The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #142 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: February 28, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT..... It's Monday, February 28th.... This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by CBD Lion, Stamps.com & DraftKings….. Go to https://www.cbdlion.com Use Promo Code: JOEY For 20% OFF Your Order!l Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCHl Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use promo code JOEY to get $100 in free bets when you bet just $1 on UFC 272 If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/MI/NJ/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP(AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org/chat  (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 1-877-770-STOP (7867) (LA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), call/text TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA). 21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA/MI/NH/NJ/NY/OR/ PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. Min. $5 deposit required. Eligibility restrictions apply. See http://draftkings.com/sportsbook for details. Go to https://www.Stamps.com Use Promo Code: JOEY for a 4 Week Trial, Free Postage & a Free Digital Scale! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint  The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

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stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the page, and enter code Joey. Now let's get this party started. It's Monday, Jack. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here, February 28th. The last day of the fucking month, we did it. In between the inflation, the wars, the fucking bullshit, the racism. Uncle Joey's here to get the weak start on the right motherfucking foot. I talk about inflation because I'm finally starting to fucking see it.

We went to get Mercy some pants the other day. And my wife was like, wait a second. And we used to buy these same fucking pants for $18, $19. They're up to fucking 40. And my wife was like telling me all these price things. Oreos are up. You know, I don't know when they're going to stop. But hey, fuck all that shit.

We'll figure it the fuck out. We'll put it together. And we'll keep fucking plowing through this shit. Tip, top magout. My head goes out. My heart goes out. My head goes out. I'm fucking stone.

Don't worry. I got my little fucking ice. cream cake, little live resin hitter, oh my God, I got Listen, I never even knew What live resin was, I'm not gonna lie to you I didn't tell you, I knew, I don't, guys, I'm an old man, I know Rifa, you know what I'm saying?

All of a sudden they started doing vapor pens, the vapors were okay, they weren't taking me to where I needed to go Sometimes in a hotel room In the morning, a vapor would work So I gave them up, why fucking, but then I took my little sabbatical from Rifa ABX sent me some

fucking live resin. Those, you your plug in, they charge, fucking tremendous. I remember one day I went to Jimmy's on Sunday football, and I brought one with me, and I had to come back and take a fucking nap. I was stoned to the gills. I was like, what the fuck is this? I was falling to sleep at his house.

And then ice cream shop sent me these. These are just throwways. I got to tell you something. They hit like a fucking mule. So if you're in the area, stop by and get one of these little fucking live, I don't even know what live resident is. I can lie to you and tell you of the mind.

I don't know nothing. I just smoke it. You know what I'm saying? I don't know nothing. I'm one of those idiots. I don't know nothing about trees. I don't know nothing about fucking how to grow fucking weed. I grew weed one time in my whole life.

Snowmass Village, 1986. I grew weed. I was doing a good job with it. And then whatnot I would smoke in bazookas. That's when you put the cocaine in the joint. I ran out a reef, so I took the plants, cut them, and smoked it. I don't remember nothing. I don't know nothing about nothing.

But anyway, let me take a little hit to get the fucking day started. I've been watching, you know, I told you guys I watched the fucking wire for like, I don't know, two months. And we didn't even call Dominic back. I'm going to get Dominic back here in a few weeks. What I did, I went right to Oz. Listen, I don't know what else is on TV. So I just wanted to see all these great HBO shows. I got HBO Max.

So I said, let me put on Oz. For you guys that don't know, Oz is a show about prison. You know, and it's a typical, just a regular show about prison with all these characters going in and out. You got your Italians, you got your Muslims, you got the blacks, you got the Irish, you got just, you know, a typical fucker. You got the bikers. You got the Aryan fucking world, you know.

And it's so weird when you watch something like that and you've been locked the fuck up. Like, I was locked the fuck up, you know. And I wrote this book, The book is done, like I told the Patreon people on Friday. My book is done. We wrote it. I want to give a shout out to Erica Florentine.

Thank God. I bumped into her. We've been writing this book for 13 fucking months. It's done. I love it with all my heart, you know. But writing a book gave me a, and moving back here, gave me a big fucking reflection point. Like, I don't know if it was in the cards or what,

but when I moved here, maybe three months later I started writing the book and then I you know because I wasn't going to go on the road so I knew I had to do fucking something so I go okay you're not going to go on the road joy

but you got to be doing something you got to do something you're just not going to sit on your fucking hands thank God Mike kept bugging me to start the podcast we went back to the podcast but that wasn't enough I still had to do something

so I said fuck it let's write the book you know nobody gets out of here alive so let's write the fucking book and I tell you man while being here and telling the first, you know, 10 chapters of growing up and stuff like that, it at home a different way. You know, by that time I had gone up to the cemetery and saw my mother's grave. I had gone into the neighborhood.

So, you know, it brought back, it jotted, it jolt your memory a little bit when you go back to the neighborhood and park your car and walk around. So the first 10 chapters were easy to write. I mean, there weren't, nothing's fucking easy to write in my work. because I got so many things going on in my fucking head. I got Chinese people yelling. I'm hearing missiles from Ukraine. Russia's got a fucking a fire thing that they fucking burn you with. Did you see that at the border?

They have like these fire things. They could just flame throw it. They just fucking vaporize you. I need one of those fucking flame throws. A lot of people I like to fucking vaporize just for fun. You know what I'm saying? But anyway. Elon gave one to jail.

Did he? A flame throw? Shit. I got to borrow it from the next time I go down. But it's funny how when I wrote the prison part of the book, I really paid extra attention to it because I knew what that had done for me. There was death and kidnappings and stupidity and drug deals. Yeah, that's all included. But if you really think about the turn to.

point in my life what because listen like I was telling Mike when he came here if you would have if we were wrote the book the way my life happened and you were to read it after like 10 chapters you would have said

Joey I keep reading this stuff over and over and it doesn't change it's like every six months you try to get clean you try to get go decent you try to become a fucking decent American and then six months later you're starting all over again.

