The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #154 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: April 13, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT..... It's Wednesday, April 13th.... This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by Bluechew, CBD Lion & Relief Band.…. Go to https://www.BlueChew.com Promo Code: JOEY & Try For Free! Just $5 for Shipping! Go to https://www.ReliefBand.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY for 20% OFF, Free Shipping & a 30 Day Money Back Guarantee. Go to https://www.cbdlion.com Use Promo Code: JOEY For 20% OFF Your Order! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

This podcast is brought to you by Onit. Go to Onit.com and look at the great selection of supplements. If you find something you like, press in code Joey and get 10% off delivered right to your house. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? Sorry about Monday, but it's Wednesday. The joint is brought to you by. Who do you think on a Wednesday morning? Blue Chew!

Listen, if April showers bring May flowers, it's time to plant your seed and give you a A nice white stabbing type of shower. Blue Chew is tremendous. No drama. They taste great. You can pop them any time any day. And you're saying, but Uncle Joey, you're a fucking old goat. My hammer of death is still working.

Yeah, but guess what? You want it to work 110%. You want to go in there and rip shit up. You understand me? You want her to call you and say, no mask. I can't take it. You destroyed it. The process is simple.

You sign up at bluechew.com. and you talk to one of the licensed medical providers. Once you're approved, you'll receive your prescription within days. The best part is it's all online. No doctor's office, no pharmacy, no fucking judgment. It ships right to your door in a discrete package. Bluetooth tablets are made in the USA, and they're way cheaper than the pharmacy.

So if you can benefit from a little extra confidence, if you know what, that's what they want to call it. I call it showing up there with a bat, That's going to hit a fucking grand slam. So if you can perform like that, don't you want to be with Blue Choo? So do your favor. Blue Choo can help you out. It'll make you a fucking stabbing.

It comes in a little package. You can put it in your wallet. And it don't matter. You can take it anywhere anytime on an empty stomach. You'll be fucking rocking and rolling within 30 minutes hitting yourself on the head. Ah! So do yourself a favor. Go to bluechoo.com right now.

Try Bluechoo for free. How fucking good? Who shows up with a fucking hard on on a Wednesday? Uncle Joey does at fucking 7 in the morning. So go try Bluetooth for free when you use promo code Joey, J-O-E-Y and checkout. Just pay $5 for shipping. I'm hooking you up today.

That's bluechew.com promo code Joey to receive your first month free. Bluechoo.com for more details and important safety information. And I want to thank Bluetooth. for sponsoring the podcast. The joint is also brought to you by Relief Band. Listen, a lot of people got plenty of be anxious about. So when Uncle Joey

says relief ban helps me with my anxiety, you know it's the real deal. Relief Band has been clinically proven to quickly relieve and prevent anxiety-induced nausea. Guess what I did this weekend. I got sick, but towards the end of the second day,

I charged up my relief band and it got me through the nausea. It's like the name says. It's a ban you wear on your wrist to give you relief from nausea caused by anxiety, hangovers, car sickness. You change the intensity, depending on how you're feeling to make it stronger or weaker. Listen, I don't know if you got anxiety, but this could help out your uncle, your aunt, maybe grandma, grandpa. Relief ban is 100% drug-free, non-drowsy, and provides long-lasting relief with zero side effects.

and they just relief the release the relief band sport. It's waterproof, has an extended battery life, and attaches to your Apple Android watch. Make Relief Band a great gift any time of the year. Like I said, you got an aunt, an uncle. I'm going to save you 20%. If you go to ReliefBand.com and use promo code Joey, I'm going to save you 20% and free shipping with no questions asked.

Return. How's that? Who takes care of you like Uncle Joey? on a Wednesday. Nobody and they got a 30 day money back guarantee. Listen, when I got the watch of it was for my surgery and it was two years ago, it's still ticking and I still use it. If you got anxiety, a little nausea when you fly, this is the way to go. Relief ban, R-E-L-I-E-F, B-N-D dot com. Use promo code Joey for 20% off and free shipping. The joiner is also brought to you by the best.

B.D. Lion. Last week, I had a little twitch in my shoulder. You ever been standing there? And you got a little muscle twitch in your shoulders sometimes. I'm working out. I put that little C. C.B.D. Lion. Tape on my shoulder.

Nothing. Brand new. Sometimes at night, I can't roll over on my shoulders. Because my shoulders just hurt at night. I put a little piece of tape on it. I'm doing spitterettes on my fucking shoulder. Listen to me, CBD Lion. As far as I'm concerned is the best.

help you a little anxiety helps with inflammation which is the cause that's destroying you and slowing you to fuck down every time you drink milk eat sugar all that shit CBD lion has gummies medicated gummies or melatonin you know bath balls

the cream the tinctia the chocolate it's just they never end that everything is 100% everything is solid even this delta 8th they got the gummies who fucking grow hair on your chin I ate some of them last night

I woke up all fucked up this morning So do yourself a favor When you're thinking about CBD Go to CBDline.com And press in code Joey Joint or church And get 20% off your order Let's get this fucking party starving

What's happened? You bad motherfuckers, we're back It's a beautiful day to be alive Wednesday, April The fucking 13th I'm sorry about Monday Listen guys let's talk about this shit

you know for the last and I don't want to bring it up but I got them and now they're doing it again for the last two years all you hear about is fucking you know

how you're going to get this how you're going to die how it's going to go on your chest you're going to have to say goodbye to your loved ones on Facebook you know I'm still waiting for the pilot that dying on Facebook 100 people

thousand people died nobody saved the video of their uncle going I can't take it no more whatever let's put them together let's do a fucking movie We had a movie theater. Everybody's looking for the next big fucking idea.

I've been waiting for dying on Facebook for two fucking years. Nobody's put this fucking film together. Please, people, it's over. You've mourned them already. Take the footage of them dying with a tube in their nose. Let's put the film together. Let's get a big bag of popcorn. Everybody's crying.

You know what I'm saying? COVID's going to fucking kill you. But in that whole fucking time, they say, who got's about the fucking stomach flu that's going around. Where was this stomach flu invented? In a fucking back cave, Also, Jesus Christ, listen, I had COVID. Granted, I had the gay variation to fucking Omnicom, whatever the fucking is.

Omnicron. He didn't show up with a full fucking set of bullets, you know what I'm saying? He showed up with like two bullets. You got a headache and a fucking stuff he knows. Get your shit together. That's the one I got. I got the little fucking, you know, I got the Peter, like the, what's the worst apostle? I don't even know anymore, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, like, I don't know, Peter, Lucas, whatever, the rat, you know. fucking, this stomach flu I had last week would fuck the fucking COVID up. It would fuck it up. It was nothing. Guys, it was nothing. COVID got nothing on the fucking stomach flu. Nothing. I saw my wife, bro, I was talking to my wife.

And all of a sudden, you know, she comes back like somebody hitting the head with a bottle of gin. She's American Indian. So you never know what these motherfuckers. She's fucking, you know, looking around. I go, what's the matter? She goes, I don't know, Joey, I don't feel good. My wife has that. We're getting older. I can go lay down?

Fuck, when I come back, I took mercy to the school chick-fil-A fucking reunion. I love Chick-de-Lay. Whenever they have those nights where if you go and spend and donate to the school, I call people. Chick-fil-A is the hot joint today. And there was like three parents. We're talking shit. One of the moms ate a gummy tremendous. But I took her to Chick-fil-A.

When I got back, I brought a chick-fil-a for my wife because that's what you do. And she's like, that's the last thing I want to see. She was in the shower, laying down. just puking in the shower, the poor thing in the bucket. And I'm like, what the fuck happened? She's telling me all this. And the next day she was out of commission. And, you know, me and my daughter had to do it out.

