The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #152 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: April 4, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT..... It's Monday, April 4th.... This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by DraftKings, CBD Lion & Better Help.…. Go to https://www.cbdlion.com Use Promo Code: JOEY For 20% OFF Your Order! Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook app, and use promo code JOEY to get $200 in free bets when you spend $5… If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/MI/NJ/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP(AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org/chat  (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 1-877-770-STOP (7867) (LA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), call/text TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA). 21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA/MI/NH/NJ/NY/OR/ PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. Min. $5 deposit required. Eligibility restrictions apply. See http://draftkings.com/sportsbook for details. Go to https://www.BetterHelp.com/DIAZ Use PROMO CODE: DIAZ for 10% OFF your 1st Month! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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fucking week uh last week you know with the lead thing this weekend was fucking phenomenal I'm on more ways than one, but I didn't do anything. You ever have those weekends where you're like, fuck, I'm tired, but I didn't do shit. But let's get it out of the way. Friday night, Friday morning. No, let's back this motherfucker up. About two weeks ago, I got a call from Tom Sigourri. You guys know he's my motherfucking brother.

I love that dude. And he told me he wanted to come back here. And he was coming back here for a week. And he wanted to see me one of the nights. I should come to one of the shows. and I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, the last thing I want to do is go to a fucking comedy show, but he called again, and then he double-checked again,

and I had already plans for Friday night. I mean, they weren't. I was going to go to the field, watch the kids, and then go to dinner with the parents. I got to the field. It was fucking freezing out that motherfucker. I mean, and I'm like, this ain't even my kid that's playing. Why am I out of here fucking freezing my balls off?

And then he called again, and he's like, bro, you come, and the show starts at 7.30. I don't like driving at night. So I had called a friend of mine. He hadn't called me back yet to maybe take a ride up there. So I said, listen, let me, I called my coach over at Hollis Grace, my man, Sean. And I said, listen, be on alert. We might go to Tom Seguro.

And he's like, I'm in. And I'm like, I don't know if I want to go. And at the field, Tom hit me again. And he goes, listen, you come? And I go, listen, I can't get a ride. He goes, listen, I'll send an Uber. once he said you send an Uber I'm like fuck it I'll go I call my man Sean I call Florentine once they say they're gonna send the oob listen everybody invite you to

things right in this life people like I love for you to come and you're like I don't want to go nowhere but once they say listen I'm sending a coffee okay then if you if you want me there that much I see you I'll fucking be there so I met Sean I met Jimmy Florentine and we took up right up to fucking Newark Newark Newark look beautiful that night I mean on the way out then I saw that the bums and the crack holes and, you know, people trying to mug people, but Newark on a Friday night is beautiful, especially what Tom was. We got down there and to boot, not only did he say fucking, I'll send an Uber, he goes, if you drive, I'll give you backstage parking, right behind

the fucking bus. You won't have to walk or anything. I mean, listen, he made it as easy as can be for Uncle Joey. You follow me? We get up there now. I forgot to drop the fucking main thing, but before I went to the football field I dropped a thousand milligrams of ABX because I didn't, you know, it's not my kid and fuck and we're going to dinner so I want to spruce up the fucking, uh, the appetite a little bit and just go out and giggle

with the parents, you know, they don't get high. So the side of the table I sit with, they don't get high. So I just fucking goof around with them and shit. So, uh, I had already a thousand, I had five of those ABX, uh, CBO,

fucking capsules. I gave Lee one on a Friday. He called me Tuesday. He said he just came down from it. Those things were strong. I inhaled five of those motherfuckers. In the car on the way there, it was starting to hit me.

Like I was giggling in my head by myself and shit. And I'm like, I'm gonna go sit, enjoy fucking Tom. Watch a little stand-up comedy, you know. We get there, we can't get in, the back fucking gate. They won't hear us. Finally, I call Tom.

I don't like the boss. Listen, when you're a comedian, and you invite somebody to your show, the last thing I want is a text message or a call 10 minutes before my show to tell me you can't find parking or some other stupid shit. Figure it the fuck out.

I gave you free fucking tickets. What else do you want me to do for you? Figure it out. But 10 minutes before a show, I don't want to know about your cat. I don't want to know about your mother. I don't want to know about nothing. I'm going to a place,

and I'll see you afterward. I'm going to a place. It's like when I was a kid, and I go to the Bronx and these fucking people will let spirits go into them and then they'd wake up like, what happened? That's me. Listen, 10 minutes before my game time,

I don't want to hear about your parking. I don't want to hear that you can't. You don't figure out where to go. Figure it the fuck out. I'll get back in your car and leave. But the people you invite to your shows, this is why when a UFC fighter fights in his hometown, you bet against him.

Because, yeah, he's going back there to fucking win, but not really. He's got 20 people that want free tickets. whether we sit, can I meet Dana White, can I come to the great? And you're like, no. So anyway, to make a long story short, I just figured it out. By 7.30, I go, you know, we got to do something. So I texted his road manager.

His road manager hit me back. Press the button. It was just a buzzer we had to press. That was it. We went in there, and Tom waited for me outside. So as I greeted him and gave my hug, he goes, we're running late. Do you want to bring me up? Now, guys, I didn't even think about it.

