The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #156 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: April 20, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ..... It's Wednesday, April 20th.... This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by Lucy.co & CBD Lion.…. Go to https://www.Lucy.co Use PROMO CODE: JOEY for 20% OFF! Go to https://www.cbdlion.com Use Promo Code: JOEY For 20% OFF Your Order! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint  The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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What up, you bad motherfuckers? The day has come. It's like fucking St. Joe's Day. It's four motherfucking 20 on the motherfucking horizon. You know, and it's fun to see all the shit that's popping up.

It's the first 420 in Manhattan. So they're basically going to lose their fucking minds today. I'm doing the podcast. I got to run a couple of errands and then I'm headed over to meet a buddy of mine for dinner. I'm going to eat a little Cabano food. And then I'm going into the city tonight, bump into my girl Rachel, see what's going on there, maybe stop by the New York Comedy Club, see my man over there. I got to start going for it in the city. So I like, you know, ever since I've been back, I haven't even fucking touched my feet over there. I've been over

it basically maybe five fucking times. Let me see. Apple, the audition for Apple, the premiere, I don't know what else I went in for. It's sad. I even told my wife the other day, I go, it's sad that I've been back here two years and I could count on my hands, on my one hand, how many times I went into that city. The other night we were watching desperately seeking Susan. This is a movie that Madonna came out with. And 85. I don't know if nobody even remembers this fucking movie. That's why when it was on, I had like a half hour to kill and it was ending.

So I caught the last half hour. Have you never seen Desperately Seeking Fucking Susan? Madonna had baby fat. That's how young she was. She was just a fucking girl, you know, but she had blown the fuck up. And she blew up in the best fucking city in the world to do. She blew up in New York City So I mean I still remember being in 85

I ran in that city from like That's all I would do I didn't have a job I was just stealing you know I was helping a friend of mine I was stealing things from offices I was just being a fucking man It was not good

I got a little job before I left And I put the pieces together And then I got my lawsuit And I got the fuck out of here But those were like the best six months of my fucking life. I had no responsibility. I lived in Fort Lee.

I would wake up in the morning. I would work for like two weeks, put away enough money, maybe bump into a job, maybe sell an ounce of Coke, and then I would take two weeks off. And then when I would get broke, I would fucking do the same shit

over and over again. Holy. I used to put on like a suit and go to like Fort Lee, the other side of Fort Lee. and they had a bunch of office buildings and shit and I would walk through the office buildings looking for Mike is Mike around?

No, there's no Mike here. I was just walking offices looking for Mike. When somebody was in the bathroom or something, I rubbed the fucking office and take out there. I don't miss that shit at all those days. I remember still, like my routine was simple. I'd wake up, do a little workout on the Jersey side, take a shower and shoot up.

walk up to Fort Lee. If I had $10, I was fine with it. $10 is all I needed to get me to the fucking Chinese restaurant and to get over the city. If I had $8, I was fine because I would eat the Chinese lunch. I would go into the name of the restaurant was the Enchanted Lily. I would go in there every fucking day. Guys, when I tell you, I would go in the Enchanted Lily every fucking day, it was like on main street

and Fort Lee on the side I would eat and then I would head to the fucking the bridge and either walk over if I was broke or if I was living like a doctor like if I had three bucks forget about it

I'm getting on the fucking bus and I go over there I even add it to the point where I could front weed on the streets of New York I knew the street dealers that I could front fucking weed from

that is pathetic And then I asked to join them. And then I sold weed for like an hour when I robbed them. The story of my life. I would head over to 187, right down Amsterdam, get two tens. Then from there, even though I ate Chinese food, I'd go to a park on West Side Avenue. I'd roll a joint, finish it, and then head into the fucking 184th on Broadway. And I'd fucking get some Boliche and some fucking Cuban food.

and then when I finish there, I'd go back to the park, roll another fucking joint, put my walkman on and just walk. I would start on the 184th Street and I'd go, let's see how far I could walk down today. And I would go to like 155, see the A train, walk past it, go to like the 143rd, the A train, walk past it. I would get all the way down to like 125. I would walk from 184th Street to 120 5th Street with a Walkman on listening to fucking rat

The first album I forget the name of it I had a couple albums in my kit Then I had like rat I had a couple I had like rat I had I think I had like one of the black Sabbath albums

I had uh What's that fucking You two No no yeah I had you two Uh war, whatever that album is one of the earlier ones.

I had a couple things on fucking, and my CD was so good. My CD player, I bought an amplifier. You could buy an amplifier for your Walkman in those days. So I, on 42nd Street, they had all those Israeli guys, those Arabs selling stereos

and shit. I would go in there and fucking get. Oh my God, I had the fucking Walkman with the equalizer. It was louder than fuck. People could not. Like, why, how do you listen to this? I like my music loud, bitches.

But back to fucking Madonna and desperately seeking Susan. When I saw that movie, I used to go to movies every fucking day, every day in 85. I would go to the movies maybe three times a week, catch a double feature on 181st in Broadway there.

