The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #154 - The Church Of What's Happening Now

Episode Date: February 26, 2014

Jiu Jitsu coach John Evans calls in. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for 50% off your first order. Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Recorded live on 02/26/2014.

This episode is brought to you by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus that you binge on thousands of hit shows, anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey. That's Huluplus.com slash Joey. And also, by dollar shaveclub.com. Get high-quality razors sent to your door each and every month

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Promocode Joey 50% off of your first order. And also by NailedItLife.com. They have all of your weed and wax and oil vaporizer pens. mentioned Joey Diaz, no spaces, and get 20% off of your first order. Out of respect for Boston. Are you fucking kidding me or what? February 26, 2014. It's Wednesday, Coxucker.

You're sitting there scratching your head like, what? Pittedly! What? Fucking... This is Errol Smith at its best. Fuck all that nonsense. You fucking mooksie today. This is the motherfucking owl

Get your goddamn wings right here Straight out of Boston Living it, cocksuckers Linda Joe Perry Listen Cutting that motherfucker Like a piece of pussy without a condom Just slicing it

Oh shit Get your shit together Cocksuckers Get up jumping jacks Oatmeal Some fruit Yogurt for probiotics The whole goddamn thing

Kill it What the fuck Jumping up and down over there What's happening I'm welcome to the church of what's happening now. Joey Dia is my main man, the flying Jew, aka Lisa.

Guess what I did yesterday, people, I completed. The gold sheet. I ordered the fucking shirts, all right? 300 church of what's happening. Now a shirt, long sleeve with the flying Jew on the sleeve. Out of respect, because that's how I wrote. I could have done it up here, but he ain't dead. I did it sideways like that, like the fucking heckes.

That's how I roll. What are you guys doing today? I hope everybody's healthy. I hope you up. I hope your two feet hit the ground, you touch your head, and you thank the man for giving you another motherfucking day to sling dick. Because at the end of the week, that's the most important thing. What's going on, Tyson?

Well, now we know why I'm not an actor. I couldn't buy my script, and I did good for Hulu Plus and Dollar Shave Club, but the other one... You did. You slipped on it, though. You forgot on it. We never do on it for the opening. Oh, okay. I fucked up.

We've only done almost a hundred. We just passed a hundred and we just passed 150. Do you realize that? We're like 152, 153 right now? That's so crazy. That is fucking crazy, huh? Congratulations, Lee, you cock suck. I don't think of you, man.

To a week, 152, that's 70-something weeks. It's not bad. We're not, we're picking it all. Hey, listen, man, consistency. We come out here Mondays and fucking Wednesdays. Next Wednesday, we got no show next Tuesday night. We're doing the show. 7 o'clock Pacific, 10 o'clock Eastern Time.

We're doing some type of state of union address here for fucking the church or what's happening. I can't do Wednesday morning. I ain't gone live yet. Besides, that, what's going to do? going on, I was your day yesterday. You're getting ready to fucking move.

Everything's packed. Today's the big day. Yeah, it's a... Every... I've moved every year since I started college, at least once. And it fucking sucks.

But I used to just pull all-netters the night before. And this year, I did a little bit each day. And it's almost done. There's a couple odds and ends and shit like that. But at midnight last night,

I just said, fuck it. I need... I couldn't... I had three podcasts yesterday and I couldn't not sleep. before this, I would have been fucking dead.

So I just... Takes your energy out podcasting. It really gets you tired. Two or three of them. Two or three of them. They had to do three in a day. I couldn't even talk on the way home. You know what?

For me, mostly it does. But thank you for being on Ricks yesterday. When you're doing them that you like and they're good. Because, I mean, we usually... You ask me sometimes, was that a good podcast? And we usually have a pretty decent podcast. Sometimes it's a little off and on. But the one of the one

with Rick yesterday with you it just it was really cool and I like me and Steve Simone were goofing around talking about he had Duncan Trussle on his so it's just goofy and then Josh Wolf and Sarah Colon are always fun and goofy so I have it's not it breaks it up for you it was all different yesterday yesterday yesterday the morning was a little serious because I mean listen man when Rick called me that morning Rick is like Joe I have bad news for you now when somebody calls me and says they have bad news I don't know maybe it's somebody close to me or something he's like Harold Ramis Day. At first I was like,

what's that got to do with me? You know? Yeah. It's a shame, but what the fuck's it got to do with me? And then I started thinking, that guy put me in a fucking movie. That guy catapulted my ego. He didn't catapulted my career. He catapulted, he helped me.

That was one of the first turning moments of my life. I still have the picture on the wall, and I look at me and him after the shoot with my friend's uncle, who was also on the shoot, a Chicago guy on the wall, and I look at it a lot because sometimes when I get down,

I didn't get to meet him at the fucking candy store, and I said, can I take a picture? I got to work for him. So you don't have no idea what it did for my ego boost. Yeah, being a De Niro movie was great in 2002, but to meet, to me, the real conduit of comedy for the 80s, he was a conduit. You know, he really changed the game with Groundhog Day,

and he really didn't. I know we discussed this yesterday on Rick's. If you want to listen to it, Rick does a great movie podcast. If you're into movies, an old buff or whatever, he really knows his game. But I started realizing throughout the day what, Howard Ramis meant to me, you know, as a comedian, you know. And I think he even meant a little more than Pryor. Because Pryor was somebody I looked up to in a different sense.

Hower Ramos was somebody I was always a fan of, like, their work, like genuinely. like Jesus, that's fucking great. And to meet them, you know, nobody talks to me. I have no agent. I have no manager. Everybody's got a big-time manager. Everybody's got a big-time public assistant. I have none of those things.

And maybe it's in my best interest not to have one, but that made it all better. I could give a Frenchman's fuck. And that'll trump any fucking argument. That trumps in my eyes any fucking argument. Because there ain't no Harold Ramis is walking around, you know? So that's... No, it's great.

when he told me, because I was in here on another podcast, and I didn't hear about it, but I had remembered you talking about analyze that. So I was like, oh, shit, I wonder if Joey's okay. And I called you and you were fine, but... Well, listen, I lost fucking family and friends. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine. You know, I'm not gonna... I'm not one of those guys that's, you know, oh, my God, fakey. I'm not one of them. You're not gonna wear a black ribbon on your shirt? I've been at wakes, man. And there's nothing more. You want to be a fake in your fucking daily life.

Be a fucking fake in your daily life. But when you're out of wake, you really see the fakes. I loved him. He had his last conversation with me. He was my best friend. It doesn't fucking matter. You know, you're just here for fucking show. The people who yell the loudest at those wakes and who cry the most,

they're the biggest fucking phonies in the fucking world. Yeah. So I'm not one of those fucking peoputs. I'm going to sit here and bend and bang, bang the fucking thing. and, you know, there's a lot of people try to mooch themselves into the funeral now.

Oh, you think so? Oh, there's puky people in this fucking world, man. I always wonder how that happens because even for Philip Seymour Hoffman, they had the news shot of everyone walking up to the church. I'm like, I don't think he's friends

with all these actors and actresses and like, who thinks of, who does the guest list for a funeral? What happens is they think it's hip to be seen there. If they're seen that, they go? No, I don't know. I don't know the rules. I would never go.

But there's people in this city that think it's hip to be seen at places. I have a friend that I follow on Facebook. I don't follow him on purpose. I don't know what the fuck. How he even got the... And he's a wannabe actor. And every day, you know, every three days,

he posts a picture with those premier things they have now. You know, those things they put outside of a club and you take a picture of like a year in Hollywood. Every two days, it's a picture. And with the same fucking disgusting, stupid fucking undrogly. jacket and the same little Italian hat trying to be fucking international. Do you know what I'm saying? And you see the people he's taking pictures with and you see the people he's mingling

with and it's like it's these fucking people that are here and they actually believe that if you go out and talk to people that you'll be discovered and they omit the whole process of the hard work process. They're what you call, you know, they want to go and there's a word for it when you go and mingle, not mingle, but smooze? Shmoose. There's another word for even like people

used to be more smart, swarmy. Network. I'm going to go network, but you're a bunch of other fucking jackoffs. I hate that word. That want to cut through work and just they make believe because they go out and have a cocktail in their hand

that that's the hip thing to do. What are you doing? Oh my God, I'm a designer out. Get the fuck out of here. And meanwhile, I'm home studying and writing a fucking, you understand? That's a huge thing for people in my age is networking events and I always get the fuck there's no networking my my mom will call me

every week with a different thing and I went to like one of them and I found out like anyone there doesn't seem to be working they're not working they're a bunch of strokes they're talking about going to France and everything if they were anybody they wouldn't be there anyway yeah always remember that if they were anybody they wouldn't be there anyway yeah so if you're one of those minglers that likes the network take that word out of your thing there's no such thing as networking If you're not on stage What are you doing at this comedy club?

I'm supporting Lisa. Lysa Ad, don't need no support. He got into stand-up comedy. It's a solo act. Stand-up comedy is a solo act. I don't want no support. If you're a comedian, don't come down.

What are you going to support what? Support what? I got 10 minutes here. What are you here? I'm here to watch. No, go the fuck, do a club and do stand-up. Then, after you do two sets, if you want to go watch Dave Attell

or watch a legend, do comedy, go. But don't fucking, you know, I'm just going down. Don't you have a set tonight? No, I have the night off. There ain't no nights off in comedy. There ain't no nights off. I don't know what you're talking about.

Networking, doing what? Talking to a bunch of jack-offs, and if they're drinking, they're not going to remember you the next day. Yeah. You know, I had snorted coke early on with a few people, and I learnt my lesson. You mean you snorted with a group of people?

No, I snorted with people from the industry. I learned my lesson. At the next morning, when they wake up, they realize what they wanted, what they did, and then they don't talk to you. Really? They don't want to mingle with you because you know they didn't.

