The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #128 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: January 5, 2022

Welcome to The JOINT..... It's Wednesday, January 5th..... This episode is brought to you by DraftKings, Stamps.com & CBD Lion….. Go to https://www.Stamps.com Use Promo Code: JOEY for a 4 Week Trial, Free Postage & a Free Digital Scale! Download the DraftKings SportsBook or Fantasy Apps & Enter Code: JOEY https://www.DraftKings.com/sportsbook to receive $200 in Free Bets when you Bet $5 on any Football Team when they win…. Go to https://www.cbdlion.com Use Promo Code: JOEY For 10% OFF Your Order! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint  The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Episode #069 - Michael Fugoso aka https://www.Instagram.com/fugstrator https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4Bn-i63w0Q Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

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But if not, head over the draft king's sportsbook. Download it and let's win some motherfucking Guitas. Let's get this party started on a Wednesday fucking morning here. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's the 5th of January. Sorry about Sunday's podcast. I was rushing it. I was just excited to see you motherfuckers.

As you can tell, the studio's not fucking even done yet. I haven't even started this COVID as a, I'm getting headaches. That's it. I'm done with everything. I've been going to the gym. I'm doing all the regular shit. But I've been waking up with headaches in the middle of the night. So I got to call into the doctor see what the fuck is going on.

It's the, my wife looked it up. It's the end of the COVID fucking whole thing. But man, this headache calls you down. But it's a beautiful fucking day that'll be alive. We're here. We're fucking queer. A lot of shit. shit's been happening lately, man.

And I'm adding it all. Like, I did not see it. For a year, I felt really guilty about what I was going through, whatever the fuck it was, you know, not being able to focus and having no desire to do shit. You know, it was like a cross between like a depression and anxiety, whatever. Who knows what it was? I started journaling. You know, I started talking to my loved ones a lot more and I got myself a little back.

I'm a little bit better, you know, but I'm looking around. In the world, man, it's fucking nuts. And it's crazy. You know, I... Somebody told me the other day on, like, Patreon that they're really worried about their kids' world. You know, they're upset because they don't know what type of world they're going to leave their kids in.

And I'll tell you, I don't know. I don't know. It's not looking fucking good. You know, it's not a good fucking world. When I make a Betty White joke, three days after she's dead, and fucking Facebook fucking bans me for fucking... I don't know.

I went to post a little bit of a little. something this morning and it said first off they sent me all I wrote was uh Betty White is dead and I don't feel so good myself it's a beautiful day whatever the fuck I wrote and they wrote back that I broke the compliance for guidelines of violence and so they said do you want to challenge it and I go yeah I'll fucking challenge it I didn't say nothing wrong I've been saying the same shit on there for 10 fucking years just a different person and let me ask you guys when I say that I'm not feeling good It's a joke. It's a joke for everybody.

Like, you know, Betty White is dead and I don't feel so good myself. It all started with Elvis is dead, and I don't feel so good myself. So every time somebody else dies, you just draw that name in as a reference. So please, when I write that shit, don't say get well, because that's not what I'm right. It's just a fucking stupid fucking joke, you know. But for Facebook to fucking take that down, like I woke up to that Tuesday morning, and I was like, what the fuck is going on? Like this, I'm off for that statement, but that's the thing. And I wake up and Rogan's not on Twitter no more.

He's on get her, get you, whatever the fuck it is, because Trump's people, listen, it's a crazy fucking world. You know, I know they ripped his videos down. I know Sam's living in, you know, he's living as a fucking hidden man. You know, everybody, listen, you could put, I had the understanding that you could put whatever the fuck you want down on Twitter and Facebook, but you just couldn't fucking say something. about COVID on there. You know, it doesn't, the COVID guidelines.

We don't know what are we talking about. Whatever, that's fine. It's like Twitter has become like a fucking bar on the lower east side. No politics and no religion. You can't, you can't talk that shit on that. That's what Twitter has become.

I mean, you know, me, I've got to be honest with you. I'd love to switch over together. Mike set me up with a little account. Maybe I'll switch over there before I get thrown off. But listen, I'm to the point in my life when you throw me off.

I'm leaving. Like I'm not fucking arguing with you no more. You know, listen, it's a different world. It's changing. The internet's fucking changing. It was crazy for a long fucking time. We had a good time, but the party's over. No more guys blowing horses and shit.

You know, I went into the deep web about a week ago. They told me to go fuck myself in the deep web. They're not even doing nothing. Any over there anymore. Sure. Now I fucking start the podcast. Now the guy could call me for a Zoom. That's the way life turns.

out, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, who gives a fuck? We're here, we're queer. It's Wednesday morning and I'm feeling fucking good. And then, you know, we all saw what happened on Sunday. I cracked the joke about it.

Thank God I didn't get punished for that one. You know, Antonio Brown, pulled the Burt, fucking took a shirt off at Jet Stadium. Let me tell you something. It was fucking cold that day. I was at Jimmy's watching

the fucking game and we're watching Antonio Brown and I was almost sent an Uber for that motherfucker. I was like, damn. Antonio Brown's in Jersey. Let's get this motherfucker over an experiment with him. But after watching that, you know what it reminded me of guys? I don't know if you guys remember when Martin Lawrence was found on Ventura Boulevard with a gun with no shirt on yelling maybe 20 years ago.

You know, he was under stress and shit like that. I love Martin Lawrence. You can't say nothing bad to me about that, dude. But it's just really weird that you're seeing these people going fucking nuts, you know. And I got to be honest with you, man. The other day my friend called me, they can't find test. And I got to be fucking strictly honest with you. I got a call from buddy in mine saying that, you know,

you couldn't find the test that he went to a supermarket in Jersey and they won a $40 for a test. And I go, you know, that's what the world is coming to now. You know, and I hung up the phone with him and I was like, how much shit can Americans keep fucking taken? How much shit can we keep taking? You know, you wake up, I make a Betty White joke, they throw me off a fucking Facebook. I go visit my family at the airport.

