The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #125 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: December 20, 2021

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beautiful house. It's Christmas, motherfuckers, and it's New Year's Eve. You want to start the year off like a fucking savage. Start with honor it. Get that alpha brain. You'll thank me later, cocksuckers. And now without further ado, let's get this podcast started. It's Monday the 20th of December. If you ain't tip-top, Magoo, go back to bed. Why waste people's time? Let's get this motherfucker started. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here for another episode of the joint. It's Monday to 20th. We're almost out of this fucking rotten year. You know, some guy was telling me today, I'd CVS,

he goes, you know you're going to have a bad year when you're in the hospital January 1st. And I was like, you know what? I was in the hospital January 4th to the fucking 5th. So I started the year off with fucking needles and IVs and, you know. Then when you get the knee surgery, you're all fucking doped up in bed.

They come get you and they go, listen, we've got to teach you how to walk in and out of a car. Did I need that in my fucking life? January 4th. I couldn't walk. Blood was coming out of my fucking knee. Then I got home and I'm, my wife is upstairs and I'm like, I need to get fucking high. I forgot to tell you guys about this. And I fucking went out in the garage at two in the morning with a pipe and I felt. I just killed over on my knee and I'm down on the floor yelling for my fucking wife. She didn't hear me for a half hours in that garage, freezing my ass off, yelling upstairs. She came down. It's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? So that's how I started off the fucking year. And then the pain pills took me to fucking Egypt. Those things are the worst things that they ever gave anybody. They put me into a fucking depression mixed with the fucking Xanax. I was taking for the anxiety.

I was fucked up, guys, and it just happens. You know, I've been writing this book for the last fucking year. And what I've come up with from this book, we're on chapter. We just quit cocaine. And we're about to go into 2008 and all that stuff. And it's weird that what I've learned about myself from this fucking book is that I started over 18,000 times in my life. Like I had to start over all the time. I am the king of fucking starting over.

That's like a fucking gift that I didn't even know I had. I read the chapters like a week ago and I'm like, it's the same story over and over of your life of me doing something, going for a year or two, and then crashing and fucking up. It takes another year to get back on your feet six months. But it's a plan. It's a fucking plan. And if you stick to the plan, you cannot lose. You know, somebody said to me that I got an email from a parent. A fucking parent sent me a Twitter fucking email.

Their son had to go to rehab. You know, and he contacted me about a year ago. And he said he was honest with me. He said he didn't really like my comedy. But that he liked. he liked what my stance was and what I had done. He goes, you know, I used to, one thing I missed from the road, I swear to God, the thing that bothers me the most about not going on the road is talking to you guys, the podcast people.

And it would be fucking great because I'd be taking a picture with you. And they'd be all smiles, they'd be happy to see me, whoever was there, the girlfriend taking a picture of the boyfriend with me. and while we were taking the picture, he would kind of whisper. Everybody did that to me. And they would say, hey, man, we're having a good time and shit, but you help me get off fucking this.

You help me get off that. I listened to what you said, you know, and it's crazy, you know, but it worked for me, you know. Like, I don't expect people, I didn't expect people to fucking quit smoking cigarettes by getting an eight ball and just sitting there fucking getting tortured by themselves. That was my method, because I like torture myself.

but, you know, they just reached out to me and they said, you have a gift of setting people and like a weird, like a, like they listen to you. They pay attention to you, but the problem with this kid was, his ghosts were just too strong. Like he just lost it. They had to put him in like a two-year fucking rehab for pills and heroin, the whole thing.

So that's why she reached out to me to just say I wouldn't be hearing from him for a while. She gave me an address where his rehab was in Indiana. they sent them to some shit and I'm going to write him a fucking letter in there just for Christmas it's just a nice thing to do over the holidays write somebody a letter that's in rehab fucking thinking his world is about the end and he doesn't know his world's

about to fucking start like that's what people don't really understand especially with drugs like you sit there and you're like when am I going to get off these things how much longer am I going to do this for and you're like you know what I'm not even going to quit because I can't even imagine

being without that stuff Let me tell you something When I always said that to myself Like when I say that to myself That's a motivating sentence for a guy like me Like I'm like You know what man It's time I fucking clean up this drug

And I've done that Listen I did it with the fucking Valium in 91 I did it with the fucking Coke I did it with the fucking refo When I went to prison You know you have to stop You have to just stop But in the back of your mind

You're like I can never do that And that's the same thing about life I don't know what that correlation is that we think of something like stand-up. I remember being in 1993 and being in my little fucking rocky apartment in Boulder with fucking fat tire

and I had a lettuce in my refrigerator, you know, being broke and watching guys like Bill Hicks, watching all these fucking comics and going like to myself. Like even though all day I've been pumping myself up to myself, just going, I don't know why you're doing this.

You're never going to fucking do anything with your life. I got so sick of hearing that from myself. That those, when I would put myself down, I would motivate myself. It would motivate me to fucking go, you know what? That's a shitty sentence to say to yourself that I can never, I don't think I could ever fucking accomplish that. That is the shittiest thing you could say to yourself because either you go to sleep when you say that to yourself

or usually thinking about that at night when you had a bad day, you're like maybe I just go to sleep whatever or you fucking go you know what look what I just said that's my mindset I got to switch my fucking mindset that's what it is half the fucking time hey listen I was lost in March guys I was lost I know I did the podcast I know it was a it was a rough podcast listened to it I knew those days were were hard and I thank you for staying or I thank you for leaving I would have left myself but I'm happy that it happened to show you guys that I could fucking, I could get out of any fucking dilemma.

