The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #150 | LEE SYATT & STEVE SIMEONE | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: March 28, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT..... It's Monday, March 28th.... Today, We have LEE SYATT & STEVE SIMEONE in STUDIO! This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by Better Help, Stamps.com & DraftKings.…. Go to https://www.Stamps.com Use Promo Code: JOEY for a 4 Week Trial, Free Postage & a Free Digital Scale! Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook app, and use promo code JOEY to get $200 in free bets when you spend $5… If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/MI/NJ/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP(AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org/chat  (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 1-877-770-STOP (7867) (LA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), call/text TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA). 21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA/MI/NH/NJ/NY/OR/ PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. Min. $5 deposit required. Eligibility restrictions apply. See http://draftkings.com/sportsbook for details. Go to https://www.BetterHelp.com/DIAZ Use PROMO CODE: DIAZ for 10% OFF your 1st Month! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #LeeSyatt #SteveSimeone The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

This podcast is brought to you by Onit. Go to Onit.com and look at the great selection of supplements. If you find something you like, press in code Joey and get 10% off delivered right to your house. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers, it's Monday, March to 28th from the heart of Jersey. The join is brought to you by Draft Kings, the best. Join the action on the court during the biggest college basketball tournament of the year this weekend. With Draft Kings, I know you guys been watching, we're down to the fucking Elite 8, we got St. Peter's Prep, we got Arkansas, it's over. Let me tell you what Draft Kings is doing.

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No long-term commitments or contracts. Go to Stamps.com, click the microphone on the top of the page, and enter code Joey. Now, without further ado, let's get this party started. I got Lee and Steve Simone in the house, cock suckers. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint Monday to 28th of Beautiful March. Today we have the fucking team of debt here.

We got the Catholic Steve Simone. And we got the Jew on the other side, Lee Syatt, for a fun-filled Uncle Joey's joint. The Bong is here. for fucking decoration. We can't smoke. My daughter's upstairs doing math homework.

You know how that goes? No, she's not even home. Thank God. We're all here. But thank God for fucking ABX and the filters of debt. I got a couple different companies.

I got ABX with these little fucking vapor pens. There it goes. Maybe not. Who knows? There you go. We're starting this Monday morning with a fucking bang,

cock suck. As least I have. How's it going How do you like Jersey, my friend? I love it. I don't know how you're not 800 pounds. I told you, I told you, motherfuckers, when it comes to food,

my neighborhood is this shit. You think I moved here to be a fucking X-ray? You know what I'm saying? I moved here because of the fucking food. Not that I always want to eat, but just knowing that it's there. Yep. That's what we didn't have

in that other fucking hellhole where we lived. No. Some of the food was good. We were talking about la-la's last night. Yeah. But besides that, nothing is like what I'm, I should be about 516 pounds right now. Yeah. If I'm under 10 pounds a week gain, but fuck it.

I just, uh, I had to put the discipline on, man, because I could eat. The killer is two slices a day. That means I would be at 14 slices a week. That I can't recover from a fucking 60. But two slices a week, I could recover from a couple pushups to a, three little walks and I'm okay, you know what I'm saying? But it's so quick. Like, we went to get pizza today for lunch, Steve and I, and I thought, I just forgot that

you could go places and get a slice. I thought we were going to sit down and they were going to bring out a pie. Like, I didn't, I've never, you can't sit down and eat pizza. If you can get a slice in five minutes here, I would stop more, I would get more than 14 a week back then. When I left here in 83, I was eating 14 slices a week. Metabolism was different. There was cocaine.

There was a lot of things happening. You know what I'm saying? Now I can't do those 14 slices a week. But I hope you guys understood when I said to you when we go to that pizza parlor on Selma or we go to the pizza parlor, Joe's in L.A., how everything was a prop, like they didn't do a slice. When you're advertising a slice,

you're not advertising a slice. You're advertising that I'm going to be in and out of your place in two fucking minutes. That's what a slice is. A slice is something on the move. Yeah, you go to pizza with your kids and your grandparents and you sit around and talk about the pepperoni. That's one thing.

I'm talking about when you fucking go with, you know, you're working. You're working. You have a 15 minute break. Yeah, you've got a 15 minute break. It's 2 o'clock. I ate my pizzas at 2 o'clock. Let's be honest. There's nothing better on a slice at 2 in the afternoon.

Lunch is already settled. You shit the fruit out. You know what I'm saying? The beer your head is gone. Now you're looking for something to keep you together until 6, 6.30. What better thing, the little slice, little diet. Coke. And then after you eat the slice, you go, you know what? I'll take another one. Fuck it. I'll, you know, because slices are by the day. Sometimes I go, I went to fucking Carlos

the other day and I got there and the guy goes, you want to slice or you want to wait two minutes for a sausage to come out? And I said, you know what? I wait two minutes for the saucers to come out. I walked in there thinking I was going to get a cheese. I had the flavor of cheese in my mouth, you understand me? But I ended up getting the saucers because that's the way it goes today. I went there to get one slice. Sometimes you get two. I was going to say, I thought we were going to get a cheese while you waited for the sausage. But then yours, the one we went to, you told us to go to, is across the street from a Carvel. I got a black and white milkshake. Black and white is

is my favorite going on. It's vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce instead of just chocolate ice cream as a milkshake. It just brought, like, to be able to walk from pizza to Carvel. It's nice to a deli. The place where I got you the sandwich before we had the pizzas. Yeah, we go to the Carvel. Yeah. No, it's heaven. It's food heaven.

It's the absolute best. And then you, like, I knew, like, you met us at dinner last night, and you were the, our waiter didn't say two words to us. You walk in, everyone's hot, like, you, everyone just loves you here. That's my spot. That's my Chinese place. There's a guy, I went to, I went to Chinese place with a friend of mine. They're the cop.

And he started with his bullshit. You know, this is a great place, but I think you should go to the other place down the road. And I'm like, you don't understand. I don't do that. Once I find my place, unless the other place, the chicks had firecrackers coming out of a pussy. I'm loyal to my people. Yeah. You know, everybody always says this, that, about restaurants.

How loyal are you as a fucking customer to that restaurant? Yeah. Can they count on your business every week? Or do you alternate? Do you tell people about that business? So these places that I've gotten accustomed to We're talking about Empire Sashuan That's my spot

They laugh at me Like they make fun of me When I go in there I love that When Chinese people make fun of you at a restaurant She'll call my wife And go your husband here with blonde You know

She'll do shit like that to me Like they do all that type of shit To me there With their family Who has like a friend At the like who's friends With their Chinese restaurant people And it's a good thing

Are you have to be Yeah, I've never had that. Like they're like they're your friends. They're my friends. My buddy Vince, the tomato pie I brought you, he doesn't open. He's open 15 days a year and every time I come into Philly. He's like, all right, how many pies do you need? He'll open up the business just for me.

And what do you do for money the rest of the year? He's got like a property business. He's like in the construction. These fucking pieces that Steve brought. Oh my God. With just a pie with salt. We got a slice. Tomato pie.

A tomato fucking pie. It's ridiculous. This, obviously, you must. The motherfuckers here at this show today is about food. Listen, tell fucking Guy Fierry to suck your dick and tell fucking that other motherfucker that Bobby Flay, that ignorant cock sucker. He always wins.

Nobody beats Bobby Fleigh. Nobody beats Bobby Flea. I know, like, there was a white chick on there last week that have bucked Bobby Flea up. But they always give it to Bobby Flay. It's a fixed Bobby Flay. Fuck you to fucking Food Network. I was thinking of taking something over to you,

you motherfuckers. But you always let Bobby win. And they ain't that. Even my wife stopped watching it. She goes, I'm watching this. These people are obviously beating Bobby Flet. As they're tasting it, the judge is like, this is the best.

And then Bobby comes along and fucking wins. Fuck Bobby Flai, that punk-ass bitch. Yeah, that guy with the glasses and shit. Yeah, it's a goofy fucking network. They got ugly people on there. Bobby Flee is going to wake up, and his Twitter is going to be messed up tomorrow. I'm telling you.

