The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #157 - The Chuch Of What's Happening Now

Episode Date: March 10, 2014

Comedian Steve Simeone is live in studio with Joey and Lee. Steve hosts his own podcast called Good Times: With Steve Simeone This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Escapepodtank.com Mention Joey or the Church and get $250 off. Recorded live on 03/10/2014.

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You bad motherfuckers. Monday, March 10th. The day the devil was buried at sea. Fuck that motherfucker. We're here making it happen for you. Wake up. Oh shit. Get that oatmeal.

Those jumping. Jackson, pull the skin back on your helmet, watch that motherfucker, and if your assholes got bonnacle scrubbing with a watchcloth. It's a brand new week, and you got a brand new set. A motherfucking priority. Hit it! Oh shit. It's getting deep in this motherfucker.

Oh, are you fucking kidding me or what? Listen to Ozzy on fire. Are you fucking nuts or what? Lee Syatt, Steve Simone co-hosting today. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. You understand me? Do your fucking thing. If they don't like it,

tell them all to suck your dick. That's the end of this right there. That's it. plain and simple. It's Monday, bro. You got a fucking job to do. Listen, the Catholics get together on Sundays. They get together, they worship,

they eat a cracker, whatever the fuck they do. But basically what they do is, it's a day to prepare you. That's the Catholic Church. The Church of what's happening now is Monday, because that's great. We get together.

We eat potato chips. We yambal. That's great. We don't need that shit here. Mondays, you just know what the fuck your job is. You know what I'm saying? It's fucking Monday. I don't give a fuck.

If you're not working, you don't have a job. Get the fuck up. You're not going to get a job on the fucking couch. Looking at ITT commercials. Get the fuck up. Wash your pussy. There's a whole fucking world out there. You understand?

That's fucking basically it, man. This life will fucking pass you by. How do I know? Because 30 years just flew the fuck by. I was in high school fucking 30 years ago, robbing people. And I went to Jersey as last week, and I seen all these people.

Not the people I robbed. Well, some of them. But it was hysterical. That life. fucking passes. You know, one minute you're in high school, next minute, you're your 10 year anniversary. Next minute, you know, you're fucking 50. I didn't go to my 10 year anniversary.

I think I still had a wand in Jersey, so I just, I just, I just, I just, I just keep it. I just, I just, I just, I just, I just what's happening? What's that? Like, it's a wedding game. There you go. Like a gentleman. Don't even tell people what's crack. I like. What's up with you, my main man, the flying Jew?

I love, I'm happy to be back. You finally, did you fucking unbuck? Did you fucking unbox all the boxes. No, no. This guy takes a thing a day out and he watches. Then he sees who's the New England's drafting. And he sits there in front of ESPN and he rubs at me. Yeah, that's exactly what I do.

I know what you do, Coxock. I already see you. What did you do this weekend? Well, I had Paula on Friday night. And then Saturday night I spent one thing with this guy at the comedy store. It was very nice to invite me down. The best. Yeah, it was so fun. Yeah. It's a big thing for me.

Like, I was telling Steve, like, you should see this text I wrote him before people before I went I could I can talk with myself out of going anywhere like I'll I'll always end up at home what do you do this because nothing and I'll be happy but like that's like at some point you have to get out there so I went and it was great it was a lot of fun it's it's just I'm jealous of you guys for having a place like that because when I moved to LA I didn't know how to meet I don't know how to meet people I'm not I'm not going to go up to a guy to bar and strike up a conversation. But that place, it was very cool.

Isn't that the gayest thing when you go to a bar and you see another guy trying to be friends with another guy and you can see the two lonely souls? Oh, my goodness. And then they get to talk and, oh, this was a great conversation. What are you fucking crazy? Fucking great conversation. What did you do this weekend, Steve, someone?

I did spots. I did spots Friday and Saturday at the store. Spot at the Haha. Hung out with Lee, the best. He's the best. Lee's a fucking trip to hang out. You don't know what the fuck to expect. You don't know.

What do you want to do? I don't know. But that's amazing that you do, I talk to myself on everything, Lee. I'm happy that you brought that up. It's a, there's got to be a phobia or something. Yeah. I mean, there's people, and if you talk to me, I'm very outgoing. Yeah, they call it social anxiety now.

But yeah, I don't, fuck the social anxiety. It's just hating motherfuckers. That's what the thing is all. The I hate motherfuckers society. You know, that you, you know, you don't. For years when I was 18, 19, I wanted to be a part of something. And I would be a part of something. I'd do something.

And I've got to be honest with you, 10 guys, 10 minutes while I got there, I go to myself. What am I doing here? I don't belong here. Okay, I did this. It's like booking a role for me. When I would do a TV show or something, I'd get excited until I got to call to work. I don't want to shoot this. I don't want to be around these fucking people.

So you get like some type of anxiety. But then 9 of 10 when you go out. You have fun. You have fun. A couple weeks ago, I had a hard fucking day. I had to go to a jiu-jitsu seminar outside my comfort zone. Yeah. Like, when I go to my jih T-pads on, with my pants on,

you know, I take a shower before I go. I have a T-shirt on. I go, I work out, and I drive home quickly, you know? Yep. There's guys that go to J-Jitsu, and they change there, and they haven't watched their feet in two days. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They use the showers.

But that's my comfort zone. That's for me that works. And then on the way home, I'll switch T-shirt, and I'll put a jacket over the sweat. I'll dry off and the pants aren't that dirty so I have a seat cover and I'll drive home and I take a shower in my house. I have a system, you know?

Yep. So now I had to go to Santa Monica and drive back from Santa Monica sweaty, which I fucking hate all that shit. You know, I like washing my pussy immediately with sweating. Yeah. And that morning I got up and for two hours I was talking myself out of everybody.

And finally something hit on me that I can't keep doing this as a man, as a, you know, I'm doing this. of 51 guys you know I've always had it like if it wasn't cocaine related or and even then I never like

hanging out with people I did coke but even now I get all these Evite invites to things and I feel bad I think about them and I go you know it's night time for me now is a nightmare sometimes I look at the door and I'm like it's scary out there yeah like it's a fucking jungle out there and I'll lock the

fucking door and won't go out yet yet I just came out now and I realized that I had to move the fucking car since I got back on the airport. What the fuck? I stay in all day too, so. Oh yeah, I mean, Steve and I did a podcast on Saturday.

And on the way, he's like, did you come to that? It's like, okay. I got home. I got into like my gym towards my, like TV watching and I was sitting in my bed. I was like, fuck. If I don't go, I'm gonna,

like, I'll be fine here. But like, I just, I could set, he sent me a text. Like an 8 page text. He talks himself out of it. I could say it and he goes, but I'll leave it up to you.

I go, Lee, come on. I'll tell you what. Come to my house. We'll drive over together. Jason Lucas from the comedy stores across the street. I go this way you won't have to find parking. You don't take away some of those issues. Issues.

Because I'll put it in my head. Oh, I'm going to have to find a place to park. And then I'm going to have to walk down there. And then what if it's a meter and I'm going to get a ticket? Like I'll think of everything that can go wrong. Yeah, me too. Everything that I'll go wrong. And I could sense that if Lee came out and be the best night ever.

And I was like, okay, what can I do to facilitate this? Get over here. We're going to have fun. I'll take it. You will park in the back of the store. If you don't like it, we'll leave early, whatever you want to do. I don't mind parking. My thing is always, I don't want to be in the way.

And I don't want, like, I just, being, like, being with you, like, I never ask you to go. Like, I don't, like, try to go to, like, the improv when you're not there. I try to not to, like, I don't want, I never want to impose on people. I guess that's the word. So, like, that's, in the text. I was like, I don't want to be in the comedy. I don't want to be in his way. I don't want to be in his head before the set.

he's like, just come over. I'll like, all right. I'll always tell you if I don't want you around. Me too. I'll tell you right off the bat because I know what you're walking into. I'm very conscious of bringing people and there's no green room

or I don't have a place to see you. I can't be. I like when you come to the shows. I gotta be honestly. But it's funny, I spoke to a friend of mine and I see Lee's career. I spoke to a friend of mine that I hadn't seen 20 years.

I mean, I saw some people when I went home that it was... I saw a guy that I used to hang out with all the time. Him and him, he had an older brother that really is a Genovese captain. And when I was in high school, when my mother died, the first real bad thing I ever did was with this guy before he became a Genevieve's captain. He was much older than I was. And we became friends.

And we had this bond created by the crime. We had done it. We never told anybody. But he had three other brothers. And I was friends with all three of them. But there was one I was particularly Gumbaz with. He was a real old school Italian brother, quiet, a wrestler. tough and he really liked me.

But he liked my struggle. You know what I'm saying? He knew what I was going through at the time. So that made our bond even tougher. And when there was a misunderstanding, it wasn't to do with money, it was a misunderstanding about a woman. And he got

involved, and I got involved. And we ended up not talking. We ended up not talking until Saturday and Friday night. And when I saw him, it was very confusing, but all those feelings came back how much I loved them. You know, and it was weird. That was one of the highlights of the weekend. I had a, the comedy was great.

You know what? When you smoke pot and do comedy, it's great. When you don't smoke pot and do comedy, I'm learning about myself more and more every fucking day. And Ari said that when we were in Vegas, he goes, I'd never seen you on stage as focus. And this week, I caught something that was even scarier. The hottest girl I went to school with was there this weekend. She's still very beautiful.

She was in the third row to my left. I didn't see her until I was getting off stage. And I walked off the right side. and that proved to me that I'm back in that comedy store zone and you're at the comedy store and you really want to do well, the lights are off. That's why Mitsy has the lights off, so you don't see the audience.

So it doesn't mess with your head. That's how much of a genius Mitzie was. Oh, 100%. She wouldn't turn the lights off, so you could only see the front row. So the people wouldn't get in your head. That's a great way of not letting, you know, you're just out there doing your things.

So what would have happened, let's say you were smoking, or even if take the weed out of it, If you weren't in the zone and she was there, what would have happened? What do you mean? Nothing. Nothing. I'm just saying that I learned something, how hard my focus was. But that's what I'm saying.

