The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #155 - The Church Of What's Happening Now

Episode Date: March 3, 2014

Comedian Matt Fulchiron calls in. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Escapepodtank.com Mention Joey or the Church and get $250 off. Recorded live on 02/17/2014.

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There you go. Some Cuban fucking war music. This is when they take you out to the fucking ocean and stab you to debt. They'd sing this to you first as a reminder. Are you kidding me or what? Listen to these cuts. Angel's divine. I don't want in my path this motherfucking fatality.

That's what he's saying and shit. Somebody's going down today. Because somebody's got your motherfucking lunch money in their pocket. The church of motherfucking what's happening now? What? Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.

Here you go, motherfuckers. March 3rd, the day the devil was buried at sea. Again, oh shit, Lysayat, the flying fucking Jew, the Cuban doing this thing on a Monday, killing chickens and shit. Oh shit. Get the fucking bad spirits out of the fucking room. Somebody's going down today. What's the story, Doug Brett? Everything all right, Cox second?

I would love if you brought a chicken in here, had like a priest in the corner. Oh, fuck it. A black dude, a white thing on his head stabbing chickens. whoever the fuck else gets in the way. What's happening, you beautiful fucking people? It's a beautiful day to be alive, motherfuckers. Monday, March 3rd. You ain't fucking around.

That's the best fucking thing that's crackleck. Stone to the gill on the vapors. Lee Syed. I got some sleep last night. I got some rest. Let's start this podcast where it needs to start. Boston, Massachusetts, I fucking love you.

I love you for what you stand for. I love the people. I hated that fucking Republican Gentile motherfucker. eating pizza at legal seafood. I almost slid his fucking throat. Some white dude eating fucking pizza at legal seafood at the bar. I wanted to slice his fucking throat. Yeah.

With his fucking little kid watching. That's what you want to teach a kid to eat pizza at this fucking place. Best number one seafood restaurant in the fucking country. He ordered that from the kid's menu because, I mean, I worked there for three years. I don't have that on the regular menu. Fucking pizza at the bar, an adult with a beer. I wanted to punch the shit out. I got to fly six hours to get the legal seafood.

And this fucking mook-to-mook is fucking eating pizza. And this kid was eating seafood. That's what pissed me off. He was eating shrimp. I double-took. I double fucking took. He's like, Dad, come on. You're embarrassing me.

No, I don't like seafood. Don't fucking come here, you fuck. I don't like Thai food. You don't see me hanging out the Thai place. They have steak, though. You could have at least had steak or chicken. No, no. Legal seafood was fucking delicious.

The Italian joint we went to was fucking delicious. The hotel was there at the Western. The breakfast was off. I mean, Boston is just a fucking major, major, major, badass fucking city, and they really got it down there. Yeah. You know, all that shit, Southie? Mm-hmm.

We're cleaning that up. Oh, yeah. That does not look like the Southie. I saw 10 years ago. No. That does not look like the South. There's a lot of people my age living there now. Yeah, and I heard it's $400,000 to get a house there, one bedroom house.

Probably, yeah. That's going to be, and you heard it from your Uncle Joey, that area, that's going to be the next South Beach. What they did with the water there, how they're cleaning it up? It's like a little beach and shit there. They just have to figure out. I was looking at it saying, this is the Jew and me. The Jews are sitting there trying to figure out how they can make money in the winter.

That's what they're trying to figure out right now. Do we close it down? Because Jews are like, why put any investment in it? We're not going to get paid 12 months a year. So you have to put an outdoor thing and an indoor thing, like an outdoor boardwalk. But that's going to be fucking beautiful. The city, you know, man, again, you know,

all you hear about the economy, people not working people dying but then you go to a say like that and it's moving and grooving you know it's moving and grooving and the yuppies are taking over whatever they're getting gentrified hey man that's that's you know since the caveman you got four rocks I got one rock you know I got to go bitches besides that the shows were great the Agostino was great the club the people who came I got to meet Lady J you know I got to meet a lot of people Lady J was just a fucking sweetheart to meet that's great and mixed the dish was there wasn't she? Mr. Dish. My girl

from Connecticut was there. I mean, there was just so many fucking cool people. And it's not stand-up anymore for me. It's not going on the road to doing stand-up. And that's what makes this even the better. I used to fucking have a problem with going out and staying out. I don't have a problem no more. I don't have a problem

with talking to people afterwards. You know, the club really didn't want me to go out to, we sold out a couple of shows. Oh, shit. You had to go in and go out the same door. So I couldn't go out right away. I would cause a jam, you know? I talked to a lot of people and I shook a lot of hands. I talked to some Puerto Ricans.

I talked to some Boston motherfucking black people who were fucking great black Superman. You know, there's black superman. Came all the way from Dorchester? Yeah, yeah, just, it's just, that's a terrible thing. Look at Lee, flying Jew, cracking fucking racial funnies on a Monday morning cock sucker. But it was just, and this week I'm going to Jersey. You know, I'm going to a stress factory. But I like doing this again, and it's not about the jokes anymore.

it's about going out and seeing the people and just you know you see these cool people on on Twitter and Facebook and I've said it a thousand times and I was very wrong at first when people were trying to turn me on to Facebook in fact this is a Joe Rogan podcast where I'd just go off like three years ago you got no real friends on Facebook I was fucking wrong because you people fucking you know you give me the utmost support so when I go to these towns it's great when you come up to me and tell me your fucking name, you know, your Twitter handle or something. I just

stop because I connect everything and I could see how cool you are. Like I wasn't wrong. I wasn't wrong answering you back on Twitter. You know, my assumption was right. Something about your name and your energy and what you said to me and how we went back and forth. So this isn't about stand-up no more. This is about

something really fucking special. So I'm happy just to be a part of it. I'm happy that they're a part of it. That's it, man. What's up with you, Cox? What'd you do all weekend? You picked up Mama on Friday, you gave her stabbing a Yeah, I mean We were gonna go to Malibu, but it was fucking

It was fucking the sky came down here No, it didn't, it was drizzling, but people were freaking out So you just couldn't- Friday night, it was horrible here My friend's building got hit by lightning It shattered the windows My uncle on Western Boulevard said he thought The roof was gonna come down

It wasn't fucking drizzling It wasn't fucking drizzling Maybe maybe my area wasn't that bad It was bad It was bad something you know what that is? It broke her, windows. Did it really?

Yeah, Jody Freddy. She was holding a bottle of fucking vodka and it hit the fucking bottle and she got a bruise on her arm. Maybe I didn't see it, but just driving around. Just driving around. You're just driving around. You know where I went this for the first time and probably the only time this weekend? Where?

We went because it was late and there was nothing else. We went to Bob's Big Boy for the first time. How was it? Yeah. Bob's Big Boy is Umami Burger, right? Oh, no, no, no. It's across the street from Monumenter. Well, Bob's Big Boy is for Gentiles.

Did you not see that? They have cars there on Friday. And the cheeseburg is a day. done perfectly and the cheese is cut. Did you not see that? Not a bad breakfast, but it's not known because of the cuisine. What did you eat? Just a cheeseburger.

Whatever, they're known for, like the big boy, whatever it's called. And what do you think? It was okay. But everyone in L.A. talks about it like it's amazing. They also talk about it and out burgers. You know, they tell, you know, it's, listen, bro, they blow up shit. It's not like the food I fucking ate this weekend in Boston. No.

You went to my favorite restaurant. I had a bad hamburger and it was better than what I get here. You know why? Because they served real fucking steak fries. Oh, yeah. You could taste the fucking Idaho potato in the fucking French fry. You know, and I watched my weight. I didn't go to Route 1.

I didn't go to Nix and eat Chinese food. You know, at that fucking haul. Listen, I had so many goddamn steamers. The steamers were so delicious. They had the tail on them. Oh, yeah. They looked like fucking sea urchin rats. I can't do those.

We had two bowls of steamers. I had a dozen fucking cherry combinations. Cherry stones. It's Jerry Stones. We had the fucking, my friend ordered the muscles, but I had curry in it. I want to hit him in the fucking head with the dish. I could smell it. What happened?

It has curry in their fucking muscles. Oh. I can't stand that shit with coconut milk. Like I'm on some fucking island. Yeah, yeah. But we had the lobster tail. The big one, the Agostino had the stuffed lobster tail. I just had the lobster tail.

And it was, you could taste the Japanese radiation. I loved it. But who gives a fuck? Listen, everything you eat now. But at least you're trying. I had some salmon. It was delicious. It was just a great weekend, man.

It really, really was. And I got to see a, you know, last night I watched the last 15 minutes of the Oscars. I forgot they were even on. I was with my daughter last night. We gave her bat. You didn't miss much. I went in the room. Did you watch it?

Yeah, I know you watched it. I went in the room and watched it the emails. And I fucking tried to write down some jokes. I remember from the weekend and stuff. And finally I popped out there. And it's the Oscars. And it was 20 to 9. And I watched the, who did I watch?

I watched the kids. from Texas who I like for Dallas Byers Club, the skinny guy win. Yeah. I saw Clayton. Did you see that movie Dallas Byers Club? Yeah. How was it? Fucking good. Okay, I don't have to see that. Kate Blanchette win, which I don't think she should have won. And then 12 years of slave won the movie,

right? Which was the best fucking movie. But it was just weird. Like this morning I got up and I got up at 4 and I went on Yahoo. Yahoo! Yahoo opens up the page and they're all taking pictures. And it's 12 fake fucking fucking people. I'm surprised the fucking 12 people even came up in the picture. They're so fucking fake.

You know what I'm saying? All you should see is like a cloud of smoke in the devil's tail. Yeah. Like they sold their fucking soul. But it's so weird how this weekend in Boston, the first night I was there, I hooked up with an old dear friend of mine. His name was Danny Kelly. Okay.

And people always ask me, you know, like, I always get emails about being a comic in L.A. And what's the difference is? And I hate talking about comedy, but guys, I'm a comedian. And when I talk about this shit, I want you to apply it to your job or apply it to your world or maybe there's some way. But Danny Kelly was my room, and I was really broke. And Danny Kelly and his girlfriend, it broke up. They lived over on sunset and by, right before one of those fucking big streets, Highland, the LaBray or some.

Nice little apartment, jacuzzi downstairs. Okay. I brought a chick over there one night with a wig. It was fucking tremendous. And, you know, I stayed with him. And in the meantime, there was a guy named Scott Day. He was a talent coordinator. He was a really cool guy, but he was a drunk, and people knew it.

