The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #132 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: January 24, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT..... It's Monday, January 24th.... Today's podcast is presented by ONNIT & The ONNIT 6 CHALLENGE! This episode is brought to you by DraftKings, Liquid IV & Better Help….. Download the DraftKings SportsBook App & Enter Code: JOEY https://www.DraftKings.com/sportsbook to receive $280 in Free Bets when you Bet $5…. Go to https://www.BetterHelp.com/DIAZ Use PROMO CODE: DIAZ for 10% OFF your 1st Month! Go to https://www.Liquid-IV.com Use JOEY at checkout for 25% OFF! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

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Again, LiquidIV.com use promo code joy. I'm going to give you 25% off anything when you use promo code Joey at Liquidiv.com. Experience better hydration with Liquidiv.com. you savages let's get this party started jack what's happened you bad motherfuckers it's monday the 24th of january we're almost there i missed you little fuckers i didn't see you all last week we had a cavodial situation here on the joint uncle joey's joint so we're sorry about wednesday we were able to put up monday morning wednesday i had a lot of people hitting me where's the fucking podka hey listen cocktucker did you not see the fucking memo on

Monday that we put out. We had a convoyal situation. We're putting the podcast up a little later. But hey, people still need their podcast. So we're fucking back, motherfucker. Feeling good, looking good. I'm three weeks away from being 59.

I'm not excited about that fucking age, especially with all these comics punching the fucking ticket. My heart goes out to Louis Anderson, his family, my man Scott Day, who was a good friend of Louis. He used to be a talent coordinator. At the comedy store when I got there, my heart goes out to those guys.

And my heart goes out to Bob Sagitt and his family. I know I didn't post any pictures of me hugging with both of them and jumping up and down and, you know, crying on a video telling you how much they meant to me or even writing a song. I thought about writing a song for Louis Anderson, but, you know, give me a fuck and break, people. They were both great fucking. I didn't even think about meatloaf. I didn't give a fuck. Meatloaf, I'm not even thinking about you.

You know what I'm saying? I like paradise by the dashboard light, but once I looked at you, I moved on back to Robert Plan. I wasn't a big fucking fan. I'm meatlo. But at least I'm being honest with you guys. That's what's lacking today.

That nobody came out and said, you know what? Betty White could suck my dick. She was about to turn 100 anyway. What's the big fucking deal? Like, people like Betty White done. What did you think her next train step was? What did you think she was headed?

Last I checked, once she hit 65, you're going any fucking day. If she made it to 99, light a candle, have a drink for Betty White. Watch the fucking Golden Girls. I don't know what to tell you. People die. Do you understand me? We die.

We're going to die, whether you're fucking Brad Pitt or whether you're fucking Obama. Everybody's got to punch the ticket at one day or another. So, you know, Betty White died. Isn't that a shame? Not for nothing. She was 99. She had one foot in a grave. And the other one in a banana peel for fucking real.

So, you know, I loved her. She made me giggle when I was a kid. kid, but, you know, people want you to do these big fucking memorials for people when they die now. When do you find time to do this fucking memorial? When did you find time to write a song for Bob Sagget? I never. Have you heard this song?

I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what to tell you. You know what I'm saying? I don't know. I'm not, listen, to each his own. Everybody wants to be a composer. Me, I just want to fucking come on here twice a week. Bullshit with you savages.

Tell you the truth about what I'm feeling and how I'm doing. And that's it. What the fuck you want from me? I'm running out. Listen, if you think I want to come on here every Monday and Wednesday and tell you another story, guess again. Go on Sickless podcast. I got plenty of stories on there.

You know, even though a good story on a Monday, it's not a bad fucking idea. But guys, I'm not going to, you know, I'm trying to search for shit to tell you Cuckuckuckers. I don't have the life I did. I'm not going through airports, shoplifting water no more, sitting next to fat people, farting on planes. I fucking took a big chunk.

I don't even go to a weed store anymore. That was part of my day. I love going to weed. Whether I have two pounds of wheat at the house or a fucking seed. I went to the weed store. That's what you do. You mingle. Hi, how are you?

Good to see you. Oh, you got any vitamin two water? Oh, see, remember when they had the CBD water? I was drinking that shit till I bled out of the fucking ass. That CBD in that water fucked me up. But I went to the weed store every day. At least you see some people up there. Hi, I want something that gets me high, but not really.

I don't feel like eating apples afterwards. I mean, and you see, I love that shit in California. There was two specific weed stores that I would go to just to torture people. And just to see people torturing these poor fucking young kids and asking them a bunch of questions, then they want to give you a dollar tip. Listen, and I would tell the fucking pop clerks, listen, tell these fucking people to go fuck themselves. They come in here. I don't really want to smoke marijuana, but my son said I should try.

a vapor, you know. My son says I should try a vapor, but I don't want it to make me hungry. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're at the wrong place, okay? Go up the corner to the Insane Assailant. Maybe they got something for you over here. When you come in here, it's to get high, cock sucker. I want my eyes to be red.

You understand me? I want to eat Doritos. Why the fuck do you get high for? To do what? To drink wine with your faggy fucking friends? Go fucky-so. I drink wine to get munchies, to giggle, listen to fucking music. you know, I got a tremendous album of the week this week for you, Patreon motherfuckers.

We're turning it up. We're switching it up. I got new music for you. Even music. What am I going to talk to you about music for? I don't know about music. I follow Eddie Trunk. Have you ever seen it?

Follow Eddie Trunk. Follow Eddie Trunk and look at the guys he goes on, like, Eddie does those festivals every week and shit. Have you seen that shit? And I got to tell you, man, all these festivals, they got to happen in Florida. because I've never seen ugly people like that in all my fucking life. And I've been to Munozaki, New Jersey. I don't know where the fuck they do these tours at. You know, Eddie tapes him from the back.

I love Eddie of death. He's a music fucking God. I love him with all my heart. But when I see him post those pictures with these old geezers and they're out there and they got the long hair and you're like, wow. Oh my God, this is not good. And people in the audience are my fucking age with like docking T-shirts on, jumping up and down.

Listen, God bless him. God bless them. You know what I'm saying? I know you work for Amazon all week. And this is the big fucking deal at the end of the week. But there's got to be something better. There's got to be something better. I can't do it. I can't go to one of those concerts. When I go to a concert, I want to see young people.