There was like, on Broadway, there was like a black movie theater. I would fucking go in there and jump up and down with the brothers. If I didn't have enough money, go to movies with the brothers, I would go down two blocks, and there was a movie that, like, two bucks, you catch two movies from the 80s, like, you know, fist full of dollars and for a few dollars more. Like, they always had those double, you know, they would have like two clinos from movies, and that movie did it was disgusting, and doubled as a porn old theater, so the floors were sticky and shit. If you sat in a neutral position for more than 10 minutes, you better have some nail polish removal for your fucking sneakers, because that shit, that old sperm is worse than 10, 5.

crazy glue fucking guns. Your feet would stick to that motherfucker, but I didn't give a fuck. I was 21. I was walking around New York City like I owned the fucking place. When I had dough, when I robbed the gas station, I would shoot into the village and fucking buy pills

at Washington Square Park and go to McSawleys and have a mug of fucking beer. Oh my God. New York City was such a fucking playground for a kid. Listen, one of the, Listen, one of the biggest pains I have, yes, I had like the pain losing my mother and the pain of my daughter and another, a ton of pains.

But I got to be honestly, the biggest fucking pain, the toughest thing I ever did in my life was leave New York City in 85. Because I was on my way, I was doing pretty good when I left. And number two, New York City was on fucking fire. You know, it's hard. I tell my wife all the time, it's tough to describe it. describe New York City to people. Like I was telling you guys last week, and I say it on stage,

when New York City catches a cold, when New York City sneezes, everybody catches a cold. And I truly have always believed that because I saw the power in New York. In 84, if you went to New York like I did and walked around, and then you got on a plane and went to L.A.,

two different fucking energies. How do I know? Because I did it. I was in L.A. for fucking two weeks in 84 and it sucked compared to new york city i mean it was a vibrant they had sunset strip and all that shit but new york was new york five fucking burrows of people getting stabbed you can't fucking buy that shit anywhere else you understand me and when i say people getting stabbed yeah people getting stabbed but you've had a good time in new york you had a fucking music scene

i gotta be honesty that was second to none i'm spoiled now. Like, people, like, Jimmy Florentine is always like, you want to go see this show, you want to go see that show? Not really. Not fucking really. You know, I saw these bands 30 years ago in a small place for a third,

for a fucking third of what we're paying now. A third. Sheila E. Prince and Nucleus at the fucking Ricks or the Roxy. You know, 15 bucks. 15 bucks for Prince, nuclear. And this is on 1984.

It don't get no stronger than that. Don't come to me with your fucking bullshit. You know, I saw all these little fucking bands all over the place. I went to see Shad Day at a fucking restaurant on the first album in 85 in New York City. Who could tell you that shit? You know, I didn't know what the fuck. It's not like I was Mr. fucking entertainment. You know me, I'm no Julie McCoy. But I had friends that would go, this band is playing here, this guy.

You know, there were limo drivers in the city or bartenders in the city. and they had their ear on that shit. You know, they didn't advertise a day. You weren't going to get advertised. You know, I still remember fucking it being like 80, 70. Like the 81 Stones tour. Like, there were fucking rumors that they would play NIAC. To warm up in the city,

the stones would call up a club and say, hi, we're the traveling fucking douchebags. And we want to play your club, and they would go, okay, and also in Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, would walk in. And it'd be fucking Ron Wood, and it be the Stones doing an impromptu set anywhere in the fucking city. That's why when you listen to the Rolling Stones some girls, you could hear the grittiness of New York City. That's why I'm really proud of it. I was a kid.

I was a fucking kid. I watched the Stones on Sound Out Live and all these people going crazy. I'm like, hey, that's around the corner from me. when they were up there fucking doing shattered and all skinny and shit on heroin and jumping up and down they were doing all that shit in fucking new york city new york city was a fucking metropolis for a kid it was just a fucking if you went into the city with 200 bucks you had the time of your life pills cocaine bitches drinking on the street staying out all fucking afternoon like all fucking morning How many times I went into the city at three in the fucking morning?

Who goes out at three in the morning? Well, maybe my buddies would go out like at 9.30, sit in a Jersey bar till 9, or 3. And then at 3 in the morning go, what are we going to do? You going to go home? Fuck, no. We'd shoot over into, we'd go to this place, Ernie's Bar on 38th Street, going from Kelly Boulevard down to my old house.

After 3 o'clock, Ernie would sleep on this pool table. he would be hammed and you would bang on the fucking door Ernie, open up Ernie would come out What the fuck do you want? Give me two cases of beer You better have cash

And you better be there full amount We'd give him the full amount He had the coldest fucking beer in the world We put them in spackle buckets Like those buckets of spackle We put ice on it We'd get a bag of ice from them The beers were already

Fucking three quarters frozen We'd shoot into the city We'd put a mirror on the hood of the fucking car we take our beers out and we drink from 3.30 in the morning to possibly 6.6.30 outside. Nobody would say a word. When you're 18, you know how fucking strong you feel when you stayed out till you say and you tell your friends? Like, what did you do? I stayed home and watched fucking the movie with the dog and get the fuck out of here. I went out. We went to Joe Marys and then at three o'clock we hit the fucking city. We went over there. We snorted coke till seven in the morning. We bumped

into some freaks. Then we came home, went to bed. They pick you up at 12 again. They go get a nice little lunch at Hashways. A nice little fucking turkey and Swiss. Heavy on the salt and pepper. Fucking little potato salad. A bag of wise potato chips.