Just give me a day to think about how I could get a dilemma and I'm the king of that shit. I'm like a fixer in my own fucking head. In March, when I found out, you know, I didn't know what was going on. I just knew I didn't feel fucking good. I knew I'd been to the hospital a couple times and I knew something was going on with my body. So I never cop to the, I didn't think it was the Zadix. I never thought it could be the fucking Xanax. I didn't know what was giving me anxiety.

So right away, I thought I had a mental health issue. That sucks when you sit there and go, I got a mental health issue. That sucks because for years you've been calling people retards and fucking stupid fuck. And now you got a mental health. You know how hard it was for me to come clean with that to you guys? Really hard. But I didn't give a fuck. I didn't give a fuck at all because I wanted you to, I wanted it.

seat you guys watch me come back it was interesting to even watch me come back i journaled it you know i fucking i weighed myself i check my pulse every fucking day my oxygen levels i mean i was on a row i was experimenting you know you go on these fucking uh websites to help you with the benzo shit and they fucking tell you what to take let me tell you some all the shit they tell you to take sparks up that feeling of your heart beating and all that stuff and I'd be great till about 1 o'clock I started taking the only thing that helped me the truth calm myself down

was on its product new mood that slowed me down at night I just finished the fucking bottle and put another one out there safe and calm calm and calm support calm support are these fucking tablets that got everything on them gabber

the whole fucking thing They jolt you up a little bit, but then they come back and calm me the fuck down, and it replenishes your GABA. That's what was wrong. I read up on it when you fucking take those pills, they don't let the GABA receptors fucking send signals. So who the fuck knows? The brain is a fucking monster of a fucking machine. And it doesn't send signals or whatever, and that's why it shocked my central nervous system. When I heard it shocked my central nervous system, there's only one thing that brings your central nervous system back quick.

Dead squats, dead lifts. Dead lifts. I was doing dead lifts like a motherfucker. Two days a week, two and a quarter, two-fifty. I would start with low reps and then hepp them up. And I'll tell you, I would do those things and I could feel myself getting zapped. When I would put the fucking weight down, I would walk around, I'd see little fucking spots in the air. I swear to God, it was like I got knocked out.

But I didn't give a fuck. I kept going on there because I read those things, those Benzo websites and those Benzo fucking where everybody talks. And I got to be honest with you. Everybody has a different struggle. It hits everybody differently. But although the one thing I saw that was consistent with these fucking people, were that they had a hard time waking up.

You know, I read, everybody said it was hard to get out of bed. It was hard to walk. It was hard to. I was like, fuck that. I'm getting the fuck up. I got up right from the bed straight into the shower. I take my little Avon pad, wipe all the fucking Spanish grease off my face and off my neck. I don't like people's neck.

I'm a big problem with fucking necks. That's what the main stink comes out. That's why I always fucking, I got these little Avon pads. My sister gives me, she's like a big shot for Avon. And these are my Lisa, she's fucking great. She's got these little pads. The best ones I've ever used. Look at my skin.

Look at my face. I got no fucking dirt on there. There's no more zits. I got a zit over here. And I got a little zit down here from fucking shaving. Look at this little third eye over here. But I fucking put my little thing. I jump in the shower.

I brush my teeth. A little listerine. and I would fucking eat breakfast. They said, you don't feel like eating. And the first thing I would do was walk around the neighborhood just to get my heart going. And then I would walk down to the fucking gym. The gym's like a block from me. So I would walk to the gym just to get the fucking wilderness.

I had my own rehab. Did you know that? I prepared my own rehab this summer. Like I didn't go up north. I didn't do shit every day. My job every day was to get healthy and get through this fucking thing. And I was not going to sit in the fucking house like an idiot sitting here feeling sorry for my So that's why I went to the pool.

Remember I talked about the pool all the time? I would go to the pool. And the first thing I'd do with the pool is take off my socks. And with my fungi toenail, I fucking both feet are all fungied up. Oh my God. I got to do something about the fungi on my toenail. The tea tree is working. That's another thing I did this year.

I started tea tree therapy January 1st. Every day when you get out of the shower, you rub tea tree all on your fucking toes. And you try to fucking keep your nails clean and you chop them so you can put the tea tree all under the nail so eliminates all that fucking fungus. Trust me, I don't like getting rid of that fungus. That fungus is one of my hobbies. I have a little toe on my left. I'm my right foot.

That the nail looks like it's connected to the fucking toe, right? It's disgusting. It looks like one big piece, but it's filled with fungi. So every week, like one night a week when I get nice and high at night, I get the fucking nail clip and I cut in that motherfucker. And let me tell you something, every time you cut the nail, smoke comes out of it. It's tremendous.