It really got fucking old and monotonous. So we had to put all that shit together, eliminate a lot of the stuff that didn't, you know, that didn't contribute to the story. I wanted to book the fucking tell you what was going on in my head at the time, how I was seeing it. So it's funny that I'm watching his eyes lately, and it made me actually go back to those prison chapters again,

We already wrote them. They were already in my old file, my computer. I just wanted to re-see what I had put out there to the world. If it was accurate enough, you know, because, remember, I was fucking withdrawn at the time. You know, this had a, I was withdrawn for a year, and I didn't know what the fuck was going on. I'd like to tell you I was. I don't know what the fuck was going on. We'd get on the phone, me and Erica, talk for an hour, and that night I go,

what the fuck did I talk to Erica about this one? I have no idea. I'd have to check my fucking notebook and see what year we were on or what situation we were on. But not to take anything away from anything. I think the prison for me was, it was a turning point. And, you know, it's so weird. I got the call on a Friday that I was going to go to prison on Monday. And I think Friday and Saturday I was rattled.

But then it's like everything else in my life. I woke up Sunday and I was prepared to take what they were given. Like I was just prepared. You know, like when I went for a knee surgery, like I didn't want to fucking get the surgery. But I seen some fucking chubby dude fucking pull up, and he took a beer out and shit. And I'm like, I don't want that to fucking be me.

And I remember when the day of the surgery, you know what? I'm a pussy, guys. I usually start complaining. My knee hurts. I don't feel good. I give myself excuses. I got up. I took a shot.

I ate breakfast. I went down to Brick Hospital. I walked in. They did it. There was a little complication with my fucking. They couldn't find. the vein to stick the IV in all the fucking time because they put it in your fucking hand.

You know, what did I come in from a fingering contest? That my veins are going to be popping out my fucking hands. So it's the truth. Like, I don't know. In the morning, my veins ain't out. I've got to lift some weights and do some push-ups and eat some pork chops and roll some joints and crush up weed.

Once you crush up weed, all the veins, see? The veins come out. But if I go on there in the morning, I can't find the fucking... But anyway, I don't even know how we got on the fucking talk of the veins. but the the fucking prison thing like Friday and Saturday I was thinking of split Sunday I woke up and I'm like I'm taking what's coming to me

and I'm going to do the best I can the first thing that fucking Ed K-Bash told me was not to get in the circle jerks he goes I want you to avoid the circle jerks when you go to prison I want you just to fucking be in a library yeah that's what I did

That's what they call. Circle jerks. Circle jerks. A circle jerk is four guys talking. Okay. When you see, you look out into the fucking, like, and I noticed it on Oz also, like, when they show the scene of the, I don't know what they fucking call them, the pods, okay? A pod is maybe, a pod is maybe 32 Invicts, two Invicts, two Invict for fucking room, that's 60.

fucking rooms in a pod. And when they open up that pod, there's 32 people in there, right? Wrong. There should be, there's usually 26 of them fucking around in the pod, talking, watching TV,

gambling. But the other people who know the old-timers, the guys who've been in there before, they're in their rooms reading. They're in their rooms doing push-ups. They volunteer somewhere. They get out of that circle jerk.

They want you out of that circle jerk. And that's exactly what I did. And for me, I don't like reading in my room. They had a library. So whenever I had spare time, I went to the fucking library. I just remembered all those things. From watching Oz, I remembered all those things. And when I went over the fucking prison chapter,

it really affected me prison. Like, it really did. And you guys are at home going, yeah, well, it should, Joey. What the fuck? No. No, no, no, no. How many people do you know that go to jail and don't go back? How many people go to jail?

come out and within a year you know there's percentages and the odds are always against you the odds I read some shit when I got locked up I went to the University of Colorado library before I got sentenced and I just read up on as much as I fucking

could on you know to prepare myself I didn't know what I was getting into you know you see all these prison movies and shit and remember I knew I didn't know that I never knew anything about prison I saw the Valachi movie movie with Charles Bronson.

I saw escape from Malcatraz, and I remember being a kid and seeing the original Longest Yard. I remember being on my feet, and at that point in my life, I didn't have a dream of being a criminal. I was joining the Army and going to become an attorney and shit,

but after I saw the Longest Yard and saw those fucking criminals jumping up and down, I'm like, that sounds like fucking fun going to jail. And I knew some people that had been to jail and shit. You know, like at the bar,

my mother's bar, a couple guys came in there that had gone to jail, including my stepfather. And I remember talking to them about the longest yard. They're like, we don't know what the fuck

you're talking about. Nobody plays football in there. That's just a fucking movie, a Hollywood movie. But anyway, I always remembered that, that always struck a call with me that movie for some reason.

I saw Rocky at that movie theater. I saw fucking Bruce Lee at that movie, the Union City Cinema, great little movie theater. They didn't ask you for fucking ID. They didn't give a fuck how old you? If you had the $2, you got to end the fucking story.

I saw The Exorcist there. Yeah, tremendous movie did it. Some fucking white dude ran it in the fucking 70s and 80s. But that's not what I'm talking about. Here, Joey, don't go off fucking track. I'm talking about my prison experience. I knew when I was like 21 that I was going to end up in prison. When or where, I had no fucking idea.

I just knew I was going to end up in my heart. I thought I would go to jail when I was like, like 39 and have like a life sentence. That's what I saw when I was 21, 22, and 23. That's what I really saw. I've always been a type of guy that I'm very fucking honest with myself.