A can of pepper chinis and a 32-ounce fucking Coke. And then keep that fucking party alive. It was just tough to, you know, tough to fucking duplicate again. And I'll tell you, like I said to you, 1985 to leave New York City that was a task in itself it broke my heart

I'll never forget that fucking playing ride going God damn it I can't believe all these bands are coming all these fuck I remember going to see the last summer I was here I went to see Rod Stewart with that fucking douchebag didn't show up early in the morning I can't sleep

what's that fucking guy's name the guitar player that's fucking crazy he fucking canceled I went to see Hewer Lewis in the news I went to see Springsteen I went to see Michael Jackson and this fucking six brothers I went to see Prince

I saw all that shit in 84 oh my God it was like one after the other one after the other you figure Fouca had born in the USA the other fucking Michael Jackson had

victory tour I mean all this music was out I went to see the pretenders at dogam tanya I went to see the pretenders at the garden on the fucking Monday night it was just amazing the concerts that would come here

you'd have all these venues and fuck the metal lands in the Nassau Coliseum because in the summer all this shit would open up the pier and all those little concert venues on the water come on now fucking tremendous

it's a shame like if this was 15 years ago I'd be in that city four fucking time a week. I'm excited. In a way, I'm excited to be going into the city of Duke Comedy. And I'll tell you what, I'm a fucking city guy. When you look at me, there is only one place where I'm from. When I open up my mouth, you know I'm from either or. But there's only one place where I remember going over to the fucking Harlem when I was a kid with my friends. And I'd walk out and go get a bag of weed and go get a fucking bag of potato chips and a slice of pizza.

And my friends who say to me, dog, you walk around that city like it's second nature. Hello? I was fucking raised there. You know, I wasn't, what do you think? I stayed in playing on my fucking computer on TikTok when I was a fucking eight years old. I was fucking out there, dog. I did not, you know, I look at my daughter this morning. Like, they don't have no fucking school this week.

So, yeah, you wake up in the morning. this slow. Let me tell you something. When I was my daughter's age nine, if there was no school, I was out that fucking door at 8 a.m. Whether it was 8 a.m. or not, because I'm one of those motherfuckers that would move the clock fast on your mother. That bitch was waking up every day the spring fucking training time. You know, when you return the fucking clock, I remember my mother going, I don't know what the fuck happened to me today. I got to work two hours early. I wonder what happened. She said, I got to fix my watch. I know exactly what happened. I pushed that watch. the fuck out.

My daughter sits up there until about 10.30. Then 10.30, I got to push her up. Go over and call for the fucking Pumas. And she'll walk down the corner. She'll go out. You know, she's enthusiastic. Then another girl came over yesterday and played here until about two. Then all the girls got together and I went to the fucking softball field.

I mean, I'm on her to go out. But dog, you know, like, I got to be on her. Like, you didn't have to tell me one fucking time. Like, at all. Like, that I had to go out. I was telling fucking my wife the other day of what we did. We used to go to fucking hardware store. We would go to Chinatown and buy those fucking Kung Fu stars and shit.

Now those things don't come sharpened. I don't know if you guys know that shit. When you see them in a magazine and you order them, they come back and you throw them on the wall. And they don't stick. You're like, what the fuck? I bought a fucking defective star. Nah, cock sucker. You got to take them down to the hardware store and the guy has to put them in a press.

one of those presses and then with like a rock and they sharpen it and shit so I remember we used to go there and he would go guys I don't really want to do this because if you take somebody's eye out I'm responsible for

dog who's eye we're going to take out I'll tell you what we're going to do sharpen the stars and we'll buy fucking eight chair things they used to have these chair caps right if you look at your mother's chairs or any chair at the house

all chairs well not these new fucking chairs but chairs in the 70s and 80s and maybe some of the 90s if you look at the chair and you pick it up and you turn it upside down

it's got those circles on the bottom that aren't really connected to the chair it's just a loose piece and it's got like a screw but if you unloosen that screw and take that top off

you'll see that it's like I don't know how to call like a half moon maybe where it's like a cup of soup but it's metal and you can empty shit in there and when you pull the chair out there's a black thing in there

with a screw that connects that's how it connects to that metal but if you take the screw out of the fucking chair you're left with the screw and the circular piece and then you got to get a wrench and pull that piece out and it so now you just have a piece of metal it's like a bowl

It's like an empty bowl. What you do is you get a crayon. Whatever color crayon you like, green, red, pineapple. You take a fucking crayon and you'd melt it into those circles. And it gives it weight so they could play. You could play like bottle caps only with weight. Like if you take a bottle cap, like a regular bottle of Pepsi, and you fling it, that motherfucker's going to go 80 miles

because it has nothing to hold it down. But if you put something in there to kind of hold it down, so I don't know who did it. It had to be Puerto Ricans because they always play on the street. So Puerto Ricans fucking melted it. And so all those colors. So then you get a field that says like one, two, three, four, five.

