The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #147 - The Church Of What's Happening Now

Episode Date: February 3, 2014

Bert Kreischer joins Joey and Lee. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Escapepodtank.com Mention Joey or the Church and get $250 off. Recorded live on 02/03/2014.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere, on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus. When you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey, that's Huluplus.com slash Joey. And also by Dollar Shave Club.com. Get high-quality razors sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now, go to Dollar Shave Club.com slash church. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash church.

or just go to Joey Diaz.net and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. And for the very first time, we would like to welcome escapodtank.com. You get $250 off when you mention to the church of what's happening now, and they'll send a brand new tank right to your house. Are you kidding me or what? Oh, shit. Oh, shit, it's fucking right. Fuck the Broncos.

Fuck the Seahawks. Fuck everybody. Fuck who gives a fuck about wasting time in your mind. It's Monday, February, fucking third. Loob's birthday. Oh, happy birthday, Loob's. My main man in the fucking world. Are you kidding me?

Listen to Eddie Van Halen fucking... I don't know what kind of tape you got here today, but the sound is off. You got to equalize this shit, but you kill him. You too. What? At the crazies out my block. The same, oh shit.

Hey, hey, Peyton Manning, what happened? Who gives a fuck? Fuck. Did you eat some pussy? That's the most important thing. Did you get some pubic hair stuck in your teeth over the weekend? If you didn't, who gives a fuck about Peyton Manning? Oh, Richard Chairman broke this, who gives a fuck? Get it together. I'm aggravated.

People with their fucking Super Bowl. Gives a fuck. Do you watch it? What's fucking ten minutes of it? Yeah, I missed the third quarter, and then when I got home by the fourth quarter, I just turned it off. I felt really bad for, you know, the Republicans jumping up and down, Peyton Manning. They were all, you know, 40-year-olds were at home throwing a fucking boss with tires to shooting testosterone. I felt bad for the people trying to get home last night.

Do you see that picture? I think Rogan re-tweeted it on the station. Fuck them. On the station. Fuck them. If you're that fucking stupid, you deserve to sit out there waiting for the fucking train. They're still waiting there. They got snowstorms.

Oh, my God. New York is shut down, brother. Is it really? North Bergen. I've seen it this morning in tweets and shit. The schools are closed. Oh, thank you. They got hit with a fucking tremendous snowstorm last night.

I don't know how many inches they got or whatever. But I saw it this morning on Facebook that they got hit. You know, guys, let me tell you something. Since the time I was 20, I would end up in functions like that. Yeah. And I asked myself, what the fuck am I doing here? I swear to God, like me, like, it was like this big, it's like when I book an acting gig.

My whole deal is to book the fucking gig Once I get the call to shoot it I'm like really It's lost its fun by then Yeah I just want to book the fucking job You know what I'm saying You know in those days

I just wanted to prove I get tickets for $15 Yeah That was it people come to me I pay $32 you're a fucking moron Watch this Bam Bam And 15 and then you're sitting up fucking front

But then you get there You go to yourself What the fuck that was Twice I went to Super Bowls Oh you went? Oh wow I went to two times. I went to maybe 91 in Florida.

Okay. And it was fucking boring to me. Were the tickets that crazy or it wasn't? I didn't pay for them. I didn't pay from them. They took us, we worked out of office. And then in 2005, with the longest yard, I went down an abandoned ship on Friday. I just could not fucking deal with it.

I couldn't deal with all those people walking around. You know, like I said, I fucking can't stay in Lucky Luce. With me, you've got to pull the fucking trigger. If I see you walk around with a cup of coffee, that coffee's cold. I'll fucking stab you. Drink the fucking coffee and get on with your goddamn life. But it's Monday, February 3rd.

I hope you had a great fucking weekend. I hope it was safe. I hope everybody relaxed. You know, the UFC was great on Saturday night. There's been fights on there. Fucking vicious knockout of Jamie Varner. But the real news on the fucking table today, that it doesn't affect us.

It doesn't even affect me. but it just makes me think. Things happen sometimes, and your mind opens up, and you opened up, and it's this Philip Seymour Hoffman. Here's a guy that's 46 fucking years old, and he dies when he's on the needle is on. Now, you know what, he's not the first, and he won't be the fucking last.

But for a guy like me, for a guy like Georgie, Georgie, who's a great, as soon as I read that, I think of George. I thought of George until I had to pick up the phone call I go dog I saw the phillips scene one hopperman thing and he goes what and I go they found him with her and I go you know George that could have been you yeah it could have been my friend George fuck Joe Diaz I'm talking about my buddy who was on heroin full fucking time you know needles blood on the wall blood on his fucking walls yeah you show me in the room in the document like the ceiling I remember that I fucking remember that like how like this is your best friend what would you do if you got up on Sunday morning I was washing dishes and my door was a little open and you looked in the room for me. Just looked in the room and you saw piles of socks with blood on him and the walls with blood on. What would you think?

I mean, how can you keep shooting? You drink a few beers, you smoke a joint. Yeah. Now you're at a point that there's blood squirting on your fucking walls. Is it still worth, a normal human being would go, what the fuck is this? I mean, the first person I thought about was you I mean, you haven't had a problem for a while But it's just

And it's weird because It's because he's such a good actor That people are so upset And it seemed out of character Because I didn't really know about it Apparently he had a pretty long issue with his thing Was the pills What happened was he was sober for a long time

He went back on the pills Which guys, I'll tell you what Man Joey Diaz, mad flavor Fat fuck Big Tony Mikey Whatever the fuck you want to call had the worst cocaine problem ever

and I dabbled in pills and there was something about those fucking pills I didn't like you know I OD when I was fucking 17 or 18 no something I never ever ever talk about at Joe Lucci's fucking party this kid that had parties in my neighborhood all the time I thought it was the pills he stole from the janitor no no that was the different thing that's when I made people OD

but it's fucked up that I never talk about that how I went to this party and in those days I used to be so fired up about getting high because I was 17 my mom was dead maybe a year and a half the pain was rampant throughout my body like a fucking cancer

you know when you have that type of pain running through your body it's like a cancer your whole body's in pain and I guess I was so excited to go to Joe Lucci's party like I was so excited

because Joe Lucci was an offspring in Oakburg and there was 64th Street field and they were deep into fucking drugs and booze in early age. They went to music. They partied heavy. So for you to get invited

to a Joe Lucci party, you were a real fucking deal. Seriously, you were the real fucking deal. And I remember going there and I did a Kualoo or something and I ate some pills and I fucking started doing Coke. And sometimes,

it's hard to describe unless you do Coke. You know, if you're drinking and if you're high, you do a couple lines of coke and you straighten up. Okay. It brings you back to speed

or whatever it fucks it brings you back. It was too late. The quailudes and the booze had overpowered me and I just passed out. And they didn't call the ambulance. You know, they were pretty smart

to know that I had just passed out. And at this point, I had been doing this a lot. And then I would get sick in my puke and my sleep. This is why I don't drink people. It's not that I don't drink because I'm better than nobody. Oh, it was the alcohol? It was the alcohol mixed with the pills,

which is always fucking horrible. And then towards the end, And I remember that I didn't do pills for a few years after that. I got into Valiums in 84. I would go into Washington Square Park and buy Valiums. In those days, they would say, 8, 10 milligram Valiums for $10. That's how cheap there would be. That's fucking ridiculous.

That's like a dollar a piece or something, a dollar and a quarter. A little bit, yeah. Maybe a piece. And so I never really got into the pills and stuff like that. The Coke was my thing, but do you know how lucky I am to be here talking to you? You have an idea. Like, I tell people, like, when I was in Minneapolis last week, I was talking to the owner of the club, and we were talking about addiction, which you gave me a really good idea.

He says, you really have to write a book about this. And it's really true because I do get a lot of emails. 60% of emails I get are about addiction, man, about people living like Philip Seymour Hoffman. They're to the point now where they think nobody knows, like I did. Nobody knows. Nobody, you're by yourself. You're at a different level of your addiction. You don't even enjoy it yourself no more.

You just have to do it because you have to do it. You don't even enjoy it yourself. I'm telling you right now. It's not enjoyable. It takes over you. It's in your spine. So it takes over your thoughts. You know,

so you really can't focus on what you have going on. So, you know, people like Philip Seymour Hoffman, they figure out a way to do a little taste, just to do a little taste, just to be at a normal level all day. You know? And then when they get home

is when they blast off a real thing. and they pass out and they drooled and they you know which I never understood either with that one it looks tremendous when you see somebody on heroin drooling and fucking sleeping on themselves and cigarettes burning on their shirt and shit yeah you know but I mean my heart goes out to them but I'm very we all know you know you know especially a lot of the church listeners we have issues man now the youth is taking them all by pills you know there's a whole network of people that do heroin that are right in front of you leave that you don't even know oh yeah I'm sure

There's a whole mess of people that do meth, and they're right in front of them. They don't smoke it, so their teeth aren't rotten yet. They know how to keep it together under the limit. They know how to do two lines and keep it together Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday at work. It's very scary. It's a very scary thing when you have an addiction. And I can't sit here and tell you to go to a fucking rehab.

