The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #153 - The Church Of What's Happening Now

Episode Date: February 24, 2014

Comedian Rosie Tran calls in. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Escapepodtank.com Mention Joey or the Church and get $250 off. Recorded live on 02/17/2014.

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Or just go to Joey Diaz. and click on the dollar shave club banner and again thank you to escapoddank.com they have all of your sensory deprivation tanks and you're gonna save thousands with them already but if you mention Joey Diaz or Churchill what's happening now

they're gonna give you another $250 off Oh! I don't think so. I don't fucking think so, cocksucker. Callie, I'm going back to Cali I don't think so. Are you kidding me or what? Oh shit. Oh shit. The church of what's fucking happening now.

Monday, February 24th. Wash your pussy, scrub your feet. Do what you gotta do. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. With the church, bitches. What? To Cali. Smoking refa.

Oh shit. Fuck, medical marijuana. Going back to Cali. What? Oh shit. Fuck it, we're in Cali, Cocksucker. Lee, hit that motherfucker. What's happening?

It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. Monday, February 24th. The world is fucking yours, cocksucker. Get up, do something with yourself. You're sitting there like a bump in a log. Should I go to an ITT? No. Get the fuck up.

Eat some count chocular. You're going to be a fucking criminal cuckusker. What's happening, Lee? Not much. I'm so ready for this week. The fucking office is here. Oh, yeah. The new church.

We're going to fucking design it and everything. It's got white painting on. We're going to design them to paint the road walls fucking red. What do you think? Like fucking something. It's great to be alive. I hope you guys are happy to be alive. Great fucking weekend.

You know what I'm saying? How was your weekend? My weekend sucked. So I'm ready for this week. Well, Saturday was cool, but I had a shitty thing happened this week. So I was... What happened? Oh, the dog passed.

My dog passed. It's a nightmare when an animal passes. and especially you had them for so long you were there. How's your mother taking her? A good brother I call her every day because she when my dad and her broke up

and after my brother went to school it was just him and her for like four or five years. And then it really hit me like I've had I don't have many grandparents left but that'll happen when I was younger so the dog dying

hit me harder than I thought I was going to but I'm ready for this week this week is starting you know. It's a new week you got a new apartment Wednesday Oh, yeah. New office. You know what I'm saying?

Lisa, that's a new fucking menu. You're jumping jacks with Jeremy, hopefully. Hopefully. Hopefully. You're getting better. You're getting healthy. You're eating. What did you do in last night?

I had Subway. I'm hoping they fix their fucking bread issue. What happened with the bread? They were putting stuff in it for yogurt like that whereas in yoga mats for a while. It's one of those things where they always say, oh, this company's putting this so-and-so chemical in it. And now they said they're going to stop putting it in.

Well, that's good. At least you get the sun there just to get fucking yogurt. You know what? There's something bad and fucking everything. Yeah. There's something bad. But I don't understand how the chemical that goes into a fucking yoga mac

goes into bread. What's it for? Probably preservative if I had to guess. Well, why would you preserve a yoga mat? You're preserving the bread. Fucking preservatives. And the live podcast was fucking hilarious. I want to thank everybody who came out.

It was really fucking funny. I thought about different things that was said. Even the counter chocolate. I want people go to prison. they like count churn. That's how you know. Felons eat count choked. It's amazing. When I got locked up, a lot of black people, a lot of the felons would say,

who wants some motherfucking chocolate because I was a stock clerk in the kitchen. And I look at them, like, are you fucking serious? I barely get your Cheerios. I got to get you my third world fucking Cheerios. They got a picture like a dead people on the box. You know, and these motherfuckers want to count chocker. I'm not kidding you guys. I'm not trying to be funny.

When I was locked up at Camp George West, I was the stock clerk of the kitchen. I almost burned. down the fucking kitchen making a cinnamon bun so they made me the they tried to make me a fucking baker I laugh at that so much and you know what the requirements were

whooping cough you ever have whooping cough yeah you can't cook in the prison thank God I swear to if you ever had whooping coffee you can't be a cook in the prison so it was fucking hysterical I didn't have whooping coffee either so I became the baker and that worked out for a few fucking days

because I got up early I liked it you know you're there by yourself and shit And they got to let you wear an eye man. I spot. Oh, cool. A lot man? A walkman at that time. I dug it, you know.

But fuck it. Nah, I almost blew up the fucking kitchen so they made me a stock clerk. Yeah, I can't imagine you being a good baker. No, and I'd have the list on the door, like, to try to help the invasks out. Like, what do you need? You know, I'd get them yogurt, whatever. But it was overwhelming. Yeah.

The fucking amount of requests. You order all the food for all the inmates? Not individually, but for all of them. Like, I'd order 2,000 eggs a week. And, you know, big giving. They didn't even give you eggs. They gave you like milk fucking eggs. Oh, the powdered eggs?

Not even powdered. It was like liquid, like a base or something, you know? The meat was horrible. It's like going to fucking Dennis. That's what prison food is like, like Dennis. You're going to shit after, you're going to have a little stomach ache when you leave that. Just a little, any bitty stomach ache after you leave? Yeah.

But after that, that's it. That's why you don't really get mad at Denny's. I'm sure Denny's loves that. And I always remember. If you miss going to jail, come back to Denny. I wrote about that a year ago, too, when I was trying to do the one man. sure, even more, three, four years ago. And I never brought it up.

The other day I was cleaning out notebooks. And I found that, that prison inmates, felons love kind of chocular. So I wanted to talk about it. I would have fucked up. But I had a great weekend. Yeah. My wife came back Tuesday with the baby that I fucking missed. Your baby gang so big.

Oh, she's a fucking monster, bro. It's like having a human kettlebell. That's it. And it's constantly. You got to chase it. You know, I take it to the park every fucking day. You know, I believe in sunlight. Got to get some fucking sun in there.

Especially we live in California. It's fucking cold. this morning. Oh yeah. Cloudy as shit, but a little bit different now walking from my bedroom to the... Oh yeah. But you know we got a couple of breakfast joints right down a fucking block, you know? Yeah, we got a Magnolia grill which is delicious. They got tremendous cheese on it with some fruit. They also have like this potato chip fries. It's called Terry style. A lot of people don't go to Magnolia grill and I ask them why. I mean, I'm never heard of it. Best breakfast place, I think. Everybody

always sends you the patties and you got 420 and you got no, they all sucked dick compared to this place the girls are really nice they make they got a nice fruit bowl they got a medium salsa so they have like if you want to get like an oatmeal you get an oatmeal if you want to get fish to have fish for breakfast with an egg they got so many fucking different options but it don't fucking matter we're here we're queer the best thing you know we talk about a lot of shit on this show and we talk about addictions and we talk about fucking fears and we talk about blah bop and you know somebody sent me a great email the other day 90 fucking emails last week 90

I couldn't believe. I'm getting like 40. I couldn't fucking believe it. I couldn't fucking believe. I sat there from four to five and then from like 630 to 7. And then I met you and then I had to go back and do another 33 or something. It was just amazing. But somebody wrote some great stuff that this podcast builds character.

Let me tell you something. I found that all those years when I was weak and I'm sorry when people send me emails on addiction, I always forget all those years when I was weak when I was doing blow and I was doing stupid shit it wasn't that I was weak it was that I had no character when you

I guess something happened early on with all those debts and the drugs were just it just broke down my whatever I had no fucking I had character even when I was breaking into houses

and I was a thief I had character even when I was selling drugs I had character so it just wasn't the character that I needed So explain, I mean, I think everyone knows what character. What do you talk about when I say character? Character. Well, basically the definition of character is what you do when nobody's watching. Okay.

Do you pick up that paper? Do you really kick the fucking cat? Do you really move the table when you sweep? Do you really put a blinker on? There's so many little things you do to have character. And for me, I remember when I first quit doing Blow in 2006 or 2005, 2006, the first thing I thought about was I had. have to go back to where I was before I started doing drugs and before my life started failing. So right away, the first thing I thought about was February 19, 1979, the day I quit karate.

Okay. My life went downhill from that. From there? Right from now. Jesus. From that February, it went down because I didn't have a place to go to clean me up. What I mean by that is, when I tell people to go. sign up and go to a gym or make a commitment to go to a park every day.

I'm not telling you this to break your balls. I'm telling you this so you have a place to go one day a week, which is your sanctuary. It's one hour a day. When I go to that kettlebell gym, guess what? Where's my phone? It's in my pocket. It's over there. When I walk in that fucking gym for that one 40-minute session or 45-minute session,

my phone stays in the fucking car. I bet there's a lot of people who they say it's not. It's right there. They don't do it. And for me, it's my sanctuary. It's my hour for me. Nothing bad can happen in one hour that I can't take care of. If my wife gets shot in a fucking head, I can't save her in 20 fucking minutes.

By the time I get home and change and take a shout out from Jiu-Jitsu or the gym, do you understand? So I trust the universe to keep doing what it's doing when I'm in that gym for one hour. And it's my hour. That hour belongs to me. It belongs to my fucking head. There's no phone calls. There's no people calling me with what's going to. on their mind. I'm not listening to the news.