Just like pool table. Just like pool. It's a box with numbers and you got to go from one to two to three to four to five. And if you get the nine, you win the bottle cap. That's the moral of the fucking story. So you basically pay for those fucking caps. And there's big ones, there's media,

give them ones, there's little ones. Who the fuck knows? I've looked for them on chairs so I can't show people, but I can't find them anymore so who gives a fuck, you know? Something like not to scuff the floor or something? Something like not to scuff the floor. Who the fuck knows? I don't

know. I don't give a fuck about the floor. I just try to do the best I can. But it's just so weird that it's the first fucking 420 in New York. They're doing shit at Webster Hall. There's got to be 20 concerts tomorrow night. Have you noticed that?

Like, I'm supposed to go, I'll find out everything today, I'll find out anything about an hour, I'm supposed to go to something this afternoon with the Dirty Jersey Boys, like an affiliate, because I do laughing gas, I do the laughing gas, whatever brand. And one of the rappers on Dirty Jersey Boys, it works with the ice cream shop also,

but I do laughing gas and he does their other brand of wheat. So what my buddy's trying to do from laughing gas is put us together tomorrow this afternoon. I think the party starts at like five. So I would go to that, say hello, shoot up to North Bergen, meet my buddy Devo, go get a little Cuban food. We've been overdue for a little Cuban dinner.

And then I would shoot over tonight and see my girl, Rachel, at motherfucking the stand. I haven't been to the new stand at all. So I'm excited about that. I'm excited to see my man, Brian Morton, at the New York Comedy Club. And I think those are the clubs I'll be working,

New York Comedy Club. And to stand, because, you know, Dangerfields is done. Caput. God rest Dangerfields. I'm not a comedy seller guy. I'm not going to sit at the table and get beat up by other comics. I'm not in the mood for that. I'm too fucking old.

I don't know what happens at Carolines. I don't know what goes on at the comic strip. You know, Jimmy Forentine told me that the one on 74th Street's pretty good. I'll call him for spots there. And that's it. Like I told you, motherfuckers, I ain't killing myself. This is nice and easy. I'm just getting back into the habit of writing every day, just sitting down.

That's how it all starts. You know, I had to rewrite a, I had to read a couple chapters. the war of art, just the art of war, the war of art, whatever the fuck it is. There's like 18 books on Sue, Johnny Bananas, who the fuck knows anymore? I just, you know, trying to do my best. And I'll go over there, a couple nights a week. I'm looking forward to it, man. I'm ready for the fucking city.

I've been hanging out down here in South Jersey for fucking three years. I'm ready going to the city. Start cutting this motherfucker up, Jack. Just twice a week. I'm not going to kill myself. You know, come home early. I think that the New York, I spoke to my man the other day,

the New York Comedy Club on 20th Street, does show 7, 9, and 11. So I'll always try to catch the early show. Fucking, I'll try just to fucking close the early show. Try new material. Listen, if I can't come up with 20 minutes by June, I'm a sack of shit. Do you know what I'm saying?

20 minutes, I guess. come up with. That's why I decided to do this tour. Like I said, it's very easy. I got to call Bert today and see what the fuck is going on. I think the tour starts for me in Bristol, Tennessee, which I'm excited about. I'm a little scared because it's right outside of

Knoxville. Last when I went to Knoxville, the girl sucks my dick and fucking her boyfriend. Her husband found out and he wanted to fucking, he wanted his $40. Oh my God. Every time I think of that story, I think of what I you know going on the road is great guys you know like I said I was watching

almost famous the other day and they were talking about the amazing fucking people you meet on the road listen I got to be honest with you the road is a fucking great experience because you learn not just your art but you learn a lot and Michael tell you like when you're in bands there's always that senior member that he's been in and out of bands for 10 years and you join you look at him like if he like if he's a god even if he's a fucking bumbling idiot because he knows his way through all these things you sit there like an awe like just fucking an awe like my first two years on the road dog how was clunky as shit 93 94 95 I was fucking clunky the thing that saved me was I went to seattle and I had to sit there for a while.

And then I started doing, you know, their one-nighters and shit like that. And that's when I started loosening up a little bit. But by the time I started going on the road with Rogan, I had my fucking, my little schedule on the road. You know, because you start in your own car first. Ain't nobody going to pick you up in a helicopter. Burt ain't going to pick you up in a private jet.

That's 20 years in. So think of getting picked up in the worst car in the world. Think of the book of calling in going, hey, I got work for you tonight. And you being a bum like Joey going, I don't have a car. All right, the headliner will pick you up. Just throw them some money for gas.