I'm not going to do that because I didn't go to a fucking rehab. Who the fucking mind to tell you to go to rehab? Yeah. You sit by yourself and you get a notebook. And when you're high, You write and you look at that notebook the next morning to see what you wrote and wrote right what the fuck is bothering you You know like I didn't know for years what was really bothering me till I got off the blow I thought it was one thing throughout the whole addiction. I was blaming one thing

But it was a combination of things that fed into another one when I started you know the last Batch I went through and I explained on the Rogan podcast Was how you can't grow with that luggage on your back so you got to redeem that shit How do you redeem it is to write it the fuck out. Write it out, write your fucking conclusion and let it go and move on with your life. That's it. That's all you could do

at times with different situations. You just write it out. And especially when you're high. When you're on that level, when you're pilled up or juiced up or whatever fuck it is that you do, write it out and you'll see what's bothering you and then get another fucking notebook and let's figure out how this is not going to bother

you no more. And you'll see that your life improves. It really does improve on its own because you'll lose luggage. You're losing weight without dieting. You're losing weight. You're losing you know, for a while there I weighed 900 pounds. Seriously, I weighed 400.

But for the most part, I weighed 900 fucking pounds because I had my sister's luggage going around. I had my mother's luggage going around. I had the luggage. I was angry at the kids I grew up with. I was angry at my stepfather. I was angry at life of dealing me a shitty deck

of fucking cards. You just get mad at all. all these things. Okay, you can't walk around mad. That's what, that's why you're addicted. You can't walk around fucking mad. You got to get yourself medicate. So now you got to figure out why to fuck yourself medicate. And sometimes it's like, well, because this girl dumped me in the fucking eighth grade. We think it's that, but it's really something completely different. So it's very interesting. Do you think, and I just don't know because I, a lot, like, the only ever think about when this happens is thank God that I never got addicted to that stuff. but do you think you're

the exception to the rule by not going to rehab or do you think more people could do it that way? Because it just seems scared to me just by doing everyone all they ever say is you can't do it alone and you have to do it. Here's the scary thing about life that we all know the answers to our own questions. We just don't want to face those answers.

Do you follow them saying to you? Oh yeah, of course. We all know what will make our life right. But we all beat around the bush. You know, we all sit there. I'm one of those people that sit there at night And I watch Law & Order. Why scroll through the channels?

You and I both know if you're up after 11, they attack the weight loss industry. And they attack it with pills and milkshakes. And for a while, you start thinking about it. Like, if you're a normal human being at the house, you're like, well, I work 60 hours a week. I don't really have time to work out. Okay?

That pill sounds okay. Yeah. And they get you for four payments of 4498. And after three weeks, you got diarrhea, and you've gained eight fucking pounds. And in the back of your mind, you know. that, you know what, I got to push myself away from the table

and do fucking jumping jacks. Yeah. You know, that's how you lose weight. You know, with me with the addiction, I was fucking miserable the last five years, six years. I was just doing it because. I was just doing it because it was going through the motions. Would you get, like, depressed when he would buy it?

Oh, fuck, I was depressed all the fucking time and angry. I was fucking 20 times angry what I am now. I was depressed. I wasn't making progress in my life I wasn't making progress in my relationship I wasn't making progress in no direction I was beating around the fucking edges and you know

booking movies but the real problem wasn't taking care of I kept throwing sand over the real fucking problem you know and yeah I was the exception to the rule because I didn't have fucking time to go away for six to eight weeks I didn't have fucking time who's got fucking time

go away for six weeks now I come back with a stigma now everybody knows I went to fucking rehabs everybody handles me with rubber fucking gloves and I lose people no matter what people say it's a fucking weakness for a person to go to a fucking rehab

at least it is in my world you know what I'm saying I don't even know if I'm saying it the right way but it's like in our world here yeah people there's two there's two ends to the rehab thing there's a very interesting soprano episode when the kid says he doesn't drink anymore

and now he can't socialize so it cost him that's the problem with all that stuff that your life changes sometimes so it doesn't let you grow to the fullest I was very scared but if I didn't do coke anymore I wasn't going to be funny

I wasn't going to be crazy anymore that was part of my addiction but I really believed that if I didn't do it anymore I wouldn't be fun I wouldn't be funny up there you know that was I had all these little fun

fucking hangups. And then I realized all that shit don't matter. My health is what matters. Yeah, exactly. That's why, and I don't want to just disagree with you, but I, like, if someone I knew went to rehab, I wouldn't think it was a weakness at all. What fucking rehabs do people go to? Until they get healthy. But you don't see what I'm saying to you. In the back of my mind, if I'm your comrade, if I'm your com, right now, you don't know, you never experienced drugs, but the little fucking weed we fuck around with. I'm talking about being up with three days.

Yeah. When you're at work all day editing and you're thinking about it. Now you have a girl that'll suck your dick while you're on it, which is even better. And you eat her pussy, and you have to pay for it, but who gives her fuck? She's going to suck you. These addictions run throughout your head. So, right now, Lee, you're a very nice guy.

And you and I are scholars or whatever the fuck we call ourselves colleagues. Okay. But in the back of my mind, you're going to sit on the couch one night and go, I can't believe this happened to Joey. Like, what the fuck happened? So in a way, not really, but in a way, you're going to look at that as a weakness. It's a weakness.

When you do drugs at any level, I smoke pot today. You think I'm happy that I smoke? You see me with a fucking ponytail with a picture of a marshal on my fucking shirt? No, because I smoke pot because I'm insecure. I don't smoke pot because of medical marijuana because I'm fucking the cool kid on the block or whatever. I smoke pot because I'm an insecure fucking jerk off.

When I started tweeting in the morning, I'm hitting that fucking pot. That's why I get my balls from to write this shit from, in a way. In a way, and I'm not being facetious here. Oh, no, I understand why you're saying the drug use is a weakness. I mean, it is a fucking weakness. What the fuck are you kidding? I'm not being cool.

So, yeah, but I didn't want people to say, like, let's say someone addicted out there wants to go to rehab. And it's not the people who go eight times. It's his first time. Going to rehab isn't an additional weakness. Like, he's not going to think, oh, Joey Diaz is going to hate me because I'm going to rehab. No, no, no, no, no, no. I want you to go to a fucking rehab because whether it works or not, it slows you down. Okay.

Because I get in a DUI, it slows you down. All I want you to do is to be slowed down a little bit to get a piece of your mind back. Yeah. I realize what the fuck have I been doing? I've been fucking Arab chicks up the ass. I don't do that shit. I've been putting hummus on my ball sack and letting some chicks with a dot on the head suck it. Don't knock until you try it.

No, I know, I know, I know. But you understand me that that's the, that's the, I want people to go to a rehab. to get slowed down because when you get slowed down it gives you a chance to think about it and then you have a decision to make and then you'll go you know what okay I fucked up I'm just gonna do blow on Friday and Saturday I'm not gonna stop and I'd rather you do that then go to rehab hang out with a bunch of fucking people with tattoos that say AA on it give people hugs but meanwhile you live in miserable inside and I'll tell you what that works for a while if you right and if you work the steps,

you learn to adjust to be happy with that. I could look you in the eye, I could look at my wife in the eye, and I could look mercy in the fucking eye, and I know one thing that I'd never done before, because by listening, when people talk to me about drugs,

without looking at their face, just by their voice, I know they're lying to me or not, because I was there. I had the same voice. I know what your voice turns into when you tell them that cocaine. I don't even like it, Lee. When I go out, I don't look for blow if somebody has it

I'll do a liner too I have a friend in Jersey every time I talk to I love it dearly but it's the same story because she'll put on her Facebook that she's hung over and she was out till 7

I know she was doing powder I know the people she runs with North Bergen I don't give a fuck but I don't like those people I don't like that excuse so what flowed you down what slowed you down

was it was Maryland do you think or like what it was different level The first thing that slowed me down was prison. Okay. That was six months, seven, eight months that I was in lockdown that I couldn't even look at cocaine. What I did when I got out of it, I snorted blow. Again, those were eight months that I just lied to myself.

I was a 25-year-old kid. Oh, yeah, when I got out of here, I'm never doing blow. Never going to do it again. I was out maybe three hours before I was looking for a fucking package. You understand me? It was already. And this is after getting sentenced. This is after hurting the people I love that I didn't give a fuck about.

And at the end of the day, I didn't give a fuck about these people because I committed this crime right under their fucking nose. I didn't care for these fucking people. You tell yourself, oh, I love them. I don't love them. I love cocaine. I love drugs. I love what the fuck I'm doing at the time. So that slowed me down.

And then comedy slowed me down a little bit, but it didn't. It didn't. When I lived in Seattle, I was snort and blow four nights a week. Then I moved to L.A. And once I got gone with that first Taco Bell commercial, I didn't stop. I was on a fucking tear. And it got worse and worse and worse and worse. And I would take three or four days off

and think about what I had to do. I still had a plan. I was still making strides of my career. Whatever. You know? And it really wasn't until Maryland slowed me down. My tooth turning black slowed me down. If you watch my name is Earl when I'm singing the song,

Bad Boys, Bad Boys. Yeah. Look at my mouth. My tooth is black. If you know me, you're like, look at Joey. The Philip Seymour. You fucking blackened this tooth to be enacted. To be in jail.