I want to be inspired. I want them to bring me life. I don't want to see guys that are up there talking about, you know, we can't drink no more. Because, listen, I can't listen to that shit no more. all at all. I like my little records. You know, I sit here, I smoke some dope at night, I come out. I was telling Mike, you know, when you get COVID,

you lose your mind. Listen, people talk about the COVID. You know why people die? I'll tell you why people die. Because you're by yourself for fucking five fucking days. That's why you die. You're like, this is as boring as can fucking be.

This, what they call this shit? I got to go equal-like, whatever the the fuck it is. You've got to go hide by yourself. Hyburn? No, the other one, when you fucking go and, you know, what they tell you, you have to do whatever. Quarantine. Quarantine means debt. Quarantine, you could just jerk off so many times. You know what I'm saying? Plus you got a headache.

So if you lay your head the one way and you bang a lefty, you're all done. You know, there's nothing to fucking do doing quarantine. Like, they should just have like a county jail. Like if you would get a COVID, come on down. Come on down. There's plenty of things. You can play fucking, you know, so everybody's got COVID in there.

So you got like 20 people COVID. Your immune system will get stronger. And you're in there playing shuffleboard with other people breathing on their neck, blackjack, right or wrong, a casino for COVID people. I'm going to work on it right fucking now. And you heard it here. I'm going to call Pete Davidson and go, Pete,

that little boat you got to going back from Brooklyn to fucking Staten Island? I got even a better scam. People with COVID. That's it. Everybody in there were fucking those bee helmets on. and you come in, you gamble, you know what I'm saying,

if you get a little hard at that, because it is so fucking boring to quarantine. Between the books, the TV, listen, television is at an all-time fucking horror show. It really is. I don't know if you people watch TV. Listen, I have friends that tell me the shows they watch, and I want to stab them to get them out of their fucking misery

because you don't sit there with some fat chick every night and watch that shit. I can't fucking do it no more. I don't know what you motherfuckers are watching. watching. Football's got me for about, like football's almost over. Great games this weekend. Fucking, uh,

the intervectum backfired on fucking the guy from Green Bay. Everybody's hating on Joe Rogan right now because the guy from Green Bay, Aaron Rogers fucking tank. Listen, as soon as they lost, I was like, that intervectin backfired on having Rogers and shit. Uh, great fucking games, you know.

I don't even know who else played. I didn't watch the UFC card. I'm not paying 75 bucks to see two black guys beat each other up. I already did that. I could do that for $3. Just put a Black Lives Matter fucking rally on. And you can see black people throwing fists flying through the fucking air. I'm not paying the big $75.

I wanted to watch Moreno against the other guy. And I actually put a bet on fucking Montgomeryoff's brother, you know, the fucking whatever. I forget what his name. I don't know. Guys, this is what happens when you smoke weed. again, okay? You start remembering the Macabble to go off,

whatever's going to Kabebe's brother. That's what I'm trying to fucking say. Kabeb's brother that I didn't even want, dog, I didn't even see the fucking prelims.

I went to, I was supposed to go to dinner with my brother Saturday night, right? And we were supposed to go to some place in Southam Boy,

I don't know, fucking Sayerville, me, my brother, my wife, and my daughter, fucking steakhouse is the best fucking steak

around $58 and what are you going to do? If you go to fucking supermarket, they want 24 for a steak. I might as well have a Mexican marinated throw in the oven and give me a fucking baked potato with it. So, I don't know. Saturday I woke up, I wasn't feeling too good. My daughter wasn't feeling good.

We went to eat something, and her stomach hurt. So we just came home and chilled out, and I had to do shit around the house. Obviously, I went to the gym. I fucking walked. By the way, whoever referred to walking to me, Lee Syatt, I'm fucking loving it. And listen, it was rough.

about two weeks but forget about it like I told you motherfuckers you throw on some music and you take two little fucking hits off that freeze pipe bubbler you'll be walking the fucking Saigon and back I'm loving it I'm walking like double of what I was walking just by putting on fucking music am I losing weight no but I'm getting stronger I feel good you know what I'm saying I go out it's been cold the sun comes out listen I put the hooded sweatshirt shirt on like I did today you go outside get a little vitamin D. It ain't that cold that you can't. It's like 30-something degrees

that you can't go outside and get a little sun. We're supposed to get snow again this week, twice, whatever. Hey, people are like, we're getting snow. It's fucking January. That's what it's supposed to do. It's supposed to be cold.

January and fucking February. Why are you surprised? But anyway, what are we talking about here? Last week, what I did miss talking to you guys about was I missed the anniversary. It was my... 39th anniversary, maybe 41, who's counting? You know what I'm saying?

41, 39, it's all the same. It's not even on the fucking computers no more from my first arrest last week. And, you know, sometimes I get high at night because I got to do the, I got a fucking, do an outline for Erica to write the book. You know, we're, oh, my God, we're almost out of this motherfucker.

We're on, we're on the 2007 fucking team. the last four years and how I felt and what I was going through. Pretty fucking interesting, you know, how we put this book together, Eric and I now. It's close to the end. There was nothing really happening in my career. We're about to shoot the Netflix special. We're about to do the Sopranos and just personal shit was going on with Mercy and my wife. They were getting sick of California.

And that's pretty much, that's the rest of the fucking book. And what I've learned to wrap up, boom, fucking go over the beginning. again have that motherfucker in by March 2022 we spoke to my agent to talk to the book publishing maybe you know they want to put it out in May of 2023 I can't wait and neither can you we can't wait for this shit

we got to get this out November of 2022 that's what I was fucking hoping but who knows we'll find out and I'll keep you motherfuckers posted so like I was saying in the beginning listen for you people who asked I met Louis and Saget

at the store you know when I met Bob Sagitt I was fucking blown away if you want to know that I saw him up at the front bar and I walked out there this had to be in 98

and we had a little chit-chat and maybe a few weeks after that I met Louis Anderson, Mitzie Shaw introduced them to me a fucking sweetheart you know I didn't know what to expect from listen when I moved to L.A.