At that point, the edible was doing all the fucking thinking, right? I didn't even think about it. I go, yeah, why not? And we started walking in, and I didn't even realize what I had said to him. And he's like, we're walking to the stage right now. And, you know, I don't know how many people were there, 5,000, 3,000, 8,000. I have no fucking idea. But there was one point when I was getting, like, 50 feet to the stage,

that I could feel my soul putting the brakes on, but my feet were taking me there. That's a really weird feeling. My feet were walking there like I had done it 20,000 times before, which I fucking did. And it was like, I was just fine. I remember looking down and just following my feet. Is that the weirdest thing I could ever say to you guys? Like, I was, it just took me there. It just took me to the front of the stage.

I walked out. People were in shot. They thought Tom fucking went to sleep and woke up like fucking Rip Winkle, whatever's name, the dude who fell asleep for 20 years with a beard. People were looking at me. That's not fucking Tom. That's motherfucking Uncle Joey. And I tell you, I had a little fear to me, which was natural.

You got to have a little fear. I fucked up my lines. I said cock sucker three times. But those five minutes were fucking mind-boggling guys. When I went up there and they just went, wow. Listen, there's a big difference between 200 people and a couple thousand people. Let me tell you something. I've been doing this for 30 fucking years.

spoken about it before out of place because I really didn't know but after Friday that was the first I feel people's energy you ever feel somebody's energy when you go in the room or they come in a room and they fuck up the energy of the room or something

this was the first time I felt that energy from the stage like I just felt there was a point you ever see that remember years ago is it tape or is it Memorex and the guy would sit in front of the speaker and his fucking hair would blow and shit. That's what I felt like up on stage.

I felt like my eyes were pinned. Like the energy from you motherfuckers made my eyebrows just go up and stick you. It was the weirdest fucking feeling. It was just stuck. I felt my adrenaline going. I could feel my eyeballs turning red. I thought it was the Viagra. I had Viagra three nights earlier.

Whenever I eat Viagra, my eyes get all fucking red and shit. I look like one of those. So I could feel the heat in my head. I brought up Jeff Tate, who was very funny, one of Tom's openers, and I had immediately sit down, guys. It felt like a heart attack meets an erection, meets a stroke, meets a finger in the ass. I really was. I was blown the fuck away, guys. Even though I've been in this for 30 years, when I walked off that stage, there was one option, and that was just to sit down.

I couldn't walk anymore. My mind wouldn't let me. It was like 19 months of something just came out of me. I was wiped out. I sat down. You know, I said, thank you. I talked to Jimmy. I started drinking water.

And I just focused on Tom. And it was the weirdest thing because while I was watching Tom, I could hear his material. But my mind was racing. If you've ever been on stage, my mind was fucking racing when I was watching Tom. And I was picking up. key words. As the set went on longer, I could focus, I could hear Tom and Tom was fucking hilarious.

The way he connected that set, it was fucking brilliant. He's really at the top of his game. I'm not saying this just because he's my brother, but he really is at the top of his game. And I was just blown the fuck away. I didn't know what to do.

After about 25 minutes, my wife texted me and asked me how it went. And I said, I actually went up on stage and brought Tom and do you know my wife started crying at dinner she was with her friends at dinner and she started crying and I asked her why and she said because she was happy my voice sounded different and she said that she was happy that I was out of the house you know I'm a lucky dude guys I got a wife that's very understanding I got a wife that supports me you know

She tells me shit I don't fucking like sometimes. But after a few hours, I think about what her words are and I understand. Maybe sometimes I ingest them a little different. But she was fucking ecstatic. You know, she was really happy. And I could tell, like, the mom she was with the next day I saw him. And they were like, hey, man, your wife was really fucking happy. So, you know, when I got home that night, we spoke a little bit about how I felt.

what did I think and you know I don't know I still don't know I didn't miss it me going on stage you know one of the guys on Patreon said he goes

I knew you were going to get on stage I could hear it in your voice I go I didn't know I was going to get on stage I didn't know I was going to get on stage I thought I was just going to sit on the side and watch Tom but him bringing me up there was just listen I slept like a baby that night

I got home I think I didn't even fucking take my fucking Ziquel or my Benadryl I had to go upstairs and just go to sleep. It was, it had taken everything out of me. It also let me know who I was that night for a brief moment and what I had done. And it kind of felt good.

It really did. It's like, wow. So, you know, I'm a fucking theater comic. I am what I fucking am what I am. When I came back here, my head was a little fucked up. And I went to do a couple clubs and they're great clubs or whatever. But the COVID, those numbers, remember? Like, I was performing for 47 people, you know, for a while.

The time I was doing the shows, it was only 47 people I was performing for. So, I don't know. The reason I stopped going on stage was because it didn't feel right. I tell you something, Friday night felt 100% right. It really fucking did. It felt like I belonged. But, you know, I came home, I spoke to my wife. We spoke about what,

we wanted. I got to tell you guys what happened, okay? When you enthrall yourself with something, whether it's a band, you get into the welders union and all of a sudden you're working 80 hours a week, but you're getting better at what you're doing and you're learning a skill and you're moving up and you start making more money. You get really fucking enthusiastic. It really shows you, you know, I stopped going to the store all those years. I started doing a podcast and all of a sudden all this shit started happening. My stand-up hadn't caught up to the podcast. You know, I remember going out a few times and eating a bag of shit.