Intimate most secrets. You don't want to go there with people. That's interesting. People say to me, hey, I didn't get in high with nobody because I learned that. Another time I gave somebody blow. Another time at the comedy store,

somebody came up to me and said, man, I'm tired. I bought five packages from Chewy, the doorman, and I'm not going to do them all. My friend's not going to show up. Take one. I didn't even charge him to $20. I said, take it.

And a month later, he was on a meeting with Josh Wall. and John in the I said so who's gonna you get to get to play this person he goes Joey Diaz and the guy goes that Coke fiend same guy gave the Coke to Is it because people are

They're fucking disgusting here In their hearts they're ashamed of it No because they go Oh my God I've never done below before Yes you did you did it last night With me stop it Do you understand it? It's just fake fucking people Once you see that

You learn your lesson and you move forward You know what the fuck they're thinking You know I have a friend that I would say things to like leave him every second. Is this a motherfucker? Yeah, no, he was talking shit of mine. But don't say nothing. And he would approach the guy two days later.

What the fuck, and I go to him? I told you not to say nothing. Because done like that, you always know. Do you understand me? You always know. So one day when he comes out to give you his hand and he's laying on the floor bleeding from his asshole, you look at him and go, oh, by the way,

That night you were talking shit about me. I heard about it. Fuck you. Now I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire. You never let nobody outside the fucking family know what the fuck you're thinking. That's not in the movie. That's in real life.

Because it's like when I called you and said somebody got snotty with me on the set a couple weeks ago. I never said to nobody. I'm going to catch that motherfucker one night when it's just me and him. He's not going to know. That's how men approach met.

He's not going to know. He's walking around now thinking, fuck that motherfucker. He doesn't know. I'm going to bump into him somewhere and there's going to be a second where I'm along with him. I'm the king of timing. I'm going to go to the day on the set.

You thought you were cute? Is there a problem? He's going to look at me and his face. He's not going to remember what happened. It's just me and you here. Joe Rogan's not here to protect you. Nobody's here to protect you.

Do you understand me? That's a beautiful thing. I got scared? Yeah. You never say, I don't say no, no. I find out all the time. Who's talking? I don't say nothing. But I know.

And when I see him, I'll give him a hug. Hey, yeah, whatever. I know who the fuck you. I know what the fuck you're thinking. Then you get them. That's how you get those motherfuckers. Do you have fantasies? Like, I'll have fantasies of what I should have said or what I said, but it seems like you have a plan of heart.

No, that's the plan. There's no plan. The plan is that you're always going to get somebody alone with you at one time or another. And right there, you're going to blow his fucking world. And then I'm going to know how to act. No. And these guys always turn to Joe Rogan. They all do.

They all call Joe Rogan. Oh, yeah. They're a bunch of pussy, so they all call Joe Rogan. What's wrong with your boy and Joe Townsend? You fucking bumped into a beesiness, bitch. You're on your own. He hangs up on him. Bumped into a beast.

They all called Joe Rogan and complain. Like, Joe gives a fuck. Joe tells him. That's why I don't fuck with him. That's why I deal with him on a weekly basis once a fucking in a while, because I know how Joey is. That's why I don't deal with him. You said the wrong word in front of him or something.

Now you're going to have to live with that. Now you're never going to know when you're going to bump into him. That's always going to be lurking in your fucking mind. The master of disaster. Why hunt the fucking dog down? They're all going to come back to you. They're all going to come back. If they think you're weak, they'll come back lurking.

Then they'll crack another fucking joke. And that's when you got them. When you were younger, did he? used to like, like let's say the same thing happened on the set, what you've said something there? Like, did you learn a lesson, or was this always the way you did it? I've learned over the years. It depends on what mood I was in that day.

You know, you always don't know how you're going to react to something depending on what's going on that day. If I were to run over my own dog and got a flat and got a ticket, and you're waiting for something. Oh, yeah. But when you're in a good mood and somebody tells you something off-color, first you think about why they said that to you. You know, and then you think about how you're going to handle it, you know, and your best way.

And there's different ways to, and sometimes I don't do it all the same time. Sometimes I just blow my fucking top and I attack. I need to do that more. When I get mad, I get really quiet for like a while. Like, I'll just think. And I wish I had, I wish I, I would go, like, I would yell at somebody more often. But like, like, you're a sweetheart. But when I get mad, I get, like, I got mad at Paula, but around Paula.

And she's like, why are you so quiet? I'm like, this is just, like, if I'm not talking, you know that there's something wrong. Like, it's just, I don't know. I just, I always, I internalize it. I don't internalize it also. When you internalize things, sometimes, I do this. I'm the king of this. This is why I've learned over the years when you internalize things sometimes, they affect other thoughts that you have.

Oh, yeah. And if you don't address them for a while, they're going to address other thoughts and other decisions that you make. And that sucks. And that's, uh, That happens to me in relationships with different people because I love them. My first reaction towards somebody is love. Everything else is secondary, so I overlook all that shit. If I love you, I overlook everything.

I overlook it. And we all do. That's why our children are all spoiled. Yeah, that's true. That's why our children are all spoiled because it's okay if somebody does something. You know, the other day I was on the floor, my wife told Mercy not to climb on the furniture. and she was in the shower

and she was climbing on the motorcycle. I was in a tipsy. I didn't know what to do. I know if I pulled that leg off and she's going to have a heart attack. So I went to see what she was doing with it. And all she was doing was sitting on the motorcycle. That's her way of sitting on the motorcycle.

Okay. Then the other day I seen her fall off and bang a fucking head too. But you follow me? I mean, I should have stopped it. And that's where, hence the expression, they should have stopped Hitler in Munich. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? Spoiling. It's not really, it kind of is spoiling. but uh paul and i went to lunch the other day and there were two kids probably under 10 both and they each had an iplad playing at lunch and even when i was a server a few years ago

families would go out and give each kid a portable DVD player and i was a kind of my family my mom didn't even allow a tv in my bedroom not in the kitchen for during dinner or anything it feels wrong when i see that i'm like these are the kids who are going to go around like when they grow up they're not going to be able to know how to eat at dinner like it feels wrong to like give a kids I'm going to keep them quiet at a meal. Or sometimes you replace love

and attention with those things. Yeah. Comes back to bite you in the fucking ass. I watched a very interesting interview last night, Inside Comedy. I forget the host. The host has been around for a long time. Great comic.

And he had on Kevin Neeland and Andrew Dice Clay. Wow. And he had Andrew Dice Clay. It's a great show. I watched a couple of different episodes. I watched the Robert Shimon. In fact, I taped it. because they were talking about what clean comedy is and dirty comedy is

and shimmy really said some great I'm sorry today it's kind of stand-up it always changes people but there's always a fucking story out of this but Andrew he was asking Andrew what he thought he goes you know the day that Paramount bought me out and gave him my movie deal he goes I knew my career was over he goes so what did you do he goes well I had two young boys and I decided that nothing was over. I was going to raise my two young boys

because it doesn't matter how many movies you have if you have two shitty kids. That's beautiful words. Anybody who knows Andrew Dice Clay knows his whole world of those two boys. Really? I knew, you know, I've known Andrew for 15 years. I've been very fortunate

and I'm not saying this as a name dropper. I met him as a comedian, you know, and I really enjoy him. I really like him. I look up to him. He's a fucking smart kid. guy. Andrew Dice Clay is no fucking dumb. He started as an Elvis impersonator.

Was it Elvis? Yeah, Elvis impersonator. I can see that. He's great. And then a Travolta impersonator when staying alive was hot. He came out. He could dance and shit. And his father would drive him. A Jew father would drive him to clubs. And he

would go with him, go inside, do fucking, that's what Jew fathers do. Project 10% for gas. 13. 13% but that's the evolution of a stand-up and Dice has some

fucking beautiful things you ever have a problem stand-up-wise you go to Dice solved three minutes solved really? Yeah he's just a genius

when it comes to that stuff so I really respect him for saying that because that's something I aspire to do you know I'm leaving tonight to go on the road and it's so funny how

it's tough to pack your bags when you have a family you know but you think of the people People are coming to the shows, and I'm going to get to see this guy and that guy, and it really makes you happy. You know, but it's not what I want to do when she's five. Oh, yeah, of course. You know, I want to be around more. You know, I want to be around like Tony Bennett, you know what I'm saying?

Bang, there you have it. Now, I don't want to, I'm sure he's not even listening, but I don't want it to come off as disrespectful because I know he's a comedy legend. But it's just a question. Let's not even say him. Well, why? because the Andrew Dice Clay is a character, correct? Why? It seems like a lot of

comedy people, if it was someone else doing it, wouldn't like that. Like, it seems like they might think it's like the guitar comics. Like, why is he, you know, why was he so good at it, maybe? Or like, why was it different with him, do you think? He committed.

Okay. He really committed. Andrew is a really fucking good comic. Oh, yeah. I mean, he's a legend. It's not a legend as I think that word And brilliant and genius Is overused sometimes I think the word to use is he's a great comic

He knows the in and out He knows the basics And most importantly he did the work Bill Burr knows the insides and outside But he did the work Mark Marin knows the insides and outside He did the work There's a lot of comics you see to that

Didn't do the work He did the fucking work Sebastian Manascalco Did the fucking work you see the work you see the work they could get derailed about fucking half the room could blow up

and that's a professional you know they don't sweat small fucking things they focus on the prey the prey is the fucking laughter to see you motherfuckers laugh that's the prey and you don't want to kill them

you just want to keep biting them so they keep laughing that's my man I'm biting you so you can laugh ah energy's going into you energy's coming out of you that's what stand-up is. There's mechanics on stage.

When you do a small room and you do a big room, big mechanics, your timing, you've got to pronounce your words, all these things go into it. If I got one good thing from being a comic is, I want to aspire to be a writer. Like right now, I really want to start writing. You know, one thing I'm going to stress with my daughter is writing, that freedom that you have with a pen.

It'll change your life forever. It does anything. The freedom that you have with your mind with a pen, The freedom Harold Ramis had when he wrote a lot of that shit took you to different places. You know, that's the beauty of this whole fucking game. And that's why writing is so fucking important. It's something. I overlooked the first 13 years of my career.