You're saying you didn't see her. Right. If your focus wasn't there, would you've seen her and talked to her? No, no, no. I just would have saw her. I would have noticed her. But my head was so somewhere else for the first 30 minutes. You know, I didn't want to fail this weekend.

Yeah, homecoming. This was, my material was overtaken by my energy. Sometimes it's not what comes. out of your mouth. It's the energy you deliver it. I completely agree with that. It's very it's very, you know, I was thinking of something last night when I laid down in bed, and this is for a lot of people who send me emails, because

I got emails, I answered like 93 fucking emails last night. Wow. And I got to tell you something, 20 of them are always about addiction. They're always, whenever we talk about certain topics on here, and something came to me last night because somebody wrote me a very, very nice Facebook the other day. Somebody posted a picture

on me on stage, and somebody said, that this would have not happened if you were still doing Coke. That's true. I got to find that fucking thing and write him a long thank you, and I love you because, you know, it's so weird that we do this podcast and people get emails that people inspire us, that we inspire people. But I got to tell you something, I get inspired by people when I answer those emails because people write me things

that of what they're doing since they started listening to the church. So that means I've got to tighten my fucking game up. Like if people outside of me are doing this shit just by us, that means we got to tighten our fucking game up. And it's so weird I was thinking about this, how I have a friend. She's 42. She drinks every fucking day. She's a talented comic.

She was good-looking at one time. She was a piece of ass at one time. She doesn't do stand-up anymore. And it's so weird how if you take care of this one, like for me, I took care of the cocaine problem, but it opened up so many other avenues for me. Yeah. It's so, and I had that, whoa, that disson.

You have you know whatever the fuck it is the phobia I had it worse when I was on the cocaine I had it all the shit that I had to just stay home and guard my cocaine But it's so weird how many gates open for you once you take care of that little fucking problem Yeah, so it was really weird I was laying there with my fucking fat man sleep at me a mask on And I was thinking about this how many avenues have opened up for me since I stopped doing that one thing like I really started to live. Like it's such a shame at 35, I didn't really do nothing with my life,

but at 51 I'm really doing so much more. That's a beautiful lesson, though. That's a lesson for everybody. That it's never too late. It's never, it's start today. You know what I'm saying? The train doesn't pass you by that life's always a gift every day if you're willing to embrace it.

I didn't know how dead I was while I was on the drugs. I didn't know how dead I was this weekend. I did not have a clue. I just realized, like, somebody called me, they were talking about mercy. And he goes, you're really having a good time with this baby. And I go, you know, and he goes, it's a different from Jackie. And I go, you know, let me tell you something. When I had my first child 30 years ago, now I understand why we don't talk or communicate, because my first love was blown. And I think they even sense that. I think children sense that, even at that. And I got to tell you, one of the reasons why I probably don't talk to her today,

or the mother is because of the insecurities I have with the blow. It just opened up so many avenues for me. So do the church a favor, do yourself a favor. If you're doing drugs, pills, whatever fuck you're doing, you're really dead. It's a sad way to put it. I was dead until I was fucking 44 years old. You know, I'm embarrassing that is. From the age of 19 to 44, I was really dead because it held me back from doing a lot of things.

You know, it held me back from doing things. in my mind and my heart, shit like that. You know, it's just, so it's amazing little fucking lessons you learn, you know, as you, I was dead. And I think if you're an alcoholic, you know, I have, my good friends are an alcoholic, and it's so weird that she doesn't do so many things because of her drinking. And even me, I wasn't doing so many things when I was snorting that stupid Coke because I wanted to, you know, snore Coke, but I overlooked my life.

it's such a great feeling when you get your life back you know so if you're not fucking living your life just start by that just fucking live your life that's it you know what I'm saying Lee Syatt you bad motherfucking Jew look at you I saw a lot of Jews in Jersey as we can tell you how much I love Jewish people

and I like real Jews like I flew back with this little fucking girl yesterday she got on the plane they bought it the last you know I upgraded the first class the plane was empty so I up boarded the first class she sat next to me and she asked me some questions excuse me, she goes, yeah, and I asked, how old are you?

She goes, I'm 16. I go, this is the first time you're flying? She goes, yeah, I had to do some community service here. My father wanted me to be, my mother wanted me to be involved. And she goes, this is the first time I've flown without my family and I have a little bit of anxiety. Guys, you never know who you bump into. So I started talking to her, I said, I get anxiety too.

I told her about the flight from Miami overnight where I sweat all night and shit. And she was looking at me like, really? And I'm like, yeah, man, I get it. I go, when I go on stage, I pee my pants. And she goes, what do you do? I'm a comedian. We started talking. And then the plane took off, and I started looking at my iPad,

whatever the fuck she was looking at. I get off the plane, I go to D-Board. And before I deba-board, I start talking to her. I go, how was the flight? I told you, you did it. And we get to talk, and then. She goes, thank you very much for taking care of me and looking at it over.

She didn't even say it like that. She goes, thank you for the talk. It took my mind off it, you know. And I go, all right. And I go, are your parents picking you up? Yeah, yeah, whatever. And I walk outside, and I hear not people. arguing but I hear somebody talking to the attendant and going so I got to wait to the end for my daughter

and I walk and I go let me just go when I go back and I go hi I sat next to your daughter she's fine they're just holding it to the end and the parents looked at me like holy fuck who is this fucking gorilla and they're like so you flew next to and I go yeah I sat right next to she's fine we talked about anxiety blah blah blah blah and the mother goes thank you very much and she goes what your name I go Joey and the father come all and he goes he was a little fucking Jew dog he comes over with his little Jewy ass and he goes, what was your name son? I go, Joey, he goes, what was your last name?

He said he gave me his card. My name is something fucking, and the last name you could see it, the line. The blood lines are direct to fucking Israel. I mean, he's like bunch of Pylis' nephew. I could just see it on his face. Something ending with Manorberg? Huh?

Something ending with Manor Byrd? Yeah, Berg, Berg, Berg. You knew it. He got him, Manorberg. I mean, this guy was a Jew. And he shook my hand. He goes, thank you very much for doing what you did. because I'm the chairman of Interscope Records.

You ever need anything. Here's my business card. You fucking caught me through it. That's what I'm talking about people. You never know who the fuck you're talking to. I didn't talk to me. I talked to her because I have a daughter. Someday I'm going to fly my daughter somewhere.

And I want a gentleman to sit next to my daughter and watch over the way I watched over. So for this motherfucker to come up to me when I came up to them because I was gone. I was already by the chocolate stand. You know when you walk out in the chocolate? Yeah, yeah, the C's candy. I always try to shoplift a box with my wife.

That's good love. That bitch I always robbed She's the dumbest fucking Chinese woman I ever met in my life I feel bad even robbing her because she's Chinese But I have to because she's so fucking dumb I take like the 12 family pack I give it to my wife I get a teddy bear for my daughter

I pay for the teddy bear but I steal the chocolate Fuck it It's good luck to a little shoplifting from time to time What do you give you guys? Let's say you go to Delancey Street in New York Jewish neighbors I was a kid to buy sneakers and shit. Yeah?

If you go in there and you don't buy and you're the first customer, those Jews go crazy, they want you to buy because you're bad luck. My philosophy is I'd buy and I'd steal something, so now I got bad luck and good luck altogether, you're saying?

You got to steal something. Like I told Ari, you got to rob me a yarmica. I don't want you to buy me a yamaica. I think of a fucking temple clip of fucking yamaka. You put that yamauga on the track. That's a guaranteed daily... That's a guaranteed daily double.

It's just the luck of the Jews, you know what I'm saying? A stolen Yamaka. I love it. I didn't get brought by a Yamaka and put a picture of fucking, you know, Pontius Pilate in it. I'm talking about the stealer. I'm talking about the steal of Yamaka from some Jew that's combing his head. From somebody, not even a store, you want him to take it off the head? Oh, yeah.

You got to take, not the head, but when he puts it down and goes to the bathroom. Let's say he goes to a Catholic church, he puts it outside. When a Jew walks into a church, you got to leave the Yamaka. You got to check the Yamaka at the door. Check it at the door. I love the fucking Jews. I love him. What's the story?

Where's the music at, Lee Coxucker? March 10th. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Steve Simone in House. Philly's favorite fucking son. Where's the music, Lee? There's Monday's always. My mom used to play every fucking dad.

I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Are you kidding me or what, people? We have to get him to call in. We got you by the boss. One day he'll call in. Who? Tony Bennett.

Oh, we'll get him to call him. I don't think he has a cell phone. He's too old. Are you kidding me or what? Grab that reefer. Grab the oatmeal, eat an apple. Write your goals down. Jerk off on somebody's hairdo.

It's fucking Monday. I haven't jerked off in somebody's hairdo in a long time. A girl in Hollywood one time let me jerk off in a hair. hair in a building, I swear to God. I was coked up. She wouldn't fuck me or suck my dick, so I went to plan

and see if you're not going to do any of the bubble, let me at least work off in your head. And she's like, all right. Fuck it. Hey, you got to take what they give you, Lee. What's up to you, my brother? Love and life, man. I was going, you're doing well. Now, you shot last season of Stand Up Revolution for Gabriel.

Yeah. And when does it air? They told me April, but I haven't heard anything lately. Good for you, man. Things are starting to happen. It's starting to happen. It's starting to happen. It's really weird, man. It's a slow process. It's a slow process. I wish now that I knew 20 years ago what I know now

about comedy when I got to LA. I wouldn't have been such an asshole in the beginning. You know, you have two paths when you come here. There's three yards signs you and you're the greatest things in sliced bread. Or you become a mutt like me and you have to work hard and it tastes better.

You know, it tastes better, you know. I both said this. I don't think there's any shortcuts. No, there's never a shortcut. There's never a shortcut to nothing. If there is, you're going to have to go back. You don't have to fucking go back. You don't have that shortcut from Melaideon to San Diego. It blows.

