The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #124 | BRIAN REDBAN | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: December 15, 2021

Welcome to The JOINT..... It's Wednesday, December 15th..... Today we caught up with our friend, comic and OG Podcaster, BRIAN REDBAN! https://www.instagram.com/redban https://www.twitter.com/redban https://www.deathsquad.tv/ This episode is brought to you by Stamps.com, Manscaped & CBD Lion….. Go to https://www.Stamps.com Use Promo Code: JOEY for a 4 Week Trial, Free Postage & a Free Digital Scale! Go to https://www.Manscaped.com/JOEY - PROMO CODE: JOEY 20% Off & FREE SHIPPING! Go to https://www.cbdlion.com Use Promo Code: JOEY For 20% OFF Your Order! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #BrianRedban The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Ep. 66 - Cassius Morris - https://youtu.be/Vb2mL_oZswY Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

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Listen, going to the post office this time of the years are fucking stupid. I'm looking at my wife. All she does is call the post office and they come here and pick up the gifts that she sends to Tennessee and whatever. Why would you wait in these long lines with these miserable, stinky people when Stamps.com get her. help you with everything from home. You know how fucking great Stamps.com is? It makes my wife's job a lot easier whether sending gifts, t-shirts, mugs.

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it's a beautiful day to be alive. I'm feeling great, looking great, smelling great, balls are in shape. I put a little manscape fucking reviver on my nutsack. It's nice and fucking smooth. Just getting ready for a goddamn Wednesday. There's not much going on. Like I said, we have a guest today,

but I want to bullshit with you guys real fast. Yesterday, I posted a picture from 1983 on Twitter and on fucking Patreon, not Patreon, but whatever. fuck the one with the eye who gives a fuck Instagram right and it was really funny what happened was I had a meeting Monday

I had a call a conference call with the publishers of the book and they're like hey man we're looking for some fucking pictures and I'm like you know what I didn't think of any pictures because I'm too busy writing the fucking book you know then they tell me the book we're going to hand it all in

March 22nd and I go when is the book going to be out ready to go I was hoping they were saying November like a Thanksgiving Christmas release We could fuck around Maybe do a couple Fucking appearances and shit They're like talking about May

Of 2020 I'm like So why the fuck are you bothering me about Do you have any idea of the cover? Not even close I'm too busy writing a fucking book You know I got ideas for you

But I'm not even thinking about them right now I was just a weird But that's the way it is with these people Like it was seven college women, you know, it was like five women and two guys in the room. And they're like, you know, well, what are you playing? And they're trying to show me how swarmy they are. And I'm like, let's stop this right now because this ain't going to happen every two weeks.

I thought we were going to talk about the fucking chapters. Like you wanted more material on this or something like that. They're talking about a fucking cover. I mean, are you fucking retarded? You know, that's what people in L.A. do. They'll have, well, from my cover, I'm going to do this. Is the book print this shit? No.

Then what the fuck are you worried about the cover for? You're putting a horse before the fucking carriage. You're getting cocked up or the carriage before the horse. I'm not sure what the fuck. But anyway, so I called my niece and I said, listen, because she showed me some pictures one time. My niece had some fucking great pictures. And I go, where'd you get them from? She goes, my mom had them.

Her mom passed away, and then she found them. And what happened was I used to write them letters. I liked, this was my brother Mike and his wife. So, you know, he was. was all I had, so I would write them letters just to keep, I love writing letters. I always loved writing letters, so I would write letters and to keep in touch

them. I was such a mess in fucking New Jersey, when I'd send them those pictures, just to show them that I had grown a little bit, you know, that I wasn't still a fucking mess. And if you look at those pictures, like I posted one in the morning and then I posted another one with me with a

hat on walking in the woods, it's because the caption to it is fucking, you guys thought that I couldn't bury somebody that I don't know how to bury people in the woods. That's my, listen, if you lived in Colorado and your half a hustler, you bumped into people. That's what they do for a living.

They just bury fucking bodies for people. That up there, there's not even enough bodies. You could tie some, remember? Like, some guy put, is that where you used to me, that was Snowmass Village, those pictures? I wasn't even in Boulder yet. They were all bouldery pictures. But when I look at that picture of me standing there

with the white sweatshirt by myself, with the Charles Bronson hat, I see a fucking happy guy. You know, I was thinking about that picture before I put it up. I was looking at it. I'm like, I was probably 20. The picture I posted, the first one of me with the white sweatshirt shirt on, I was probably 20. I was going to school at night, taking classes at Colorado Mountain College.

I was working for an electrician, you know. I was living a simple fucking life. I was making a little bit of money I was just proud to be out there on my own You know I had never seen anywhere But like Florida and fucking L.A This is the first time I was ever like in the mountains or anything And I look at that picture

And I look so fucking happy in those pictures It's just I wish I would have looked at those pictures A little closely before I went back to New York in 84 And I ended up homeless and stuff That's what I was ticking about when I looked at those pictures last night That that was right before that disaster. I put as a joke pre-kidnapping, you know, which is my timeline. Everything's

going to be before the kidnapping and after the kidnapping. These are the pictures before the kidnapping. It's like after Christ died and before Christ died. So we'll put like after K and B-K. So it'll be A-K after the kidnapping and B-K before the fucking kidnapping. But I look at those pictures and I see a fucking happy, you know, I had just had like four. four years of fucking horrible luck. Nothing was working out for me and I bumped into a friend of mine and he's like, hey man, I'm going to Colorado. I didn't know if I was going to stay,

but I just wanted to get out, get the fuck out of here to give my mind the breather. You know, I was telling Mike before that, the breather that we all got during the pandemic was well needed. Like I always find the silver lining and the silver lining to the pandemic I found was my new search for happiness. Like this was all bullshit with the life we were living before the pandemic and that's why so many people quitting their jobs That's why so many people are switching careers