I'm not listening to music. I'm listening to me. That one hour is about me as I'm doing curls or as I'm walking on the fucking thing. That's why I always tell people you have. I push it to my wife constantly. You have to go to yoga. You have to go to the wine and get on that bicycle.

Even if you just go to the wine, drink water and sit there. It's your one hour sanctuary. It's something that we don't do. Yeah. That we owe ourselves. Well, it's interesting because last week, you, me, Steve Simone, Agostino, and Adam Hunter went to Denny's. And it was great, but I was overwhelmed at the end of it.

Like, it was too much. I like being alone more than I like being in groups. So after, like, it was like four hours between the Ha Ha ha and Denny's. I don't know how you do that every night. It was too much. I didn't do it every night. Why not now? No, you know that I always, I've been a single child all my life.

Yeah. So at the end of the night, I like to be alone. I need one hour of my own. time you know I don't like when I used to do blow I didn't like a lot of people in the room I don't like a lot of movement bro I don't like movement I don't like too many eight or nine in person I was never one of those guys to hang out with the guys yeah because it's too much for me that was fun the night it was fun yeah it was

you know five guys just talking shop which is you got to do it once in a while I don't do enough of that and I preach it I don't do enough of that I don't go out at night enough to do comedy during a week like I used to like I want to you know something very interesting happened I was home for four weeks yeah and I was really excited about doing that you've been home for four weeks since I met you

yeah so I wanted to have goals I wanted to see if I could hit my goals and my goals for the four weeks were to get an office okay to I was my goals were three kettle belt classes and two jitou classes a week and I never thought I would hit them my goals were to bring my book up to par

to catch up with my book to see what I really want to do with this book and the chapters and how to break up I did that there was just a couple of things and every day I wrote them down do you know that all four weeks I made my fucking goals

like there was maybe one or two goals I fell a little short out like we didn't get the shirt still tomorrow but everything else the most four weeks I pretty much hit like I was surprised about my Jiu-Jitsu goals I was surprised about my kettlebell goals

I wrote a little bit every day I made time. I was overwhelmed with the holidays and the CD and grudge match. Like, that was too much for me. I needed my fucking four weeks. You know, I shot Marin. I went on the road for three weeks. I shot Marin, and boom, I shut down for a fucking month.

And it was fucking mind-boggling. I enjoyed it. But I did something Saturday that was the hierarchy of everything. Like the end of the four weeks was tremendous. I did something yesterday that I would never, ever, ever do. And I preached to you guys, and I did it because of you guys. I went out of my comfort zone. I went to, about three weeks ago, I found out of Regan Machado was doing a seminar.

He's a bigger Machado out of the guy. He's a fucking legend. Okay. Jiu-Jitsu. It was $60 for three hours or something. It was on a Sunday, so I know it would have to take away from my family. Number two, all these things never, it was a jiu-suitous school away. Like, I hate going to Hollywood for a haircut.

I had to drive to Santa Monica for this. Oh, Jesus. So from Friday, I was giving myself excuses on why not to go to these seminars. I was giving myself excuses. Nah, I'm not going to go. I'm going to call salami and tell them I got a meeting and this and this. And by Saturday night, when I got back from the ice house, I was like, that's it. It's due date.

I either got to call salami and cancel first thing in the morning. You know, I kept giving excuses about my breathing, like I'm going to go there and get embarrassed. I'm fat. I'm not going to be able to do the moosey tea. teaches me I'm probably gonna faint I'm gonna have to go outside and get air that's why I really quit smoking pot That's why I switched to the vapor because I didn't want to have that lung failure I wanted to give it at least a week before I saw this guy, you know okay and I Walk up fucking Sunday morning with doubts I drank some coffee. I talked to the wife. I talked to the baby

And I just as I was gonna call salami I was looking like my little girl and I was like you know what? How am I gonna be a father if I'm gonna cancel this this is this is this I'm gonna I should be proud of this. Let me go down there. Let me do some moves and run around. If I run out of air or I get a heart attack, whatever. So be it. How long have we been doing it too, of course?

Since May. And it's the hardest thing I've ever done, at 51. And it's something I did for me, and it's something I did partly for you guys at home. To see that you have to try different things. In your life, you have to try different things. You have to stay fresh. You know, maybe you guys don't like J-Jitsu. I never thought I'd like it.

I never thought I'd like wrestling with fucking men. I enjoy it. I enjoy it. because it makes my mind work. Anything that makes... I realized yesterday why when I was fucking coked up at 19 in Colorado

and I was robbing houses and I was such a fucking mutt. I was still taking classes at night whether it was for fucking, you know, a geography or history. It was so weird how I hated geography in the 6th and 7th grade.

I didn't give a fuck where Africa was. What's I got to do with me? You know what I'm saying? Like, what the fuck was Belgium I have to do with me? But as I got older, I liked all those things. I took a geography class.

There were so many classes I took. And I think I took them because it keeps me sharp. So I got up yesterday. I was about the fucking call and cancel. And I said, how can I be a father? And how can I show people that, you know, what the fuck is going on there? And as scared as I was,

I took two fucking shroom texts. And I threw baby aspirins, I put my fucking ghee on, my knee braces. And I shot down the fucking Santa Monica. And I got there by 11 o'clock. And I sat in my fucking car. I think started at 12. I called salami.

And those, that 30 minutes in the car, I gave myself every excuse. Like, my shoulders started hurting. My neck was hurting. My heart was beaten. I told myself every excuse not to go into that fucking thing. Yeah. And then I saw him. I saw Regan walking down, Hegan, walking down the block.

And I was going to say something. I said, I don't even, I'm a white belt. What am I going to tell this guy? You know, I'm a fucking idiot. I'm not going to disrespect because I didn't say nothing. Once I saw him, I thought about the same things. I thought about you guys from the church. I thought about, you know, little things.

And I said, fuck it, I'm going in. And I went in there, and I sat down. I was the only guy in there. As soon as I walked in, there was the sweetest fucking black dude in there from Chicago, bad motherfucking. I started talking to him. Of course you been a black guy from Chicago. Oh, yeah. I told you, black people are the fucking best.

He fucking got me in. He's like, brother, we're all here struggling. Don't worry about nothing. I got your back. He was at work here. You should come here during a week and work out if you want. It was street sports in Santa Monica. So I went in, I changed.

I'm sitting there, salami. comes in, we're talking, and guess who fucking walks in there, guys? Anybody who's a Bruce Lee fan, anybody who's a martial life fans knows that Dan and Asanto, Dan and Asanto's like Bruce Lee's brother. The fact, he teaches Jekundo

in the marina. Guys, when Dan and Asanto walked in, I knew I had done the right thing, because, number one, he's 70 years old. He didn't go to the hangout. He went to do Jiu-Jitsu. He went there to do

Jiu-Jitsu, guys. He's 70 fucking years old. That was my dream to me to shake that man's hand. That man shook Bruce Lee's hand. That means I would have two people in my life that shook Bruce Lee's hand. James Colburn and fucking Dan and Asanto. I mean, I'm getting emotional. This is my fucking life, people.

Bruce Lee's my life. And then son Dan and Asanto walks, and he's 70 fucking years old. And he's on the floor stretching. And I'm looking at this guy going, what the fuck is wrong with America? Haven't meant we learned something? Look at this guy on the floor. And he didn't walk in all nimble and all fucked up or nothing. He walked in like a man.

He wasn't an old man. And this tells me that the more you take care of yourself in an older age, you become something. Something else happens to you. And I'm sitting there going, why is this guy learning his move? He might die next week. You know what I'm saying?

He's 70. But it don't fucking matter. It don't fucking matter. This is what I tell everybody. But this guy's the lesson. This guy. So I paid $60 fucking dollars to get the biggest lesson of my life. That it never ends.

You got to learn until you're fucking matter. fucking 85 and that's what keeps you unless you're gonna get shot in the head or hit by a car you take care yourself this is real this life is fucking real then the guy from boys and walked in rickie rack the drama jesus and then all these guys started fucking walking in and this other there was like a couple guys they were all 40s 50s and this guy walked in that was bigger than fucking me he was round like round and he was a fucking purple belt well and right the way the guy teamed up with me and we were doing all all this shit. And in between one of the things, I said, hold on to him. And I got to breathe.