You get off. You still got 60 miles. You can give no fucking favor. It's nothing. They charge your dollar to get out there. That's this dumb shortcut right there. It's like 10 miles. And you work all the fucking time, so you're out there, you know,

and you're either with Renazizi, with me, with Gabriel, so you're in good company. Absolutely. Like, that's, to me, my blessing that I love. at I go the funniest people in the world are my friends so I must be doing something right you know you're right there it's such an evolution I mean I met you 15 years ago at the store and we're in Vegas with dice yeah that's how long I know you we both come a long fucking way you know it's it's just really amazing I did opium in for the last week too oh that must have been great I didn't see what's his name he was out nor one with Jimmy no he was

with gone with you know the big guy what's his name uh Kenny Kenny Kelly club soda wasn't there either but I want to thank club soda for getting me on there and stuff. Hopi and Anthony was great. But that's how long I know Simone and we've always been in a struggle and it's crazy seeing he's like the king of the store. Like he goes in and no one's not like every like there's always those people who I was always jealous of. Like there's some people everyone doesn't like somebody.

Like I'm sure there's people who don't like me and that's fine. But there's always that one kid in class or that one kid in the school who no one has a bad thing to say about. Like he's friends with all the groups and I feel like he's friends all the groups and I feel like that was Simone. Like everyone was just happy when you walk in and I was always jealous of that person. Like how do you get everybody to like

you? And it's just like I felt like that's what it was. And it was fun comedy-wise because I actually Paul actually, I've gotten Paul to actually like comedy. So we went the night before just to see this, we didn't hang out or anything. We just saw the show. And Steve did a 10 o'clock set. Where was this at? The store. Oh, you went Friday night at the store? Friday and Saturday. I just went to the store to see

the show and then he asked me to hang out on Saturday. And then, I didn't really watch the show Saturday, but I saw he had, you had an 1130 set, something like that? Yeah, I was like, I didn't get up to closer to midnight. And it was very different because it was about a quarterful versus all full. All full, absolutely. And you went out very, on Friday, you went out and you, like, exploded for five minutes and then slowed down a little bit.

on Saturday, you were very slow, and then exploded for the last 10 minutes. But, like, it's always interesting hearing the 12 people or the 30 people applaud, like, there are 100. Like, you did your bit, and, like, it sounded as loud as when it was at 9 o'clock or 10 o'clock. It was very, it was interesting watching that. Like, that's, I'm a huge comedy nerds. So just watching the different way you do it. And it's just, it's fun.

to watch. Every show is different. You got to play with the, it's a, it's a communication with the audience. Yeah. But you learn the most important thing, whether there's 12 people or 100. Give them everything.

You still got to give you soul. Absolutely. Give them everything. A lot of people don't understand. A lot of people go, that was the appreciation the comedy store gave me. That's some nights you're going to go

and there's going to be three people and you can't go home. Yeah. You can't say, well, nah, this isn't for me tonight. It's a saying you've got to learn. That's a complete different muscle. You have to learn to entertain

three people. Yeah. You know, Tuesday nights. You go to Fat Tuesday when I was there. It'd be 900 black people in the big room and eight people on the little room on Tuesday. Yeah. And you still had a fucking spot.

And if you didn't call in for Tuesday, she wouldn't give you spots of the weekend. That was the psychology. A lot of people would say, no, give me Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Mitty's short looks at him goes, go fuck your mother. Yeah.

I know what you're trying to do. Yeah. Well, you're too good to come in here. So that's why with her, you had to call coast to coast, Sunday to Sunday. Yeah, because then she'll see you're a real fucking deal. Yeah, that you want it.

So Tuesday, she'd put up the real fucking deals on Tuesday night because there's eight people. You're sitting there cursing her, but meanwhile, she's making you the best fucking comedian in the world. She's teaching you the greatest lesson of all time that some nights you're going to show up, and there's going to be eight motherfuckers in there. And guess what? You got to make them laugh. And that's what teaches you. You know, I was talking to Lee yesterday.

I'm at the point. I care about Lee a lot. Lee's the best. He's the back to the organization. In a couple weeks of what we were doing. doing something I know that Lee was sweating a lot and I go Lee we gotta fucking get Lee in the gym you know it's about time Lee to him man I know Lee tries you know I always make him walk I give him Goomy bears and I make him walk because I

don't want to fall asleep I want to eat the marijuana and go for a walk because his head will clear yeah I know when his head clears he'll call me and go I have an idea that's what that does that's what going for a walk does you know when I got off the cocaine I had to get in shade I had to go to a doctor I had to write calmly had to do all the things. But before I could do any of those things, I had to build my characterly. So I thought, and I said,

what can I do to build my character? And it's going on a schedule. It's this thing. And I went, I joined Kung Fu with black guys in Vermont. That didn't give a fuck. I was 400 pounds. They treated me like, they didn't give a fuck.

We don't give a fuck about your movies. We don't give a fuck about nothing. You got to do a horse dance for an hour. You got to do this. You got to fly through the air. And it made me build character. it made everything easier. Once I had that under me,

it made that easier. You got to get your legs under you. People want to stand up, but they don't have their legs on them, and then they realized three months later why they collapsed. Because your legs went under you. You didn't go, you went for it,

but you weren't prepared. You didn't bring the canteen. You went camping, but you didn't bring a fucking thing. And I say to people all the time, there's little things you could do, you know, and that one thing is exercise. You have no idea,

it's something that you have to do. You know, it's like when people go, I have a trainer at 10, and they get there 15 minutes late, and they bring their phone in, and they walk in with a cup of coffee. If I was there, train, I'd take that phone, I'd smack them, throw the coffee in their fucking face and throw them the fuck out of there.

Because it's your hour away. We've discussed this. When I see somebody with a cell phone and a gym, I want to go up to them and go, dog, you're missing the whole boat of this. Yep, that's the beauty of it. Ain't nobody going to fucking call you, and if they die, or if they have a heart attack,

you'll be there in an hour. Right. You'll be there in a fucking hour. I have that much faith in God, Then when I'm at the kettlebell gym and I leave my phone in the fucking car, that nothing's going to happen to my daughter or my wife. That's how much faith I have. It's called faith.

That's all part of it. Leave it in the fucking thing. That hour is for you. That hour is because after you walk for 10 minutes, the first 10 minutes or 15 minutes you're going to be saying to yourself, boy, this is hard. Fucking Joey's an asshole. I'm going to fucking get an operation.

I'm going to do this. And then after 10 minutes, you think of something, and you go away with that tangent. And that tangent is an 8-minute tangent. And now you're on Ventura and fucking Sepovla and you're surrounded by fucking the Inca's, you know, Mexican village and now you've got to walk home.

And this builds character. This is like when you drive to the gym. When I used to drive to Jiu-Jitsu the first 90 days, I was driving there to die. There's no worse feeling of that. When I first went to the economy store, I was driving there to follow Dom I Reber. I was driving there to die.

Now I had a decision. I could have gone there late and said, you know, I got stuck in traffic. Maybe I'll follow some fucking mud. I would force myself to follow Don My Rera, bro. Because I know it built character. You know, I've been going to Jiu-Jitsu lately, and it fucking sucks, and it's hard for me. But when I leave Jiu-Jitsu, I know in the back of my mind I can do anything.

Because I just did this. Me standing in front of a microphone, me doing a podcast, is easy. And this is why I always beat you up about going, what I say to last night, I want you to go for a walk league. That's it. I don't want you to join the gym. I don't want you to be Joe muscles. Not right now, not today. All I need you to do when we wrap up today,

go for a walk. Go to walk to 10th planet Jiu-Jitsu, look at what they have in the window. We'll walk back. And then tomorrow you walk a little far. Then tomorrow you walk a little far. And then one day you go, you know what? I'm ready for a fucking bicycle.

And this is your 40 minutes. It's going to start, bro. I was thinking about Sacramento the other day. Year and a half ago in Sacramento, Scouts on it. I was doing seven minutes on the epileptical. Wow. Seven minutes. And I was like, you know, I did 40 on fucking Friday.

Oh, that's awesome. 40. I went in there and somebody was on the fucking treadmill. You know, I used to try. travel and not go to the gym. I used to travel when I go now, when I get the call, I look at the hotel and see what they got available. A pool,

a little weightland. I know that, all right, they may not have weights. Fuck it. I don't even need weights. Who needs weights? Right. I need cardio. I need to walk. I need to think. I need my mind to fucking think. Nothing. You want to become a thinking machine? Go for a fucking walk. Oh, it's the, I get my best ideas. You want to become a really thinking machine? Smoke a joint, go for a

walk. And then you start thinking that you're thirsty and you got to walk and put the iPod on too and bring that a cell phone so you could write in your ideas. Absolutely. It's amazing. That's why I say those things to you, Lee, because it's the character. Anybody fucking hire a trainer. Any fucking idiotic can hire a trainer. I want it to be your hour.

It's your hour. How many people could say that I have an hour for myself every day where the world doesn't matter. How many people could actually say that, you know? I see people who live with their children that live on a fucking phone. They're at the park.

And texting people. I'm not even going to read. I'm not even going to Read your fucking text message. Right. I'm with my fucking kid. You know what I'm saying? I mean, there's just a boat. We're missing so much at these levels

because of the cell phones and all this other dumb shit. Yeah, technology's pulling people out of the world instead of making it better. And that's why I say those things dearly because it builds character. You know what? You could go on all the fucking little chicken cutlet diets

you want to eventually. We've had this discussion that we all know as Americans what we need to do to get healthy. Yeah. We know. We know. We fucking know.

You know? But every time I walk around, I see lines of people on McDonald's. We live in this society that it's amazing as Americans as human beings. And I was one of those people. I know cocaine is bad for you. I do it. I know cigarettes of bad feet. I do it.

After all the fucking reprimand you hear about cigarettes, you still see people smoking 50 fucking thousand cigarettes. You know, I'm more better with this vapor pen. Who knows? 20 years from now, people be walking around green. I had vapor in my system. I don't know what happened between the Texas. No, it's true.

And I actually, the whole reason, my place now is tiny. It's fine for me, but it's, it's not ideal. But like the whole thing last night, I walked from, it's not a long walk. It's like, I think it's less than half a mile. I don't give a fuck. From more park to Ventura. And I just walked there to grab dinner. And I walk back and I actually, I actually do have an idea to talk to you about it.