I'm there two hours and they cancel my flight and I got to sit there all fucking day. I can't get COVID test, you know, you can't get everything you want for fucking Christmas. There's nothing on the fucking shelves. We're getting horrible information on it daily. We don't even know we get a vaccine, we get COVID. You got a booster, you get COVID. Who the fuck knows anymore? America is fucking suffering.

I'm like, we're getting beat up on a daily. Listen, I've been beat up all my fucking life, so I'm used to it. I don't give a fuck. I just got out of the comedy world where you get beat up every fucking day for everything you think about. But as a human being, I'm looking around me, and I'm like, what? When does this end? You know, I woke up Monday morning, and it was 40 degrees. It was cloudy.

It was dark. All of a sudden, we got a text. No school. No school. There's a snow day on Monday. You know, here my dog. Do you have any idea what this house went through during COVID? I mean, listen, it was a great holiday.

You know, I know people have it worse. Some people were in the fucking hospital for Christmas, so I'm not crying. But for a week, nobody would play with her. Nobody would play with her. You know, we were marked like the fucking bastards on the block, you know. She could play outside with the neighbors because they were going through some COVID-ish shit,

but she didn't get to, you know, we did Christmas here. It was great, but she didn't see her friends over the fucking holidays. It was cold on these fucking streets. That's number one, number two. You know, I had COVID. And I couldn't drop it. I wasn't going to keep it a secret, you know, and let my daughter go out there and spread

that shit. That's the biggest fear I have. Today I was supposed to go to, or yesterday I was supposed to go to a place and work out with a friend of mine. He has a guest pass. He goes, I really want you to do this workout. And I go, you know what, man, I'm feeling a little fucking off. Like, I'm not 100.

I want to double check. Like even Mike, you know, me and Mike spoke about him coming on Sunday last week. And we were like, nah, because he's got kids, you know. So the last thing I want to do is fucking spread something. So I canceled that. I go, I don't want to go in there just in case. Now, listen, I know I'm not contagious since like the fifth day. I think the day after I got the, I don't call me, or whatever the fuck it is, that day,

I saw the nurse do something with a mask. And I said, why are you taking it off? She goes, listen, you're not really contagious today. Like after five days, you're not really contagious or whatever she said. So my daughter didn't get it. My wife didn't get it. Mike hasn't gotten it yet. So we don't know what the fuck to expect.

But I don't know. I see people getting beat up. And we're just taking it. Like, we're just taking it. We're not pulling, turning around and yelling. We're not doing nothing. Like, we just take it. Like, we just either turn the TV off or fucking.

hang up the phone or shut the computer down. But every day, this is worrying on us. So when you see Antonio Brown do something like that, listen, I was laughing my fucking ass off, okay? I'm the first guy that was laughing. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that, you know. But after reviewing that and seeing what my man, Tom Brady said the baddest white man that overlived,

he even trumps Jesus after Sunday. Yeah, Tom Brady's on a league of. his own but even when he came out i looked into that i'm like yeah people are going to the wild shit look what's going on at airports and shit people are just pounding each other people are pounding each other and you know what man i'm the bigger the man the bigger the mistake i was wrong about a lot of things during this time you know i didn't you know i look at these guys bashing uh everybody's getting bashed whether if you do a vaccine if you don't do a vaccine if you don't do a vaccine if you You know, everybody's getting bashed for something.

If you do a show, I saw Neil Young is mad at performance because they're doing their touring. I had the same issues myself. But you know what? I started thinking about it. And wait a second guy. These people are our only entertainment. These people are the only fucking break that we get right now. That's it.

When we go to a concert or you go to a movie like last week, fucking Spider-Man made $50 billion fucking dollars. Nobody gave a fuck about COVID You know Everybody wanted to go see Spider-Man Let me tell you something It's not that people wanted to go see Spider-Man It's that they need entertainment They need something

You know what? The drugs ain't working no more They've been doing drugs for two fucking years I mean I talked to my ex-drug deal About a month ago The cocaine has gone off the roof And then now people are running out of money So they're going from Coke

To that shit you speed the speed they met whatever crank i don't fucking know so that that and that's never a good fucking choice right there in your career once you do crank you just got a couple fucking days left after that so i see the drug use i see the pain on people's faces you know i'm watching these you know i go on instagram and test a check and look you know and guys it don't look good i see a lot of people faking the funk And that's fine, but that catches up with you. You know, I tried to fake the funk for years.

It catches fucking up with you, man. You can't keep smiling every fucking day. Like nothing's dumping on you. We're getting dumped on it on a fucking daily base. I don't know if this is planned. I don't know if this is a conspiracy. I don't give a fuck what it is, but I know that as Americans right now, man. Look what happened last week.

So you fucking live all year. You know, everybody's jumping up and down. You went to see guns and roses. You went to Atlantic City. You went here. You went there. You went to baseball games. And the thing that you want to do the most,

spend time with your family over the holidays. Now became a fucking hurdle. Now, don't get me wrong, guys. In 1983, I thought I was cute, and I decided to take a plane from Colorado or something to whatever. Sure enough, we got 12 inches of snow the day I wanted to fly. I think it was Thanksgiving, 83. I made a, when I was living in snow mass.

