The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #156 - The Church Of What's Happening Now

Episode Date: March 5, 2014

Joey's Uncle and Comedian Jerry Rocha are live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for 50% off your first order. Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Recorded live on 03/04/2014.

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Check out the premier vapor vapor pen on the market at Nailed ItLife.com. Don't forget to enter the discount code Joey Diaz. That's no spaces, Joey Diaz, and get 20% off of your order. Oh, shit. Oh shit. We don't know about that, Lee. What? Oh, shit.

My uncle's in the house. Jerry Lomonos in the house. It's a special Tuesday night, Wednesday morning type podcast to get your shit going. Go leave. Browse that motherfucker. You're going to dance. You're slipping. Oh shit.

He already ate a half of edible. He's going to finish the other piece. I got my uncle going nuts on the bongos over here drinking water. Fire water. What they're telling him in 48 hours. Fire water, motherfucker. What's up? What's happening, Lysiah?

Feels fine. Golly. Tuesday night, you ain't doing dick. You're at home contemplating, killing yourself. Who the fuck are you kidding? Sit down. Smoke a boy. bone, kick up,

and let's do this shit. Oh shit, kick it Lee. Frank that motherfucker Lee. Whoa, oh. Oh, motherfucking shit tonight. Load at Lee, you're killing me here. You're supposed to be DJ Melly Mel.

What's happening, brother? I don't even need the headphones because Theo's just keeping the beat. That was great. I was down. I didn't need the headphones there. The Lazaro's dropping. Lee, where you've been all day?

You don't call you all day. You're unpacking. What are you fucking unpacking? What did you pack up? What the fuck did you pack up? up. I've been talking for a week now. I've got to go home and unpack. I got to go home and

what do you do? You take one cup out and then you watch your ESPN. You smell the hummus. You eat some chips. Is you packed the juicer? Yes. You just ask me the question. Who loves you more than me? How are you doing? Everything all right? You have a good day today? I had a great day today.

What'd you do today? Had a podcast with Rick Ramos, had a podcast with Josh Wolf and Sarah Colona. All right. What did you do in between that? I went home, had lunch. Unpacked a little bit and took a nap. Any jumping jacks? How long was it for? About 45 minutes.

What'd your dream about? About a life where I didn't have people bothering me all the time. Questions. Nobody fucking bothers you. I got to unpack in a day. If I move somewhere, I can't fuck around. I can't go to bed with a box full of shit still. It drives me crazy.

Right? Right? Just got to do it all done. Get it all out of the way. He packed everything. He packed posters. Of course. What are you going to throw it away?

I went to his house. They had Goodfellers. He had more fucking Hollywood pictures than Hollywood. It's a man's Chinese studio. there. Yeah, I like movie posters. You connect all your movie posters? That's pretty neatly. How long you've been collecting them for? No, just a year. I always, I would usually buy new ones every time I moved, but I just, I

haven't bought new ones yet. And you buy the post and they frame it for you? Sometimes. That was new. I usually went to Target and bought the cheap poster hangers, frames, but I actually got a couple. And you make your own frames? No. Just the plastic ones at Target. And you do those yourself, is what I'm saying. You don't take it into a frame. No, no, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, Just a cardboard back and you put little plastic things on the sides just I'm not too old to have like tape on the walls What my help goes in the house tonight? What's up deal everything all right everything is okay How you doing I'm doing good? How old are you now?

75 you look fucking great. I was looking like you walking yeah he looks good He takes he walks five miles in Griffin Park every day you have to how long you've been doing that for you know A long 40 50 years you've been walking five miles of a day at Griffin Park? Well, sometimes, more, sometimes less. Depend how you feel. That's amazing.

You have to. You sleep good. You can go more. You can go more. You just go a little. You go a little bit. That's amazing. Three miles, four, five, six, seven,

even eight miles. And you believe walking is the best exercise there is. You don't need Obama care if you walk. You don't need a doctor. That's true. Straightens out your whole spine, straightens out your back. No pressure on your knees.

like people who run like idiots just running as fast as they can where you're just trashing your knees to hell by doing that especially on concrete you're crazy you know just walking you'll be five miles a day forget it that you'll be fine if you walked five miles a day

every day you would be in tremendous shape I mean in New York I walked a lot from you have to 94 when I went back to New York my body wasn't still in shock I was still in that walking shape. Yeah. From being in high school and growing up, that it's amazing the damage I used to do. I used to walk

over to George Washington Bridge and sometimes just walked, 1705th down. Just walked. I couldn't do it no more. That was like 148, 143rd. That's 50 fucking blocks on the bridge. That's 50 blocks on a bridge. And it's three hours of walking, you know? I would walk on purpose.

Why, because I didn't have a car when I remember, I lived in Queens. I would just take the train, drop me right off at Times Square, and I would go all the way down to the village. I would go all the way up to Spanish Harlem sometimes. And that was, I mean, if I had a day where I had nothing to do, I had a show late at night, fuck it. That's what I would do. I lost the most weight I've ever lost in my life just with a year that I lived in New York City because walked, walked, walked. That's all I did. And you just love, you end up liking it.

But you actually end up like loving it. Like I stepped in homeless people shit. And I was like, fuck it, and I'm going to keep walking. I'm having too much fun. Like, I'm just going to scrape it off as I go. I don't care. I'm going to keep going. What may you start walking, Theo? I don't know, I guess I got that from Cuba. You used to walk a lot in Cuba? Run, Cuba, I run a lot. Wow.

From the police. No, you didn't deal. No, but you used to run a lot in Cuba on the beach as a kid? I practiced, I practiced, just go to the park. I used to go to the ballpark. Okay, I see the ballplayers, they're stretching out, you know. And I look at them, I said, oh, they run, they walk back, and it's right there. I play a lot of baseball in Cuba.

What year did you come here to you? 1956. Wow. December 16, 1996. Yeah. Nine days before Christmas in a new fucking country. One day before my birthday. Yeah, your birthday is.

So how Americanized with Cuba when you were living there? Because that's when it was still a big tourist spot, right? Like that was America's like Godfather too. Americans were there all the time, weren't they? Oh, yes. You know, I started talking about it. about Cuba and a lot of the Cuban who like about, you know, my views. Right, right.

So it's, it's, it means, uh. Who gives a fuck? That they so, I like, I saw a lot of, you know, a lot of crap in Cuba. Before, when I was living in Cuba, yes? Before Fidel, okay. I didn't know Fidel from, you know, and Cuba still suck dick.

Cuba, a few people had all the money, and a lot of people were poor. Sometimes I go play this. baseball, I come home, nothing to eat, nothing. I send my little brother, go get me some bread from some lady that buy a lot of bread, bring me a couple pieces of bread.

Sometimes I send them a couple of times. He said, well, you already send me one time. She don't have no more bread. I said, I want to try again. And she'll go and she'll get it. That's the thing that when it sat poor, Like, you know, I told you my whole family's from Mexico. We would always go in, my family's from Laredo, Texas.

We would always go in Nuevo, Ladeo. And when I was a little kid, my great-grandpa would take me to go get a haircut. And I was like, four years old. And I would go play soccer in the streets with these little kids. You can't do that now. Like, there's no way a white-looking kid could go. He would get kidnapped or whatever. Because it just got so bad.

And so remember that scenic godfather, too, when they're stuck in traffic in Havana. Right, right, right. And the rebel jumps into the police car and blows it up. and Michael says, well, that's why they're going to win because he's not getting paid to do that. He's not getting paid to do that. He's doing that.

He's not getting a paycheck for that. That's, I mean, that's when those countries are so important. They have to have something to turn to. You know, you have to have something to rally around, whatever, to give you any kind of hope. And even if it's the wrong dude, if he gives you that little bit of hope,

fuck it. You're just going to run with it. It's scary. It's amazing how, in my whole life I've met two people who said that Cuba was no paradise before Fidel. You and this Panama

Indian lady in New Jersey said that Cuba was even worse. That's if it was very racist. He spoke about how racist it was. Police would beat you up in the corner. For no reason. And you see three or four guys standing up, you know, just talking in the corner. That's the way you do in Cuba.

And the guy say, I don't see no more, I don't want to see no more than two people standing here. Go. And Batista's regime is that bad, too. Right. Right. Well, he took cover. by force in 1952. And who did he take over from?

A guy named Priio, Carlos Prrio. And how bad was he? I don't know, I was just a kid, who cared? Whatever. But I used to, there was no water. No water, you have to, my mother have to fill up bottles from 11, 10 to 11 at night. Because the water got shut down.

at 12 o'clock, I see no water. So you get all kinds of bottles of water and you just fill them up. Need the deal. Now, I was in Cuba in 79 as a tourist. I went down there to see my family. I got arrested. So you can say things about Batista,

but then I go to Cuba. They take me to dinner. We went to that beautiful town, Baradero. But they were standing outside a restaurant there. The restaurant is closed. four o'clock and we see the people moving things inside so it comes this black guy from Cuba and he started talking to my sister you know and he says let me go talk to the manager here see what's going on so he goes inside the restaurant

and I hear an argument said I see what happened the black guy was arguing with the you know there's people outside it's raining and I told the black guy hey let's get out of here man and the manager say You shut up. Me? I said, you're full of shit. And I walked outside. So, five minutes later, he opened up the restaurant.

We went inside to eat. We eat it, and then they come to police. I see the guy pointing at me and pointing at the black guy. He told me, finished eating. I'm going to have to arrest you. And my sister get up and say, why? Why charge? Well, he says some things about Fidel Castle.

I told my sister, well, I can't eat anymore, so let's go. The guy said, let me have your passport. This policeman, they gave him a passport. So he says, I cannot take him in my police car because he's not from here. But he had to follow me. So I follow the guy to the police station over there, sit around. My mother was there too, you know. He was there.

My grandmother. Yeah, just sitting around. all of the sudden, they come three guys. He said, okay, you come with us. The guy, you know, we drove around Havana for about 15 minutes, and he stopped in this house, knock on the door.

Ah, Wustin! The guy started yelling. A Wustin! A Wustin opens up the door. And I see him like a wiping up his eye like he was sleeping and said. He told, I got one for you here. One for you.

So we go into a little room like this. I was still sitting, or he's sitting down there, and I'm here. And I'm trying to make a conversation to get the feeling of what happening. Until I was, this is a beautiful day, huh? The guy, don't look at me. This is beautiful, don't I?

The guy would look. All of a sudden, three more guys came in. we got to go to immigration. They took me to immigration. There was this little black guy over there, officer. What did you say at the restaurant to this man? Because he said, you said, the little castle sucked dicks.

I said, no. I said, I don't care what that guy said. He can say anything he won't, but I didn't say what he said, I say. Then the policeman says, the guy from immigration, I don't believe you and I don't believe this guy. out of here back to the station so let me go but they said you're gonna have a trial tomorrow nine o'clock in the morning trial for what because of what you

said so nine o'clock guys have to be here I don't have no passport so I have to do it so I we went I saw a lot of a lot of little trials like a somebody stole a chicken from somebody you know people We're just... Civil court. Judge Judy over there. It's three o'clock. It's three o'clock.

It's three o'clock in the afternoon. It's still there. And I said, can I speak to the judge, please? He said, okay, I go in this room. I ask, listen, what I come from, if he's no, if he's no, we're going to go get that guy. You're going to find him. Oh, we know he's.

Okay. There comes a guy around, yeah, 3, 3, 3, 4. o'clock the trial starts they call the black guy because he accused the black guy also but the black guy was coming I said not they asked what did you say what did he say the black guy said listen whatever this fool says if lazaro has said what this guy said he says I would crack his head wide open right so So the guy sat down. They called the policeman.

The policeman name had my same name. The guy hitting his... Sight him so. So the policeman said. They asked the policeman. Was Lazzarro drunk? No. Was Lazzarro angry?

No. Was Lazzar was talking loud? No. It's okay, sit down. Now they called me. And they asked me, well, what do you sit there? I said that this.

guy was, I said, I don't know if I'm allowed to say what I say, but he says, say it. I say he Come a Mieta. It's full of shit. That's what I say. And the judge said to me, listen, the country where you came from, maybe they talk that way, but not in Cuba. I wanted to tell the judge, I learned it here, but I could. I still be in Cuba with a long beer probably. If I would I learned that here. I didn't learn in the United States. We don't use words like that in the United States Commonplace.

