The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #143 | JESSIMAE PELUSO | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: March 2, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT..... It's Wednesday, March 2nd.... Today we caught up with the Great, JESSIMAE PELUSO! https://linktr.ee/Jessimae This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by FreezePipe, Manscaped & DraftKings….. Go to https://www.TheFreezePipe.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY For 10% OFF your 1st Order! Go to https://www.Manscaped.com/DIAZ - PROMO CODE: DIAZ 20% Off & FREE SHIPPING! Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use promo code JOEY to get $100 in free bets when you bet just $1 on UFC 272! If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/MI/NJ/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP(AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org/chat  (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 1-877-770-STOP (7867) (LA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), call/text TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA). 21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA/MI/NH/NJ/NY/OR/ PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. Min. $5 deposit required. Eligibility restrictions apply. See http://draftkings.com/sportsbook for details. Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #JessimaePeluso The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

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and get $100,000 free bets. no matter the outcome. That's Code Joey. This Saturday, March the motherfucking fifth at Draft King's Sportsbook, the official sports betting partner, the UFC. 21 over restrictions apply. All right, without further ado, let's get this fucking party started, Jack. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? Welcome to the fucking joint. It's Wednesday, March the motherfucking second. A beautiful fucking day to be alive. I'm feeling good. Nothing's. going on. We did a fucking Zoom today. Listen, you know me, guys. I don't fucking like Zoom's too much. That's why I come on here and bore you the death for fucking every week.

But this week we had to go for a Zoom. Next week, I'm getting a couple of Zoom because, listen, I can't do all the fucking talking. You know what I'm saying? I need somebody to fucking break me down and make me laugh and entertain me also. So we had a good fucking Zoom today. So without further ado, I'm just going to bring it up because, listen, I've been over here talking to you motherfuckers breaking your fucking ears. Somebody sent me a picture of the ear bleeding and shit like that. You know, I've been giving tremendous ear beatings. I don't want to get a fucking ear beating, all right?

You don't have to tell me, Joey, give it a fucking breather. So, without further ado, I'm going to give you Jessamay Paluso. We've been talking throughout the whole pandemic. I kept in touch with her because she was one of my dear friends in L.A. And, you know, she lost her mom during the pandemic. So I kept in touch with her pretty much, and she was ready to come on the joint. So I told her, come on whenever you want her. She said, let's do a Zoom next week.

So here we fucking are. So without further ado, a little Jessumet Paluso. Hi, cutie. What's up, beautiful? Oh, you look so cute. Look at your, look at your fucking beautiful. What's happened? What's going on, beautiful?

Long time. Long fucking time. I like that wanted Richard Pryor up behind you. Yep, I got that. Beautiful. Got a little Johnny Cash up here. A little Johnny Cash. Your girl's smoking a joint.

I see you. What's been going on, beautiful? Got a xenophobe right there. What the fuck is that? A xenophobe. It's from the movie Alien. It's the baby alien that goes on your face and then it puts its semen and down your throat. And then it makes another alien in your belly.

Tremendous. Fucking tremendous. You look beautiful, Jess. A may. Thank you. You know, I was working out before. And this is my sports bra. And I was like, you know, this is kind of cute.

And for your male viewers, they can see a little quarantine boobies. A little cleavage. Yeah, a little quarantine cleavage. Actually, we're out of quarantine now, I guess, right? We're out of everything. It's over. We're at war. We're out of quarantine.

Fuck the war. That's it. It's over. That's it. I knew it. I fucking knew it. Really? You know?

Yeah, that how long can they milk it for? People weren't fucking dancing to their tune no more. We weren't dancing to their tune, you know, so. COVID was either they were going to fucking tighten shit and then a riot was going to ensue eventually. Look what happened in Canada with the fucking truckers. I know. I thank them because I think that they're the ones that really woke up the fucking world

because they were going to do it in L.A. for the Super Bowl with the trucks fucking block and everything. You motherfuckers want to impose shit on us. We'll impose shit on you. It was brave of them to do that in Canada. They were, you know. But look at what's going on. All of a sudden.

all the mask just disappeared. I know that's it. Saturday I got invited to a light mask and fucking party. Like where you light them on fire and shit. But my mask, I can't even let them. I put a mask on. I could smell weed and fucking T.A. juice in my mask.

The fucking breathing is yellow. I'm not lighting those on fire. I'm saving those. And if I ever run out of weed, I just cut them up and smoke those fucking masks. It is. I was at a spa. I was in Palm Springs doing some shrooms

over the weekend and on the tail end of my high trip, I saw ice cream spot. So I went to go get some ice cream. And this is Sunday. It's the day before the masks are going to be lifted. The mandate's going to be lifted. And I go inside, just mask free. I'm like, oh, it's Sunday. It's an ice cream shop. They'll be cool. They're not going to fucking worry about it. And it's these two young kids behind the counter. And I was like, I'll have, you know, this little ice cream, you know, giving me that chocolate joint on a cone. He's like, I can't serve you without a mask. And I said, really? He's like, yeah, and you have to buy one. I was like, fuck. And if I wasn't stoned,

I wouldn't have cared because I really wanted that fucking ice cream. So I had to buy a mask. And then he hands me the ice cream cone. And I just assume I take the mask off and I assume I can eat it because it's a fucking ice cream shop. He said, you have to put your mask back on. I was like, oh, we got to stop this shit. I'm so glad it's over. It's fucking over. Once I got it in my mind, it was over.

Like, I'm like, the fear has been lifted. We survived. I had 20 fucking friends that had it. I got a friend up in North Bergen and had it three fucking times. Damn. Three times. And he said that was just food.

That person needs to eat an apple. They need to get a fucking immune system because, you know, to get it three fucking tired. Oh, he's hanging out the wrong goddamn places. Yeah, where's he going? Who's he licking? He sounds vulnerable.

But at the same time, you know, I don't know what was going on. I'm not going to even get into it. It's just, I'm just happy to see you. But it's fucking a woman. fantastic. You really do. I'm trying to look fantastic. I love the silver. You're a silver fox. Oh yeah. It got silvery. You look rich as fuck. Yeah, rich. Yeah, good. Rich. Rich and what? Fucking fat cells. The fuck of my rich. No, you look so good. You really do. You look like you own a yacht. That's the kind of face you got right now.

