The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #143 - The Church Of What's Happening Now

Episode Date: January 20, 2014

Director Billy Corben calls in. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for 50% off your first order. Recorded live on 01/20/2014.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com. That's Huluplus.com slash Joey. Got too excited there. And by Dulleshaef Club.com. Get high-quality raised your sense to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now, go to Dulleshaef Club.com slash church.

That's Dulleshaef Club.com. slash church or just go to joey dyes.net and click on the dollar shave club banner this show is also sponsored by naturebox where you can order great tasting healthy snacks right to your door snack smarter in the new year with healthy and delicious treats like french toast granola support this podcast and get 50% off your first order go to naturebox.com and use promo code joey that's naturebox.com promo code joey I got excited. Oh shit. Oh shit. Are you fucking kidding me or what?

With 10 minutes later, I'm black time. Out of respect for Martin Luther King, you bad black motherfuckers out there. Because at the end, we're all a fucking bunch of yams. Who the fuck are you kidding? Direct from Africa. What? Oh shit.

Monday, January 20th, the day the devil was buried at sea. You bad motherfuckers. Oh shit. Even Jews are jumping up and down right now. They're like, what? What? Listen to this motherfucking beat.

This is real fucking yams from the 70s. Listen to this motherfucker. What? Kick it up, Lee. Trumpets, shiny shoes. Black people jumping up and down. Are you fucking kidding me? Listen.

Whoa. You wanna? Are you fucking kidding me? White, black, purple, yellow. Get the fuck up, you fucking cock suckers. It's America's Martin Luther King Day. By 80 years ago, this guy was marching fucking up and down for your freedom, your fucks.

And then Julius Irving and the ABA came and that's it, everybody loves black people. That's how it happens, you know what I'm saying? Some guy puts a thought of your head. You got to like black people. Then Julius Irving showed up. You know what, these people ain't that bad. They slam dunk, they jump, they got music.

They show up with fucking ribs and a couch. who's better than them? What's going on? Lee, Lee. Boom, boom. Sayat. No, this is the Jew's favorite day. A paid day off. Fuck, come on.

This is the song, They wake up and jump it up and down. They got locks and bagels today. They fucking killed me yesterday, cock sucker. What happened? You didn't like your yarmac on fire. I told you. You can't fuck around.

We shouldn't have got that far. We lost so many people. I just, I got to the point. I understand where you're coming from now. I was upset when I was watching the game. But as soon as it was over, I was over it. It was just. No, no, there's nothing you can do.

I mean, they got to the fucking AFC championship game with one white dude throwing fucking bullets. Yeah, and I love him. Like I said, I like traditional football. I like traditional quarterbacks that sit in the pocket and jiggle with you and throw a fucking bomb at you. There's a beauty to that. He throws that bomb too much, though.

I mean, you saw how good Peyton Manning is and when he's spreading it around or the short ones. Tom Brady, and it's not Tom Brady's fault because he doesn't have anyone to throw to, but he threw like he used to throw like one of those 50-yard passes of the game he threw like eight of them yesterday

just to try to get something you got a fucking you know but in doubt you gotta go for a fucking bomb and wake motherfuckers up you gotta test them yeah you know you gotta test their defense

and test their legs and let me tell you I lived up there for a long time that's a tough place to play out on a Sunday when it's beautiful like that you're doomed you're doomed once the sun is out

and Jesus is there because Jesus goes for those fucking games he does oh I know for a fucking fact I know for a fact, that's God's country, Jack. Once you're there, you feel it. When you walk in there, you fucking feel it.

You feel warm. Everybody's got an orange jersey on them. They're all Jesus freaks. Okay. And they all go to church and right from church, bro. They go to fucking Denny's and right from Denny's. They start barbecuing that game starts at 1 o'clock. They're there from 7 in the fucking morning.

Oh, my goodness. It's a really a beautiful thing to see. You know, I went to a few Denver Bronco games and then we're at the other stadium, the old place. One famous one I went to. It was Monday Night Football. I guess the Kansas City Cheese when Joe Montana at the end.

Oh, wow. It was a great game. You know, I lived there in 87, when Elway and all that shit, so I know what a great football said. I want to congratulate them. I also lived in Seattle. I know that's the city of fucking darkness up there. Jesus Christ.

Batman don't even come out. It's so fucking dark up there, and I want to congratulate them too, you know. Everybody online is very happy because they're both cities that legalized marijuana. Oh, yeah, that's true. You know what I'm saying? I don't know what happened to it.

I don't like the, it's not how I don't like them. I didn't watch the NFC game. I was sick this weekend, so I called it out. The AFC, every time I turned around, they were losing. I saw them throw a couple passes, and I knew, you know, something wasn't right. It was that day. Hey, listen, nothing to be a fucking ashamed of. What's up beside that, Doug?

I had a great weekend. What a nice time at the improv this weekend? Had a great time of the improv. The improv is, it was like one of the first ones that I went to here. I personally, I'm a, I liked you. I like the old feeling one. They haven't quite finished upgrading it yet, so we'll see how it is.

But that was like the first comedy club I went to in L.A., so it's always fun going. It's amazing the other day when I was there. I was sitting in the back Saturday night, and I was feeling sick, and I'm like, I remember walking in here for the first time. Like, I didn't think I had made it, but I knew that I had made it a lot farther

than what I anticipated. Because you went to the store first, right? I went to the store first, and I got to the improv maybe like on a Tuesday or Wednesday night. And was it what it is now? As a comic, what did it feel like going to the improv back then? For me?

Yeah. I was in a fucking, I couldn't believe it. I thought I was walking in the back door. I'm telling you, when I got into comedy in 91, I thought I would just be a local club comic like the ones they showed in that movie with Tom Hanks and Sally Struthers. Where they were in New Jersey. I forget the name of the fucking movie right now.

It's a great movie. It really gets you fired up for stand-up. and I must have watched it 80 times before I got on stage. And punchline? Punchline. And with Angel Salazar and Damon Wayans, and it's got a bunch of great comics, and it shows the life of a comedy.

And I thought, you know, guys that were struggling in the daytime. So when I got into comedy, I thought I would be a local guy. I thought I was just going to stay in Denver. And then after I got divorced, I would move to North Berger, New Jersey, and do comedy locally there, and hopefully do something in New York someday, like if I was good enough, you know.

that was the immediate plan. So when I got to Seattle and Austin, I sort of racking points up there, and Stanhope talked me into LA. Stanhope was a comedy store guy, but his manager was married to Mark Lano, who was one of the partners at the improv. So Stanhope hung out a lot at the improv.

So as soon as I walked into the improv, I started getting love. I got here next week. It would be, I don't even know, Lee. It was 97. So that's like 20, almost 2016? No, no, 16 year anniversary will be next week. I drove into town.

I stopped at Alcapulco. I came in here with a girl named Carol, who had an RV. We pulled over at Stan Hopes. We took a shower, and we went right to the fucking improv. We went to the comedy store. And I saw Eddie Griffin. I saw the guy that hangs out with Red Band that does the ding-dong show. and I saw a couple people up there.

It was just amazing. And I knew. I didn't know if I belonged. I didn't know if I'd get on stage. And next thing you know, I was showcasing for Mitzie Shore, man. And by February 19th, which was my birthday, I was a regular at the store and at the improv. And I was getting spots at the laugh actor. That's quick, right?

That's very quick. Three weeks. I was a regular at both places. So right there, I was walking on fucking clouds. How big is it? Because I know in other industries it's huge. How big is it that you knew people already here? Doug Stanhope gave me the reference for the comedy store.

Doug Stanhope gave me the reference for the improv, and I got on stage and did good. No, in those days it was a Latino night on Sunday nights. I got on stage a Latino night. The guy that booked the club saw me. There's a little window at the side of the improv. That's where the booker sits and watch his accent. He saw me.

Richard Cooper was his name. So Richard Cooper started giving me spots Little by little. That's what happens. Oh, no, you had to do something with it. Right, right, right. You had to do something with it. The store I showcase for Mitzie Short. I didn't showcase for nobody else,

but Mitzie motherfucking short. Three minutes, bitches. Three minutes, bitches. Do you remember what you said? Three minutes, bitches. Not even a fucking clue. But I knew you had to grab her. You had a fucking grabber.

And to me, that was the end all, was grabbing Mitsy fucking short. When I first went up to the first time, and she goes, come back next week, have ten minutes. You know, that was it. I went and bought a gram of blow. I got my dick sucked. I, 89.

I did everything that night. Eighty-nine? Yeah, that's when you get 69 and you stab with two knives. I don't fucking know. I don't know. I love it. But that's the feeling. That was it right then, walking into the improv.

And knowing that wasn't shit, I was walking into these places thinking that they didn't know that I was getting away with murder. Like, I ain't shit. I don't even want to go on fucking stage. And then I would go on stage and do okay. But I've been, you know, you just keep going back, and there's a lot more to the, you know, listen, the funniest fucking people are not here. The funniest people working with Midwest struggling right now,

trying to put together fucking $8,000 and selling T-shirt and CDs. When you get here, it includes a couple different things. And it goes back to the concept of it's not how many people you shoot, it's who you shoot. Okay, that's the fucking thing right here. I saw a girl at night at the club that I started with out here. We used to hustle around, coffee, shops in the valley, you know, by Barham right there, that building, that used to be

a huge comedy a coffee place with scripts that you could read off the shelf and a projector room and we all go up there on Sundays. I forget what her name was, and now she's a producer she sold a few shows. She goes, I follow you on Twitter. I go,

it's funny because I saw your name, but I thought I was fucking hallucinating because she retweets the dirtiest shit. I was, that retweet. She goes, I love it in the morning. Oh, my God. Suck a dick. I fucking love it. And so, like I said, that really fucked me up a couple of weeks ago when I saw that comic that I started with and he was parking cars in Hollywood.

That really fucked with me. I went to an event to feel good about myself to watch my movie and ended up leaving feeling bad on myself. I felt bad that I had done something and he had it, that he was still parking cars. And it teaches you that it's not about the funniest guy because he was a funny guy. He just didn't do nothing with it. I always knew that my comedy wasn't going to, bro, I always knew that it wasn't going to be about the comedy. So I knew I had a book shit.

I knew I had a book shit. I had a plan already. As long as you're honest with yourself. I wasn't going to go to Montreal. I wasn't going to get invited to any festivals, nothing. But how you could creep is by doing little roles because club owners will tell you now to at least consider you because you're on your path. You start popping a few movies early on. People don't fuck with you.