You know. You don't say that here, calling me. That's amazing that we hear could talk, like, sometimes when I hear people talking about the president, whether it's Obama or whatever, bad, my thing Bush years ago. The Bush fucking beaters came out the last two years,

the Indigo girls, what the fuck are they today? Yeah. They can't even rent the fucking studio. They can't even do fucking... theater anymore with their fucking guitars for speaking up what happened to the end ago girls didn't weren't they the ones that so talked about Bush Dixie Chicks too Dixie Chicks too what the fuck they're done that's it done like those fucking Harry Pussy band in Russia without the new chugs the pussy the pussy right how many times they got beat up yeah man they don't fuck around but you know what's different though what's

different is a lot with the edible though a lot of people yelling at one that's yelling that's yelling his name he's got to finish that but there you go home I got her right here Lee hasn't finished one. He had a quarter on Monday. I'd let him go. He never walked on Monday. He didn't even get the $100 bill for me. I sent him on a mission.

I go, go home on this edible, so you don't go fall asleep. I got to Ventura in the sun and walk back. I didn't walk to Ventura in the sun and walked him. I followed him. You know, you know, I'm a Jew car. I ain't going to give you a yard. I did too walk to Ventura.

You got to front of your house. You looked around. You looked at the rain cloud, like by Orange County. You ran back inside like a Jew, and you said, Fuck, it's going to rain and now. You don't think I know, but I know. Eat that gum.

So all it would have taken was one person to have lied and said, no, he said that about Pastor. And you're a year in prison. That's right. One guy could have been full of shit, just so walked in. No, no, I heard him say that. And that's all. The black guy is the black guy says anything like that.

Now the black guy was a strict-up communist? Yeah. How did you know he was a straight-up communist? Because he said over there, he took all his paper. I'm belong to the communist party, so-and-so. And this kid has said, But this guy said he says, I would have crack his head wide open right there where he was. Wow.

So they just said, he could. Man, I'm fucking lucky a week. Oh, shit. That's what I think is a lot of people here like to watch news stories and complain about, you know. And yeah, a lot of people do get fucked over by cops here. But a lot of, you see these blogs and we're living in a police state. No, we're not. That's a police state.

You know what I mean? This is, yeah, I mean, there are definitely cops who fuck people over and brutally you know but we still have certain freedoms here that you just can't get anywhere else it's amazing how they you know it's just it's i never knew it was like that in cuba until i knew some guys that came in 79 and they were living in san francisco and i was living in san francisco and they were telling me stories about cuba my fucking jaw drop and that's when i got a full appreciation for the whole yeah i got appreciation for some cuban things but i also got like a lot of appreciation for the American things that we were able to talk about.

When we went that night and we met with Emmy and we went to Cantor's Deli in Hollywood, we were talking about stairway to heaven, how they had an album and they had a pass around. If you got caught with the album, you went to jail. And when they were singing it, I learned that night that, you know, whether there's communism,

whether you rock and roll, you can't hold it down. We weren't even talking about drugs or something bad. about music how that's when I learned the power of fucking music look look there was as racist as America was right

Chuck Barry got his deck sucked by a lot of white chicks back in the 50s you know what I mean Chuck Barry got his dick sucked by a ton of white chicks as racists they probably were racist too they put hey music it just does something to you spit the come out of his mouth and said

your fucking nigger yeah they ran away they probably did that's the worst banging the world. Yeah, but he'd got a dick suck by way. He was banging white chicks all the time. You ever hear that? Remember years ago, Rogan had a bit about the most places where they watch mixed races is in the South having sex. That's where the biggest demand is for mixed race tapes. White women and fucking black guys, black guys fucking white women. The clan leader, you heard about this, right? No. This is the greatest story. You should Google this. The leader, one of the main guys in the fucking KKK, maybe two years of

ago got busted because he was, he himself was filming just a train of black dudes fucking his life all the time. He was filming it. He was putting these porns together and it was a head of the KKK. What would Fidel do to him? Oh my God.

What was that? Letting some black guy fuck his wife 20 times over. He had a room full of black dudes. Is that the guy? Is that the one? Lee, is that he pulling up? It didn't come up. So before you came from Cuban, in 1956, Cuba was already bad. There were bombs exploding in restaurants. You know, Fidel was beginning to, you know, make noise.

But, you know, what happened with me, it just shows that some guys want to be a hero. Like, hey, I found this guy, said something about Fidel. Maybe I was a big fish. I was nothing. I was nothing. Because even at immigration, this is how stupid this guy was, the immigration officer.

He asked me, what kind of work you used to do in Cuba? I said, well, I work in a theater. He says, used to own it? What did you do? I said, I used to sweep the place. I mean, he don't check my age. I was old enough to own anything

when I was in Cuba. I didn't have a bicycle. So yeah, the guy asked me, you know, he's looking for a connection. Why I said what this guy said, I said. He's looking for, maybe this guy, we took his theater and he's pissed, and I wasn't piss or nothing.

But what he asked me, what you did to do? I used to clean up the place. Now, how old were you when you came here, Theo? 19. And you came by yourself. Right. And what did you have to do in Cuban those days to come here?

Just go to a fucking airport and go, I want to come to the United States. No. No, you have to go through immigration, American Embassy. They ask a question, what you want to do, what is your plan. I want you to go to the doctor and get an x-ray. She said, see if you're sick. You know, got some kind of sickness. And that's it. But my auntie, she was the one that put the paper.

And she lived in New York, you said. Right, right. She lived in New York. That was our grandmother's sister? Right. Right. And then you looked at her and my mother went off on her. Well, there were three kids in there and I wanted to stay, you know, my cousins, I wanted

to stay, but she says, no, there's no room for you. I said, ooh. That was the end of that. You know, they called your mother after, after, years after, to see if she could get in her husband. That guy was in Canada, but he had tuberculosis. And if you had that kind of sickness at that time, you can come to this country. They would not allow you.

Because that's tough, you just, I'll be talking to you and I breathe on you and I get... TB, yeah, yeah, yeah. At that time, it was no cure. Now there's nothing. Now it's... They give you a heart. Shut up.

So, in 1956, all you had to do was go to the fucking U.S. Embassy and go, I want to go to the United States. What's your plan? I'm going to get a job at a hotel. Yeah. Do you have any family yet? Yes, I do. Okay, boom.

Come by the fucking morrow. Can you imagine it? Wow. 1956. And a lot of the people came from Cuba and went to Las Vegas and got jobs in casinos, right? Oh, that was after 59 that Cuba shut down.

Yes, that's after 59. We saw a whole bunch of them. I'll tell you one thing. I was going to Cuba that same night. I left New York and I was going to Cuba. But I changed my mind and I came to California. I was working in New York for some guy I called a name. His name was Ralph Nelson.

He was one of the producers for the Toilet Zone. And I used to work in this hotel over there. And the guy said, listen, I like you. Would you like to come to California and work for us? Okay. I said, well, okay. Actually, I was going to Cuba. But I changed my mind at the last minute.

home yes it was that you're gonna give up no no no I just just just a visit what was it like for for Cuban people like what did he was a racist back then what was it like for something like a 19 year old in a new country here he's been missing for me here mm-hmm it's been this for me everything is gone just fine I make money always work always did just come to California or were you in New York New York okay I didn't like that I didn't like the people. They were very cold, you know.

Yeah. And they live in an apartment house. New York's a cold place. They got three or four rooms in there. Some guy is screaming in the hallway. In the hallway and I tell this girl, let's open the door and help the guy. He said, no.

We don't do that here. That's it. They just let the guy in the hallway. So you always worked hard, deal. That's why there was kind of no, like from the time you got to New York, you were working. Right. And you were making money. Just the same way people come to this country and try to make a living.

You weren't doing nothing wrong. No. You weren't like my mother. You weren't like your sister. No, no. You were just trying to make it. And then you hooked up with this guy. You came out here.

Yeah. Rob Nelson. Where did you move to them? Where did you move to them? I got over here and I called him. He told me, Lazaro, I got bad news for you. I have to go back to New York. They were staying at the Chateau, my mom.

Oh, well. That's what they did. Well, I was staying, he told me me me staying here. He told me I got back in it for you. If you need any money, you want to go back, I give you some money. I said, no, it's okay. I'm okay.

I'm okay. I stay here. I stayed. I stayed. And how long did it take you to get a job when you were here? No, no, maybe a month. Well, how? Two weeks.

And where did you sleep at first? The hotel. the Seesaw Hotel on 7th Man It's still there That was what they found That girl dead up there Up in the top of the thing, right?

The tank Right there In the water tank or something Yeah Remember that Asian girl Went missing And then they found her dead body In the tank

And I think they still know who did it Right? Yeah, they're not sure Wow And how long did it take you to learn English Because it's interesting to me Because I started dating It's

To me What I used to do When I was in Cuba I work in a theater. Okay. And I was just lots of movies. All the movies that show were American movies. So I would go behind with the screenings.

They had a big speaker and I stand back there just to hear, just to get used to, you know, that's awesome. And I would practice, burd-bl-bl-d-r- Yeah. That's what it sounds to me. Yeah, of course. You know, so. But something funny happened. I'm here two days.

I go in at a Mexican restaurant, I think it was on 7th Street, right in the corner. I figured, well, let me go eat down there. Spanish food. I didn't know anything about Mexican food, tortilla, nothing. Tortilla in Cuba is nothing but a couple of eggs. Right, right, it's different. Tortillas is just an omelet. I come over here.

Oh, really, tortillas and omelette? Yeah. I come up here. And I said, let me have this. And the lady says, you want tortilla? I said, oh, come with this? Yeah. She said, they breathe the tortilla.

What is this? Jesus, tortilla. Try it. And said, this has no taste. Put it up with it. All of the second, there is this Cuban guy sitting right down there. Whole guy.

He said, you're Cuban. And said, yes. The guy was about 50 years old. And he sat on my table. He says, listen, I work at the Wilton Theater in the elevator. I know the guy in charge. he might give your job you want to go with me and say yeah we took the bus we got to Western I didn't know the guy tell me hey the guy's not here that's great but I live

two blocks away from me let's go over there and maybe he'll come back later so I go to this human guy I'm a youngster guy all the second is it I saw a lot of checks around you know she's check money all over. So the guy, all of a sudden, he pulled out some pictures, sex, sex, and right away I said,

oh, this guy wants something else. Oh, man. Welcome to Hollywood. I told me, I got to go, man. You're the first cue one I know here and is this way. It's starting out bad. The first fucking person.

I talked to the guy was saying, he says he's just stay and sleep in the couch I said fuck you

know me I said you're looking for a hospital you're looking for somebody to fucking there I'm out of him I just suck the fucking

how come to those people how come to those people always fine yet your lowest time no question they sniff that fucking vulnerability right out of

sniff the depression the fear maybe he's having a bad day he'll suck my dick let me invite him over you get over

and then you get over you don't want to suck their dick and they get depressed son of my bitch that is How scary is it, Theo, coming to a new country? I mean, I'm trying, while you're saying this story,

I'm trying to think in 1985, getting on a plane and going to Colorado, not knowing nobody. Is it scary coming to a new country? No, not to me. How old were you? 19. 19. Just turning 19.

You're pretty enough time to be scared. You're just excited. No, it's okay. I was happy and lucky all the time. I have a lot of confidence, you know? Yeah. I learn English. fast he was you know

fast I got like that did you make it a point to on English because I know the mom of the girl who I'm dating has been here for like 20 30 years and just doesn't and in the neighborhood they live in she doesn't have to so like was it did you make it a point to like not live with Cubans and only speak Spanish and was it important to you because I know for Joey you said your mom made it a point that you could speak Spanish inside the house but I would say to speak English

well she had a good point for him. It helped you a lot. My kids, they don't speak Spanish real good. I mean, they get by, but you throw a word at them. Sometimes they have to call me, they can't find me. They can't find me, forget it, you know. But that's good. I had no part. I didn't study some, when I work in the theater. I used to get this book. They belonged to your Uncle Louis. He passed away, passed away. He was a singer also.