He goes, no, take it. Take it easy. And I go, you know how it is? This is a fat guy. And this motherfucker looked at me. He goes, a fat guy. He goes, I had open-hearted surgery a year ago. End the fucking story right there. He said that he was rolling and his arm went dead. On a Friday night after Jiu-Zitza, when he went and got in his car and drove to the doctor, and they said, go to the hospital. And they had found out a valve had broke. That's why his arm was going fucking dead. So here's a guy I'm rolling with on the floor. That's 40-something years old, just had fucking open-heart surgery, round, big round motherfucker on the floor,

throwing me around, getting on top of me. Then they were fucking, they wanted me to do all the rolls. So they were fucking teaching me how to do the rolls and picking me up the black guy and him teaching me. Guys, it was a two-and-a-half-hour experience. I learned a few moves. I learned the Regan leg lock and all that shit, you know. But just the, I got, the biggest,

lesson I got was a jump start in my life by seeing Dan and Asante and all these older gentlemen in there rolling with these young guys just trying. There was a one guy that came in with totally white hair, total white hair. He didn't take a shot. He's a fucking brown belt. An old guy, you know, and I'm saying this is what wakes you up every morning. You know, first you had college, then you had your kids, and then everything, you need something to inspire you every fucking day. And maybe this inspires those old guys. Hopefully it'll inspire me. So that's why I, was one of the best fucking experiences I've had in a long time. What an end to these four weeks?

Yeah. Like what an end for me. Like I got this... Well, it's pretty cool. It's almost a year of judici. You saw, I'm sure, when you started a year ago, you didn't think you'd be doing that? A year, I started in May, and I was going

once a week from fear that I was going to have a heart attack. I'm mad. The hip escapes, it was so fucking hard. But every time I went, I prayed. Then I got off the testosterone. I got a little easier. And I got easier. And then I got into the kettlebells,

and I noticed that every time I go. to class, I'd make a little movement, and sometimes you go to class and you get beat up, and you go backwards, but it didn't really matter, and I'm using jujitsu, but it can be anything in your fucking life. I'm using jujitsu, but what we're talking about here is becoming interested in anything that's around you at your life, whether it be writing or fucking snowboarding, you know, just go for it, but it all starts your fucking character. And this is what got me through this yesterday, that had enough character that got up in the morning and say, no, I'm not gonna fucking make another excuse.

You know, I'm sick and tired of doing this to my life. I have to get out there. You know, beside the comedy and the kid, I don't get out there enough, you know, and that's what's fucking holding me back sometimes. So while you guys are learning a little bit here, I'm also learning from you guys. So I want to fucking thank you.

But yesterday it was fucking tremendous. I came back, I'd play with the baby. We went to the park. She took a nap. I came here with you. I answered emails. And you can't ask for anything better than that. You know, you could,

a million dollars. couldn't give me what I got yesterday. A million fucking dollars couldn't give me the excitement I got yesterday for 60 fucking dollars. I learned to move. Did you talk to Mr. Anasanto? I went up to him at the end.

I said, thank you, it was an honor. What can you say to a guy like that? What do you want me to go up there and take a picture? A picture couldn't fucking do for me what this looking at him did for me. Looking at him on the floor stretching and playing with his ankles

and moving his wrist around and watching him do rolls. At 70, do it. Fucking judo fucking. Well, yeah, but I'm sure a lot of people say that about you when they meet you. So I'm sure he would have loved it if you went up and talk to him, not for a picture, but just said... Oh, no, like the gentleman said, was not having you here rolling next to you, and I shook his hand. He giggled, you know?

There was one point where they were all helping me, and they were all giggling. Like, this was a teen fucking effort yesterday, picking me up. I'm 310 fucking pounds. I'm no fucking spring chicken. So it was just, uh, sometimes you got to fucking get out of your comfort zone, bro. And I preach it, but I don't do it sometimes. And I fucking did it yesterday and look at me. I'm like a little fucking kid.

So if you're stuck, if you're sitting there with a thumb up your ass, you don't know what the fuck to do, that's what you do. You get out of your fucking comfort zone. We finally fucking got the thing yesterday. We finally got the anecdote yesterday. How about some music?

Where's I want to be around for the spirits? I got to fucking blow my nose here. Tremendous my allergies are fucking up again. I want to be around. Oh shit. When somebody wake up cock suckers wash your pussy eat your cereal Eat your yogurt eat your bananas Who allergies on fire today

As you used to do with me are you fucking kidding me or what? Don't get me excited What's up? What's that one, baby? I'm feeling great. I needed this this morning. And it's, no, I just feel great. I definitely, it was a shitty weekend, but I'm glad I'm here.

You're happy now? Yeah. It's tough losing an animal, brother. Yeah. You're not there with your mother to hold her and sing Jewish songs. I almost went back, but it was $1,300 for like a one-day thing, but I thought couldn't do it. But $1,300. Yeah.

I don't fuck around. No. But, no, it's, um, it's interesting. This, moving to this office was a big thing. And I'm doing, I'm moving apartments this week. So it's a lot of change right now. I met this guy at the live podcast who came up to me and said, sorry.

Just so you know, like, there's a lot of people are trying to do what you're doing by quitting your job. And he said, like, it's great that you're not scared. But like, I'm, I'm still terrified because, like, taxes are due next month or an, month so I'm worried about that bill. I'm worried about all my bills because I'm not Jewish but it's seeing this office come together like the past two days was big for me

seeing that it's a reality now so it's exciting. This is my brother. One of the toughest things in life is for me to take away your security. I'm not meeting me. I'm just talking about

what some things require from some people. And what personal growth is. Nothing tops personal growth in your life. Not money, not accolades, not anything. And you don't know personal growth to you. It happens. Yeah.

You do not know personal growth until it happens. When I first came out here, dog, I sold cigars on the phone. Okay? I sold, you know, I can't remember all the things I sold. I sold donations for firemen and cops. I'm the day I was the day I met you I was supposed to go for an interview for one of those things because I couldn't make I couldn't make it into me

I had to cancel an interview yeah no it's a fucking nightmare but I worked I worked I one morning I got coked up and I didn't go to a job and I said fuck it they're gonna fucking fire me anyway so I didn't go and

I was scared you know you're you're so called an artist you know artists are people who have trust funds and they drink coffee all day and they say how they're an artist motherfuckers like me you understand me hustling motherfuckers like me we ain't artists we're fucking savages so you get up and you do what you do so I was always I did it gradually like I sold cars and did comedy and then I realize but what happens is it's the law diminishing returns you're not going to give both those things uh 100% of your effort

In my world, something I realized when I was 35, that I wish I would have learned when I was 22, is you've got to give 100%. Yeah, you can do a couple fucking jobs. And they're jobs. I'm talking about when you're trying to make money, you're trying to do something. We have a situation.

We have a dear friend that he's been here for 14 years, a dear friend of mine, good comic, you know, but he found a niche. And for years, you know, this guy loves movies. And he loves actors, and he loves this, and he loves going to auditions. And I said to him, you gotta stop that fucking day job.

And at first, I think he took it as an insult years ago. And he's like, well, you know, it's easy for you to say, you got a girlfriend that, listen. When I got the longest yard, the night before I got the longest yard, I borrowed $40 from fucking Jeff Garcia. And my wife was working two days a week at fucking Starbucks. Okay, and we had rent, a car, car payments, cats, insurance, visa cards.

And it happened. But let me tell you what happens when you have a love having a passion for something and you want to do it 100% and you can't figure out how to make money you're never going to figure out how to make money if you don't make money doing it do you understand what I'm saying to you so if I'm trying to be a comic and I'm trying to fucking pump gas every day to cover my bills I'm not really learning how to be a professional so what happens is you remove that safety net like I said if you want to be a fucking wellenda you got to remove the fucking safety anybody can fucking balance themselves in the street on when they walk you never see those idiots

When they walk in the cracks to the sidewalks, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. That's great. I'm talking about to be a motherfucking gangster. A fucking well-ender, you get up. And one day you go, you know what, I'm not doing this no more. I'm going to put my commitment into this. What's your commitment? You have to email people.

You have to get up. You have to get on the phone and call people. So my buddy of 14 years, I find out about a week ago, because he's got something going on that's pretty good in the artistic side, which he can make unleavened, If he sinks into this, I found out he's selling insurance. So what's selling insurance? Selling insurance is calling people up and pitching them.

I'll list the fucking clients and call them. You get the clients from them. You call them, you go out there, you sell the insurance, or they call a $1,800 number, and then you return their call with a quote, and you close him. Okay. For the effort he's doing there and the money, because you're not going to make money until you start closing people.

You're not going to close nobody for 90 fucking days. Even if you do, you're not going to get a payment for 90 days do you get going? Do you follow me? They give you a little fucking salary, but that salary is only for fucking 90 days. After 90 days, the safety net gets taken off and you got a salary, fucking day. What would you rather do? Which is the same

thing he's going to do for his company. Same thing in his niche. He's going to have to call people and find out what works and what doesn't. So what's the difference? I rather make the call from myself to make them for some fucking insurance company. You're still going to get 90 days to you start rocking the fucking rolling

late. So do you understand the difference? difference when you quit your job and you believe in yourself that much that you call your boss and say bitch i'm going to become a fucking painter fuck you and your fucking job something happens something happened and life makes you sweat karma makes you sweat but as long as you get up or if you're one of those guys is going to get up at one and then go the phone's not ringing you're going to fail you're going to miserably fucking fail. If you don't have a fucking job and you believe in yourself,

I don't care if you stay until 3 in the morning, you still got to get up at 8. And you still got to attack the emails early. You've got to call all the comedy clubs and then try to put people together to come to your fucking shows. And then you've got to write material and you got to do all these things.

