The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #150 - The Church Of What's Happening Now

Episode Date: February 12, 2014

Joey and Lee solo like old times. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for 50% off your first order. Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Recorded live on 02/12/2014.

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That's naturebox.com promo code Joey. And again, we're brought to you by Nailed atLife.com. For all of your oil and wax smokers out there, check out the premiere very very very very very paper pen on the market nailed it life.com don't forget to enter the discount code Joey Diaz no space and receive 20% off of your first order there you go cock suckers this is what I'm talking about it's fucking Wednesday cock suckers sounds like a bad dream what kick that motherfucker Lee kick it don't make me make you wiggle cock sucker wiggle that cough away

Wednesday, February 12, Abe Lincoln's birthday and the day the devil was buried at sea. We're here. Back at you. The church of what's happening now in full effect, motherfuckers. Fat man alert today. What? What's going on, Lysayat? You bad motherfucker, you.

I just... What are you giggling on? My entire life dream is to see Mercy at like seven. And YouTube just going out, like, right before school. Just like head banging to this stuff. It's going to be, I can't wait to see it. What am I going to do? What are you going to bring up my sword note for?

I miss that little fuck. The house is quiet. It's just, fuck, Jim. I bet. Fuck. Last night, the middle of the night, one of the cats jumped in the playpen and landed on top of one of those team-o-mo-zumi dolls. And the things started singing at fucking one in the morning.

I popped up and went out there. I thought my baby was back. But it was one of the cats looking at me like, like, what did I do something wrong? And he was looking at the team. Like, the thing was saying, whatever the fuck she sings. It's Wednesday, February 2nd. How you bad motherfuckers doing? So they get up.

Wash your pussy. Life is waiting, you bad motherfuckers. How was your day yesterday? Lee, where did you get a couple podcasts? Yeah, two podcasts. You drank your fucking NyQuil on the rocks. You're back. No, yeah.

It's amazing how antibiotics work. It's weird. I dread going to the doctor. So I just put it off, put it off, and it always helps. Yeah. This is what happens. Are you taking yogurt for the antibiotics to put the fucking shit back in your stomach? because that shit shoots

that kills everything to those antibiotics. Really? Yeah, so you got to eat some yogurt to keep your fucking to put all those things back in your stomach.

Well, they said that eat it with food and then one of them causes constipation and one of them causes shit, so. Have you been shit in blood lately?

Not blood, but good ones. All right, good, as long as you're healthy. And from now on you got to take care of yourself. What are you got there?

You got some teas or some water. Orange juice. Look at you, some orange juice. Oh, shit. Joe fucking blade in the mornings. It's a beautiful

fucking day be alive. Trust me. I know half the country's covered with ice and snow and all this shit. But fuck it, stay in. When that shit happens, you prepare yourself. You tell the guy the night before, it ain't going to happen, dog. I got both fucking tires. You go to the drug dealer's

house, you put a 20 on the fucking cusp. You go to your supermarket, you get yourself some salami and some cheese, and you prepare yourself. That's it. You know, what else are you going to fucking do? This is it. And for kids in school, you know the deal? Now you're going to have to stay in school until June 38. You know, what are you going to do?

And they make such... What was the vice president to Clinton? Al Gore. And he made the stuff off about global warming. Yes. And over the last few years, you know, we've seen either it gets hot in extremes or it gets really fucking cold and all this bad weather we're having like this year. Yeah.

You know, they're really complaining with the snow. He talked about this. Is this not part of global warming? I think it is. I don't know much about it. I don't know much about it. I don't know much about it. I don't know much about it.

I think global warming is real. I mean, it makes sense. What we evolved It gets colder and it gets fucking warm And the weather gets a little bit more fucking intense I mean who would have dreamed that Jersey Was gonna get flooded in the last year And get there by a fucking hurricane

Something's going on Yeah something is cool What we evolve And now you know I talk to my friends every day And it's fucking cold They say it's been fucking cold They say it

You know And these are guys that grow up And they're in it every year So it's like second nature of them You know when I was growing up In the East Coast It was second nature to me had it down you get up in the morning you fucking take a shower you put some hot cocoa on you

go outside you start the fucking car and you watch it from your window as you drink hot cocoa for 30 fucking minutes then you go out and scrape the fucking windows then you turn the fucking the thing on for the wind and you know it's a process it's a fucking process and no driving and it sucks you know could you live back there now at this point after what you do here not happily what we're saying yesterday we're 530 having coffee yesterday and he did a t-shirt and it was 70 degrees out. No, I mean, not happily, I could do it. It's all

about, you make choices. Like, I lived in the city, so I wasn't even driving. I wasn't walking through it. So you make a choice about where you're going out. You make sure you have food in your house. And then, fucking, it's a horrible

way to live, but it's not that bad. It's only a two months. It adds to the life, you know, it adds to what you're doing sometimes. It is fun when you have a girl though. Yeah. You know, when we can just be stuck

at the house? This morning I was talking to George I didn't way over here and we were thinking him and he was telling me how cold it was and if you've ever been

to Englewood, you know, to Englewood, you know, to Englewood, when you get to Englewood, I forget what the main street is you make a left and you go down a hill.

You got to go down this fucking hill. Oh, I can't imagine doing it in your town, fuck. This was an Englewood. This was a couple towns away.

It's where Johnson Walt is from and where Bill Willoughby's from. And I remember this had to be the winter of 85, which is damn near fucking 30 years ago, Jesus Christ. And I remember walking down the hill to go get a job at a lumberyard. And it was wide open. And I remember getting the, like I think about the coldest I'd been in.

And it wasn't Colorado. That's the weirdest thing. I lived in Colorado all those years. And I don't remember a time in Colorado where I was as cold as I was. as January in Jersey. Yeah. On the top of that hill and the wind coming off the Hudson.

Oh, the water. The back of my ears and then the wind coming the other way and my face felt like cracking and the tears were frozen and your eyeballs can't fucking move and your ears are just unbearable. Like you can't even...

And you have clothing on. Yeah. You have protection on it. So if that was 30 years ago, I know that today, like one of my buddies Bartulovich posted it's fucking cold today. You know, he works in the city on the skyscray.

bro, whatever. He tells you how the fuck it is. I don't know. My heart goes out to you, people. And I know that we have a lot of Canadians in Ottawa and my girl, M.B. Leaf, it gets fucking cold. Oh, I'm up there. I remember thinking, even when I live there, thank God I didn't have, like, an outside job. I couldn't imagine working in a lumberyard in the cold. Because, like, at least when you're in school or whatever, go in, you go warm up, if you're a job. Like, I worked at a movie theater.

in that time when I was in college and yeah, you're cold from the train to the door and stuff, and then you're warm all day. But fucking, I can't imagine having to use your hands when it's that frigid cold and you can't really move with the gloves so you have to take the gloves off sometimes.

I take the gloves off, put them on, nail, put them back on. Oh, my God. Put the nail in your mouth. You know, I did a... I did a... In high school, I worked with Rendell, Lumber, and Marine on Tunnelia Avenue in the winter. You had to do. You have a shovel. Oh, fine. stock the wood you're gonna clean the snow off the wood and then stock wood you know so you

have to take the sheets off there stock the wood put the old sheets back on top so you get rid of them first if it was a heavy snow it must have been a fucking hard because it's heavy like people don't think snow is heavy if it snows all night and you have to have oh it's fucking heavy and then the best experience i had was moving to colorado that was fucking real because it only takes joey dyes to moved to a place where that was the year that snowed 26 days in a row. And I fucking, the winter of 83, they have like 26 days in a row with 21 days in a row. You can look it up and get back to me. And those skeptics are going to come out and go, Joey, what the fuck?

It was so fucking bad. And they were paying snow shovelers, $20 an hour for roofs. Oh, yeah. To shoveling roofs. They were getting $25, $20 an hour. Me, fuck that shoveling on the roof shit with ropes around your fucking waste. I shovel snow on the bottom and I was getting 12 an hour.

If you shoveled the fucking... But it's weird how that year, my introduction to all that snow, I got a job shoveling. But I got a job shoveling to case the houses because there was a lot of drug dealers that lived in this apartment buildings

that were called Creekside. Yeah. So I would shovel snow basically just a case who was leaving, who was going skiing, how much time I had. You know, and then I would... My buddy Jimmy Berkel, God bless his soul, made me a tool that since all the doors in the buildings were the same.

He made me a tool to bust into all the doors. That's hysterical. Lee, it was, you know, it was like stealing. Well, it was stealing. Ray, it was like stealing. That's one of the jobs that it must, like, that would be perfect if you listen to a podcast. Because I can't imagine shoveling the sidewalks while it's snowing. Oh, I would get up in the morning.