I'm fucking sleeping. I'm drinking a lot of water. I'm not talking to agents. That keeps you young. when you don't have to listen to that bullshit. I'm just enjoying time with my fucking daughter. You know, for a year, it took me a year to acclimate to this type of life. And then I realized I haven't had this life since I was 16. You know? Yeah, I'm Joey. I'm running and gunning every day.

You know, we're running. So my mother died. I didn't have a day apiece. I was out at night. So this is the first time I've had peace in fucking 40 years. So I just want to sit and enjoy. What's it feel like to me? Yeah, what's peace feel like if you could describe it to someone who's never had it?

You know what peace is to me that isn't much to people? My daughter comes down at night at like 10.30. She waits for my wife to go upstairs and falls asleep. Then she sneaks downstairs and we watch a cooking show and then we'll watch something else for a half hour and I'll send her up at 11.30. but while we're sitting in that while I'm sitting in my old man chair and she's laying on the couch

I'm watching a cartoon or whatever the fuck the cooking challenge but I'm really not watching it I'm just basking in the joy of watching TV with my daughter at 10.30 at night talking about it were you going to go upstairs and get a snack we got any Girl Scout cookies left yeah I'll go get one you know she went up and got a s'm smores from me and her

that to me is something I always wanted to do you know what I'm saying? Beautiful. Yeah. So I'm doing it. And that's the equivalent of beauty to me. That's me going to a softball games, me driving out of kickboxing. Are people drive now, because you're in Jersey now, are people like the locals coming up to you or are people giving you space?

Like how are you finding that with, you know, being the celebrity in town? No, it's 50-50. I've been here for a long time now. So I went, you know, I got out of the car and went right to the fucking field and saw people and got the initial reactions from them. Now they just wave at me and say hello. I'm part of a community now. That's nice. So they don't look at me as a dirty comic or anything, you know.

They just think I'm retired or I quit. I'm not doing it for right now. I don't know what they think. But it's a nice place. I got Jimmy Florentine around the corner. Yeah, I know Jimmy. And I thank them. I said, thank you.

The other day, just Saturday, we were talking. He was in Florida. And I go, Jimmy, I want to thank you for fucking turning me on to this fucking community. And he took me to all his places. So he opened up the door for me at the vitamin store, at the gym, you know. You got the hookup on glucosamine? Oh, yeah. That's funny.

You say glucosamine. Yeah, yeah. That shit's vital. The health food store I go to the guy I can't even describe him to. He's a friend of Jimmy's. He's this guy that he's done everything in that health food. store. Do you understand? He's eating every pill, every craton, every fucking quick trip, CBD.

Every time I go in there, this guy's got a fucking new idea, but he's solid. He hooked me up with the acupuncturist. I mean, the guy's been there for close to 50 years. His mother owned that health food store before. So all you got to do is go in there. He hooks me up with a vitamin, my COVID package, the fucking CBD, Delta 8s, and Delta Nines. Yeah, you got to get those Delta 8s and Delta Nines. That's the only way to fly these days, baby.

He's got everything in there. And I just go to him and say, I need a vitamin for an over 50-year-old man. He's like, if you're 55, I give you this. But since you're 59, I'm going to give you that. He knows his shit. That's awesome. So I take a nutrient every day, like vitamins. And when I swallow them, it's like swallowing 22 black dicks, a dead one and a Ukrainian one.

It tastes so bad that ultivitamin. And when I do the first burp, I almost pass out from the taste that I fucking multivitamin. But you know what? I handle it. And then you piss yellow all day. I piss it. And I, it glows in the fucking dark. My wife saw it the other night.

She's like, you got to go to the hospital. I go, no, no, no, no. I take this fucking multivitamins. So she read it. She goes, Jesus Christ, no wonder you're pissing that color. This has everything in there plus like 100%. Yeah. So whatever your body doesn't utilize.

Yeah. You just fucking. pee the fuck out. What am I going to do? I got fucking problems. You know what I'm saying? I'm just trying to keep it together. I'm smoking good dope.

Yeah? Now, you and I spoke and you were saying how you sort of evolved your smoking habits a little bit. Yeah, I had to, when I got here because of anxiety and other things, so I switched it around. How did you switch it to?

I didn't smoke in the time. I think I gave it up for about eight months. I really went under my threshold. No edibles, no nothing. And then I started a huge tolerance break. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. And it was fucking much needed. And it was very good. And I'll tell you what, I think I'm going to do another tolerance break here for about 90 days. No, maybe 90 days is all you need. I don't think I could do fucking eight months again. That was a lucky thing. I was withdrawing. I had the pain pills, my knee surgery. So it was kind of easy. To do it, you know, I don't think I could do.

But three months feels good. I don't, listen, right now, Jess and Mae, if I smoke, eight bonn hits a day, that's too much. Yeah. I haven't rolled a joint in months. It's just not worth it. The weed we get, you don't need to roll joints. You just throwing fucking weed away. So.

Yeah. You look so beautiful. You look like you matured. What's been going on in your life? Talk to me. I rested. I've been sleeping more, for one. I mean, you were talking about sleep.

Like, I don't. know if it's like an age thing, but damn, if I don't get a certain number of hours of sleep, I can't function in society. I can't function mentally. I've been sleeping more. I've been getting, I got a little action past couple weeks. And I just kind of feel like, you know, we were sort of talking about relationships and stuff in L.A. and how difficult it is to date in this town. I had this conversation with my sister. I kind of feel like I don't really, you know, I'm almost 40, I'm 39. And I don't have that drive to be in a white dress.

I don't have that drive or desire to have a child right now. And I know people are probably like, oh, you better fucking hurry up. Look, that mentality worked for back in the day. Now people are healthier. We're living longer. So the idea of a woman having a child at 40, early 40s, it seems maybe taboo to some people. Well, because of how we're living now, It's more possible and probable.