Uncle Louis was the best one. As a kid, he used to sing churches and things. He was, he wasn't your brother. Yes. He was your brother. Yeah, my brother, the oldest brother. Oh, wow. He was singer, man.

That guy, he sent me some tapes from Venezuela years ago. Okay, he was in, what is it? He was engineers, some kind of engineered electronic. he was one of the guys, you know, he got into politics. Me, I didn't care about politics. But Uncle Louis, your grandmother called me and said, could you send some money so we can get Uncle Louis out of the country? He's in the embassy of Venezuela in Havana.

So I sent him some money. Then I find out Uncle Louis and a group of Cubans blew up all the refineries. Oh, they got together. They said, well, they didn't want Fidel Castle to get there. And when Uncle Louis came here, he asked me for some money. Let me go to the United States. I said, well, why don't you bring your family? What are you going to do here all along anyway?

No. We start talking. He says, this happened in Cuba, and I couldn't let the San Luis get all this. I said, yeah, but you didn't hurt him. You didn't hurt him. You heard the people. Yeah. Yeah.

You know, he disagreed with me. I said, no, you hurt the people. You don't hurt. If you got a gas, they've got tanks of gasoline in his house. He'll be fine. He didn't. He died. He refused to go to the doctor.

He got him a doctor. No, I don't want to go. What's going on? He died. They said, he was screaming my name. That's what they told. He was screaming my name. He was still pissed off.

The doctor. thought I was his father. Why is he screaming this guy's name for? He's calling his father and he's, that's what they told me. And after a while, they called me again to send some money to his wife, Venezuela, because they say he was in a hole. They put him in a hole.

He died and they just dumped him in a hole. That's it. And his wife wanted to bury him. I sent him money. Now, when did you get into music, Theo? How old were you when you first got involved in music? After I came here. Never in Cuba.

A little. Very little. I should see a lot of roomas in Cuba, you know. Did you ever take the idea? Did you ever think of the idea? Did you ever think I could do this? My sister, my sister, no. My brother married the girl that lives in this,

they call in Cuba, Solar, which is a place like this with rooms, only one bath. So you live here. Yeah. That's what we call it, Solad. So these two have. Rumba's there and I used to see crazy people dancing and falling down on the floor and twisting and you see it you don't want to play the music they get they start looking up looking crazy

and then they just boom fall to the ground and roll and roll and I used to see that but then I get here I tell you what when I came here in 56 no no in 59 I came down here They had some combat players. They didn't know anything, man. I saw it just, when the Cubans got over here, forget it. All those guys just, they were afraid. I didn't play for too long. I bought a business, $10,000,

bought a business, and got some money from the SBA. I got a bar. You see the place? I won't want to be out of? 40 years. 41 years. 40 fucking years. 40 years.

I'm going to die there and probably come out and pinch the woman's in their ass. Do something. So you're a musician, you got married, that type of stuff? Right. And then after that, you had a family, so you said, fuck the music,

I got to make a living. Right, the music was $25 a night and banged my hands like an animal. You have to be an animal to play those dead drums, you know. some good friends that play music like my son's godfather Modesto Duran he was a great person in business you know was also a great player he has some albums everything Francisco Avella he passed away a couple years ago mongo Santa Maria he passed away also

Kiki traviso he worked with me there passed away everybody's gone And one of the few Cubans here, they can tell you about the past and tell you about the present, okay? Not many people can. And if they do, they would lie to you. Because I came here before Fidel Castro. I can tell you everything before Fidel Castro. I couldn't tell you too much after because I've been here. But I can tell you what was happening.

People don't like that. You can probably find maybe 10, 15 people. That's amazing. And what band are you? I don't know if I told Jerry this. You were in the band with the lady. Eartha Kid. Eartha Kid.

Oh, wow. Yeah. Oh, that's awesome. Yes, the stone. Man, that's badass. In 78, I was working already at my business and some guy came to say, let's go. I know the guy named Valdez. He used to play trumpet and con a drum.

He went to sing. Let's go. We need a lot of people. About 40 drummers up there. We used to open up this. Man, we just rocked the place. I got sold out for, I think it was seven nights. Wow.

Every night, 22,000 people at the farm. And they used to throw joints. We were playing behind this glass. The guy, joints. We always goof around, and we meet at Langers, and we crack jokes. And he always tells me the same story. It's one of those stories that, you know, I came out here in 73, and I got to see my uncle in action.

He had fucking three jobs. Yes. Three fucking jobs, you know. And I went to all three jobs, you know, and he had a family. I forget where the fuck he lived or whatever. And I didn't see my uncle for a while. Then my mother died. My uncle flew in New Jersey, and my uncle was like,

what the fuck is this? And the whole time my uncle would look at me, and now it's like night number. Because the wake was like five nights. right there was like a fucking weekly tour yes she died on the Tuesday and then bury it till Monday wow so it was five nights of fucking viewing oh man right well um your stepfather um he told me that the reason they waited because they thought I could make it in time that was his explanation but we were standing

together right next you called me you went to the sign and called me hey T. you smell something. You smell something. I said, what? And we went with, she was laid out and I smelled something. So I asked you, said, did they do a bad job on her? What is it? He says, no, this is so animals.

What animal? Like chickens and fucking dead roosters under her fucking casket. No. Yeah, it was crazy. The Santeria was alive and kicking. Oh, yeah. Whenever I think of my uncle, I think of two situations, the one when he came in that day. How many people were at the house?

A lot of people. There was a lot. It was like, you really can't describe it. It's such a dark time for me, but it's such a hysterical time. Like, if we ever did a movie, it's going to be the funniest set death scene ever. My house. I remember. It was, and it went.

It was like from Juan came, and then a friend of my mother. came and then 50 fucking people there and it's November 10th it's freezing in New York the door is wide open and people coming and going and then people started saying oh she said if she ever died I could take the lamp oh man that shit started happening and I'm sitting there you know I'm a fucking kid and I'm sitting there going you know it doesn't matter take the fucking lamp she's dead you know at that right and I didn't even believe she was dead at that point you know eight hours after you find the body you're still in shock I didn't believe but there was one scene where

there was a lady who had had a stroke and her face was putted oh yeah and she had like a dead little hoof hand she was a Santa Rear lady from the Bronx she showed up and at one point I remember like my stepfather's in the kitchen Lazaro and me are talking I look up the stairs and I see her walking like a Macy's bag like a little limp you know and I see one rush to this lady because my stepfather just did didn't give a fuck he rushes to him and she's like see you guys later he goes he grabs the bag and he takes two dresses out and under the dresses there's two minks

of your mothers of my mother's and let he just turned pale she's like she said if anything ever happened I could have her mix and he just went off like this was like they like it was just a crazy this is a fucking movie like I remember going to like I she died I went to breakfast I called my uncle I called her friends, and then they told me to go to a funeral parlor in Union City to identify her. I'm fucking 15. I got to go, identify her, and then I go, they go, what do you want to bury her? And I go, you know what, right here.

Right. What do you want to see her? I go right here. I go home, I'm relaxing, and two hours, some fucking guy comes over, some Cuban guy with a suit and a dark guy, handsome, and he goes, can I talk to you for a second? Listen, man, I know you already made a commitment to that guy in the Union City, but when I got here to this country, my first Christmas, I had no money for Christmas toys. I met those guys. And your mother and your father bought my kids' Christmas toys.

Oh, nice. And they never asked for the money back. So we want to have to bury at our funeral parlor. And I had to call the people and go, it was a mistake. Yeah. And then it was a Cuban funeral parlor, which a white funeral parlor, two to four for the viewing, five to seven. Cuban funeral parlors 24 fucking hours

And people show up When the fuck they want to So it's day three And me and my uncle laugh About this story constantly It's back with flowers There was fucking flowers Everywhere

She knew everybody The people at the track The people at the taxi cab company The people at the OTB Track and Betty I mean everyone's there Mayors You know because in that area

You paid a politician At one time another they send you flowers Right. So there was mayors, and all of a sudden there was a gay guy, and his name was Martin. Oh, that guy. And his name was Martin the Fag. You know, everything in... Of course it was.

It kind of spells it out. Makes it pretty clear what you're getting into. Everybody in the neighborhood called him Martin the Fag. His brother owned the Bola in the corner in North Bergen, which was... Guys, this is an Italian neighborhood, and this guy owned a Cuban place on the corner of... Liberty Avenue which is heavy duty yeah and he sold Cuban steak sandwiches out that's why they fell in love with him it's like that Mexican joke you do I hate Mexicans but right that food's good yeah so uh Martin the Fag was a santa

ria guy but he also sold coke wow and years later ended up rob of them okay he put the whammy on me and shit right so this is terrible he's at the feel tell him Theo so we're at the thing just tell him what happened well did One of the funniest thing was when they took the body out of these funeral parlor, and somebody's carrying some pot full of water, some water, some water, I guess it has something to do with some terrier stuff. And somebody's matched, I mean, everybody was, you know, standing there looking that way, and somebody from behind just as much as this pot right on the, people started screaming because they didn't. want to be touched with that water. Right. They was like death water. Yeah, man. That's like when

Israeli Jews jump in the water, that water in the tub, they throw up people, they put them a lukon. You're going to sing the people making it. Everybody's screaming, ah, you know, I said, what the, even me? I said, what the, I just, but the other problem was when they got to the cemetery. Another problem before then. No, I want you to tell them a certain about Martin the Fagg, when they went crazy to the feet of the war. Oh, that guy. We're standing there. And this guy, and this guy is telling his mother, you beautiful girl, he's got this little brush. No. You're so beautiful.

To your mother? She's dead. She's in the casket. You beautiful. What the fuck? I love you. Look at you. She looks so beautiful.

Oh, God. The guy started punching the walls and knocking all the... It was a white guy acting black. You know, I love to. I love to. me instead. She was my sister. Take me instead.

Yeah, take me. Take me. This guy. He, I think the guy closed the funeral Apollo, he's got to get out.

That had that end to the party. Because this guy can, he kept punching. Pursy. Parties over. He kept punching

the walls and knocking everything down. He went crazy. He was from war to wall just banging on everything. What's up with the gulme? That's crazy. I never forget me.

I mean neither. So this guy had probably the biggest reaction out of any family of anybody right he reacted no there was a couple people that had drama there was people that was right it was a 24 hour well I understand it's how hard that must have been on the family

because what fucking family was me and him I know that how can you mourn we would just sit there exactly you're in shock you can't mourn you just in shock you have to host you know this is a man that'll tell you stories of 148th Street when I told him I was going to beat this condo play up

when I was there at the Santeria party so he knew the madness of it That's why he didn't live in New York. Right. Because he loved his sister. But the madness, you know, if he ever takes you, if we ever get together for lunch and we have hours, like we can't go into this. We don't have enough hours. Right.

The magnitude of her life. How big of a person she was. Like nothing was, she would give you a $10,000 bracelet. And you would just sit there and go, why are you giving this? Because I bought it and I don't like it. Yeah. Wow. You know.

Come with me to a Yankee. game I'll give you $5,000 like stupid shit but that was her way of saying I love you and she was generous she was retarded whatever so the funeral was not going to be anything light of

first of all guys I'm telling you it was a 24 hour wake that means that we had ships right you did the morning the morning you get the evening and then a couple nights I just said why am I going to go home I didn't want to stay in that house by myself I just found my mother in the kitchen so I

what I want to go. Right. So I'd sit there and at two in the morning, you had to see the people that came in there from the bars. Wow. With flowers and a bottle of Scotia. And I bet that was probably heavy because she owned a bar, didn't she?

Yeah. These were the people that, you know, in those days there was a Cuban community and it started on 57 in Hudson. A brindy. There was all a café, a tito, a crude 38. These were all Cuban bars.

Yeah. And these customers would go from bar to bar to bar. And they'd drop money. the same, you know, the same way Henry and his buddies. Yeah, Henry and these buddies, Henry Hill and his body, they went to 15 bars, and the last bar they went to is where they could run a tab. Right. And then they would work the tab scam.