For you people who want to know like you know how do you treat celebrities or what do you do when i moved out i i assumed two things i assumed one i was gonna at the comedy store especially i was going to meet a lot of celebrities i mean my first night in the comedy store as an open micer i saw the guy from uh the last dragon the star of that movie was at the comedy store lou gossett the guy that won the academy award for fucking uh office and the gentleman The first night I walked in the comedy store was like January 28th, 1997. We're going up on an anniversary this week.

I think Friday will be, yeah, fuck, since I moved from Seattle to L.A. We left, I don't know, around this time. Yeah, we left Seattle on a Sunday night. It could be the anniversary right now. No, no, no, no, because we left like 10 days before. we left Seattle we had a fucking dog an RV

and a car following the fucking RV you know we had it on a hitch and when we got to San Francisco the fucking frame broke on the RV like the fucking

the tires I swear to God there was a flat and when they went to pick up the RV to tow it the back fucking axle just fell off

and was going the indifferent tremendous I just held my head When shit like that happens, you're like, you know what, what are you going to do? It looks like I'm staying in San Francisco for a week, and that's what happened. We ended up staying in San Francisco. I performed every night at Rooster T. Feathers.

I went to a different place every night and did a guest said. That's what I did back then. I went out at night. And then we drove into L.A. on a fucking Monday. We got into L.A. maybe seven o'clock at night. We took showers in the fucking RV like animals. We went to Acapulco You know people were telling me as soon as you go to L.A.

Call me up and I was like Fuck you I got one destination motherfuckers And that's the comedy store for the open mic And I fucking went down there And Wheels is there Eddie Griffin was there Just these are the people

I remember from the first night man I was like fuck I gotta be in here I remember I asked Don Barris If I could go up And Don put me up and I ate a bag of dog shit but it didn't matter to me because

you know I was going up there and that was going to go on my resume the first thing I did when I got home I was putting fucking the comedy store on my resume and I was prepared to like if I saw those guys on the first fucking night and there was just an open mic

who was I going to see in the future so I prepared for that but I also did something that a lot of people don't do even in 98 in 97 I was like listen one thing I am going to do is I'm not talking to these motherfuckers. Like, I'm not talking to these big time comics unless they talk to me.

And that's how I really handled that situation. So if you're a young comic or whatever, you know what? You want to get to a comic? Don't go up to him and tell him he's your favorite comic and blah, blah, blah. Go on the stage when you know that he's watching you and blow it the fuck up. Trust me, I see any comic blow up a fucking stage at any level, at any room I was in. ask around. I would go up to a comic and say, that was a very funny fucking set. You know, you know, a little encouragement never fucking killed anybody. You know, sometimes now,

in today's world, I used to always go up to a woman and go, hey, man, that was a great set. You're very funny. Whatever now, it's a different era. You can't do that. But there was a time, you know, Tammy Pasquitelli was here this weekend. She was performing at Uncle Vinny's down in Point Pleasant. I saw she was coming to town And I called like Wednesday night I go hey I don't know if you got a hotel yet I have an extra room here my wife You know we know my wife knows Tammy from the comedy store

We were all there in 98 99 Busting our fucking umps Even longer Tammy was there for a few years after I mean yeah she was tight with Mitzie You know Tammy was one of the guys You know me or Rogan I still remember us going to fucking eat At a Pink Dot after our shows

Just 10 of us would walk the pink dot. It was a great time. Ari, Duncan, you know. So I called a Wednesday night. I go, Tammy, I know you're coming to town. If you don't need to get a hotel, you know, you might as well save 200, 300, 300 bucks. Just stay here.

We got plenty of fucking room. She was like, no, I'm staying at my sister-in-laws. But I love that you reached out and I love to see you. So, you know what, man? I was thinking about Saturdays in a hotel room. I don't know what you fucking think of comic. does on a Saturday in the whole time room. You know, for me at first, I would always be hung over from the night before.

You know, I would get up, eat, and then go on search for the Coke for that night. That's when I was a feature act, and I was on the road, and I was opening for Rogan. I didn't give a fucking bite in my career. But once you become a headliner, you know, you take your days a little bit more seriously, but there's no other way to say this. Those Saturdays in the hotel room, it fucking sucks. especially when you're in a comedy club because you're in that room

you got that Thursday night Friday you maybe went to the gym maybe went to lunch maybe did a little radio so at least you did something Friday night you go back to your hotel room Saturday there's no radio there's not much of fucking anything

if you're a headliner you get up maybe eat breakfast at the hotel maybe go somewhere for breakfast to get out and walk around maybe do a little workout at the gym I always thought, I looked at my bag about two months ago. I had to go in there to see if I had rolling papers one night. I got rolling papers in my bag and I had them in my bag.

I was prepared for everything when I was on the road, like everything. My suitcase had eyed buds in it, fucking backup sleep apnea mass shit, rolling papers. I had vitamins on the road, band-aids, fucking if you cut yourself, shit, shaving that stick you fucking paint yourself with i had that shit on the road nail clippers there was a bag in my suitcase that had everything in that motherfucker so i would be prepared if i went on the road you know backup computer stuff backup charges you know aspirins i had so i went through and i'm like wow i really had this down when i fucking you know when i was traveling i had it down to a fucking science. I mean, things happen

that you don't have control over, but I always brought swim trunks with me just in case. The hotel had a heated pool or steam bag. I was always one step ahead of that motherfucker. And that's what, you know, 30 fucking years, Joey, you're prepared. And I didn't, listen, by

no way that I fucking write the book. I copy it from Doug Stanow. I saw Doug's fucking travel car before I got into comedy. He stayed at my house in Boulder maybe 1993, he stayed as a feature act

and then he came back like two years later as a headliner and he stayed at my house and I remember walking down to his car with him and looking at this car going wow

wow this guy had everything in this fucking car books a suit a steam bat you know everything was in that trunk fucking neatly put in there and that's

you know You got to be efficient when you're on the road. And when I had my fucking road car, forget it. I did the same thing. Frisbees, basketballs, footballs, a skateboard. Have you ever seen me on a skateboard? No. But you might as well bring one.

You don't know who you're going to meet on the fucking road. I had everything in that fucking trunk. And I was fucking prepared. So what I'm saying is on Saturdays, a comic just gets bored. So I said, do you want to come over and eat? So we hooked up. My daughter had a play date. So we took care of that.

and then she came over and me and my wife and Tamick just went out a bite to eat and just talked about old times and, you know, just talked about what was going on and how the store was back then. And she brought it up.