What do I do to Joey D? And then they always fucking get up, and they always torture like the people he's fucking going up against to throw them off. Then they make believe they do it to Bobby Flay. Like, well, let's torture Bobby a little bit. They cheer against Bobby.

Actually, I saw Delia on their one. Did you see the Leah on that once? Huh. That must have been pre before the 18-year-old ways to end. And shit. Before the bus girl said something. Delia's alive and kicking now. They're doing great.

They're doing great. So happy. For all those fucking idiots that came out, against Delea and Brian Callan. They opened up a can of worms that they didn't know they were going to open up. Obviously, they didn't think about what they were going to fucking say or whatever.

Now they realize why people shut the fuck up. Because if you say something, they're going to bring you in. It's like, I was watching the soprano. Remember that guy that was a witness and he told the cops, I'm a good citizen. I should have said something.

Then two weeks later, his name is in the paper. And he's like, I'm going to get killed by the gangsters. That's why shut your fucking mouth. You shut your fucking mouth sometimes. You want to be a fucking man. fucking playboy or a boy scout. Dude on your own fucking time. Go tie a shoelaces.

Go bring a donut to a homeless guy. What the fuck is wrong with you? But they're doing great. And you know what? I'm happy for him. A lot of people turn that back on him. He got to see where he stood in life. And once you see where you stand in life, you're fucking brand new.

You're brand new. He's got nothing to talk about, nobody to talk with. Fuck you. You said shit about me on Twitter. And he moves on. I check him with Daly all the time. I'm still tired with him. I love him.

He loves being a dad, he's a family. His parents are awesome. Like, I love that. Come on, man. What happened was he was fucking people when he was being a dick. You're like, when a chick sucks your dick, you're like, oh, you're finished, get the fuck out of here.

Can't do that for these chicks. These chicks actually think that they want to get married to you or something. So it was just a bad situation. I'm happy we all moved down from that. I'm happy all the stupid shit that people are saying, fucking everybody moved down from it. Now you see. Now you see why we're the way we are.

Now what are you got? Now you got comedians that aren't going to fucking talk to you. Yeah. That's what you got now. Comedians that aren't going to fucking talk to you. They're scared. I know a comic, no names. He said he will never do another meet and greet.

He doesn't give a Frenchman's fuck. Yeah. Because God forbid you touch somebody wrong, whatever. So that's what you get now. That's what you get. You want to complain about comedians. You know, that's why. Dog, and there was some creepy shit.

I got, I took a picture with a fucking. I told you about that. Three years ago I went to like Toledo. I went to Toledo, Ohio. Was that what you, the Toledo? Okay. Yeah.

The Funny Bone in Toledo. Yep. What, four fucking years ago, five fucking years ago. In between, I dug, it was so long, I don't even fucking remember. I took a picture with a fucking, I was in the lobby in the hotel. Like about five, a no-no on a Saturday. Especially in a small town, because everybody knows. you're at that hotel.

Gotcha. I went out for dinner. It was a smaller hotel. They didn't have room service. Usually for dinner at any hotel on Saturday, I just have room service because you don't really want to go out. I do all my shit early.

I go to the gym. And then I go up to the room about four, watch TV for a little while. And then I didn't do that that day. I went out. When I came back, they were checking in. Now, she was really attractive. And so was he.

They were a young couple. They were like 32. Yeah. She took a picture of me. He took a picture of me. Then they both took a picture of me. Never thought about it again. Yeah.

Hi, goodbye. They said I was very approachable. Whatever. Two years later, I'm getting a fucking email. Looking for my address. He was filing for divorce, and he used one of my pictures with the chick to say she was cheating on him. That's terrible.

Do you know what I'm saying? So now I've got an answer to an attorney and all that stuff. Wait, wait a minute. Yeah, the attorney might hit me up. we have oh my god so with all that shit now how do you feel after that do you want to you know how do you want my behavior to be after that you know UFC fighters are taking pictures of people they would say get me in a headlock and a year later they're getting sued because they said when you got them in that lock you hurt their fucking neck and it's such

because like the vast majority like 95% of people we meet or I've met through this have been so cool. Very cool. But the crazy have gotten crazier. And it's just, it's not, it's just not worth it. Like, as much as it would suck to be like, I can't take a picture,

but it's like, is this the one time I take a picture and someone says I did something? Or even yesterday, some guys, first time in six months, anyone said anything to me about the church. Them guys stopped me at a gas hit, but they literally pulled over. They weren't even really in a spot.

They left the car running. And I was like, am I about to get fucking, like, Like, stabbed yourself. Yeah. Like, I'm nowhere in the middle of nowhere in Connecticut. But so, like, you think about it now. I get it. And mine is a hundredth, a thousandth of what you're, like, I said last night as a joke to, like,

how often do you get recognized? Because it happened last night when we were out. And your wife was like, oh, every day. Like that, that's a little bit much. That must get a little bit old. No, you say a lot of people. There's some people who are, last night was in the restaurant. No, Friday I went to a restaurant in Coltsnack.

And I thought I got 12 kids and I got 12 adults. You know, I got like six sets of parents and we're sitting. We just come from a flag football game. And we're sitting there. We're having a good time with the kids. And all of a sudden a guy comes in with kids and they stop because the waitress is there. And I make eye contact with the guy. And he looks at me and I go, what's happening?

He goes, how are you doing, man? He goes, I love you in the longest shot. He shook my hand. And he kept moving with his kids. Great people, yeah. That's it. He goes, that's mercy. I go, yeah.

I listen to the podcast. He walked away. He was going to say, good people make it easy to be nice to them. Good people make it easy. They make it easy. They make life easy. But then there's problem people. Then I got two kids around me.

I got the, my daughter sitting on me, and I got the neighbor girl busting my balls because my pants were short and they could see my ass crack. So the neighbor girl kept saying, I'm going to throw pennies in there, Mr. Diaz. And also some kids. and some kid goes, you Joe Diaz? And I'm like, no, you got the wrong guy. Just because I knew what he wanted. When you see a guy with two kids, he was excited.

He was very excited. He was young. And I knew he was going to hang there. He might even slip and say, where's the reefer out or something? I'm sitting next to a cop. He's a detective. He knows I get high, but I don't want to slam it in his face. Right.

So I go, no, no. And he goes, everybody, fucking, you know. You look just like him. Anybody ever tell you that? And the detective goes, I tell him all the time. They look just like Joe Diaz. He won't listen. And everybody's laughing at the table.

And the guy's like, man, you look just like Joey. I didn't do that because I was a scumbag. I did it because I know that it was going to open. The other guy had kids with him. And he was just like nice, you know, whatever. Polite. I love talking to people. I love, listen, I'm a chatty.

You know what I'm saying? Like, I love talking to people. So you're cool with me and you approach me to right. right way. I'll talk to you for 10 fucking years. The other day I went to Lobodies. End up talking to some guy out there for fucking 20 minutes about CGI.

Yep. You know, he just, he came up to me. He's like, I'm in high school and I want to learn, he goes, when they shot in the Sopranos, did they really, and we talked. He didn't want to take a picture. He didn't give a fuck about comedy. Polite. Polite. And respectful. Respectful. That, like, I remember

being in a bar, I wasn't even drinking, but I was like five years ago or whatever, bartender's slammed and uh you know i catched the aisle and i said excuse me i can say that you're busy but when you have a chance may please get a diet coke with no i said the guy goes what i said i understand you're busy i go but when you please just to die of coke and he went you know what whatever you want it's free i go what he goes order whatever he wants he goes you're the only polite person we've had in here in a year he goes whatever you want i got it like because people don't do that anymore there's no more common courtesy i think that over the with the

the last two years. I think, you know, man, I call it like a mental health issue because maybe I had a little bit of mental health issue. But at times, when you see all these planes and stuff, I was thinking about the planes that it was people have been in the house too long and they forgot how to act. That was just a stupid excuse.

I know that the planes, you know, when I did the plane to Austin, just the amount of times the fucking lady told me to put the mask on, even though I had my mask on, and, you know, she can't put it on. They had, like, a recording. I wanted to get up and punch myself in the fucking face. Never mind, punched, like, the stewardess,

or I didn't want to punch none of them in the face. I wanted to punch myself in the fucking face because it was so fucking annoying. Yes. You know, right now, people, for a long time, people didn't know where their money was coming from. Yes. You know, we were talking about L.A. before.

