You got to be ready for the next fucking week. We got two weeks. That's it. I couldn't fucking believe Saturday night. I was watching. I was at a Christmas party and we were just talking shit. You know, you don't really think about what's going. I know, I don't. I'm just worried about today and fucking making it on today. And somebody said it's two weeks away from Christmas, I was like, what the fuck? I was trying to listen, guys, I know that there's some things I fucking attack, but there's some things I fucking stray from. And it's like Christmas because I know I got to go Christmas. I still have not gotten a fucking seed. Nothing. I haven't gotten my wife a fucking thing. I got her a Christmas present. That's it, because I

get double whammy. My wife's Christmas, my wife's birthday present is the 28th. So I got to come up with Christmas presents, and then two days later turn around like a fucking, you know, and get another fucking present. I don't know if you guys know this. I'm not fucking Captain TikTok Magoo or going into stores. I fucking hate going into stores. And this is for all my life, like going Christmas shopping, like with a list.

I go into a store or two. I already know, listen, there's a mall close to my house. I already know everything is going to get done in that more. The Christmas card, the little fucking, designer jewelry. I usually get it like this fucking jewelry. She likes. It's like 10 bucks, 20 bucks.

I'm going to have to go to like Coles or something and get her a blouse or some shit. And I was going to get her a purse. Me and my daughter were going to get her a nice purse. Like we did a couple years ago, what happened? She goes to Bingo and wins a fucking purse. So I'm done there.

So now I can't, that's one gift. I can't, you know, because I don't know what the fuck is going on with people. You know, you give some cash. You give some gift cards. Then they tell you you you can't get fucking gift cards. You know, you go to buy something for somebody. Thank God I put my wife.

My wife does all that shit. Thank God. She loves doing it, so I pass it on to her. There's a couple people I look at. I don't even send a fucking Christmas card. I'm so bad. I wouldn't even know where the fuck to start. I never sent Christmas cards.

When people send me Christmas cards, I feel like a fucking asshole. Like, look at this. This is fucking terrible, you know. And you hang their cards up to celebrate them and shit. But it's not enough unless you send a card. But for me, this is something. there one night and just write Christmas cards, I don't see myself

fucking doing it, I'm sorry. Some people are good at that shit, some people are not and don't feel bad because for years I've been beating myself up over this shit. I like Christmas. Let me tell you something. I'm going to tell you the two reasons why I left L.A. today because I've been really thinking about it.

One of the reasons, and I'm going to tell you how it went down, just so you know I'm not a fucking sack of shit here. I went to a Christmas party on night. When I left, I'm going to drive home. I go, How many of those did we do in LA? And that's the first one of the fucking 20 that we're going to. You know, like all the kids we hang out with their family,

all has a different way to celebrate Christmas. Like one's doing, did one Saturday night. And it was, what's that shit when you just give one person a gift, silent secret Santa for the kids, you know? That was great. Yeah, no, no, that was great. There was 20 people there. There was more fucking dessert than there was food.

And there was a ton of fucking food. like I know I'm in Jersey, from pizza to sandwiches to lasagna to meatballs. I mean, these fucking people did it right, you know. And here's the funny thing. On the way home, we were driving on the way home, and I said to my wife, you know, how many of those did we do in LA? You know, that's all I wanted. That's all I wanted for it to feel like Christmas.

One fucking year. One fucking year for it to be, okay, it's bad enough. There's no snow. There's no cold weather. Everybody fucking leaves. Like, already, L.A., well, it's been empty since fucking last July and last August. But you could see if you live in L.A. right now, people start leaving, which really sucks because these are the people usually invite over. You know how many fucking years I had like orphans over, you know, and I didn't mind.

I loved that shit. Having orphans over, people coming over eating some fucking Carvel cake, talking some shit. It makes you feel warm. Like, it makes you feel great when you can have people over and open up your family to other people. Let me tell you something. For years, people opened up their homes to me on Christmas Eve. So I know exactly how it feels.

When you don't have any fucking dough and you got to, like, scrape around your house just to bring, like, the lady who's inviting you over, like, an apple pie. Like, you have to go to fucking shop right and get yourself an apple pie that's on sale. You can't even get, like, a quality apple pie. Trust me. Yeah, I've been there, guys. I've been there. So I know what it is to feel shitty on Christmas.

So now I can feel a little fucking better. I mean, I'm not, you know, running through the fucking streets, jumping up and down, which we'll get to in a second. And, you know, I'm not fucking run up the street, but I enjoy Christmas. And if I have a little something, I like to have some people over. I always ask, hey, you want to come over, you know, whatever you want to stop by, if you're single,

especially if you're fucking single. I always tried to have fucking people over. In fact, what killed me two Christmases ago, what let me know I had to leave L.A. Was I had a couple orphans over, no names. And I had an orphan brought a friend that is, right? And I don't give a fuck, it's Christmas. You open your door to everybody.

And we're sitting there yacking up and fucking down. And the next thing, you know, this chick is telling me about Instagram friends. She gave me a 22-minute ear-beaten on Instagram friends. her whole life was revolved around fucking Instagram friends. And it was so sad. Like she brought me so down. I hadn't been that down since they canceled a Greenhorn in 68.

I hadn't been that fucking down. I swear to God, she brought me so down on the holiday. I'm like, this bitch don't care about Christmas. This bitch don't care about a family. She don't give a fuck about nothing. All she cares about is her Instagram friends. It was the fucking loneliest thing. I was like, I got to get the fuck out of you.

And I still remember. Rogan calling me and going, hey, man, I'm thinking of moving to Texas. I like to know if you want to come down, blah, blah, blah. And the first thing I said is, what are we going to do on Christmas? You know, like, what? I'm sick and tired of fucking just sitting here on Christmas Eve. And I was like a diehard, like I would never leave. I left one year and I was back by the 20th.

And it was food, it was money out of my pocket. Because I usually book a lot of television from Thanksgiving to Christmas Eve to the 19th, 18th, that's when the year goes. After that, you're in no fucking danger. One year I booked a fuck. One year I booked an NFL commercial on Christmas Eve. I booked it on the 22nd and we shot on Christmas Eve in the fucking morning. Yes, we did.