I loved him. I loved him dearly. He helped me a lot with my comedy and made calls for me. He was a real talent coordinator. He was a friend of Louis Anderson's, and he made him a talent coordinator at the store. Well, one day he went off the deep end. Danny Kelly was the phone guy, and Danny Kelly got made the talent coordinator, which is just, it's mind-boggling.

It's like if it's like... So what did the talent coordinator do? Talent coordinator sets the schedules, and he's the one that talks to Mitzie. He sees who calls in. He sets in showcases. He went from the phone. got a like manager. Yeah.

He went to the phone guy to like talent manager dealing with fucking agents, dealing with publicists, dealing with fucking egos. Yeah, he went fucking dealing with, you know, just everybody. So it was weird because when you have that position, you also become very vulnerable to these fucking vampires that live in this town. It's really weird. You've observed the vampires. You've seen them and I've said to you, look, Lee, watch this vampire, watch.

Yeah. And you've learned and you said, wow. And it hurts your feelings. It hurts people that people like that obviously walk around, you know, and they show up congratulating you, but they're always looking for something. There's always a wait for the clouds part to show you the true colors of the sky type deal. I love that at the ice house that one time when the guy came into the green one. I told you. It's amazing.

And you see these vampires. You know, I work hard for what I fucking get. I work fucking hard. But there's people who think they could come here with a smile, bullshit their way. And at the end, you don't get anything. At the end, you don't get anything. So you might as well have done the fucking work. It's like when you do math in grammar school,

remember the teacher says show the work, and you just write the answers and you can't show the work. That's the way it is in comedy. And in life, you've got to show the fucking work, okay? I don't give a fuck what you think. You might get away with it three or four times, but trust me, when that fucking,

when the whip comes down, it's going to come down all right, and you're going to go, fuck, you know, I should have done the fucking work. So I'm not saying Danny didn't do the work. Danny was young, man. And I would have got caught up in that position also. That's a position of power in this town.

Because now people shake your hand. They call you Danny. They light your cigarettes. Your jokes are funny. You know, everybody fucking wants to hang out with you. And Danny was also an aspiring comic. Yeah. You know, not the funniest fucking guy in the world, but he got some labs.

You know, he was starting out. He had started out in Boston. We were both starting out together. So I can't really judge him. I would never do something like that. He becomes a talent coordinator. And he had a calendar. Like, you have a calendar of your dates.

Like, I'm here Thursday. I'm here Friday. Dog, his mother. fucking calendar was booked. If the room paid people $50, it paid him $150. He was becoming rich, being the talent

coordinator in comedy. He was out seven nights a week doing comedy. He was showcasing for people, but there was always a by the way. I don't know how long it lasted. It lasted maybe six, seven, eight months. He was rocking and rolling. And then one day he went on a Monday and it was typical

Mitsy Shaw. He got there on Monday and his shit was in a bag. on the fucking desk. For any reason? No, no, no, yeah. They got fired. Some chick was in there already with her shit all over the office.

I mean, this is L.A. Nobody tells you nothing. There was a show on years ago, vibe. When you were a kid, it had to be 15 years ago. So you don't even remember. It was with, I forget the kid's name. He's still around. He was hosting the show.

You know how he found out he got fired? No. When he got in this car, he started the car and it was on the radio. He was driving to his fucking job But welcome to Los Angeles Where nobody could look you in the eye And nobody could be a fucking man in this town

There's no fucking men All those people you see are fucking manly holograms Trust from I'm telling him They're men holograms With fucking pussies Okay, they just come off as men Because they have to, but they're pussies That's how he found out

So he get Danny Kelly First off he goes downstairs The fucking transmission's gone But the car blows up I don't know what happens So he has to walk to work He walks into work And there's a bag with his shit in it

No firing No let me talk to you in the office There's a bag That's Mitzie short God knows what he did Or what reason she didn't want him there Or he now she made a waitress The talent coordinator

Which I loved Corey Cuomo also I have nothing against Cory Cuomo She ended up marrying Freddie Soto A funny comedian who ended up passing But she has a child with Freddy She's still around So Danny Kelly gets his gig You know, I could see it.

I see people. This guy's got gigs of Irvine. You know, here I am fighting for my life. And this guy's going all over the fucking city of L.A. doing gigs showcasing for this guy. People are calling him the house. And he's a sweet guy. You know, Danny Kelly, he's a sweet guy.

So he gets his bag. He fucking walks home. Okay. I never forget. I seen him at the house. And I go, bro, are you okay? And he's like, yeah, fucking Mitzie. I go, what was the reason?

He didn't tell me. I go, what are you going to do? He goes, it really doesn't matter. Because look, he opens up his. No, because look at all this fucking work I had. He goes, so I'll figure it out in like fucking two months, you know? So, already

that day, there were rumbings going around town. This is how quick this town changes. Like, he was the funniest guy at the improv on Monday nights. Like, as soon as he walked in, Monday night is Black Night at the Improv. But as soon as he walked in, he was the fucking president of the Globetrotters.

All the black people would be hugging him and kissing him and buying him fucking, you know, buying him fucking cocktails. and you know those brothers don't buy nobody a fucking cocktail they were hugged them and giving them drink tickets and they would let him go off fifth like in 825 and if he ran the light two minutes he was Danny Kelly there was no fucking problem

he was a talent coordinator at the comedy store well that night it was completely different I went down there with him not expecting it to go that fast but this is this town this is what this town does to people yeah but he walked in all those black people that would jump up and down and high-fiving

they looked the other way him and I at the bar a couple people came over say hey what's up but the same black people that would come over and some of the white people that would come over was freaky Monday and it was the best room in LA on Monday nights they would put up white axe and then about 835 Davidel will go up of Pablo Francisco okay so it would be like Danny Kelly Josh wolf me Davidel it would be Doug Stanhope Davidel Pablo and then it would just turn black after that about eight nine o'clock that's when the brothers are coming and it would be a great show Chris Tucker D.L. Hughley. It was all it was fucking amazing guys. When you did a spot down there, you got a business card. This is 1997. You got a fucking business card.

He gets on stage this Monday night and it was a six minute spot. Okay. Dog, at the five minute spot, they gave him a light. At the six minute fucking spot, guess what they did? The lights went out during his set.

The fucking lights and the power went out. Like they put the fucking power out. He stood up there and the fucking guy came up with a with a flashlight. The comic came up with a flashlight to get the thing. I mean it was just horrible, but that's the bad luck he had on him already. Oh my God.

And then he got home and every morning he'd get up and he'd have three new messages. That gig, April 15th got canceled. That gig, April, whatever, got all those people that were loving on him. Every morning, three gigs were canceled. I remember the week, like a week later waking up and he was sitting on the couch. laying back like his life was over.

He had lost all the gigs. He had lost, but what he had lost was the same thing I lost looking at him. I lost faith in these motherfucking comedians. Because then you become, and it just wasn't comedians. It was the actors and the agents. You realize they were all a bunch of fucking vampires. Yeah.

That's what I realized at that point. That was one of the biggest lessons I had, I had learnt at that time. You know, I had learned that. that time was that all these people around you that you see jumping up and down there they just jump from people to fucking people you know I remember being on the road with Joe Rogan and having people come up to him going man fuck yeah fucking Carlos fuck him and then two weeks later I'd be coming through town and Carlos was there

and I'd see the same people like Carlos going fuck Joe Rogan he's a fucking pussy with a camera so you understand me it was it was a really weird thing to see and it was a lesson. He ended up leaving two months later. Wow. Like guys, it was that, and it wasn't about the talent, it wasn't about the work. It was about that he had lost the people.

He had nobody in his corner. You're out here by yourself. But he just, it was just horrible to see. Was he on the show at the speaking or was just back in Boston? No, he tried to get on. You know, Danny went to Boston, and he tried to put the pieces back together and he worked hard

and then he got a little sick his health and now he's back he's working full time, he's engaged so I know he's listening and I give him all love in the world I really like Danny a lot but no it's crazy yeah

and all them hugging like friends and it was weird how he said to me the other night at that dinner table he goes you know I always told people I learned a lot from you don't tell me with you and I told him I learned and I didn't want to have

never tell him the story and I didn't want to I wouldn't say the story on the podcast if I didn't tell him first I told him the same story I'm telling you people I learned the nature of the beast and thank God I learned that because that was 1998 it made me a fucking animal after that because I realized that these people were worse criminals than the people I came up when you when you're a criminal you have pieces of shit around you but you also have people that are very fucking loyal and super loyal because they know in unity is strength these motherfuckers have never learned that lesson. They all want to be, nobody wants to be in the

Fantastic Four. They all want to be solo and their pussy's on their own. Where I came from, if you had an insecurity and you knew it, you teamed up with somebody else, even if you gave him 10 points or you gave him support, you gave him love, something where he could stash at it because in unity of their strength. I'm with you, you're with me and there with us.

Not these motherfuckers, but that that little thing taught me so much to see the real nature of these fucking cunts. And I'm sorry, I said the word cunts, but that's exactly what they are. So you live and you're fucking learned. And I thank Danny Kelly. I'm happy that happened to him.

But I'm thankful that I got to see it. I got to see it in front of my eyes. And after that, it made everything a lot clearer. You know, it took my perception of this town to the next fucking level. Sometimes something takes you to the next level that's discomfort or it's not something you want to do. That took me to the next level. me back in my prison mentality. Like when I came here, I came here

in my white mode mentality. I tried to be a civilian. I tried to be a nice person. But the more and more, by 2000, I was already a savage. By 2000, I threw that fuck and that's when I had already told my ex-wife to go fuck herself. That's when I told the fucking kid to go fuck herself.

That's why I told everybody to go fuck herself. And these were the different situations that made me a fucking animal. That I knew that from now on I had to play for keeps out here. I didn't have time to fuck around and go to talk to people. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, oh my God, he's so funny. You know, what do you think I should do with my career?

Well, Joey, no, fuck you. I'm taking control of this motherfucker. So if you're listening out there, sometimes you've got to see what these motherfuckers are really about. You know, I tell people, know the animal you deal with at all fucking times. Know the jungle you're in. Know the neighborhood you're in. Know the trees you live in. Because these fucking people are just animals out of here.

And they have no. That was just. And I didn't explain it enough to people for them to understand. But that was just a deep thing how fast people kick you to the fucking side in this town. Oh, yeah. And some people, for him, I knew he handled it well. He's from Boston. He's a tough guy.