I told you. I told you. But nothing. And it's you. Yeah, we have no idea How much that hour To ourselves means It wasn't even an hour, like 30 minutes

It's a start though That's a start That's a fucking start Baby steps That's a start And then you know You ever get out of your car in L.A. And for five minutes

A sun hits you and you go Oh, what a gift? God damn do I feel good Okay You know what? I'm not even going to go upstairs Yep I'm going to sit here for five minutes

I'm going to look down the corner And see the sun shines like that I'm going to walk down I might bump into a cat I might bump into a dog I'm I bump into somebody Yeah, it's great It's amazing

It really is amazing You know what got me out It was my landlord came over To do some work And I don't know about you But I always I never have the shades open I just always have them closed

Me too I don't know why There's no reason I'm not But he opened the shades To put in new screens And like the sunlight And I was coming

And I was like Wow that's nice Like it's just like A little thing I'm like He gave me some Some oranges from the orange tree I'm like

I should like I'm a inside person. I've been an inside person for 25 and a half years. I'm never going to be an outside person. But it is, and you make the joke about vitamin D deficient people in Southern California.

But it feels good to be outside. Even if I just had a chair outside, it'd be nice to just be out in the side. You'd be a surprise. That's why I always needed a coffee shop and I sit outside. And that coffee shop we go to after like 11, the sun goes away, so it really blows. And that's why sometimes in the afternoon, I'm hesitant to go there.

When you go outside, you want to get hit by the sun. You want the love of the sun. Yeah, the last time we were there, we just sat on the bench. It was great. It was just perfect. That's right. You and I left the table? Yeah, and we just sat out on the bench, and I went, what's better than this?

What's up? It's a very relaxed podcast today. It's very relaxed, man. This is it. This is a different style. The beauty about comedy and what we do is that it always changes. You know, and sometimes I come in here fucking crazy. I've noticed that the podcast,

has changed little since I don't smoke. I noticed it's a little bit more controlled, you know, when I would smoke fucking three joints in the morning. Who the fuck smoke three joints? Three joints? What a fuck smoke? What a fuck smoke a joint and a half, maybe three bowl hits before I got the lees.

And I always rolled two or two and a half joints at Lees. At least, yeah. By the time you leave there, you're fucking blasted. No wonder I couldn't breathe. But I'll tell you, you don't hear me breathing that much no more. I don't have the wheezes that much no more. That's great. I'm leaving three weeks.

Then next week, I'm going to smoke. I'm quitting smoking. I got to smoke again next Tuesday because I'm doing Doug Benson's show. So next Tuesday morning, I am going to fucking smoke at home and then that night I'll smoke over there if I can. I'll see how to fucking feel.

You know what I'm saying? It's been such a fucking long time. I've got to tell you something else too. I've done over 500 fucking podcast. Okay? There's some people who do certain things. I got pissed off at this one guy this weekend. But I'm really sick and tired of this

and I'm going to address it right now so everybody gets it once and for all. I like to move around when I fucking do a podcast. I hate talking into the fucking microphone. I just forget sometimes, okay? Stop hitting me up with the sound issues. We do this for free. We got up at 4.45 every Monday and Wednesday to do this for free.

Now, I want you to listen to this and listen to this is good for the last time. Any podcast I'm on, whether it's Rogans or whatever, you always get complaints. I'm off the thing. So when I'm on the fucking microphone, I'm on, either put your volume up and do me a favor. Go fuck your mother, okay? Go fuck your mother in the ass. you ever fucking sent me a tweet no more about sound dishes. You don't like it?

Turn it off. Turn it off. This is what it is. I'm sick and tired of hearing you dumb motherfuckers complain about something. This is free. We provide a fucking free service to you. We enjoy you, but that's it. We enjoy you, you enjoy us. You want to say something negative? Just fucking block

me and turn the prescription off. Do me that favor. If I don't like somebody, I don't mail him a thing. Fuck you. I can't hear. Some fucking doucheback cunt in Toronto last night. Every message he sends, it's always like a negativity. I need to comedy. And I know the kind of cunt he is by his pictures.

Once I saw his pictures on Twitter, I go, I know the type of cunt this is. This guy's a cunty fucking guy. This Ben Stiller looking motherfucker with glasses. Anybody who looks like Ben Stiller is a cunt in my life, you know what I'm saying? With that fucking look like, you know, we're better than you. I get on the fuck. I hate that fucking look. And only Gentiles do it.

Niggers don't do it. Chinks don't do it. Spicks don't do it. It's you fucking Gentiles. You get $3 in your pocket and you think you're better than everybody fucking else until you get smacked or robbed

and then you realize you get your nigger wake-up call on the words of Paul Mooney because at the end of the day we're all a bunch of fucking niggers like Paul Mooney says. Once I bumped into Paul Mooney it made my life so much fucking easy

because I realize we're all a bunch of fucking niggers we just don't even know it yet. We just don't even fucking know it yet and then comes a situation like this where they act this way. Yes they got on a plane I'm not, you know you get on planes

and there's always fucking stupid celebrities He's going back to home on a Sunday. And you could see them at the gate how they act. You know? And then the people around them are that goofy. They come and giving him hugs. It's good to see. And this guy,

and the fucking two pilots come out and shake his fucking hand like a jerk on. But he sits there with his air of... Like he's better. Yeah, like here I am. And people are trying to say hello to him. And he's, you know, they're always busy or they're always talking. It's so ridiculous.

It's so ridiculous. Like his manager or some other fucking Gentile mutts. sat next to him that was also and they were acting like they were kids like giggling about a situation so people could notice them oh yeah doing it for attention yeah like what are they talking about you know it's like when you see it somebody on stage in a band and they talk to each other because cool they are yeah the fuck's wrong with you you know all that shit is always fucking bother they have that that air to them like that that air to them like dushiness you know it's duchiness It just drives me fucking crazy.

So please. Then if you want to walk around like a douche, we all get our nigger wake-up call, like Elion Hernandez did when he fucking came to. I'll never forget Paul. I'll never forget when Paul Mooney said that to me to my face. What did he say? He walked up to me, he goes, hey, home.

In Miami. And then he went on stage all week, in Miami, and told the Cubans how you're Cuban's doing tonight. You finally got your nigger wake-up call. You're over here in Miami jumping up and down and shit, you know, thinking that you're walking. Now you got your nigger wake-up call. At the end, you realize you're all a bunch of niggas.

Eleon Faye. He just went off. And it's true. He goes, you Cubans thought you were the king of the world. He's in Miami. You come over here. The kid comes over. We're going to keep them.

They came and yank that motherfucker. Remember that? Yeah. They yank that motherfucker. A little Elion Hernandez. Terrible. It's a step. But I didn't mean to say these words,

how I said them, but it's true. We all get our nigger wake-up call. So cut it out, all right? Cut it the fuck out. Everybody's a human being. Everybody's a fucking human being. Right. But everybody in this town thinks they're better than everybody else.

But you have these people, especially on Twitter, and you can see who they are. Twitter, it really has them. You can see the difference between Facebook and Twitter. Facebook is more Catholicism, more, you know, whatever the fuck it is, this fucking idiot. But Twitter's a little more stretched out. And I would get Twitch from this guy every like four fucking days, like wrapped up in something. Like, you know, this is great. And then he'd make like a joke.

Last night I looked at him, I go, you know what, do me a favor, bro. If you don't like it, move the fuck on. Go. Go. I don't need you, and you're stupid. I don't need you. I really don't. If you don't like it, go listen to some bubbles podcast or something.

You're like, what to sound. Don't then go fuck you. I don't know what to tell you. This is how I do. Sometimes I move around and sometimes I don't. You know, put the fucking volume in, put the speakers on, and that's it. Do you best you can. But don't keep sending me shit, Joey, the sound.

Talking to the mic. Talking to your wife's pussy. That's what you should do. Go talking to your girlfriend's pussy Instead of being such a faggot Listen to a fucking podcast all day Then you wonder why your chick is fucking some black guy at work Because you don't need her fucking snacks

That's why. Pay attention to what's fucking important Not the sound on some fucking podcast And then you try to embarrass me on Twitter So people could see it Fucking dummies Some people just they want to focus on the negative No matter how great is And it's like you know

Life's too short to be around people like that You don't want What do you want that guy to listen and then always complain and then bring his stupid friends to one of your shows that will ruin the energy in the room. It's like, no, I don't want these people around me no more. I agree with that. Shut the fuck up.

If you don't like it, move the fuck on. I don't like a thousand things. I move the fuck on it. Yeah, don't focus on me. I don't tweet nobody. Okay, I'm unhappy. Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck?

But there's always trouble somebody trying to ruin somebody's day. Absolutely. And I hate that shit, especially on Monday morning. You know, Monday mornings I get up, I try to really action it up on Twitter the way people have to let them know it's Monday or a lot. This morning's, I'm going to hit me. I don't like that song. You don't like, you're never gonna like nothing.

You're never gonna like nothing. How don't you like fucking, uh, or look that kill? Or black, how don't you like it? You don't like that song. I didn't really like it. So go listen to Rush or cheap trick and jump up and down and get a sticker.

Get a sticker. You know, I get a sticker. Look at me. I got a shirt. I went to the show. Who gives a fuck? So what? You're fucking cool, stupid motherfuckers.

What's up, Lisa? I just feel like the podcast should end right there. Just like, turn it off. No, I'm feeling good. It's a beautiful fucking day. We got the world by the fucking balls. Everybody here in this room got the world by the balls. A 50 when I got the world by the balls.

You got the world by the balls. And you're 25. You should be jerking off all over yourself. When you wake up in the morning, you should jerk off and come right in your face. That's what I would do at 25. I knew what this was the situation. If you're 25, you should be waking up in the morning and jerking off in your hand. You're wiping on your face and let it dry and go out and tell everybody to suck my dick.

I'm on a mission from Satan. Fuck God. Suck my dick. I'm on a mission from Sautana. I thought he said in Spanish. You know, me and fucking, my man, Steve Simone, the last real American Catholics. We don't fuck around.

And Steve makes me look like a door prize. Yeah, he went to. We were recording his intro nacho, and I was like, can you do it a little bit earlier because I was coming home from Paula? He's like, I'll be there a little bit earlier, but I'm walking in church right now. Sure.

He's a Saturday. Who's the real deal? This is the way. He won't even watch The Exorcist. Never. That's how much of a real deal of this guy is. Yeah, I won't do it. And you got to watch it.