These people were paying $2,000 a month rent. They didn't pay rent for a year and a half. You're all your landlord 40 fucking Gs. Yeah. Yeah, it's a lot of money. You know, 40 fucking cheese. You're never going to get out of that. Trust me, I was down 100 G's.

That's 10 fucking years. Yeah. That's 10, you're down 100 G's, that's fucking... Forget it. 10 years with all your bullshit. Because you got to remember, you have rent. Do you see that thing? Steve Harvey was paying the government?

$450,000 a month. Did you see that shit? Wasn't it because, like, his accountant sold, like, $20 million from him? His accountant stole money. He said he was filing taxes and didn't file the taxes. Oh, my goodness. And then he died. And then, like, yeah, you owe us 20 years back taxes.

Not 20 years. I don't know how long. It was a long time. For you to owe $450,000 a month, that's a lot of money. And he goes, I paid that. It's no wonder is that judge show now. No, that's what he said. He goes, I did everything.

I didn't turn down anything. I was not a position to turn down anything. Wow. He goes, I just worked. And he goes, I bumped into a contract that was big and that paid a bulk of it off. but $450,000 a month and still pay for your car payment because that shit don't stop.

Yeah, life doesn't stop. Groceries, like... And they don't have a Toyota, which is still expensive. They don't have a fucking pay. We had someone come on the podcast once who was very nice, but like not a known person. And they came in and they was talking about

like a $2,100 one bedroom with a $900 a month Mercedes lease. Oh. and I was like, what are you talking about? And they were there for like, they were new to L.A. A $900 a month car? My buddy Wally was in L.A. for a month and like, you know, you meet idiots when you're first there and like on an acting class, whatever.

The guy was living in a studio apartment and he was driving a Ferrari. He was leased in a Ferrari and living in a studio apartment, parking it on the street. That's L.A. Gross. It looks good for nobody. People have no idea that Anybody watching LA Lakers show on HBO

HBO Max? Pretty fucking good show The Making of the Lakers I'm gonna tell you something I like Thomas C. Riley That's his name. He was a boogie knight. John C. Riley has always

to me been a good actor. Yeah, me too. I met him once. I didn't really say anything to him. Hi, nice to meet you. But let me tell you something. He's always been like a mediocre actor in my world, even though people put him on a pedestal for years,

when you see him playing Jerry Bus, Dr. Bus. Is it great? That show's great. Me and my wife watch it religiously at 901. That's awesome. But what was I going to get there? We were talking about. We were talking about people's bills.

All the sadness people are carrying with them. Just be nice. Like you were talking about the people approaching you. Yeah, bills. And all the stress people are under. And I realize that now. Like go out of your way just to be a little bit. nicer to people you know what i mean because people i will say one thing i love about jersey philly

this east coast when you're nice to people they immediately give it back to you like they're so grateful like the guys in the pizza place they were so like excused we said please and excuse me and the guy kept on checking in on us how do you like it he gave us the bigger size arancini balls than what we paid for like they take care of you you know what i mean like you put good out there you get good back But then at a certain point, I did a lot of podcast for real estate agents in L.A. In Beverly Hills. I did two different ones.

And I would go and record sometimes at like these really beautiful houses. But like the houses in Beverly Hills didn't really, I never felt comfortable on them. They never feel like a home at all. And like it was, the numbers would blow you away. Like a $2 million house for them was like a starter house. Yeah.

All houses were like 10 million, 12 million. It's like if I could live, live in a $600,000 house and not have to work versus have to do a show I might not want to do but live in a $12 million house. It's like maybe you should just live in a regular house and retire. Yes. Do whatever you want. Less stress.

Like why do you have this like 12 bedroom estate? I don't know. I never like. If you know anything about me, I love doing stand-up and I love work and doing movies. I never like the estate. attention people in that field get. You know, meanwhile, fucking surgeons are saving lives. Yes.

And nobody talks to them. Nobody wants to take a picture with them. Nobody wants to do nothing. Nobody has a picture of them, a baseball card, nothing. Yeah. You know, and all that's great. I never liked that, if you know anything about me, I never liked the fucking somebody bringing me water.

Right. That just wasn't for me. So when I left, when I left L.A., It was an easy unwind for a guy like me. Me too. I wasn't tied up with a publicist. I wasn't going to premieres. I did not.

And now I feel like, you know, we're talking about the Comedy Store 50th anniversary, which is on April 7th. Comedy Store is a big part of my life. I wouldn't have a wife if it wasn't for the store, a kid, a career, nothing. I mean, and it's really painful for me to think about going there. Like, I'm like,

I'm not in that world anymore. That's not my world more more. You know? You're so much happier. That was, I mean, because we've talked Yeah. Over the past year and a half. But like, seeing you, like, when you came up with Mercy and Terry last night,

it's just like, how happy. Like, I told Steve Stan, it was like, I'm so happy that you're so happy. Yeah. Like, it's like, it's just noticeable. It was time to get out of that guy. For me, it was. I liked being a stand-up comic.

Me too. I liked everything that came with it, but somewhere along the line, it went south for a guy like me. It just went south. I wasn't enjoying what I was doing anymore. I can't believe that I sacrificed this part of my life to be a stand-up, and all of a sudden I didn't want to do it anymore.

It was very hard for me to, I think, to comprehend and process it, and I struggle a lot with it, but it's, you know, and I kept telling people last year, oh, by next July, I'll be on stage, you know, by next April, this, whatever I'm going through, no. I pulled away from it even more. Like I pulled away from it even more I'm enjoying watching movies again

Just for a movie Not to look at it to see who the actor is Right Who cast this? I always knew That when I did The Sopranos I always had a funny feeling That was gonna be my last movie

Like I always just had a funny feeling Like I did, we crashed And whatever else I did something for Greg Garcia and stuff But I don't know I just this was a perfect way to unwind for me. Like I needed this.

You know, I'm happy that Lee's doing and looks like a fucking star. Thank you, but I mean, when I pulled up at the Chinese restaurant and I could see him from behind, I was like, wow, look at fucking Lee. You know, for people who don't know, you know, we were talking about it before,

I mean, there was a day I went looking for these two fucking humps. And I'm driving on Magnolia, and I make a left onto fucking Coenegovangelo. whatever that was. Tunga. And I's Kahunga. And I see Lee, I see Simone walking like, you know,

Johnny, you know, tip-top, Magoole, nowhere. He's taking a stroll. And I go, what the fuck is Lee? And Lee looks like fucking the guy from, you know, what's the guy that rings bells? Quasi-Modagh. He's like, his whole left side was stuck. He looked like the guy in Splash when he shot himself with the Knova Kane.

What's that dude? And whatever was ripping him out of there, Tom Hacks and he's like hold on what a week come out Lee Lee was just discombobbly I hated it and I go this cannot It was hot I was 300 something I was so concerned we would have We would talk yeah

Joey and I would talk And like I was so concerned And then when I started to see the weight come off But to see it in person I'm so proud of you guys I'm happy for you happy yeah happy for you Yeah it just I don't I don't know I just wasn't ready

I guess. But it wasn't the food. Like I was telling my wife before, guys, we were in a time capsule. You know, in LA, we were just in a time capsule. And there was so much going on, but then again, there was nothing going on.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like, there was a lot going on. I got to go to the store. We got a podcast. We're going to get the guys from the food fighters this week. You know, there was a lot going on,

but there was nothing going on. Yeah. And we were in, and as fucked up as this sounds, I don't want you to think whining or anything. We were having a time of our life. Looking back right now,

anybody who went in there, and you guys are seeing it. When you watch the old episodes, D.O. doing mushrooms, acid church, fucking Owen Benjamin, walking to Tuscahanna. He's still walking, that motherfucker.

You know what I'm saying? We didn't have an idea. We didn't know what we were doing, but for you people who were at home watching, yeah, it was a party, but it weighed a lot. You know, he wasn't sleeping. I wasn't sleeping.