Just sitting down and writing because you'll bump into other things. Today is February 26, 2014. My father died February 26, 1966. Jesus. This last week, I've been writing this chapter in this book because it's the toughest chapter I ever have to write because it was a chat. You know, my father died at 37.

The story is that he thought he was snorting coke, but it was heroin. You know what? I did coke for 30 years, and I made a little mistake between coke and heroin. Okay? So you could tell me whatever story you want. There's always been weird. I saw the fucking, I saw the fucking obituaries. that said he died of a heart attack. And for years, they had me thinking he died of a heart attack.

It was a relative in Miami. A good, good friend of his that told me the truth. And he was like, your mom never told you because you didn't want to hurt your feelings. But that's the fucking truth. So I went back and before I confronted my mom, I went through all the boxes up in the attic. And I got every write-up about his death.

You know, and other things fucking mentioned it. Mm-hmm. And I've been thinking about that chapter the last three days. It was the reason why I did not ever want to do coke. I never wanted to put nothing up my nose. For years, I had made a deal with myself. It was okay if I drank beers or boons for a lot. It's okay if I smoked pot.

But the day I put something on my nose, it's over. And, you know, there's a lot of variable factors in my mother's death, but maybe two weeks before my mother died, I did coke for the first time. And that changed my life forever because it was a belief that I had. It was one of the first beliefs that I really believed in that I broke. And that was part of breaking down who I was as a young man. You're not blaming that on your mother dying, are you? No, not at all.

Okay. It was what I'm saying, it was like the beginning of something. Oh, okay, good. It was the beginning of something. I thought I was doing something that was very, what's the word? I thought I was doing something very innocent. I thought I was doing something with no backlash. Little did I know there was a backlash

You know and anybody who's done drugs Knows there's a backlash you know That was the biggest backlash I wish I could take that day back Really? Yeah, I did it with Loops Me and Loobes bought fucking peppermint schnapps and vodka And we mixed them and we sprinkled coke on the glasses And then we did little lines

And it was just, it was a sad fucking day And I guarantee if I get them on the phone right now And I said think really hard How bad at that day? affect you. You know, he doesn't have a tooth in his mouth. He's missing two front teeth. So that day affected us forever. That day will live with us forever. It affected me for 20-something years, and God knows how it affected him. So do you understand why my belief was, do you understand what I'm coming from? Yeah. I had a big time belief. I never wanted to put anything up my nose. And then I put,

I didn't put coke up my nose first. I put T-H-C crystal up my nose first. Okay. And then I was like, okay, I'll do the T-HC crystal. But I won't do the fucking blow. And then I got the lung infection, and I was sweating in the hospital. They're going to scrape my lungs and find the T-A-T crystal. I almost said something to my mom, but I didn't. Thank God, I didn't know. They scraped your lungs?

Yeah, because they had to see what the fuck was in there that was making me spit blood. So they stuck a camera down my throat with a little scraper. Oh, God. Oh, please. Don't fucking remind me. I was 15 years old. I was fucking traumatized. Christ's Hospital in Jersey City, New Jersey.

I was throwing furniture out the fucking window. You know, they had me in there for seven. 17 days and they finally had to ask me to fucking leave. Like they didn't care why I was spitting. They were like, you gotta go, Doug. You're just a fucking savage. And your fucking friends are a savage too. I fainted. I fainted on top of a fucking dude.

But it's so weird how that day affected me forever. But I think I'm up my father and I know he watched over me growing up. I know for a fact that there were situations where somebody watched over me. You know, I met a lot of his friends. he was a really good guy. A lot of his friends came to see me

and told me about him as I got older. Even my uncle, he doesn't even have to, he doesn't even have a kind word to say about my mother, my uncle. Every once in a while I'll say something fucking outrageous about his own sister. He said that my stepfather. My real father was really good people. He didn't like my stepfather, but he really,

he goes, I remember seeing him in the city as a young kid because my mother and my mother and uncle were here in New York City together, but my mother was living with my own, My father and my uncle was living up in the Spanish Harlem or something he was telling me. So he'd go, I would go down. Your mother would be in Jersey. But I would see your dad running errands in New York all the time.

He'd always giggle and he'd always laugh. And he goes, he bought me a winter jacket one day. We should have your uncle. I just realized when he looked at me. I've heard stories about him forever. I'm trying. He don't want to fucking get up early. Oh, really?

Yeah, I got to bring him all the way up here. He'll get pissed. My wife said something yesterday because he kept calling every night this week to see the baby. And he wanted us to meet this yesterday, downtown, at some fish market. And we said, fuck it. We couldn't make it. We went to get the T-shirts, and then we got Cuban food. And we turned them out and come home.

Mercy was tied, you know? It's really nice when I get this. Like, I'm changing my schedule around when I come back. When I come back, I finally figure it out. I can't go to Jiu-Tos on Tuesday. I can't, no more. So I got to find something or go to a class that's Mondays and Wednesday mornings because I'm here 90% of the time.

So if I go to a class on Monday and Wednesday in morning, it's the next nine weeks I won't be here at all. I'll be here for the podcast. That's basically it, just a fucking podcast, you know, the two podcasts. So I'm really happy. We could still get to do that. But no, I think about my father. Every day I have no pictures of them.

Really? I gave the last picture away, and I left something bolder. And I think my sister said she might have some pictures in Cuba. So I've been going back. I hope my sister got this letter. It took me three weeks to write a little. letter in Spanish. Oh, wow.

Three fucking weeks to write this letter and mail it. Why did you write a letter? Like, if you just want to write a letter, send the pictures of a baby, you know, all the shit that's going on. I made a copies of movie pictures and send her a few of those. You know, you got to, she's my fucking sister, Doug. Oh, I know that. I'm just, I'm just, like, I shouldn't even be surprised because it's you, but it's

like with the days of email and, and phone calls, like, I, I understand the picture part of it, but just writing a handwritten letters. There's no emails in Cuba. I can't email. Really? They don't have no access to the internet. Wow. I don't think they can communicate.

I know like my cousins have Twitter and shit, but they only hit me on it when they're traveling around the world. They don't hit me on it every day. You know what I'm saying? It's a different fucking world, man, with Cuba. It's fucking different guys. And you think about it.

You think about your freedoms and you think about their freedoms. They've got no fucking freedoms. In fact, when I get home, I'm going to watch something, Some people hit me up on Twitter. Bizarre World was all about Cuba last night. That little chubby fat guy that's gay.

Oh, he's gay. I don't know if he's gay, but look at him. You could tell somewhere along the line. He sucked a dick. Somewhere in his past. He sniffed a nut sack, something. I like all those shows. I can't do the food he eats, like the bugs.

No, no, no, no. I can't watch that shit. But I like some of the places. So last night somebody was hitting me on Twitter before I went to fucking bed, and they were telling me that they ain't going. So I watched the last 10 minutes of me and my wife. They caught some wrong.

rock lobsters under, you know, there's no boats a lot in Cuba. There's no boats. Like, if you go out there, what do you see? Nothing. So they've maintained that to the original. The botany down there, that fucking, you could see right through the water. There's no fishing in Cuba? There's no fishing.

There's no commercial fishing. There's no boats allowed. That's mind-blowing. Fucking mind-blown. But Fidel wants to keep those waters like that. So it's really weird. Is he still alive? Yeah.

Well, that's what they're saying. There's some guy, you know, a Madame Poussar's fucking mummy fucking palace over there on Hollywood. Is that the name? I don't fucking name. Wax Museum. The wax museum. Same fucking difference. I love mummy palace.

Same fucking difference. I'm going to sit there and look at a bunch of wax figures. I'm a fucking adult. I look at those tourists when they walk on Hollywood Boulevard. I feel so bad for them. Yeah. I really feel fucking bad for them. I've felt bad for them since day one.

Since I first walked on Hollywood Boulevard, I go, I can't believe people come out of here. to step on these fucking stars. You know I've never done that? I've been here for three years. Fuck, how old are you having to walk around? Look, it's Clark Gable. I don't give a fuck. Keep walking.

Some bum pissed on there last night. It's disgusting. Yeah. It's fucking disgusting, Hollywood, it's good up to where they take Jimmy Kimmel. Then after that, that McDonald's and all that shit down there. Mischelli's ain't bad,

they got a nice meatball. What's up, Lisa? I had a cocks sucker. I got you in the corner there like a Puerto Rican, you can't do jumping jacks no more. You can't do fucking nothing. You can't, well, you can wiggle for Uncle Joe. Where's the music?

You got some music, Uncle Joggi? What the fuck? You got to break it up. Of course, man. Wednesday to 26, Cotswarko. Oh, shit. Wednesday morning, Cocksuckuckers. Wash that pussy.

Let's do this shit. Nobody wants to have a stinky pussy on a Wednesday. What? Wash those nuts. Power of those motherfuckers. I'm fucking stoned already. Are you really? Yeah, man.

I can't believe him. Not smoking fucking weed no more. And it doesn't, no, no anger, no, no fucking demise, no fucking withdrawals, no nothing. Had you gotten that other times you tried to quit? I get angry. Yeah. By the way, today I'm smoking a eureka. I still haven't contacted my man, the brothers up there from me.