We were talking about all the people that it was really different. Like, I still remember having conversations with he passed away, not, not, he used to have a show on HBO and he used to, date Sarah Soerman. I forget what the fucking great guy,

Gary Shanling. Like Gary Shanling. I remember being a fucking in jail and watching the Gary Shanling show on HBO. I still remember being in Boulder County fucking jail waiting to get bailed out. And on a Thursday night, because in Boulder County jail back then,

back then in 1987, Boulder County Jail was a fucking paradise. Listen, people in Boulder County Jail got arrested to go to Boulder County Jail. If you were tapped out, you were having some problems at home with your parents and shit like that,

you went out, you broke a window, you called somebody a cocksucker or a racial slur, and they'd give you 60 days in Boulder County, and I saw those guys. They would walk in there like they were going to the fucking playmate, playboy mansion, because they knew they were going to get cigarettes. You got free cigarettes at Boulder County Jail.

I'm not talking about Marlboro, Marlboro Lights, they gave you a bugler and they gave you, hey listen, when things are bad, bugler works. How do I know? Because I smoked that shit inside a couple of times with a little piece of fucking, they would put a hash in it in Boulder, and you take two

hits by the kitchen, woo! That bugle gets you fucked up and it gives you bad fucking breath and your teeth decay quickly, you understand me? I'm not a dentist, I'm not fucking, you know, but I used to hit that fucking bugler. They give you packs of bugler. And I

get the bugle and trade it for fucking Kool-Aid. You know Uncle Joey, dog, I had the fucking bugler combination and the milk. A lot of bodybuilders in there at County Jail. And they want their milk to make protein shakes. I swear to God. Fucking hilarious.

So plus Boulder County Jail back then had carpeting on the floors and shit. In the general population areas, like if you Boulder County Jail wouldn't class You don't classify you like sticky fingered cock sucker.

No, they classified you like how long you were in there and how your behavior was. So first, I don't know what they called the indoctrination. You were up till nine. And then if you made it out of there, you went to a different color and you were up till 10. Then if you made it out of there, you were like in fucking red, you made it to 11. And then the next fucking step in the game, if you made it up there, you were up to like one. And they had cable TV. So you go in Boulder County.

You think I'm fucking kidding you. I remember when I got into comedy in 92, in 91, I was hosting at the broker, and there was a fucking article on the front page of the Boulder broker. At that time, the Boulder broker was the club I worked at the... Whatever the fuck the name of the newspaper wasn't Boulder. You know, a lot of newspapers in my life.

But in the front page, they said that Colorado had two jails that were in the top five jails in the country. like they did like a fucking intermediate survey in jail and everybody wanted to go to Aspen number one and Boulder was number two that's the way it was for year because Aspen didn't really have a jail

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slash Diaz, D-I-A-Z. That's BetterHelp.com slash Diaz. BetterHelp, B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P-L-P-D-S. And check out BetterHelp's new podcast, Getting Better on Apple, Spotify, and everywhere else you get your podcast. Back to the podcast, Savages. Aspen threw you in like some fucking county place. That's what Ted Bundy, listen, Ted Bundy escaped from there.

And that was still the jail they had in 1992. The same jail was like a fucking cell in Aspen County Courthouse. They don't have a fucking jail or a county jail. I think you got to go all the way to Glenwood Springs. But if you got arrested in Aspen, they're nice people in Colorado. They don't want you to go to county jail. So they keep you in fucking Aspen, and they would bring you in catering

from all the restaurants in the area. Who wouldn't want to do that? You're up there eating fucking French food, you know, Tibetan food, whatever the fuck they got in Aspen because people eat all that crazy shit. Sorry about that cough. I'm still getting flashbacks of the COVID,

and the weed don't help, but who gives a fuck? I got one foot in the grave, one of Benetapil, just like Betty White. When you're a comic now, you've got to be sweating if you're fucking old. After Betty White, not what Betty White wasn't a stand-up from the store, but after Bob Sagin and fucking my man over there, you got to be saying to yourself, who the fuck is next? So that's how I've been feeling lately.

That's why I've been taking a fucking multivitamin, a new one. I'm drinking some purple shit from my fucking joints so it don't hurt as much. But anyway, we were talking about this comedy store thing with Tammy and who was up there. Guys, there used to be a lot of older guys when I got. up there for about four years we had Alan Stevens we had I'd see Lenny Clark come in from time to time another one of my fucking idols you had Charlie Hill the Indian dude you had Bob Sagitt you had you know Louis Anderson were coming and visit Mitzi you know on Saturday nights if Mitzi was there all these tremendous comics would come down some that you

heard of and some that you've never heard of that you know I just Comedy had moved them. There was a lot of guys that came to the store back then on Saturday nights. Then had moved on to producing, writing. Yeah, you had your Sagitts and you had your, I can't even, Gary Shanlings, you had your Andrew Dice Clay's, you had your Judy Golds, you had a lot of older names that were coming. And I got to tell you, man, I never had a beef with none of the old.

I stayed away from them for as long as I. could i never got in the way of gary shanling i never spoke up there until i was spoken to so once they started talking to me you know it's not like gary shanling was down there every fucking night it not it's not like bob sagitt was down there every fucking night it's not like louis anderson was down there every night when i first met louis he still had his he would only come in like during the week because he had his uh show out in Vegas and it was doing great and louis would come to the to actually take talent from the store to use them as openers. I'll never forget that.

And I'll never forget having a conversation on why he couldn't use me. And guys, I did nine years on the fucking church. I did two years, a year or two with Felicia. And we got two years on this. You've never heard me say the conversation Louis and I had on why I couldn't work from. he came to me as a man and he goes hey man you're a funny dude and shit I would love to use you on my show

but I do an all family show I do a lot of old ages a lot of all ages show where any age could come and people bring in their 13 year old grandson to see me and Louis I learned one thing from Louis man in fact I went to see Louis

when I was out in Vegas working that that Catch a Rising Star I used to work at the fucking hotel with the swords and shit. And I remember one night I had an early. I was a feature act. I wasn't headlining yet. So I got out of there and caught Louis' act.