You're like, woo. Because I was a fucking loser. Like I totally, remember, nobody shows up to an open mic and a Maserati. That's all in the fucking movies and shit like that. The open mic is all $300 cars. There's one motherfucker who the mother lent them a fucking car, and he's got like an Audi. But besides that, everybody's fucking beat the debt.

And then you buy a car. Like, when I started going on the Tribal runs, I was driving myself, and it was great. Listen, I'd rather drive myself. Yeah, it's better with somebody in the car. They keep your poster. But if you don't like that person, that's a long fucking ride. He's talking, he's farting, he's burping, he's talking about shit you don't want to fucking know. He probably wants to listen to Lou Reed and fucking crazy music.

music in the fucking car. I don't have time for that shit. And then you start flying. You know, when I met Joe, luckily, you know, he would buy me plane tickets and I would fly with him. And that's a whole complete different situation. You know, you got to get the hotels and you got to learn how to fucking land at the airport and where your luggage and who picks you up. And every club is different.

They don't pick you up. They pick you up. You know, you have to, sometimes you've got to pay $90. You're getting $500 for the week. 500 from Wednesday to Sunday and you've got to pay $90 for a cab ride from the fucking assume and listen guys

assume that no hotel is going to be five minutes from the from the fucking airport that's never going to fucking happen and now at least you could like go on your fucking maps what's it called waves you go on your waves and see what it's going to cost you how far it is you know you go on your Uber

and go home Oh shit, it's going to cost me $80. I'm fucking dead. But think about that. You just so you have to learn bus systems. You know, it's either this, $90 or I eat Subway sandwiches all week, fucking veggie and cheese. You know, I got to figure out how to turn that $90 into $5. And then I could eat a good dinner two nights and maybe pick up a half a gram of Coke one night.

You know what I'm saying? But why are you going to throw $50 on a fucking ride? Some guy at the other day. Nice kid on Patreon. was telling me, like, you know, trying to cut me down. Like, yeah, so you understand you're going to go on the road and fucking, there's going to be drinking and a lot of booze, and you're not going to be able to drink because you're a dad and all this shit.

I think it's going to be very rough on you. And I'm like, first off, you're starting to sound like a fucking hater. This is what you do to yourself. This is what people, when you look at those type of emails, you have to assume that this is what people do themselves when they think of seeing something new. Like when they present an opportunity to their own brain, this is what their brain does to them. You see what I'm saying? So I'll say all those things. You're going to do this, you're going to be around alcohol. And I was like, what the fuck do you think? Who the fuck do you

think you're talking to? I've been around alcohol for 50 fucking years. I'm 59 years old. I've been around alcohol for 58 fucking years. What are you talking about? I don't drink. Not because I'm a friend of Johns or because I might get a DUI. I don't drink because I don't like the fucking taste of vodka. I don't drink because I don't like the fucking taste of wine. I don't drink because I don't like to taste of fucking scotch. I just don't like it. So Bert and that whole crew, they could light themselves on fire for all I give a fuck.

Obviously, you don't know me too well. You don't know that pressure don't do dick to me. I don't give a fuck how much. Listen, as long as I got my refo, you can go fuck yourself. And if the bus gets a little crazy, either two things are going to happen. Either that put a gun to the fucking drive his head and I fucking take over the bus, Christopher Columbus fucking style, like Speed 2, nobody does shit on this motherfucker. Or I tell the bus driver to pull over at the next hotel and I abandon ship and go to the hotel on my own.

Obviously, you guys don't have a fucking clue how I do things. If something ain't going my way, I pack my bags and go home. I'm not going to argue. I'm not going to do hand-to-hand combat I don't give a fuck it's four fucking shows I don't give a fuck if Burt's in a bubble bath

with fucking Tito's the whole fucking four shows it doesn't understand me guys this shit doesn't do anything to me they have you should be worrying about those motherfuckers because you got to make sure I don't come on with a bag of fucking A BX

Edibles and you motherfuckers got to make sure you see what I'm saying don't worry about me worry about them I've been doing this shit for a long fucking time you're not going to derail me nothing you can do

can fucking derail me I've heard all the stories already Mike over here is trying to talk to me before about fucking breaking back go fuck yourself I don't like breaking back nothing you tell me

is going to change my mind like when people come up to me like you got to do that I don't have to do dick I've had so many people tell me right out that I'm a heart hard nut to crack. There was this dude on Facebook, Joe Warner, that for years this motherfucker

would reach out to me every day with some story or whatever. He doesn't see, he doesn't know that I would see the story coming a mile away. There was this girl that used to fuck, and I met her in Vegas. Hello, goodbye. Very nice. Dirty chick. You know, I liked her. But every week, it was a different mind fuck. Like you and Joe Rogan should come to Utah. For what? For what? Hang out with Mormons? What am I going to do? Fucking Utah. Every week she had a different mind for.

You and Ari and everybody should rent DoomBuggies and do that. When do you want me to find time to rent DoomBuggies? In between the podcast and fucking going to the what? What the fuck are you talking about? So finally I had to tell her like, what are you talking about? She's like, you and you're the hardest nut I've ever had to. Don't worry about cracking me. Just live your fucking life.