You know, I don't know if I talked about on the podcast. You know, now nobody wants to hear if you're fucking sick anymore. Everybody's been sick for fucking three years. Nobody wants to hear it no more. So I fucking, you know, Wednesday was just a fucking ho-hum day here. We fend for ourselves and, you know, we did little things. Thursday, she started feeling better. but the next thing, you know, my daughter's fucking ill.

Now we got her out of school. She's barfing. Dog, she was fine. She had a piece of ice cream, and it just fucking went out of her mouth tremendous. Down for the night. Didn't even say good night. So she didn't go to school Friday.

So I'm fine. You know, I'm looking at all this chaos in my house. People shitting. I'm smelling odors and shit. I mean, I felt really bad for my fucking wife because she was, you know, she was just fucking wiped out. I mean, it just wipes you to fuck out for some reason.

So Friday, I was like, fuck, you know, I'm feeling okay. And I did what I had to do. I had a few meetings. I had to do something for drafting. And the next thing you know, it was like in the afternoon. I'm like, something ain't fucking right here, you know? Just something didn't feel. You know what you don't feel right.

Wasn't my stomach. I didn't have diarrhea. I just wrote it off to Friday. You know how like Friday at 4 you're like, I feel a little rundown today. Like, that's how I was feeling. You know, okay. You know, no big fucking deal. So I don't know what we did Friday.

You know, I don't eat shit on Friday because there's no meat. So I probably had like an egg salad fucking sandwich. In fact, that's what I did have. I had an egg salad fucking sandwich. And, you know, nothing really crazy. I don't know what we were supposed to do or whatever. And guys, the next thing, you know, I'm like, you know what? I want to get up early Saturday.

I had a couple fucking things to do. And I took my little CVS gummies. They sell these over-the-county gummies. They sell these over-the-county gummies at CVS to help you sleep. Remember, I told you guys, I got to alternate everything. So some nights it's a fucking, some nights it's, you know, night quill without the quill. And some nights I do the gummies, some nights I do the CBD. Last night, I did the fucking D.C., whatever the fuck those things are.

I did the CBD line Delta 8. Guys, I'm still fucked up today. I ate them a little late because I had a little insomnia late night, but whoo, I was fucked up. So anyway, I hate these little grape gummies. No big deal. I eat them one night a week. I buy them twice a month, maybe once a month.

I eat like 10 of them. Regular people are supposed to eat two. And I ain't regular, so I eat fucking 10 of them because I want to sleep like a baby. And I got the grape flavor. Like it just tastes different, this grape, you know. So fucking, it's like 10 o'clock. I'm talking to my wife. It's like 9 o'clock.

And my wife goes, I'm going upstairs. You don't do what you need to do. I was just going to finish up some paperwork. And I ate these fucking gummies. I'm eating the gummies and it doesn't even dawn on me. And now I'm feeling it. I go upstairs. I go, fuck it, I'm going to go to this bed.

And I go upstairs. It's about 11 o'clock. I'm minding my own business. And next thing you fucking know, I got to barf. I got to barf again. I got to barf again. I got to barf again. I go, fuck it.

It's three in the morning. What am I going to do? I'm not going to sleep, obviously. There's a barfathon. I came down here, and I fucking watched some TV, but then I barked down here, and then one time I almost didn't make it. I had a puke, half a puke in the tub in the bucket.

And I was like, that's it. That's when my wife was barfing outside. And next thing, you know, I just ran upstairs, and I don't know what even to take, and I think I drank a little pepthal bismore, but it was fucking cold. My wife put it in a refrigerator. Why the fuckers in the refrigerator for?

I like a nice and warm, that pink little, shit when you're drinking knife of your stomach it takes those little pains away those little things and shit so i drank the fucking peptobismo and that settled it and i fell asleep and guys i woke up to this is exactly what i heard in my head hell is coming for breakfast it's a scene from fucking the outlaw josey wales when he shows up and he's got the gun in his hat and his hand with the white sheet on and he played a fake surrender you know how josie does it he don't surrender he play the fake fucking surrender. And that's on the old, no, the old man, Indian goes,

uh-oh, oh God, hell is coming for breakfast. And he just fucking mangles those fucking cock suckers. Anyway, that's what it was. Hell was coming for breakfast, Jack. All I remember was puking. One smooth move. It was a puk. And as I went down, I was pulling the back of my shorts down

so I could do the quick turnaround to hopefully land my asshole right in the middle. So the explosion from my asshole right in the middle. so the explosion from my diarrhea that's about to come out and that's exactly what happened I barped a little bit and I turned real quick and as I was pulling my shorts down

that little stream of black liquid was coming out mixed with chicken bones and bubble gum from the sixth grade and shit when that hit that fucking thing and I'm like oh thank God I made it and all of a sudden I'm like woo right like I got it

this is something out of a fucking movie guys I'm like ooh I got it I missed it because you don't want to you're sick you don't have to clean up up the boot. You have to wipe some shit down. Then when you get better, you go in there with the liceol on the fucking cleaner. Guys, and all of a sudden sitting there, I'm like, whoo, I made it. Bro. It was like the time I went to San Francisco, and I said, San Francisco's changed, and some guy walked at me with a big dick painted, see spray paint for himself all naked,

and I'm like, I spoke too quick. Same fucking thing. I was like, who, I made it. And all of sudden, I just felt it. Like, my eyes just opened, and I can see my wife. And I can see my wife. coming to check on me and I could I go terry get the book the bucket you know like the little garbage bucket and dog I got to be honest see and this is what the story ends she missed the bucket you know I missed up what am I saying she missed the bucket it's me puking I'm doing the pukin I miss the fucking two points but this was the fucking crazy thing like I put she put the bucket like by my chest level but when it came out guys the force they came out with it just went up and all I heard it was hit the tub that's four feet away guys at that point I

thought I was a fucking dead man and after that one was when my head started pounding because I was definitely dehydrated listen thank God again for liquid fucking IV thank fucking God that's why I got a little bit of water here you haven't heard it and I'm got my little bit of liquid IV because I'm still fucking recovering you know what I'm saying so that was it for me guys once I barred that I remember like I even helped her pick up the bathroom carpeting, the shower carpeting, the little fucking island that sits around the toilet that smells like 10 dead pisses because it's my piss that falls on there.

I can't hit it with the turtleneck sometimes. We just put it all in the hamper and she said, leave it there. I just wipe my face. I put an ice bag on my neck and I tried to lay down. There was no sleep. You sleep for 25 minutes and you got to go to the bathroom for 10. You sleep at 25, 10. And that was basically it till fucking Saturday.

That was all day. And then Saturday, you're just sitting here. Thank God for my fucking producer of the year who said, smoke a little. You know, when I get sick like that, smoking is the last thing I think. Believe it or not. Yeah, it really is. Guys, it really is. I can't, you know, you can't put marijuana on everything.

I cannot say, I cannot tell people that marijuana cures at all. I'm saying. I was having a conversation with a lay at the park. And she goes, do you think nice lady, her husband's a cop. And she goes,

do you think that marijuana and take? I'll tell you what, man. I'm not going to put this on a documentation, but I'll tell you what works for me.

There was a time 30 years ago, I had a fucking toothache so severe. There was two times. I remember. There was probably 20 years ago in Boulder when I was just

starting comedy, I was flat broke, and there was maybe a situation when I lived in Hollywood, one holiday. They broke and I had a toothache and the doctor couldn't see me until like the third of January

and I went those 10 days with no oxies, no nothing just straight up and I finally go let me try the reefer and I'm going to tell you something about marijuana with a toothache. This is for Uncle Joey if it takes you somewhere

it won't take care of the pain but somewhere another it gets your mind thinking so you actually forget about the pain. It's really interesting how marijuana works for pain. And then when you remember the pain, you visit it, you're like, oh, shit.