And then I, you know, found out what was going on. And I started shining as a headline and I moved into fucking theaters. You know, I'm the type of guy. Listen, I don't really realize what I've done until I do it. Like, years later. Like, I don't know what I'd, to me, it's just another day. But I really try hard not to be a big shot. I try hard not to have a fucking, you know, ego.

I know that that's the shit that takes you down quicker than fucking herpes, quicker than coke. You know, ego and fucking being a jerk off is not going to get you to the next level. So when I took that time off in 2007 from going to the store, I also took time away from being in the big leagues. We got to understand that. When you're at the store every now, you're in the fucking big leagues, whether it's 180 people

or you're in the main room for 450. You're in the big leagues. You get elevated. The guy in front of you is a killer and the guy behind you is a killer and the 10 people went on before you that fucking killers. When you move into a small area

like where I'm at in this metropolitan area of New Jersey you don't run with a lot of killers. So I think that took a little toll on me. It was a lot of things. The move. But my point is that

here's the deal guys when you're young whatever you dive into it is fucking great you know whether it's plumbing whatever the fuck you dive into and then you start putting your hours and 80 hours a week you start fucking staying away from your friends not because you hate them or you don't want them because you're focused they're just going to and then after a while they're like man we haven't seen you in a long time come out you know it's been three months and then they beat you up again but once you go out with them you're like fuck that sucked I got to get back to what I doing whether it's playing the ukulele or fucking playing the guitar whatever the fuck you're like that that was okay but i'll keep that to a fucking minimum they got to realize i'm gonna fucking mission okay

and you make your life that thing for me for uncle joey i've made my life comedy i didn't give a fuck about anything else you know i see people and they always say to me oh i'm having a problem doing this i didn't uh i can't get ahead in life oh how much time are you putting fucking this. Let's see. Is this what you fucking eat, chew, and sleep? Or is this a hobbyist? When I go to New Jersey, I am when I go to Jiu-Jitsu, I'm not a fighter.

I'm not a fucking young man. So I'm a hobbyist. That's what I can, it's just a hobby I do. It's a part of my social, mental, physical development to stay in shape, you know, Rifa causes dementia. I don't want to start fucking, you know, talking about ghost and shit. I don't know. I don't know.

So when you get older, it's good to box a little bit. Like after you're 50, it's good to just hit the midst, have somebody throw targets at you. And remember moves, one, two, three, four, five. You know, when I go to Jiu-Zitzo,

I do the moves. I count. I count. The first leg goes up, up, your back is straight. The second leg goes up. You grab the leg. That's the easiest thing for me.

If not, I'm a fucking idiot with it. it but I'm a hobbyist. When I got into comedy, I didn't have anything else. It was comedy, cocaine, okay? The two Cs and pussy. CCP, that's all I fucking knew.

I had a bench in my living room. I did, you know, bench presses at night and bent over rows and shit. But that was just, you know, but I put my time into this, and the sad thing is it became my life. And that's exactly what I want. wanted. I wanted to dive into something. And again, you know, you, all you guys watching, listen,

whatever you love, it depends how much you could dive into it. But then things change. The battlefield changes. Uh, you know, I got a girlfriend. She wanted me at home a little more. I got, uh, I got, uh, and then I got married. And she wanted me a little more, you know, to be around and that was after 2009 and then I actually gave comedy up the podcast came in and I dove back into it you guys know I was doing a podcast a day with everybody whether it was red band with uh podcasts podcats podcats or I was always doing something rogan Eddie bravo you know and we perfected the fucking podcast we learned how to communicate on it you guys watched the growth I didn't invent the fucking podcast

Somebody brought it up and we started doing it from fucking whatever we knew. But I dove into this. Once I had the kid, I was still immersed in this fucking game. At the years, as my daughter matured, I tried to loosen my schedule a little more. I knew the direction I wanted to. And then with the fucking move, it made me realize that my life was comedy. I didn't talk about anything else. I didn't care about anything else.

That's how I had to treat it for me to succeed. Everybody has a different thing. Once I got here, I realized how over, I was overplaying the card. I was really working a little bit too much. I wanted to get fucking situated. I wanted to see which direction the wind was blowing. I didn't fucking know what's going on here. So I didn't want to get off the plan and just dive into it.

In a way, I didn't. And that's why I couldn't complete the fucking, you know, whatever. I just was not ready. and that's okay when you're not ready. And I took some time and now I'm ready. So now I had to come home that night talk to my wife. I'm going to try to go out a few nights this week, maybe just do a couple sets, you know.

I can't go out in the headline 45 minutes. I'm not going to charge you $25 for material that's not there. I can't do that, even though people will start calling me. Listen, I wasn't even off the stage. and people were texting me. By the time I was sitting on the side, my agent called me. What's going on? I just got a text.

Listen, guys. And I can't go back to where I was. I would do a residency in Vegas, maybe find a room in Vegas to Tropic Canada, wherever I was Treasure Island. I would find myself a little home down here, whether it be Red Bank or AC, and I would do New York in Jersey,

Jersey and Boston, you know, when time permits, guys, I don't want to do a fucking late show. I want to do an 8 o'clock show. An opener, me, it come on at 8. In fact, let's start at 7.45. Get the opener, me, and we're out of here by 9. That's it. That's how I want to do it from now on. I really don't want to do a lot of clubs.

