#127 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ
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03:25What's happened, you bad motherfuckers?Welcome to the joint.It's Monday, the 3rd of January.It's a whole new fucking year with a whole new ship,with a whole new set of old fucking rats.That's the way we're looking at it.It was a great little holiday.I'm happy that we took the fucking week off
04:40because I got COVID.Dun-da-da-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.I finally got COVID for Christmas.I tested positive Christmas Eve.It was official Christmas Day.Best thing that fucking happened to me in a goddamn long time, you know?Everybody had been fighting not to get this shit.Everybody thought they were immune to this shit.
05:00But like I said, we're all going to get it eventually.It's how prepared you are for it.I'm a fat fuck.I'm out of shape.I got a fungi toenail.I got sleep apnea.I got a bunch of shit.So I had to be on top of my game throughout this whole thing.
05:16I knew rest would be it.And I got to be honest with you.I know where I got it.I got it.My daughter's kickboxing place.The lady I was talking to Monday before.Christmas, her husband had it, and we were bullshitting about it.She said, you know, he took all the fucking bells and whistles, and he was doing okay.
05:35But I think I got it from her.It developed the 23rd.Pretty much, I could feel it.I had a chunk of fucking diarrhea come out of my ass.Chicken bones, garlic cloves, everything that could come out, came out, and I knew something was up.I had body aches, but you know us guys.We're working out.We're walking.
05:54Going to Jiu-Jitsu.I'm an old man, so I get sore if I fucking whack off.So I didn't know what the fuck was wrong with me.Yeah, I whack off, I get sore.Like I throw a back muscle.I haven't whacked off in a rott while, but just saying, when you get older,fucking, you get, you pull a muscle fucking, you get the flu whacking off, you know.So you got to be careful.
06:13You got to be on top of things.I'm really happy.I listened.I'm very happy.I went and bought backups on all those fucking vitamins.You know, that was the first thing I did.When I felt better last week, I went.and got some more fucking vitamin.
06:26My wife, get the Okala, whatever the fuck that is, the D, the zinc.And does it help, guys, who the fuck knows?I don't know.I know I feel better.I look better.My thinking has been great.And I got to be honest with you, I was fucking, you know, I always thought when peoplepulled up the test or when they got the test in the email, how you would react?
06:49Like, I was always thinking about that.How am I going to react when I get it?When I got it, man, I swear to God, when my wife.wife said I was positive.I had a little fear, maybe 4%, believe it or not.I had 4% that I was going to die.Like I thought it just crossed my mind for a fucking second.And then as the night went in, I can't believe how I felt lighter.
07:14Like I was like 20 pounds fucking lighter when I went to get a water that night.And I was like, wow, I feel this much fucking better.Part of my whole dilemma was defeat.year I had a COVID.I'm big enough to admit, hey man, if you look at it, a lot of people today I do your reading,mental health has been a fucking part.If you don't got COVID, you've got a little mental health issue right now.Not everybody's going to make it out of this motherfucker alive.
07:39In the words of Jim Morrison, this is, you know, I've been here for the last six weekstelling you motherfuckers that 2022 is our year.We're going to make it work.And listen, we are going to make it work.And we're prepared and we're ready to go.goals are written. I'm reading the art of war. You know, it's back. It's the first. We go back to theoriginal thing. And I've told you all, but I feel like I let you down because it is going to be agreat year for us. We're still going to keep doing what the fuck we need to do. It's our surroundings.
08:11We don't know where this is all going. It's not fucking good. We're going to keep pushing no matterwhat. You know, like I always say, it doesn't matter who's president. You got to keep getting upin the morning. Call me when the president says, listen, I'm going to mail you a chance. I'm going to mail you aA nice check, and you don't have to do nothing,but fan your fucking pussy all day.That's the president.I vote 10 times for.I fucking get rid of my, you know,
08:35over the break, I tried to do the right thing, guys.And you guys have been on me for years.My friends have been on me for years.Family members have been on me for years.Like, listen, man, you always talk about the felonious experience.But guess what?You're not in the felonious zone anymore.You've been out of that zone for 20 fucking years.
08:52Why don't you go get your fucking record,whatever the fuck,as sponged and all that shit.Well, guys, I was working on that for about a week and a half.And I got to tell you something.All these attorneys that called me that were friends of mineand were like, oh, we could do that just making a call.Fuck!
09:10When I called the attorney, he took the case, he took the situation.He's like, I'll do it.But I'm not making it on guarantees because this is a fucking nightmare.You got to get everybody in Colorado on board.Like everybody, like the arresting officers, the DA,to prosecute it.Well, first of all,the prosecutor that prosecuted me
09:29as long,he fucking flew to coopright after my trial.He became an environmentalist.He went to work for the fucking feds.He went from prosecuting me for kidnappingto go after peoplefor fucking throwing a piece of paper out the window.
09:43It wasn't that small.But, you know, those businessesthat fucking throw syringes in the ocean and shit,those motherfuckers.So he went from kidnapped for me.He went from prosecuting my Cuban assto kidnappingto fuck him whatever.
09:55Let's just start with that guy.My attorney, he's in Colorado Springs.I think he's a slipping four guy now.He don't even do criminal fucking law.The two cops, the one cop retired,and me and him are okay.We talk on Facebook from time to time.He don't want nobody to know,
10:11but he's proud of me and I'm proud of him.We both, you know, made amends to each other.The other fucking detective,he's not going to go for it at all.I know this motherfucker.This motherfucker still throws arrows at me and shit.There's a comic in BoulderWho's a cop
10:26Like a part-time copAnd I worked in him one weekendAt the comedy worksAnd he was telling me the shitThis cop was sayingListen he ain't lyingBut that was a long timeI go let it go slick
10:36Just because you stayedThere's a fucking punk-assFoot soldier in boldAnd didn't do nothing with your fucking lifeThat's not my fucking problemI changedI changed for the betterAnd I'm happy about it
10:46ButYou know whatAfter thinking about itI'm just gonna leave the record thereI don't give a fuckI did itIt's donetime to move the fuck on
10:56and go on to the next mindfucking Seattle, forget about it.Seattle don't ever want me up there.When I fucking got a guyto go down and look for my records in Seattle,that motherfucker called me back and he goes, listen,your records were so fucking buried in thatstock room that it took me like a week
11:14to get them. Like, nobody gives a fuck.But they want me to go back to, you know what?I'm going to sit right here tight.If we need a passport, I don't know.We'll fucking print it up ourselves.I know friends who get passports all the time,but now you ain't going nowhere.They're looking at that passport with a fucking, you know what I'm saying?
11:31They're deep in that fucking passport.Now they're looking for vaccines and shit,so I'm just going to sit right here in New Jersey.I don't give a fuck, you know.But that's what I was doing before.I was trying to do so many fucking things.I want to get an office.I call 20 people.
11:46I talk to three realtors.Every office I look down.I got one more hope.They're building an office building down the corner.Did you see that?That's what I was telling you.Yeah.And I went there.
11:53the other guy's like, I'll call you like the fucking 10th of January.I'll let you know we have something in the back that's small.I said, listen, but I want to be outside.I don't want to be in an office office.I want to be outside.Like, I want the office we had.Like, we could go outside.There's a little yard in the back.
