The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #148 - The Church Of What's Happening Now

Episode Date: February 5, 2014

Comedian Sam Tripoli calls in. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for 50% off your first order. Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Recorded live on 02/05/2014.

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Nailedlife.com. Oh shit, motherfuckers. You thought you were going to get away with murder and stay home? With snowing out, it's cold, go fuck yourself. You're still gotta deliver the goods on a daily motherfucking basis. Like Aerosmith in 75. Fucking Rocks is the name of this fucking album. You know why?

This is why. Oh shit. Oh shit. I don't give a fuck how you're doing today. Put a tampon in that fucking pussy. Grab your ball. Salute the flag. Tell him I'm sorry I've been slipping.

And get out there, cossackers. What? Push-ups, sit-ups, jumping jacks, I don't care if you fucking punch your fucking wife in the neck. Get up, Cocksuffers. Unbelievable. What's going on, Lisa, yeah. I love this song.

I'm a good choice. Oh, yeah. It represents a lot of things in so many fucking different levels. Whether you're coming off battery ass or you ate some bad pussy. Coming off battery ass. That's right. Fuck it. This is it.

This is what happens. You're back, bitch. Some mornings you wake up. up, you get some black and white granola from Nature's box, and you fucking tear it up until they sent me some fucking black and white granola. It's delicious. Oh, nice. They sent me these rice sticks. Un-fucking believable when you're watching Law & Order.

Get it on Peanut Buck. And I would never say that. It's fucking Wednesday, February 5th. The world is yours, cock sucker. It's waiting with this asshole open. You control the Vaseline and the motherfucking big dick. Besides that, talking about big dicks. It's black history.

What's up, Lee, baby? How was your day yesterday? What's going on? I had a busy day yesterday with two podcasts and finalized the office, I think. You're a regular fucking Johnny bananas, aren't you? Cutting deals? No, it's crazy. It's, uh, just, I mean... How long is it going to take us to have internet over there? They just have to come and do an inspection, but they should, they should be over, I can make an appointment.

They charge you out of the ass for business internet, but I have, like, the salesman's direct number now, and I just call him, he can do it in an inspection. You're a fucking savage. They can't stop the flying juice. They can't stop the flying Jew. They cannot stop the fucking flying Jew. New York is getting snowed on again. I do miss snow days, though.

Those are fun. What the fuck? Snow days. Even you can't hate on snow days. No, I can't. You wake up and there's a fucking surprise. You don't have to go nowhere. It's like a blessing from God.

Especially when you're a kid. When you're like 13, you wake up, you're like, fuck this shit. Yeah. Papa's going. Back to bed. Not me. I was an asshole. I'd get up and shovel the driveway.

And then I go shovel the basketball courts. You shovel the courts? Oh, shit. When I was 12, 13, 14, I shovel those fucking courts. Throw some rocks off. Fucking sweep it. And before it get cold, go out there and hoop out there a little bit. The ball would fucking freeze.

It wouldn't bounce. Oh, Jesus. That's when you know it's fucking cold out. You go for a fucking jump shot. Somebody follows you smack him in the face. For an hour, that fucking your thumbprint is on their cheek. And that's why I like playing football in the snow. Football in the snow was fun.

Sledding in the snow. I had a hill in my backyard. It was tiny, but when I was young it was cool. Yeah, it's always. I came from the second hillyest fucking city in the nation. Oh, yeah. Did you ever, like, block off a street? Because yours was like a ski mountain.

Yeah, we did doubles. We did one, and then the next one. And, you know, fucking tremendous when you were a kid. It snows how you lose your fucking mind. Then as you get older, you're like, fuck, I got to go shovel my car. about what the fuck. This ain't the same motherfuckers. No, that parking in the city

when you're off the street park is the worst. Like in your driveway, yeah, you're just stuck there, but... You know, it kills me yesterday. I was watching. I spent the day with the wife and the kid yesterday. I did some stuff. But everything was centered around them in a way, you know? And I watched the news last night.

I was watching how they went after the heroin guys that sold them heroin, and all of a sudden now heroin is bad and heroin is up. And I've been saying this for fucking. 30 years. You gotta do some about this. But ever since the war started, was when we jumped heroin, because the poppies in Afghanistan.

They're bringing that shit back. Oh, you think so? Oh, I know so. Fucking, uh, Dearborn fucking Michigan. This is like everybody's heroin to fuck out in Detroit. That's where the number one... Who do you think... Is it the soldiers, or is it like the government? Who the fuck knows? But that, you know, right after 9-11, heroin went

dropped down in prices and they got well fucking strong. I know they were selling $7 bags in Newark. The bags he had with six dollar bags so but you know but it's it's hysterical how we blame everything but the problem George called me this morning the kid that I spoke about when I first found out that he had died the kid that I was like my brother he is my brother and uh he was on heroin for like seven eight years or whatever and I called him and said aren't you all happy and today he called me back this morning we're talking he was amen I was reading some that a couple

days before that somebody saw him in the village copying and they asked him they said you look familiar who are you and he goes I'm just a junkie and he goes that that statement fucked him up because it made him realize when he said that to himself when you just accept being a junkie and there was a point where I was a junkie. So you know there's always

I don't want to harp on this today there's always a way to fucking come up. Well I didn't realize this because I just didn't know anything about it. There was an article this lady wrote on Vice who her last week was her two years sober anniversary and apparently Philip Simon Hoffman was sober for like 20-something years

And then he relapsed And I just I don't understand a lot of drugs But just the whole needle thing freaks me out I can't imagine shooting something up I never shot up heroin I did it through my nose And the one that I asked the guy

Because I was so fucked up on blow That I just You know I didn't care at that point I said what would that happen If I would just shoot a little bit You know he was telling me how the high is different

you know and how you got to pull the fucking blood out and shoot it back in I can't once you get to that for you I guess they were talking about you know dabs and all that stuff listen I love smoking refa

I really do and you know what every once in a while I lose my mind and I'll buy something and I'll bring it home and I'll do you know and people are like my wife is the one that tells me shit she's like, what are you smoking in that room? And I go, what are you telling? I'm smoking pot. And she said, whatever you're smoking smells really weird.

And I'll think about hash that somebody gives me. Wow. I got the store. And this isn't hash. This is bubble hash. This is made with some, you know, this ain't the shit that I was used to getting when I was in New York. And I was getting out of hash from fucking all those dark countries that they smuggle hash, Egyptian hash and Israeli had, whatever the fuck they had. You know?

and it's so weird that yeah we have pot stores out here and it's great to have a medical marijuana place but they're also making a lot of this stuff they said these dabs and all that shit is made with butane so it hurts your lungs and my philosophy is listen once you got a smoke pot with a blow torch

it's time to fucking quit you know like let's it this is what this is you know I remember being a fucking kid and snorting cocaine it being 1982 and I robbed something and I had a ton of money and me and a bunch of buddies went to this fucking white dude's house who had a robe on you know and he had some chicks over there and he had a

neighbor over there and we bought like in those days it was sixty dollars for a little vial blow we must have ten of them wow me and like two of my buddies and we went over there and we took a violin we went to do a fucking bump and everybody went fucking nuts in the room was I talking about this the other day no everybody went nuts in the room don't put that away we don't do it like that we smoke it here for high and all this shit and also this guy took a kid out and you know you have to take the Coke and put in a thing and put baking soda on it and then shake

it around and then drain it through a sock a silk sock and it has to be a silk sock and they get to wait for it to dry then we'd all put it in a pipe and smoke it and it was like all this drama to be cool this is it this is it there's always that one but

no no no no we don't do it that way we do it this way it's like now they're old joints with a filter on it what fucking filter it's a match book cover you rip and half and roll up to be fucking cool but everybody's always got to be fucking cool. That's why I don't want my kid being cool. Because being cool, you're fucking stupid.

Right away, yeah, well, I have this. You know, listen, man, the day somebody told me at one of those weed stores, they gave me the thing, and you got a fucking burn, I don't need that shit. I don't want that shit around me. You understand me? There's a point where you're like, enough.

What are you going to do next? What are you going to fucking do next? Every time I go to a weed store, they have a new fucking edible. You know, and they get smaller and smaller and smaller. The one place, the Vine Monaster, before they moved, they had a pill. They had a vitamin E pill. That should just pop. And that's it.

No fucking candy bars, no cookies, just a vitamin E pill. That'd be great. Bump you five of them for 25 bucks. Two of them, you fucking gone. Gone on a plane one time. I wanted to jump off the plane. But my point being is that we just don't leave well enough alone. We always want to be cool than the next fucking guy.

Especially when it comes to fucking drugs. Every time I see those fucking rolling papers and somebody puts a filter on the end, I want to smack them in the fucking mouth. And the joint burns fucking crooked because you're worried about some stupid matchbook filter because you want to be fucking cool. I don't want to be cool. I just want to get fucking stoned. Yeah.

That was always my bottom line since I was 13. I want the quickest, fastest way to get fucking stoned. I'm not here to make shows for people. I hate that shit. Well, no, we don't. Hold on. Let me roll. Listen, nobody rolls better than me.