I want to do small theaters in this area. You know, I just, listen, I worked so hard to get into a theater. There's a big fucking. gap when you go from a comedy club from being an emcee then working yourself to a feature then working yourself to a headline and now you got to learn how to perform in a theater completely different and i'm very happy like the like sebastian kevin joe there's a bunch of guys that are doing arenas um listen going into arena for the first time you have to change your act up you have to learn the timing. Now there's more of a dip

from your words to them to bounce back to you. You might not think you're doing well and you're fucking doing fantastic. There's 18, 15,000 people in there. They're up in the fucking nosebleeds. What do you think? You can hear them fucking laugh.

So this is another thing you have to learn. Oh my God. Guys, there's no, you know, what do you think? G&R went from doing the whiskey, right? And all of a sudden they're on the road opening. Then they fucking started headlining. Then they were doing massive fucking tours.

I still remember G&R coming to Jersey and seeing the pictures. In fact, they shot Paradise City video from Giants fucking stadium. If you look at it, look at all those fucking people there. What do you think that they didn't adjust their material or they didn't adjust their music or the levels of the music as you move up? You're learning. It's a learning fucking thing. So I put close to five years of learning how to perform in a theater.

and making it work. I don't want to just get rid of it now. So my plan is maybe I'll fucking do a couple small rooms, no headlining spots, no weekends. I got too much going on no fucking weekends. Uncle Joey's going to become the comic you love to see on Wednesday and Thursday night. Wednesday's a good night.

Get out of the house, cock suck. It's humped it. It's time to have some fucking drinks, smoke a few fucking numbers, and get the party started, Jack. I think in the summer I got to lay low. A friend of mine offered me a little tour I gotta see where I stand

If he wants me to do 45 minutes or 20 minutes If you wants me to do 45 again I can't do it I have to be honest with myself I want to put together a tremendous set And then get the fuck out of us The pace I have no idea Do I want to go around the world

In 80 days and a fucking balloon Fuck no This will be nice and light So Uncle Joey doesn't fuck And I still want to focus on my Jiu-Jitsu, I still want to focus on the book That's coming out, I know rewrites are coming So before I get involved, I want to see what's coming with the book

I want the book to be in fucking bet And right now we're looking at November of 2023, hopefully after they read it And they see the damage that we could do We could release it this motherfucking November Have some book parties, you know, the whole fucking thing Book and Reefer parties, the whole fucking thing, you know The laughing gas,

I love them to death because they knew that there was a kink. There was something missing and everything that I'm doing right now. Okay, guys, there's something missing. The podcast was starting to build, was starting to grow. I'm getting a little smoother, learning how to do an hour podcast by myself, and then having a guest on fucking Wednesday. We're trying to figure out how we're going to incorporate. I mean, Mike did a great job last week with three fucking people in the room.

I mean, it was as good as a podcast as it could be, and it worked. So I'm going to start getting a couple guests and grow there, but the main thing was the fucking stand-up. It just took, I wanted to fall in love with it. And I'm not even in love with it right now. I want to see this week how aggressive I am in one night just going, because I did go out Thursday night last week, too, guys. Had a nice little time.

Thursday night, I actually went to watch comedy. I had a place called stacks A breakfast joint Fucking tremendous If you go in there Get the Iron Man dish It's filet mignon Two eggs

Peppers onions Potatoes Fucking wheat toast Delicious delicious But they got to I think they're only open for brunch Nice people They have comedy night there

And they invited me a few times But it was always like the day of So Thursday I went up there but there was no parking you know because they're next to fucking cousins great restaurant and that place is fucking always jam-packed great food I haven't been there I got a home a visit a little mid podcast ad listen you may not realize but headaches teeth grinding and even digestive issues can be indicators of stress other stress indicators are doom scrolling sleeping too little or too much under-eating or overeating put simply stress shows up and all kinds of away and in this world that's telling you to do more and grind all the time this is your reminder to take care yourself do less and maybe a little therapy to

talk to somebody to break things up tell the folks listen to me as far as I'm concerned better help got me out of my fucking slump better help online therapy is tremendous is customized online therapy that offers you video chat and even live chat sessions with your therapist if you don't want to be on camera you don't have to. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy. You can do it right from the privacy in your own house. Give it a try and see if online therapy can help lower your stress. The joint is sponsored by BetterHelp. And our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash Diaz. That's betterhelp.com slash Diaz. Listen, if it helped me, it can help

you too. We all put our pants out one leg at a time. Referred to Dana. That's who helped me and took me out of my anxiety issues. But first, go to betterhelp.com slash Diaz and get 10% off online therapy, inline therapy, whatever you want to call it. Online therapy, the best betterhelp. com slash Diaz. Last time I went there, it was probably like nine fucking months ago.

But anyway, I got there and it was just back. I couldn't find the parking spot. I went down the road to the Osteria And I did something I haven't done in years I had a gin and tonic And watched the fucking Brooklyn game Against the I think it was the Milwaukee Bucks I watched one court

I got to get out of here It's getting creepy in here And then I go where am I going What the fuck am I doing with my life Why do I want to run home for This shit in my fucking chair And I said let me watch till half time All of a sudden some ladies started

Start talking to me a husband I'm like fuck it I watched the third quarter. Next thing you know, the game was over. Fucking Milwaukee came back and beat Brooklyn. We couldn't fucking believe it. I almost had a heart attack cuckuckers. And I was out the whole game.