I'll never forget one thing. Louis did on stage. Louis, before he went on stage, he would find out who had a birthday and he would go in his fucking pocket. Not the hotel, not the casino, not anybody else. Louis would go in his pocket and buy roses for any woman. for any woman that was coming to the show.

And I remember that I watched the whole show and he was fucking funny as shit. And I remember that he came out. I don't know if anybody else did this. A lot of you guys are going to listen to this and go, Joey, what the fuck? We've been to Vegas shows before. It has been, I don't know.

I saw Louis do it first. And that's why it inspired me so much. And I got what Louis did. He gave them roses, not like he called them up to the stage. He walked his chubby little ass out to him and said, this is for you for coming. And let me tell you something.

The night I went, there was maybe six women. He gave roses to, I think five of them just broke out into tears. They were like grandmas and older moms that their husbands had surprised them with Louis or whatever. And I'll never forget how I felt about that. Like, I'm like, that could be my fucking mother. And Louis is going out of his way to give that money. to give that mom flowers, to make her Vegas weekend. Complete. Whatever it cost them, 50 for the dozen, 60 for the dozen, that's $300.

And yes, Joey, he was making $20,000 a night. But just that anybody could send somebody to get you roses and to fucking give them to you in the hallway. No, Louis stopped his fucking show and walked out there with the roses and was like, here, thank you for coming to my show. he would shake the husband's hand, then he would have the whole place, give her a fucking applaud. Jesus, my heart sank.

I remember going up to Louis after and going, bro, it was a great show, but you fucking destroyed these women like you fucking, they'll never forget this. They're going to go, you know, it's like a chubby chick going, well, fucking, what's the dude from fucking, what's the dude that was in vacation

that's been a fucking celebrity in Vegas for like 80,000 years? He was like a Vegas look-a-like. I don't even know. He still, I don't know. He was like in Vegas family vacation. Whenever they went to Las Vegas that time, Wayne Newton.

Wayne Newton. Like Wayne Newton. Have you ever you got on to a Wayne Newton? So listen, I'm not a fan of fucking Wayne Newton's. If you want me to sit here and go, oh, I love Wayne Newton. No. He looked like the fucking model for Mad Magazine.

I don't know. I didn't, wasn't a big, but I'm a fan of fucking performers. So I caught. What's his name? Years ago, in fact, I caught him when I worked the fucking the sports advisors with Stu Feiner. I'll never forget that somebody had tickets for... Every night they had tickets for different shit.

Circus DeSalé. That's who I went to fucking Circus DeSalé with. I went with the sport guys. And they told me not to fucking get high or nothing. And I got super high. And when I was sitting in whatever, Deschalet, whatever the fuck it is, some guy came up to me, tapped me in the show, and they go, put your hands.

up. I'm like, why, you robbed me? And they go, no, no, put your hands up. When they got on my fucking hands, and I had to push them up while they held, and I was fucking sweating that they were going to fall backwards and break their neck. But yeah, I always went, whenever I went to Vegas, I always caught those type of shows.

Just to learn. If you're going to be a performer, you've got to fucking learn. You know, sometimes I went to, one night we were doing Connecticut, and me and Rogan, a bunch of us shot over and caught Donna Summer. And she was Christian by then. She wasn't singing like, you know, Love to Love You Baby and all that shit.

But what I'm saying was, like, what I took from Louis was how he talked to the women after the show and how he made people feel. So when I saw him a few weeks later, I'm like, listen, you're going to have to give him fucking roses and, you know, like a free pass. I get why I can't open for you. And we were tight friends after that. What do you mean by tight, Joey? Whenever I saw him at the store, we'd discuss comedy. how he was doing. I remember he wanted a diet and got healthy.

I saw him why he was doing the Zach Galafinacca show, and he was telling me that he was working out and blah, blah, blah. And he was really trying. So, yeah, I'm going to miss Louis. Louis told me a few things about comedy that were interesting. The same way Andrew's done, the same way Bob Sagitt has done. You know, Bob, again, I didn't know Bob, like the way I know Joe. I didn't know Bob the way I know Duncan.

I didn't know Bob the way I knew Ari. But I knew Bob. Bob were coming to the store. We'd bullshit a little bit. You know, I met Bob in 98. I asked him for advice on being dirty. Guess what? He gave me the best advice in the world,

which is keep pushing him and keep aggravating them and keep being dirty. Don't change for a TV show because they're not going to change for you. So I took Bob Sagitt's advice to heart, and I was like, wow. So, again, I was, I don't even know if I got a picture of Bob Sagitt.

I don't even know if I got a picture of Louis Anderson. If I look, I might have like a fucking couple of us doing like a Tuesday night or a benefit up at the store like from 2003 or 1 or something. But even if I had those pictures, I wasn't going to show it up. Everybody's doing that. I decided to do something different. I wanted to think about what my relationship was with them and bring it to you guys here.

And that's it. we move the fuck on. I'm not going to sit here. And, you know, it's just, it's just getting weird out there, guys. And I don't know. I was telling Mike that, you know, they, last week, the podcast went up on fucking Monday or something. There was no problem.

And then I went to look at it two days later when we didn't post on Wednesday. And it was 18 and fucking under. You know what I'm like? And then I went back up on Friday to look for something. and I saw that they had put a couple of our videos under 18. You got to fucking login and shit. You know what?

I don't even know what my fucking logging is on that shit. I can't even re-watch him or watch them to see what we talked about because I can't even log in. I got to have to set up a new fucking password and shit like that. So my thought is this, guys, I got a couple options here. One option is I can just shut down the YouTube or leave what I got on YouTube and start training.

transferring videos to another platform. If they want to void this out for the... Listen, it's not like I'm smoking dope on here anymore. It's not like I'm fucking playing music on this motherfucking no more. All I'm doing is it's the language. We're not doing anything. And we're not even talking about the shit we were talking about before. You know, it's been very calm here.

I mean, like, I was telling somebody a day that the reason why I'm so upset about them, you know, fucking whatever on YouTube, Well, listen, I knew the day was going to come. I knew that they didn't like when I smoked on the videos. I knew that I was getting a little slack. I was getting flagged. For every five times I smoked weed on here, I would get flagged one out of five times.