Nailed at Life. Nailed at Life, I've known these guys for a while. In fact, I knew their fucking cousin. I grew up with that cousin in Jersey. I'm trying to get that motherfucker to call the podcast because he's got some great stories, Tweety. But these two guys have NailedItLife.com. They've been on the show before, you know, they created Gumi Bears guys for the best vapor pen on the market. NailedItLife.com. Mention Joey Diaz get 20 fucking percent off. I'm going to hit them up when I leave here and have to mail me a couple with the fucking Goods or let me know where I got to go get the goods. I want every vapor pen. I want to try every vapor pen in the market because now I'm not going to smoke no more. So if you nailed it life got the best one You're telling me you better nailed it life. I don't fucking think so. Okay last time I hit the nail I'm we brought one over here too. We just don't I haven't set up yet. So I'm gonna fucking set that motherfucker up. I got to call the guys from Nailed it life before a vapor pen people always hit me up Joey

What's the best vapor pen? Go with Nailed it like because you can hit the wax all the fucking oil it's got everything trust me and these guys you got a money back guarantee one year on the fucking battery you cannot lose trust me when I tell you about these guys go to their web page nailed it life dot com go to their Facebook page nailed it life like it and get 10% fucking off I don't care what you fucking get off if you're gonna do business you might as well do it with these fucking people I kid you know if you gonna smoke fucking the oil do with these people again fuck you and your blow torches I can't have a blow

torch around me dog it brings back a lot lot of fucking memories. Cut it out. The vapor is tremendous. You know what I'm saying? Do you have flavored ones or what are you getting? Flavored. Whatever.

I don't do. I'm going to smoke a fucking hookah. This ain't a hookah. This is T.A. C. Motherfuck. I know, but I've had people come up to be like, I'm smoking a Girl Scout cookie today. It tastes like mint. I'm like, okay. I didn't know.

He's going to leave. Okay. This is, this is, this is Blue Dream. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a Tiva. Okay. They have indicas. So I get O.G. Cush.

I get Girl Scott cookies. The refills I got with Girl Scout cookies. Okay. So it's pretty good. I did a half of fucking chocolate bar this morning, like a little low sugar. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, baby. Get the blood going from here.

I got to go to Kettlebell. I'm already backed. Oh, really? What time is your flight? My flight's at 9 o'clock tonight, you know what I'm saying? Ooh. Why are you doing that? Taking a red eye.

Taking a chance. Columbus did. I switched it around a little. Okay. Why not? I was at 7-11 the other day, and I thought, I always think of you when I see annoying shit. There were these three kids, well, not kids.

They're probably maybe my age or a little bit younger. But they each got a 12 pack of Corona bottles, but they each paid separately, and there was a huge line because of it. And all that stuff kills me. It's like, why not just one person paying, and then you pay him back? And every time I see stuff like that,

I'm like, I wonder what Joey would do here. I tell you what was crazy. I tell you, whenever I go to 7-11, I go for the waters, I got to get a bottle of water. Watermelons, zero-calorie water, or I get a blue cigarette, or I get coffee.

That's all I get at 7-11. I don't mingle with nothing else. Sometimes I go on there to buy water, and I feel fucking pissed off, you know, because there's always 20,000 fucking people in there. The guy's got a turban. You know, he don't know no English. You know he's plotting against America.

You know he's plotting against America that's selling those reckon radioactive hot dogs and shit. But there's always at the one I go, there's always some fucking people trying to get a lot of retick it like that's going to change their fucking world that shit drives me crazy yeah they go in there and they get 50 scratchons the scratches are weird this i mean and and whenever anyone wins with the scratchers like you see them take their money their winnings and buy more scratchers like why not why not quit when you're ahead oh my god they get a fat and they slow you to fuck down let me get the numbers 2 9 8 48 48

66, 94. I'm like, what the fuck? You know, it's like, no, no, no. And you feel bad for them. Because, listen, man, anything could happen in this life. I don't mind if you go in and buy two scratches a week, and one day you win $27,000. You really won something.

You really won something. Yeah. But if you go in there every week and buy 50 scratches a day and a lottery ticket here and you're going to fucking win, but you didn't really win Because at the end of the week, when you add it all up, you're going to notice by the time you got in your car and went down there and drove, it's such a gamble, man. And I always believe that if you're going to gamble, gamble on yourself.

I don't know why. You know, thank fucking God I didn't get bit by the gambling bug early. Because I was doomed for it. At that age, all my buddies thought it was cool to fucking gamble and lose money and have a bookie and pay him and my book shows up at my job and he's cool. I ain't a fucking cool. Some guy that takes your money.

because you bet on the wrong fucking black people the fuck is wrong with you what the fuck is wrong with you you bet on the wrong black people and fucking now you gotta pay up ain't that a fucking bitch ain't that a fucking anyway gotta catch myself

and I got nothing against black people you guys control sports I'm saying that how it is you know what I'm saying you bet on the wrong black people if you bet baseball you round the board you bet on the wrong Puerto Ricans same difference you know what's that

what he got to ask me am I excited to go to Boston Fuck yeah you and I both know how I feel about boss yeah you know It's too bad it's too bad baseball hasn't started yet Well let me would you since would you go to offend my park if you had the chance if the season that started Then I know you don't really leave the hotel but if the situation was perfectly yes. I would do anything But it's like when I go out of town people want me to do Jiu Jitsu That's I want to do it too what if?

Saturday I got two Soldar shows I go to do Jiu-jitsu and I break my ankle What if God forbid

I break a toe I break a finger somebody knees me in the face and break it might not happen It might not ever happen But it could happen

What if on the way To Fenway Somebody says Fuck you You fucking Jew bag And I throw a fucking popcorn at them And I go to jail

So do you understand From what perspective If I look at things sometimes, especially when I'm on the road and I've got a commitment. You know how embarrassing it would be for me for me to get in trouble on the road? Which happens to guys like me?

I've been known to get in trouble on the road. I've got to rest in the Idaho. I got to rest in a few places on show day, on game time, you know? So what if I go to a game and it's a great game and I'm in Fenway Park yelling and scream and I lose my fucking voice. I go to Fenway Park. It's to leave it there, motherfucker. I'm Cuban. I'm Cuban, bitch.

I'm not going to go there and sit. You know, and basically whoever they play, they're not going to be as favorite to me as the Boston Red Sox in my heart. So I got to yell for the Red Sox. Yeah. No, yeah. What's going on? We got to call him here.

Oh, shit. Good morning, sir. Good morning. Look at Mr. Evan with a sugar drink in his hand. I guarantee you get one of those energy drinks in your hand. You got your Gion. You're ready to go, aren't you? I'm ready to go.

How are you today, sir? I'm doing well. Thank you very much for doing this, John Evans. And first of all, for you guys that don't know John Evan, he's one of the, we met. Because basically, John Evan made the final push and got me into Jiu-Jitsu over at V-MAC. So I owe my life to John Evan. John Evan, I went over to V-MAC one day in the afternoon. I had gone over there at night, and I got really intimidated.

I went over in the daytime, and you walked over to me, and I had street clothes on, like a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, and you're like, hey, how you doing? My name is John, if you have any questions. And you walked away, and you go, hey, if you want to come up. on the Met, you're more than welcome. I'm like, look at this fucking guy. He doesn't even care. I don't have a geek.

He knows his stuff so well that he knows that if he gets me for one hour, I'm going to be fucking hooked. And I came back, like a week later. I signed with John Budd, and here we are on the phone. I'm one of your biggest fans, John Evans. What's happening, baby? Nothing much. Just train.

I've got a bunch of good students like yourself, so I'm a happy guy. And you're presently at Cabrinius. We always have this conversation. Yes. Yes. I'm at Cabrini's and training. Everyone's getting ready for the Pan Ams, so it's pretty brutal training, but it's good.

Now, one of the Pan Americans, the Pan Ams? Yeah, yeah. Pan American Championships are happening, I believe, on the 12th. I think it's the 12th of March in Irvine. Okay. And it's arguably the second biggest tournament in the world for Jiu Jitsu, for Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. So a lot of guys are coming up from Brazil training with us.

What's the first one? The biggest is the world, which is only about two months later, I believe. I'm going. I'll be in, it's in July, correct? Is that the one in July? Okay. So you're thinking of the Gracie World. The Gracie Worlds.

That's the one I'll be at in San Jose. Yeah, there's a bunch of different worlds. No, there's the IBJJF worlds. And they also, the IvyJGF also run the Pan American Games too, which is International Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Foundation. The Gracie worlds are run by a different Gracie, though. So, yeah, there's so many Gracie. They all have their own tournaments now.

So where are the worlds taking place at? The world during Long Beach at the Walter Pyramid, which is a great venue. I don't know if you've been to it. No. Well, it's really nice. Everything's new, and it's huge, plenty of seating, and a lot of people. If you haven't gone to the world, I highly recommend it

because all the Brazilians fly up, and they fly up with their teammates. And it was crazy. The first time I went to the world was there in Long Beach, and I didn't realize that the teams, there's separate teams like the Gracie Baja Alliance, a bunch of different teams and they sit, they'll usually wear their team's shirt for the worlds and they'll sit in one section of the bleachers

and during the finals they'll start chanting at each other back and forth for their fighters that are facing each other on the mat. And it's really crazy, like they'll sing and chant and it gets a little heated, but it's pretty cool. So now this Pan Am, are you also going to be, what's the word I'm looking for?

Are you going to be fighting in them? I was planning on it. I still may do, and I did hurt my back. I just missed a week, a straight week, just a few days ago. So I am back now, though. Everything's good. If I'm in cardio shape, then at the end of this week, I think I'm going to sign up. And what's cardio shape for you when it comes to Jiu-Jitsu?