No, that was a real fucking cavity. That was about to bark my fucking tooth. Jesus. That slowed me down. That embarrassment around having a front tooth, I would be shocked. I couldn't deal with it. I can never deal with it in my fucking head.

So, and then the thing that got me the most was, Terry. somewhere in my addiction I wasn't selfish anymore that's when I knew that I was going the right direction when I started thinking about what if what if what was my turning point in my life if you really think about what my turning point was what the hardest point my life was

was when I touched my mother's neck to see if she was alive at 15 years old yeah you have no idea what that bend over how eerie that bend over was You know, I just watched the season finale of Sons Anarchy again when he finds Tara dead on the floor. And he looks in and you know, in your mind, you say, I hope not.

I hope she's not dead. In your mind, that's the first time your mind will play tricks on you when you see somebody on the floor. And you're just hoping that they passed out. You're hoping. You're just fucking hoping. And you look up in the sky and you go, Jesus, please, just let them slip and bang their head.

and you have to go over there and kneel down and touch them. You have no idea. At that moment, that changed my life forever. That made me look behind the curtain of life. That was horrible. And I didn't want my wife to have to find me on the floor. I didn't want. And at that time, she wasn't even my fucking wife.

At the time when I went clean, I had been with Terry six years, six or seven years. This time I was like, you know what? I'm looking at this poor girl with her blue eyes and her upbringing and her life. And does she deserve to pick me up on there on the floor? If my arm is green or purple, does she fucking really deserve this? For the first time, I really, even when I got locked up, that was what really made me realize I never wanted to be in jail.

Yeah, the food. Yeah, you know, people are yelling. I could do it in the back of my head going to prison. What I didn't like? is when Lee has to come visit me to look on Lee's face he doesn't have to say nothing he's happy we're happy

while we're there talking but on your face it's a look of disappointment and shock you can handle it but the people who love you don't need to put them through this and at the end of the week that's the most important thing when we're addicted to shit we hurt the fucking people we love the closest

you know we steal from them we borrow from them never pay them we fucking you know tell them we're gonna be somewhere and we're not there you know we just and then you have to think about uh how is that person going to be at my funeral you have to ask yourself if that's what it takes to fucking get you clean you have to ask yourself what is it going to do to this guy at my funeral what is it going to do with my mother what is it going to do with my grandmother what's going to do with my friends what is it going to do if they find me on the floor yeah he'll go like balushi who wants to die like fucking balushi

at 30 fucking years old Nobody wants to die from that shit Can you imagine? No. Floating the fuck up to heaven or hell Or wherever the fuck they take you, Jewville Or wherever the fuck they take you We do have a better heaven.

Yeah, and wherever the fuck they take you Knowing that your life ended Over a fucking needle, Over a line of fucking blow. Can you fucking imagine that With all the people I knew That carried guns, my life ended With a line of blow

In an apartment in fucking Hollywood? I'm going out like some young dumb fucking actor in fucking Hollywood or some young dumb fucking musician. I'm 40-something years old. That's what I thought about late. And that's what you really have to think about. I think that was a turning point in my addiction right there where I was like, okay, we got to figure something to fuck out.

So at that point, I said, fuck it, I'm going to slow down a little bit. I'm not going to go out and get that second gram. And then West, and then Maryland, then the Maryland conversation really put an end to it because then I knew it was something more Maryland was just a conduit for a message

you know I had this the other day Terry and the baby were in my bedroom our bedroom and I was in a computer I was playing with the baby I was watching yo gabba gab on the computer

you know with her she likes coming in sometime and just sitting on my lap and her and I want Terry does whatever the fuck she does and I looked up Up at the fucking billboard. I have like this chalkboard, you know,

with pictures of my high school friends and different notes. And I have a note in that from a girl, her father that I was best friends with the father. The father is still one of my brothers. We were on the phone on a Saturday. I told you about this. And he goes, I need your address because my daughter wants this. He goes, hold on. And he gave her the phone and she goes, hi, Uncle Joey.

I want to, I want to. I want to send you something in the mail. You know, she had just graduated high school. And it was like an invite to perform or something like that. I don't know what the fuck it really was. And she asked me for my address. And then the weekend went by, and that Tuesday afternoon I heard from a friend of mine in Colorado,

she goes, have you heard from Joe? And I go, no, why? I heard from him last week. And he goes, his daughter died in a car accident. So she sent me a card that sadly. She put it in the mail and hours later was when she died in the car accident. I got the letter that day. I got the card that day.

I never opened it. It took me about a year to open it, but I didn't throw it away either. And I hung it on my board under her picture. You know, I have a certain side of the wall for people who were gone, Rago, and my mom, and just kids I grew up with that I loved, I never forgot about. And I looked at that thing, and I looked at it as a message. That was a message. She sent me a fucking message before she died.

you know, what the message was, I have no fucking idea, you know. But you have to, I don't even know how to explain this shit. Were you still doing Coke or when was this? Yeah, no, it was probably, no, I think I had just gotten off to Coke. I think it was 2009 when she died or something, because I did a movie after that, and they both came on the set, the mother and the father, and we talked, and I spoke to her about it and stuff. So I still have that card on the wall, stapled, or thumbtack.

And I thought about that card. I was a message, you know, at something, and I didn't look at that time. I'm just really happy I got over my addiction. And if you're on it, like I said, I answered three or four emails last night. Two of them were about pills. One of them was about heroin. And the other one was about meth last night. And the heroin guy was beautiful because it's exactly that last.

level his wife he was married he had two fucking kids he said he was coming home at night and doing a blast to maintain and then Friday Saturdays and Sundays he just goes off once they go to sleep praise to God his wife doesn't wake up in the middle of the night she thinks he's right you know and he doesn't know what his next step is well that's kind of the great thing about this now because I was thinking when you were saying it like some people might think they don't have anybody that would be disappointed. But the great thing about

this is we've met so many people that, like we were talking earlier how great of a guy a water boxer is. Yeah. If anything, God forbid,

happen to water boxer, thousands of people would be pissed off and sad. And so now, like, if you're thinking about this, like, oh,

I don't, like, no one would care if I passed away. Yeah, there'd be people on, like, I would notice if people on Twitter

went away and, like, I noticed when people come and go from Twitter. Yeah. Because you're there so much. You know, I know there some people

fucking coming, go from Twitter, but people do get, man. People reflect on your death and go, Jesus fucking Christ, what the fuck happened? What the fuck happened to that person, you know? Listen, man, I accept any death. I accept this morning when I leave here, I can be crossing the street. Some guy looks down on his phone, runs a red light and hits me with his fucking car. I accept any death.

That happens, bro. You know, that happens. You're going to die cancer or something. you know, blood pressure, heart attack, that happens in life. But a fucking drug overdose, especially when you're young, because, and you don't know why you're doing it, I didn't know what the fuck to what I would have known. If I would have done a line and started getting dizzy

and then went to sleep and then never woke the fuck up because that's all it is. You close your eyes and go to sleep and you never wake to fuck up. You have a cardiac arrest. I know people have done blowing, died in their sleep. I have a friend of mine who went to Miami in the early 80s Got some blow Went home, went to sleep and died in his fucking sleep

From an aneurysm, right? That's what you call those? When the vein blows up in your fucking head? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you kidding me? So, my heart goes out to Phillips Seymour Hoffman's family He had three kids and a wife. Oh, he did?

Yeah, yeah, man. This is, uh... It's fucking sad. Listen, man, you got a problem or something? Go take care of it today. Just handle it. today. Done. Today. Take a ride. I don't care if you got to get a hotel room and blast off one last time

and think about how you're going to handle it. But get rid of it. You know what, man? If I have one fucking regret, and for years I've been on the fence about it, like, you know what, man, I don't know if I regret doing blow. It was an adventure. It opened up a different door for me, but it opened up fucking 20 bad doors for me too. You know what? Fuck it. Get off the shit. Pills, whatever, get off the shit. We need to get high, get a fucking cocktail in you, smoke a job. join when you get home. Don't drink on fucking drive and that's it. That's fucking it. That's Monday's epilogue. Where's the music dog? Where's Tony fucking Bennett?

Where's Tony been out of respect for the fucking spirits that look over me? Motherfuckers. It's Monday, February 3rd. Happy birthday, Jackie. as I What's up, Doug? I don't really know what to say it. I feel like we should end it and come back in two minutes and do a jockey one.

That was an intense 45 minutes. Life is fucking intense. You know what I'm saying? I don't even want to give you a fucking blowjob idea here that it's all bells and whistles. That people who go through the life thinking it's bells and whistles

and they get hit in the head and they realize life is bad. No, no, no, no. Life has always been bad. You just thought it was bells and fucking whistles. I want you to look at the bad part of it and say, this is not for me. You want to fucking get stone drink.

Drink or your dick suck. But once you're dealing to the blow, you're going to lose. Gambling, you're going to fucking lose eventually. All that shit, all that shit, all those corners you cut, my friends, it all comes back to haunt you. I'm 50. If I could have done it on again, I would have joined the service. I would have got a big fucking machine gun.