But in those days, that's where you just saw all those people would show up at 3 in the morning. And I'm never being at 3 in the morning and seeing people at the funeral are doing cocaine. Fuck. Talking a tone story. In front of the body? Yeah, giving the body bumps. What in front of the fucking body? Look at them.

What in front of the fucking body? I'm talking about. Giving bumps to my mother talking to her and crying and putting up. Everybody who showed up, let me tell you something. If they exhume her body today, she's got to have 25 bottles of pinch. The pinch, the bottles of pinch, minimum, 25 of those little ones. Probably five of Johnny Walker, something black or red. There's got to be fucking an ounce of blow in $20 in Bindles.

weed, Santa Ria stuff, swimwear. All that's going to be it. She took everything with it. Swimware, jewelry. She took everything with it. They gave her everything.

All those people that would come late night would put cocaine in there and fucking... Shit. Coffrocks and fucking machine guns and a knife so you had to fight a leopard in the other life.

It's just amazing. I love those amazing. He got those to do that too a little bit. You put things in and you're like, what are you going to need this for? They're not going to need a rifle to do anything. You're giving them a gun in their casket. Every time we get together, it always comes back to that funeral because it was five days of fun.

Madness. Madness. What about the other, like, was there a rivalry with the other bars in the block or was everybody cool? They were all cool. No, no, no, there was nothing like that. Yeah, yeah. Everybody was making money. It was doing something illegal.

Those people knew how to do business because they did business and they didn't shake up. They tried to do it. Nobody rocked the boat. Nobody rocked the boat. And that's why when they did rock the boat, they got pissed because they didn't want no problems there. Right. At those bars. There were five or six Cuban bars.

But there's always somebody that funch it up. This was a Union City, an Irish bar, that neighborhood, that they didn't want any problems. Now there's no Cubans left. Now, that era is gone. That's a different era now. That was 30 years ago. Those people now live in Miami or something. It's just amazing.

But the really amazing thing is that every time I see my uncle, we always talk about the fact. We always bring up Martin the fag. Just breaking the walls down, screaming. It was just something that, and then, you know, the funeral or all that shit would happen afterward. That was nothing compared to those five days. Lee, what's the story? Everything all right. You're waking up over there?

You're doing jumping jacks? I'm up, dude. What's up? What's going on? What's going on? That gloomy bed sitting there with a lonely scream? You know what the worst? I felt bad.

But when you were telling the story about the smell by the casket, just because I know you, I was sure you had farted or something. And you brought your uncle over it. No, no, no. Let me tell you something. Now, who put the Santa Ana stuff in there? When you, when a, in Santa Maria. Who put that shit in there? In Santa Maria, when a person passes, it's fucking amazing.

It's fucking amazing because the police come over, the medics come over, they identify the body, whatever. If it's not a gunshot head or it's not a murder or something like that, like a natural death, okay. Somebody shows up and goes, you can't take this body. Someone in Santeria. A Santeria person shows up and says, according to our religious rule,

you can't take the body until we do a ceremony. So I remember a Santeria guy in my neighborhood dying that I was tight with. And this is what happened. I mean, I was like seven and I wasn't allowed to go in. But I remember the cops are there and they have a ceremony where you can't take the saint with you.

So you got to take that saint out of you and that you still leave a king or whatever. But part of that thing is like all the other ceremonies, they kill animals, sacrifice animals, and then you either take the... It's all when they question the saint what he wants to do.

Does he want to take the fucking animals with this? Again, we don't have the time. Sure. Went wrong here. But the Santeria powders and the waters, she died on a fucking Tuesday.

The animals were cut on Wednesday. It's Thursday. It's Saturday. You know what those things were stinking like? Yeah. So what they did was they had the casket and they put the stuff under her and they had a curtain. So people were walking up going, what the fuck? That shit wouldn't even airtight. That was just out.

No, it was out because it was just, it was, it was just horrid. And it was, it was five days that as you got to remember my situation, like my uncle was the anchor because at that time, my stepfather wasn't with my mother. So he was there. So I wasn't really talking to him. Right. You know, I wasn't really talking to him. So my uncle was the one, my uncle, and this little Cuban lady named Solida.

So I remember when we had the body on the car, you and I was sitting in the same inside the car, and the three ladies were sitting in the back. And the driver, I think it was a white guy. And I saw him kind of eating his hand, he was driving, I guess it was a smell. the smell because he started, you know,

the car stopped and the car stopped. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And these ladies in the back, you heard of, start throwing up. It was just fun. And the driver stopped

the tank car. He went across the street and talked to another guy. I got out of the car. I went to the car in the back where your stepfather was. And I told him, let me ride in here

because it's a problem. in that car nobody wants to go and he tells me I give you $50 if you go back over there I said I give you $100

if you go It was it was such a fucking Wow man And that went down like that And they had I guess they threw the shit in the floor

before they put the body over it So now you got to tip everybody Yeah You got to tip the white guy In the high low Right excuse me The high low And he's like

Why according to me Jersey rules, do them. Okay. And you just throw the animals in there before the fucking, before the fucking, it was just a, it was five days of fucking hell. That started on a Tuesday night. Shit.

It started on a Tuesday night and then, uh, went. But it's funny because I didn't know, my mother never spoke other roots as much as, yeah, she spoke about them. You know, I naturally navigated to Kongas. When I was a young age, I always played drum. And she was, always go, you should go out to California and hook up with your uncle.

You know, he's a musician. And after all the years, I find out about my family in Cuba. You know, I find out that player of Ayo, that Emmy, Eki Alfonso, stop with the fucking thing, Ricky. But Eki Alfonso is, you know, a musician and his sister and their cousins of mine, and their parents are also musicians. And you were telling me that, you know, we have like six or seven cousins that are involved in music.

How the fuck did I get involved in comedy? How the fuck did I get involved in comedy, Lisa? You got the answers, Cucksucker? Play some music. This is my cousin. You played me. This is the male. This is great.

I heard it. There's the Lenny Kravitz sound of shit. But they're in Cuba with a dream. And that's all that matters, Copsucker's right here. The church of what's happening now, the Cuban edition. This is a champ, dude. I remember you sent me this. Yeah.

It's a fucking punch. Go, Lee. Wiggle fuck with your life now. Who's falling here? Huh? Oh shit, Lee. Let me see your wiggle fuck. What's on the other of the week?

It's still sitting on a table lonely. You know, it's a motherfucker. It's such a... It looks sad, man. It looks sad, buddy. Keep that with this fucking thing out. I was, I'll get you to record. My uncle's here.

Seventy-four years old, hanging out with junsters, and you're sitting down like a fucking looping. This is a fucking jam, dude. Now Theo, they're part of it. a national band that travels, him and my cousin. What do they do? Are they just an band in Cuba?

Who is? Yeah, Echis. Ekes is part of the synthesis group. Now, I think him and the girl are going solo from time to time. Like, Michael Jackson in 91. And when their parents need help, they come back. They come back. They want to record.

They come back. That's cool. because this girl was in Mexico. Emmy was in Mexico, she was a big hit. Play Emmy's song. Emmy, we discussed it, but I see Emmy in the States in two years. I see Emmy replacing the void that Charday left. Nobody ever replaced Charday.

Nobody ever had that style. Emmie's got it. If you see Emmys videos and her music on YouTube, play at Lee, Lee Francois. You know, the kids have taken that... their music into different direction than the parents. Right, right. The parents are doing the Afro-Cuban.

Yeah, the Afokuban with the kitchens. Tremendous. On a Tuesday night, you're sitting there with your thumb up your ass. This chick's in fucking Cuba. Lee, what are you low in it for? Hit that motherfucker, dog. So next time you think you ain't got the world by the ball play this chick's video.

She probably got a flute in a fucking Coke bottle and she's doing this shit. There's the money. shot right here. She just takes it to the hoop here. You're like, Joey, is that French? What are you asking me from? Just... So for people listening, it's

E. M.E. Alfonso with an F and it's X Alfonso with an F, just the letter X. It looks like it's a really good song. I wish I could chime in and listen to this. I don't know. I'll throw you off. I don't fuck that you fuck that up. I even called you

and said, what is it that we need? Did I not? Did I not... Did I not... Did we not get the microphone? You didn't say to me, leave the extra yardstick for the speakers. You didn't say nothing about this. So you have forgotten all about the goddamn speakers. What's the speaker?

Just slipping. The fucking earphones. That's right. Like we said, what you expect? Somebody who talks to some mute to come over and do the podcast sitting there. Fucking with some guy next to him clapping and making noise. Is that what you think? That's what I was hoping for.

What's going on with the other edible say? You still haven't touched it. You got to get to the same vibe. You know how many things I dropped today? I dropped Gumi Beads, Fluffy Bears. I came here. I was excited to see my favorite fucking flying Jew. This is how you treat me.

This is a respect I get. Let me give a shout out to my sponsors. Onet.com for your maximum fucking help. Today I took a strong bone. I went to Jiu-Jitsu. I'll tell you what. When I first started going to Jiu-Jitsu, I can barely do a hip-escape.

I'm doing hip-escapes. I'm doing hip-escapes. With the rollout. Today we did judo flips. I fell. I broke falls. And then I got the Saita and spa for 15 minutes. Yeah.

I'm learning how to breathe. I'm getting better. But let me tell you something. I did those three fucking sessions today with the class and a half, hour and a half, and the three. And I'll tell you what, I could still have gone. I was just scaring myself. Like, now I got too much fucking oxygen.

You think it's because I'm better than you? No. Shroom tech has helped me. It's like my own little personal breathing. They're those fucking prioritic mushrooms. I don't know. Get fucking Joe Rogan on the email. I'll go on the Internet webpage.

He'll break it down for you. All I'm telling you is I'm a fat fuck that takes them and they work. Go to Joey Dears. Dot net. Go to the honor box and press in. Church. minute and fucking get 10% off and everything not not the ropes and the fucking scuba suits and the t-shirts when any minerals they have that new digestive enzyme they have for the proteins

and the fats and the carbs the alpha brain any of those minerals give you a shot Columbus did you're sitting there on the fucking couch you're eating peanut butter you're looking to start somewhere you know it all starts with fucking you cocksucker so go to honor dot com so that's now you're taking care of your help you want to look good you want to smell good you want your balls to look good You go to dollar shave club. They got three different packages for you. The dollar, the $6 or the $9 package. If you go for the $9 package, you get four blades sent to your fucking house every month with the aloe strip.

Your face is nice and sharp. You don't even need it. You go two weeks. You go to one raiser to your girlfriend. That's where she shaves a little fucking stinky monkey with her ass. They got one white charlie's that smell like peppermint for your muffler. They got the cocoa butter for your shave. That's not including the $6.99 or $9 or $799 or whatever the fuck I'm telling you.

What I'm telling you? What I'm telling you? What I'm telling you? $1,6 and 9. One, six, and nine. If you want the Mr. Peanut fucking asshole wipes, that's different. And if you want to fucking want Mike Charlies and if you want the other stuff, that's completely different.

I take care of you, people. I introduce you to these things. So you go there, you get what's coming to your Hulu Plus. Same thing. If you go on the webpage by yourself to Hulu Plus, you get $7.99 a month. That's it. That's a great deal.

Guess what I'm giving you. I'm giving you two weeks for free. That means you show up with your dick out in a bottle of champagne with a straw, and you say, take me on yours. You sit there and you binge on show. Whatever fucking show you want to watch, community, this, that, the dirty whore on CBS, they're all on there. Documentaries.

The show's coming soon. What, yeah, the dirty wife, the one with the wife, she's a cheater. All that shit's on fucking Hulu Plus, all right. Go to Hulu Plus.com, better yet, go to joeydiers.net for the tour dates. Go to the Hulu Plus blocks and press. Joey. Joey, J-O-E-Y. The same thing, what's the dollar shape club code?

Church. Boom! Church! Get a dollar, $6 or $9. That's how we fucking do it here, right? Jimmy LaRocca. Let me give you some shoutouts to some fucking savages. It's a Tuesday night special audition.