Don't worry about cracking me or trying. to figure me out. You're in no fucking danger figuring me to fuck out. I can't figure myself out. When I talk to my therapist over, I better help. She fucking shakes her fucking head. So what are you going to do? What do you want to fucking do? That's what people don't understand

about me. If I don't want to fucking do something, I won't do it. Did you just see what happened the last two years? They were calling me every day. I had to tell the agent, go away. Don't call this number no more. And he finally went away. You could call me every day. You could borrow me every day.

If I'm not going to do something, if I don't want to do it, I'm not going to fucking do it. I lost friends over it. I have a friend right now that once told me, man, when you don't want to do something, you refuse to do it. I don't want to do dick. And people can't figure it out. They get mad at me. Dog, I had a party. You didn't come.

I'm not going to tell you why I didn't come to your party. I'm going to tell you that you have a cousin that drives me fucking crazy. You know, I have these friends now that always invite. me this shit. I love him to death, but he's got a, he's got like a friend that drives me fucking crazy, and he comes to everything. He always wants to talk to me about stupid shit. You know those people, like, when you're watching a game and they want to come over and ask you like stupid questions, I can't deal with that shit. But he's so tight with him, I can't insult them either, so I just bow out. I just don't do anything with them because I know

that if I get three fucking bong hits of me or something, this guy starts giving me an ear beating, I'm going to go off, and I don't want to go off. So that's a lot of people who understand. Guys, I didn't give a fuck when I was 25. What makes you think? I give a fuck now. Did you ever think about that shit? Like, what makes you think? When I was 25, I put a gun to a motherfucker's head

and put him in the trunk of a car. And that was one of many guys. That was the ones that you heard of. I'm sitting here every fucking day going, one of these guys are going to pop up back in my life. Hey, 30 years ago, Joey Diaz put a gun to my head in the Harlem. These guys don't fucking, they're not part of the world culture, I guess. They don't want to see me cancel.

I'm dying for one of these idiots to pop up and say, hey, man, 31 years ago, I looked at the pictures and I remembered it was Joey who tied me up in an apartment in Harlem. Nobody's fucking said nothing. That was me. That was fucking who I was. I'm not proud of that. I'm not proud of that fucking animal anyway. You know, I looked at a picture of me.

We were watching Molly's game, and we're talking about, snow or something like that. And I was trying to show mercy like the Colorado caps, you know, like the snow. And she's like, Daddy, that was you. And I go, I guess. She's like, what do you mean you guess? I guess that was me. Everybody tells me it's me.

I don't know who that fucking guy is. I don't remember that guy. That guy, whatever the fuck he was thinking about right there, that picture of me standing there with a white t-shirt, God knows what I was thinking about. Mugging, Robin, snorting, jumping out of a plane. Who the fuck knows at that age? I don't know who that fucking guy is. I feel bad for that guy.

Not really. I mean, but when I think of my life at that time, I feel kind of bad for me, how lost and confused and fucking stupid I fucking was. But we live, we learn, and I'm not that person no more, but I still got that picture, and it's me.

Nothing you can fucking do. I got to get all those pictures and send them to the book people anyway. They want to see a bunch of, they're like, oh, just send us the picture. I go, Doug, there's picture, like maybe eight of them that you can fucking use. I've been going through those pictures lately. I got those two pictures of my mom that they're kind of foggy.

I got this one that you see every fucking day. You're not going to want to see in a book. So I don't know what we're going to do with the book, but the book has an official motherfucking release date of May 23rd, 2003. I know that's a long fucking time away, but I'm not the company. I didn't pay me so they could do whatever the fuck they want. Now, back to fucking 420.

I was thinking about 420 last night, and I got to tell you who I missed the most on 420, and that's Ralphie Mae. Me, Ralphie, Felipe Sparza, I'm going to call him today. Rodrigo Torres. There was a year we did like a run of like eight shows in weed stores all over L.A.

We were so fucking broke. We had no money for weed. We basically had money for like lunch or something that day. I'll never forget. I don't even know what year this was. If I have to guess, they started doing all the 420, all the weed stores started doing comedy shows

like 2001, 2002. You know, I mean, fuck guys, they paid 50 bucks and an eighth of weed and you could smoke as much weed as you could while you were there. Are you fucking kidding me? And they give you a deal on the weed. So basically you bought weed and a deal, you know. But we would do the fucking Cushmart.

Cushmart paid us the best so we would do them first. I remember they had a back room, me, Felipe. I can't even tell you how many, fuck. with San Juan. We traveled in a group those years on those 420s. It had to be

three cars, five of us in each fucking car. We were just parking on loading these weed stores. There was even that doctor. When I first got my first license, it was $300. No,

for the license. Like in 99, 2000, it's $250. It's $200. 50 now. I hear, I think, in Jersey. I think it could be a little cheaper in Jersey. But when the licenses first came out in LA, they were 200. I'm like, I can't afford $20.00. It was Rogan who took me and Brian to a doctor. I forget the fucking street. This guy was a wakadoo.