You got to watch it. You got to watch it. It's the other side of the fence and shit. No. It's amazing. I went to Boston last week. I got off to playing in Boston, the first three things I saw were churches.

That's a good sign. And that's a good sign. And in Jersey, I got off the fucking playing. The first 10 things I saw are black people. I loved it, but I don't give a fuck. Black people church is the same. It's all God. I love it.

I love seeing fucking Jersey black people. I fucking love it. I love them. The chicks, the black chicks in Jersey, I fucking love them. Black women from Jersey, I will do anything to marry you in a different fucking life, man. I swear to God, there's some fine motherfucking

black chicks in Jersey. And their personality is what fucking wins me over. Their personality when one called me big boy, I nearly came in my asshole. You understand me? Come came out of my asshole. That's the first time I felt like a faggot in years. You understand me? A little

load of tropical helmet Staminca came out of my ass. When she called me for a big boy, I almost fucking died, Doug. Nobody ever calls me big boy. That's so great. Nobody. Sisters from Jersey, I fucking love you, man. They were all over the airport. They're at the hotels.

They are, they're shit. Yeah, they are. Philly sisters, my heart goes out to you too. You black motherfuckers, you know how to do it. You know what I'm saying? You guys could tear up white men and you don't because you, you know what I'm saying? They really could. There's some sisters out there

that can fuck a white dude up for years. Some black pussy, some fucking SPF number two and some cocoa butter. Stop it. Stop it. Oh, fuck it, dog. I'm getting dark just like you.

I'm going to rub it on my helmet. Nobody gets a suntan on their dick no more. Nobody puts SPF on the helmet and stands out there with a fucking couch and say, can you imagine just putting sun tan lotion on your dick and just getting a suntan on your dick? and people walking up to you What are you doing?

Anything I'm doing with a little loop You got the little loo The mirror You're like that How you like me now? How you like me now Lisa?

Yeah You bad motherfucker What's up, Lee? You don't smoke dope no more I got you in a pain on mindless Next time you smoke pot You're gonna get fucking hot

You have to smoke for three, four, five weeks But I've been doing the edibles I do edibles I do edibles Whenever we do it Oh, it reminds me I got an edible for Lee today

Okay No you don't get nothing today Because you're not gonna walk You're gonna waste it Look at him, he's sweating. No, I don't know how... I like walking, but the fucking...

Those edibles send me to another dimension. The walking in the edible really takes you gay. Because it gives you energy. I had a guy on Twitter. I don't think he was at your show, but he took, like, a third of a deck of dose. And he freaking was telling me... He's like, I'm freaking out in Chicago, man.

No, he was in Chicago. He's like, what do I do? And I'd, like, just go to bed. He's like, I'm in the middle of downtown Chicago. I can't do that. No, it's fucking hard sometimes. Edibles hit you all that once. I loved it.

I was listening to you and O. B. Anthony, and they're like, you weren't smoking? Yeah, for the first five minutes, they thought you weren't on anything. And then you're like, I'm on a gummy beer right now. Oh, I just inhaled a gummy bear when I walked up the stairs. You need something. I take my edible with my blood pressure medication. I take my little fucking blood pressure medication, a little edible,

and I'm ready for the fucking day because I don't smoke. I'm not smoking. The edible feels great now. It feels completely different than when I was smoking. Yeah? Yeah. It feels fucking great. When's the next day?

Do you have Denver or Colorado on your store in right now? Not at all. What have you heard about that about the legal week? I heard it's amazing. I heard it's just a mind-fuck, you know? It's just something that you never dreamed of. Yeah. He's looking at this, you know, and there's pros and cons to everything.

You know, I'm not here to judge or not judge. You know, it makes no difference to me. I don't live in Colorado, so I really don't know what's going on. I just meant because it's like it's always, I mean, everyone's seen super high me and they raid the dispensaries so I don't know how the federal government's not raiding that I just I don't know the rules behind it

so it's uh I think the federal government has their hands full of other fucking situations you would think you'd hope so you know for them to reach out right now and go tear apart Denver yeah people lose their minds what is the point yeah what is the fucking plus I think it's inevitable they're going to be making so much money

nobody cares everybody's paying attention everybody's seeing this and going why yeah why don't why don't why they have to school care programs anymore for the children. Right. Why aren't they all these programs for the children? Let's fucking sponsor I don't give a fuck where it comes from no more. Half this money is fucking politically

ain't fucking correct anyway. We just don't know it. Well, we were talking with, his name was Jason Lucas? I thought his name was just Lucas in the car the other night. And he was saying he has three kids and he has to send his kindergartner to a private school for 600 a month for kindergarten? For kindergarten.

I'm like, Jesus Christ, I mean, I can't imagine paying for just myself. Can you believe that? Yeah, it's great. This city's crazy. Can you believe that? Can you believe this shit? This is, you have to pay for an education now at all levels.

Yeah. Last week I was talking to my wife, and I don't think, my wife's a great mom, and she's doing a great job. And she called me, and she goes, what time you ought to be home? I'll meet you, I got you a chicken? I don't know what she was saying.

And I go, where are you now? She goes, I'm at the daycare. And I go, daycare. And she goes, yeah, you know, for next summer. And I'm like, next summer. So you're really scheduling 2015. I mean, this is what they do. You have to go to these daycares.

I'm going to put it in a daycare that it's a Christian daycare. That's how good the daycare is. Jew moms drive their kids up from fucking Orange County. They go to this daycare. And now they have pre-K. It's all the fucking, and you know what pre-K and daycare is? Lazy fucking parents or, you know, God forbid them. I mean, it's for people who have to work two fucking jobs.

That's the problem. But you defeat the purpose. You work the job. And the money goes, absolutely. And the money goes out. But maybe you get insurance. Maybe there's something that you need to you wrap that all up in your search for whatever. But, you know, I remember the day when your mom stayed home.

Yeah. Mom stayed home. You know, and I'm sure moms can't do that. Can't afford to. My mom did it and she's having, she has a job, thank God. But it's not the job she wants. And she's trying to get another one. And she didn't work for 20 years.

So it's hurting her. So like I think like every time I talk to her, feel like guilty that it's my fault she's having a little bit trouble now but she just she was a lawyer and she just she wanted to be a mom and luckily my dad made enough money

for most of my childhood to be able to do that but uh it's it's a big it's a big risk and I mean talking listening to them talk on the way down I've always wanted to kids I love kids and I think it'd be great

but I can't imagine like I know how much my college cost By the time, by the time, I have kids, it's going to be, you're going to be spending a million dollars per kid between elementary school through college. I mean, it's going to have to get, it's going to get to that point. Josh Wolfe was paying $20,000 a year for his junior in high school for Jacob. Oh my God. 20,000 to go to a grand high school. So that's $80,000 at the end of four years plus, you know, 22 for books, glasses, uniforms.

They fuck you up the ass in every level. I didn't know why Josh was going on the road all the time and that's why. Because you've got to come up with 20 fucking large a year for your students, for your kids' fucking tuition. Or you could put them in public school and they got 49 kids in every classroom. They're not really learning nothing. So you've got to review everything at the end of the fucking day with them when you get home. You know, parenting is very hard. It's a lot harder than what I think these parents today are putting time into it.

You know, there's a lot of kids that aren't respectful. There's a lot of kids that don't listen. I see this. Fallen apart. And then I go home and I see my friend and his two daughters. And they've inspired me. My friend DeVillo, who was going to call in today. He was going to call in for the doctor for physical therapy for his knee.

I see his children, and I always ask him how. And he told him, he goes, I took a job at the house. You know, I worked hard while they were in school. And once they were out of school, I was all over them, like a cheap fucking suit. You know, doing this and doing that and activities and working. And while one was doing jumping jacks, the other one was fucking doing a homework. And when you meet his children, you see it. Why do you fucking close your eyes when I cough?

I've never seen it like that. It's an audio thing. I don't know. And you stop coughing. Oh, I mean, I think, I don't know what it is in here. Sometimes I cough a little bit. But no, I've been doing good. I've still drank a little bit of soda, but I've been doing more water.

Good. But it's... What was the soda making you cough? I think the water cleans out your system probably. I mean, I don't... I fucking hated water until five years ago. Yeah, I used to be disgusted by it. I hated water.

No time I got to be. eat waters with Chinese food. Classic cold water with ice cubes after that fucking twice-cooked pork. Oh, so. Damn. Did you have Chinese food in Jersey? First night. You had someone bring it to you. Didn't he? Didn't George pick it up for you?

He wants you a spare rib? Please. The red ones? You took a picture of it? I was spare rip. I don't fuck around. With the bones in or bones out. Does it really matter? Did you get any of that steak with the stick in the middle of it? No, he got me. He got me everything. He got me. He got me the things I needed.

He got me, uh, shrimp with lops or something. Three egg rows. Yes. Three tremendous, beautiful fucking egg rose. He got me, uh. I was going to ask earlier. He was like, I don't want him to be the guy to ask. What?

About Chinese food. Oh, it was so beautiful. Look at that rib. Oh, my gosh. Look at that. That's perfect. That's 35 years I've been going to that Chinese. This is filled with Jews.

You go to chance. They have a day check yarmacus at the door. Yamakas and weapons at the door. This is a Jersey Jews. They got those fucking. Knives on the Yarmik. Ah job. James Bond.

James Bond. Goldfinger and shit. It's, uh, he brought a bag of spare ribs. He brought three of those egg rolls. The bag. The bag. The bag with the foil and then you open the steam comes out. He brought a steam rice and he brought shrimp and lobster sauce.

Oh, fuck. Deliciously. He was watching me eat the spare ribs. Do they even know how to make shrimp with lobster sauce out here? No. I haven't seen it on a menu. It's fucking duck cum with three strips. peas and carrots.

It's this fucking white spit. It's disgusting. They don't know how to do it. I tried to teach China deli. I try to tell them, put pork in it for flavor. They don't get it. You have to put little tiny pieces of pork. Yeah, it's not a lobster at all, I don't think.