That was the first time I ever went home. I was excited as fucking, let me tell you something. So I got in the plane Wednesday. I didn't get home with all the delays and shit. I didn't get back to Jersey till Thursday. And then I left like Sunday and I didn't get back to Colorado to fucking Monday because, yeah, I landed in Denver, but I had to get to Aspen. And that flight always got fucking canceled if you had the 8 o'clock flight.

And you had to actually stay on the fucking airport and fucking sleep. But it was different back then. The bar stayed open. I'd put my cocaine in the locker. I swear to God, they had those lockers like in Get Shorty, where he hit the Coke and get Shorty and shit. I would hide my Coke in there, go to a bar, have three drinks, go back.

One night I dropped 100 in quarters because I kept going back and forth, opening up the fucking Coke at $2 a fucking shot to open up the locker. So it's the truth, Ben. I fucking went off one night. I remember one night I got caught at that. I used to get caught at that.

Denver airport all the time. I got caught there all the fucking time. And I got to be honest to you, I look forward to it. Because the bars were open, chicks were there, you could talk to, I remember one time I met like a music mogul.

You think I'm fucking kidding you. I started giving this guy Coke and shit. We started talking about the bands. I'm not fucking kidding you. He had like the Beastie Boys. He had some big ass bands. He had pictures with the Beastie Boys. He showed me the contracts.

He was going to California. or something like that. We both got delayed in Denver. I was going to Aspen. He was a connecting flight. We talked for hours. I might call them the next day. He's like,

no, Rick Rubin. There was some white dude that was powerful. But the next day I'm like, hey, remember me? And he's like, get the fuck out of here.

I wasn't even into fucking comedy gun or anything. This is 83. I just met him at the airport and I got him all coaked up till like the fucking morning and he gave me his number and I'm like,

fuck, I'm in the music industry now, Jack. I'm going to join a, band, I'm going to play the ukulele. I called this motherfucker, he's like, what? I go, no, listen, man, I wanted to fucking talk to you about the music. Get the fuck out of it. He just hung up on me.

I knew nothing. No, what happened was this. I had a fucking idea. I was at a hotel one day and like 80 something hanging out, and some big black dude was there, and we were talking, he was telling me, I swear to God I had this conversation with him, guys. He was

telling me he produced rap music and all this shit. I remember looking him in the face. and going, dog, we need a white rapper. And we talked about it at this hotel for like an hour, a white rapper, white rap. I never saw him again. Then two months later, I mean, then popped out, and I looked like a fucking asshole.

You know, all the Beastie Boys popped out. Because, yeah, this is 82. I don't even think the Beastie Boys came out like 85 or something like that. But, you know, the more I look around, man, I'm like, something's got a fucking break. I'm very excited. I'm down here in South Jersey, surrounded by trees, bears.

and Italian people from Staten Island, I'm good. But I don't even try to go up fucking north. I mean, it's just, I got to go up there tomorrow for a fucking wake. And guys, it's the last thing I want to fucking do. It's the last thing I want to fucking do. I just watched somebody talking about wakes.

Oh, Steve Sharipper was talking to David Chase about wakes that he fucking hated wakes. He hated all the wakes and the soprano, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. blah blah blah that's the only thing i agree with the sopranos when you move to jersey you go to a lot of fucking wakes they're huge here people love their wakes they love them me i think that the creepiest fucking things in the world and i'll be honest with you after my mother died i know you heard that little underground burp it was tremendous my wife made uh i went to the gym today and i'm fucking my wife

had leftover uh pot roast with short ribs in it for flavor god damn i ate the last two little short ribs, I'm ready to go. When we first busted it out, I didn't find any today because Mike was coming. He's family. I didn't want to blow them out of the water. But she put a bunch of garlic in there and they didn't blow up. They just, like, halfway, like, it's halfway.

Like, I don't know. So she gave them to me the first day she made it last night. She's like, oh, look at my thing. I got so much garlic. I go, is this what this is? What happened to it? It just blew up. Let me tell you something.

I ate every fucking garlic clove. last night we were watching Guy Fierry's fucking diners dives or something I got excited about something I blew a fart My daughter even went like What the fuck is that

She didn't say what the fuck is that smell She goes dad it smells really bad down here What was that? I go That's a tremendous garlic fart I mean it was horrible I took two garlic farts And after that I took a dump

And I was done with the garlic And I'm like I'm not gonna eat any more garlic Because Mike is coming tomorrow I haven't been farting in the podcast because I don't know I think my asshole just loved Lee and he just wanted to fart for fucking Lee You know that was it Poor Lee he's still recovering from his fucking vacation in hell

That's what I said Like even somebody like Lee sweetheart of a guy You know never wants to be nobody He goes to Mexico to take his girlfriend on a fucking trip And it sucks dick Like I don't know what he paid for the vacation But I know it wasn't cheap So now you go

He's back He was cracked I mean he called me immediately When he got back He was a little bit more cracked Than he was on the podcast He was a little warped on the podcast Remember he was like the podcast

Straight And he's like I don't know What's going on But he's a sweetheart of a guy But even somebody like him It's like him It's like Mike Mike is a working guy

You know He takes his wife out It's a big fucking deal For him to go to Mexico It's a big fucking deal They saved a year they put away shit they had to get baby care and then you go to fucking Mexico the food tastes like fucking Mexican feet it smells down there he was telling me all the

shit that was wrong with it I mean how much can Americans take last year they sat down for fucking uh you know you sat down for fucking 18 months you were in the fucking house dreaming you're going on a fucking vacation first off you look at the fucking prices I don't know if you check prices what are they doing two Americans what the fuck are they doing to Americans what the fuck are they doing to Americans. When I got to New Jersey, gas was 204. Pushing. That means if I went on the nine and took a mile ride down, I would see a gallon for 195. It's some fucking Hindu gas station. The gas is cut like fucking bad cocaine. They cut it with fat and all and shit. God knows that

they're putting in there. But it was still a dollar 95. I'll tell you what, we're going to hit $400. We're going to hit $4 before the years over. What does that do to people? fucking, you know, I mean, what does that do? All these little, we're just getting beat up as Americans right now. And listen, I'm not complaining. Like I said, I haven't beat up all my life. But when does it fucking end? We should catch a little break.