He had got onto jail for doing something. And Rogan took us up there. The guy knew Rogan from somewhere and shit. And Rogan was like, yeah, give them all licenses. I'm like, I got $30 in my pocket. I hope Rogan doesn't think I'm paying for this fucking license. And when the bill came, he paid for it and goes, you guys got a license now. It's like, what the fuck?

And I'll never forget. We used to go to Cushmart. We used to go to that weed store on Beverly that had a, there was a weed store Mike that had a backyard. and these motherfuckers built a stand, like a, not a stand, what the fuck am I saying? They built the stage, they built the sides. They would have fucking comedy shows.

They started on 420, and then after that, the owner called this. He's like, what do you guys think? Can we do this all the time? We were doing happy hour comedy shows. We were doing happy hour comedy shows at weed stores. So we would do, like there would be 30 people in the room, 30, 40 people, but we would do the happy hour from like 5 to 7. The owner of the wheat store would say, just bring as many guys as you can't. Just book to show yourselves.

I'll give you 300 bucks and a half ounce of wheat. We'll be there at 5 o'clock, bitch, and we fucking go there. He'd give us an ounce. Ralphie, Edwin San Juan, George Perez. they would be rolling joints. We'd be on stage bombing because it's tough to make those potheads fucking laugh. You know that.

Can't make those motherfuckers laugh. We'd be up there fucking bombing. That was such a long time ago. But it was such a... I mean, when I think of those times in comedy, man, at the time you don't think you're having a good time. You're broke. You really want money.

You really want to hit it. You don't have the things you want. But I'll tell you what, man. As far as laughter, we were so rich in laughter back then. We really fucking were, man. Josh Wolfe and everybody had a different spot. Like everybody would say, well, I talked to this guy up on Ventura and he told us to go by at 8 o'clock.

We would just get together and go, what places are we going to and how much are we going to? And how much are we going to mug them for? You know, how much weed are we getting? and we would just fucking hit like four or five spots. We would start at like 3.30. Ari. I remember one year with Ari when we got that fucking third eye weed

and it was fucking dangerous as shit and we told everybody about it. And then we went back and they didn't have any more of that weed. This was something. I mean, guys, the times we had in those fucking 420s and those weed stores, I can't even fucking start to tell you now. Yeah, they were doing,

A comedy store. They were doing a comedy, they were doing a comedy show at this one weed store up in the valley. I never went to it. We were over it by that. But Jesus Christ, they had a weed store we used to go to. I can't remember what the fuck it is now.

These guys were 20 years out of that time. All right, because most weed stores, when you go there, in reality, you can't smoke there. They sell you on it. They'll say, you know, we need to get high. But they don't, you can't spark there.

They have a security guard. But this one place, they were breaking all the fucking rules. And it was a weed bar. That's what they called it, a weed bar. So it was a weed store. You went to the store. You bought weed. And once you bought weed, if you knew the code, like, you know,

stinky pussy or whatever the fuck it was every day, they blink and the guy would open the back door. And you go back there, and it was, He built a fucking great bar. I forget where this fucking weed store was. He built a great little bar and each station. Each chair had like a bong and like three, four of feet around you. And they had like little things to grind your weed.

It was the guy really fucking hit a home run with it. He built a little stage straight ahead. So there was a bar when you walked in, you walked in. And there was maybe a bar on this side with 15 seats, and maybe a bar that way with 15 fucking feet. You could buy weed right there, like when you walked in, she would buy either sell you joints or grams, hash. And they even had something for the, like the bong,

they would come over first, and you'd rinse the bond. I'm telling you, this was state-of-the-art fucking weed store. I don't know what happened to it. You know, when people put that much of investment, In a weed, you know, like, just before I left L.A., before the pandemic, some nights I would go down to meet my age and say, Dan Tanna is one of the restaurants. And I would see shit, you know, and I remember one night, I was at a light.

And just, you know, there's a light in you, it's dark out, but obviously there's a reflection on your face, and you're like, what the fuck is this? I'll never forget, I looked over to the left. Guys, there was a weed store, the size of a fucking, of El Nito. You know? Just his fucking weed store with beautiful fucking lights

and everybody had like an iPad and they come up to you and you had to go to the back and it was too much. And I remember sitting there going it's a beautiful fucking store but how many grams do you have to sell to keep the fucking lights on?

It's a lot of grams of 20 apiece, gee. It's a lot of fucking weed the 20 apiece, say you make eight bucks a gram, that's a lot of fucking grams. That ain't going to last. Doesn't take a genius to tell you, the overhead's

going to kill you. Between the overhead, the nice white college educated kids and that iPad bill, it's going to fucking kill you. It's going to kill you. You know, people want people, on 420 with weed, you want to be a little

bit more personal with people. The stores I always, look, I like the ice cream shop, and I'll tell you why. because when you went in there, first off, they had everything. I never wanted for anything in that. If I wanted fucking THC bubble gum, they had it. It might not be any good, but they gave you the option. I remember when we were hooked on the CBD water with the oxygen.