But guess what? There was a time when I never got flagged at all. So, like Mike and I were discussing, you don't know what you're going to say or what you're going to do to get flagged. There's some podcast. and I go fucking raw on. I do everything but take my nutsack out on those motherfuckers.

Remember I took my nutsack out? The fucking comedy store won at somebody. TikTok dropped it right there. They stopped the feed. And, you know, like for a guy like me, man, it hurts my feelings a little bit, and it fucking knocks the wind out of my sales. Because I still remember that day,

it was, you know, a month or two after the pandemic. It was like March 5th or something like. that. No, no, no, no. It was like April when we did that benefit. And, you know, we hadn't seen each other. People were fucking freaking out. People were having a hard time. You couldn't touch your mail and shit like that. So we decided to do this benefit for the comedy store. La Luka, if you have anything to do with the comedy store, you know I'm Buck Wild. I mean, ever since I had my daughter and I got married and I got a little older, let's be honest with each other. Ever since I started seeing

gray hair on my balls, I don't want to show them to no body. That's not good look. That's not a good look. My balls used to look good when I was in my late 30s. There was no wide. You know, now my hair and my dick looks like those concerts, any

whatever goes to, any trunk goes to those guys on stage that have like that dry, brittle white and black hair. That's what my fucking nutsack, my dick and all those hairs around there. Manscape. I love Manscape. I'll tell you why I love manscape.

Somebody complained to me about manscape and I'm like, let me tell you something, motherfucker. You're wrong on that. That ceramic blade, that fucking thing cuts through my white hairs. You have no idea when you're trimming your dick or your balls or even your hair or your eyebrows. Let's work with my eyebrows

here. Like if I go upstairs and I help my wife and I go, honey, help me set this up so I could do my eyebrows. I used to cut my eyebrows. They were like butter. They were like butter. They were like butter for years That's it A couple hairs fall down

You brush it off your thing Now it's like Every time that fucking ceramic blade Touches a white hair You fucking feel it You'll feel like a little The black hairs are nothing You know why?

Because there's nothing left in them They're like ghost My black hair's like grayish They're like fucking ghost There's nothing left them They just blow apart There's nothing The black

All the nutrients went into the fucking white hairs or I think so because my fucking white hairs you can't cut them you need like a fucking razor blade I gotta get one of those

fucking you know those rakes and knives and shit so if you see my eyebrows my eyebrows are bushy don't say Joey fucking cut your eyebrows just go to Jesus Christ that motherfucker is looking

is in the process of finding a sharper blade because that's what it feels like half the time I use my manscape blade it's so fucking good I use my Manscape blade on my fucking eyebrows I don't give a fuck anymore

I've had dick on my eye before As a matter of fact my jaw has been bothered me The last two days In my previous life I must have been a cock suck I swear to God I can't even chew gum the last two fucking days It hurts up here Like my wife said I got locked jaw

So she was sticking a finger in my mouth And massage in my chest I'm like forget it I'll live with the fucking lockjaw Enough with the finger Like she was trying to stick her finger deep in here She had the glove on it No, stop.

Stop. We'll do it later. I'll do the podcast. And I'll fucking live. But it's Monday, you bad motherfuckers. I'm excited. I'm feeling a lot better. I'm looking a lot better.

I don't know what my future holds. I just know I'm being a fucking dad. You know, and that's what I'm telling you guys. I don't have the life I had anymore. So I'm not going to talk about the craziness that I used to talk about because it's not crazy no more. The craziest thing I do is maybe go to Anthony's and get a pizza. my friend and this five-year-old kid. That's what I did Saturday night.

Instead of going at dinner with my brother, I couldn't. I love my brother, but he starts boozing, guys, and I've got to be honest with you. I can't take boozes anymore. I'm sorry. If you're a boozer, please don't take it wrong. You know, I love you, motherfuckers. I'm a disgusting weed head,

and I used to smoke and all that shit. Like a Coke right now, like if you brought me like a coked-out chick, I couldn't listen to her talk. two coked out people, I couldn't do it. As a matter of fact, even when I was doing coke, the last three years I didn't hang out with coked out people because I couldn't take their fucking chitter-chatter.

So drunk people, it's like I just can't do it no more. You guys, I remember I grew up in a fucking bar. And then I did comedy for fucking, you know, however long I did it. And every night, you know, when you go up for the first show, you're talking to people who are sober. The second show, some people are fucking lit. and I would try my hardest because I'm a good listener sometimes,

but when you're drinking, I have no fucking idea what people are talking about, you know? So it's just weird how I'm old, you know, I could talk about my health, I could talk about what I'm doing to raise a child. You know, I would love to sit here with you guys and be able every day to just talk here about the shit I'm doing, how I'm treating my daughter differently. I'm trying to raise my daughter differently. Number one, you guys don't give a Frenchman's fuck, which I wouldn't either. Half of you don't got fucking kids.

And the other thing that bothers me about me talking about my daughter and how we're raising her is, Joey, you failed as a fucking father. Now you're trying to play fucking cat. Like, I hate that shit when I go to, like, these sporting events, and I see these dads overcompensating with that kid. Listen, your kid, he's in no danger of doing shit. Stop, stop trying to fucking make him a football. player. Look at him. Look at the way he jumps up and down. This kid, you got to have to have

to have a talk with him eventually. Take him to Newark. Drop him off on a corner. Let him get beat up once or twice. I never try to overcompensate with anybody like that. Like, if you're not into it, I'm not fucking into it. I don't even know what the fuck we're talking about. Mike. This reef is getting fucking tremendous. Last week, I got a new little batch of my friend called me from ice cream shop. And he goes, hey man. are you out of weed? And I go, all I have is that some of the packages left from the fucking cocoa weed.

He goes, I'm one of my friends on Atlantic City and he's hanging out. He's got a batch of the new cocoa. It's not a lot, but he wants to meet you and he wants to drop it off. He said, oh, this guy, he told me the guy's name. I go, yeah, tell him to swing by. The guy hit me up.