What do you think? I was the only guy that had a, I can't say, had a shitty holiday, but you think I was the only guy that was stuck at home for the holidays with COVID? I know 10 other fucking people. That breaks you a little bit. Didn't break me because what would I give a fuck at this point in the game? I've already jumped up and down for Christmases for fucking goddamn years. But it affected a lot of fucking people.

You know, now what about you live in Jersey, any other place? You wake up on Monday, they closed your school remote. You know what it's like to have your fucking kid at home for three weeks? Listen, I love mercy. I love my daughter. I love kids in the neighborhood. But kids need to fucking go out. Kids need to socialize.

Kids need to play sports. Kids need to do so many more things than we do. If not, I mean, listen, if it's between her and I, she eats and I don't. I got 50 pounds of fucking fat on me. I could live for fucking ever. But that's the way I go. I want her to have a fucking good life. How miss?

I'd rather fucking live in a closet and have a great bedroom and all that shit. But I think these kids are feeling. Again, remote for fucking three weeks, four weeks. You know, thank God our school is going to stay open and she gets in to socialize. And you know what? If a kid gets fucking COVID, they're not pushing the fuck.

Listen, if kids were dying from COVID, I wouldn't have my daughter out there. I wouldn't have my fucking daughter out there banging out every goddamn day. Okay, I would have her at home. But guess what? Kids aren't dying from fucking COVID. I know three kids right now that have COVID.

They have a slight fucking headache. And little fucking sniffles, they could have gone back to school, but they took city test on Saturday and Friday and it's registered with the city. So now the school's taking them out for 10 fucking days. So, you know, it doesn't, we're not winning in this. And yes,

It's a bad pandemic. I don't know how many people fucking dying anymore. I don't, listen, I don't believe nothing. And I love America. We always have like, you know, like a, yeah, but, listen, COVID, yeah, but nobody's in the hospital. Nobody's dying. You know, we always have a fucking excuse. You know what?

I don't know what the fuck's going on. But I know that right now we just need to be pushing. We need to stick to our shit. Like I woke up a little who bots Tuesday morning. And I got to be honest You know Elvis is dead And I don't feel so good myself today I'm a little shaking

I don't know about my future What the fuck I'm gonna do I don't know about my daughter's future All I know is that I have to get up every morning Give them love You know crack a few fucking jokes here in there Be here for my daughter Be here for my wife

And just stick close to the fucking house And that's what I've been doing I don't want to do dick anymore I'm to that age now Where I enjoy being close to the house I got tons of buddies close by I got tons of businesses that I frequent And I have a great time at

You know I don't need to go to New York City But what if I had to What if I had to for fucking work? I had to take a bus every day And walk in the city And you know Because they're stabbing motherfuckers Over there on a daily basis

I don't give a fuck what they're telling you See, there's what happens I'm gonna talk to you guys about what happens When you live in California And I get home at six Or whatever fucking time I get home And I put the TV on I watched the news.

How many times I've called Mike or Mercy's Godfather James or one of my friends and said, hey, this is really going on in New York City. And they're like, what are you talking about? We don't even know what you're talking about. Well, I'm just sitting here watching the news and it's telling me that, I don't know, people fucking get hit in head with chairs in New York City. They'll tell you no. That's not happening.

And then you move on. And I would get calls from people in Jersey or New York City or Boston when I lived in California telling me the same. Hey, you okay? Why? What happened? This happened in LA. Are you okay? You know, all the fires. Are you packed up? Did your house blow the fire? No. But we're told the wrong information on both fucking coast. They show you what they want to see you. I don't even know where I was going with this. But the point I'm trying to make here is that you wake up in the morning with the best intentions. That's what I do. I don't know what the day is going to take me anymore. I don't have a fucking day job. I don't have a comedy job anymore. I don't need to go to a fucking

audition. There's no more fucking auditions where you used to go down and talk to the studio heads. They don't want you in there. So my life has been thrown for a fucking loop also. I enjoyed auditions. When you're a comic and you go to an audition, that's your whole day. I'm trying to look to see, I lost my insurance through SAG this year. Uncle Joey's got no insurance near the Sharon Stone. I don't feel too fucking bad if Sharon. Sharon Stone missed fucking insurance this year with SAG. A bunch of people don't have SAG insurance. You don't even want to know what I have to pay for a family plan for SAG insurance. You guys want to know why I'm getting into the weed business?

Because I got to pay for fucking insurance. Insurance is fucking steep. But all that aside, when I joined the Screen Actors Guild in 1997, I remember how to go to like, you have to go like a fucking, what do you call those things where you go and they tell you itinerary, I don't know. You have to, once you join the union, they have like these things to welcome you in. and they tell you about all the benefits associated with SAG. I was told this to me, guys. I was told that if I had 45 years old,

and I was always level two, because they, whatever the fuck you call, you, after you're in the union 10 years, they call it something. I forget right now. Too many years of smoking dope. Like a teacher? Yeah, like you get, you earned that.