So we're changing up. We got four fucking guests tonight. Oscar Nunes, Michael Anjali and the Angelli brothers, ugly kid Joel, and Nelia Samuels. My heart goes out to he found out his sister was fucking a black dude. The family is entangles. They threw the yarmikas out. It's all over.

You know what I'm saying? I guess Jews don't like black people fucking the sisters. What are you going to do? Do you? Thiel, imagine so, too real. The Cuban world

of the day is Mamma la Pinga. All right, tremendous deal. What's happening, Theo? I don't know. You guys talk

about this, some chick in that black guy dick. There was a guy. There was a guy he was in charge of this big

business or the electrical park business. And one day he comes to the bar he's drinking, he's drinking. He's drinking.

Somebody says, something horrible happened to me. Oh, no. I went down to my boat. I went down to my boat. And I saw my wife, suck this black guy there. So, okay, the guy, then two vice officers walked into the place. And they looked at the guy looking at the guy, I thought, oh, he has a problem.

What's the problem? He said, well, I said he found his wife suck the black guy's dick. And I asked him, what were you doing? This happened to you? He said, I killed myself. Look at my uncle. Cracking funny. But that's it.

No, no. But I said to the guy, what did the guy would have been white? They just took off. I'd be just as upset. Either way, it wouldn't matter. across the border racism starts in my family yeah open up the door a little bit

what am I gonna steam me to death when there's a Jewish song about the door to get some merit in here a little bit okay just a little bit we ain't gonna hear nothing it's all right nobody's here it's fucking down of clear

yeah who's gonna fucking be here what is that chick notarizing in that right now there's nothing what is it what the not all the way Jesus Christ Jesus Christ Lee you forget the speakers

you don't get an air condition You got a fucking check for this on an IPO. We got the fucking company commander to send you an IPO and everything you're slipping. You got the room in here like a steam battings. You know, you got to show up with a fucking towel with a yarmulah on it. With a star, we're going to be sweating here,

smelling like fucking hummus. You can't wait to get out of here, can you? Some fucking, like when I was doing blow, I couldn't wait to get out of a comedy show. Really? Oh, are you fucking kidding me? The only reason I was there was to get the $50 I was going to get me so I can't go buy a packet

You know me either man I can't do any of that stuff You think I want to fucking follow half these people Instead of the club Hey yeah yo yo yo yo yo yo You're sitting there going What the fuck am I doing with my life Lee right now I saw him before And I can see him daydreaming about hummus in the Mediterranean

No you gave me an edible If you're talking to me about Air conditioning when I've told you about 18000 times And you tell me my mom I'm bed What's the questions? Mind your business Cucksuck I don't know what's 18 What's the air conditioning He says the air condition don't work for some reason.

For some reasons. 8,000 degrees in here. Are you guys paying for this shit? No, no. We're getting this for free to the fucking out. Well, they should put this. Are you fucking crazy? Yeah, we pay for this.

No, there's no. There's air. If not, we'd be dying in here. But this is controlled by the one person with a lock on it. You understand? You know all these buildings on the stage. It's 72. That's what cool is for them.

And there's nothing you can do and you can't argue with them. When you go to a hotel in Vegas, you go to your room, you put it down. 60? Oh, it's fucking 78. It never goes to 60. Go down to, they want the whole building. They want you to think it's 60. Meanwhile, you're sweating like a fucking pig in your fucking room. I might as well

go downstairs and gamble, fuck it. It's funny how we on the podcast, we talk about self-improvement a lot to you. We talk about music. We talk about family. We talk about drugs, addiction, weight. You know, how to get yourself back together. And one of the coldest realities

to you have had in life was the one you read me. In 1984, it was a shock. And this is the other part of this, that, you know, my mother and my uncle were fucking poor. You guys were fucking poor. You lived nine kids. You had to wait until the father went to sleep and you threw spitt balls at them and fucking crazy shit.

And they knew what poor was. And my uncle came over here and decided to go to California and did this life. That was the right life. And the meanwhile, my mother decided to do a life That was a wrong life. There was a lot of money made and spent, as he'll tell you. And it was a shame what happened.

You know, one day I found him on the kitchen floor. And then you have to move on. And then my uncle offered me to come out here. My friends in Miami said you could stay with us in Miami. And I turned them down and I wanted to do it my way. And for the first two years, I worked. You know, I worked part-time. And I tried to, you know, whatever.

I made ends meet however I could. I was in high school, so I was living with a cop and I was selling drugs, you know, pot and little pills. You know, we would go to a college and buy acid, and we had partners, and it was great, I paid the bills, you know, and I learned to be a man. But there was something about me, Thiel. Like, something was missing. Like, something wasn't, something wasn't right in my life, you know. And I was raised a little spoiled, you know. I was raised a little, very spoiled, you know.

there's times I wish now that I go you know if my mother didn't die what would I be like today I wouldn't be doing this I would never be a comedian I would have been I would have been one of those 50 year olds that lives with his mother and you know he knows he knows I'm not lying to you know I'm not going to sit here and lie to you people

and tell you that things happen in your life and you either have to adjust or you'll sink and that's what happened in this story but there was levels of it you know I'm not going to tell you at 25 I knew what the fuck was going on nobody you know Yeah, I was doing something. I was thinking about our 20s.

I was thinking about when you were 20 to you and my 20s. You know what the 20 is? 20s are the waste of your life. No matter how old you get, you got to think of what you did in the 20s and every decision was fucking wrong. Whether what subject you picked and graduated from, what college, the girl you're fucking.

Everything you're doing in your 20s is fucking completely wrong. Look at Lee, look at me going, Joey, you're wrong. Wait to your 60. You're going to go, boy, was I wrong about it? But not you. You're a sharp kid. I'm talking about people who are like, yeah, I'm going to go to the Air Force Institute to fly jets. And you're looking at him going, dog, the other night, you got jipped at the 7-Eleven by some Hindu with change.

How the fuck you're going to go measure wind speed and shit? You know, and something wasn't right, bro. And there's a lot of people at 27 that something wasn't right. I stumbled upon my uncle at 21. I came out here with a story out to California. And my uncle told me something, that I was pissed at him for 10 years. He goes, the world don't owe you shit. you gotta get a fucking job

you know he goes if you stay here I'll take care of your food and I'll take care of your life and everything else comes I think I asked them for pot and can I get 20 hours for a bag of pot and my uncle's like are you fucking kidding me

I'll take care of your bills I'll give you food but everything else comes out of your pocket you want a cocktail that comes out of your pocket you want to eat Chinese that comes out of your pocket I'm going to give you a sandwich that's up to you and he said that to me

I had never heard those words from anybody in life, people are scared I know your mother I know your mother, I know your mother gave you everything I can't do that Yeah, it's, it's, I, you know, my 20s were the obadi, that's when I started comedy I started when I was 18

Because I didn't want to go to college I remember thinking I hated high school And I went to community college for six weeks This is the fucking same as high school There's no difference There's nothing different between this and high school I don't want to do this shit. I knew what I wanted to do.

I was already doing open mics. And I told my mom, I said, look, I don't want to go to college anymore. And she just looked at me. You know, my life was just my mother and I and her boyfriend, who was my father, you know, because I never met my biological dad, you know. And I told us, and her heart sank. And she looked at me, and she goes, this is going to be a really hard thing. Because the people who try to get to that, you're not going to see anything until you've been doing it for a long, long time.

And said, but she looked me. because if that's what you want to do with your life, I don't want to raise a miserable kid. Be happy, go chase it. It's going to be hard. You're going to be poor. You know, I'm like, okay. It was just really weird.

What you, I never knew. I never knew that that was the other side. I was living in this fucking fairy tale life. Yeah. You know, your life when you're a kid is this fairy tale life. You know, Lee told me this thing there. They goes, you know, kids today, they want to go to Vegas and stand out line. And they all want to be with Kim Kardashian,

and they want to do this shit. When I was a kid, I didn't want to know. that deal you know what I wanted when I was 21 I wanted to have a Mercedes Benz I want to have jewelry and I want to have a blonde and I want to have a penthouse and I wanted to sell coke and do coke and go out four nights a week and get my dicks up and fly to the coast and if I wanted to go to a stones game a Stones concert and Arizona whatever you want I could do whatever I wanted it but then there was the most important thing to you I didn't want to work yeah I didn't want to do anything I it was this

fucking thing it was this this lifestyle I had been introduced to so that's why when I see kids and sometimes I see things it happens to a child later on in life they have this ad and they have to adjust they can never adjust to it and for me it was dropped on me right fucking there but I didn't get it like I thought the day that my doomsday when I was when I was 16 and my mother died no it was a day I came out here and I tried to fuck with my uncle my uncle's like no you have you have nothing coming to you in this world and I remember going to prison and thinking about my uncle going, fuck, he was right.

Yeah. Like those words were fucking right. You have nothing coming to you. And this podcast, and we talk about it constantly, this could be easy for you, or this could be hard for you. Whatever you want to get into, whatever you want to do. But you got to start with one thing.

You ain't got dick coming to you. Those people at the bar that you think you're hanging out with the Kardashians and some fucking bar in fucking Oklahoma, and you think you're at a VIP section. Those motherfuckers come and go in your life. And I didn't think so. I thought that that was it. You're going to hang out with these people to your

60 and everybody goes to the bar. Give them a drink. Give them all a drink. Yeah, let me get it on the tab. Let me get some lobster. And you're like, that's all great. But how are you going to fucking pay for this shit? Yeah. So, Theo, I owe you my life because ever since that day, that changed my life completely. That was the fucking beginning. That whole year, that was the fucking cream on the crop that you read me the riot act.

You know what's sad? Those are you, there are guys your age that believe that they're owed everything. and it's kind of scary when it's sad when you see it every fucking day I see it people that walk around I see it especially in comedy You see it kids in comedy Can't tell you a story real quick So I'm in a club

I'm out of town last week I'll talk more about it on my podcast here too But this piece of shit A comic from here Happen to be in this town right Who he was trying to get in at the club I met this guy one time Seen him do comedy two minutes stops

Right And brutal and he just goes, we sit down at the bar, and he just, because I'm a familiar face, he acts like we've been best friends our whole life because you're going to tell him about me, right? You're going to tell them how good I am. You're going to let these people know this.

And I was like, and I just pretend I didn't hear him. I was like, no, yeah, it's a real good club, man, it's fun, have fun. And then the door guy comes over and talks to me, and he says hi, and Rize he's telling me, hi, the waiter, because the bar is at the back of the room, right? The bartender brings my food to me, and I'm talking to the door guy, and as I'm turning around to get my food,

this fucking asshole has taken a handful of my french fries and starts eating him. I don't know this guy. You know, my girlfriend doesn't have the balls to do that. Like, you know, like, I'm not going to grab food off my girlfriend. And I look at him, what the fuck? And he goes, oh, man, I'm sorry, I was just really hungry. And I'm like, that's funny because so am I.

That's why I ordered this shit like an adult. I found something in the menu that I wanted to eat, and I fucking ordered it because I'm hungry too. The fucking balls on, you know, but again, he expects me to, oh, make sure you tell them. I'm going to eat. food off your fucking plate. It was crazy.

And then he's just following me around the whole night. And finally he said, look, dude, I've seen you do two minutes. You want to go tell him that I saw you do two minutes and I didn't even know if you were funny or not. Just shut up. But these people, they expect everything to be handed. And this guy was an adult. Like he was a grown, probably in his mid-40s to early, you know what I mean?

And how can you go through life? But they do it. It's like they think that they're the guest of this. planet like somehow the planet earth has invited them to be here and the planet earth has to cater to their every fucking year the attitude at that age and he's going to comedy clubs and doing that is because he's done that all along yeah see it's a pattern so once you live that system in your head that I'm just going to show up you know it's it's a funny thing I am a great guy I am a great guy deal

with comics especially because I was at the other side of the spectrum no question You know, you told me once a story about a friend of ours that told you he only talked to headliners also. Oh, boy. You know, there's a bunch of comics that have this fucking thing, you know, and I helped comics out. But then it started getting, it started with me and Braya. And Braya was where I learned the comics that I don't even talk to, Thiel. They don't call you. They don't call you and say, how you're doing?