But if you do all these things every day for four or five weeks, you might be broke. But you might be also surprised on what the fuck might happen also. Somebody might just fucking call you. I was telling Terry this. the identical. I go, Terry, how many times do we make rent

a week late? We still paid rent, but we didn't get a check. We'd borrow the money, I'd borrow the money, I'd call a friend of mine, but we always paid the money back because we got... I'd get a job like the 30th of the month. For $800, our rent was seven. Do you understand? You know, you don't get what you want.

You get what you need. Yeah. And eventually, you start putting two of those together, and eventually you start putting three of those together. Eventually you start putting photos together and next thing you know you're making a monthly fucking living. Now you're making a living. That's going to sustain. You do a few commercials.

You might book a movie and you do some fucking stand-up. You might sell this. You might help somebody write this. You might help somebody write that. All these things fall into fucking place. But you're still working at what you have. That's why I always say. All the checks go to the same place.

My residual checks, my fucking work checks, my fucking... Whether I get a check for a dollar or would I get... I was telling somebody. The other day I went to the bank with $80, and there was seven checks from residuals. Seven checks added up to $80 fucking dollars. Who sends you fucking money in the mail? Yeah.

I get pissed off. Look at these motherfuckers. I mean 44 cent residual check. Guess what? Joey's a fucking Jew. I put that 44 cents in the bank. Years ago, I used to rip those checks up. Then gas went up.

You think I'm fucking kidding. I would throw those checks away. A dollar eight. I would throw those away. I'm not going to deposit. Didn't they have a bar or something in Hollywood that you could bring those to and get a free drink? You got everything. They give you all those 40 cents.

But the only thing that is interesting is I've noticed, even though I'm losing money, I've noticed I'm much happier, which is, it's hard for it's hard for you to say that. But, I mean, I do notice every day that I'm happier than I was when I was going to work every day. Listen, I just got an email from a guy, and he says, girlfriend's a school teacher, a kindergarten teacher, and she's not happy.

She just realizes this is what she's got to do with her fucking rest of her life. Yeah. Okay. For 40 years. For 40 fucking years to your 65. She's upset and she doesn't know what they do. And he wrote me an email. What can he say to when I told her the most important thing in this fucking life?

Money is great, bro. It's great making money. But it's better than make money at something that you love. It's great to make money. If you make money in the stock market and you know, compounded and buy fucking real estate and whatever fuck you do, that's great too. But if you believe in a lightbow, that you're going to put a cat face on it.

And one day you start putting these cat faces on and you start selling two a month and four a month and six a month and eighth a month. And next thing you knew, fucking Target buys it. This was your dream. You had a funny feeling, a light bulb with a clown's face on it.

Your kids would love it. You believe in that. And you're a millionaire. You're going to be a lot happier that if you invested $10 and they're fucking, you know what I'm saying? You're going to be happy either way. Yeah.

I used to work for a roofing company and they paid me all the dough in the world and my brother-in-law's roofing company. We got to call to me. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. It's my fucking girl, Rosie, motherfucking train in the house.

Good morning, Joey. Good morning, beautiful. Thank you very much for getting up early and doing this, Rosie. I know comedians don't like getting up before nighttime. But I got to keep you motherfuckers in check. What's going on, Rosie? Nothing.

I'm actually nightmares about the You got to go somewhere where I could Where it's clear And I could talk to you And stand still

Don't be fucking Walking around Making coffee and shit Okay Are you getting feedback? Huh? Are you getting feedback? I got you now

I got you now Okay I don't know I just had a weird I had a weird nightmare that I was trying to call you And the phone turned to glitter The phone turned to glitter

The phone turned to butter To glitter Well that's good too That's always good when the phone turns into Fucking glitter You know what's going on in your world Rosie Tray I know you got a podcast going on But I also read your tweets

I know you're out there every night banging it What's going on in your world? I am doing shows I have a podcast out-of-the-box podcast.com On iTunes and Stitcher And I just interview weird, crazy, interesting people Okay And what else has been going on?

I see you're modeling T-shirts. You're always looking good. Me and fucking Lee were looking at your clothing line last night. You got little bikinis on and shit trying to show that monkey. Talk to me. What are we doing here? Yeah, I'm modeling and I'm doing shows and just Hollywood hustle. I love you, Rosie, because you never stopped.

I've known you for a few years and you never stop. And the reason why I called you yesterday I saw some stupid fucking article that some female fucking open micer that got her feelings hurt put up about some idiot that said something about women comics you know and when these guys say shit or somebody says shit there's always a couple women comics that get them their panties in a row and I sit there and laugh excuse me I think people do this on purpose to fuck with them because right away they go fuck this guy or whatever and I think about girls like you and little Esther and I think about these girls that are

on the move, you know, that are always out there hustling and bangling, and you have been for years, and you see that your star is going to come in just when, you know, what do you feel about this shit? What do I feel about girls getting butt hurt, or what do I feel about some assholes saying that women aren't funny? Some asshole saying that women aren't funny. How do you react to that? I mean, do you just sit there and giggle, too, like me, or do you take it to heart?

What the fuck? It makes me laugh, and it also bugs me because a lot of the mainstream doesn't feature a lot funny girls so it's like I kind of said this before because a lot of people will come up to me after the shows and they'll be like oh you're really funny I usually don't think girls are funny and it's not that we're not funny it's just that we're not getting a lot of exposure I mean you know there's a couple funny girls here and there Whitney Chelsea that get a lot of exposure but a lot of us don't so I don't get pissed I mean I can see where they're coming from they don't know that we're out there but I get pissed off if someone comes up to me after

shows because I don't think you're funny I don't understand how somebody that doesn't do what we do would have the balls to come up to somebody who was one of the hardest occupations in the world oh people are assholes oh i know i fucking know a joke you don't seem funny you don't seem like you'd be funny and you know you can go to a person and be like you don't seem like you'd be a good way i've known people who i there's a guy in chicago that's a fucking dull dude when you talk to him but once he gets on stage he fucking rocks your world and that's why I don't judge people's personality because they could be like a hidden fucking, but people have come up to you after shows and said for a woman, you're not funny and shit.

I can't comprehend that. I haven't had that because a lot of people are cowards, but I've had people tweet at me. I did a show I was opening for Dave Atel and I had a great set. I don't know what this guy was talking about. After the show, he follows me on Twitter and then tweeted at me, you know, you were, you talked, you weren't funny. I'm glad they only gave you 15 minutes because you weren't that good. it's like this guy took time out of his day

to insult me. I don't know what he was talking about because I had a really good show, but he obviously just didn't like me. It's amazing how you were talking about this last week about sports radio. These guys have never fucking played a sport before in their life, and they'll sit there and criticize quarterbacks and

running backs and linebackers, these people who fucking work hard. These people sit at home on their fucking couches, gaining weight, eating Cheerios, watching fucking games. But they'll fucking call into a radio station and pulverize one of the players for making a mistake. And the sad thing is there's a market for these people.

Like there's a, yeah, they're called trolls. I don't understand. There's a fucking market for these people where they call in and people listen to this nonsense. I can't, that's why I love announcers that are like people who played that game. Like when I watch a football game, if they're football announcers, I feel happy. Because they play it. They know what the fuck's going on.

You know what I'm saying? They don't even need to be exceptional players, just that they play at that level. and whatever happened, their knees or they fell out, but it's better than some guy that was a ballet fucking teacher all his fucking life, and then all of a sudden he's on NBC Sports, bad-mouthing MMA or whatever the fuck, you know. These guys have never even got bits lapped and shit.

They don't know, so, but it's just amazing that I see, you know, I love what you women do, man. I've always loved women comics. They've always made me laugh. But some of them don't even know, like, you know, I've done shit digs with you out in the middle of nowhere, the IE, whatever, back in the day, you know, I've been heckled, I've been

whatever, and a lot of these guys just don't know what we go through. They just think, oh, look at this chick trying to go out there and do it. I think we're jealous. Yeah, no, well, it's just sometimes our perception about women should be doing. Hey, man, listen, I believe in women outlaws, too.

When I became a comic, I didn't become a comic to be a dissent person. I became a comic to be a fucking outlaw. Okay, because how many fucking outlaws We're outlaws. We have no union. We have no rules. We work at night.

You know, we drink. Eight of us are emotionally fucking unstable. I know I am. That's why I smoked dope and did drugs all those fucking years. So that's the qualifications for being a comic. You know, give me a college-educated comic, and I'll tell you to suck my dick. Even Jerry Seinfeld with his dick fucking face has something.

I bet that motherfucker got like a half-inch dick. Something's not right with him. You know, something's not right with that motherfucker's assholes. Stinks bad. something. We all have some fucking problem, you know, especially comedians. Every time I see it comedian, they try to act like they have it together, I fucking giggle.