And he goes, hey, I'll be there like at 818 at night, which is bad because my daughter's here. I couldn't get high with the guy as a good dude. But he gave me a couple fucking buds with a new batch of the cocoa. Holy fuck. Holy fuck. And I thought that, you know, I wasn't going to get high. I'm one of those idiots that I'm like,

I'm not going to get high in this new fucking batch because I've been smoking the old batch. I smoked that a lot of old batch. And even towards the end, I was getting pretty fucking stone. This new batch I got, the new batch I got, the ice cream shop, I think. I should be getting some in bags. in the next couple of weeks, like all dolled up. They just gave me some raw.

Holy shit. I think I gave some to Mike. I gave you one of those buds. One of those browner buds, it was a little browner. And when you put it in the fucking grinder and it hits the bottom, it comes up like bluish. It's the first time I've seen Keefe that's fucking blue. It gives it an all fucking kilter blue.

So it's not bad. Not bad to smoke. So I've been smoking that again. I'm not eating edibles. I tell you, what I have been eating lately just to let you guys know. A lot of you guys referred this shit to me for a long time. I had no idea what you were talking about.

You know, once I moved to Jersey, I lost that education part of the THC. Every time you go to a weed store, they got something else and the people explain it to you and they're very cordial about it. But I had no idea what the fuck you people were talking about with Delta Nines. I had no idea. Delta 9, Delta 8.

and then our company is putting out an edible, a star of debt, and one of them is going to be Delta 8. So when he sent me the samples, I'll tell you what, man, I ate a couple of them, and they did the trick. And I was pretty, you know, but there was also 100 milligrams of, you know, civilian dust in there. So I was, you know, I was like, this is pretty fucking good.

I went to sleep, and it gave me a little bit of hunger. But I got my hands on some fucking 25 milligram. Delta 8 edibles And I usually give them away And it was 25 milligrams Gonna do to Uncle Joey I'm gonna have to eat a whole jar This the whole jar was 750 milligrams

And I thought about it You know I was there for a minute I was like I can fucking inhale this But I was like nah I'm just gonna take Like 125 milligrams So the first night I just ate like It's 25 milligrams

Each gummy And I ate one I ate five of them. I ate it in the afternoon, guys. By 8 o'clock, I was fucking high. I was in shock. I was surprisingly high. I'm like, this is not bad.

But it wore off like by 11. It wore off like by 10, 10, 10.30. It was like a three-hour high. It did the trick. I'm not in the mood to be high for 24 fucking hours. I was high for about three hours, which was perfect. and I slept like a baby. Let me tell you something.

Last night, yeah, last night, I had 125 milligrams. I did not feel them at all. I can't, well, I don't know, because I was getting high for like two hours along with it, so I don't know if I felt it, but I slept eight and a half hours last night. Tip, top, Magoo.

So I don't know if you guys eat the Delta, whoever was referring it to me. Thank you. When we released a new stars of debt, they will be fucking one is going to be straight up the cocoa weed

and the other one's going to be Delta 8 so we could sell them in health food stores and because that's where you buy them around here. Any health food store in Jersey you see Delta 8, you see a bud

so you don't know what to expect to go in there. I really try to stay out of those fucking places just to, you know, you guys send me edibles I got enough. I got the ABX

as I haven't touched. I've just been living on... You know what? I gave the ABX a chance and I gotta be honest you, I'm getting a little higher on the weed. So I think that's true

what people say. If you don't eat edibles, you'll get a little bit of fucking higher smoking the reef and shit like that. Speaking of which, we were talking about something in the beginning that I wanted to touch with these motherfuckers

and I never... Who the fuck knows what it is, guys? No, I wasn't talking about refra. I was talking about, oh, I know what it was What I wanted to talk about last week With you guys about how I got arrested

January 21st 1983 That was my first big arrest Like it wasn't even big It was possession of stolen shit You know And I remember that I'm You know like when I got arrested

My friends came down To bail me out Got rest their soul The Peli family came down I was there my man Stinky. One of the guys ratted on me. I forget who the fuck it was,

but it doesn't make an ounce of a fucking different. But I remember that it was all funning games at the courtroom, and it was all funning games on the way home. And it was all funny games on the ride to the bar, while we were at the bar. You know, it was like the scene from Goodfellas. You got arrested. You broke your cherry and shit like that.

And even when I see that scene from Goodfellas at times, I sit there and I go, you know what, That's a funny scene for about a minute. Like, at least it was for me. That was a funny scene for about a fucking minute. Like, I don't know. I don't know. It's like the scene in Goodfellas when he's going to jail

and he's drinking and his wife is sitting there Lorraine Braco and she's got the mink on and she's got tears in her eyes. And as they're leaving, his friends are like, hey, man, you're, uh, you know, kiss those hacks from me or whatever the fuck they're saying. bust him as much but they're all really laughing at him that he's going to fucking jail that's how I felt

like even being at the bar and shit and I remember going home in the next couple of weeks like I lost my job I went I got arrested I ended up owning $200 for my bail which I ended up getting back you know who the fuck knows when if I even got it back

but it was just surreal how I felt that night like I had let my friends down I had let my mother down, I had let myself down. You know, that's horrible. My mother was dead like three years, but I know that that was not her vision for me,

for me getting fucking lit, you know, getting arrested. So, and if you know anything about me, I didn't get arrested from 83 till I never even considered getting arrested. I mean, don't get me wrong. The cops said talk to me, whatever. I was involved in different shit in San Francisco in 85, like the Y. We were talking about this last week where I was slinging on the street, but I wasn't getting arrested in San Francisco.

They would talk to me, I don't know what we would say, and then they would disappear. When I was in Jersey after that, I think I had like four or five months in Jersey. Then I went to Aspen for a year, and then I came back. I never got arrested again. I thought about that how it lasted. Like that arrest had really slowed me down a little bit. It made me rearrange my goals. Like it was this time of the year.

And I remember going, like, I didn't know anything about goals. I didn't know anything about journaling. I knew nothing. But I knew that I had some type of notebook at the time. Like, just, you know, where you wrote phone numbers. And I remember having the one dream that I didn't want to fucking go to jail. But I knew that I had no choice. The way between the drugs, the reefer, you know,

Stupidity, eventually I would end up there. But I stayed out of fucking jail for four years. In that meantime, I took 18 fucking credits in college. I had also maybe three or six credits from Glassboro that I never even transferred. But even though I was fucking up and I was living in this fucking crazy world, that arrest saved me for years. when I got arrested the next time, what happened? What the fuck happened the next time I got arrested?

