The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #142 - The Church Of What's Happening Now

Episode Date: January 15, 2014

Joey's friend Mike Duffey Calls in This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere, on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey. That's Huluplus.com slash Joey. This show is also sponsored by Nature Box, where you can order great tasting, healthy snacks right to your door. Snacks smarter in the new year with healthy and delicious treats like French toast granola. Support this podcast and get 50% off of your food. first order. Go to naturebox.com and use promo code Joey. That's naturebox.com promo code Joey.

God, googly-mooly, Wednesday, the 15th of January. If you ain't got it together by now, you're fucked. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Oh shit. Oh shit is right. Your ass is on fucking fire and the wells are mile away and you're sitting there like a fucking mutt. It's over. Get up. Watch that fucking hairy pussy. Do it. Where's that fucking refusolee? God damn it. I saw you rolled some actress this morning. We ain't fucking around, but it's Wednesday. If you're going to do it, do it right, bitch. That's all I'm asking.

Somebody's out there sharpening their dick, getting ready to shower up your ass, and you're sitting there thinking about the weather. Should you bring gloves? Who gives a fuck, bitch? Are you fucking kidding me or what? Lee Syatt, the fucking co-partner. Look at them sitting there like a fucking... It's throots. I love it. What's going on? Cotsucket with yellow shirt.

I feel great. Finally getting over this cough, thank God. Three fucking weeks, what I tell you. You can't break the sweat. It's a whole new flu. It's got Chinese and Japanese and Iranians mixed together. People coughing on one another. They keep fucking putting these fluters together.

Gorilla Radio. Take your cock out. What's happening, beautiful people? Thank God God gave you another fucking day to get up. and look around and go, wow, what am I got to do today? How am I going to lie these fucking people today? You know what I'm saying? Go I have to bullshit him like Governor Christie,

or do I look him straight in the fucking face and sling dick like a nomad? Whamette? The questions. I love that you called him egg creamless morning on Twitter. That fucking... How much do you think he weighs? Six hundred pounds?

Nah, he's a big dude like Uncle, like flavor, but, you know, he ain't been doing jumping jacks and shit. We were fucking kettlebells and on their products, you know. So fuck him. to eat the fucking seats or grill biscuits what's happening baby nothing dude I found it

it's fucking sucks looking for a new apartment fucking it's a thing because they raised my rent here like the other day yeah they raised it by like 50 bucks so I was like fucking fine and I found it and you know what's weird to me we always talk about customer service I must have called like I went out because I found a place I liked but I was still looking

and I called like 10 places one day when it was out driving around not one of them picked up the phone how can it be an apartment manager or not pick up the phone. That's like your only job is to pick up the phone when you put a listing up. People are so fucking lazy anymore. And you know what?

There's places that you go to, I'm really seeing it more with hotels. Hotels have really stepped up their game. Hotels know that the competition's tight. Families will go online and they'll cut you off for a dollar in breakfast. So all these hotels give you the rewards now. You know, when you stay at a fucking four seasons,

it's four seasons. You can't repeat. place of four seasons in one of those high-end hotels but now you know a holiday hilton honors whatever the fuck they got all those they're not bad and i'll tell you why they're not bad it's free fucking internet in your room free fucking business center copies you know when i go into a town i'm an idiot i don't want to fuck around i don't want to if every every stop by make i got to pay for money you go to these hotels they don't have coffee in the lobby in the morning you go to some hotels they got fucking coffee in your room and coffee in the lobby on your floor

Oh, yeah, yeah. You know, I went to Nashville. What a hotel. You can turn around. So customer service is fucking huge. And I don't understand. You know, I have comics call me at night. Okay.

Right? 10 o'clock at night. Sometimes I'm sleeping. I'll call them the next morning like 12. Nobody's answering. That could be an agent. That could be Warner Brothers. That could be a guy that saw you at the last factory a month ago, wrote your name down,

and now they're casting a movie an hour ago. Yeah. You understand me? So I played Footsies with a fucking comic for four weeks to get on her podcast. I never saw nothing like that. Finally, she stopped calling, and I stopped calling him because she would call me 11 o'clock at night. 11 o'clock, I'm on my eighth dream. I'm dreaming about float with my cats.

You know what I'm saying? Last night, dog, I went to, you know, I tell people that I'm 50 and that you can, you know, you try to control your energy. Well, sadly, I ran in Buffalo. For some fucking reason. You're running? In the treadmill, you know, the Dolce's Workout. And I was feeling on Sunday I took the day off

And Monday I went to kettlebell class And he had me do all different exercises So when you do all different ones for the first time I got fucking super sore So yesterday it was a big day at the house I mean I was in Hollywood by 9 yesterday Oh geez yeah we left the house at fucking 8 a.m We ran 10 errands by lunchtime

Went to lunch Ran over the hill I dropped them off I went to Dr. Amy I had a fucking meeting But whenever I go to acupuncture you got to change the rules because my body goes fucking dead like by 10.

It's a heavy sleep. You know what time I woke up? I didn't even set the alarm this morning. 4 a.m.? So I woke up at 444. My alarm is set for 445. That's how I just opened my eyes and looked and I was like, what the fuck?

And I got up and I ran here. I spoke to Jill Himitsa this morning and I told her, she goes, you're running late for the podcast. I'm running late for everything. I got up, I had to feed the fucking cats, I had to make a protein shake, I had to finish up some stuff for the podcast.

You know, and I just fucking passed out last night, dog. I love it. I love when I just passed the fuck out. Yeah, I couldn't. I think I couldn't do it last night because it took NyQuil the night before. And I don't know how people do that stuff, because that stuff is crazy. NyQuil don't fuck around. No.

Can you imagine a NyQuil on the Goomy Bear? No. You can. No, I can't. And they have this thing now called ZEQuil, which is just a sleeping part of it to go to sleep. And I know people who take, like, two cupful. It's like double the dosage. I don't know how to be, like.

Well, it's like a fucking. with me you you build up the resistance I had an acquaintance that was addicted to NyQuil and he got busted he was drinking NyQuil the most like people drink milk oh my god he got so high he went to the same

night store twice oh yeah because they card you now they card you now so no this is 15 fucking years ago oh wow and they busted him at the same NyQuil he got he was going to one CVS and another CVS and another CVS well they bust them at the one fucking CBS. That's terrible.

I mean... It's fucking crazy. They made him go to rehab and shit and smoke cigarettes. I got really lucky that the only thing I was ever really I have a problem with his food where like I never got addicted to anything like that. I was talking to a guy yesterday about smoking. His wife, the guy who, my new manager, they were getting over colds too. And like when you open their apartment door, it smells of smoke.

So they must have been smoking for decades. But she, like, she was trying to get over a bronchitis, but she still had to smoke. So he's saying how she finally cut down and now she's getting better and I'm like, thank God I never got in. Like I can't imagine not being able to breathe right now and still wanting to smoke. Let me tell you something.

Smoking, I didn't get into smoking until I moved to Los Angeles. Really? Yeah, I never smoked before as a kid. Nothing. I was against it completely. I couldn't even get in a car. Last way I got into somebody's car that had been smoking. I got a little fucked up. I had to ask and open the windows a little bit in Buffalo. But no, no, I didn't smoke

to New York. You know, man. addictions are a very weird thing and you know you can't prepare for it you cannot prepare for any fucking addiction whether it be pill it just sucks you in on the back end

it could be gambling it could be you know sex for some people you know some people are just fucking horrors I'm addicted to sex whatever you got torch me with this shit since the fucking morning some people just you know

I mean I never dream of being hooked on drugs. I never dreamt of being on drugs. I thought my drug used to be some fucking refa maybe and then a couple times acid, I never dreamt of it. I just fell into a void where, you know, you need something. So the drugs were it for that time period. That's what it seemed like to me. Cocaine to me, like I explained on one of the testicle testaments, excuse me, cocaine for me wasn't a drug anymore. It was a thing to show off where It was a status symbol.

It was a status symbol. But for me at that time, it was a way of being cool, I guess. I don't even know, because I've never strived to be fucking cool. I don't know what it was. I was just missing something after my mother died, and I just took off and went with it, man. Do you think you're an addictive personality? I think you do.

Oh, absolutely, absolutely. I think we all do. And if you say you don't, there's something that we all get hooked on. You know, for you, it was food. We have different things. and then they transfer, the addiction transfers. I think it's transferred to work for you. Like, honestly, and it's not a bad thing,

because you have to take it to it. You can't let it get, like, if you were just not going home and not paying attention to your kid, it would be a bad thing. But just the amount of, the amount that you work, I can't, I don't think anyone, I'm sure there's people who work as hard as you, but most of them have day jobs, so they have to be at the office. For someone who doesn't have to go to the office, I've never seen, you're always out.

It's kind of crazy. It makes me feel like I've, I had to go up and meet Steve Simone. yesterday because I felt like I wasn't doing anything. Lee, I threw away a lot of years and I really didn't because I had the same work ethic when I was doing drugs. This is why I was able to do drugs every day. But it was just wasted on drugs. Without a job.