12:08We could shoot fucking videos.You know, listen.I mean, it doesn't look like we're getting any guests for the next two months.So, I mean, I'm not killing myself.But that was the whole thing.It wasn't just for the guests.It was to shoot little videos and do little things.I don't have to do here.
12:21Like, this morning I had to kick my daughter on my,and my wife out for fucking two hoursbecause, you know, we got shit to doand people to see.I'm down here yelling and screamingsaying fucking racial epitatsand she's upstairs, I can't have it.And that's why I was thinking about, like Mike,
12:35like, if we had an office,we could do podcasts that night.I love that.You know?A little water cock suckers.You got to hydrate, you know what I'm saying?God, that's the most important thingof this COVID.
12:50But I will tell you what I did do.That was pretty fucking interesting,you know, and I'll walk it for you guys.I don't give a fuck.I tested positive on a Thursday, confirmed it on a Friday.And then Friday, I just relaxed.It was Christmas Eve.You know, my wife and my daughter moved upstairs.
13:08I was in the fucking basement with the door open, freezing the death.I had chills.I had sweats the first couple nights.I fucking sweat the first two nights.The second night, guys, I had to get up in the middle of night, take a shower,take all my clothes off, and change the fucking bed.that's how much sweatI was sweating
13:28like the first two,three nights I was drenchedand even last nighthad a little bit of fucking sweatbecause I'm still sleepingwith a sweatshirt onwith a hooded sweatshirtI'm time to sweat it out
13:38but I'm gonna tell youwhat really I caught out of this COVIDI was watchingyou knowlisten guysall you have to dois rightthe first three days
13:49all I could do is maybe rightI tried to play the guitarI got fucking dizzyyou knowI justdrank eight, check my temperature,check my oxygen levels.I was the first fucking three days, you know.
14:02And then you're home all day.You know, you can't do anything.I mean, I opened up the garage.I went for walks.I mean, the second, the first and second day I had it,it was gorgeous out.So the girls were gone.So I would open up the garage door
14:17and put a fucking lawn share out thereand get vitamin D with my blanketbecause I knew vitamin D would help fucking kill the COVID.I mean, just natural vitamin, not drinking a gallon of milk or fucking taking pills and shit.I want fucking sun, you know?So I went out there both days and how I was out there one day getting sun.The next day I was out there for a few fucking hours.But at night, that one night, I think it was Christmas Eve night.
14:43I was up.The girls came back.They went to bed.I couldn't sleep.And it was like two or three days of watching TV.I was on my second day of watching TV.and you guys know I can't deal with fucking TV all dayYou know I could deal with like half time of a game
14:59A period here a quarter hereYou know and then I walk around I do all this shitI mean I watch I watched a ton of movies during the breakI watched uh fucking cobra kai I watchedI watched I started watching the wire againBecause I'd watched everythingBut the Christmas EveSomething happened that night that really
15:21It made my Christmas EveIt was fucking great.I was sitting there and I noticed there was nothing on TV.So I started reading a book.Bob Linger sent me this Led Zeppelin book.Trust me, I'm on like eight fucking books on Led Zeppelin.I want to kill this year.I love Led Zeppel.
15:38I love everything about him.So I was just looking at the line of notes and shit like that.I noticed the longest yard was on.Longest yard is on every fucking day if you let it.You know, I'd be honest with you guys.I watched it when it came out in 2004.I mean 2005.I went to two premieres.
15:56I went to like a screening.And then I watched it again with some friends.And after that I was like,I'm not watching this anymore.And when it comes on TV,I always look at the scene that's on.I giggle and I just scroll by it.That's it.
16:09I can't sit there and watch that movie and go,that's me.I can't.That's fucking embarrassing, guys.And I let it go.You know, when people get those movies,like I know a thousand people that get those movies.And they won't go for another.
16:22of the movie. They just hold on to that movie for years. They wear the gear from it. They wear thet-shirts from it. And that's their big breakout thing. You know, when I did the longest shot,2005, when the year ended, I put all that shit away. I'm finding shit. You know what I foundlast week in this closet? I found something I haven't seen exactly in 16 years. I found, you know,like when you sit in a Hollywood chair, they have your name on a thing behind it and they have likethe longest shot or whatever movie you're in.I found my chair thingthat they told me not to take.
16:58They're like, don't take that.You're not allowed to take it.I was like, fuck you.I took that motherfucker to go.I had not seen that thing since we shot the fucking movie.And when I was cleaning out the closet there,me and Mike talked about cleaning out that closetfor three months.
17:14That closet, I don't know, when I was a kid,there was a TV show about some cartoon guyevery time he went for the closet,the closet fell on top of him.and he would have to unbury himself and shitand then the rest of the afternoonhe would put the shit back in the closetthen the next day he would open up the closet
17:28and the shit would fall downguys I had so much shit in that fucking closetI had boxes in therethat I had not opened up from the movelike there was still four boxesfrom the fucking movethat I took out of there one daythis is how boring COVID is
17:44because COVID is boring as fuckyou're not gonna trust me you getI can't watch TV all dayso I came backback here, I would do the fucking closet and sections,and then I was finding the shit that was mine.I was bringing into every room that it belonged to once and for all.You're like when you pick something out of a box and you're like,
18:02I'll put that upstairs later.And two months later, the fucking, all in one fucking light or whatever the fuck you boughtis still sitting there.I didn't want, that's what's been happening here since the first day.We took shit out of boxes, put on the table and said,oh, in a week I moved that up.It never got moved.So what I did was I put my fucking iPhone on
18:22And I tracked my stepsI must have walked 3,000 miles that dayPutting everything exactly where it fucking belongedI threw out so much shit that was in thereAnd all my brother was like give it to meThere was nothing in there nobody wantedIt was like open fucking buttBallwabs
18:40From ManscapedIt was a thousand things that were like individualsLike shit that had brokenT-shirts that were oldI found the T-shirt from my cocaine days.I didn't even look at the armpits.I just threw it the fuck away.You know, I was like, I don't need to look at this shit.
18:56But that's done.I cleaned out the garage.I had a desk that was fucking filled with junk.I cleaned that motherfucker out.I mean, I did a lot during the COVID,except go out or fucking be able to do shit.So when you're stuck at home,you might as well look at all those fucking projects.
19:13I worked out very lightly.I waited till, like,the fifth dayand then like the one dayI just walked aroundthe frontyou knowwhen you have COVID
19:24this COVID I don't knowwhich one ofoh if it's AmacronI don't knowI don't knowI didn't look at the fuckingswab guysI just know
19:30that you knowI had a little shortnessof breaththere were momentswhen my oxygenwould drop to 93that's as low as it wentmy pulse is great
19:41you know I have onethose little fucking pulsesI put them on every daythis summerI would wake up to a pulse of 38That's how bad my pulse was this summerAnd I would jack it upWork on it work on it work on it
19:52So anywayBut back to the fucking longest yardBefore I fucking confuse your motherfuckersAnd what was in the closetThe closet's doneThe closet looks like a fucking million bucksI'm happy I got one more thing I want to do in thereMercy drew all those pictures
20:08You know pre-KK first grade second gradeWell not really second gradeFirst gradeI got fuckingfolders of picturesso what I'm going to do is just put them into aone big folder and maybe save them
20:23for I don't know how I'm going to put them awaybecause if you put them away in a box they're going to getfucking wrinkledbut uh when I was watching the longestyard that Christmas Eve like I waslike I don't want to watch this shitI went I was doing something I was gettingweed ready to do a bong or something like that
20:39the next thing I fucking know I'm watching thesescenes and I was watchinglike I was watching the scene but notreally I was rememberingwhat we were doing that day.Like, that's what I was seeing.Like, my mind wouldn't focus on just a movie.Every time a different scene switch,
20:55I was like, ah, I wasn't in that scene.I wasn't there that morningbecause I didn't want to fucking put the costume on.Towards the end, I was just a fucking rogue on that movie.But the thing I'm getting to is,while I was watching that movie,I realized who I was when I shot that movie.I'm not the person I was today.