Because a lot of people got to take a break and look around them and see what the fuck was going on with their lives You know what they didn't like and it gives you a chance to fucking clean up or Keep being the fucking the sack of shit that you all like I was you know before I came here And I made adjustments to my life. I feel a lot better. I look a lot better I'm thinking a lot clearer. And that's the most important thing that sometimes with everything going on, you don't get a chance to think clearly. You know, I was the one guy that was always against vacations. I mean, what put me on the map as a stand-up was I didn't take vacations. There was no fucking one day off, no two days off. I worked seven days a week for fucking 20 years. I didn't

give a fuck about Sundays. I didn't give a fuck about Christmas. I didn't give a fuck about the holidays. I didn't give a fuck about anybody. And that attitude was appropriate for the time when I was there doing it. I had nothing. I had no family there. Now it's a different time. I've grown into a family. You know,

I'm having a great time with them. I have a life now. And yeah, you know, I don't know if I'll go back to my old life, but I'm enjoying my new fucking life. I enjoy doing this. I enjoy working out.

I enjoy having peace of mind. I enjoy my Saturdays with my daughter. It's been a real fucking education for me. That's why I know 20-22 is going to be great because I'm launching off a great fucking mindset. You know, your mindset has to be right. You ever talk to people, you go, when was the last time you did acid or whatever?

They'll say, well, I had a bad trip. Guess what? I've never really had a bad trip because the mindset was always there, you know. So always remember that if you're struggling or having a tough time, just disconnect for a few days. There's nothing wrong with it as you learned during the pandemic. Nothing wrong with disconnecting. Unplugged the fucking Twitter.

Unplugged the social media. and just give yourself a chance to fucking think. Nothing wrong with that. It's not a crime. Nobody's going to throw you in jail. You know, the other night I was watching San Francisco against Buffalo. I don't know what night they played.

Sunday night. You know, and I'm like, fuck. Five years ago, I was giving Lee shit for watching a fucking football game. You know,

like, listen, I'm not sitting there all day watching football games, but I'll watch two quarters of a game on Sunday, Jimmy Florentines, then I'll leave it for, go do a bunch of shit. And then I'll go back and watch, like, Monday night, I went over to Jimmy's and watch halftime. I watch football till half time.

I can't sit there and watch a whole fucking game. But you know what? I was thinking about how hypocritical I was. Well, I wasn't watching any games then. I'm watching games now, like how hypocritical I was of watching football games. But I'm not in that search of getting anything anymore. I'm just in a search to be healthy and to give you guys a good podcast every week.

That's it. Those are my responsibilities and to be a father and to be a good husband. I've wrapped it up into four simple things. I got to be there for them and I got to be there for you, motherfuckers. And I enjoy that. I'm ready for you, motherfuckers.

Today we got a guest, one of my best buddies. I love this kid with all my heart. We've had disagreements, but like I said on the Patreon podcast, every, like we've had two or two or two. through disagreements, but our relationship has been stronger from them. And that's how you could tell you have a good friend when you guys have a problem,

because good friends have problems from time to time, and then they resolve it, and that friendship gets stronger. The guy I'm talking about is fucking Red Band. I love him with all my heart. If it wasn't for him, we wouldn't even be doing a podcast. Myself, Joe, all of us are very grateful to him. You know, I've always kept in touch with Red Band since he's been in Austin. And when Lee said that on his podcast, I was like, fuck, I've never thanked Red Man for that.

So I called him up like a man. I'm like, hey, buddy, I just want to thank you for creating this whole fucking thing amongst us. He was the one that got Joe on the podcast. He got Ari to podcast, me to podcast, and I'm very grateful to him. So the respects that he is the original fucking podfather. So however you look at it, I don't give a fuck. Whatever you think of him.

I don't give a fuck. He's my brother. He's a funny dude. And I love him with all my heart. Enjoy Red Band. Okay, one, two. Welcome to the joint. What's happening, my brother?

Looking good. Thanks, buddy. Just woke up. I like your fucking crib. Yeah, I'm actually, I'm not in my regular studio. I'm in my VR studio right now because I don't use Zoom ever. So it's like I have to find a computer that works on Zoom. It happens, my friend.

It fucking happens. How you doing? Good. How to go last night? Oh, it was great, man. It was a lot of fun. A lot of fun last night. That show's gotten out of control.

Really? Yeah. You know, after we spoke last time, I thought about your little operation down there. We were talking about how it's really changed comedy because now, I mean, I heard people are dumping agents. People are starting to dump agents because they're saying, fuck it.

We can book our rooms ourselves. We don't need this aggravation. It's becoming a one-man operation now. And look at you. You don't travel no more, and you're not even interested in traveling. You got your two nights. You got your fire.

I didn't even know that you did your show, and then you went back into the podcast to keep the party alive. That's fucking brilliant. Yeah. I drive home. I drive home, and there's so many fans that want to talk about the show and stuff.

So I come home, And I pretty much do this And I just talk to the fans, do virtual reality with them stuff What time you stay up to with them? Last night I was up to about 3 a.m. I'd say. Holy shit. Yeah.

And it must be fun. You know, it's got to be fucking fun to just bullshit with people till 3 in the morning. I'm fucking sleeping at 12. So I would love to bullshit with somebody, but you're going to bullshit with a fucking guy with a sleep at in your mask on. That's all you guys say.

Well, now more than ever, ever since COVID, I really appreciate being home more. So, like, being home is way better for me. Where, like, when we lived in Los Angeles, it was always like, I can't be home. I have to be at the comedy store. I have to be some, I have to be out. Where now it's like, no, I just want to go home. Brian, how do you feel about the comedy store? You miss it?

I do miss it. And I've thought about going back for like a week or so and just hanging out and stuff. but I don't know. It just, it's, it's so weird there. Living in Austin, it's really opened my eyes to, I don't know, I don't feel like wearing masks every time I go inside a restaurant or a show, you know, being checked for, you know, all this stuff just, it seems like it's not open yet.