Like, you know, I'm not gonna fucking, you know, was that a funny set? No, nobody laughed. You know what I'm saying? It's not funny. Get to the real world. Smoke a joint and get in the real world. I would never be one of those guys

that comes in with fucking mind fucks. I'm gonna be present or whatever. But when I got sentenced to, when I knew I was going, I'm like, listen, I'm just going to take what they're giving to me. Going there with an open heart, you know, not let nobody fuck with me. I'm going to be firm. First motherfucker that fuck someone.

I'm going to hit him in the head with a chair. So there's no mis on the fucking standings. I mean, really, that's how you have to think. You know, when you walk into a prison, you know, in my situation, I went to diagnostic first. There's a thousand fucking guys in there. And they all got a different fucking agenda for you. So I kept to myself, there was this one. black dude i fucking talk with in there funny as fuck i don't know where he ended up i still

fucking think about him i still remember what i what he looked like uh this guy was hilarious because he would get on the phone with his girlfriend he was one of those black dudes that fucking yelled out on the phone and shit and he would get on the phone or something and you could hear him like in the you know people talk on the phone they whisper this brother was loud than fuck and he would get on the phone and yell at her for a little while about God, I had no idea. If I was 20, whatever the fuck I was, 26, this guy was maybe 30. And he would get on the phone and at the end of every conversation would go. Now, you guys know that in prison nobody calls you.

You got to call them collect. But this guy would always end the conversation with, listen, bitch, don't call here no more and he hang up on. I go, what the fuck? You know, like, what the fuck are you talking about? Don't call here no more, bitch, and he'd hang upon it. You know, like, you don't expect, you think when you go to prison, you're going to be fucking sad and miss your people. Listen, you miss them for about an hour.

Because once you get to prison, you're on fucking full lockdown mode. You're ready to stab them, motherfucker. You're not thinking about nobody. You lose all those little faggy fucking emotions, you know, you really do. because you're just worried about fucking living. You know, you saw all these movies, you hear all these things. You go in a fucking shower with a soap

wrapped around your wrist with a string. Don't drop the soap. Cucksuck, I won't. It's wrapped around my fucking wrist with a fucking piece of soap and shit with a string. I got a little itches. But when I went to prison, man,

it was, for me, it was really a time to rest. Like, I went in there to rest, like to take a fucking breather. like, you know, when you watch Goodfellas, you know, the girl's talking to him, Lorraine Brock was talking to him. She's like, well, look at Jeannie's husband. You know, he went to jail, and she's like, you know why he went to jail to get away from Jeannie, you know? And I truly believe that.

I think as you get older in the fucking system and you cop like a small, like if you're an old gangster and you cop like a fucking small thing, like conspiracy to commit, you know, obstruction or something like that, would they put you in jail for a year, which is basically like eight months. I think you look forward to that shit. I really do when you were in the rat race. Because for me, as soon as I went in there, I had a high stress level. And after about, once I got to my location,

like after two weeks, I rested. I just rested. Like it was done. There was nothing you could do. What are you going to escape? Why? You got fucking two years to do. Where are you going to go?

You could do that standing on your fucking head. I got the job in the fucking kitchen And something when I was in there Like the first month Yeah you don't know You're giggling, you're starting to meet people You don't know who's who I remember the first fucking week

I got to camp George West These two New Yorkers Got pinned to me Like upstate New York motherfuckers Like I'm a New York city guy What the fuck do you guys want? Yeah, from the time I walked in that fucking prison For the first week

I still remember these two creepy fucking looking dudes. One of them was short and he was like the second in command to the other guy. Like the other guy would say something and he'd go, what do you think? Yeah, boss, let's do it. I swear to God. It was right out of the TV show.

Two fucking retards trying to get over on Uncle Joey, but God knows what. I had no fucking idea what they were trying to do. I think they were into heroin and shit. They were trying to sell me the cotton balls. Like when you shoot heroin, you put the cotton. I think you put the

cotton in and you mix it and then you put the needle into the cotton ball and you pull the fucking jujuice in and then you fucking shoot yourself but that cotton balls got shit in it that's worth money so these guys were selling the fucking cotton balls like the fucking scabs of everything these motherfuckers were selling so I think after like a week I lost these guys then I got put in the kitchen and then I got to tell you guys something you ever hear people saying like They got the best love they've ever had. Like, this is the love of my life and all this shit. I got to be honest with you guys.

Because I've had time to think about it. I've been watching odds for like three fucking weeks now. So every time I watch and my wife goes upstairs, I turn the TV off. And I actually think about, you know, what happened to me in prison. Why? And one of the things that happen. You know how people say that I met one of my great loves?

I got to be honest with you guys. When I got the, when I got locked down, I ended up meeting one of the best friends. Like, if I look at my life in the span of friends that I had, I bumped into the guy that I thought, I was scared for a while because I heard all the stories of people going to prison and coming out a little street wiser

and then really spreading out in their horizon and really becoming a full-time fucking criminal. Excuse me, I fucking... met a guy named Toray Piles. I don't know. Maybe my second week we worked together in the kitchen. Good looking dude. Look like Michael B. Jordan.

Same smile. Had like a big diamond earring. We were both about the same age. The only thing between the both of us is he was a fucking professional drug dealer. He was a professional. This guy was making money in the seven-digit range moving cocaine at my age. He had seven, count them, seven women with all different cars with all his kids. Seven kids with seven different women, and they came to visit him three times a fucking week.

He would do two visits a fucking day, and he would tell the one baby's mom are not to fucking come. This guy was the real deal. No jewelry, no bullshit, no, he thought he was cute. He was just a kid who grew up poor in the project of Compton or Crenshaw, wherever the fuck he came from. His brother got shot. His father got shot. This kid was fucking harder than fuck. He wasn't a heavy.