My wife had hers at 44. See? Scary. Scary for sure. It's scary. You really, you know, the time over 40, the more years over, like Janet Jackson had a kid of 50. Do you think you could have that kid? No.

Because you don't have $2 million fucking dollars to pay for a fucking Vansoon and a nurse and a witch doctor. You know, you got to have 30 fucking people to have a kid when you're fucking 50 gyms. And a doctor has to come over every day. and check your asshole scent and your oxygen. So she had the kid, but it cost her a lot of fucking money. Yeah, I mean, the older you get, the more expensive it definitely gets. That's a really good point. I don't have the drive for any of it.

I don't know if quarantine changed it for me or losing my mom changed it for me, but I feel like I don't want to settle for anything. So I just sort of feel like singlehood is where I'm at right now in life. And I'm feeling comfortable with that. And that's okay for now. See, society puts all this pressure on women to be fucking married. And then women take that pressure. They fucking don't know what to do.

Their friends are getting married. Your sister got married. This jerk off got married to the richest guy in the world. He's having a wedding on a boat. And here you are in Albany doing jokes for a bunch of fucking, you know, go-goots is there. So it fucking weighs on you. When you look around and see what's going on to the people's life,

but I got to tell you what you're doing that other people aren't doing. You're living in your life. Yeah, that's true. I'm exploring and traveling and creating things. You know, those things become your family. Those things become your children. Those things sort of take up residence in a different way in your life. And, you know, I think, like, also going through, like, you know,

you've experienced so much in your life, so I know you can relate to all different types of losses and trauma and stuff like that, it really has made me realize that it's okay to say no to shit. It's okay to not want to put up with bare minimum bullshit. And I think until I lost my mom, I didn't realize how much shit I was putting up with. It was like I was blind to it.

And now I look back and like, why was I even giving any sort of attention to those toxic things in people. So it feels good in that sense to be free of feeling like I need to accommodate every single person in this world that previously I would have given entertainment to. Now I don't. How long has your mom been passed away for it now? It was a year in November. Yes, a year in November. Yeah. 17 months right now. How are you feeling? I feel lighter for the first time in a long time. I feel more present and I didn't even realize it. And I didn't even realize it. And I I wonder if you've gone through these experiences or times in your life where you don't even know you're depressed.

You have no idea. You're just like going through the motions and just surviving. And then until you get out of that, you go, oh, shit, that was depression. That functioning from a point of survival and, you know, not being fully present and just sort of grasping at everything is what I was doing. And I didn't, until last November, the year anniversary of my mom, until then did I realize I was depressed for like a full. I don't know. I think on and off for years. My dad died in 2018.

And I feel like I've just been sort of surviving and coming up for air since 2017 when he was sick because he was sick. And then he died. And you know, dealing with the death and loss, it's so heavy. And it's such a revolving, evolving process. then quarantine hit and then my mom died so i feel like i've just been in this like fucking wash cycle this emotional wash cycle where anytime i've come up for air i'm put back down and now i feel like i am breathing i'm out of the the the the the tumultuous part of it all so i feel like more present and just i feel like it's the first time where i know who i am

that's what it feels like to me. I feel really calm, really present. And because of that, similarly to you, I'm smoking less. I do love weed, but I'm smoking less. But I also do edibles. I microdose on psilocybin. And I've done that through the entirety of, you know, the past four years. So I do have ways of using things and medicines that make me, that help me feel balanced, but I'm using a lot less of those things. And I think that is definitely indicative of me feeling a little bit more grounded. Like my feet are planted and not like I'm kicking in water anymore. So you're grieving both your mom and your dad. And you know that this takes a long time. Maybe that's why you're not in a rush to look for a fucking man or have a child because you have no, she's got no

grandmother. The kid's not going to have a grandmother on this side. You know what I'm saying? So, I think about that a lot. Yeah, right now, you know, you just had two serious deaths, and it's weird. You didn't get a chance to grieve one, and then the other one died. Because grieving doesn't take two fucking weeks. People have no idea that grieving doesn't take two weeks.

Grieving hides at that funeral. He hides when the casket goes in the grave, and it makes you think you're okay. It makes you think you're okay. Like you even start going, what the fuck? My mother could have died. twice. I don't even miss it. It's fucking weird. Like for me, I gotta tell you, this is the most disturbing story of my life.

Fuck the kidnapping. Fuck bottles of people pussy. Fuck kidnapped Robin Hookers. I think the most disturbing thing I ever ever fucking went through was my mom died November 8th, right? So I was cool all of November. I was like, damn, I don't even miss this bitch. I mean, I miss a fucking cooking, but I really don't miss it. Then I went to see Judas Priest November 29th, and the wall came out that weekend.

So the wall kind of took my mind away. Like it picked up where I should have started missing her after two weeks, but the wall took me through the whole month of December. And I remember that I was fucking hating Christmas. I didn't even want to... think of what Christmas felt like, right? Yes. Christmas Eve came?

Nothing. Christmas day came? Nothing. I was like, fuck. I'm going to go talk to a priest because I don't even think I loved my mother. I mean, it was horrible what I felt. It was like just another day, Christmas, I thought I was going to break down. No, you don't want it hit me?

Like a night before New Year's, I was at my friend's house. We were having a party, getting warmed up for New Year. years the night before new year's just a little warm up and that song came on mother by pink floyd on side one oh yeah and i had to listen to it you know my mother dying i had put it on put it on put it on but for some reason this night i couldn't breathe i went outside dog and i just started pukin and crying and the pukin carried me all the way home i was like on 70th street i had to walk the 39th street it's fucking 10 degrees is 11 you know and i'm walking pukeen and i'm walking puke and and and crying, and the tears would freeze on my face.