I stayed out the whole game, guys. drove home, got a little fucking car sick on the way home. No big deal. Came home, fucking hung out with the wife, talked there a little bit. My next venture is a strip club. I'm going to go to a strip club to see what's going on. You see how I'm attacking this. I'm attacking the strategy

Little by little You know what I'm saying There's a couple strip clubs Not really There's one I want to go to That one of my dear friends owned I'm gonna stop in there And say hello to him

Look at some young fucking pool nanny You know what I'm saying And run the fuck out of it I don't like lap dances They creep me to fuck out Your jeans smell like fucking rotten ass And pussy when you go home You know

I can't deal with that shit But the other thing that happened This weekend That was really fucking cool I, you know, guys, I'm getting used to all this shit. I wasn't a family. I don't know anything about this. You know, when I was a kid, there was an understanding in my house, you come and fucking go.

I mean, we hung out every once in a while, but not the way I'm doing it now. Like, I, guys, you got to understand I'm new to this. I'm a fucking prisoner of debt. I'm a low-life scumbag and my family. And so this whole family life has been. Just, you know, like, it's all new to me. I'm enjoying it. I'm basking in it.

I fucking love it. I love my wife more than ever. I love my daughter more than ever. But I'm like, fuck, we're going to a different level here. It's like when you get a cat. When you get a cat, you don't know what to expect. The first year, it's kind of fucking shitty. It's okay.

You know, you love them. You throw papers up in the air. He scratches them. You got your little feather with the stick. You know, you smoke a joint. I'll fuck. I used to play with that stick for a hour. That's the kind of loser I am.

I can play for fucking hours on that stick. And then after a year, you're like, wow, something's happening here. We're building a bond. And the longer that cat's around or that dog's around, it gets better and better and better. And you just keep doing what you're doing. And you fall in love with the pet, and the pet falls in love with you, whatever. It's the same thing with these kids, you know. I don't know.

I think people raise kids. It's tough. It's tough to be a fucking parent today. You know, Mike and I were talking about his wife is working nights now. You know, he thought he was going to have the fucking swing of lifetime while his wife was working nights. And it's rough. And you have to put the sacrifice in. I mean, what are you going to do?

What's Mike going to do? Leave some fucking stranger with his kids overnight. So it's tough being a fucking parent. But at the same time, it's very rewarding. It's very rewarding. You know, and I never wanted kids. I know a lot of years, like, fuck kids, I get it. I get it.

But someday you're going to meet a girl. You're going to knock her up. And now you've got a kid and then you're going to go, fuck. I'm thinking about Uncle Joey now for what he said. Because I was one of those motherfuckers. I don't want a kid. I don't want to be married. But Saturday night, my daughter had a sleepover.

But my wife didn't want to do the sleepover because fucking, she had a doubleheader on Sunday. They fucking season just started on Saturday and all of some they want to have a double header. I was praying for rain. You know me. I got that, I did that 23 of me. I got that Indian blood. I'm out there jumping up and down for rain Saturday night and sure enough, it rains Sunday.

They canceled the game. I got to go to the gym, through the podcast, go to Jiu-Jitsu. It was a great fucking day, the Lord's Day. But Saturday night, my wife didn't want to fucking let us sleep over. So I was supposed to go see my man Rudy Sarzo. And my heart goes out to him. I was supposed to go to violin with the Florentine brothers. They were supposed to have a sleepover,

and one of the dads was supposed to watch them. There was an emergency at fucking work that dad couldn't watch him. This is a tremendous story. All of a sudden, all the parents were like, well, you could watch them until the mom gets there. And I'm like, so now I'm fucking stuck. I didn't care. I had a good time.

I went and got some food for them. They got some chick-fil-a. It was great. And then when it was time, to leave. You know, I stayed watch the end of the North Carolina game. Fucking tremendous Kansas and North Carolina tonight, motherfucker. Tonight's a good night for Draft Kings, too. Sign up tonight.

You got the fucking $5 when you're $2 in free bets. And then you roll right into fucking Saturdays UFC with Peter Yan and fucking what do you think you're dealing with Joey fucking bananas? You guys know I'm teaching the scam of life here. They give you 200 free credits. It's either one or the other on money. day night. It's either Kansas or a fucking Carolina and when you win or

lose they'll give you the 200 credits and you roll it into the weekend. You got fucking New Jersey's Mickey Gold on the card this week. You got fucking Volonowski. You got that crazy chimion fighting Gilbert Burns. Guys, who takes care of you

like me? You got to set up the fucking week. Anyway, I fucking go over there and it's about 9.30. North Carolina fucking wins. Michael Burst, we got to go home. Take a shower. As soon as I get in the car, she's upset as fuck. You know, and she's crying.

I got to talk her off the fucking thing. You know, my wife is strict, guys, and you have to play a little strict. I mean, my wife knew it was going to be a long weekend. So she's like, I don't want to sleep and out because then she won't sleep. Then she's got a double head that she'll fall asleep out in the field. So I bring her home. We talk a little bit. We're talking to the car.