I would have shot people. and by now would have been fucking retired getting three, four grand a month with medals on my chest like a fucking doctor. Oh, God. And the people are looking at me going, Joey, what the fuck are you talking about? I'm serious.

That's what I'm talking about. But I'm here. I'm doing stand-up and I'm satisfied with what I got in the pieces and the people I have in my life. And that's what Mondays are about. Sundays you reflect. You see how lucky you are.

And Monday, you scratch your fucking nuts. You sniff your fingers and you go, fuck it. somebody's sucking my balls today you know what I'm saying fuck at least I yeah I love this marijuana today it's Monday I love him

we've got a kettlebell class I'm gonna throw some balls around today bam we got a meeting of one I got Di Agostino hopefully we're gonna find an office today it's fucking steps people I'm gonna order the shirts tomorrow

we got the fucking designs I ordered the patches for the fucking geese I'm on fire leave I'm on fire like a fucking Jew I'm fired you know what I'm saying And fuck it. We're getting thrown out of here anyway. Oh, yeah, fuck.

Fuck these fucking Russian. I was your weekend, buddy. I had an amazing weekend. What'd you do this weekend? It was the stupidest thing. I mean, just hearing you talk about Terry, on Saturday, Paul and I, we had dinner, and we went to Petcoe to look at dogs and cats. Like, that was our big Saturday. I've seen the picture of the kittens.

Yeah, we went to Petco because that's where, like, the dog place I got the dog before was at. And I had to let them not moving. I held a couple puppies. So this place you're moving today, except dogs? Yeah. And you're going to go for a dog. What type of a dog again? Look, I need a small, it has to be a small one.

I like a Shih Tzu. They had this little Chihuahua weiner dog mix there a couple days ago. That was just adorable and fell asleep in my arms. But I think that's a big, I think that's a next step for what I need. I think I need a dog. But it was just, it was crazy how our big Saturday night was we went to Petco. We got a little dinner. And that was it.

That was. Went to go for dinner. Went to islands. Right, there's a corner of Ventura here. Yeah, it's just a burger place. What kind of burger did you get? I just get the basic one. So you went to burgers on Saturday, and we went to Ardy Martin's Friday, and you got a fucking hamburger.

So I went to... Should I stab you now? Should I tell the people? I got it because it was noon. Okay. Thankfully, we got a call, but I'll explain it. The fuck, cock sucker. What's happening, beautiful?

What's happening, my brother? How you doing, man? Fucking Lysayette, the flying Jew. Goes to Arty Land. with me on Friday and gets a fucking cheeseburger. It was noon. I didn't think I don't give a fuck if it's noon. Listen, when you go to Audi Morton, I don't care if it's six in the morning.

You got a 15 ounce and mashed potatoes and the fucking cocktails and clams on a halve-show. That's how Burke Christ you would do it. Fuck the body what. It got a cheeseburger. It was a nice one. Everyone was talking about sandwiches. It was noon on a Friday. I thought we were all going

to get small things. You, Joey and his wife got a nice steak, a little salad. I was like, it was a new. You got a nice steak. Protein, little insalata, you know what I'm saying? Jesus Christ. Bert Christ, if you went to Audi Lans late in the morning, what would you get? You'd open up with a fucking bloody mary, a steak, and a fucking lowenbrow, like a fucking, like a Hungarian.

Leannis, this is the reality of my life. Leanne's interrupting me as I talk to you going, are you talking to Joey? Tell him I have a box of baby books I want to get for him. Okay, tell him. No, no, we had a nice time. Thank you for having us so for the Super Bowl massacre. last night, the fucking chicken and the sausages and the

baked fucking meatloaf. I didn't shit it out, so it was good meatloaf. He made a good meatloaf, that guy. Yeah, I ate like a lunatic, and then I got very drunk and got a massage. How was the massage? It was good. It was really good. It was aggressive, man. My back, like, I guess

I'm sleeping wrong on the back of my side. Either that or I got kidney stones. But I passed out in the middle of the massage, and she didn't have wake me up to get me to roll over. Oh, that's what the massage is all about then. Oh, yeah. I'm so shocked you up this early, Joey.

I don't know, no, no. It's Monday. You're supposed to get it up early. But let me tell you some of that meat your buddy made. Tell Lee what was in it. Lee loves this shit. He puts, he takes like, he makes a meatloaf, I think. And then he puts bacon in the center of it with cheese in the center of it, with barbecue sauce and maples and brown sugar,

then wraps the meatloaf over the bacon, and then covers the meatloaf in bacon, and covers that in brown sugar, and in barbecue sauce. It was out of this world. You put that on white bread? Jesus fucking Christ, you just sit there,

eat naked. You eat that shit naked. Because you grow as you eat it, understand me? You grow as you fucking eat it. Delicious. We just sit in a kid time ago, have you tried the meatloaf,

or the bacon explosion? Joey's like, that was that. I was like, it's the first thing in there, try it. It goes back, he's like, oh, my God. Fucking delicious. The chicken you made was delicious. The little pieces of meat were delicious. The chocolate cake that somebody brought,

they took a little tip before Ila ate it. It was fucking delicious. It was a great barbecue. I didn't know what I was going to do for the soup bowl. I don't fucking know. Ari called me, wanted me to go to the comedy store. They were going to grill outside, like papillon. You know what I'm saying?

I didn't want to fucking... That's a good fucking... a movie. I don't know when the last time you watched Pappy on was, Burt Crash. It's a long one. Fucking Steve McQueen and fucking Dustin Hoffman, they steal it. They steal it. They kill it. What's going on? Tell me something good, brother.

It was a fun time, man. I'm glad you came. Everyone, it's funny, too, because you're one of those people that, like, it was literally, like, two, it was my buddy John Moore and another family, John and Claire. And you're one of those people that as soon as I said you're coming, my buddy Lorenzo found out

and he drove over. He's like, so he's going to be there? Oh, there's going to be a blast. I know, we had a good time. I like your buddies. I like the guy that just is opening up to the yoga studio.

He's a good guy. We were talking about the fucking church over here that my wife goes to this church and she goes there because the daycare is sensational. Jewish kids go to the fucking Christian daycare. That's how good this is. They come up from Orange County

to go right down the corner there. So the church is close to us. I was thinking about, I was thinking about, I was thinking about, I was thinking about, converting when we first had Georgia because the Jewish the Jewish schools are amazing over in Hollywood, amazing

Yeah, I'm thinking about converting full time, everybody's a fucking Jew at the end. I mean, it's not fun living out here if you ain't Jewish. If you're a Jew in Hollywood, that's fun. I'd put a big Yamika. You know what the BMW is? The San Signia? I take that off and put a

fucking star of David instead, and on my windshield. Forget about it. I'd be a fucking flaming Jew. You know there's flaming fags? I'd be a flaming fucking Jew. Fuck flaming fags. That'd be a flaming fucking Jew. That's a non-tundra.

Whatever the fuck, you call it. You can't say that, but it's true. If you're going to be a Jew, be a flaming fucking Jew in Hollywood. Fuck them all. Anyway, when I was sitting there yesterday in your man cave, I saw something very interesting that I, you know, Bert, for me, it's the next chapter

of this career. And you've got a book out. and it comes out May 25th you said May 27th which is Labor Day weekend it's a good weekend to release a book people can buy the book but for us

you know when an author writes a book he sits down and he writes the fucking book in his room his wife comes in every six months and says you gotta come out for daylight you know whatever and he finishes I read Stephen King on writing and you know he writes out a book in 12 days but he puts a thousand words down

And that's great. But when you're a comic, you know how hard it is to write a fucking book? Because your train of thought is constant. Not to mention, you've got a thousand distractions. You know, you've got to get on stage. You've got to write jokes. In our case, we have wives and children and commitments and television and meetings and this and this. So what you did by writing a book in my world is fucking tremendous, per Christa.

Oh, thanks, Joey. Yeah, it was, man, it was like, I got the deal thinking, you know, I remember going to pitch it, and they were like, so you really think you can write a book? And in my head, I was like, yeah, because I knew all these other comics that had written books. Like all these other comics that had bestsellers, except for Jim Norton. Jim Norton, the only dude they told me that wrote his book. Everyone else just had a ghostwriter come into their house for a weekend. They told a bunch of stories, and the ghost writer wrote it. I was like, I mean, dudes that I was friends with were saying, oh, yeah, yeah, I wrote a book.

they never wrote the book. And man, it was literally the toughest thing I've ever, the toughest thing I've ever had to, because you already get the money, you've got to finish it. I literally, I remember I told you, I was like, get that dragon dictate. That dragon dictates, it's like a thing you can speak into, except you've got to be sober when you do it. And that's not when I write. I do not write sober. So I was literally, I, halfway through, I was like, I made a mistake. I should have never gotten a book deal. I should give them back the money. But man, I'm so glad I'm done. I'm so glad I did it because, you know, it's one of those huge things where you just look at it and you're like, it's like losing weight, you know?

I'm just, I'm glad it's over. I'm glad I did it. I'm proud of it. And hopefully, just hopefully people will buy it. That's the next step is then now you've got to go whore yourself out, you know, like starting like in like April, I'll be like doing everything. I'll just be like this doing soft shoes. Like, hey, guys, buy my book. Buy my book.