When I cut it, it just goes, poof. A little bit of smoke comes out And then I get the grind And I go in there with that fucking grind And I get like two grams of powder Of toe jam dust From my fucking big toenail My little toenail

I don't even know I'm telling you My deepest secrets But who gives the fuck It's December 20th We gotta open up the fucking valve Cocksuckers People are gonna go into a depression mode Pretty soon

I gotta keep you motherfuckers intact So let's keep talking about the fungi toenail So it's tremendous I fucking buff them both out I wear my mask because I don't want none of that dust to go on my fucking face because sometimes when I polish my fucking toenail with the spinner, the fucking dust gets all over the place.

I don't see it to the next day. I think it's just falling by my foot. I hold my foot sometimes, and I just watch the toenail dust gather on my foot like a gram. I fucking I put it between my fingers and I smell it and I think of Lee. I'm like, fucking Lee smoked that shit. Well, we both smoked it. I just recovered from that. I had a fucking mowler that had a little fucking toe jam in it from fucking my toenails.

But anyway, I don't know what the fuck I was talking about here with the toenails. What I was trying to say was that it's been a fucking hell of a year. I'm happy it's fucking over, but guess what? I fucking stood up to this motherfucking year. And I was like, you ain't taking me down, cock sucking. There's nowhere. Dog, I wish I could tell you how bad I felt inside. Like, you don't know what it's like to talk to somebody on the street you haven't seen for a while.

And your heart's just beating while you're talking to that person. You're like, why am I fucking running while I'm standing here talking to this poor best? I mean, it was terrible. So that's why I would look at, I couldn't even make eye contact with people because I was thinking I was going to die on the fucking spot. You don't know what that's like. I'm trying to hydrate cock suckers. Give me a breather here. I know you guys get mad when I drink water.

Don't drink water on the mic. What do you want to do? Sit here and talk for fucking an hour with no fucking water. Don't use a water bottle. Yeah, don't use a water. Listen, I know these things make noise. I know they're fucked up. But what am I going to do?

Put my water in the canteen so you guys don't hear the bottle. Get a grip. We're all fucking family here. It's Monday. You know what I'm saying? Why fuck around? You've had worse fucking noises

in your goddamn life. But I'm happy it's all over. Listen, the last month, my job has been, I know where I stand. I know where I stand. I feel good. I'm ready.

But I'm still feeling a little, you know, not 100%. I'm at like 90, fucking four or something like that. My job since the last month was just get ready for 2020 and what I wanted to do. I was just telling Mike

I was thinking of leaving next week but I think I'm going to push it back. Stay in town. I got some calls out to offices like maybe two people call me back. I think I had an appointment Wednesday to look at an office about three miles from here

or some shit. Just take a look at it. You know, I don't know. I want to make a lot of changes. I got rid of some people out of my life, you know, that were just wasting fucking time. Why they're sitting there? Why they're sitting there? So I switch governments.

I'm still working with the ice cream shop. Fucking everything's solid there. All I've been doing the last couple weeks, like I said, is just getting ready for the 2022. That's it. What I'm going to do in 2022? We've got to hand a book in March. So we got another three months of work in the book.

And I think the last three months will be a little busier because they'll just be rewrite. So I'm busy with that. I'm also going back to Jiu-Jitsu and I'm having a great time in there and I tell you what, thank God I did that. I'm grateful that I did three things for myself. I'm grateful that I read the taper

and stuck to it to the fucking tea. I'm very happy I went back to acupuncture. I think acupuncture had something to do with it. I've been going there for 14 fucking years to acupuncture so once you take it out of your life, life for a year. I'm sure that it went back to where I lived before. Who the fuck knows? And I'm really happy. I'm very happy that I got my balls and my anxiety and check. And I walked into that jih Tzu thing because I got to be honest to you, it's the best thing I've did since I've been here.

And I knew when I walked in there for my first private that as I was walking out, I told him, I said, you have no idea how good I feel right now for coming and getting this over with. Because nothing bothers me more than being fucking scared. Nothing. For the first time my life, I was really fucking scared last year. I got to be honest with you guys, I didn't think I was going to make it back. I wasn't able to think. I wasn't able to go out of a realm.

I mean, I was searching for words. I couldn't find them. You don't know what a... When you have a machine gun mine, like the one I have, my thoughts are always getting popped into it. And all of a sudden, you don't have that no more. you start doubting yourself I was really doubting myself

I remember that I started doing stand-up like in February right after the surgery down at Uncle Vinnie's and the more I went down there I found out that I just that's the only reason why I stopped going Uncle Vinnie's because I couldn't give 100%.

I couldn't feel like I could give 100% I couldn't say that at the time because I was kind of ashamed of what I was going through but after I figured out how to tackle this shit There's no shame. It's over. We're on a fucking straight path to make it back to fucking health. And that's what I knew.

But that's the only reason I stopped going Uncle Vinny's. I love that fucking club. That's one of my favorite clubs in the world. It was just that I wasn't doing anybody any good. I was going down there with the same old fucking. You know how hard, you know how bad it is for me to use the same jokes? Do you know where that puts my head to go out there for four weeks in a row and use the same jokes and I wasn't able to write?

You know what that puts me? That puts me in a bad fucking position. Because there's one thing in this life, I always, listen, in comedy, you're going to have good sets and bad sets. And I know that. And in podcasting, you're going to have good sets and bad sets. When you're fucking somebody up the ass, you have good nights and bad nights, right? You're fucking fucking somebody, and you come quick, and you don't know what it was, and you start blaming your fucking high blood pressure or your fucking ear medication.