Oh, man. It's not, I don't know if a lot of people had trained before. maybe that listen to your show, but cardio shape is pretty intense. Like, if you're in good cardio shape, it's not just like what you can do in the gym. Because in the gym, we roll maybe when Cabrini sets the timer, you roll 10 minute rounds, which is really long, like typically most people roll around five minute rounds, maybe seven minute rounds. We roll 10 minute rounds, and we roll six of them in a row without stopping or maybe more. and you just change partners every 10 minutes,

which is pretty brutal, but that's not even being in cardio shape, because you can do that in the gym, but when you go out to a tournament and you start competing, the nerves just kill your cardio. So if you can do that in the gym and you think you're going to be good, you go out to the tournament,

and you might be dog tired in the first two minutes of the match. So you have to really push your cardio to the next level in order to keep fighting through. It's amazing that it was around me for the last, 10 years, you know, and I always, I don't know, I was more of a striker. You know, I was raised in the 70s where everything was more striking, Bruce Lee and karate and Kung Fu. And I don't know what made me walk into VMAQ. I was frustrated with the kickboxing. It wasn't doing anything for me. You know, it was helping my cardio a little bit. Plus, I had an ear infection at the time from flying

and it's a weird thing when I'm in a small area, the echoes make me dizzy. I get, I, I get, like a lumbago what's that stuff you get where you get dizzy all the time there's a there's a vertigo that's what i would get oh wow so it was just every time i go on there it was so much echo at this little gym that it would drive my ears crazy i can't tell you how i don't know what it was i've never had that sensation before and there was a kid there named ramon here i've known that he bravo and tate fletcher and alberto crane and you know i've been bumped into Marcelo Garcia at comedy events because he's friends with Joe when I've had conversation and I never thought about the jiu-jitsu till that one night I drove by and I saw a V-Mac and I go I have

no excuses I'm right down the corner I mean even if my fucking car breaks down I could walk there and John Evan you know it I'm not here to line nobody the first 30 days was the hardest thing I ever went through in my life John Evan you know it you know John Evan I was having a hard fucking time I was doubting myself. It was rough. Well, you know, that's not uncommon, though. I mean, the reason that I stuck with Jiu-Jitsu is because I got smashed, like hard, hardcore smash. Maybe my first whole week of class, of course, he gets smashed for your first six months or so.

But it gets way easier after that. But the first week, I got smashed so bad that I was just like, how could someone mind? size make me feel that horrible and I want to know how to do that so it's not uh you know it's no knock on you it's just when you're new to it it's crazy i was i mean i would get heart attacks by the hip escapes as soon as you said hip escapes my blood pressure would just skyrocket and i was in the testosterone i would go over there and it was just killing me my my anxiety was to a different level you know sometimes i would forget and i either potter I eat a pot edible in the daytime and I go to one of the night classes

and my whole world would be turned around because once the marijuana tells you're going to have a heart attack, you're going to have a heart attack. I mean, I would have to take my ghee top off and run outside. And it took me three months of mental, like every time I would put my knee pads on and then my ghee pads, like I would say a prayer. Like, God, please, if I'm going to die today, you know, make it be hit by a fucking car.

not by a hip escape. I don't want to die on the mat. And then one day, I just got off the testosterone, and I put my faith in you. I went to a VMAQ had a little tournament, and I walked in there, and you were there on a Sunday. I had flown in from somewhere, and I went, and I was just amazed.

I had gone to karate tournaments, and I had been to UFC events, but to see a small competition, I understood where these guys were coming from because I know what hard work is through comedy. It's the same thing. You're going to perform. John Evan, I'm going to perform.

It's the same nerves, John Evan. Yeah, and anyone, I mean, I've never done stand-up comedy or anything, and I think most people can relate with the fear of public speaking just for anyone. I think it's the greatest fear of adults, which is crazy to me, but it's true. It's scary. And especially there's like stand-up comedy, I could only imagine just one person. You have to be funny for all of these other people. your heart's got to be in your throat.

And same thing, if you haven't competed in a combat sport, it's very, very nerve-wracking. And a small tournament, you would think it would be better, but it's nearly worse because there's this weird kind of informality to it, which makes it feel like a backyard thing or something. It's grassroots. Yeah. It's grassroots.

So I felt the fear when I walked in, and that's what made me fall in love with Jiu-Jitsu that day. that it was no different from what I was doing. Hey, listen, man, when I first got into comedy, John Evan, I'd show up to get fucking booed. I didn't get booed, but I didn't get no laps. What's the fucking difference, John Evan? What's the difference, John Evan?

So then you go to, now you get on stage 10 times a month, and basically you're getting booed nine out of the 10. But the more you go, John Evan, now the booze become less. You get eight booze a month, then seven booze a month then six booze a month and then pretty soon you're going to get booed twice a month

that's going to happen I don't care how good you are but you stick with it and that's why I stuck with Jiu-Jitsu because I could understand the fear of doing stand-up but to me it's second nature I'll get up at a fucking 7-Eleven and do it if you dare me I of the fear of fighting in public

or wrestling in public to me is fucking embarrassing Not in a class setting. I love getting choked out in a class setting. But if I was going to a tournament, like the worlds or anything, even that little one that I was at with you, I'd be shitting my pants. I'd be farting.

I'd have anxiety. I've had pee stains on my ghee because I'd pee my pants now before I go on stage from fear. So I don't know how you guys do it. I think you just described my first tournament experience. Okay. It's terrifying. It's horrible. And I had never competed in any combat sports before.

When I did my first one, I'd only been training two months, and I had no idea what I was doing. They just said, hey, you should go do this. And I was like, all right, it won't be that nerve-wracking. I just showed up to the gym. It was an in-house tournament, but we invited other gyms that were local. Just showing up to the gym and just walking inside, like, I had thought I was. was going to puke. Oh, I felt so bad. And it just feels like you're going to be in like a real fight, even though you know, like,

oh, I'll just shake hands with this guy and we might go have a beer afterwards. But just for some reason, your body is like, this is a real fight, and you're fighting for your life, and you should be scared. And it's very freaky. But, yeah, it's very nerve-wracking stuff, and it makes you incredibly tired right away. One thing about you that I really admire And for Lee that is Lee's my co-host, the Flying Juice Say hello, Lee to John Evan

Hey John, how he's doing? He's a great man, John Evan. One thing that really gets me going about you, John Evan. I'm a big fan of yours is that I dedicate my life to stand up. Lee's dedicating his life to podcasting and producing my albums and whatnot. You dedicated your life to Jiu-Jitsu.

You're a young man. You teach it. You personal train. You perform. You know, how does this make you feel? I would be in heaven. It's, you know,

I wouldn't recommend getting into Jiu-Jitsu for the money because there's not a lot of that in it. But, I mean, I was always a nerdy kid, and I'm a nerdy adult, and I like the ins and outs of, you know, they make comparisons to chess, with jujitsu and it's just a very technical sport and i love that about it my ocd just kind of goes crazy and i have to know everything um and then that with the competition side of it oh it's just

fantastic so even though you know i'm just scraping by i'm doing what i love every day so really probably the best spot i've ever been in in my life which is a really nice thing to be able to But you do videos, you do commentary I read. You know, I've never seen you do the commentary, but I know you do YouTube videos. You started a tournament where you do in your backyard, which I fucking think is tremendous. I think it's the great.

I wish I would be home when I was home. You didn't have it. I would go just on a Wednesday just to watch. And it's the same thing we're doing. We're just trying to feed ourselves here every day. You do it differently. You do it with something that. maybe there's no money in, but the satisfaction level is just superb.

I mean, you're basically the only guy I called when I can't make a jiu jit-sue class. Because I love how you teach. I was thinking about your warm-ups the other day. I used the single-like takedowns. I knew nothing about that. I knew nothing about takedowns. I was scared of doing them. You made them so simple.

And now you said something to me at that tournament that was what a good friend says or a good teacher or somebody who you're going to work with, you looked at me and I go, you know, I love to be doing something like this, and you said it's going to be a lot of hard work. You know, it's going to take you like 18 months. And I remember getting the car going 18 fucking months. And then I thought about my stand-up.

I'm taking Jiu-Jitsu just how I did my stand-up. It took me 20 years to really find the in and outs, and I worked hard at it. It's going to take me the same amount of time J-Jitsu to fucking figure it out. And on Sunday, I saw Danny and, the Santo rolling. Can you believe that?

I never even knew about that. I thought he had like a blue belt or a purple belt in jiu-jitsu. I think he's been training a long time from what I remember. I mean, he was training for a long time even when I started training. I started training seven years ago. So I'm sure he's been training all along. He must be pretty knowledgeable by this point. Fuck, he was there with Bruce Lee.

I mean, he's got to know. thing or two. I mean, not about Jiu-Jitsu, but I mean, he understands the martial arts, so he must be picking it up real easy, but just to see him rolling at 70 and what his body looked like. But most importantly, what his mind was like, he was a sharp guy. He's a sharp guy.

At 70. Oh, absolutely. So, that's it, John Evan. I'm just, I'm a big fan, man. I wanted you to call for a long time. And, you know, you're just, your approach to teaching. Why do you have that approach? that you break it down.

And I've never worked with nobody else in Jiu-Jitsu. They tell you, put a foot here, put an arm there, and do this. You tell me why to put the arm there, why not to put the arm there. Where did you get that teaching style from? Probably just good teachers for myself, you know, like my... I love education just in general. When I went to college, I hated the whole lecture. notes format. I think that's a terrible way to learn unless that's particularly the way that you

learn things. Like, everyone learns things differently. Depending on what your personality's like, you know, are you a kinetic learner? Do you learn by moving? Are you a visual learner? Do you have to see something? Do you have to read something? Everyone's different. So to try to throw a blanket over and then label people as dumb or whatever if they can't pick it up, I think that's just the worst way to go about things, and that always frustrated me. But then when Jiu-Jitsu came along, I had some really great teachers.

My old teacher, Sean Williams, a fantastic teacher to really explain things well and just break it down for anyone. So if you didn't get it, he would say something, and then you'd get it. My teacher now could bring you, an amazing teacher, just really knows at the end and outs the game. And if you had questions, he'll just sit there and answer them for you. It doesn't matter, you know, if you feel that they're stupid or if it's just a tiny little variation or you have 40 questions, you'll answer them all.

And I think that is really important because some things come naturally to some people and some things are just tougher, but we all learn at our own pace. It's just important to make sure that everyone can learn whatever you're showing that day. I don't know. It would help me a lot, and I would love to be able to help other people with Jiu-Jitsu, especially it's so technical, too. So if I can do that, then I'm pretty happy. It's really weird. The other day, I went to that workshop, and he was talking about a student in Brazil

when he first started teaching him and one of his brothers. I don't know which one of the brothers he and Michato was talking about, and he said that they had a student that he goes, he hated to say it. He was one of the dumbest people he had ever tried to teach. That every day he had asked 30,000 questions, and the next day he stood in no other technique. Well, finally, after like five years, he picked up a sweep. But he did that sweep so good. He said the guy's name, and the guy won the Worlds four years later or something like that.