It is a little lobster. There is a lot of lobster. Yeah, there is. The pork, a little bit of pork is, the way that Chans does it. They give me little pieces of pork in that. And that gives it the flavor with the egg yolk and the fucking egg and the white rice. So good. And they brought pork fried rice, the ribs.

three egg rolls. Thursday night right off the bat. That's how Georgie showed up. The rest of the time I didn't eat much. They're supposed to be a spectacular steakhouse. And my friends were, and my friends is what they do for a fucking living. Like they go for steaks once a week,

that lugas and all this shit. And I asked them, they go, we weren't really happy with steak eating, whatever the fuck it was, where they went. It's supposed to be a big place. Do you go to Dunkin' Donuts when you were there?

Not at all. Because it's really gone downhill. Oh. They have a bunch of sandwiches now. Dunkin' Donuts is fucking horrific. the last 15 years. And I've been talking a lot about this. Whether it's Dunkin' Donuts, whether it's Dairy Queen,

whether it's Subway, whether it's Blimpies, I'm seeing it more and more. I'll tell you the reason why. You want to know why, guys? Because they didn't grow up on Dunkin' Donuts. They didn't grow up on Dairy Queen. By the year ago, I was dying for a Dairy Queen. Went up to North Ridge.

Again, I'd have nothing against nobody. It was owned by foreigners, whether they're Arabs or Pakistanians or whatever the fuck. They didn't grow up on Derry Queen. They don't know what Dairy Queen's supposed to taste like. They don't know what Derry Queen means. stars. It's an investment opportunity. Dunkin donuts, I did not eat Duncan donuts for 20 years, and I went to Santa Fe, New Mexico. When you make the turn in Santa Fe, New Mexico, it's right

there. When I was shooting the fucking longest yard, there was a Dunkin' Donuts down the box. I would go in there in the morning before I shoot to get the coffee, and the donuts were fucking horrifically bad, horrifically bad, horrifically bad. Listen, the coffee's great, but I don't need a fucking cauldron of heat. You know, I don't need my, coffee boiling. I don't need to wait a half hour to drink my fucking coffee. That doesn't make the coffee better. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Unless you're putting cream in it. I like my coffee black. Black is beautiful. Brown as shit. You know, whatever the fuck it is. I like coffee medium, you know, hot but not spoiling. Yeah. So a lot of these places you're going to, sure they're not the same. Have you been to Chili's lately? No. Horrific.

Horrific. Go to the Chili's now. Horific. They have one and seen them. I went and there to wait one day for my wife. We both were some. Soups are fucking horrible. The baby back ribs are to fucking live for. You know how food is to die for? Don't eat it. You'll live.

You know, it's like that and everything now. And is it us? Is it me in the particular? Is it you? Because you just brought up to me. Is it you? We see it and everything. You know, that's why I go to more mom and pop places.

You do. Anytime I get a chance because there's somebody there that cares. And I think these big corporations aren't paying anybody anything. And they're like, you're lucky to have a job. And then you go in there and it's, sucks. Where did I go in Jersey? I went to write eight to buy a nail clip and it was

a 15 minute experience I would have walked out. I cannot believe and there was three people behind the counter and all three of them were fucking worthless. Yep. Worthless. And they don't care. They were talking amongst themselves about their petty fucking lives on Friday night

or on Thursday or whatever the fuck they did and you look at these three And is it the manager's fault? No, he's only got $8 an hour to pay these fucking people. Yep. The corporation only gives him $8 an hour. Yeah, you can't get anybody to that.

So this is why you got this white kid with a turban on trying to play Hindu. You got a fucking Puerto Rican chick that's retarded, and you got a 900-pound black woman that took the five fucking minutes just to fucking get up and shit if she was jiggling at the thing.

It was like a jiggle fest. I couldn't fucking believe it, Lee. You know, there's nine people online that the Arab, white dude, with the white guy with the turban is behind the fucking counter the Puerto Rican is on her cell phone and black mama is there licking her fingers making sure there's no fucking pop-bice chicken left in her fucking in her fingers finally the guy goes customer service she looks over like oh that must be me and then she pushed on the fucking thing on the desk you've seen the desk whoosh

she got up jelly and she had the thing from her arms and shit and then she came all pissed up What can I do for you? You know, can you check? Do you have a card? You don't have a riot aid card? How come you don't have a riot aid card? Because I don't fucking live in riotate neighborhood, bitch. I go to CVS.

That's why I don't have a fucking riot aid card. It's funny you're talking about this. I had to go to a gas station yesterday. And I pulled up and I saw the guy walking the door. It was like an AMPM that's always open. And I pulled up. I rolled the window down. I'm like, are you closed?

Because I need to go grab something. And he's like, no, I'm just going to grab a smoke. And he's like, I'll be back in like 10 minutes. I'm just going to smoke. And he put a... a sign in the window back in 10 minutes. I'm like I never want to tell on anybody. Like I wouldn't want him to lose his job because I feel

bad. But I mean if you're a gas station employee you can't put a sign on the window. This is back in 10 minutes. I thought about you when I saw it. Like what would Joey say to this guy back in 10 minutes? Well they start the pump outside. You can shove

your car. Well they have the pump outside but I wanted to go in and to grab a drink because I was doing the walk thing. And then oh no, I wasn't walking. point I was driving but uh I went to a different gas station it's just it's uh and the thing about the restaurant is we we uh we talked this weekend uh because paul and I were going to a certain restaurant and the thing we do now is instead of going to like a chili or something like that

they have these group on and restaurant deals for all these places so Paul and I went to this like Hollywoody place that would have cost two or three of it was pretty busy it was it's a smaller place so it wasn't that it wasn't like a line or anything we went to this Hollywood place that would have cost everyone else three or four hundred bucks but it cheap and Paula got this this group on for 50 bucks both of us

had three courses oh nice and it was great so I mean I think that's a way to do it now it's just you gotta go do these groupons and go to the nicer place I was trying to sign to McCla what's the prime rip place on Hollywood Boulevard that's been there for 2000 Musso and France I've never been in there I love private but I would definitely

You don't have been there? No. To go there for lunch one day. It's not that expensive guys. It's really old school, too, right? I love old school. Greg Proops type the special there. Get out of here.

Take the special on there. It should be coming out. Oh, that's great. Yeah, I'm very curious to see Greg Proops at this fucking place, man. I got to have Greg Proofs call it. I like Greg Proops. Oh, definitely. Yeah, anybody would shoot a special to a spot like that.

Yeah, a spot like that. He shot at that Mussol and Franksley interacted with the waiters and shit like that. That's cool. It was pretty fucking interesting. But Bezo was good. It was good. I mean, I had. have we didn't we there was a it was a limited menu

what you could get with the deal but um no she doesn't know it no more i don't know i mean her name was on the menu her name was like eva salad or whatever but i don't know angora used to own it and this is why i told them that years ago i lived around the corner from there and i remember one day i was walking down the street i seen these people shaking their heads and i go and something happened something happened the corner they go we'll never fucking eat there again i thought they went to that sandwich place there used to be a sandwich place and i said you go out of the sandwich place it was really bad and they go, no, that fucking

Langorias restaurant. I didn't even know what kind of food they served, but I knew it was a Hollywood type place. Yeah, yeah, it looks like a nightclub. Yeah, like Velvet Rowls. So I thought Lee was going to eat that. He's going to get beat. I'm like, Lee, you might as well go to Mousan. Frankly, he said it was really good. What did you eat? We had short ribs? Babyback rib.

Is it a Mexican restaurant? It's like Mexican-inspired sort of thing. So then it was a barbecue sort of like steak with this Mexican, like, corn thing, and then I got churros, and then she got chocolate Flan and we basically got the same thing but something I've noticed recently is because

I mean I always go out to eat you go out to eat do you ever get I don't know if it's my age or what it is but I've gotten a lot of bad servers lately and I'm always a great tipper so and I actually had to get my first bad tip like we went to an island's that burger place and it's it's fine for burgers but it's just not that great and this our server came once like other servers had to help us so I gave my first tip under 15% in my life, I think. But I don't know if it's... Do you get it?

Because you don't necessarily dress up in a suit to go to nicer places. Do you get bad service? Do you notice that? Or is it... Is it my age? I don't know what it is, but I've gotten like three or four bad services in a row.

I turn good... I turn bad service into good service. Okay. I'm one of those guys where I take control of that situation. You know, my wife is very sweet. You know, I have a problem with nice people. I have the nicest people around me in my life. I have Lee, you, my wife, and George.

who you piss me off by your fucking niceness. You piss me off by your niceness because the world ain't that fucking nice. And I tip everybody. You know, I tip above and beyond what I shouldn't. But I want my shit a certain fucking way. So I don't let you play the game. I'm prepared.

When you walk to me the first time, I don't let you be a bad way. Can I get you drinks? No, you're going to take the whole fucking order. Oh, yeah. I don't play with my wife. When my wife sits down, you better look at that menu, bitch. Because I already know what's coming.

I'm going to ask you one fucking time. You know, I get really pissed off at my wife and a lot of levels of different things because I assume the person's fucking stupid. In today's economy, when you go out to eat or something like that, and I'm not talking about waiters. I'm talking about when you go to get a sandwich and shit or business situations.

My wife has a habit of mixing the baby involved. And they giggle and they laugh. I don't like that. Let's take care of the business first. Then you can talk about the baby and giggle and look at the baby dance and do whatever fuck you do. because then you get pissed when the order's wrong.

Then you get pissed when the order's wrong. So let's cut the shit with the hellos. Oh, my God, it's cold out. Oh, yes, it is. It's so. Fuck all that nonsense. How you doing? Great.

What's going on? What can I get you a drink? No, we got the orders ready. The order's ready. What the fuck get the drink? All right. Let's go. What is it?

Yeah. Well, I didn't look. Then go fuck your mother. This is your bamb-b-b-b-b-and-and-then-dil. That's how I was brought up in restaurants. You got order. That's it. What's this shit?

We're ordering 10 minutes. So how was your day? No, because then you're fucking up. You're fucking up. You're fucking up. Take care of business. Then you could talk and giggle. I'm like, oh, this guy.

Who gives a fuck? Order. Order. I didn't even know you could. We ordered right away every time I went out to eat my whole life until I came to California. You just ask them for drinks. Yeah, you're slowing them down. No, fuck that shit.