You know, we can't score 100% all the time. And I've come to grips at that. and I've had to accept that. But I didn't do well on stage for so long that when I had a chance, when you guys gave me a chance to perform, I had a rise to the fucking occasion. And I got to be honest here,

I don't like bombing. I know I lied to you guys that fucking, you need to get bombed. You need to bomb from time to time. It builds character and all that shit. I didn't like bombing. I didn't like bombing. I understood it.

And I know where it came from. And I know it was lack of preparation. your head's not in the right place. But let me tell you some guys. When you pay $25 to come see me, I can't have that. I can't have that hiccup. That's what I've told myself. I can't have that hiccup.

And I learned that from Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan has a great line. Something about Mickey Mantle. They asked him, you know, why do you always do this every night? And he goes, because I never want to cheat the people. You know, they paid for a fucking seat to come and watch me play baseball. And that's how I felt.

When I took a bomb, why I didn't do it? Let me tell you something. I am still, still embarrassed about the bombing I had in fucking New Orleans two years ago. Do you know that still haunts me to today? And I tell you what I did. They made a sign for me of June 9th. I was in New Orleans. I hung it in my bathroom for a reason.

Because I'm always in the bathroom taking a shit and you just sit there. It's not like I got magazines or I got a TV in there. I just go in there and work the mind a little bit. But when I take a shit, I look at that sign. I look at that sign as a reminder of the bombing I did in New Orleans. I don't know a lot of you guys went to that show and you're like, Joey, you didn't bomb. I didn't bomb to you guys, but I bombed personally. And I knew that.

And as long as I'd said racist jokes. It was just not me that night. It was just not me. And it happens. Then that night was the night that we fucking got stuck in San, me and Steve Simone got stuck in New Orleans because the planes were fucked up in Atlanta and had to reschedule the tabernacle theater. Whatever. That was, but I never forgot that. I never, ever forgot that bombing. He was one of the most embarrassing bombings. And then I went outside and had to talk to people, and that was even more fucking embarrassing.

Nobody came up to me that night and said, I helped them out either. It was just a cold, brutal fucking night. I remember going back to my hotel room, going, dog, if I want to raise this bar up, I got to come a little bit more fucking correct. And I did. I took care of the situation. I did a great show in Vegas. I had five great. great shows in fucking in Tempe, you know, before the fucking pandemic hit. I was doing kick-ass shows at the store. I had my

material tight. I had never been that tight as I was before the fucking pandemic. When I fucking stopped doing comedy on March 2nd or whatever the fuck was my last time on stage, I was pissed because I was ready to shoot a special. I was ready to do a thousand things

before the fucking pandemic started. But so were a lot of people. Woe is me. So were a lot of people, fucking Joey. Get your shit together. This ruined a lot of shit for fucking people. You know, and people didn't know how to act after that. Look what's going on in the fucking world today.

People getting stabbed every day in the city. People being rude. You know, I was talking to somebody online the other day. And I said this, like a guy and me were going back and forth. Just a guy I talked all the time, Leon. And we were talking about the behavior on the Internet the last year. Real quick, I hate to interrupt. up the podcast, but the joint is sponsored by BetterHelp online therapy.

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Start with BetterHelp. Remember, BetterHelp.com. slash Diaz. And now, back to the podcast. It's just been fucking brutal. The things people say to people, I read not my comments, but sometimes I read other people's comments, just to see, you know, they posted something. I want to see what people's reaction is. It's not good out there. People's hearts are not in the right place. It's not their mind. It's their heart, because the heart goes to the mind and tells you, hey, it's a beautiful day. It's a sunny day. Sunny day. Sunny day. Son, but I don't know what the fuck is going on.

I see the rudeness online. Listen, I'm to the point. I've been online for so long. You want to say something to me, that's fine. Sometimes I say, your mother sucks dick. Sometimes I look at you and I say, I say a prayer for you because you're a fucking retard, and you don't know where the fuck you're coming from. A couple weeks ago, we did a manscape video in my bathroom.

I put the video up on Instagram. I had like two guys going, Joey, Clemsklee. clean your shower. That's what you saw in that video. That's what you saw. I'm over there talking about, you know, cutting your balls hair

and sprinkling fucking revivoring your asshole from Manscape. And what you got to say to me is that I got to clean my shower. And let me tell you something. I actually got up, went and looked at the shower and I go,

just say, nobody uses the shower, you fucking jerk off. It's a downstairs bathroom. That's why it's my personal shit fucking pen there. Nobody used that bathroom. peas in there my wife don't even use that bathroom nobody goes in there it's just solo it's just me nobody showers in there i got a ton of shit like if you come over fuck nut i'll have you take a shower in my shower everything's in there shampoo a lufa everything's in there nobody uses that fuck it's got a

like an electronic shower you got to press buttons it's no turn this and shit so you don't know what i don't know what the yeah she put it down here for her daughter i guess her daughter lived in this room and in that bathroom her daughter but the fucking shower is tremendous but that's what you came up with that I didn't clean my bathroom dog this house is fucking clean as can be my wife cleans this Ike helper the only thing that's

dirty in this house is that fucking toilet down here because I dumped some tremendous shits in there I mean 22 inches dark brown you know a couple pieces of granola in there I go deep in that fucking bathroom the other day there was a skid mark in there had to chisel it with a fucking chiseling

it had plastered itself into the it was a little it was like a skid mark just going straight into the fucking toilet just the piece of shit just land on there i don't put my balls under the toilet i haven't put my my dick in a toilet in years i put my dick outside the toilet i hold my balls while i'm shitting i'm massaging my warm them i put a little manscape revive on them and i just fucking work them you know i'm saying that that shit you don't want that shit smell to creep into your nut sack so that's why i get the little reviver i rub my balls but my shit doesn't go in the water i don't like water hitting my ass i don't know where i stand you