They paid us double. I loved all that fucking shit. But the other night, Mercy came downstairs and was watching TV. I came from somewhere and I was walking past and she was scrolling like she was hitting the numbers instead of going on the fucking page

and picking whatever the fuck you want to watch and she had something on and I recognized the music right I'm like I know this fucking music and I turned around and it was two and a half men after Charlie Sheen left

with the fucking Ashton Coucher and I look up and who do I see Uncle Joey right I'm like, holy fuck. That's right. I did the Christmas one for fucking two and a half men. Like the last two years they had it. Dog, they fucking called me one year.

They're like, hey, we want you to audition for two and a half men. I'm like, what? And I knew the lady, the casting lady, for years. She never fucking called me for anything. She had booked me in other things, but I knew that she cast the show. And she goes, yeah, I want you to come in to read for this fucking role. when she sent me the side for the audition,

it was like, I don't even know what the fuck they were. I couldn't even, I was like, what the fuck is this? It was everybody else was jumping up and down and singing, and I'm on the corner with some guys. That's when I broke it down to. So when I went into the audition, I go, what do I do? She goes, just stand there and do whatever you want. What would you do if you were standing on the corner?

I go, that's a fucking great audition. Picking my nose, looking around. I don't fucking know, scratching my balls. She started laughing. She goes, I don't know. that. So I was just doing that, you know, like just fucking hanging out. Whatever, she goes, thank you for coming in. I'm like, that was a waste of my

fucking time. Thank God it was Burbank. It was really fucking close to the house. I wasn't that angry. Well, she called me two days later and she's like, hey man, you got the part if you want to do it. I'm like, what? Are you fucking serious? She's like, yeah, it shoots four days. We're going to give you a

flat fee, no residuals. The flat fee wasn't bad. I'm like, fuck it, I'll take it. But I was pissed because it was a scene on the street and all these dances are singing down the street and we're the last guys on the corner. So when they were rehearsing all fucking week

they were rehearsing other scenes. They weren't even looking at us. They were just going to walk past me like usual. People just walked past me and weren't going to stop and talk to me nothing. So I'm sitting there on the corner and I'm like I finally me and the other two fucking dudes the other dude was my friend's

cousin, the most annoying man in North America. I had to wear fucking. And you think I'm kidding you. I had to wear those fucking things you put in your ears, he wouldn't shut the fuck up. I must have walked 20,000 steps those four days, just getting away from him. The guy would drive me crazy from the fucking time I

walked on the set to the time I left. It was a thousand question, Charlie. So I was like, this is too much. So I was dying to get the fuck out of there. So I went to the producers, I went to everybody, I'm like, listen, that camera don't get to us to the fucking end, and you guys are jumping up and down

the middle of street. Can we get the fuck out of here? You know what I'm saying? Like, what are we doing here? We're just standing here. He's like, nah, because we might need you later. Listen, on the end, it worked out. They fucking paid me. I had a great fucking time. Would I do it again?

I don't know. It was the four longest days of my fucking life. The highlight was one night to have like a little fake Christmas party, and his girlfriend came. Everybody was drooling all over. What's the name? The little chick, I don't know what, fucking, after he dumped fucking Bruce Willis's wife.

That's when I did it. Right around that, Malia Kunis, whatever. her fucking name is she was on the set one night with some of her fucking girlfriends and all the other actors like oh my god malia cooness let me see if i get on the fucking show and i went home i got my food and went home they had good fucking food though but it's funny the other night i did something for myself not to get off the subject but it's really weird how i get not anymore i think that i talked about it so much on all the general podcast that people got the hint about the fucking woe was me routine listen

I get the war was me routine. I love to use it from time to time myself until I catch myself doing it. Like the war was me routine and you're like, what the fuck am I doing? You know, I've had other opportunities. What am I crying about this for? So I hate the war was fucking me routine.

And it's been, you know, I just was fucked up to last year so I didn't know. It wasn't really a war was me routine. It was like I got to get my shit together. So Thursday night last week, the Gracie, the Jiu-Jitsu family, was having a seminar in fucking Jersey here.

A buddy of mine, coach Sean, let me know. He goes, you're more than welcome. You're invited, you know. They're going to have some food afterward and shit. Let me tell you something. You don't know what the word anxiety was until fucking Thursday. I woke up Thursday, had a great morning, did my Patreon work, did some stuff with my wife. I went to the gym.

I worked out. And I had a fucking, that night I had to go. It was a 6.30. we had to be there. Now, I hate doing shit at night. The reason why I do jihitsu and the gym and everything in the morning is because I got to get it over with, and I hate sitting there all day with that in my mind.

Like, if you have to go to acupuncture at 5, you can't get high all day. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's just brutal. And I used to go to acupuncture at 1230, and it was still brutal for me. I would get fucking high. I mean, I don't get high in the daytime anymore, but when you're doing jihitsu at night and all those late things,

you got to watch what you put in your fucking body. Like if you meet somebody at five and you go eat pizza and the pizza is good and you get an extra slice, you gotta go to Jiu-Jitsu with those three or four fucking slices in your stomach. And let me tell you something, that shit's a fucking nightmare to work out.

Like I get lift weights with breakfast in my stomach but the fucking, you know, do hip escapes and fucking arm bars and shit with nothing in your fucking stomach is goddamn brutal. With your stomach full is brutal. Especially at night, You've smoked already You fucking breathe this terrible

Fucking air all day You have shit with your mind You're kids sick You need a babysitter So when you go to train at night All that shit's on your mind At least it is for me So I just don't do well at night

So I'd rather I don't know if it was because I was older I don't know what the fuck it is I'd rather get it over with In the daytime this seminar They don't do seminars in the daytime Unless it's Saturday This seminar was at night

And it was part of a Christmas party Let me tell you something. I was making excuses all fucking day. I haven't made these many excuses since I had to get up on stage and do comedy the first time. You should have heard the excuse machine then. And I don't say to it because nobody really knew. My wife knew I was going to the seminar. Nobody else really.