And that's how he won the Worlds. He did the sweep eight times or something to that. different opponents or something. And even though they knew it was coming, his sweep was so good because he just fell in love with that one sweep. And he just focused on that one sweep or something. And he goes, he was just killing.

I forgot the guy's name of me that he said. But it's amazing that there's a lot of moves in the Jitsu I can't do, and there's a lot of moves that I could do. And you take the things that you could do and you practice them. It's so weird. There's a lot of moves I can't do, you know? And there's times that I get ashamed or something, that I feel bad, but then I go, wait a second.

You always come in with a variation, and you get me to one point where I could work it from that point, even though I didn't know I could do it because of my size or my girth or whatever. So there's a lot of people out there that ever since I've been talking about Jiu-Jitsu on the show, John Evan, they've been hitting me back and going, because of you, I walked in to a jiu-jitsu thing, and I do it. now and I just wanted to have you on to let people know that it's very easy it's just getting down there you shouldn't be ashamed that every size works there's something for every size in jiu jitsu absolutely i mean that that's in my opinion that is the best thing about jiu jitsu it's for everyone it was made originally for the weak the feeble to not uh not to come to bigger bullies and

that carries forward. Of course, today, it's the same thing, but also now, if you're bigger, if you're athletic, if you're lengthier, if you're smaller, it doesn't matter. Everyone can do jiu-jitsu. And sure, there's something that you have to modify, like if somebody has a bulging disc on their neck, we're not going to play a lot of inverted guard, or maybe they can't play any inverted guard because it's going to be too much pressure on their neck. But maybe they can use a butterfly sweep or they just roll up on their shoulder instead of all the way back onto the neck and that still works for them so you know there's always going to be obstacles

but uh i think through trying to work through uh the sticking points and then also slightly adjusting the game for that specific person anyone can do it and that's what's so great about it john now what's the videos that you post up on are they instructable videos or you do commentary on videos? Both. Both I do. The main thing that I do, I started a BJJ breakdown, just Brazilian Jiu Jitsu breakdown. I started it because I wanted to put commentary on high-level tournament matches.

And mainly because I was injured, getting older, you know, get injured a little bit more. and I had a bunch of downtime. And in my downtime, I like to keep visualizing, keep drilling, jiu-jitsu. So I'll watch a lot of tournament matches because it's really good to see what all the top-level guys are doing. But I also thought, well, I really, I mean, it was about two years in where I looked at one of the matches from the worlds, and I was launching it in the black belt match, and I had no idea what was going on. And I've been trained for two years, and I had no clue what was happening. And that was crazy to me.

So then, you know, only about like a year or so later, I started to realize, like, wow, I know a lot of what's going on now. And then maybe a year or two later, I kind of knew almost everything of what was going on. And I figured by throwing commentary over these high-level matches, I can help anyone who doesn't train or is just interesting. student training or even people that have been training a while to see everything that I'm seeing and at least put context to it so it makes sense and it doesn't look like two guys sitting there hugging in pajamas. So that was my goal and that's the main thing that I do with BJJ breakdown. But we also, for the people that do train, we do instructional as well.

I threw up one with one of my teammates, Isaac Doderline, who just won the Europeans at Brown Belt. He's phenomenal, and he shows a flying leg drag. And it came out pretty well, so I'm happy with that. And where can they find this stuff, John Evan? Yeah, so the best way to find it is either at my YouTube page directly, which is YouTube.com slash BJJ Breakdown, or you can go to BJJ Breakdown. Or like me on Facebook. I have a Facebook page for BJJ Breakdown.

down so any one of those John Evan you're a great guy and a great teaching you've helped me a ton you know I continue you know I'll be your student forever brother so I just want to have you on and let the people know and if you want to you know John to train you if you're in town visiting or you want to try John to tighten your moves up how do they get a hold of you on Facebook correct yeah you can just hit me up on Facebook or you can send me an email my email is John at J Oachn at BJJ Breakdown.com so nice and simple you're beautiful John Evan I'm happy you woke up earlier do this I love you know I seriously I mean it's it's students like you like people that you know it doesn't matter

you just have a positive attitude towards it doesn't matter if you're taking a long time to learn something or you learn it right away but you know you're going to learn it or you'll tweak it some way to learn it, just a good attitude, and you just keep plugging away at it. And, I mean, stuff like that is for a teacher, it just is so rewarding. It makes it all worth it.

So I really, really appreciate you and students like you. It really makes me feel complete when I'm teaching. Thank you. You know, there was an article floating around Facebook a couple weeks ago about the nine things your jituitary teacher that doesn't want you to know. Did you get to take a look at that stupidity? Yes, I did.

And it's really weird what it's become, but thank you for keeping it real. Thank you for genuinely caring, which is what I feel from you. You genuinely care, and you can't put a price tag on that. That shows you're a great teacher. So thank you for waking up early and calling, John Evan. You're a gentleman to scar, and I got the utmost respect for you, man. Oh, you guys, too. Thank you so much.

I really, really appreciate it. have a great day and we'll talk during the week. I'm headed to Boston, so. Okay, well, good luck there. You got it, my man. All right, thanks. Thank you. Seriously, man, he's a great guy.

If you guys live in the L.A. area and you want to come up on a Saturday and train with him on a Sunday. He takes you right through his garage. He's got the match right there. Really? Fuck, yeah, man. He's a neat guy. He doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, likes death metal.

you know he's a true nerd you know you know he's only supposed to teach from 1230 to 1 30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays he stays till 3 he rolls with you he you know and for a fat guy man we have these doubts you know I always have fucking every time but

I had to eat up my fucking stupidity and I tell you I know I could do this till I'm 70 you know I want to live to see mercy be 70 I want to to at least be 20 to have a direction you know i don't want her to and this is the only way i think i'll keep my heart going and my legs and my joints and my flexibility i'm not i was still thinking about the stuff i learned on sunday i'm not going to be able to do that to people but it's not that it's seeing

people at the 70s still do this we could buy ourselves an extra fucking 20 years you know and listen man i i'm ashamed as fuck i'm so ashamed that i have to uh like i i breathe i go crazy so what i do is whenever I go to J-Jit-so, I go 20 minutes early. And when there's nobody there, I run around, and I do hip escapes, and I do spider things on the wall so I can breathe, and I can hyperventilate before everybody gets there. When I go work out, like the other day, I was doing the kettlebells in the morning, and I was still sore from Sunday, and I went in there on fucking Monday morning,

and by the third set of Swainsley, I get like the skunk sweat. Okay. It's two sets. It's 20 minutes. It's like eight minutes of uncomfortability. where I have doubts with my life and I have to keep going to the island of serenity. It's like the sweat and it hits all over my body.

Sometimes you just sweat out of your head. Sometimes you sweat out of your armpits. This is a sweat that I could feel the sweat in the back of my knees. It's fear sweat. Okay. You know, because my body goes into fear that something's happening. You know, I'm 300 fucking pounds. I'm moving 300 fucking pounds.

If you pick up two things, the cat liver, that's 70 pounds. Walk around with that. You're like, God damn. plus your weight i'm walking around with three hundred i'm going in there not sometimes i don't get uh... i don't get i get discouraged because i'm not learning the moves fast enough my fucking hip escapes now are greatly i couldn't do and now i can hip escape i'm using this and you know i keep getting these emails

people saying you look a lot better you you seem more confident every time i walk into that jiu jitza when i walk out i feel a lot better about myself i don't even give a fuck if i get choked out I don't even worry about that. If I do one thing right in class, and if I learn one thing, and if my shirt, I have a gray shirt I wear,

which is ripped, I got to get a new one, a Nike shirt sleeveless underneath because I don't fit in a fucking rash guard. It was so tight, I couldn't breathe as it is. So it's so weird how, if I don't see sweat

all the way down to my fucking belly button, like, that shirt is covered. I got to take that motherfucker off and throw in the bag and hang it up before I put it in the hamper. Like, that's what I go. the jitzu for it because I know I get that real man sweat that

that fucking that wrestler sweat that wrestler sweat fucking is that's the shit you can smell the bacon you smell the meatloaf you smell the mashed potatoes and the french fries anyway I want to thank John Evan and I'm definitely serious

if you want a good cheap trainer and you live in the L.A. in the valley he's a great guy man he knows you know I went to a couple personal guys for jihitsu and they were teaching me a few moves. They were beat me up and I was going home. Not with John Evan.

With John Evan, you talk for a little while, he makes you raise your heartbeat. He makes you do a lot of warm-ups, a lot of drills. I was like, Jesus fucking Christ, John Evan. I got to go out of playing in three hours. He didn't give a fuck. Then he teaches you something, and he drills it 80 fucking times from three different situations,

and this is what's going to happen. And by that time, you're dying. And he's like, no, let's do this side. Now you do that side. And then he has you roll with him a little bit, and he lets you know. So by the time you get out of it, it's a, you know, most people do an hour on the dot. With him, it's an hour and a half of him while you're walking to your car, you're thinking about shooting yourself. You're like, I can't feel that work, you know, he works you.

I've been to other guys that little Goggy Lally, they don't want to lose you. A lot of personal trainers don't want to lose you. So they don't push you. They want. John Evans, like, if you can't take this, don't come back. You know, and it's good. because he's your friend. He's telling you that this is,

and he doesn't, he's not really working. I was just in that bad of shape. All he was making me do was do like hip escapes, jumping jacks, and then do some other drills, but the one that was killing me was getting up. Getting up, Lee. Yeah, I mean, it's a hard. From your back, he would make me rock,

and then he did it. He goes, no, no, no, let's do this. So I met with him for like six weeks in a row. I'm like Wednesday mornings, and he would make me just get to one knee, one knee. up to two knees, then three knees. Then he's like, all right, do both sides three times.