So I like to shit two or three inches up, let it go down, let it go downhill, so at least I piss on it. And it explodes and it smells like a fucking dead body, but that's what I do, guys, when I'm fucking lonely and bored. I know. I'm 58 going on motherfucking five. I know how to have a good time by myself. These motherfuckers don't have a good time by themselves. You got to take a shit and pee on it. I do a ton of experiments back there in that bathroom.

I try, I shave my balls with Manscape. I fucking charge up. In fact, you got to fix that. that fucking thing that weed map sent me today. That little vaporizer. I want to start smoking with the little vaporizer. It's charged. It's charged.

Now, I've been charging it for the last fucking two weeks. If you take a hit off that, you electrocute yourself. I also got this fucking little pen from, I got to be honest. I'm not a vapor pen guy. But I fucking ABX sent me some vapor pens. I gave a couple of Mike. And they only sent me one little thing.

I was going to give that to Mike. I thought they were going to send me a couple of them. but they sent me only one... The battery? The battery that you smoke live resin from? Yeah, the little thing you twist it on to? No, you don't even twist it. You just snap it on.

It's fucking tremendous. It's fucking tremendous. And it kicks like a fucking mule. Sometimes I don't want to go outside. It's cold that night. I got my pajamas. I just hit that a little bit, and I fucking sit down here, watch whatever I'm watching the right.

But I don't want to go outside. Like last night, I went outside like, no, Saturday night for the UFC. I must have gone outside four nights. That's how I know I'm back. Because I was just smoking one joint at night, like at 10 o'clock. That was the rule. Now I'm starting a little earlier.

Like now I've been starting like at a quarter of eight. And I got some good shit the other day right from Jersey. Did I tell you that, Mike? I got some nice fucking reef. I'll give you a little piece of this. I didn't get a lot of it. But it was pretty fucking good. Yeah, I was pretty, listen, guys, you know,

I've been smoking that callie shit. Ziki shit for fucking years. So it was tough for me to let that go. But I actually told them. I said, you know what, guys? I got to stop. You got to stop. You know, like I would have my friends go out or whatever, and then they come back, you know,

and they bring me like shit that they got over there. And I said, you know what? Like my friend was going to L.A. Tuesday, and he asked me last week, do you want me to bring you something back? I want me to stop by the ice cream shop? I said, no. Because it's just, guys. You know what it's like?

I don't want to run out. You know, you're always looking at your weed. I was like, fuck this. I can't keep dependent on California. You know, I've been here 15 months already. It's time for me to get a fucking connection. And somebody on Patreon, one of the dudes on Patreon, my man R. Pan,

turned me on to this fucking weed delivery service right here in Jersey. I go online. I order it the night before. Like, if I order it tonight, I have the weed here at 11 o'clock tomorrow. on morning. Cute little African-American chick came over the other day, dropped it off, I asked her in. I didn't

even know she was coming. I thought she was coming at 1, and she ended up coming at 11.30. I was downstairs writing, and I heard the door, but I almost shipped my pants. My wife was home, and I looked at the door from downstairs. It was an African-American chick. I go, who do I, I go, oh, my weed is here. So I went up the stairs, I opened the door. What's happening? Beautiful? She's like, oh, what's going on, Uncle Joey? I said, come on

in. She smelled fucking great. I went downstairs. I got her money. I tip the, you could tip on the fucking app, but I always tip them just for coming over here. They bring it right to the fucking house. You can't lose. Only in fucking, well, they got them everywhere. Who am I kidding? But I like this service in Jersey. They got edibles.

They got packwoods. They got some great fucking refil. It's donation like only, like that's the scam that you have to do. Or it's not really a scam. That's the way you have to do the service. It's donation only. They have different packages like diamond, platinum,

silver gold, you know, and it works. It fucking works. And so what? I'm smoking refa that's a little notch down. This last weed I got from them? Holy fuck. It was a little extra. It was $2.50 for the half ounce. I enjoy it. I don't have to bother

them. I don't have to bother my friends. I don't have to fucking, you know, I just feel creepy after a while. I'm just putting it's like, you know what? I don't need to go through all this and put people through this. I don't want to put somebody through this. They get stopped at an airport. They come back. They're like Joey.

Fuck it. Let me learn where to get some weed in Jersey. It's not like I'm smoking like in Cali. I'm not smoking with three hands anymore. I mean, I'll tell you one thing that came out of this year. I don't smoke in the daytime no more. And I got to be honest with you, I kind of like it. It's nice.