I don't know if you know that. Nobody rolls better than me. Nobody. Ari's got a video of me rolling a fucking joint. Nobody could roll a fucking number like me. He'll burn all the way through. You see these numbers? They're fucking perfect. They take me two minutes to fucking roll when I get any in the morning. Look at this, Roads. They all burn perfectly.

They all burn fucking perfectly. I know how to roll a fucking number. Get the fuck out of here with all you stupidity with the rolling machine. Roll the fucking number. That's why the whole karma thing. You take the paper. You fucking cut. You cut it, you break it up, you look at the weed, you take the seeds out. Well, there's no more seeds, no more, you take the stems out.

It's all this karma thing. That's the whole patois of it. Putting it in a bomb, cleaning the bun, putting water in there, ice cubes. Whatever the fuck you put in your bun, you miss that little bomb with the ice cubes. Are you standing in the office? Yeah. I've never seen you smoke a blunt, you know how a blunt guy? Again, I need to put an ounce of weed in a cigar to fucking get high.

Really? Really? I understand. I get it. But this gets me just as fucking hard. Two hits of this and I'm fucking seeing stars. I got to put 35 hours worth of weed into a cigar to be fucking cool. What was the last time we took two hits of a joint?

This morning, cocksucker. I've never had to try to be cool. I never liked that aspect of the like people trying to be fucking cool. Yeah. You know, like overcooled. Like, look at me. I'm fucking cool. I got my hat with the feather.

You know, I'm cool. It's like I said, you know, I go to that park, Bainbridge Park, and the moms in there, you know, they roll up their sleeves. They dress in proportion so you can see that tattoo on their calf. God forbid somebody doesn't see that you're cool. God forbid in this society. Somebody doesn't fucking think that you're cool. Because of fuck, the fuck you think if I'm cool.

Yeah. Fucking idiots. We're impressed with such stupidity. Speaking of which, the other day we had a little thing because we write on Mondays. Me and Diego, you know, we try to get together. Mondays I'm right and Steve Simone came by When I lived in Colorado You know Colorado open up my eyes to a lot of different fucking things

One thing that everybody does in Colorado Especially the rednecks is to listen to Paul Harvey You know, they haven't been in Boston also Yeah, I didn't realize he was all over the country All over the fucking country And Paul Harvey This radio guy that's been around since Jesus left Chicago And the other day Steve Simone turned me on to this

He said listen to this speech Paul Harvey made 50 years ago Listen, fuck Nostradamus. Fuck Nostradamus. That was kind of like an educated guess. Listen to Paul Harvey's thing. Now, my views on this are, I don't know what my views are on this. I just know that he's on the fucking money. You know, he plays it out as if he was the devil.

How would he take over the world? Okay, what things would he do? What steps are you doing? He says he'd take from the biggest apple on the tree, which is the United States. Play it, Uncle Lee. If I were the devil. If I were the devil, if I were the prince of darkness, I'd want to engulf the whole world in darkness, and I'd have a third of its real estate and four-fifths of its population,

but I wouldn't be happy until I had seized the ripest apple on the tree. The. So I'd set about however necessary to take over the United States. I'd subvert the churches first. I'd begin with a campaign of whispers. 1965. I would whisper to you as I whispered to Eve. Do as you please.

To the young, I would whisper that the Bible is a myth. I would convince them that man created God instead of the other way around. I would confide that what's bad is good and what's good is square. And the old I would teach to pray after me, our father, which art in Washington. And then I'd get organized. I'd educate authors in how to make the lurid literature exciting so that anything. else would appear dull and uninteresting, I'd threaten TV with dirtier movies, and vice versa, I'd peddle narcotics to whom I could, I'd sell alcohol to ladies and gentlemen of distinction,

I'd tranquilize the rest with pills. If I were the devil, I'd soon have families at war with themselves, churches at war with themselves, and nations at war with themselves, until each in its turn was consumed. And with promises of higher ratings, I'd have mesmerizing media fanning the flames. The Kardashians. Fire with the devil, I would encourage schools to refine young intellects, but neglect to discipline emotions.

Just let those run wild. Until before you knew it, you'd have to have drug-snipping dogs and metal detectors at every schoolhouse door. Metal detectors, motherfuddlers. I'd have prisons overflowing. I'd have judges promoting pornography. Soon I could evict God from the courthouse,

then from the schoolhouse, and then from the houses of Congress. And in his own churches, I would substitute psychology for religion and deify science. I would lure priests and pastors into misusing boys and girls and church money. If I were the devil, I'd make the symbol of Easter and egg and the symbol of Christmas. A bottle. If I were the devil, I'd take from those who have and give to those who wanted

until I had killed the incentive of the ambitious. And what'll you bet? I couldn't get whole states to promote gambling. as the way to get rich. I would caution against extremes in hard work, in patriotism, in moral conduct. I would convince the young that marriage is old fashioned, that swinging is more fun, that what you see on TV is the way to be. And thus I could undress you in public, and I could lure you into bed with diseases for which there is no cure. shit. In other words, if I was the devil, I just keep right on doing what he's doing. Paul Harvey.

Good day. What do you think of that, dog? It's pretty crazy. You're an atheist, correct? Yesterday you watched the thing with the science guy and the other guy. I saw, I didn't even turn it on because it doesn't even fucking apply to me. You know, I'm not an atheist. I believe there's something out there. I don't think it's a guy who carried a cross and who, you know,

I have a lot of different beliefs. We don't have a different belief, but if you've seen what I've seen and lived what I've lived, you know there's something out there. Yeah, it wasn't yesterday. I don't think Bill Nye was trying to say that there isn't a God. It's just that the other guy was trying to say that God can explain science, which, like, for listening to that, there's some of it I don't agree with.

Like, there's some of it that I think he takes church too seriously. Like, I don't think the downfall of religion is the downfall of this country. No, no, no. Some of it I agree with. You know what I think he's calling church character? There's one speech towards the end where he talks about moral. And he talks about what's going on. That's what we have going on today.

Yeah, yeah. That's what I, you know, when I get up in the mornings, I'm not fucking around with you people. I do not fuck around with you people that, you know, we've forgotten what the flag is. We really have forgotten what the fucking flag is. And I've got felonies. And I've done a lot of bad things. But I never forgot what the fucking flag was. And that's where my respect comes from.

I know I'm a guest. I'm a fucking guest. I'm an immigrant, so I have to be better than Indians. You understand me? I have to be better than the fucking Indians. You got to, you know, they use the bow and arrow. You got to use your fucking hands. So I just like the, me, my big problem with society is the character issue of it.

Yeah. You know, last week I did the whatever show, and they had a thing of extra with young kids. And I watched how these kids came dressed, you know, and everything. It doesn't seem like they even. want to dress like themselves. They want to dress like everybody else. Until this day, I'm fucking 50, and I dress out myself.

I don't give a fuck about money or how you expected me. I dress with sneakers, a pair of jeans, and a white fucking t-shirt. Yeah. I'm an American. I don't have to have an air towards me. It's interesting.

You say that. Paula brought me to a law school thing the end of the last week. In L.A., you never see suits. Everyone there was dressed like they were going to like a black tie inauguration. I've never seen it before. And I felt I wore like black pants and said I wore a sweater.

And I was like I was like kind of out of place. But every like everyone was there, it felt really weird being there. There's no personal image no more. Everything is a society image. I got to have a tattoo with my sleeve rolled up. I got to have long hair with a hat on backwards or sideways. I have to have my pants fucking sagging, whatever the fuck they call it. I can't just have Wranglers and Lees no more.

It's got to be a lot. $150 pair of jeans are the ugliest fucking things I've ever seen in my life. Those jeans they put that look like you've been using them for seven days in a row. So you're going to buy $150 pants to make you look like a fucking struits. That, you know,

when you go to the UFCs, you look around you and there's not a little bit of originality. Everybody's bald with a tattoo, with a goatee, with an infinity shirt or whatever the fuck you call it, the MMA shirt on. It's like, that's it.

you know, this is to show, to show what? To show that you become a fucking sheep, to show that you have no creativity at all. That's the things that piss me off. That's what, I don't give a fuck what you do. I don't do a fuck if you sell heroin, the fucking Philip and Seymour Knight, Heifman in the fucking grave.

I don't care if you dig it up and put it in his fucking hand. You're trying to make a living. What I care about is your behavior towards society, and towards us, and towards yourself. That's what fucking piss. This is me to fuck off, right from the jump right there.

And they make you feel bad if you don't do it, because, like, I'm a big guy, so I've never really been able to dress, like, Abercombe and Finch and stuff like that. And it just makes, they try to make you feel bad about it. And sometimes I'm like, oh, it'd be cool if I could, like, it looks like the guys have, like, stylists. And I just, I don't think I'd even, it doesn't look comfortable. Like, it just, they make you, but they make, like, sometimes I feel bad about it. I hate, like, not dressing like that. I've always hated looking to part. Yeah.

Remember when I first got into comedy, they got to taught the course would wear a suit with sneakers on. And every time I went and I saw the sneakers, I wanted to smack them. Because that was the universal language if you were a comedian. Oh, really? I have sneakers on with a sit. You know what I'm like, you know. I'm wacky. Yeah, like, I'm a lacty.