21:13I was fucking handicapped at that point, guys.I really was handicapped mentally, physically, and psychologically with that fucking cocaine.The question I had for myself, after watching, I didn't watch the whole movie, it got the pressing after a while because it all kept going back to, I can't believe I was in that bad a shape when I shot this movie.Not because I was 418 pounds, but the amount of drugs I was doing up to shooting this while I auditioned.you know, who I was at that time when I shot this movie.There's no way.I don't know how I booked that movie.I don't know how the fuck I got into his office.
21:57I have no idea.It saddens me at one point of it,but the other part fucking makes me really happybecause it will show you that even when you're on your worst,you could still be at your fuck.You could still be doing good things.I mean, listen, when you look at that guy in that movie,you're looking at a guy at that point in my life that did not give a fuck about anything except
22:20succeeding except getting ahead that's all I cared about in my world it was like I was getting aheadby shooting a movie but I was taking two steps back by snort and coke are you with me herebut I didn't see that that I didn't see that I had focused so much on comedy I had focused so muchon my comedy career. This is no joke.I didn't give a fuck about my health.I mean, I sacrificed my healthfor the fucking that movie.Like, not for that particular movie,
22:52but you think about it,the shape I was in at that time.I mean, let's be honest,I couldn't even climb up my steps.I was having a hard timegoing up and down three flightsof fucking steps, guys.If the elevator would break,
23:09I would not leave the house.It was big,built in me psychologically that I couldn't fucking leave the house like I just couldn't do it I wouldn't even bother to walk down there you know when I watched that movie I watch I think about me going into the Y when that movie finished and signing up for a free consultation and the guy going listen man after like 10 minutes I'm going I can't help you you're too fucking fat and you're too fucking out of shape I thought I was dead but you know what I didn't care about how fat I was I didn't give a fuck about it Ihow coked up I was.I wasn't coked up when I was shooting the movie.I don't want you to understand that.Not at all.There was no way I would do coke and try to do a fucking scene.
23:51That's not going to happen in my world.I'm talking about what I was living through at that time.Five nights a fucking week, you know, getting high, not caring about myself,eating like a fucking savage from, you know, 10 eggs for breakfast,McDonald's breakfasts.It was four or five sodas before lunchtime, you know, I just wasn't right.So the question looms on meHow did I get that movie?
24:17What pushed meFucking forwardTo get that fucking movieUntil this day I'll never knowBut I guess it was just theThe wantI wanted itFucking badly man
24:29I didn't give a fuckAll I wanted in those daysI wasn't looking for pussyI was thank God I had a girlfriend at the timeBecause I wasn't in the mood for pussyI wasn't in the mood for getting my dick suckedAt that 2004, all I gave a fuck was making my point fucking hurt.That that's it.
24:49That was the end all fucking be all.I just wanted to do something with my life.You know, when I shot, when I finished shooting that movie, I was 44 years old.I had nothing.That movie just, you know, took me, sucked me to fuck in for everything I had.And I went there and I came through like a fucking fat cat.I'm very, very proud of myself for that.There's people that are sober
25:14and can't do what I did in that fucking movie.I'm not trying to fucking, you know, push smoke up my ass,but it's the fucking truth.You know, we had Catherine Arducci on here a couple months ago,and she told me before the premiere of the many saints,she goes, watch it, enjoy it, and take it in.And for the first time, since that movie had come on in 2005,it was the first time I watched it,
25:38embraced itsucked it in and saidwhat the fuck was I doing thatand nursing guys for a lot ofwhen that movie came out you have no ideawhat I was going through I was getting fuckinghate mail every dayI was getting hate not in the mail like
25:54the mail mail mail were deliveredyou know there was no Instagramthere was none of that shit but I was gettingtortured onfucking like MySpaceI think andwhatever the fuck was out my ownhot mail like people were fucking sending me shit
26:08like you're not Italian, why are you in that movie?What's it got to do with it?Fucking, what's his name, played in The Godfather?He wasn't Italian either.I mean, how can you play Big Tony?Comics, a bunch of fucking comics who remain nameless, you know, that were nothing at the time,and there's still nobodies.They got together, they really are.
26:28They're really nobodies.They got like a circle together like, Joey's not Italian.You know, and they wrote a letter to Adam Sandler.Somebody wrote a letter Adam Sandler.I was a Coke fiend.And, you know, people were telling me to my face.I wouldn't have got that movie if it wasn't for Joe Rogan.How many times have you seen Adam Sandler on the Joe Rogan experience?
26:49Okay, so shut the fuck up.You know, that was a long time ago.Those people who said that shit are probably long gone.They're probably eating the victim into victim somewhere.They're fucking, who knows what the fuck they're doing.But it was a fucking nightmare going in there every daybecause I didn't know who was going to come out of the woodworkwith another fucking comment.
27:10I don't go Joey, you know.But all that aside, man, when I fucking finish that movie, like, I didn't finish it.I just turned it off and kept reading, but it fucked it my mind a lot.It fucked with my mind that I didn't give a fuck about anything else.I was just worried about comedy.And now, I don't even know who that person is.Like, I look at that person 16 years later.I was trying to figure out who that fucking guy was, you know.
27:40All I saw was a fat guy with a lot of heart,and I was fucking scared of shit in that movie.I was scared of dying.I was scared of getting fired from that movie.I was scared of getting outed.And when I watched the movie, the scenes I was in,I mean, I watched the scene.I was laughing my ass off guys.
28:01It was the movie scene.We were in the movies,and I was controlling the VCR and all that shit.I went back to what was going on that day.There was two scenes that stuck out in my head.The VCR scene and the movie thingand we were watching the opposing team.And I got to tell you what scene killed me in that.
28:20When we were eating the fucking turkeyand the cranberry leg and all that shit,the cranberry juice was like a mock.It was like a real cut-in scene.Let me tell you something.That scene took like 12 fucking hours.And it was a Friday.And they brought in a bunch of fried chicken.
28:38They brought,or turkey, whatever the fuck, chicken, whatever the fuck they had,they stocked it up.Now, to top it off, Goldberg was there that day.And he was doing like that.It just so happened that that scene fucking was shot on the same daythat a bunch of blind kids were coming on the set.Like, guys, I can't even write this out for you.
29:03I can't even say these things to you.I think it was Mori Povich, his good friends with Gobert.So he got a deal with Goberg.It was a Friday that the kids were going to come in, like all these blind kids,Jerry Lewis kids, you know, I don't know what type of kids they were.It's just not in good shape.My heart goes out to them.I'm not trying to make jokes here.