But it was tough to see. What the fuck, Lee? What are you staring at, Coxucker? You're looking at me like I owe you 20 bucks. Where's the music? Where's the I want to be around, Slay, Coxucker? Something out of respect. This vapor pen is killing him, motherfucker.

I still gotta get my nailed-in-life guys to send me one. I gotta call him. I wanna be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks ya. There's a fucking tit song, you know? I found out the history of this song for you. I'll tell ya, I'll tell you that, but. Tremendous people, blowing clouds.

I got a protein shaking me, a little fucking hemp force with some glutamine. Who's better than Uncle Joey? A banana A somebody who Will swear to be true As you used to do He's a brand new tube I got from No Organic

Who leave you to learn It's a sedative You don't want to do this goomy with me, cox sucker And I can't today A little piece I got one day another good t-shirt guy It's an eight mile drive You're not going down to me. I do.

You go tomorrow. You go Wednesday. You go Thursday. No, it's been for eight months. I've been trying to get these shirts done. Cogsucker. Why? Cocksucker.

So it's really interesting. I talked to my friend Miguel, my family's friend, Miguel, down in Miami over the weekend. I check him, but I'm going to call him. He's like 68, 69. So I call him time to time. Say hello. And he was, he said that he was thinking about my, out of the blue. out of fucking blue we're talking

I check on him for him not because of anything else and he goes hey it's funny you called I was thinking about your mom this morning what's that stupid fucking song she used to play with you and I started laughing like I want to be around by Tony Bennett because that's right that's right she goes you know why that she really liked that song so much

I go yeah something about the fucking my father fell in love with the song and he sang it to my mom all the time and after she died he always got emotional she goes that's bullshit your father used to sing it to you he goes look it up I think that song came out the day you were born

oh shit really I go what are you talking about he goes yeah it was on the radio and your dad heard it he goes check it out so I'm like I don't think so I think this song is like 1968 it could be 1970 I don't fucking know sure enough I Wikipedia came out February 18th 16th 1963 wow

so it's weird that he died and this is the song he always sang to me, you know, or he played for me or whatever. I want to be around. So that's why I've always believed that he always watched me, not because of the song or watched over me, not watch me. Yeah, that's really cool. Yeah, I just found out this fucking weekend by mistake, just for calling somebody and saying hello cuck sucker, you know what I'm saying?

Wow. And I'll tell you what, man. I mean, it must be more now. I mean, it would always matter a lot because it was your mom, but I mean, your dad hadn't seen him since you were too. Right? Three. Three.

And I never met my dad. I don't remember meeting them. You know, I just, and now, in hindsight, when I do my own psychotherapy and my own psychology, that's what it fucked me up early on. That was the real shock I had, was the death. I don't think that we feel death after when somebody's young. Oh, yeah. When somebody dies and we're four or five and we really don't remember and we really can't focus on it on what's death. but not seeing the person, I think is the PTSD part of it.

That's the shock that I never thought that everything in our life really affects you somewhere along the lawn later on. But it really does. And over the years, I realized that my first insecurity, all that was created by my father just disappearing one day and not coming back. Because my mom said something to me pretty funny one day. She said, not funny, but she goes, you know, after your dad died for about two or three years, is every time the door open you look at the door yeah because you thought it was him that's got be shocking for you that somebody's not there it's like a big disappointment for you and i saw pictures of him you know and whatever and i think about him at times and sometimes before i go on

stage i ask him for love or warmth or whatever you know i don't know why i've always felt that he's watched over me i was i had that instilled in my head and i'm sure there's a lot of people that your parents say your grandparents are looking over you or your grandfathers looking over you or something you know so now i know your parents were in to, they weren't bad people, but they were into like the numbers and they did stuff like that. Do you ever think? I mean, it's pointless to think about it, but I mean, you must have thought

about it. Like, where do you think you would have ended up if your mom and your dad had, like, let's say they were still alive and, like, how do you think your life would have gone? I don't know. I've never really gave that much thought. Really? What would have happened if my dad would have lived?

I'd know if my mom would have lived, I would have been a softer man. I would have been a, I would have had a life safety net. You know, there's people that want the safety net, and there's people that can't get, can't wait to get away from the nest. You know, I have a friend that's young,

he's your age, and every time I talk to him, he'll tell me about his plans, but then he'll go, I got to work my mother over to get the money from her. You know, because he's always a other job. He's a young kid, you know. That means he's still attached to that nest. There's still no fucking. He doesn't live at the house with his mother no more,

but she still pays for his school. I see your parents paying for the school, but you're paying for your own apartment your car payment your food you know what I'm saying they they feel obliged and that's the only thing I think that really changed my life to be fucking more aggressive was that the

safety net of even having a family was removed yeah that you can't spend the night somewhere that that knowing that that's that was fucked up for me for years knowing that there's no safety net you know I just finished a chapter in the book of the night that made me leave

the night that I always knew I had money in my pocket finally after six or seven months of sleeping on Georgie's floor. I finally had money in my pocket and I had a chance to leave and get the fuck out of it. Now I wanted to start fucking around. I wasn't doing blow. I wanted to start fucking around and I put a date to leave and there was a night before and I was like maybe I won't leave. Maybe I'll stay in month. Maybe I go back to Colorado in September and all of a sudden I bumped into that cop Julio who called the podcast. He said he was working for my phone. and I bumped into a girl outside that said somebody else

that's seeing me robbing their house. And I remember, you know, getting in the car the next day and going to the airport and seeing the guy that was my godfather that was hunting, and he was hunting me down for like $3,000 or $4,000. I don't know who the fuck knows and who remembers. But who's ain't fucking talking about? You know what the fuck I'm talking about? What the fuck you're looking at me for a league?

About going back to Colorado and not relying on your parents? Not relying on them. You know, we always have like this safety net. I never had that safety net. So it made me play for keeps at an early age. Yeah. Some people play for keeps, not until they're 30, not until they're really released from the house, you know. Yeah.

Playing for keeps at an early age gives you a young edge. But then again, I always played for keeps. I don't know why. Yesterday I got on the plane, I got upgraded to first class on American. That's why I fly. Burke Chrys always says fly the same people. They'll upgrade you all the time. And they really fucking do.

and this was the first class I had been on that I went to the back room they had mince in there and they had a flour and they put like little things in there and I was like wow when I left I told I sat down first and I was a little high I had a Cheebo Chew some kid gave me a pot cookie I had some good edibles in Boston too some guy made a smores crunch that fucked me up

well they just made it legal for medical there oh my god I had some good fucking edibles up there so I'm sitting and I was thinking about a time and I was flying to Puerto Rico with Juan and my mom I must have been six, maybe seven, young fucking kid, and I was already into the hostel. I already knew I was already selling

glute of Sticky Charlie on 148th Street. You know, I would try to clean people's shoes at the bar. I would play congas for money, for a dollar. I was always trying to bang a dollar out of somebody. Yeah. And I went to the bathroom to pee, and I saw it in those days they used to have colognes and shampoos and hand creams on first class in the bathroom.

You could just, either sample one or take it. I saw that and I go, oh my God, I could take those and sell those on the fucking street. So I went back to my seat and I got the puke bag. Yeah. And I went back into the bag to my pukalona

and I took all the little perfumes and put them in the puke bag and walked out of it with them in my jacket. Only the one I opened, I left open. So it dripped in the fucking puke bag. So we're walking off the plane, I went into the terminal and Puerto Rico and walking down the fucking terminal

and all of a sudden the bag breaks and all those bottles, hit the floor and they all break. And my mom and stepdad, look at me, and they just walk away from me. They just walk the fuck away from me, especially my mom. She was like, are you fucking?

She just walked. And I kept running to her going, Mommy, Mommy, she's like, don't know fucking mommy's here. Fuck you. You're fucking retarded. What is wrong with you? And I remember her getting the outside and smacking me and going to what the fuck is?

What were you going to do with these threats? And I told us, I was I selling for a dollar piece. And then I could see the look on her face that she was mad, but she wasn't mad anymore. She's like, I get it. You're a fucking wheeler dealer. Okay, you know, it's in your blood. What do you want me to do?

You know, she giggled and she laughed. But that shit was always me. Yeah. That's who I was at that age. You know, I just always had that movement in me. Yeah, I put a sign-up at the end of my driveway. I had a Lee's weeding. I had an idea that if someone wanted to search something on the internet,

I'd print an out for him for a dollar. And that was one of the things that I was grateful for. When I was 16, my dad gave me a credit. card wasn't his credit card is my credit card and he said you can have this but the first month you can't pay your bill i'm taking it away because i pay my bill every month i bought my only i've always bought a car my parents never bought me a car i've never taken they help me out with the college loans like that was part of a deal like we split it but i always i never take money i've never taken money from them for rent and it uh it's just a pride yeah yeah yeah it's a pride

I would feel I'd feel bad doing especially because I know now they can't do it before they probably could but And it also it makes me feel like I could handle it more like I I know there's some people who have to take it So I'm not saying you're a bad person if you do take it but I've always been proud of it's always been something I've been proud of that I've never had to Call home and ask for money for rent that month or it's a Even when I probably should have it was it's always been a sense of pride for me that I haven't had to do it's a sense of pride just doing something for yourself yeah like that guys I'm not gonna lie to you I loved to but up to the time I was 27 I got arrested I slept on people's couches I was a fucking mooch I was a fucking mooch I'm not gonna lie to nobody

didn't tell you I wasn't my whole life was blow and going out and you know and I would if Lee said to me go you could stay here on the couch and help out I would stay on the couch I'd clean I'd never give Lee a dollar in those days If I brought Leah and Grandma Blow and we did three lines, that was helping them out. You know, I didn't know anything about that. I was a fucking mooch. I didn't know. And I always did, you know, this thing I'm writing was about the money I owed.

You know, I was just a piece of shit. I was just a piece. You know, and there was a few that I didn't burn. But for the most part, I burned everybody. You know, I didn't burn the people who I knew loved me, the lubes and the George's. But if I had a doubt with you in those days, shit. Just a doubt. Just a doubt.

If somebody came to me and said, bro, I went to a bar and heard of them talking shit, I'd wait until you started selling coke. I'd fucking nail you. I'd pay you the first time. I'd set you up, why not? But in hindsight, in retrospect, you know, and now I think about how much of a piece of shit I was. I mean, I didn't have one person looking for me or two people looking for me.