They're like, ah, this guy could be. deadly later on. I don't want to fuck with him now because years from now, he might tell me no. You understand how it works out here? People will not return your call. They'd rather not say no or yes to you because they know in the future. You might get big or they might get big and they'll never say to you. I didn't say no. That wasn't my idea. No, I never got those messages. Oh my God. My receptionist, I fired her. You understand me? Okay. It's crazy that, like how that shouldn't matter. Like movie roles shouldn't affect stand-up gigs, but I mean it's... But it affects your online. Your own line for something.

Yeah. So there may be something there. There may be something there. Do you understand me? So that's how they think in the back of their head. So I kept propelling up. We go with movie rolls and TV rolls. It's funny when you think back where you are today.

Like sometimes a lot of people wake up, it's January 20th, 2014. Everybody, real quick, go to January 20th, 2004. Where were you, Lee? High school. Seriously? Yeah, I was... And what were you thinking? I was a freshman in high school.

And what were you fucking thinking? Were you thinking anything about the future? Were you thinking about movies? Were you thinking about jerking off in the chick's head? What were you thinking about? I was... Fuck, I don't even... I had probably just taken my first film class, and I love that.

I wasn't over high school yet, because I was... I've always been friends with older people, so I was friends with, like, the seniors, I would joke around with them. Fuck, I was a freshman in high school. That's so crazy. I always want people, when you wake up in the morning, you're in the shower, when you're thinking about your situation,

think back to 10 years. And then you get a little old, and you think back to 20 years. If I think back to 10 years, I was still doing blah. I was a fucking human mess. Yeah. I was starting to get it together. I was really three months, four months away from booking a breakthrough roll in the longest yard.

And I didn't even fucking know it, because I started shooting along the yard. 2004. It came out in 2005. We shot in 2004. I had opened up the year with a cold case maybe. Like I came back from winter break, bam, and shot a fucking cold case, disco inferno. I was 380 pounds, 390 pounds. I had a little bit of pain left, but most of the pain had gone away. Like I thought about that, 2004. I thought about 94. I was a ball of fucking pain. And then 84, I was a ball of fucking pain. In the 84, I was a ball of pain. So you think about how your happiness shifts.

You know, and a lot of times, I'm older, so I like to talk about this ship because you never think about it. I never thought I was going to be fucking 50. I never thought I was going to be sitting across from some fucking Jewish guy. I'm Martin Luther King Day doing a podcast. What the fuck is a podcast 20 fucking years ago.

Yeah. You know, so I want people to do that from time to time. When you wake up and you're having a rough day, check, plant your feet and say, where the fuck was I 10 years ago? Where's that Tony Bennett song, Cocksucker? Ten years ago, what was I doing? And you'll see this change in your life

and you'll see that you made progress and you'll see that you're a bad motherfucker on a Monday. What, Lee? Where's the reef of Lee? Coxucker. He smoked all? I don't know.

I want to be around. Oh, shit. To pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Some, somebody twice as smart. as I somebody who

will swear to be true because last night I might all my grandparents have been have passed away like decades a decade ago but my mom's older brother and his wife

are like 70s so they've always been kind of like my grandparents and they're here so I went with the girl and her them to sushi last night and it's crazy because I've never introduced a girl to them and they're joking around and at the end of the meal I knew he was going to go for it so I paid for it and now I'm kind of hurting because it was like a sushi so it was

a lot of money but it was a saying like thinking about where you were just like I can't imagine I could I could never have imagined 10 years ago that I'd be out in LA doing what I'm doing paying for sushi it's just it was it was a crazy experience the thought for me is basically I want you to go back and think of what you were thinking and that's how you know you got to go back and see what you were thinking 10 years back today January 20th 2000 fucking 4 what were you thinking what were your goals what were your plans I want you to tell me that you had plans and that this is what you're doing now and you feel a lot better about it you know I'm saying I want you to tell me that you went to college for communication

yeah and you came out and now you're producing a TV show I want you to tell me that you went to college for fucking philosophy and now you're the number one drug deal in the Chicago Black Market. I want you to, you know what I'm saying? To think of where you're going at 20, to think of where you're going at 30. Fucking at 20, oh my fucking God, was I scared? Was I fucking scared?

You know, no wonder I did blow. Sure, I was fucking scared. I didn't know what fucking the future was going to. But I'll tell you what, when you think I was eating breakfast 20 years, when I was in 1984, if I tell you the truth, that if I was right now, if I was eating breakfast, 30 years ago, I was about to make one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

Really? Didn't know. January of 1984, I had it all. I was in Colorado. I had some suspicion in the end that I was burglarizing, but they couldn't put their hands on it. By this time, I had enough money. I had calmed down. I had gotten rid of everything that was in the house.

They couldn't get a search warrant. I was exercising. I had a job. I was going to school. And for some reason, I had to go back to North Carolina. I was missing something. And what became a two-week vacation ended up being an 18-month fucking pain hell ride. Hell ride.

I mean, when I left there, I was fucking broken. By the time I got on that fucking bus to Creskill, New Jersey in January of 85, I was broken. It took me a month just to recover, to get sleep and to get clear. It took me another month. It was just one bad decision after another. But it's amazing that now I look back at it and who gives a fuck. It was a learning fucking curve. It was learning fucking experience.

So what was the mistake? I went home. I had everything. I had everything right there in front of me. I had everything. Did I really? I was going to have burglarize something and I was going to get busted. But at this time, I had like 20 grand.

I had some jewelry stashed. You know, I was taking classes. I was working for an electrician. I think I was making $10, $12 an hour at that time. That's 30 fucking years ago. Yeah. I had a cool job. I had a lot of opportunities around me.

It doesn't take long in a small place like Snowmass Village in those days to move forward because people always move. So if you wanted to really be a manager or something, or you really wanted to do something, all you had to do is get a job there. And within a year, you'd have that job because it's always movement. You know, like, let's say there was a store called Sport Cayland. There was a ski store. I had a friend that started there part-time. And within two years, he was running that fucking place where I would walk in. He'd just give me the best keys on my house

and say, when you come back, you got to write a review on. Oh, okay. You know, like shit like that. It was just amazing, you know. So I could have done something. I could have really done something up there, but I was too much of a thief at the time. You know, I remember getting a job up there

as a construction helper for six weeks. The guy had to be 70. He broke my rib by mistake. He dropped a two by 12 on my fucking thing. It was horrible. I had to go to the hospital. done. It cut my skin.

The scar went away. I think the fat fucking grew over it. But I remember we doing five condos. And I had the keys to all five condos. And I would just fucking walk in and get on the phone and call Jersey. And I would take sweaters from the people. Went to sweaters. And I remember even one time bringing a girl up there and fucking I'm bringing blow up there.

It was like, where was my fucking head at? You know, but that's what you do. You do dumb shit like that. So I was on the radar. already to be in trouble. So I thought if I would leave for two weeks, I don't know what I was thinking. In my heart, I really just wanted to leave.

I was homesick. You know, and I went home, and it was a big fucking mistake. So if you're living somewhere and you're doing good, stay home, mind your fucking business. That's all I'm trying to fucking say on Martin Luther King Day. What's up, Lee? Nothing, dude.

I feel great. We got some new podcast starting for people who are listening. We're starting a new podcast with Jerry Rocha and Rick Ramos. The movie guy. You know, I've known Jerry for 12, 13 years, and I've known Rick Ramos for the same. So I think it's time for everybody to expand here a little bit. We've had Rick on the show a couple times,

and he's hit it out of the fucking park of movie knowledge. I think you guys will learn from Rick. I really do. Rick knows so much about movies. A lot of people hit me up. I need movie choices, whatever. Rick will break you right through them like a jihitsu fucking school. The white belt movies become fucking blue.

I'm serious. Yeah. Because that's how you have to watch some of these movies. To understand this movie, You have to watch this movie and open this up for you. You follow me? So pay attention to Rick. He's doing it once a week.

And Jerry LaRouca, you know, is the king of fucking comic books and fucking music. I mean, everything that my child has, music, Ramones, between him and Felipe, everything my daughter has is ACDC, Pink Floyd. You know, they love, and me and Jerry and I share a passion for Pink Floyd with tears in our eyes. We love David Gilmore. And I think that's what our real bond is. So once they get the podcast started, you know, give them some attention and give them some love. I'm sure you guys will learn something. The same way I get something from, you know.

No, I'm excited to start them. Me too, you fuck. What's happening? I was sick this weekend, guys. Sick bad. I didn't know if we wanted to tell the story or not. Jesus Christ. I went to bed last night and I pulled open the sheet to make the bed.

Yeah. And I had to 10.30 at night there was a shit staying on my bed. I had to pull the sheet, throw the cat off the fucking bed. Guys, it was the weekend. from hell and this is why you learn a fucking lesson from uncle Joe you ready for this one once you're home stay to fuck home i got home in 20 to fucking 11 not even 20 after 10 or something on friday night Friday night i'm home minding my own business smoking dope i'm drinking coffee i got an 8 a m kettlebell class that i really wanted to make he just started the class on saturday it was my first Saturday home

i really wanted to do this is 45 minutes i was going to pick up my daughter drop them off at the pool take the car to service that they were going to meet me after we're going to go eat lunch that was the plan of the fucking day after that we both do what the fuck we want to do 1130 something the phone rings this di agostina he goes guess who's out there i tell you what was i hungry i was okay hungry like i could eat but if i go to bed it wouldn't fucking kill me but you know what i'm a grown fucking man and i stay in four nights a week even though i'm a comedian i'm in during a week. I'm in bed at 8 o'clock. I got to get up at 4.45 to do this

fucking thing with you savages. So I'm in bed early. You got to fucking rest. You got to rest, you know? And I go, fuck it. Let me go get out of the house. Let me go breed some vampire fucking air. You know, it's good for the soul sometimes. I get out there at night and breathe. I get out there. I get a taco.

Delicious. I got another taco. I get four tacos. By the fourth one, I don't know. You ever just feel something. Something bleed. Oh, immediately. Oh, you fucking... Something.

Something. I don't know. I didn't even drink a soda. I got in the car. I went home. I watched something on television. I watched Survivor Man. Holy fuck.

That's a crazy show. And then I went to sleep. About 3 o'clock, I woke up because I was dizzy. How do you wake up in bed dizzy? I didn't drink alcohol. The bed was spinning me. Oh, that's a worst feeling. I got up, I peed, and I could feel the tickle in my throat.

So I knew something was coming up. I burped the taco. I burped it again. I went back to bed. I think two hours later, bam, I wake up, I'm shitting, I'm farting, I'm barfing the whole fucking deal.