It doesn't seem like it's back to normal yet in Los Angeles. So I think I kind of don't want to go now because I'm too scared that I'm just going to be turned off by how different it is. So I don't know. I mean, you myself, you myself, Joe, the comedy store was a big part of our lives. And when us three left, like I thought about us

and how long we had been going down there and what the store meant to us and how much time we put down there, I thought we were going to miss it a lot more. The thing with me was I went down there with my wife and my daughter. And I basically just said goodbye from the building. I touched the building.

I sat on the stairs. I went to all the places where I used to smoke pot out there behind the van and the back, you know, and I said my good by. It's like I'm good with it. I don't know why. I feel a little shitty about it, that I feel good about it. But I don't know how am I supposed to feel, you know? I remember Doug Stano making fun of me and Joe.

Like, you guys will never leave here because you'll never leave the store. And I thought that was true. And it's true because without the store, I can't even do stand. Like the store was my fucking anchor. And then from there, I would develop and go out into the road. Ever since I stopped going to the store, that just took that out of my resume. Like, it was just. So I wanted to see how you were doing with it because you were the captain of the fucking store.

The party started when you got there. Yeah. I mean, now the store, I don't think, is open past 1 a.m. or midnight or something like that. I don't think the hangs there anymore. And that's what I love most about the store is just hanging with all you guys, like hang out in the back and smoking some and, you know, and just seeing everybody around the store. And from what I've been hearing, it's not the same like that anymore.

And that's depressing to me. So I don't know. I don't know if I could deal with that. It was weird because I never, I thought it was such a party when I was partying. Like, that was your last stop. every night like the store was it you know like if you did new years at the improv with joe we'd always end up at the store to fucking drink and jump up and down and you know torture people and the whole thing it's uh it's just mind boggling to me that after 23 years i just walked away from the store

it really bothers me in a way but i've learned to deal with it it's not like i miss it i see the lineups and i know that i don't even know half the people which later lets me know how old I am. Like, I'm looking at... I'm looking at schedules from, like, the place in New York City and, you know, the really good comedy place, the seller, and I'm looking at the store lineups,

and I'm seeing a 50% that I don't even know these people. You know, like, I don't know Taylor Thompson, but I know who she is. These people, I've never even heard of them. So how did they get to the store? Like, in that short of fucking people? period, like a year and a half and they became regulars. I don't even hear of these people.

I've never even seen these fucking people, and I wish them all the luck in the world. I'm not hating on the young generation. I'm happy that people are fucking still doing comedy, and they're in. But I just don't know where half of these comedians came from. It doesn't bother me. I don't give a fuck. I'm just saying that, wow, in a year and a half,

comedy has really passed me to fuck by. And you're the only guy that knew it. You knew it from the beginning. Like, you're like, I don't think you're going to get back on stage. I don't feel it, Red Band. After not going to the store, that was everything to me. There's not even a club around here. There's great clubs.

Uncle Vinny's is great. The stress factory is great. But they don't bring you the satisfaction of the store. Yeah, that's one good thing that I've been very happy about with Austin is that how many places there are to do stand-up comedy. Like where all the clubs are, there's literally 10 clubs all around that you can just go from spot to spot to spot. kind of like what I would imagine New York is. And so many people have moved to Austin from the comedy store and all these comics like Derek Poston, Asan,

Dylan Sullivan, Tony Hinchcliff, you know, there's just all these people. So it kind of feels like the old days of the comedy store, but now it's just in Austin. It's definitely helped the move to Austin because it almost feels normal, just the comedy scene here. And it's just growing and growing, you know, with Rogan opening his club. I can't even imagine how it's going to be in a couple months.

It's a great scene. It really, really is a great scene for young comics, I think, right now. It's really, and when I say young comics, it could be a 40-year-old that just got into comedy. I'm talking about guys that have been doing comedy from five to 10 years. That's the point where there's no fucking direction in comedy. you're not really a feature act yet nobody's hiring you you have the time but you know it's it's really fucked up and it's great to be in a environment of your peer like that was what was great about L.A. for me when I got to L.A. I had Josh Wolfe Ralfi May was with us. You know that crew we were

all young guys at that point you know we all went out to become whatever we became but we were all young guys Brett Ernst you know I was a little old than that crew, Brett Aaron, Steve Byrne, you know, that, that crew. But it's great that I've always said, man, when you have a good foundation of comedy, you're going to springboard to do great things. And that's what's going on in Austin right now. If you're a young comic, I suggest you go to Austin and learn. You're not going to learn at the store anymore.

It's not a school anymore. You need help with that. You know, Mike and I were talking about open mics for musicians. You know, like they don't charge any money. You got to charge $5 so people are committed to it. People won't come. If they see it's something for free, they won't come. If they see $5 or $10, they'll go, okay, I might go because it's worth the fucking party, you know, whatever.

But that's, honest to God, I think that's what I missed from stand-up. What we used to have when it was me, you, Joe, Ari, Duncan on the road. That was fun. Then I started going on the road by myself. Well, all the pressure was on me, and I had another guy helping me, but it was just too. of us. You know, it wasn't, you know, I would sit in my room all day. I'd see the, I'd see the feature act for lunch. Maybe we'd go to something to look at a fucking history, something, you know, hits town or something in Detroit. And then you go back to your room. It's not like when we were

fucking doing it, we would start at 11 in the morning, go to fucking popadoes, eat a meal to one, go shoot guns, come back, fucking go to the pool, swim. So you're a comic all day. So you're a comic all and you're with other comics and you're like-minded and you're talking about the same shit. Then all of a sudden I started going on the road selling tickets and I was by myself. And it sucks, dick. Yeah, yeah.