29:23I'm just telling you, these were fucked up kids.I don't know.He was bringing up 40 of them or 50 of these motherfuckers.And that day was the same day.Like three dudes said, dog, it's Friday.Don't forget to bring a quarter ounce of weed.So I was like, holy shit, I got to pick up a pound of weed and go down there.You know, so I, dog, it was like, it was like yesterday.
29:48I still remember waking up.I still remember, you know, I had the money at the house for the quarter pounds.I had to get, I had to get like three quarter pounds.So I said, fuck it.Let me just get a half ounce.A half pound.And so I called the Armenian and he brought, he had this tremendous weed at the time.There was no weed stores.
30:07There was none of his shit.I was getting weed from this fucking dealer that was a beatBut there was a you know the Coke dealer had some weed from time to time that was pretty goodBut my main weed at the time was the ArmenianAnd I'll never forget these guys at the they were rich they gave me fuckingLike how much well I don't know what I told them it was like 700 I would tell them 900Even though I was making money they're rich I got to bang them out what the fuck I've been banging out poor peopleFucking 30,000 years when you see all these I never understood like restaurants
30:38It's like when a Hollywood guy comes in, like they give him a free meal.Fuck him.All these companies send you free shit.Like tons of free shit.I always think about like the little guy.Like what the fuck?Like when I used to get two albums from that company, I would always give an album away.Like I always, that's what I do.
30:56I call Dean Delray, Jim.I mean, I haven't gotten none since Mike, but I would give it to Mike Lee.I'm one of those fucking.But these people would give you free shit constantly.And I'm like, what the fuck?but you pay the you make the poor people fucking pay I never understood that shitwhat we talking about I don't even fucking know here this I feel bad for Mike because Ialways try to hook Mike up with the latest gadgets the latest refur I always do I'm very
31:27loyal to my friends but I got some stars at depth in last week from my company we'reputting out of a star is a debt chain he told me when he came to lunch he goes listenYou consider him putting a fucking edible line?I go, yeah, I'm working something with ABX for the capsules.But, you know, I like to fucking do something else.He goes, how about a star of debt?So he sent me two kinds of stars of debt.He sent me the blue ones are made like Delta 9 or something,
31:56like hemp-based products and CBN and something else.There's a sleepy time one.And the red ones are 100.They're both 100 milligrams.I'm sorry.I tried to get them to 200, but the legislature's,cutting this down.I'm sure there'll be
32:10some 200 on the markets.They told me that they're getting ready to shoot a500. They want to put togethera 500 milligram one.So what we're doing with laughing gasin 2020 is this.Coco was still there.The 35% laughing gas is still
32:28there. That's always going to remain.What we're going underneath is we're going withfour weeds. One's going to be like36, 38, and one'sgoing to be fucking, you're going to the insanein asylum, I appreciate.72 fucking percent.We got two edibles. We're getting licenses
32:44for Vegas. We're getting licenses forColorado, New York, and New Jersey. New Jersey'sopen. New York's not going to be readyfor two years. So it looks likeI'm going into the weed motherfucking businessguys. And that's the business I wantto go into. Like I told my wife,who said 30 years of smoking dope
33:02gets you nowhere? You know what I'm saying?I proved that shit wrong, cock suckers.So all you motherfuckers that youyour sisters, your brothers, and your uncles told you to put that shit down.It's never going to get you nowhere.They were wrong.Fuck them.I told you.
33:17No good deed comes back unfucking turned.Whatever the expression is.So 40 years of smoking pot paid off, okay?So I'm very proud of that.You know, I don't know how to grow weed and I don't know the genetics and I don't know that shit.But I know how to smoke weed.And I know how to review weed.And I know how to tell you motherfuckers is the weed.
33:38you need to go. Look at this shit we came upwith this week. This isa different, this is nothing from ice creamshop. This is a differentcompany. A dear friend of mine started growingweed about 20 years ago.He grew the first 29%strawberry cough.
33:54I remember bringing it to the Philadelphiafucking helium. The guyswere on stage and I would blow potat them from the side.And they're like trying to crack jokes and they'relooking at the smoke coming out of him.And Rogan was like, get that shit away from me.29%
34:08I'm talking into the buttlike it's a microphoneThat's when you knowTake a look at thisCogsuckersFucking beautifulOofOof is fucking moochers
34:17And I let it dry for MikeWhen I got it was a little wetYou'd smoke itYou go this wayDon't get you hotNow and this is a tivaHow many timesYou guys see me smoke sativa
34:26NeverI'm smokingBecause his sativasAre so fucking strongYou get like a fucking chill to itWhateverBut my point with the longestShard was
34:37Man was that I'm proud.I did it.I can't believe I did it.I can't fucking believe.I mean, I can't believe.That was the thing that shocked me to most, the on-night guys,that I could not believe I was in that movie.I never dreamt that.
34:55I still remember seeing the original.I still remember going to the screening of itafter the movie was done in Florida for the Super Bowland how pissed off I was.Because I wanted to be like the original.I didn't want to see Adam sticking his finger in his mouth and putting in the guys here.I didn't appreciate no of that shit.But I appreciated me being on that set.
35:18I couldn't.Till this day, guys, I don't know what gave me the belief to even send that audition tape in.I mean, I told you guys thousands of fucking times, and I was not kidding you,that when I stepped foot in Los Angeles in 97, I sat down.I didn't know much about goals and all that shit then,but I did.And I wrote down goals,and one of the goals was to try to be an extra in a movie or a TV show.
35:49That was my goal.That was my goal.Usually I put like a goal,and then three reasons how I'm going to get to that thing,I would just want to be an extra for some reason.I never thought I would ever get on a set,and I never really thought that somebody was stupid enoughto let me on a fucking set.
36:07I didn't know the politics of it,so I didn't know anything.And once I got mad TV and shit,I remember I would leave those places going,oh well, wait till they look at the fucking background.I guess nobody looks at background reports.I guess nobody gives a fuck.If you stab somebody in the eye with a pencil,
36:25I mean, nobody ever said anything to me.I put it as far away from my mind as could be, for starters.When I was doing all that shit,I lie to you guys when I tell you,that I think about, I don't think about it.I didn't do with that fucking felony.That's as far away from my mind this can fucking be.Better yet, felonies, plural.
36:44That's as far away from my mind this can be.Like, I don't let that take me down at all.That's why I didn't give a fuck about sponging your thing.You can't get rid of who you've been.You can never fucking, you know.What if somebody does want to hire me in two years,and they do do a background check,and they see that it's been aspunged.
