The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #155 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: April 18, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT..... It's Monday, April 18th.... This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by Zip Recruiter, The Freeze Pipe & Better Help.…. Go to https://www.ZipRecruiter.com/JOEY & Try it for FREE! Freeze Pipe Support the show and get 10% off with the code JOEY at https://TheFreezepipe.com Go to https://www.BetterHelp.com/DIAZ Use PROMO CODE: DIAZ for 10% OFF your 1st Month Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #BetterHelp #ZipRecruiter #TheFreezePipe The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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What up, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here. Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint on a beautiful Monday, the 18th of April. Easter's done. Valentino's Day's done. Fucking Passover's done. It's all done. We've covered the fucking spectrum.

And now straight the fucking Memorial Day, slinging dick and by the motherfucking pool. That's all I'm looking. Right now, all I give a fuck about is my local pool opening. I got six weeks. I'm counting it fucking down. You remember when you were a kid, you had the calendar on the wall with the exes and shit?

38 days, the school's over. That's how Papa is thinking about the fucking pool this shit. I got a system. I'm going to lift in the morning, a little jihitsu at lunch, right to the fucking gym, 1 o'clock, smoke a couple numbers, get some vitamin D, kill the COVID, and move fucking forward.

That's it, man. Everybody wants to know what's going on, so I'll fucking tell you how it evolved and how it took place. I know two bears in the cave was up last week, and the cock suckers thought they set me up and whatever the fuck they were thinking. I love those two cousins.

You know, you got to love Burton time. I have a lot of respect for both of those fucking guys. As comics, as parents, as human beings. I mean, they've done things. I've never even dreamed of doing. They're younger than I am. Tom Segora has really come a long way. But one thing, he always stayed a fucking great guy.

You know, Tom's a great guy. When Tom kept calling me to go down there, I was like, you know what? I don't know. And I went down there and listen. If you don't think I had a... I was like that chubby girl at 2.30 in the hotel lobby. I knew what was going to happen.

You know what's going to happen? Like, you know, it's going to happen. You'll end up going to some guy's room and sucking his dick. I know I'm the chubby girl. I get no love. You know what's going to go down. Why are you resisting it?

I didn't... I knew at some point I was going to do something on this stage. The energy was going to call me out there. And it was very weird because it all can't listen, man. I told you motherfuckers once. I told you a thousand times. I loved how things go down.

There was a thing somebody told me years ago that if something sucks in the beginning, a movie, you're recording an album with your band, you get there and the fucking guys under the couch on heroin. It's going to be a long fucking six weeks. You're building a house the first day. You know, it's just, you guys know,

Unless you're a fucking idiot. You know, you ever do something with somebody and you know in the back of your mind, this is a fucking no-win situation. And they're like, let's go. Let's dig six more inches. And you're like, we're just wasting our time. Somebody's going to hit a fucking line

and get fucking electrocuted. And you know what I'm saying? Like, it just doesn't pay. Like, I believe in fucking never giving up. But I also believe sometimes it's a very fine line between giving up and throwing your cards in. You know, last week I was talking about my friend Sarah, rest in peace, who died last week.

I was telling you guys the story kind of sort of. And what I was hinting was, even when I was on the church, you know, I got on there every day and I preach, don't give up, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, there's a fucking fine line between you spinning your fucking wheels and you pushing to get ahead. There's always been that fine line, you know, and you have to catch yourself. because if not you're killing yourself to live in the immortal words of black Sabbath you're basically that's how I always I always came back to that you're killing your fucking

self to live so you got to know when to you know do 85 and went to put the fucking brakes on and went to go you know what I gave this my all you know what I'm going to do I'm not going to stay in LA I'm going to downsize this I'm going to take my comedy actor Phoenix get a day job with insurance get my life together do some rights and stick to a plan. It all comes back to what I guys tell you about a fucking, about a fucking plan. You always have to have a plan.

For the last, I think, three weeks before, a little liquid IV, always good for you on a fucking Monday morning. A little Concord grape, tremendous. Three weeks before I went up to times, I wanted to take a look. Before I threw in the towel, I wanted just to go to a comedy show. And take a look.

Take a look to see if I remember something. Just take a look. But I knew if I took a look, I'm one of those motherfuckers. If I put a uniform on, I got to go to war. Like, I'm not one of those guys that could sit from the fucking sideline. So you guys don't remember telling me. I told you motherfuckers, I went over the stacks. One of my favorite breakfast joints.

They do comedy. They like the owners, the two women. But I couldn't get parking. That was, maybe the night before Tom. Yes, it was the night before Tom. I went to stacks just to check out stand-up,

just to see if it was something that I even wanted to be around or whatever. I'm not bored. I don't need a fucking job. I need a hobby. I'm pretty busy with the fucking girls. I'm pretty busy here. Nine or ten times

when you talk to me at three in the afternoon, I already got my night planned out. You know, this last week, Thursday, We went to the fucking movies to see, I don't know, some fucking bunny rabbit that spins around or whatever. I don't fucking know. Gizmonic, the Hedgehog or whatever the fuck. You know, 20 people were there, like kids and adults, you know. I didn't plan.

What do you think? I sat and then going to see Hedgehog? No. They call me, I go. That's it. It's that simple. You got a family. You got, I don't know.

Friday night, we went to a fucking tremendously, like, family restaurant. because this fucking 13, 14 of us every fucking Friday. Last night I think it was like 16 of us. And we, on Friday night, it was like 16 of us and we had to find the place to eat. The kids have no fucking sports. You know, what am I going to tell them? I can't go out to dinner because I got to do a fucking spot at some hell.

Oh, fuck you. Saturday, I went to an Easter thing. They made ribs. The kids fucking ran around and jumped up and down. You know, so I don't. If I, I knew that I had to do it during the week. The weekends are fucking kaput for me, you know. So it's basically a hobby.