You understand me? I was able to do a gram of a bloke without a fucking job. Who thinks about it? So how much was that then? $60 a day. Okay. So your first $60 goes to Coke and then, you know, and I would try to make $100 and get groceries

and then buy a little bit of Coke for the night. but I feel in my heart that I threw away a lot of years. I'm 50 now, and when you're younger, people always say, you know, don't waste fucking time. Listen, man, if I could live my life again, I wouldn't have wasted that fucking time because it would have been reversed. At 48, I would have been, your goal is to get it out of the way early. So when you're 48, boom, you don't have to work. You don't have to fucking work no more.

I have a friend that's 50 that's doing hardwood fucking floors. Oh, no. Because his whole, he changed, you know, he didn't focus on what was in front of him at the time. You know, you see careers are changing every fucking day in this country. You know, if you were a big time, let's say, paper printed 30 years ago and you were making $1980 fucking dollars an hour printing for a newspaper. Today, your job's in jeopardy. Oh, yeah. It's gone now.

And it's not that you're a bad worker. You're, you're, that's it. He was hot with neon. 20 years ago this country didn't have enough fucking neon they didn't have enough open signs you could sell an open sign for 200 bucks a day

when I first got divorced the easiest job I ever had was selling neon I would go to can't yeah open and clothes and a picture of a dick with you sucking it and a horse and the tail moving I used to fucking go to kinkos in the morning

and for $11 I'd buy 100 flyers and I'd pick a fucking mall and I'd go to a fucking mall and put flyers talk to everybody hi My name is Joey Dears. I work for Strictly Neon and I give them a fly. That's what we do. Right away they said you have open signs. Yes, I do. I have them in the car. How much are they? There are $199. They would give you fucking the first service for free or whatever. Boom, I get a check right there for $200.

Which I got $50 commission. So that was my blow for the night. So my goal was to sell two of those. I used to sell two of those from 9 to 12. From 9 to fucking 12, I'd sell two of those. But I committed to it. I would not do anything until I dropped off those 100 flies Because I knew a hundred flies would get me eight calls And I would close three of them It's numbers, it's just fucking numbers That's times I would drop all flyers

Get in my car, there was no cell phones And drive to the shop to smoke with those guys And they've already said, Joey, we've already sold two of them on the phone People called up and we sold shit on the phone That's how hot it was Then they made me an inside salesman They gave me a fucking book And they said, dog, we don't have a speech for you.

They weren't salesmen. They go call around. This is a true story. They go call around. For you all you people that sit there, where your thumb up in the fucking ass, you don't know what the fuck to do. And I called a bunch of sporting clothing.

Okay. At that time, there was a shirt that you put on that it would change colors. It changed color. You know what a mood ring is? Yeah. Well, in the early 90s, they had a T-shirt that you bought at the store

that you put it on. It was like purple. It was like a head shirt, like the colors of a Grateful Dead concert. Okay. When you put the shirt on, it changed colors according to your body heat. Really? Wow. I called them up, and I sold them a neon store, a neon sign for every one of their stores. So when you went in a store, you knew they had that line of clothing.

I sold like a thousand of those. I got like a $100 fucking commission on each one. I never forget this. And then I sold Russell Athletics, the clothing wear, the sweatpants. I called them and said, hi, my name is Joey Diaz. I'm calling from Stricklandian. I don't want to see if you're looking for prototypes. Yeah, next thing you know, I just passed the phone on to the engineers, the guys who did it.

And I got an account there. For a year, I lived off Russell Athletics. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I know. Sales, I don't think everyone's built for it because it would make me nervous just cold-calling people. But it's... You got to do what you got to fucking do. And along the way, you learn something.

It makes you learn something not about... Not only about yourself, but about people. It makes you learn about people lying. to you on the phone and people bullshit to you and that's why I tell everybody you know what fuck college for a year go sell cars for a year go through belly and belly sales for a year go see what it's like

how people lie to you to your face I'll be back on an hour and next you know they're driving out of a fucking they went to they told you they wanted a for door now they're leaving a fucking Chevy place with a truck they ran into a fucking salesman and now you become a salesman you're like ooh I know what I'm doing wrong

I'm being too nice to these fucking idiots so there's just so many things And I don't work hardly. I work smart. I used to work hard. The difference is, I might be, like I told my wife last night, I go, listen, there's mornings I get up. Yesterday, I got up at four.

And from four to five, I fucked around on Twitter, but from five to about six-thirty, I wrote. Okay. She woke up at 7.15 or something. That gave me an hour and a half of writing. Another 15 minutes, I sent emails. You know, those 15 minutes of emails, I sent seven of those minutes were emails that were necessary.

the other seven were just opening up doors with the New Year. Happy New Year was going on them in town. I'm doing a show at the Melrose Improvre. That's the industry because I don't have any help. This journey has helped me really fucking learn how to cover my own bases, you know, with

agents and whatever because I don't have big plan help, so I've got to do it myself. Yeah. How big is it and it's different now with email. When I was applying to jobs, I would never send an application in on Friday. Like any day past Thursday and you wouldn't

you couldn't really do it at night like I would always do it either right when they got in or right at lunch because they would miss emails like do you think about that? All that shit is critical timing is everything timing is everything you know if I got to go back when I wake up what do you do when you wake up in the morning you scan through your

emails to see what's important and you open those up same thing in the daytime you're on the clock what people won't do out of work and people will do sitting on the computer is two different fucking things are you with me? No, I'm with it.

It's good. If I call you and try to sell you a big black fucking dick, I have a better chance of selling you that big black dick between nine and five while you're sitting at your job than between six and nine when you were at your home with your kids and your... In fact, I have more of a chance of you listening to me. You're getting paid. What do you give a fuck? Lee Syatt, yeah.

Joe D is American Foundation of Big Black Dix. How you doing for that? Yeah, good. What's going on, buddy? Listen, we're having a sale. 60% off. Sale, free shipping, today only. Grab your credit card.

Let's see what's cracking lacking. And there you are at work looking for fucking somebody to kill time because the boss is coming, so you might as well bend over and make believe you're doing something. Okay. So do you understand me? People will talk to you while they're on the clock instead of when they're fucking home.

Okay. And that's the beginning of it. There's different things that you have to know to do in your business. Each business is fucking different. What was your favorite thing you sold? Cocaine. Really?

Sure. No, it's a joke. No, no, I was going to, because you probably made the most money? No, I didn't make it. Well, if I made the money, why would I fucking be here, sit with you at six in the morning? Because you snorting. Because you snoring. The best thing I sold is myself.

That's the best thing you could sell is yourself. Which is what you're doing right now? Every fucking day. Every fucking day. You're selling yourself. You're bettering yourself. You're a product and a customer. You know, you built the car in 1963, and now it's 2013.

How did you better that fucking car? You put air conditioner's in. The leather's better. The fucking tires are better, you know? I sold fucking, yeah, myself, man, is the best thing to sell. Why are you going to work for somebody else? When you could sell the best thing in your fucking life, which is yourself. That's crazy.

It's fucking crazy, bro. I can't even imagine. Because for movies, I mean, you have to sell yourself. yourself when you're applying the jobs but not really because all they should do all that was my specialty was going in for a job interview just to get it and tell the people I well they didn't want the fucking job well the only like when I give people advice because I want thousands of interviews the only thing people want is to think that they don't have to like you're not going to waste their time you're not going to ask a lot of questions so all I say is always just be confident like

and say you know what you're doing because they no one wants to have to teach you anything but there's a system and there's a system. So you call me on a fucking... I send you the fucking thing today. Okay. I send you the resume today at 12 o'clock. You call me at 1.30. How you doing, Mr. Diaz?

Lysayat here, the Department of Division of fucking criminal affairs. Come on down for an interview. Come on down for an interview. What's today at Lisa, I, yet? The 15th? Come on down for an interview Friday of 17th or 1130. Okay.

What would you do from there on in? What do you do? I would say, I would say, I would confirm the day before. Beautiful. You call on the day before. I'm confirming it for Friday, 11.30. Okay.

Yeah, and I always show up early. Because especially... I got the can run. Especially here. And then I always, I'd always bring my resume with me. That was always great. And in my references, too. I would always have printout forums.

Because now you're always applying online, and they have stacks of them. And if you give it to them, it's going to be on the top of their pile. Because they're not going to have to pull it out and mess with it. They like that. And then the best thing I ever did was I was, when I first started, I was trying to be to, I hated bragging.

But it's not bragging because. You got to sell yourself. You got to drop it on them. And you got to make them feel like they're not going to have to come show you things. And you know, even though, if you don't know what you're good. If you don't know it, if you don't know it, but if you know a little bit about it or you think you can figure it out, say you know it. But if you don't know, it's a, that's not one of my strong points. But this is.

and I got really good at it. I got really good at interviewing, but it's... And then when you walk out of it, you call 10 minutes later and say thank you for your time, and they'll fire... That'll blow them out of the water. It blows them out of the water. I started sending thank you notes

when I first got here. Call them, thank you, and then send a note. That's even dead. But I never got anything off the notes, so I got really... You always get something off the notes because somebody else ain't sending a note. You're covering all your fucking bases.