And I walked, she was on a hill, a cemetery on a hill, and I remember that I jumped the fence because I didn't believe she was dead. I was like, she ain't dead. They're playing a trick on me. Even though you saw her at the wake for four fucking days, even though you saw them close the lid, even though you saw them fucking put her in the hole,

I ran to the cemetery, I tried to dig her out with my hands, the fucking concrete was frozen, and I remember I caught myself and I was just babbling, crying like the tears, saliva, boogies coming out of my nose. I jumped the fence and I ran to my house

because I used to fucking always go. Maybe she came home. Maybe, I don't know, maybe she got lost on the bus. I don't fucking know. And I would sit there and wait for her at night on the stairs. And I actually,

when not I even knocked on the door. I believe it. And I was like, all right, I'm going fucking crazy. I can't do this. anymore. And that, I've always remembered that night. Like, it's fucking tattooed in my fucking soul how much pain I was in. And after that, it just ran, the pain just didn't go away for years. Yeah. And it escalated. Oh, my God. It was horrible. And it would go away and then at night,

it would come back. Because you were busy. The night. You're busy all day. You're like, I got over her death. And all of a sudden, you walk in your house, you take a shower, you're alone. You're a and it fucking lands on you like a fucking hammer. Sure does. The night time's the worst time. And then I was doing drugs and I was, you know, mugging people, whatever the fuck I was doing. Then the deep guilt came in 84.

And that's how I ended up homeless in a fucking park living in a rocket ship because the pain was unbacked. And then I was okay. I was leveled. But 40, Two years later, there's still a little bit of pain. And it's like I tell people when their parents, I go, you're going to make it.

But it's like food. Anything you eat from now on, it's not going to have salt on it. That's the way your life feels. Like it's missing the salt. And I've always said that. So grieving takes fucking years. Years. It takes a long time.

And you might grieve your mom first. Yeah, you might grieve your mom first and come to terms with it. But one day you might have a cocktail or smoke a job. joint and all of a sudden you open up your dad's and now you got to grieve that motherfucker and you're like what the fuck how am i thinking of him he died three years before my mom so grieving is a fucking mental nightmare it is it's like um it feels like boot camp for your soul and it's so individualized you know there's like that kubler ross method of or the stages of grief but i for me you know the stages obviously aren't linear and

There's other things that occur that happen that aren't even a part of what is supposed to happen to you. And the other thing that was fucked up for us is because of COVID and a lot of people experience us. We could have a funeral. So we didn't get to go through that like normal tradition of, which is a healthy process, I think, to see them dead. To see like you said, see them be buried. See them in the casket. like one of the reasons for that is so that we can identify them as being dead and having some levity with that and connection with that helps us understand that they are in fact dead

and even for you you know it was unbelievable for you and that's how strong grief is but we didn't have that so there was a real the disbelief time for me lasted for months I was like where is this this bitch isn't calling me back where is this bitch she doesn't want to go to marshals and She only want a day drink and go to Marshall's? Why? She's got a life now? That's like, part of me was like, oh, she's. It's really crazy.

It's crazy. It's crazy. I forget your mind. It's like the man said, the mind playing tricks on you. Your mind really fucking plays. And once you go through that shit, you also learn that what Rambo said was true. The fucking mind is the most unique thing in the world. Fuck computers.

Your mind could do so many fucking things. It's like when you don't want to do something. and all of a sudden you start getting tired or, man, I don't feel good. That's your fucking mind playing games with you, you know. When you read the art of war, not the one by Sun Su, but the other guy that talks about writing. Have you ever read that one? No. Or whatever, the war of art.

They talk about that, how your mind, you know, fuck, I forgot what I was going to say to you. I got to stop smoking this fucking refraff. No, you were saying how your mind is a thing that creates everything and how your mind is like the most powerful thing. it's you're right. Like what literally it's the same saying is if you believe it, you can achieve it. What that's saying is if you can create or muster up something in your mind, it becomes your reality. Our thoughts become our world. And it's, it's wild how how anything within that can sort of create a reality, whether it's a reality that's close to what's actually going on or us thinking our parents are still alive. We're thinking those

thoughts and we might seem crazy to other people, but that is our reality. That's our truth in that moment because our brain isn't, you know, it's, it's so powerful that it creates whatever that world is. It really is. Like your mind is unbelievable. You know, I was reading about that new diet. Noon. Noon. No. I was just reading about it. Some guy was talking about on Instagram. They had something and I said, let me look this thing up. And it's a diet unlike like weight watches or whatever. it attacks you mental. Wow. You want it to, this diet the first 20 days or something,

there's a lot of journaling, a lot of walking 9,000 steps a day, shit like that. But it teaches you how to eat all over again. But it's psychological. And it's pretty interesting. I was thinking about joining up and seeing what it's about. I'm just not in the mood to start another fucking diet. I'm happy with white watches and it works.

But it just goes to show you that if the mind can, What says the mind can conceive, the body can achieve? Yes. So it all starts with your mind first. It really does. It's like you can create your own placebo effect. It's so weird how I did a podcast last year about turning the switch, how some people, it's harder for, some people turn the switch on quicker than others.

If I put two people on the same open mic and watch them and they both do the same amount of sets every night, one guy is going to naturally be ahead of the other guy. You know what I'm saying? Like one guy and then the one guy catches up over in time. The guy that got ahead, his cat dies, he doesn't go off for a week, and then the other guy comes in and does his sets and catch up. But it's just really interesting how we could start at the same time and we could both have different results,

but we both get to the same destination. You know what I'm saying? Like we comedy. The destination is the comedy store. Every night on stage, That's where I want to be. So when you write down that goal, that's where it starts. I want to be at the comedy store four nights a week.

Next to Bill Burr, next to Jess from A Paluso, next to Joe Rogan. And the more you write that, that's why I always say I like writing goals, because the power of the pen. The power of the pen will take you there without you even fucking knowing. It's so weird. Even now, I write little goals, and I go to the gym, and boom, three weeks later, I'm achieving them. And I thought I can, you know, like being able to row 20 minutes in a row, you know, on the row of Michigan. whatever the fuck. Like I always do stupid shit like that.

You know, I started walking on the treadmill. So you got to like fucking put it up to 10 and run up the hill and die and then switch it. But you got to change it up on your mind. You know, it's so weird how the mind. And I got to be honest with you. And people aren't going to believe in what I tell you this. With comedy, I did a lot of fucking meditating. And I had to see myself there first.