I'm barfing a little bit, so now I'm thirsty. I get up at eight, I'm shaking in bed, I'm shaking at nine. I get up and I want something like lemon, so I get tea and lemon. I drink that, everything's cool. I drink some more green tea with lemon, some sugar, no sugar,

there's some sweet and astavia from on it. I got to throw a plug in there. Boom. And I'm fine. I'm okay. I'm not fine, I'm okay. Yeah, you're maintaining. I'm maintaining.

And then somewhere along the line, I lay down dog, and in that fucking round, I got up, I farted, and it was shit in my drawers. I ran, I started shitting, and I started projectile vomiting, that it was just, I thought I was getting a heart attack. My heart was hurting from how hard the tea was coming out. Oh, no.

And bits of tacos and bits of lettuce and tomato. And it was just, I think it was a bad, I don't know what the fuck it was. But I'm petrified now. I saw a report last week where the flu kills some people. There's some states where they set up tents outside the hospital because the demand is too much. And I know in my heart I understand the flu.

Basically, the flu will sit dormant in you. And every time you get excited to break a sweat or something like that, that motherfucker goes live. I don't know how you know that because that happened to me last week. It goes live. It goes live because it happened to me two or three Christmases ago. I thought I was Johnny Tarzan. And I went to the YMCA and I feel good and got in the car.

And the next day I woke up and that fucking fever was on fire. He said, on fucking fire. You know, medication, the doctor, bronchitis, I'm smoking dope and the bronchitis. And it becomes a month. So I know for a fact, if you, like today, listen, I know this morning, it was hard for me to wake up. You know, I slept fucking yesterday. I slept three hours in the afternoon. I slept until 10.

I slept again at 4. I fucking slept yesterday. I went to bed last night like a box of rocks. I got up in two, three, and four, and the alarm woke me up this morning, which is a real rarity. And I sat there fucked up drinking green tea because I'm not drinking coffee no more.

Why? I don't know. I'm going to drink green tea. I'm just sick of coffee. You love mixing it up. You know what? I'm sick of coffee. I've never really, really... I became a coffee guy later on when I smoked cigarettes.

I'm not really a coffee guy. I don't like that warmth in the fucking morning. I like to start off with two fucking ice cubes. you know what I'm saying? Get the system gone like a polar bear. I need to find something to replace this because I need something, I need caffeine, but I don't do coffee and I shouldn't do the soda,

so I need to find something. And you were saying tea. I've never found a tea I've liked, so I need to find something that I enjoy. There's some fucking places. Like, what you do is it costs you a dollar to try a tea if you go to fucking coffee being a Starbucks. Or even Marie KTC, you know.

You go to, ETC, you look at the board, they have that fucking mint tea, that blue English mint tea. That's delicious, you know, and you put a little sweetener in it. They've got that cherry something when you go at the coffee bean, they got a cherry something tea. Delicious. Half of them have a fruit punch tea. Yeah, I look at the Tozer one at Starbucks, but they throw 18 pounds of sugar in it. You don't want them to sweeten it.

Tell them you want it unsweetened. Okay. I want it unsweetened because if not they'll put that liquid sugar, which is right to your fucking stomach. Yeah. Tell them, don't touch it. Just give it to me and you put fucking stevie. You put two steveas and mix it up and it's delicious and it's good for you and it's got zero calories and some of that shit is they got all that stuff All that's the antioxidants and all that stuff you know all the fuck around though

Yeah, but tea is always very good for you even the China When you go to a Chinese restaurant the whole bitois the Chinese restaurant is the tea up front Yeah It cleanses your nice fucking no do that out here do they? Not really. Just the metal the metal pot I used to burn my hands on that when I was a kid On purpose you didn't give a fuck how come you got sticky fingers It was a big thing when my parents let me finally have the tea.

How many times a week would you go for Chinese food when you were a kid? Once a month, twice a month. Maybe once or twice a month. But we had good Chinese places. I was telling my aunt and uncle last night, they don't have the mustard out here. You know who had a great, Steve Simone? He always talks about kid stuff, and he did. That's what he did at your show.

He did the, going to Chinese food as a kid, and it brought back so many memories. It was a, yeah, it's fucking crazy. Once a week, it was like a big treat. Yeah. Somebody was writing on a page. What Chinese restaurant did you go to in your area and what days? And what people put Sundays we'd go to the Wing Fang. Wing Fang was a Chinese restaurant that was like maybe a six or a seven.

Not bad pork fried rice when I was growing up. Yeah. But we always went in there and ran the fuck out of there. Always a dining dash situation. I'd never done it. I would love to have done that at some point. I dined and dash a thousand times out of the fucking Wing Fang. And about a thousand times out of that place where George and I used to go,

or the wings and the ground round. And they still let you come back? I was a king. I would walk out. I would talk to the manager on the way out with the check in my head. I mean, that's the way to do it because you don't look suspicious. And I'd leave a tip. Okay.

I'd leave like a 20 just to let the bitch know I was real and shit. I just wanted to make a point because they had to check themselves. Oh, my God. So that means this week I got to be good this week. So today at 11.30, I got to go to wardrobe. And that 12th day, I got a little table read for the Mark Marion show, which I'm shooting next week. Oh, that's so cool. So I'm shooting that next Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.

So this week we're doing a podcast. I go to Minneapolis Wednesday afternoon. I come back Sunday and I go right on set on Monday morning. I'm very fortunate that Mark gave me this opportunity. He wrote a great fucking script with one of the writers. And I'm really happy that he did this. That's cool that came out of the podcast probably, right? Yeah.

It's really good to see a comic helping another comic. It means the world to me that he's gone out of his way. And this just isn't me as a garbage man for two minutes with a funny joke. This is an arc and the whole thing. So I really want to thank him. It takes a lot for a comedian to help. And in these days, I've gotten a lot of help, and I'm very thankful for that. You know, you come out here, I never want people to say,

well, Jennifer Anderson's father was this. Yeah, but you have to do something. You know, be having a relative to something helps you so much, but you have to do something. You have to work at some level. It makes you want to work hard. When I came out here and people started opening doors for me, you know, by giving me a show or give me a way to earn money. You know, Felipe Espars, Jesus Christ, never has somebody given me so many opportunities. When I first got out here and any time I needed a fucking, not even needed a gig, I get a call and it was Felipe.

Hey, fool. This guy's looking for a comic for Tuesday night. Me and you and whatever, 200, and we split together. You know, whatever. It was always picking up a 50 or a 20 or a 30, which, who does? Who does? And some people got $30, fuck you. I looked at it.

It was all going to the same fucking station. Yeah, the same. When you're broke, you're broke, you're broke. You're picking up 100 from the comedy store, 80 from this one. I remember with Josh Wolf driving the fucking Chino on Sunday nights for 50 bucks. Chino, that's an hour away. each way getting back home at two in the morning on a Sunday night because the show started at fucking 10 my friend

you know these are the things you remember so when when I've said this story before that I saw a slash at a casino once at the Riviera I was there with Joe doing a dirty show it had to be like the summer in 98 there was also like a gamer convention at the time and he was there I don't even know if that's the proper

yeah gamer guys that played those games on TV and PC3s and she don't know what they were at the time. And I saw him later on, and he was very nice. He used to come to a room in those days that did comedy, the union, that was run by Ahmed Ahmed and Vince. Vince Vaughn? Vince Vaughn. Okay.

And Vince Vaughn's girlfriend at the time, ran a room. And he was there one night giggling, and I said, hello. And I went up to him, which I would never do at the Vegas room. I asked him when we spoke. And I asked him what happened with Axel Rose. And he says that sometimes people wake up in the morning and they flip out because this becomes real. you know, this becomes real at some point.

And then you start doubting yourself. You know, that you, with me, I never wanted to, if anything happened, I never wanted to doubt that I put the work in. I wanted to always know in the back of my mind that I put the work in. So there was no misunderstandings. When I sat there and saw myself from Brooklyn 9-9, last week I got to go do my demo reel. I got a new agent.

Okay. And, you know, there's shit I have at the house. I don't even remember, Lee. I press a button, I tape it, and I didn't know how to take shit off a deal. DVR. This is their specialty, so we had to take everything off to DVR. And there were scenes of me on General Hospital. Lee, are you fucking crazy? Are you fucking crazy, Lee? When the fuck did I ever tell you I want to be on fucking General Hospital? I'm a fucking comedian, a dirty comic that went to prison, that barely took acting classes. I took maybe four months of acting

classes, and I dove into this. I never dreamed. I dreamed of maybe being an extra, maybe walking on this set no shit dog you just booked that wow just being an extra for me would be happy I was on general hospital

praying a fucking preacher that marries people seriously Lee seriously Lee so this is why I say check your fucking feet every day and see where you're at and see what you want

because it's a fucking amazing goddamn fucking journey Lee it really is I sat there going and it made it easier I understood those late night spots at the store I understood

fucking working Sunday nights then I understood all these things that you sit back and you go wow I did those things this wasn't a fucking bullshit game I really put my heart into this I lost a child over this I put my heart into this

and when I made that commitment I always knew that I could always look in the eye 20 years later and say look I fail there but I gained here because I wanted you to see that when I did do that move I showed up with something 20 years later

who knows if I would talk again, you know, I got the new one at the house busting my fucking balls all day. But do you think about that a lot? Do you think when you're doing something like this makes it worth it leaving Jackie? I think that I made, I did a negative move on one hand and I did a positive on the other. But you think about it that, like, if she ever says to me why, why did, what happened and why? I could always say it wasn't working out. It was a negative, negative situation that was going to get worse.

And before that happened, I might as well take that energy and make it into something positive, something that I learned in prison. We got to call it. Go ahead. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Buenos die, amigo. Buenos dees, yourself.

How are you, my friend? Happy New Year. Happy Martin Luther King Day. Happy Martin Luther King Day on the second. I knew you would come up with that fucking guy. What's happening, brother? Well, I think it's appropriate. It's a good occasion for this new year.

There's a lot of freedom ringing in the United States this year. You're always on top of things. That's what I like about you, you know what I'm saying? Now you're on top of freedom. I fucking love it. I love it. I thought about you. You know, I was watching the coverage in the New Year of Colorado.

And I was thinking that the 24-hour news a station seemed to be covering it like it was like a bit of a joke. You know, they were covering it like it was some sort of a hippie Freedom Day or something in Colorado. And I was a little turned off by it because I thought this is actually a pretty extraordinary moment in United States history. I mean, at the risk of being hyperbolic about it, it's kind of like the passage of the 13th Amendment. Of course, it was just one state, but it was like all of a sudden you saw people who were free to, do what they wanted to do with their own bodies. And more importantly, I started to think about all of the people throughout the history of this country

who were deprived of liberty and property because of this, you know, unjustly. And now all of a sudden it's like, it's okay. And I thought, you know, we did a documentary called Square Grupper, the Godfathers of Ganja, and we interviewed a man named Robert Platchorn, who was the longest-serving nonviolent marijuana prisoner in American history. I mean, the man served nearly 30 years in prison, tore his family apart, destroyed his life, because he hauled a couple thousand pounds of marijuana from Columbia to Miami. And I thought of him, and I thought, like, I'm glad he lived to see this day, you know, to see this wrong be righted.