You're doing what that other motherfucker ain't doing. Yeah. You know, when I did the podcast, Don Marrera. It was very interesting, something he brought up his children. When I was a kid, I practiced basketball all day, and I practiced basketball, especially if I called you

and you said you were doing something with your brother and sister because I knew I had you now. I was practicing and you weren't. And we have to bring that mentality as you grow older. I would call, right from the fucking right as I was walking out of there. If I seen a pay phone, I'm dodging

for that fucking pay phone. Mr. Smith. Joe Diaz, thank you for your time for was one of the best interviews I've ever been on. Thank you, you. And they don't even know what the fuck to do. Yeah, no what, I know what it was big for me. I was always very next to the receptionist. Always.

I always asked them what their name was. Always. And I would always say hi and bye. Always. And then the seven-day call. So you got the 10-minute call, the fucking thank-you note that comes on Monday. And then you've got a call that fucking Wednesday. Hey, want to see if I can provide any additional references for you.

Because I just got a reference from the fucking Pentagon that they sent me an account. copy of my purple fucking heart you understand me what miss I ain't what the fuck that's how you get a fucking gig and if you're not doing that to get a gig I would I remember I would walk up to construction sites bro I didn't give a fuck I get on a bicycle and just drive around till I saw construction anybody you need help yeah talk to the electrician hey man I did fucking residential wiring for eight months with you think I got my fucking tools right on the bike I didn't give a a fuck when you need work you need fucking work and that's you know

people don't understand when somebody tells me they've been out of work for a year I start thinking fucking weird about it because if you want a fucking job you go out there and get a job yeah I know time's a tough well then you got to go out work to fucking Mexican you got to go out work to fucking Mexican you got to go back to that fucking mentality and people don't want to go to that mentality though all the Mexicans and the immigrants are taking the jobs where you got to outwork a fucking immigrant debt have you seen the things they put on like CNN about how much money especially if you have kids how much money the government will give you and Like, it's just, at some point, they're making more money off the government by not working than they would be working.

It blows my mind. What's money, Lee? Lee, we're living in a fucking country where you don't need to have a ceiling on your income. I told you, when you get out of fucking prison two days before, they ask you if you want to sign up for disability. So you get fucking $300 a month. So you sell your soul for $300 a fucking month. You're not going to pursue any of your dreams. You're not going to do anything.

So what tons of money do you get? You don't get tons of money. You get government fucking cheese. You get milk that's contaminated that they wouldn't even give to fucking Puerto Ricans. You get shit sent to your house that you don't even... That's what cancer is. That's what fucking cancer is.

It's the shit they're putting in the fucking food that just overpowers your body. Your immune system can't fucking handle all that shit. Your blood ain't even going to these places. People getting cancer in their fucking fingers from touching fucking whatever the fucking they're touching hummus. Hummus and government fucking cheese. So it's amazing that

you know uh i don't follow politics i do not follow politics i hear burps my wife is involved in that shit and she knows not even to talk to me about it but i will tell you one thing i have noticed i don't know what's going on with uh obamacare or insurance to california and then i will tell you what i have seen across the country in my travels what's that ready for this people work more people are working jobs are up and i think at the end of the day that's the bottom of the fucking line you motherfuckers are crying about work that proves to me the motherfuckers cry about everything so now the fucking black guy got you a job now you're worried about insurance you know deal at one step at a fucking time once you stay the job for a little while longer they

give you fucking insurance if it's a good fucking job so what i've been noted i even went to buffalo and when i went to buffalo they were out people saying to me this is the most cranes they saw in the city in 30 fucking years that's great you know they're redoing the waterfront they're probably going to get a new fucking stadium in Buffalo. They're redoing downtown area, which to me, you know, so sometimes it doesn't matter when the fuck the president is.

People crying no matter, you know, it's like that thing on the Sopranos. You know, she's crying because she has a ham under her arm but no bread. Be happy you have the fucking ham. How the fuck are, you know, they're building, they're doing shit. People are fucking working, man.

I don't give a fuck if you have to go to TSA and train for $8 an hour, whatever the fuck they pay you. It's fucking work, people. Yeah. And it's deep. decent work. You don't go to prison doing decent fucking work. You know, there's still people. I talk to people and they

still want to be criminals and gangsters and I don't fucking get it because that's what society wants you to do now. They're building prisons like a motherfucker and the private prisons too. So people own... Oh, people own prisons. We should buy a fucking prison. The prison of what's fucking happening now, baby. The prison within yourself, motherfucker. You don't need a building. Where's that fucking music you're playing? It's Wednesday, cock sucker. Get up. Brush your teeth. salute the flag you're in fucking America you fucking douchebag

get it together let's go let's play some fucking music I don't do a fuck all right what you got for a shit oh shit little aerosmith off the album rocks break out the heroin motherfucker take some alpha brain shoot some heroin it's over my neighbors will be so glad I'm gone fuck those pussy everything is on fire the shit piled up of the knee oh

are you fucking kidding me put your pants on it's over get out there get a fucking get a enough get a knife and a cup they don't give you a nickel and you're fucking stabbing the leg as they walk away you you fucking gentile fucking gentiles motherfuckers what else so you're at the improv this Friday and Saturday 8 p.m. show Steve Simone Ari Sheffir really leave Syed'll be out there getting autographs if you behave yourself you're going to Boston to sell shirt, hoping the shirts will be here. Get you shaking hands and jumping up and down outside.

Don't invite your mother to the show, right? Oh, God, no. Don't even tell your mom you're coming to town. No, I'll dinner with her or something. She asked me to tell the show how to download the podcast. I said, just looked at her, I said, I can't. And she said, you know, Jay Leno says he doesn't do anything that would embarrass it, his mom couldn't listen to.

I said, well, I'm not Jay Leno because you would listen to about 30 seconds of it and have a heart attack. Can you imagine to listen today? We're talking about eating helmets and all that shit. Taking farts to the mouth. You haven't taken a fart to the mouth for you. No. Well, no one's wanting to say.

If someone wants to do it. People want to do it. People want to. Every time you ask on stage, anyone want to fart, everyone's silent. But then I get tweets, oh, I have a girl for you in fucking New Mexico

that wants to fart in your face. They're such bullshit. And I can't believe a girl in this day and age when we want to fart in somebody's fucking eyeball. Why would someone want to do that? I would love for a woman to come up to me and say, Joey, can I talk to you in private? What is it, my love? I have a fetish

of men farting in my fucking mouth. Can you do me a favor of fart in my face? Give me about 20, 25 minutes. Let me get some fucking ranch dressing and some hummus. And I will cut a fart right in your fucking face that will put you on another dimension. You understand me? And I know they're out there.

They have to be out there. Women buy socks. Women smell feet. There's women that like sniffing balls and armpits, men's armpits when they're disgusting. They get turned down by that animal loader. Oh, Jesus. Jesus is fucking right.

Jesus can't help you, Lee. No, he can't. Jesus can't fucking help you, cocksucker. Over here eating fucking goomy bears like A-Rot. Can he believe that motherfucker does? No, that was so much. I only caught pieces of it on the Sports Center, but it shows, I don't know what,

like, I don't know what that would be. Is that? That's a different addiction. That's a different addiction. You know, he wanted to be in the 800 club. I never had anything against Alex Rodriguez. I went to his 21st birthday party. Josh Wolfe threw it or something like that.

Really? They threw it at his bar in Seattle? Okay, he's a big mariner. Gavin Boyd, yeah. And I heard he was from Miami. He went to school with a friend of mine, a dear friend of mine, and they said he was a nice kid or whatever. And then, you know, once you become, listen, man, to play sports,

anyone to play sports in New York is two different fucking things. The media will eat you alive in New York. You know, they did with the Jet Quarterback. They did with, you know, they just kill you. It's not a fair fucking, you can't make a mistake in their fucking eyes. I bet that puts a lot of pressure on. I hate using the word pressure and stress. You're getting paid all these millions of dollars and you need to fucking perform.

You know, you do the best you can't. You're not going to be the best every year. You're going to have, you can't. You know, it's against you. Then father time comes against you and you move on. Yeah. And there's nothing wrong with that. You know, they're already, they're already,

talking about Anderson-Silvin, GSP. You know, they're thinking they're both kind of come back. You know, who would want to see that? Who would want to, you know, Anderson? You would want to see it? At that point, what's the point, bro? We're looking for new fucking blood. You know, Lee, I break your ball sometimes.

I'm even sorry I brought that up about the fart to the fucking eyeball because I'm the type of guy I like to evolve. You know, Joey Karate's, they were fun doing, we're done with them. The mad flavor worlds, they were fun doing, we're done with them. We're always looking for the next fucking big thing. I never want to be known for one fucking thing. I want to be known for trying a lot of fucking things. Whether it's video, there's something else going to come in the next few weeks.