Like I would go to a theater with Joe Rogan and go, wow. I'm never going to be able to play this fucking theater. And then I would go, see, you're catching yourself talking shit. Yep. You have to leave here saying you'll be back on your own one fucking day when you leave the theater. Have your hand touched a wall or whatever. And then go home that night and write it. I want to play this fucking theater.

When I used to work for Joe and I would go to those theaters, I fucking wrote those theaters names down. And I think out of the 31 theaters he took me to, I went to 27 of them on my own. Wow. You know, and a lot of people don't know about that little secret that I did on my own, just to prove to myself that this is where you came at one time as an opener. And now you came back here as a headliner.

Yeah, it's, you know, you're basically applying a lot of really advanced strategy for yourself. You know, visualizing and visualization is huge for achieving goals. it's probably one of the most important aspects of it and writing it down. I do the same thing. I do the same exact thing, mainly because I have ADD, like, you know, actually diagnosed ADD, not just when people say, oh, I have OCD, I have ADD. I really do. And it's a struggle.

And one of the things that helps me with all my chaotic thoughts is writing them all down. And I realize the same thing where you start to write things down. And then you're like, it's really important to track your stuff. otherwise we're just ships with no direction we're literally just floating around in this fucking ocean not not doing anything not going to any port not visiting anybody not catching any fucking fish you're just a ship in the ocean doing jack shit you're rudderless you're rudderless and and it's funny because when I got into comedy I knew nothing you know I didn't have a coach to tell you so everything I did I figured out on my own and the little

things were to write the date the name of the venue, you know, if you were a feature or headliner or MC. I wish I would have done that. And I would write out my set and then, but I would be honest with myself. Like when I get home from a show, before I even did a line of Coke, before I rolled a joint, before I peed, before I took a shit, it was a discipline. I opened up this notebook and would write down my sets. So I did the Houston Laptop.

I did okay. I could have done better. Would you write that down? Yes, and I wouldn't write the reasoning. Like I would never say the audience sucked. I would always put, I need to work harder. And then I would always put the material that I used. The key jokes, so when I come back, I don't use those jokes again.

And it's funny, when I lived in Boulder, I started that. And in Boulder, I had a 20-month, 20-set-a-month goal. You were not going to hit it. There wasn't 20 sets. There was no way. In Colorado? Yeah, when I was an open mic, unless somebody took you on the road,

and I wasn't ready for that. Unless you're entertaining a field of weed. Yeah, no, I would go to like, I would follow like a fucking, what's that shit that Miley Cyrus's dad invented? The whoopee song, whatever the fuck, my achy-breaking heart. Remember they used to dance that fucking dance

in my breaky, breaky-breaky heart, a bunch of rednecks with boots and hats on on a fucking country bar. Shuffling. Dog, Sunday nights, I would, follow line dancing class. There was comedy at 8 after a fucking hour

line dancing class. You had to throw these fucking rednecks out because that's the way the club did it. And then they do country dancing that night at 9. Fucking horrible. You know, Monday I was at a fucking Australian bar and they put us in the back

in the rehearsal room like the rooms had padding and shit on it. And you had to close the door and you couldn't breathe in there. People were on state turning purple. because it was like a bank vault and they would only seat 16 people. Tuesdays I had the comedy works. Wednesday at Club 56

or the fucking Elvis impersonator's room. He was a chef and then he was an Elvis impersonator. He weighed like 500 pounds so I had to open for him and then wait for him to do his set so I could go back up there and greet him good night. Nobody knows. I'd rather take it up the ass than had that job. Now in hindsight that I think about it,

seeing an Elvis impersonator is fucking suicide. Like, that's what Elvis, like, listen, I'm not, you can either do 20 years in jail or sit through a set of an Elvis impersonator with a knife next to you. If you can make it, you'll fucking walk free out of this fucking prison. Thursday at El Dorito, the Mexican joint in Burbank, where the fucking, you get poisoned in there. The food was horrible. Can you cry out of your asshole.

El Dorito was so fucking bad. Like, it was holding on in 94 and 95. But El Torito was in Burbank, a crow. from where fucko does the tonight show you know Jay Leno it's good next to it it was whatever the fuck he's doing now he's got a coffee shop in his garage go fuck yourself you got two million fucking cars cock sucker go get a ticket somewhere yeah that place was where Boston Market is now in Burbank fucking love a Boston market I don't know why not Boston no fuck Boston Market

that place is disgusting they give you your pigeons out of your butthole. It used to be really good. When it first fucking started, you remember the lines for Boston Market? Everybody was eating chicken. But what happened to Boston Market was, people started saying, whoa,

we can make our own chickens for $6.99. So every supermarket started making chicken, so Boston Market fucking, I think there's eight of them left. And they're all like off a throughway. Yeah. Like, that's the worst food to eat while you're in transit. Oh, there was a terrible one in Burbank.

And my daughter liked it. My daughter liked the one in Burbank, and she would ask for a macaroni and cheese restaurant. It was fucking awful. And I would have to sit there and eat that fucking pigeon meat because that's a fucking pigeon. Oh, fucking horrible. Wait, can I ask you a question? I remember you saying something one time that along with, back to what you're saying about writing the date and the place, the location, do you also have a notebook where you've written down everyone you've ever performed with? Well, that notebook would have that on that.

And so it would be the lineup. See, that to me is so interesting to see. You know, I have a couple of those like flyers and things. And it's interesting to see who stuck with it. Because it's very, it's out of like 10 people like two have actually broken through. You know, so it's interesting to see those names that have stuck it for the long haul in this industry. And who has actually achieved in, you know, a nice amount of success where it's all do. There's only one guy

that's doing real comedy from when I was doing comedy in 92, 93, 94, 95 in Denver, that's a kid by the name of Jimmy Abbey, the Mexican guy. I'm 59, he's got to be about 62, hardworking guy. I just never left Colorado. He had it too easy, you know, he had a bunch of gigs during a week, and, you know, every time a concert would come in, they'd call him. Great guy. But I thought about that too. I thought about the fucking guys I started with them where they are playing.