Was it the marijuana or was that I took my mind off the pain? It's a really interesting concept when you fucking think about what happened. And it works for me, guys. I'm not going to tell you know, do you think the marijuana helps my knee pain? No. You know what I'm saying? So I don't want you to say, well, fuck a joke. No.

And that's the same thing I say about CBD for some people. You know what, man? I love CBD line. It works for me. The fucking gummies work for me. The patch works. for me. I've been rubbing the cream into my knee. Guys,

I had another CBD line. You know me? I like to at least try. You know what I'm saying? Like, it just didn't work for me. But they had a gummy that I felt I was fucking... So you understand me? Everything hits you differently when you judge that stuff. For me, I didn't even think about marijuana that day

at all. I was feeling like I was going to die. And I was coughing. You know, obviously you could tell I got some type of fucking lung thing going on. So I was like, I don't think of... And then I smoked and I'm like, Okay, the first two hits were a little rough. I'm not going to lie to you. But then like the fourth hit, I'm like, okay, now I could have chicken soup.

So I was like, fuck, I got to put a feather in Mikey's cap. Fucking chicken suit. Because I told Mike, I don't know about tomorrow because if I would have just got sick guys and that's it, you could write it off to something. You had a bad hot dog, you had a bad fruit. You know, there's a thousand things you can write it off to. But when three people in your house get it, it's pretty simple that it's a virus. It's contagious.

So we either had to cancel Monday or it hits you in two days. We all got clobbered within fucking 48 hours. So Mike wouldn't be here Wednesday. Somewhere or another, I was going to short you this week. So my apologies. The other situation is, you know what? It's Easter week. What the fuck?

You people are going to be traveling, fucking smoking dope, having a great fucking time with your family. So, you know, enjoy, cuckuckers. I know a lot of you like to listen to the podcast and stuff. We got some shit out We get some stuff worked out But it's not even about that It's Easter week

Enjoy your family Enjoy your fucking Surroundings East some fucking Hardballed eggs Fart on the plane On the way home On the bus

I love this time I'm gonna have a good time Sunday I don't know what I'm gonna do I'm not concerned with it yet What I am concerned I want to talk to you guys About something that came To my mind yesterday

I had to do something And had a specific time I had to be there Like the guy goes If you can be by 2 o'clock, you know, it would be great. But if it's a situation, I go, no, no, no, I'll be there at 2 o'clock. You know, and there's one of these stories for you guys that I haven't, I didn't remember this shit. But I thought about it at that time, and it was so helpful to me, you know.

When I first got the longest yard, it was when I shot the movie, it was March of, I think I started shooting a movie in May of 2000. And, you know, I didn't think anything other guys. I just got the movie. I went to wherever the fuck, Santa Fe, New Mexico, and I shot the movie. And I was there for about six weeks, and then I came home, and my agent said to me, you know, do you know how long you're going to be home for? And I go, yeah, I'm going to be home for. And we're shooting to November or December.

It doesn't really matter. We're talking about August now. I'm not thinking about the future. My agent says to me There's a couple companies that want to meet with you I got you like 20 fucking meetings So shoot me your schedule And I'll book the meetings around

Your uh Your movies or what are your stand-up You know so no problem I shoot him the schedule And a couple days later I go to Jerry's deli In the Valley Just to write or something like that

And I see an agent up there Was I tight with the agent, not really. I knew him from being out and he knew me. You don't know how a little goodbye basis. I was just thinking about the story and the mentality, just to let you guys know. So we're sitting at the table, I don't know. He comes over to my table and we start talking. He goes, do you mind if I sit, I'm meeting one of my other clients there? And I go, no problem. And the client walks in. He's a friend of mine, you know, like I know him from the comedy scene. It's not like we jump up and down together. But he's sitting there. This guy's.

a pretty popular comic at the time you know he wasn't a star by any means but the star was rising funny guy you know like I said I didn't run with him in general circles and that was the client he was meeting so we all sat together and you know one thing

came up to the other blah blah blah and when the guy saw me he was trying to steal me you know what I'm saying like he was trying to impress me or something I didn't know why I was pretty happy where I was it wasn't like I was out I was just out trying to write jokes, and I wanted to get an egg cream, and maybe a bagel. That's the only reason you go to fucking jerrys.

They're closed now, and the food ended up sucking dick towards the end. It was just god-awful the last fucking five years. But that was 2004, and what they wanted to say to me was, listen, man, you're going to get busy. They were trying to, like, blow smoke in my ass, like Hollywood. I don't know if you guys are watching Winning Time on L.A. It's a show about the Lakers in 1980, how they started their run for the championship at Magic Johnson. fucking interesting as fuck that kid Riley

that he took that role as Dr. Jerry Buss if he doesn't win the actor of the year for this role I'm fucking done watching TV and I'm not even a big fan of his I'm a fan of his work and I met him at Adam Sandler thing

I didn't really say much I didn't know what to talk with me I loved you in Boogie Nights but this guy for years I've heard how powerful an actor he is oh my God if you're not watching winning time on HB fucking oh it's

interesting. You know, Magic Johnson's fucking on the phone with his mother. And she's like, are you eating good? And you see him eating some fucking black chick. And then are you going to church? And he's banging another one, doggy style and shit. It's crazy. It's a great show. Very, very entertaining, especially if he knew it was going on at that time. And I lived on that. That was Magic versus Larry Bird. That was the beginning of the whole thing. But what my point is, I'm getting, because there's a scene in there where he has to go to a meeting to sell sneakers. And I got like, flag. This is what makes me talk about this story, about these meetings that you go to, they wait for you and they have like a mug with your name on it for you.

And they're like, Joey, we loved you. You know what I'm saying? And you sit there and you go, what the fuck do you want? Now, the meetings are in the morning. That means they're serious about this meetings. But if the meetings at 445, that means you're their last 15 minutes until they get the fuck out of it. And they'll tell you when they walk in. I don't have much time.

And you're like, well, I'm happy you're saying that because I just drove an hour when a fuck. can have and I had to do this to get to this fucking meeting you know so you bump into a lot of these meetings well hi how are you and dog you just go holy fuck how but how much do they pay you to act this way like hi oh my god we're so happy you're here we are so excited to work with you it's going to be an honor you know and you're like you fucking thief motherfuckers you know so that's why i'm thinking about this story because of winning time with the meetings. And what this guy and this comedian,

they were trying to lure me into that pen at the time. I don't know where that comedian is, and I don't even know where his agent is anymore. Those motherfuckers disappeared, and you're going to know what. And they were coaching me. Like, listen, bro, I take coaching from fucking stars, okay? If you want to fucking coach me,

like I'll sit and listen and give you the respect you deserve, but I don't even know you. And in L.A., there's a lot of those, type of fucking people that they, you know, just jump into your life, guys, and you're like, who the fucking you? I don't even know you. What are you talking about?

So they're telling me that, you know, when I start going to these meetings, I have to be late. They're like, you have to be late for these meetings. Always keep these assholes waiting. That's the mark of it. He goes, you're not a TV guy. You're in a fucking feature film. That means something nowadays. He goes, you've got to go to all the meetings.

When people invite you the meetings, you're always going to be late. whether they're social or whether they're going to be personal in business because you always want to give people an idea that you're so much more busy than they are and that your life is worth something and I'm like, my life ain't worse shit. I just did a fucking movie. They pull me in the movie, not because of my acting fucking range or anything,

because I'm the only 400 fucking fat fuck they can find. Let's be honest with us. I mean, you know what I'm saying? Even at that point, I'm like, what are these guys talking about? They're like, you always want to be late. Keep them waiting. I know, and they started naming all stars.