I had 40 people looking for me, lady. That has to be stressful. I had 40 people looking for me. Now that I did the notes and did the thing and the chapters and I'm writing and I'm really writing the people out. I didn't write all 40 people. But at that time, I couldn't go nowhere. You know how bad it is to live like that?

And then every other day, but every other day I would bump into a grape. Every other day I'd bump into somebody who was getting started and selling coke. And I'd work them all over. And then you had them in between. You had like six people that was starting to sell coke. And it was just beautiful to see that people were that vulnerable, that I was that vulnerable. I couldn't fucking believe it. Even people who got warned, like, hey, man, don't fuck with him.

They would fuck with me. Oh, no, I got an alarm system. What? What? I'm not an alarm system. That's 10 minutes until the cops get there. And even ADT, I know where your shit is. You got a safe.

What do you think I'm going to fucking open the safe? I'm taking that motherfucker to go. We'll open that shit later. What's up, Lisa? You bad motherfucker. I'm feeling good today. I'm back on the fucking on it. The alpha brains,

because I give it a break from time to time, so I don't get fired up. At least, still having drank soda. You know the only soda I was drinking for a month was when I do the podcast with you at the old office. Oh, really? Okay. That's it.

Still no soda. My wife has said something. She goes, you know, there's still the soda. I don't want to drink out of a can when my daughter's getting able to see what the fuck's going on. Really? Soda was a big part of my life, man, you know, soda and bubble gum.

You know, I used to swallow guns. I still swallow fucking gum. Really? Yeah, I'll swallow 10 packs. I don't know. I don't know. I don't fucking know why. I just swallow gum like a motherfucker.

When I was a kid, I'd buy 10 packs of gum and swallow every fucking piece. My mother was, sometimes I find like gum in my ass, but not a lot. It disintegrates. I don't know where the fuck it goes. Sometimes I'll find a little piece that gets sticky like the residue of the gum. Oh yeah. And I drank soda because my mother had the bar. I drank bottles of fucking soda.

Bottles of soda. That had to throw my fucking sugary thing off at an early age. That's why these kids are fat, because they're getting bombarded with sugar at the age of five. Bombarded. Doesn't take a fucking genius to see that this is what the fuck's going on. This is why kids are walking around. They're six and they look like me.

They're fucking fat little fucks. And that's, I don't want to drink soda in front of it. I don't want to put a can to my lips. So I told my wife, listen, eliminate those sodas. Because once she starts getting old, it's green tea, teas, juices, You know, that's one thing that you could. I didn't do it, guys. I didn't do it.

I'm not going to, I started drinking fucking water eight years ago. I didn't drink water before then. I'm not going to lie to nobody and tell you. I drank water only once. You know when I used to drink water? When you work out? At the end of Chinese food. Yeah, you know, like the brown glass.

That white glass that they give you, the water's always good at the Chinese restaurant. After you eat like, Setsuan beef or something, you drink the soda, you relax, you eat some more noodles to get salty. and then I drink a big glass of water but besides that guys I never drank water and what a fucking mistake it is water will keep you the fuck alive I just can't fucking believe it I'm trying it's hard because like the

caffeine and the taste but it's uh I didn't like water in the morning because I don't like that tit hitting my stomach but Doche made a great point it kicks up in your metabolism and washes down the cat the toxins and so you know what

now I'm used to it when I get up and I'm going to have a glass of coffee and right after I have water Then I'm starting with green tea. When I get home now, it's green tea there is to the fucking name and water. I'm trying, guys. It makes your skin look better. I got these holes in my fucking head.

You know, you got to help out. I'm not fucking... I didn't do that. I didn't fucking do that. I just popped back. I just imagine you in front of the mirror. And I'm done. The fuck is wrong with you.

You know, the men of men. I got no time to be sitting there fucking putting dopedi door on my head. I just got to put that faggy shit in there to calm it down because it's not. I look like a fucking one of those Jews with the Jew fro. I got a Jew's broke, baby. I love it. In my world, it's a spick pro, me too frown.

What is a fucking Jew pro? Cucksucker. I have no hair. I have no hair. How would you? I never had a poofy hair. But it's not hair. It's what you do with that fucking hair.

You got a nice hair, do? I wish I had your little fucking head, do. I would dope that motherfucker up with some moose. I would cut the sideburns, pointy. Pointy? It looks like Barnabus Collins with like a fucking thing at the end. Forget about it. You're a handsome guy.

I'd shaved this. fucking Jew bush over here and I just leave the goatee Lee Oh no you wouldn't be 25 You walk around sometimes I see hair On your neck it's growing under your ear It grows everywhere over the top of my head It's terrible

You gotta fucking shave that shit You gotta get like a point of it like what you want I thought you ran with Dollar Shave Club I do Shave Club is fucking tremendous Let's talk about this shit right now Before I got a minute Because I got like six people Dollar Shave Club is the fucking real deal

That's what the fucking menus I am sold on Dollar Shave Club I have no other raises in my house It's what I travel It's what's in my Fucking travel bag It's what's in my fucking house I've got cartridges

Fucking everywhere Because the blades are so good You don't go through them Once a week unless you're built Like fucking Lee You got the face of your Werewool's fucking nephew Go to Dollar Shave Club.com

And pick one of the packages $1, $6 and $9 You can't fucking lose I don't know what the breakdown is on them But you cannot lose They also have the The fucking What do you call it?

The One Wipe Charlie's The One Wipe Charlie's I take the those on the road sometimes. Just as a quick cleaning, your muffler, you got it. Because you get that little

those barnacles that settle around your little asshole and you got to just pop them out sometimes. You can stick that one fucking wipe Charlie with your finger up in that motherfucker it. It's like using an old pencil sharpening.

Oh yeah. It feels good on the... It does. In front, too. I don't know why I'm shy about saying it feels good on the balls too, especially after like a long day. Yeah, yeah, it's cold.

You don't like taking showers. You think that you could just wipe your balls. No, no, no, no. I take a shower. But sometimes you can't take a shower in the middle of the day. You're running around. I have two or three podcasts. I'll go home.

Do a warm-up Charlie on the balls? Feels great. No, no, no, no. Right. That warm-up Charlie and the balls, that's two minutes. You're going to take a shower in two minutes. And put some real water into that motherfucker and scoop those fucking nuts up. I got nothing against one-wife Charlie's.

But when it comes to your nuts, you got to keep those motherfuckers refreshed. You take multiple showers a day? Sure, because one-white Charlie, what's that doing? That's putting peppermint on fucking sweat. You ever smell somebody who puts fucking soap on a new shirt on soap? on sweat. Yesterday, the cab driver on the way of the fucking airport. I'm sure. He was fucking filthy.

He wasn't dirty, but I could smell sweat and he put his clothes over it. That's it. It's like the guy at the fucking at the mall up here, Sherman Oaks, the Colon guy. That guy hasn't put Colon on his whole life. I could smell the onions coming from the fucking booth. He's some fucking Arabian or something giving away free samples of Colon. He should

wipe him on his own fucking neck. He smells fucking horrible. I wish I was trying to be funny, bro. Go to the Sherman Oaks fucking Galleria. That's name of it yeah go by the fucking chocolate thing there's a there's a coffee bean there's a cologne stand walk towards that gloom stand tell me what you smell it ain't fucking cologne it's like a hot dog it smells like fucking onions and peppers that motherfucker then he sells cologne but he don't wear

fucking cologne the guy I took a whiff of that motherfucker yesterday he was booting from the 50 yard line he was stinking up a storm yesterday you know what time it is it's fucking go me time cucksuck go for it go we're a true we're a double yeah I got to go to that I can't A little piece ain't gonna kill you. Yes, it is. It's good blood. What'd you do?

You didn't move around this way. You did none. You didn't get an umbrella. You didn't fucking walk with your girlfriend walking around. We did. No, I know we did actually. Where'd you go? I love my new place because you can walk.

I'm like half a mile from Ventura Boulevard. There's a sandwich place on the corner. There's an Italian place in the corner. What's not an Italian place? Pagliacci's. I love it. That's why I moved it. I love being a walk around.

It's a little piece. That's a little piece. Look how well. That's a corner. to do that's a little piece right you know I'll do it I'll do a Tuesday night I'm not doing that day today there you go you're gonna wake up cutoff with you a little more today I'm not what you're more today you're a little that's a quarter stop crying that I won't even do nothing to you'll be you won't even be high by the time you leave him

cock suck it's good go me it's a good one today it's fresh it's a fash mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-it's red I respect for the red socks I take care you leave Nobody takes care you like me, motherfucker. What are you hot about? What are you hot about? It's Monday. Everyone's stay up the four or five today. It's fucking Monday.

It's fucking Monday. If you're not going to get up and have the attitude that you're going to kill somebody, you're going to get fucking eating up alive out there. People ain't fucking around no more. People out of work. People selling weed. It's bad out there. It's snowing.

People banging their fucking cars. So if you're in awake and you ain't making it happen today, it's going to be a long fucking day for you today. I got a hell of a fucking day today, Lee. What are you doing today? I'm doing everything. I got to go to Hollywood. I got a fucking voiceovers.

I'm going to go to kettlebell gym. Did you do that class, the voiceover class? Nah, because I was gone. Three of the fucking Thursdays. Oh, okay. You know, I'm gone this Wednesday. I was gone last Wednesday, and I'm gone next Wednesday. So the class was only two fucking Wednesdays.

It was $459 fucking dollars. She kept trying to call me. I'm like, I can't do the last three classes. I thought she were prorated. That bitch didn't want to pro rite. Oh, Jesus. She's like, no, you're still going to pay $4.50. I can't pay $4.59 for two classes.

She was like, well, I'll give you the other written stuff. I want to do it. I want to live it. an audition last week in Hollywood and I saw a sign for a different voiceover place to have classes. And then our classes, they're workshops. It's a two, three hour workshop. Yeah.