And they show up. Hey, man, this is great. Isn't that the best? You want me to go up on stage? And I'm like, no. The minute you get a head one, didn't you. I don't know who invited you here. Yeah.

I don't know who the fuck invited you here. I remember. Why would you... And then you know that they have rooms. This is when you really get pissed off. They book a room. They never call you. When they have gigs, I know they book gigs.

They never call you, but then they show up, and then I had to take comics aside and go, come here. Tonight I'll put you up. Don't ever come down here. I invited again. And I felt bad for a while, but I noticed that I lost that element because the word got out.

The word got out. It's when I go on the road. It's when I go on the road. People hit me up for guests. Don't hit me on the road for guests. I don't know you. I don't know you. Number two.

I have a show. I got two guys. That's it. I don't need some guy coming in for one night trying to gun in and dunk. I don't need that. If I know you, if you come to Florida, you're there one day, get up there.

If I just happen to be hanging out or something, get up there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there's people that come in looking around, like I never even knew they did comedy here. It's that. It's this attitude that. just fucking kills me.

And I want to thank you, Dio, for straightening me my shit out. Because after that, I still fucked up, but I always had that in the back of my head. And that's who, that's what cutting me out today. That really cut me up today.

Do you remember, I don't know if it was Irvine or Brea, but one of the times we went there, there was just those older comic in the bank, just sitting around talking, and, like, he didn't even try to go up. Like, he's just, like, this older guy. He looked like a dad in, like, khakis.

And he just sat in the back and, like, took notes. and like the entire time we were just glaring at him and like there was no reason for me he didn't even try to go up it was some of one time you had me in Brea right and this is about when I first came back

so maybe four years ago and I never forget like at least four dudes who were not invited showed up begging for a spot and you just kind of very bluntly laid it out

and it's it is if it is fascinating. People fucking expect it. They just somehow think that by, you know, you're not, you're not our guest here. You know, it's amazing. But they do. It's amazing how you have to draw a line

in your life with people sometimes deal, which you did. And you have to draw a line for yourself. So do these people become your enemy? No, they just become nothing. They become no and yes. They say that you're a dick now. Oh, he's a dick now.

You know what I think? I think they try to become your enemy. So it gives them, so So they still feel like they're important in some way. When at the end of it, really, they're nowhere on Joey's spectrum. They're nowhere on my, like, I'm never going to think about that. You know, but if, you know, like, he might, I'll get, every time I get a plate of fries, I'm going to guard him, you know, like I'm going to cover. There's so many things in life that goes back to respect.

That bedrock do, no oppropio, the respect you have for yourself, and the respect you have for other people and the respect you have for yourself as a comic and comedy, you know, in comedy, the big thing theater is to go, and if they give you 10 minutes, you do 20 minutes. You know what I'm saying? Why are you going to do that? Why are you doing this? I'm going to do that, though.

This guy did, okay, this guy does this. That's the shit. There's little fucking edges that have to end. You know what? If you're not at a fucking club performing, don't come support. Don't come support. I don't want you to come on support.

If you're a comedian, don't come on. If you're getting on stage, come on down. Yeah. And I understand you if you come to the second show after you do the show. you did the first show someone You did all joys me out of stuff

You did hyenas Right And whatever And then you come to Addison For the 11 o'clock show on Saturday Yeah You worked your two shows Okay

But the show up at 8 o'clock And sit in the green room And eat the food And order from the waitress That's creepy It drives me fucking I don't want nobody in the fucking green room I don't want nobody in the fucking green room

But it's back to the respect issue You You get into this What you put interesting You're a musician deal You had the same fuck. I remember when I came out that time. You worked at a Mexican restaurant,

and you were at a house band. On 8th, yeah, yeah. On 8th. And they gave me salsa. Jerry La Roca. I come from New York City, and they said, taste the salsa, and I taste it to salsa,

and the heat went through my head. You know how wasabi goes through your fucking skull? 18 times? This went through my fucking head 18 times. And it just, I don't know if you get to cry. and Theo had to put ice cubes in my mouth. But I always remember that he had three fucking jobs.

Like, we didn't stop. If you asked me what I remember from 1973 when I came out of here, I remember that... Went to Disneyland, yeah. We went to Disneyland, you had the water thing. That's the first time I had ever seen a fucking water machine. Those people that put the cup under the water and pulled it under that.

That to me was fucking huge. I went home and told my mom, we got to get a fucking water machine. SeaWorld, the Dodger game. the place where you worked at night, the beach, it was just the, and I fucked up,

and he sent me home, pissed off, he was mad at me, my uncle, but then I didn't see him for him. You get complaining. Where's my money? Where's my money? You took my money? That was a Cuban Jew dog.

That's hilarious. If I gave you $10, this is how fucked up I was. If I gave you $10 and I saw a SeaWorld thing, I go, Theo, give me 50 cents. I'd still say, where's my $10? Right. I don't know, it's $9.50. Now, fuck that.

You had two quarters in your pocket. That was my fucking money. Last Monday, we played Batato and Tortico here on the podcast. Remember the Cuban music we played? I know if you want to put it on our walk-a-vaca. Get a little jam going. And my uncle tells the story

one time we went to a Santeria party. Yeah. On 148 Street in Broadway, right? Wow. And there was all these bananas and shit. Tell the thing. We walking to the door. You tried to pull the bananas to the side.

They had this banana bruntie. right in front of the door. I mean, you say, well, how do you get in here? You have to push big. Wow. You know, and I say, well, is this a gorilla party? There's tons of fucking bananas, bro. And every door jam.

So every door jam, every door jam, every one of those bananas. A thousand bananas in there. You ever see one of the long shorman halls bananas, they put the hooks in, and they pick up the bananas. And it's just a fucking tree of bananas, dog. It's amazing.

They would have those in every door jam. So you had to move it like a boxing. That's amazing. Yeah, yeah. Like a heavy bag. And there was a Santeria thing, the Congo players. So there comes with Patato, walks out of the house. And there's Coco.

He's a kid, you know. And he tells Patato, you know, we're the same size now. We can go out. He was a small guy. He was a small guy. We're the same size now. I wanted to beat him up because he wouldn't let me play in his band. So I wanted to be a part of the Congo players.

That was good enough. And he goes, now you got to get better. You got to go to. I go, what do you want me to fucking go play? I don't know. Now you got to go to a park and find Puerto Rican and shit. And I'd fucking look at him and go, you motherfucker. You just cock blocking me.

Even at TED, I had like that fury in my eye. With the same size now. I told my uncle, I don't know. Fuck this motherfucker. I just need a backup. I just look at. As long as my uncle was there, we just had fucking backup. See this kid for real?

And you know, Dio, I went to see him, like, seven years ago. He played at the House of Blues. I was at the Comedy Store. And I was still doing Coke. I was still doing cocaine. And he was old. He was fucking old. Patato, right?

And I went to the House of Blues. And they said the show started 11. It was like 10.30. And he goes, Patato around. And I go, yeah, he's in the green room. And I walked in and I said to him, do you remember me? And he looked at me and he goes, holy shit. And he got up and he hugged me and he started crying.

And he goes, you used to fucking torment me when you were a kid. And he said something. He hugged me. He used to torment me when you were a kid. And within 10 minutes, he was like, where's the cocaine? And he goes, get me something. You got to get me something. Wow.

He used to hang out at your mother's bar a lot. Once I was at the bar and your mother told me something to hold, Hey, will you hold this for me? And he saw it. Oh, is that I see this guy. Hey. You what? So please.

Please. Give me whatever she gave you. That's hilarious. There's a lot of musicians that used to play that beginning at all your call. Alright. I got a quark drop there for yon. You want? Oh, you're going to Toto and Tocico.

Pottato and Tocico. Yeah, go on? No. No. Oh shit. Get the Puerto Ricans and the knives out. It's over. We're sinking that motherfucker.

A little late-night Cuban restaurant fucking food for you. Lee, what's up, Cocksucker? Get up and wiggle for a minute. What's up with the edible? There's one little piece there waiting on you. Yeah. What's up, Lee? The church of what's happening now, baby.

New Jersey this week, Thursday through Sunday, Saturday. Stress Factory. Oh, baby. Next week, Chicago. Zanis, three locations. Rose Mead and downtown. It's two locations. Whatever the fuck it is.

No, there's one in Nashville. Three locations. There's one in Nashville. No, no, no. He was right. I'm in two locations. There's Nashville. There's a bunch of them.

Are you excited for New Jersey? Yes, I am. I'm going to see some friends. Do you leave tomorrow? Yeah. It's fucking amazing how many people are coming. That's been great time. I have no material.

I remember what you said. You said at every show. You still done the recordings to the CD. You'd be driving down and look at me. That's how we feel, though, man. You've got to remember. I have. no material. These people see me in September

in Jersey. I probably have three jokes instead. I'll be all right. You have no idea. I'm going to bring back, I can't bring back Losey Snorbush on certain nights. Because she'll be there. She'll be there. No, I don't know. I heard a rumor she was coming Thursday night showing the people like, are you

crazy? She lives in Florida. That's hysterical. So I don't know what's going to happen there. I got Ray Canella coming Thursday night. Oh, yeah. Ray Cana and his brother and Bobby Bender and the other cops. They're all coming Thursday and Friday. I got a different group.

And then Saturday's the big chunk. It's Chuck McBreen and 35 people. Wow. They're coming to one show and then 20 people coming to another show. So just in kids from high school deal, I got 150 fucking people. That's got to stop my phone today. If you guys thought shut the window as big, you guys might get arrested this weekend. Yeah, it's 35 people.

35 for the late show. Is Danny B. coming down to me? Danny B. will be there Friday night. He's taping for HBO. He's taping for somebody. Okay. He's taping for somebody, a gambling show. So he's coming and watched the shows.

They got permission to shoot. That's going to be fucking crazy. Oh, shit. HBO special. So, yeah, no, it's no HBO special. Get it together, Cox, he'll be othering those words. I'll get sued. I'll have to fuck you up.

So what's up with you deal? What's going on for the future? You still work every fucking weekend. How old are you deal? 70 fucking 5. You still roll around in the floor every week. He still serves cocktails. He goes down there on Mondays and cleanses.

up the fucking bottles. Look at him. This is why he's still a young fucking man. Five miles a day, man. Five miles a day, Monday through fucking Friday. He has sleep apnea? You still got it? Is it bad?

It's still good. It's good. It's good. It's good. But that's not bad, guys. This is what it's all about. It's taking care of yourself and not. Dude, I'll be fucking lucky if I look half as good as you.

Yeah, so. I'll be lucky. Change your diet and stop eating all the french fries and all the stuff. It'll be okay. My girlfriend got me off red meat. That's a big one. The more red meat, it's amazing how much better I've been. It's amazing.

With me, it's the soda. Soda's a killer. I even stopped drinking the diet zone. Diet's even worse, Jerry. Diet's even worse. I stopped eating the white bread, you know. Oh, that's horrific. You had to kill that.

Yeah, I killed all that shit. Diet soda is worse than regular soda. I got 20 years yet. I look at my uncle, he's 75. I'm 51. That means, you know, if everything goes as planned, I have that longevity. Her grandmother lived to how old she was she? 93.

Wow. I can see Mercy at 20. That would be a beautiful fucking... It'll happen. Watch I grow up to be a woman. So this is why I go to the kettlebells. Like tomorrow I'm going to leave at 8.30. I'm thinking I'll wake.

I know I'm going to wake up at 4. Yeah. And at one point I'm going to go outside and grow kettlebells for fucking 30 minutes. I know it before I get on that plane because I'm sick about it. I'll take tomorrow off and then the Wednesday and then Friday and Saturday I'll work out at the hotel. What time's your flight tomorrow? 8 a.m. that's not bad

no because I got everything I already got upgraded oh shit yeah that's great upgraded Darren back like that bang zoom first on man

I gotta get to the airport early because then you get that spot by the elevator yeah you know I fucking mac on that shit early if you go two in the afternoon it's not there those aren't there so you got to drive around the circles so now when you get off the plane on Sunday

you got to walk three miles fuck you I want to park right by the fucking elevator I get there in there's six spots right there. I can pick my own. I can park in three of them. Did you do a Burbank or LAX? Got to do LAX to go cross-country.