He was in Boulder. First arrest I took in Boulder. It was not for anything bad. Oh, shit. I got a speeding ticket for driving with, like, you know, you used to go to a car lot, and it says,

we're dropping prices or sale. You can't drive on the streets anywhere, I think, with one of that shit on your window. that says like, you know, yeah, the writing on your window. I went through it was a 35 mile now, but it was 3 o'clock in the afternoon, and they switched it to 20, and I didn't see the light blinking,

so I was in reality. I was still doing 32, but the cop pulled me over to give me a ticket and found out I had a warrant from the fucking windshield writing. There we go. You know Uncle Joey's got an answer for everything. So when they pulled me over,

the guy goes, listen, I'm not going to give you a ticket for the speeding, because obviously you didn't see the yellow light. There was snow. Something was going on. He goes, but I got no choice with this warrant. I got to bring you in with this warrant. I remember, I go, you know what, what's today's day? It was like April something of 87.

I remember looking at the cop. He was a blonde-haired cop. Not a bad-looking guy. Not a bad guy. I still remember it was an enjoyable arrest, as they say. Because sometimes, I always had enjoyable arrest. We cracked a few jokes, blah, blah, blah, blah. He goes, I got to take it down to your station.

I got to leave your car here. But since I was nice, he called a dealer. He had, like, he radioed into Boulder, and they called the dealer. And he goes, you know, Joey had a little problem. No, nothing serious. He just had not standing warm. We're going to go clear it up. It was like 500 to get out of jail.

It was nothing. But I remember on the ride in there, I said, And he goes, when was the last time you were arrested? And I go, four fucking and a half years ago. And I go, not too bad. And I go, that was my first arrest. So he goes, ah, you're not going to have no problems. You'll be out of here now until we got back to Boulder County jail.

And he goes, hey, man, I got to search you. And I'm like, fuck. I got weed in my sock. He's not going to take off my sock. I was like, I was 26 years old. You didn't want to smell my feet back then. They were fucking disgusting. I was a real fucking athlete.

I didn't have the infected toenail, the fucking, whatever, the fungi toenail back then. So it didn't have that taste of Romano cheese on my feet. It was a different, more robust cheese I had when I was younger. It was a cross-trew like fucking muffoletta, which is really a sandwich, Joey. What the fuck are you talking about? It was like some type of Greek cheese and fucking foot odor. I didn't think he wanted to smell my feet. I didn't think.

So I never forget I'm against the wall He searches me like oh you're clean And he goes Do me your favor Take off your sneakers I'm like god damn He's gonna smother my feet

I took my shoes off He goes you gotta take off your socks And when I took off my socks I thought that the weed Would stick in the sock And I was just gonna pull it off But he turned the sock around And a bag of weed fell

And he goes oh what's this Sensomilla season is back And I'm like oh this guy's being a fucking dick So I thought he was gonna charge me Then he came back to the sound He goes, listen, I'm just going to get you out of here on the failure to whatever warrant, and we're going to make believe like I never saw the weed. And I'm like, okay.

And I saw him put in this pocket, that motherfucker smoked my fucking green sense of me of weed that I just picked up from Vince, and I bailed out. But I remember that I was very proud of myself for having, like, that little fucking four-year gap. Little that I know, I was six months away from going. down the rabbit hole of my fucking life but listen I looked at it when you look at all that shit now man I'm happy it fucking went down I'm happy that I got all that shit out of the way guys haven't had police contact in a long time I mean there was a cop in front of my house that was talking to him and this kid we were talking about bullshit yeah I talked to fucking

cops there's another guy I go see over at the pizza place and we meet once every two weeks whenever he's got time my officer Kelly local guy just gave me some patches from my other geeky brother. I got an ex-cop brother that fucking wants patches. I love him to death. And he always says to me, if you get me cop patches, so he gave me a couple North Bergen patches. And then when I meet cops, I go, hey, do you have any extra patches?

I got to trade them for you with my geeky brother. And they're like, we got a lot of friends who collect patches and shit like that. So that's the only contact I have. But, I mean, even in the LAO, those 23 years, I never, I fucking. I don't know. After I left Seattle, I think the police got, listen,

I got arrested so many times in fucking Seattle that that was enough to fucking San Giro's 20-20- fucking nine. So the last, I don't know, it was 23 years in L.A.

I had nothing. I had one fucking ticket for being out of light and looking at my phone to see what direction I was going to take. Besides that, it's just so weird

how I look back at my life and I'm like, There was a time when I was always in the fucking having contact police problems. This probation office is going to meet with a judge. And it's like that's now. I had a cousin who called me about a year ago to tell me that a guy that trains with him, a judge wanted to take me out to lunch. I'm like, I had men out to dinner with a judge or anything.

I never went to dinner with a judge, to be honest with you guys. It would have been the first for me, but that's the first time I would have had a contact. I talked to a lot of cops. as friends. I support cops. You know how I feel about the blue. I feel bad for all the offices we lost over the weekend in New York.

There's about to be a fucking war over there. I mean, they shot four cops and four fucking days. One is in the hospital. Cling it on to life. You know, I don't know what's going on, but I do know the world is in a weird place right now. And all we could do is heal it on our own

with laughter, listen to the podcast, smoking some refra, and trying the best that you fucking can, guys. Be careful. You know, I love you, motherfuckers with all my heart. I'm sorry about last week. We had a COVID situation, but guess what? Motherfuckers, we're back.

We're healthier than never. The multivitamins back on. I'm fucking, the dick is in good shape. Audit is doing the Onit Sixth Challenge. You could win up to $6,000. I don't know if you guys are into that. Today's podcast was brought to you by Onit. on it fucking black label alpha brain the best but they're doing this challenge six it's you could

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I love your cock-suckers. And now for a word from my mom, all the fucking sponsors, Jack. All right, I want to thank you guys. I'm sorry I've been out of the loop, but we're back, we're pushing, and listen, we're going to get the party started in 2022 with BetterHelp.com.

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I want to thank Draft Kings, and I want to thanks BetterHelp for having our back this week. And I want to thank you guys for always being a part of the show. I want to thank Honit for bringing you the podcast today. I love you guys. I'll see you Wednesday. Tip Top Magoo. Stay black, guys.