Those were the days going to Papadoes and everything like that. I went to the Papadoes that we used to go to all the time with Joe and Ari and Duncan all the time. I went there recently. It felt so weird being there. That used to be our go-to place every time we went across from the double tree. Yeah, that double tree, that poor double tree looks like

it needs to be torn down. Really? Well, you got to remember, like, that was 20 years ago. Yeah. That was 20 years ago when that hotel was kicking and shit. The last time, in fact, the club doesn't even, when the club was still open towards the end, they wouldn't even put you in that hotel no more.

They used to put you at a different hotel, and I used to request it. No, put me at the double tree. Well, there's nothing there. What do you mean there's nothing there? I'm walking distance from fucking popadoos. That's all I need. That fucking banana pudding with the vanilla wafers in it,

with the little pieces of banana, the fucking seafood and crab salad. I never finished it. I'm a fat fuck 380, and I can't finish the fucking salad at Papa does. The shrimp were huge. They give you four huge fucking shrimp and lump crab meat with tomatoes,

lettuce, onions. I'd always put blue cheese, you know me. Fuck that Italian vinaigret or lemon vinaigrette. I'm throwing some fucking blue. blue cheese on that bitch. Remember when we used to have the guy that used to give us tons of fucking Vicodins and shit? He would pull up with a truck and he used to

just give his pills. I bumped into him at the show. He's like, you want some pills? I'm like fuck now. I forgot about that guy. Remember he had a truck. This motherfucker had an electrical truck. And you know like the little packages, like the little screws and shit, they were all pills. And then he's like I got weed too, you do? And he would

have drawers of different wheat. He was growing hydroponic fucking weed. It was wet and shit. Nobody believed those fucking crazy road stories where you got in trouble at the strip club in Austin. At the yellow rose. And it's so funny is that the yellow rose is now a sponsor of Kill Tony. The whole like the owners and everything, they come to every single show every Monday.

And it's just like old school family. Just like the old days where like Joe would be doing a show and they would all send like the limo to the show and, you know, all the people. They all come to. It's like it hasn't changed. It's so great. How's the guy with the long hair? That's the guy that brought me to the yellow rose.

He looked like he did 20 years of cocaine straight. He had wrinkles everywhere on his face and long hair. How do they're doing? He's around anymore. No, he's probably good. That guy ODED 10 years ago. That guy was in bad shape. He reminded me that guy that used to sell us the stars of death.

That guy was in bad shape. He only had a few weeks left. When he pulled out of the star, Even Lee was like, why do you make me meet that creepy guy? Because I don't want to meet the fucking guy. You go meet him. Let him breathe on you and shit. But no, those were, we had a great upbringing with Joe.

I'll never forget that. That was one of my best educations. The store was a huge education. And then going out with him on the weekends, getting lost, fucking doing $50 shots at the Brazilian place with the all you could eat. Remember, we did that shot? Fogo the fucker the fuck. Chow and Dallas. I mean, my roots go huge in Texas. Like, I'm surprised I'm not in Texas because I love

fucking everything about Texas. The food, the Mexican food, the fucking way, everything about Texas is fucking tremendous. I just, it was time for me to come home. You know, it was just time for me. I think we were all surprised you didn't come to Texas. Because everybody was. I mean, Texas was your go-to place, you know. Go-to, go-to from El Paso to fucking Houston to Dallas. I love that Addison Improv. I love that Chuck and Jive, the restaurant, the seafood restaurant over there. I loved fucking Houston,

you know that I had deep, deep roots in Houston. Best cocaine in 19, fucking 98 to 2007. They were the king. All I had to do is walking to Houston and somebody would give me a package. I remember somebody gave me a package once at the fucking airport.

That's when you know you're a junkie. When somebody comes up here at the airport and says, here's a package for you. And I opened it up with Pete. Pete was driving me back. I opened it up. There was like a gram of Coke in there. It's two in the afternoon.

I'm like, I can't fucking do this. This is a ruin my goddamn day. First time I went to Houston, first night. This is, how can you not love a city that offers this? It's 1997. I don't have a girlfriend. I go down there to open up for Bobby Slate, and I'm sitting at the bar.

I just bombed. I'm sitting at the bar, and this smoking Colombian girl walks past me with a white dude. And she's like, Don't look that bad. You were great. Don't worry about it. I'm like, I ate a bag of dicks.

He went to the bathroom. She came back. And she's like, ah, where are you from? We started talking. And I said, to you're Colombian. I need a big favor. I know you got a cousin of somebody who sells coke in your fucking family. There's somebody.

Somebody. Your uncle, your father. And she said, how much coke do you want? I go like a grandma blow. And I gave her a yardstick. And she goes, I'll call you in a little while. I had a page of that. She called me.

I go, what do you want me to meet you? She goes, no, no, no, no. I'll bring it back to the hotel. I dumped my date. I'm hanging with you. She came back with the grandma blow. Next thing you know, she had a bikini on at that really good hotel in Houston.

The crazy one with the bar and shit where people would knock on your door and ask you if they wanted a beer. People would knock on your door at that hotel at two in the morning. You'd be like sitting there doing coke going, I wish I had a beer. And you're like, what the fuck?

You open the door, it's like a chick. Hi, I had some extra beers. I don't know if you want to party. No, I'm just sitting here by myself about to jerk off. You just knocked the door, you were my fucking savior. Then the hotel got flooded.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's the hotel. That's where I think Joe met his wife at that hotel, too. That's a fucking great history hotel. They had a Kalachi place down the corner. I don't know how many times I walked to a Kalachi factory.

Or D-Bus, remember that? The Greek place with the melted cheese? Oh, my God. How many times is that old guy used to yell at people? He fucking used to just throw a man. you make you tell me when you want something and then they would come back i remember went there one night we got a bunch of greek food i was farting for like a week i had diarrhea they gave us like

a cheesy fucking thing with oh my god that was that was people would not believe the times we had in texas with rogan from austin i remember another time i was at that old club this had to be 98 and i'm in the corner there watching joe or somebody and some girl starts talking to me and she She's like, look at my pussy. Look at the hair. What I did for the design. I'm like, I need this in my life. Next thing you know, I'm fingering her.