Look at me. You know, boy, I'm a bad boy. I hate that fucking expression. I'm a bad boy. Okay. Whatever. You know, Justin Bieber's a bad boy. You know, where'd you come up with that fucking?

You know, Justin Bieber's a faggot because his parents didn't fucking smoke when he was in the wound. That's why. That's why half these little motherfuckers are getting bullied Because their mothers didn't think of a fucking drag of a Marlboro Red And puff it into the fucking womb These kids come out half fucking fagged up already You know, with feelings and all this shit The fuck is wrong with you, little fucking cock suckers

But these are the things that burn me up And it's little things that have taken society off the fucking map It's little things to me You know, it's like when I tell people, listen, do me a favor, dog And it's just, to me, there's a difference between stupidity, a college degree, and common sense. I see no more common sense. I see things that I sit there and I go,

what the fuck did I just see? What the fuck did I just see? I love kids. My job, I would love to take kids and work with them just to show them the inner beauty of being yourself. The inner beauty of being yourself. Whatever happened to just being yourself? I'm not a good-looking guy.

You know, I've always either been too skinny or too fucking fat, but guess what Lee I don't give a fuck I don't give a fuck that's my main that's my mental fucking thing when I walk into a room I really don't give a fuck what you're thinking or what you're not thinking this is what you are gonna fucking think if you're in doubt you know and I think about like my mom I think about me being a parent now and how my mom treated me a lot of fucking mistakes with me but one thing she instilled in me as a human being was my balls and to have my own

fucking what I want to fucking do, which I think is the most important thing she gave me. That's why I was able to handle the things I handled when I handled them at that age. I look at 15-year-old kids all the time. And I look at them and I go, if their mom drive, they found their mom

on the fucking floor today and they had nobody to live with it. What the fuck what they do? Oh, I have no idea. What do you have a nervous fucking breakdown. You know, I have that shit. I've never said this to nobody. I have that PTSD. You do know that.

I didn't go to fucking war. I didn't get hit in the head. I had it from the shock. I went into as a child. You know, I was telling you that I have an idea for a show about, like, the family, that De Niro talks to people. And during the conversation, if just something goes wrong, he looks at them and he imagines himself killing this person.

You know, I get the worst fucking thoughts ever sometimes. I get the worst thoughts about people sometimes. I get the worst thoughts about my life sometimes before I go to bed. You know, when I went to see the psychotherapist for my anxiety and for fainting when I was having a hard time breeding. She said that I should have an imaginary waistbasket next to me and throw those thoughts out. But sometimes it's too much.

Those thoughts fucking overcome me sometimes. And I think about what it's from. And it's from those three deaths when I was younger. It's from, you know, seeing one, shoot somebody at fucking eight. You know, I was watching the Sopranos yesterday. We were home and Sopranos is on every day at five. And there was one scene when Meadow, the daughter, goes to talk to a psychiatrist.

because she wants to go to Barcelona or Europe for a summer or a semester. And they were very mad at the parents, Tony Supriano and his wife, so they sent her. She's there at one point. She says, when I asked you what your father did, you said waste management, wink, wink. And I looked at Terry after when I go, you see what she did right there? My mom would have killed me for that. When I was a kid, I wasn't allowed to talk about what was in my house or nobody on the street. I remember being on street corners when I was 10

and kids would be talking about drugs and I would want to tell them like they didn't have a fucking idea what they were talking about but I couldn't because then they would know like when I seen Juan shoot that Niko guy on 148th Street

I never told that to nobody I think Rogan was the first person I told that to him about eight years ago on a plane I never said it I never repeated it to nobody never repeated in my house I repeated it to Juan in 2006 when we were having lunch like six months before he died

and he told me he didn't know what I was talking about that's how secretive I came from a house like that you didn't repeat what happened in your house somebody came to me about two years and I said you know the time I know you've never made a derogatory remark about your wife at the time she was my girlfriend

you know most guys would say I'm going to fuck my girlfriend I'm going to fuck somebody in here I don't talk about that shit with my house with too many people this people didn't even know Terry existed Really? Yeah, for years. People were like, you know,

and it's not that you keep your shit personal. I was raised with the three monkeys, you know, see no evil, you know, talk no evil. My mother told me whatever happened in the fucking house nobody needed to know. And I stuck to it, you know. There's just so many fucking things and all that shit affects me.

But I definitely get bad thoughts sometimes. I get horrific fucking thoughts. And that's why I left Colorado because I was getting thoughts of fucking killing. my ex-wife and her husband and stabbing them and slicing their fucking throat and sitting them down and taking his cock out and putting in her mouth and chopping it off normal people don't think this way you know but you know whatever whatever I get angry sometimes and my mind runs away with me and and that's why I don't want to ever have a gun

in my fucking car that's why I don't want to batten my fucking car because that's the first impulse that I come but I definitely have that PTSD I even looked it up and read it and shit. I definitely get fucking shit going on in my head. I get bad thoughts sometimes. Even my family. I get bad thoughts

because I know how fast your life could change. I know how fast your life could change. I know that I could go to sleep right now and start pissing and have a stroke in your bathroom and die. You go to say,

where's Joey? And I'm on the fucking floor. And it fucks you the rest of your life. It will fuck with you because that's how fucking fast life changes. Yeah. You don't even think that.

When you see people usually You don't even think about going, hey, I'll see you tomorrow. And then all of a sudden, boom, they're gone. You know, they got hit in the car on the way home, or they got drunk, or they did blow the night before. They got shot in a bar accident. So I know I have it, you know, and it's fucking horrible.

It's fucking horrible. I don't have it all the time, but I have fucking horrible thoughts sometimes of people, of things, of a different situation. And I get fired up in my head. That's why I always got to be busy. Yeah. That's why I always have to be busy

because I'll think of a situation and it'll just eat away at me and just eat away at me for a couple days and I heard Rogan one time saying that he gets mad at people and he'll get mad for years at people just in this in this conscience

it's like this conscious on stream and then I let it go one day one day I just go what was I mad about and I let it go but for a long time I'll have that stream of conscience going you know so it's just I know I have some type of fucking problem. I don't know if it's PTSD. I don't even know if that's what you call it.

Have you thought about going to the therapist more? Well, I haven't been to the lady since I went off to whatever because I haven't had that bad of anxiety. I get mild anxiety, which I got mild anxiety every fucking day in my life. Yeah. You know, it's so weird. Like, sometimes I get in my car and I think I have to get back home. I'm like, why? It's 10 in the morning. I have nothing. The rest of the day, why? is this rush? Yeah.

In my head, what is this rush to want to go home? You know, as soon as I go to Hollywood, I got to go home. As soon as I hit Hollywood, I got to go home.

I got to fucking go home, you know? When I go out of that night, I got to go home. You know, when I finish my set, when I do my business, I go home, you know? So it's just really funny

the things you find out about yourself. That last night I really came to the conclusion. I laid down there. I was right until about 10.30, my uncle called. And I talked to him. He said, hilarious. I go, what he's doing?

He goes, I'm sitting here watching the Russians beat up on faggots. I go, what the fuck are you to watch him? You know, just like that. Then he went off about faggots in Russia and fucking this. Yeah, that's kind of crazy. And then we talked about something else, about Cuba, and he was talking about my sister.

I went to bed and I thought about something and it was fucking horrible. And I'm like, this is fucking official. I got to go see a fucking doctor. I got to take medication. I got to go with a helmet. I got to go do something. Something you get a fucking tank.

Do you ever get, like, negative thoughts? Like, I went downstairs. I had to go to my car this weekend when Paul was up in the house. And on the walk back from my car up here, I was convinced that she was going to have left a note and left. And the time I left, I went to the car. Like, I don't know, I don't know. Everything's going great. But from the walk back from my car up, I was, I had this whole thing that I, like, that I was convinced that she had left.

Because I went to go get breakfast. That's what I did. I went to go get breakfast. I was convinced she had packed up and jumped on the bus and left and there's going to be a note on my bed. And of course there wasn't, she was here, but sometimes that'll just happen to me.

I'll get really negative. And it's just, it was a weird few minutes for me. I got negative thoughts. Fucking every day. When I wake up in the morning, I get negative thoughts. And that's why I post the stupidity I do, because

that's what I'm feeling. For me to catch my negative thought, I have to feel that. Yeah. I have to feel that. that and sometimes so I get up in the morning I go pee I shut the air off I shut the fan off I pet the cats I give them all love I brush my teeth I pee I go in the kitchen I clean the little boxes I took the coffee out but upon I hit the

button for the fucking coffee I'm thinking every bad thought in the fucking why am I going out they're gonna hate me bu bu bu bu bah why am I gonna do this I'm gonna fail what the fuck was I thinking I think of all these these things. I get my coffee. I pet the cats. I tell them I love them, whatever, which ones come out. I feed them. I give them a little cat food in the morning to get them going. I go on the room, I open up the computer, I open up my notebook, I write my thoughts of the day, and then I get on Twitter and on Facebook and check my emails and all that stuff. That whole time, when I get in the notebook, I think that's when I start getting optimistic in a way.

Oh, we got a Culkman. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. It's my favorite Armenian, Sammy Trips. Joey Diaz. My God, I've never done morning podcasting before. Thank you. Thank you for getting up.