It's not like I called my friends and go, guess what? I'm going to a Gracie seminar. It's not that at all. They're like, that's great. So I didn't say nothing. I just told my wife, I got to go to this thing Thursday. And I think it would be really good for me, you know? And she's like in which way?

I'm like, I just, A, I get the fuck out of here at night, which I never fucking do. B, I work out at night, which I never do. And my mind is shifted. And C, you know, I go to Jiu-Jitsu at night. All these three things are great. I get to talk to people. They're going to have a fucking, they had a cater,

some barbecue and shit like that. It's a party, Joey. Go. You're a fucking man. Go. You know, you could drink, do whatever the fuck you want. I brought a little fucking vapor pen with me those fucking A BX pens.

Holy shit. Where is my little ABX man? I hit it before. I was coughing. My wife thought I had COVID and shit. It's tremendous. This ABX shit is clean, whether it's the fucking edibles,

that 100 milligram, 200 milligram. Mmm. Hmm. I don't even know what flavor this is. I don't know what it is. I just like it. I'm like fucking what's...

I don't know what it is. I just like it. You know what I'm saying? but what are we talking about? Oh, the fuck, isn't it? The who? The Gracie. I was just giving myself excuses.

I'm like, I'm going to eat it 5.30, so I don't have to go. But then something happened, I ate at four. I'm like, oh, fuck, everything worked out. I set it up that way. I had a late breakfast. I had a late lunch because my daughter had a fucking half day. And I said, let me go down there. And I'll tell you guys, I was doing like 15 miles an hour with that.

I'm not going to lie to you. It takes like 10 minutes. It took me like an hour that night. When I got there at 625, when I walked in, there was 50 fucking people, guys and geese, guys in shape, guys that look like they fucking eat right every day. You know, and I walk in with my fat little stumpy white hair, and I felt so fucking insecure. But you know what? People started shaking my hand. How are you doing?

Thank you for coming. Bro, I can't believe you came. you know, shit like that. And you feel good. It felt great about it. It wasn't even the workout I was dreading. It wasn't getting beat up. I was dreading.

None of that shit. It was just my own dread. You put these own things into your fucking head. That's what the art of wars about that book that we, that I go over once a year. I'll go over it now in January. You know, I found it like three months ago and I started reading little excerpts from it. I can't read the whole book again. I read the whole book like 20 times.

But I have excerpts that are like outlined out, like little yellow. I put like the fucking highlighter and I just highlight them out and I'll read two or three chapters and it gets you back on the fucking ball because it's basically doing what you don't want to do for yourself. I don't know what, you know, I can see you don't want to jump off a building.

I can see that you don't want to fucking, you know, go to act. I could see. I could see all these things but there comes something when you're doing something for yourself. For years, I wouldn't. And then I started thinking of mind when I go to the doctor.

I don't go to the doctor for you. I go to the doctor for me. I go to the doctor because it's one of my pet peeves, so I make sure I get there. You have no idea when I lived in fucking Hollywood and how to go to the doctor. It was horrible. I would have my wife drive me,

and then when I'd go, why is she driving an adult male to the fucking doctor? What the fuck is my problem? What do I need help? So I just drive myself. I don't think about it. I go in there. I take my medicine,

whatever the fuck they're going to give me. They got to draw blood. They got to get you. How many fucking vaccines? I got to take in the next couple of weeks. Shingles, fucking, there's another one I got to take. Marco Colon pneumonia. Marco, come on some fucking shit.

And all these vaccines hurt like fuck. Krista Leah got the fucking whatever one, the one for chickenpox. And he's like, my arm hurt for like a fucking month. I was dizzy. I don't want to take it, but CVS has all that shit right there. They have it all in the fucking record there. If you get your shot, boom. These are the things you got to look at when you're an old man.

Remember, when... Remember Pauley and the Sopranos when they show them cutting coupons? I'm almost there. I'm not there, but I'm almost there. I'm like two or three fucking weeks away from cutting coupons. That's just what happens, guys. It's not that I want to cut fucking coupons. It's just the fucking situation I got in front of me.

But it's just so weird. I walked in there, guys. You know, I had so much anxiety at one point I thought I was going to fucking pass out. I don't know if you guys ever get that anxious when you go someplace and you feel insecure. I just felt like I did not need to fucking be there. But guess what? I needed to be there. I talked to a few guys.

You know, I knew a few guys from going to classes there. You know, not a lot of guys. I know, like maybe five or six guys. It was like 40 guys there. I felt like a fuck. Even the girls looked fucking like they could beat me up. So I just said, fucking, I went. I went on the fucking mat.

I listened to what they had to say. There's a guy there that is, about 10 years younger than me, sweetheart of a guy, big motherfucker. He always works with me on the court classes. We looked at each other. We're like, let's go. So it was kind of easy. I worked with him, I swear to God.

The thing started at 6.30, I'm like, I'm out of here at 8. Like, Joey D is shit. Like, I'm out of here at 8. You know what, at 8 o'clock? I was sweating like a fucking pig with that muscle-bound guy on top of me. I'll never forget I've made a mental nut. I'm like, what am I doing at 8 o'clock? I remember looking at the clock.

And going, it's 8 o'clock. You know what I'm usually doing on 8 o'clock? Sitting here, contemplating, jumping out a fucking window. I'm going to watch some shitty TV shows, something like that. I did that. I was like, all right, I got to make up an excuse. I got to leave at 8.30. At 8.30, I was still on my fucking back, sweating up a storm.

I said, fuck it, I'll get out of here at 9. At 9, they were doing the promotions for the class. And I said, fuck it. I'm just going to stay. and I stayed, I had barbecue with the guys, I talked with them, I walked in my house about fucking 10.30. I'd never forget, I didn't check my phone for like three hours. When I went in, my wife had texted me like 18 times, are you okay?

Where are you? What's going on? Me and Mercy are worried about you? I'm like, what the fuck? I'd go off for three hours and all of a sudden you call on 911 report. What the fuck? I'm going out. You know, I mean, they weren't mad or anything.