You have to wait a half hour for them. And they call the restaurant to make sure you're there. You know, like shit like that, guys, that, you know, I'm from Jersey. I'm a dirty Jersey guy. What the fuck don't know about fucking being late? If you're late, you're late. You know, I got hit by a fucking pigeon on the way here. You know, I hit a fucking deal.

Whatever the fuck happens to you. So they're telling me all this shit. And guys, I got to be honest with you at first, I was like, I don't know. You know, and I wasn't going to ask my man, Rogan, that's the dumbest fucking question. And right there I should have known. If it was too dumb to ask Joe, I shouldn't fucking ask the fucking question.

You know what I'm saying? And I knew it was too dumb to ask Joe. So right away, I got put on a fucking couple meetings and shit. I had signed with this Arabian manager, sweetheart of a guy. I don't even know what happened to him. He came to me like five years ago. I'm like, how you doing?

He goes, you remember me? I'm like, not really. He changed completely this guy. He signed me. He was like a hot up-and-coming manager. and he was looking for a guy that read scripts and he was looking, he wasn't looking for me at the time.

He was looking for the comic I became, but at the time in 2004, I wasn't that comic, you know, not by a long shot, I wasn't that comic. So we lasted about three months, and he was an aggressive fucking dude. I had forgotten all about that. I worked with this guy, and you want me to tell you,

what the interesting thing was when I worked in 2004, Let me see. I came home from shooting a movie, maybe in August of 2004, and I worked at this guy until maybe March or April of 2005, right before the movie was released. He had another client that was in a TV show at a time, and the client was going to go abroad somewhere, and the client wanted him to go with him. And I remember we were talking about this for weeks. I had a mutual friend with the client. He's not even in business no more. And he was saying that he wanted to go to this place with him because whatever. So I knew this was coming, but I didn't know it was going to affect my relationship with him. But he was his out.

He said he called me one day and he goes, I can't work with you anymore because I'm going to be out of town for the next eight months shooting this. If you want, I could find somebody. And I go, no, no, no, no. And at that time I knew we were over because I just wasn't ready for his. He was a manager that had real talent, you know, like they were together. I wasn't together. He was sending memos and shit to my house. He would send memos

like 10 a day. And I'm like, why are you sending these fucking memos every day? I don't want to see this shit. And, you know, he was just trying to teach me about the business, but I didn't want to learn. And he fucking got me, he had the guys, when I tell you

after the longest yard, how many fucking meetings I had, holy shit. And right now, looking back at you, I can only think of like three. of them. Like three, I never forgot the Tom Hanks meeting. I got a little meeting with Tom Hanks. I never forgot that. I bet you he did. Yeah. I had a meeting with this guy that was so fucking outlandish. He wanted to put movies up just for me alone and shit. And then it just got creepy. You know, he was going to put up a $2 million budget, but then about a month later, he called me to borrow $800. to go somewhere. Like it was, guys, it was, it was, you know,

I went into a funk after the longest yard was released, but leading up to the longest yard, this is my first big thing. So I was getting my feet wet, and it was, it was shit I couldn't fucking handle. So I started going, you know, he started this agent, manager that was really trying to help me

after I came home from the longest yard, sent me on a meeting one time at Fox, guys. And, you know, you guys hear stories about being buckwild. Guys, that shit hasn't happened in over 15 years. But until 2006, I had a little fucking flair to me. And, you know, I try to do my best, you know, but I tell you the honest truth on everything. I had this audition for a Fox pilot, right?

Fucking tremendous pilot. If anybody was made for that pilot, he was your uncle Joey. I read this pilot I studied this pilot I chopped it up you know somebody told me that they saw De Niro script for Scarface while they were shooting Scarface

and it looked like a fucking it looked like a mangled magazine from all the notes and pictures he takes pictures and hangs them in there and shit like that and that's what I wanted and I wanted a fucking I wanted a row where I could put all the shit I did so for some reason

under my cocaine this is the end of the cocaine tear I'm reading this fucking thing for a week preparing for this goddamn audition in and out in and out I wrote it out I wrote the fucking script out by hand I was a pretty good lead this would have been

it was three roommates and I was the outlandish one and two of them were divorced and I was the older one it was it fit like a fucking glove they told you all the info in this pilot but for some reason

under my cocaine paranoia mental state, I read it a different way. And that happens. That happens. You know, you don't read shit right when you're on fucking drugs. I read it as this guy's a fucking cokehead that lives with two fucking

roommates and he's like a, you know, and he never shaved, he was very gruff. All those characteristics of, you know, he was paranoid, he was always in a bad mood, he couldn't find a job. And I'm thinking to myself in my cocaine mind, what these guys aren't telling me that he's a cokehead.

So the audition was at 10 o'clock in the morning at Fox. What do you think your Uncle Joey did? He snorted cocaine till fucking 7.59 a.m. To prepare for the character. You understand me, nobody's perfect, guys. But at least you got to be able to share these stories of you motherfuckers. Guys, I walked in there three sheets to the wind. Coke in my nose.

I didn't know the Coke was in my nose. I sat down. There was four people there. There was like two women, two guys. There was a woman that was the Captain Kirk of the Enterprise. And she's like, fucking, you know, let's go over this. I did it like two times, guys. At the time, I thought I was Olivier.

But guys, I got to be honest to you. Just feeling, just thinking, this is one of my darkest secrets, I'm telling you. It was God awful. And I remember laying it out and feeling like those people that I used to see. Like, when I go auditions, I sit by the door to see where people, going to do. When they open the door and they tell people, thank you for coming. To look on their face, I always sit to myself,

I don't want that fucking look. I don't ever want that look that look. I know what that look is to look a fucking, should I shoot myself now or should I wait until I walk outside the building? That's that look. And once you see it, you're like, that motherfucker's going to shoot himself. I was, for years, I just sat there and watched people. And I fucking,

it's like when I sat with Rogan in first class and people walked past me, I yelled, get to the dungeon. I just tell, they'd walk past me and look at Me and Rogan, I go, get to the dungeon. And they go back there, like, row 29 fucking C in the bottom of the plane. I don't even know what I was talking about. So, fuck it.

What are we talking about here? Oh, the meeting. So I went in there, and I'm fucking two sheets to the wind, and I'm fucking doing these lines. Like, I'm fucking Olivier, and they're looking at me, guys. Like, I just murdered somebody. I think I even put a hole in my shirt, guys. It was not a good Joe Diaz at all. I did it twice and then what happened?

I did like two and they could tell. Anybody could tell I was fucking out of my mind. I can't say I was gacked up and I didn't snort until 8 o'clock but I didn't sleep. And, you know, it was one of those things where you just don't fucking sleep and go to an audition.

I remember going on an audition for a Travolta movie and seeing a fucking tremendous, I can't remember what his name is, This guy was a tremendous fucking actor. He had been on Miami Vice movies. He's in the movie Kiss of Death with Nicholas Cage at the time. We were both reading for different roles. Guys, I walked in on a Monday.

I had to fucking wake him up. Give him tissues to clean his nose. I had to bring fucking, I had to run and get coffee and juice for this guy. Peter, Peter, something. Italian guy, very good looking from Brooklyn. He was good dear friends with, like Tammy, Paskatelli and all those guys. I can't remember his name is Sweetheart of the guy.

And I had to clean him up. I mean, he's like, dog, I had a row. When I woke him up in the audition, he's like, you know, that look when you wake somebody up when they're all fucked up, he was like, am I okay, you're fine, dog, but you can't go into the audition like this. Come on. And I took him out, and I fucking took care of him.