I giggle. Do get it together and they leave the business. Because it's too crazy for them. Well, let me tell you something. Even if they get it together and they make millions and they become successful, they still have that fucking emotional baggage. Yeah. You know, I know I do. I had to

fight hard in losing that fucking emotional baggage. And every time I lose the baggage, I'd get funnier. You know, I would get more freer. I would get more avant-garde, as they call it, in the fucking streets. I don't fucking know, Rosie, but you know what I'm saying? Are you still married? I am still married.

How long have you been married for? He's the sweetest fucking guy in the world. I've been married for three years. And that's what helps you also. I think that every time I've seen you've been very happy, and when your husband's around, he's very supportive of you? I try not to get too crazy because, you know, there was a time I was kind of nuts, and I got sucked in.

I was doing, you know, like 11, 12 sets a night, driving left and right doing sets. And I kind of got sucked into the stand-up mania, and I had to kind of stop myself because it is kind of a crazy world. Well, I'll tell you what happens. Lee just made a good point. The other night I met Lee at the Ha-ha,

Wednesday night I did a late-night spot, and after that, him, myself, Adam Hunter, Di Agostina, we went to Denny's, and we spoke until two in the morning. and leaves my co-host. Say hello to Rosie Trantley. Hi, Rosie. And he was saying that he was fucking shell shock

after four hours, that he couldn't do that every night, you know. The comedian's world is a dark fucking world. And that was nice comedians. Those are comedians that went to Denny's. Yeah, those are comedians. That's a great guy. Those guys are really good guys. No, but Rosie, you know comedians that went and drank afterward.

Did that five nights a week? There's those guys, too. We went to get cheeseburgers or milk. A milkshake, yeah. 10 years ago, 15 years ago, I'd be going to do a half gram or gram a blow with some bread and drink. And that's why I did four nights a week. So now we're going to get a milkshake and a glass of water at fucking Denny's.

And Lee's tired. I was wiped out too, but the next day it's people, and it's so weird. Now, where are you from originally, Rosie? I'm from New Orleans. No shit. That's right. The crazy party town. Oh my god, I didn't know you go down and do comedy much or no?

I haven't been back in a while, but I do, I still know a lot of the guys in the scene down there. I mean, it's a really small scene. Bill Dykes, I don't know if you know Bill. I know Bill. I saw Bill at the, uh, at the, uh, whatever the other night, the fucking, uh. He was here now, but he's back and forth. And I started there. I started there with Dr. Ken.

Okay. And, uh, now I'm here. When do you want to go back there? Because I'll take you back there with me. We'll do a show. Oh, yeah. I love it. I know a lot of local jokes that, you know, I can only do when I'm home.

And I love it. They treat me so well, you know, it's a party town. It's fun. And I know all the little spots to get late night food. And I was a bad girl when I was there. When I was living in New Orleans, I was in high school doing stand-up. And back when I lived there, the drinking age was 18. and I was I started when I was 16

and so I was just being bad I was a bad girl's every Asian dad's nightmare doing stand up with a bunch of degenerates And now how long have you been out here Rosie I moved out here in 2002 Wow so you've been out here for fucking 12 years also Yeah it's a it's a track I gotta say positive because there's been some dark times Joey

So when people just say women aren't funny or whatever it's like they don't know what you know I've been I've been some dark times thought of quitting two three four times no we all have listen Rosie that's that's fucking natural but it's weird that you said something that was very interesting and I want people at home to listen to that sometimes you do go into the stand-up mania like I had a pull back too I know exactly and it pulls you for like three or four years that you're doing all this work for nothing that's what it seems like You do all this driving and all these sets and you get no accomplishment, but deep down inside,

the reason why I'm still here today, Rosie, is because of that mania we go through. I mean, there's a payoff and there's not a payoff. You know, like I felt like that recently. There's a payoff, Rosie. There's a payoff. I don't mean to interrupt you, but there's a payoff. I mean, I felt like that recently where I was like, what am I doing? You know, I've been doing this for years.

There's no payoff. My career is in the shitter. and then I went down to San Diego and I was headlining at Comedy Palace and had really good sets. And I know for the average person that doesn't mean anything, but I just felt, I felt so good

and I did about 45 to an hour and I was sick. I was sick like a fucking dog and I killed it all four times because, you know, after doing it for a certain amount of years, you kind of like get certain nuances and other things like that.

And I was like, you know what? It is worth it. And listen, Rosie, there's going to be one night where you're on stage and it's late and you're you feel like you're bombing and all of a sudden you just pull this fucking thing out and it's not material it's this energy because we all have material it's a certain energy we have on stage that comes out from years of doing it well that happened to me there you go there you go what was so amazing about it was so i sometimes i rip on stage but usually i do material but sometimes i do material

something happened. I was really fucking tired. I think it was like the Friday night show or something. I was so tired, and I just started talking shit with the audience. And what I did was, I considered peer creation. I just started writing material on, I recorded all the sets, so I still have the jokes now.

But I just started writing material on stage, like I got in flow, and I didn't even know, it was like I was possessed. And I wrote about 10, 12 minutes of brand new material that I have never done. And it was structured, Joey, like jokes. It wasn't like improv, like me just talking shit. It was like joke. Rosie, and that's when it pays off.

That's when you know that those three years, that three-year time period where you were always tired, you were always broke, you agreed to do things for people, and they were shitty people. You know, you not have any fucking short films I did, Rosie. You have any fucking, you know, when you see me, you know, I love comics.

So, well, you fucking Joey Diaz, he hands up with Joe Rose. He does a fucking movie with De Niro. No, I wish it was that fucking easy. You know, I used to leave the comedy store and do student films when I first got here. I had no home. So what did I care?

At least I go somewhere they feed me for a few fucking hours. So I would do all these student films and I did all these dumb fucking things. And when I'm sitting there opposite De Niro that day, I'm saying, what did I do to deserve me sitting here compared to all the other funny people that are out there?

And I thought about those nights when I left the Comedy Store and went to Hillhurst and shot some stupid movie with a bunch of Asian Kimer kids that came in from Japan. And they didn't know what that. When I looked at the fucking film, they shot my feet. I'm not kidding. I did a crime movie about valets that robbed your house while you were doing valets.

They fucked up the camera shoot. They shot your feet instead of your face. It was hilarious. Like they were doing the fuck. It was hilarious. This class was shooting. No, no, and I shouldn't say it like that. It wasn't like they were pointing at your feet.

They had one camera on you and then their style was shooting the other camera was on your feet with sneakers on just to see your movement it was the weirdest fucking thing I ever saw Are you sure you weren't in a foot fetish video Joey? I hope I wasn't but it wasn't No no no no because they showed you with sneakers on

it wasn't running around like a fucking caveman I was chasing people with sneakers on and going to get cars but it was all those little movies I remember today Rosie and that's why I booked that fucking movie You know how many auditions? I got off a plane and ran to an audition,

unprepared and bombed. Oh, yeah. Everything we do, years ago, when I was 400 pounds, the guy that owns a Tang Sudo School on Sunset next to El Campejor, you know what I'm talking about, Rosie? There's the Taekwondo School there.

Yeah, yeah, I do, actually. He's a good guy. His name is... It's the cost of shirt from Elcomadre, right? No, right next door, to Elkhal street from Elcombe from Elcombeys the Guitar Center. Oh, well, there's another,

There's another martial arts place that's next to, what is that, Toy, Toy Thai restaurant. Yes, there is. Right, right, right. There's a Taeklondo center over there. But this one's a Tang Suu, though. And he's a good white guy. And I bumped into him one day, and he goes, you should come work out. And I go, you know, I'm on the road.

I can only come in once a week. And he looked at me, and he goes, that once a week is going to keep you alive 30 years from now. And I always thought about what a beautiful statement that was, because that's what it is with comedy. Some nights we get up in the middle night. You're laying there with your husband. You're eating fucking potato chips. You're rubbing your toes. And you got to go do a set at some dump at 10 o'clock at night.