Video, podcast, you can smell my fucking balls, through your screen. There's going to be something. And if it seems interesting to me, I'll try it. I don't want to try it because it's a cool thing, or it's the hip fucking thing. Whatever we try is because we try and people come to your fucking stadium to watch it. So that's how I fucking feel. I'm still I hate fucking taking pictures but it's so easy for me to take a picture

and just send it to Twitter I gotta join Instagram now and start that whole fucking thing I don't have time for this shit Yeah I don't see on Instagram You know I don't have time for a lot of shit You know I'm 50 I got the fucking kid The fucking wife

You know you're trying to write a book You're trying to do the podcast We're trying to do the podcast network I'm getting emails from people To start a podcast network And invest in gold in South Africa You know what the fuck What the fuck is wrong with people?

We're just trying to get shit started here. A couple podcasts. We're going to talk to Rick Ramos to do a movie one. Hopefully talk to Steve Simone, talk to Jerry Rocha. Maybe he'll start Nerds Incorporated. Whatever the fuck Jerry Rocha wants to do. But we're just a bunch of guys trying to get it together. That's basically it.

But it's just, I'm actually not a huge... I get why people don't like steroids in baseball. It doesn't really upset me that much because, I mean, it's just everyone's doing it now. But they caught him. and he went and did it again it'd be like if you went to jail or like if a comic

So he was caught before? See that's how much I know When was he caught? A few years ago And what they do to him? I think he got suspended for a little bit And he apologized And he had a big press conference

And then he had to do a whole new contract But he has a $300 million contract And I just And I think the Yankees are trying to fuck with him too Oh yeah they hate him now The Yankees hate him Well because the thing is Like they suspended him last season

And he came back and played And now they have the media asking questions Every day at the ballpark And now that he's suspended for all of the next season He says he's still going to come to spring training And cause a circus So they're trying to get rid of them They hate him

Now were the Yankees any good last year? No Do you have any top of a team? Do you have any time? They got a couple of new league They stole one of our players And they're always going to have a decent team Because of how much money they spend

But they haven't ever since Tori left, they haven't had that great a routine. It's fucking crazy. It's fucking crazy with sports have become, or professional sports have become the risk involved and the fucking steroids. And I guess that's it. To perform at a high level, if you need this shit,

you know, it's happening. Yesterday I saw the, I was watching the insider, insider to the UFC, whatever, UFC insider. Okay. It was about covering the fight, and they were talking about, it was the Chris Wyden when he broke his leg and they kept Sean Vidor Belfort.

And I'm looking at Vitor Belfort with the TRTs or whatever the fuck he's on. And he looks like a chiseled fucking man. He's 36 years old. Okay. So I don't know what the deal is. If they're going to let him... I don't know. I don't know and I don't fucking have an opinion because I'm not in that ring.

You know, it's like me saying when I smoke potter and enhances me on stage. Does you think? Well, I don't know. I don't know. It's stand-up comedy. What do you think? So let's put it this way. Let's say comedy clubs are all.

all around the world, we're going to start drug testing for weed. What would you do? Go to the underground comedy class. I don't know. I don't know. I'm not there. I wouldn't know. But does it does smoking weed make you a better fucking comic? I know when I go on

stage and I don't eat an edible, I'm up there like a fucking savage. That period I went through of eating edibles and going on stage, I was doing okay, but I wasn't doing as good as I could fucking do. And I felt it in very. I felt it in I didn't do an edible for like a week and I went on stage like a cave fucking animal. And that's why I'm slowing down the edibles because I'm touring more.

And if you're paying 20 bucks to come see me, I want you to see the best fucking me. I don't want you to be, you know, well, he was high on edibles. Oh my God, he was so stoned. That's not cool. Cool is when I give you 100 fucking 50%. Okay. And then some. You've seen me.

When I start thinking on stage, when I start talking, I go into a think. Yeah. If we go into a good thing, we've got a good piece of material. even if I don't take the thing I don't remember what I said I want you and us to see together that moment of energy

I want when sometimes you're fucking doing it and I want to show people they could do it too they could do it too this is no what we do is not fucking brain surgery you know nothing pisses me off more when I see this and they talk about

like this tremendous fucking actor but again somebody's you know there's an artist somewhere drawing a picture of a fucking orange that I'm supposed to fall over over, you know, whatever. But there's more important things than this shit. But it's not as

hard as people think. I get emails every fucking day, hey, Joey, I'm thinking of getting into comedy, but I'm scared shitless. There ain't nothing to be scared shitless about. Just get on fucking stage. It took me a year to get on stage, bro. And you went and you watched, right? No, I never watched. I never even

went down there. I thought you watched them. Fuck no. What I did was rent a Rodney Dangerfield specials. Okay. And I watched them and I watched the Joe Torrey special with the one on Def Jam on HBO with Joe Torre was the

warm up and Bill Bellamy and I still remember Joe Torrey's jokes and I watched the special Rodney Dangerfield with Bill Hicks

and Dom Irara and Andrew Dice Clay and you know things whatever it's like a young comedian special Seinfeld and Robert Townsend and I just watched

them Lee and I watched them and I would call the club and they wouldn't because it was three minutes once a month and I would call the club and then after three months they were calling go you're on this Tuesday 8.30. Then the day ever I'd call and cancel.

Oh, I got sick. I'm so sorry. And after about a year I go, I can't keep fucking doing this. And I remember driving to them with my ex-wife and her being, you're going to be okay? And me getting on fucking stage and I was like the eighth guy on the list and that was the

first time I had ever even walked in a I didn't walk in a comedy club until I got on stage. Really? Yeah, there was no reason for me to dilly down. I'm not one of those type of people. I want to go see. Let's go down there, let's look,

and let's go to work. That's the first fucking thing I overcome. So you never even went to a show as a fan? No, never went to a stand-up show. I went to watch stand-up in... I started stand-up in 91, and maybe in 87. I went to see a stand-up show.

But at that time, stand-up wasn't even on my radar. That was the only one. time I had really gone to see stand-up. Wow. It was on my fucking radar. So you've never really seen it as a fan. No. I went in there because a friend of mine won a ticket

on a radio contest in Boulder to go see that guy from Boston, the slow guy. Oh, Stephen Wright? Stephen Wright. And then he won again the next year because he knew the girl and he went again and that's when I realized, Jesus, he did the same fucking hour?

He did the same hour? Exactly to the tee. And I was like, this sucks. if I was ever to do that shit. Yeah, that really disappointed me. He'll never listen to this. John Panette did that a couple of times, and I saw, that was one of the first specials I saw that I was like,

howling laughing the entire time. I say, nay, nay, it was his special. It's hilarious. He put two more hour on Netflix. It's like the same jokes. He tells a couple different new ones, but, like, he would just say it word for word. I was like, what's happening?

And I was like, the timing was better on the other one. So, like, that's really upsetting people do that. It eats away at me as a comic. That fuck I'm here in a year and I still haven't written new material. I'm still doing that one. Maybe there's a joke that you've added three bits to or something. Okay.

But the come of the next year with the exact same fucking verbiage from the beginning to end just destroys me because in my world, something interesting had to happen to you. You know, something interesting had to happen to you that you could tell me. Even if you tell me that and they have no punch in lines,

I'll accept that. I'll accept that. I'll accept that as a comic because at least you're telling me about your day but nothing else fails tell me about your fucking day we all have shit that happens in our day you walk down to your car sometimes and you see a fucking something

and you're like I wish somebody would see this and that's why you have Instagram and that's why you take fucking pictures or whatever but in a way not really you what the fuck are we talking about I got too high this about comedy

and just writing new material It just means the world to me when I see some money down. And you can tell they put the efforts. I go and watch a UFC fighter. And he fought, I don't know, he fought somebody last fight. And the guy kept taking him down. And not only was the guy taking him down, you ever watch those fights where the guy does the same move over and over again

and it doesn't work? Kind of, what's the bigger heavyweight guy, the white guy? Josh Thompson? No, no, the guy. He fought a few times in a row. He's the chummy guy that Dana White Haynes. Roy Nelson. Yeah. All he was going for was for the punching.

And you kept telling me, all he doesn't evolve. You know, he doesn't, if he, he's a black beltin jiu-jitsu, Roy Nelson. Do something different, you know. Even if you fucking pull him into your garden and reverse, whatever the fuck you call it, sweep them and fucking mount him, you're a black belt and jihitsu, so you have to add to your arsenal every time. This can be on a daily basis, man. You know, you don't write well.