I walked in there at the same part. But I swear to God, I had an incident when I was a kid where I got on a plane. I went to order a drink from the bar, because in the 80s, there were planes and bars that you could walk. and get a cocktail to stretch your fucking legs. And I remember I went up to the thing, and I was all fucked up. And I asked for a drink. And when the guy gave me the drink, I had a little Coke rock that was dangling on my nose.

And it was a black countertop. And the Coke rock just fell on the counter. And me and the fucking bartender just looked at each other. For like two minutes, we just looked at the rock and didn't say nothing. I was embarrassed as fuck. He couldn't believe a white little rock. And they had like a little snod around it. Perfect.

Perfect. Even a child could go, that looks like a Coke rock. Even if they didn't know about Coke, that was a Coke rock. And we just stared each other down. I thought he was going to call security. And next thing you know,

I just looked up. And I may believe, like, the chip fell off the fucking ceiling. You ever, like, in a place and a little piece of a paint falls on the table? And I looked at the ceiling, and I looked at the Coke rock and I walked away.

And the guy's like, you can't fucking calm me with that look. Guys, the point of the story is I went into that fucking meeting. and I could feel the cocaine liquid coming out of my nose. And after about four minutes, this lady goes, I need to have a word with you. And I thought she was going to ask the other people to leave the room.

No! In front of everybody. In front of everybody, she just, he didn't lay into me, but she did lay into me. And she said that, you know, she liked me, but that I came into that thing over-permed. and overstimulated. She's... And she's like, I don't know.

I don't know what caused this stimulation today, but this is not an audition for the books and shit. And I was like, well, what do you want? I mean, guys, I was out of it. I was a year away from quitting cocaine. I mean, obviously, by the... You could tell by this story

that, you know, after you go through one of these, you can't keep doing this shit or they just won't work you. And, guys, I caught myself. I did catch myself, you know? it's always meant the fucking world to me that shortly after that you know and I think after that was Boilermaker when they said

the word got out that you're a Coke fiend and shit you know that's a tough fucking thing to knock down and I sent her card in a letter a couple weeks later and I had a dear friend at Fox and I called him like a man and I told them what I had done and he said he would talk to her again

and guess what? That dude just called me he called my agency to talk to me the agency called me they go we want to talk they want to talk to you about a project they go fuck i haven't heard that name in 10 years he was a big time at fox for voiceovers and i just spoke to him and uh i called him and he's like i'm really proud of you i can't believe you took my cold reading class and you did so much with it christian caplin i love this motherfucker but uh i tell you stories like that about how i failed all that shit to let you know how much i came back but the original story I was trying to get to was being late for these things. I was some just the mentality of somebody telling me that like it really rang my bell over the

weekend like something just was like what the fuck happened that day. Well all these guys like yeah to be late and I got to be honest to you guys I did it about three times and I didn't like it. To be honest to you guys I did it I think I was late to two meetings one because of the advice they gave me and the second one you just really. There really is fucking traffic. But after the second time I did it, I was like, you know what, man, Hollywood stars are Hollywood stars.

TV stars or TV stars. Comedy stars are comedy stars, but I'm either. Who the fuck am I to go to a meeting late? Even if who I'm meeting with, they're fucking shitheads and they're never going to do anything for me. And then, you know, because tonight, listen, those meetings, nine and a half out of ten times, nothing really happens.

You know, when they meet you in a restaurant, there's no casting couch. You don't get an opportunity to lick fucking Harvey Weinstein's nuts. No, I'm kidding you. You know, with these general meetings and shit, you know, you go to them, like I said, if they're in the morning,

they really want to do something with you. If they're putting you off for 4.30, it's because you're their last meeting before the end of the day. And at least they could say, yeah, we did five general meetings this week. They used to be called five general meetings This is me and Mike meet, and we speak about the project,

and we put a date or time to meet again. And if Mike wants to hire me, he calls me back if not, he could just tell me whatever fuck he wants. That's what a general is, that it's to let the Fox and CBS and the people in development know that you're alive. But you only got five minutes to let them know you're alive. You go in there, you're halfway fucking nervous,

and you don't do your best, So for me, they never worked out. I know I could give you Josh Wolfe's number. I'd give you a couple other comics that used to go for generals gone wild, and nothing really develops from them. You know what I'm saying? So, and it really dawned on me how that whole story, that not being late, it fucked me up completely because I remember weeks later me going,

I'm going to get to that meeting late. And I go, no, I'm not. no I'm not I'm gonna leave a half hour early and allow traffic on the 405 allow traffic on the 10 wherever the fuck this audition takes me because that's where you usually go

Orange County nothing's around the corner like here so I started being early 15 minutes early 15 minutes early and guess what guys it didn't help my professional career as much as I wanted

but it helped my personal career to just get you and guys I was always one of those motherfuckers that's on time. I don't like starting shows late. I don't like none of that shit. I understand things happen. But it's just, I know people who will be late all their life and won't expand.

They won't. And the guy, and to be honest, the moral of the story is the comedian who was gung-ho about that, telling me how he did it to people, he never shot movies like I did. He's not even around anymore. And the manager that did it, he's not around either. that's how much bad fucking advice is that's how much

that's how much shit they put into you and you really don't know what the fucking believe like you really don't know you know I don't know what they tell bands I don't know what they you know I was watching something the other day uh Led Zeppelin breaking the band

on whatever and Jimmy Page is one of the interviews he didn't even have an interview with a chick from Cream magazine and he wouldn't talk to her to the interviewer had to talk to the publicist and the publicist would have to go in the other room and tell Jimmy what he said and then no and it's like that's Hollywood behavior that they allow all that shit they allow that from the beginning like they all he he doesn't want to talk to me you don't want to talk to me I'm here I'm here as a fan to help you expand I'm not putting you in the school paper you know what I'm saying I'm here to put you in Rolling Stone I'm here to put you in cream I'm here to put you in GQ or whatever you're saying I'm here to put you in Rolling Stone I'm here to put you in GQ or whatever And you don't want to talk to me. You don't want to fucking look at me.

I mean, they don't make eye contact. You know how many fucking jobs I went to? Well, I'll tell you the truth. Right now, three of them. I went to three jobs for sure where they told me not to make eye contact with the star of the show. Guys, that doesn't work for a guy like me. When you hear me throw rants like I did the other day, it's not that I, you know, it's that L.A. just does stuff to people that it's different level.

and I should not say L.A. I'm sick and tired of saying L.A. because L.A. is a very nice place. And there's a lot of great people in L.A. that have great intentions. I became a great comic from the people in L.A. helping me. And they came in all different fucking sizes, shapes, whatever the fuck, you know. But I also knew the evident end was you have to help yourself.

You have to put in the time and clack the hours and figure out what works for you. But that always dawned on me. And it even, you know, stayed with me years later how they were, it's not ball grooming. It's like letting you know how you have to act. You know, I was watching winning on HBO the other night. It's a scene where Dr. Jerry Bus contacts the coach of UNLV, Jerry Tarkhanian. I don't know if you guys are up with Final Four and the fucking, you know, Jerry Tark, the shark and all this. that's why it's interesting and he goes to meet with Harry Tarkhani and whatever and he goes

you know I want you to be the head coach of the Lakers and he goes be out there with those fake people and I was like wow you know let me think about this is 19 this show is supposed to be 1980 79 whatever around that time and this guy's saying fake people and I started thinking about that after the show ended Sunday night or whatever I was watching it because it comes on HBO at Sunday nights I'm not getting paid for this I just want you guys guys to watch good TV on Sunday night. You don't get paid for everything. Some things, most things like to talk about because I enjoy them.

Other people enjoy them. Maybe he hasn't been turned on to him. My friend called me yesterday. He said to watch a show on a pilot on HBO. I didn't know what the fuck it was. It's called the invisible pilot about a fucking redneck who kills himself. Tremendous. No, he faces his own debt.