And you get up and you go to that dump and you do it, Rosie. And how much do you get from that late night dumb fucking set? You get a lot. Sometimes you don't feel like it, but you do. You really do. You really fucking do, man. So that's why when I saw that yesterday, I got to get a Rosie Tram. Because from what I see and when I read about the little things you put on,

on Twitter. You stay pretty positive. You're happy for other people. And Rosie, that's part of the fucking deal. I've been here. You've been here 12 years. I've been here I think five more than you, 17. And I'm just... I wake up every morning, Rosie, and I'm happy that I'm

still here, Rosie. Are you fucking kidding? I'm happy, too, but it just sounds so long when we say it out loud. No. Rosie, it's the beginning. You were going to be here anyway. Yeah, that's true. You were going to be here anyway. So what's a difference whether you're going to be what

be you're going to do go to New Orleans and do what be a waitress at this point honestly what I don't know did you go to college do you have a degree I mean I did go to college but my parents are still praying that I become a doctor or something oh sure you know you're Asian what they want you to fucking be I don't want you to be

my mom's so funny she's like at least the nurse Rosie at least the nurse and what nationality are you Rosie? What? What nationality are you? I'm Vietnamese Jesus Christ. beautiful fucking tremendous that's it that's the work ethic

that's why you're out there little esther i see what are you talking about some girl the internet on your Twitter who were you talking about who what did I say I have no fucking idea you were giving props to somebody

which is very nice oh that's a coaching okay you were giving props Dante's a girlfriend what is she up to she just uh she just hosted AVN awards uh

which is a big deal I got to give it up for her That was a big deal for her Did you go? I didn't go I was in L.A. working I'm going to be on an episode of Raising Hope

on March 14th if you guys want to watch You are on that? Well, I just on one episode I'm just a guest star Okay, that's Greg Garcia's show I don't know who's on it I was in like a couple scenes

No, it's raising hope on Fox Is that it? Yeah, yeah Raising Hope Yeah, that's Greg Garcia's show He's the same guy that did a My Name is Earl He's a great fucking guy

Yeah, he has the same guy That just did my name is Earl I know that He's a great guy to have in your corner So that's a start for you Rosie Honest to God I must live here and there You know

Yeah he's got three fucking shows On the year Rosie So at least see We don't look at the little things I mean before I came here Rosie honest to God Honest to God I always thought

that if I was an extra In a TV show That I would do great like I was going to be a fucking extra like in the back of my mind I was content with being an extra like if Eddie Murphy called me and said dog I need you in the background of this

I would have ran down that but look at you you're on fucking Fox on a Monday night at 9 o'clock you know Rosie it pays off everything fucking pays off and I'm still happier around I'm still happy you're really positive

about this and I gotta keep being positive because I have gone into those really dark places and it doesn't do anything you just get really miserable you know my life is fucking darker than dark and uh this is what gives me light is the stand-up well not just that too but there's a lot of judgment like you were saying you know that guy saying women are funny or this and i mean people especially with twitter i think a lot of people feel like they can just criticize you or whatever you know i've had a lot of people tweeting it and they had some chick

from canada the other day i had a blocker you know criticizing me saying i was lame myself i'm not funny I'm ugly. Why am I modeling? Why am I doing this? Why am I doing that? Yeah, just block those people, Rosie. They just woke up. You know, there's people that wake up every morning they try to ruin somebody else's fucking day. Remember, misery laws company.

These people don't know what the fuck we're going through, but not even just a stand-up, just in my personal life. I'm not the kind of person that goes around saying every bad thing that happens to me. Some people, you know, they like doing that stuff. They have, you know, an ache in their back and they complain about it for 20 minutes.

you know, I've had some other personal stuff happen, and I don't share that with everyone because that's my personal stuff, but I think everyone has their own stuff too, but I just don't think you should go around judging people like that. Well, like I said, Rosie, there's people wake up on the wrong. I wake up someone, when I wake up,

I put down it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. And there's always one fucking guy that writes something. And you're like, if you're writing this, let's say you're in New York, or you're an hour different than me, and if you're writing this, this early, the rest of your day is going to suck.

It's going to suck subconsciously. Is that what you're trying to do? By putting, hey, fat, fuck, fuck you. I mean, I don't get the joke. I don't get the whole thing. Someone tweeted that at you. You say, you say, have a great fucking day and someone said, hey, fat, fuck.

Yeah, oh, it's hysterical. I get one every other day. I got an email that was so horrible the other day. But I look at them and I pray for them. I send them an email. I had a guy that, made an email I hate Rosie Tran at Yahoo and he sent me an email that I quit I suck I'm horrible and I guarantee these are the same guys that come up to you up to the

show they smile at you and when you don't when you don't when you know that fucking chick that wants to suck their dick that's when they write these things about you nobody who's normal would write this about a fucking woman unless they wanted to get their dick sucked they have a fetish of some Vietnamese girls licking their balls And they fucking go up to you afterwards. That's the only reason why. Why could a guy that doesn't know you say these things to you?

Think about that. I don't know. They're either jealous or they're fucking mental midgets. I take those people, Rosie, I fucking... I step on them like a fucking cockroach. No, man. You know, you rub those people on your dick and you keep moving forward.

Rosie, listen, I remember being at the store in the fucking comics that say shit to me. It's easier to be funny when you're on below. And I could take these guys and smash. knock off for them and kill him at one shot but I thought to myself it's like Jesus when he was getting killed and he looked up and he goes father forgive him they don't know what to fuck they're fucking with I never did blow before I went on stage I couldn't do it I couldn't handle it I can't talk but in their minds they thought that I did blow and went on stage

it was explosive and was energetic they're probably quit by now Rosie where the fuck are they by now you're like no motherfuckers this is just me yeah this is just me they're probably quit by now there in some fucking state selling fuck fucking insurance and still bad mouthing people. LA sucks. You got to be a faggot to make in L.A. You know, all those guys are fucking faggots. And that's what happens, Rosie.

But I'm happy you call today. What's your podcast? It's out-of-the-box podcast. You can find it on iTunes and Sister. If you guys listen, that's great. I'm so happy. But we need reviews. So if you listen, please leave a review.

That helps me out a lot. Leave a review for Rosie Tran. Listen to the podcast When Rosie comes to your town Go see her Bring us some flowers And I think I'm gonna do a show On Rosie

We're gonna go here Going to New Orleans We're going to one eye jacks Dirty bitch We're going to New Orleans Performing at the Howlin' Wool For the What is the House of Blues Or something

No, well the House of Blues Wants too much fucking money That's why I was gonna get the House of Blues But I ended up doing a Lennette theater Because I was down there last year I shot a movie down there I got two nights of stand-up At a little fucking theater

But this year I want to do like La Nuit. I've been there. I've performed there. At La Nuit either? Yeah, yeah. They do a comedy festival in New Orleans, and I thought you was... Yes, no, or something.

And I thought she was going to contact me this year, but I never heard back from myself. But I'll call you on the side, Rosie. You can book something out and sell something out. With the people I know, they're just having friends and family and your fan base, we can sell it out. No, let's do it, Rosie. I will call you when I get out of you. I'm happy that you call, and I love you, Rosie. Thank you.

I love you too. And I'll do your podcast in three weeks, beautiful. All right, my love. Thank you for calling. Bye. Rosie motherfucking Tran, ladies and gentlemen, a woman with a lot of fucking balls. So if you're a woman and you're dibble dabbing at the house, I want to do comedy.

I'm going to fucking. Grab that fucking monkey. Get that person, get the fuck out of the house, and get on stage like a soldier that you are, you dirty bitches. And if anyone wanted to find her, it's at Funny Rosie, R-O-S-I-E on Twitter. I love Rosie, Trent. When I seen the tweet last night, I got to get around the fucking show.

Let me give some shout-outs to some savages here. Some fucking tremendous stuff. First of all, I want to thank the people who were fueling me on it fucking. com. Yesterday, I took three baby aspirins from my heart, and I took two fucking shroom tech sports and guys. There was a point where they were flipping me. They kept flipping me.

And I was catching my breath. And I would look up one time and I thought I was going to die. And I was there. I had my breath. and on the way home like wow quitting the smoke and really made a difference in just a week you noticed it just a week I noticed it but it was really the fucking

shroom tech so on it shroom tech I can't get I can't talk these guys up enough between the hemp force protein and the shrewtek then my fucking backbone I'm not gonna lie to you people that's where I live off of I don't eat before I come to this I do a protein shake and a shaker with some glutamine and that's my fucking breakfast when I go back with my

fucking breakfast go to onit.com give them a shot go to Joey Deers.net and go to the band of honor and pressing church. And there you fucking have it. You get 10% off. They got a new program, stay on it program.

They send you everything in the first of the month. Just like Dollar Shave Club, it's a great fucking deal. Look into it. They also have a contest that ends on Friday. To get in, you got to enter for the fight in Dallas. You get two free tickets,

airfare, or you get to hang out with Mike Dolce and get a personal honor. It is the way to fucking go. Go to Joey Deer. dot net or go to on it right now and get this fucking party started i want to give some shout outs to my main man rob koulesh doug packett always in the house i love doug waterboxing his beautiful wife for coming for the show chris parker alex persign congrats brother i love you

for what you're doing edy vicious jeremy classen and all the motherfuckers in the struggle debt squad all you motherfuckers i love you thank you for doing what you do every fucking day. The beauty of today's show was to get all out of your fucking comfort zone people. I'm sick and tired of hearing shit. Get the fuck out of your comfort zone. Go out there. Eat some strange

ass. Do something. That's the only way you're going to personal grow. And that's what I mean to tell you when you take a chance. I know that some people aren't in a great financial situation to quit their jobs and to become artist or follow your dreams. But this is what happens. You go to college? Who the

fuck are you to make a decision for your life? You know how absurd is that? How absurd is that? You're 18, I got to put it on you that you need to know what you're going to swam me for the rest of your life. At 18, you don't even know what you're going to do tomorrow. You don't even know what you're going to eat for breakfast,

and I got to make you decide what you think you want for the rest of your life. When I was 18, like, when you're that age, you think you know what you want. Yeah, you think. Like, I felt so old at 18. And then your parents agree with you. Yeah.