It's a nice fucking feeling, man. It's a bit much. I was getting high fucking all day in L.A. And I knew it had to change. I knew my sound. I don't even have that whistle in my fucking voice anymore. Have you noticed that? The fucking, the little, whatever, what do they call that disease when you smoke cigarettes?

I got that shit. I had the beginnings. Ephesima. Yeah, I got the beginnings of it. The last x-ray they did for me, maybe five years ago, Dr. Waxa told me, he goes, you get the beginnings of emphysema? I go, you don't think I know that? I hear the fucking whistle in my chest at night when I'm fucking, I should be snoring. It's like I swallow the fucking kazoo.

You got to hear the fucking noise that come out of my chest at night when I'm fucking sleeping, but. Hey, it's all the motherfucking part of growing up, man. I had another shock this weekend. Thank you, all you motherfuckers for reaching out. My little Lulu died, and the crazy thing is she died a day after the anniversary of Superbad. Superbad's anniversary was Friday the 17th, and Lulu died Saturday, 18th. It was rough at the house. It was really rough for my wife.

my daughter hasn't put it together yet like she just hasn't figured it out yet we really kept it from her a little bit was she tight with the cats yes and no she comes down here a lot in the mornings and plays with them she brushes them and she watches TV before she eats breakfast so

she came down this morning and she didn't notice it I don't think she'll tell her during the week when things slowed down a little my wife was still crying this morning you know I have another cat that's here with me I don't even know I'm gonna do the album of the week because she's so heartbroken. She just wants to sit close to me

and I'll tell you what, between us, I hope she doesn't hear me, she's got a couple days left too because I had their brothers. I remember I have this family I've had, I've been dealing with this cat family since 2004. You know, samurai

fucked a lot of kittens back there. That motherfucker left the legacy that was untarnished. I just found a video of him. I'm going to put it up for you guys. A guy shot a video on me and Samurai walked right past us. And I'm like, show this motherfucker. I'm like, Sammy,

Sammy would just look at you, give you the finger or give you the claw. I swear to God, this motherfucker didn't. He wouldn't even take fancy feast. You know how many times I brought him all different types of food? In fact, when I even brought him crab meat, he just fucking looked at me. Like, fuck you and your crab meat. He refused.

That motherfucker wanted nothing to do with people. So, but he gave birth to like, 90 fucking kittens. And then he was killing him. And we couldn't have that. And we had their boys. I had from that cat, Samurai, I probably had Dimmie, Harry.

Superbad was his son but halfway. Superbad's mother, her mother, was fucking two cats at the same time. She was a dirty horse. She was fucking the big black and white cat and samurai. In fact, they even fought to like almost a death. Samurai fought Superbad's father almost to the death. There was a horrible bang-up fight in my backyard. No worries.

But so we started with Superbad, no. Demi, Harry, Allie. Who else was his fucking kid? Evie and Lulu. So we probably took about six of their kids. Lulu and Evie had Siamese colorings and Superbad. they were both in the same fucking womb, guys. This is just tremendous.

She gave birth to three Siamese cats and one black and white one from the father, from Superbad's father. It was crazy. It was a learning fucking experience I did not know about. I learned so much. I like animals, guys.

I'm fucking sorry. I like dogs. I like cats. I like birds. I don't like pigeons. I don't like fucking pigeons and don't like that. But I like fucking cats and dogs.

I honestly I gotta be honest Even when I'm writing this book I'm gonna put this in the book I honestly think that Well I know for a fact What brought me back all those years And gave me the strength

To cancel the Coke To stop doing coke Was these fucking cats I swear to God I don't know what it was I felt like a father I don't know if that was it But little by little

I stopped snorting After I got these cats And Superbad was it it. You know, when I got super bad, he was almost dead. I made a promise, and that was it. That was 14 fucking years ago. That was it. That's how much these cats meant to me, you know?

Listen, guys, I lived in California. I know you guys, everybody in California has a support animal. I know you don't want to hear this shit. Listen, I don't like when people come on a plane with a fucking cock of spaniel and the thing is making noises. You know, if a dog shit's on a plane,

they have to take the plane down. So every time I see a fucking dog come on a plane, I'm like, if you shit, motherfucker, I would send them messages, like, I'm Michael Vick, you, you cocksucker. If you fucking take a shit on this plane and you make this, because one time they did that to me, they had to clean the fucking plane, so the plane went down,

they had to take the lady off with her fucking stupid dog, clean the shit, disinfect the plane. I was two hours fucking delayed because your fucking service animal took a shit on a fucking on the plane here. It was horrible. So every time I see a fucking dog come on there,

I'm like, really, lady? But she always brings like two or three dogs and she's chatty as fuck. So if you're scared of something, I'm not seeing it here. All the fucking people got service dogs are always chatting, always talking. You know, don't blame it on the fucking dog.