I was talking about last night. It's amazing the power of the internet. The internet's so much more powerful than what standard, like, media outlets are these days. What would you pay? What would they charge you to run a commercial

for your fucking book during, uh, during, uh, Mike and Molly? Oh, dude, you'd never make that money back.

You'd never make that money. What would they charge you? So now you have that option. Or you have the option. I have a friend that works in cable TV in New York State. and he goes, Joey, if I was you, I call a local cable station and find out the rates,

you'd be surprised on how cheap it is, and you can advertise your comedy gigs, and that's one way, and that's great. But how many people really watch TV, how many people really watch commercials, how many people really are DVR, the true word getter, everybody has a fucking computer somewhere now.

Yeah. Even if it's on their fucking phone. Even if it's on their fucking phone. I remember hearing that when I was, I was a young comic. I was in the Tampa Improv for a weekend, and there was someone pitching me to get my comedy videos on cell phones.

And I was like, in my head, I was like, what a dumb idea. I was like, you're telling me, I'm not going to watch the TV, and I'm going to watch my phone. Dude, I just watched all the Super Bowl ads, like 10 minutes ago, on my phone. I don't think I watched any on the TV last night.

I watched them all on my phone. You're right, Joey. It doesn't, there's the only thing that is consistent is you will be looking at that thing in your hand once a day. The internet is so much more powerful than if you take out, say, $1,200 worth of ads on Comedy Central in local in Syracuse or in Omaha. And you do, and you put like ads of your Cagioi Diaz is coming to Syracuse. February 15th, 16th, 16th and 17th. People, I think they're numb to that, you know? But if you talk about it on your podcast and tweet it,

all of a sudden that's super active. And people are like, they're like, oh, my God. And then they have the ability to re-advertise your advertising. Listen, from a marketing standpoint, from a marketing standpoint, let's pretend you hired me to call people and tell them about Burke Reich's book. And I made 100 calls from 5 to 7 o'clock at night. And I made 100 calls from 11 to 1. we would mark to see how many people would talk to me

and you'd be surprised how many people would talk to me on the clock and how many people won't talk to me on the clock are you following what I'm saying to you so if you're sitting in an office and I call you the chances are you're going to talk to me because you're on the clock how can I help you listen I'm selling this fucking book it'll make your cock get bigger in seven days you know and they'll listen to even the pitch before they hang up on you

At least at home, they'll just go not interested and hang up on you. You know, when we were in school, what you didn't realize was that we went to school from 815 to 3. Your parents work till 5. Your mom gets home at 5 and she puts you in bed at 10. In reality, you're around teachers a lot more than you're around your parents. The point of the story is people are around their computer a lot more than they're around their TV unless they're unemployed pieces of shit. Yeah. Do you think, you know, you understand what I'm saying?

So if you're around that work, let's say you're a shipping dude, right? In between shipments, you're going to click into the line. You're going to check your Facebook and you're going to check your Twitter and you're going to check Google News or Yahoo News or whatever fucking news trend you follow. And people do that all fucking day. What about the IT people? They're on the computer from 9 to fucking 6 or 9 to 5. When Lee was editing, Lee, you could edit while listening to a podcast, correct? Yeah, that's all going into it.

Yeah. All day all night. All fucking day, all night. So the T, they have more access to the computer now than they have access on television. Think about that. That's the truth, Berk, Crescia. Yeah, I was getting my feet, I was getting my feet, X-rayed by the orthopedist, and the X-ray technician had his Bluetooth in his ear and was listening to a podcast through his Bluetooth.

And I was like, and I could hear it. And he's just some young kid, I go, what are you listening to? And he literally was caught. He goes, oh, no, no, nothing. I'm just, it was my phone. I'm sorry. And I was like, no, no, no, what were you listening to? And he's like, I'm listening to Colt Cabana.

I was like, really? He's like, yeah, it's a podcast. And I go, no, I know who it is. It's a wrestling podcast. And I go, really? He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I listen to a podcast while I work. I don't really have to do much. He's got to take pictures.

So I was like, shut up, man. That is insane. But that's the outreach of these of the podcast. And you're right. You're totally right when you say that, Joey, is that people in front of their computers much more than they are in front of that TV. Much more. And even when you're in front of the TV, you always have your phone. If you have to watch commercials, if you're not DVRing it, when the commercials come on, your phone comes out. Yeah, you're right.

I sit and watch TV with my phone and my iPad, and I literally, if the show isn't catching my attention, I'm on site, I'm on Twitter, I'm on, Facebook, you're right. You're totally right. I think the next move, even for myself. I was going to talk to Leah about this this week because he produces a lot of this shit we do, is I was thinking of even doing a web series. That's it. Yeah? Doing a seven-minute fucking web series

once a week, 10-minute, you know, going to coffee at Marie. Tea, fucking the weeds, something, something with a few cameras, because it's the way to go. Listen, man. Well, it's interesting the way you've kind of dealt with dealt with the internet

so a lot of people have gone out of their way to make what they'd call a conservative web presence I was talking about this last night I have mentioned it to you you have simply

integrated the web and people that are fans of yours into your life like you were getting up every morning at 5 in the morning doing bong hits listening to music and rolling phone calls

to the East Coast. That was what you did. Now you've incorporated it into a podcast and your Twitter feed. Remember, I'll tell you this last night. I wake up and I go, God man,

you're one of the few people where I feel like your Twitter feed is an extension of your personality genuinely, you know? Well, you have to be. Why would I go on here and say shit that, oh, it's a blessed day. I ain't fucking no blessed day.

You're going to get up and you're going to fucking, you know, you're going to giggle and you're going to have a fucked up day, but you're going to keep your balls mine and where the fuck you're from and go out there and sling some dick and if you play your cards right you might even get your dick sucked at a bus stop something to give you a hope you got to give you a fucking day hope i used to give my day hope you got to give you a day some hope that today might be the fucking day you might bump into a grandma blow on the sidewalk by

mistake right there a big coke writer columbian federal expresses you were right something good's gonna happen that's what gets you remember remember when you were fucking going to camp in june 28 summer, from fucking April on you on your best behavior because you didn't want nothing to fuck up that. That was hope. The same thing for your fucking day. You got to give you a day hope. Hopefully by 8 o'clock I'll be on all

fours and some chick will be eating in my ass from behind licking my ball sack while I'm reading fucking Shakespeare. That's success. You know what I'm saying? I love the analogy. Like right before you went to camp and you're on your best behavior, you don't want to fuck it up.

Yeah, you're on your best fucking behavior. You don't want to fuck nothing up. You got hope. Once you have hope, hope is everything. Hope is fucking everything. So if you wake up in the morning, you're feeling humpty-dumpty about your day, you got no weed, you got $3 for breakfast, and you read on your Twitter, grab your

cock, cock, cuck, sucker, we're going deep today. Sure, you're going to go, Joey knows where I'm coming from. You wash your pussy, and you eat what you got, and you go out there, and you front of breakfast, and you stab somebody, and you fucking make the date complete. But Christ, that's what it's all about, man.

When are you going to write your book? That's what I'm waiting for. If I tell you something, yesterday I went to Marie E.T. And I sat there for three hours, and I outlined, I really want to write three books. I know that I'm 50. I know that I don't have much time left. And the one book that I'm in the process of,

that I'm stuck on one chapter, is the night that, a week before my mother died, we had a conversation. She was pissed at me and she hit me. And she told me that, you know, I'm sorry about lifting my hand here, blah, blah, blah, blah, but all I want you to do is to grow up and be a man.

And I didn't know what the fuck she was talking about. But after she died, I realized what she was talking about. So I'm trying to write like an autobiography of stories of what made me become a man. Do you know what I'm saying? What stories in my life help me clarify that statement? And it's fucking hard. You know, it's hard. I'm up to like chapter four.

I've written four chapters, believe it or not. But I got to rewrite them. And then I want to write another book about addictions. I was telling Lee. about the 26 years of drug use that I had just fucking down and dirty, you know? And not like a nostalgic look at it. Just to let people know, man, how ugly it really was,

how disgusting and dirty it really was, how disgusted I am when I think about it. I was telling the guy from Minneapolis that one night me and my buddy from North Carolina had four ounces of blow in a hotel room. And for some reason, we looked out the window and we saw a dog. We thought it was a dog.

So we dumped the four ounces in the toilet. And we sat around the toilet, the rest of the night, licking purple spots and yellow spots and around the toilet. Just putting your finger on it. Because the coke melted on the side of the wall. And then we realized the next day that dog was a fire hydrant. That's how fucked up we were on the blow. We were hallucinating.

That fucking dog was a fire hydrant. You know, that's a disgusting. disgusting, stupid fucking story. And then I want to write a letter to a book to my daughter, letters from your father type deal about her expectations and what I expect

and, you know, just stories to clarify life for her, you know. You look at your daughters, I mean, you have two daughters, and you look at them, and you look at what they want, what you want them to be. You know, you know what strengths they need for them to tell a motherfucker. You know what? Go fuck yourself.