Practice fucking writing. I fucking, I wrote like shit. Look, find MySpace and go on those blogs. You'll fucking be amazed. I'm amazed when I go on MySpace and find those fucking blogs and look at what I do today, how I write with more emotion. But that's four years, five years ago. That's five years of writing and erasing, writing and erasing,

writing and erasing, because I wasn't good at it. I wanted to see what all the commotion about. And right now, at this point in my life, I would give this all up to be an author. Really? Yeah, I'm ready. I'm to that level now. I would give this all up to write for three blogs,

and have books on a fucking thing. What do you want to write about? I would like to finish this biography. Okay. Then I would like to write a book to my daughter about being streetwise and not being a fucking punk.

You know, and how to conduct yourself as a fucking woman in this country. I'm not to be a sucker. You know, and write it in excerpts, you know, like different things. I already started outlining it. It's a hard book to write because you have to be honest, you know,

but I want my daughter to read this in case I die, something else. You know? Okay. Like different, no, it's just not to be a sucker and how a woman has to fucking compose herself and how a woman has to act, man. And sometimes some people probably listen to this going, children, how the fuck do you know how a woman has to act?

Well, I know how the woman around me should act, and I know how my mother acted. I know how my mother acted. My father died when I was three. I don't remember a man in my fucking house. I see women now that are fucking divorced, and they bring three or four fucking guys into the house in front of their kids. fucking see that shit you do fucking know that you dumb bitch yeah your kids see that they remember that shit you know we were talking about Mitzie fucking

sure the other day somebody was talking about Mitsy Shore and I told the truth man I love Mitsy Shore she was my mother in comedy but let's face it she's spurt 30 fucking guys around those fucking kids and after and that's why she's in a fucking nursing home because your kids fucking remember that shit okay you gotta fucking have some type of etiquette around your kid yesterday I went to the park with my daughter and listen man How the fuck, no one of the kids are getting fucking bullied. Do you see what the fucking parents look like?

You see what did the fucking parents look like? What do they look like? You know, like fucking, they walk around like fucking humans, human clones, human sheep. Sure your kids are going to get fucking bullied. You have no identity. I saw a woman at the park yesterday that you could tell it took a 30 minutes to roll up her sleeves because God forbid somebody didn't see her fucking tattoos. You're a fucking mom, you dumb bitch.

Not a biker bitch, whore. You know, with a little Sinatra hat with sunglasses. on with the ponytail on the cell phone there was one that brought the dog for the fucking park and they were on this thing she was paying attention with her dog her daughter rolled right off and fell on her fucking face me and my my wife watched it and I looked at my wife and I go she was paying more attention to the fucking French poodle than what she was to the fucking kid but God forbid she goes to the fucking park and the kids and the people there don't see her with a French poodle

God fucking forbid really focus on the fucking kid not the French poodle But the woman, and yesterday was when I looked at my wife and I go, there's no way I want my daughter growing up in this neighborhood. Really? Yeah, I don't want my daughter around those fake fucking kids because if your fucking family's fake, then you're a fucking fake. You have to have an anchor somewhere as a human being. So if your fucking mother's worried about her sleeve being high enough

to show the picture of those fucking Chinese characters on a forearm because that was the most important thing in her day. I mean, if you looked at this woman, you could tell she prepared her. for the day. The jeans, you know, the whole fucking package with the dumb bitches sitting next to it. You know what? There was fucking 20 Mexican nannies at that

park yet. In your neighborhood? Up there by fucking Bambridge, by fucking whatever, the park I go to. If you're fucking white and a Mexican is taking your baby to the fucking park every day. And I guarantee half these women aren't working.

They were doing Pilates or they were at a coffee club or at their or a writers club or whatever the fuck they're doing that I would die before some woman took my fucking kid to the park bro

I would die I really would unless me and my wife were both working and we were in dire fucking need which you live in from that neighborhood you're not in dire need

so it's amazing how you you don't you see what's going on with kids people ask themselves like what's going on with kids you know what's going on with kids their foundation is fucking weak

their foundation is trying to be fake how do the kids how the fucking kids going to have an identity when the foundation is fucking weak it's fucking amazing what I see now now it explains it explain what's been happening for the last 20 fucking years I'm telling you and especially in this area because they don't judge you on your merit they judge you on what you do in the industry and that's how they're gonna judge your kid they're gonna give your kid the bigger

present because they want to be able to mingle with you I don't want you to judge my my child on what I do on and off the set or I don't want people even know what the fuck I do. I don't want my daughter to know what I do. My daughter doesn't, I think I'm a writer, until she's fucking nine or ten. Really? Yeah, I don't want her to know what the fuck I do

because I don't want her to judge a person by what the fuck they do like most people. It would be great. It would be great to have a talented child. It would be great to have a daughter who could sing and fucking dance and go on America's funniest videos. But then again, there's a part of that that isn't for me

because I know what comes with it. Not only did I see yesterday at the park, I've seen a black girl that thought she was Mariah Carey, so she couldn't talk like a regular kid. She kept singing. And then there was a chubby, a white girl who was insecure, so for her to sit in, she was like her director. Oh, okay.

And she was, we got a call coming in. Festos, Pestos. What's up, buddy? There's my main man, my fucking, where the last man standing out of Northburg and my brother, Mike Duffy. What's happening, baby? Welcome, buddy. I'm driving out here in unseenic West Texas.

Oh, my God. On the way out of some rigs, it looks like the moonscape. I didn't move here for the aesthetic beauty, that I can tell you. No, no, no, no. You moved there for other reasons, but who gives a fuck? I'm juggernaut. You are my, in my life, you and our brother that has passed on, Jim's Berkel, with my political compasses.

Because, as you know, I'm a fucking moron. I don't know anything about that stuff. I knew what I grew up in in North Bergen, but you guys always filled me in, and I was talking about this the other day. Did Governor Christie know about the bridge, Mike Duffy? I don't know, but I look. I don't have a dog in this fight.

I'm not really a Christie fan. After lowering the flag to have staff for junkies, promoting, you know, butt monkeys get married, and his illegal immigrant funding for schools, I'm really, I don't have a dog going to fight, but if this is the best you can come up with against them, you know, I think you're pissing in the wind, to be honest with you. Because it's not a big deal. For a Republican governor to get elected in a union-controlled state after bashing the unions,

you know, that worries the liberal side of the aisle on the Democrats because that's scary to them. And growing up in a political-democratic family for 30 years of my life, with my father who basically wrote the young Dems playbook the first thing you do is you you know liberals and Democrats left wing people can't stand up in the arena of ideas

just look at this Kenyan care it's a disaster and every day we just find out what more of a disaster Kenyan Care Kenyon care come on and then you've got then you've got

you know Nancy pussy Goular out there running around telling you sign the bill before you read it to find out what's in it. I mean, seriously, and then she gets reelected, I don't know. I don't get it. You know, the old adage you get what you ask for. And my stepson called me last week. I had raised him from the time he was about five.

And basically said to me, I got a bill from the IRS for 30-something hundred dollars, for $3,000 something on a dollar. I says, really? So we think about that. he says, I'm not going to get a tax return. I said, well, now you can thank all your young buddies who voted for because you're the one's going to get hosed the best. You know, you get what you ask for.

But as far as getting back to Christy, I don't, I don't, look, he did the first thing, the first rule of political damage control. He fired two people in his administration that he blamed for it. And, you know, he went out in Mayer Copeland. he mesabilized the media by having a two and a half hour press conference or whatever he did and he answered all the questions

so if you give them nowhere to go they got nothing they got nothing no he's he no who's ever advising them there I'm sure your buddies in North Bergen were jumping up and down huh well you know

you got some of the cretons that continue to get reelected you know whose last name starts with an answer you know people like that and womenizes abuses and child molesters I mean you got the gamut

I mean menend does I mean look at the sorry bunch and they keep getting elected. And, you know, they are all hoping this was going to be his doom and his downfall. Well, I don't think so. I think they've overplayed their hand. So now what are they doing? They're looking at how he spent campaign funds that were okayed by the federal government

on commercials because his family was going to asking people to come spend money in New Jersey. Is that where we're going? Because we struck out on the first issue. And again, the Democratic playbook and the liberal playbook is to throw as much crap against the wall hopefully something will stick because then you cloud the issues of the accomplishment. And that's what they do. That's what they're good at. I mean, that's an old maca tactic.

We learned that a long time ago when they ran against the Ruby. I mean, they threw so much mud against the wall. They made Zerubi look like Hibler. And that's how they won. And that's the tactic. You don't think if you can't baffle them, you know, if you can't win them with ideas, baffle them with bullshit. and that's basically what the democratic procedure is. They don't have a good idea.

Every plan they come up with is a disaster. From Amtrak to the DMV is a mess. And now you want them to run your health care. Okay. That's a good idea. Let me ask you something. We've been talking the last few days because in our hometown, they put up a page on Facebook.

Memories from North Bergen. And you and I both went on there, and it's all these fucking people that are like these fucking And Gentiles talking about, you know, showing pictures. I viewed it last night. Oh, my God. Everybody sparkles in unicorns, you know what I'm saying? Oh, my God.