They just know that I'm usually back. I haven't been driving distances lately because I'm getting fucking car sick again this is three car six now in two fucking weeks yesterday I went to get something and I went the way back I fucking had to lay down and took a nap for now when I have in the afternoon you know when the last time I took a nap in the afternoon was

not never I have no fucking idea when it was the last time I napped in the afternoon because I'd have to drink coffee I'm not getting high in the morning but I had a fucking nap that's how sick I was I think I got sick Monday night when I went to Jimmy Florentine's game on Vanderberg

and I got sick two weeks ago when I was trying to go down to Frankie Eggers and Seaside and I fucking puke so that means for the next couple weeks until I find out what's going on. I don't know if I'm trying to sit here going what did I do the last two weeks that I've been doing differently.

Have I taken a vitamin? You know, I'm almost finished with my fucking alpha brain cycle. I started in December because I want to be tip, top, Magoo January fucking 1st

you know what I'm saying because 2021 is not going to be a joke I hope all you motherfuckers are getting ready for 2021 because it's going to be

a fucking great year 2022 I'm sorry that's the Riefer you know what I'm saying that's 20 years of smoking Rifa guys and I just want you

to be fucking prepared it's going to be a great year they've got to throw some curve balls at you don't think it's going to be yeah fuck it the Omnacron virus is gone we're jumping up and down

you're going to get some fucking curve balls at you. Trust me when I'm telling you, be prepared, but who gives a fuck? The most important thing is that we keep fucking pushing. And let me tell you something else about 2022, I want you to be prepared on. We're sponsored by Better Help Online Therapy. I was the last person in the world you could talk to about therapy. You ever see that movie with The Thief with James Conn when he tells the guy, I'm the last guy in the world you want to fuck with?

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And I was forced to talk to people It wasn't enjoyable And when I was After I got out of the system You know they threw me to that fucking serenity rehab And I thought she was a nightmare That woman But when I ran into the snag I had after I moved here, you know, I just had a lot of issues.

I had been thrown with a lot of stuff. I didn't know what to do. I spoke to a couple of friends of mine, and they were like, and they're a lot smarter than I am. And they were like, maybe you should, you know, try some therapy. I looked around. I called her back. I said, I can't find anybody. I called the psychiatrist.

He was like, we're not taking any pay. I must have called 30 people. And finally, one of my girls I grew up with said, listen, I've been struggling too. The reason why you can't find somebody is because everybody's struggling. It's not just you. Get therapy online and she referred BetterHelp. And let me tell you something, you guys have seen the difference. I've been with BetterHelp.

I've been with BetterHelp.com since about March and I feel great. I took to a lady there named Dana once a week. We used to do morning, but now we do night times, you know, like 6, 7 o'clock. Listen, it's great. Better help. Many think people, a lot of people think therapies for crazy people and that's not right. I mean, listen, I'm not saying I'm not crazy, but it means that you recognize that we're all humans, that we got something going on and that we all have emotions and need to learn to control them.

Sometimes they get out of hand. Sometimes things come into my head that are just too fast. Therapy's a tool to utilize before things get worse. Don't wait until things get unbearable like I did. I should have taken a hint last March of 2020. March 2nd, but I didn't. BetterHelp is customized online therapy. They offer video phone and chat sessions with your therapist.

You don't have to see anybody on camera if you don't want them. Maybe you're shy. Maybe you have a hard time making eye contact. It was the same thing for me. The other thing about BetterHelp, it's much more affordable than in-person therapy and you could start communicating with your therapist. And less than 48 hours. I think that's tremendous also.

I talked to my therapist this morning. Monday 845 tip top my goo. What I'm trying to suggest to you is to give it a try and see why over 2 million people have used Better Help Online Therapy. Listen, just for the joint listeners, what I'm going to do this month, I'm going to give you 10% off your first month.

Why is this crucial? Because it's December. You don't want to go into 2022 with, you know, thinking weird stuff, you don't know, you're confused. This is the time to attack like I did. Don't wait for life.

Life ain't going to deliver your package, you know what I'm saying? It ain't going to be like that. Betterhelp.com slash Diaz, D-I-A-Z. That's betterhelp.com slash Diaz. Take control of your life and get help that you deserve. Better help. Again, this doesn't mean they're going to put you in a padded room. Do they put me in a padded room?

No. You rap to somebody. You talk to them and you feel better. And after about three or four weeks guarantee, you at least get a direction of which way to go. You'll start going online to have activity pages that you can work on, cognitive pages for you. Trust me, BetterHelp.com. Diaz, 10% off your first month.

So in January, you're ready to fucking live like Elvis Presley. You know what I'm saying? You're making moves like Elvis. That's it and that's that. That's how I feel about it. But me going to that Gracie thing the other night was like therapy. And I even told my coach Sean over there. I go, let me tell you something.

I'm doing this for my health. I love working out. I love lifting. I love eating right. I try to eat right and stuff around here. Last night I had a couple cookies Saturday night at that party. They had those Italian cookies with the seeds and shit. God damn.

I ate three of them. That's all there was. I would eat more. But they only had three in that little tin can. You know, they buy that tin fucking can tremendous. And they only had three. It was like a thin tin can like Terminis in Philadelphia. Termini's.

You ever go to Termini? It's fucking tremendous. I order. Steve Simone, Ternandez. me on to those motherfuckers. So I usually order like Christmas cookies from them. But the last couple of years, the tin's been getting lighter and lighter. Like last year it was like this fucking skinny the tent.

It was like two rows. I'm like, what the fuck is going on my cookies? So you know what? I need a cookie like I need a dick in my ass. So who needs to fuck it? I'm not ordering no tins this year. I'm not doing none of that shit. That's what I was doing at least.