Have you watched the family? The movie, The Family? You know, I was that with De Niro? Yeah, I got stuck on the plane watching. It's one of the worst movies you ever watch in your life. But the little girl, his daughter in the movie, is bad ass. They take it to the beach. These kids take it to the beach, and the one guy touches her bra.

And she smiles, and she goes to the car, and she gets a tennis racket. And she beats the fuck out of this kid unmercifully. And you look at that scene, and you go, that's my daughter. Because if my daughter doesn't do that, that other kids are going to fuck with it. Listen, you only fucked with a girl after one of your buddies got away fucking with her. Did you call a girl name?

So I just want to prepare my daughter to be the best woman she could be, you know, not to get impressed with tattoos and the little fucking hats with the feathers in them and to say the word amazing and fabulous and not to be able to kiss other people twice on the cheek and all that fake shit. I want my daughter to work from strength.

I want it to be a woman. I wanted to be a woman at 12. I wanted to be able to tell men to go fuck themselves Go fuck your mother up the ass Because think about it Right or wrong We won't fuck with women You want your daughter to be a fucking savage

I want my daughter to stab a motherfucker I want guys to know that they will get stabbed in the fucking neck If they mess with my daughter And I want you know I'm saying You want her to be a woman And you want her to be smart But you look at these, how many girls do you look at every dangle Look at this fucking dumb whore

Look at this fucking dummy sucking this fucking this fucking far in a dick you know what I'm saying look at this fucking dummy what she's doing to a house by doing this dumb shit you know

and that's what you look at your daughters and you know I have a friend that has two daughters this kid was never a fuck-up he was a part of you when I was growing up and I went home like two years ago and I met his daughters and I was blown the fuck away and this was way before I even thought of having kids I called them up and I said

how did you do it and he said, I did it the old-fashioned way. I paid my dues with my girls. I was there for them. I watched them like a fucking hawk. I answered all their questions, and I let them know who the Captain Kirk of the Enterprise was. One got a scholarship to Rutgers,

and the other one got a scholarship to Yale, and they're both beautiful, and they're both very respectful, and one doesn't drink, and the other one believes in Christ. But you know what? Think about your kids. Remember when you went to your reunion?

Remember all the cool kids? Where the fuck are they today on Facebook? They're overweight, they got missing teeth, they're divorced eight times. Remember all the geeks? They got their lives together. I want my daughter to be a fucking geek, okay? I don't want it to be part of the cool kids because at the end of the day, the cool kids are a bunch of fucking losers anyway.

Where are they today? Go on Facebook. Where are those hot chicks? Fat and a motherfucker, divorce, three kids, three different fathers, one's got kinky hair. Get the fuck out of here. Anyway, I'm sorry.

So those are my... ideas for my books that I started writing. Something for my wife. Something for my daughter in case I die tomorrow, you know? I'm going to be, I'll tell you what, it's going to be an interesting book to read. What's going to be more interesting is watching your daughter grow up. I'm telling you that's going to be a fun kid to watch grow up. You know, I'm still confused on how to do it, but I know the truth is one,

and love is the other one, and honesty is the most important thing. And tell them how you feel. I think, I think. I don't know, Bert Kreis. I never wrote a book on Being a Farrcher. I'm just I mean, just from hanging out with you guys about saying you're doing a great job.

I mean, it's, I think, I was saying to Leanne, I want to have a baby now just so I can go through grade school with you and Terry and Mercy, you know, just to watch you go through all the parenting stuff, like drop off and pace meetings, and that's going to be fantastic.

It's really crazy how I go to your house and your older daughter is very conservative. but the younger one we got home last night my wife said to me I love Ila I don't fuck around Ila is not fuck around and you once told me you go you worry about Ila but I tell you what I want my daughter to be because I know Ila's got killer potential I will hit a motherfucker in the head with a two by four and you got to respect that a little girl I respect that in a little girl when I see a little girl go hey do me a favor go fuck yourself at first you're like hey watch your language

but then you're like thank fucking God you told that little fucking kid to go fuck himself you know what I'm saying like that I made her sell me the cookies last night and she worked it she worked it she was she was so excited I sold I sold cookies to Joey I was like I know oh yeah I made this sell them to me get the thing what are you know just she broke it down what they had I made I asked her about the calories to fuck with her a little bit she gave me some weird answer She was hitting me up for money for soldiers. I'm going to take out of the dentist.

All right, so when is the book coming out? How long did it take you to write it? What happened? Talk to me. The book comes out May 27th. The deal was supposed to be nine months. That's how long they wanted me to write it. It took like two years. Because I go through, I wrote like some really great stories that I thought were what the book was.

One of the things that these publishers do is they literally sit and they kind of, they know what they want the book to be from a marketing standpoint before you even write it. So, like, he told me, he was like, my guy, you need, he was like, just write everything down, and then I'll go through it. And so what I do is I'd write down stories that were, like, they were, like, five pages long. Then I'd write, like, the machine stories in there. That's the story that sold the book. But that's, like, 15 pages long.

But I'd write, like, a five-page story, and then I was like, I don't know what we can do with this. And then he'd look at it and you'd be like, you know what? We can plug this into the story where, you know, you're in your buddy Eddie, went into that town or the time you dated that girl with cerebral palsy. And so he'd take these shorter stories and make them either a sides or bigger part or smaller parts of a bigger story. So I went to and I wrote everything. And then I wrote like some really great stories like about this time that I got, I got, I got, I was used as an example of basketball camp by Ralph Samson of what, how not to be. and I thought it was a great story

but he's like, no, it's not this book. And then I wrote the story of when I got you know, fired from Barnes Noble for working out in the basement of my underwear and he's like, why I thought this book? And I was like, really? Yeah, yeah, this book's about partying.

So literally the book is from beginning to end. It's just, it's partying stories about having a good time, getting caught up in a moment. It is, you know, it's so funny. I had a meeting with some guy and he was like, you know, he was talking about the Tracy Morgan

story. The first time I heard that, he was like, that story could never happen to that guy. And it was the guy that was telling it at the time. And he said, now that I've heard the machine story, he goes, as soon as I heard the machine story, I was like, yeah, that Tracy Morgan story happened to Bert, because that's how Bert gets caught up in things. So I think that's the book, is all these kind of outrageous, partying, fun nights that end in chaos and and misinterpretations. But yeah, it took twice, if not three times longer to write the book than I thought.

I thought I bang it out, man, I'm telling you. I was like, and I don't say this how loud. If it wasn't for Leanne, I would have never been able to write it. I said, I just dumped it on paper, send it over to her. She'd take a look at it, and she'd be like, this makes absolutely no sense. And then send it back to be, like, marked up and highlighted, like, what? She's like, did your uncle pee on account?

And I'm like, yeah, yeah, you didn't get that? He's like, no, I have no idea what you're fucking saying. So, yeah, Leanne will fix it. And then I'd write it to the editor. He'd send it back. And then after he sent it back, I'd go through it with his notes addressed. And then he'd be like, okay, we're done with it. But I didn't realize we're not really done with it.

That a year later, we have to revisit it and rewrite it and punt it up. It was, it was, I'll tell you, man, it's, it's, it's, the only thing I can compare it to it was losing weight. it's like you don't the process is difficult and and tough but once you're done you're like thank god i did it you know what i mean it's uh it's tough it's been tough for me i had to go on the web page and sign up and you know sometimes some weeks i put a sentence in there a day and some weeks i put a paragraph and then you realize this has nothing to do with what the fuck i'm writing this is nothing it's all it's all part of the process it's all part of the process and that's what they

say too, they're like, you know what? Doesn't matter. Just sit down and write a thousand words. Just write a thousand words every day. And they're like, and trust me, Dan and I might you'll have a book. You'll find what you gravitate towards. And it's true. I just sit down. I wrote on planes a lot. I wrote like flying

to Australia. I was like, I can either keep drinking and try to pass out or I can just deal with my anxiety and write. And so I just got lost in writing. I wrote the on a flight to what's what I wrote about, and Whitney Houston and Georgia breaking her teeth and now I have broke her teeth.

Jesus Christ, we're a teeth fucking breaking family. But, yeah, it was, it's fun, man. I'm glad it's over, you know? Like, that's all he gets to say. For me, man, it's going to be the next chapter. Because eventually I'm going to cut my road time in half, you know. Yeah. It'll be 50-something.

I can't go on the fucking road. I mean, I can, but I'm going to be raising the kids. and I think that the author thing definitely works. I'll still keep fucking around online and telling these people to wash their pussy, but I like that. I really like, and I like what your goal is.

You want to get to the New York Times bestselling. We're going to help you, bro. We're going to be here for you. That's it. And we're going to sell this fucking book. So where do people go to buy it, Bert? That's the thing. You go to burt, burt, burt.com,

and you can buy it, pre-order the book. And here's the thing that is like, it's part of the thing that I don't think people completely understand about the book selling process. So you get a deal to buy a book, and then you write the book, and then based on your pre-orders, that determines if Barnes & Noble puts it in the store, if Target puts it in the store, and if they do, how many they put in the store. So literally, I'll give you exact numbers only because this is what was told to me, literally if you get like 5,000 pre-orders, you become a New York Times bestselling author. And so my goal,

my goal, look, I don't even need anyone to read the book. You can buy it and light it off fire. Oh, my care.