That's what really pisses me on. Your parents are like, sure. Sure, sign up for this for four fucking years. Then they get pissed off at you when you can't handle it. You don't want to fucking do it. Or you do get the degree, graduate, and then come out, you don't want to do the fucking job. That's what I understand. That's what happens.

That's what happened to me. That's what happens to a lot of people. They get that degree and they look around. They go, this is it. This is it now. I just went to school for four years to come out, to work for 40 fucking two years. So I can get a, what, a gold watch? Yeah.

And dinner? And you're lucky if it's only for four years. Like, luckily, Paula thinks she likes it, but at the end of law school, it'll be seven years, and she'll be $200,000 in debt. Yeah, but her starting salary, her average starting salary, is 90,000 fucking year. But what if a month in, she's like, oh, shit,

I didn't like that, don't like this at all. Then you've got to pay up to $200,000, so they're comfortable with that fucking computer, and you better start reading the fucking books on a law. No, I understand it, but see, after four years of college, I could see you wanted to become a lawyer. But you already know. You already know when you graduate, that's a cold hard fucking reality.

That's a cold hard reality. When I do those extra three years, I know that if I score hard and I keep my GPA up, I'll get interest from different fucking places. I mean, I know people who are, who are the people that are half attorneys? Parallegals.

Parallegals, they do fucking great too. Yeah. There's some paralegals that do fucking great too. I consider it being a paralegal. I considered it for a while because at least I got to work in law. I couldn't practice it. But I can do the paperwork. I could do the research.

I could do all those things that comes with. I enjoy all that stuff. Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, there's a lot of people my age now who are going to grad school, not necessarily law school, but just like business school, just because the job market's so bad. So it's... In today's the job market, and you guys know this,

and we've been talking about this for weeks. We've been talking about this for three fucking years in the podcast, because I don't see it any fucking other way. they're giving you they're giving you now society is giving you free marketing tools they really are giving you free marketing tools through Twitter and Facebook I mean if you want to go on there

and show pictures of your cats dog food that's your fucking business but you want to take care of business on Twitter and Facebook it can fucking be done so they're giving you this you have some type of dream you have some type of design I mean listen people you can't pursue your dream if your dream

is to be on a speedboat every month and drink martini's all fucking day You need 10,000 a month to do that. It takes a lot of nickel bags to control that fucking dream right there. But I'm talking about you get yourself an apartment like this office with a kitchenette. This can't be expensive. You get yourself a small fucking car. You don't fucking do a lot of drugs.

You buy a reefer or whatever the fuck you buy. And you control it. You control your fucking income. You control your budget. You can be an artist or whatever the fuck you want to be. You can get into comedy. You cannot get into comedy or get into a different venture. if you have $9,000 a month, you have to pay.

Like my buddy has an $18,000 a month nut. It's too late for him to go, ooh, I want to live out my dream. You're living it, bitch. $18,000 a month? Yeah, between the mortgage, the two cars, the fucking insurance. You know, some people's nut is fucking huge.

To make a lot of money, you need to have a lot of people working. Yeah. You know, that's a fucking huge goddamn nut. To control a boat, you know, you have to have a couple fucking people on it. So, you know, there's people who have, you have friends that have nuts with a family, 10, 8 grand a month. Oh, my God.

You've got to come up with 9 grand before you even fucking breathe. Nine grand. And some months you come up a month short, so you got to pop it on the fucking credit card. And that's a month Timmy falls down and hurts his fucking knee and scrapes his fucking eyebrow. And, you know, this is life. But if you keep the outpay low when you're getting into something, then it makes sense. We had a choice. We've got an office fucking 3,000 with views and fountains and secretaries and women coming in rubbing my feet. I don't need all that. What happens if fucking I lose my job? What happens if I break my own? Who's going to pay the two grand a fucking month? That's what people don't think about. They think with their fucking dick's in their fucking life. Yeah. 350, I could borrow. You know, it's like people that drive a BMW and they have a day job and they fucking, you know, and they're like, look at me with a BMW. What happens if you lose your fucking day job? That's a 400-dollar whack, brother.

You can't borrow a floor for two or three months without somebody saying you listen. It's either time to suck dick in that BMW or it's time to sell it. Yeah, well, think, like, I could have got a bigger apartment. Like where I had been for the past year, I could have had a nicer place when I was working both jobs. But thank God I didn't. I'm much happier now that I'm even downsizing now. You have to downsize in this economy, especially if you have a dream that you want to pursue. You want to fucking make a shoe and sell it afterward.

I know that you're probably going to hit that potential. someday you're gonna be a millionaire but for right now you gotta cover your fucking nut and you gotta keep it yeah and that's it that's just the fucking way it is so if you're thinking of doing something and removing the safety net just keep your fucking wax long when I got into comedy I got rid of everything brother everything when I got into comedy June of 95 when I finally said this what I'm gonna do and I backed up that fucking condo and I sold it I didn't make a dime I lost fucking money she took all the furniture I had nothing all I had nothing all I had was a dime

Watson, B-2-10, and what was in the trunk of that fucking car late. Jesus Christ. That's all I had. But you know what my rant was, a month? $35 for a page. That's it? That's it, in child support. That's all I had to worry about in my first year in comedy.

I lived in hotels. I lived in the car. I had a blanket in the car. I had little fucking stoves in the car so I can make fucking marshmallows. Oh, that car had everything in it, brother. I had everything in that car. I had radiated. If that car broke down, I had everything in there.

suits. Oil, I had weights in there, I had a basketball, I had a football in there. When that car got towed, I lost a big chunk of my fucking life, man. I left that car in Seattle on a side street. One night in the fucking rain, I couldn't stop

it. The brakes were low. And I abandoned, I, whatever, I hit a brand new fucking car from behind. I swear to God, the car was that day. And on an off-ramp, I just skid and hit this fucking car. For a month, I drove it without a bump without the quarter panel

Jesus and then I parked it and something happened I kept getting tickets and they told it and I never heard from the car again and the people of Seattle

fuck them they got the car they kept it with a they kept so we got to push this table back because this chair has to move okay not right now

just because we're squeaking too much we gotta put oil on these fucking chairs okay we're getting too much fucking squeaks here people are gonna complain Joe he stopped coughing

but now the fucking chairs are squeaking no it's a squeak let me finish up this shit here I want to give some fucking shoutouts also to my people, Hulu Plus.

Hulu Plus is always growing. There's not a week that goes by that I don't get five or six people that email me and thank me for turning them on to Hulu Plus. It's $7.99 a month. Plus, you get two weeks for free. If you go to the Hulu Plus webpage, you get one week for fucking free.

We, Churchill, what's happening now, Uncle Joey and Lee, we give you two weeks for free. $7.99 a month. Better yet, go to joey-deers.com. Go to the box and press in. Tell me. Joey, J-O-E-Y, get you two weeks for free.

Two weeks for free, brother. Two weeks for free. Who gives you that in this fucking business? Nobody. Free. You go there, you give them a credit card. Boom, you open it up. You give them two fucking weeks for free.

You can watch everything, documentaries, original programming. Give me the shot, Columbus did. The other people who I love is Dollar Shave Club. I live and die with these motherfuckers. How do I know? I switched to shave with you that day. Cut me? I can't complain about these guys.

I have not one complaint about Dollar fucking Shave Club. They're there for. for you for a dollar, $6 or $9 a fucking month. They send the razors directly to your door. You don't have to stand online. You don't got to wait until you get a fucking rusty razor. You gotta fuck that shit. It comes right to your fucking door on a monthly level.

You go to joey-diaz.net. You go to dollar shave club and press what in the box? Church, C-H-U-R-C-H. And you get $1, $6 and $9. Don't stop right there. They also got the one white Charlie's. You wipe your asshole clean. You squeeze that hemorrhoid juice.

It smells like fucking pepperment Tremend. Your asshole smells like a tic-tac. Number two, they also have the shaving butter. Tremendous. This you have to get on the fucking Dollar Shave Club webpage. Do me your favor. Just go to dollarshaveclub.com. Sign up. You either got a dollar a month.

That means for $12 a year, you get quality raises, two strips on each one. No alo. Fucker, you got to rub it on yourself on the side. For $6 a month you get the fucking aloe with the strips. It's a great fucking deal. For $9 a month, you get three four blades with three fucking switch blades.

A guy rubs your fucking ears with a Q-tip. You can't lose. You understand me? Go to Dollar Shave Club. That's how we make it fucking happen right now. Monday afternoon, Lee. You understand me? Cucksucking?

This is afternoon for you? Monday morning. I don't even know anymore. I'm fucking stoned on this vapor pen. Is it working? Because I saw you fiddling with it. Is it working? It works.

I just switched the tubes around. I got like OG Cush. I got fucking debt over there, and I got Blue Dream. It's a Tiva to get me going in the morning. These things fuck me up. This has been working on grave for me. I need to give my lungs a break, bro.