You know, I remember waking up in the mornings and going to piss and with my dick in my hand Just and to you guys it was a different I wasn't being a hypocrite I was just doing my job for you guys I was having a great time But I still remember in the mornings waking up going I can't believe I got two spots at the store tonight Yeah Like I can't fucking believe I got two spots at the store tonight like my day is not gonna be over To 11 o'clock at night Yeah

And when you're a comedian, when you're a musician, when you're a singer, when you're a blowjob, whatever the fuck you do, whatever the fuck you do. I mean, Mike's a musician. You know, Mike, if I told you you were playing a gig tonight at 8 o'clock, what time would you get there? Four in the afternoon, you know. We were talking about Steve. When you're a comic, you hate the daytime. When you're a real comic, you fucking hate the daytime.

There's nothing going on a daytime that's got anything to do with you. Jobs, courts, gyms, no, that shit. When you're a comic, you can't wait. You want to wake up at the quarter of eight, somebody throw you in the shower and just throw you to do, because that's all you think about all day. When I, listen, when I did comedy until 2007, when I woke up in the morning, this is all I had on my mind.

Two things. How many shows do I have tonight? and how am I going to get a gram of Coke tonight? Nothing else. I didn't think about eating. I didn't think about fucking. I didn't think about sucking. You think about two things.

Where am I getting on stage tonight? And how am I getting the grandma blow tonight? That's what you think of when you're in a comic, the first 10 fucking years. If you're thinking about something else, you're not doing it right. If you're thinking about your wedding or, I can't wait to see what Kim Kardashian is doing. It's not going to work out for you.

If you give a fuck about Pete Davidson, It's not going to work out for you. All you got to give a fuck about in the morning when you're doing comedy is to get on stage. Am I right? That's it. Well, how scary is it, though? Because, like, now that I've had a day job for a while, I can't imagine, like, working a full 9, 10-hour day and then doing standard. Like, that's a lot.

And it's also, like, how do you, like, because you eventually have to make the switch to not doing a day job. But if you're not making that much money. Oh, it's terrible. Oh, my God. Plus, I had to work. Like minimum wage day jobs because they were flexible. In case Joey said you want to come out on the road with me. In case, Polly said I have two weeks.

We're going to go on a tour of the Midwest for two weeks. You can't have a job like yours with real responsibility. Are they actually flexible? Or do you just like have to get new jobs all the time? Because like, I'm just going to quit this job. No, the nice lady at the gym. Remember the Hollywood gym where I worked? She always kept a job for me.

Oh, that's nice. Okay. The pizza places that I worked at. My buddy Jules at the slice. Yeah, they'd be like, they were like this is why you're here. go do it yeah so I've worked at pizza places gyms and then telemarketing but it's exhausting

because you would have to work two different jobs you're not making overtime anywhere you're not getting any benefits and then you're getting up on stage at 10 o'clock at night with either working comics that have been sleeping all day or like rich I didn't realize how many people in LA were just rich kids that didn't have to work

that's all they did with just like you know an open mic that was their job they'd work three minutes a day And then I was, it was exhausting. You know, when I got into comedy, I worked the first, like, three years. I was paying attorney fees and rent and all that shit. But by, like, 95, I'm like, fuck work.

Fuck my credit rating. Fuck all you, motherfuckers. You know, for years, because all your life, you're going to be worrying about. Listen, when you get into comedy, you're a fucking nomad. When you get into music, you're a fucking nomad, okay? You know, when you become a librarian, there's a lot of fucking librarians. But when you become a comic, you might be the only comic in your fucking neighbor or your fucking state or whatever. So, like, by the fourth year, all my focus was on stand-up.

Why are you going to get a job for? What are you going to get a job for? Somebody come up to you. What's this today's special? The Laugh Factory. Right. That's what happens. When you have a day job and you're a comedian or you're a musician and you've got a gig that night, that's all you're looking for.

Yeah. If I would have had a family, I would have had to have a day job, go home, put the kids to sleep, whatever, help my wife, or whatever the fuck had to do. And then, hopefully, somebody's got a spot for you at 9 o'clock. Yeah. It's a great life. I mean, if you make $60,000 a year in your day job, whatever, selling insurance, an office job, an economist, you could still put together another 10 Gs a year at night working comedy. Oh, yes. You could do the weekends.

I worked with a couple guys that were fucking hilarious. in Denver. One black guy, particularly, I forget what his name was. I loved him. He was a fucking attorney. Wow. So at night he would have,

and you want me to tell you what his joke was, my favorite joke he had. He was a black dude, really handsome dude. Cool, I forget what his name is. God, forgive me. But he would have his clothes. It was, you guys liked the Godfather.

And people go, yeah, we like the Godfather. He goes, this is my impersonation of Vito Corleone. And he would turn around and put the cotton balls in his mouth and then he turned back around and he go somebody fucked up my teeth

that was the impersonation and you know I used to love that goofy shit I love silly and it got funnier you saw you probably saw that he would do that shit somebody fucked up my teeth

that's awesome he would have the cotton balls in his side and shit fucking tremendous but that guy made great money. I still remember doing Wyoming with him. Like a Friday. He picked me up like a six. We got to do like a hundred miles an hour to get to the gig by eight.

You know, he had a suit on. And he was telling me, because I work like two weekends, local. You know, like that. In Colorado back then, yeah, you have your comedy clubs, but you also have like the Poconos would do comedy on Fridays and Saturdays. They know, you know, that you. You know, they hire local guys. Yeah.

I was telling you that there's a restaurant in Manalapan, maybe, I think, on the 79 Stacks. Fucking tremendous breakfast. If you get a minute to go to Stacks, get the fucking pro dish. Oh, my God. It's a little dish they give you. What do you have, like, a Denny's, those disgusting things? Grand Slam? No, no, the other one that comes with a dish, and they put the two eggs on top,

and you're supposed to cut it up. Denny's was the fucking known for all those places. They have those. Hash. Moon over Miami is not bad. That's my shit. Moons over Miami. But they have those things, where they put potatoes.

A skillet? A skillet. A skillet. There we go. Dog. I'd never like the skillet. Like, I went to a diner. Somebody referred me, a dear friend of mine,

referred me to a diner. They have a... What's the little potatoes? Tater tots? Tater tot. They have a tater tot. I know my breakfast. Dog, they got a tater tot.

I don't think you're... I don't even think you would like it. It's only for fat people. I love tater tots. But let me take it. No, no, no. It's not tater tots. How dare you say I don't like tater tots?

It's tater tots with sausage, peppers, home fries, topped with like six different types of cheese. Yes, please. Little bacon bits, ham, sausage, and fucking, it's disgusting. And then they put two eggs on top of that. Covered with fucking cheese. I mean, it's too much. It's too much.

I don't like it. In fact, I ate it one time. and I was supposed to drive Mercy to the wreck or something. I go, Mercy, we got to stop at home. She's like, why? I'll tell you when we get out. I destroyed that little fucking bathroom. Ink was coming out of it, the whole fucking deal.

But Stax has a fucking pro dish. It's called like Protein Player of Pro. It's filet mignon chunks with potatoes, green peppers, red peppers, and they give you the eggs on the side with two pieces of wheat toast. Oh, that sounds good. Stop it.

But my point is they do comedy there. Oh, sorry about that. My point, they do comedy there. And those are the places you do. Like for me, if I ever got into it, if I had a weird bug up my ass, I would start with just Jersey. There's six comedy clubs in Jersey.

That's 12 weekends a year. Yeah. That's six comedy. You do February, March, April, then see you. I'll see you in November. You do November, December, and you're done for the year. That's it. That's what I would do.

I would just do local things because I'm not getting on a fucking plane every week. I get car sick guys. And my car sickness is 50-50. So what if I drive somewhere and I get sick? I can't go on stage.