I just, I fucking just did this. I would get up in the morning and do fucking four or five bombs. hits and I lived where I shoveled. So I lived in D12. So all I had to do was walk outside of my door, pick up shovels, and they paid you 12 cash an hour. You could get paid daily or he would pay your cash at the end of the week in an envelope on Fridays. And he was Joe Coff. He's still alive and he still

has the same fucking job. Jesus. And I did this every fucking day. And then after that, you know, every job. I remember going to Colorado Mountain College taking courses and one of the courses I took was electronic residential wiring I took it because it was three credits

I had taken like a history class like a math class like a core basic math class and something else I never forget this and ended up getting me a job because I took the thing and I became a residential wireman and I was in the union now in Colorado

and the day before Christmas it was a whiteout in Aspen and this was when they were building a new ski resort. They were building a new gym. It was right off Route 82 there. I don't know what it was called. And I had me and Greg Yeager.

It was Yeager Electric. I'll never forget this. Two days before Christmas. My first, the second day, working with him. I had already worked for an electrician. It was like one of the worst whiteouts in Colorado history.

And me and him installed an outside panel board. So where the power comes, from the pole to the board that's what we installed because they had to start breaking ground and shit like that over the holidays and all that stuff I'll never forget fucking you know just

wiring like I didn't know what the fuck I was doing I was just out there handing him tools basically and then shoveling off the area and keeping the paddle fucking clear from the snow and I remember going home going Jesus fucking Christ I'm 20 years old I'm going to have to do this

for 40 fucking years I can't imagine that I can't I respect this people so much because I couldn't do it I don't think well you get used to it you get used to it I don't think I have the skill to do it well we all don't have skills to do everything like I'm horrible with car mechanics you know anything about car mechanics nothing that's my horrible one of my biggest regrets in high school I was in auto shop I took auto shop Mr. Panacucci had one arm his one arm got killed it shopped off of Vietnam he would hit you with the stuff I dropped out well he was woodwork I dropped out I dropped out

of auto shop on like the second day because I got into a film class. So thank God it happened, but I wish I... Terrible with cars. I can't change the tire. I can't do the oil. I could change the tire. I could change the oil on the old cars, you know, get under there, pop it up a little bit, loosen the fucking thing.

I mean, I'm sure I could. I just don't know where to start. I could change the air filter and I could do that. That I could do. I learned that over the years working at dealers. I know about a flat tire. I don't like doing it and I get scared because I heard people got killed with Jacks. Fuck, really?

Yeah, the jack pops up and shit. People that killed with Jackson. Cars fall. That's a fucking nightmare. So I don't like those things. I was horrible with bicycles. I was horrible with bicycles. When I was a kid, the best thing that happened,

I had a kid next to me. And I got to tell you something, guys, this is how loyal I am. If there's not a week that I don't look this kid's name up, I'm lying to you guys. That's how much I miss him. I yearn from parts of my past just to ask kids certain questions.

And this motherfucker lived right next door to me. If anybody knew anything about me, he was this kid growing up. And he was a fucking nerd. He was a nerd, but I loved him. I loved him. At an early age, I fell in love with the kid. He lived on top of Kathy Ortiz,

who was a Jehovah Witness. That was the first time I ever dealt with a Jehovah Witness. And her family used to have to knock on your door, and my mother would tell I get the fuck out of here. It was embarrassing. And Kathy Ortiz was a sweetheart. of a girl, but she was the first person I ever dealt with that didn't get up during the

National Anthem in school. They're not supposed to salute the flag. And it would burn me to fuck up. It would burn me the fuck up. I didn't understand what religion wouldn't let you salute the flag. Yeah. And I always wanted to say something to her, but A, she lived right next door to me. I mean, right next door to me.

And B, she was such a sweet girl. And I figured that she was doing it because her parents had nothing to do with her. Her parents were pretty straight. But the kid that was up his name was Valentin. I've spoken about Valentin many a time before. In the documentary. Because he,

did we talk about him in the documentary? What story? When he took the bicycle and went down the hill. And he shook and fell over the handlebars. Then there was the other time with a can of ice saw blew up his leg and went through his jeans. I mean, he was like a, he was a punching,

there was no bullies in those days. He was life's bully. Like everything that happened that was supposed to happen to us, he took the brunt of it. Because he was a daredevil. He was the original, those guys that jump off of things

and hit garage doors. He was the original. He liked all that shit. He was into that shit when we were kids building ramps and going off with the skateboards and shit. He was a Cuban kid. Very nice.

His name was Valentin Farrah, but what Valentin's real skill was with fucking bicycles. You know how Jimmy and Goodfellers liked to steal? Yeah. And he cheered for the bad guys. this was Valentine's life was looking at a bicycle and going

did you ever consider putting a banana fucking thing on there and this and that we put the thing up and we'll make the thing make noise he was brilliant so Valentin's job people would steal bicycles and bring them to Valentine's house and Valentine's job was to stick change it all around okay he would erase the fucking VIN number Jesus crazy a chop shop we had a bicycle chop shop right next to But here's what gets better. I loved giving that terrace. I loved my house because when you pulled into the garage,

you had two options. You could either go upstairs or downstairs. Upstairs was the kitchen, and if you went downstairs, it was a lounge slash little underground bar basement. Yeah. And they had cleaned it up, they had finished, it was beautiful.

There was, like, panelling around the boiler room where there was more hidden stuff. That's where Juan used to hide his guns underneath. But what the fuck was I talking about? Downstairs, I used to hide bicycles down. He would say, Bro, Jimmy Olson, there was this kid, Jimmy Olson, this little Irish kid that was just dirty.

He was smoking. He's alive, guys. He's on Facebook. And this kid was, at 13, his teeth were already rotten. Guys, when I tell you, you know, there's people that you see that have green teeth like mine or whatever.

No, no, no, no. At 13, his fucking teeth were rotten people. From smoking? From smoking and not brushing them and eating sugar. He didn't have teeth. He had the stems. Oh, no.

He was down to the stems. And some of the teeth were still there, and you could see the cavities in his teeth. And he talked to you, but he always smoked. He smoked, and he was like fucking eight. Oh, no. And he had fucking, it was just a nightmare. But he was such a sweetheart, and he was a tremendous bicycle thief. You see what I'm saying?

I got to turn this motherfucker off. This motherfucker, man. He was a tremendous bicycle thief. So between him and a couple other fucking kids, Valentin was always, fucking hopping. You understand me? Always hopping. There was always something going on with bicycles and him. And there's

not a week that goes by that I don't think about this kid. Because he was such a dear friend. He was my first introduction of having groups of friends and moving on. What I mean by that is I hung out with Valentin from three

to five. After five, I don't know what happened to Valentine's. He had to go home for dinner. Time wise, not age-wise. Time-wise, yeah. I would see Valentine in the summertime. Yeah. I'd see Valentine from 9 in the morning. If my vision of Valentine,

closing my eyes right now, is him with a bike turned upside down and him fucking wrenching the back tire. That's Valentin. He always had a bicycle in that fucking driveway. There was always a bicycle upside down with the two tires up in the air spinning. He was checking to see if the rims were wobbly.

I mean, he was just amazing. And that's how I fucking remember Valentin. And one week, I wish I could just bump into this kid and go, what the fuck happened to you? Because I don't think he lived next door to me by the time my mom died. But I can't even think that far back. Like, I can't. I was talking to Nick Taturo.

It's so weird that you talk about your memory and whatnot. I talk to Nick once a week about anything, stupid shit, what goes on with his life, audition. And he was telling me he sat down with Vinnie Curdo. Oh, well, right, for dinner. And they talked about a script. that Vinnie Curdo's got, you know, a lot of people don't know about Vinnie Curdo

when I bring him on here, and he's a box and stuff, but he's a tremendous writer, guys. Guys, when I mean tremendous, I mean, when he gives you something that he's written, you actually look at him and look at the thing and go, nah, but he's a fucking idiot savant like that.

He's just a great writer, and he's got two or three scripts. One of them, I read, and that's the one De Niro and Markey Warburg bought from him in 1997. Which was never made, where De Niro was going to play Angelo Dundee, and Markey Warburg was going to play Vinny Curdo. And it's just a fucking brilliant story.

It takes you to Vegas, Sinatra, Vito Interfermo. It's like him. It's like talking to him, you know? So I said, I called him next day. I go, Nick, how to go? And he goes, Joey, I don't know what. That guy is the best kept secret in Hollywood. He's untapped talent.

And I go, let me give him a call and see how he thought about the meeting. Doug, do you know I called him the next day? And I go, hey, how you doing? What's going on? I go, no, I'm on a bus. I go, where are you on the bus too? Vinny? He goes, the mental hospital, right?

This straight business. So I go, hey, so you met with Nikki? He goes, Nikki, who? I go, Nicky. I go, Nicky. He goes, I don't know no fucking Nicky, Joey. I didn't meet with no Nicky. I go, did you not go out to Nick the night?

To dinner, he talked about the script. He goes, Joey, I don't know. I go, Nick the tour. He goes, oh, Nick the tour. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He goes, I forgot there for a second. You know, it's so fucking crazy that I have the same traits.

If you asked me what I had for lunch yesterday, I don't fucking know what I had for lunch yesterday, but I can tell you what happened in 1981 verbatim. Yeah. You know, I don't know if that's the reefer. I don't fucking know what the fuck it is. But it's just so weird, the things you remember, the things you don't remember that your mind is selective with.