That killed me, Lee. I'm 50 years old. I ain't know anybody on the air. Now I get through 10 times on each side. But when I started with him, Lee, I couldn't even get up. I couldn't even get up, Lee. 51 years old, 50-year-old man. Can't fucking get up.

Some Puerto Ricans ticking me. Now at least I know how to get up. I can get up and drop on one. So it's a little things, guys. I hate the harp on this. Anyway, we're talking about health. Onet.com for all. your health needs. They've been pushing me through this

with the shroom tech. When I broke my toe, the fucking the strong bone, you know, sometimes I'm sharper than others because even though I smoke rea for any chocolate bars in the morning, I pop a couple of those fucking alpha brains. You've got no reason. You got no excuses to go to Honda, okay?

No excuses whatsoever. Audit.com. They got the fucking, you get the stuff at the beginning of the month. You could register in today. No, Friday's the last day to register for Robbie Lawler against Fidel in Dallas and the Mike Dolce. You get to jump up and down with Mike Doche. Go to honit.com,

register for the sweepstakes also while you're there. Get some shrewd tech. Take a look at the new stuff they got, the new green minerals. You want a kettlebell. Get a kettlebell. Listen, I went over to Sports 5, whatever, the Big 5. I got a kettlebell cheaper at Honit than I did at the Sports 5. They wanted

to charge me $75 dollars for a 35 pound barbell. For 75 hours, I got a 45 pound barbell on it. I don't know what the shipping is. So I'm telling you right now, you could save money Do me that favor. I wouldn't put you in something that you weren't going to save you money. Go to Joey Deers.net. Go to Leonid, Boxing Press. Church. Church, C-H-U-R-C-H. That's how we do with your bitches. Get yourself. Get yourself. Get healthy. Be a fucking friend to yourself.

Start with On it today. Even if you just got to walk around the fucking corner. I don't give a fuck what you got to do. Like Doche say, touch the fucking mailbox. I didn't go to acupuncture yesterday because I got caught up doing other shit. I was looking at my ankles today. They're fucking nice and skinny because I work the circulation. You want fresh blood. Hang your legs up from time to time. Like I did with you in that office that day.

Remember I holding my legs up? We were sitting in here. The next day I felt like a fucking new man. All the blood goes out of your leg. That blood goes through your heart. It gets pump. Bab boom, bab boom, bab boom, bab boom. Trust me, go to fucking honor.com and cut the shit.

Also, you want to look sharp. You want to feel sharp. Fucking Dollar Shave Club. Why are you fucking around? Cuckuckers. Go to Dollar Shave Club. You get your monthly package. $1, $6, $9.

Let's pretend you go with the $6. dollar package that's 72 dollars a fucking year you get a pack for four raises every month let's say you use one every eight days you keep a razor in case there's an earthquake or a flood so while you're under in that fucking nazi bunker you can fucking shave your face and your cullo and your asshole they also got at medleys they got cocoa butter the shave stuff you put it on your face you shave it makes your skin feel nice look my scars are even going away from picking my face when i was doing blow all those fucking ears number three they got ass wipes they make the ass smell like a fucking tick Who's better than you?

You show up at the Chinese girl's house and your ass already smells like a tic-tac. She's going to ask you, you have a tic-tac in your asshole? Fuck no, bitch. Lick that muffler. It's Wednesday, cocksucker. Get on it.

Go. Look at it. See? I'm throwing a fucking pun at you. Anyway, go to Dollar Shave Club. Go to Joey Deers. Dot net. Go to Dollar Shave Club.

Press in church and get your fucking deal. $1, $6, and $9. Why go to fucking some pharmacy and stand there like a mom-mo behind a bunch of people, playing lottery tickets while you just want to get your fucking razor and go why walk around and shave yourself with a rusty razor and then you got rust on your face and you look like fucking iron man or some shit you don't need the aggravation go to dollar shave club go to joeydeers

dot neck get some tour date see when uncle joey's coming into your neighborhood bang you you fucking get the the box in your press church church church ch-u-r-c-h-h dollar shave who's better than you who's better than you once the last time you went to the fucking ten Temple Lee. To Temple? Fuck, I have no idea. Probably before I moved here. It's time to make a comeback, Doc, sucker.

Oh, I can't do it. It's starting to look like one of these fucking Gentiles. Let me get a water here. I got the truck with boys kicking in and you want to hold me back like Fidel. How many waters we got left? I don't know, 80. I got another fucking couple cases. This is better than drinking diet soda in the morning.

I'm off the soda. Really? Yeah. Tea, water, little cranberry juice with club soda. I'm gonna try to do the use of green tea is good I need to find something that isn't too strong but I need the caffeine in the morning you do? Yeah. It's fucking I wake up at 5 in the morning

to get here, do it stuff. I bought a cup of coffee with a lot of fucking I can't do coffee. I can't do coffee. Why not? I couldn't go coffee a few years either. But that's the whole point why am I gonna... You see all these mom-moes at Starbucks spending five bucks a cup but if I go three, four times a day I'm spending 20 bucks a day on coffee. Who's doing that? A lot of people. Well, you're not a lot of people. You'll at the motherfucking flying juice.

So if I find something I like, yeah. You use one cup of coffee in the morning. We'll get you a nice cruppy machine. You put the pop in. Bam, that makes green tea too. You put ice cubes in it. I'm not exactly good at moderation, so I'm worried if I get myself to like it,

I'll start drinking 72 cups. What do? Do you drink 18 milkshakes a day? If I had a blender at my house, yeah. If I had a milkshake machine. How good a fucking milkshakes? What's your favorite? black and white

thin or thick I like thick I don't mind thick I uh and it's dead's different than chocolate it's not chocolate ice cream it's vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup

let's say you made it thick would you put a little black and white milkshake on your girlfriend's monkey and like it would you have a little ice cream like a pussy alla mode fuck yeah

it would oh look at your face is getting red look like that Yamaka Spence you need to get me one of those looking at a yamaama going on a little thing. I had Ari robbed me one from his family reunion.

I told him to rob me one because you don't want a new yarmicca. You don't want one. You just take it. Yeah, you clip it for some lot. They make 8,000 of them. Yeah, but you clip it. You don't want a new yarmica.

You want it stolen. That brings good luck. A stolen yamaka, you go to the track, you'll definitely hit a daily double. I've done it before. You go in there as a Jew. When does that start? When is Santa Anita?

Got to go online. They got opening day. Fucking tremendous. I went last year. No. Yeah, you were saying. I went with Mercy for her birthday. I don't know where Mercy was born

Like a week after Mercy was born We were at the track With a fucking hilarious Fucking hilarious We were having a great time out of the sunshine And I like the track Yeah Listen it's gonna rain this motherfucker

You see these Gentiles You all got cups outside their windows and shit Oh really? These fucking white people They can't live without a drought dog You gotta see what we're living through out here These Republicans They're fucking worried about the drought list

I'll take a two hour shower shower I don't give a fuck Do you want to hear the funniest thing in the world? Go ahead My mom called me about two weeks ago. I told you. And she said, I heard on the news that there's a drought. So when you move, every time we go to the store,

get a gallon of water. Just keep it in your house. You never know what's going to happen. No, I do. You always got to keep watering you. But every time you go to the store. Every time. Jesus.

I tell my wife every time she goes to the store to get mayonnaise, to get tuna. I tell her to stock up on the tuna because you never get enough tuna. There's an earthquake. There's an earthquake. You ain't got none. You're sitting there like a fucking struits. for eight days. I got fire.

I can make some steaks. You know, I got a grill. How much water you have at your house? I got tons of water. I mean, maybe I should, I just... I probably got five cases of water. Yeah? Bottle water.

I got those gallons. I always time to bring me an extra one. There's an extra one stashed in my closet. Jesus. Just in case. You got to wash your pussy if there's an earthquake. Do you have an earthquake kit? I got everything.

Do you really? My mom told me to do that. I got a generator, a fucking, not even a gas power generator. I got the real fucking deal. deal with a, I think, I don't know, six-day fucking battery. I got nervous one day. I looked into it and I said, fuck it. Especially now with mercy.

I got no time to fucking around. Me, I'm a savage. You give me a knife like Ramba. I'll come back with a deer. That's true, yeah. But fucking the poor baby, what's she going to do? She can't live without her electricity. You know, at least I can sleep now with the sleep without the sleep at me.

That's why I also started going to Jitza and overcome that fear. So there was also different variables on why I was doing this shit. So that's the beauty. I didn't even get shit. Shoutouts to motherfuckers. Let me give some great shoutouts. Greg and Lynn Powers. I can't love you more. They sent me a sweatshirt with Elrollo Club, the name of my mother's barn. My name on the gray one year. I love these guys. He's got a hot little Asian girlfriend. He must tie her up and rub fucking twice-cooked pork on a fucking little monkey. How about my man Christian Stevens, Ruben Garibay, Kurtz, Papabano. Javis Zeta, Zera. I don't know what the fuck country you're from, but I like it. Varella. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Paco, Prishadado, Will Thompson, and Daniel Hudson.

I love you, motherfuckers. Don't forget I'll be at Laughboston this week. Tomorrow, Friday, and Saturday, five motherfucking shows, 8 and 10. Go to Laughboston.com. Next week, I'll be at the fucking stress factory. You know, by the way, I didn't forget nobody. By the way, guess what I ate last night?

What do you eat? Yesterday. I went home, and my wife didn't have granola, and I had that black and white granola from nature's box. Guys, a little bit of vanilla yogurt, a banana, some raspberries, or whatever fruits and season by your house. Let me tell you something. That fresh banana adds the whole patois to it with the granola.

And when I lived in Boulder, I used to go to the harvest house. Not the harvest house. I forget what the fuck. It was a vegetarian place. And they had this iced tea that would make your hair stick up. Do you know when they took that, when they switched iced teas one time, the city got a petition

I don't have to bring the iced tea back It was a cinnamon, spicy tea That made your fucking hair stand up With lemon, good, googlymore A glass of water I was in the halfway house I went there every morning for breakfast Then I ran

Bold the track That's why I started getting shin splints and shit And that's why I started getting Bricitis in my heel Because I was in the halfway house I used to do that But they used to have a Swiss granola It was vanilla

vanilla yogurt Gronola Strawberries blueberries raspberries every type of fruit. You let the yogurt melt a little bit, and you mix that motherfucker in. You eat with two pieces of whole wheat.