For Christmas shopping I buy a couple tins. You know, give them away. This year I'm going to get some. some fucking restaurant cards. I'll give some of my friends cash. They got kids. They rather fucking get cash in. I'm going to get him a tie. How many ties can you have? Even though a friend

of mine just called me a day. He's like, hey man, can I borrow a tie? I'm like, what are you fucking crazy? How do you have a tie? He's like, I don't know what happened to all my ties. I've lost him. I need something new to fucking wear. I go, come over. Look at the ties. What do you think? I'm Johnny Ties? When was the last time you saw me with a tie? It's not like I'm going to fucking

court every other week. I don't go to court no more. When I was going to court, I was dressing up fucking nice. I might look like a bum in fucking the regular days.

But when I go up in front of a judge you're looking like John Gott even my fucking socks are fucking smoking. Socks

toenails are done the whole fucking thing. The fungi toenail. Now let's talk about the UFC on Saturday night. Let me tell you

my little fucking te tatte for the story. So guys, I'm not a professional gambler. I don't even dig gambling

that much. But if there's a sporting event, I like to fucking throw 25 bucks just to watch the fucking whatever. So this week the UFC was on. Fucking great card, the whole thing.

You know, I'm not into the UFC like I was before, but I still like certain fighters. I love Dustin, I love Charles. You know, I like certain guys. I still love John Jones. I love fucking Derek Lewis and his hot balls. I love all that shit. So, you know, Saturday we had that fucking Christmas party.

I knew it. I went over there, I told the guy, listen, do you mind putting on the prelims? I watched Dominic Cruz, the whole thing. So I told him, because my daughter and the kid go to kickboxing together, MMA together, so I saw him at MMA Wednesday. He goes, you coming? I go, yeah, I'm fucking coming.

But you got to do me a favor. You have the prelims on from him. He goes, no worry, I got Army Navy, the whole thing. The guy had it all set up. So I went over to yesterday and the afternoon. Friday night. I was on Draft Kings. I went to look at what specials.

They run for the weekend, because that's why I like Draft Kings. They run specials, and they had. I had two, what the fuck do they call them? They call them point boosts like money boost, like point boost. So they usually give you one every couple days, which means like if you bet $25 to win $32, which I would never make that fucking bet anyway, I'm not going to sit there for two hours to sweat out $7.

I might as well pick up a fucking lemonade stand. I have more action. You know, you look at $25, $20, you want to win $45. You know what I'm saying? You want to pick up $45. That means you bet $25, you're $120, you had a good time. Nobody got rich. You knew this when you joined draft kings.

Nobody gets fucking rich. You just have a good time. You make a little money. You're all right. So I saw they had two point boost, option boost, whatever, payment boost for two fights. So Saturday morning when I got up before I had to do my money. errands and shit. I checked on with George Mazdavar, I have to say.

George Mazdavar always gives you a lock. Go with George, not the fucking, uh, the championship fights. He always gives you a lock for the early fights. Always. He's good as gold because he's got my bookies. So I went on George. He gave us the same, you know, Dustin, Amanda, but he gave you a bam bam, Tui to Avasa, the guy that fucking, you ever see this guy?

He drinks fucking beer. out of his shoe at the end of a fight and then when he walks off people pour beer into his shoe last time he fought somebody put hot sauce to the shoe fucking he went to drinking it's fucking tremendous

so this time I see he's fighting and I took the two odds boost that's what they call odds boost so I said I got nothing to lose today I'm going to watch this if I watch the prelims and I watch I love fucking Tia Tiya Tiavusa bam bam

I put 25 on him with the odds boost. I think I won. You collect $51. Again, nobody's going to get rich. But you have a good time. It pays for your fucking pretzels. Whatever the fuck, you're going to eat pizza. And then I go, what am I going to bet in the main card?

Amanda Nunes is a fucking, you know. You bet Amanda Nunes. If you bet 25 on Amanda Nunes, I think you pick up like $3. I swear to God. It's like you lose money if you win with Amanda Nunes. I'm like, I'm not betting that. I didn't know much about it. the Jeff Tate fight, Jeff, whatever's name was.

I didn't know much about what was going on, but I like Dustin, you know, and I like Charles, but I like Dustin in this fight. That was like, you know, Friday. And then I started thinking about it. I saw the MMA graph that MMA junkie put up. I saw all the graphs. Nobody was talking about Charles Oliver.

That's when the old Joey Diaz joke comes up. You've never seen a bookie with a part-time job. everybody had Dustin everybody I was sitting there I'm like nobody's going with olivera and then somebody I think draft kings of the UFC did a Twitter poll and Olivera won that but it wasn't for who's going to win tonight is for who's the better welterweight whatever the fuck he is 170 155 I'm not sure so I'm like okay that's a big difference there. I go, you know what? It's 25 bucks. What if Olivera does go off tonight? I mean, Dustin deserves it. He works hard. He's Pete McGregor. Great fucking run he went on. Did it exactly how I would do it if I was

going to do a run one man at a time. But you know what? You never seen a book he was a part-time job. I bet Olivera and both of them fucking won. But there was a snag on the way to the fucking thing. So I watched like, the first prelim the chubby dude the drinks out of the shoe he fucking punched the shit out of that dude that dude

is still hearing fucking birds I don't know where he is dog he's still hearing fucking birds that shit so we watched Dominic Cruz

then you know the fight came over I came home I watched something with mercy and then I put a fight on you know

and it was really weird that as I was sitting down John Anick said, you know, go to Draft Kings right now. Amanda Nunes is going off at this. But right now, a $100 bet on Draft Kings wins you $600. If you put $100 down on Giuliana Pena, you win $600. So again, my little junkie mind went into work. And I'm like, wait a second, you spend $20 bucks on worst things.

Like there's worst things you do with 20 bucks. You picket, gamble, whatever the fuck, you know. You've ever been walking around and you're like, I'll get that? It's just 13 bucks. 13 bucks are 13 fucking bucks. But I'm sitting in and I go, what the fuck? What's $25 on Giuliana Pena? You know what?

And then I thought of something else. Why don't I date Spanish women? Because I'm scared of them, okay? I've always been scared of Spanish women. Let's get this shit out in the open right now. Always, since I'm a kid. My mother was Spanish and I'm like, you know what? Do I really want to marry that?