And I don't know, I thought it was appropriate that we talked on Martin Luther King Day. You're a beautiful fucking man. You really are. What's something? You went to Sundance last weekend. That's real fucking freedom. You live like a doctor, though. freeze my ass off.

Still, but you're up there, you're talking, you know, showing films. You're a fucking legend. No, you're, you're, you're my agent. That's what you should be. You should be my agent. You're a sweetheart. The reason why I love you, bro, is, you know, you're one of the few people I really laugh at the tweets and I see what you're seeing.

I see what you're seeing through your eyes. And now we're talking and you're mentioning freedom, something that we never think a fucking minute about. We don't think Fucking dick about And then two weeks ago I spoke to my sister on the phone in Cuba And I asked us something about

Where I could send money and all this shit And it's so easy right now You get on the phone to me and say Joey You're not gonna believe there's somebody robbed me And you put 500 in the mail And within 10 minutes I could have 5,000 in the mail to you right there

And in Miami If I send money to my sister I have to go through so many hoops And fucking things just for her to get $500, which she'll only end up getting 230 American or something like that, or 230 Cuban. And I think about freedom.

It's only 90 miles away, too. You know, it's an amazing thing to think for how long those folks have suffered so close to what it is that we enjoy here. And I think, you know, that's the thing like when I criticize, and you know, I want to do, especially on the Twitter, I criticize our extraordinary country. It's only because, you know, you only roast the ones you love. You know, and I think it's the greatest country in the world, but I don't think there's any reason why it shouldn't be better.

And I think that's what we're seeing. I mean, I think we're seeing the country becoming a better place, a more inclusive place, and more open place, and a more free place. And in a country that's always kind of advertised or marketed itself to the world as a free country, why shouldn't we be more free? You know, what sense does it make that we've got to put up with the TSA

every time we've got to fly somewhere for work or to visit family in our own country? You know, why is it that we should put up with something like that? And we shouldn't put up with something like that, you know, and people think, oh, it's just, you know, it's the bureaucracy, it's the government. This is a government, you know, by the people of the people and for the people. And any time it starts to stray away from that, we are the people who have to make sure that we vote and spend our money in a way that we get it back in line

and probably don't use your credit card to target. That would help too, I think. I'm not being Johnny propaganda here. But, you know, listen, I've had my doubts. Even if fucking Al-Qaeda exist, there's times I sit there and go, what if this is just a picture of a bunch of Arabs jumping up and down? They've been selling us for 10 fucking years

as an enemy that don't even exist. These people don't want to bother nobody. They just want to sell wings at 7-Eleven, although what the fuck they do. You know, Now they're pushing a fucking pizza. I want to buy a pizza from a fucking Hindu. Every time I go to 7-Eleven now,

you want pizza, fucking $5. Like, I'm going to give you a fin for fucking pizza. Knock it off. But it's amazing that I'm a little scared. I would hate to not see the TSA there. A lot of people are bothered by the TSA. For me, I fly every week. It's a part of doing business.

And for some fucked up reason, I believe that they're doing a job. deep down inside. I know they're wasting our fucking tax dollars. I hate to say this, but this is a freedom of speech. But it gives me, for that minute that I'm flying,

for that minute that I'm flying, that I'm going through that, I believe that they're really protecting us. I really believe that there's a guy out there that can't sneak in from the fucking back of the airport, like the airport through the fence like a Puerto Rican. By the way, that's never really happened before. You know, there's always been security at the airport.

I mean, you've never seen people just walking in and out of restricted doors or anything at the airport before. I mean, I've been flying my entire life, and I will tell you that you are right. They are just wasting our money. They have never stopped anybody. They have never thwarted an attempt. The kinds of stuff that get through those security checkpoints would boggle your mind because of how inefficient, inept, poorly trained, and unprofessional they are. I mean, they are really there just to put the Constitution through a shredder. They have no sort of kind of customer service or common courtesy.

And they keep expanding their authority as well on their own. This is what happens. This is how bureaucracies completely spiral out of control. I mean, look at the DEA. Look at what the DEA has become. And the DEA is this almost autonomous government unto itself that operates in countries around the world with its own foreign policy, completely independent from the elected officials, that you and I, vote for to actually establish this policy.

I mean, the DEA went around, and they started creating their own villains to combat. I mean, in the 80s, we did a documentary called Limelight about Peter Gation in the Deconsecrated Church. You and I've talked about this before, and the DEA autonomously made MDMA, which at the time was being used by therapists in marriage counseling sessions to bring out feelings and honesty and emotion in people, and was literally being debated in an open and public and legitimate scientific way about whether or not it was a helpful drug or whether or not it was a dangerous drug. And what does the DEA do? They declare it a controlled substance. This wasn't the FDA.

This wasn't, you know, Congress. The DEA said, we now have a new villain, and what did that enable them to do? They had to create new task forces. They had to hire more people. They had to go to Congress and ask for more money. And the next thing you know, it's this completely rich organization justifying its existence by inventing new threats and enemies that it has to combat and it needs more money. That's what the TSA is doing. They now need to be a train station's to examine passengers coming off of trains who have just completed their travel. You look at the statistics, and it is what you said. They are just wasting our money. We would be safer Because remember, you and I, dude, we're the ones who wind up on those planes after they put us through that nonsense and don't actually effectively search anybody but just harass people.

You and I are the last line of defense, not them. These aren't some sort of brave men and men and women. These are bureaucrats in a make-work program, not a security or military program. We're on the planes by ourselves with combating whatever we have to whatever legitimate threat might actually exist, not the TSA. I, like I said, every time I fly, I check out the TSA. I check them out, and I look at them with the most, honest to God, Billy, I look at them with respect. I try. And I go up there and I talk to them in Burbank.

I know all of them. You flown out of Burbank with me. I think Tom's a girl, flew out of Burbank when me. He goes, you know everybody at the TSA. I started with one actor that I met through auditions that was a TSA guy. And it just so happens. He worked in Burbank, and I've become friends with all of them. and you know what in my heart

there are a bunch of nice guys in Burbank and even the guys in Denver when I fly out of LAX I'm sorry there's a black guy that checks my stuff that he always says how you doing today and I was go you know me dog staying black and we fucking howled each other and I like that I like that and in my mind I really think that

they're there but they're there to deter they have all those uniforms I just flew into Buffalo and I realized Buffalo is the training center when you fly in and out of Buffalo you'll be be in and out of there in eight fucking minutes because there are millions of them. Millions of them, they train them there.

I went through Buffalo in three fucking minutes. I could not believe it. But I've flown out of other airports where the TSA is a complete fucking joke to the point where I wanted to take my fucking camera phone out and start shooting and go, look at, there's 20 of them, and they're chit-chatting. They're fucking chik-chat. It was one that I went through, and it was a bunch of women, and they were fucking. chit-chatting, and I'm furious.

I'm at six in the morning, I'm fucking hungry. You know, I always give myself two hours. But I see where, you know, I think it's, like I said, they're just there to make us feel good. Well, you, you're a true believer, though, too. That's the thing. You can love the man, but not love the mission. You know, I have nothing personally against any of the people.

Right, right. No, no. They're just Americans, some hardworking, some, as you observed, not so hardworking. uh... and the truth is i i got a buddy who uh... after nine eleven uh... you know he was looking to do something to get involved he contemplated joining the military and then they created the department of homeland security they created the t s a and he decided he was going to join the t s a that was how he was

going to make a contribution to this war on terror and how he was going to feel like he was getting involved in giving something back and i got to tell you he's been there ever since and he is so fed up with the organization with how it operates it. He now, he has to be transferred since he's got seniority. He has to be transferred out of the security lines,

and now he's like downstairs in an office dealing with luggage. Like he's so kind of frustrated and disillusioned with what it's come to. And he was where you were at. He was like, okay, this is a good place with good people doing good work. And now he's, you know, now he's where I'm at, which is like, what are we doing here? What is the purpose of any of this? We should probably go back to privatizing it and let, the airlines who are dealing with these customers worry about this.

Billy, for me, I came here as a three-year-old kid. You know, I moved to New York City. My mother was involved in numbers, you know. So I saw, you know, the one thing I remembered man being five and six is that I loved where I was. I loved this country. When I saw a cop on the corner, I really genuinely believed he was there in the service. But then, guess what happened? I saw cops come into my mother's bookie joints and take an envelope once a week.

So I saw the humanity side of it. As I got older at the bar, I saw cops come in and take an envelope once a week. You know, but all my, I mean, everything I believe in is in this fucking flag. And I may be crazy, I smoked my dope, I went to prison. I actually believe the system works at some level. That the system cannot work 100%. That part of it has to come from us. That's what I believe.

The system worked for me, but I also worked the system. Do you understand me? Absolutely. I think this is the problem is that ultimately we're all just human beings. You know, we really like to kind of put people up on a pedestal, whether it's police officers or firefighters or athletes or actors or singers. We like to say, oh, my God, these people are gods. These people are heroes.

These people, you know, have a talent or do something for a living that makes them better than everybody else and extraordinary, and then there's nothing we love more after that than to tear these people down, or to clutch our pearls and make the shocking discovery that they're actually just human beings, you know, like the rest of us are. You know, and they are susceptible to fear,

and they are susceptible to greed, and they are susceptible to corruption and to every, and to illness and every other, you know, every other thing that you and I are are susceptible to. I'm sure you've talked about this. The 9-11 illness scam that the New York firefighters and police were... Oh, I saw that. I saw that.

Indicted with... Yeah, the guy on the fucking boat with a sailboat, with gold chains on and shit with the middle finger. Of course, there's always a Florida connection. That guy had retired down to Florida with all of the money that he had defrauded from this PTSD scan that like over 100 New York police officers and firefighters had faked, you know, post-9-11 symptoms to collect from this, you know, from the taxpayers from this fund that was set up to help people who were legitimately, you know, traumatized or disabled by 9-11.

But you see like it's everywhere, even things that you think are sacred like that, you know, can be correct because we're only human. You know, that's all that's involved here. not heroes, not superhumans, not, you know, not gods and goddesses. We're just human beings and we fuck up. You know, it's amazing that there's always a fucking scumbag. There's always a fucking scum. No, no, no, no. There's always a scumbag.