He wasn't a bully. He was a handsome fucking young brother. Nice build. You know, just we became friends in the kitchen. We had each other's back. I was the stock clerk. I think he was like the fucking expediter for the food. Like he would check with me.

And that's how we became friends. And then he moved into my fucking, because all the kitchen people worked, lived together. That was part of the rule that if you work in the kitchen, it's better that you live together. So, because everybody has to get up at 5 in the morning, four in the morning, shit like that. So instead of the COs going from, you know,

it was like maybe eight dorms, from them going to dorm the dorm, they just put us all on the same. fucking army barrack and that's when him and I hit it to fuck off. I mean, I made a lot of good friends in that

to be honest with you but he was special him and I we were like fucking fricking frack we lifted weights together we ran together we exercised together

we ate Chinese food together we had so many fucking things that we were friends about like we used to love nutter butters he's a nutter butter motherfucker motherfucker now I'm another butter motherfucker.

We used to buy. We used to get another butters on Sundays and Saturdays and stock them up for Sunday night. The Bundys, America's Most Wanted. Remember the Bundys, Love with Marriage? On Fox, that show, that was our shit on Sunday nights. Sundays was big fucking day at the prison. We get an early...

I got my visits on Mondays and Tuesdays alone. I was going to get a piece of ass. You know what I mean? Married with children. So Sunday nights was like America's Most Wanted, the NFL, something else. And then married with children. So we'd stock up. There were these two Mexican cousins.

They come in. And every Sunday they bring in fucking tacos and burritos. We'd clean them the fuck out. My wife would bring my girlfriend at the time. I'm sorry. My girlfriend would bring fucking Chinese food in. And then his girlfriend would bring another business. butters and fruit and apples and protein powder and his girlfriend would do the same and on sunday nights

we'd shoot over to that fucking age unit and we bring food for everybody and we get them all fucking hop and the age guys would come out with their fucking rashes and shit and hang out with us there was four out of five eight guys were in there like they had five rooms and four of them were the age guys win the rooms it was a black dude that was fucking hysterical I I never, you know, I always think about him, and I say a prayer for these motherfuckers. He was the one that when you were losing and gambling, he would look at you and go,

walk, walk, walk, walk. And ain't over to the fat lady sings, but she's busting out of the fucking car right now. He would say all these, he would say all this fucking crazy shit. Then there was this, there was four of them in the age, there was a black guy that was ready,

and there were none of them were gay. They were all fucking, Babanya shooters, you know, and they would talk about shooting heroin and shit. We go over there, fucking have platters out. Cold cuts. It didn't even fucking look like a prison. Even the guards were coming and go, what the fuck are you guys doing there on Sunday nights?

We'd be in there all fucking day. Whatever time football started to 11 o'clock at night. And there's something to switch. Like, yeah, I was taking some action in there. You know, you got it. That's, everybody wants to gamble in there. I teamed up with this old dude and I started taking action. But I got to tell you something.

A lot of people were doing a lot of fucking weird things in there. Some things I remember. Some I don't. But I will tell you something. I remember at one point, like at the third month of the, yeah, about the third month in prison, me saying to myself, you know what? Yeah, I fucked up. I came to prison

I But that's also the first time I felt satisfaction of being a man Like that expression being a man I go you know what I manned up I could have ran away like a little fag And ruined my life forever I manned up

And I manned up because I never wanted to be in that position again I didn't want to be on the hunt I didn't want cops looking for me I enjoyed kidnapping people I'm not gonna lie to you I enjoyed putting guns out. I enjoyed stealing. If you want me to tell you that, you know,

oh, Joey stole because he was hooked on drugs. No, no, I love to tell you that excuse. That's what made me do it, but it didn't. I stole because I enjoyed it at the time. My mind at that time was the world fucked me over, so I'm in business to fuck the world over now. You know, the world hurt me by taking my mother and, you know, taking my father at a young age.

You know, that was the fucking excuse I made. I don't think I ever made the excuse knowingly, but I think I made the excuse, you know, on the sly that, you know, God dealt me a bad fucking hand. And that's what it really is. I talk to somebody three or four times a week. A dear friend of mine, he lost his mom at the age of 10. He's told me so many times about his unhappiness with God.

He doesn't believe in God. God's a douchebag. and I want to interrupt and say but I mind my business because and he's got two kids you know he hasn't seen the beauty of life I don't know if it's the beauty of God or the love of God's hands or any of that shit

I just know that Mike it's a beauty when you have children you know and it really makes you look at life and go whatever I felt before maybe I'm not an atheist maybe I but you got to believe in something when you look at your kids

I know I do when I look at my daughter I go, you know, maybe I've been conning myself or maybe the fuck not, you know. But after like three months, I knew, you know, I didn't know that I was going to stop smelling coke. I just knew that I wanted to have a life, just a regular fucking life. I didn't want to be in movies or anything. I just wanted to be a normal guy. I got up in the mornings.

I had a job. I had a girlfriend, you know, a girlfriend that I didn't do drugs with. you know, that she wasn't part of my fucking criminal enterprise. I just wanted these things, man. I didn't know how I was going to make money. I was worried, but not really. I always had a knack for making just regular money. But at that point, my life, 28, I was already 10 years behind

where all my friends were. I was fucking, at least that's how I felt. At that time, I was 10 years behind. I'm coming out of jail I'm 28 fucking I'm coming out in 1989 that puts me

at 3 27 I'm coming out of fucking prison at 27 I got felonies I can't get license for anything I can't really get a real fucking job

I could get you know fly by night job so how am I gonna fuck I got no parents I got no co-signer I basically got nothing so I'm gonna have to

fucking come out and start from I didn't know anything about goals I love to tell you at 27 that I knew of the power of the pen I fucking didn't I just

lived my life on the seat of my pants how a lot of us do you know I think there's tough ages when you're growing up I think the age of like 11 to 14 is tough

it was tough for me you know I was just getting into my groove at like 12, 13 14 14 I remember my mother died I was so upset that I had a I had just gotten into my groove.