Not, never. No, no, no, no. Love my mother, missa. Wish you all the best up there in heaven. Can't wait to see you. But you know what? No, no, no. Love Spanish women.

Have a lot of fucking friends of the Spanish woman. They take a bullet for you. But if you want peace of mind, I can't date a Spanish woman. When you're Spanish, you can't date a Spanish woman. I leave that to the Jews and the Italians. You guys love Spanish women. Help yourself. Don't come crying to me

when you got an iron buried in your fucking skull. Don't come crying to me, all right? So I'm like fucking Julianna Pena, I got to go with Giuliana Pena. Just for the small 25, you know what I'm saying? Joey Diaz luck, first minute she gets knocked down. I'm like, what else is new? This is the story of my life.

I'm a bum then and I'm a bum now. I'm watching this fight. And all of a sudden, Juliana, she gets her in another thing again. then Juliana gets out with a fucking Camorra, then the round ends. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? This isn't bad.

And all of a sudden, second round, Juliana went in there and laid a fucking ass whipping. An ass whipping, I got to be honest, you brought tears to my eyes. I was so happy for that Venezuela's well. And that's why, and dog, when she choked her, I go, to myself, I go, now you know why.

I don't date Spanish women, you understand me? They're my friends. I love them to debt. They're my fucking, you know, I go to war. I'm taking three little chubby Spanish women, and I'll take my chances. Fuck, you motherfuckers. Three little Mexican tanks.

A little Cuban chick that's got big tits and a little gut. That chick hasn't eaten in two days. She'll take your eye out. I'm not fucking around. So I was so happy for Julia. I even put it, this fight was tremendous on Twitter. I was fucking ecstatic. So that's how I felt last night.

I won like, I don't know, won something, $200 on a $25 fucking thing. And guess what? I'm going to lose it all on Sunday in football anyway. So who gives the fuck? Nah, I'm going to hold on to it. The bowl season's coming. So now I'm going to get my fucking money ready

because I'm not good with the bowls. I made two small bets. Fucking Per Dan Florentine on college and I've lost both of them because he liked him. He's the kiss of death when it comes to college, even though I love him to debt. But anyway, I want to talk to you. one last thing and then we'll get the fuck out of it

because in a way these pop cats these podcasts are about you know what's going on the week what's going on with my life some week I give you a story that you probably heard already some week I talk to you about a current event and some week I tell you about how something affected me and I got to be as honest as I can with you on this story you're not going to like this fucking story but I'm going to tell you

it anyway the Jesse Smollett thing was settled this week and Chicago. Between you and I guys, I had forgotten all about it. You know, life has been moving straight ahead. Nobody's worried about fucking Jesse Smolett and his bullshit. So I got to be as honest I can with you guys on this Jesse Smolett thing, because I don't think I told you this. Jesse Smollett was one of the reasons.

The whole Jesse Smollett situation got me thinking. You ever get, you've been in your life and you, you, You don't think. I always talk about the worst thing a man could do is think. You know, it puts you in weird predicaments. You end up talking to better help. That's why, when you fucking think, because it opens up things for you.

I remember when I first heard about the Jesse Smolett thing. I'm sure we cracked jokes on it on the church. And then the on I, when I found out that he had been convicted, I cracked the joke on Twitter from him to grease his asshole. It's post time. That's all great and dandy. But let me tell you something.

A lot of things bothered me about LA. A lot of fucking things bothered me about LA. But if I have to narrow it down to three things that convince me to leave, and you guys aren't going to believe this when I tell you. I'm going to tell you anyway. The number one thing that really raised my eyebrow about something was when I saw a documentary about the yoga dude, the fucking Indian dude that puts the sweat yoga,

what's the whatever the fuck it's called, and he has a little fucking thong and a bunch of white chicks go in there on Walshub Boulevard and he sits there with a microphone all sweaty talking to these poor white chicks and you know let's take the story back to 20 years ago I'm at a barbecue

at a photographer's house the guy that did my headshot sweet out of a guy we're having a good time or outside and all of a sudden some chickas talking to me and my wife and she's telling us how she goes to that yoga I forget the fucking name but I'm sorry Bickram

Bikram yoga and you know I don't know at all I said at one point she goes You don't understand He touches me inside And I just remember how I felt I go look at this poor fucking girl

This poor girl was raised in a great house Her father probably went to work every fucking day The mother finally busted a hump Made chocolate chip cookies for them Two days a week and shit threw away the chips a hoi Worked really hard for this little rotten Bits to come out to L.A.

And find fucking Salas and some fucking dirty, greasy fucking guy that smells like hummus times 10. You know what I'm saying? Like, I mean, I can't deal with this shit at all. And, you know, he smells as bad as hummus, and then you got to fucking put the heat on there,

which really, you ever smell baked hummus? I never have, but I don't want to smell it either. I just know what Lee's neck smells like. And I don't want no fucking sweaty hummus. And Lee don't eat hummus no more, so his neck don't sweat like that no more. Took me fucking eight years to convince him, to eat that hummus.

Thank God. Now fucking Boershead got into the hummus business. I'm going to have to fucking tell them to go fuck themselves. I'm going to have to stick with fucking egg salad from now on like I've been doing.

I love fucking egg salad. Jews in Jersey, they know how to make egg salad. Fucking bagel talk makes an egg salad. Holy shit. Bagel talk off Route 9 makes a fucking red pepper cream cheese.

If you put it on something you think your eyes going to fucking blow up. That's how good that is. But anyway, back to Jesse Smollett in this fucking antics. I'm trying to be funny about it here, but I can't be funny about this. When Jesse Smolett did that, I got to be as honest as I can with you guys. It kind of bothered me. The first thing that bothered me was the Bickram thing. That really bothered me. I have a daughter, guys. I have a daughter. You know what I'm saying? So I don't want, I'm raising it right there in Bikram fucking Ville. with the rest of these weak fucking people that would, you know,

I talked to you about going to Gracie Yoga, but I talk to you how it, I'm not looking to be Johnny Jiu-Jitsu. I'm not looking to go to the 10th planet, Eddie, you know, as a goal because that school requires you to have a goal for your training, which I never had before. I would just go to Jiu-Jitsu. I never really had a goal, a purpose I was training for for my 60th birthday.