Thank you for doing me the solid. You know, I love you. For a year, people have been asking me. When are you going to have Sam Tripplias? And every time I see you, I want to tell you something, but there's 15 fucking people in the room. I love you, dude. I'm honored to have on the show.

Oh, please. I'm so happy for you. and everything that's been going on with you. It's amazing to watch, and I couldn't happen to a better person. No, Trips, I'm proud of you too, man. You're making some strides, and when I met you, you were a young, fucking goofy-eyed kid.

It's amazing. You were young. A fucking knucklehead. You had big eyes, and you were fucking excited, and you were always on your tippy toes. I had hope. You still have fucking hope, but you wouldn't be getting up at 645 in the fucking morning.

Trust me, my brother. Yeah. Do you do this every morning? I mean, do you do this? Is this when you do your podcast all the time? I do it Mondays and Wednesdays at this time. And we were just talking about that. That's why you do it, dude.

That's the eye of the tiger right there. Well, no, Lee and I were just talking about it if I ever got negative thoughts. Because Lee was saying he gets negative thoughts. Sometimes I go, you know, when I wake up in the morning trips, my first eight minutes is just a negativity walk. They're going to hate me. They fucking suck.

This audition, I'm not going to get it. You know, I'm going to move. back to Jersey and sell drugs. By the time I make my coffee, I brush my teeth, I roll the first fucking joint. That's when I start saying, maybe there's a little bit of hope in my life. And by the time I get on Twitter,

I'm like, what the fuck was I talking about? You know, wash your pussy, today's your lucky fucking day. The question, it, dude. Yeah, no, so how did Minneapolis go? Talk to me. Minneapolis's phenomenal. You know, it's like, you know,

the Thursday, they were fun. The weekends are great, dude. You know, it's like I did that, at that club like a year ago and like all the shows are packed but then you know you fly in during an ice storm you know people don't want to go out I mean the show was so high when I went and did a

Tom Bernard show I was like how do people live in this shit did so but the weekends were great you know I loved it did it was a great weekend there that you and uh who did they have right before you Greg Fitzsimmons yeah we had a great Dets Squad month up day

it was that's one month in Minneapolis it's fun I got this new album coming out it should be out within like two weeks. My second comedy album, so I've been working all this new shit, you know, and that's always got, you know, when you got your shit locked in, you go up there and you're just fucking shooting fire,

and, you know, you're so confident, and the new stuff, you start getting those bamby legs, you don't know if it's good or not. So it ended up being pretty good. By the end of the week, all the stuff was clicking. It was back to, you know, Super Crush Fest. There was a lot of fun, dude. I would love to see you on the road, man.

I don't get to see you on the road work. I never really ever got the chance to sit down and watch, like, really great guys at work a room. When I started stand-up, you know, I got picked up at the store, you know, I was thrown right into the fire. I was following guys like you and Rogan all the time, you know, and I had to learn to survive, but I only got to watch that in the O-R, which is its own thing. I never really got to go on the road like as an opener and a feature and watch people work.

And, you know, I kind of miss that. I would love to see, like, how you work. work in Minnesota. I know how you were to be ice house and it's pure fire. I love to see how it works in Minnesota just to see if the game's a little different, how you deal with certain situations. I would love to have watched all that. I never got that. It's really weird that you say that because four years ago, five years ago, I was getting a lot of doubts about comedy. And it was, I started going to the Irvine Improv. Thursday nights, I forced myself to get in the car. If you offered me a gig, I'd say,

know. And I went to see every top headline of who I thought was tops. From Ralphie Mae to Greg Geraldo to Charlie Murphy to the guy with the puppets and he was my favorite. Yeah, he was my favorite to be like a because you know I'm an asshole

and it was very No, I really appreciate what you said because that taught me a lot. So when you have a doubt, just circle the Irvine Improv. What guys you want to go see that You just want to sit as a fucking, you don't want a guest set. You don't want to be involved.

You don't even want nobody to know you're there. I would just sit in the back. Get a sober. I'd be a civilian. A civilian. And just see what the fuck the other guys doing. Bill Burr is always good to watch for an hour. You know, to watch Bill Burr on the road is an education, Jim Norton on the road.

And you know what you come up with? I'm going to tell you what answer you're going to come up with, first of all. You're going to come up with the answer that you ain't so fucking bad after all. Yeah. That's what happened to me. I said, you know what, man, for years I thought I sucked. I'm not that bad. I got a little hope.

And I'm not taking... You never sucked. You were always, I always loved you from the start. And I've had, at the comedy store, I've had two bad sets. I've had a lot of bad sets, but I've had two sets where I'm like, what am I doing in this gig? And what was following you? And when we're following Lisa Lampinelli, where you guys just went there,

straight, straight drove the room, dude. Just fire, dude. And I went up there, and I remember that. Just having these jokes that I thought could follow anybody and just throwing him into this crowd. And, like, it's like when you, you know, you see the movies where they throw, like, a rock down a well, and it never hits the side, and it just, you never hear it hit the bottom. It just, I would just throw these jokes out there. And I remember getting offstage, go to sit in my car, go, what is going on?

It was just like, really, dude. Following you is an education, boss. There's that, you know, you're about to learn something. But following Dom Herrera for me was the same thing. Following Dom Herrera for me when I first got to the store was the scariest. I remember driving to the comedy store on Sunset asking myself why I was going down there. Why would I want him?

And what was the black guy with the dreads? And I've told the story a thousand times. What is that guy? Oh, man. The black guy with the dreads in the fucking late 90s at the store, he made a movie about a black James Bond that he produced with his girlfriend at the time.

I forget. That fucking guy, he was about the checkbook. to just kill him. What was... He had two initials and something else. TR or something. He's still around.

Somebody told me he's still around. He's still a great guy. And it's just amazing. The education we got from following people... It's like going to Jiu-Jitsu. You're going to get beat up every fucking time. Like your ex-rummate.

Like your fucking roommate. That guy was getting beat up. Scott Ross. He's got a black belt. Yeah, he's a brown belt now. And he does fucking privates for Eddie. I was watching a tape on YouTube. And I'm like that guy looks familiar.

That's fucking Scott. He's a brown belt. Ross. Teaching people. That guy was a nerd fucking eight years ago with little glasses. He was a sweetheart. I loved him with all my heart.

We'd sit behind the store and talk about everything. And now, so, what do you think? Do you think he didn't get his ass kick for fucking three years at Eddie's? Oh, shit, dude. When I would go to Eddie's, I would struggle with the moves

because they were just so complex. And I would name the moves after the year that I thought I could actually do them. But he would just fight through and fight through. And he'd come back from when we we lived together with like half broken legs, half broken arms, you know, just torn up, but he fought through it. And now he's like, he's a, he's like an assistant professor at a college in Los Angeles. And he's got his brown belt, almost about to get his black belt from any bravo and jujitsu, just sticking with it, you know. know what I'm saying?

And that's all we did, triply. That's all we did. How many people trips were here with you in the beginning? And they're not around no more. How many trips? I was talking to Matt Fultroutt about that the other day. It's just like the war of a church and just stick in the pocket. Joe Giz, I had to follow you one time at a Joe Rogan show in San Jose.

And again, like, I take pride that I can follow it, Matt. following you at a Joe Rogan show is like it's like middling for Van Halen but the opening act is David Lee Roth that's how crazy you get people going and you did like 10 minutes for 50 minutes of the most well-written ass-eating material

I'd ever heard of my life I'm like what do I got to follow that I mean you touched on everything I pretty much think you need to talk about on ass eating and it was just flame-throwing. And I remember the first one was really rough on me. Really rough. And then the segue, I clicked in, and it was fine,

but, man, that was another education, dude. You adjust. This is all, listen, if you stop learning every day, if you fucking live your life and you think you stop learning, you stop living. Every day, I like getting beat up. I like learning something new. You know what I'm doing tonight, Tripoli?

What do you do? I'm going to a five-week voiceover class. starting tonight from 7 to 10. Who does that? Who does that? Who does that type of stupid shit? But I just got a voiceover agent for the first time in 14 years.

I really don't know what the fuck I'm doing. So why not? From 7 to 10? I don't know. It costs 50, 60 bucks for the fucking five weeks, six weeks. What do? That's perfect.

You got to learn something. You know, I went on four or five auditions and nothing happened. Not even a callback. I went for three commercials for voiceovers and two movies. And nothing happened. So I got to adjust to this shit.

I might as well fucking learn what the fuck I'm doing. And this is all LA is. You know, when I got the fucking De Niro movie, same thing. I went and got an acting coach and worked with him for fucking three days. It cost me some money, but you got to be prepared. And for years, I did blow and I wasn't prepared. And I still made little strides. I still made little, little strides.

Could you imagine if I was focused and wasn't doing blow and wasn't drinking and was minding my peas and cues? I'd be a fucking killer from Manila. But... Yeah, I do. I'm the same way. You're living your fucking learn. You're living your learn.