And then he comes back as a drug smuggle. So nobody really knows he's on the fucking radar and shit. The first 40 minutes, let me tell you something. I almost hung myself three times watching it because it's just a bunch of fucking redneck stalk and I didn't know what he did his next move was going to be but after that it just opened fucking up

my brother George turned me onto it the other night he keeps asking me have you watch that and I keep breaking this ball it sucks it sucks it sucks it sucks but I watched episode number two the other night and it ain't fucking bad you know what I can get FYI guys I don't know if you're gonna watch this

I don't give a fuck you know a lot of people come to me and throw show ideas at me I'm like, guys, I'm not even going to remember that shit by the time I get in the car. But it's the truth. I got fucking things going in and out of my fucking coconut. I was having a great week last week. It ended all.

I even booked a voiceover in a film last week, guys. June 30th. I shoot it, they offered it to me, and it pays. It goes towards my insurance. More good news. Uncle Joey got his fucking insurance again. I don't have to pay $24,000 a fucking $100 a fucking month to a screen actor's guild.

Guys, I'm 50 fuck I'm vested 20 something years in the union I don't have fucking insurance You gotta help me out here What the fuck is going on With fucking society I even got my fucking freaking fly miles

They still got them I thought they were gonna wrap them up Because I haven't flown lately Like ah Keep them, you were a good man for years Ah I'll be back cock suckers I got a great show tonight

A lot of people asking me how I feel And I'm gonna fucking tell you how I feel I feel yesterday. I'm a little excited about doing it. I have a couple butterflies, or it could just be gas. You know what I'm saying? I got something in there.

It's butterflies. I got 10 minutes, guys. And for no reason at all, do I want you guys to lose your mind or anything? I got guys, why don't I get tickets? I really want to see. Guys, I got 10 minutes. I haven't been on stage in 13 months. What do you think is going to happen?

Do you think I'm going to go out there and do Lenny Bruce Live at Carnegie Hall? Are you fucking crazy guys? Are you really fucking nuts? I'm happy about Wednesday and I'm going to go there and try to have the best time I can. You know, I'm trying to think about what I want to be different. You know, I was talking to my wife the other night about I'm not 100% in, you know, I'm going to try it a few times and see how I feel and leave the door open for the future, but it's not like I want to go on a fucking tour right now at all. You know, I'm going to talk to Bert and see what Bert's got and see what dates I'm available to do.

You know, one of the things you have to do with comedy that I never knew what it meant was if you ever listen to Synchronicity by police, great fucking hours. wrapped around my finger. That song wrapped around my fingers on that. And he says something about, you know, he's in love with a married woman in that song, I guess. And he goes, you know, you sold your fate with that wedding ring. In other words, that you booked your future out. When you came to a relationship, you already booked your future out.

One of the things I hated it, I didn't like about, you know, because I had to do it George Washington closed. You know, I put like, what I liked about it and what was bothering me towards the end. You know, I'm just trying to be honest with myself, guys. You know, better help is there for you, but they can't help you all the fucking time. Decisions you're going to have to make on your own. Your psychiatrist, your parents, your mom, your dad,

this is you're going to learn to make on your own. So you learn how to make good judgment calls, you know. And if it takes, excuse me, writing out a list with the pros and cons or the position you're going for, if that's what it takes to let you know, to open up your eyes, I'd rather you do that so you know what you're getting yourself into. I wish I would have done this more when I was in my early 20s and mid-30s. George Washington closed yourself. Why fuck around.

George Washington closes pros and cons, right in line to the middle. Five on each side. Let's go. What do you want to do? What do you like about it? What do you don't like about it? And for me, I didn't like it. I don't like getting bombarded no more.

I enjoy my phone not ringing. You know, I talk with a lot of my friends. and one was asked me if I missed the limelight and I'm like, not at all. I don't miss any. I was never in the fucking limelight. I was in the fucking shadows. But do I admit?

No, not at all. I don't miss, you know, I, somebody asked me if I want to go on a tour and two, you know, a day later I was getting calls to book out the dates you want in June. I'm not prepared for that. I'm not prepared for that, you know.

I don't, you know, I don't know if I want to work June 12th or June 13th. I don't even know. I haven't done it in so long, So this is why, for my purposes and for your purposes, I mean, I've had clubs call me guys and say, listen, we heard you're doing it. Why don't you just book September? And if you don't want to do it, cancel it. Because I don't want to do that to my people.

I could have done that already. That's what I don't want to do. I don't want to pull a, what's a chick who died? What's a chick? Yeah, Amy Moyn House. I don't want to pull her. Is she coming or not? I don't want to do that.

You guys know me that. If I don't want to do something, I'm not going to go down there. I'm not going to go down there. I don't give a fuck what you got to give. I don't give a fuck. You got a reefe of you jumping up and down. If I don't want to go down there, it's not going to happen. So in the last two years, I've been sitting on close to two years,

I've been sitting here telling you soon, soon, soon, and you haven't seen it happen, have you? No. The book's coming out, though, May 23rd of 2003. That's the fucking bad news. They're going to fucking put it online, Thursday or whatever. It's going to be out. Not the book, not the print, not pre-order, nothing like that.

No. Just to let the, yeah, info know that I forget what they call it. Guys, publishing is not my fucking life here. But I don't know what they're going to call it or whatever the fuck. But I'm excited. We got it out. I don't, I didn't get anything back for edits or anything, but I did get an email over the weekend Friday, you know,

when I was in my head in the toilet. that we were publishing on the 20 May 23 of 2000, May 20th of 2020. I will post up all the available info as I get it, but it doesn't look like it's going to be this year. Does it come with an audio copy and a flag and a picture of you and an autograph? Let's wait for the book to come out of right. What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you going to do any book signings?

I don't fucking know. I don't fucking know. I don't fucking know what I'm doing. I don't even know what I'm doing tomorrow. I don't even know what I'm doing today. I know what I'm doing. I'm going to get a fucking haircut because I'm not going on stage looking like the one thing I like about fucking winning

with my man C. Riley is that he's got a tremendous hair do. He's got to wrap it around and comb it and put fucking, you should have seen my hair when I fucking was sick the other day. I got up in them because you had to keep putting to sleep at me a mask on.

Take it off. Keep it out. Take it off. My hair was just shooting straight up in the fucking air. It was tremendous. but all it was was fucking white. So I'm shooting. I got to do a few videos and I don't want to shoot it looking like Johnny

Vompe. So I'm going to get all done up. They're going to trim my eyebrows today. Fucking the hairdo of life. I'm going to be looking like fucking Johnny Popsidara on 144th and Magnolia Boulevard. You know what I'm saying? I don't even know what that is. But it's been a great week.

It's going to be fucking Easter week. And as usual, you know, during these times, the last, it seems like more people have died. Does that, anybody else, it seems like the last couple of years, every week you get a notice of somebody dying. I've never remembered it like this. You know, when I was a young kid, I had a couple years there where it was in fucking kosher. But for the most part, it's, you know, everybody's been able to keep their fucking life together. and the last two years, you know, we lost meatloaf, Tom Petty. We lost a lot of, I don't know, Tom Petty died before the pandemic, but...