I'd like to go to a competition and compete, you know, at the whatever, but that's just a mind fuck. You know how I talk about mind fucks? That's just a mind fuck right there, but it's something that I'm looking at. So I have roughly 15, no, I'm going to be 60 in, I'm going to be 59 in February. So we got February 19th. I got two months there So I got 14 months to train To be ready for fucking

A thing But at least I'm doing that But I'm not looking to be Eddie Bravo I'm not looking to be in this contest I'm not looking to be in the UFC I'm not looking to do a celebrity death match I would get killed anyway You know what I'm saying

Like I'm not looking to do any of that shit It's just for health And fucking uh therapeutic You know talking to people It's getting out there and talking to young guys It's heart health There's so many fucking things I look at it. But everybody that does something in LA, 50% is of their,

why they do it is what's it going to do for me. You guys know that movie, A Fighter or whatever the fuck, about MMA. That director was working out of street sports. When the word got out that that director was at street sports, their fucking program grew by 100 fucking students. Why? Because they want to get close to a director, not because they want to learn jujitsu.

So always see the, the square root of what the fuck is going on here. So when all that shit went down, I'll tell you why it bothered me as much as it did, that Jesse Smolett thing. It bothered me that a guy would fake this. He put, there was as many mis-moving pieces as when I kidnapped Vela.

For him, there was, no, no, he had more moving pieces that when I kidnap Bella. Now any fucking, I didn't know this when I kidnapped Bella, the more moving pieces you have to higher the chances of you getting caught, especially when you involve outside people. In fact, he did the same thing I did with Vela.

He went against my godmother, Hisantaria, wisdom, never do anything with three people. Two could turn on you, always do it with two or four. He just did all these things that were very similar to what I did with Kent Vela. But he did him, I did him for cocaine. I did him to pick up $30,000.

I did it so I could get my dick sucked. I did it so I could be cool. I did it for, and half of these reasons I'm lying to you. The main reason why I kidnapped Bella was because I'm a fucking junkie. And I didn't want to pay for a kilo. I'd rather throw him in the trunk of a car. You know what I'm saying? But that's just me.

I don't want you to fucking throw anybody in the trunk of a car. My point is this guy went through all this shit. All this shit so he could get a raise on his show. And he wouldn't get fired or, you know, it had something to do with show. And then that makes me think of all the desperation there is in L.A. Then it made me think about would I do that? Would I do something like this? For a Netflix special, went to be cool.

And I was walking home from the comedy store and two guys jumped me and one fucked me in the ass. Just so people could feel bad for me, so I'd get hired. I mean, what have happened to hard work? Whatever happened to fucking, you know what I'm saying? So when this went down, it did bother me. Because I already had issues of what was going on. I had issues with the fucking Bikram yoga, as dumb as it sounds.

I know you people are going to go, Joey, how have that affect you? It doesn't. It doesn't affect me at all. But it makes me think if a woman puts that much trust in something like that. I mean, there was tons of them. There was tons of people who got smoked by this guy. Then you got to think of the Harvey Weinstein situation. How disgusting that was.

The agents knew. The actors knew. Ben Affleck knew. Brad Pitt knew. They all knew. But it was like high school. You know what I'm saying? There's some chicks that will suck your dick for a role.

And we all know it. And Harvey used his fucking influence. You suck in Harvey's dick is like you suck in my dick. You're going to have fucking PTSD. somewhere along the line. You know what I'm saying? So I wouldn't do that to sign. It's just that whole, those two things, you know,

and I watched The Exorcist. I'll never forget this. I was just watching The Exorcist one night. I think it was not I ate the mushrooms with those guys, but when Lee wouldn't eat the fucking mushroom, it tastes like shit. Just eat the fucking mushroom. And I went home and I was watching it.

That's the night when I realized that the devil does live in Africa. As dumb as this sounds. but his summer house was L.A. Like something while I was watching The Exorcist, like I was on mushrooms and shit, I was tripping, but for some reason that's where my mind went. I was like, you know what? We all know the devil lives in fucking Africa.

That's official with all the bad shit that happens in Africa. But, you know, with all the mudslides and Harvey Weinsteens and Bill Cosby's and all this shit, was I living in the right place? It was the Jesse Smollett case that pushed me over the top. I was like, this is 50% of the people I have around me. That's a reality. 60% of the people I have around me would sell their grandmother to hang out with Angelie Jolie,

just to go to parties and say, I'm dead serious. It's fucking sad. But as dumb as this sounds, that's the kind of shit I think about. That's the kind of shit that bothers me That my daughter, myself, and my wife are surrounded by people that, by just people that would do something like Jesse Smollett To further their career, you know, people that Would, you know, trick women or women suck his dick to get a movie role

While you're doing that movie role, don't you feel bad? don't you, I don't know. And then what I, then I think about the fucking, you know, you go to yoga to get healthy and all of a sudden you get tripped up by some guy for his own sexual fucking whatever. And this goes on constantly there. But it's all those things that made me honestly look at myself and go, listen, I'm a fucking criminal. I've kidnapped motherfuckers. I've done a lot of bad shit that I'm not fucking proud of.

But I wouldn't do that. Like I wouldn't do that shit. and that's the Jesse Smolett thing honest to God and me coming home and a lot of other things but it was the Jesse Smolett thing that made me go this is what I'm surrounded with I gotta get around some real people

there was the Tom Hanks stories all the pedophiles shit I just had it I just had it I really did and I didn't have it like it's not one of those things this was like in my mind that I was thinking about these are people I'm surrounded with out there It's just what I want from my family.

It's like now, they've been telling you for a fire. I've been sitting here, here, and at the church telling you that one day I went to Burbank, and I just saw something that wasn't right. I had been to Burbank a thousand times, guys. Alberto Crane's Jitza School, fucking Atomic Records, Portos, my friend Damon's the house. You know how many times? Auditions. I was in Burbank fucking, I lived in fucking Studio City.