So when I went down at Tom's, you know, I, when I got off stage, my mind was racing about all the things that were possible to me. And then over the next three days, when I came down from the adrenaline, I thought about all the things that I didn't want to do. You know, so it was a perfect balance for me. I was there. It took me by storm. I didn't sleep a night. You know, I lost a night's sleep, just thinking about my next move.

And then I still didn't know after I got on stage, Rich Voss, we were talking, and he goes, Vinnie's open, Dino's got Wednesday night open. I go, let's get this shit the fuck over with. You know, and what fucking got me mad was, listen, I tell you guys the truth.

Don't expect nothing. Don't expect. What do you think? I'm going to light myself. on fire. I mean, I'd love to tell you that for the last 18 months I wrote religiously. I didn't. I wrote, you know, for the book, I wrote the story of my life. I outlined shit like that. Every once in a while, if I cracked the joke, I wrote it down. Like, you know, New Jersey has the highest rate of autism, you know, shit like that. You know, just to remember it if I ever did want to put a bit together. But guys, it was my first time on state.

Well, come on. People are like, what a... I got to go to tell you. There's really part list. First of all, guys, if I'm doing Jersey, let's get this fucking straight. Just so you know. Because, you know, I don't like telling people this, but because I think that you figure it the fuck out. If a show is sold out, and it's anywhere in Jersey, New York, Philadelphia, don't call me and hit me up a tickets, and I'll tell you why.

It's not that I don't want to give you tickets. Did you forget I'm from here? So, whenever I have a show, I'm already dealing with, Hey, can I get tickets from the kids I grew up with, my nieces, my nephews. Yeah, what do you think this is? If I was in California, yeah, I got nobody. If I go to Phoenix and you're like, Joey, I'm in town. Can I get two tickets?

I'll give you eight tickets. Because I got nobody in Phoenix or Dallas or fucking Miami. You know what I'm saying? Put your fucking brain cap on. But if I'm in Jersey, like some guys, like any possibility of any tickets, and I go, God, come on. Just come to the night. You're not missing nothing.

You're not missing nothing. You're not missing nothing. It was nothing. Listen, guys, one thing we have to take away from ourselves, it's an immature thing. It's very immature. And I'm going to flip this around for you right now in a way that you can't.

I think that we're living in a life that you don't want to miss anything. And I got to tell you something. It's healthy for you to miss something. when I was 18, 19, you know when you can't talk a motherfucker out of missing anything? You ever been 18 or 19? Remember when you had it in your head? I'm going to see penguins, whatever.

And your friends are like, yeah, but the show's at midnight. I'm going to see penguin because you didn't give a fuck. And you went, and the way home you were like, what was that all about? I mean, guys, I've been to maybe four fucking shows that I left there and went, wow. Everything else is good. It's memorable. but nothing for me to fucking kill myself over. Like, that was great.

You know, nothing like that at all. I mean, you know. So I want you guys to start thinking about, like, man, I really want to go to that show, but I can't. You know what? Fuck him. Fuck him. Let Joey come see me.

Start doing that. When I was 18, I used to force myself to stay in on Friday nights because I never thought that I could survive. Like, in the back of your mind, you're like, I got to go. You know, why? Like, do you think you're never going to fucking survive the next day? So I remember, like, going to bed sober and waking up and, like, looking out the window,

looking at my phone, like, what did I miss? You didn't miss anything. The best line I ever heard was in the rap pack when Dean Martin looks at Joey Bishop or whatever, and he goes, you know what the best thing is? One of these days, all these fucking idiots are going to wake up with a hangover and go, what the fuck was it all about? You know, we go through patches. in our life. Like we

go to bands for a couple of years or not we go to like comedy shows then we go to a bar for, remember that bar you, I'm not at. Remember there was always that one old jerk off like me, Uncle Louis that sat there like he told all the girls, give me something for the cheek and, you know, that fucking idiot

and, you know, he always tried to hit you with alcoholism, wisdom and shit like that. And you're like man, I can't picture my life without that bar. Well, now you're married, you got kids. Do you even think of that fucking dump anymore? Do you even think of those old

Alkees that are probably still there reciting the same shit they're reciting when you were there 10, 12 fucking years ago? And you go, yeah, that was a festive time in my life. But at the same time, you're like, I could have lived without it. Guys, it's the same thing.

I'm just a fat fuck that cracks a joke every once in a while. Nothing that's going to put money in your back. Nothing that's going to change your life. You're not going to go home and go, wow. You know, wow. Guys, I never went home and went, wow.

What movie is it that? The guy like yells, you're not going to believe what happened. And the old man's like, what are you talking about? And the guy's like, you're not going to believe it. He showed up. And he's like, go to bed. Go to fucking bed. What's the matter with you?

You know, guys, it was a $20 fucking show. Thank God I wasn't greedy. And I didn't, like, headline myself with two unknowns. If I'm going to get up on stage I want you guys to have a good time too And I want you guys to have an experience Jimmy was fucking great You know the next day people were like

Jimmy Fonitin's great You didn't know this I mean he's been doing it for 25 fucking years What do you think he'd been doing Fucking playing the base He's fucking great Jim He's fucking great He's a professional

And Rich Vance is another fucking killer And I had them You know go up there We split it three ways I don't give a fuck I just The point of this Everything had

Listen, one of my dearest friends once told me something that a lot of people don't know even myself. I'm a very calculated person. I smoke a lot of dope. I might not have the best language in the world. I curse. I say some fucked up shit, but guess what? Everything has a fucking plan. My whole plan for Wednesday night was just to get on stage and do 20 fucking minutes calm, collected.

I wanted to You know, I wanted to say Like, I didn't write any jokes I had ideas, you know I'm sick and tired of hearing about the fucking slap And nobody wanted to say the truth About what the slap was You know what the slap was about?

You know why the slap happened? You know what? Why that's never happened before? Black people. They had black people, a ton of them at the fucking Oscar. You guys want Black Lives Matter? That's what you fucking get.