37:07Like they'll go, what the fuck, Joey, you told us,but then you expung it.Listen, man, you can't change what you were back then.But you could change who you are today.And that's what I do every fucking day.I try to be a little better.Some days it works.Some days it doesn't, you know,
37:23but hanging in there and keep throwing spaghetti on the walls,the only way you're going to get forward, you know.It's 2022, man.And I really wanted this to be a day.different year. First of all, I think I'm done with all the external shit. Like, we made the tapering goaway. I'm feeling a lot better. I've lost some weight. Like, I didn't think I did accomplishanything last year. Like, I was walking around here in October feeling like shit. What's happened,you bad motherfuckers? You know the joint is sponsored by BetterHelp online therapy. Now, we've spoken
37:57about Better Help on this show before. And this month, we're discussing some of the stigmas aroundmental health. First of all, it's not for crazy people and it doesn't mean something is wrong with you.Talking to a therapist is a positive way to process life. I've made some fucking great, you know,results with BetterHelp.com. Dana has opened up my mind to different things. I know I can seenow when I'm getting anxiety. I address it and it's just like you're going to the gym ordentist. We should be caring for our mental health as much as physical health. So what I'm doingis this. Better help is customizing online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chatsessions with your therapist. You don't have to see anybody if you don't want to. It's much more
38:46affordable than in-person therapy and you're not going to find the therapist right now. They're allbooked up. You can start communicating with your therapist on BetterHelp in less than 48 hours.Give it a try and see why over 2 million people have used BetterHelp online therapy.This sponsored is podcast by BetterHelp, and you'll get 10% off your first month, 10% off your first month when you go to betterhelp.com slash Diaz.D-I-A-Z is the code.That's BetterHelp.com slash Diaz.And check out BetterHelp's new podcast, getting better stories of mental health near Megan.trainer opens up about motherhood or how the NBA, all the famous Chris Bosch,
39:32tames anxiety.Find getting better on Apple, Spotify, and everywhere else what you find podcast.But listen, if you need someone to talk to better help is going to help you the way to help me.Pressing Code Diaz and get 10% off your first month.And then I started thinking about my work with Eric on the book.Guys, I'm more excited for the...this book to get finished than I was for any specialized shot, anything I wanted to do with comedy.I got to be honest here, when I started writing this book last January, I wasn't all there in this
40:08book.And I think that we're going to have to go back to the beginning and add some spots.I think I missed some spots.I wasn't really at a good place mentally.I think I started getting into this book, you know, because it was the same story.If you tell the same fucking story every day, I was trying to write this book for fucking 10 years.is. I wrote this book already five times with five different people.They would always bail. They would have something else. I would have something else. I would
40:37fucking look at it for a month. And finally, I got somebody who was willing, I mean, we spoke.I told her she had to stay on for the whole book. The whole thing. Erica is doing a phenomenalfucking job. But I tell you, who else is doing a good job? I am. I am by fucking sticking with it.you know i've had to peel back the layers this is harder for me this book because right now i'm notwriting about my mother dying i'm not writing about the easy stuff me going to jail i'm writing aboutgetting cleaned getting married right now us looking to move right now i'm in the chapterwhen we just moved to the valley and i'm looking at all this shit between that and the longest yardguys i didn't even remember half this shit this is why i was talking to you about the longest
41:23Shard this morning. We always talk about the longest sharp, but not from this angle.I was watching that movie last week or whenever the fuck, two weeks ago, Christmas Eve,and I got to be honest to you, I was put there mentally.And I was like, what the fuck? I wasn't even here mentally when I was on the fucking set.I was too busy doing coke, getting, you know, I wasn't in good spirits when I did that movie.There was a part of me that was, you know, I was focused for the movie.I was focused to be on that set. Obviously, you could tell from me being.and that fucking thing.
41:54I was in that goddamn movie,but I wasn't.My mind wasn't fucking there.When I look at it now,I can't believe I did what I did.And when I'm writing these chapters in this book,I can't believe I did all that shit.And then I had the,
42:11like, I was on to something after 2005.After I saw that movie,I had a huge rock bottom.I had rock bottom.I can't believe how bottom I had.And I kept fucking pushing.I kept pushing.You guys didn't know.
42:26Nobody knew when I was doing,when at the end of that movie,what I went through.I think Joe knew, you know.I was having a hard run at it with the drugs.You know,I was having a hard run at the house.I was trying to hide it from my wife.
42:40I was trying to keep,you know,you can never live your life rightwhen you're hiding somethingfrom your best friend.Once I realized she was my best friend,it made my lifeso much fucking easier.
42:50I didn't tell her I quit Cokeuntil a year.after I quit Coke.That's who we're at right now at the book.We're about me telling her and her being in shock.First time I told my wife,my wife knew I was getting high.She just didn't know the extent of it.
43:05And she didn't know the things I was doing.And the first time I told her the truth, she cried like anybody else would.If I told you guys the truth, you know,I've told you the truth here through jokes and whatever.I've never told you the hard, dirty facts of being on the floorand getting up and crying after you're doing coke.I wouldn't let myself look in the mirror.Like, it was just the creepiest fucking thing I went through.
43:29So when I shake that shit, when I shook that fucking thing,I didn't know what I had shaken.I had shaken like a fucking curse.It was a goddamn curse.And watching that movie the other day, let me know that,I don't know where the fuck I was at.And I'm sure I'm not the only, I'm sure that there's musicians.I've read where there's musicians,
43:54that the band is broken up.they've been out of the band for four or five years.I read a thing about fucking Jimmy Pagethat, you know, when he was doing that band with Rogers,remember that band, keep me on tonight.I'm radioactive.I'm radioactive.When Bonham first broke up, when Bonham first died,
44:17I think Led Zeppelin tried to do a couple things.But then, like, by 84, the guy from bad company,and Jimmy Page.formed a band.I can't remember the name of it right now.Wasn't bad.They toured a little bit.You know, they tour a little bit.
44:34And then, like, I don't know,I just read this maybe five years agothat it took him, like, six years to unwindfrom Led Zeppelin, you know, with the heroin,because he was on heroin throughout the whole Led Zeppelin thing.He was on heroin on their last fucking,well, they didn't do a last tour.But before they recorded into the outdoor,
44:55he was a bad heroin fucking addict.I mean, if you don't believe me,look at Led Zeppelin live from that festival they do, Rotterdam,or, I mean, you know, when it's going to, did it with the Stones,a bunch of fucking fans, everybody has done it.It's tremendous the show.What was the name of the band?The firm.
45:18I think during the firm, I remember reading, well, not during the firm,during the firm is when he came to the conclusion of it.I read this about four or five years ago that he had nothing.Like he didn't remember all the songs on his albums.I don't remember shit.Can you believe that?Like Jimmy Page didn't remember songs from physical graffiti.And you got to look at that and go, wow, how the fuck don't you remember songs from physical graffiti?
45:46Your Jimmy Page, well, guess what?Now I know why he didn't remember the songs from fucking, I mean, you just blackout on life.There's chunks of my life that are fucking missing.There's weeks of my life that are missing that I can't even put together.Guys, I don't remember last Christmas.Out of my anxiety, you know, some of it I blame on the anxiety, some of it I blame on the drugs,some of it I blame on old age.But some of it, I got to be honest with you guys, I blame on just blacking out on my own.
46:22Like I didn't want to be present.And I've done that, you know, thousands of times.You know, I mean, mostly you don't want to be presentwhen somebody's fucking in the assand you didn't fucking sign up for this, you know?But in my world, you know,I always wanted to be alive for everything.Like I want to be a partnership.
46:46But guys, I got to be honest with you.The fucking drugs, the edibles,those edibles took their fucking toll at least.I don't want none of you motherfuckers to go,oh, Joy was eating 2000.Listen, if you don't think while I was eating those2,000 milligrams, I knew.You know, look at these guys that went to Vietnam.
47:05They're over there shooting Vietnamese.People have a great fucking time.They came back and got Agent Orange.What do you think?They didn't know while they were shooting these fucking rice paddy motherfuckers in their holesthat there was going to be, you know, any of you guys,if you don't think like that you're doing shit now, pills, coke,is going to affect you later.