I'm about to go on stage. I go on stage 10 minutes later. I'm on the stage and I can smell her little pussy on my finger. Every time I talk to the stage, every time I talk to the audience on mic. Dog, and I used to bomb in Austin. Bomb. The biggest bombings I had were in fucking Austin, dog. Because they were like straight-laced and shit,

compared to like Houston and Dallas that Buck Wild but Austin they were nice tight white people they would hate me and then I would take them for a psychological ride and shit and they would enjoy me but it was rough but I love that so that club is closed

you're talking about Cap City Cap City is closed and they're about to reopen a new location but it's not the it's not the old owners I think they're just reusing the name so it's not going to be the same people that used to own Cap City but there are there are yeah capacity is opening up a new location and it should be open any day now

i think about you every night and then yesterday we spoke on the phone we agreed to do the podcast and not 10 minutes after that i get a fucking thing on facebook an old picture you and me with a podcast podcats oh yeah podcast we got to bring that back long distance podcats podcast i remember the song Cats, cats, cats, cats, cats. Kitty litter. Yeah, we just talked about cats and kitty litter and stuff. Now I don't have any, I haven't had cats in a couple, a couple of years. Do you have any cats left?

I'm down to three. Three cats? And then there was three. Fuck. In fact, Friday, when is the 17th, Friday? Friday is the anniversary of Superbad. He's been dead for two years, my little fucking cat of love. I'm down to three cats.

two chubby ones, super bad sisters. They're about ready to go. My wife told me that kidneys are gone. They're peeing weird and shit. Oh, no. The one of them takes the shit. The whole basement fucking smells like a dead horse. I got to take it outside and throw the neighbor's yard.

Every time he shits in my thing, I take a paper towel. I take that shit out of here. It's like a little thing. It's like a grenade of debt. It just smells like bodies and puke and shit all rolled up into one fucking piece of shit. I threw it in the neighbor's yard. I saw him like a week later looking at it. Like what the fuck?

Because it stinks like death out there. Then it shrinks up and it gets all conglomulated. But you have to cut it to get the stink back. You know what I'm just kidding? You break that piece of shit and a half and the stink is back, Jack. Yeah, that's one thing I don't miss. I don't miss litter boxes, you know, and dealing with all that. I've had litter boxes my whole life having cats.

And now I don't have that anymore. So it's so nice not having that. Doug, I don't. clean litter boxes at the end of the month. My wife is leaving, so I'm home all alone, and I was dreading fucking clean little boxes. And then our friend Joe Rogan called me, he's like, you want to do a podcast on those dates? So I got a girl to come in to fucking clean the fucking thing. Thank God, I hate cleaning it, but I do, and you have to do it in the morning.

That's what sucks. You have to wake up in the morning, and you're not even awake yet, and you got to scrape up this shit, and it smells fucking horrible. And then you got to, I'm one of those people. I don't like, you know, you ever see those people when they walk their dogs? They got to walk down the block with a little bag of shit. Listen to me, I'd rather get raped in a prison

by 10 big black dudes that destroy my asshole than fucking walk around. You would never see me walk around with a bag, with a piece of shit. That's why I don't get a dog because I want to be good to my society, but if I have a dog, I'm not picking up dog shit. That's where it's supposed to go.

I'll take him to a field when nobody walks and he could shit up there, but I'm not picking up dog shit walking down the block. The best is one of those people stopped to talk to you. There's a lady who stops it. How are you?

I'm good. A lot better than you. I'm not, I'll have shit in my hand. Go home, drop the shit off, then come back, and I'll talk to you all you want. I'll give you the history of Cuba. I'll give you what the fuck you want. I'll give you the history of my nutsack,

how bad it's looking. My fungi toenail. Yeah, I'm not, and it sucks, though, because we have two dogs and at least they're, they're small dogs. So they're very small poops. And we used to live, when we lived in Burbank, one time we forgot to get the bring the bags. You know, so we're like walking and it's like shit. And I'm like looking around for a leaf or something, you know, or something. And we didn't have anything to do.

So we're like, all right, I guess no one's solid. No, no crime, you know. literally the next day on that app next door you know that appwards the whole neighborhood literally there's video of us not picking up her shit and like 30 people bitching about us not cleaning up the poop you can't get away with anything now because everyone has cameras on their doors and crap like that so that was embarrassing listen i don't mind making the news for saying something about somebody but if i made the news for my dog not picking for me not picking up my dog shit.

It wouldn't bother me whatsoever what people had to say. You don't see me picking up dog shit guy. That's all you need to fucking, you know. I don't want to pick up dog shit. My daughter keeps bugging me for a dog, and I'm like, you're in no fucking danger. I go, you want a dog, wait till you move out, but I can't have a dog right now

because I'm going to end up fucking walking the guy picking up his shit, and that's not going to fucking happen. I don't want to pick up dog shit in the yard. Not yet. I'm not ready for that. I'm not old enough. Well, if you do get a dog, don't get a big dog, because that's big poop. know, like my shitsis are smaller than a cat. So when they poop, it's like, ah, who cares?

But what's a fucking small dog going to do for you? What I want to do? Put them in my purse. What I do? Put them in my fucking back pocket. I don't like fucking small dogs. I want a dog that, listen, I don't want a violent dog, but I want a dog that could hold his own.