Yeah, we lost a lot of good fucking people over the pandemic. And with Donald Lewis, you know, I was thinking of the comic the other day, and I remember that he got hit by a car. Remember the comedian in Texas, the guy hit by the bus during the pandemic? I forgot what his name is, real talented guy, really funny. You know, there's been, you know, Jeff, the piano player at the store past, the way. There's just been so many people that have been off color. You know, I really wanted to go to the store's 50th anniversary last

Thursday. And Wednesday night I looked online and looked at tickets and I reserved the ticket out of Newark for JetBlue. I was going to try to leave at 2 in the afternoon, get to L.A. like at fucking, I don't know what time it was 3.30. It would give me enough time to get the, it was like, I had like a three-hour window to get the Hollywood. it to the hotel, take a shower, and go to the condi store reunion. You know, Ari was going to go, Steve Simone. I really wanted to see those guys. And I don't know if this would have been an opening for me to go back or if this would have been closure. I don't know. I wasn't even looking

at it like that. But I wanted to go. A part of me was really enthusiastic about going. So I packed like a half a bag, Puerto Rican bag. And I was like, you know what? If anything goes down, I'll just shoot to Newark. I'm 30 minutes away. When I looked at the thing that, the first two flights of the day were already canceled. So I was talking to Ari, and he goes, are you thinking of flying out? And I go, yeah, I'm thinking of taking this flight. And he goes, I don't think they're going to do it

because Redizzi just got canceled. Redizzi's not coming in. So I didn't go to the fucking store, 53 unit. I spoke to a few people. I'm going to try to see Eleanor Thursday night. She's with Dice down at Uncle Vinny's, so maybe I'll go down there. She called and they had a nice time and stuff.

But yesterday morning I woke up to again, I could tell you a thousand stories. She was just a great sweet kid from the store. 12 years ago, no, 12 years ago, about 10 years ago, Mercy's 9. This was December of 2012. I, you know, flappers called, and they said, can you help out Jim Jeffries this weekend?

He's taping, he won't be able to get there late. He was taping his Comedy Central special. And I was like, you know what, I'm in town. I have to stay close because my wife is due. You know, it was like after the holidays. So Mercy was born on the 13th of January. So I remember it being right before the holidays. I wasn't working New Year's,

or maybe I was doing the little room at the Ice House. And I was just there doing spots, guys. You know, he's just doing two shows. Nothing. I wasn't light in the world on fire. It really wasn't my show. So when I got to that night, I met this girl, and she told me she was a social manager,

social media manager. that was new to me. You know, I didn't, I didn't know what a social media manager was, and she was very nice and very sweet. And, you know, I went home that night, and the next day I came back to do the second, the third and fourth show, and one of the comics pulled me aside

and said something to me that kind of was about me that had done something not fucking kosher, you know. And I was like, guys, I don't know if you know this, I did my set last. night and I just went right home. I parked illegally at flappers. I knew how to park illegally and I had enough time to do it and so when I would go to flappers, I would never really hang.

There's not a hang at flappers. They had a little green room in the back and they used to give you-hous and I like the yahoos and stuff. It was a great touch. I like flappers and I miss flappers. They stayed open during the pandemic and I wish nothing but well. They're doing great things now. So that's sadly when I came back, what the comic told me was that the girl, the social media girl, said that I grabbed the pussy. And I'm, Doug, my wife is at home, pregnant.

I'm in, I'm in father mode. You know what? I'm not drinking. I'm not doing shit. And I go, what? And I go, I'm going to here. I go, I only met her in here. She only came in here.

She was in front of you guys, so I had nothing to worry about. I go, I met her in here. And there was Jim Jeffries, his public. was somebody else was there and there was another comic in there. I go, no, didn't you guys go out afterward? And I go, what?

I go, no. And I left the office and I went and hunted it down. I go, can I have a word with you? And she's like, what? And I go, the comic told me that you're upset with me because I grabbed your pussy last night. And she goes, I don't want to talk about it. She goes, you grabbed it at the bar.

And I go, hold on one second. I went and got the bartending. I go, hey, no, because I was coming in there a lot at the time. I go, do I ever come to the fucking Was I in the bar last night? I goes, no. I go, can you talk to me for a second? I went and pulled her out.

I said, this is what happened, you know? And she's like, okay, well, maybe it wasn't you. And I go, maybe it wasn't me. That's not the right fucking answer. That's not the right answer. Maybe it was, you, before you make this allegation, you better be damn sure. She was drinking.

And she thought I had gone back to the bar You know, I was not at the fucking bar. I don't go to fucking bars. No, I don't want to be in bars. So, you know, I went home and I'm like, you know, and I started talking to it. Guys, at first I was a little angry. This is before the whole Me Too movement and everything.

But I got a wife at the house. I'm not going out to this, grab some girl's pussy at a fucking thing. So we started talking and we became friends, you know, like, hi, you know, what a friend. You know, hi, how are you doing good to see you? I was comedy. I saw a couple times and I didn't see her anymore. Boom. Pop goes to Wies, so I go to the store, there she is.

She's a social media manager. Sweet girl, she has a boyfriend. You know, I talk through all the time, but she always wanted more. And that's all of us, guys. I can't be mad at somebody for somebody wanting more. But for a long time, I wanted more. But you have to look at your surroundings

and see what you can give yourself and what you're capable of giving. You know what I'm saying? She wanted more, and she was going to get it eventually, but it was going to take time. Like anything else, you know. Guns and Rose has put out a great fucking first album. But they were even a lot better by use your illusion.

They got really good by use your illusion. It takes time and more open, you know, then they got a budget for a fucking $8 million video. You know, you understand I'm going with this, you know. Things are going to move for you, but it takes time, you know. And we'd always shout about comedy and one night. They got into an argument one night. I don't know what happened.

She quit the store. But she still comes down and do spots, and I would always talk to her. Very sweet. I bumped into her in Vegas, you know, tried to give her advice and stuff. And then she had like,

you know, she would get drunk and I don't know, I don't know what happened. Bottom line is, yesterday I woke up and I saw that picture that, you know, she had passed away on Sunday.

This girl couldn't be a day older than 35, you know, a fucking day older than 35. I don't even clock her at that, you know. I was type of, with her like towards the end you know she would come to me for advice when i was shooting the

sopranos she was in the city uh doing some uh chicken video or something like that and i went to meet her and give a weed one night she asked me if i was going to brooklyn and i go no so i gave a 40 for the fucking uh for the uber or whatever you know and then um in la she would be at the comedy store and i would talk to at the comedy store and she would always ask for advice but I could always see she was impatient. Things weren't moving fast enough. And she was really driven, which I have no problems with all those three things.

You know me, guys. I support that. What I don't support is the acceleration. When do you stop and when do you go up to 60? There has to be a balance when attacking. You can't always be fucking doing 60. things are not always going to happen I'm the most impatient

motherfucker in the world and I even know that you when you're in this art game you learn to be patient shit is not going to happen you know it's going to be busy for you never mind when you get into trying to get money from somebody

or you motherfuckers that I'm going to make movies and finance films good luck that's a completely different mind fuck wait to you ask for 800 million they give you 800 bitcoins you know Trust me, motherfuckers. So this, you know, and I feel bad because throughout the day I learned what went on and

she wasn't happy and she might have taken her own life. I'm saying this maybe, you know, I don't know what happened. I wasn't there. Sam Trippley posted pictures where I called him last night and I go, Sam, fill me in and we spoke and she was unhappy and she was in Oklahoma. I was withdrawing heavy duty when I was. going still to physical therapy. She called me out of the blue one day

and said to me that because what happened was, listen, I know when somebody's struggling in L.A. I know the look in your eye. I know how people act when they're struggling and I know how you feel. It's a horrible feeling. When somebody's struggling,

I'm the type of guy that I'll throw you a bone. If I see you struggling in that sense, I'll throw you a well-deserved bone. just to pick up your spirits a little bit, but I can't throw you an opening gig with Joe Rogan. Do you know what I'm saying? Like I could throw you a bone. I could get you a gig with Dean Delray.