Listen, man, I didn't collect Social Security after my mother died. You know why, Billy, because I thought I could rob drug dealers. Okay? And I did it successfully. and I loved it and I got my dick hard and I got to rob cocaine from people and it was fun for while it lasted so I didn't defraud nobody in that sense

I only defrauded myself to be honest to you but there's always a fucking scumbag I've been trying to come up with a joke lately about charities how I fucking hate him since day one since I was a kid I hated him since day one I always thought what happened to the black kid with flies he got millions what happened to that kid did he grow up

a picture or something Now they got commercials. And the whole thing is, you're asking me for money. I ain't no line producer, but I know this commercial, it costs $200,000. Do you understand me? So you're asking for fucking money. And then at the end, you're just robbing because all those charities, they only donate 30% of the fucking proceeds.

They're non-fucking whatever. So they keep 70% for office and fucking salaries and all this shit. And they pay themselves these exuberant fucking charities. When is there not been a charity that has been robbed? I'll tell you who's about to fucking burn and flame. is that fat guy in New Jersey. They're all coming out of the woodwork now. The mayor from Hoboken came out.

He's about to go down because I know how they work politically in New Jersey. If you don't fucking march to the tune of the big guy, they fucking shut you down. This guy created traffic. He's saying he didn't do it. But it's amazing how corruption always comes up. I was thinking about something before we spoke. I was looking at your resume at IMDB,

and you always picked tremendous topics. you're a genius at the things that you investigate from the dog movie about to fire the Kimbo slice to I mean everything you pick even the limelight which I thought nobody even remembered I thought nobody fucking remembered this country with a limelight in that whole scene you know what I like to see

that this country explored a little bit but the four fucking corrupt cops in Miami the river cops where the fuck are they today yeah the Miami River Cops that's a great question in fact I had a I had a, I taught a film producing class for about a year at a college and I had a student who, he actually was a, he is a city of Miami police officer, and he pitched a documentary idea in the class about the, the McDuffie.

You remember the McDuffie riots, that's before, that was 79. That was before the, I'm sorry, it was actually, the riots themselves were 1980, but the incident was in 1979 where they, this group of city of Miami police officers. beat a black insurance salesman to death on his motorcycle, and then they covered it up by making it look like he was in a crash with his motorcycle. They were acquitted, and the city of Miami burned. I mean, you're talking about hundreds of millions of dollars in damages. This was 1980, and there is damage that still exists.

I mean, there is vacant lots in some of these neighborhoods that have never been developed since they were burned down on the riots in 1980. And he wanted to pitch this documentary about it, and where are they today? And I thought about that, how fascinating that is, whether it's, you know, the Rodney King incident or the Miami River cops or these McDuffie cops, what happens to these people who are the focal point of these incredible scandals that, you know, that lead to cities burning down, like, where are they today and what are they up to? And it would be a really interesting examination. The river cops was, I mean, it was literally, I don't even know if it's been

beat out the largest police corruption scandal in the history of America, where you had a hundred plus city of Miami police officers who were found to be essentially running their own cocaine trafficking organization right out of Miami police headquarters. And what was so funny about that is that, are funny, if these things can be funny, I guess in hindsight, is that these weren't cops by and large who became corrupt. You know, they got this power, and they started to get corrupt. These were criminals who had gotten jobs as police officers, because what happened was there was a federal judge who found that the Miami Police Department

demographically did not look like the community that it was enforcing the law in. And there was a consent decree that said, Miami needs to hire more minority police officers, black and specifically Hispanic police officers, because that's what the city looked like. And they did no background checks, and half of them had juvenile police records. I remember reading about this.

Oh, yeah. And the police just turned their head. Who gives a fuck? Well, what happened was, well, they had to comply with this federal consent decree. And in order to do that, they had to continue to reduce the hiring standards because they weren't hiring enough minority officers

and whatever that meant at the time, it started to mean that, yeah, okay, well, we can let it slide that you had a juvenile offense. Okay, we can let it slide that you were a drug user a year ago. Okay, we can let it slide that maybe you didn't piss clean yesterday, but you promise you're clean today. And then the next thing you know, you had virtually an entire class, an entire class of the police academy that wound up dead or in prison

as a result of corruption and cocaine trafficking. And it led to a trial, or a series of trials that was absolutely off the charts insane, where people would show up to the courthouse in the morning, and there would be dead chicken bones and feathers and cauldrons all along the stairs, up to because people were coming out and doing Santeria ceremonies in the middle of the night to help the corrupt police officers beat the rap. and it was just like a classic only in Miami kind of episode. You know, it's funny that I grew up in Santa Ria, you know.

From the time I was five, I was introduced to it. And it was a slow, I fell in love with it. I fell in love with the whole religious aspect. I love Catholicism growing up. I was intrigued by it. I had gone to Catholic school, the nun scared the fuck out of me, so I grew up in it. And when I was seven, bam. Me and my mother became twins, and we did the ceremony.

together. And I was very tight with my godmother. And there was a time when it was just a pure religion. But then in the mid-70s, drug dealers started going to her to read. And they just weren't giving you the general $40 that most schmows paid. They'd be giving you $5,000. When somebody gives you $5,000 to read their future, you say whatever the fuck they want to say. You know what I'm saying? And it just, and it went from becoming this beautiful religion and I even had doubts when they indoctrated my stepfather. This guy was a killer. What type of religion accepts this shit?

And then it became something else. And to this day, I blame a lot of stuff in my early childhood to it and how it went. But that was the thing. These cops were throwing these Santa Ria motherfuckers in Miami thousands of dollars. And these guys were going to blow this powder in the court, and the judge will fucking switch his mind. Are you fucking crazy? It's what I was saying before.

Ultimately, and there's another. other group of people, religious leaders that we put up on pedestals, as if they're above reproach. And again, only human and susceptible to all the corruption and anything that you are, you know, you and I see that kind of money in front of us. We start thinking, okay, which of our values and morals can we compromise to get that? You know, and most people in touch the same way, regardless of what kind of collar they have on, you know, and you're going to go, Chango likes you. He doesn't like the other drug dealer. Your load's going to get through and the other guy is not getting in the room.

It was amazing. Who says Chungo? It was fucking. And my godmother, I tell you in hindsight, I'm 50 years old. I knew her since the time I was five. I love that woman. She took care of me like a son.

I spent my summers with it on the 43rd Street. It's where I learned about life. My mother had me a little sheltered. This woman took me and threw me into Harlem. Spanish Harlem, 1970s. All that shit you see. Bodies on the street. These fucking kids shook down the neighborhood.

There were Puerto Rican kids and Irish, dirty kids, a couple fucking Jews, beautiful combination of kids. And I saw her go bad. And then in 85, I went to see her, and now I saw she was a complete different woman. The drug dealers were gone. The musicians were gone.

And I really got to see the beauty again. And I learned. And I remember she told me that I was going to go to prison. If I kept fucking around with powder, and she told me that I had to do business with three people. And I did both of them. And I always thought about it. She could be in Miami right now.

I don't know where the fuck she is. That's the last time I saw in 85, but I did see the change that after 85, even the drug dealers. But when Fidel, when Noriega got caught, he had Santeria too in his closet. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, I mean, it's a great,

it's a popular Caribbean religion. Yeah, let me give the gods 80,000. I'll get off the smuggle. So you went to Sundance. What happened at Sundance? Talk to me. I did, yeah. We have a rock doc.

I don't know if you've ever seen some of these rock docs on VH1. It's certainly some of their best programming, and they've done stuff on Woodstock. They've done stuff on John Lennon, really incredible documentaries that they've got. And so we had done a rock doc miniseries for VH1. It's called, get this, The Tannning of America, One Nation Under Hip Hop,

and it's a four-hour miniseries. it premieres Monday, February 24th through the 27th. And it's based on a book by a guy named Steve Stout, who used to run the Urban Music Division of Interscope Records. I mean, that's Eminem, Dr. Dre, 50 Cent. And he wrote this book called The Tanning of America, and this is his theory. His theory is that hip-hop culture has done more to advance the cause of civil rights

than anyone or anything since Martin Luther King. and a generation plus of Americans, specifically the millennials, who grew up immersed in hip-hop culture as like the predominant American culture, it canned their mental complexion and made it not only acceptable but cool to vote for the first black president. So he credits hip-hop culture with electing the first black president. So we've got four hours on VH1 to prove that hypothesis, that theory. That is fucking brilliant.

That really is. isn't it? I actually, in the beginning of the podcast, I told Lee that it was Martin Luther King and then the ABA. Julius Irving did more for black people, anybody, in the ABA with the red, white, and blue basketball. A lot of people don't fucking know that.

I truly believe that. In Miami, the ABA team was the Miami Floridians. A lot of people don't remember that I'll drop some knowledge on you bitches right now and shit. Well, it's funny because, you know, VH1, you know, they focus on pop culture and specifically music culture, So we weren't able to get as much of the sports in there as I would have liked. And I said to Steve Stout to the author, I said, we should go and do the Tanning of America Sports Edition over ESPN

because I think you start with Jackie Robinson and you go to Reggie, you know, and you go to Mike Tyson and you go to these black athletes with their power and their swagger and the impression they made. We do cover a little bit of Michael Jordan, for example, in the Tanny of America because of that song. I'll never forget growing up that song. It was a Gatorade commercial. Like, I remember, I want to be like Mike.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was basically a bunch of little white kids singing about how they wanted to be this, you know, this tall, extraordinary black athlete. And that's what Stout would call a tanning moment, you know, a moment where black culture kind of pierces through out of a street, you know, or urban fad or culture and becomes, you know, kind of enters the mainstream. And when you start having commercials on television like that, that in Madison Avenue, dedicating millions and billions of dollars to perpetuating black

and urban and hip hop culture, he calls that a tanning moment, you know, when America's youth and population is being exposed to that culture on different terms and in a different way. And it's a really interesting idea to tell you the truth. No, it's right. I think it took the tanning to the next level. I think that there's been tanning throughout the years, not to a degree. that there was because I think about for me. For me, I came from Cuba.

I lived in Jersey first. When I first remembered of what was going on, we were on Riverside Drive, a nice building with Jewish people on 89th Street. That neighborhood's still white. You understand me? And my mom had a bar in Harlem. And I had no friends.

I don't think I went to pre-K and nothing like that. And one of my first friends is a kid named Jasper Williams. I've never forgotten his name. From time to time, I get an eye and go on Facebook, but I wouldn't even remember what he looked like today. I remember going to his house and watching Soul Train and listening to, you know, black music or Twin Fire. And it was a fucking experience for me.