I got nothing against African Americans. I love them. But the slap is too big. brothers slapped each other. You never see white people doing it. There. I just said what everybody else is fucking scared of the same. And I said it on fucking stage. And it's the truth. That's what happens when you

invite black people to your party. Now you got it. You see what the fuck you wanted Denzel Washington show up? And the ghetto brothers showed up. What are going to do? I ain't mad and neither should you. But say it. Don't keep beating around the fucking bush, you cock suckers with. I don't know what the smack

was about. You invited fucking black people to your party. That's what happens from time to time. They don't play games. You guys like to walk around. Ha, ha, ha. I loved your movie. Your movie sucked, okay? I guess fucking Chris is in the movie. Fucking whatever his name is, didn't

like it from 10 years ago. And he just remembered while he was sitting there. It wasn't about Jada. It's like, Chris Rock made that movie, Pouti Tang. Fuck him. I'm going to go up there and smack him now 10 years, 20 years later. I don't fucking know. But that's what everybody's scared of fucking saying. So let's

fucking say it. Everybody's been digging at people. Think about it. Digging at people. What was the smack about? Oh my God. What did you think it was about?

Say it. There was a couple brothers there. You know what I'm saying? One guy put on the Jackson 5. The other guy wanted to hear the fucking Osmond's. You know, he's a fucking Scientologist. And that's what happened. You know, I talked about fucking the LGBTQ shit.

I said everything offensive so I could get it out there out of the way. So people could know that I'm my fucking Mike. You went. I said like eight or nine. defensive things just to I don't give a fuck guys I didn't have planned you know one of the biggest things that pisses me off one of my biggest pet peeves that pisses me to fuck off is when people go Joey I'm I'm getting up on stage for the first time you know I'm gonna get up in like eight months you know two things bother me I'm gonna join the gym soon but I gotta get in shape listen to what you just said you fucking miserable bastard I want to join the gym but I got in get in shape or I want to join jujitsu I just kind of get in great shape do I look like I'm in shape do I look like fucking Joe Rogan eating up meat and shit no I go to fucking jujitsu I go to the blue class I go to the core class I'm gonna tell you something every class I go to I get this much

strong this much strong I don't go to class planning shit well yeah when I go to the blue class I plan to go and maybe try a move or try from somebody's you know coming into my guard, I want to try a triangle, or try a burn ball, whatever the fuck. The same thing with comedy. I always have one goal when I go on state to remember one joke. And guess what? I never fucking remember it. Okay?

You know, when you write, every day you try to write, so I got a set at 8 o'clock, Mike. I'm going to write out my set list. And then I go, holy shit, I wrote that joke to the night when I'm stoned. I'm going to try it tonight. That takes me about six nights to finally get in the rotate. I go, oh, hold on people. This joke doesn't belong in there, but I want to try it anyway.

And they know where you're at, and they try. But I wasn't going to write a fucking, an HBO 20 minutes for a fucking Wednesday night. All I was trying to do was get my timing, mouth to audience, audience back, my feet, try to get them fucking level again. Because when you do comedy, yeah, that idiot's just standing there for 45 minutes.

it's if he's a fucking idiot. If he's delivering, if he's unleashing, my feet, my fucking finger, my toenails, my fungi toenails, are biting into the floor because the energy I'm propelling out should be making me fall forward. That's what you don't understand.

So there's times you do a 45 minute set, you get back to your hotel room and go, Jesus Christ, why am I so sore? Because you've been biting into the fucking energy. You've been biting into the fucking earth. for you to unleash your stuff, you're basically just a conduit. That's why I'd rather do comedy outside when you're on the fucking ground or on the grass and you have sneakers on, because basically you're just a fucking a wind sock of sorts.

I don't mean to say it like a wind. What's that? It's like a Tesla coil. You're basically getting energy. You're digging for energy when you start going to Chi gun. Not that you're going to go to Chi-Gung. Or when you start going to Tai Chi and all those Asian arts, older people do them because they're trying to dig energy out of them.

And one of the moves that they do a lot is to push down and up, down. And you'll see that. If you're driving by and you see like 20 Chinese people when they ain't cooking spare ribs and they're fucking doing all this shit, that's what they're doing. They're putting the energy down and up. When you go to acupuncture and they hit you with those fucking needles, it opens up there. The chakras.

I know, Joey, why are you talking about this? What are you going to do? Teachers, Downward dog neck? No, I'm just trying to make a point here that your energy goes up and down in your body. You know, so when you have pain somewhere, there's a blockage. The energy is going down, but it can't come back up. So there's some type of blockage. You have swelling, inflammation, whatever the fuck you may have.

You know, something in your brain, you know, last year when I started to fucking. join the first six months I had a blockage going to my brain like it was going in but it wasn't coming out it happens it happens you're not fucking balance and that's why I would stand up you have to be totally fucking balanced but I know this going in

when you're first starting they don't tell you this in the Judy Carter book Gene Perre doesn't tell you and even Joey Diaz and Joe Rogan and Bill Burr good comics will forget that because it's not relevant but then it is it is

but we don't why would I teach you something if you're just going to sit there and go what are you talking about Joey I've been listening to pride for years he never spoke about this I listen to Jim Gaffigan he never spoke about this I listen to fucking you know John Mullaney he never talks about it because we don't even know it's going on until you get away from it and go holy shit that's right I got to start doing some stretches from my legs or some fucking downward dogs or something because at the end of a 40 minute set. You feel it, especially two fucking

40 minutes. Like, what do you think I wouldn't sign up for fucking, like, a tour with two shows a night? Can't cover the spread. That's a lot of energy moving through your body. And if you do it, all of a sudden, bro, you go back to your room and you just pass out.

The lights just go out. So I don't want to, I want to get into this a little like this week, my goal is maybe to get on on stage twice. Where am I going to go? I have no fucking idea. I have no fucking fucking idea, but I'll look at the schedules around town and I'll jump on it. Am I writing?