Fucking great. $9 a bottle. $9 a fucking bottle. And people were going up to every day for a fucking bottle of 16-ounce CBD water. You know, they just got everything. But those places, you know, you got a lot of, they're small. Like, ice cream shop used to be way fucking bigger. And they got a dose of fucking reality, this, that,

and then they shrunk it down, the ski shop. But, you know, you got to keep your fucking place small and fucking. How are you going to, and that's what happened with that dude. My point is, that's what happened. He spent, I mean, there were 40 fucking bongs alone. see what the ice cream see what the freeze pipe cost you for the bomb

they can get in 40 of those even if you knock off 20 bucks for wholesale and then he had like 10 of those ones with the with the fish with the fucking fish thing you know the fish you ever got a fish tank and it comes with the little engine

in the same sorry about that I'm too old for these these new wave kids in the old days you got a fish tank right and the filter was like this white thing. You had to put rocks in there, but like a cotton ball and something else and then seal it.

And the water ran through that filter. That's how you kept it clean. Now it's done, whatever. But to keep that water pumping, you had a little white engine. They had like a cord, and it just went all day. I don't know what it was.

Ten-ball battery. You fucking electricians at home can tell me what the fuck it is. I'm not good with this shit. So what you do is you disconnect that. A lot of people are doing their portals. Puerto Rican way, were building an engine, and that little engine from the fish tank, they were surplus, you know, they were going on eBay and getting them, and they work as those things

that pushed the smoke into you. So he was getting those things built, like, I'm telling you, guys, he had the dabs way before dabs were dabs. I can't remember where this fucking store was. And I think Thursday nights they did comedy, they gave you 50 cash, and an eighth, you know, I'd leave it like 120 and a pound because everybody gave you something, you know. They had hash, but man, that's the way I would do it.

But that was the only place that you could sit there, watch comedy, smoke dough, you know, for as long as you could before somebody hits you with a fucking weed breath and you got to get the fuck out of there. But, yeah, I had some good 420s in L.A. So I'm excited to see what 420 in New York is going to be like. I'm showing up over there with a couple fucking ounces of weed. You know Uncle Joey, we're going in fucking deep.

We're not fucking around here. And that's it, you bad motherfuckers. It's the Wednesday 420 edition of the fucking joint. That's why we called the joint. When Mike got here, we smoked the fucking joint. He got a lot higher than I did. I don't know what the fuck's going on with me. I got to fucking spin it around.

I think I smoked the joint, right? We smoked the... Oh, no, yours was a lot bigger than mine. I had the little midget fucking joint, the little hammerhead. Does the trick, you know, gets you where you need to fucking be. But that's it, you bad motherfuckers. I love you guys with all my heart. We have a guest lined up for next week.

Couple guests for next week. We have one today. But he got all 420 out last night, and he couldn't fucking, he took an edible or some shit and he couldn't do 11 o'clock in L.A. But we'll be back next week, ready to fucking go. I don't know if you guys are watching the, fucking NBA playoffs. Fucking tremendous.

I've been making some money. Go by Draft King. Say hello. Don't treat them like a fucking red-headed stepchild. There's money there. There's some great games. You got fucking Phoenix, New Orleans. You got Philadelphia, Toronto.

They're taking it back to Toronto. You got some great games. I'm happy that I'm watching fucking sports. I'm getting into it a little bit. Plus, now with the stand-up, it's going to be fucking better. I'm not as a good. bored as I was, just knowing that I have that option, I feel a lot fucking better. But I got to thank you guys for all your support.

And I'll keep you posted when I know more about the tour dates and where the fuck we're going. I haven't spoken to Burt. I God knows where that motherfucker is. I think he's going to the moon with Elon Musk or whatever the fuck he's doing. They're going to take over Twitter together. I don't know what the fuck they're doing. I love you, motherfucker. Stay black.

Thank you for the support. have a happy and safe 420. Don't smoke no fentanyar balls. And fucking, I'll see you, motherfuckers. Next Monday morning, tip top, Magoo, ready to go. Stay black, cocksuckers. All right, you bad motherfuckers, it's 420. Thank you for listening to the joint.

Thank you for watching the joint. It's 420, and I'm ready to go. The joint is brought to you by CBD Lion When it comes to CBD, CBD is the best. How do I know read the third-party lab results? Do you know what CBD is? Do you know what CBO is? No, so get to it, cock-suckers.

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nicotine nicotine is an addictive chemical so remember if you're interested in a better way to use nicotine visit lucy dot co and be sure to use promo code joey that's joey y i love you motherfuckers with all my heart i want Lucy.co, CBD, Lion, zip recruiter on it. I mean, you know, better help is tremendous. And I also want to thank freeze pipe, the freeze pipe, for their support. The best pipe to use on 420, Coxuckers. Have a great week. Have a great weekend.

And I'll see you, Coxuckers' Tip, Top Magoo, Monday morning, Ready to Rock. Stay Black.