And I always just think of Valentine. I just like this. So if anybody knows... And no one's heard from him? He wasn't... Valentin was a Spanish kid that was brown and he spoke with a Spanish accent and he wasn't very popular. He didn't play sports. Like I said, he was what today, what they call nerd.

He was that guy. He was very technical with his hands. He was always fixing something. He was very quiet. You know, I don't remember him doing drugs. I don't remember him drinking with that crew on the corner there. You know, I don't remember. a lot of things

last, you know, they started a Facebook page North Bergen memories, some fucking jerk off Joey Lapoor that I went to school with he's like two or three years older than me. He got to beef with me on Facebook about two years ago over Mike Duffy's page because I was goofing my friend Mike Duffy one of the guys that called in here

he always writes Christian shit and I'm like, hey, fuck the Christians. So he got on and tried to fucking put his two cents and I told him to fuck himself and we went back and forth And the truth story of when we were kids, he was a little older than I was, and he was into Kualoos selling drugs in the city.

He was going to CBGBs and all those clubs back then. And then there was a rumor that he was sucking dick in the city, and then one day he disappeared. And the rumor was he was in the Navy. So nobody heard from him for 20 years. That's only five years ago. He pops up on Facebook. And he's a photographer, and he's a fucking magician.

And I've never been a magician that's fucking not weird. Yeah. The magician's always fucking whacked out. So I put this thing on Duffy's page, and this is the motherfucker got into it with me about a hack, whatever, and I'm like, hey, fuck you, bitch, what the fuck have you ever done? Last time I saw you, you know, selling coilers, then you're going to witness relocation plan for cocksuckers.

Nobody ever saw you again for 30 years, and you pop up like Johnny fucking come lately. So they have this fucking page on Facebook, and I was invited to it by this kid. But then they had a beef because he said something. He would watch the page all day. This is how much of a loser he was. He'd watch the page.

And if a comment came in, he didn't like, he'd delete it. Jesus Christ. Some people have no fucking life, bro. You know, and you've got to accept that sometimes. Me, I accept it, but it's like, after a while you feel like sticking your hand to computer and going to get it together. You don't want to hit it this briefly?

No. This will get those fucking, this will get your lung going. This will get all that phlegm from the bottom. All that purple shit that's just sitting there. This will get this motherfucker going. Yes, it will. You said something earlier, and I wanted to get your opinion on it, because I learned, I forget the word now.

But I know somebody who is joining, I don't know if it's the Jehovah's Witness or something. It's one of those churches, but it's one of the ones that makes you pay 10% of your earnings. They all do. That's fucking, I can't imagine that. It's called something. It's called something.

I forget the word it's called. I just, I, I, there's something of your thing and you give 10% of your fucking savings to, you know what I go to church I'll give you a fucking fin I'll give you $5 if I go once a week that's $20, that's $20 at the end of the week

that's $2.40 at the end of the year that's good enough that's good enough if everybody fucking does that if 10 people do that that's $2,400 right? Yeah. Okay, man. Everybody should have at least $150, 200 people

in their congregation. You know, you want to help everybody. I'm the type of guy you don't immediately cheat. I ain't cheat. If I got it, it's fucking yours, you know? and you want to help everybody, but when does it end? When does it fucking end? First off, the government takes 50 right off the fucking bet.

Yeah. They take 50 right off the fucking bat. At the end of the year, you sit there and go, what the fuck just happened? Yeah, I'm dreading April. Yeah, and if you don't have a kid or you don't have this or that or this, they fuck you up the ass more. So, you know, first off, I mean, what was...

No wonder we're fucking dying. You know, taxes are fucking high. You know, I make believe, like, they don't exist. They're, of course, they're doing business. I'm being in the mafia. but their fucking high, half. They come in and take 40 fucking percent. Yeah.

You know, I look at, I look at, my acting career is a wash. It's a wash. Because unless you act every week, then it, you know, Jordan called us. Our friend Jordan called us, and I love Jordan. I fucking love Jordan. You know why I love Jordan? Why? Because Jordan never tells you.

Talks to you about nothing about, nothing about being hard something is. Listen, I know it's hard to fucking get three. Listen, it's hard to book two jobs. Do you know how the SAG works? Yeah, you have to do three jobs? You have to do two jobs. So the first one is free. So if they give you $100,000 for a movie, that's yours.

Okay. That's gratis. Then the second one that you book, you have to go see SAG and give them $2,500. And you give them $2,500 up front. What's the editing one? It's the same thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How much is the editing one?

It's about $2,000 when you start. And you're starting. And they got financing as available now. Yeah. You know, on PayPal or whatever the fuck they got you on. When I fucking joint SAG, there was no payment plan a lot. They were fucking communists. They were like, it's $12.50 or don't do the job.

And you're like, can I pay you afterward? No. You got to pay them up front. They don't take it out of your check after well. They're scavengers. They'll drink the blood from a fucking, a dead black dude on Black History Month. They don't give a fuck. but SAG was snooty.

So let's pretend you join SAG. So you pay the 25. So let's go back to Jordan. So fucking Jordan is a type of kid that came to me a year ago, asked me a few questions, got an agent, you know, got an agent, and everybody else is telling you they can't got nothing. You know how many comedians I know that don't do dick, and Jordan just fucking grabbed this career by the ball?

He's acting like every week. Every week. He's on Twitter. He just did a movie or something in Orange County or something. Yeah, and listen, half of these things you'll never see daylight or some of them you will. But it doesn't matter. You're living your dream. Yeah.

You know, and he took it by storm. So I got to give the kid credit. So he didn't get the jobs like I got him. He got him by being extras. You know, like some jobs he'll take as a lead and some jobs, this motherfucker will work as an extra. Which to me is very humbling. That's fucking very, very humbling to me for somebody to do something like that. Fuck it. The same way I used to do. Some weeks I'd open up for Joe and some weeks I'd headline.

Comedy clubs will call me up. My manager agency, you can't do that, man. It hurts from me. I don't give a fuck. I'm just trying to get better at what I do. I'm just trying to bang it from every fucking direction. Who the fucking am I that? Oh, I only headline. Fuck you. I'll jump in the bottom slot, whatever. That's what you do when you're a fucking soldier. But I only shoot people. Get the fuck in there. Get that bayonet and you're stabbing the fucking kidney. You know what I'm saying? Fuck it. Yeah.

You gotta get excited. But what was I talking about? I got a eye. I forgot when I was talking about. We were talking about taxes and Jordan. So Jordan, so fucking Jordan calls me and he got his two vouchers. He's ready, he's SAG eligible. Okay.

It's $2,500. He's got the money. And his agent and a bunch of other people told him, don't go SAG. Which in some circles, it's smart because there's two options you could do. You could be screen actors, Gill, get the benefits, get the benefits, get it. Get the movies, get the fucking insurance, get all that shit, or become SAG and then you become something. But that you're allowed to work non-union, you just don't have to pay dues and you don't

get any of their benefits. But you're still SAG. Why be SAG if you're not going to get the benefits? Which aren't none. It's not like I'm falling over myself. It's not like you get 20% off at a clothing store or 50% off at the movie theaters. You get none of that. Like you get 10% off at sushi in the Valley and nothing.

You get none of that. The only thing I use my screen actors go for is for the classes they have to offer. Because sometimes they do have great classes, like, you know, for 35 bucks, acting in front of the camera, whatever, who knows, you know? You go down there on a Monday night, you might learn something. For 35 bucks, you know, you blow 35 bucks when you go to the Mediterranean place.

Do you follow me? Yeah. I can't see like 600 bucks for a class. But for 35 bucks, for seven weeks, what else are you doing on a Tuesday night from 7 to 10? Jerking the fuck off, watching TV. Go down there, you might learn something. You might meet somebody.

You know, I don't want to go on another tangent. But Jordan called, and he goes, Joey, what do you think? And I go, join. You know, and I'm very proud of you. I told him, Jordan, I'm fucking proud of you. That's what I'm talking about. There's still a couple fucking soldiers left that you wake up in morning. You see, I'm getting sick and tired of this happening,

and this is what I'm going to do. He got a fucking agent. He got an agent. So I'm very proud of Jordan. I don't know if you listen. I don't know if you're still awake. I know he hangs up. The comedy stole those savages at night.

Yeah, it was for me, him, and it's anybody, but him particularly, he comes to all the shows. He did what I, he stopped working his night job, like six months or a year before I stopped working mine. So it's nice, it's good to see that, because he's, he's just making, he doesn't have, like, I have, luckily out of the podcast, he's just doing it with acting. He's making his rent and. Listen, it's very nice to have a fucking, everybody wants to be a Wollender, but nobody. wants to remove the net. Oh, the fine will end. Okay. Okay. Yeah. That net, Lee,

is very important in life. That net that we all have naturally, that we all need to feel, if you're going to make a stride, you've got to remove that fucking net. Yeah. So remember, everybody wants to be a fucking willender, but nobody wants to do life without that fucking net. Yeah. And that's where the money comes in. That's where the real

happiness comes in. That's where the true satisfaction comes in. Disregard, I said money. Disregard, I say anything else. That's what the true satisfaction comes in. You know, I go to fucking Jiu-Jitsu. And sometimes I go on Jiu-Jitsu pages, and I read pages, web pages. You know, I'm not doing anything. I'll read like Cabrini's webpage, or I read like Eddie Bravo's webpage,

and they'll all say at the end that this is what you gain from Jitsu. You gain confidence, you gain mobility, you gain, you lose weight, you get stronger. And those things are all great. But the most important thing you gain is the sense of doing something. For me, yesterday I went to Jiu-Jitsu and a fucking Japanese woman that weighs a third of me fuck me up yesterday.