Yes, that's another thing we have to talk about. One of the main reasons I wanted to take a break from stand-up. Yeah, I wanted to find out what my next move was, but also to change my point of view. I think that if you listen to my CDs or see my specials, I think the last two specials, no the last special and the last two CDs rolled into one another this is just me saying this a lot of people would never say this this is after I got here because sometimes before you get on stage what I like to do is listen to an old piece of work and that'll bring some you know oh my god I said that oh my god sometimes I'll listen to a CD

which I'm already iffy on but I'll watch this is not happening which I know they're fucking solid. I'm very proud of this is not happening. Like four of them I'm really happy about. There's one that's not too good. I don't know which one it is. I got a room. But I have to go back sometimes and I'll look at those and I knew that my

POV had to change. Joey, what's your point of view? Just your point of view. How your world collides with the rest the world. That all had to change. I was talking too much about fingers and assholes and stinky monkeys and it was time to move away from that. Nobody told me I knew

this. When I shot the one special, not the Netflix one, but the other one. Social and acceptable. When I shot Social unacceptable, my goal was to change my point of view. The only problem was my point of view hadn't changed.

Do you know what I'm saying? Like, I tried to force something that I could never change anyway. The only way you could change your point of view is time. You know, I didn't know this. I did not know this. But this is why you took that break from stand-up after you shot your special. You usually shot a special, and your agent would have eight episodes for you on some stupid TV show as a garbage man or whatever.

Because those eight weeks is where you change your point of view. Things change. For me, I didn't change like that. They did, but they didn't. so I had to take the point of view I had in LA as a fucking pothead starter up type dad to what I became now

which I'm close to retiring you know not really I wouldn't bring that up on fucking stage but you know it's a different world what I'm going through now is completely different when I was going through five years later Mike's life today is different than I was. five years ago. So if you were to write a song today,

it wouldn't sound like the song you would sound five years ago. You know what I'm saying? Like five years ago, you would write a song like I'm young and I don't give a fuck if I have herpes, you know, all those wild-out songs and wild lyrics. And, you know,

maybe he doesn't want herpes or whatever. I'm just exaggerating. But you guys understand, I'm talking to you now. It's got the two kids. It's got a car payment. It's got a house. payment he's getting married the song would be a little bit more not liberal

but there'd be a little bit more not family I'm not that he's going to I've been to the desert with a horse with no name but he's going to write something not as what's the word like you know Buck Wilde he's not going to write a what's the dirty guy from Kentucky

Wheeler you're not going to write a Wheeler song yeah you're married you with a child now. Didn't this time I'm trying to say to you, you know, like, Steepin' Mayochik. I can't believe. I said his name right. I cannot believe.

I said his name right. Stepe Meochik is a different guy today. I love Steepet. Fucking tough motherfucker. I wouldn't want to face him in an alley, and I don't want you to think you could face Stepe Miochik in an alley. But Stepe is not the same guy that he was. when he first won the championship.

Winning the world title, gave him a little bit more money, gave him a little bit more opportunity. He's a loyal motherfucker that dude. He's a bad motherfucker. He continued to be a volunteer fireman, and whatever the fuck he does, saving lives.

That's a real-life Superman. But what I'm saying is, when you look at Steve A-Nine, he's got his glasses on. You know, he's got a nice tight haircut. You know, he's got a smile on his face. When you're first starting to fight, you're fucking angry.

You're broke, you're eating tuna out of a fucking can. You're ready to stab a motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? Like, you're like, what the fuck? That's why you're beating people up. Then you get this happiness in your life. So what is your point of view today? You don't see Stepe fighting every 90 days, do you?

No. I think he's going to fight somebody. I think maybe John Jones or something like that. I'm not even sure. But my point is, just like a fighter, slows a little down. We as comedians, writers, actors, musicians, songwriters, your point of view has to change in a way.

You know, if you listen to one of the greatest fucking albums is Back in Black, you know, commercial success, they lost a singer, it's just a great album all around. What was the album after Back in Black? For those who suck the cock, we salute you. You don't know? For those who like to rock, we salute you.

But if you listen to the beginning of that song, dun-d-d-d-d-dun-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-bong. Bung, bong, bong, bong. Okay, you're like, I like it, but I've heard it before. I used to... And a lot of times, a band will fucking make 14 songs. they'll write they'll be on a fucking roll on their third album the first album is a success

the second album they got smart and cocky it sucks dick you know it sucks dick uh Cheryl Crowe's second album I can name 15 horrible second albums because the band has put eight years into writing the first album it better be fucking good

you know I'm saying you not only have one song to carry the album you have three songs to carry the album Sweet child of mine Welcome to the jungle and something else That could carry the album On a bad Any record label

It'll take three songs from Appetite for Destruction Headline the album And could put fluff around it And you could call it a fucking album But with a first year album With a first album right off the box Mike's been working on music for four years

I've been working on music for eight years The drummer's been working on music for eight years the drummer's been working on music for 12 years and the bass player was a part of another fucking band so he's coming with some fucking luggage and some tricks so we're going to get together we're going to play some bars we're going to do a couple festivals whatever's needed

our first album is going to be a smoker but we shot up to fucking flames too quick now we got a gun up against our head and we got to put a second now amount that's as popular as the first album out you got a better chance to fucking sucking 18 dicks in a row because it's not going to happen. You just said it yourself.

You had four guys that have been out there for eight years, average, putting new music together, and now the record company is giving you ten months to put fucking thunder, what do they call it, lightning in a package again? Guess what? You're not going to fucking do it. So the album sucks.

But then again, I'm wrong because Led Zeppelin, too. Elton John That second album is fucking great You know there's a lot of bands They got a great second album Joey So what the fuck are you talking about But a lot of women don't

Eidickel and the barbarians Dig up that fucking album You'll want to shoot yourself in the head Let me tell you some Yoko Ono Had a bad first album That second arm Holy shit It's called fucking

It's called mental asylum That's just sounds and noises And people getting thrown down stairs And shit like that You know There's a lot of people who got bad albums. Look at the cars.