None of them are around. They're not even in the comedy game no more. Wow. It's a tough, it's a tough industry. I know we've talked about this. I'm sure people have listened to conversations about how hard comedy is, but it really is a weird thing. It's a difficult job to get good at.

It's a difficult career to pursue because, you know, you've got to branch out. Like even you. you've branched out into other things and you've done a ton of acting and, you know, podcasting and all of that. Like, do you, out of all the things that you've done in your career, do you view comedy as like your only, the only thing you really enjoy doing? I know you haven't, you sort of are off the road for a while now, but out of everything you've done, is that the thing that you love the most? Or do you enjoy making films as well? In my life, I mean, listen, I love comedy. And the, the young comics that are watching the show,

show. Let me tell you something. Would you want to be a comedy writer, a fucking, whatever? Give stand-up a whirl for one year. I don't want you to be a pro at it. I don't even want you to get good at it. Just make a commitment. Before you get into any field, camera work, any field you want to directing, producing, go do stand-up for a year.

Just go once a week, talk to them guys, learn the mind of a stand-up because that's the best mind in the industry. I'm very proud to say, yes, I love stand-up. comedy. Stand-up comedy took me out of the fucking world of criminality. I fell in love with it. It was all I ever knew. And the one thing about me is I really fucking respected it.

Like, that's where mine and Joe Rogan's connection comes from. We have nothing in common. I'm a criminal. He's a fucking genius. You know what I'm saying? We have nothing in common. But our common thing is our love and respect and dedication for stand-up. I would have died for it.

But it's also... It's the ground for it. law for any entertainment career. Because when you do stand-up, one of the greatest things I ever watched in my life was Roseanne Barr on that fucking show. What's Larry King? Larry King, Lai. Yeah. Right, right.

What happened? I have a vague memory. Well, she did the one episode. She was talking about how Oprah kidnapped her and put receptors in her brain to steal her ideas. So when you say that type of shit, you're like, fucking Roseanne, what are you talking about? But then... All very valid. He asked her a question.

He goes, listen, why did you throw all the people from ABC, the top brass out of the Christmas party one year? And she goes, listen, I was dealing with a bunch of fucking idiots. I love Roseanne for this. I love Roseanne for what she did for me by saying this. She goes, in Hollywood, we deal with a bunch of fucking idiots. They went to college. They watched two movies. They're not us.

We dove ourselves into this. And then she made this statement. She goes, when you do comedy, you're the director, you're the producer, you're the writer, you're the sound tech, you're everything. It breaks down into all those categories that you could grow from. So she goes, when they told me that they wanted me to beat the Cosby show out, I thought about it. And I go, I was going to ask for help, but I didn't need help. I knew how to beat them out. by being fucking funny.

So she goes, I fired all the writers they gave me because they didn't know shit about shit. And I hired stand-up writers and regular writers to mix. And friends, people who knew me, and they were writing the episodes. You know, and I know half the guys she hired. And it was fucking, it was really good for comedy. You know, it was really good to take these guys

and take them through a set and helped them fucking punch up scripts. And that's how she beat Cosby. She knocked Cosby out of Thursday night because she said she went back to her comedic roots. And if you think about it, how many times are you down? How many times have you called me and said, I can't get no help? I can't get this. And after a week as a stand-up comic, you know, you go, fuck help.

I don't need their fucking help. I'm taking this into my own fucking hands. And you put it together better than they were going to do with the agents. And I did that at that. I did that with the longest shot. I did that with America. When they told me they didn't want to see me for the last. longer shot, I said,

fuck you. That's what they told you. And you accepted it. They're not going to tell me that. He's going to get two comedic actors. What Adam Sandler needs is a fucking kick-ass comic for that fucking role. And you don't believe in me as much as you do, and I understand that. But guess what?

I believe in me more than you believe in me. So I'm putting that audition on tape, and I'm sending it to Adam Sandler, and I got that fucking movie. And that's what comics do. We figure out a way. and we always go back to us. Nobody can help you. Nobody's going to help you sell tickets.

Nobody's going to help you write material. Nobody's going to help you book comedy gigs. Nobody's going to do shit, or you have to assume that. You do have to assume that. At the end of all you're crying and all your woe is me, you go, fuck you. I'm going to take matters into my own hands. That's why I put auditions on tape, Jessamine.

When all these motherfuckers were telling me to go out on the road on Wednesdays, because you had to do radio on Thursdays. I would say, no, I do a podcast on Wednesday night. And someday this podcast is going to fucking help me out. And now that I'm 59 and I don't want to do stand-up, that's why I work those Wednesday nights to build a fucking podcast and to build trust with an audience. Even though the agents want, oh, they want you to come in on Wednesday night.

For what? To do some stupid radio on Thursday, I don't need to fucking do. If they want me to come and do radio, I'll tell you what, cancel the week and let's find the week when you don't need radio. And they would go, okay, don't worry about it. Come on it. So that's the thing about stand-ups. And that's the thing about us is human beings.

They're not going to help you. Nobody's going to help you. Assume that. You have to think like that, exactly. Nobody's going to help you. Look at the situation and write three different scenarios on how you could help that situation. How can I become a better comic?

I can write more. I can perform more. You know, I can hang out with Doug Stanhope and learn more. I can hang out with fucking Jessumay. There's three different variables here that I'll put nine months in. to see if I go on a triple run for fucking a year. You want to get really good?

Go for a fucking triple run for a year. Do each of those rooms twice and then come back and see me. You'll be a fucking powerhouse. Hell yeah. I don't know what you're talking about. I changed, you know,

I have reached out to you for help so many different times and just from, you know, that whole conversation what you were just talking about, like you have to assume that no one's going to help you has been the most vital. piece of advice for me, not just in my career, but in life, becoming really self-sufficient and becoming savvy and realizing you have everything inside of you and the resources you need

to get shit done. And no one's going to do it for you. And the longer you think that, the longer you're going to wait and nothing's going to get done. And beyond that, whatever they tell you isn't gospel. Whatever agents say or, or whatever anyone says, that's not the way it is. It's the way they know it to be. And one phrase that I can't fucking stand in the industry is, well, that's the way it's done. Okay, well, at some point, somebody came up with an idea that hadn't been done before, and you know what, it fucking worked.