Really? Yeah. Now, me being me, I should have been depressed. I should have pulled the head and make me suck my dick or something. I understood it because for me it's something else Jiu-Jitsu.

And the guy smaller than me was beating me up for a little while. You know, until I took control. But guess what, Lee? I made the class. I did all the drills. I stayed till 2.30. that's what you get from doing little things.

Yeah. Whether it's going to the gym, whether it's going to the library and writing for yourself and seeing, this is all part of a process we do here at the church. There was nobody. Listen, man, guys, I wish I had a camera

or I wish I had something that would tape what was in my mind before I got on that fucking car and went to, on the road for Tribble the first time. Or the first time I got in the car and moved to Seattle with $300 in my pocket, how about coming to L.A. with $180 cash in your pocket and living in an RV with a stripper? That's how I came into this town. I didn't come into this town with $12,000 and a credit card in a fucking car

and a trust fund or a parent that I could call. I came in here with nothing. So don't tell me about safety nets. When you have a dream, that safety net for you to move forward has to disappear one day. You know, and listen, man, I respect a lot of comedians that kept their day jobs, and, you know, they do a couple comedy gigs at night. That made it work for them. But I don't really think they saw the beauty of what this is all about.

There's a beauty to this. And the beauty is that we, on the first of the month, you could be the funniest guy in the world or the most unfunniest guy in the world, and we both started zero. Yeah, how we fill that month is what makes you a professional. how you fill that month how you stay patient and go to cheap Lee it's the 15th and I don't have a gig

and I'm down to $80 and believe in yourself if you went out every night and did calmly something's going to happen and Lee I will look you in the fucking face Lee and tell you that something does

always happen even if even if you have a gig and they go we got to pay you a week later at least I come to Lee and Lee I need $300 for my rent, bro. It's $600. I got $3.

I got a check for four next week. At least you have that. You understand me? At least... This is why I always tell people keep your shit low when you become an artist or whatever fucking word you have

because I can always go to something and borrow $50 from my car payment. I can't borrow $6.50 for my BMW payment. Yeah. Somebody will look at you and go, you have a BMW. Sell that motherfucker and get a tricycle.

Yeah. No, no, it's true. and it's funny like a month or so ago I was saying to you I don't know how you feel your day we're not having a full-time job yesterday I started at 7.30 in the morning and I didn't stop until like 10 at night and I was tired but it was like yesterday's podcast with Rick was like one of the most fun times I'd ever had and I for free like I wasn't making any money from it but it was a fucking awesome time

listen man in the beginning you're not going to make money yeah And in the beginning, what I say to you? It's different when you go into a job from 9 to 5. Yeah. Then when you create your own job from 9 to 5. Boy, is it different? Yeah. It's different when I'm like, and yeah, I work out of home.

And like yesterday, I worked for two hours. I went to Jiu-Jitsu. I came back. I went food shopping. I came back. I wrote for an hour. I sent some emails. Your whole day is surrounded about certain things.

You know that at some times of the day you can't contact certain people. All this is in my head. Like I said, I have a notebook. And it tells you in that fucking notebook. exactly what I have to do at the minute of every fucking day. And that's the only way I'm making it happen now. But back to this conversation

that I really want to touch with because this podcast is really based on addiction, fear, you know, health, but the other part is is going for it. Yeah. This is what the church is about. It's going for it. And it's the biggest fucking fear we have

at any level is what Lee just talking about, how to go from having a job with all this going on to saying, you know what, fuck you. I'm going to make my own money. I got fucking 400 in the bank, and I'm going to fucking make it work. My rent is 1,500,

and I'm going to make it work every fucking month. It takes a certain individual. Yeah. It definitely, definitely, definitely takes a certain individual. And I'll tell you, I never thought I could be that individual. I'm going to look you in the eye. I'm going to tell my fucking people who listen to this shit

that I never thought I had what it takes to get up and on the first. You have to look at your month subjectively and go, wow. I got to get a car payment. insurance, child support, clothes, food, and at the end of the month, if you do the work. Joey, but what's the work?

Okay, let me tell you what the work is. Lee, what do you got Monday night? I got nothing. The laugh factory didn't call. That's what a suck-ass comic says to you. Yeah, a real comic says, I got three spots. Where are you going? I got a coffee shop in Canoga Park at 9.30.

I got a bar in fucking, Pasadena at 1015 and I got another fucking cave I'm doing in El Rancho Cucamanga at 12. I'm not getting paid for any of them. Automatically I'm minus 30 because it's my car and my gas.

Let's say you do that five nights in a row. I'm going to tell you what happens by the third night. By Wednesday you're going to get in your car and you're going to go, I got a half a tank of gas, I got a check that's coming on Friday, and what the fuck am I going to do? Well, you get in your car, you drive for that car, and I am

While you're at that gig, through the grace of God, somebody's going to knock on your fucking shoulder and go, hey, man, where are you going next? And you're like, I got a, no, no, no, no. What's his name? Fell out. Can you come over there? You pick up $50. And you're like, really? $50 fucking.

Go down there tonight. Yeah, let's go. And you go out and you pick up the $50 fucking dollars. And when you're down there, Rudy Morano's leaving. You go, hey, Rudy, what's up? And he goes, hey, man, where are you doing tomorrow night? I got a gig that pays dirty. You know, to their fucking people who are listening.

You're like, Joey, 30 and 50. Go fuck your mother. No. When you're a beginner, that 30 and 50 is the world. That's 80 fucking bucks. That's 80 bucks you made because you got up and got off the couch. So you got dirty to pay for your gas tank, and you made fucking 50. Which you could do whatever you want.

You could do blow. You could buy fucking catnip. You could buy fucking cat litter or cat food. Do you understand what I'm going with this? Yeah. So nothing ever happens on the couch. And I learned that from comedy. which I learned from cocaine.

You know what I'm saying? You can't make money at home. Nothing happens at home. But with comedy, I don't know how it is with music. You know, I don't know, and I know a lot of musicians listen to this. I don't know how it is with art or poetry.

I don't know how it works. But I do know getting out is better than staying in. Yeah. And what do you need to go out for? Well, Joey, I need money. No, you don't need to drink. You don't need to drink. You don't need to fucking drink.

It's a coffee shop. Get a fucking black coffee for 80 cents. And tip her a dollar. You had, when I lived in Seattle, I went out with a budget at night, dog. Oh, yeah. I went out with $5. And that $5 had to get me a soda, nachos, and had to get me a tip. I had to get something out of that fucking $5.

And thank God Josh Boop showed up from time to time. And thank God Gavin or Brody Stevens showed up. And they had an extra $2. You understand me? But that's the camaraderie that comes by taking a chance. I never want anybody at home to think that, you know, you do all these good things in your life. And all of a sudden, you open up a door to whether being comedian or being a comedian or, being enacted. The most important thing is losing that fucking safety net. That safety net,

and once you, let me tell you something, once you blow out that safety net, Lee, your life takes a fucking powerful. Your life gets this power to it. Now you have a value. Yeah. You're not. And listen, man, we all need jobs. We all need help in different areas. But there's nothing like being independently free. There's nothing like waking up in the morning going today I got to work for myself. And I got nothing coming in, but this is what I got to make happen. Yeah. And sticking to the grindstone and sending fucking emails.

And I used to do it all the time. Lee, I did it all the fucking time. You know, I used to get the breakdowns at home, which were the things that actors get to see what movies are at. And I fucking stuffed the envelopes. And by 9 o'clock, I'd be in my car with no gas in my car. I'd be in my fucking car with no fucking gas dropping off envelopes because I knew Spider-Man 2 I got because I

dropped an envelope ball. Yeah. Can you imagine that? The biggest movies of the fucking year in 2005 or four I got from dropping an envelope off in January at Sony. And I remember thinking this is the same lady who cast

Pretty Woman. I forget what the name is now. You know, Pretty Woman was a huge movie in my genre in 87. When I seen this movie, Spider-Man 2, they were looking for character faces, but going, you know what, I'm going to do the paperwork or whatever, but I'm not going to get this. But what else am I doing today?

Yeah. I'm going to recover from the cocaine I did last night. I'm going to play with the cats, and I'm going to smoke pot and watch Law & Order. I go, what does it take me to go to Sony? 30 minutes and 30 minutes back? It's an hour out of my day, and usually you have to drop a package off at the office. Yeah. I dropped it off at the gate because at Sony you don't let you in.