All of a sudden, you're chatty because the fucking dog is here. So, like, I kind of believed it. I kind of didn't. I had a problem like 10 years ago. I was fainting from the, edibles and God knows what else. I was just fainting. I had like three faints in like a year. And every time I would faint, I would, I would feel it coming on. I would run. This is when we lived

in North Hollywood. I would run to the fucking chair that was next to the air conditioner. And I would rip my shirt off, rip my pants off and I would just sit there fucking fucking fucking, you know, like 50 degree air blowing on me. And I'd still be sweating profusiously. And I had this cat, what was his name? Finney. Finney would see me from a distance And run over to me and jump on me And I have no shirt on And he'd jump on me and start clawing my chest

And I'd want to fucking choke him I was ready to fucking punch him And I go I know what this motherfucker is doing He's trying to take my mind off Whatever I got going on So I won't faint He did that a couple times

He saved my life Another time I banged my head In the closet I was bleeding And he fucking came and sat with me too Because I don't like blood I looked at my hand I was bleeding

I got a little fucking queasy. But I figured out that this motherfucker was just taking my anxiety away. So when I went through all this shit last year, I became tired of with these fucking cats. Like I would pet them more. Petting a cat relieves your anxiety. I don't know if you guys know that. Petting a cat, petting a dog, playing with a dog.

If you have a hang of anxiety, run right to your fucking cat or dog and see what happens. If I would have put that fucking together, never taking those fucking Xanax. I would have just petted my cat everyone. I would have taken them. I swear to God, before the fucking pandemic, I was thinking about making one of my cats a service cat because I was sick and tired of these fucking dogs coming on

and nobody shows up with a fucking cat. And then people started showing up with two or three dogs. And I was like, you know what? If I come on here with a fucking cat, because everybody has their fucking animal. Why should my cat stay home? These cats have all been my support animal, fucking 20 years now.

I really feel that. That when I got the cats in my life, when I put the cats in my life, my house changed for the better. I started fucking with cats in maybe 2003. And in four years, I got off Coke. I just felt better. I felt like maybe I was a father again.

I would buy them toys. I would go to fucking Petco and buy them the stands. You know how many fucking stands I had in my own? When we moved from L.A., you know how many stands I threw away? I had one, two... They're expensive. Bro, they were 200 apisto stands,

and I had them all over the place, and then I was thinking of running the stand up in the wall, because I talked to the guy he was going to come over, but it was in my house, so I'd take it down and shit, so I said, forget it, but I love my fucking cats, and I got entertained by them. You know, some guy hit me up this morning or two days ago.

No, yesterday, because Lulu died on Saturday, and this guy hit me up on Patreon, and he was talking about Joey, I think it's time for you to get a dog. I said, oh, duh, duh, you know. But I got two cats still. You know, I hate saying this in front of Evie, but I don't give her another month, you know,

the broken artifact, you know, her sister's gone. Her and her sister were inseparable. Mike was saying that the last two Zooms we did, the sisters were in their little fucking pen beating the fuck out of each other. It was tremendous, but. hear them on there. Yeah, you can hear them on there.

But they were tight. They loved each other. And it was really sad to see a fucking go, you know. I could come on here and cry and listen. I've been looking at her and playing with her for the last six months. I knew her time was going to expire. It was just I didn't know when. I wish it wouldn't have happened before the fucking holidays.

It'll affect our home a little bit. got my wife's going away to see her family and shit and the holidays of this week but no this is going to be a little rough thing for the house this week and it happens guys it's all a part of fucking grown up you know i was a little down saturday afternoon when my wife took her because they called and they said she's fine we think it's diabetes and then they went out and they told my wife that no her uh her functions have given up her kidney or liver. Something had given up. They shut down. So my wife said she went in, said goodbye. She called me. She took a picture of her.

But she said by the time they got to the hospital, every time my wife would pet her, she would turn around and hide. I don't know if you know that when cats feel like they're going to die, they don't want to see. They don't want you to see them dying so they hide. And she was already hiding. And I could tell Friday night something with, up with her because when I was petting a Friday night, she was meowing loud. I had never heard her meow that loud. So something was giving up. She was in pain and she's in a better fucking place, guys, you know?

Listen, animals come and go. They become part of your fucking family, and it sucks when they go. But it's something that I've been dealing with for years. Remember, I had 11 of these motherfuckers. So, you know, every time one died, I love it a little piece of me. You know, the one that hurt the most for me was super bad. You know, I always thought that after he died, like, just a little doubt in my head that maybe I would do Coke again,

but no, I never did. I mean, his love stuck. And I'm happy I got to experience these guys. You know, I grew up without cats. I didn't know what a fucking cat was. You know, when I was a kid, you know, we threw fucking bottles at him or whatever or fucking yelled at him. And then for years, whenever I would go to somebody's house

who had a cat when they'd jump on me and I bet them they'd purr but the purring I thought were them like growling I never owned the cat so when you piss off a dog the dog goes when you piss off a cat

I don't know what noise they make but they start fucking purring and once they start doing that shit with threading I don't know what they call kneeling whatever on your leg I thought they were going to attack me so I'd throw them off and the owners would go what happened you know the cat loves you and I'm like

no that cat was sticking me with nails No, that means he loves you. You know what? Fuck that shit. Nobody who loves you sticks fucking nails into you. So, you know what I'm saying? That cat don't fucking love me, but little did I know that that's part of that thing. And now I got like a cat.