So after 10 years or 10, 10 years or 45 years old, you get level two for the rest of your life what's level two level one is great insurance no level two is great insurance except you get vision mental health uh two chiropractors a month and something else like once a month or something like that that's level one insurance but level two insurance ain't bad i got surgeries on level two insurance i fucking got glasses oh i didn't get glass on level two insurance I got something else. My hearing aids on level two insurance. I got level two insurance isn't bad.

Sorry about that. I got to take a little fucking vapor break. I got to keep the fucking lungs healthy. You know what I'm saying? You got to keep moving. Somebody asked me a day, how did you use your reefer in your therapy for COVID? Are you fucking retarded?

I didn't use, what do you think? I went to WebMD and said, how the fuck can I get Rifa into my therapy? I just didn't smoke, and I smoked that night when I needed it. I was a little scared. smoking but i gotta be honest with you i was fine it helped listen i've always been into smoking when i got a flu or something like that you know why you ever take a hit off a fucking good joint

and you start coughing and shit and start drooling and shit goes everywhere that's actually pretty good for your fucking lungs did you know that that when you cough like that it's actually good for your fucking lungs i did not know that i'm not saying if you smoke 29 000 marlborough reds every day and you're fucking, you know, no, I'm talking about if you cough, it's good for you. It's good for you. So that's what I used it as. It wasn't therapeutic. I smoked to get high, to watch TV at night, to fall asleep. Because I'm to the point in my life now where since I'm not a fucking Gavone anymore smoking 24-7, I could smoke. In fact, I'm going to be as honest as I can with you. I don't even know when the last time I smoked the joint was. I've been hitting that bubbler for the

three weeks when you have great weed if you got laughing gas or any of that products from ice cream shop or anything like that and you smoke you take three hits off that bubble i mean listen three hits could kill the regular human i'm not lying to you that that thing hits like a fucking savage but if you take three hits of that i'm pretty fucking good for the rest of the night i swear to god i got to go upstairs and get a bag of something at some point which is always a great fucking sign you know uh doritos which i'll do once every two weeks or something like that i'll try to drink like a protein shake or a fucking milkshake that's my speed or a milkshake a fucking apple a couple apples i've been into apples again i bought a bunch of fruit my wife i go honey buy a bunch of fruit

when i got the COVID i go just you know get some nice little fruit dog i had to throw it all away the only thing that was good were the fucking blueberries that's it everything Nothing tastes like everything. And listen, I didn't lose my taste with COVID. But like everything was raw. Like not raw, but it was like, I had melon, not that good. I had a watermelon, not that good. I got some strawberries.

They didn't even fucking taste like strawberries. The blueberries are really fucking good. And they're good antioxidants and all that shit. And the apples are good. But all the other fucking, what else did I got? I got like a melon, a water. a melon and there was something else i didn't get a mango i couldn't find a fucking mango and it's so funny i living in jerseys completely different from california when you live in california

everybody gives you tamales for christmas i used to give away tamales between silent bob couple of the mexican dudes they would drop off 10 rick ramos they would drop off 10 pork fucking tamales and then you bumped into a lady selling them there's always a woman selling them i couldn't get a fucking tamale in new jersey i got coquito like a a motherfucker. You ever drink Coquito? I got a bottle here. Coquito is a Puerto Rican

coconut with rum type drink. A little it's like Puerto Rican eggnog. That's what Coquito is. It's Puerto Rican eggnog. I had bought two bottles to support this blue, my friend's father's a cop and he sells them for

police officers, so I bought two bottles. The first night I had COVID, I couldn't fall asleep. I was like, fuck, I read somewhere that if you take I didn't know I had COVID at that point. I can't lie to you, motherfuckers. I had no idea I had COVID at that point. But somebody, I read somewhere

if you take like a milky protein and the shit I take to sleep, the kids, what do you give your kids to sleep when they're sneezing and shit? No, the other shit that puts them to fuck out for hours. Benadryl, oh, three or four Benadryls, you sleep like a fucking baby.

Too bad, I outgrew it now. I got two upstairs I might drop this afternoon and take a quick little net. But I took a, it said, a milky protein and some Benadry. And I'm like, I got Benadryl. And I got like milk. I could put protein powder in it. But wait a second.

I got coquito. So I went upstairs. I opened that bottle of fucking coquito. Now my buddy made me a bottle. That was no bueno. I love him to death, Eddie, Lisa, great people. But that motherfucker had so much rum in it. I drank a little bit of it and I got fucked up.

So I couldn't do that one. I had to be a mild madame. I went upstairs. I opened up one of those blue bottles of coquito. I brought it down here. I took my fucking, whatever the fuck you call him, Benadryl. Dog, I was taking little sips to that coquito. I ended up drinking the whole fucking bottle.

I looked at the bottle. I'm like, oh, I'm going to have to do 29,000 sit-ups tomorrow because this puts a lot of weight on you between the alcohol, the fucking rum, the cream. There's heavy cream in there, coconut milk. God knows what else is in there. there, Puerto Rican toenails. I don't know what the fuck was in there. I drank that motherfucker, and I could look at you as all in the eye.

I was not drunk. I was just fucking constipated. I don't know what the rum did to me. I don't know if I, rum don't work on, I'm Cuban. Rum don't do shit. I got so much rum in my veins from my grandparents and shit. It doesn't even affect me. But I drank that bottle one night.

Fucking delicious. But the next day, dog, I felt like baffing all fucking day. I didn't even touch the eggnog. Like, my wife bought America. American egg nog and I would look at it every day like I can't wait that fucking eggnog Maybe throw a little something in there. I don't know what to throw in there I like it just straight with a glass with ice cubes. Oh delicious. I didn't even drink the fucking eggnog because I drank so much fucking coquito. I felt fucking guilty from drinking an

eggnog so I was like I got to give the fucking coquito a break But man it's January fucking fifth and I feel uh I don't feel like my feet around the ground Like, it's just been such a wild fucking week so far. Like, I went to CVS. It looks like Mad Max in there. There's nothing on the fucking shells, you know? I'm running behind on stuff. I ordered some albums.