47:26Listen, you smoke a pot.You smoke a joint.Let me kick you in that at one time.You're not going to fucking, you're not going to remember shit, all right?You're not really going to fucking remember shit.Yeah, it's the equivalent of that.I mean, you don't remember shit.I, the reason, what saved me through all those fucking years was I don't drink booze.
47:46That's the only thing that saved me.Yeah, I blacked out on some cocaine binges, you know, sunk in some chick swat falling asleep.I had a thousand of those things.And then they refreshed your memory the next day.but, you know, drug use is a motherfucker,and it's always going to come back to you,and I don't give a fuck if you think it,oh, well, edibles aren't going to do none to me.
48:07You don't think those 2,000 milligrams for fucking five yearsdidn't affect me, then fucking, it did affect me.It did affect me, and, yeah, we're having a good time here.We crack jokes and shit, but it affected me.But I knew that going in.You don't think the first night after I ate 20 capsules,I'm like, this is not going to be.gonna be good you know there was a point with those fucking old stars i was blowing gelatin
48:33farts i don't know if you've ever blown a fucking gelatin fart they're disgot i mean you don'tthink i'm gonna have to have stomach surgery in the future you don't think there's gonna be aproblem i do i'm expecting it nobody fuck meets 28 million listen they should have put lee and mein the fucking hall of fame what's that the the record yeah we should have been in guineetteAnd I'll tell you, I would love for one of you guys to watch.We had a star counter.A guy made a program for us.A guy had jiu-jitsu on Berto Crane's.
49:08Sweetheart of a guy that we would shoot the podcast.And then we were supposed to have the thing that,like what you do for us with whatever the fuck, the Zoom,like that platform you make in front.We had one for the podcast.And it was supposed to have like a timer,how many stars we ateand a goal for how many stars
49:31like every fucking podcastwe were supposed to havelike this podcast we're eating 20 starswe don't know how we're going to get thereif the guest eats threeI eat 17you know shit like thatthat was supposed to be up there
49:44we get so high before the podcastall those years we never said itwe never said itbecause we were so fucking highwe're like okay who gives a fuckwe're already there who's going tothis fucking thing.But if you look at some of those old ones,
50:00I think they had it up with the star of death counter.I mean, even this guys, even though,do you see me?I'm reaching for straws here.And I'm usually, I can remember anything from, you know,my childhood, I remember fucking stories.I remember the whole fucking thing.There's a kid I called the other night on Christmas.
50:21A couple days after Christmas,I was here with my family.And for some reason, I started thinking about,his father. And I just picked up the phonethat night and I go, hey man, I wasthinking about your father. He was a lot toughthan us when we were 58 and 60.And he's like, what do you mean? I was telling
50:37him all this shit about his father. We got tofight at the track one time. He's like, I neverheard these stories. What were youmy father doing? I'm like, dog.You know me, dog? I'm from the back ofbeyond. I would take these dadsand fucking take him on a rideand shit. I never, my
50:53fucking, I dated this girl in 84and he offered me a job.And I had to take it because, like, you know, what do you do?You know, your girlfriend's fault offers your job.It wasn't full time, okay?I was working in the city bar time.I was rolling people.I was doing 20 different fucking criminal activities then.
51:11But I was bartending.I was legitimately bartending.And this guy offered me a job.And I'm like, how to fuck him?I was one of those guys, like if somebody offered you a job, you took it, especially if I'm dating their daughter.And he came to me.He's like, I'd like for you to help me with this job.It's just two, three nights.
51:26a week, I basically pay you50 bucks. All I had to do,I had to do two missions on this job. I had toput ass on the bathtuband then fucking goget him beers and open the beers for him.Because he would have to wear those yellowmom gloves to watch dishes and he
51:42couldn't open up the beers. You know how many timesI would have to open up the beers? He would payme 50 bucks for twohours just to open up thebeers. But it was ahe was abathroom resurfacingbusiness. This guy
51:58got out. He was brilliant, guys. This guyshowed me a lot about life. The name was John.And I hooked up with him and one day, like, she didn't tellme her dad had gone to jail. He got to tell me. He goes, you know, I went to jail.I'm like, no, tell me about it. And he told meabout the whole fucking, he was in there for bookmaking.It was just a year. He was on workrelease. But because
52:18he was part of the prison, one day they took him tolike a job fair in New Jerseyand they had this thing called Burma Seram.And I can't believe I stood.remember it and what it was wasa coating for the bad tub they stilldo it today today it's huge nowhe sold that company and made
52:34millionsyou know what he paid for that company$30,000 he had to borrow from hissister-in-law and you hadan automatic fucking deal withSears so Searswas guaranteedto call you with eight to ten jobs
52:50a month at$500 a monthhe worked for public servicebut he would get home at nightI'd meet him at like 5.30and we'd go do a joband we'd get back like at 8.8.30I would get him stoned.
53:05I would do all this shity.I don't know how many timesyou would call me next thing and godon't say nothing to my daughterbut I couldn't feel my feet on the way home.What was that shit?You smoked with me.I was making him smoke chocolate.
53:16One time this motherfuckerfell asleep in the tubthat he was doing.I got him so fucked up.The tub was dryand he goes,I don't have I can dry yet.Why don't you go sit in the car?
53:28I'm going to do some stuff back here.I came back 20 minutes later.See what he was doing?He was in the fucking tub with the curtain on him and shit with hiding himso the people who owned the fucking house couldn't fucking take a look at him.That's the adventures I used to have with this motherfucker.But I used to get him high.I used to take him to the track.
53:47There was always a by the way after we finished the job.Like I would make him give me a ride somewhere like never the city or Harlem or nothing.But I'd make him get him.give me the rides like local stints and pick up a gram of coke with him and sit in the car withhim.He didn't know I have a gram of coke when I was dating his wife.But he knew, not his wife, his daughter.But he knew about the reefer and all the other nonsense that was doing.
54:11So fucking life, man.It's fucking great.I'm happy.It's 22.I'm happy I did this fucking podcast today.I needed you motherfuckers more than you needed me today.Trust me.I've been sitting in the house.
54:25taking medication, fucking testing myself,putting squabs in my fucking nose.You know, I've been putting that...How many fucking COVID tests have we taken so far since this shit has happened?I don't even have fucking stuff left in that part of my nose.Like, it's not here, it's up here, you got to do it?I don't even have anything left.I do that shit.
54:45I did it last night.I got to do it again today.And hopefully I'll do the PCR on Tuesday.Today, Monday, I got a fucking physical.I'm taking care of all that.shit.It's going to be a great fucking year, man.But I got to tell you something about last week,
55:01and I'll let you go.So Sunday comes along.I'm feeling okay.You know, listen, Saturday came along, Christmas Day.I'm feeling okay.I was taking my vitamins.I was doing everything they told me to do.I hadn't called Joe Rogan yet.