I was always in Burbank. I knew Burbank left and right. I went to Burbank at night, Flappers. I would go to Burbank and see how it was dead after 9 o'clock. I would see how, you know, one night I left the wallet at Flappers. It fell out of my fucking sweatpants. In the middle of the street, it fell. I went all the way home parked and realized I'd drop my wallet.

I went all the way to Flappers. And as I was making the fucking right turn where Flappers is to park, I saw my wallet there. I had been sitting there for a half hour. We're guys. Nobody hit it. It was 11 o'clock at night. Maybe a little early. I had a flight the next day. That's why I needed my ID. Nobody even touched that fucking wallet. Let me tell you something. When I got home, I noticed my wallet was missing. I got no reason I lie to you guys. I did 90 miles an hour on Magnolia Boulevard. There was nobody on Magnolia Boulevard, not even a fucking cop. So I know Burbank, like the back of my fucking hand. When I went to Portos that day or wherever, I was going in the pandemic and I got out of my car and I saw people jaywalking in Burbank.

I saw people jaywalking in Burbank which to you that doesn't mean to me it doesn't mean anything. I jaywalk all the fucking time but the people I was seen jaywalk in Burbank didn't live there. I'm not saying anything bad about their race

but they didn't live there and they were just walking around and the way the leaves were blowing around I was getting like a cool wind that it was going around me. I just didn't feel good. And I said, you know what? It's time to leave between Jesse, this, that, this, the guy getting hit in the head with a two by four.

And I said it. I said, listen, guys, and it's not going to be good. And then my buddy confirmed it. My FBI agent friend confirmed everything I had said. I didn't know that fucking crime group were going to go out there, different types of crews are going to go out there to rob. You know, not Terry Cruz, Cruz, C-R-E-W-S. I didn't know Cruz were going to go out there to rob.

And guess what? With all the shit you hear, did you see what happened last week? The fucking president of the police union came out and said, look, if you're a tourist, don't come to LA. And I would say the same thing for New York right now. I'm hearing what's going on in New York. It's a touristy time of the year. I know a lot of people cancel shit because on the 27th, your kids got to be fucking vaccine to go into the city.

So that killed New York right there. But if you're a fucking tourist, I don't want you in New York City. This is the second year. We can't go see the tree, the lighting of the tree. It's just not fucking safe. So if I was a tourist, I'd be honestly, I consider fucking Tennessee. I consider fucking Miami. And I wouldn't even, I'm not.

telling you to go there. I'm just saying consider fucking Houston or something like that. And all these places aren't fucking doing well either. So for a cop to tell you that, the guy the president's union for the police, and then the chief of police came out and said,

he doesn't know what he's talking about. Yes, he does. Yes, he does. You can't protect people on Hollywood Boulevard and you can't fucking protect people. But with all this shit, I still talk to people out there that have kids. They're still out there with kids.

Now, again, I'm a felon. I'm a fucking, you know, but it wasn't about me. When all that shit started going down out there, I said to myself, I go, I married a woman, and I had to ask her father for her hand in marriage, and I had to have a lengthy conversation with my mother-in-law

before I married my wife. And I know a lot of you guys that have married, and if you're not married, hear what I'm saying to you. As soon as you say I do, you're responsible for that woman. whether you like or not. I don't care what happens three years down the line. You're responsible for that woman. And that little girl, I'm responsible for it.

So my responsibility in that situation was to get them out of there. If I wanted to stay to advance my career, whatever, you know what I'm saying? Because half those people are sitting there waiting because they're advancing their careers. I would advance my career, but by myself, I'm not going to involve my daughter and my child. I mean, you guys all saw a lady got hit in the head with a fucking, she was walking with a kid with a stroller. That could be your wife, Mike. As soon as I heard stroller,

I was like, that could be any of our wives that have a kid. You know, what they're doing out there is not fucking bueno. And thank God, but all these people will continue to stay there because of their careers, despite what's going on. For me, that's fucking bogus. Now they got to fucking leave.

Now they'll leave because there's mandates out to yin-yang. You know, now they'll fucking, where they're going to go now. Thank God I left when I did So what I wanted to get through to you guys today Was sometimes you don't know what's gonna push you over the top For me it was the Jess and I see everybody's talking about the Jesse Smollett thing And they're not getting to the root of the matter here The thing that affected me the most

I mean yes he lied to the city of Chicago He had a bunch of people Thinking that whatever he got beat up That's all great and dandy And it was a fucking stupid move to do But I'm looking at the type of person that would do something like that. You know, I'm the type of person that tied up a guy and threw him in a trunk of a car.

Again, I did it for the square route to snort coke. Why would he do that? He has everything going. He made a phenomenal salary. He had everything, good-looking kid, Hollywood, home, people in his life, a great show. And then you got to see, you got to look at what else happened from him doing that. One of the number one shows at Fox. There's five more episodes wraps up their fucking suit and leave.

That's got to tell you that that was a toxic fucking workplace. Not that I give a fuck. This isn't about the show or anything. I'm not putting the show down. It was a great show. I watched it for like two seasons. I didn't went somewhere else crazy. I didn't watch anymore.

But the first two seasons weren't bad of that show. But if you notice that also, it just went away. Nothing just goes away when they're making that much money. Food for thought, cock suckers. Thank you very much for watching or listening to the podcast today. I love you, motherfuckers with all my heart. Thank you for having my back. And that's it.

We got maybe six more podcasts left, and it's 2020, cock suckers. I love you guys. Have a great week. Today's the fucking mark that gets you through. I'll see you Wednesday tip-top. Mother fucking Magoo. Now for a word from our sponsors, Jack. All right, I want to thank all.

You savages. Sorry about your finger there, Mike. I almost fucking bang this finger. I want to thank you guys for watching and supporting the podcast. We had a nice little time today talking about that fucking mukiac, Jesse Smollett. But anyway, let's get the party started with Midrow. Listen to me. Betterhelp.com slash Joey slash Diaz, D-I-A-Z.

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Tip Top Magoo. Stay black.