I just got a fucking note two days ago. The albums are running 10 days late. I don't know where the fuck they are. I got some pretty cool albums on eBay. I just wanted to take a chance and see what was out there. Not on eBay. I ordered some albums on one of the sites on there. Somebody sent me a site with, like,

heavy metal albums and shit like i got like judas priest uh the one that came out in 80 british steel that's a hard one to find in good shape i think i got one there but this one was the original one or whatever so i pay a little extra dough for it just to sprucing up the fucking uh uh album of the week just to get that going a little bit more because my two album shops closed i'm waiting for this artist to have a he has a fucking viewing every January. Jimmy took me last year. That's where I got the guns and roses,

and I think I got something else. No, I got the Led Zeppelin big one from the Garden in 77. And I got something else. Jimmy ended up getting, it was right after Van Halen died. Jimmy got a tremendous, Eddie Van Halen with him drinking champagne. Fucking tremendous.

We went there. We spent two or three hours. I remember it was in the middle of COVID. I had to wear my mask. I was taking, I just found the pictures the day. the decade that rocked. He took... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He took the pictures from Humphug and all that shit, you know, from that one club in the city. Great, just fucking great. So I'm waiting for him to see if they do that music screening this year. What was the name of? And here's the funny thing about that guy.

The guy that... This photographer... Like, I've had the pleasure of interviewing photographers the last couple years and stuff. They're interesting. motherfuckers. Very interesting. You know, they tell you this, like this guy here, I forget what his name is, he was in, I just saw,

that one night I was watching the, the, uh, Rick James documentary, he spent three weeks of Rick James and had to take pictures of him and shit. That's why I want to see him, because I want to ask him about Rick James. The last time I saw this guy, the photographer was, we did, remember I did Ozzy's Bone Yard for New Year's Eve last year, He was on deck after me But the thing about photographers, man They got balls of steel Whether it's the guy I had on

I can't remember what his name on Before I left L.A. Great guy. His wife was my coach He was like Guns and Roses, guitarist He was also He had that video we put on This was the weirdest podcast we did Because he did the podcast

And on the way out He goes, hey put that video on And we put a video on It was him with Jimmy Page and Arrow Smith and we're like what don't you tell us this during the podcast

and he goes well I never really thought of it I go all right so you went home I called him I said listen the podcast didn't work come back tomorrow

and do it again and this time open up with that fucking video so people know that you're a fucking savage you know and he told this story

but this guy had a tremendous story about being 15 and sticking the cameras and is buying oversized jeans and sticking the cameras and his jeans and the extra little black containers of film they used to be these

little black containers when we were kids like if you bought a bag of weed you got in an envelope but if you were really cool you got it in one of those fucking film containers i know a lot of you young guys don't know what i'm talking about but some of the old goats like me you know what the fuck i'm talking about they were if you went to the city to buy weed in those days they give you a yellow manila envelope a small one and it had a mark of where the weed was going to be filled to but if you got a good dealer, he'd fill it up a little fucking more for you, and you wrapped it up, and that was the end of that. If you were really cool, you sold weed in little film canisters.

Oh, my God, I still remember bringing the film canisters home. People are like, where'd you get those? You were like the cool kid on the block for like an hour until they realize you were dunts. Rob Halfman. Rob Halfren. Ross Halton. What's his name? Ross.

Ross Halfer. Ross Halfer. I think. No, no, no, no, no. That's one of the good guys. Yeah, this guy was on. He did, he took all these pictures. Sorry if I'm turning fucked up.

I got a little bit of a migraine headache. I had to take a couple Tylenol's and relax before Mike came here today. But listen, headaches, fucking toe jam, fungi toe, whatever it is. 800 milligrams of THC, 2,000 milligrams of THC. I try to always show up, man. I got a fucking headache. You know, we were going to do a Zoom. today but I figured

Mark Weiss is his name Mark Weiss is a fucking interesting guy It was one of the best days I had I had just gotten here And Jimmy's like you want to go To this rock thing The guy's got you know pictures

I didn't know what to expect I thought he's gonna have pictures Of local bands I opened the door He's got a picture of fucking You know Motley crew in there When they're like fucking 10

I was like where the fuck did you get this And he just started unloading on me And you know it's so weird how you know musicians want to be comedians comedians want to be musicians

you know last night I was watching two nights ago I was watching Monday night football and Snoop Dogg was on with the two brothers with the quarterback Peyton brothers you know I don't know if you watch

on that Monday night football but you can watch it regular with the regular fucking announcers or you can watch it with the Peyton brothers I always watch it with the Peyton brothers when I watch it. It's because they always have interesting fucking people on Monday night. They had on homie from fucking Green Bay.

That's the best podcast I had in a long time. They had homie from Green Bay, Snoop Dogg and Roger Goodell. And then after that I got bored. You know, I could just watch Monday Night Football fucking so long. But it was great to watch. Listen, man, a couple weeks ago I went on a fucking tear on Twitter. You know, I was watching Pittsburgh one night. I'm just, dog, I'm a fan of everybody here.

You want me to tell you I'm a fan of the Giants or whatever. No, I like all the fucking teams. I like them all for a different reason. Pittsburgh has been in my blood since, you know, I was a kid. Look what I got on today. Fucking Clemente. I love anything fucking Pittsburgh. Jimmy Florentine gave me this for Christmas.