55:18I was talking to Jimmy Florentine.He goes, what are you going to do?I'm going to sit here and take what I have to take.And hopefully Monday I'll call a doctor.He's like, yeah.called Rogan and told him you and I go nothe goes call him up man maybeI had a dog everybody calls
55:31Rogan when they get COVID you know what I'm sayingand Rogan's got to fucking give him adviceI don't want to be that guybut finally Jimmy was like call him upI'm telling you he'll fucking tell you what todo I go all right I called him up hethis motherfucker was cooking for his familyhe called me while he was out on the grill he's like
55:48Joey Merry Christmas what's happeningmy grandmother's he and not his grandma's momeverybody was therehis wife's family the kids their friendsfuck it he's over there cooking i go dog can i tell you somethingi got covid he stoppedhe just stopped i talked about on my patreon podcastthat he really blew me away on christmas night you know
56:11we talked for like five minutes he asked me where i got itwhat my symptoms were he goes dog somebody will call you in 10 minutesi was like joe don't even rush it you know i'm good i don't feel anything yetwithin 10 minutes this chick called me.Tremendous.Mercy.Tremendous.Her name was mercy.
56:32I was like, what?My daughter's name is mercy.We started talking.She asked me a few fucking questions.Tremendous.She goes, I'll call you tomorrow.We'll try to get this done tomorrow.I'll listen.
56:43It's not going to happen on the 26th.You know, it's not going to have.I know this already going in.She goes, she never know.Let's give her to try.So she goes, I'll try again in the morning.She sent me some paperwork.fill out. I filled it out. She called me in the morning. We spoke for 10 minutes. She goes, okay,
57:00what local CVS do you want me to send this to? I'm like, what? This doesn't come in the mail.She's like, no, this is all 100% legit. I'm going to send it through your, uh, through yourCVS. Well, your doctor knows what I'm sending you. I was like, oh, fuck, tremendous.She sent me like an albuterol spray. She sent me pills for congestion. They sent mepills for a cough, they sent mesteroids from my chest,you know, from your lungs,so you don't get anything.
57:33These are for people who get COVID,this whatever variant is running around.I don't know.This fucking U.S. government variantthat blaming everything on Africa.Africa hasn't bothered anybody in years.They're over there trying to kill fucking,trying to save elephants,
57:46their husks and shit.They're not bothering nobody.I mean, that's what I told Joe.I think I got the African.It's like, no.First of all, that's false.information.Two guys from England went to Africa and they got over vaccinated.
58:00I was like, fucking Rogans got this down to a science.Holy shit.He's captain vaccine.You know, and sure enough, she called Sunday afternoon, said the medications go pickhim up.My wife went to pick him up.We came back.I went on the medication.
58:17I thought that was it.She called back.She goes, listen, we're going to bring you an IV tomorrow.We're trying to get either monoclody or.Antivodies, whatever.I know I'm saying it wrong.I don't know about this.And Monday I woke up and she goes,
58:33somebody will call you by 10, 10 o'clock.Somebody called.She goes, I'll be there at 12.I was like, listen, I'll set you up.I cleaned out all this shit.Lysol did, opened up all the windows.She walks in and she's like,when did you test?
58:48I go Saturday.She goes, you're probably not even contagious anymore.She goes, I've been working with this since day one.I'm like, what?She goes, trust me.Leave your mask on if you feel better.But I don't want you to think I'm going to die here.I go, all right.
59:00She came in, had the fucking bleaker.The whole fucking thing, man.She was great.So now it came time for D-Day.You guys know what I'm getting at, the needle.Okay?So again, I was feeling okay.I had had my temperature.
59:15I just put my fucking arm out.And she was like, okay, we're going to put an IV inand then I'm going to shoot stuff in for you while the IV is going in.You know, I'll do a,additional B-12 or whatever the fuck you need, you know.Dog, she tried to put that motherfucker in.My wife was like dusting.Like, she was trying to open the window and she had something stuck.
59:36I remember looking at my wife and going, what the fuck is my wife doing?And all of a sudden she pulled up the thing.And when I go, ow, my wife looked at me and she goes,her fucking face just went, because I had just fucking lost everything in my face.She saw it.And I saw, I saw that she saw that I lost everything I had.in my face.So I looked at her and I'm like,
59:56oh, I'm gonna go down.So I fucking start going down.I'm like, okay.And I'm like, oh my God, this isn't that badof a faint.I didn't faint.I just was like a little butt.And all of a sudden, I'm like,
01:00:08ooh, thank God we got that over.And she goes, I missed the vein.We got to do it again.I'm like, God, damn it.This happened with my fucking surgery, too.My nose surgery.It was fucking terrible.So now they had to put it in my fucking hand.
01:00:23And she went to put itmy hand again. I sawspots, you know, the whole thing.And it didn't take.And I'm like, that's because I didn'tdo no fucking push-ups.Get these heroin veins out. I got somegood fucking veins, guys. And I've never
01:00:38done heroin. I said, give me five minutes.I got on the floor and started doing some push-upsand shit, started throwing Bruce Lee kicksin the air. And I gave her the arm,the left arm. Now she was alldone with the right arm. I'm like, Goddamn it. I got like two tries and the left arm.But I was feeling
01:00:54so fucking shitty. I mean, I wasdone guys. I was ready to pass out.And she goes, listen, man,if you don't want to do it, Iunderstand. A lot of people have a hard timewith this, you know? I go, yeah,I don't think it's going to work.I've had this underlying
01:01:14anxiety for fucking two yearsand it's starting to come out again. My heart wasbeaten. Then I juststarted thinking, and I go, what the fuck is wrongwith me, Joey? You're 58 years old.You're not going to let this lady stick aneedle in your arm. I go, listen, let's try the left on.first pop after the push-ups
01:01:31she goes it tooktook about 40 minutes for the bagto fucking drain I was finetip top magoo and she said I'll come backtomorrow withmonoclodial fucking antibodieswhatever the fuck they areI knew what to expect
01:01:45Tuesday I braced myselfmy wife wasn't hereshe went to Spider-Man that morningwith mercy they could only go at 10 in the morningI'm like god damn it I'm gonna have to face this needle aloneoh by the wayA friend of mine, Fannie, one of my best buddies in the world, gave me an ice bag when I got this surgery.You could shoot this thing.
01:02:05You could stab it with a knife, nothing.She gave me a gray sight ice bag.Let me tell how my anxiety was that day.My wife took the bag when they were shooting my arms and she put it behind my neck.And I couldn't feel it.No, she also put an ice block on my chest.You know, I went to the UFC fighters come in for fucking in-between rounds.and they put a big bag of ice on that chest.
01:02:29She put a big chunk on my chestand I just sat thereand after the bag was all doneand I go, it's starting to get cold in hereshe goes, Joey, you've had that bag on youfor the last 55 minutes.My anxiety and my body warmedwas so high
01:02:43that I could not feel this atomic bagon my neckand I could not feel this atomic littleand it was a nice back on my chest.That's how high my fucking anxiety was.Tuesday she came back.Guys, first needle.it went right in.
01:02:58I didn't feel anything.My wife wasn't here.I had the ice ready.I had the other ice ready.I had this ice thingthat I was going to put on my head and shit.The monoclonia takes 21 minutesfor the antibody treatment.
01:03:12And then she did another IV,you know, gluosamine and B12 and all that shit.She put a little inflammationreducer in there,a little pain medication for my headache.And that was it.It was nothing, guys.So if you're scared of this,
01:03:26or this whole process, it's a fucking piece of cake.Tip, top, motherfucking McGoo.And for New Year's, I had the best New Year's in the world, guys.I know you guys had a horrible New Year's.New Year's Eve, I sat here and I'm like, fuck.I used to have some fun on New Year's.Like, I called a bunch of my buddies in the afternoon.I'm like, hey, we're getting ready for tonight.