I really need to. For me to get to the next level on anything, whether it's the kettlebells, whether it's walking around, whether it's protecting my daughter. I need to fucking start breathing a little bit more clearer, bro. So I'm happy how to get...

I smoked pot for 37 years. I did my fucking time. I did my fucking time. You understand me? You need to smoke more pot, cock, stuff. And I mean, you, you people at home. Start bombing up right now. I don't give a fuck.

You guys are young. light, you can smoke 55 bonnets and still fucking crack a nut. Me, I gotta fucking do what I do. Love it, Lisa. What are your plans for the rest of the day? I have, uh, this is how big of an I am with Jerry Rocha today at 10 a.m. And then tomorrow I have

watched this with Rick Ramos and, uh, off the rails with Josh Wolf and Sarah Colonna. And, uh, I'm talking about today. What do you give me the week lineup? I don't know. Today, what are you going to do today? I have, what is this? As to a thousand questions today. It's Jerry Rocha and movie.

Okay. Cotsucker. What's with the questions? I got to ask you. What people at home want to know? I know. I'm telling them. Cog sucker.

Oh, and... What? Oh, and Steve Simone, his podcast is out after you're doing this. Beautiful. Today you're doing or you're putting that out? No, talking about a live podcast, Cocksucker. We have an hour of it. Did you put it up yet?

Not yet. I'm going to wait. I'm going to wait for the... If I put it up, then they won't listen to this, so I'll put it up later on this week. Once you put it up, connect it to this. Add it on to the end of it? Okay. Here's what you get.

We'll do a special intake at the end of us. Okay. You know how we fucking do, we're just here to give these people what the fuck they want. I want you to start your damn the right foot. That's why we're fucking here. I want you to talk about here,

whatever the fuck you want to do it or do with it. You know, we give you out some good tips. We talk about life. I just cut a fart that's horrible. And I'm sitting this fucking corner all by myself and the air's not working. He's hysterical. He went to the ladies.

He said, excuse me, can we have the key to the air condition? We like a little cold way he's like, what are you talking about? He's like, yeah, but the lady's like, no. I don't get the key. You know what I got to him? She just gave leave his look. Lee like, I like, hey, yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to change the air.

I like it, cool. Yeah, at 6 in the morning you'd think you'd want to make you on. It's cool. Even I always complain. It's cool. It's fine for now, but it's not blowing. With that fart. That's a good fart.

This is the smallest. It's going to pass down here. That's a tremendous. this fart. If you don't like it, you got to get your shit together. You know what I'm saying? When I crack my fart, I don't know what I'm going to fuck around. I'm not one of these fucking oggy dope fucking pussy. You know what I'm saying? I'm going to crack a fart for you.

I'm going to blow it out. It's some good stuff in there. I also want to give a shot out. I mean, getting some emails about these guys. Escape pod tank.com. They got high quality tanks, man. Tremendousalotation tanks. I still haven't floated. I've been busy as fuck. Don't be making jokes. I can float,

cocksucker. But these high quality tanks, float uh flotation tanks people have been looking into it and like i told me you first have to be mentioned before you get noticed they have a great product uh some people said they're going to order to have a guy around here that looked in it and looked into other flotation tanks he's very happy with uh escape pot tank dot com you could save two to three thousand just by going through them they'll ship it to you if you need for them one of these guys to come out and help you install they'll do it they know it's going to cost you a couple fucking hundred but you're going to save 250 when you

mentioned Joey Diaz or the church or flying Jews or Giamikas up your ass or whatever the fuck you like. That's how they do at Escapodtank.com. They're a great company and give them a call. You know, I've been talking with Jeremy and he's fucking great. If you've got a problem, they have an 800 number called Jeremy. He'll answer all your questions for you. He's a fucking soldier. That's why I love this company and I hope if you guys are looking for a flotation tank,

this is your first choice right here because these people will save you some door rate. At the end of the week, that's what I do for you. Whether it's saving your pussy, whether it's Hulu Plus and entertainment, whether it's on it. I'm always trying to give you the best fucking products for the best money that you have. I know you work hard for your fucking dough and the EscapePyptank that's making it happen. So go to Escapapopatank.com and check out what the fuck they have for you, right? They got tons of stuff. Call the 800 number.

They'll be more than happy. And that's what it's all about in this society. It's customer service. Not like calling a fucking Sprint. All of these companies, they throw a Hindu on you and they fucking throw you off. They throw a Hindu on you and they throw you off. You can't focus when you talk to a Hindu. You're thinking about fucking...

I hang up sometimes. If they enter the phone, I just can't understand that. When I click, I'll try the next one. How fucking rude is that? You hang up on a poor Hindu. Motherfucking can't eat meat. He's on the phone eating fucking grains and shit. His toes are all dry.

You hang up on him. I saw another Hindu yesterday at the park. His toes are dry and fucking dry. Unbelievable. Why are you looking at his toes for? Because they got sandals there. I got to see him. They're sticking out with a fucking short thumb, you know.

If you don't want people to look at your fucking feet, don't fucking wear sandals or flip-flops. Oh, my God. I just imagine you looking, what do you do at the beach? What do you do at the beach? Do you just look at everybody's feet? It's disgusting. No, but if I'm at the, if I'm on the fucking sand,

I'm playing with the, I'm playing at the sand with my daughter. Yeah. Today you've got to go to the doctor too. Today, you got to go today. You can't keep this up. You're going to have a pneumonia. This is five weeks. You've got to be a little scared in your head that you got a puberty.

you got a puberty care of something caught in your throat tied around the console aren't you scared at this point enough with the cough drops and you gotta get some heroin fucking cough medicine but you gotta get help today you gotta go to doctor today

you went to that fucking Puerto Rican at CVS they got nothing for you you always trying to save ten bucks cocksucker go to the fucking doctor today your mom's got insurance yeah no no I do it's I have like no time in the day you got time you got time because you ain't got no

time to cough. You ain't got no more time to cough. How much more can you cough? You don't smoke dope. You don't do fucking nothing and you're always coughing. I don't understand this. So either start smoking dope and coughing.

People don't care if you smoke dope and cough. Don't care if you're dying. But if you just cough, then you're concerned anybody. Okay. I appreciate it. So you've got to go to the doctor this week. All right, pick a nice Jew.

Go down there, talk to him in Israel, whatever language you use nowadays. But you've got to take carelessly. I need you're healthy. Oh, no. You've got to be a better friend to you. I need your fucking healthy cock sucker you're a young man you look beautiful I'd like the new haircut thank you look hot with Paul you're they holding hands what can I say you're a savage

you're gonna get married soon look at you gonna jump up and down you're handsome you gonna get a tuxedo what are you gonna wear in your wedding I have no idea don't lie to me Coxsucker what are you ready for a cheeboche or a little half no you want to bite a little cheebochee got fucked up the other I did I had three quarters of gummy oh my god that was that was a scary right home but I'm really kidding. It's Monday. February 24th,

it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. February fucking 24th, 2014. If you've been in the coma, I'm happy you fucking woke up. It's 2014. You're still telling yourself

fucking stories and mind fucking yourself. Get it together, cock suckers. Life waits for fucking nobody. Escape pod, Tech, Hulu Plus, Honet, Dollar Shave Club.

I love you guys. I love all the guys that listen to the show. Don't forget this Thursday to 27th, through Saturday night I'm in Laugh, Boston, get your tickets today and next Thursday,

March 6th through March 8th. I'm at the Stress Factory in New Brunswick, motherfucking New Jersey. I will be on Opie and Anthony that week, yeah, I talked to them last week, so I will have all the info for you getting ready to fucking rock.

I want to thank Rosie Tran. I want to thank my main motherfucking Jew and the Jew of Jews. That's your new name, The Jew of Jews. I like it. My man, Lisa. Siana. Thank you for moving. Congratulations

on your new position as CEO and fucking assistant to the assistant to the assistant to the assistant to the assistant. That's more like it. You bad motherfucker you. I love you. I love all you guys at home. Have a great week. It's Monday. Don't fuck around today.

Don't fuck around. Who gives a fuck? Go out there, stab, do what the fuck you got to do. Get your head together. Get your life together. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. I love you, Coxuff. What do you got for me today? I got a now that the show is over Don't forget to sign up for your free trial of

Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus let you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet, support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus. When you go to go to Huluplus.com slash Joey or go to Joey Diaz.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner.

Or for Black people, go to Zuluplus.com. Man, that's where they have fucking people stabbing people. It's a great webpage. What's the name of that world? All the Black. Oh, World Star Hip-Hipov? World Star Hipops.

That's related to the middle. Finish up. I'm sorry. Thank you. And then don't forget to sign up for Dollar Shave Club.com. Get high-quality rages sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Fractions. Now go to Dollar Shaveclub.com forward slash church or go to Joey Diaz.

com and click on the Dollar Shave Club bainer. And then also go to EscapePodtank.com. And get $250 off of your sensor. sensory deprivation tank by mentioning Joey Diaz or the church. Have a great day. Stay black and stay fucking beautiful.