I'm like, listen, you got no reason to be upset. You're fucking nine. There's going to be 200 more fucking sleepovers for you to sleep at. We'll go home tonight. I'll pull out some fucking ice cream. I didn't have dick here, so I couldn't. It was too late to go to Carvel. She was upset, you know, and I talked to her off the ledge.

I go, listen, what we could do is let's go home, get some snacks, go downstairs. We'll watch Sopranos, and you can have your own fucking little sleepaway downstairs. You know, she sets up the fucking blanket with her little teddy. bears she comes down so she was still upset when i was putting on pajamas i could hear her in the shower she was a little upset so i knocked on the door and we talked to the fucking door and i go listen i'll be downstairs waiting for you let's talk she came down i explained you know about her situation and all of a sudden fucking out of the blue bruce lee was on last night god damn and it's my favorite Listen, Bruce Lee put out four movies.

You know, I like the original Fist of Fury. I like what I watched last night. It was Billed as Fist of Fury, but it's really the Chinese connection. They called it the Chinese connection when landed here in 1970. And that's my... Enter the Dragon's great. Fucking, the one with Kareem Abduljabah. That's a fucking boring movie.

But Chinese connection. about that movie that always blew me the fuck away. As I got older, I saw how good Bruce Lee's acting was in that movie. It was fucking raw. You know, he had Steve McQueen in his ear. He was watching what Kliniso was doing over there in Italy. And Bruce had a fucking plan to do the same thing in fucking China out of Hong Kong. Make those movies, build his name, come back to America and spank these motherfuckers,

which was his initial mission until he went to some Broad's house and she gave him a fucking roofie and he died of a fucking headache or that's what they told us. With Chinese people, you never know you could touch him in the neck and they got a headache.

Somebody said they hit him with the fucking touch of debt the day before. Anyway, when all that shit happened, I was fucking heartbroken. But nevertheless, this is my all-time favorite Bruce Lee movie. So when she came downstairs,

I got, Merce, check this out. and she was a little upset her eyes were still red I put Bruce Lee and she just fucking froze and if you know anything about that movie he just starts killing motherfuckers one of the time

you know there's kung fu scenes where he fucks up a whole karate school but with that movie he took out one of the time he started with the fucking guy who poisoned his teacher and his little fucking kitchen assistant

that's when he broke his inside just a raw fucking scene Why'd you kill my teacher? Why? Why? Why? The guy just fucking dies. He punched him like 20 times in the stomach. Tremendous. Then he goes after Feng Wei Shui, and then he fucking goes after the interpreter for the school, and he hangs him on a fucking tree.

Tremendous. I mean, that movie, he goes off. The plot is he fucking went away, and when he comes back, he finds his teacher dead, and he fucking loses it, and then at the fucking wake, The Japanese school came over Talking their karate bullshit With sandals on and they insulted him And they said he was fucking yellow

And shit Oh my God And the next day Bruce Lee shows up at the school They had a picture that says Sick Man of Asia on it Referring to his fucking master This motherfucker walks into school And he goes, I come to bring this back

But you gotta take it from me That's how I'm dog He doesn't play in that movie He fucking smashes them He smashes the picture He makes him eat the paper. Then they fuck. I mean, he walks to a zoo.

And some guy tells him, if you want to walk in the park, you got to crawl on the floor like a Chinese. Oh, my God. He just blew away three more Japanese people fresh from the sushi restaurant. And then there was a fucking hunt for him. And then he started doing fucking disguises. He started disguising like a little old man and shit and fucking these old newspapers. He disguised himself as a phone man.

This mother. He's designed himself. That's a fucking yixaw. Not yixaw. What's that? Ricksaw. Yixar. Rikshaw fucking driver.

Tremendous. So, fucking, I mean, this is my all-time favorite movie. And then at the end, he turns himself in to the Ching Wu School. And he fucking,

as he's walking outside, he said that they double crossed him. And all of them got guns and shit. And instead of standing like a fucking pussy, he runs out into the fucking thing and they shrews. Shoot them, you get bullets. You don't really know if Bruce Lee lives or dies.

That's the beauty of it. But years after that, that was just a singular story. It wasn't connected to the other fucking movies. Guys, I saw that movie. That movie was my baby. You know how I do the album of the week on Patreon. And these are my babies. That movie's my fucking baby.

It was, I don't know, maybe 1969. I was going to Sacred Heart School for Boys. in the fucking fourth grade. We were watching happy days. Happy days that just came on the fucking air. That's how old I am. And a commercial came on, a trailer for that fucking movie.

And oh my lord, when he's at the karate school beating the motherfuckers up, listen, there were 20 young fourth graders. Now, when you're in the fourth grade and you see somebody beating the fuck out of somebody, you're jumping up and down like a fucking retard. You're just floundering. Get them, bite them, whatever the fuck it is.

Right. So that fucking trailer came on, guys. You could hear a pin drop in that motherfucking room. I will never, ever, ever forget that night as long as I fucking live. You could have heard a pin drop in that bitch. And I never forget my stepdad won picking me up on Friday and going,

what do you want to do this weekend? I said, listen, I don't know about the weekend. I know what we're doing tonight. We're going to the fucking, to see the Chinese connection. I don't give a fuck where it's playing. And as we were headed home, Clifton on Route 3, fucking North, there used to be a driving theater there. And what do you think they were playing?