Like if a dude breaks in, the dog will bite him in the leg or something. I don't want to fucking, you know. And that's what I'm scared of. Like, my daughter doesn't really like dogs. She likes dogs, but she's scared of big dogs. but I showed her what a German Shepherd looks like and she's like I can live with that so if she lets me get the German Shepherd

I want one of those Nazi ones that hates everybody Jews, Spanish people, black people I don't give a fuck I want a dog that just hates everybody just war I'm going to get a female German Shepherd and not spare not new to her so she gets horny

you gotta lock her up and she bleeds once a month once a month you wake up and you got 10 million little red spots around your fucking house because she's dripping that fucking monkey juice from a dog on the carpet. It's a fucking nightmare. My mom had a dog that wasn't new to the German Shepherd female. She was fucking gorgeous,

and that's why you don't neuter them. They're fucking gorgeous, and they act different. Like, you couldn't get next to my mom's purse. She would fucking bite your head off this dog. I could never clip a doll out of mom's purse and shit because of this dog. But the dog didn't bite constantly. It just bit, you know, when she was at the bar,

and then we got rid of it. The dog bit me in the face, and that was the end of that fucking dog. My mom got rid of that. Fuck that. Yeah, I like Joe has a cool dog, that golden retriever.

I've always wanted a golden retriever. That's what I'm going to get a chocolate retriever for my dog. They're harmless, they're fun, they run with you. I wonder what happened to his other fucking monster of a dog. Yeah, I've never asked. I think he probably just left him.

Yeah, that dog was too fucking big. He started biting him and shit. He started eating the eggs. Joe is pissed When the fucking wolves Will eat his eggs and shit When he had the chicken coop And they would eat the eggs

I called him one day He's like listen man I can't talk to you right now The fucking wolves got into the chicken coop And I got to beat chickens and shit That was the funniest conversation I had with him that day I talked to him this morning

So yeah I'll be in Austin In like two motherfucking weeks Jack Oh fuck yeah That's awesome Maybe three weeks And then we're doing Burt Kreischer 500 episode podcast.

Where the fuck you go in, Coxuck, I'm talking to you. He's got to get his reefer. He just did a bong hit. He's still hung over. Fuck it, the hair of the dog. I've always loved Red Band, because Red Band has never fucked around. Red Bank gets fucked up, Jack.

Red Bank gets fucked up early. I don't know my... What do you look at that? What the fuck are you looking at on that screen? You haven't looked at it. me the whole time. You haven't seen how beautiful I looked. I know my fan turned on, so I had to turn

my fan off. Through the computer? Huh? No, I just... When I came back, like, something happened with the computer. But I still remember I got in trouble with Joe that night after the fucking yellow rose. He called me the next one. He's like, you get brand Bangkok. I'm like, no.

Yes, you did. You're lying. Yeah, that was so stupid of me. I was in the In the bathroom stall, remember that? Yeah, but that's not stupid. That's where you did 90% of your cocaine. Like right now, people are getting pissed off because, I don't want my kid to walk into a bathroom

and there's a guy with a skirt. Let me tell you something. I didn't walk coke in a female bathroom than anywhere else in my life. Whether it was the belly room, the belly room had a female woman's bathroom. Have you gone in there right there in that belly room? That's the best bathroom in the fucking country,

to snort Coke. They got a little table there. You could snort a line of Coke, then pick her up, put her on the thing, and eat her fucking monkey. It's one-stop shopping in that. The same, you know. That's where you're supposed to snort Coke. I remember one time I was snorting Coke in New York. Well, not me.

I gave it to a friend of mine I was with. She went in the bathroom. She came out. She was like, they got mad at me. I was snorting coke in them. I'm like, it was 1999. In 1985, you could snort a kilo in there, but in 93 they were drinking water in New York. So it wasn't cool to do.

I don't understand it. I did 90% of my coke. I did in the bathroom stalk. Yeah. That was embarrassing getting caught, though. The guy's, like, banging on the door. Like, hey, get out. You can't do that in here.

Blah, blah, blah, blah. And you're like, shut the fuck up. This is a ball. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing shit. Do you remember when the dude caught me at the fucking, that bar where Jay Davis used to do comedy? Like, that was the biggest shock in my life.

I'm down there doing Coke with a girl, and he opens up the freeze, He's like, hey, what are you doing? I'm doing coke. Close the freezer door. Why are you cockblocking? And he's like, no, I've contacted the police. You can't do that here.

I'm like, dog, you didn't know about that, Redmond? No. That motherfucker called the cops on me. He was a little Indian Hindu dude. He was in charge of security. And what was the name of that bar? Did you ever get to go there across from, uh, it's across from the pink taco now? Yeah, that was a fucking, dog.

And from 90, from 90. to 2005 or six, that place was amazing. They didn't like me. They went to Dane Cook. Some Irish name, right? Yeah, so I only went down there once, two, three times,

and then I got banned for that situation. You know, I met a girl on the stairs. It was fucking mob. We went to the freezer of the Duke. The Hindu came in. He's like, what the fuck are you doing? And I was like, close the door.

We're doing blow. I don't want other people to see it. If you're in, come in. If you don't want them, then close the fucking door. and he goes, no, I called the cops. I'm like, what do you mean to call the cops? So him and three other bounces came and took me.

They didn't handcuff me or nothing. They took me and the girl outside, and they called the cops. I had the eight ball in my sock. I'm like, I'm not giving this up. This is a first-time eight-ball. And next thing you know, fucking, they're like, the cops are coming, and I look up and I see Ralphie Mae because across the street at that Japanese place,

Tuesday nights was all you could eat. Sushi. So if you went there and did comedy, they give you all the sushi you wanted. Fucking, that's when Britney Spears was going down there and Whitney Houston with Bobby Brown. They were singing, fucking I will always love you. I never went in there.

I don't know anything about that place. But Ralphie came, and I go, Ralphie. He goes, I'm doing a showcase for CBS player. I'm like, what the fuck do you mean? He goes, what are you doing out of here? I go, these motherfucker calls the cops on me. You got to get me out of it. He's like, what do I do?

I go, take that fucking car, turn it around, and I'll jump in it before the cops even see. the cops weren't there yet. The girl was crying. Then Joe and Willie Bar Senter came out. Joe gave me $100 and said, call me when you get to the police station. I got a baseball in my sock.

Joe's like, you have cash? I go, no, he gave me a $100 bill. He goes, call me when you get to the police station. I'll bail you out. And Joe went inside, and Ralphie made a U-turn. I got in the fucking call with Ralphie. And I was home by 8.30. I had an $8, $100 bill, and I did a spot.