I mean, I got a good voice. I've used it from stand-up. Now I just got to learn how to put the acting into the voice. I don't know how to connect the acting into the voice. That's the whole transition. You know, I've been trying to watch cartoons to learn. I tried to watch Cloudy with chances of meatballs, whatever the fuck it is. I watched Captain Phillips

How was that? I enjoyed it You know, I forgot about how good Tom Hanks was Yeah, he's pretty great Tom Hanks is in two or three of my all-time favorite movies And I got pissed at Tom Hacks Because he cried on the Oscars that year

When he won for Philadelphia, I didn't like that shit I banned him for like four years I've never watched the one with him When he played the retarded soldier Gump, I've never watched that shit Because he's still on boycott He's still on boycott Because Philadelphia was a great

movie. He was great with Denzel Washington. He's great and fucking big. He's in one of my all-time favorite movies motherfucking splash. That's one of my all-time favorite movies. Again, another tank opposite my idol, John Candy. He's in Punchline that he broke down stand-up comedy. This is a picture

him as a young comic at the comedy store. Really? Yeah, he didn't comedy? Yes, he used to do stand-up comedy. Jesus. All the grades did, because you've got to test that fucking thing. It's like jumping out of a plane one time. You ever jump out of a plane one time? You ever jump out of a play? I don't know. I'd love to, though. That's the problem. We're going to go jump out of a play. I would totally do that.

You wouldn't fucking do. You'd be crying, holding on to me, begging me that you eat any amount of edibles and you shit. No, no, I thought that I... When I was young, you know when you can skydive, but you can attach, like, a little surfboard to your skateboard to your feet?

I thought that was the coolest thing in the world. I would totally do that. What are you going to silver surfers around the world? Yeah, no, no, but they haven't. You can do, like, flips. Oh, that seemed like the coolest thing in the world to me. I don't know what it's called, and I don't even know if they still do it,

but... I've never snowboard or anything. and like that. I lived out of Colorado when snowboard and got popular. I got good on skis, but I never got good on snowboard.

As far as the skateboard, I don't like hitting concrete. That's not one of my favorite things. Writing a skateboard is fucking hard. Oh, I can't skateboard. I just don't like... I do one push

and I'm done... And I'm not doing no loop-de-lops off a wall. I'm not making skateboards fly out of my from under my feet. I'm scared of all that shit. All I want to do is get from point A to point it was down the hill. That's the other reason why

like skateboards because now I got to carry the fucking skateboard up the fucking hill. Fuck you, that's no fun. Yeah. Going down hill. Everybody wants to do that. You gotta pay somebody. Carry it up for you. You pay them.

Carry you up the fucking hill. I love it. I don't like that shit. I like skiing. I didn't like go to the other shit. What's going on with this week? League? You got podcast.

You got Jerry Rocha. Got Jerry Rocha. Got Rick Ramos tomorrow. I got Josh Wolf. What's Rick Ramos covering this week? I think we're going to do Quinn Tarantino since we had to postpon it for Harold Raymers last week. You're a big quitting Tarantino.

I am and I understand A lot of people dislike him Because he, they say he steals From other movies Which he does I mean he does You know this for like me I mean I've never saw him stealing

I saw him get inspired by other movies They have TV shows where they like Show one scene from this Asian movie Then they show the reservoir dogs and how it's How it looks the same And I understand that But they have a They have a

A category in the Oscars Adaptive screenplay. When that means that you adapted it from a different story. And yes, a lot of some of this stuff has been adapted and it's very similar.

But one thing I love about it is I love good writing. So even if you stole some of the main plot points, you can tell when you're watching a Quinn Tarantino movie. The writing, he is a very unique writing style. I enjoy it.

He had the same editor up until a few years. ago once you passed away. I like seeing that. So I really like his movies. I watched Jackie Brown and I didn't, I, that's one I didn't enjoy. Why didn't you like Jackie Brown? What was the problem there? It was it was too

Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. One second, this could be the man of steel trying to call on the fucking show. You know, so let's see if this is him and shit. I got Skype up right now. Excuse me, people, we don't know what the fuck's going on today with our guest.

Yo. All right, brother. I'm here waiting. Bye. I made man Matt Fultron's calling it. He was on Carson's Daily last week. I taped it, but I didn't watch it. I was going to watch it last night, and I was fucking tired.

Yeah. I got good sleep in Boston, the seafood, the sleep, the air. So you're very good with movies also, Lee. I see that you're a student of the game in a lot of aspects. I love it. And I would have loved to have work on movies. It's even harder to get into than TV. but while we're waiting quickly for his call

it was too slow for me and it was too predictable I like the twist and turns in Tarantino's movies here we go Matt motherfucking Fultron Oh shit What up What's up with you buddy?

Where the fuck you've been at? Doing good Talk to me I've been around the country Rocking Mike's I've been in LA in February I've been missing me to fly in Judeo I'll tell you that I missed you, buddy.

I went and saw Sickler on Saturday night because I saw you on the bill, but you weren't there on the first show. They put me in the main room for some reason, dude. I'm going to get you're a fucking savage. You had Carson Daly last week. You're making moves. Look at you.

You're like Tony Montana. You're making moves without Frank Lopez now. Look at you. It's getting dangerous. Good for you. I need to be careful. How did you get Carson Daly? How did that go about?

Carson Daily They just called me out of the blue And it's a really cool show to do Because all you do Is go to the Ice House And tape a 10 minutes set They don't even care what you do And then they just cut it down

To two and a half And I do a little interview It's a fucking piece of cake, man It's the way to do TV I wish all shows were like that Well congratulations man You know I'm always proud of you When I saw that you posted

I said look at one of the fucking dogs Making it happen and shit Yeah yeah Yeah, it aired last fucking week, you know, at like two in the morning. So no one really saw it, but I'm going to put it online this week. It's going to come out online, so I'm going to post it out, and it's going to look good. You've seen it. It looks good. You know, it's amazing how when we start getting stuff, it's always they put it at times.

Like, for years, every time I got a movie, I was always the first scene of the fucking movie with credits rolling through it. Yeah, exactly. So you get a TV spot, but it comes on at 2 and shit. Wait up until 2. that means 515 on the East Coast and shit So it's kind of weird But I still love it man I know where to go

I know what you go through And I know what I know And you know ultimately you know It's not about what it is It's that People see it online That's how it works nowadays Well the whole thing is

One is that people see it But the most important thing is that you hit an accomplishment Doing what you love Yeah I know I know it feels good man And that's For me to see a friend of mine making strides because that's the you know it's not it's not

let them in but it's on the way to let them yeah no feels good i haven't done anything on tv for like three years so i feel like that that resurgence you know when you because i got a bunch of new material now i feel like that savage that you've told me i always am you know dog you are a you are a fucking savage i mean uh you're one of the few guys that at your age you are who you are, which is very seldom seen in this town in this industry. You really are. You really are who you are, and you're very likable, and I know

1,000 people that when your name pops up, they got a smile on their face genuinely, because that's what you bring to the party. You're the real fucking deal. Thanks, man. You always been good to me, Joey. That's for sure. You know, there's some people that... You've got to have them around because they bring Coke, or they got the microphone, or they bring the beer. You're the type of motherfucker, you don't got to bring nothing.

You just got to show up. Everything's going to be there taking care for you because you're sincere and your heart's in the right place. What else has been going on? What's your next fucking venture? Talk to me. I'm doing Alaska with Daniel Tosh this weekend. That's going to be fucking awesome, dude. I can't wait for that.

Damn. I'm doing the Chicago Improv. I'm headlining that on Sunday the 16th of March. I'm headlining in West Palm Beach and Florida on the 20th of March. I need people to come out and see me. Now, when are you getting to Chicago, that Sunday morning, or you'll be there all week?

I'll be getting there on Friday morning, you know, because I'll be able to for Burr-Cresher all weekend. Okay, I'm in Chicago that weekend. You're at Zanies, and I'm at Zanis. Oh, yeah, I think I'm like, we're opposite you. I think it's like, it's like fucking. No, that's out there. That's an hour away. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, you'll be in Zanis with Bert Friday and Saturday, and I'll be opposite you. So you're at one club Friday night? Oh, so you're at the improv all weekend. Yeah, yeah. Okay. You're a janey's right. Yeah, you're an hour from me. You're an hour from me.

Yeah, we're not even going to be further away out there. Yeah. You know, I like that club out there, but the owner was fucking, he kept watching us. Like, I went there with Rogan, and the audience was stiff. We came out to Bob Marley, and the audience just fucking sat there and stared at us. We were trying. That's why I ate the edible when I got the heart attack. that's why I got like a mild heart attack there or something

something happened to me I wasn't doing blow either that's the crazy thing I wasn't doing blow I went back to my room and the next morning I woke up and I was seeing cross-eyed and fucking I couldn't focus and I went back to the yeah and I had to go to the doctor go ahead I'm sorry Jesus Christ sounds like a fun club dude

but it was crazy you're in the you're in the city, right? Yeah, I'm in the city. I'm at Zanis, Rosemey, and the other Zanies in the city, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Saturday. Yeah, Al Capone, that dog, I got to do it. But, hey, Illinois is Illinois, man. Chicago's fucking Chicago, man. You know, you still got a sauce, there's still a hot beef sandwich somewhere close to you. Fucking goddamn right. Give me my pizza thick, bitch. I love it. It's so funny, because in similar ways, we both came up the same way. You work on your own,

your friends have you help out sometimes, which is a smaller club. And then the fucking king of swing, Daniel Taj calls you to sell like a fucking theater. So you're in three different realms of your life. And then you're at the comedy store on a Sunday night and you're asking yourself, when should I pull the trigger?

Fucking now or tomorrow? Yeah. It's like am I even in this business? And it's like, yeah, just wait four fucking days. And they'll be in the business again. It's so weird. One weekend you're working with Daniel Taj. you go down to the airport,

you get to the American line, you got a priority ticket, you got a first class ticket, you're walking through with white people, Japanese people are bowing at you. You know, you get on the fucking first class, they're offering you orange juice, and then you're feature for somebody,

and that's okay, too. You know, you don't have a first class ticket, but you're sitting there back in the Expedia area with a bunch of people with handcuffs on and shit, you know, what's the Expedia ticket? And then you got when you work by yourself where it's a fucking debt, you fly fucking standby,

you're on Southwest. Yeah, you got to take six flights by yourself on. You got to take the fucking Southwest Tour of the Nation. $69, $18 stops. I was there one time waiting for a standby ticket to work out. Come on. I had a fucking a check. I just made some money.