Size 3X. It's nice. It's not that warm, but it was his anniversary on, uh, it was his death anniversary on a Saturday maybe. Yeah. New Year's Day is when Roberto Clemente, was fucking dead or when they found them dead i had no fucking idea but that's the day i found out he was dead he died on the way to monagua niccoagua bringing supplies for the dudes from

earthquakes so i was always loved pittsburg whether it was football basketball i don't like the penguins but i like the pirates also so i'm watching pittsburg i don't know who the fuck they were playing and they just look like shit they and ben rothlessberg or whatever is fucking name is, listen, I was a fan of his for a while. But then I went to Pittsburgh and people were telling me the horror stories about him and shit. And I was like, I can't watch this guy no more. But then I didn't watch football for a long time, so he didn't fucking matter to me. And I started fucking watching football two years ago.

I'm like, what is up with his head? Like, his head looks like my old cat. If you don't fucking cut a cat's dick off testosterone keeps growing in him, and his head gets really fucking big. If you've had a male cat and they're not fixed, Their fucking head is huge. That's what happened to Ben Rothenberger. I don't know what the fuck happened for that retard.

But I was watching them, and it was one of the worst. It was Thanksgiving weekend. And there was three fucking blowouts. That's what it was. And one blowout was justifiable. But the other one, Pittsburgh, was not justifiable. I grew up watching Jack Lambert and Jack Hamm and all these fucking savages. And, you know, Franco Harris and fucking, you know, the really good quarterback that's on NFL today.

I grew up watching these fucking guys And I'm watching this This wasn't even a close To fucking Pittsburgh football And after the game I was so upset I just took it to fucking Twitter I'm like what the fuck is going on here? And people were pissed at me

Pittsburgh people understood where I was coming from Because I explained myself I wasn't bashing him This was not the Pittsburgh I was used to fucking watch it all those years So I went off And then he was on Monday Night Football this week And I watched him

And I felt guilty about what I said You know His last game was Monday day at home. Thank God, they're shipping that big-headed fuck out. Hopefully they'll bring in Aaron Rogers or my man from Seattle and Pittsburgh will be back in their fucking glory days. Like I remember them and shit. Not this nonsense. I'm watching on TV now. I've been watching sports lately, guys, so I'm getting emotional about this shit, but it doesn't really matter. I had a good time Monday night. And like I said, this is the first

week of the year. People are still scattered. I'm fucking scattered. We're going to do the studio this week. Hopefully I got a couple days now. My mind is everywhere. You know, there's so many things I want to say and do. And there's so many ideas I have with this podcast, but I don't know where to fucking start. But this week, I feel a lot better all over the off week.

I'm going to move some shit around in here. And we're going to get this thing. Tip, top, Magoo. If not, I'll tell you what the other option I had, guys. I'm just going to go dark. I've been thinking about it. It's just going dark. No more YouTube.

videos, just audio. That's it. It's easier on me. I could just talk. I don't have to look in the camera and feel guilty anymore. I don't have to worry about my eyelashes or my eyebrows. I don't have to worry about my nose hair. I don't have to worry about what's behind me. And I could just talk and tell you

motherfuckers what's in my heart and do that for 45 minutes and move on. I do not fucking know. We're running all fucking scenarios here. Mike came up today. We'll install some speakers. So the sound quality is better that fucking thing that Ralphie gave me is good for like a little room not if you want to fucking smoke dope and listen to music it just doesn't cut it i want to start hooking uh

you know earphones and shit like that i'm getting all these new albums so i want to change this around guys listen sometimes you're fucking stale and i ran into covid and just i've had bad luck this year when it comes to fucking uh you know all this shit i mean in l-a i put the feelers out, I could find the garage in fucking 10 days like I did with that office. It just took a little while. I put feelers out fucking three months. I think I got like fucking five calls and everything has been, you know, 22, 30 fucking miles away. So the podcast right now, the joint, I'm just been a little confused. The COVID didn't help. The holiday didn't help. Me being down for a few weeks didn't help. But we're going to get this shape, fucking place up. Tip top, my goofy you.

I wish I could smoke some refa back here. I'm really missing smoking with you motherfuckers, but my daughter will be here, and I can't have a smil. Dad was in the backyard. I just spoke to my wife. My wife goes, we're having lunch somewhere.

We won't be home for a while. I was doing some work around the fucking house. I went in the backyard in the afternoon, my fucking, uh, it's really tough to smoke with that thing outside, too. I don't know if you guys understand. It's, I mean, I love freeze pipe and their products. I love their bongs.

but I got to be honest with you. If I take that big bong and smoking in front of my house, the cops will be here in 10 minutes. Anybody who sees that bong thinks it's like a fucking bomb. You know, I've showed it to people when they come over, when you have to build it.

Even the little one. Even the little bong is fucking dangerous. So I've had those like they're like showroom models. I don't want to smoke out of them. I use them for the podcast. take pictures of them. The bubbler I fucking used,

and people got mad at me, like, ah, you, the fucking, who gives a fuck? When I took the picture before, I had two bublers. I gave one to Mike. I kept the other one, and I didn't smoke out of it

because I had smoking out of the other one. So when I put the picture or the clean one up, people were like, what the fuck? Listen, you're not going to, and that's how I know the world's in bad shape. The internet responses, like the comments,

used to be bad 10 years ago. Now they're all over the place. People are still accusing me of killing Jesus. It's a fucking nightmare. So we keep fucking trying here. But besides that, I'm swinging, cock suckers. You know, like I was telling Mike, I don't know about stand-up. I don't know if my agents are going to call me and put me in a fucking movie.