I can't go on stage. It happens to me once a fucking week. Emotion sickness patches. It's something. I'm doing something. I think it's my vision. At night. I think it's my vision at night

Every week I tell my wife We gotta go to Costco this week But it's like everything else Everything else is on the back burner I'm having a hard time driving at night It sucks now Like it sucks I hate driving at night

Do you? Yeah Like I never know That was the worst part about driving After an edible in L.A. Because the headlights I don't know what lane they're in I'd be terrified to merge

I would just stay in the one lane because I'm going to kill myself. I have to stay in the right lane and get off and so I can't Jesus Christ Remember the spray? We don't have to spray no more now

Oh thank God The knife and shit And I got the garlic I ate the garlic pills this morning So they're processing right now In the stomach The garlic pills will be ready We'll be farting

Getting you in the corner I got to figure out the corner The same chair It's the same chair Yes I know it is. I saw the, like, the seat is disintegrated. When I wiped the seat, it was brown by the ass part.

From all the farts that had gone in. Dude, for years, we did the podcast twice a week, and you ate fish twice a week. You would have salmon and garlic pills and come over and just, and then we switched chairs so you were right next to me so I couldn't move. At least when you're on the end, I could kind of like move away from a little bit. Those are the best. I used to get you in the corner that would. And honest to God, how many farts have I farted since we started this podcast? I mean, honestly, about 10 maybe, but I only smelled about three.

Yeah, it's been tremendous. My system has changed. It's the air in L.A. that was polluting my asshole. See, the thing is, you've heard 10. He also has silent ones. Because I would only know he farted because he would do this. He'd go, move over the side. It didn't always make a sound, but he just...

He would... Like, I learned to like, okay, if he starts, like, shifting in his chair, like, huh, I got to run. I have, like, PTSD. Like, I have to run away. I think people are going to fart on me all the time. Oh, my God, you farted so much.

That's why you hit the flies. But I have to say, that might have been the flies. But there were flies. I still say it was because of the freaking... The dumpster at the office complex, but of course The dumpster was your neck, cucks It was not

My neck smelled Probably not green When was the last time you ate hummus? I can't What? Oh yeah The birthday video Yeah

There's too many calories in hummus I do it though When was the last time you saw a fly When you stopped eating hummus No I was still fat When I was There's no flies The flies bring hummus

What else attracts flies Shit Right? When you take a shit and you put it on the floor, what comes to it? I've never done that. So if you eat hummus and flies are attracted, what do you think is in that fucking hummus?

Shit, Arab shit. Like some fucking terrorist took a shit and grinded it down. I watch a lot of those cooking shows. They put in the food processor and they put in the fucking hummus or some shit. Maybe that's why they're not beating Bobby Flynn. But that's why you don't have flies. Oh, my God, a spirit touch me.

That's why you don't have flies anymore because you don't eat hummus anymore. more. The hummus has a little granulated shit in there. I love hummus. Not anymore. It's so good, though.

No, it's not. It smells. I saw there's a kebop place near you. I saw it today. Where? I don't know. There's a couple Mediterranean places. I'm going to tell you what the deal is here,

okay? The nine is tremendous. The only fucking restaurant in the nine that violates to Joey Dia's code is fucking as a Jersey Mikes, which I haven't figured out of light them on fire. I thought I was a Jersey Mikes guy. Now what's what happened?

it's canceled? Once you live in Jersey. Right, right. You're not allowed to go to Jersey, Mike. That's the plan. You know many fucking Italians came over here in a bathtub to open up a sandwich place

and you're going to go to fucking Jersey mics to get your fucking ham and cheese? Not even a person from Jersey in Jersey Mike. They're all from Rhode Island, the fucking Connecticut or fucking Delaware. Nobody from Jersey is even allowed to work at Jersey Mike. The food is so fucking bad.

And I got to be honest with the fucking Philly cheese steak with the works is not bad. At Jersey the Kahuna or whatever it is? Yeah, the big Kahuna is not bad. I love in Florida. I go to Jersey Mike. It's hard to keep track of the rules, Mike.

Like sometimes you're like, wait. I thought, is Jersey Mike's going to Arbara? You can't go unless you get the cheese stage. Can I fucking go to Jersey Mike? You can't get DoorDash. I'll yell at you for that too. Why would you want to go to DoorDash? Especially now.

They dip their fingers in your pizza. I'll show you a kid that does DoorDash. He comes over here every day. Like I see him. You tell me if you ever want to order food from the outside again. I did it one day last week. Did you order food from Dorday? I danced.

Oh, you dashed. Did you dip your fingers on anybody's pizza and take a pepperoni out of respect? Take a pepperoni. Oh, I would do that to everybody's pizza. Everybody's pizza. I'd take one of those little pepperonies off, maybe a big chunk of cheese off. Oh, God. Oh, yeah.

I used to deliver Chinese food and sell Coke. If you don't think when somebody would order egg rolls or spare ribs, I was the happiest man on earth. Those spare ribs always got there late. I was a cheap pack. I would have counted. If I was missing an egg roll out of my order, I would have been pissed off.

Oh, I always ate something. If you order a shrimp dish, I took a little shrimpie. There's only four, and now you're getting three. You know what I'm saying? I don't give a fuck, so that's why I don't order food

because I know what disgusting people do, and I'm disgusting. I was a disgusting delivery driver. If I liked you, I didn't do anything for your food. I never pissed in food or anything like that. I just wanted to sample it. You know what I'm saying?

Maybe I don't want to buy a whole fucking food. You buy it and I just take a little potato on a pizza. It would be hard. I was in Steve's car last night after that pizza was in it all day. Yeah, tomato pie. I can't imagine being around a pizza delivery driver or a Chinese delivery driver all night. Be hungry and not, maybe I have one. I get, but I can't see, I'm the kind of, like, naive that I can't live like that.

Like how people, like, they take the top sheet. off at hotels. I can't live in it. And they're like, we do that because they don't change that sheet. I can't live in a world, but I don't think they change that sheet. I have to trust that they're not going to fuck you with you that much.

I can't live in a world. I love you to death. But every place I go, I assume the worst. When I look at a cook, I can tell that guy picks his ass. And it's my choice to eat his food or not. Like when I go to Lees Fried Chicken, right, I can tell those brothers, have him wash their hands.

They got crack particles on their fingers and shit. Now, I can complain. But in my world, that adds to the fucking flavor the chicken. Do you know what I'm saying? So I'm a hypocritical type of dude

when I come to that shit. I go to a nice restaurant. I see a couple of Mexicans. I know they're Catholic. You know what I know the food's Catholic. I know we got a shot. You know what I'm saying? We got a shot.

We got a fucking shot. But there's like last time I went to a restaurant that, listen, when we go out with the parents, We can't go to a good restaurant because we go in that 30 deep. Wow. So they got to push it away and move people,

so we can't do that. So we got to go to a place that takes 12 people. Like last night, like I said, we were 30 deep. It was 12 and, like, yeah, we were like 26 deep. So we got to go to these fucking restaurants that take the reservation. Went to a place last night. It was okay if I lived in California.

Right. I lived in fucking, you know, up north somewhere, you know, up north there's spurs. But now I'm watching diners, dives in a automobile. And they got a ton of food in fucking Bakersfield. Now that I left, like now I'm seeing all these great restaurants and Bakersfield. But then you have to go to Bakersfield. Yeah, but who the fuck is going to Bakersfield? Not I, not I.

So fucking, you know, I go to this place last night. My wife was still hot about it this morning. But again, I got to yell at it. my wife was bitchy because the mojito wasn't right and the fish and chips I go would you order a fucking mojito from a bunch of fucking rednecks that's what you get

this is a jack and coke type bar or a fucking beer you order a mojito look at the fucking bartenders look at them they got shit you know and then she ordered the fish and chips they burnt the fish to the fucking crisp

so when I went in there the lady goes listen we're running behind tonight we're going to be a little late so I knew I had to jump on an appetizer I was hungry but it was Friday he can't eat fucking meat.

But yesterday, you should have called me. There was a dispensation yesterday. I know. I didn't eat meat. I know you ate chicken over at the Chinese. Yeah, because I confirmed it online and with my mom. Because it was a solemnity. You know what?

Everybody makes mistakes and they'll eat a piece of meat. I just try to, since I don't give up nothing for lent, I just try to really stick to the fucking no meat on Friday. So I said, what's the safest fucking appetizer around here? I went with the French onion soup. That's as safe as could be Unless the cheese is bad It's brown brought some bread

And a fucking piece of cheese That's what I'm right time And it's good I've been starting to eat it since I'm back here I love my soups on the East Coast So I fucking ate that I mean guys there was nothing on that dish On that menu

I wasn't a move for salmon I just had salmon Wednesday So I ordered something against my core Paella How was it? I didn't show blood the next day, so the seafood was obviously good.