And that's what makes you strong. If you don't fail, you're never going to get fucking stronger. I'm never going to get fucking stronger. I agree, man. I completely agree that getting out of your way and learning... I think about learning to direct, man. They got that L.A. film school near my house. I was thinking about directing, man,

because I would hire people to direct my videos, and it's never exactly the way I want. I'm thinking about just going and directing my shit, you know, just doing it out my own. This is where our comic insecurity comes in. I'm going to fill you in on something. One of the best things that happened to me was one night I was high, stumbling to a television set, and I seen Roseanne on that fucking interviewer that's been married eight times. What's the old guy? Alan King Live.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Larry King Live. And he was grilling her. He was grilling her about the Cosby Show. He was grilling her about her show, how she was grilling her about her show, how she was. She threw the ABC employees out of the Christmas party. She goes, I threw them out of the Christmas party, and she wouldn't let them on the set, the second year of the show.

And she looked at Larry King, and she goes, before I became an actress or anything, I was a fucking stand-up comedian. Let me tell you something about stand-up comedian is. They do it all. We do it all. We direct, we produce, we market, we write, we know where the microphone stand is.

We know more than what you see. Like you might think, well, he's a director. What the fuck does he know? He did two student films, and he watched the fucking Pope Fiction. Now he calls himself a fucking director. You know, if you watch movies today, you know, I was talking to somebody there about the godfather.

When Vito Cawley only dies out in the patch with his grandson, they don't show his body on the floor. They show the vine patch, the fruit, and they show the thing blowing in the wind, like the spirit is taking him away. that gives your creativity that mind. Directors don't do that today. They think an explosion is what directing is.

We have so much going for ourselves as stand-ups, and we don't even fucking know it. Yeah, it's so interesting that comedy, stand-up comedy is a thing where the people who tell us what is funny is really people who've never even done it. I mean, you never see that anywhere else, like in particular sports. You know, you never, very rarely,

you see someone who's a coach or GM who didn't play the game at a very high level. But in comedy, it's like you get instructions from people who couldn't even do five minutes on stage. It's such an interesting thing. Louis Anderson talked about that, like how comedy had changed from back in the day when it was like the comics told the industry what was funny, and they picked from that. And then at some point the industry decides to start telling the comedians what funny. But the glory is of the Internet. And you're a great example of someone who just like, with the Internet,

you've been able to find a crowd who just is, like, passionate about what you do. And, like, 10 years ago, does that happen this way? Or do you got to hope that you can get that right audition? And you get in front of that right camera. And then you catch fire. Johnny Carson, who was one of the best likes you and put you on the show. But now the Internet, man. It's like either you're funny or you're not funny, and the crowd likes you.

And then that's the beauty of it. You have to do it on your own. And, you know, who knows what success is. Some people have a lot of it. Some people have a little bit. But if you're doing what you love, that's the biggest thing for me. I really love doing what I'm doing. Whatever a degree it may go to, who knows, you know, it is what it is.

But, man, I really enjoy doing, like, my punch-drunk sports with Ari and Jason Jebo and my naughty show that I do on Playboy Radio. Like, I really enjoy doing those things. I'm very passionate about it. It's fine. You couldn't do those, like, five years ago. No, you couldn't. You could.

You're like everything was. We were at the mercy of them. Now they're at the mercy of us. We control our own destiny. You know, there's nothing... Listen, man, I guarantee you had an idea for a TV show five years ago. Maybe you got a deal. NBC didn't like it, and they closed the door on you.

You know what? That doesn't happen today. Today, we could get together and go, listen, Sam, that idea you got? We can't do a half-hour show with three kids. cameras. We could do a 10-minute show, one camera. It's 15-minute shows on, like, a dull swim. Why not? Why not? That's incredible. Why not?

And wait until they get the smart TV start happening, then you're just going to be watching their internet on it. But, man, it's like, what a fun thing. When I see, like, I go to Minnesota and I see you as, like, a guy we used to just do the OR together, and I just, you know, you're a special presentation. It's, like, so fun to watch. Like, you and Rose, and Red Band. It's like, it's so crazy. I was doing an interview the other day,

and they asked who my favorite comics today? And I started thinking, and it's like, it really is a blessing that, like, my favorite comics are all personal friends of mine. Like, it's really crazy. Like, to watch you and watch Rogan, who I used to, like, have to follow all the time in the OR. Back when he was through, like, an hour and 15,

hour and 20 in the OR. I'd go up there cold The ORO was this amazing dojo Because, you know, there was no host You know, you would So just flame for the room They brought you up, you had to follow that, dude And you had to learn how to deal with that

And I would have to follow you and I'd follow Rogan Dude like hour 20 And I'd have to, I had 15 minutes Not only like, get them the lap, I can keep them there and all that stuff And then I go and then I'm doing like The San Jose Improb, which a billion seats in it

and I'm working with you guys it's like such a crazy thing to see this death squad thing it's like you never this could have happened five years ago who knows what it's going to be in five years no it's going to be and just to not take you off course I gotta tell you something

that's really special about a year ago I was talking to Harry and I go what'd you do last night he goes I went down to the naughty show and I go how it was and he goes pack and I said to him how was Tripoli and he goes you know man it's a leisure to watch Tripoli because when he's around those porn chicks and all that shit that's his fucking world that's where you see Tripoli shine and I was laughing because it's true you know

there's there's some parts of this like look we hate dealing with agents we hate all if it was up to me Tripoli I swear to God I'm telling you this from the honesty I would just want to do calmly just for the sake of doing it at this point there was no money involved and I didn't have to talk to agents no more sometimes I just wanted to go back to that where we all meet on Monday nights at a gay bar and we each do 10 minutes and the goal is to each outdo each other with our material like how much did you write last week

that's what you did as an open micer when I lived in Seattle and I became friends with Josh Wolfe and Brody Stevens and Mark Madison and all these fucking guys Tainanam Anew and Aisha Taylor it was Mondays that cut it for you in those days. You all had a day job

you all fucking robbed and you eat pussy and you did what you did but on Mondays it's either and I remember Remember, Houston, Texas had an open mic where the headliners would stay for Monday. You didn't go home on Sunday. You stayed because the open mic was 200 deep, and you had to outdo each other. That is crazy. I remember when I first got picked up at the comedy store, and I was like, I loved watching Paul Mooney.

Oh, my God. Because it was always an education, you know. Like to this day, to this day, I still remember, he's taught me so much, Paul Mooney. One of them was watching him flamethrow a room of two people. And this is a guy who's like, like Richard Pard's special. Like when Richard walked off stage, like his name would be the only name that comes up on the screen. And no other name comes up until his name is God. And this guy's flame throwing two people sitting in the front row.

And I always learned that. No matter how small the crowd is, and sometimes they can be small, you have to go out there and just let's set it on fire. But I remember when I first got picked up at the store. I remember him talking to all the young guys. He was like, you know, you want to hear something? You go, it's the best time of your comedy career is right now.

When you're young, you're just running around. You're not doing stand-up for money. You're doing stand-up because you're hanging out your buddies, you're chasing tail, banging chicks, and just you want to tell jokes because you love stand-up comedy. Once you start making money, the game changes. But when you're young, you're fun,

you're running with your boys. That's when comedy is the best, man. Oh, Monday nights when I show up, and I'm like, Trippily, how much money you got $11? I got nine. We get three drinks, and we could probably talk to bartending to giving us a half gram until next Monday.

But wait, wait, wait, wait, till we go up on stage. We gotta wait till we go up on stage. Then we'll fucking drink and get all. Just all that camaraderie for no money, where everybody were all equals. Dude, I used to love to do stand-up so. I still love stand-up. I used to drive from when I lived in Las Vegas.

I drove from Las Vegas to Hollywood to do a three-minute open mic at the Laugh Factory where I'd have to show up literally at 4 in the morning, wait all day until like three or four in the afternoon to sign up, So no one took my spot so I could do this open mic that at the time was completely packed. This was before Dublin's and the lap factory open mic was phenomenal. Eight to seven, seven to eight or something it was, eight to nine. And he would sit there and tell you what you would do by the you don't belong here, buddy. Yeah, he was always really complimentary to me.

So it was like, he would fuel my fire, man. And it was, yeah, it was the love. Trips, what was the contest? Let me tell you guys some stories. What was the contest in Redondo Beach on Thursday nights 12, 13 years ago? Remember, there was a bar right around the corner from the Comedy Magic Club down the pier. You had to walk all the way on the pier on the left-hand side. And on Thursday nights, first place was 100.

Second place was 50. And third place was a pizza. Let me tell you something, trips. I used to go down there with enough gas in my car to get me there. And no money to get back. How many times you win that thing? I won it probably two times, and I took a second one time. You know who won it?

I never won. Pablo Francisco. Pablo Francisco won. That's about it. Pablo Francisco won that time. Oh, my God. Because he lived in Redondo Beach. and he would go over there on Thursdays

if he was in town and this one night I went down to this fucking problem I'm like fuck I'm only gonna because with 100 I could fill the tank I could have lunch the next day

and I could get a half gram of Coke from Chewy you know it was all complete it got me to the comedy store I got a half gram in me that was the plan you know it was

I would have to go down there to win the 100 I couldn't go down to the win 50 it just didn't make sense to me you gotta win it all you had to win it all and that's the shit the positions

I used to put myself and as a stand-up comic. I mean, I am, it saved my fucking life, Sam. And you're right. It's great to see that we're all still here. Listen, man, I never came here to be a star, Sam. I came here because I had nothing else going on. Me too, dude.