I can do something. In time, I could hustle up something. It may not be what you want, but it's what's coming down the pipe right now. And if you want to work and get better at your craft, this is the job you're going to accept. She said to keep my eyes open, and I tried to,

and she would always contact me for the difficult rooms. Like, she wanted to get into this room, and I'm like, that guy is not going to let you go in there right off the bat. You got to go in there with a headliner, and she's like, well, I don't want to go in there

with a headliner. So, anyway, to make a long story, fucking short. One day I was by the bagel place. I was still coming home from physical therapy, and she called, and she said that she had had a rough pandemic. She had caught a bad case of drugs. You know, she had it bad,

with the drugs for a while. She fell into a depression. She was going on through a lot of other stuff in her life. But she really, really wanted to be a stand-up. And that's why I respected this shit out of her. This girl could have been a really good stand-up in time. She just needed time. You could tell when somebody has that comedic mind.

Lee Syatt, believe it or not, as crazy and whacked him, torturing and flying Jew, Lee Syaz got a Woody Whatever fuck One of those Woody Allen minds Not that he's going to go Fucking Chinese students or whatever

Or Chinese daughters of people That are 16 Lee has a very Whatever type of mind If Lee would have done comedy For eight or nine years Lee would have been really good His delivery would have been good

But his little off-color jokes Are fucking hilarious She had that she had that goofiness, she had that innocence. So it was going to work in time. When I spoke to her, she wasn't in good spirits. I don't think she was very happy with me because she came to me once and she goes,

I'd really like to do your podcast when you're ready, when I'm ready. And I said, well, you let me know when you're ready, you know. At least she wasn't bugging me about the podcast or anything. So I go, let me know when you're ready. Guess when she called me? August 14th.

Right at the end, she called me out of the blue. You know, the pandemic started, we lost. And that's what Sam Cripley said. When the pandemic started, we lost contact with a lot of those guys because our communication was the store. We didn't know them from anywhere else. So I lost contact with it. And I picked up my bed and she's like, hey,

can I come on the podcast? And I go, you're not going to believe this. Because she always had the worst luck. Do you know what I'm saying? You know, like she just, if she was one of those people, that was a dollar day, a day late, a dollar short. God bless her. But she fucking said, I want to do a podcast. I'm like, you're not going to believe this.

I just packed up the studio. And Lee just got in his car. And she goes, oh, so I think in turn she was kind of angry with me. I said, you know, I'm not doing it. But in time, if I start another one, we can do the podcast, you know. when she called me that day she was talking about that because she had had an incident at the store

they asked to leave one night and then they wanted a banner for 30 days I don't exactly know the fucking story guys but somebody had told me and George Perez the story and we were talking about it with Jeff Scott God rest his soul the piano player in the back and there must have been a waitress there or something

and she told Sarah God rest her soul that me Jeff and whatever we're talking about it and what were we talking about and i was just explaining to it we were going over that at the when she called me that day in the bagel shop maybe uh i don't know last march maybe had to be maybe a year ago and she was upset and i apologize i said you know but she was uh listen i respect your dream but i want you to keep it in check i always respect everybody's dream but you have to keep it in check and you have to check yourself

on a monthly basis to see where the fuck you are. If you continue to take what they're giving you. L.A. is a very hard place. If you're coming from hell, if you're coming from a hell in your life, L.A. is not going to be the place right off the bat. In your mind, it's very soothing. It's very, you know, palm trees, you know, the Eagles.

But in reality, the business of L.A. is a fucking monster. and sometimes if you come from somewhere where you were in a hell and you come into L.A., it's not going to work out for you. And this is what I thought about last night after I got off the phone with Tripoli. That this, it didn't work out for this girl.

Hollywood's a motherfucker. And all I can say is I hope the comics around her and her friends that were around her learned that this isn't a fucking joke anymore. They're playing for keeps. And I'm really sad for a family and what they're going through and her friends.

So my heart goes out to Sarah. And I'll see you on the other side, cuck, sucker. You were a fun girl. And I'm sorry. And that's my podcast for Wednesday, the motherfucking 13th of April. Like I said, I'm excited about Uncle Vinny's tonight.

If you can't make it sold out, don't sweat. It's 10 fucking minutes. Listen, if we keep doing this, we're just going to get better and better. I don't like people seeing me in a shitty state anyway. So I'd rather you see me when I'm cooking with fucking gas.

This is free. I don't give a fuck how I show up here. But when you're paying the fucking heavy duty and you're getting a babysitting the whole thing, I got to show up with six fucking bullets,

correct? What the fuck? I love your cock suckers and all my heart. Stay black. Happy Easter and we will see you motherfuckers in preparation of 420.

Stay black. Have a great week. See you next week. All right. We had a good. time today. It was time to see you guys and just chit chat. We'll come back with the guests next week and talk some shit,

but the joint is brought to you by Relief Band. Listen, if Uncle Joey tells you relief ban works towards anxiety, air travel, car travel, it helps for me, helps my daughter. Relief ban has been criminally proven to relieve and prevent anxiety-induced nausea and vomiting. It's like the name

says, if it's a band you wear on your wrist to give you relief from nausea, caused by things like anxiety, morning sickness, chemotherapy, you could change the intensity depending on how you're feeling to make it stronger or weaker. Relief band was there for me when I had my surgery. I got in the mail, I didn't know what the hell it was.

And bam, it works. Relief ban is 100% drug-free, non-drowsy, and provides long-lasting relief. And they just released a relief band sport. It's waterproof and it connects to your Apple or Android watch. Now, Relief Band, Relief Band makes a great gift any time of the year for your uncle and, you know, some people go fishing, they go on boats. If you go to ReliefBand.com and use promo code Joey, you'll receive 20% off and free shipping with no questions asked, 30-day money back guarantee.

Do yourself a favor. This is a gift. Mother's Day is coming. Father's Day is coming. This is what you need right now. They already got a wallet and a tie and all that shit. Go to Reliefband.com and use promo code Joey for 20%. 20% off plus free shipping.

The joiner is also brought to you by CBD. Mother fucking Lion. When it comes to CBD, CBD is the best. I've been with them for three years, and I just fucking love them. And they're with me, they love me. So we got a perfect match. You want to start small?

Start with the tincture. Get the 1,500 milligram tincture. Your head's going to fucking blow up. Get the kinesiology tape. Another great one. Anyway, go to CBD Lyons. Read that third party lab results. You see what you like.

Get some CBD sent to your house. And don't forget about those Delta Nine Gummies. I get them delivered to your house with a 20% discount. From a CBD line when you use Code Joey. I also want to thank, Blue Chew. Listen, April showers bring May flowers. What does that mean? You want a sling dick with three hands.

It's time to plant your seed. You want a February baby. Let me tell you something. Blue Chew is tremendous, guys. I love it. I love it. It comes in a little package you put it in your wallet.

You can take it any time, any day, day or night. The process is very simple. You go to Bluetooth.com and talk to one of their licensed medical providers. Once you're approved, you receive your prescription and nobody knows nothing. There's no doctor's office. There's no pharmacy.

No guy without your eyebrows, beating you to debt. It ships right to your door in a discreet package. Blue Chew tablets are made in the U. S of A, way cheaper than your pharmacy. So if you can benefit, with a little extra confidence when it's time to sling dick, Blue Chew can help.

And here's a special deal for the joint listeners. Try Blue Chew for free when you use promo code Joey at checkout. Just pay $5 shipping. That's bluechew.com. promo code Joey to receive your first month free. Visit bluechew.com for more details. I want to thank Bluechew. Thank Relief Band. I want to thank CBD Lion and honor for having our back this week.

But most importantly, I want to thank you savages. I'll see you Coxuckers next week. Monday morning tip-top Magoo. Happy Easter.