Who used to need, oh, the gray, the cat at night, my night cat, the therapist, she fucking does that to me at night. And I got to like sit there for fucking an hour and let her do a thing while she's getting her head together. And, you know, even that with gray at night. my day is complete i turn the tv of you know they always say to turn your appliances off don't watch and that's what i do it not i turn the tv off i try to read a uh a fucking chapter of any book that i have just a chapter just a chapter i've been getting to led zeppelin again and to make it fucking worse that bob lillinger just sent me a new biography that came out by led zeppelin Holy shit

Holy shit You know Bob Lillinger has been sending me Zeppelin books for years He sent me the Jimmy Page book He sent me the big Led Zeppelin book The Three-Parter That's fucking huge

And now he sent me this new book I should have brought in here To show you guys a great Christmas present You know I was reading the one chapter About Led Zepp and I'll wrap after this I know I've been talking a little too much today You're like Joe you're giving me a fucking earbeaten today I know

I'm in a good mood. I'm happy, guys. The holidays are coming. We get to spend time with our families. I got to spread the fucking cheer. I know a lot of you motherfuckers is a tough time of the year for you. But again, there's a tough time for me too. It took a couple of years to adjust and I finally did it. My mother's gone. My father's gone. I'm not going to bring them back. So what am I do? Sit like a fucking orphan on Christmas Eve and cry?

No. Christmas is the best time of the fucking year. You know what? They're looking down on me going, what the fuck, Joey? spark up that Christmas tree. Light that motherfucker on fire. Shoot that poison arrow through my heart, you fuck. Listen, I'm going to make the best Christmas I can this year. I was a little upset that my wife and my daughter were leaving me after Christmas.

You know, they'll be back by New Year's. But I'm like, this is the time of the year for this shit. Go, jump on a plane, fucking get COVID, you know, stand online for two hours, you know, get abused at the fucking airport. Be my guess that that's what you want to do. I'm going to sit tight. this holiday season, enjoy what's going on here. Have a great fucking time and just get ready for 2022.

Listen, whether with the cat, without the cat, without the kids, it's going to be a great fucking holiday. Let me tell you what else I'm fired up about. I'm really fired up about 2022 guys, and I hope you guys are getting fired up. In fact, tomorrow I'll start reading The Art of War. I mean, I'm getting ready. I don't know what war is coming up. I don't know what we're going to do.

I don't know what I'm doing this year I'm gonna finish this fucking book And I love to fucking Do a one man show For years I tried to do a one man show I knew I had it in me And I think that's the route to go I still want to perform

But I think I would just want to tell that story You know and Once we get the book ready I'll just rip out the shit from the book Once it's finished And that's what we'll present At the fucking one man show. I think I'll do it towards the end of the year. It's going to take me some time to write.

I've been already making notes of what I want to say on it. You know, I think it's going to be fun. I'm excited about it. You know, I'm just going to take it right from the book. So once the book gets released, it's the book and the one man show. I'll do a couple book signings. You know, I'm going to try to do my best, guys. But I'm just excited for 2022. I'm not excited for the surprises are going to throw on us. Joey, what are you talking about? What's surprises? I don't know.

I don't know. We might get a mandate here in Jersey. We might get more than vaccine mandates. You know, we could only put $600 in the bank. You know, there's just so much stupid shit that I've been hearing lately. I don't even pay attention to it because I got to do what the fuck I do. You know what I'm saying? I don't give a fuck what they're doing.

That's fine what they're doing, but we're going to do what we do. We can't have money in the bank. I don't even know all the shit that's going on. It doesn't even matter to me, but expect a little fucking. surprise next year. I don't know what it's going to be. I don't know if it's going to fucking even affect us, but I'm just letting you get prepared. We got mandates in New York. Shit's closing down. We got mandates in L.A. Now they put extra mandates in L.A. didn't I? Because the numbers are high again. We're still safe here in Jersey. We still don't have to wear mask inside, even though the numbers are

up, you know. All I could say to you guys, it's, this is the best time of the year. I cannot believe the fucking, you know, that you're going to be scared now, you're going to go to a Christmas party, that you might get sick. Listen, live your fucking life. This thing is here with us, and it's like my girl, Sandy Zanati said on fucking Patreon, she goes, Joey, you were right.

Me and my father got COVID. Well, guess what? We're all going to fucking get it. But I'd rather get it January 2nd. They get it December 22nd. You know what I'm saying? So avoid Christmas parties, avoid heavy breeders, and just enjoy your

fucking holiday, guys, because it's going to be a great one. I just feel it. I feel it in my heart and in my bones. I've been down for so long for the last year and a half between pandemics, knee surgeries, moving that I'm ready for my fucking life, guys. So it's going to be a great fucking week. That's all you need to fucking know from your uncle Joey. Thank you for watching the show today.

Thank you for all the warm-hearted messages about Lulu. She's in a better fucking place now. I got to deal with my girl, Evie. As you could see, she was in here earlier. I picked her up and brought her outside, but she doesn't want to be alone out there. It's just an ugly reminder. I don't blame me, you know, so she's sleeping.

She's out fucking cold right now, as out as she could be. And I love it at that. Thank you. Have a great fucking week. This is a great fucking day to get your shit together. And remember, you got four more shoplifting days left, right? There's a 20th or the 21st. Who gives a fuck?

I love you cocksuckers with all my heart. And now for a word for my motherfucking sponsors, Jack. I love you, cocksuckers. All right, you cocksuckers, I love you. I know I was all over the place today, but who gives a fuck? I'm so excited. I want to stab three motherfuckers, maybe four. I'm not sure yet.

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