That was my life. We could be honest with people and tell them, yeah, listen, dog, the reason why I got better at comedy, it wasn't because I strive for it. It was because I was like, Richard getting off as a gentleman. I had nowhere else to go, and the store gave me five spots a week. I had a couch-as-leap on at Josh Wolves.

Chewy would front me Coke, and I got a check every week from the comedy store, and I hustled with Felipe and Willie Barsena. I remember, dude, when I first got picked up to the store, they're not doing it again, but when I first got picked up, they were doing Friday and Saturday nights in the alarm, and I actually, for the first time of my life, was paying rent by doing comedy, which was this humongous thing, man. And you get picked up by the Mitzin Shore

was the biggest thing that ever happened in my life because it was the first time that I could fail on stage and still be brought back, which I'd never happened before. That was this wild child out of Las Vegas, the 702. We were allowed to play comedy clubs, so we'd have to make our own gig. So I would literally, when I started doing Sam Tommany,

there was one open mic every other week in Las Vegas. There was nothing, and I know I needed to get more time. So I went out every night, and I found bars that were dead on this night. I'm like, what night are you dead? They're like, we're dead this time. I'm like, give me a night. So I would start my own comedy club, my own comedy night, and me and all these comments would just show up, and I would just host it.

But I got skills, but they were bar club skills, which is different from like a comedy club skill. bars are like crazy. You got to stay in the pocket. You've got to be able to put out fires, you know. You know, comedy clubs, stay a little more dignified. People are on dates and they're to listen. You've got to have a different skill set for that.

So I would just, like, be going into these rooms. And once in a while, I'd get into a comedy club, and that's so crazy. I think the crowd would be like, what is this dude doing? So Mincy picks me up, and I remember my first spot was a main room stop, and I had to follow Charles Fleischer and who would you know he'd done Roger Rabbit he was kind of a connection

to the glory days of the comedy story he could do cart blocks you can do anything he wanted he could go from he'd do 30 minutes he could go to an hour and 20 you never know did they finally throw him out of the store what's that did they finally throw him out of the store because I seen him walking across Laurel Canyon the other day

with a long black jacket on like Bell Legosi I was in the stuff I haven't seen him there forever, dude. It's been a while. It's a weird thing because... They told me he couldn't do the harmonica no more, and they threw he left or something I heard. Oh, at the end, I would be

like, oh, God, and the crowd will go crazy, and I remember the first time I walked out, but I remember she booked me the next night after, and that was such an amazing thing for me, and it was such a feeling of, like, warped to be picked up by Mitchie Shore, who, as crazy as she was,

you know, she liked you, were blessed, dude. And you can get spots and learn. And then from there, I got bumped almost every night by Andrew Dikes Clay, my first year at the comedy store. Almost every night, this one Dice was coming around a lot. And no matter where I was in the lineup, he'd go right on and break before me. Oh, please. I had Eddie Griffin to contend with. Who the fuck are you kidding?

I had a shoot last week. I shot Marin at the comedy store in the main room. So it was early. Me, I met, I met. And we were talking about fucking the first night, me and the producers, they were asking me. If I did spots, then I go, yeah, and I'm my first night here. You know, you have like 80 of your buddies coming to the store, like at 10 o'clock. My spot was like at 10.30 and shit.

I took them to subway to get a sandwich, and we all went to the store afterward. And right before, I'm going to go up and do my first spot in the hour on a Monday night, Eddie Griffin comes up and he's like, little brother, let me do 10 minutes in front of you. What a fucking mistake that was. 10 minutes. Finally, like a quarter of the two. He's like, Joe, you're still in the house? and I'm sitting in the back

with like two of my buddies fucking at that point I was just you're heartbroken you're fucking heartbroken this is your big spot and you get bumped and you gotta wait it out for three hours I sat there

listen to him talking about Bruce Lee getting stabbed by Mexicans and fucking now what's going on with the naughty show Sam I uh it's blessed we're back at the comedy store we're doing a

February 20th it's a really great line up. I'm very excited about it. Then, you know, I just did the Hard Rock for the third time this year, or, you know, within a year at the Hard Rock Casino in Las Vegas, which is a lot of fun. And trying to get it out there, man, just hustling, dude. I just love doing it, you know. So I've been doing it for about four years now, and it's just the shows get better and better,

comics get better and better. You did our live one at John Lovitz Club with Steel Panther, and you crush. It was so fun to watch. Because I've always wanted to have you, but you're always so busy or, you know, you just, the schedule didn't it, but, man, it's doing great, and it's just hustling. Just same hustle, dude.

And what about, how's my man Tebow and Punch Drug Sports doing? Great, you're a very passionate group of people. Ari, me, Tebow, it's just, you like sports and a lot of shit talking. It's been going really well, man, you know. That, the naughty show, radio show, I do a play, Boy Radio, we gotta get you back in there. You were at the old studio where

everybody used to get really banked at. We're at Playboy Radio now and it's this gorgeous studio, dude. Still in Glendale? No, no, no, dude. This shit's in Burbank now. And you have to see the studio, dude. Where's the other girl that used to do the show in the morning? What's her name? Andrew Lowe. Now, she still has the show with the guy,

correct? Yeah. Okay, and then you have a different show on there. I just want to clear you. Yeah, I'm late night. I'm Tuesday's 9 to 11. Okay. And we do it in there, dude. It's the most, you have to see this studio, did.

It is gorgeous. I've done a lot of radio, you know, and the best studio I've ever been in, it was Howard Stern's studio. And then after that is this studio. It's so gorgeous, dude. So I'm doing that. The show's going great, man. It's a really great show. This show I've always dreamed about doing dudes.

We had a great show last night. We had this guy, this local. dude named Toledo Toledo voodoo he came in did a whole song jazz set for us and man it's like it's like a real blessing to do this thing so you're happy

dude you're not rich but I'm beyond happy I really am happy these motherfuckers think that you got to be rich to be happy and they have no idea that it's got nothing to do with it man it's got nothing to fucking do it I watched the homeless guy like six years ago that I went to give him money he didn't want it because you can't do nothing for me with that $2

black dude he just dropped knowledge on me for an hour and I was blown away I even offered him food I go if you don't take the money what if I buy you a sandwich or a steak he wouldn't take and he was smiling the whole time and what about you Joey I mean you're doing everything you want to do man this is like you're a full-on juggernaut dude I mean that's how how great is that feel listen trips I'm working harder at 50 that I did at 20 fucking five remember I when I had 24 I was a thief. It wasn't that much hard work. Now, it's, it's, you know, I'm up at five.

You know, I try to write in the mornings. You know, I got the baby. I got the fucking, you know, the podcast twice a week. Then you go on the road starting Thursday. You got to take an early flight out. It's a lot of focus. I know there's no way I could be doing this if I was still doing blow. There would have been no way.

So I'm very happy about that. You know, when you see somebody else, like this guy died this week, you think of the tribulations we've had with alcohol or whatever, and you're like, how fucking lucky am I? Dude, I'm with you, man. I've had a lot of discussions with people.

There was some stuff on Facebook and how, you know, people, like, some people are like, you know, hey, dude, you should have done it, the will pop. Man, I'll tell you something, dude. What, it is not easy when you have an addiction.

I've dealt with that a lot. I've talked about a lot, you know, and just the thought of that, you can just be like, I'm not going to do this. Unless you don't understand, like, one time, Joey, I was, like, when I would get sober, man, I would get rid of all the numbers in my phone of all my drug dealers because I didn't want to do drugs. And then I would start Jonesy's had to do drugs. And I had no one to go to, you know, some of the drugs I didn't do weren't drugs.

You can just go to the Gondon store and grab drugs, you know what I'm saying? So you had to get adventurous, you know? So I didn't know who to get drugs from So I would just I would just drive around looking for hookers Because I knew hookers knew where drugs were And like I was such a fiend I once got robbed

By the same hooker twice One day Trying to fucking get these drugs And not even a lot of drugs Like I'd pay like Fucking $50 for $20 worth of drugs Just so I'd help And this bitch just kept jacking me man

And it's just like That's the kind of mentality You have to even if you know that shit might go bad. You want it so badly that you will just you'll do what you got to do. And like,

I feel for that guy, man. I mean, to have it all and still want to go out and do 50 bags of heroin. I mean, I don't know heroin. I don't know what that is in terms of drugs. It's good.