All by 8.30. I was ready to fucking go. like a week later I find that I've been banned from the place. Oh no. Dublin and it was me and the Holstman were banned. Ask Holstman what he did. I think Holstman told somebody to go fuck himself in there. Now was Holstmann still in Austin?

No, it was very weird. Holtson, you know, he came to Austin, he still had this place in L.A., you know, and then he was out here for almost a year and then one day he just kind of didn't tell anybody

and drove back like a couple weeks ago. He just drove back and like I was doing a podcast with him. He didn't say anything to me. So I don't know if something happened. Maybe something happened back in L.A. or what? It's just very mysterious. And I haven't called him yet or anything. I'm just kind of more in shock. So I don't know if he's gone for good or if he's just going back for the holidays or something. I have no idea. Where's he living? Well, he's had he's had a trailer. He lives has a trailer home in L.A. that he's had for like ever. And you know, he has a girlfriend and all that. And so when he moved to Austin,

I was really surprised that he kept that trailer and he came out by himself. I was like, all right. So is he just living in, you know, two different places at the same time? I don't know. It's all very, very interesting. He never, he never really, he's a very personal or a private person, I guess, and he never really opens up and tells everyone what, what's going on. Very mysterious. He probably has three different whites, you know, so. He's a good dude. He's so funny. Austin loved him, too.

Like, every, I believe it? Yeah, all the young comics, like, looked up to him. He was getting, you know, in L.A., he was, what, getting up once or twice, maybe at the comedy store, you know? Out here, he was getting up every night, three times a night, headlining everywhere. And it's awesome to see, Holtzman, you get that much love. So I was surprised when, when I saw him that he might be,

moving back to LA. Yeah, I'd just been seeing some pictures of him and they're always at the comedy. I'm like, what did he do? You know what, man? He was quiet for a long time. Very funny. And then the documentary

gave him a little light. And I got to be honest, I was fucking happy as fuck. And so were a lot of other people. Holtsman's loved, you know, Holstmann, we all sat back going, when is Holstman going to blow the fuck up. Holtzman was a perfect candidate to have his show. I mean, for years, they were looking for

an Archie Bunker. Fox was, CBS was, and I remember going to a meeting once, and I said, I think you guys should bring in Brian Holtzman. They didn't know who he was. You know, like, if you're name being on the fucking thing, every other couple nights, I don't know who you are. So when I saw he moved to Austin and everybody had embraced him, I got to be honest with you. I was happy. and I thought that he was on his way. So whatever he decides to do, I wish him luck. He's a fucking funny guy.

You know, he's one of those guys that if he went on the road, it would be a 50-50 every night. He would either bomb hard or fucking take you to the next level, you know, with his improvised and his little material and the way he presents it.

So I wish him all luck in the world, man. Hey, comedy's fucking hard. And people, in my 30 years, 29 years in comedy, people came and went, you know. we're really happy that we stuck with it. I mean, how long have you been doing it for a night? You've been involved with us for 20 fucking years.

Yeah, it's been a lot. So you've seen how hard it is. You've seen people come and go. You saw a bunch of motherfuckers come and go. You know, you started a bunch of podcasts with people, and people just took off and whatever. So people are going to be people. You can help them for as long as you want,

but you have to keep doing what you do every fucking day, you know. And that's basically it. I can't wait to come down and see you, Cogsuck. It's going to be great. Yes, we got a lot of eating to do. Really? Yeah. There's one thing that I did not realize is how much good food is out here in Austin.

I've always thought, yeah, barbecue, of course. You know, Texas has great barbecue. But maybe the best sushi I've ever had is out here. Like, just amazing restaurants out here, everywhere you go. some of the best deep dish pizza. I just found a new deep dish pizza by my house that is all these guys from Italy. And they have like this little place and they just make these amazing deep dish pizzas. It's crazy.

And all this is in Austin? Yeah. Our friend owns this place called the sushi bar. And it's probably the best sushi you will ever have. Really? You got to tell, we'll tell Joe to try to get reservations. But it literally is like a 15. 16 piece meal.

They'll make it all in front of you, and then they'll put down like a single plate in front of you and you eat it, and you're like, what? And then the next one, they'll put another one down. And you just tell them when you want to stop because they'll go for the whole entire night and just make all these insane things. There's this one sushi that they drip bone marrow

on the top of it when it's, and then give it to you. It's so crazy. I love all that craziness, dog. I love it. You miss Burbank at all. I mean, you had a nice little. And you know,

I did, but then Burbank got really shady near the end. Because I moved out here and then I had to go back for like a week just to close out and clean my old house out and give the keys back to the person. And, you know, when I first landed and I started, I picked up my rental car, I was like, oh man, this is sad. I, you know, I've lived here for 15 years. It's so sad to, you know, be back. Then within like 24 hours, there was like a guy in my backyard, like doing meth.

and there was a tent down the street and there was somebody getting robbed. Like, it was just, it was just not. That's, when I lived in Burbank, there was no crime. There was nothing. And then COVID hit. It was a totally different monster. It was every day people's cars getting broken into

and my mail being stolen off my front porch and just shady people in your, in your driveway. You're like, what the fuck is this? It's really fucking sad what happened there. Now, I understood North. I said it the other day on a podcast or my own podcast. It was really sad what was going on, and I knew something was changing.