The motherfucking Chinese connection. Now, that's why I saw my first fucking gangster movie. I saw Five Fingers of Death. That's the first, anybody that knows fucking Kung Fu movies, that's one of the first movies that hit the United States. Oh, tremendous. His hand turns pink and shit. Tremendous.

That was all about the Iron Palm Tech. me. That's why I saw that movie. When I saw the Chinese connection, I lost my fucking mind. And not to make things worse. It was also playing at the Union City Cinema, my home base at the time up in Union City. I saw all my movies in there.

I still remember walking home from there and after a karate movie and just looking for a fucking fight with somebody. And then by the time we got the 32nd Street, there was Ponte Corvo Deli. So we kicked the shit out of all the boxes. Me and my little hoodlumps. Pino, retard Mike.

We fuck up these fucking boxes. There'd be boxes all over Bergenstein Avenue. And then we go to my mother's bar, and I'd walk in there with a karate stance and shit. And then I lost my... I would tell everybody to applaud the story. You know, it made me sad. But I said, sit down and let's watch it.

And we were fucking going off her and I. And at the end, I was watching it through the corner of my eye. I could see her through my tears. at the end when Bruce Lee runs out and shit and they shoot and he yells I could tell her eyes teared up I was just fucking crying

I was just thinking about everything that movie makes me think about going back to my mom's bar trying to fucking explain the Chinese affection to my mom and my mom going what the fuck are you talking about have a drink shut the fuck up

you just walked in here with 22 sentences in a row it just gave me a good feeling and to watch it with my fucking daughter, come on, man. And for her to enjoy it, never mind watch it with your daughter because they could always go,

oh, I don't like this. And all of a sudden, your feelings get hurt. But I even ask, you want to put the soprano? She's like, no, I like this movie, Dad. I saw this before. So I was, my dick got hard. I had a tear in my eye.

I mean, guys, there's nothing more special than you watch him like a fucking killer movie movie with your daughter. Yeah, your son, you're expected. He's supposed to watch. watch those things with him unless he fucking, you know, wants to grow up to sniff flowers and shit. They got to watch those

things with you. But your daughter, you know how girls are? They want to hear Barbie and fucking pink shit. And she's over there cheering for Bruce Lee. She's like, why are they fighting them? Why are they saying all this shit about Chinese people? I go, because they're Japanese people. She's like, they're mean, daddy. Yeah, they're fucking mean. But watch Bruce

smacked the fucking living shit out of them. So it was just, it was just it was really a great feeling to just, I don't know, guys, this might sound stupid to you, you guys might think I'm a fucking weakling, but it was just, it's like full circle. You know, now she gets to experience Bruce Lee and she gets a fucking piece of her dad.

I don't know what I'm gonna go. I'm fucking, I'm getting old here. But every day that I could put some influence into her, just give her the same things, that brought me joy as a kid, just for her to know. You know, when she goes to a party and somebody's like, yeah, fucking, you know, this guy's the baddest martialist.

My daughter will say, fuck you, it's Bruce fucking Lee. My dad saw him, and then she'll describe the movie. So that little bond that you get with your children, sometimes, for some people, it's nothing. For me, since I've never had it before, it's the fucking world, man. It's the fucking world. You know, we watch Bruce Lee,

and then we put the fucking surprise. Sopranos on and we were talking shit her and I about the soprano. She asked me stupid questions and then I said, listen, we could stay up, we could watch the fucking honeymooners. And she goes, really? And all of a sudden, I could see her little face. She had a long day, baseball, parades, games, running around, milkshakes, chick filet. She was beat.

I go, listen, why don't you close your eyes for 10 minutes? And I'll wake you up when the honeymoon has come on. It was about 11, 20. And she goes, really? I go, yeah, I do this trick to all the time. And the next thing you know, she was out cold. I put the blankie up on her.

I finished watching the fucking sopranos. I made sure the doors look locked. I gave her a kiss. And in her world, all she wants to do is stay downstairs to make herself feel like she's 13. You know what I'm saying? If that's what it takes, fuck it. It could be worse.

She might want to fucking put makeup on and fucking drink cocktails. No, she just wants to stay down here, watching an adult movie with her dad, and just fucking be a little girl. That's it. Who's better than Uncle Joey? You understand me?

So now, like I said to you guys, ever since I got back here, I was just working on getting my life back. That's all I was doing. Trying to get my life back, trying to get it settled. Now, when I get into comedy, it's not a fucking career anymore.

It's a balance. It's a balance between me and my daughter. daughter, my family, jujitsu, fucking getting healthy, working on my knee. It's just, you know, it's just a fucking balance for me. And sometimes that's what you need in your life.

If your life is little, you need a little fucking balance, guys, come on, you know what I mean? You think I go around reading about life balances, I got better things to do. You know what I mean? You know, you think I, but you could feel it. You could feel it.

That something's not, you got to be doing something else. The last 19 months I sat in this house, You know, I went out a couple nights, but I sat in this house majority just to find out, you know, who the fuck I was at this age. What I could do, what I couldn't do anymore, and what I don't want to do anymore. You don't think I enjoy going out and making people laugh and talking to people from time to time? That's what I'm all about. Anywhere I go, I fucking, next thing you know, I start bullshit with people.