Don't tell me that's not the, that's the way it's done. Have a little bit of gumption. Have a little bit of fire under you. And that's what I think it makes comedians different. The ones that succeed and break through. There's a fire. There's a relentless ambition. There's like a not accepting no mentality and in this almost like a blind confidence,

especially when you're first starting out. Like, fuck you. No? I'll make it a yes somehow. Like what you're saying. Like they're not, they don't want to see me. And I love that you're like, that's what they told you. That's how you're selling me to them.

You bought that fucking line Like fucking Tony did From Sosa. I was watching that last night Scarface and he tells him you bought that line You know you bought that fucking line Listen this is the way I look at it A wise man was told me His name was Rick Docomman

God rest his soul A casting director's job Is to book that film She wants to tell you That she's going to search high and low For the right actor But when she takes the job She already knows who she's looking for

or three people or four people. If I looked at a job, and I told my agent, I was right for it, and he said, no, I would fucking submit myself. I didn't give a fuck what he said. And maybe six out of ten times I was right. That means I'm betting 60%. They have a limitation.

They're scared, and really now, today, they're very scared. When I got into the business, I used to walk into my manager's office and hear him cursing motherfuckers out. I mean tremendously. Yes, he's out of the business now. because I think he cursed out one too many motherfuckers,

but he fought for you. He believed in you. These motherfuckers today. Look what they did to Cal and DeLea and all these guys by an accusation. The agents dropped them. So all those years you took that fucking money

and now you dropped me. Go fuck yourself. Now look at the Leah and Bill and Brian Cowan. They're all jumping up and down. There's no more rapes. There was never a fucking rape. There was never an... But you guys brought into a fucking allegation

so you let all these motherfuckers go. When I saw that shit in the business, I'm like, these agents are pieces of shit. And in time, we're going to learn how to avoid these motherfuckers. Comics are going to go, you know what, I'm going to get an attorney. I don't even want to go on in a movie or TV. I just want to go on the road. I just got to get a fucking attorney to call these places.

Yeah, a lot of people don't. Jeff Cohen is the greatest. Jeff Cohen's a fucking savage. One of the original goonies and shit. My attorney, truffle shuffles, motherfucker. Try and fuck me over. He was so good. I trust he's just so communicative and honestly has been perfect example has been in the industry as an actor.

You know, it was in Goonies. In Goonies. He is a cultural icon. And because of that understands how to package things and understands what to look for and went to ask for. And after my dad passed away, I started writing about it. And during him being sick, I was. writing about it and it became this thing and I said, I think I want to turn this into a screenplay or something and we ended up partnering with a production company and I wrote a screenplay

treatment for it. And Jeff didn't like the deal. He said, you know, I don't like this deal for you. I know you want to do this and you want to turn this into a movie and I respect that, but this isn't a good deal for you. You know, most people would just take the money and go, yeah, go ahead, make, make the thing. But he knew it mattered to me. He knew, he's like, you know, this is something that is your story and you should write it the way you want it done, not hand it to somebody and have it be turned into something else. And I'll always be indebted to him for that because then it made me take a minute and sit with it and go, oh, he's right. I need to turn this into a different piece of art. This has to be formulated more and really, spent some time on instead of turned over to somebody else to write my experience. You know, because I wanted to write the screenplay. I wanted to write the script and they weren't willing to partner with me. And I was like, well, then I can't, how am I going to hand this to you? You want me to hand my dad's story to you and I can't fucking help write it? Are you crazy? I wrote it so good you want to buy it. You should be smart enough to know that I'm

good enough to write it out. And Jeff was like, we got to go. And it's important. Like, you know, you're right about the lawyer thing. Like having a lawyer that's tough and savvy and willing to go to bat for you, that's one of the main things you need. You know, early on, I reached out and connected with Dane Cook. And that's one of the things he told me too. Do you need a really good lawyer? Start there. Start with a really solid, savvy lawyer and maybe a manager. but a lawyer is somebody who will protect you on all angles of this industry. On all angles. All angles.

My life's a lot better. Now my lawyer is Florentine's brother. Fucking Uncle Dan. That's some jersey. I love that. And that motherfucker does not play fucking games. Jessumay. Do you write your mother and father a letter once a month?

Oh my God. No. I tell you it helped me a lot. Wow. I got a notebook of letters. I write my mother once a month. month. Your granddaughter's doing great. She reminds me your cousin Miriam. That's beautiful. That has helped me so fucking much over the years and especially after I had mercy.

Because the hardest pain, I think, after I had mercy was not having my mother around for her. She's an ordinary, she's an extraordinary little fucking girl that I wish my mother got to be around because my mother's all she need to push her over the other side. Mercy's a, like, a, a, wild woman but she just needs that last push and uh it's great but yeah start writing a letter to your mom on the first first of the month that's a really good idea and your father just to let him if you want you could put in the envelope and go through the process you know like yeah but if you don't just put it in a nobole that's a really great idea it'll fucking uh it'll make you fall in love again Trust me, I'm telling you.

Yeah, I believe that. That's the thank you. That's a really, you know, I've always, through this whole process, have looked for ways to heal and have taken up. You know, I meditate almost every single morning. I meditated every single morning after my mom died for a year. And it changed the game for me. It really gave me a place to put my emotions and gave me a place to have a little bit of space

to breathe. and start the day that way for me has been vital to my survival and journaling and all of that. Honestly, meditating, writing, and working out, if I miss one of those, I'm off. I'm a little off. I'm not, I don't, I'm not as intentional. And I used to think they were such woo-woo things to do. Oh, you journal? Oh, fucking cool, bro.

What do you write, dear Abby? And now that I actually do it, I go, oh, okay, there's something to this. There's something to this. Because like we said, the mind, you have like 100,000 thoughts a day. That's exhausting. That's tiresome. And we know, especially you and I as being artists and performers, they're not all fucking positive. No.