But listen, you know I was in Burbank every day, either for Alberto Crane, my friend Damon. I was always in Burbank for Flappers. I still remember doing 100 on Magnolia when I found out my wallet was lost, and I drove back at midnight, and I made that right where flappers is, and right by where that fucking bar is

in the middle of the street where everybody goes to, my wallet was right there on the street. Folded on the street in the middle. I had walked across the street and it fell on my sweatpants. Wow. And when I went back and found that wall, I'm like Burbank is the safest place on the earth. And what people don't know is that Disney pays security

to watch Burbank and Burbank is very wired. Like there's hidden cameras everywhere because Disney wants to protect their investment. I never thought it would be bad in Burbank. And I've seen what was happening in Sherman Oaks and in North Hollywood. And then one day I drove to Portos, you know, during the pandemic before I left,

I might as well say, eat some Cuban fucking potatoes and shit, dog. When I got out of that car, I saw people jaywalking. And nobody jaywalks in Burbank, okay? They go to those two corners right there by porthos. And when I saw him jaywalking, And there were people that wouldn't be in Burbank. You know who lives in Burbank.

And you know who doesn't live in Burbank. Okay, Burbank is musty and fucking, you know. But when they walked, when they got to the other side, I saw like a breeze come in and the Lebes. And I'm like, that's a weird wind. Like, that's a weird wind. And these guys, I guess Burbank is done with. And I'm going to tell you something to help you rest.

I spoke to Damon last week. I called him to check up on him. You know what he said to me? It's funny you called. He goes, today for the first time my life, I thought about buying a gun. Wow. He goes, people are walking into people's houses in Burbank. Yeah.

And just take the shit. That lady got killed. That lady got killed. Yeah. So it's really a shame. I'm happy that we're out of there. I feel bad for the people who are sitting there to advance their fucking careers. You know, if you're single right now, yeah, I would be in Burbank.

or in L.A. But with my wife or your girlfriend who's a sweetheart, I wouldn't take a chance because we've got to answer for them. You know, there are wives, there are girlfriends, we've got an answer for them. So I wouldn't be in fucking L.A. So looking at that,

I mean, they're doing fucking, what do you call that, house invasions. House invasions. They're following you home from Burb, Melrose and shit. The Los Angeles,

the sheriff of the LAPD recently put out a a thing saying that he's right now not recommending anyone visiting Los Angeles. He can't protect them. He says it's like the purge. And I'll tell you, I'm surprised that New York hasn't come out and said that because their tourists are built.

People come from all over the world to see that Christmas light to ice gate, you know, to see Disney on ice, whatever the fuck they do in New York. I don't want to go to New York at all. I moved here. I go to the light every year to see the Christmas Street, but the last two years I haven't gone over there.

I don't go over there for comedy. I don't go over there. You pay me to shoot, I'll go over there. Unless you pay me. Fuck you pay me. I'm not going over there. So that's where I stand, G. Money.

But I'm happy you took the time today, Red Man. I just wanted to see you. I miss you. You're my brother. Like I tell people all the time, when I died, there's only going to be one motherfucker that cries. And that's Red Man.

Because you're the only motherfucker who love me. So I'm happy you took the time today. I'm excited about being going down there. Too bad you didn't make out. contact with me you must be high on powders or something what make eye contact with me cox my camera's over here see my camera's here and my screen is down here you look like me when i was doing coke i wouldn't make eye contact with nobody i always be looking at the bird over there on the shelf but there was no fucking bird you look good brother if i look at the camera then i'm then i

can't see you you're down here the camera's up here all right well whatever you want to look I love you, Red Band. I'm happy you took the time today, brother. Thank you very much. I know you're hung over, and I want to congratulate you on what you're doing down there, and I'll be at the Vulcan on a Monday night to torture you a little bit. Fuck, yeah, right?

So stay black, all right. Say hello to everybody for me. Tell Tony to clean this fucking cowboy hat. Uncle Joey's coming down here. He doesn't think I saw those pictures with him trying to be fucking John Cougar Mellencamp. That's his new look, man. He has more accessories.

Oh my God, he's got shirts and buttons. He's chewing a toothpick now. His name is Bubba. I love you, brother. Merry Christmas, you and your family. Are you going to Columbus at all? Probably, well, I'm booking. I just booked the Funny Bones.

I'm going to be there in a couple months, probably. I just got to pick a date. But I'm very doing a little tour. So probably in the spring. All right. Stay black. All right. Thank you.

See in a few weeks. Love you. Love you. All right, you bad motherfuckers. I hope you enjoyed Red Band. I hope you enjoyed me today. We had a great fucking little te-tatte. Like I said, I'm going to be in Austin in a few weeks.

I'm doing Joe's podcast for all you motherfuckers that keep telling me, I had a dream. You on Joe's podcast? It's not a dream no more. It's a fucking reality. We'll go talk about the last year and what's going up for the future. And that's it and that's that. I love you, motherfuckers, with all my goddamn heart.

I'm happy you're still supporting, and I love you for it. Thank you very much for having my back. the Joey Diaz fucking project will be up Friday on Patreon and we'll be back Monday morning Tip Top Magoo I love your cock suckers

with all my heart and now for a word from my motherfucking sponsors All right I want to thank Red Band but most importantly I want to thank you

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With the perfect package, they're going to throw on the crop preserver and the crop revival toner. Plus, Manscapes anti-shafing boxes and a beautiful leather travel bag with an inside zipper. You can hide whatever you want, but you didn't hear it here. And now you can pair that with the Manscapes' new body wash with aloe vera and sea salt. Just in time for the holidays. is they got two and one shampoo and a conditioner. This whole package works from your head to your fucking stinky balls. That's why they call it the perfect fucking package.

Your balls are going to shine so fucking much. Fucking Rudolph is going to be embarrassed. So do me a favor. Right now, get 20% off. This is a perfect Christmas gift. 20% off from free worldwide shipping at manscape.com slash Joey. Again, that's 20% off and free worldwide shipping. and manscape.com

slash Joey. Be the ballziest ballgiver out there this year with Manscape. I want to thank Manscape. I want to thank Stamps.com. I want to thank CBD Lion. On it.

I want to thank Miundis and Better Help Therapy Online Therapy that fucking great companies to be with. I love you guys. I'll see you Monday morning. Tip Top McGool ready to stab

three motherfuckers. Stay black. Well, this is a magic fucking candle love you