I just want to be a, I was telling you last night, I just want to be a New York Times back telling author. So, so, and,

and, but it's the truth is that if, it's, if anyone other than, you know, what, what,

what, what, collectively is, you know, the fan base of people that are into the kind of comedy we do, if we want to share it with other people, people that would,

are not familiar with us, the only way to do, that is through pre-orders, pre-orders determine how many get put in Barnes & Noble and Target and whatnot. So the pre-order is so important. So if you've ever cared about me in your entire life, just please pre-order this post. Go to burk, burk, burke, burke.com.

We're doing pre-order giveaways. We haven't announced it yet. For all the people with pre-order, we're going to do some sort of raffle. We'll take all the pre-orders, and we'll pull, like, 10 names out, and people will get, like, prizes and special, you know, special things will be sent.

I think we're going to do anything. inserts into all the pre-orders of like a signed thank you card so go to burke burt burt burke dot com you can choose you can find a link you can choose to order it through barns and noble books a million amazon dot com but yeah please please please please pre-order this book it would i'm gonna pre-order it and then like the fucking thing on fire on video with you at you one of your house parties and shit and we'll burn the fucking thank you card on fire too so you leave Oh, God. Next week, you're where?

Next week, I'm in Omaha. Oh, shit. Hang on one second. Let me say goodbye to Isla. She's taking off to the dentist. Go ahead. Give her a hug. Hang on.

Island Grace. Running out my robe in the front yard. The grass is freezing. Fuck it. Hang on one second. My neighbors need to see you. Cork. Have a good time of the dentist.

Okay? I love you. Four, four, four. All right. One last look at the choppers. I love them. Have fun, guys. Yep, we're Senator to the dentist.

her teeth fixed today, and this weekend is a wrap. Who has fun at the fucking dentist office, but? You know what I'm saying? It's not like going to Disneyland. You just fucking tortured her right there. Have fun at the dentist office. That poor kid, they're going to give her a needle. She's going to be yelling and fucking screaming.

And you're smart. You don't go down there, because I'll knock the fucking dentist out. That's why I don't go to the dentist with my wife or the doctor. Fuck that. They give her a needle. She gets red in the face. I get pissed. I get fucking outstabbed that fucking.

I'll stab that fucking doctor with the syringe 18 times. That's why I don't go down there. Fucking Burke Christi with a book. I love it, Burke. And Bert, when's the documentary come out or the movie? The documentary, we're trying to negotiate some sort of distribution now. So anywhere from like, it'll probably come out before the book.

Okay. So the book is May 27th. You can pre-order on burke, burke, burt, burt.com. Right? Yep. That's perfect. Thank you. We don't want to confuse nobody. Go to burt, burt, burt.com, pre-order the fucking book on the arm today.

You know, don't wait until you get the tax return. Just do it today, and we'll get this over. We'll move on with our fucking lives. And that's it, Bert, boy. Who's better than fucking you? I had a great time yesterday, man. Thank you for having a deal. I'm in town all week.

Let's get coffee before I take off for them all. All right, I'll be around tomorrow. I'll be over there to this afternoon, so I'll be over there with Lee this afternoon. So if you're not doing that, swing by, brother. I love you. Thank you for having us. I love you too. Thank you for introductions to your family.

I appreciate you having me all, man. Thank you. You know, I love you guys. Bert, Bert, Bert, Bert.com. Get it together, cock suckers. See you, Joey. See you, buddy. Bye.

And that's how we do it, motherfuckers on a Monday afternoon. We talk about addiction. We talk about Bert, burt, burt, burt.com and fucking books. And what the thing is, we talk about fucking Lee. Do you see that picture of his daughter with the teeth?

Oh, you saw her in the daughter with the teeth. Yeah. Oh, my God. It's fucking scary as shit. Josh Hill in Grand Rapids. I love you. Dmitrius Cacos, Joe Ando, Abel Brinnell, Chris Garnett, Mark Fortune, World of Rock Records, Paco and Perciato, I love you, Cucksuckuckers. Don't forget, February 22nd,

enchanted evening with Joey Diaz at the Ice House, the documentary is still on fucking payloads, the CD is still on fucking iTunes and payloads, you can't eat pussy with asthma. And also, Tenth Planet this month is free. go in there say the word death quad you get yourself a free fucking membership speaking of which Lee mentioned it and I want to mention it up front we have a podcast

we have a voice this is fucking great that we do this you know we're going to stretch we have the movie podcast now we have the nerd podcast now Steve Simone's working with us we're going to talk to Josh Wolfe we're getting an office we weren't looking at office the idea we're doing this

because we believe in entertainment we believe where the internet's going at the same time we have corporate sponsors and I love that they chime in and they help us out to help pay for the office to help pay Lee you know Lee's not working now this covers Lee so what we're trying to do now next is Lee's idea was that uh we have a lot of local businesses okay and they need help like Wednesday we're going to shout out those gumy sermons they have a vapor pen they're trying to get out and this week is cannabis week here in la in san bernadino so we want so that's a That's what we're doing.

As part of somebody hit us up, and I looked them up, and it's a good company. You know, Joe Rogan always talks about flotation tanks and how much he writes in them. I just didn't think that I would fit in one, so I never really got involved with flotation tanks. And I get anxiety, especially if I get high and jump on those things. But I read up on these guys, and it's escapodtank.com. Escapepodtank.com. They have like three or four different models, all custom made, fucking beautiful. They have all the specifications, the gallons of water, what you need.

Go on escapodtank.com. The guy's name is Jeremy. He was fucking great to talk to easygoing. You know, I called them up and I said, you know, let's do this. One thing I don't like to do with people is mentor. Okay, if you go to escapodd.com and you order a tank, you get $250 off and mention the church of what's happening. with Joey Dias or Lisa yet. That's great.

But on top of that, he was telling me his competitors, you save anywhere from 3 to 4 grand on all the fucking models. So if you're thinking about a flotation tank or you want to read about one or start the process, please go to escapodtank.com, read up on the thing. You know, he'll deliver him to you.

If you want him to come out and install them, it'll cost you a little extra. He said that most people know exactly what they do and they build the platform themselves, if that's what you call it. I mean, these guys are helpful. but the most important thing is you save dough. You save dough.

You save dough. And that's what I try to do for you here. I know not everybody that listens to the podcast is rolling with money and spending 20s and lighten strippers' pussies on fire. I know that we all have interest and we all have budgets. This is something that you should look into. Go to EscapePodtank.com. $250 off if you mention this.

It's not even that. You're going to save money even if you don't mention this. The $250, maybe you fly them out, and blow shotguns in his face. or whatever. There's an 800 number on there. You call Jeremy Director if you have any fucking questions. Or go to Escapodank.com and see what they got to offer. Again, if you go to Huluplus.com online, you get one week for free. If you go to your uncle Joey Diaz, you get two weeks for free to get to check out all their fucking shows. And trust me, every week they're adding shows on that. Every fucking week. This is the way of the future.

Sign up now and get a jump on everybody else. Huluplus.com. Then after that, it's $7.99. month you cannot lose 799 a month that's eight dollars a fucking month for weeks of entertainment it's two dollars a fucking week go to hulu plus dot com today number three on it always on top of that game you look at me you go joey you're fucking 50 and you're jumping up and down you go to kettlebells I don't do this because I'm naturally whatever I'm a fat fuck I do this from the helper on it from the hemp protein shake to the fucking shroom tech to the alpha brain to kettlebells to fucking ropes. If you want to train

and you want to get healthy, go to Anit.com, go to Joey Diaz.net.net. And then they're on it, box, you press. Church. C-H. You are C-H. Boom, you get 20% off. They got a raffle going. A sweepstake. Go to Onet.com. Go to sweepstakes. You go see Ronnie Lawler

fighting fucking Dallas on the 28th of March or whatever the fucking date is the 14th of March. I'm sorry. I got a lot of shit going on in my fucking head right now. Plus the voices. Plus they got a thing that they'll stay on. Stay on it. Where you get 20% off and they deliver it to your month

to your fucking mailbox every month, just like Dollar Shave Club. You don't got to leave the fucking house. They got to fill out fucking paperwork. You don't got to do nothing. You're like, Joy, why are you talking about this shit? I'm talking about this shit because I want you to be healthy

and I want you to be happy. If it's a flotation tank that does it while you're watching Hulu fucking plus while you're on Shroom Tech in the fucking tank, then that's what it is. With some short Filipino woman looking your balls from underneath, then that's what it is.

If you could give her a snorkel, a breathe and suck at the same time, you're a fucking genius. That's what I'm trying to talk to you about here. It's fucking Monday. You understand me? You want to start the week off good. You're in a good mood.

You're fucking happy. We covered the addiction. You know, this is it. You know, if you're addicted to something, get the fuck off it. You don't want to become a fucking statistic as these fucking idiots. You know what?