Came out with the first one and came out with a heavy duty or album for the second one. So there is a lot of exceptions. Do you follow me? There's a lot of fucking exceptions to the game here. The third album, we come back. We're still doing heroin. It's good heroin.

We got a direct from China. So the album is real good. But on the tour for the third album, the bass player hit the guitar playing the head with a fucking with a triangle. and everybody ended up going to rehab so now they come out of rehab and they try to write the original shit that they wrote

for the third album and they can't do it. They can't do it because they're not high. So the fourth album takes a knock and then the fifth album is one of the best things you ever listen to in your life because now they're sober, now they've got their rhythm,

now they've accepted each other. But again, all this goes out the window. when I talk to you about Aerosmith. Because Aerosmith, right? Aerosmith put out five devils and then died, you know, then put out, done with mirrors. You might as well shoot your head through a fucking mirror when you listen to that album. Then they put out another bad one. Then they had their explosion with Walk This Way, with Run DMC.

So it's all different. I try to keep it, you know, I never wrote a fucking sensational special. I think I had pretty good albums. I love my, is this you or the priest? Now what I'm trying to do is capture something in that vein. I've prepared as much as I can. So after Uncle Vinnie's, I wasn't blown over by my performance. It's not like I taped it and listened to it.

My goal was to go up there and just get it over it and push through fucking 15 to 20 minutes without starting to crack. A lot of people don't understand. When you don't get on stage for a while, three minutes is a fucking eternity, guys. I don't even, if you know what I'm talking about, you know what I'm talking about. If you don't, you'll never understand. You know, Mike and I were making comparisons before about what you do before you get into a business and you know what's going on and how you would act towards it. We were talking about different things, you know, how sometimes I don't understand.

things and then after I've lived them now I have a little compassion for what that guy was saying something that an artist might say a musician Eric Clapton you know Eric Clapton's been talking some shit in the news lately I'm just bringing up Eric because I like him

you know whatever he's getting old guys he's getting fucking old everybody takes what he's got to say to art you know what's happened you bad motherfucker sorry to interrupt my fucking soliloquy there to join is sponsored by Better Help online therapy. You might not realize it, but headaches, teeth grinding,

and digestive issues can be indicators of stress. Other stress indicators include sleeping too little or too much, under-eaten and overeaten. Put simply, stress shows up in all kinds of ways. And the world that's telling you to do more, this is how you're a reminder to take care of yourself. Do less and maybe try a little therapy. I never believed in therapy. In a couple years ago, I bumped into a wall and I called the guys at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is customized online therapy that offers video, phone, and live chat sessions with a therapist. So you don't have to, if you don't want to see somebody on camera, you don't have to. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy.

Give it a try and see if online therapy can help lower your stress. The joint is sponsored by BetterHelp. And listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com. slash Diaz. That's betterhelp.com slash Diaz. Listen, I am doing fine. Ever since I started talking to Dana about nine months ago,

at BetterHelp, it took a while, but my life changed for the better. I learned how to deal with stress. I learned how to deal with anxiety. You have coping mechanisms and worksheets. BetterHelp.com will do it all for you. Contact BetterHelp.com

and the joint family gets 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash Diaz. Again, that's betterhelp.com slash Diaz. Back to the show. You just want to get it over with. And that was my plan for this week. Now I have to buckle up.

And that's where the Bert Tosh comes in. You know, Bert called me a couple days. And I was like, I don't know if I want to do these. And then I agree. I said, yeah, I'm interested. Let's talk on Monday. And there's people calling me, asking me to, pick four dates on my guys.

I'm not ready for this shit yet. For all you people who hit me up this week and we're like, are you doing this? Are you doing Savannah? I don't fucking know. I don't fucking know. You know, it's the two weekend tour. I'm either doing the first week or the fucking second week.

It's four fucking nights. And this is why I'm doing it. Number one, I'm with family. I'm with Bert. So I'll feel a lot fucking more comfortable. I think I'm jumping on the bus with them to smell feet, nuts sacks, assholes, why not?

You know what I'm saying? If you're fucking going to go to Rome, why not? Went in Rome? Plus, there's no pressure on me. The headliner has all the pressure. I'm just doing a fucking strong 20.

I walk off the stage and I go to the bus and smoke my reefer, go to the hotel, nappy no no time. That's it. It's a no pressure for fucking days, not to mention for years. I've been sitting here talking to you guys about camps. When I was a kid,

I went to camp. camp and how if I took you and played ball with you three nights a week if I took you and did comedy with you three nights a week for 90 days and then we sat down and I evaluated everything you'd make improvements you fucking definitely make improvements three sets a week times four that's 12 times three that's 36 fucking sets we would see some improvement we would see some improvement we would see better entries into fucking whatever segways we would see funnier material we would work on our opening to go out there and grab them by the fucking neck just go out there and fucking grab them so now you have them in your side how to explore that you know we would we would fucking uh

polish all that shit down to a fucking tea it's it's it's it's 20 minutes it's four sets I'm not going to, you know, if I go three and one, it'd be a success. If I ate a bag of dicks in Mississippi, you know, it's the Bible Belt. I'm going to go head to head with them. You know what I'm saying? I'm going to go up there and go, I'm going to bang them out, and they're either going to push back or they're going to fucking laugh. You know what I'm saying?

So that's all the things I got to work on now. I know I got to work on these things. And then my plan is, it's the summertime. If you think I want to be on fucking planes all summer, you got nothing coming. It's not happening. I got the girls. I'm going to the Carolinas. Mike is getting married.

My friend's getting married. September 3rd. I got shit going on. What I'm going to do is I'm going to keep writing, popping up, doing different spots. No fucking gigs. There's no reason to go out there and waste your fucking time. What I was saying to you guys earlier,

when I was in L.A., I would do working out with Uncle Joey. But I always had 20 to 25 minutes that I was rotating around and branching out. Do you understand I'm trying to say to you? So, I don't know. We're talking about fucking truck drivers. So I would have the foundation and then I would branch out. Guess what, guys?