I had just gotten accepted by my friends. I was played basketball. I smoked dope. I did all these stupid fucking things, but I was just getting into my fucking groove. When I went to prison, I had no fucking groove. I'm not going to be there. I had no fucking groove.

I was just a runaway fucking Hirakawa, you know, just a fucking Indian trying to fucking put the pieces together. I wasn't doing anything. But when I got out of prison, I came out with a fucking purpose. Number one, I knew I didn't want to go back in there again, and I ended up going back

once overnight and once for 30 days. That's not bad. After the 30-day thing in Seattle, I fucking never went back. I never got... And that's 1996, you know, and that was misdemeanor shit. But you think about it, that's 25, 27 fucking years, 26 years without police contact.

But before then, you know, don't worry about the police contact. 91, I got into comedy, all that shit. But prison just let me know. Prison let me know what I did and didn't want to do. And I knew I didn't want to be a fucking criminal. I knew that I would have to do a couple criminal things when I got out just to get, you know, balanced out, get out my feet. And you pray to God that you don't get caught

and you don't get in fucking trouble. I had my fucking fears. You know, I knew that I couldn't stop snoring coke. You know, let's be honest with each other. I just fucking knew at that. When I got into comedy, I had to make a deal with myself. Either I'm going to quit Coke. I'm going to quit this struggle.

Now, for anybody who understands the struggle of quitting anything, whether it's heroin, reefer, alcohol, it's a fucking struggle. If you tell somebody like, I'm going to quit cocaine and really quit. At that time, I couldn't quit fucking doing anything. I couldn't quit bite my fucking nails. I was going to quit fucking doing it. I couldn't quit anything. I had no fucking self-control.

So, you know, I would go clean for four days, clean for five days, and then fuck up. Then I would go clean for four days, fuck up. This went on. Anybody who's been in that fucking vicious cycle knows that when you're really trying, and when you're trying to get clean, like when you tell somebody, now you got pressure on you. So now you got some fucking idiot calling you up every two days How's it going? And you're like, great.

Have you been getting high lately? No, never. That sucks when you got a lie to those people. They're not really sponsors. They're just maybe like a cousin or a fucking A friend of a friend that, you know, he got sober And now he wants to help you. Those poor bastards,

I must have gone through 10 of those motherfuckers when they call you up. Hi, I'm friends with Michael Klein And I've been clean for 14 months. I want to help you. talked to them. I tell you, really tried to help me get off Coke. And I forget what his name is now. Mikey DeStefano.

You ever hear of Mikey DeStefano? Comedian? Mm-hmm. He passed away? God rest is so. He passed away. He's friends with somebody. Jerry Rocha.

Jerry Roach and him were great friends. You know, there were so many people who tried to fucking pull me aside. There was one dude Claude Shire's fucking dynamite. He was friends with Kelly Kirsten and Jimmy Schubert. When I got to California in 98, 99, 2000, 2002,

I remember he would talk to me, and then one day he just went full command on. He's like, this was going on. I'm going to pick you up. I'm going to drop you off at Betty Ford Clinic. I'm going to pay for it when you get out and get a job and get famous. He would always say that to him. When you get famous, you can pay me back.

And I'm like, listen, I don't know. going to fucking Betty Ford. But if you lend me a hundred bucks, I could fucking go. I went through all those guys. And I pray for them now and I feel bad. And I'm happy that they did what they did. I just wasn't ready yet.

Chris DeStefano is probably the last guy. That him and I were having man-to-man conversations on the phone. Mike DeStefano. Mikey. Mikey de Stefano. His brothers live in North Bergen, I think, still good family, good fucking.

dude funny motherfucker god rest of soul you know he got locked up like me him and i had a lot of similar stories and i think jerry hooked this up and i still remember he was the closest guy that got me his i i say a prayer for him once a week on mondays mike i think about him a lot because mike he talked me into like the hollywood free rehab like hollywood has a free rehab and i went to it a couple times. Like I joined up. I had to give him my license. His name is Jose Diaz, whatever.

And then I would go for a week and then, and this is 2000 guys, 2001, 2002. I'll never forget going in there and having a great time and talking. I was going to the groups. They would piss you once a week. So I was still at the level where I was going backwards. Like they pissed you the first time.

And now all your pisses have to come under that level. but I just was like, okay, and I, I think I stayed sober for like a week or two. And then I went to, because you have to go to meetings three times a week. It was like five AA meetings and three group meetings in Hollywood. Right there. It was right there by a smoothie place I used to go to. And then one day some guy goes, hey, man, I went to the comedy store and saw you the other night. Weren't you there late night?

And I'm like, no. That wasn't me. I'm like, a dog I fucking got out of there and I was embarrassed because I didn't want nobody knowing. Listen, everybody knew I had a drug problem, but I didn't know nobody, I didn't want anybody coming up to me and trying to be fucking, you know,

Johnny A, yeah, yeah, at the comedy store. So when I went to get help, I didn't want nobody to find out I was trying to get help. That's the last thing I wanted, it's fucking help. Last thing I wanted was to get, the other day, somebody came, a friend of mine came over here. He's in, he's in the program and he was

we were good guy cop good fucking dude he's a drinker and we were talking about this comedian that he goes I saw this comedian that's drug free and he did a show good guy I forget what his name is now I knew him when he was kind I go that dude's a good dude and he has great material about AAs and shit but I remember I had to follow him

in a couple clubs like he would come in and I'd come in the week after him and the club would go thank God you were here last this week we had a week of fucking AA people and this motherfucker drinking coffee all we sold was coffee and fucking you know

couple orders of wings because AA people used to go into the meetings so when they would do a show the clubs would do a show with this guy they knew they weren't going to get it too high at a minimum so they just raised the prices up 10 bucks and they were like you know they're happy to be out the guy

does an hour on fucking but that I still remember I bring him up because I I remember thinking, if I stopped doing fucking Coke, that's going to take the crazy away from me, and I'm not going to be funny anymore. And that was the reason why I never quit Coke all those fucking years.