You know, unless I want to go to JFK. I got no business up in JFK. Right. So I got no business. Unless I want to take True Blue and end up in fucking, whatever the fuck. Was it True Blue? Jet Blue, whatever fuck it is.

And I end up in goddamn JFK on a Thursday afternoon. JFK is bad? Where I'm going. You know, I'm going two worlds apart. Yeah. That's like me landing on. at 5 o'clock to try to make it over here by seven that's not gonna happen

why are we doing that to save a hundred bucks aggravate somebody no way that's all you're doing is aggravating one of your friends you know you call them to those that's when motherfuckers call you and go you know pick me up in the night before they go oh Kennedy and you go like what not new work no I told no you never fucking told me I didn't specify I ain't picking you up and fucking Kennedy yeah it's like people calling you and going oh yeah yeah and you're like yeah I'll pick you have an awesome they're like oh uh Ontario uh wait a minute it looks like you'd be on that motherfucking 2-10.

I hope you put a skateboard in that backpack, bitch. Fuck you, Theo. No, these people are crazy. And when you usually take those planes to save $8, you're saving $8,000. You're saving $8, guys. Now you've got to get in your car, to do what, to fly in the middle of night. We did enough

of that as comedians. You know, any fucking buses I took is a comic. You know, connecting. I lived on Greyhound, man. I paid my fucking dudes on a bus. I fucking get Pink Guy doing a show. Shit. That was...

The longest I did. took was from New York City, Port Authority to Dallas. On a Greyhound? I was doing that's what, four days got to be, right? That's a three day trip? Sunday at eight Oh, it's Express at least. Express. Okay. Okay. You get there Monday at like four. Yeah, yeah. And I got to the night. That's the first time ever I saw

the Dallas Stadium. Cowboys. The Cowboys. And I almost shit, like I was crying on the bus, but I had to keep it together. Yeah, man. I got to the train station at the bus station was John Wesleying, a comic from Houston. Yeah. This is 1996. I was in New York

and I was going to take a flight on a Tuesday and everything fell through. Like I went to New York, you know like when you go to New York and you want to do spots? I called stand-up and they're like, we don't know what you're talking about. I called another club and like, we have 15 people. And I go, and I called one of my buddies, I couldn't get a hold to him. I called one of my other

buddies. He had to work until 10. I said, wait a second. So all this shit I'm doing, I'm going to stay here and spend $3,000 with a hotel and go back in the Jersey, back over here to get weed. No way. You know what? I went to Porto.

He'd go, what's your next train bus to Dallas? They go, we have an express. Cut through Notre Dame. It cut through Indianapolis. It went south and went up and over and down. It was fucking tremendous. It was a day and a half or something. So I paid my dues, guys.

This is why I know about flying, and this is why I'm picky about it. And if you ever want to fly in, you want the best fucking route. Uncle, you're going to fly off that fucking chair any minute. You're going back and forth there. I love it. Lee Syatt, Kenneth de Gumi. We ain't stopping this podcast.

Do you eat that Gumi Dose? We're going until tomorrow. So we're going until tomorrow. We're going straight into the fucking nerds of us. It's all over for you. I'll be ready. This fucking guy. You better eat that thing with your little striped shirt.

I swear to God, shoot a football at you. Right in the fucking solar plugs. What was the last time somebody shut this thing? Theo, what else? You miss Cuba? The country you're born, so you... Cuba's different than here, you know? I remember when I was 15, I already, I was already a man.

I was never a teenager. Like here, you see, oh, the kids did this, they did, they did, they all they're just teenagers. Would you kill for you? I was never a teenage, I remember being a fucking teenage. I was a man, and 15. There was no time to make teenage mistakes, right? You couldn't make mistakes like kids make.

No. You couldn't do it. This is just a, so if, if. an excuse to say, oh, they did it because they're stupid. Yeah. Teenage, what does it mean? Stupid. Exactly.

It's just getting easy excuse. I was never a kid. It was always a man. You gotta be a man. I had the same problem to you. I always think about Michael Jackson. That was his main story about why he turned out like it was. You know what?

I don't remember being a little kid. DeNora didn't let me be a little kid, Lazzro. She didn't allow it. She didn't allow it. You know, me and me. Lee have had ice here I hear that finally that's the third headphone someone's phone's going off all right but you know what you just hang out with men you as a kid no kids yeah I don't have kids around there was nobody it was

it was a little who's still going off here it's not mine I don't know is that yours Lee you have your phone going on no no I don't have a telephone it's weird I sometimes I I always, I feel bad about myself sometimes. When I feel down about myself, I go, wow, I never really had that. I don't, I play with comic books for three months. And we couldn't rob the comic books. I lost interest. You know, everything was always based around money when I was a kid.

Like, I didn't do all that shit that kids did. I didn't make a move unless there was six bucks involved in it for me. You know, when we robbed comic, whatever, it was just something that, Denora didn't allow it. I don't think. I didn't have a, I didn't have a, I didn't have a, I didn't have a curfew. I wasn't treated like a fucking kid. Like, I ran like a no man.

You mean. You mean. I love the comic books. I love the video games, all that shit. But my mom did the same thing. Never a curfew. Never any. And then she even told me.

So if you're going to do drugs? I'll never forget. She sat me down when I was a freshman in high school. So you're doing it with me first. Because I want to make sure that you don't react badly. him. If you ever doing drugs, you're doing with me first?

And I was like, all right. Yeah, get the key. Give them the key leak. She was no like, but it was like that. It was no curfew. You know what I mean? It's just really weird how I never.

My mom never really baby talked to me. I had that childhood. I never really had one. And I'm happy my uncle came on the show today to, you know, we were going to, what's going on, Lee? Why are your pants falling down? Were you wagging on when we got here?

I wish. Jesus Christ. How many podcast do you do? Lee does 19 he does six something like that Lee you better eat that fucking gumi bag dude I had a half already eat the gumy bear please

why you bust a manor eat the fucking thing Is that our network? That's it That's it Lee Look how fucking nice of this Look how fucking nice of this See how nice the fucking nettle is

I can't I can't break my uncle's balls About robbing them In 84 I can't I'll shock him That's why I can't ask him You know it's fascinating though It's the Cuba stories It's like the who's saying

Meet the new boss Same as the old boss Sounds like it The damn thing changed No matter who you overthrow No matter who It sounds like it was the same shit Over and over and over again

No matter who got overthrown No matter who got You know It sounds like it was the same old shit That they had to live with It's just It's good to have my uncle on tonight Just to show you people

I do have fucking family Yeah man You know I don't want you people to think I was a fucking martrear I didn't shit It's good that he came up tonight. He's older, and I spoke to him in the afternoon.

He's like, I don't know what information I can remember. He's as sharp as a fucking tack people. Yeah. And that's what I love about the fucking guy. So I'm happy you motherfuckers tuned in tonight. We had a good little talk here, you know, but it's just weird that we're lucky with the freedoms that we have. And there's times that I feel communist sometimes

because I hear people talking about a president. Or I hear people talking about Obama. I hear, and I'm like, how can you backbite the president? How can you backbite our own country? Because that's not allowed in Cuba. As a story he told him 19th fucking 79 that this isn't allowed in Cuba. And what's amazing is that was 79.

That was 79. I mean, think about, that wasn't in the 1600s. No. That was 1979. When it was a lot more stricter, when he did that embargo, when he did the, not the embargo, not the Bay of Pigs,

but when he let them out, the Mario Litos and all that shit, That's when he made the speech. I don't want these dumb motherfuckers. You know, I don't want him. You take him, he threw them all out, and he gave us the fucking prisoners of his country. But it's just good to know that I have family, and I've learned a lot from talking to him over the years.

I've learned a lot about who I am by having him here. We reconnected in 2009, and then talked him for 25 years exactly, almost to the day. And I went to an audition, and I was in Malibu, and as I drove down the beach, I remember who had taken me there. And I picked up my phone a number that I hadn't dialed in 25 years came back to me. Just like that.

And I dialed the number and he answered. Do you know anything? Did you like learn stuff about your mom that you didn't even know? No, yeah. And I apologize. I said, Uncle, I fucked up. And I'm sorry. You know, I fucked up.

I was on drugs. I didn't know what I had done. He said, fine. And we met for lunch. And, you know, we met my wife. and now he's in love with my daughter, and we talk three times a week. When I talk to him, I could hear my mother's voice.

Yeah. And his voice. You know, I could hear my mother's... That's awesome. So it brings me back, and he's told me, you know, a thousand fucking times, little different stories,

and now I know who I am. I know who the fuck I am. I don't want to sound like Mickey Rourke and Angel Hart. He didn't know who the fuck he was. I know who the fuck I am, because even a little story that he came here

when he was 19 he wasn't scared you know all these little things they're a part of who the fuck I am so it's very interesting if you people have uncles and aunts or I don't have this in my life and I just re-communicated with this from 2009 and it's made me a lot of richer a human being

he's told me little things that put pieces together I don't know he's held back some stuff because there's some wild fucking stuff but at least he's still here I took him to a Dodger game last cheese and baseball guy and that's it people that's all I got to fucking tell you

we spoke about honor we spoke about Dollar Shave Club yeah we spoke about fucking Hulu Plus I'm gonna tell you who else is fucking on fire Tell me who else What is this black church now Give me half an edible

I'll tell you I tell you's on fire now Everybody who's fucking digging it I'm even digging a lot more Nature's box Nature's box those fucking snacks They're nutritionists approved The first time you order

I order a ton of them because it's 50 fucking percent off the price 50 percent off that's not bad they ship to you every fucking month the cocoa almonds the french toast granola uh who got the french toast canola the kid from nashville that's what nashville fucking talked about i want to try the bagels guys this shit is not fucking around please go to joey d's dot net go to nature's box press in joey bam get 50 50 percent off your first order make sure you know they will ship to you on the first of every month you can switch it around healthy snacks where you watch tv before you You whack off before you watch Breaking Bad on Hulu.

Whatever the fuck you watch on Hulu blush, you can watch it while you're eating something from Nature's Box. That's what I'm saying to you. So go to Nature's Box and then joey-deers.net. What are you pressing, Nature's Box? Joey. Boom. And I talked to the people today, my beautiful people,

the Alonzo brothers up there, nailed it. Life.com. Is fucking on for the month of March. They said you guys have been, it's a fucking tremendous pen. It's a tremendous vapor pen. And it's for 50 fucking dollars. And if you mention Joey Diaz or Joey what?

Joey Diaz, no space. You get 20% on them. So that means you get the pen for 40 fucking dollars and they shipped it to you. We're going to get that type of action. Do these people know about what's going on? Do they know? They're the inventors of Gumi's and Morrow.

Did you ever eat a Goumys and Mano? Lee, tell them what happens. There's nothing. What happens to you? You get fucked up. Like the devil. It's your uncle. He's a fucking drumming in the bathroom.

He's a fucking Wackadoo. I told you. This is the Valdez Estreia. You got to remember, my blood lines goes right back to Columbus on the boat. Go to Columbus on the boat. There's a Diaz and there's a Valdez. Fuck all that shit. We're talking about naturesbox.com.

We're talking about nailed atlife.com. We're talking about Huluplus.com. We're talking about on it.com. And we're talking about fucking dollar shave club. That's what we're talking about tonight. And not to the church of what's happening is bringing you tonight. Special edition with Jerry fucking LaRojo. Thanks for having me, buddy.

Tremendous. I love this fucking clown. This fucking beauty. Joey Dio.net. She's not going to get a dot net in there. Listen. Too many dot com. I'm going to fucking stab you with this clump sunglasses.

Hold on what? You're going to go for a walk tomorrow. Every day I want to report where you walked, what time are you walked, and what you thought about. You know how I knew you didn't walk? I did walk. I went to get real lunch.