I would love to do a working out with Uncle Joey now. But I have zero minutes. So it's going to be a long 45 minutes. Do you understand? A long 45 minutes. So that's the reason I'm not doing any of these gigs. Maybe by the end of the summer, I put together an open mic where I could do 15 up front, solid,

and at least showcase three dudes, four dudes. That's an idea I had at the stress factory at Uncle Vinny's. You know, that's an idea. It's close. I'd be helping some young guys out. They'd be helping me out by doing the fucking show. That's an idea, you know, but again, there's nothing strenuous. I know exactly how I want to do it.

I got a family. I got the kids in the neighborhood. I got fucking jiu-jitsu I'm loving. I love doing my little working out. I love doing the podcast. I want to keep everything in balance. I don't want to kill myself. And I don't want to get, I don't, it's not going to get out of control again.

That I'll tell you, 150%. I'm not even in the mood for that. They know not to even call. There's some people that have called and I've just said, listen, they just, go home. Go home. What are you doing? You know, I just got fucking 10 minutes. If that.

If you think I'm going to start, you know, if you guys went in, if you don't think agents already contact me, let's book dates in September. If you don't want to do them cancel. I don't want people too fucking intelligent, you know. People just went through two years of fucking misinformation and getting bullshitted and getting their mouths taken from them and getting everything taken from you, your jobs, your fucking cubicle.

I'm not doing that to people. You know, let's shoot straight with people. let's establish trust in the fucking community again. Let's establish trust with the people that we listen to again. I mean, I hope I didn't give you guys any bad information throughout the fucking the last couple of years. I just told you to put your chin down and fucking keep moving forward. You know, don't let this shit take you down.

And I wish we all fucking stuck to that fucking plan. You know, and we did. We did. We're all here. We're alive and kicking. We lost the battle. We lost the fuel in the battle of Enzio. but besides that

in the battle of FaceTiming motherfuckers but besides that it all fucking worked out and now we're going for a fucking for an unsolicited to fucking try again I mean people are saying the numbers are coming back Philadelphia brought back the mask Monday

Philadelphia brought back the mass guys and I gotta be honest here this is a fucking glorified headache because my friend got it up in Northburg and he said this one was this one was a sneeze that's how he knew he had it He kept sneezes and he thought it was allergies.

And then he felt something in his throat. He went home and he goes, it wasn't even the three days that Omni crime was. So I don't know what the fuck to tell you, motherfuckers. All I know is that, listen, man, I'm happy. I'm making forward progress. We all have to, this was a rough period for a lot of people. I don't know what the fuck went down with me.

I have a couple, believe it or not, my allergies were fucking bad this week. That quaffin I do, that's my allergies. And it ends with a sneeze. And I almost crashed the car at the light and shit because you got, you got to pull over because you keep making these weird fucking noises. So I even had, like I told somebody that, I told me there's a, if somebody comes to you today and tells you they got bad allergies, listen to them because I had them.

And for me to fucking get them, I haven't had an allergy since. the fucking this maple syrup shit and dogs and stuff like that and every once in a while I get allergic to dogs and at the beginning of allergy season I usually get a little fucking sniffle but this Wednesday I think I was going to

acupuncture I almost crashed the fucking con on the nine dog I started coughing and tearing up and when I cough I get fucking paranoid I'm like oh I got TB or whatever the fucking it but then when I tear up and shit like then I go okay it's my allergies I come home and take a clarity

And that's it, but I need, I could tell I need to take one fucking today. Yeah, it's crazy when you have allergies and shit like that. But I got everything. I got allergies. I got a fungi toenail. I got fucking anxiety. I got a lot of fucking problems. But I'm excited about this week, man.

This week we got to prove our fucking point. It's 420. And, you know, I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do yet. I have no idea. I was thinking about going into the city and seeing Rachel over at the stand. But a lot of these, nobody's at the stand that night. No R.E., no big Jay Ocasin, none of those guys.

And I feel like a bully. Like when you walk into those clubs and there's a lot of young comics, I always feel like that fucking, what's that old guy doing here? Come on, man. He already did what he had to do. It's our chance to fucking.

Like, I'm one of those guys. I'm very fucking self-whatever. I feel embarrassed sometimes. You know, I know what it is to be a young comic. I know what it is to be a young comic. And to have a set for 10 minutes on a Wednesday in New York City and for some guy to come in and for them to say, hey, you can only do five minutes.

Do you know what I'm saying? I don't like doing that to people. I don't, it's like when you, you know, jiu-jitsu is a very compassionate sport because I'm not, I'm not punching you in the head and making you bleed. If you're my friend, then I can't about humanity. All I want to do is maybe choke you and put you to sleep. Maybe control you.

Maybe just show you a little pain with a commora and go, knock it off. You know, this is what we have to do. Where in another situation, you know, I would kick you in the stomach, or I would kick you in a nut sack, and blood would come out of your dick. Well, I would kick you in the stomach. I would kick you in the fucking head with Jitsu. It's very compassionate, you know. When I got into comedy, I was very compassionate.

And I very am compassionate because it all, it all rose up. Trust me, guys. I'm not going to say, I've had my minutes. I've had my moments, you know. Some young comics think they know it all, and they want to get in your face. And you got to tell them, hey, slow down. I've been doing this for 20 years. You've been doing this for everything but three fucking minutes.

Slow the fuck down. You know, that has happened. And then the comic will come back to you and years later and go, hey, man, thanks for that night. I didn't know. And most comics do. Trust me, I'm telling you. But now that I'm older and, you know, listen, I was doing comic every other weekend. I went from doing clubs to theaters.

You guys know it was at the comedy store. I know a lot of comics. And after the transition two years ago, I don't know a lot of these comics. I look at the lineups at the store. You know, I was at the store for 23 years. I don't know those people. You know, not that that doesn't mean they're bad comics. That just means I'm getting fucking old.