01:03:49I pick you up with an eight ball.And they're like, that was a long time ago.Like, holy shit.New Year's, to me now, means.I'm going to eat something good and go to bed late early.In the fucking 20 years before that, holy shit.We were by ounces of Coke and quailudes,and I wouldn't wake up to the fourth.
01:04:08It was horrible.But this New Year's Eve had a nice day.Listen to what I did.I knew that Cobra Kai was coming on New Year's Eve, right?So I go, fuck.I go, mercy, what we'll do New Year's Eve is stay up until midnightand watch Cobra Kai.My wife, my daughter, my wife looked at me all weird,
01:04:25like you're really going to stay up.this girl like oh fuck yeah come new year's eve she asked me at breakfast dad and we staying up tonighti looked at my wife's like you guys could do whatever you want like okay let's stay up tonightwe came down we watched uh something at 11 and then at 12 we were watching some shit my wifewas watching it also i think we were watching cobra kai because we didn't have to wait till midnightcobra kai came out that afternoon so we're watching a couple episodes was it that good this year it wasall right. They set a couplemore fucks. They used some gender
01:04:58shit. So my daughterthey do a lot of kissing and a lot of hugging.My daughter waslook at me every time they kiss like that.What the fuck I want to see these people beatthemselves up. I go, that's not happeningwith this. It was a weirdanyway. It doesn't fucking matter what I think
01:05:14of the show. My friends are the executiveproducers. It was a great show and I'mvery proud of them to do it.So midnightcame and my wife goeslisten, I left the apple cider, whatever the fuck they were drinking.Whenever you drink with the kids, sparkling, sparking cider, sparkling water, whatever the fuck it is.I left it at my friend's house.
01:05:36We're not going to have any sparkling.I go, don't worry about it.Mercy goes, that's no problem.Mercy came down with like a bag of candy, right?Like, you know, liquorish and all this shit.She goes, for midnight, I brought down a big Hershey's bar.She brought down a nice big Hershey's ball.And she goes, we'll split up three ways.
01:05:54My wife goes, I don't know if I'll eat it, because I'm going to go to bed at midnight.The rest is up to you two guys.I made my wife take a piece.I go, honey, you got to eat it.She brought it for all three of us.You go upstairs, you hang out.Dog.I ate a piece.
01:06:10My wife ate a piece.My daughter ate a piece.I didn't know anything about anything.Listen, it was like somebody gave her a line of fucking Coke.Better yet, it's like somebody gave my daughter a fucking eight ball.Holy shit.I've been around her for a long timeand I've seen her act up on sugar,
01:06:29but I never saw her this hopped up.This little girl was doing fucking...What do you call those things?The other ones?Cartwheels?10 to 1.She was doing fucking cartwheels.She was doing that exorcist shit.
01:06:46The shit, remember when fucking Linda Blairwalked down the stairs?She was doing that.Back and fucking forth.All night.long on this chocolate.I was starting to get worried.I'm like, what the fuck she's doing?
01:06:57You know, the little kitten, I had two cats,one of them died, so the other one cries all day.Every time she cried,Mercy would go over and do a dance for her, whatever.And then they started fighting, like,they had the tournament, and you should have seen my daughterthrowing kicks, flying sidekicks.I had never seen anything like that how sugar
01:07:13affects a kid.I know you have to.Holy shit.I was freaking the fuck out.But I got to tell you something.Her and I sat there until three in thethe morning. We giggled. We laughed at stupid stuff. She even went upstairs and said, Dad,I brought your Hershey's, no, she goes, Dad, I brought you a peanut butter cup. I look over,
01:07:35she's eating one too. She knows what the fuck she's doing. She needed just to do one last bumpbefore she went to bed. Oh my God, she started coming down at like two, and I saw her just go.It was insane what sugar does to kids. It makes you fucking think, man.but you know what that's thewe kicked it up a notch that nightwe've always been pretty closeyou know me and my daughter butshe's getting older
01:08:04I could see she got older the other daybroke my heartshe's not gonna be my little girl in a few yearsyou know what I'm sayingI'm gonna have to peel her upsome fucking Arab fingers and shitbut I'm prepared I got gunsI got rocks
01:08:17I'm gonna be throwing rocks like those people in IsraelI don't give a fuck Jackbut uh it was a great fucking new yearEve, whatever, and it was that simple.You know, you look at New Year's Eve for all thesefucking crazy things you're going to do.And that night, me and my daughter just stayed home,watched the rest of fucking Cobre guy, and we turned it off.
01:08:35She was like, I don't want to watch this shit no more.We turned it off like episode 8, and we watched the honeymooners marathon.We watched two episodes of the honeymooners,and then I knew dives, drives,and normal wheels was on, so I said, fuck it.Let's watch that, and that was the end of that.That was our fucking New Year's.She fell asleep downstairs
01:08:54And I fell asleep on the chairTo about sixAnd then I woke her upAnd we both went up at like 6.30And that was my fucking New Year's Eve, guysAnd it was phenomenalI'm excited about 2022I'm excited for all you motherfuckers
01:09:11You're excited off for 2022We've been sitting in a fucking bush for two yearsSo now is our time to sling some fucking dickWe've been worse than Charlie in the bushWe didn't have to sit in the bushWe've been sleeping in the fucking bushLiving in the bushThere's nothing to do in the bush
01:09:26Now it's time to get the fuck outAnd sling dickets 2022Like I said to you guysDo your goalsGet readyIt's gonna be a phenomenal yearYou're gonna have the best year of your lifeBut remember what I told you
01:09:38I don't know what the outsideHas planned for usAnd who gives a fuckI don't give a fuckWhat they got plannedWhatever they got plannedWe're gonna conquer it tooThey took Rogan's fucking video
01:09:49down from YouTubewith that doctor.Take a look at that video.If you get a chance,if you could find it on Spotify.He had the guy that invented the fucking vaccine.Yeah, they took that video down.Interesting stuff to learn.
01:10:07And it's time you fucking pick the side.Cocksuck suckers.It's going down.I love you, motherfuckers,with all my heart.It's Monday, January the 3rd.It's as good as we can fucking be today.I love you, motherfuckers.
01:10:20Have a great week, and we'll be back Wednesday, tip top magoo, January 5th to let it all fucking hang out.I love you, motherfuckers.Thank you for the support.Stay black.Have a great day.All right, I want to thank you guys.I have no idea what I was saying today, but you guys will figure it out.You've been figuring me out for fucking 10 years.
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01:11:55And check out BetterHelp's new podcast,getting better stories of mental health.He and Megan Train to open up about motherhoodor how NBA Hall of Famer Chris Bosch tames anxiety.You can find Getting Better on Apple, Spotify,everywhere else you can get podcasts.But listen, go to BetterHelp.com, press and code Joeyand get your life started again.
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01:14:47and win $200 andfree bets if they're victorious.That's promo code Joey, J-O-E-Y at Draft King's Sportsbook app.The best.I had a great time with Draft Kings over the holiday.Hope you guys can have a great time with them also.Now, you've got to be 21 older, New Jersey, Indiana, Pennsylvania only.New customers apply.
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01:15:3722 is our year, cock suckers.I love you.Stay black and have a great day.We'll be back Wednesday morning tip top McGoo.
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