But, you know, it wasn't in the bank. It was checking my wallet. So I had to get a taxi out to the city, deposit the check, come back and buy a fucking ticket. because the standby ticket wasn't working out. That's what I'm talking about. I remember when you had to go to, what's the, and when I moved here was when the beginning of the expedient thing came,

where they had, you know, you could buy the discount tickets. A discount ticket place in L.A. was across the street from the fucking airport. And if you didn't have a credit card, you had to go down there and stay online and get the plane ticket. And if you fucking were late for that plane ticket or you had to change your,

day oh it cost you like 9000 fucking dollars to fly that sucked that and I if you couldn't get online you had to stand online you had to stand online the fucking bitch and you had to go down there early because that's when it was quick like nobody went down there early for a plane ticket so you had to go yeah it opened at eight so sometimes your flight was at two you had to get there at 801 then sit at the airport for six hours to your flight you have no fuck I remember I sat in Amarillo, Texas one time.

I waited through, I probably was there 12 hours getting free plane ticket from Southwest. Yeah. Because there was like a tornado somewhere.

So they kept saying if you sit back, we'll give you $300 voucher. I took vouchers all day fucking long way. Oh, good for you, man. That's what you do

as a comic sometimes. You got to play Jew. Sometimes you got to roll over and play Jew. That's a Jew move. Yes. You go Jew on the way home. You go Jew on the way home.

You go Jew on the way home. your shoplift sandwiches from fucking that place. Or you know how much shoplifting I used to do with fucking airports? Oh. Tell me. And oh my God. I used to bury fucking, I used to, oh, my God. What about the, how many buses have you taken?

You know, I haven't taken any buses. I was going to take a Greyhound this year from Tennessee to Lowellville, but then somebody stepped in, got intervened, and saved me from the Greyhound. I'm always bluffing, but I always get saved. Let me tell you something. For about a year and a half. For about a year and a half, my fortune, I lived on a fucking greyhound. Oh.

And I would take it from Montreal to Toronto, from Toronto to Buffalo. And I swear to God, I would call the airline. If the airline plane ticket was too much, I'd get right on. I only took a train once. I thought the train was the worst experience ever. If you take an Amtrak like a Puerto Rican, yeah, because they have different. different levels if you get the little box in your sleep it's not bad with the room but if you got to sit there the box costs more than like an airplane ticket

yeah the box costs more an airplane ticket but if you got to sit there opposite people strangers and try to fall asleep and then go into the cargo thing I didn't have the $12 yeah no it's awful dude I thought it'd be cool because I was like oh it'll be a place to stay and a ride to New York but it was a fucking dumb idea man. It's awful. And you could get out and smoke dope real quick.

The train almost left me one time. Oh, you have no fucking idea. I used to smoke dope. I used to pull, when they pulled over at those greyhounds,

man, for 45 minutes to get lunch. Well, that is the upside. That is the upside of the train. You can bring you dope if you want. Oh, the train and the fucking bus.

You know, it's amazing when you start out calmly how you fucking go from your car to the bus, then the evolution goes to the plane, and then you eliminate buses.

completely. Yeah. And now I just fucking fly everywhere. I refuse to drive. Oh, my God. I can never get back on the car and do six hours again. Nah, those days are done.

Yeah, six hours sucks, man. Yeah, I just drove to Arizona in fucking January. Got pulled over and everything, dude. Yeah, that right, sucks. The guy let me off. I said I was a comedian.

He fucking let me off. He was talking about all these cool people he pulled over, like, like, cheerleaders from the Lakers and fucking, He was bragging about all the cool people. And he said he was going to come to the show and everything. I was like, what the fuck is this? It's a candid camera.

It's, uh, it really is crazy. Like when you get started in comedy, the forms of, uh, transportation you need to take. I took a job for Judy Brown one time, a lady who runs levity. She used to book a room and veil. And it was $35 to MC, no hotel. And I had to sleep on my fucking car.

And on the way home, I went to, it was so cold. I went to start the car and like the fan belt blew up. right there on the hill bro and I drove that car down the hill it was amazing I rolled it down the hill it was fucking and I left it there and three days later that's one of the first things I saw you talk about

on stage was just you getting I think it was a triple run story where you just got out of the car and just started hitchhiking yeah you just abandoned ship yeah there's no reason to sit there and hold your property just put it on the trunk and abandon ship it'll be there in two days it'll be at a pound I mean there's something

it's so weird when you get into comment think of those times and I thought about quitting, but you know that there's something at the end of the rainbow, you know, when you're on a bus and it's 12 hours to Dallas and you're like, Jesus fucking Christ, what happened to my life? Yeah, you always go through

stuff like that and you always want to quit, but if you're into it, you never stay quit. Another couple days rolls around, you get bored, you got to do, you got to go back up there. That's all there is to it. You know, I always talk about...

I've done... of those triple runs too man i've done a lot of them i would do one of those with some i would do one of those with you for a goof just to have a good time just like if you were going to write an hbo special take somebody you really dig that's a good rider and go listen i'm going to give you my fucking money just take the ride with me for three weeks yeah we just film it you know you just film it or do you know like you're saying do it for the hbbyo special like that's a beast though man that's driving all day every day that's fucking eight hours a day of driving for no money yeah and especially no it's four

it's $4 a fucking gallon, you know. But one thing I was going to mention to you that I know it happens to you because you're a pretty deep guy. You know, when you're a comic, you have to think. And that's what, sometimes it's the hard part of being a comic that you're at an airport for six hours or you're an airport for four hours or something

or you're in a car for 10 hours. And you could think about your career for two. You could think about your jokes. But after like three hours, you start thinking about your life. Yeah. And you focus on it. Like, it's quiet. You know, you have no, you surrender your mind, you know, there's no TV, you know, your battery's dying on your phone or whatever the fuck it is.

And you start playing with your mind and you think about your life and where it's going. And it's a lot of people don't get to do that every week. Yeah, there's a lot of reality at 5.30 a.m. at the gate, at the gate 52 when you were just waiting for that plane. You know, there's just nothing to do, like you said, but just sit there with your own thought. that's true man you know you really got to check up on your skeletons because every once in a while they they check up on you and that's the time to do them that's what happens you check it on you check it on you check it on your skeletons and you're like what the fuck happened to that you know remember that it's so weird how even yesterday i was on a six hour fucking flight you're on the computer for two

hours you watch captain phillips you still got two motherfucking hours you know you can just listen to so much fucking music before you're forced to think about your life and what's happened where you've been and you think about dates like oh my god it's 30 years since that day i can't believe 30 years past and i remember yesterday i was i was driving up to 405 i was thinking about i'm like man that was a great playing right because i got to check out my skeletons and they're doing just fine they're still there they're intact and they're ready to attack if i don't check on them you know as soon as i land on the west coast baby those skeletons are coming right back No, and they don't come back, but it's so weird that those skeletons are the reason you're getting on that plane sometimes.

The skeletons on the reason that we do this fucking comedy or the reasons that we do part of the thing as we do our actions, because those skeletons fucking mold you, you know? So it's fucking hysterical this shit that goes through my mind. Like I was just telling Lee the story about me robbing a, I went on a plane one time. It was a first class flight to Puerto Rico with my family, and they used to put perfumes in the airport, in the airplane batch. in those days like little hand creams and I took the peop bag and I filled it up with all the perfumes I was going to sell them when I got back to New York City on the street like a like a and the bag broke like I didn't fucking remember that story I never think remembered that story that was

down in the fucking ditches of my brain because the story was painful because my parents walked away from my mom was at the apple going don't even get close to me you're embarrassing me then later on I could see where her joy came in by going what were you going to do with those And I'm like, I was going to sell them. Make a little fucking hustle. And she was like, you know what? You're not that bad. You're all right.

You're seven. You're thinking of selling fucking perfumes already. You're a good kid. You got interests and shit. You're a business, man. So what's next for my main man, brother? Tell me something good. Oh, dude, I'm just fucking, I'm doing it.

I'm happy to be doing it. The stand-up and shit. I'll struggle in there for a little bit. And I feel like it's just really back up and running. And I feel good, man. I got a lot of dates on the calendar this year, and I'm just fucking excited to do him, man. I can't wait.

Okay. You know? Well, if anything comes along my way, bro, you know, I always call you, especially if we're local, because I love you to debt, so. Oh, yeah, I love doing that shit, man. I love working with you.

Lee always comes by, goof off. He had a good time. Get some ranch dressing. Fucking Lee loves ranch dressing. No, I do. Lee loves it. He loves it, though. This motherfucker has jars of it in this house.

And he mixes it with hummus. That's what he makes... You know this fucking asshole must stink like it? How can you work with this guy, man? Because I love him. You know why, bro? He's a solid Jew. He's the last of the real Jews, though.

This guy won't stab Jesus in the heart, but he'll spit on him. You know what I'm saying? And I like that quality of a Jew. That's the quality I want a Jew. I don't want no fucking faggy Jews around. If you're going to be a fucking Jew, be a fucking Jew.

I don't like none of these faggy Jews. This kid works hard. He's got balls to steal. That's a skeleton, man. That he's a Jew. That's when you're Jewish, that's your skeleton. That you're a Jewish. That fucking, we were talking about that Jew guilt.

That's your skeleton. There's the Jew guilt. You know what you need to do to make it happen every day. They're in a fucking pair of sandals and a hello. I need $10 in my bank count because I'm getting banged. 38 cents a day every time I write a check. Jews go to the core of the matter. You know what I'm saying?

Jews ain't fucking around. Look at Lee's. Look at me like, why are you saying these things? Because it's true, Lee. Listen, man, you have to get it off your chest, just because it's true. I love these fucking Jews. How can you not love a Jew? I hate faggy Jews, and they walk around with that dope look on their face.

But these hacieds, these stinky motherfuckers, I love them. They got balls of steel. Who can all you with that, dude? You're right on the money. Matt Fulton, I love you, cocksucker. You know, you're always family here. When I thought about a Monday, I thought about you because you always make me happy, and you make the fucking people at home, happy, brother.

Dude, I love you, too. Thank you so much for having you. me on the show. Thanks for calling me and saying what's up every once while. I love it. I have to do that, man. You're making it happen. You make me proud. So thank you, brother. Love you. Thanks. Stay Jewish. Stay Jewish.