When I look at the comics at the comedy seller, you know, I know Bobby Kelly, and I know, you know, Jim Norton, I know a lot of those guys, but I don't know everybody. These guys came out of nowhere. And I'm sure if they're at the cellar, they're fucking great comics. I'm sure if they're at the comedy store, they're great comics. but it's their turn now it's that fucking turn now

if I want to go out I could go out on the road and do weekends and shit like that but during the week the workout things I mean listen there's no rules to say I can't show up but I'm just letting you know how I feel sometimes if I walk in a room of the tellers there and Jim Norton I don't feel too bad

because I'm not the only bully in the fucking room you know what I'm saying but if I walk in these young guys look at me and they're like ah you know I'm sure two of the comics are going it's nice to have you here I watched you last week at the stress factory I saw you last year at D.C. You know, it's kind of nice.

But then again, on the other hand, and maybe they're not thinking or saying this at all. That's the paranoid, that's the paranoid mind of a comic. Maybe they're never thinking this at all. Maybe I'm just fucking worrying about nothing for no reason. Maybe they'll like that I'm there. Maybe they'll all hate that I'm there. I don't fucking know.

I don't feel like this. You know. like that. It's not even to do it humble. Like, you don't even, I don't feel like that sometimes because it's like, what the fuck? I just don't want to crash on their parade, you know? You know how many times people tell like eight people from their work?

You know how many times you have a day job? You're just transitioning to stand-up. Louis C.K. brought you into Connecticut for a gig with him. You're just getting into stand-up. You're thinking about quitting your day job. And all of a sudden, you're like, you know what, I am going to quit my day job. I'm going to book a night at the stand and I'm going to invite my employees.

And after I kill, I'm going to tell them that, dog, I've been a lot of, I've done a lot of comedy shows, Mike. And you'd be surprised. And you go, you know, after I kill, I'm going to tell the audience that I'm quitting my day job and I'm going to do comedy professionally. dog I did it you know you do faggy shit like that that's you know and uh what if I'm the guy that fucking goes up before him

and destroys his night I don't know him and that was his plan to go up there kill for eight minutes and then quit comedy do you know what I'm saying I mean listen the chances of this happening guys are slim and none but it fucking happens

and then you got to feel like a fucking asshole afterward when the guy's crying and shit like that because he's not even cut out to be like a comic he's like one of those guys who's going to do comedy for two years and then he's going to join an improv troupe and somebody's going to sneeze on him or something he's going to go fuck this i'm going back to the office so it's like i'm one of those guys that i respect the youth i wish i could put together a night where but then again i couldn't like what tony does would kill tony but give them constructive criticism like do destructive criticism, but then again, you can't judge a comic.

Listen, I'm going to tell you guys a lot of things. I can't judge you in three minutes. Mitzie sure could. I couldn't. I couldn't. God bless her. If you sent, like this is a kid that's been hawking me on Twitter. If you send me material, I can't, I can't judge it.

I got to see you in front of 30 people and I could be a judge. Now, there's a problem with that. Do you think I come up to you and tell you his jokes sucked? You know how many shitty jokes I have? So do you understand me? I'm not one of those guys. Like, I like to, I could do something for you in a positive, but then I wouldn't really be helping you.

Do you know what I'm saying? If everything was roses, I wouldn't be helping you. What I'm fucking saying is I'm not the guy to tell you that you suck, you need help. why don't you get my environmental writing package and I could go out through I'm not that guy

I'm not that fucking guy that's going to tell you that you know either you got like whenever I go up to somebody it's because that fucking killing when I went up to Eric Rocha when I went up to DiAgostino when I went up to you know

fucking Matt Fultron who when I went up to Rachel fuck when I went up to all these people because I saw something. I didn't go up to them and go, hey, you fucking show suck. What's that?

Yeah, the show, I can't do that to somebody. You know, when all those people were saying all that shit to me, those women, there was one woman that. I went up to the store a couple times,

and this girl was really pretty, really quiet and really sweet. Okay, and guys, I got a daughter, you know, you know, I ask sometimes.

I say some crazy shit We were in the green room And just, you know Like I kept doing a show I think it was Sarah Mello show I miss Sarah Mello She books a good show And she's really cute

And the girls that would come Were like they're fucking cute She had one friend that we talk about Weight Watchers all the time A little chunky cute girl But there was a girl that she always put up That she was helping out I'm sure the girl told

I'm just want to come up here for free You know Girl was fucking beautiful. But it wasn't Kim Kardashian beautiful, like Hot the Trot? It was like natural, beautiful, something that's really rough to see. She was really, really naturally beautiful. And I saw up there like three times. And she would call me Uncle Joey and shit.

And I got a kick out of it. And one night I get there and I fucking sit on the couch and I look up at her. And she had a great body. You know, she just had a great body. It just comes with it when you're at that age, you know. And I couldn't take it no more because when I was coming in one of the weeks, I watched it for a little while. I'm like, this fucking girl is funny.

You know, but I only had one problem with her, I had a problem that her tits were fucking ginormous. And they stuck out like two machine guns. Yeah. So I was in the green room and she's like, hey, Uncle Joey, how are you doing? I'm like, hey, can I talk to you? Not right away. I didn't just go in there and go.

She said something to me. We're talking back and forth. And I go, hey, man, can I talk to you for a second? I go, listen. I go, I was watching last week, and you're pretty fucking funny. You know, you really are funny. I mean, you're not ready to call CIA and talk to book your radio city. But you're fucking funny.