And they actually give it to the people? They give it to the people. Wow. and I got a call three months later three months fucking later I dropped the envelope off in January and I got to call February, March, April three months fucking later

and I booked it within two fucking hours like usually have to wait like even grudge match I have to wait four weeks no I went into Spider-Man too on a Tuesday and by Wednesday afternoon bab boom Jesus that's awesome no yeah I mean I'm it's uh it's still scary for me

I'm still on the stage where people keep calling me for jobs. And I'm like, oh, fuck. Elite, take a job. If a job suits your schedule for a few weeks. No, there's no job. I mean, and I don't want to. It's not that I want to. It's just.

I mean, do what you got to do? And just to give yourself a little. I mean, it's not. I mean, the thing about if I took a job, I couldn't do, I mean, I don't think because I couldn't take a day one. And I couldn't, if I did a night one, I wouldn't be able to do the podcast during the day. So it's not worth it. It's not that I want to take a job.

It's that. like Jordan he must have like when you when you first make that step there's still a little bit of you're still a little scared and people still think of you as working so they they offer you the job and it's a it's a process of getting to the point where people don't expect you like my parents still every day say so are you planning a job? No no no no I'm working on the podcast. They're like oh yeah yeah that's right. Like every day my dad says sorry have you looked at the job board recently? I'm like nah not recently. Let me tell you some. I'm going to tell you some of the sincere way. You gain a different power also

by telling these people are calling you for jobs, no. No, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. That's a different power. So now people are going to start going, don't call Lee because he's not going to take the job or they're going to go call him and offer him more money. Now you're becoming more powerful.

Yeah. Because you're saying no. No, I don't want to do that. No. No is a very powerful, especially entertainment business. So now in about a month, you're going to get the call. for your job of your life.

You know, 12 to 2, edit, whatever, maybe an assistant. Watch. Yeah. Because this is how life happens. Now life will test you in a month. Oh, yeah. What the fuck. I'm going to tell you something, but I don't mean to interrupt anybody.

I don't mean to change this like this. I mean to, I like them. I like the product. I get impressed with little things. I talked to you about Ruth Chris and Burbank. Yeah. When we went that day and you got the cheeseburger, which I bet was delicious. Yeah, it was great.

If you look at their lunch menu now, Ruth Chris, they have pulled pork sandwich, they have cheese and grilled cheese and tomato soup for $9.99. They have a prime rib on some type of seeded roll with horseradish for $14.95 for lunch, and it comes with fruit and something else. You know, and what this tells me is that Ruth Chris said, fuck it, we're not going to make a living selling $57 steaks for lunch. That's a great idea in our mind. but let's create a lunch fashion like the Chinese people did. The reason why we all eat Chinese food is because it's $4.90 fucking 5. You get the soup, the noodles, the salad, the egg roll, the fucking spare rib. You get it all for $4.95, and it cost them $0.9.

But to make a point here that in the future, you know, times are getting tougher and people got to, you know, I went to Ruth Chris with Lee and my wife one day, and I realized that this place was packed for lunch. I'm like, holy fuck. Why is this packed? Then I saw the lunch. So a week later, before my wife left that Saturday, me and her went back again because Wana had the baby,

and we had to go fill out paperwork for something. So on the way back, she goes, do you want to stop at Langer's or something? Went by Langers. We had to go downtown to the bank. It was packed. So I go, fuck it, we'll just stop it. Christmas Friday, Wana, and we'll get the lunch special.

And this time when I was eating the lunch special, which I got the salad, the manager came over, and I said, can I tell you something? I go, I really want to thank you. for making this, everybody could eat this. Not just people who work at Warner Brothers or Fox or Disney. You made this possible so everybody could come into Ruth Chris

and have a great dining experience. To grilled cheese and fucking soup for $9. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah. You know, that's a great deal. So I shake them and he's like, you know, a lot of people don't thank me. You're a weird guy.

I'm like, yeah, you know, the same little guy when we were there. Yeah. The same little short guy. And I love when people create a value, for you. Yeah. I love it. You're letting me know, you're letting me know that you're in. You're not letting me know that you're fucking me in the ass. You're letting me know that you're my partner. To try your product, but in a way, you've eliminated a lot of cost and made me a partner. It's a profit for me in a way to do business with you because I can't lose. Yeah. This morning I went

in the shower and you know, you're going to shower, 10 after 5, you're a little tired, you hit shit, you touch shit that's not, I hit the rack that has the soap. and the shaving thing. Yeah. And the thing fell, the thing fell hard. The soap, you know, shoots to the back of the thing. You got to turn around in the shower and get it. And the razor blade and the handle fell,

and the razor didn't fall from the thing. Oh, wow. And I picked it up, and I started shaving with it this morning. And this is a dollar shave club raisin. And this isn't even an ad I'm putting together. I'm telling you people this from the heart. I've had this razor for seven months. Yeah.

And this razor, I have one in the shower and one in my bag. and I dropped the one in the bag a thousand times and different showers and hotels. This is a good fucking product. For the dollar, the $6 and the $8? $9.9 package? Yeah. This is not bad for every four weeks.

They do everything they can to cater for you. If I was a regular fucking American today, a regular guy that had a job, I'd go on Dollar Shave Club or Joey Dears.net, go to Dollar Shave Club, press in church, and get the $6 package. Now, they're going to be mad at me.

They're going to say, Joey, your job is to sell our price. Listen to me, I'm giving you a tremendous value here for $6 a fucking month, which is $72 a year. Yeah. $72 a year.

You're going to get four blades. You're going to get a strong fucking handle. The one I'm telling you that this could be a fucking weapon. I'm telling you, if you click the thing, you poke somebody in the fucking eye with it, you could use this as a weapon. Not only that, they have a thing that if, for some reason, you're only shaving twice a week,

and you don't want all your wrist. razors that month, you could click a thing when they email you and they'll postpone it for that month and they still owe you the four razors. So don't worry about you have razors like in the fucking bank. Let's see you got a chick with a hairy pussy that needs to shave. You email them, they'll send you all your razors.

Now you can save this chick's pussy. What I'm trying to say is it's a great deal, man. We all need a great deal today and it's very seldom when somebody gives it to you. If I was you, right fucking now, right now. Go to Joey Deers.com. Go to fucking Dollar Shave Club. Press Joey

in there. Church. Church, I'm so sorry. Press church in there and get your fucking razor blade. It's $6 a month. You don't have, Joey, I don't have $6 a month. I know you got $12 a year. Go for the dollar package. Listen, they got one-white charlie's that you wipe your asshole with and it smells like

peppermint. You never had that. Then they also work for the nut sack too. Oh, God, yeah. You take the thing, you open it up and you just grab your nutsack. Like you're grabbing them, like the grip of death, and you just scrub. Kind of clockwise and clockwise, you The balls are fucking tremendous.

They got the fucking shaving cream. Trust me, go to Dollar Shave Club. I wouldn't, I just was thinking about values and what I do for you people and what you do for me and how we trade off. And this is a great trade by you guys doing this. I don't make a dollar from you going to them one way or another. They pay me a flat fucking rate. My point is, it's a great value.

You're there, you support the podcast. There you have it. Dollar Shave Club, Pressing Church, get your fucking razor blade. Yesterday, Lee and I were at lunch or coffee. And I was telling Lee about, you know, we fuck around here. And I kidnapped that dude, you know, Kent Vela in 1987. And I did some time over it. And it bothered me for a long time because I'm sure he suffered.

You know, I'm sure that that was a long day from being tied up in a trunk of a car and getting driven around and not knowing where they're going to shoot you or not the poor fucking kid. And I got a hold of him on Facebook. And I had him calling to the podcast. and I apologize. I apologized from the bottom of my heart, guys, because I knew I couldn't move forward in my life unless I apologized to this kid for kidnapping him

for ruining his day and taking this fucking blow. About a week ago, I called him. Like I do with anybody who's ever been around me. I called him and checked in with him, and he called me back. And it must have been about 9 o'clock at night. It was a Sunday night. I think my wife was sleeping

because I was on the living room when he called back. And he sounded like he was fucking Hammond, which he probably was. the last couple times I've spoken to him at night. He's been a habit. And then he told me what was really going on because since I have apologized to him, we've been talking more and more.

And I asked him how his job was, and he says his job was great. And he told me that he was living with his mother. I didn't know that in Tucson. And he also told me that he had had a heart attack. And I knew something was a matter because his speech was fucked up. And I got out the phone with him,

and I got to tell you some people. I felt really guilty. I felt guilty because I felt like I contributed to his bad luck afterward. But you know what? I was telling me yesterday I don't feel bad. I love Vela and I'm really sorry that I kidnapped. It was a bad day for everybody. But at the same time, when I fucking came out of prison, I didn't learn my lesson.