I don't know if somebody's filtering the page, but if you really, if the truth be known, and some people start putting stuff on there about certain people who've opened the page and are running the situation, and, you know, there might be some pretty red asses and red faces running around after that comes on. I mean, every time I look at the fucking thing. they voted first of all the guy who runs the page joey leport doesn't like me

so i think i got i got snuck in by jazz love into memories from north bergen right like jazz nos loves me in there's it all tactic yeah so they snuck me in and every time i read this page it's it's this fucking

yeah it's unicorns and sparkle and you know we had a great time off forty six three hill i'm still waiting for the guy who puts down you know what about when carmine shot the guy seven times in self-defense in the back or stopping at Ernie's liquors and fucking knocking on the door and Ernie would be sleeping on the pool table. And he'd come give you a beer.

You could be fucking ten. You can be ten. Yeah, what about the keg robberies that went on? We followed a car of the beer truck for three miles doing deliveries. The minute he left the door, we pull up the other side of the beer truck, open the door, stay in the car, and you have a keg out.

And you had to fagging. And you had to go out. I mean, fagging. I mean, it didn't go on. It was human energy. it's a disaster. It really is. It's a lesson in concept morality corruption.

That's what that town is. It's a disaster. The kid who runs the page. Now, I'm not saying that we're not glad we grew up in it. The thing that I find funny is you've built a fan base on probably most of the people, I know, have probably said this on your talk show, but they basically said, well, you know, that's funny stories you make up. No.

No, it's not made up. Now, you might put a little spin to it to add. had some interesting points, but 99.9% of everything I heard you say has factual basis and basically turns out that way. Now, along the way, we might add a little colorful commentation, but I'm telling you, people find it hard to believe that there was a town that was that corrupt. I mean, what, 15 years, five recalls, locking me in the ceiling with voting books, like the truth was walk, you can't cuff the front and back door town all. I mean, it's madness. I still remember being up.

I mean, think about the classic story I tell people, and they laugh and shake their head, is when Joe and my father basically turn around and said, they put two blind women next to the voting machines, and then went in and warmed up the machine when you open it up. And then those women would tell you when they would sit there with their dark glasses on how people voted when they went in the voting booth. And tactics like that, people say, Jesus, that's genius.

No, it's Lex Luthor. evil genius, but it is democratic strategy and genius. We always think about a way to beat the system and usurp the authorities. That's the way the town is. So it will always be. And it's worse now, because

let me ask you this question. One of the last time you got a phone call and somebody said, we had a block party. We had a San Diego feast in the park. And not that the people didn't have to pay for it. Back in our day, there were buses leaving every weekend, taking kicks to Yankee Stadium. There were trips going to McDonald's Lake. I mean,

We lived in a paradise for kids, and it cost us nothing. So everybody got their beatwreck, as we say, in politics and did their thing. But they gave back. There's none of that going on anymore. That's over. That ever is gone forever. I grew up downtown, and I grew up in Carmine Balzano's neighborhood there. Right.

And there was nothing I wanted for, Mike Duffy. I am very lucky. God took my mother great. What are you going to fucking do? But he replaced the problem. with people and you were one of them and you know those are the memories I see in North Bergen. And when I taught my

fucked up story, listen there was a party with this. Somebody put the other day, I remember going up to Joe Marys and Lila she used to drink us when we were 16. I remember going up to John Mayer, we were 15, celebrating the party and her buying an ice cream cake and us on Coke and nobody ate the ice cream cake

and at the end of the night it was fucking melted with the Cuban flag on top of it. You understand me? Nobody touched it. Yeah, because nobody's going to touch the cake when they're all high on that shit because you're rubbing the enamel off your teeth and you just put a coat hanger

in your shirt hanging up in the closet. I remember that nobody, the guy was a loan shark that owned the bar and lent us all money. In fact, I don't know who owed them more. Me or Glenn Conti had them up to like 18,000

on fake fucking loans. You know, it was amazing the things we were introduced. Yes, I took my daughter to the park with my wife and I took up here the studio city, Bain Bridge Park or whatever.

Duffy, I got to get out of here. Because the reason why the kids are fucked up, Duff, is because the parents don't know who the fuck they are. I saw a mom that I could tell you, Duff, it took the 30 minutes to pick a shirt because God forbid she couldn't show her tattoos to the people that she got.

With a little Sinatra hat, with a feather, with the shirt, talking to the kid, and I'm sitting there going, this is why these kids are getting bullied. Because the parents are fucking weak. We grew up in a society that if I broke a window and your father's seen me, he'd pull me by the shirt

explained to me why that was wrong and then give me a dollar to get home. Right, and then you hope to God. That he didn't call your house. He didn't call your parents because you're going to get the ass whipping in your life. And they were real. Men were real.

The men I see up here with their kids with flip-flops on with those dirty fucking feet with a bag to let people know they're a fucking parent. In our fucking parks, all you've seen were women with their kids because the men were fucking working dog. Because when men were out there

fucking picking up bricks to do whatever the fuck you're going to do. You're going to walk around with you kill like a half a fag. We came from a precious time, a precious snapshot moment in time in the town we grew up in. And I got to be, I got to tell you, as corrupt, as crazy as that shit and as nuts as that town was, I cannot say that I am not thankful for growing up in the town. And you had a less fortunate to most of us. You know, the story you probably still haven't told most people is the time you started printing tickets up for basketball.

That was a classic. And then a certain person that owned pizzerias on Broadway was the bookie, along with Tommy, you know who. And they came to my father, and they said, there's somebody printing tickets and running book in the school. I thought the school was off limits. The old man said, it is. He said, well, do you know this kid?

And the old man smiled and goes, I know him. And then the old man called you in the office and said, you might have to give back to some of these people. And your answer was, I'm not giving none to them. I'm doing all the work. Why am I going to get them anything? I mean, some of the stuff, and not only that, you were one of the younger kids that, if you ever opened your mouth, a lot of people could have wanted to jail. Because some of the schemes and scams that went on, you were in the middle of.

You were in the car when it happened. And they knew they could trust you because you were a 13, 14, 14-year-old kid that kept your mouth shut. You try that crap now. and a John Q. Citizen and his mother and everybody else will have you in jail by tomorrow morning. It's amazing that once my mother moved to North Bergen, she brought that reputation to the block. Like the kids, a lot of kids knew, and they wouldn't talk to me. But the adults, because remember, just because I saw your kid on the basketball court,

now your mother would say to me, you see that guy that just came in? He says, you go to his house to eat. Do you understand me? So the kids, the parents knew. that my mom was on to something that they wanted so I could be trusted. I remember Sabatino telling me, Santhly Sabatino going, you know what? Can you call my mother at 4 in the morning tonight and tell her I'm with you?

Because my mother always feels better when she knows I'm with you late night. That fucking turned. It was amazing to me. I was 17. 17. Yeah, but that's a compliment. Yeah, but that's a compliment. That was the mother knowing, look, the kid's out.

He's probably up for no good. but I know if he's with Joey, things aren't going bad. He's going to get home safe. He's not going to be dead tomorrow morning. Because we knew how to push it, but we knew where to stop and where to draw the line. You know what I'm saying? And when we were younger, I got to say that friends, when I called you a friend, it meant something. You stood by your friends.

It meant something. My father would be proud of you because I don't know if you ever heard my father say this, But his famous expression was He would pull up and it'd be a guy Sweeping a floor somewhere in a gas station And he'd say, you see that guy right there? Don't look at him right now. Now look at him. He's not looking. That guy used to pitch for the Detroit Tigers.

Look at him now. He was, what's the biggest sin in life? And I would repeat it with him. Wasted talent. You found your niche. You found what your destiny was. You never gave up on it. And that's the respect I have for you. As raw, as sometimes you

big dice clay look on. As long as you are, you still have a fit, you achieved your plateau. Because you didn't give up. I wanted to be a pilot as a kid or a marine biologist. I became a pilot.

I did what I wanted to do. I never gave up on that dream. And that's a credit to who and where we came from. Yeah, you got to fucking shoot me with a bazook I've said it a thousand times, bro. You know, and the funny thing is,

I repeat this a thousand times, when I go to meet with somebody where I go to an audition mic when I go to do comedy right before I walk in there's a fucking doubt of insecurity well you know what that's that stage frighten

intimidation no that's just who we are but that keeps here but you know what Joe that's what makes you go out there and try so much harder that's that little trigger please that's you know why because that insecurity that we have for a second is because of what I just said.

We will never be failures. It's not in our genetic makeup. It's not going to happen. It's not who we were. Okay? It's not what we did. I mean, watching Daron Rago walked down fucking Kennedy Boulevard

with a microwave on his shoulder at three or more than the cops ask him where he's going. And he says, I'm going home to cook. And they'd laugh and keep driving. They know what he didn't even get him a ride. They know what he was doing. But that's, that was the way it was. We were straight up in her face.

This is what I'm going to do, and that's it. It's amazing that I have that doubt, and then, Mike, I realize I'm from fucking North Bergen, New Jersey, and I've seen worse. What's the worst thing that could fucking happen? What's the worst? You have a bad night? What's the worst? What's the end of the fucking world? This happened to little of us.