I was petrified that my edge was going to disappear, that I wouldn't be crazy anymore. I was fucking wrong, you know. We're always wrong. You're still going to keep what you're fucking have. But anyway, back to Toray fucking power. How do we get on going to fucking rehab in Hollywood? I love all this shit, though,

when a podcast goes awry, you know what I'm saying? And you're just talking from the fucking heart on a beautiful Monday morning and fucking New Jersey, Jack. It's, uh, yeah, the prison changed my fucking life, man. And it should, but I tell you, it doesn't work for a lot of people.

And when you look at the recidivism rate of, you know, doing another crime, it's horrible. Like, people have gone, prison they have percentages that'll make your fucking headspin like you won't fucking believe in that's why i worked so hard because i didn't want to fall into that pattern of being in and out of prison every three four five fucking years and then ending up there for the rest of your goddamn life that wasn't going to be me but by watching oz these last two or three fucking weeks i got to be

honestly you i'm i'm happy that i got locked up and as bad as that sound as retarded as that sound dog it was my and all this conversation started last week with me because of vella i haven't been able to get a hold of the guy kidnapped and it's getting under my skin a little bit i know he takes care of his mom and you know he lost his job and shit and it's so weird when i take after i got in trouble for the kidnapping before I got sentenced, I think about how I felt about Vela then. I wanted to fucking kill him. I wanted to kill him.

I wanted somebody to kill him. I kept saying the victim's going to disappear, let's not go back. I was mad at Vela for something I had done. That's the dumbest fucking thing in the world. And that's the biggest sign of fucking immaturity. After I got locked up, I saw Vela in a different fucking line.

You know, at first I was mad at Vela. I went through a rainbow fucking emotions for Kent Vela, but the bottom line was that after I did that, and I'll never forget when I got out of prison right before me and my ex-wife broke up, we had an argument about something, and she said to me, she looked at me in a way that she had never looked at me before,

and she said, listen. You know, like when you're arguing with somebody and something just comes out and it slips. She goes, you know, I can't still believe that you had tied up that boy. You tied up that man and had him in the corner of a room. And she caught herself. And she's like, I'm sorry.

I never really meant to say it that way. And I go, no, it's okay. It's the truth. You're not speaking out of lying here. You're not fucking lying. You're speaking from the heart. You're speaking the truth. I can't believe that I tied up a fucking man.

and put them in a corner and put a pit bull on them or whatever the fuck tidwell did i was part of it that's that's whether i did it or not that's the sad truth that i'm a fucking part of that so when my ex-wife said that to me and we broke up after that i started looking i started thinking about it from tidwell's perspective how would you feel joey if you were on a fucking floor with a bandana around your eyes and handcuffed you know how to fuck would you feel you know i wouldn't feel any fucking good. Like that would stick with me forever. You know, and I don't know if I'm going to die.

When he was in that fucking floor, that kid didn't know if he was going to die, if he was going to snort coke again. And knowing him, all he cared about was doing one more fucking line. Like, I know Kent. And if I were to put a gun to Kent's head, he goes, I don't care if you kill me. Just give me one more fucking line. That's the way Kent was, you know. But over the years, I just, I built this love for him.

for Kent. It went from, I can't say hating Kent. It went like just from this dumb feeling of getting arrested with somebody to, because of Kent, I was able to grow. Because of what I did to Kent, I was able to find what I loved. Because of what I did to Kent, you know, all these things came out. You know, it's like Kent, it's like Kent was like my Jesus. You know what I'm saying. How to fucking get tortured and shit for me to have a fucking life. So I've always felt really bad for Kent. Anytime I could help Kent, I do. If he needs help with his mom, if he needs help with rent.

Anything I could do for Kent, I do because he opened this up for me. I don't look at him as a guy kidnapped anymore. I look at him as a guy that helped me change my fucking life. You know, I mean, I haven't spoken to Ken in a month or so. and you guys see how I am about him. Like, I really care about this guy that 30 years ago just happened to be on the wrong side of the fucking street

and that's what ended up happening to him. I think about Kent a lot. So, today I'm thankful for fucking Kent. I wish I could do more for Kent. You know, I live in New Jersey. He lives in fucking Arizona. You know, we're fucking time zones away. I wish I could do more for Kent.

I wish Kent lived around the corner so I could see him more and take him lunch because the end of the day, Kent wasn't a fucking bad guy. It was, he had a kilo of Coke, and I wanted it. That's how it turned out to be. How sad is that fucking story, you know? And it took me 20 years to get through them. I think that once he realized that I was growing as a comedian and as a human being, he gave me a second chance.

And I fucking loved it. I loved it. I loved it. I got the chance to apologize to him. on the church. I'm happy that we got to get a bite together. I'm happy all these things evolved from that because I turned a shitty day on November fucking 17th

into the best day of my fucking life. Best day of my life was when I walked into that fuck. And I still remember when I fucking got sentenced to how I fell asleep in the cell after I did a fucking close to a gram of blow. Who falls asleep after doing a gram a blow in a cell? I still remember having to bend over by the sink and put the dollar in the vandal and make believe like a... And then dropping the bindle in the fucking toilet and flushing the toilet and being high for like 10 minutes.