I kept fucking snorting. You know, I didn't keep thievery. I didn't keep that shit up. But I kept down on my little scams. I knew how to get money, you know, and that could have been me. You know, that could have been me that got the heart attack or how to live with this fucking mother had to live on Lee's fucking floor for a while or

you know and it just makes me feel bad because we've discussed this two weeks ago where drugs you know the cool guy in high school it's a fucking dead end you know this fucking guy was a good looking dude this Kent fella guy good looking guys good fucking

you know when I met him he had gotten arrested on DUI and he got cut or something he went to jail and he robbed the fucking hospital he went to they put him the hospital, or stitch him up or something? Yeah. And while he was getting stitched up, he robbed the liquid coke from the hospital.

He broke him to the pharmacy. So you understand what his mentality was. I never wanted anybody. I did something that was very wrong, but I don't want anybody to think that I just picked this guy out of the choir and took him in for Coke. You know, he knew what was on his end of the bargain also. And it's so weird how sometimes in life we'll take a situation if we really want to and we'll make it ours.

And we'll put guilt on ourselves and they won't let you move forward. Like the first time I had this is when my mother died. Because days later, I thought about that I heard a yelling at night. You know, and I always heard a yelling at night for me to come down and eat. But that night that she died, she was yelling for me to come down, but I didn't come down. And it could have been that she was yelling because she was having a fucking heart attack. And for maybe three months, because of my weaker side, I lived with that. And I thought to myself that maybe I could have saved her life.

But we all know that when the man sends her fucking good. night night card it's over you're leaving whether jerry came down and saved her or not and it's so weird that i could have done so many things i could have beat myself up i could end up in counseling i could have done so many fucking things to make that situation mine and i knew at an early age that wouldn't get me nowhere so i didn't claim it i didn't not fucking claim until today i'm not going to claim it either she died because she died that's just the way life is it wasn't because i didn't run downstairs to help her when she was getting a heart attack and the same thing goes her You know, I didn't contribute to his heart attack.

I saw Vela in 94 at this club called Pearls on Pearl Street in Boulder. And I saw him at the bar. I went in there because I knew the bartender. I knew her boyfriend and I knew that they knew where I could get Coke. It was like 11 o'clock at night. I was desperate and I went in there and there's Vela and I asked him. And he gave me the fucking Coke. He sold me to Coke and that night he was on heroin.

You know, so I was on Coke. He had already surpassed Coke. He had Coke and he was doing heroin. nose so I was telling Lee that you know I just felt badly I felt bad that he had a choice in life and I had a choice in life and I'm not gonna tell you that I didn't get fucked up either like I tell people all the time if you watch that episode of my name is Earl 2007 it's 2014 now 2007 this tooth was fucking black from the coat when you drip that coat goes into your nose yeah it goes into

your gums oh my god it goes into your front teeth that's why a lot of times all those meth people and all that shit I had that I didn't have meth mouth I had a Coke mouth oh Jesus and uh you know I didn't know that I did that yeah man when you do the when those fucking that shit called the drips that's why I'm people do

And then watch your teeth? Well after fucking 20 years I'll do something because it goes into that area you're doing it and you know so it goes downward so for some reason this tooth is starting to turn black like it was killing the fucking nerve late Oh Jesus Christ It's fucked up it's fucked up man

you know it's fucked up what what the fuck Lee it's Wednesday where's that music you have for me you know music today nothing

who's gonna call today nobody I don't give a fuck I don't want nobody to call today it's all day today wash your pussy clean your asshole

it's a beautiful day it's Valentine's week send us some flowers send us some chocolate send us something you want to eat that fucking monkey you gotta make it happen huh

yeah yeah yeah what's up you don't want to take a of this monster. What? With all the mommies.

With all the mommies. What? Oh shit. Spark that motherfucker. Do some jumping jacks. Touch your toes. Do something. You're fucked.

Oatmeal. Scrub the barnacles out of the assholes. It's a new day. What league? Let me see you wiggle for Popper. You don't wiggle for me in all, God, sir. Get up, you gotta get up.

You can't wiggle sitting down. Let me see your move. A little move like this like Biggie. What? What? Oh shit. I love the one. You call me Big Popper.

What? Un. You call me Big Pop, What? Un. Suck it. Cuck, Sugger. What's going on, Doug?

What are you doing this weekend? Paul is coming over, but I was just thinking about, because I forget, I don't know why I thought about it, but what was your process? Did you become a citizen? Or how did that, how did that work? Because Paula's mom is becoming a citizen today. So she's really excited. So you're not going down there with them, give her the flags?

They only only let one person in the room. I'm going to go have dinner with him tonight. You bring her flowers? I got her something for Valentine's Day. You should fucking play a national anthem for in the car and be saying shit on it. I'll make a special one. Spanish? I want to talk over Spanish.

Do the National Anthem regular. Yeah. And me say, Evantate puta. Lava to da pula. That means wash your asshole. Oh, she'd love it. Lava del culo!

That means wash your fucking asshole. Mamma me la pinga. That means suck my dick. I love it. Today you're going to learn a little Spanish on the church. Let me give some shot, honestly. Hold on here.

How about Paul Seguura? How about Biff Sweetwater? How about Tee? Barca, Jimmy Dominguez, Dead Squad, Nashville, Grand Rapids, and all other areas. I love you, motherfuckers. Karina, you can't pronounce it anyway. I love you too, you dirty bitch. My people fucking water boxing, fucking Cleo, always in the fucking house.

I love you guys. Constantine, the fucking kid that's in Germany, Leo. I love you, motherfuckers. Leon, whatever the fucking name is. Who knows? You know what I'm talking about little Spanish kid in Germany. Tell him he's not fucking confused. What else we?

You're sitting there, looking around all fucking confused. No, I got... Talk to me about Hulu. Fuck, Valentine's. Talk to me about Hulu Plus. You get two weeks for free. You get original programming. You get TV shows.

You get movies. You get documentaries, correct? I'll get all that. For how much a month? Well, it's two weeks for free, $7.99 a month. And remember, the webpage gives you one week for free. Because you're a church member and you're over here eating with us. Boom, you get two weeks for free.

That's how we put it together. Hulu Plus. Go to Joey Dears. Go to the Hulu Plus box press. Chelly, Joey, J-O-E-Y, get two weeks for free. That's right. Two weeks for free. Come again, two weeks for free.

How many weeks to leave? Two weeks for free. $7.99 a month after that. Original programming shows like Brooklyn 9-9. You're going to get fucking movies. You're going to get the Dune with Seth Myers. It's just tremendous. Go to Hulu Plus.

You will not be fucking sorry. My wife was watching Hulu Plus yesterday in Nashville with the baby. That's how strong Hulu. No matter where you go on your phone. fucking phone on your fucking iPad on your eyeball through the iPhone fucking glasses everything is possible now you understand me that's how we make it happen also like us you always want to be fucking healthy you want to try yesterday I went to Jiu-jitsu you're saying Joey are you sore fuck no I'm not sore why because I

took the fucking Shroom Tech because I took the hemp force protein right after I got back from the fucking Jiu-jitsu I took the hemp force protein two scoops with a little glute core these things are helping me live better Am I losing some weight? Yeah, I feel a little fucking lighter. My endurance is getting a little bit better, but not really that much. It's short little strides. But still, like I was telling Lee, I'm 51 years old next Wednesday,

and I go to fucking Jiu-Jitsu. I'm going to kettlebell class this morning after I take my shroom tech. I give it an hour and a half to kick in. And all these things help me. Go to fucking joey-deers.com. Check out the tour dates at the same time. Go to the on-it box. What are you pressing the box, Lee?

You're pressing church. Church into the on-it-box. Get 10% off. You know, Annet's doing great things. They got kettlebells. They got the battle ropes. They got a fucking contest that you go and march and go see Robbie Lawler

fighting fucking Fidel, whatever his name is. They got all these things, they got the stay on a program where you get the fucking stuff delivered right to your door for 20% off on a monthly fucking level. You don't leave the house. You don't got to reorder.

This is the shit we do for you with Onit. Hulu Plus. Nature's Box, another great company. They just sent me another box of stuff the rice chips, they sent me these figs. My daughter ate some. These guys do not fuck around in Nature's box.

I wouldn't be fucking with these guys if they were slipping. All their products are good. The cocoa almonds. The Agostino even ordered from them. Oh, really? The Agostino showed up the other day with some caramel something. That was fucking delicious. All their

stuff is fresh. The ingredients, the nutritionist fucking approved, please. Go to the fucking joie dears.com. Go to the box. You have 50% off your first order And after that you gotta pay full fucking pop But just order a few bags a month And when you still want to stop and just cancel it

It's that easy Go to joeydeers.net You got Hulu plush You got on it, you got Nature's Box You know, I'm here for you people You people think these are fucking ads And I'm breaking your balls No, I'm giving you a good fucking product

And a good fucking price Get down there, stop fucking around And dilly dallying all right These motherfuckers Always dilly dallying about something Lee, you bad motherfucker But Guess his birthday days today.

I just find out on Twitter. Who? Who? Abraham Lincoln, your favorite? I know it was Abraham Lincoln's birthday. Now, is it a national holiday? Is there? Are the schools closed?

I know. I think President's Day is sometime in... That's Monday. Oh, okay. Monday. So the thing is, you have no school Friday for Abe Lincoln, and you have no school Monday for George Washington, so it's a long fucking weekend.