We all had bad days. I mean, I'm not like the idiots the other day when I flew for the airline and landed at the wrong airport. And I put on my Facebook, you know, that truck driving school is still taking application. That's amazing, Southwest. They did that to me last week. Airlines, we landed in Chicago, and then he goes, okay, welcome to Dallas. Let me give you your gates. And I'm sitting there going, was I that fucking stoned?

I got on the flight to Dallas. And I called her right over, and she came over. But you said an interesting thing, Mike. You really said an interesting thing that when I was a kid, Mike, from the age of five, I knew what my mother did, and I would lie to you, and I would lie to the people. I listened to the show. You know, my mother was a businesswoman. You know, she took book in the city.

she had a bank, but they're big, big money. And her addiction was blow. And I seen it at the age of five. I saw it in our apartment when we lived on 89th and Riverside Drive. We lived on Riverside Drive in 1970, Mike. Well, you had to be a Jew to live on Riverside Drive. It'll be a fucking dentist or a fucking lawyer. And here's this.

Yeah, so when you moved in there, a single mother with a son moved in there of Cuban descent, I mean, people must have been looking down there and those saying, well, you know, oh, there goes the neighborhood. I remember she used to do Santeria in that apartment. That's why I was introduced to Santeria. And they had to kill a chicken and a goat one time of day. And I remember sneaking the goat on the elevator. And it was filled with Jews.

And they were all looking at each other. And here's my mom with the goat. Like, how you doing? Happy Hanukkah. Fuck, you motherfucker. It's pulling the goat off like it was nothing. There's no. Hey, what are you complaining about Mike?

It was, but I always knew, Mike. And one of the things she used to say was, She used to always show me the three monkeys. Me, I all your guy. Your eyes, cover your ears, and hear no evil and speak no evil. And our expression was, Oh, my God. Stay in your own lane.

Mind your business. Mind your fucking business. And you pulled up on the corner and somebody was getting an ass whipping. If it wasn't a friend of yours, and you had no dog in that fight, you mind your business. You don't say two fucking words. But my father always said this, and I'm sure your mother did too. We would get in a fight. Carmine would come and get us out of jail in another town when we were kids.

Always because of fighting, no drugs, no robin, just fights. Me, Jimmy and Steve, the three amigos, always in trouble. And the first question would be, did he drink? And Jimmy and Steve would look at my father and go, no bear. He didn't drink. It was his idea to start to talk to. We would drink. And then he'd say, if you got a black guy, yeah, he better have to.

That was what he would say. You stand next to your friends. You always stand by them. If they won't shut your mouth, but you stand with him. But if they're right, and they come home with a black guy, you better have two. And that was the way he was. You stand by your friends. An Italian, the name was Stuposto.

Stand up. And that was what they were, and all my Italian relatives and Hoboken. That's what they would say about my father and say. That was the ultimate compliment you would have as an Italian, Stuposto. Well, Stuposto yourself, cucksucker. You know, I love you. Love you, too. Hey, uh, nothing.

It's a happy New Year to you and your family. You know, I love you and I'm happy you're still my friend after fucking 40 years. You know what I'm saying? You're more than a friend. You're like a brother. Always who's robolebone. And I'm happy you called in today and we'll talk over the weekend. God's a second.

God bless you when you're listening. God bless you too, brother, and all the listeners. Stay black and keep talking about the Kenyon on Facebook. I love it. Mike Duffman. Who, uh. Bye, bye, buddy. That's fucking.

craziness. I loved just seeing your face when he said, Can you even care? And I saw your eyes let up. Because now I know why you're friends with him. You're friends with them for like the second half of that conversation. But the first 10 minutes, you just get a kick out of it because he gets so riled up. I love getting robbed up for him. No, this kid in North Bergen.

Can you care. Listen, man, I'm a North Bergen guy all the way. And it breaks my heart when they do those pages and they don't talk about what it was really about. You know, and they mention shit. I'm sure people said somebody put some on the other day and they erased it right away. You know, but it just breaks my heart because I take that place sacred

and what it really gave to me. Let me give some shoutouts to my main man, Doug Marino, my main man, Greg Fuentes, Tommy Brooms, Albert Hansen, Nick Cutter, Zach Elliott, Lewis B.A., I love you, and the great motherfucking Ali,

J.D. Sauce guy, Matt Balthazar. What are you fucking nuts? Oh, wow. What? And as usual, how about a shout out to my main motherfuckers over in Onet taking care bitches? Thank God I got the fucking Shroom Tech. Thank God I got the alpha brain. I'm back. I'm focused. My eyeballs won't have no blood in them. Look at the alpha brain takes the blood right out of there. Don't let the reef of blood go to your fucking eyeballs and shit. I love Anit. So just remember they're having the sweepstakes. So go to Honet slash sweepstakes and join in.

You too could go to the Robbie Lawler fight in Dallas against Fidel. It's going to be a great card. Also, I want to give a shout out to my main motherfucking sponsors, Hulu Plus. I love you guys. I love what you do. I love, I tell you what I love the most about Hulu Plus. Between Honit and Hulu Plus, I get the most emails from people saying, thank you. Hulu Plus, you're fucking great. And that's why I hope you stay around forever because I'm not even pushing you. It's, I'm just passing you along. People are saying, thank you for fucking doing this.

I never knew. For $7.99, you get unlimited. You can watch it on your iPhone, iPad, I foot, I shoe, I eyeball, you can watch it everywhere. TV shows, movies, original programming, 799 a month. That's $96 a year. And to get the party start, I'm going to throw you two weeks for fucking free because that's how we roll here on the church of what's happened now. Go to Joey Dears.net. Look at the tour schedule and at the same time go to Hulu Plus and press, Joey.

In the box, there you go. Joey, bam, in the fucking box. Get two weeks for free. Give them your credit card. Do the fucking $7.99 a month. You're not going to regret it, okay? It's like, on it. Honit right now has the fucking get it.

Stay on it, program. You get 20% off a month, and they automatically fucking send you the thing in a rotation once a fucking month. You can't beat that. Honored is trying everything they can to get you fucking healthy. This morning I had the hemp chocolate shake.

You see me hungry? No. I just blasted the fart of life, and it's really got no fucking whiff to it. It sounds like a little cocoa powder. I'm sure that's a fucking chicken. Cutlet. No, it doesn't. You can't smell it, cocksucker. So go to honor.com, press

what in the box? Church. C-H. U-R-C-H. Bam! Just like that. And get your motherfucking shit together. Get your head on right. Get it straight because you only live fucking once. Take care of yourself, Coxucker. Be a good friend for yourself. For years, I didn't take care of myself. I've got the residuals on my tithies. I got marks on my fucking face and snorting coke and picking my face.

Take care of yourself. That's all Uncle Joey asks. You take care of yourself. Write your goals. Do your jumping jacks. Eat your whole meal. and get ready to stab a bitch because it's fucking tough out there for a fucking pimp, you know what is it? What is it, Lee? What is it, God said?

Nothing. What do you mean nothing? You got nothing for me? I got everything for you. What do you got? We had a great, uh, we had a, Mike Bataya, a comic. We had him from Breaking Bad on flying Jue radio the other day. I was great.

I was a great time. Yeah, it was a great time. Interviewing skills are on point. I'm hearing. And you should you really. What can I say? To compete with some fucking people on television. We'll be on 60 minutes soon.

60 fucking minutes. I love it. I love that he called. I love that my friends get to share some shit with us from time to time and just show you, you know, it ain't all fucking fun and games here, but I was really insulted yesterday at the park. I don't know why. I really took it seriously, and you figure out why a kid's a little weaker.

I look at kids and I go, what the fuck? And that's why, because the fucking parents are figuring out what the fuck they want to do. So how are you going to, if you don't have a good fucking foundation at the house, these fucking kids are going to go up and be half of fags through, like walk around like Momo's. Yeah. Fuck that shit. You know, I look at my friend's kids. I look at Josh Bull's kids.

Those kids are solid because Josh will fucking stay on that fucking kid. Josh will really fucking stand on that kid. You know, he steals booze from Josh from time to time and shit. And that's what we're supposed to do. I don't want a fucking kid that's half dead. I want the kid to push the fucking envelope a little bit

to show me he's alive. To show me he's got fucking hope. Hope, motherfucker, bitch. What's up, Lee? I'm all excited. I know. Have you talked to Terry and it's years away? But what you're going to do about

like Internet and self-off? because I can't tell you how many people I've seen on Twitter who are like 8 and 10 and doing videos who are that young and it's like they're sending like there's this one guy on Twitter

called Hunter Moore. Do you remember that? A couple years ago there's this website where people were sending nudes and this guy's thinking he got shut down or his old side or whatever. He's like a 20 year old guy who had girls sending him naked pictures of themselves and I can't imagine and I go to his page sometimes on Twitter

and like 16 year old girls are saying when I turn 18 I'm going to send 100 more nudes to put online and it's just like they all call him father it's really weird I can't imagine what it's going to be like If you don't feed the cat at home he's going to go out and play in the garbage league

if you don't feed the fucking cat at home he's going to go out and playing the fucking garbage when you have any child it's very important you know I think of the 20 situations I got myself into as a kid but guess what I got myself into him because I can get myself out of him. Do you understand me as a kid?