Nobody knows what's going on right now. The numbers are high. All I know is I come here on Mondays and Wednesdays and bullshit to you guys. And hopefully, we'll make sense out of all this shit. I'm not making sense on all this shit I'm just as confused as you are We've been fucking They've been throwing information out of us

At such a high rate of speed The last two years That we all need a fucking breather You know If it was up to me I'd fucking disappear But I love you motherfuckers And I can't leave you in a wretch like this

The world is in a bad place And you motherfuckers need Uncle Joey And believe it or not Uncle Joey needs you cock suckers too You know I'm working hard I'm trying to put the pieces together with Patreon everything. I answer my messages. I make my videos. Let me tell you

some of the Patreon app. If I could light that fucking thing on fire, I would. Every fucking, you know how many nights I would sit in this table spend an hour. Fucking getting the music lined up. Getting it all ready for. Wait till I stopped doing music on Patreon for the intros.

It's an hour. And then you go to fucking put the thing down and you're like, that's not the song I played. It's playing like white lines. I'm putting up Sabbath, bloody Sabbath, and White Lines is coming up. So I got to call my niece. She's got to clean out the fucking hole, put it in there again. Then you got another fucking thing that's from July 18th.

So I just said, fuck it, I can't deal with this shit no more because everything's kicking my fucking ass. I said enough. You know, I love music. I love music to motivate in the morning. Nothing to motivate. Listen, as soon as I wake up in the morning, and I pee, I get up, I fucking, I got my dick in my hand. I'm peeing. I'm thinking about what I got to do that day.

But I'm also thinking about what song am I going to put on to make me want to stab three motherfuckers today. And by the time I fucking wash my hands from the first P, the song is already in my fucking head. This morning it was MSG on and on. I love that fucking jam. And there's Michael Jordan, Michael Schengen, the group, the second album 19, I think it came on in 80,

81 maybe it came out fucking the one side Michael Shankler's torturing that fucking guitar I listen to that in the morning and make me want to stab somebody so when I wake up in the morning I would get those I'd bring my fucking little computer back here

I get it all keyed up the fucking speaker and all of a sudden an hour of work and I can't download it on fucking Patreon I've had enough I've had enough so now I just go on there and yell in the morning get up stab a motherfucker stab your mother

I don't know, who the fuck knows. I was reading where that guy stabbed his mother and his father on Christmas Day in Long Island because of child custody and shit. And I'm like, it's getting fucking weirder by the day.

Christmas day, you're going to stab your mother and your father? It's a new fucking world out there. I'm just coming on here on Mondays and Wednesdays just to give you a little levity, just to show you, I'm fucked up too, but I'm halfway there. So please bear with me Next week's shows

It'll be a lot better We'll have the fucking Zoom I mean Zoom is it guys That's it That's it Unless they come up with Zoom plus Or something We need something fucking new

We've been zooming for two fucking years Everybody's fucking Zooming You know I watched That thing Monday night They're fucking Zooming And you say When is this fucking Zoom gonna end Then the numbers go up again

And we're right back Where the fuck we started from So Even the podcast Unless you're rogan and you can fucking blood test a guy when he gets there and shit like that. I can't afford that fucking machine. I looked into it. I can't even afford 10 tests.

They want $40 a fucking test now. I got them on sale for 18. Now they want $40 a fucking test. So I don't know what's going on. I'm just trying to do my best to keep you fucking sane, me sane, and my house sane. I love you, motherfuckers with all my heart. I'll be back Monday. Tip-top, Magoo, the tent.

and we'll talk some shit then. This is the first week. Let's just fucking write this off. Say hello to each other. We checked in with each other. And you motherfuckers know I love you. Have a great week, man. We got some great fucking games this weekend.

We got some great college basketball. We got everything now. I haven't watched sports in years, and I'm excited again about them. And yeah, I still draft king it. I love little draft kings. I had a great time with draft kings this weekend. But now I'm just watching college basketball

I haven't watched college basketball since fucking Michael Jordan fucking played. So that just goes to show you how busy I've been, cock suckers. I love you at all my heart. Stay black, have a great week, and we'll get this all fixed up, and I'll be back 100%.

Tip-top, motherfucker, McGoo. Monday to 10th, it's my daughter's birthday this weekend. I'm excited about that. I can't even have a party because everybody's getting fucking COVID. Can you believe this shit? That means if I was 14,

I couldn't even swap spit with a girl a sucker tinnies this week. because you might get fucking COVID. Not the other... Anyway, we're just having six little girls sleeping over. I love you, motherfuckers are all my heart. Laughing gas is in full effect. Still getting us fucking high.

Show me the back there. Boom. There you go. Is it upside down, no? Tremendous. Smells like fucking some guy crossing the border's feet. That's how good that shit smells. Where's the kids of the border?

They're probably fucking 20 by now. They're probably driving up the fucking coast by now. They don't talk about the kids on the border no more. What happened? If you know where they are, hit me up. Hey, what happened to the black kid that had flies on them? Same thing. I want to know what happened to the black kid with the flies,

and I want to know what happened to the kids in the border. Nobody's talking about them no more. There was thousands of them in cages, and now they disappeared. I don't know. I seen the little Mexican kid in Freehole last week. I was going to ask him, hear one of those tin fucking blankets on this shit. I love you, motherfuckers. Stay black.

Have a great week. And Uncle Joey still has it somewhere in there. I love you, motherfuckers. All right, you bad motherfuckers, I want to thank you guys for putting up with this ear beating on a beautiful fucking Wednesday. You know what, man? You have good days and you have bad days. I've been struggling a little lately, and I'm sorry about it,

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Have a great week. And I'll see you, motherfuckers Monday morning. Tip-top, Magoo.