Had a couple of muscles. It was like three-inch lobster tails. When I pulled the lobster meat out, you could see that it was black. Like it was... What? They got it from the Hackensack River. But I took a chance.

Columbus did. I'm not a pussy. You know what I'm saying? It was $30 for that pie. I got to get mine, bitch. So I fucking ate the lobsters. I ate the shrimp. I ate the clams.

I ate a couple of mussels. And I ate a couple of rice. The rice wasn't bad, but they had a ton of chorizo. I love chorizo. Not that chorizo or not the chorizo they put in. Chorizo's supposed to add to the texture of the paella. It's not supposed to overpower the pie. It's a seafood dish.

Not a fucking sausage dish, okay? Yeah. They had 29 pieces of sausage. I don't know. I just ate around it. I didn't get sick, but everybody there two nights ago was like, fuck, the food sucked. You got to know what to order at these places.

That's a hamburger joint. That's what that is. It's a bar hamburger joint. St. Peters was on. You know what I'm saying? I'm nervous about tonight. We're going to get Italian because I've gone to... There's two stories with him in Italian food,

and him getting mad at what I ordered. When we came to shoot the documentary, we went to his favorite Italian place, and I ordered Ravioli. And we're in Jersey now. I can just stab you and throw you in the weeds. So you better order the right motherfucking foods. And apparently Ravioli's not right.

And then... And then we went to the North Hollywood Diner once. Oh, my God. And I ordered spaghetti meatballs. Oh, my God. Hollywood dining. Oh, my God. That voice is disgusting.

And you stumped, and he stumped the Mexican. He stumped the Mexican. The man. Look, he need a meatball. I don't know what to do. He fucking just took chili. He just took chili. I asked him.

I'm not lying. He took chili and threw it on noodles. And he goes, maybe. And he gave it till he, I'm like, he don't eat it. It was just noodles with chili. It was just chili. Like, they even had a bean in there and shit.

It was water. Last time I checked, fucking Skikini don't have beans in it. All right? Oh yeah. The North Hollywood diner. It was a diner. I thought you get spaghetti meat for ice. No.

That was, they were good for breakfast. Oh, yeah. And those two pieces of bacon, you better pray that it didn't give you a bore. Real quick, boars meat. My wife gets it.

My wife gets fucking, you know, Oscar Meyer, the thick, fancy cut one. Yeah. And every once in a while you got boars meat that motherfucker. It tastes fucking terrible.

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So we figured it's time to go to church. there's four 200s and one 100 pick the 100 it's the lighter color one pick the 100 it's the lighter color one what are you talking about that's not even really you're saying oh

no it's just the poor mouth what you mean no they're not they're burning trust me I know everything in here is going to be the same amount just fucking eat one

what you think Jesus Christ don't worry here you go you're going to you motherfuck It's been a while This I ate ABX

On the camera It hasn't been a while And you know what It's Monday morning You can't walk on one leg Cocksuckuckers Let's get this party started Right

Look at my eyes From last night I ate 1,200 milligrams Last night My eyes haven't been This red since 1980 When I ate the Quailoo's with Diti And I drank the poo

Popca Look at my fucking eyes My wife said this eye so red. It took 20 years to fucking restore the veins in the eye and after one night with ABX kaput. You understand me? Fucking look at my eyes.

They're still fucked up from last night. Oh my God. I smoked a little bongy woo before but nothing seriously. You used to say that every once a month you'd like no more edible and then three hours later that'd be edible. He'd call me like

no more adibles today. What is that? We change every day. This is White Truffle. Oh, snap. The third in the series from fucking laughing gas. Look how beautiful this is. Oh, that's yours?

Yeah. Beautiful. Yeah. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Cocksuck suckers.

It's Monday cock suckers. The ice cream shop, white truffle, rainbow rugs, and cocoa is waiting for you, motherfucker. Delicious. So how's Florida, Steve Simone? I'm loving it. You like your new life in Florida. You're like living with mom.

You got your little comedy gigs. Yeah, it's great. It's a peaceful, easy life. I'm getting a little bored right now. But overall, so happy. It's just easier. Life's easier. I moved my parents in.

I got a little backyard. It's great, you know? Like, I'm going to plant a little garden. That's the next move. That's the guinea garden. I don't know anything about fucking planted. Leave it a while, but I got to figure it out. When are you going to get a pizza one?

A pizza oven. Oh, I'm going to get the pizza oven. That, oh. Yeah. Oh, I got to give you a fucking pizza, personal pizza from Carlos. Oh, I can't. You got to taste these motherfuckers, man. They taste like the oven.

That's why you reminded me. When I used to be in Boulder, Lidio, on Saturdays he used to take a stone oven to farm his markets. Nice. And make your pizzas, this pizza from Carlos, the personal pan tastes exactly like that. Tremendous. With some basil in that motherfucker. Oh, fresh basil. I drank that water, that capsule hit my stomach and my intestines blew up that cancel.

I just came up with a little ABX fucking burp. Tremendous, ladies and gentlemen. It's a Monday morning. It's going to be a good week. Fucking April Fool's on Friday. Is it really? April fucking fools already, cock suckers. We've gone to the first quarter of the year.

Wow. And it just felt like I had COVID two weeks ago. That was Christmas, right? It was Christmas. This fucking year is moving. You better get with it, cock suckers. Who gives a fuck about the BA Armacron? We're going to keep pushing fucking straight.

He believed that every two weeks. I got a new fucking new fucking door. Hong Kong, listen to this. I started fucking physical therapy on my right knee. This is a hell of a week for me with that shit. So I went down there Monday. You know, you got to wear the fucking mask. I go in.

I give the girl my name. She goes, all right, go on the back. I'm sitting in the back, minding my own business. I got the mask on. And this Asian woman walks up to me. And she goes, Mr. Dias, yeah. She goes, I have to talk to you. She was really cute, like 40, thin, tall.

And she's like, you have to talk to you. We do acupuncture. It's called dry kneeling. When you do therapy, physical therapy, we do the first two sessions for free to see if you like. And I'm like, you know, I go to acupuncture, but free, I'll take it. Yeah.

What the fuck do I get to catch a breathal like that? That's $65 bucks for acupuncture. Catch a fucking break. So she goes, okay, I'll come and talk to you later to see if you have time today. I go, all right, no worry. And as she walked away, she goes, you look very nice today.

What the fuck? I didn't know what to say. You know, I'm like, oh, okay. And then I went there Friday. Again, I go in. I got the fucking, they told me Monday when I was there. I go, this sucks with this mask. They go, take it off.

They go, it's okay. We don't have to wear them. It's your decision. I go, you fucking. serious? They go, yeah, take off the mask. I go, okay. I went back yesterday. I wore him without a mask. I'm sitting in the

thing, and the Asian chick comes up to me again. Oh, hey, Mr. Diaz, we have time today if you want to do it. I go, okay, yeah. She goes, where's your mask? I go, listen, lady, it's over. It's over, lady, that's it. Why do you have a fucking man? I started really, like, not ridiculing her. I just started, like, busting the ball. And again, she

said to me, you look kind of nice today. And I go, you look nice yourself. I don't know what the fuck's going on there. So she goes, when you come back Monday, come to my office instead. Don't come here first. Come to my office, let me needle it first. I'm like, I told my wife, I go tell my wife some lady hit on me. She's like,

who cares? She's not going to do nothing anyway. My wife already knows. So, what were you saying about the fucking needling or whatever? I don't know. I don't know how we got that. No, you were talking about happy being in Florida. Oh, yeah, it's great. That's great.

When I moved there, I didn't know how different their COVID response was from Los Angeles. Like I got there and I'm like is COVID still happening? Like I, there was a nobody wearing masks. There was nobody paying attention.