You know how I know you didn't walk? How? Because you would have called me back with an idea. I did call you back. Not with an idea. You would have called me back and said, you know what I was thinking about? Maybe we should do this

because I went for a walk and I cleared out my mind. And that's how I know you didn't go. Don't fucking lie to me. Do you know my favorite part about all this is, is how you both impersonate each other? I think that's my favorite part. You each have an impersonation of the other one. I'm trying to get your circulation off.

Look at you, you're red. Well, you gave me a fucking full edible. I didn't give you a full edible. I gave you half an edible, and I ate even the tip of it, so I wouldn't give you over 50%. That's 30 milligrams of THC. Are we going to have this conversation again?

It's not 30 milligrams. It's twirling back. It's $250. No, it's not $250. That's what it says on there. The front is 70 million pounds of T8C. It's fucking greenhorned. Why would I lie to my best buddy in the world?

Do you think I'm in business to fucking break your balls? No. I'm in business because look how cute your little hairdo looks. Look at that face. That's a fucking Jew face right there. That's beautiful. Look at you. Neelius Samuels.

I don't know what happened. You know, I love you. Straighten out the fucking flying Jew. Neelius always has a fucking common for us. Where's my uncle like? He's drumming. He's playing the fucking drums in the battle. So, I don't know if you want to talk about yours, but we got a, I ordered the shirts yesterday.

So in two weeks, flying your t-shirts will be out. Shirts will be coming. Pats will be coming. Cups will be coming. Look at this. We got a full fucking display coming out for you. Leeds in charge everything. Don't worry about nothing.

We will let you know the release dates and get this fucking party started, right? So for you motherfuckers who want to, who knows about two weeks. I don't know about two weeks. They don't know nothing. Wait, relax. Releaseide.com. You still got to go down there and pick them up, and you might get hit by a fucking truck on the way up.

Relax. Just tell them the shirts are coming. Put that money under the fucking mattress next to the dead tooth. And once you get it, the shirts go up, you got money for the T-shirts and everything. They're going to be cheap. They're tremendous quality shirts. We've got flying you fucking radio.

And Churchill, what's happening now. That's what we're doing for you, motherfuckers. You know, we're all trying to put it together here every day. And I try to switch it up on guests and times just to keep it a little bit more interesting. people. That's all I'm trying to do. And to get the stories out there that inspire you and we laugh and we goof around

but this is what the fuck it is. It's a Tuesday fucking night. The church of what's happening now. I ate the edibles. I went to Jiujitut today. I lasted and it's a beautiful day to be alive. Sweet. I want to thank Jerry LaRocca. I want to thank Lazzaro Boom Boom. My uncle and I want to thank my main

man in the house to Fly and Jew. You're going to do a tournament soon? No, I'm not going to do a tournament. Why? You went to the little meeting? Yeah, I'm terrible. So what? Because I'm terrible. They must have white belt matches, don't they? White belts for fat people over 50.

Why would you insult me? You know what I'm saying? No. I think it would be fun. I will tell you when I'm ready. I have to start going to classes considerably two times a week at night and breathing. And I really have to put some work into this now that I'm not smoking no more. Okay.

So it's going to take some time. You noticing a big difference with that? It is the scariest fucking thing because now I got too much fucking air. Yeah. You're like to do this. Now. I'm expecting to be breathing heavy, and I'm not. So when I go, I'm getting too much fucking air.

Now it's all coming in. It's not getting lost in that rifa pipes, and that's what's going on with me. So it's amazing how your life works, and I'm getting anxiety from it. Because now I'm getting too much fucking at. So hopefully I go to bed early. Like I said, I'll get up early, throw some kettlebells around. I at least do 10 sets of swings in the middle of the fucking night right by my car outside like I did it last week and get the fuck out of it, get on that plane. Oh, okay.

You know what's funny? watching, you know how Vice has these video documentaries? You have this thing like a couple weeks ago where you said if you need a blow torch to get high, you have a fucking problem. Vice did this thing with this guy in Colorado about the dabs. That shit is fucking scary.

They're blowing houses up. It's like a little meth lab. And they have to take a blow torch and like it has to heat it up so high that it melts the wax or something. Jesus Christ. Guys, I got high for dirty years. I'm a dirty fucking high. I love

getting high but there's some shit there's a line I draw certain things you don't mess I was telling somebody about heroin today I really the first time I did it was at Gunter Brown's house and I snorted it and guys I don't know what happened you know I have people yelled at me on YouTube and I told the story because they said you know hallucinate I was fucking 16 who knows what the fuck I saw I didn't see the Virgin Mary's stripping I didn't remember seeing something crazy I remember puking and I remember thinking to myself you're at that. When you do heroin, let me tell you something about heroin, you're in pain. That's deeper than your girlfriend cheating on you. That's

something somewhere twitched. Yeah. And you went out there and it's dark. And it made you turn to that. Because it's a dark eye. And if you look at pictures of Clapton and Bowie and through the age, you know. Yeah, it doesn't look like Coke and weed, you could say it looks fun. You see the whole, like, the guys just like, who like, especially in the city, they're just like. Yeah, the ones are not, knot, knot. It's a needle. Something that you never understood it, but you have to consider that person's pain. Where's that person's pain at? That they put themselves in that. And even at that age, at 16, when I was going through what I was going through,

I wasn't in that much pain. I needed to feel that way. And I made a conscious effort. And every, you know, I did it again two years late. I must have done it again. Then I did it again in 94. And I did it again, you know, six years ago, you know, because I was just desperate. And it worked.

And I'm cleaning me up from the blow. of the experiments I did work, but I wouldn't suggest it would have to have anything. It was just, it's so weird the levels of fucking pain. I didn't even know how we got in this conversationally. That's how fucking stone I am. With dabs, maybe? The dabs, but I know one thing, I know that I didn't want to, I know that there's times I want to get high, like, there was a couple

years ago, remember when you come over and I had three big bongs. Yeah. And in my heart, it wasn't me. I wasn't even using these fucking bombs. You mean, like, they were, like, from the floor? Like above your knees. Yeah, they were fucking huge. So it was the weirdest fucking thing that I didn't want those in my house.

It was always weird to me because you always smoked like the tabletop one and I was like, you have these huge monster ones. Why wouldn't you go for that? How many years I've been smoking pot? Let's get something out of the way. Let's see. You're 51.

The truth. The truth. I've been smoking pot. 35? 177, maybe. So that's 13 years. That's fucking 37, 38 years of my life. Okay.

If I tell you guys, this is the weirdest Joey Deer's secret. I never wanted to bong in my house. You know why? There's too much commitment. I didn't want to commit to smoking pot like that. I like smoking pot for who the fuck I was. Not to be like a cool guy. I never smoked pot to be cool.

I smoked pot because I needed it. I liked how it made me feeling like how it calm me down, how it put me to sleep at night. It did all these good things to me at night. That's why I smoked pot, not because I want to hang out in high times. Right. I'd be the comic of the month smoking dope or whatever. that's not what I want to do.

But once, it's like blow. I like doing blow. And I went to a party when night and they were cooking it and blow torching it. And it wasn't for me. I don't want to see a fucking, if I need to blow towards something.

I made that statement two weeks ago on Rogan that I made the gun on the church. A lot of people that got pissed off. Listen, man, I'm not judging you. What I'm saying is I don't want that fucking a tank, a fucking blow torch on my tank next to my computer.

I don't think it can't. I don't care how clean of the high is or whatever. I want you to think about what I'm fucking telling you. Nobody needs a fucking blow torch on their fucking thing. I don't care how better. Oh, it's a clean high. Don't fucking aggravate me. Think what I'm telling you.

It's a fucking blowtorch no matter how to fuck you look at it. So please, there's drugs that are fucking great. You think I want to be here with this fucking mutton and this fucking Jamo? Fuck, no. I'd rather be in Chinatown. I'd get my dick suck from some Asian chain. I'm two bags number fucking two. Jerry, I'm going to take that phone.

I'm gonna fucking step on it in 10 minutes. With two bags of fucking number two, I'm gonna do some fucking heroin, and that's it. I don't want to do comedy. I don't want to take a plane. I don't want to see nobody from high school. I don't want to say nobody. But you can't do it because you know

you're gonna end up fucking dead. Same thing with the blow toys. Something's gonna fucking happen. Remember, what's that combustion? You learn in the third grade? Spontaneous combustion. You take a paint can, you put a rag in it,

and you put it in the attic and the eventual will fucking blow. Same fucking thing with that goddamn fucking torch in your living room. What if you leave the heat on? You know, the lady who takes care of the baby, she's a great cleaner, she's Mexican, but she always leaves the 409 by the stove.

Don't leave the fucking 409 by the stove. Anything could happen. Somebody can press the fucking toast and the spark comes out. I've read fucking crazier things. Yeah. You've heard of crazier fucking things. No question. How did that building go down?

You're not going to believe it. The maid left 409 left to the fucking stove, and there was a spark or something. It's always dumb shit. It's everything amazing. it's always something stupid that sends it up. And I don't know the full chemistry, so don't get mad at me. But the way they explained it in the video was they take a fucking thing of weed and like one kerosene through it,

which doesn't seem safe or healthy. Or even a high. What are you doing? And then somehow you burn off the kerosene and you only get, apparently it's the most pure way to do it. But if you're, like, would you eat red soaked in kerosene? It doesn't seem. It just seems to me, oh, look, if you have to do all this, to smoke pot, you should probably be doing something heavier

than pot. You know what I mean? Why? Like, just maybe... I have friends that I trust that own medical marijuana stores that I trust. But I go in and I tell them what I want, I tell them the edible strength, we talk, and I can tell they're knowledgeable. Remember, if there's 20 medical marijuana stores,

eight of them know what the fuck they're doing. Yeah. The other 12 are just fucking jerk off. It's like 90% of these fucking people walking around... Fly by night. ...Indica. They don't know. I'm talking about when you look a motherfucker in the eye. And you go, hey, motherfucker, I want to get stoned. They go, dog, this is the shit.

They kill fucking whatever. This is the shit. And you bring it home and you get stone and you drool. There's certain people that tell you the truth. There's certain people. And there's a kid that I trust with all that stuff. And I said, hey, man, what do you think of this? And he goes, it gets you fucked up faster.

But I ended up in the hospital for three weeks for pneumonia because of the chemicals in the lungs or something like that. Yeah, it doesn't seem right. You don't either. You're looking at me going, Joey. you're a fat fuck look at your face listen whatever i know that you're young i don't want you to be 30 and go fucking walking around with a cough because i smoke kerosene yeah nobody knows what it's going to do 10 years from now you know what i don't want to know but i do know one thing i do know for all you fucking uh purist god put it on this planet it's a plant so why the fuck he adding kerosene

to it yeah you know what i'm saying why the fuck he adding kerosene to it you know and do you hear about that baseball player today who talked about his struggle with addiction to marijuana and he went to rehab and he went through withdrawals. That was the funniest thing to me. Do me a favor. Send him an email to him to suck my dick. People get addicted to

marijuana. I'm talking to suck my dick. 30 fucking years, I just quit two weeks and it doesn't even bother me. I even smoking the vapor pen tonight. Don't get me wrong. I ate a fucking hubby bar. And a goomy bar. You're too eyes. You're too high. I love you. Cock suckers. Thank you.

for being a part of the church. Thank Jerry LaRocca. Thanks for having you. Thank you. We're back next Monday. We're back Wednesday to 19th with Adam Carolla. We've got some great guests coming up.

So thank you fucking very much for we've got the live podcast, April something. Don't worry about none. We love you. Stay Black. I want to thank all the sponsors. I want to thank everybody

who reaches out to us. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial. Blue Plus. That's my mic. Hold on. With Hulu Plus, if you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet, support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Huluplus.

When you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey, or go to joey-diaz.net and click on the Huluplus banner. Don't forget to sign up for Dollar Shaveclub.com. You get high-quality raisers, send to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to Dollar Shaveclub.com slash church or just go to joey-d-diaz.net and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. now that the podcast is over, remember to go to naturebox.com and order great tasting, healthy snacks at half off, 50% off.

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