I know you grew up in Miami, you know, you had the same black experience around you. And I remember that I liked it. You know, I liked all of the whole scene. But for me, it was Julius Irving who fucking just, made me want to jump up and down and have an afro and fucking stab motherfuckers. Well, you know, growing up as a Jewish kid, sometimes, you know, we didn't have to want afros.

We had afros. We had Afroes. Yes. As we called them, whether we liked it or not. But what's funny is that I had that when I started to read this book and we were talking about whether or not to make this documentary of this miniseries, you know, I was a little skeptical. Like, you know, hip-hop elected the president.

You know, I mean, never really has a youth culture. or what started as a youth culture movement ever elected anybody. I mean, the club kids didn't elect anybody, the hippies. I mean, they got behind McGovern and the anti-war movement in a very unpopular war. The government lost like 49 states to Nixon for crying out loud. I mean, so I'm thinking, like, how did this happen? So I'm reading this book, and I thought about, like, you just thought about your life and relationship to this tanning idea.

And I thought, like, okay, I'm a white, middle-class Jewish kid growing up in North Miami Beach, Florida. And what did I consume culturally? Well, my favorite TV shows were Good Times, the Jefferson's, different strokes, the Cosby Show, different world, 227, Amen. I mean, I'm a little white Jewish kid watching Amen for crying out loud. Then you had, I was listening to Run DMC and Beastie Boys. Then I was a kid like JJ Fad. I remember being huge for a minute.

And then, of course, we had two live crew, much to my parents' chagrin. I was listening to Uncle Luke. Then we had two live Jews, which was a parody of those. loose, but I realized, and then I grew up, I'm watching, I'm not watching Saturday Live, I'm watching In Living Color. I'm not watching Johnny Carson, I'm watching our studio, and I realized that, yeah, I, like, grew up canned, like I grew up with black people in my living room, you know, in my household, and, you know, and to that end, we interviewed Norman Lear. He's 91 years old, sharp as a knife.

You know, this is the guy, the old, the white Jewish guy who created the first all-black sitcoms on television, you know, and then we, interview Dr. Dre and we interview, you know, Dr. Dre who helped kind of bring the black experience to white America in terms of what was going on in the only urban centers in the inner city streets and the relationship with the police and what was, and what was happening. And we interview Puff Daddy who people, you know, a lot of people made fun of his voter die initiative back in 2004. But if you look at what it actually did in terms of mobilizing and registering youth voters, that really led the charge before.

before 2008 in terms of getting young people in the hip-hop generation more involved in in politics. It's a really interesting journey. I almost, in the process of making the documentary, had to convince myself of the theory. And I think I think I'm convinced that hip-hop elected the first black president for electing the first black president. It's hilarious that you said two live crew because this is crazy guys. I never realized this until a couple of days ago. When I got out of prison and I had the baby in 87, 80, 89,

I was confused. You know, I didn't know if I was going to do stand-up. It was just a fucking mind fart to me at the time. When I heard, you said it yourself, you like it like I do, put your lips on my dick and suck my asshole too. I remember hearing that. These guys were, they were like, you know, they were like Richard Pryor. Oh, my God.

Like these wonky, boldie comics, you know. Oh, my God. When I heard that I remember listening to it over and over and going, this is what I think constantly. Constantly, when you said it yourself, you like it like I do. All that shit drove me. So, you know, I have always thought how I sit around some times. And, you know, in 2014, I say the N-word to myself.

Look at this. But I know in my heart, I don't have a bit of racism in me because if it wasn't for black, I had so many fucking black heroes. I had so many black heroes growing up from prior to fucking the singer from the Tentations to James Brown, to Julius Irving is my everything. Julius Irving was my everything.

I saw Muhammad Ali and I got overwhelmed with tears. I saw him from 10 feet away. And I can't tell you what it did to me. You know, those are my heroes. The thing about sports and about arts and popular culture is that, you know, our sense of humor and our taste in music, they're colorblind. We don't care what color or color. I mean, I wore down my VHS tape of the best of Eddie Murphy Saturday Night Live,

because I thought he was the funny, you know, and then raw and delirious, you know, with any merri, like, you know, I thought that was the funniest should I ever seen or heard in my life as a kid. And you don't care that the guy's black. You just care that it makes you laugh, that it's funny. Same thing with music. You just care what moves you, you know, like whether it moves you internally, emotionally, or it moves you to dance or to tap your foot. I mean, you don't care that a singer or that a musical artist is what color or nationality they are.

You just know whether you like the media. And the same thing with sports, because if you support a team or you want a team that's a winner, you want the best athletes on that team. And you don't care where they come from or what the color of their skin is. and that's why all of these things, like, really, you know, cultural, Russell Simmons, we interview him, he's like, you change the culture, then you can change the world. And that's what sports does, and that's what music and comedy. I mean, I grew up watching, you know, Mel Brooks and Richard Pryor wrote Blazing Saddles. I mean, that was one of my early exposure to, like, race relations in America was Blazing Saddle.

The Black Cowboy? That teaches you a lot. It's amazing. It really fucking amazing. You're always a savage to have on the show, bro. You're an Enlightenment on a Monday morning. I'm happy to call that. I realize, you know, gummy.

When I think of gummies, I think of the, you know, the treats that you can get there on the West Coast, you know, gummies. And gummies down here all of a sudden are steroids we discovered from the A-Rod. This whole A-Rod story. Can you imagine everything has a Florida connection? You realize that every major scandal, every single thing, that's where you wake up Monday morning,

and I'm always ready to go because I'm like, okay, what shit show is going to befall us or story is going to break in Florida this morning, you know? And of course, we had the gummies, the gummies. You fucking believe. Deroid. It's hilarious. I mean,

I watched it on 60 minutes, and I read a little bit about it, about a month ago online. I was in a hotel. It's fucking amazing. It just is amazing. I'm not mad at the guy. I don't, you know, what am I going to do? Who am I to fucking Judge Ayrod? But for the love of Christ, he was blasting those things.

during the fucking game. You know, addiction and mental addiction works in so many fucking ways. This is a bit of a railroad, though, I think. I mean, I think in terms of fairness, and the man's never failed a drug test, you know, you could say it's because this guy, this Tony Bosch guy,

who, you know, people didn't really get a full picture, I think, from the 60 Minutes interview. Oh, he's a scumback, too. Yeah, this guy's a scumback, too. Don't do, let's listen. So, listen, let's let me tell you, something, okay? I am not a scumbag. I'm a kid that made mistakes. The day I kidnapped Ken Vela, I was involved with scumbags. I'm not doing time because I was a scumbag. I'm doing

time because of who I was involved with. Sometimes it's the group you hang with, bro, that makes you guilty. Whether it's one of the biggest fucking laws that's been established in this country, RICO. This is 1960. They love the RICO. And RICO in real life, there's RICO. We don't know that there's RICO. Sometimes you're... you being on a fucking caselo with a bad agent is fucking Rico. You're up there

with a bunch of fucking debt squad. You know, you're out there with a bunch of fucking idiots and your agents trying to sell you. Rico is included

a lot of things in life. The fact that A. Rob was messing with this guy. He was messing with him for some reason. I think that's a lie. That guy's offered him 50,000.

I think all that's bullshit. We're dealing with a fucking scumbback. You're all, you're right. This is, this is GBA. This is Guilt by Association.

Yes, this is guilt by association. There's no doubt about that. But the truth the matter is is that he's paying him 12 grand a month. What if he's just getting sugar pills? What if he is not getting – he didn't fail a drug test. What if the guy's just given him hope? What if it's the placebo effect? Because remember, this guy had three, four other patients, patients.

He called himself a doctor wore a lab coat. The guy's a schmuck. He went to – he went to medical school in, you know, in Zimbabwe. I don't even know where he went, you know. and so calling himself a doctor and a nutritionist, and how does he know the difference between, you know, midstream P or the beginning of the stream or 15 minutes before a game or five minutes before a game?

It's nonsense because he had three, four other players that did fail drug tests, but Arod didn't, you know, and the baseball, you know, commissioners putting this guy out there as a bastion of truth and the arbiter of all that is of accurate and corroborated evidence. And I think that's a problem. I really do. I mean, if you're going to punish a guy like that and cost him $25 million, I know nobody's got any love loss for A-Rod,

but the truth of the matter is that maybe the guy didn't do anything wrong. Maybe he even thought he was doing something wrong associating with this guy, but they're actually, other than the word of this guy, isn't a lot of evidence for it, and that's, you know, that bothers me a little bit in terms of justice. They're pissed of A-Rod for something that we don't know about. There's something going on here that we don't know. that's what you have to assume

there's a fact here that's fucking missing whether the Yankees don't want to pay him whether he pissed the Yankees off there's something here that we don't know the clouds haven't parted and showed the true color of the sky yet that's the problem here

I felt just like you he hasn't failed the fucking drug test so why are they after this fucking guy there's something more lurking here and it's going to hurt Major League Baseball I think there's something that maybe the baseball guy was

taking a payoff. This is A-Rod. This is A-Rod you're talking about. Listen, I heard stories about the 70s how Montana was snorting dope up there in San Francisco, and they kept saying he was going to back therapy and whatever. Remember when he came back from back surgery after six weeks and he destroyed somebody? Look it up. Now they're saying that was all a bullshit that he was just in a fucking rehab, that the NFL would fucking take him into the witness relocation plan for six weeks. You know, you never fucking know. Look at what they just say about. Look at the book they wrote about the charges that the cocaine guys that they were down there buying kilos

and they lost in Miami that year or they beat Miami that fucking year in 81 or 82 that they stayed down there for a week and snorted that. Who the fuck knows anymore, Billy? But something is going on here. And I think it's something to do with Major League Baseball. I think somewhere there was a breakdown of communication with the

P-Test, something. They know something we don't know, like like Sosa. Well, there was evidence there. There was hard evidence There was scientific evidence there. You know, and that's the thing is that my feeling is what we don't know means that the guy's innocent until he's proven. We can't convict him, you know, in our minds or otherwise because of something that we think we don't see or because of information we don't have yet. If the evidence exists, let's see him.

Then we can convict a guy. What if somebody was pissing from? What if there's a bunch of what ifs that we don't fucking know who was pissing from? Maybe that guy flipped And they're waiting to that to hold on Who the fuck knows with these creepy motherfucker? You know listen What people don't understand this

And I want you to let people know Before an NFL NBA Or a baseball fucking people Sign you and invest $60 million into you They fucking they follow you They have league officials They follow you, they watch you You're an investment brother

You're a fucking investment for that You are, every time you step foot They watch that foot They don't want you on a fucking motorcycle. They don't want you doing nothing. So who the fuck knows what's really going on? Why do the Yankees do this deal? I mean, nobody thought this was a very wise deal for them

for them to do this kind of money on a player at that age. And I don't know that he thought that he was going to play or be able to play as long as they signed him for. You're right about that. But at the same time, sometimes these guys do things impulsively with all this money that they have and don't really think about the consequences. And you were right when you were right. said that the Yankees do not want to pay this guy.