Nice. That's really nice. So today's Abe Lincoln's birthday. God give them... And it's Black History Month. Somebody, please, send me a... picture of a black asshole. Something.

It's Black History Month. Either black ass. Do something. Fucking read the emancipation Draclamation. Fucking listen to Michael Jackson's songs. Do something. Happy birthday, Abe Lincoln, Coxucker. Thank you for freeing the slaves.

Thank you for being a bad motherfucker that you are looking like Frankenstein with AIDS. And whatever happened, happen. I love you. Then Monday's George Washington's birthday. Okay. Him of this fucking Apple Tree. And then Wednesday's your birthday. What are you going to do for your birthday?

The truth? Yeah. Me, Mercy, because they come back Tuesday night. Yeah. And me, Mercy, my wife, we're going to go to this museum, a kid's museum, old by Sepulah there. Okay. And then we're going to go to, uh, we're going to come home and get a Carvel cake.

Oh, nice. I'm going to light one candle, and that's the end of the day. That's what my birthday wishes. I know we're going to go eat lunch. We're going to eat lunch somewhere that the baby likes, probably some Cuban food because she likes black beans and rice. Oh, they're good. That's funny.

I got, I got, I got, probably, Carvel cake from Ralph. They have them in Ralph's now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're good. I had one for the baby's birthday, and it was fucking delicious. That shit starts... Because at first they rock hard. Yeah.

Oh, you got to leave it outside for two hours and let it defrost and shit. That's a fucking nightmare. But after a while, they're pretty fucking good. After a few hours, that's it, man. I'm 51. What the fuck do you? You're not going to go around to a club in Hollywood? Oh, yeah.

I'm going to get a booth and have a party. It's Joey's party. Please, RSV. Get the fuck out of it. Nothing bothers me more on that shit. Nothing. I have a fucking retarded friend, Stacy. Yeah.

And she hangs out with those retarded type LA people. Yeah. They love you, but they're all a bunch of fucking fakes. If you need to bail money, they wouldn't answer the fucking phone. Because that's the people who go to those things. A people who, when you call for bail money, you hang up on you. It's that type of friends. That's all they are.

Oh, my God. We love you so much. That's why we're here. Get the fuck out of my face. Meanwhile, you're looking at my wife, the fuck her in the ass. Get the fuck out of my face. You fucking. You fuck with fucks.

They're all this. I don't want no birthday. Listen, after you're fucking 20, you have a birthday party, you're a fucking pussy. Seriously. After you're a fucking 20, you're a fucking pussy. You're going to have a birthday party and people are going to come over. It was amazing. Oh, my God.

Get the fuck out of here with your fakeness. I want that shit. Like, I wouldn't go to a birthday party after fucking 20 if you paid me. I don't. I didn't respond to those fucking things. Really? Yeah. Really?

You're 28. You're going to have a party. Invite eight fucking steps to do what? To do what? Jump up and down. Get the fuck out of here. You spend it with your family. People are close to you.

You go eat dinner. You go to steak somewhere. I remember one of the best birthdays I had was 1985. I was 22 years old, probably. 23 years old. And that was like one of my first birthdays. My best birthdays.

I went to a double feature. And I went to the enchanted lily and had Cessuan shredded beef in Jersey with some white rice and an egg roll. God. Damn! Jesus. I'm simple.

Why do you remember that? Because it was, it was, it was a birthday where I was very lonely. I remember how alone I was. Like I had no fucking friends. I lived in a hotel room.

I saw George once in a while. I saw Loubs once in a while. And it was just a time for me to find myself. You know, it was the first time I had been by myself. I was always living on somebody's couch. I was always doing something like that. And it was just one of those things where it's enlightening sometimes. just to spend the day by yourself

and get to know you and enjoy you. At that time, I was a piece of shit and I enjoyed me. Like, my conscience was getting the best of me and I still enjoyed me. I just liked it, you know, and it's just weird. And people get pissed off.

I'm going to say that shit about birthday parties, but I fucking hate it. Yeah. And my friend Stacy, she's into all that shit where they meet at a bar at 7. Listen, at 7 o'clock, we're in fucking traffic.

if you're normal. If you leave them work at 5, do you know what I'm saying? I got to shoot to Wilshire to some fake fucking bar and you look at the appetizers, they reach $20 and I don't want to tell you. That's not me, man, and fake hugs and we love you and pictures

and everybody's got to take a picture with you to show how much they love you. I don't like that shit. You want to show me how much they love me when I call you for bail money, answer the phone. That's all I want from somebody. That's all you really want

is for them to have your back. That shit about birthdays and stupid get-together. Let's go fuck yourself. Now she's in charge of some fucking travel thing where her and 12 other fucking stamencus with no lives at the end of that fucking rope. Get together and go to some vacation as fucking strangers.

Next thing you know, you're in fucking Bulgaria with 15 people climbing some mountain. Get the fuck out of you. Get the fuck out of you. What the fuck is wrong with people? Huh? I don't know. You want to do that?

Some friends adventure. You go with 12 fucking strangers? No, I don't want to travel with anybody. you know but after a point after a point in your life man you accept things you wouldn't accept I have a friend right now I was telling Lila last night I left my phone

the phone has the best alarm in the world the iPhone if you really need to wake up I hate waking up to it it goes wha wah blah blah blah it sounds like I told you like the world's gonna end that's what it sounds like you're waking up the cold red yeah and they just dropped a bomb

and uh I left them in the bedroom last night. And as soon as I fucking laid down and put the mask on the fucking phone night, I didn't know who it was, and I didn't care. And then three hours in, I heard, all that other shit, you know,

somebody's texting you or whatever, or whatever, I wore an email. Yeah? Like, I got a bunch of emails all night, and then I got a fucking call. You have your phone vibrate when you get an email? Yeah. Oh, God.

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing with. I think I control shit? I just let it do what it do. And then I got a call from a girl. She called twice. She called like 2.30. Then she called again like a 4.30. She's a dear, dear friend of mine.

I've never slept with this woman. Nothing. Let me tell you something. This girl was 41 years old. And guys, she's a fucking 10. Ladies, she's a fucking 10. She's got big fake fucking tittyes. A tremendous ass.

A tremendous face. She's beautiful. She's just beautiful. She's a Spanish girl from Miami. And I've known her since 1997. when she was dating a friend of mine and we always stayed in touch after that and when we used to do coke

we would go out at night and get a package and do coke and it was just nice for me to be with a good-looking woman because other women would come up to me you know how many times this girl got me late

and she's always been a strong woman yeah you know and that's what I like about it she's got big fucking tits she works on her father's paint store her father has a paint store so she's if you see her in the daytime you see this hot chick dressed in white

with paint all over her You know, she has to mix the paints And she has work boots on So it's very sexy to see And she's a very sexy girl And the last year It's hit her Guys, it's hit her, ladies, it's hit her

That she's 40 And she's not married And her sister's got three fucking kids You know, it's one of those situations So I get a call Twice a week of her hammered And to make things worse She's got a boyfriend

who's younger than she is and cheated on it. Oh, no. So she's done. You could tell she's done. And I called my friend, who's her ex-boyfriend the other day, and I go, hey, man, I got to talk to you about something. You talked to her anymore?

He goes, nah, I had to stop talking to her because I got married. She goes, she's a great kid. I go, no. She just broke up with this guy, and now I could tell it's eating away at her. About a month ago, she called me late night. We had a discussion.

She had a few cocktails in it. And she told him, she asked me, what am I going to do next? She goes, I don't feel like living no more. Jesus. And I was like, Doug, looker, you know, women make mistakes when they're younger and whatever. You know, now you're 40, now you get to know.

I mean, I had a kid at 50. Yeah. So anything is possible. But you tell that to a woman. Is that big of a deal? You tell that to a fucking ugly woman. It's something. But to a woman that looks like that,

it's that big of a deal with some ladies, you know? So she called, I called her right back this morning, but she was probably passed out from the alcohol by that point. That's really weird. I was a Terry nine, eight years before I married. Yeah. But I realized what it gives a woman. It gives a woman peace of mind.

I gave her so much of a peace of mind, she still out of a fucking kid. Okay, it puts them where they belong sometimes. And I thought that for years I didn't think it was important to be married. I thought it was a stupid contract. I thought it was you could just live with somebody and be, nah, you have to give these women peace of mind. Yeah. their finger. I went to Gelson's yesterday and there was this girl in front of me. That was

fucking tremendous. And I saw her pan and she didn't have a ring around the finger when I looked at the face. I kind of see the sadness. You know, she was hot, but still she's there at 6 o'clock buying her own groceries. So how fucking hot was she? You know, why wasn't there some fucking nerd guy rubbing her feet throwing fucking roses at her one she? So it, it, I couldn't even imagine. To me, it wouldn't make a fucking difference whether I'm married or not and I was 90. but to a woman it means a lot man they're uh it's their fucking life you know it's their life you know uh to not you know you're told there's a young girl that you're gonna get married and your wedding's gonna be beautiful and you're gonna be a princess yeah and all of a sudden

you're 40 and you're fucking single i don't know no i i can i can see where it'd be tough but you want to hit this no what the fuck because i'm i'm i'm just getting the point i'm not dying I'm the fuck. You're ready for an edible today? It's been a while. Let's pop on about 12. We're sitting there. We're going to go somewhere.