I pushed the envelope a little bit, but I was able to get myself out of it from the lessons my mother taught me. And the little things. One was that don't even talk to them. Don't even talk to these motherfuckers. Don't even get involved. Don't even get involved in their world.

When they come up to you and tell you their story about how they're just looking for help or come to their apartment, listen, I can't help you. You want to help me? Go talk to my mother. She's on 29th Street in Bergland at that bar, and they would shut the fuck down.

There's just so many fucking things, Lee, that I like to pass on to my daughter. And just in case I die and I can't, I would want that. You know, when I first had Jackie, my first daughter, I wanted so many things for her. You know, and what do you want for your kids? You want them to be healthy. You want them to get along with other children, but you also want them to fucking get their own back. You want them to be able to take care of themselves. Something ever happens.

You know, when Tanya Messina called her, Dr. Tanya. She talked about when, you know, she would take her kids whenever you. young and stop them in the street and go, what would happen right now have you lost mommy? What would you do? Where would you run to? Who would you call? What number? How much money do you have in your pocket?

You know, you have to have your kid prepared. I remember I was at a, I was a two conservative comics, so I won't drop their fucking faggy names at a dinner one night. This is way before I had mercy, or way before Mercy was even thinking and getting conceived. And they were talking about their kids, and they asked me some stupid, fucking conservative questions, which they didn't want the answer to. They didn't want the answer I was going to give them, but they just wanted to test my knowledge, it seemed like. And I told them that my mom wasn't the best mom in the world, but she did something that was very important.

I was prepared. When she left as hard as I didn't want it to be, for her to be gone, there was a point where I had to kiss her goodbye. And it was that last night at the wake. I knew that everything she taught me was going to be in effect right now. and if I think back for years I was angry at my mom for dying and God for taking her but I was thankful about the things she taught me

because at 15 I was able to cover the spread do you know what I'm saying like I was really able to cover the spread I wouldn't have been able to and I had good parents but at 15 they'd never prepare you for that and you know I feel bad for mercy mercy's going to grow up with older parents which is going to mean that she's going to have an old soul I don't think it's a bad thing I think it's a great thing

It's a good thing, but I didn't look at, you know, Lee, last week we were talking about something, and I said something to you about, I giggled that year about going to Fenway and taking pictures in that conversation. That's what I didn't have as a kid. I overlooked those things, because when you're an adult, you overlook those things. You forget to loving those things. When you're a kid, you have to get that love as a kid. I didn't have that. When I was eight and nine, I was thinking about other things.

Yeah, I like baseball, but I was thinking about other things. when I was 14 and 15 and we were printing up fake fucking lottery tickets. You know, those football pools? Yeah. You know, and we're passing them out and shit like that.

I mean, that was where my mind was. I was into making money because I had to make money at 15. At 15 a kid shouldn't be thinking about money. You should be thinking about how he should get money from his parents to get sneakers. And the rest of the time, you should be worried about school

and his favorite team and his favorite colors because you only have one fucking life. And that's what I went through. I grew up too fucking fast. I didn't smell a lot of roses, so I don't have appreciation. for them, but I know that going in. I know that, but I think

having older parents isn't, it's not like, because now people live longer, so I think you're going to be a better parent than not even, even if, even if Jackie wasn't in the picture, then you would have been 20 years ago. I think, I don't think, I think you wouldn't, you won't make the same mistakes.

You're going to appreciate it more. Yeah, but it's weird that that's the most important thing to me is to let her know that she could take care of herself. You know, that was very important to me. This book is very hard for me to write because at times I shut it down for a week because the pain is too much, the pain of the realization of what really happened.

You know, I was allowed to stay out at night, you know, and part of me said, oh, maybe my mother didn't love me, and she let me stay out until midnight because there was only three of the 50 kids that hung out with that could stay out until late. But at the same time, she was preparing me, that there is a nighttime, and this is what happens at midnight. This is the people. I knew after midnight not to stop, not to talk to nobody,

not to make eye contact, keep your fingers in your hands, get ready to punch somebody, you know. She prepared me for those little things. You know, when I get up in the morning at 5 and come over here in the car, it's dark out. And there's times I'm walking on the street by myself. You could jump me and have 15 minutes before another car pulls up. Yeah, it's true.

But what doesn't scare me is I've been in that position before, you know, when it's life. So, yeah, today we went off on the tangent about raising kids or whatever, but this is raising yourself also. Yeah. This is about raising your fucking self also. Your awareness, what the fuck is going on, getting up, writing the fucking goals,

smoking some refa, and making it happen for yourself on a fucking daily basis. Fuck Joel Osteen. God is great, but he ain't there walking with your hand in hand. You've got to walk by yourself, and that's your uncle Joey and the fucking flying Jew come in and on it and Hulu Plus. Don't forget this Friday and Saddam at the Melrose Improv

the week after that, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, House of Comedy in Minneapolis in the fucking mall. Get your tickets now and the Wednesday after that, me and Lee Syatt, the Flying Jew live podcast, 8 p.m. The Ice House, the first one of the fucking year. Get out there. Tickets are cheap. It's a Wednesday night. Who gives a fuck?

You're two weeks away from Valentine's Day. You might as well take her out for the first date. So by Valentine's Day, you're eating that ass. And then the thing I noticed, I didn't realize this yesterday. You're only doing one show or not at the improv. You're not doing it. I thought it was two shows a night. It's an 8 o'clock show. 8 o'clock show, that's it. I'm out of that.

So, yeah, tickets are going to go fast. You're done out of there. 10 o'clock, you jump up and down, go to a VIP to help people you're an artist. I don't give a fuck. But hopefully not. Hopefully you'll stick around and smoke some refa. The flying Jews are going to be eating edibles. He's going to be over his bronchial.

How long have you eating that edible now? A monthly. Probably, yeah. I can't imagine doing it with this. You know what the whole boomie bears are at duty of this time? Your fucking ears, look, you get sick just thinking about. Look at it. Oh, no, because even when I'm normal, I can feel like my, I can feel my, like, swallowing.

when I'm on that stuff so I can't imagine with the coffee. And don't forget the 24 hour podcast right now is going off of my main man Yuck Nasty. Hopefully I'll be calling it to Mike Maxwell's podcast depending on how long this fucking thing goes at 11 o'clock. What's the number for the 24 hour podcast

if you want to call it right now? But it's a, if you can go to GoFundMe slash Yug Nasty let me find the number for you guys. And I called in last night and I if you want, go to download and you can

I'm auctioning off a call and find you radio and me helping out with a podcast or my underwear for for 250. 250? I said 250 clean, 500 dirty. And what's dirty consist of a skid mark?

I said I'd walk around with you for a day and I'd give it to him. I'm going to Jill Hemmintzum. I must have it up, right? Fuck. Jill Hymittu. Shake those motherfuckers. Here we go. I love dealing with my girl.

All right. The phone number is 619-9-663-3-3-1-2-4. Calling right now, yuck-nasty, donate a dollar. If everybody donates a dollar from the church, this kid will have his fucking thing. He can move in his kid. They can have a fucking couch and a refrigerator and live like normal fucking Puerto Ricans.

You understand me? So do us all a favor. What's the fun thing? Cut this shit. Go-fund me. You may not have time. You may not have time. Let's cut through the fucking chase, okay?

or the church donated all we're asking is one fucking thing a dollar one dollar just do us that favor one dollar on your ATM club on your ATM or out of your PayPal ain't gonna make you a fucking break you okay I put it on my ATM card it was no fucking problem

so please donate to yuck nasty one fucking dollar if today if it means not going to fucking Hulu and putting it off till tomorrow or something like that Hulu won't get mad they're still there they're all week a dollar ain't gonna do dick for you a dollar for yuck nasty that's the word of day a dollar for fucking yuck nasty that's the word of the day I love you

motherfuckers stay black me got some music before we let you go naturebox.com for the snacks while you're watching the 24 hour podcast no nature box is only Monday this week oh never mind yeah yeah nature boxes only Monday but take care of them anyway nature box a good company you're up-in-comers I've been getting some good fucking feedback on the on the snacks the snacks are delicious so I wouldn't bullshit you again go to joey dears.net click on the nature box you get 50% off on your first order remember they were a subscription service. So once you sign up, you get the same order if you want it every month,

or they'll mix it up for you on their own on what's hot and what your preferences are. Go to naturebox.com.com right now on the joeycoco-deas.net page and go fucking crazy. Tour dates on there. Knock yourself to fuck out. We love you. Have a great day. Be safe. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey or go to joeydea's.net and click on the Hulu Plus beer.