I was very fortunate. I'm not better than you. I should never done fucking drugs. But sometimes in life you fucking make a mistake. You go on the wrong street. You fucking hook up with some chicks. You want to put a Coke on your dog. dick, you do a fucking snort. Next thing you know, she's gone with some fucking Puerto

Rican and you're stuck in your room looking out a fucking window, paranoid, selling your fucking stereo. I've been there, so I understand. Take care of this shit today. You don't want to live with this shit no more. You understand me? You want to laugh at Lee and fuck around and meet Lee when we come to Boston and New York and all these fucking exotic locales. I love it. I love it. I love it. You never did a fucking drug. No? You know, and you're not a nerd to me. You're nothing to me. I love you like a brother. I am. I am a nerd. I'm happy. I'm happy. Like I said to a fucking whatever. Look at all the cool kids in high

school. They're fucking dead. Goofy, missing teat. You don't want to be a cool kid in high school. You don't want your kid to be a cool kid in high school. You want your kid to be the fucking nerd. So at least he gets somewhere in fucking life. What do you got there in the box? What came in the mail now? Nothing. It's just

the holiday wrapping paper. I'm moving so I'm trying to pack. What are you going to do with the Israeli flag? Bring it with me to the office. I can't throw away. We got to get your big one, like a road. That is a big one. You still didn't get a fucking robe yet? Oh, God.

I'm not going to get a robe. I'm not going to get a robe. It's a disgusting thing. No, it's not. It's nice. You walk around like a doctor. Once you're a woman seizing a rope, she'll go, look at Lee.

With a robe, with cigars in his pocket, with a lighter in the oven. Who's better than you, cuck, suck? No, no one is. Can I talk about those podcasts for a second? What podcast? Watch this with Rick Ramos. This is how big of a nerd I am with Jerry Rocha,

Flying Dew Radio, which I'm on with Agostino, and then yesterday, Steve Simone, good times with Steve Simone. He released his podcast with Ari Shafir, so listen to that. It's all stuff we're trying to put out there for you. Put together for you, motherfuckers. See, I'm entertaining.

We know you're at work. We know you drive. We know you enjoy this shit. For some reason, I don't know fucking why. So, you know what, man? We're putting more out there for you. You're fucking learning something. We're fucking giggling.

You know, what the fuck, man? You're getting high. It's Monday. What do you want to do? What do you expect it? You want to sit by a pool and somebody bring your margaritas and get one of the fucking Kardashians?

Then you're crying because you've got fucking crabs. Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? Lee, it's Monday, cock, sucker. No one gives a fuck. Do you call Jeremy? Are you going to do some jumping jacks with Uncle Jeremy? We haven't been able to connect.

I'm going to have to call him again this week. Oh, Jesus Christ. I almost tipped the fucking table over. I got kettlebells today. I'm going to go to jiu-titsu tonight. I went to jihitsu on Saturday. you know every time I walk out of

I just like the same thing to myself what the fuck am I doing in my life I'm 50 years old but you know what at this point I wouldn't know how else to do it I'm not really good at it you know but I like going I don't know why I don't know why maybe I'm fucking gay

I like guys laying on me I don't fucking know I don't think so I sweat like a motherfucker when I go to that day I'm good the shirts are fucking stiff when I go home today I got to go to dry cleaner because I got to fucking put elastic in my pants I'm sick and I'm sorry of falling off. Which pants?

My jit-two pants. Oh, okay. I think it was fucking formed. And it got rope and I try to tie them when you're a fat, fuck the pants off. I thought you were going to put elastic in your jeans. It's like, oh God. It's getting to the grandpa pants. Why are you saying those things to me, I call me Grandpa Cucksucker?

What if I showed you my balls and see how much grandpa they look? Everyone's seen your balls. Everyone on Twitter. I got to put that picture back up. I just don't know who you're messing with. those fucking rats are gone. Those rats that rat at me out, those little cocksuckers. I got some kids that keeps bothering me to do his podcast.

I'll pick you up and sit in the morning. That's what I want to do is breathe your bed, brother. Your fucking car. Sitting the fucking morning. Oh, yeah, Lee. I love this. I love this part of the day and we smoke some dope. We reflect.

And that's it. Like I told you, I got no fucking comedy shows. I'm working on new material. This party starts in Boston, February, fucking 27. Oh, shit. So I ain't going nowhere till then. So I'll be in town writing jokes, getting healthy. My wife is going to Tennessee to see her father.

A father went in for a hard thing on Friday. It's not good. So, you know, I didn't have any grandparents. We discussed that. You lost your grandparents at 12. Yeah. All of them by the time I was 12, it was it. So I talked to my wife, and it's amazing that I, in another life, I'd be very selfish.

But when I talked to, I said, I think you should go. because after February 27, you're not going to be able to go. After that, I'm busy until June already, so I don't see it. And you know what? You wouldn't want something to happen and for you not to go over something stupid. So when she told me Friday night, Saturday more, I got up and I went online, looked at the plane tickets, and they were cheaper than fuck. So I got her plane ticket cheaper than she fuck with my miles, you know?

And she got a hotel. Her brother's going to meet her in Nashville with her sister-in-law, and they're going to hang out and eat dinner. they have a child also, you know, we don't have much here. We're by ourselves, you know. When I get home on a fucking Sunday from being on the road to your beat and I get from my wife is fucking ferocious because she's been talking to a kid for two fucking days.

It's just amazing. You know, you can't even. I go in the shower and she's talking to me from outside the fucking shower, and I feel bad, and that's because she's alone, you know, and it's very tough for her. Why not let her go home? Even my mother-in-law called, and she said, this is very nice of you doing this.

you want to come, and I said, because I can't. You know, if I go with my wife to visit her father who's sick, I'm in the way. I'm the third wheel. You know what I'm saying? I'm just sitting there waving and going, yeah, I'm here, and I watch the baby, whatever. And I'm going to miss them, but I'd rather go let them do what they're going to do. Yeah. And I'm going to stay here, and I've got the cats for eight days.

I'm going to write and catch up on my writing. And I'll be able to go to Jitua on Sundays, which is always a good class. They do an open role. and I'm going to miss him, you know, but I want her to have a relationship with her grandfather. It's important to me for her to know who her grandfather is and to love him, you know, and if he does pass,

I don't want my wife to say why I didn't go because I didn't have time or we didn't have the money or, you know, I wanted to go spend time with him. So that means the world to me, so that's why I'm doing it, you know, and I'm going to miss him. I don't want my fucking daughter on a fucking plane. That breaks my goddamn heart.

But, you know, that's what we sacrificed, living out here. I don't want people to think that we're out here jumping up and down with fucking palm trees. You're alone. You know, you're alone. It's me and her, and we have a babysitter that comes in three days a week. But besides that, you know, we have to cut corn.

I really cut corners, but we have to strike when, you know, like that's why I don't go on vacations or not, because you never fucking know. This is what we do now, you know. So, but I'm happy that, you know, we have, like I told, I said, this could have been six years

ago and I didn't have no fucking points. You know, I saved my points like a Jew dog. Oh, fuck, I'm Jewie with those fucking points. You think I'm kidding? Oh, my God. But I save him, Lee, because I presume you save yours on JetBlue. I don't have anything, but yeah.

You save them because you never know when you're going to need them. At least you've flown on there before and you have a relationship with them. You saved them and you never know when somebody's going to pay. You know, I hate how the airlines treat people when somebody dies. 50% of a full flight with a fucking debt certificate. Really? Really?

Are you fucking crazy? It's still fucking $18,000 fucking dollars on a full flight, 50 fucking percent. But if you have miles and points, you could fly, you know, if something would have happened in Jersey to one of my friends or to her family. So this is why I'm Jewie with my fucking miles, brother.

No offense. You know, I love you to death. I'd be offended if you weren't Jewelie with your points. How much you got in the bank? Did you check to see how much you had this moment? This motherfucker is the only... I check it night. I check it night because they got the updated figures from the...

I have my interest coming from overseas. What's the other questions? What, you got Israeli? It's a special plan they give us. Bank of America gives us the Israeli rate. I want to thank everybody this podcast on a fucking Monday and got fired up with me and shit. Because, hey, man, if you're not fired up on a Monday,

you're going to suck. fucking dick trust me when I'd wake up hung over on Mondays or I wouldn't have a good Monday the rest of your week sucks that's why I stress Mondays is fucking you get up you go to bed early you take your vitamins you do some jumping jacks you do some squats get some blood in those legs why get a scooter and be a fat fuck fuck that shit get some blood in those fucking knees and get out there and fucking grab your cock and tell the world I'm gonna fuck you up the ass day I'm getting what's mine I'm getting what's fucking coming to me and that's it that's my attitude every

fucking day but it starts on Monday Have a great day. See you February 22nd at the Ice House. Better yet, see you fucking Wednesday. We haven't decided if it's an afternoon one or a morning one yet. Fucker, we'll figure it out. We'll see you Wednesday. Have a great day. Stay black. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus has you binge on thousands of head shows. Anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey or go to Joey Diaz. and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And don't forget to sign up for dollar shaveclub.com. You get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollar shave club.com forward slash church or go to joeydiaz. Dot net and click on the dollar shave club banner.

And again, welcome to our new sponsors at escapodtank.com. Mention the church, mention Joey. You get $250 off. I was just looking at their website. It's pretty awesome. You can do it yourself. So check all that out. Get your life together, Coxucker.

Have a good Monday.