Not like a peanut gallery. You know, for every positive thought, you got to get a next. get a thought and you got to get a dark thought you know so when i get a dark thought i go hey we won't pay attention to it you know like i want to take somebody's eye out or something i won't pay attention to that thought but guess what i also came up with the thought to add music to the pot you know what i'm saying like i'll think of something positive and move forward you got any weeks you got any tour dates coming up anything yeah i actually do i'm i forgot i'm going back on the road i've been off the road for for months now. I'm going to be at the Kansas City Improv for St. Patrick's Day weekend with Cody Woods.

Great club. The great, great, great comic. He's a local guy from there. Yeah. What else you got going on? I'm going on tour with my other podcast. It's a Patreon exclusive pod for now. It's called Girl. And it's with my friend Carly Aquilino and her and I are going on the road. We're going to be in a bunch of cities. Nashville and Chicago, New York. We're hitting all the you know, the COVID hot spots. In my podcast, sharp tongues still going strong. I'm so glad I stuck with it. You know, somebody that was on my team a while back told me maybe I should give it up.

And it just goes back to that conversation about having faith in what you do and knowing you're worth it and knowing you're good. And now, you know, it's allowed me to do whatever I want to do now. Like I don't, I'm not, there's no more feast or famine like because I They put more effort into it and really stuck it out. Like that's now the podcast is taking care of, of a majority of my expenses. And that's because people are listening and enjoying it.

And if I had not doubled down on it and cut it off, like I can't even imagine where I'd be. So, you know, it's all about listening to that positive voice in your head, knowing you're fucking worth it. And not listening to people who've never done what you do, tell you how to do what you're doing. It's fucking crazy when they try to tell you.

And you're like, get the fuck out of my face. The fuck do you know. I get up at 5.45 every in the morning to do a fucking podcast. And you're going to come over here with your fucking story. When are you on the East Coast again? When are you in Point Pleasant again? You know, I owe them a weekend. I owe them a summer weekend at Point Pleasant, New Jersey in Beach Haven.

I don't know. Probably the summer, maybe summer or fall. Call Uncle Vinny. Call Dino and Uncle Vinny. Yeah. I have to. I got to come out there. I told you to call them.

I'll call them today. I will. I will. It's one show Friday, one show Saturday. That's what I'm talking about. You could, you're in the East Coast. You could come over here and crash two nights. I got an extra bedroom.

Go to the next gig. I would love that. Yeah. Just give me a call. You know, I love you to death. I love you too. And I honestly, you checking up on me throughout the quarantine, made me feel like I had family and I appreciate that.

Amen. I don't forget about my fucking girls. You know that. You motherfuckers are savages. In fact, I even called you and said, what's that thing with that little skinny, bony ass out? I don't want to see that bony ass of yours ever again. For years, you were keeping it together.

Now you're flaunting, showing that ass. I don't know what the fuck's going on. That's why I asked you if you have put your grieving away yet, because when I seen that little skinny bony ass, what the fuck is she thinking? That's my sister showing that ass. Cute little ass, but you got to, put some weight on that motherfucker, you know what I'm saying?

You want Johnny Black to hit it with your dick, you know. Johnny Black hits it with your dick at the end, he'll break the cheek. You got to put some Mabo in that motherfucker, you know what I'm saying? I show up back in the day with the Cuban Negro, I'll break your fucking hip. Ah, you're crazy, bitch. Keep me posted. I love you. God bless you.

And if you need something, you call, okay? I know that. I'm happy to this day. Don't forget that letter to Mom and Dad on the First. I'm going to fucking do it. I am when we hang up. And I'm going to hit up, um, Dino too. Okay, I'll call Dino too.

I love you at all my heart. Thank you for coming on the joint. And whenever you want to come on and talk some shit, I like to come on the sharp tongue. So keep me posting. You got to. All right. I'll hit you up. All right.

I love you. Take that bony ass off the fucking TV screen. Hey, bye. Bye. All right, you bad motherfuckers. We talked a lot about losing somebody because that was the topic that we were talking about that the last couple of things. couple weeks on the phone. What do we want to discuss? You know, a lot of people lost people during the

pandemic. So I know you're feeling weird and I don't want you to grieve alone. I wanted to break the grieving process to you and throw you some ideas. If you're grieving somebody and you're really missing that person, I told this to another friend of mine that a father died a while back and she was having a hard time therapy and I go, no, no, no, no, no, right? Your parents, your brother, your sister-in-law. You know, I lost my sister-in-law during the pandemic. I write a letter once every other month. I started about two months ago.

But my mom, I've been writing letters too for about 15 years. And my father, I've been writing letters for about 10 years now. So every month on the first, which was yesterday. This week I did it on Monday night. Just wrote them a short letter, what's going on, how I'm feeling. And it helps, man. It helps if you don't. don't have the money for therapy or whatever.

I mean, grieving is something you got to do on your own. A therapist could always help. You know me, I love better help. But this is something that you could do at home, and it's nice. You write a journal, you write a letter to them once a month, you write your goals. There's a lot of work to be done on a notebook. If you have a notebook at home, it's not for fucking, you're not in school no more. You're not adding nothing.

Get yourself a notebook. Yeah, you're not adding nothing. You know what I'm saying? Get yourself a fucking notebook. book and you know writing it write your thoughts down that's called journaling that's it just writing what you're feeling for the day your girlfriend's a fucking asshole your grandmother sucks dick whatever you could write it in there and learn how to deal with it a lot more and if you lost somebody write them a letter at the beginning of the month you'll feel a lot fucking better i want to thank all you guys i want to thank

jessimae and i want to thank you guys for always having my back and always supporting the podcast and the patreon i want to thank mike for always fucking doing the innovations, whether it's the lights or whatever. We're always coming up on you, motherfuckers. Always getting a little bit better every week. So thank you for your patience. And that's it. Have a great fucking week.

And I'll see you motherfuckers Monday morning. The seventh tip top magoo. Don't forget we got some great fights this week. Mazvedal, you got fucking the whole thing there. And now for a word from my motherfucking sponsors, Jack. All right, you bad motherfuckers. want to thank you. I want to thank Jessamay Paluso, but most

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