Nobody paying attention. They were living their life. They had so scared in California. I remember when you guys went away, didn't you like kick a woman out of an elevator because she coughed with him? Yeah. When we came back from Atlanta. When we can't. That's what I knew it was going to. I got a funny feeling in that moment. That this is going to be serious.

I've always said that, that the day Kobe died. Yeah. When we were coming home that day, that's the day Kobe died. We're driving on the 405 guys. There were leaves. It was a great day, and there were leaves, and the leaves were just moving on the 405 in a way that I never saw before, like in a circle.

And then another time, I saw it in Burbank. When I went to Burbank and I saw the leaves like that, I went to the Cuban place to get food takeout. Right before we moved, like it was July, so they had loosened up restrictions. Portos wasn't even open. They had fucking paper towels or something on the windows. Yeah. We had to meet the girl outside, and then she gave you a time.

Yeah. You had to come back an hour late and get the food. It was a nightmare. Disaster. And I go, fuck it. I would just go over to the record store. I went to the record store, and the record store was closed, and I'm like, fuck. And I remember going back to Portos and just getting out of the car.

And I'm just to wait on the street, half hour. I don't give a fuck. And I saw people jaywalking in Burbank, which you never see. Yeah. You never see people jaywalking. In Burbank, I saw a bunch of people jaywalking. Let's just say I didn't see the kind of people you see in Burbank, jaywalking. It was not a good crew that I saw jaywalking.

Yeah. I remember when I looked at them, the wind was blown the same way. And I go, you know what, it's time to get out of fucking L.A. And that was my final decision because the way the leaves were blowing. That day from on the way back from Atlanta, I still say it. That was the day we went into a different doom.

The day Kobe died. I don't know what Kobe had on him. I don't know if he sat with Jesus or hung out with Copernicus. I don't know what Kobe had or what power he had. God rest his soul, but whatever happened that day. It's fucked up, but it's true. It was like a month before, less than a month.

I remember standing on January 26th. Your front lawn on March 14th, it was that Saturday. The store had closed down like Thursday night. I did a spot at the Ice House on Friday the 13th, I think it was. Or it might have been that Saturday night. Whatever it was, everybody still thought it was going to be two weeks. The whole narrative was two weeks, two weeks. And we were on your front lawn and the sky was,

it looked like the beginning of flashed gordon when Ming the merciless Was messing with the way. It was that end of the world, apocalypse sky. And you looked at me, you go, Steve Simone, pray. I do not have a good feeling about this. You hit it right on the nose. And then I remember July, and you go, you got to leave. We all go to leave.

We're going to leave. We're not leaving. No man left behind. Remember you saying that? Nobody's left behind because I didn't want to be responsible. I didn't want to be here and hear that league. I hit by a call. Right.

You're saying that. I remember saying that. And I'm like, I got to go back out there, get the body. You know. I remember when you saw. the guy could hit in the head with a bat or something on Coenga and that's when you called me on fucking Lancashire. You go, we're leaving.

Done, done. And then I saw the white dude hit the black prostitute in front of CVS in Studio City at 10 in the morning. When the fuck does that happen in Studio City? Never, there's 10 in the morning. You know, dog, come on, I'm not trying

to be racist or cutier. Listen to Studio City, they had three or four black people. They own the barbecue place that we used to go to. Remember on Fridays they had the gumball and shit like that? Oh, yeah, that was delicious. Delicious. They were...

Uncle something. They were the brothers there. When that pandemic hit, there was just an unreal amount of people that you would not see in those neighborhoods. Whether they were African-American, whether they were Mexican. I mean, it was just crazy. Sherman Oaks was just homeless people, during the daytime, it was just homeless people smoking meth in broad daylight. Right in the middle. Right in the middle.

I feel like LA gets a bad rap. I'm very happy not to live there anymore. L.A. as a, if you think about it, is a great place to live. Yeah. The problem is there's too many people. That's the problem, I think. The food's not great. There's some stuff that you can eat.

The beach, the weather's great. It could be really great. There's just so many people. Brennard's had a great joke. He goes, everybody's complaining about the pizza in L.A. He's like, who moves to L.A. for pizza? Because you move here to do something. And I guess that bugle me.

For me, it wasn't, listen, for me, it wasn't, you guys know I loved the comedy store. Me too. And you guys know I loved the Ice House. And I loved fucking everything about it. I'm a California. I'm an everywhere guy. Me too. It's really not been anywhere I've never really liked.

Love Colorado. Love, I love New Jersey. I think. the only thing that's the difference between California. Well, I can't even say this because if you live in San Francisco and you're an architect, you don't really experience that.

We were in a very weird business guys. We were in a business that I hate to tell you this. You know what? You wouldn't sell your soul for a fucking degree, a lawyer degree. No. You wouldn't even sell your fucking soul to be a doctor. No. But you would sell your soul

to be on a stupid TV show. Yeah, people lost. To walk into a club to be VIP that it's so you see the women out there that everybody wants to be Kim Kardashian and you see it's not the food it's not the beach it's not the and it's not even the money no it's

the fame that's what they want they want fame and they'll do anything for it and that little thing in the back of your head having that constantly dwarfs what you see in your reality yeah there's a brokenness there I used to pray I used to feel like Noah I felt like for the last few years I was building an arc in L.A.

I go, Lord, I can't take this much. You've got to get me out of here. What am I doing here? Because it was like, I love this store. I've made amazing friends. Amazing friends. I hope L.A. comes back better than ever. I mean, I,

me too. Best years of my life were in Los Angeles. But there's a brokenness. There's a darkness in that city. And I'm telling you, the last time I was in L.A., I felt like it was the beginning of a horror movie. It just felt like something bad was going.

happen. And I don't know that could have been in my head because I live in the middle of a cow pasture now, where it's the Bible belt. There's a church on every corner. People have guns. It's the opposite, amazing, warm people. I love where I live. But when I was in L.A., it creeped me out. I remember just waking up going, I have to leave. It was a Saturday morning. A car flipped over on sunset. On Saturday morning, exploded like a movie. The valet comes running and then he goes, don't send any guests West on sunset. I go, you know, I was in line to get something fixed to my room, and instead I checked out. I used to miles to fly out of Burbank.

My flight wasn't for six more hours. I went upstairs, packed the bag, Ubered out. I'm like, it's 10 o'clock that I'm leaving. I saw two naked homeless dudes, like whatever drugs are in L.A. now are out of a horror movie. They had sword. One guy had a sword, the other guy to bat, buck naked in the middle of the street fighting. And I go, I felt like Lott and his wife. I'm like, I'm not turning around.

I'm getting to the Burbank airport. That's it. So I hope now when I go back, it's better. And that's what I might do. I might take a connecting flight. It's worth it to go to Burbank. Burbank. I'm going to go back in June to see some of my old friends and do a few open mics.

I'm just not as worth. And by the way, now, almost all flights have stops. It's very rare. I've flown a couple times and they got rid of almost all the flights. I would fly. Flights are three times as expensive. I'll do. I'll fly from here to Vegas.

Yeah. And take a southwest from Vegas. Smart. to fucking Burbank. That's really small. That's the way to do it. That is genius. That's the way to do it.

Fly like Delta from here to there, nice, and then that southwest, that's genius. For a fucking hour. And you could even land and catch like a twawa, so I could leave here at six, land in Vegas at 11, get something to eat. Yeah.

Get my luggage and go right back upstairs to Southwest. That's true. Not even fucking... Go through security. security again? No, none of that shit. No, you have to, if you get your luggage. You do.

But I'm not going to fly here. From here to southwest to Vegas. That's not happening. No. My ass, no, I'm 60. My asshole will blow up now. That little chair and fucking peanuts. And if there's somebody with an allergy,

I don't get my peanut. I'll stab a motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? Not now. Not, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, now Southwest. You got a, you got a, in Southwest, look at their Fess.

They're not fucking around. No. You know, every week, South Fest has a 49. sale. I swear to my mother. Not going anywhere, though. Yeah, 30 years I've never got a $49 fare. They advertise 69, go anywhere. Go ahead.