Give me your order. What is it? Boom, boom, boom. You get this motherfucking working. And let me get rice. And let me get a side of all. order is. You get this motherfucker and then he's in the bank. He's in a groove. He knows

he can't come to your table late or don't come to my table empty hand. Every time you come to this motherfucker. Have bread. How should we bring it? Should we bring it? Bring it? I don't give a fuck. Bring the soup last. Just bring it, bitch. We're hungry. You assume that we're fucking hungry, right? Yeah. Well, that actually being a server, I do get kind of pissed off on like the advertisers

and the atres aren't spread out enough. I don't need it to be 30 minutes, but I hate when you're like two bites in the appetizer and like a steak comes because then one of them is going to get cold. I don't know. I was, being a server,

especially out here, do you know if they make minimum wage out here being a server? And in Boston, I made 263 an hour, which got taken out because of tips. Yeah. They make minimum wage

with a break out here being a server. If I, I've thought about it, like, if I had a little bit more time, I would definitely be a server in like a nice restaurant. Because you can make a,

in a nice restaurant, like, I feel bad for Denny's servers because I don't know how they make money. They make a ton of money. Do you think so? Go to Denny's by my house. And look at the staff.

They must have like 40 tables. Look at the staff there. And my wife figured it out one day. My wife goes, look at how much. Go to the Denny's by my house. They've had the same way. Since I grew up since I moved to that Denys. That's how you see if they make money.

The chick, the retarded kid, there's a kid that you go in there. It's a sweetheart. But you could see he got hitting the head with a hammer. He fell off a bike as a young age. He's a Laker fan. He goes to all the Laker games. He sits outside and he waits for the autographs And he'll show you who's autograph

He's great He's got kids Bro, this motherfucker is a waiter You go to Denny's They're waiters There's a chick at Denny's That she don't come to your table Unless it's heat

I don't like the food of Denny's You know the Denny's are my wife I'll go in there for a shake with you We'll go for a shake We want it together for a shake But you go to Denny's you look at the retarded kid In Denny's the chick There's like four of them at the Denny's

By my house, the Chinese chick They've been there since day one The managers That's a good time And that's a good sign. And my wife says they got 40 tables. They each got fucking 10 tables. They're averaging $3 a fucking table an hour.

Yeah, it's $30 an hour. Plus the fucking dollar or whatever an hour they get. You're crazy. It's tough. I mean, you can do it, but 10 tables, you're constantly moving. What would you rather do? Be sitting at one of those jobs? I would rather, my dreams, because I was a server at Legal Seafood, the one you went to in Boston.

My dream is like a nice, steakhouse have like two tables because my i don't know if it's only i i've always liked older people like people that are older than me but if you're like 60 and above and i'm your server it's going to be a good time because like they they love talking and it's just if i could have two tables that are each going to get a bottle of wine a bottle of two or wine they're all going to get stakes you're going to make two three four hundred dollars in a night but i just my thing like i'm i'm a big guy my thing was never carrying the huge trades of 18,000 drinks and 14,000

plates. That wasn't my thing, but I can smooth you, I can say, oh, that's a very nice dress and talk about your grandkids. That's where it comes in. The Denny servers, if they're making that much money, they deserve it, because 10 tables at once, everyone wants to drinks. Well, you can count them. They got

probably 40 tables and they probably got five people, so they got nine to seven tables. Yeah. And they're always packed at certain times. Fucking Denny's in the morning. So, it just makes sense, man. Listen, I applaud anybody who does that industry me too that's a tough fucking industry i talk about it fucked up but i i applaud it you know what i hate when i have a skinny waiter because they don't know the importance yeah they don't know what it means they don't know the importance of

being hungry they don't know there's a lot it's like when i see a skinny chef that thinks he's cute i want to see a fat 800 pound chef that's the motherfucker i want to eat with like those italian women oh the best you know that's how you know they doping it up i don't want to see a skinny you fucking chef, you know, and waiting tables, I consider it. That's a tough job. I bartended it, and that sucked. I can't imagine waiting fucking tables. But if you're going to wait a table, it's constant.

You've got to think about the next move. I'm always thinking about the next move, just because that's what I learned with construction. I was a hard carrier. You're thinking about the hoddy. You're thinking about the bricks and the water, and is he thirsty? And, you know, I never wanted somebody to tell me what to do. That's always bad. Somebody goes, excuse me, can we have that sugar?

Fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, a table. Set your moves up. And that comes with anything with stand-up. That comes with fucking anything. You've got to set your moves up. And a lot of people don't have that plan ahead.

That's so true. I learned that in construction too. Like, as soon as they're working on this wall, I'm already doing the staging for this wall over there, getting the buckets, the mud, everything's ready to rock you ready. This is done, boom. This moves set up.

Now I'm breaking this down. Time is money. If they got to wait, that means we ain't making money. Yep. So you ain't got that time. They don't even have an hour. with a wait, sit there while you scaffold.

So you gotta be loading that thing up already. So when their job was done, I was already preparing the next job. I was already moving bricks to the next spot. Four feet from the wall. Absolutely, yeah, it was already all stacked ready to rock. I smoked a joint. I went to construction.

So you're always moving, bro. You're always fucking thinking, you know. Construct a hug. How hard is construction? I just imagine, especially in the summer of the East Coast, I can't, I moved in my back. It's been hurting for a week and a half. I can't imagine being a construction worker.

Especially you see the older guys, like the guys who are like maybe your age and have been doing it for 30 years. I can't imagine having to do that. A lot of people can't imagine doing stand-up. And they do it. A lot of people can't imagine doing what you do editing. And they do it.

So to each his own. I mean, I applaud those guys at a 50 and doing it. Oh, yeah. You know, Terry's fucking father, worked on houses when he was 65. You know, 66 building the fucking houses. Carrying to... I worked with a guy in fucking Aspen that broke my rib.

He was 71. 71 carrying two by 12s and you know pieces of four by eight fucking sheet rock wow four by 12 fucking sheet rock and carrying up two flights of stairs it's so strong that's what keeps you 71 that's why he's living to be 71 because yeah sometimes your job and moving movement movement is everything in life movement you know 30 years ago people would retire at 65 and at 55 they'd start moving not anymore not anymore jack he living a different A couple of weeks ago, I went to Jiu-Jitsu seminar with a 70-year-old Danny DeSanto

who's Bruce Lee's brother. He was rolling out. Doing shit better than I was doing. That guy's going to live to 100. That's awesome. He's going to Jiu-Jitsu at 70. It just makes a... I was told him this kid manny the other day from John Jock-Machados. He says, you ask fucking Joe and Eddie

about Hilo, some Japanese guy that's 62. That's a fucking brown belt of John Jock. 62. They said he's completely white-haired, wrinkles. Go in there. Fuck with that guy. That guy will choke you.

Like a present. out because you learn your strengths you learn what you can do and what you can't do speaking of strengths on it uh this week man i had killer sets of fucking uh through jersey and one thing i was doing i was taking the on it before the fucking sets i was taking the on it that day just to experiment like i said i treat alpha brain in cycles like a like a steroid like i'm going back to right again so now i'm back on the alpha brain again and i got to tell you something man they just announced something for alpha brain you had to pay attention to joe and harbree they just announced something about an answer to alpha brain

and did some study on it and the shit fucking works man if you look in the fucking improve your mind I don't know I can sit here for hours and read for you from a sheet about how it helps you and how it doesn't listen go to on it dot com go to the alpha brain section read on it

take a chance with it buy one bottle it's got a money back guarantee it's got a money back guarantee if you don't like it they'll send you the fuck and you don't even have to send the pills back go to onit.com see what they got I usually work with alpha brain the hemp protein

bars, the hemp protein shake, and I also work with the fucking strong bone, and Shroom Tech I live by. I can't say nothing bad about Shroom Tech, because Shroom Tech has got me from point A to point B and working out. Is that the pre-workout one? Yeah.

Remember, you gave me something. Yeah, the fucking, with the hips, the mushrooms in them and all this shit. Even my kettlebell coach says, bro, that stuff is fucking amazing. Go to honor.com, go to joeydeers.net. Go to the fucking boxauner.com. Place your order.

See what they got. Read about it. If you like something they got, Go to the box. Get 10% off. Get on the mail list. Get other bargains. What's the code?

Church. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H. Go to the on it. And see what they got to offer. Try the fucking Al-Brand of the Shroom Tech. Give it a shot. I guarantee.

You'll notice a difference. Or you get your money back on the Al-Brander. That's number one. Number two. Dollar Shave Club. This weekend, again, the fucking shower. I can't say better things about Dollar Shave Club. I wish I want to put together a list of email tutorials,

what they call that shit, testimonials. I wish I knew how to put together I have over a hundred fucking email testimonials on dollar Shave Club really well that's awesome and after $6, $6,000 people are seeing it value unparallel it's fucking amazing Dollar Shave Club

they send you what you need to your house they got a dollar a $6 and a $9 why go down there and stand on line and fucking writing it or whatever fuck you do with these people I got to put up with a white guy with a fucking turbanon you know why fucking have rusty razors why no go to fucking dollar

shave club. Go to the box or go to joey deers. dot net. Go to the boxing press. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H. Get started. You either get $1, $6 a $9 package. It's a fixed fucking rate every month. You cannot fucking lose. You cannot fucking lose. And they also got the little asshole wipes.

They smell like peppment. One-Wipe Charlie's. They got the cocoa butter for your face. You get a clean, fucking shave. That's Dollar Shave Club. We don't fuck around here, right? If I got a sponsor, it's not really a sponsor. I use this fucking shit. Again, Hulu Plus. I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what the fuck to tell you anymore. You can binge on fucking TV

shows. You can watch everything. You know, for hours. Brooklyn 9-9. They got the chick that gets the good fucking horny chick on CBS. They got documentaries. They got so many shows that make your headspin. If you go to Huluplus.com, you're going to get one week for free and it's going to be 795. Here with the church of what's happening now, you get two weeks for free. I get you an extra fucking week. Who does that? Who sucks your dick before they give you a pussy for have pro? Who does that shit? Only Joey. does that shit. And Hulu Plus does it because they like us and they know I got a fucking

nice people and you people I don't want to fucking rob you guys. Go to Hulu Plus, all right. Give it a two week fucking trial. If you like it, $7.99 a month after that. That's fucking what? That's $90 a $10. Where are you going to get that? You go to the comedy store one night. You drop $90 fucking dollars. So there you go.