Toast. Tell me that, though. You dig, it's hard for a long time. I've been doing that again for about the last month. It's just in the afternoon. Just to get my fruit fill. You know, if you want to lose weight, Weight Watcher says you got to eat fruit seven times a fucking day.

So that's an apple here or banana here. That's, you know, a fruit box here. And so I take that and I fucking mix it. I didn't have the granola. I tried the white and black granola from Nature's Box. That's what I'm trying to say to you people. Go to Nature's Box. I read the calorie count towards the one I had, the protein.

Nature's Box fucking hands down. I don't know the numbers right now. I can't spit them the fuck out. But what I'm trying to say is Nature's Box. Go to the box on my page, Joey Dears.com. Pressing in the fucking Nature's Box. Pressing. Joey.

Get nutritionist approved. Nutritionist approved. healthy snacks mailed right to your goddamn house. Again, I'm trying to fucking save you drama. You know I'm the king of no goddamn drama. Go to Nature's Box, press in and get 50% off your first order and gets delivered right to your house. Suggestions, the sesame sticks, the rice sticks.

Everything bagel sticks. The bagel sticks, the fucking chocolate almonds, you stick one up, your girlfriend's monkey and your finger banger. It'll pop right out. Do that, Lee? I have. You put the almond right up a little patois and you rub that little fucking clinton

and just pops out in your mouth like a and makes that little noise it goes right in your mouth your mouth, you know, I'm saying? Who's better than you needily? You know what I'm saying? Nature's box, that's who. Get 50% off, cut this shit, press the word Joey in the box, all right?

And we got nailed it life. I love these fucking guys. I'm going to call them today because I've got to get like 10 of these fucking pens. I'm going to have like a raffle at the next church live or something like that and take care of these guys, but they got a good product. They got the best baby pen in the fucking market. I have one around here somewhere. I just got to learn

how to load it and the whole stuff. They usually come down to L.A. that deliver fucking those goomies or monos. Those are the strongest gomies on the fucking plant. 250 milligrams. It don't get no fucking better. How many in edibles again, Lee? What do you mean? You never stopped. Yes, I did. I stopped for 30 days.

Yes, I did. I stopped in January. You weren't fucking paying attention. You don't pay attention to your uncle Joey Coxuck. That's what it is. busy, calamarating, do a podcast. I'm calmerating. Oh yeah. It's a... God, fucking the edibles.

You love them. I don't... Okay, I like them. I don't like the way you do, because every time we go to the friggin' nice house, you give me one offstage and one on stage, and the one offstage, or just one of them would have been fine. You should be eating one every fucking day, okay?

I'm happy to get the office, Lee. I'm happy you're part of this. I'm happy I hung this thing behind me, too. This is a fucked-up picture here. I don't know if people could see it, right? Yeah. This picture right here is me when I'm 13 years old, in Carmine Balzano's house in Montauk, New York.

That was after Anthony died. Now look at that picture, and I get sad because that face is an innocent fucking face. I don't even have the wines up my face yet. The lines came the week after my mother died. So it's just really weird that I used to look at that picture every morning. That was when I was just an innocent fucking kid. I got another picture of there,

and I got a picture of Carmine Balzano with all. those kids at his house. It's a little collars that this girl Kate did for me years ago. She got a Cuban flag. She got Charles Cortwell I used to hang out on. And it's just she did this for me when I look at steak and eggs. She don't like steak and eggs.

This is my house. 3515 given out of terrace. It was just a really weird thing she did. And I had it for years. And I had it right by the Outlawed Josie Wales picture. Next week we'll bring a longest yard picture in here. I brought a mechanic post.

do which Lee's going to hang up this weekend while I'm gone after he moves into his house cocksucker and that's it guys I love you thank you very much for being a part of the church I ordered the shirts we should have him up in about two weeks with the cups and the patches I love you guys with all my heart thank you for supporting us on all our venues I'll see half you motherfuckers in Boston uh have a great day wash your pussy wash your ass be a fucking man and get out there stab a motherfucker. Lee, what's the story? Everything I write.

On the flight of Austin, you should watch Hulu Plus. That's right. I am going to watch Hulu Plus. She got me the thing. She hooked it up last night. How did you know? I don't know. How the fuck did you know, Lee? Lee, you're a psyched. I love Lee.

I didn't forget about Hulu Plus. I was going to mention Hulu Plus in time here. We're talking about here. She hooked it up. I finally got the... What did she get me? Oh, the notebook? The notebook, and she hooked it all up for me last night.

We went to MET. And she sent it all up for me. She hooked up the code. Hulu Plus. She showed me the movies. I mean, it was fucking, I can't wait. I'm gonna fly now in style. I upgraded already. I got to the fucking notification this morning on first class.

I would love to fly first class. Dog, you know what? I get ripped off on every, like some flights I get them and some flights I don't. I'm pretty high up with this airline, so it's Wednesday. That's why I did a red eye on Wednesday. Stupid. You understand me? Do you understand how junk, what Joey does? If you want to leave at seven,

I'm not going to get a red eye, because there's a lot more people have the numbers higher than I do. They're business people. Do you follow me? So I take an off flight. I don't really perform until fucking Wednesday, Thursday night. So what do I give a fuck? Yeah.

So I'm going to get Hulu Plus. They got documentaries on and everything. Go to HuluPlus.com. Go to Joey Dears. Go to Hulu Plus box and press in. Joey. There you go. J-O-E-Y.

Or just go to HuluPus.com. But they're going to give you seven days for free. And then it's $8.99 a month. That's $7.99 a month. I'm giving you two weeks for free. You're not going to get that on the fucking webpage. So do me a favor. Right now, stop fucking around.

See, we had it on the TV. Now my wife showed me how to do on the pad, and I'm blowing the fuck away. She says people do it on the phone. Yeah. That there's retards that sit there at work on Hulu Plus. I don't care if you're one of those retards. Go to Hulu Plus.

If you're going to do it, at least use my code. That's all I ask of you. Hulu Plus, either go to Hulu Plus, pressing the code. Joey. And get you two weeks for free. Two weeks. You can watch whatever the fuck is on.

there. You could binge on shows. You can do whatever to watch. How do you binge on shows? This isn't what you do. You get some New York Superfund Chuck. You get a big bag of dope. You get a bong. You put some ice cubes in that motherfucker. You make sure the light is full. You get a couple waters, some coax, and you sit there until your ass fucking grows

a treat. You understand me? You sit there until you fart on yourself. You get peanuts on your shirt. You just keep watching shows. They got great shows. What are the shows you can binge on? They got Brooklyn 9-9. Oh, yeah. You catch up. So it's a great way to watch television. Okay, stop fucking kidding yourself.

Get two weeks for free, $7.99 a month. I'm fucking done. I don't want to tell you this shit no more. I don't want to say this shit no more because you people fucking slipping cocks up. You should have done this six months ago. All of you should have Hulu. You should have clean faces.

You should all be fucking healthy. You should have good snacks. You should have good fucking snacks and you should have a good vaporizer. That's how I roll. I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great week. We'll be back Monday morning, March, whatever the fuck of it is,

third. March 3rd already. Jesus. Get ready to rock. We love you. Have a great weekend. What's the goodbye show? You never picked it.

Fuck. I was just going to play 10 crack commitments again. Go ahead. Play a little 10 crack. And then go to Leeside.com for all the podcasts. I do. This show, now that the podcast is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of HuluPlus.

Go to Huluplus.com slash Joey. That's Huluplus.com. You can binge on all your favorite shows. This show is also brought to you by Dollar ShaveClub.com. Get high quality raises into your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. go to dollshaveclub.com slash church. That's doll shaveclub.com slash church.

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Why? Man, can't tell me nothing about this court. Can't tell me nothing about this crack, this weed, my hustler, niggas. Liggas on the corner, I ain't forget you, niggas. My triple B niggas, I've been in this game for years. your animals, rules to the shit. I wrote me a manual, step by step, booklet for you to get your game on track, not your wig pushback, rule number uno.

Never let no one know how much dough you hold, because you know, the treader breed, jealousy, especially if that man fucked up, get your ass stuck up. Number two, never let him know your next move. Don't you know bad boys move in silence and violence taken from your highness? Uh-huh. I don't squeeze mad clips at these cats for they brick. Number three, never trust nobody. Your mom's a set that ass up properly gassed up.

Hoodie, the masked up. For that fast buck, see me laying in the bushes to light that ass up. Number four, know you heard this before, never get an eye on your own supply. Number five, never sell no crack where you rest at. I don't care if they want an ounce, tell them bounce. Number six, that goddamn credit, get it.

You think a crackhead paying your back, shit, forget it. Seven, this rule is. This rule is so underrated Keep your family and business completely separated Money and blood don't mix like two dicks and no bitch Find yourself in serious shit Number eight Never keep no weight on you

Them cats that squeeze your guns can hold jumps too Number nine should have been number one to me If you ain't getting back stay the fuck from police If niggas think you snitching they ain't trying listen They be sitting in your kitchen Waiting the star hit the number 10 A strong word called Cawin' Simon Striply for live men, not for freshmen

If you ain't got the clientele, say hell no Cause they gonna want their money, rain sleet, hell snow Follow these rules, you have mad bread to break up If not, 24 years on the wake up Slug hit your temple, watch your frame shake up, Caretaker did your make up? When you pass, your girl, fuck my man Jacob. Heard in three weeks she sniffed the whole half a cake up.

Hersey suck a good dick and can hook a steak up. Gotta go, gotta go, more pies to bake up. Word up, uh, crack king, Frank, what's up? Uh, uh, one, two,