I will, man. I will. Stay blackish. See you guys. See you, brother. Later. Later, Coxuck. I want to give some shout-outs to my main man, Brian and China. You little Chinese motherfucker. You're a white guy walking around bound with

Andrew Belter, Corey Burton. Lady Jay, I love you. Thank you for that fucking hug. Toking Lear, Derek Yazwa, Randy Martin, and Josh Wallen. I love you, motherfuckers. Also, I want you to try something on it that I recently got a sample of

and I really liked. This Digest Tech, you should try it to fuck out, man. On it, don't fuck around. What does it do? I haven't heard of that one. The Digest Tech helps you with digestion. They have three different formulas. They have enzymes to help you break down the protein

until it's fullest, the carbs to us fullest, and the fucking fat still is fullest. Oh, cool. It's something I would never even try. I've eaten papaya enzymes to help with my digestion. But this I'm going to give it a try. Go to Onet.com, read about it. Go to Joey Diaz.net.

Go to Onet on my webpage and press. Church. Church. And get 10% off. Get put on the list and the whole fucking thing. I like to welcome escapodtank.com. They're going to hang in with us for another month. And I want to hang out with them.

They're a great product. They've already gotten some emails. People are very happy. Listen, I don't know about fucking flotation tanks. I can lie to you and blow smoke up. your ass. How I learn about it is the Rogan and what you people say to me. And I know one thing that the emails I've gotten from people,

they're happy with these people's prices. I don't know if they've bought anything yet. I don't know what they've done, but at least they've inquired for me. And they said that these people's prices are fucking superb. The quality of their flotation tanks are superb. Take a look. You can order them.

You save $3,000, $4,000. If you mention the church of what's happening, and now you save an additional $250, do what the fuck do you want to do with it, have them fly out and install the tank in your basement, wherever the fuck you want. Check out EscapePodtank.com. Today, this fucking,

wherever wrote this EscapePodtank.com, it's like a tongue twister in the morning when you smoked a few vapors. You know, I love you. Escape podtank.com for all your flotation tank fucking needs. Go to the web page, see what they got. They got industrial ones. They got personal ones.

They'll deliver them to your house. I'm telling you, it's a great company. How do I know? Because my people fucking tell me on there. The people who listen to this podcast, people I trust. You know, they tell me when something's kinky. In the beginning, we would get a sponsor. And these people would write me right away,

whether it was fucking those strawberries that came dead to your house or the fucking flowers that came dead. Fuck those fucking people, okay? They can suck my dick. If I'm going to have people on this podcast, it's because they provide a great service of a great price for me, and they save you fucking dull.

I'm not going to say, you know, a Chinese restaurant because there's Chinese people doing fucking loop-de-loops. I don't give a fuck about those motherfuckers. I give a fuck about ribs and roast pork-fried rice. If it's good and you got a good lunch special, that's where I go eat. That's my Jewish friends. Ask Ari. If in any city I fucking go, I don't take them to the best fucking value in the meal.

Yeah, sometimes you go to Ardy Morton's or sometimes you go to some fucking place because you hit the lottery or something like that. But for the most part, what I do here is give you the most bang for your buck. EscapePod Tank.com. Check them out. You get $250 off when you fucking mention me. You know, you fucking people piss me to fuck off. Dollar Shave Club, same thing.

A dollar, $6 and $9 a month. A month, I'm talking about. A month. $9 to get four fucking quality Razers sent right to your house. You don't have to leave the house. You're going to stand online. You're going to smell fucking disgusting people at CVS

and some other fucking pharmacy, wherever you buy razors. Why do you... So, go to fucking Dollar Shave Club.com, press in, church, in the fucking box. Go to Joey Diaz.com. And get your fucking savings on razors. You understand me?

I love it. Why do I get aggravated in the morning when I talk about these people? You know why? Because I'm sick of talking about these people because he's a quality products that you should already have in your goddamn house.

Anyway. That he's an emotional day. Speaking of emotional, just looking at Twitter, and a friend waterboxer, who I normally love, said that, just finishing up on Jackie Brown,

said Jackie Brown is a brilliant tribute to South L.A. It's not a tribute. It made South L.A. look like a terrible place to be. So I don't know what he's talking about. Maybe he was talking about Redondo Beach where the white chick lived.

Yeah, where the white, she was fucking hot. She was. She was fucking so hot. She was hot. That was probably my only favorite scene in the movie where Robert Dino shot her. He just explained to Samuel L. Jackson.

He's just like, you know, she kept bugging me. She wasn't listening to me. So, yeah, I had just, man, you couldn't hate her? I guess I could have. I enjoyed the movie. I don't think it's an Academy Award winner. Yeah. I went to see that.

Wasn't that the movie that came out Christmas Day or something? Am I? Yeah, that was one of those movies that came out Christmas Day, a Christmas week that year, 98, 99, around there. So I went to see that movie with a bunch of friends. I forget who the fuck I went to see it with. But I went to see it with Gavin. I went to see, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I came on Christmas 97. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with here, bro? You know, you people want to try and stunt me from time to time. I smoke reef and shit like that. But Uncle Joey still fucking has it. Speaking of entertainment and dates and movies and all that shit, another company I've never gotten to complain about since I've been working with them. and my wife loves him

and my wife is, you know, white and toughest can be is Huluplus.com. Movies, documentaries, at your fucking fingertips. You know, if you go to the webpage, what do you get? You get one week for free or $799 a month? Not me. I'm giving you two weeks for free

and $799 a month after that. Go to Huluplus.com or go to Joey Deers. Not net. Go to a Hulu Plus box and press. Joey. Joey. And get two weeks, not one. Two weeks for free. You can watch everything in those two weeks. You can binge on shows

You can do whatever the fuck you want At the end of the two weeks Trust me you'll be fucking emailing me Like everybody else thanking me For turning you on to Huluplus.com All the other shit It's time for that shit to go away Which we're here to save you money

And give you the best for the money How much is it a month? It's $799 a month How many times we gotta go over this shit With you people? Get it together today Go to Joey Diaz.net Look at the tour date See what I'm coming to town

San Jose in Michigan See what's fucking cracking Jersey this week Fucking Chicago the week after Why are you there? Stop at Hulu, please. Stop at Dollar Shave Club. At Hulu Plus, what's the code? Joey.

Joey. You know, what the fuck is wrong with you? You can find $7.99 in quarters in the little pay funds. The few payphones left. You can sign it on up your fucking ass at a couch. You know, $7.99 a month, and you get entertainment, you can binge on whole shows, documentaries, you know, TV shows, TV series. I mean, it's just a tremendous bargain if you're looking to save money

and just put the fucking year together. Maybe you're not doing good. Maybe it's not your year. That's why these podcasts are friends. free for fucking entertainment. You can jump up and down. I get your start on a Monday morning. That's what Monday mornings are about.

It's March 3rd. What did you quit this year? What have you done that's differently? You know, last couple weeks I've had Jiu-Jitsu people on. Not to tell you people. I don't know nothing about Jitsu. Just to let your motherfucker know I'm 51. I'm rolling around with young kids.

If I can do it and I'm trying to stay a little healthy, so the fucking you. By the way, they're not smoking weed and showing you fucking people. That's even working on a little better for me. I ran this weekend. Did? Yeah.

Thursday I swam. And Thursday, I had a... I went to the pool, and I swam, and the pool was fucking cold, but I liked it, how it felt. Sometimes the water just feels good on your body. And I must have swam for 30 minutes. I can't do the full breaststroke, but I'll pull myself, and I'll kick, and I'll do laps, and then I'll run across the pool,

and then I went into the jacuzzi, and a great Jewish guy sat next to me. He was like, 60-something, the Yama Khan, and I told you. Yeah, I forgot about that. He was telling me about how his wife had cheated on him, for 10 years. It was a very heartwarming story about how this guy goes, I don't know who you are,

but I want to get this off my chest. Look, he just found out? He found out January 1st. She had a business for some money that she had been cheating on for 10 years with the doctor. And they went on vacations together, and he would fuck the wife on vacation.

So it's like me, you, we all go away and you fuck my wife on vacation. Oh, shit. It was brutal. And he's still living with her. He goes through therapy. you know and I could see the pain in his eyes

man it was so fucking sad oh my god and he goes the kid it just you know the house is in turmoil the kid won't talk to the mother the sister won't talk to him so the kids took their sides he said the kid called the mother

everything but a whore you know and it's just amazing how sometimes you're unhappy with a situation and you make it worse you know like I couldn't I don't

listen, man, we all have our little fucking fantasies. I like to fuck people up the ass and get my dick sucked. But I still got to go back and look at my wife. You know, it's like a distant fantasy for me. And I like it. There's some brods out there. I love you. I love women.

You know, there's nothing wrong with loving women and sucking asses and sucking tits and hugging a woman. But you still got to go home. You still got to go home. And that's tough. And I've been cheated on and I've never cheated. And it feels bad. It feels bad to be cheated on. I've been cheated on.

I feel fucking horrible, you know. I understand, like, let's say she went and hooked up with that guy once, yeah. But if you're doing it for 10 years and going on vacations, that's like, that's like emotionally, and to have a kid. And I don't know why, but it seems worse for a mom to do it. And that's double standard, and I understand that. But I just, when I think of mom, I think of my mom who's so nice. And just thinking of a mom doing that, just so terrible. Like, I don't know why.

It's, like, you almost expect it from a guy. Like, you just, you look up, like, mom. That's like the best thing you could be. Oh, my God, that's so terrible. What really was funny was that he was an investment banker, and then he started turning it on himself. He was like, you know, and then I started thinking about it that I worked 15 hours.

Yeah. You know, and I wasn't there. I get home at 7 o'clock, and he overlooked a lot of the things, you know. And people get pissed off at me for not working Sundays and for coming home early, you know, and people call me names and say I'm a prima donna. It's not because I'm a prima don't. it's because basically I want to have dinner with my family every Sunday

you know it was raining yesterday was shitty we couldn't go to a park but we went to the mall she ran around the mall she played you know we made some stops and then we went home and I don't even know what we ate we sat and just giggled together we gave her a bath but that's my Sunday and that's fair and I didn't have family growing up so I make that important to me and money isn't that important to me it's not that important to me because I realize one thing that in my life all these stories I tell you people I had them without no money. If I would have had money,

I wouldn't have had those fucking stories. Yeah. If I would have had money, I would have never mug that hooker in the car. I would have never, you know, I would have never done half the things I would. That would have been pretty bad. So I just goes to show you.

They only need the money. Yeah, you know. I mean, so trust me, people, the best times I've had, I've had $3 in my pocket, so people you put around yourself and the mood that you're in, that's what controls the fucking good time you have.

And laughing. I love fucking laughing, you know. So it was just, it was just really weird that I learned that, you know, I remember when I first started telling people, and it's a personal thing for me. I know that you lose your life.