I like when they don't start with the fucking, I like when people don't know who the fuck I am. And we just talk. And then at the end of the conversation, they'll go, why do you look familiar to me? And then as I'm leaving, I'll fucking dropping on them. You ever see the longest yard? Is that you? Some lady, Astoria told me the other one.

She goes, you looked a little better when you were fucking chunky. Women like guys with meat on their bones. I'm like, you old fucking hag you. You old dirty hag you. I can't. I'm not into, but listen, I like bullshit with people. And it's, the reason why I joined Jiu-Jitsu was to get my social. life going. As dumb as that sounds. Yeah, it's about the physical and the mental, but when you're in there

talking with people and touching them and shit, that's as, that's as life as can get. Touch is the simplest thing you could do with people. It excites you. It motivates you. It drills your skin. The human touch, when you shake somebody's hand, when you give somebody a hug, you know, and imagine wrestling with somebody. You're at your most vulnerable fucking part. So I consider that like today, when I went Sunday when I went there was a kid in there that I met at class. Young guy, we both joined with no stripes. Now we both have two stripes. Great fucking kid.

You know, I don't know how old he is. When he squeezed me to, yes, I said, listen, when you squeeze me down, when you throw your dad down like that? He goes, no, I go, then why would you draw Uncle Joey down like that? God's a sucker. And they all giggle, you know, it's just social stuff. So now I'm going to take it up a fucking notch. Start doing some fucking guests at places

unannounced, you know, just try to have a good time. I'm not looking to shoot a special. I'm not looking to be on Comedy Central. I'm not looking for anything. I'm just looking to have fucking fun. This is no drama and no stress possible. If I go up, if I charge 20 bucks and if I go up and bomb, I bomb. For the short 20, you've dropped 20 on worse.

When I charge you 30, I won't be fucking bombing. You follow I'm saying to you? So I'm going to build up a little bit, take my time. and maybe in the winter do a Jersey, New York tour. I don't fucking know. I don't know what life is going to bring. And right now at this point in my life, I'm just trying to have a good time.

That's it. All my heart thing is over. Prison. She's dead. I'm not going to see my daughter. All that shit's behind me. Now it's time to fucking relax. And have a great time with you cock suckers,

smoke some weed, sell some weed, laughing gas is about to fucking go. Big, I will keep you motherfuckers posted on the day. details. A little lapping gas vapor pen for your little live resin pen. You get all this shit at the ice cream shop. I might go

Thursday night to the 50th anniversary of the comedy store. I looked at plain tickets last night. Ouch. Fuck! Those motherfuckers, listen, first they were passing the cost of gas to you with the luggage. Remember? And they never turned that back. They're still taking half a yard from us

or a hundred bucks for the luggage. These motherfuckers don't think. Uncle Joey's paying attention, but I'm paying attention. And now they raise their plane prices again to reflect the cost of fucking gas. Guys, give it a fucking breather. I saw what half of you motherfuckers carriers made last year. You meant a lot of money.

No matter what the fucking price of gas was or whatever, give us a fucking breather. It's the summertime. These motherfuckers are going nuts with their prices. Food, everything has gone up. I mean, listen, nothing to worry about. Just keep working hard. If you can steal a stake from time to time, put it under your jacket.

It worked for me for years. If you don't have no felonies or misdemeanies, you could cry yourself out of it. I don't know what to tell you. It's getting harder out there, so it's time to pay more attention to what the fuck's going on. It's a beautiful day to be alive. It's Monday, the 4th of April. And that's it for Uncle Joey's joint today, man. I just wanted to pop up here on a motherfucking Monday, say hello, and get you ready for a new month,

because it's a whole new set of rules. You got to sling new fucking dick and you got to have new fucking ideas. Wednesday we got a tremendous Zoom guest and we'll go a little longer we'll fuck around with you people but as far as today we're done.

I love you cocksuckers with all my heart have a great day. Stay black and I'll see you motherfuckers Wednesday the 6th tip top motherfucking Magoo stay black. All right you bad motherfuckers thank you for listening. We did a little solo today. Talked about the Chinese connection. Talked about me getting on stage. It was a great

time. But now it's time to make some fucking Guitus from the heart of New Jersey. The joint is brought to you by Draft Kings. Listen, it starts tonight. Download the Draft King Sportsbook app right now. Because tonight we got a fucking same game palet with Kansas and North Carolina in the national championship. Once you get up on 200 credits, then this weekend we got action with U.S. The UFC 273, the official sports betting partner, the UFC, new customers bet $5 on any fighter, and get 100 in free bets. Win, lose, guaranteed. Now, if there's no gambling in your state, you can play for a share of millions and prizes with the Draft King's Daily Fantasy MMA contest. Draft your lineup of fighters while staying under the salary cap and rack up points for strikes, takedowns, and more.

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I love you. motherfuckers. The joiners also brought to you by BetterHelp.com slash Diaz. Listen, BetterHelp online therapy is the best therapy you could do for yourself from the privacy

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tip top magoo I want to thank CBD Lion I want to thank betterhelp.com and I also want to thank draftkings.com I love you motherfuckers. Have a great Monday stay black and I'll see you Wednesday morning tip top magoo for Uncle Joey's

fucking circus of love.