But it didn't matter. You know, me finding out my fate that day just overtook everything. It overtook the cocaine. It's like, fuck it, you got to go to sleep. You got to process what the fuck just happened. So it was really interesting. So I talk about this on a Monday morning because sometimes you look at your life and you go, fuck, if it wasn't for that, I would have had this. No, you're looking at it wrong.

You're looking at it wrong. Look at it from the perspective that even this fucking pandemic, as much as we fucking hate it and the mask and everything, we all got something out of this pandemic. Think about it. You got something to learn about yourself in this pandemic. Well, better yet, you learn something about yourself because of this pandemic. You learn what you could do, what you want to do, what you don't want to do no more. For me, it was I didn't want to travel anymore. I didn't want to fucking really do stand up anymore.

I didn't like what I'd become. I didn't like a lot of fucking things. I didn't like that. You know, Lee was there with me, gaining weight. I don't like a lot of things. and look, it all busted out, and it all worked itself out. You know, so what? I'm not doing stand-up.

I'm healthy. I'm happy. My wife is happy. My family's happy. My friends are happy, you know. And so be it. In the future, listen, I've been cracking little stupid jokes to myself lately. I don't know.

I still got it, but let's just see what the future brings. I'm not putting a date on anything. I'm just living my life, having a good time, trying to analyze and see What the fuck happened the last 40 years? That's all I've been doing the last year and a half. I got back here. We started writing a book. You know, the first couple chapters was about growing up in Jersey

and how I was a criminal and all this shit. Next thing you know, I'm back in New Jersey. I'm back to where all this shit went down. I'm back to where all the pain got fucking caused in my life. And I'm adjusting perfectly. And all this shit is coming full fucking circle for me. when I come out of here on a Monday morning I talk to you about my fucking prison life

it's to let you know that maybe you're sitting there right now going fuck I'm stuck no you're not you're not looking at from the right fucking perspective you know sometimes when I go to go to fucking needle right like I have to go to get a needle on a Monday I always schedule for Mondays because I'm one of those fucking type of people but I'll start thinking about that needle a week out and I've learned over the years

that if by two When I start thinking about the needle, if I flip my thought, if I flip it, like, that needle's not going to hurt. I go to acupuncture once a week. I'm going to be fucking fine. I change my attitude before I walk in that thing. I'm a different fucking person. Like, I look at it from a different perspective. You know, when I was going to Jiu-Jitsu, I'm a fucking old man.

I know I'm going to get beat up. I know somebody's going to tap me 18 times. I already know this going in. and I would get this little anxiety as I was driving to jih Tjitsu. I had to flip it around. I'm going to, even if I get beat up, I'm going to be fucking better about it. Even if, no matter what I'm going to do, I'm going to fucking learn something. One thing, one thing, maybe something to do with breathing, maybe something to do with my stepping.

And that's how I look at things now. And it's so weird between the ages of 20, 35, I didn't look at things like this at all. I didn't look at the things for the good that they had to offer us, but for the bad, like what I thought was the bad stuff. It was the good stuff, you know, when you're doing hip escapes. Yeah, you're going to get fucking tired. You're going to get out of breath. You're going to get fucking anxiety.

But in the long run, your legs are going to be fucking strong. You know, you're going to, it's just you have to look at things for the fucking beauty in it sometimes. And trust me, for years, I was capped in fucking darkness. I looked at things. I'm like, I'm not doing that. I'm not done. Now I got to switch them up. Over the years, I had to switch them up and look at it from a different perspective.

But this happens with age, guys. And I'm fucking, I'm sailing the, I'm sailing the 60-year-old metaverse right now. You guys aren't even close to me in age. I can be your dad's or I think I could be your dad if you're up to 40. Like if you're up to 40, I could be your dad. I'm 59. I got to fuck somebody when I was 18 and you could have been around. So a lot of you guys look at you.

your lives and go, fuck, I'm never going to get through this. This isn't going to work. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. Just put your head down. But most importantly, look at it from a different perspective. Look at it from a different fucking view, from a different angle. Everything has 12 fucking views to it, right?

There's 12 fucking numbers around the clock. When I worked with the guy from stripes and shit, and I did analyze that, and I did that scene when I had to feel impaglia, that's the first time I had worked with somebody that used the 12 o'clock method, the 2 and 10 o'clock method, the 3 and 6 o'clock method, and the 4 and 8 o'clock method to shoot. Okay, so two cameras.

First shot we're going to do is 12. Then he would put two cameras at 2 and 10 o'clock, so 10 and 2. Then he would put them at 9 and 3 and 4 and 8. As the scene progressed. As the scene progressed. No, no, no. scene got shot.

Like that. Like that. If it was a small scene, just, but for you to shoot that, you got to have a big budget. You know what I'm saying? Like, you just can't, yeah, you'll be there all fucking day.

You got to have a big budget. He had a big budget. It's a Warner Brothers movie. They didn't give a fuck. For that scene, dog, that scene started at 9 the morning and I went to like fucking 7 o'clock at night.

And it was nothing. It was a nothing. a scene. It was me and Anthony Apagli, him sitting at a bar with me, us talking, and all of a sudden we turn, look at each other and he hits my face, and he walks away because the guy comes in with a gun.

We could have done that scene. Look at here. One camera here. One big camera for the whole scene. One on my face, one on his face. And shot it all at once. No. Harold Ramis said, fuck it. I'm going to shoot. Two to ten. And I

never forget, like when we were at four to eight, We were taking like a half-hour break and I remember I asked him. I said, why do you, I'm not here to question you whatsoever. I'm just learning. I love all this shit. Why are you shooting from three to nine?