They don't want to pay. And whether or not that that affects this investigation or this situation, that's another, you know, unknown as well. Listen, this motherfucker doesn't play for a season. He comes back at the age of 40, right? Something like that. I don't know all the facts. He comes back, let me tell you something.

At this age, you've got to swing a bat every fucking day to stay sharp at 40 because these killers are going to... Now when he comes back at 40, they're going to really be watching. They're really going to be watching. There's going to be somebody there. He's going to have to pay for his own P test. They're going to come back with something at him like fucking you wouldn't believe. And that means somebody's not going to pay him his fucking money.

Somebody will take a chance. Somebody will pay A Rodman when he's 40. Trust me what I'm telling you. But they're going to be watching him. This is going to rule. I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen with this. He's going to spring training, correct?

He don't give a fuck. Well, he says he's going. I mean, he's got to keep, if he's going to miss a season, he's still got to, like you said, he's got to play every day. He's got to train. He can't hang out and drink coffee in Red Bull for a year. He's got to get it together. He's got to make sure he's conditioned to come back.

Because at the moment, he's basically got a one-season suspension. So that's what he's got to prepare for coming back. And ostensibly, the Yankees have to continue paying him on that contract or trade him away after this or during this year-long suspension. That's where he's at now, but of course he's suing majorly baseball and anybody else to try to get this thing overturned because he said there's no evidence to support it. I want to see a needle. Me? Listen, if I'm the fucking judge in the court, just like you, you're an intelligent fucking guy.

You're sitting up there and you're a judge. You've got to see something. I want to see a tape. I want to fucking hear a conversation. Forget about texts and gommies and whatever the fuck you're saying on the thing. I could be talking about vitamins. Show me the gum. I could be talking about vitamin D12.

I could be talking about light testosterone. I could be talking about a thousand things acupuncture. 12,000 a month don't sound like no fucking big home run to me. So something was going on here. So you know what? Fuck O in Florida, you got to show me a syringe with DNA on it from his fucking ass blood. You got to show me something here. And I'm not, you know, this is just somebody who's done time.

This is somebody who's watched orders of law and all that. I watched two episodes last night. You got to show me something. This is some fucking scumbag that, you know, you could tell I had a bad fucking wig. You know, you could tell everything about him. He's just one of those people that moves to Florida and gets a second chance. Well, this is the other, you know, you know, you know what they say. Los Angeles is the place you go when you want to be somebody.

New York's where you go when you are somebody, and Miami's where you go when you want to be somebody else. So we are home of second and third and fourth and fifth chances. And that's the other thing, too, is that, you know, we saw it in the NCAA investigation of the University of Miami Hurricanes football. program. We saw it in this investigation. You lay down with fleas and you get dirty, and we've got now the U.S. attorney investigating Major League Baseball's investigators, and the fact that they

were investigating the allegation that they knowingly were paying cash out of a slush fund for stolen documents that were stolen out of a car at a tanning salon that had been taken from Tony Bosch's biogenesis lab. I mean, this is just, it's kind of just classic Florida. You know, you come down here and nobody leaves with clean hands. That's how we roll. It's fucking amazing. When's the show air, brother? February 22nd. February 24th through the 27th, new episode every night on VH1. Brother, I love you, and I'm happy you called and good luck with everything that you do.

You're a fucking star, brother. I can't tell you, I saw an advanced screening of Rudge Match, so I hadn't seen any commercials. I hadn't looked at the whole cast list, and I'm sitting there with Megan. You met Megan backstage down here, and she and I, she and I, she and I, she and I, she and I, She started giggling, and I'm like, what? She's like, look, she's pointing, and I'm like, who's that reading at Us Weekly? In the corner of that, I was like, oh, my God. Dude, it made our whole night.

I loved it. You know, I don't fuck around, dog. It wasn't an Academy Award winner, but we did what we had to do, and I was close to one of my idols, you know, one of the guys that got this started in my head. I could watch you read Us Weekly for hours and just laugh my ass off. That would be one of the funniest week. And, by the way, we actually loved the movie. We laughed. We had so much fun.

It doesn't have to be a masterpiece to just, you know, go and have a good time at the movie theater. And it was a joy, and more importantly, a pleasure to see you up there. Thank you, brother. You know, I love you at all my heart. And someday I like to work with you. You're a fucking brilliant man, dog. Thank you, sir. Thank you for having me today.

Thank you, brother. God damn, that was good. I love when he calls it. He always makes me sent to the neckling. I love. What's up, Lysayette, Cocksucker. It's fucking Monday to 20th. Get up, shoot somebody.

Wash your pussy out of respect for black people. Galito, I fucking love you, cocksucker. William Pussy Eat of Jones, I love you too. Vanessa, happy birthday, Sandamai, whatever the fuck, Sondarin, your husband loves you. Greg Powers and the hot Asian chick Lynn and Lavin Ortega. Sergio wants to lick your asshole and poke his nose in it

and do a fucking pigeon. What, Lee? What, Lee? What the fuck? Fuck, Lee, what? No, I had so many questions when he was talking. Well, let's just say none. You're sitting there like a bump on a fucking log. You know what I'm saying? I don't want to, because the story's always better when you guys are talking about. Nah, I want you to get in there.

He's a fucking co-host, cuck. It is crazy. Dog, we live in some fucked up times. Yeah, I think it's all about money with Arodd, because the other guy who, the other guy who they caught with him was Ryan Ron, last year's MVP, who got out of it at first, because he said, oh, the guy didn't treat the P-Test right, so he got out on a technicality. So, but the next biggest name is A-Rod, and he has had two, at least $250 million contracts. I think it's all just, it's all money. It's a fucking nightmare, recently. Yeah.

That's why you stay humble. You mind your business and you stick to what the fuck you know. Hard work. And you know, that's it. It's just hard to believe that. Listen, man, I can't imagine being a baseball player or a football player, being 35, feeling like you're getting older and you still have to perform. You still have to beat $20 million.

Because he's been doing it since like high school. So he's been doing it for like 20 years. You're playing in the biggest media market in the world. or at least the top three where they fucking destroy you. New York isn't right on people. I love New York. I love the city I'm from. But when you're a Tony Soprano or a quarterback in New York or whatever,

they're waiting for you to slip up. They're waiting for you to slip up, you know. So it's tough. I understand. I understand how you have to be the best. But to get involved with fucked up people sometimes, it's all going to end up, you know? I mean, there's better way.

It's going to this and this. And, you know, again, you got to, excuse me, you got to show me the fucking needle. Yeah. And that's why, you know what? Don't do no needles, don't do none. You want testosterone replacing all little things like that to give you a boost.

Go to honit.com. Honn's got some fucking shit that will put you in those fucking levels. How do I know? Because I'm 50 and I'm not huffing and puffing anymore. Especially the fucking, the shroom tech with the mushrooms in it. That shit will get you.

The sport, I promise you, Everybody I give it to everybody I turn it on to that shit says to me, Joey, you know, the alpha brain gave me a headache or the alpha brain made me a killer or whatever. But the fucking shroom tech took it to the next level. The other day, I fucked for 28 minutes. Shit like that. You understand me? And that's what you want to hear, I'll fucking tell you. The fucking hemp force protein.

The chocolate. I've been living off in it again. Not the last three days because I've been a little sick. But that shit with the fucking glutcore in it, they got everything going, 18 grams of protein you can't lose. They have a thing now that just like Dollar Shave Club, those stuff. Send you everything every month on the first, on your schedule for 20% off, plus the 10. Go to honor.com. Go to joey dears.net.

Go to honor. com. Press in the box, church, what are you fucking nuts or what? Get your 10% off. Sign up today. They got some neat stuff at honor. Even if you don't go get a kettlebell, swing it around. They got everything.

They got the fucking, the alpha brain and the stuff, the 180 turnaround. They've got some great things going on honor. I still wouldn't be with them if I didn't think, if I didn't believe in them. Give me a fucking break, all right? It's a new year. You got fucking resolutions. You're going to be healthy. You're going to drink vegan juice.

You're going to fucking clut your toenails. Start with Ony. Go to fucking Joey Dears.net. Go to the Onet Box Press. Church. Church. Are you fucking nuts or what? And get 20% off.

Number two. Dollar Shave Club. Let me tell you something. Today I didn't. No, I did shave today. I fucking love them. You know how many fucking backup brazers I have? How many?

You know, I have like five of them because I don't go to them. They even have a program that if you want them to slow it up. They'll still charge the same, but they slow it up. It's $1, $6 or $9. Nobody gets a bad deal from Dollar Shave Club. Nobody, do you understand me? Whatever budget you have, let's pretend you don't want to do the dollar program

and you don't want to do a $9 program. The $6 fucking program times $72 fucking a year. You've got a fixed rate income on fucking things. You can write it down, you can send it to the text man. What do you spend a year on raises? Bam, $72 thanks to Uncle Joey. Go to Joey Deers.net. Go to the fucking Dollar Shave Club Boxing Press.

Church, you bad motherfuckers! And get your day started, you want to shave your pussy? You want that mint spray for your asshole that'll take care of that. Every day is Christmas in your fucking world. Do you understand me? What's up, Lisa, you add, you bad motherfucker? And speaking of someone you gave honor to, don't we have a friend at your judici who has a tournament coming up?

Zach, my man, Zack Della Roach. She's got a thing. We got him a little fucking jersey. If he wins, he's on the fucking podcast next week. If he loses, I'm throwing him to a cage report. You can get nice. fuck him. Zach from G. Mack, I wish all luck in the world. Him and the Russian Globerchoff for wrestling

in the Gracie Nationals down in there. I think it's Long Beach of Sandy. I don't really know before I talk shit. I think it's Long Beach this weekend, so I want to wish all the competitors someday I wish I could do it, but I'm fucking over the hill who am I going to fucking wrestle with. Well, do they have like a matchist program or whatever? They got a 50 and above, but I'm no fucking master. What am I doing that? Go for it. No, this is unlimited. This is 15-minute rounds. Submission only.

No, Lee. I can do a three minute round. Well, they don't have it by belt. You can't do another white belt? They got it by belt, Lee, but it's fucking submission only 15 fucking minutes. What part of that, don't you understand? 15 minute round. 15 minute fucking rounds, Lee. Are you kidding me?