That's perfect. We'll be over there. Oh, my God. We'll wait for the guy to come. You can talk to them about computers and the satellites and shit. You like all that stuff, me. Not fucking stone down. Do you even have an edible with you?

No, but I'll get one by that time. You can't give one machine. You don't have one. I'll bring one over that. When you come over at 1230, don't be an edible waiting for you. we went together like soldiers like look at the that's what kills you what is that

you get depressed right away you're like I'm not depressed yes you do I can see in your face no fucking you swallow like the fat guy and fucking the Chinese connection when he puts you to school you swallow I can see your fucking in your throat there I can't have you doing it I need for you to be fucking confident you know what I'm saying

if you're not going to be confident shit ain't gonna work so what kind of edible would you like today I like the gummies I don't I came to the taste of the other ones You like the gummies. How about if I got to be some chocolate? I don't like the chocolate. How about a Cheebo chew?

What was the last time you had a black Cheebo? 175 milligram, motherfucker? Probably the last time we're at the ice house? Hmm. Maybe two of them. You're in the move for a whole gooby today. Okay. It's been a while since you had a whole goomy.

We'll have a whole goomy together. Oh, that room is small. That's going to be fun. Which one? The room we're going to. Oh, yeah. And the beauty is if you pass out, just put you in a corner. A little blankie on you lock the door

and it's over. You wake up it's nappy noo time over on Burbank Boulevard. Nappy Nanynda. You ever go to nappy no no time? Come second. No. And I also, today, will like to welcome my brothers from West New York, New Jersey. Two kids I love. My man Dave and Pete, I love you motherfuckers.

They're over there putting it together. Remember, for all you oil and fucking, uh, whatever, smoking motherfuckers. For all you oil and wax-looking motherfuckers. The premier vapor pen. Go to NailedItLife.com. My man, Dave, and Pete the Heat

will take good fucking care of you. And press in 20% off your order when you mention Joey fucking Diaz. How's that? No space. No space. So go to NaileditLife.com. They got other stuff on the website

but what you're looking for is the fucking premier vapor pen. You understand me? This is the fucking best. You get a one-year warranty on the battery. We ain't fucking around here. I wouldn't recommend. Everybody always says, Joey,

what's the best vapor pen? Pemned inlife.com. Get on that fucking web page. Mention my name. Get 20% off. That's how they do it. They were at the cannabis cup this weekend. They were blowing fucking vapors

and everybody's face. People are loving it. They made new connections. These are my new fucking gumbas. I love to death. Support them. Please. Naileditlif.com. Don't fuck around.

They also have those goomies or monos. When you make a gumi that strong, you know what the fuck you're doing, all right? Why are we fucking around here? Why are we having this conversationally? And what are your plans for the weekend? Where are you taking on a Friday night, Cocks up? Friday, we're going to stay here.

We're going to go get some food and come back. One of the shows will be like on Netflix is coming out. What are what? Have you heard of House of Cards on Netflix? It's a Kevin Spacey show. That's coming out on Friday, so we're just going to do that. So you're excited. Fuck, yeah, we're excited.

And where are you getting food to go for? Let me guess. The Mediterranean? She likes it. Oh, God. I'm going to brought. I'll bring you some today. Don't bring me nothing.

All right, please. Stick to yourself. I want you to fucking get somebody after the show and event a portable juicer. I'm sure they have something. You're put in your pocket and you throw carrots and leaves. Let's say you're out there like Survivor Man. The middle of the night you're fucking hungry. You could get some leaves and throw them in there with some grass with cat piss on it and you feel fucking healthy.

What do you think? Sounds like a moneymaker. So yesterday on Rick's podcast, watched this. we talked about three Kurt Russell movies. I loved doing that. I watched all three of them the night before, right in a row. I love doing that. Because you're a fucking Mama Luca of the eight.

You could do that. You're like a bum, three movies in a row. Who does that? Six hours. Six hours. What type of my animal does that? Seven. I could see how hard you were working on that fucking couch scratching your asshole.

It was research. I had to. Research. What movies did you watch? We watched Used Cars, The Thing, and Breakdown. Breakdown. You didn't like breakdown? No, I yelled at the movie theater.

I saw that man's Chinese theater. They wouldn't die. The guy wouldn't die. It took him like an hour to die at the end, didn't it? Yeah, they didn't drop a truck on top of him? What the fuck? That's fucking badass. The wife drove me nuts,

but at the end, she just reversed the truck and the whole fucking 18-wheeler squished the dude. So you like watching movies, huh? Fuck yeah. Would you consider putting a bicycle there and watching movies while you're posting a bike? Yeah. All right, we're going to get you a bicycle this week.

My friend's got a truck full of stolen bicycles. Put it on a stamp. You can pedal while you're watching TV cuckers, six hours. Did you eat while you were sitting there? Yeah, that's the night I got Chinese soup for the throat. That's all you got? No egg rolls, no fucking kimchi. No.

Kimchi's good, though. For Korean food, I love kimchi. Keep it up. Keep it up. Korean food. Miss, you've got it together, Coxson. You just said kimchi, so you must fucking eat it. I don't, look, I wouldn't

even look at that shit. You understand me? It smells funny, I don't fucking like that shit. I don't like that, I don't like ranch, I don't like none of that shit, all right? How many times I've got to tell you? No kimchi, no Kim Donovan, for nothing, Uncle Joey, none of that shit. Again, February 22nd,

Ice House, we haven't decided what we're going to do yet. I've been thinking about a couple of fucking options. The documentary is still on payloads, the CD, is on fucking iTunes. I'm not even talking about comedy days because I don't give a fuck right now. It's at the end of the month.

Right now we've got more important things like what you're going to do this weekend and what you're going to do today. You're going to sit there like a fucking mutt and take what we talked about and just sprinkle on your thing. No fucking safety nets in life. You want to go for something,

fucking go for it. Take the net off. If not, go shoot yourself because you're going to get the same fucking result, man. Lee's seeing it now. You know what? Lee is like, you know what,

I need to start making more. Just you got to give it a chance. There's no good deed that goes undone. Trust me. Fucking trust me in this life. You get up sometimes and you do something for free and you go, you know, why am I doing? It's the people that you do if I don't appreciate you.

Yeah. That's when it sucks. That's why I don't do those fucking movies no more and nothing because it sucks. You know, you want me for a fucking movie. You want something for something. You got to pay. You got to have a little commitment there.

You got to buy lunch. You got to do something. These motherfuckers want everything for free. Fuck those bitches. Trust what I'm telling you, man. No good fucking deed goes undone. You go for something. Fuck it. Take the safety net off. You'll make it. You need 3, 400 fucking rent. You'll make it.

For you motherfuckers that want to be super buying and go out every night and buy drinks for bitches and, you know, go to clubs and buy a $500 bottle. That's a tough artistic fucking move to do if you have that type of lifestyle. So you got to cut your lifestyle and have stay in. We're not how to eat fucking ramen with fucking mushrooms in it. I did it for a long time. Listen, you got a bag of ramen, you cut some mushrooms. You throw a couple fucking Puerto Rican shrimp in there. Bam! You got yourself a. Meal Jack, I don't give a fuck. What planet you're from?

Look at this fucking zombie. Look at this guy outside the window. So we knock on the glass? Sure. I'm leaving in two weeks anyway. Get it together. Cucksucker. Look at him.

He's walking around like he's ready to get shot. So that's all I'm saying. Take the fuck. Remove the safety net. That's it. In this life, you want it to rock. Remove the fucking safety net. And it'll be a lot better.

At first, it's scary. Trust me, it's fucking real scary. But after you cry and after you shit blood for a few weeks, he'll say fucking. I'm back. Bitches, have a great day. Joey Coco Diaz, Lisa, at the church of what's happening now.

Thank you very much for listening. I love you guys. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus let you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial. One more week.

Extended. Of Huluplus.com. Extended, bitches. When you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey or go to Joey Diaz. And click on the Huluplus ban. and don't forget to sign up for dollar shave club.com. You get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Go to dollar shave club.com forward slash church or go to joey deas.net and click on the dollar

shape club banner. Now that the show is over, remember to go to naturebox.com and order great tasting healthy snacks at 50% off, snacks smarter in the new year with healthy and delicious treats, everything bagel chips, and baked sweet potato fries. Support this podcast and get 50% of it. off of your first order. Go to naturebox.com promo code Joey. That's naturebox.com promo code Joey.

And like Joey just said, for everyone who likes wax and oil smoking out there, go and get the premier vapor pen on the market at Nailed ItLife.com. Mention Joey Diaz, no space. 20% off, bitches. And get 20% off. And besides that, have a great week. Stay black.

A little black Sabbath for you here to get you into the fucking reality type of mood. Are you kidding me or what? Must be blind He just breaks it down in In other words, don't do drugs