You're on your way. You know, you know when people are on that way, you're like, okay, if this guy's doing this now, and I've seen him up here like eight times, he's on his way. So I said to, I go, you're saying some great shit. but those weapons you have there they're weapons of mass destruction yeah they're weapons of mass destruction that aren't needed and you're killing on a match so if you're killing on the match why would you put those there that clunky girls are not going to like it and she was like you know what man i really appreciate that and that and that i saw later on and she goes it worked i went up there and i covered them how did you know

30 fucking, you know, you just go to shows and you start doing, you don't even have to say nothing to the girl. I just watch her, and then I'll watch the girl with little tits that hides them, and I'll see who did better. You know, and after you see who did better, you're like, oh, those things are just getting the fucking way. You know, so she came up to me, she's like, that's what I could do for you. I could twist you, do little things. Like when Matt Berry said to me, hey, you need to fucking wear a nice shirt, you're going up on stage with a fucking t-shirt. what? Nobody had,

you didn't have time to hire in his shirt? What happened? You know, there's all those little things, you know, how to grab, I could tell the, I could tell,

I'm trying to say the greenness or the immaturity in their both, I could tell when somebody's not experienced by why they're holding the mic. So if you came to, if you came to my club and I was showcasing you, not that I have a club,

and not that I would ever showcase anybody, but if I was showcasing you, even if you had good material I shouldn't say this to you but it's true the way you have hold your elbow out pinky elbow I could tell how inexperienced you are

and I couldn't hire you for the big big rooms for the little rooms I could because it doesn't matter you but just the way these people that carry their elbow out it's got to be tucked into your rib and it's little things like that that you know if I ever had the time to figure it all out I would like to write a book

It would take me like 10 years if you think this one took me fucking. And the release date on my book is May 20th, the 23. The date just got released on Thursday. It went into the book convention or something like that. So, guys, I can't push it up. I can't speed it up. Obviously, I'm not the rock or Mark Warburg

or any of those motherfuckers that could call up the publisher and say, I want my book out tomorrow. I don't have that type of juice. So I guess we'll wait until May 23 Until then I'll tell you a story a month Just to keep you fucking alive How's that cock suckers? I'm thinking I do an R.E storytelling show

May at the Comedy Underground Over in the village Just get my story chops Going up too So there you have it, motherfucker You see you think I was going to show up on a Monday With no explanations But Uncle Joey showed up

In a beautiful fucking Monday The 18th Ready or rock. This is a big week. Big week and more reasons than one. But the guys from laughing gas are coming out. They're going to bring some fucking the new rainbow ruts. And there's another brand they're bringing out that's up to date.

So we'll be excited there. And that's it, motherfuckers. And 421 is legal in Jersey. Plus, cops could eat edibles in Jersey. So I'm going to be dosing a bunch of motherfuckers. So if you see a cop swerving with his one light on, Uncle Joey dropped the 200 ABX on that motherfucker. That's it and that's that.

I love you, motherfuckers. It's Monday. We got a fun-filled week going. And I don't know what else to fucking tell you. I'm feeling good. I'm looking good. We're in a great position. And like Jimmy Smith says in Sunday, Anarchy,

you guys wanted me back? I'm back. Hey, Vatos. I love you, motherfuckers, with all my heart. Do not forget. I'm going to take care of you, motherfuckers. If you go to the ice cream shop on 420, I'm going to tell you what I'm going to do for you real quick, because I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. I don't want you to think that, you know, fucking Joey moves to Jersey. He forgets about all of us. It's never going to be that way. So what I'm going to do is this for you, motherfucker. If you come in to the motherfucking ice cream shop, if you buy an eighth, if you buy laughing gas at the shop will be by two, get one free. Plus,

the shop will also be giving 25% off everything that day. So if you like the ABX capsules, 100 milligrams, 50 milligrams, 25 sleepy time, the Kikamoto T is going to be on fucking sale. You know, all that shit you guys like. Plus, rainbow ruts, white truffle, sashimi, buy fucking two, get one free. How's that for you, motherfuckers? After 25% off. So we're going to take care of you.

I'm not sure what the other shops are going to be offering that have laughing gas. They might have discounts also. If I've heard anything, I will tweet you motherfuckers or Instagram you motherfuckers. But besides that, it's all over the shouting. I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. I appreciate the fucking support.

And now for a motherfucking word from our sponsors, Jack. All right, I want to thank you bad motherfuckers for everything you do for me, for your support, the love. But the joint is brought to you by it's 420 week. How we're not going to fucking be sponsored by the best fucking bong pipe bubble in the market. The freeze pipe. Get an ice cold hit every fucking time. It's like I freeze my fucking nut sack and you lick it and your tongue gets stuck to the skin. Just joking.

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pipe makes it. The joint is also brought to you by Better Help. Listen to me. Everybody has problems from time to time whether it's headaches, teeth grinding, anxiety. Listen, better help will put your back together tip, top Magoo. Listen, stress shows up

in a lot of ways. Anxiety shows up in a lot of ways. In a way, that's the world telling you to do more. This is your reminder to take care of yourself, do less, and maybe try a little therapy. Talk to some people. Let them know what's on your mind, what's on the hang now. Let them know how you feel.

Ever since I've been with better help, you guys have seen it. I'm not stuttering anymore. I got more confidence. In other words, Uncle Joey's back because it's customized online therapy that offers your video, phone, or even live chat sessions with a therapist. If you don't want to see nobody, I get it. You don't have to see nobody.

That's what BetterHelp does. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy. Give it a try. See if online therapy can help lower your stress. The joint is sponsored by BetterHelp. And listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash Diaz. That's BetterHelp.com slash Diaz. The joint is also brought to you by ZipRecruiter.

Listen, whether you're hiring, whether you're looking for a job, ZipRecruiter is going to take care. ZipRecruiter uses powerful technology to find and match the right candidates up with the job you're offering or the job you're looking for. Let me tell you some. I made a mistake and put some information stuff on a ZipRecruiter. I get things for jobs every day and I don't even have a resume. That's how strong ZipRecruiter is. They review the candidates and invite your choices to apply for the job. That's why ZipRecruiter is number one rated hiring. in the U.S. based on the G2 ratings. And now you can try ZipRecruiter for free at this exclusive web address. ZipRecruiter.com slash Joey. That's ziprecruiter.com slash Joey. ZipRecruiter, a better way to hire. I want to thank BetterHelp.

ZipRecruiter and the freeze pipe, but most importantly, I want to thank you, Savage's for all the support. I'll see you, motherfucker, is Wednesday morning. Tip, Top, and Johnny Magoo. I love you. Stay black.