That's what is. It's fucking yummy for your tummy. Like carrots and Swiss cheese. It's fucking yummy. You do a line of heroin and you get a chick to suck your dick. You have no idea. And forget.

if she sticks a finger up your asshole or licks it you have no fucking idea what's that like you have no idea to eat pussy on heroin when you can't come and your dick stakes hard and in between oh my god and in between fucks and sucks you do a little bump of coke and you drink some fucking

you know a stoleys or a fucking it's a different world it's a different world I understand why people get hooked on heroin I fucking get it once I did it I fucking got it

I just never got into that I smoked crack one time and I was like this I remember going man you're smoking crack dude you can't smoke crack and I never did it again after that

and I never wanted to do it after that but Matt I never did heroin same thing that was the same year I never even went near it I mean cocaine no off and running I'm not going to say her name

but there was a time I think just a little after you left that man one of the common clubs that I was working in town just became just coke everywhere dude and it was coke and everyone's doing coke and everyone's, you do it blow,

you're fucking all over the place, that was my problem you know, you put those two things together I don't have a lot of skills I got stand up and be able to fuck on coke those are my two skills God gave me you know, you don't choose what skills you get those are the two skills I had

and it just was off and running, man, for a couple of years. I really derailed everything. I was working on, and I'm slowly getting it back. I was good at snorting coke and looking at your pussy. I would just look at it for hours

and wish I'd get a heart on, and I dream of all the things I'd want to do to you, and I end up fingering you, like, picking you up by your pussy and, like, a fucking piece of meat, like a hoof. It was fucking tremendous. I could not explain the rush of fucking on Coke. It's just, I think about it all the time,

you know, and it's just like something you don't want. dude, but, dude, and just like that rush is what you're willing to fucking throw everything out for is that fucking rush that comes with that. And I'm sure that dude who's just crazy, intense artist, sometimes if you're not an artist, you don't really understand how incredible we take them for granted, you know, because there's just so many actors and we see these good-looking people on TV who aren't really acting. They're just good-looking, and we lump them all together.

to see gray acting it's like it's beautiful man and just to see somebody just lost in his disease dude that guy was going that guy wanted to go on a trip dude that guy

to buy that much heroin and lock yourself in that guy wanted to go on a fucking run six dollar bags you know what man you know what made me quick and I said this the other day Tripoli is the fact of somebody finding me

that was my big thing I don't want Terry finding me there's some people like if you found I wouldn't give a fuck. You've been through hell and back. You slung dick. There's certain people that I wouldn't mind if they found me and there's certain people would break my heart if they found me

because their lives would never be the same again. Finding somebody dead on the floor will change your life forever. It will change your life forever. It will give you a look at life that you've never seen before. What if I didn't walk up on this person? This person would have been here for two or fucking three days. You know, it's a horrible feeling. Trips, when does the CD come out?

Talk to me. What's that? When does the CD come out? CBA comes out in two weeks. I just got the mix. I'm waiting on the artwork. Should be done, dude. And I'm really happy with this CD, dude.

It's about an hour of just fucking crush fest. I did it in Edmonton at the, at Tammy, Tammy Bronson's comedy club, that club up there. And I loved it, dude. I had a great time. and the comic strip in Emington is my favorite place to do comedy because you literally do everything. Comic strip and Emikin is the only place I've ever gig

where I got off stage dog, and the owners asked me to get dirtier. That's the only place I've ever gig like that. Usually I'm like, oh, man, they want clean comedy. This is not going to go well. You know, they're not the juggernaut where I can just go and go, fuck you, I do what I want to do. I took out play a little of the game, you know.

They were like, come on, just go up there, Dude, you got to get dirtier. We need you dirtier. I'm like, okay, and I'm just yelling out filthy shit for the sake of it. If I record the CD, and man, it is great. And I'm really excited about putting it out. And it should be out in two weeks, dude.

Is it going to be on iTunes? It's going to be on iTunes. It's going to be on everything. Okay. Everything. I want you to tweet me. I want you to tweet me when it comes out. So I can remind these motherfuckers of what's cracking.

Sam, I love you. I'm very proud of you. I'm proud of what you're doing. I'm proud that you're still here in the game. regardless of addictions or pussy or people fucking with you you know I love you and I got mad love for you and I'm very very proud of you

and we're going to finish these motherfuckers off like a UFC fighter all right I promise you that all day every day Joey Diaz I love you to death I could not be happier it was my own self seeing you as a fucking A-list top dog

jugging on comedy is one of the fucking most beautiful things I've ever seen I really do love you. Every time I see you, it's a fucking great moment. Oh, we just laugh. We just smile each other, and we know. There's nothing to say. We just hug each other, giggle, and we know.

All day, every day, dude. All day, every day. I love you. Give my best to everybody, right? Especially the Armenians. All right, dude. I'm going back to sleep. I love you, Joey.

Take care, buddy. I love that fucking guy. Oh, look at your pussy. That's right. I'll look at that fucking monkey. I'll think about doing things to it, but. The dick don't allow it. Sometimes you want to do things, and the dick is like,

I'm not in the mood right now. Let me give some shoutouts of some beautiful fucking people. My man, Lassie Rudd, Joey Rookland, always looking good over there. Toking Lair, always fucking throwing ideas at me, but I love you, Toking Lair. Tyler Schneider, Luke Lawrence, and Jeremy Meyer. I love you, cock suckers. I want to welcome to the fucking Dead Squad. Not really.

That's why I want to welcome to the church family. nailed it life.com. They're my boys from West New York. We have history. We have family. They've been on the podcast. They also do those gumi sermons. They have a webpage. And what they have is

these guys are really into the nailed life. They love smoking. They love poking. They love getting high. And I love them. These motherfuckers always show up with tools. I still got a vapor pen. They gave me and oil.

And I love these guys. So please support them. Let me tell you what they're going to do. You go over there. You go to the Nailed It Life They got a vapor pen there. First off, it's a high quality vapor pen. You got a one-year warranty on the fucking battery.

Again, one-year warranty on the fucking battery. You will blow clouds that your eyeballs The smoke comes out of your fucking eyeballs. That's how much smoke comes into your fucking system. Okay? So, go there. They're $50. Half the price of what's going on out there right now. Already on 50, you're getting a fucking deal.

If you go on Facebook and like them, they'll give you 20% off if you mentioned me Facebook so that means you get the fucking thing for 40 fucking bucks okay where you gonna get that action from go to nailed it life.com today right fucking now and while you're there they're not on my website if you go to joeydeers.net what you will get today is dollar shave club fucking tremendous you know what they still send me razors and sometimes you know I'm a cheap fucking juice sometimes I forget to change the razor so I got like a back result there these razors are solid

quality fucking razors okay let me tell you something why the fuck would you You stop milking, stop milking these fucking razors to debt. We all do it. We milk them to their rusty and shit like that. You don't need to do that no more. Dollar Shave Club got a dollar, a $6 program, and a $9 program on a monthly. A dollar a month will get your fucking stem and two fucking double-edged fucking razors that are so good you're going to be in shock.

That's $12 a year. That means you're fucking fixed on Dollar Shave Club. I'm not going to stress this again. I thought they were going to disappear at the end of January. They're still here. They're here through March. because you guys are responding. And if you haven't signed up for Dollar Shave Club,

you're fucking slipping. Go to Joey Dears.net. Look at the tour schedule. The T-shirts will be up soon. And while you're there, click on the fucking Dollar Shave Club box. What do they click into? Church.

Church. Or go to Dollar Shave Club. com. Click Church. Get the program. $1 a month, $6 a month, and $9 a month. Oh, by the way,

you're sick of your asshole sticking like hummus and potato chips. Get the one-white child. Your ass will stick like peppermint. It's Christmas every day. when they give you a rim job. On it, tremendous, Honit, okay? I may not be Joe fucking muscles to you guys,

but I'm getting there, okay? I'm getting strong every day, get more endurance. That's the Shroom Tech. That's the alpha brain. That's the hemp force fucking protein with the glutore on it to fucking take the soreness from your fucking muscles.

Go to Onet.com. They got to stay on it program. You get 20% off the products and they mail them to your fucking door every month. Why are we fucking going through this? Go to Onet on my page and press what? Church. Not only does Onet give it.

They give you opportunities to win sweepstakes. Go to see Rusty. Go see fucking Lawler in Dallas. And you go fucking hang out with Doche. Go to fucking Honest, the sweepstakes page. You got the February 28th. Why fuck around? My buddy, Eddie Bravo.

If you walk into any 10th planet, you mention Dead Squad, you get a free fucking month the whole month of February. For free. Learn the rubber guard. Learn the fucking mission control. Learn the zombie. Learn how to choke your fucking neighbor.

I'm sorry. You don't choke your neighbor. It's in the Bible. his wife up the ass. Nature Box. Let me tell what these motherfuckers did. They sent me a new box. Tremendous.

These rice sticks. Yeah. Tremendous snacks. Let me tell you some, man. Sometimes you just can't eat. You're in a fucking rush. You take a handful of healthy snacks. It's better than a bag of chips.

It's better. You don't have an apple. You don't have a fucking pair. They're tremendous. Go to Naturedbox.com. Today, you get 50 fucking percent off. If you mention the church. So when you go to Nature'sBox.com or go to Joey Dears.

And go to Nature's Bot. What do they press? Joey. Joey, J-O-E-Y. You get fucking snacks. You get fucking razors. You get fucking protein. You got a vapor pen.

And you got Hulu Plus. You understand me? So while you're sitting there shaving your fucking Nutsack, boom! You put fucking Hulu Plus on and you watch whatever the fuck you want to watch from Saturday Night Live to fucking original programming with Seth Myers.

I mean, I'm offering your fucking deals here. Hulu Plus. If you go to the website, you get one week for free. You take that website and you hit your grandma in the head with it. If you go to Mad Flay, you get two weeks for free. fucking free and 799 a month. What are you sitting there staring at me for, cocksuckers?