I know that there's times I'm laughing with my daughter and my wife, and I make a mental note to remember that. That's something I never used to do when I was young. I make a mental note to remember that, and that's next time I think a shoplifting gum or doing something stupid. I think of that in the living room.

With no money, just sitting there giggling with my baby, and my wife just crash. the stupid joke, you know, I can't see without my glasses. Okay. So the other day, I was preparing a hamburger instead of onion powder. I put cinnamon on it. And when I got the cheeseburger, it was a cinnamon cheeseburger. Brown versus white.

I couldn't fucking see, man. I can't fucking see. So when I told my wife we were laughing and she was calling me stupid and all this shit. And I was mad for 10 seconds, and I realized, when am I going to get called stupid again for something giggly, you know, something that you overlook. Cinnamon burger. So, you know, when I leave your town, I don't work Boston or New Jersey and a Sunday. it's not that I don't love you

I love my family and I love being who I am and you've got to believe in something you've got to believe in something for yourself even if nobody else believes in it that's what makes you different that's what I'll keep you to the next level is you know people always say I mean

well I can't get it to the next level the next level doesn't start by you booking a TV show or you win the lottery you excel yourself to the next level you know I answered emails yesterday and I got some kid that's a sweet kid you know in San Diego they have this thing and he wants me to shoot this

this godfather type thing for me where we prank people and shit listen i would shoot it and it's not that i don't want to shoot it or i'm egotistical or whatever but i don't like going backwards why would i want to go back on fucking youtube you know but there's only one person who control this and this is me even if they pay me a flat rate for me it's not about the money it's about the time i'm 51 you know today i got a busy schedule but i have a busy schedule because i have to do stuff with Terry and the baby. I'm leaving fucking Wednesday. I'm only here two days this weekly.

So you have to make time for the things that are important in your life. I don't care how much... There's days I want to go do jiu-jitsu. I love to go do jiu-jitsu tonight, but I'm only home for two nights. I've got to do the podcast tomorrow night. Yeah.

I got to stay home and partake with my family tonight and have a good time and put the baby to bed. And these are the things I didn't know at 25 and 26 and 27 and 28. So if you're at that age and you feel sometimes that things are holding your...

you're back, rewrite your fucking schedule, man. That's why I gave you. Did the Goomy Bear hit you yet? Yes, it did. You feel fucking great. I feel, I feel high. Yeah, see, I took care. You, you're, you cock sucker.

Who takes care of you like your Uncle Joey? Well, it's now. Wait, call me at noon room still sleeping. You're not sleeping because you don't, you go home and give up. This is what makes me mad. Do not go home and give up. How do you... You're going to leave here right now?

You're going to finish this. You're going to leave here. You're going to go get a breakfast. Okay. Tommy's. You're going to get two eggs or oatmeal and... There's some fruit. You're going to start taking care of yourself.

Yeah. Then you're going to go home and you're going to put your sneakers on. And you're going to put your jacket on the hood, and you're going to walk to Ventura Boulevard, and you're going to walk home today. Then you want to go to sleep? Then go to sleep. Okay?

Let's make that deal. While you're high, I want you to take that walk. I don't want you to sleep and then get up later and take the walk. Okay. When you're high, I want you to see what goes through your head today. When you walk, and it's how far is it to Ventura? Half a mile. So you're going to walk a mile today.

Do me that favor. I'll give you fucking $100 bucks to my house. You do that cash. I give it to your cash. Just do that. Okay. Then if you want to go to sleep. I'll do that every day for fucking $100.

You go home. You want to eat? You want to eat ice cream? I don't give a fuck. I just want you to make that walk today. I want you to get some color. I want you to breathe. And I want you to walk while you're high.

I want you to see the thought. You have a iPod? Yeah. With those Jew bands jumping up and down? Oh, yeah. Put them on. Just walk the Ventura today. After that, you want to sleep the rest of the day?

I'll never bother you again. You're going to call me when you get back from that walk. and you're going to thank me. I promise you. I mean, I don't want to sleep to hold it, but I don't know how you do it on the edibles, man. I'll try. You don't let it overtake you.

When the sleep starts coming, you get up, and you open your door, and you go outside and you get some air, and you go for a walk. I want you to walk today. I want you to clean your lungs out today. It's Monday. It's a beautiful day to be alive.

It's been raining all week. The clouds. The fucking air is clean. Yeah, that's the best part about raining today. This morning. This morning, I was going to do something else. I had to go get ready for something. I said, no, let's push it back.

I'm going to go to that barbell class, a kettlebell class this morning. This is the only day this way I could do it. Tomorrow, he doesn't have a class. He has a 615 class. I got to do the podcast tomorrow night. So I'm sorry about not talking into the mic. I get emotional here, and I talk out here, and that's what fucking happens. But today, you don't need to surrender to the sleep.

That's what you do when you're 13. You got out. You got to go home and eat a bird and go to sleep. I want you to go home. Don't even look at the bed. Don't even open anything. Get the iPod. Put your little hooded sweatshirtirtirtirt on.

and go for it, you walk. Have one mile, even if it takes you, if it takes you an hour, if you stop and breathe and pick up the grass and sniff it, and you're going to see how beautiful fucking life really is. Yeah, that's why I chose that apartment. That's why you moved.

Don't go home and go to sleep. You got to start the week off of a little edible just to get the blood going. I'm not saying everybody. I know half of you people have day jobs and you have lives, but when you have a day off, like today or something, that's it. You don't even doing nothing.

You're not going to drive. to 4 or 5 or 10 and be stuck on that fucking bumper to bumper so wait until 1 o'clock anyway and you shoot down at 13 minutes yeah with no traffic yeah with no travel it's 10 minutes down the boom you make the left you go right there you ask my man fucking

Edison you go in there you get the shirts you get right back if you're lucky you stay on Olympic and you go to fucking Versailles Oh yeah I used to live right next to Versailles number 25 right there in Culver City In West LA it's Olympic and No, Pico, not Pico.

Sepulado. Subpova. Whatever the fuck it is there. Yeah. No, no, national. Oh, did they double the two of them? Yeah. There's two of them.

Okay. There's Ventura, there's La Sienega, and there's Washington. Okay. That's where you're going to hit. You're going to hit Washington. Okay. Go and then get the number 25. They're catna with pina con pa.

Cognia con pa. Some catena conpapa is the Cuban beef stew, two piece, three pieces of meat with some potatoes and the gravy. it's been boiling in the gravy so the gravy goes into the potato and get the lunch special so you get the fried bananas and the salad who's better than you've got a glass of water after your little walk you'll feel like fucking Superman I felt like Superman yesterday with the girlfriend's mom made tacos with homemade tortillas

she said she marinated the meat she made it's weird guacamole for Mexican people or at least for this where she's from it's chunks of avocado but then they put like salsa and tomatoes and all the onions It's not that shit. You got that Friday's that used to jump up and down that artificial green shit It's just real avocado.

Oh my God The homemade tortillas is a big thing It's uh And I only had four of them You can only eat four It was a little bit bigger than the small ones God damn it Did you eat some rice and beans too?

No, fuck it It was just tacos She offered me dessert But I just couldn't do it What was dessert? It was one of those breads Like What does it call?

It looks like a sweet bread. I don't know. I forget the name of it. But I don't know, man. It's fucking really great. You like to eat, I know. Who doesn't like to eat? Everyone, but it's,

I got jealous of you this weekend when he told me went to legales. That's my favorite place. You hear it in your voice. What do you eat there? You eat the fried shrimp. No, you don't know, no. I don't get the fried shrimp.

I get, they have something called the Jasmine special. It's steamed rice with steamed shrimp and broccoli. There's little cheese. thing on top of it. Fucking amazing. Then they, I like the grilled shrimp. I like, they have some great sides. Oh, fuck. I have to go back now.

Tonyo, steam is a fucking world class. My dick was, I was going to jerk off in the shower, but I didn't want to waste it on the curtain. You know what I'm saying? I was going to give home, give mama stabbing. Fuck it, with that good tropical helmet. I didn't even give her a stabbing last, and I went to sleep. I had so much sperm

to me. I just passed out. That's how much of a half a fag. I am. I want to thank all our sponsors, Hulu, EscapeBot Tank.com On it. Dollar Shave Club. I love that you guys are still with us and give us the love.

I like to thank everybody. I shout it out. I like to thank Matt Fultron for calling in. I thank you, I like you, motherfuckers, for being in my life

and for supporting me and for coming to the shows and for putting up with my bullshit early in the mornings on Monday and Wednesdays. You guys are some serious motherfuckers.

And yes, I'm not smoking. I don't want you to call me a pussy. I'm making a comeback. March 18th at what's the name of the place? Loggo. Largo with my man.

I'm just giving it a 32-day rest just to give my lungs a breathing. I'm going to be smoking like a motherfucker. And what time we're doing tomorrow? 70-7? We're doing seven. Okay. California time. That's 10 o'clock right now.

I'm trying to get my uncle. This is the same uncle I tried to rob. I have a chapter in the book called The World Doesn't O You Dick. It's about my uncle about how he told him he broke the bad news to me because sometimes we don't know that the world don't owe you dick. Yeah. He's the one that broke. the bad news to me, and I hated him for 20 years,

and now he's one of my best friends. I love him. He's 75 years old. He's going to be here with us tomorrow, talking about Cuban music, my mother. Is he me in studio? Yeah, he's coming in studio. So I love you guys. 7 o'clock tomorrow at the church.

Have a great day. Waterboxer, Lady J, Cleo, all the people we love, Luca Cabana, fucking all you motherfuckers. If I forgot you, you know, I'm fucking with you. I love you as all. Have a great day. Stay black and stay beautiful.

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of your sensory deprivation tank needs and they'll send it to your house. They'll come, set it up for you, get $2.50 off if you mention the church of what's happening now. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Have a great thing, motherfuckers.

Don't let nobody lie to you. Remember, your lunch money is in their pocket. What? Oh shit. Wiggly. Oh. Oh shit. Forces are the same bar crosses.

Some of those that work forces. Are the same that bar crosses. Some of those that work forces. You're the same that bar cross. I told you. Now you do what they told you. Now you do what they told you. Now you do what they told you.

Now you do what they told you Now you do what they told you Now you do what they told you And now you do what they told you And now you do what they told you Those that weren't forces Are the same that brought crosses And some of those that were forces

Told you Now you do what they told you