Maybe not this year, but maybe by the end of the year. I think you can do it. Anthony Robbins, cocksucker? Yeah. They're together, all right? 15 minutes. I breathe I huff and puff for five And that's if I get on top of you

In side control I'm huffing puffing I sweat this bacon fucking oil on you Can you imagine 15 fucking minutes I'd have a heart attack dog I could work for it I love to do something like that

As a personal goal I'd have to definitely go down To 250 240 That would take a lot of the weight off And that would help my breathing And then maybe maybe You know it would have to be No leg locks and nothing like that

It would just have to be In submission only no I could score some points on the motherfucker. I get you in a side control. You get points? Okay. Yeah, and the Gracie Nationals, there's no points.

Okay. It's just submission only. That's it. We go to the fucking death, like Gladiator in 94, whatever fucking year that came out. You understand me? So that's what I'm trying to say to the Lee. I don't know about ha-haz and he.

Something else, too. I want to tell you guys are saying, Joey, what the fuck? No, this is what the fuck's going on, all right? We do a podcast, people get in touch with us. They say, look, eat our stuff or try our stuff right now. We're talking to some people in fucking Nebraska

about doing some fucking the tubs and all that shit. We're talking with my people. The gumies are monos. We're going to get them on board with all the other podcasts. Some people reach out to us and I try their shit and I like it. This week I ate the asaii granola from Nature's Box. Fucking delicious.

Nature's Box is this company, healthy fucking snacks. Nutrition is prepared. They are delicious. And when I say delicious, I specify the asailles granola, the pumpkin seeds, and I stress the fucking the sesame sticks, but the ones that killed me with the cocoa fucking almonds,

which Lee Got Oghats. I didn't get them shit, I eat both fucking bags. Go to fucking Nature's Box. Go to Joey Diaz.net. Go to Nature's Box. On the first order, you get 50% off. If you want to sign up for monthly delivery

or buy monthly delivery, you could on your owner court. Whatever fuck you want to do you want to do. Go to Nature's Box right now. Go to my page. Joey Dears.comnet. Go to Nature's Box. You get 50% off

of the first order right there. So the bags of $20. whatever you get $10. I'll tell you what. You're going to call me and go, Joey. That was the best fucking snack. The other one of that I smoked 50 fucking joints. I was out of apples and I ate the cocoa almonds.

The next day, I did 20 Jumping Jackson. I was back. Yeah, code word Joey. That's right. Code word Joey, you bad motherfuckers. What's going on with me? What's the week look like for you? Just these podcasts.

I have Flying Radio tomorrow. I have Rick tomorrow. Today I have Jerry. And it looks like I'm going to be starting one with Paula. Because we did it on Saturday night. We've got a bunch of great calls. I told you. I think Paul is a home run.

I think that she talks about it. I think that what Paul is doing is one of the toughest things out there is being an attorney. And to be a Latino attorney is even more, you know what I'm saying? Like, Paul is fucking working hard and she's going to be good at it because you could see that. She knew what she was getting herself into. I think it's something that people need to know. It's a good struggle that people should go through together because you give up a piece of your life. You give up your social life.

You have to. For three to four years, there's nothing. Yeah. But you know there's a payday. You got to stand. And with that shit, you miss a night, and you're behind the eight ball. Oh, yeah.

You miss a night, dicking around, and you're done. You learn the fucking hardwood. It's like going out on a Wednesday and snort and blow. Going on a Tuesday and snort and blow, your fucking weakest shot. You can't think that, you know, you didn't sleep, you didn't get no rest.

So I take my fucking heart out to any law students. It was something that I wanted to do early on. But I was a failure, and I fucking got arrested, and I had a drop. And it broke my heart for a long time. But you move on. I'm honest.

and I'm doing a fucking podcast with a little fucking cute Jew on a fucking Monday and Wednesday. Ha ha ha ha. Cuck's a second. I go over and burn you in the eyeball. What's up, dog? Oh my God.

Nothing. That's it. That's it. What? I'm going to Minneapolis. That's what's it. I'm flying out fucking Thursday. I'm excited.

The house to comedy. Rick Bronsonsonson's at the fucking ball. Bloomington, Minneapolis, A.K. I'm going to eat good. I'm going to live good. I'm going to relax. I'm going to go with my fucking script. I'm going to behave.

I'm going to have myself. I come back Sunday. I'm going to take care of myself this week. I don't even think I'm kettlebell in it this week. You're not going to do that? You know what? I don't want to break a sweat. I cannot take a fucking chance today. Why would I want to take a chance like that? You know what? Like I said, I slept a lot, but I still felt how tired I felt this morning, how high. I didn't eat an edible yesterday. I didn't do nothing. Why did I fucking wake up with such a hangover? So it's still inside me. So I'm just going to take it easy. I'm going to ride a little bit today.

They got law and order out all day. Just do that. What's that? They got law and order on all day. Just do that at the hotel. I wish I could. When is this? No, in the hotel, when you're in Minneapolis. What's law and order? What old day? What are you talking about? What do you mean what I'm talking about relaxing in Minneapolis? Oh, I thought you said a law and order.

Yeah, watching Law & Order. I don't think it's on. It's always on. How do you fucking... It's on every channel. There's the criminal intent, which I like. The sex one gets too intense. The sex one gets too intense.

The sex one gets too intense. I like the... W.E., that channel, We, on 260-something. Yeah. They've been playing law and orders. Bad-ass ones from the beginning. So that's pretty impressive. IFC is fucking.

and impressing the shit out of me with their stuff. And it's amazing. A lot of stuff is going on these lines. I spoke to Ray Canella, by the way. Oh, I love Ray. We Facebooked each other back and forth. You know, that podcast was very interesting because it made me look at Hulu Plus differently.

It made me look at what all these channels are becoming now. Hulu Plus, we're still working with them too, and that's a fabulous fucking deal. For your people, didn't sign up for Hulu Plus. I don't know what the fuck you're waiting on. I really don't. I want to reach my hand to the computer and just poking the fucking eyeball. Because two weeks for free and $7.99 a month, I don't even know what to tell you.

You're fucking embarrassing me at this point again. Go to fucking Joey D-D-I-N-N-N-N-N-E-N-K. Go to Hulu Plus. You're going to see a box there, pressing the code. Joey. Joey, J-O-E-Y. You get two weeks on the arm. Get to investigate it.

See what's on there. Documentaries, movies, TV shows, original programming. Just to speak of a few shit they got on there. You go on there for two weeks. You see if it's worth your while. They keep getting new stuff. They keep getting new episodes. Why are you sitting there looking at me for?

Go to the fucking Joey Dears.com. Look at tour dates. The shirts are coming soon. The geepatchers are coming soon. We got a bunch of shit. Crackleacking in 2014. You eat your pussy with asthma tour is on full effect this week. Next week we're at the fucking ice house maybe on Wednesday.

I do not know. I'll find out today for sure. I'll let everybody know on fucking Wednesday. Look, man. It's Martin Luther King Week or Martin Luther King Day or whatever the fuck it is. I don't know. What you believe. Give him a week.

Whatever the fuck. Give him the week. He deserves a week. He deserves the week. He's a bad black mofoe and shit from Kentucky and whatever the fuck he's from. What time is? I don't even give a fuck what time is. I'm having a good time.

I'm having a good time. I'm having a fucking great time with you cock suckers today. I'm going to go home with the baby's going to be on fire. It's going to be a good day. You know what? Today I got up and I was a little feeling fucked up. I drank some green tea and I didn't feel like drinking a protein shake for breakfast. So I had a half of American.

cheese on wheat bread with mustard just to put some in my stomach because I had no appetite. And as the morning kept going more and more, I thought about calling you for like a split second and saying, you know what, I'm just going to rest. Yeah. And I thought about everybody who stayed home today and people that are

getting their day. So I go, who the fuck am I to take the day off? What the fuck is wrong with me? I got up. I listened to some fucking music and I was fired up. I did two hits off the fucking pipe. I watched my fucking pussy. And I walked out the door and it was still dark. But it was so, fucking beautiful out and I was so happy

to be fucking alive to be feeling better I know how bad I felt this weekend there was one point I thought he was having a heart attack this side was hurting I was barfing up I was barfing fucking with everything green tea red tea purple tea tea tea tea every fucking tea and you know man we're fucking lucky to be

doing this league we're lucky that I'm talking to you people I'm lucky that I get to meet you guys this is becoming an adventure from me it's not even going out to work anymore for me it's going out to see who the fuck you people I tweet with and who listen to the podcast. So I appreciate everything you do. I appreciate you guys keeping the album in the top ten.

You can't eat pussy with asthma on iTunes and motherfucking payloads, just like that because I don't want to hear it from you, motherfuckers. Joey, we don't like doing business on iTunes. They're a bunch of fucking Jew killers. I don't give a fuck, all right? You fucking get the iTunes and go to payloads. I'm just telling you this today.

Because it's a fucking Monday, and I want you to start the week off in a positive fucking direction. That's all I'm trying to state any motherfuckers. Look at Lee. He's looking good. He's got the Bronchitis. week we'll call Jeremy and see if you can start giving you an evaluation. You could do some jumping jack for them. I know how you

park. You can shadow boxing. Let me see you shadow box and you don't even wiggle for Joey no more. You don't give me hugs. You don't let me rub your head. That's why New England didn't win because you don't let me rub your little fucking Jew dog. You always go for it. I never let you do it. You just always, you get me high and then you go from behind and you... You scratch your little

fucking cabesa for good luck, cocks, sucker. Oh, shit. Anyway, get out there. Be yourself. Who gives a fuck about these motherfuckers? Unless they're paying your bills, they get all suck your dick. You got to go and make what's fucking coming at you. And that's it.

Plain and simple. It's Monday, January 20th. Go out there. They ain't elected nobody for president today. You're the motherfucking president because I said so. Have a great day. Stay black. Smoke some ref or do some jumping jacks.

And tell the motherfucker next to you love them. That's it. I'm out. Now that other shows you over. That's right. Don't forget to sign up for your free trial with Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on that.

of hit shows anytime anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcasting and an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com or go to joey-d-d-s.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And don't forget to sign up for Dollar Shaveclub.com. You'll get high-quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollar-shave club.com slash church or go to joey-d-d-s.net and click on the dollar-shave. Don't forget.

Club bainer. Now that the show's over Also remember to go to Naturebox.com NatureBox, 50% off And get great tasting, healthy snacks for 50% off Snacks from a snack. Coco almonds

Oh yeah, all the almonds. Sesame seed sticks, tremendous. Snacks and martyr in the new year with healthy and delicious treats like French toast granola Support this podcast and get 50% off of your first order. Go to naturebox.com and use promo code Joey

That's naturebox.com promo code Joey. Don't fuck around. It's Monday. Oh shit. But I swear you, but I swear it.