I dare you. That's like the D group. Yeah. If you fly flat out wet, your ABC group. If you're a fucking much, just hang yourself. If you're D, you're fucking... Those poor people, oh my God, those poor people get like a Southwest ticket and don't know that

to check in. Oh, yeah. And then get to the airport, and you see them get like C-59, and they're waiting, and they're waiting. Then they get on the plane, and all they're looking at is middle seats. It's a fucking nightmare. And you have a middle seat, but you're like doing everything you can so they're not to sit next to you. I got the knife out of, I'm shaving and shit.

You had a rule. When we would fly southwest from Burbank to Vegas, when we go to Vegas, and we get on in the back. and you would take the aisle out and I would sit the window and you'd be like look fat and look big so no one was sitting in the middle seat

nobody was sitting next two fat sweaty guys and when they come up to you go man I just had some Taco Bell they'll definitely they'll fucking won't get on the plane they'll go fuck because you'll take the next flight

there's two little chubby dudes back there reeking of Taco Bell with a weird look on their face Lee you've had a weird look on your face since you ate that edible last night what's going on with you oh you think so this is all new to you

now again. You got out of shape. Remember how he always talked about in training? Got to be ready in a training. He got out of training. I almost lost a lot of weight. But now he's going up there with the new edition

of ABX. You know what I'm saying? There's no more mistakes for training. Jesus. Look at this chunk right here. If you could figure out how many fucking pieces are here, I'll give you this whole thing.

Can you imagine this? Like a carnival game? Guess how many jelly beans are on the jar? It's 100 bucks to guess, though. Just a milligram. Oh, my God, Joe. Look at this. That's how to live, cocksuckers.

That's a bag. It's Monday, you cocksuckers. You didn't think I was showing up with the three amigos. Can you imagine putting this in your freezer bed? And it smells right through the bag. You can smell this motherfucker through the bag. We got the white truffle. We got more white truffle.

It's that type of fucking party. We're going to go eat tonight. I'm excited. Lee's going to be fucking pale. Oh, I'm so excited. We're going to go to a couple different places. We don't know where the fuck we're going to go yet, but it's going to be fucking tremendous, man.

I'm happy you guys took the time to come down. Thank you for having. And visit, you know, it's, uh, I got a message yesterday that they were looking at a Reddit thing, and they were talking about me doing heroin. Like, you know, and the guys are like, what is going on with people, you know, like, that they could have sworn

when we were on the church we did heroin or something anyway and I said you know what's that a while ago somebody had video yeah we were doing coke

they had video the guy that was running the YouTube site he ran a YouTube site about us then we fucking reported him he's like well I got a video of you guys snort and coke

and I'm like well I call Lee they got videos of us snort and coke I guess it's two actors playing us because we had the fucking we had that duncan dust in there we got fucked up that day we never snored a coke no we never snored a cog we did that other shit and you and you hate needles how are you going to do heroin i know that the listen people are just they want to say it's like

right now we're living in the world like yeah people just say shit and they wish it stays like the guy who said uh you know it's like the guy who said uh uh you know fucking uh justify the police. What's that? Stumbled the police. What was that thing? After, and we did it. Now we're asking for money about...

Oh, defund the police. Yeah, somebody said, defund the police. That's a great idea. Defund the police. Everybody jumped on it. It wasn't that good of a fucking idea. It wasn't that good of a fucking idea.

And now all those places that defund, they're looking to fuck and pick up extra fucking money to get them back, you know? So whoever's talking stupidity, it's like, listen, we did heroin. we did Coke take that look off your face I'm looking at that knife

you look like I fucking farted a garlic fart next to your cock suck Not yet I'm sure it's coming No fuck that's great No people are crazy People are crazy And it's I you just can't

You can't worry about it People are crazy Even like in daily life Like people send People like that I got on TikTok for like a week I wasn't making anything but I had to delete it because it was addicting

because you would just swipe and swipe and swipe and swipe and swipe. But what's big on there right now is like people fighting videos and like hands, like people like yelling at people. So sad. Like, yeah, you can't worry. People are fucking crazy and that's why we stay home.

Like you were talking about like, oh, being in L.A. is great when you're trying to be something and do. But it's also like at a certain point, you're like, okay, is all the other shit in L.A. worth it? Correct. So we'll do that. And then at some point it's not worth it.

with it. Yes. And so now you're like, yeah, I'm a little bored, but I love my life. I also don't have to do a valet parking at Starbucks. Everything's easier. Yeah. Everything. I'm not joking.

There's nothing can be in LA. If you wanted to go to the 7-11, you'd have to go around the block four times to find a place to park. And I never lived in Hollywood. I only lived in the valley. And I wouldn't even go to Ventura on Friday and Saturday because it's like, I don't want it. I just can't. Like even that, uh, what was near there?

the what was uh crave yeah in studio city with that trader jo's parking lot yeah that parking was always a disaster it's just and now it's like what's worth it right yeah like yeah i'm bored i'm bored sometimes but i get to have i have a dinner with my mom every night for like a year and a half 100% so it's like okay like i have a life like you you said you were at home with your parents in l.a now i mean in florida yeah when you were in l.a how often did you get to see them twice a year year, forever grateful. Three times a year? For where I am right now.

Just filled with gratitude. Yeah. We're going to play this video for you guys. What do you find these things? We're going to send this to Mike. He's going to put this here. This is the way we're ending. The fucking show this week.

This is a rapper here. This is the best rap video of it made. And what you're about to see is a chick. The guy that's saying, make that ass move, he's handicapped. He's got like a. fucking little crush. Is he blind? No, he's just handicapped.

But here he goes. The chick is like a low run chick. Look at homie here. Look at him. Oh, no. Is he drugs? What is? But the handicapped guy falls.

Watch. Without missing a beat. Now that's a way to end the fucking show. Check this up. Make that ass move. It's like that guy. What's the best. brother with the handicapped

and then give it to Mike. Mike's on have to send it to himself. So we hear him the show with that video. I wonder if you can put a copyright on this YouTube video. I own that. I own that. No, that's a Reddit video. It was voted by Reddit as the best rap video of all fucking time. Make that ass

move. What about when he falls and he fucking... You're going to love it, guys. Another fun-filled episode of the fucking joint on a Monday. You bad mother Fuckers, make that ass move, move, move. I love you, cocksuckers. Have a great day.

Stay black, and we'll see you, motherfuckers Wednesday. Tip-top, McGoo. Just make that ass move, move, move. And now for a word from our sponsors. All right, you fucking savages, I want to thank Steve and Lee. It was great to see him. We're going to go out to get a bite to eat and smoke some more dope. If you're around, we'll bump into you.

But if not, the joint is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy. A lot of us will drop anything to help somebody out, but how often will you give yourself the same treatment? Listen, we invest in ourselves here. I invest in myself every day by exercising. I go to acupuncture. I'm nice to cats. Better Help online therapy wants to remind you to take care of the most important

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The joint is sponsored by BetterHelp and all you savages. I'm going to get you 10% off your first month at BetterHelp.com slash Diaz. Again, betterhelp.com slash Diaz. And after you get your head together, I'm going to make you some money this weekend with Draft Kings. Unbelievable. Join the biggest college basketball tournament of the year this weekend with Draft Kings.

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Got to be 21 over, and restrictions do apply. The joint is also brought to you by the best. You understand me? Stamps.com, whether you have a small business or a big business, the time you put that into your business is a lot. Time is money. Print official postage right from your computer and save thousands of dollars with stamps.com.

Spend less time at the post office and more time making your customers happy. Like I told you in the beginning, my wife has been with Stamps.com close to 12 years now. We love it. It's easy. You measure the packages, you wear out the packages, you print up the label, you put up the little wing on your postbox, and the mailman shows up 20 minutes later. Stop overpaying for shipping with stamps.com. Sign up with promo code Joey, J-O-E-Y for special offer that includes a $4 million. four-week trial, free postage, and a digital scale.

No long-term commitment to contracts. Just go to Stamps.com, click the microphone at the top of the page, and enter code Joey. It's that simple. I want to thank BetterHelp. I want to thank Draft Kings, and I want to thank Stamps.com. But most importantly, I want to thank you fucking savages for always having my back. Stay black. I love Lee.

I love Steve. I love Mike. And I'll see you, motherfuckers. morning tip top magoo