This is what I'm trying to talk to you about. I played a video, we talked about addiction, we talked about fucking comedy a day, and you're staring at there looking at me like I fucking shot you in the fucking head. Get it together, cock suckers. It's Wednesday. You understand me? It's midweek. This is when you need this fucking lump. This is when you need this fucking kick in the ass.

Midweek, you're sitting there, you have doubts in your head like fucking Jesus before they hung them. Fuck all that shit. Go for it, motherfucker. I'm going back to school tonight like Rodney and You think I want to go sit with a bunch of Mama Luke's on a fucking Wednesday night from 7 to 10? No, but at 50 I'm trying to get my life together. So if I'm fucking 50 and trying to get together and you're 22 still, I don't know what to do with my life. It's because you're fucking slipping.

Sign up for something. Join the Boy Scouts. Mug somebody. Do fucking something. Play the National Anthem League. Don't just fucking sit there. I'm sick and tidy. Look at this poor guy out here.

Look at this fucking beauty. Bang on the door. Look at that hairdo. Go fucking something. This is what I'm talking about. It's snowing out. The winter. The polar optics, the polar vortex.

The polar vortex. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Heroin's making a comeback. You're gonna get up. You're gonna grab your fucking balls. You're gonna fucking look up at your fucking God and be happy to be a fucking American. Be happy to be an American, you cock sucker.

And for you fucking foreigners, speak the language. I'm sick and tired of going to the mall and smelling your onion armpit while you're trying to give me 10% off on some perfume company. Use the perfume, you stinky fuck, or wash your fucking pussy. This is what I'm trying to say to you. It's America.

It's a beautiful day to wake up. Look at the fucking sun. You know, you don't need no fucking check and no handout from the government. That's why you're here. You need a fucking shovel, an axe, and maybe some lies. Start burying people.

I don't give a fuck what you do. But it's better than sitting there waiting for a fucking handout and taught bad mouth than your fucking country. We're the powerful, we're the most powerful fucking savages in the world. Stop with the ranch dressing. Stop with the fucking tattoos.

Grab your fucking balls. You're an American. Have some fucking pride to you, you fucking cocksuckers. I love you. These motherfuckers always complaining. Americans don't complain. We get a rifle and we shoot somebody. And if you can't do that, I don't know what to fuck the tag.

I said, all over my mouth, I'm all fired up this month. These motherfuckers, son of them, bitches. Who the fuck is calling me? Thank you for heaven. I know, no problem. I love all you fucking people. It's Wednesday. You're going to go out?

You're going to wash your pussy, you're going to shine your shoes, you're going to look good. You're going to look handsome. You're going to fucking grease your hair. You're going to shave. You're going to look at me and go, fuck, Joey. I feel like a fucking savage today. The chinks, whatever I got. They got the year of the fucking whatever.

We got the year of the savage here. What the fuck, me? What do you want me to do? Knock-knock jokes for these people's fucking Wednesday. I just love that question. Just don't know. The chinks, what are they got? They got the year, whatever.

Yeah. They got the year, whatever. What is the year of the fucking Lily? It's the year of the savage here. All right, grab your balls and ask yourself what the fuck is crackle-lacking. I don't know this image when you said hit your grandma with the website.

I just have this image of you taking a laptop and just smacking it on a lady. 20 fucking time so she gives up the will. You understand me? 20 times until she gives up the fucking will. I don't give a fucking. Whoa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. I'm going to go to kettlebell class at night.

30 I'm gonna throw some kettle balls around today I'm gonna drink a protein shake we're gonna meet with Josh Wolfe and hopefully I can meet with Brian Callan we're gonna give the people the fucking Geethers today from the office I'm gonna stop over there today and get a certified check and that's it that's how the fuck we do it here all right if you can't take a joke take a shuttle it's a church of what's happening now motherfucker this just ain't some ordinary fucking podcast that you listen to ha ha hey here here we're gonna fucking pick your mind here we're gonna make you go out there and prepare you to deal with these cock-suckers that

I want to fuck you in the ass. The church prepares you to go out there and fuck people in the ass. To look him in the face, I'm going to, oh, fuck you, motherfucker. This is what I'm doing. This is what I'm not going to do it. I'm going to do it 150%

and this is what I want. But I'm going to do it every fucking day and I'm going to be here for you. And you could count on me, you motherfuckers. That's what you do with the church. Like I said before, we don't need nothing else anymore. We need fucking character.

You see a piece of paper on the floor. Character is what you do when the lights ain't on. Character is what you do when there's nobody fucking, watching character will fucking get you through a week before my mother died she told me right to my fucking face she goes I don't do what you do with your life

I don't give a fucking if you shovel shit I don't give a fucking if you sell drugs I don't give a fuck if you take it in the ass be the best at what you fucking do be the best at what you fucking do when you go out there and the most important thing when you're about being a man is having a big dick and fucking women up the fucking ear and coming on their face

it's fucking doing the dishes and doing the little things people counting on you and that's why I get up six in the morning to show you motherfuckers. You know, we're not getting fucking rich here, but we get up in the morning to let you know that it could be done. You could fucking do it. I don't give a fuck what anybody tells you. I don't give a fuck

about statistics. I'm the ugliest ex-fellinist motherfucker out there. And I don't give a fuck. When I walk in the room, I'm fucking slinging dick like I'm fucking Jack's Teller. So that's what you... That's the word of the day. So they sling dick like you're Jack Teller.

Anything else you want to add to this cuck, second? Just chat out this new. Watch this with Ramos. This is how big of a nerd I am with Jerry Rocha. And then in about a week or two, on my website, I'm going to have some shirts where you're from Mike Maxwell and another artist. Oh, shit. Who's the other artist?

Andrew Glozwecky. He's a gamer Andrew on Twitter. He made a Hitted Lee T-shirt. Hitted Lee? Yeah. And what do you got on that? It's like a screaming skull. Some music coming out of it.

It's pretty awesome. And then Mike Maxwell made me a flying Jew t-shirt. What about the fucking juicing? I'm trying it again because it's just. just, uh, I don't know. Have you considered rubbing some carrot juice on your dick? And maybe on your ass. What makes you think I don't?

I know, you dirty, motherfucker. What did you eat for one? Did it all last night? I had the juice. You had the jujujujuice? What the fuck? Cogsuck. What kind of juice did you have last night?

The green, the green kale one. I'm going to make it as soon as you leave. Are you fucking kidding me? No, I just, it's, uh... We'll get two eggs. I'm going to give you $10. Go to Denny's. Get two eggs.

Hold the brook. Get some fruit, two eggs, and some wheat toast. That's it. You can do jumping jacks. You're going to go eat a fucking kelp. No, it's just, it's, uh, it's too hard. It's too hard with when you go start dating somebody, especially the way her mom feeds me. So I just need, I need to reset for a little bit.

It's not you. You don't do nothing. No, it is me. You just sit there and do jumping jacks. You better get to doing jumping jacks. I am. You called Jeremy? No, I'm going with Steve Simone.

Jeremy, I couldn't get in touch with Jeremy. You're going to call Jeremy. He's been looking for you. We're just giving you rope. He says going to hang you. Let me Steve Simone Steve Simone leaves three times a week You gotta do this shit every fucking day like I sold you

Would if Steve's not here You're not gonna go to the gym? No, I am But he's gonna go together He lives right down the street We're gonna hold hands on the bicycle Maybe I don't know he's a good guy

Show each other your fucking iPads Look what I'm watching What are you watching? Is that a black dick? Oh I love you motherfuckers Have a great day Have a great week

We'll see you next fucking Monday Don't forget February 22nd Ice House 930. Don't forget to go to iTunes and payloads for the documentary where I got my balls from. People have been asking me and I send them to payloads. It's amazing. You put it, every fucking day I put fucking iTunes to CD's on and every fucking day, Joey, I can't find the CD. How the fuck? I swear to God. I get fucking 10 things a day. Where's the, do you have a new I,

you have a new CD? Where is it? It's on fucking iTunes. And if not, it's on payload. 799 on iTunes with the fucking Testicle Testaments or $5 on fucking payloads. The document, you have a lot of fucking payloads. The documentaries on Amazon and fucking payloads. You can knock yourself out. They're both five bucks. I love you guys. Have a great week. Grab your balls. Salute the flag. If you got an Israeli flag, get it out of

respectfully. I'm going to get a big tattoo on my chest. I'm going to get a Jewish star with a dick coming out of the middle. With a yama on it. How's that one for you? Have a great week. I love you guys. Now that the show's over, it ain't over.

Don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus, as you binge on thousands of hit shows, anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey or go to joey-d-diaz.net And click on the Hulu Plus banner. And don't forget to sign up for Dollar ShaveClub.com. You get high-quality razor sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail.

Go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash church. or just go to joey diaz.net and click on the dollar-shaef club banner and also don't remember to go to naturebox.com and order great tasting healthy snacks at 50% off. Snacks smarter, 50, that's right. Snacks smarter than the new year with healthy and delicious treats like everything bagel chips and baked sweet potato fries. Support this podcast and get 50% off of your first order. Go to naturebox.com promo code Joey. That's naturebox.com promo code Joey. And like we said, NaileditLife.com, go to their Facebook page, go to the website.

They have all the vaporizers you'll ever need.