And he goes, I won't know. He goes, I'll be honest with you. I'll probably throw away all those fucking things from two to whatever. But if I don't see the perspective from every angle, I won't fucking know that. And he goes, yeah, I could look at it. and here and just make like a 50% judgment,

but he goes, I got to see it on film to really see what you're missing. And he goes, and that's the thing that we don't do in life. We don't look at it. And trust me, I didn't, when I was fucking 28, if you think I was looking at things from different perspective, you're out of your fucking mind. That's a practice.

That's a practice. And today's podcast is about that practice. That before you attack something, look at it from all the fucking perspectives on it. I swear to God I started doing this when I was about 38 and it helped me fucking immensely

it slowed me down in my life it made me think about things and this was thanks to my wife because I had to use this perspective with everything Mike this perspective had to be used especially for comedy

you know I still remember I did this show in Bakersfield for these fucking dudes and they charged, you know, they paid me dollars. They paid me nothing. And they had me do a lot. And while I was doing it, I was having a good time, so I didn't mind it. I think it was good karma.

You know, like he built it as Joey Diaz to me. But when I got there, it was the longest yard thing. And all these people were there with footballs or whatever. It doesn't matter. But I'll never forget that. I made a mental note and something I would never do. Like this. thing that I did, I probably did this in 2009.

And guess when my career started? In 2010, I started doing comedy in 1991. Yeah, but when did my career start? In 2009 or 10, right after I had that conversation with him, the kid's name was Will. I'll never think, I just thought about all this. And he called me up on it and he goes, hey, I want to do that thing over again. And all I said to him was in a polite way, I go, I'm in.

But I go, I can't do it for $200. Not for what you paid me. That was charity before. I just spoke up for myself. For years, I never said none to those bookers. This time I had to say something to him. And I said it to him regardless of whatever was going to go down. I go, here's the deal, cocksucker.

I didn't call him a cocksucker because I wanted them to give me the money. I go, listen, here's the deal. let's do a fucking door deal let me promote at that time I knew nothing about promotions I was just sick and tired of getting fucking raped every other week for comedy and I go let me get

a percentage deal and he thought about it goes nah you're not worth it I'll never forget that and I took it like a man I didn't call him anything I just said okay I'm not worth it but guess what now because you said that

I'm going to be come worth it because I understand what I need to do now to attack it from this perspective. When I got that perspective, was when I started making a little money and doing comedy. And I'll never forget that three months later, a dear friend of mine called me

and he goes, hey man, I got to talk to you about something. That dude called me and said that you're getting a little bit too big for your britches. And I was like, no, I'm not. I'm just asking for my fucking worth. And right after that, my career fucking kicking.

in the fucking and right about what's that it's a confidence in yourself and you got to draw the line and say when this life changes when you decided to change it's not just going to fucking change you know so many things get initiated by you they're not going to change just because you know so keep that in mind them a beautiful fucking monday morning because that's it February is gone cocksucker. Tomorrow is March 1st and guess what? The rent is due, motherfuckers. It's that cock sucking easy.

I love you, motherfuckers. Thank you for watching today. Thank you for giving me the love always and having my back. We'll have a guest for you on fucking Wednesday. We're going back to Zoom guests whether you liked or not. You guys had me giving you ear beatings like eight in a row.

I can't keep doing this shit. I got to switch it around, have some people come through here. So I love you, cock suckers with all my heart. It's going to be a great fucking week. I'll be back Wednesday, March 2nd. I got a birthday on the 5th, not my birthday, a dear friend of mine's birthday on the 5th. When is your birthday? On the 5th?

Yeah, see, we got two fucking friends on the 5th. So it's going to be a great week this week. The fucking cold weather is going away. That's it. That's it, bitches. I mean, it's a cold motherfucking day-to-day here in New Jersey. Jersey, the sad thing about this, I wanted to mention this. I had to go to a wake on Sunday for the owner of El Nito.

Joe died. It's fucking devastating. I mean, even Rogan saw it on Instagram and fucking called me up. And he goes, that's horrible. Horrible. He passed. Like I said, 78 years old. He called COVID.

God knows what's going on today. I met the guy. I don't know, three, four, five months ago. And he made a big impression in my life. This guy bought a fucking mall when he was 76 years old. He bought that restaurant when he was 75 years old. Who buys a fucking restaurant when you're 75 years old? He's a fucking pipe fitter for Christ's sakes.

You know, he has a pipe fitting company. But it was a restaurant. It was his passion, what he really wanted. And he made it the best he can. How the fuck does a pipe fit up? Get a restaurant and make it the top five restaurants in the state. You know, I spoke to my friend Officer Kelly yesterday, Marlborough. He goes, the food in there was off the fucking charge.

He couldn't believe it. That's what this guy did with his vision. You know, and he had a vision for that mall where it's at to put a bunch of stuff in there. And I got to tell you, man, in the short time I knew him, he made an impression on me. So my heart goes out to him and his family. And if you're by El Nito, go in there, say hello and say a prayer because it's one of the best restaurants I've ever eaten at in my life. So I love you guys. Thank you for the support.

Don't forget UFC this weekend. It's going to be off the fucking hook. And that's it and that's dead. Don't forget we're releasing another strand this week. I think it's tremendous or moochy-moochie. I'll keep you good. Five under one. So it's going to be Coco.

So it's Cogos, sashimi Tremendous White Truffle And rainbow runch Which is 37 fucking percent If that don't get either Cubans will

I love you motherfuckers at all my heart Have a great fucking Monday Stay black And I'll see you cock suckers Wednesday tip Top Magoo Kick this fucking meal Brother

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