Two tickets and the drinks. It's $90 fucking parking. I'm giving you a year of entertainment. Hulu Plus. What do they go? They go to Joey Dears or they go to the box and what they press? Joey. Joey. J-O-E. So it's church for Omit. J-O-E-Y.

Whatever. Church for Hulu. Church for fucking Dollar Shave Club. And Joey, J-O-E-Y for fucking... Hulu Plus. What is it? Hulu Plus. And that's it.

What else you be... I'm here to turn you on for the best things. Again, my man, Joe Rogan, I got all these fucking people talking about flotation tanks, right? You go down there and float with other people. And then you go home, you start scratching. You get bulge. You got foot fungus.

You don't need that shit. Get a deprivation tank. put right in your fucking house. You want to float, you can float in your house. Go to fucking, what's these, escapodtank.com. That guy, Jeremy, is the nicest guy in the world. They got a 1-800 number. Go to the webpage, read about them, see what type of tanks they got. They got industrial tanks. They got residential tanks. They will come to your fucking house and install it, okay? Number one, what I'm hearing from people, it's a tremendous tank and you're going to save two to three Gs. That's what I'm trying to do for you people. I'm trying to save you

fucking Getus. I'm the type of guy that I won't sell you a kilo Coke for 16,000. I'll try to I get it through for 13-5, and I broke her, what, two points and maybe a couple lines. The type of motherfucker I am, you understand me? I'm doing the same thing for you with Escape Pod Tank. You want to float, you want to smoke dope, you want to see the devil and go in your tank naked, scratch. You can whack off on it. This is the way to fucking go. Go to EscapePod Tank.com right now.

See what they got to offer. They got an 800 number. Call Jeremy on the fucking phone. Go, Jeremy, break it down for me, bitch. Break it down for me, Jeremy, and he'll break it down for you. mention Joey Diaz, mention Lee Syatt, mention Steve Simone,

mention church. I don't give a fuck if you mention the Holy Eucharist. Get $250 fucking dollars off your next tank. All right. That's it. That's how we fucking do it here.

I'm saving your shit. You put up with the ear beating from Joey, but at the end you get a little fucking present. And guess what, people? If you live in Chicago, Milwaukee, Michigan, where the fuck you live, I'm gonna be in Chicago this weekend.

At Zanis, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday in Rose Meat. So why are you sitting there? Go to fucking Zanisie's, dot com go to fucking rosemead go to chicago i'm doing the 930 show Thursday and i got an 8 7 and 9 on Friday downtown

downtown bitches it's gonna be cracker lacin and after you got a hot beef sandwich and go shit blow on your own and then sadly i'm in rose me that's how we fucking do it where are you at this weekend my brother uh next weekend i'm in san jose with aari and then i'm at the cleveland improv

and then uh um headlining uh braille on march 18 march 18 that's next tuesday not i love it next Tuesday night at the Bray and Park. Listen, Steve Simone is, I've known Steve for a long time. I wouldn't have him here with me in the room if he wasn't a real deal. I love Steve. I love you too.

I think Steve is Philadelphia all the way. I love his comedy. You know, it's funny because I see Steve, and Steve is just like me. We think the world was a lot better place 20 years ago. When it was simple. Steve and I had the type of guys, if you gave us a fucking choice when we were 10 to stay 10, we were to stay 10.

So when you hear me talking stupidity, when you hear me talking stupidity, and all this shit and farting and sniffing my own farts. It's because I'm really fucking 10. I'm really 10.

You have a fucking, you have some bits that just crack me to fuck up because anybody, and I don't even have brothers and I watch some of your bits and I jump, you know,

the shit about the pillows and the wrestling and it's just amazing that nobody is really doing what you're doing in that. You know, you take this back. Everybody wants to be a kid again.

You make me laugh. You're such a silly bitch. You make me fucking laugh my ass off. And the whole Philly thing and you're one of the few guys I could say that I hang out with in this town as a real fucking man.

Half of these people are just fucking, what are they solilograms? What are they call them? Holograms. They're really a hologram of a man with a big pussy and a bleeding fucking asshole. And you are a man.

I'm sick and tired of dealing with kids and these guys that are older and they come and talk to you the wrong way. You're a fucking man. And I'm really starting to appreciate men again. I'm sick and tired of these non-men motherfuckers. That's what they are. They're holograms of men.

I want to have. out with men men people you look in their eyes and you talk to and you laugh and you giggle and you know where you're at these little fucking half of faggots that talk to you they don't mean shit when they talk to you that's the part of the store I didn't like yeah there was a guy there's a comic I saw there and when you were talking about the plane I thought about him and I won't mention which one but after he got off stage you know how there's a outside patio there's a there's 8,000 chairs there but him and like his posse were all

sitting on the on the wall with their feet on the table and I thought like that that doesn't seem nice and then they're all on their phones like giggling about something like each five people in a row were on their cell phones God forbid but I just like I felt like I felt like bad for like the people working there because like they were on the wall with their feet on the counter I'm like you don't put your feet like that's that's where people like put their drinks like you don't put your feet on the counter God forbid someone else to think that cool. And then when you smack those motherfuckers they're the ones that Dom 911 for Oh, the fake tough guys. You smack them real fucking hard. Like a Nick Diaz smack. What bitch?

They look at you like, what do I do? I'm calling 911. I'll sue. I'll sue. And I don't even show up with a Jew attorney. They're going to sue you with some fucking black guy named Justice. What the fuck out of here? I love those black attorneys.

I had one guy in there was a black attorney. His name was Sunny. Sunny Flowers. Get the fuck out of here. He was the first black attorney in Boulder. I don't give a fuck. trying to cut a deal, tried to sell my soul.

We were driving, and this woman almost backed into me, and I had to, like, go on the horn to get, and as soon as she, like, she just barely missed me, and I was, like, afterwards over,

I was like, I kind of wish she hit me. And I thought about you, I was like, the first thing, and the first thing I would have said is, oh, my neck. Oh, Rob Buh,

by a car, I got by a car, I got on the phone the next day. I go, you fucking retarded. He goes, no, no, no, no. She was old.

I don't give a fuck. Her money was new. She was old, green and brand new. Geico's been holding out of that motherfucker for years in a room filled with frogs and shit. He got hit by a car. I'll fall down. I wouldn't get back

up for fucking hours. I'm out there yelling. I hit a guy with a car one time when I was funny said. I had like $27 in my pocket. I was holding for the 20. I swear to God, it was holding on for the 20. I knew I was like this and I'm going, go, go, go, and he's like, you go, go. Finally I go and he gets in front of the thing. So I just tapped with the car and he falls. He's got a couple

a rock's on his leg and shit and people like call the police and I'm like get the fuck out of it call the police this guy's a bum and I'm holding on let me buy you a cup of coffee though I'm just trying to give him the $7 let me give you a cup of coffee it's gonna be alright I don't know I'm hearing things I gave him the 20 god damn I had to give my weed 20

my last 20 and shit and I left there you know you get hit by a car you got a sue you got a fall oh I missed it call the Jews get the Jews and it's hysterical when you call an attorney and you get like a white attorney call him and tell him you got hit by a car on the phone.

Just try. Call for the free quote. Call the white guy. See how he'll treat you. Oh, whoa. Come in in your own time. Watch how the Jew treat you.

Where are you right now? I'm here laying here in blood. We'll be there in three fucking minutes. With a camera, don't move. Don't move. We'll be right over there. They show up at the hospital with flowers, Jews in the time.

The best. They pat you on the back. We care about you. Write down the details. Write down the guy's name. We'll get you with the car. And what else? Did you hear anything?

Did you see any colors? I mean, Jews will get it out of you. So great. Do you see any pictures of Hitler? Why you were going down. Jews will get, you saw a picture, Hitler. Let's write that down. That's an extra 30 Gs right there.

Fucking love them. You got to get a Jew attorney. What's up, brother? Nothing. I'm trying to think. What are you thinking about? No, no, no. No, I'm just, I almost, on the Santa Monica exit of the 405,

you know when you're trying to, when you're getting on the off ramp and you look one way and then you look to the other way to see if a car's coming I didn't look back the other way and I almost if I had gone a little bit faster

I would have killed this guy Oh Jesus I looked one way and I looked that and I didn't look back and he like banged him and I was like thank God

and they kill him because that it's just sometimes you get lucky in that time sometimes you're like sometimes get lucky and you hit a guy with a car

is that you just say you don't you don't hit him. It was crazy. There was something up this weekend. There's a lot of accidents and cops out and sometimes you just get lucky, man.

Sometimes you just got to do what you got to do. Steve Simone, I'm happy you came in today. I was happy to see you and I'm happy you guys asked. Yeah, no, I wanted to add something different on Monday mornings. I wanted you, you're always a sunny and funny guy to have around. I just love hanging out. Monday mornings all about, man, in my book. Monday mornings when it all fucking starts, it sets the mood off

for the week. Whole week. It's like a date. When you pick up a date, things have to be done the beginning of the date just to clarify the date and it'll be a lot easier for you.

If not, it's going to be a horrible. It's anything. Same thing with the stand-up set. Right away, you feel that audience. You know, they're good people. They're there to laugh. You're like, okay, we're going to have fun. But if they're tight and they're angry,

and you can just feel it. Yeah, Monday mornings to me are very special. A lot of comics like working Sundays. I can't do it. Because I don't like flying Mondays. You know, I want to be in my bed. I want to wake up in my bed Monday with my head right around the people I love.

It's not about the money for me on a Sunday. A lot of clubs, if you stay Sunday, we'll pay this. It's not worth it to me, bro. I like my peace of mind. Peace of mind is the most important thing in life. Especially Monday, a man with your thoughts. You know, Jim Balvano said that there's three things a man has to do every day.

And that's laugh, work himself through emotions, and something else. Take time to think. You have to take time to think, bro. Mondays are about thinking, what do you really want? What don't you really like? You know, what don't you really want out of this fucking life? This is the choice you have.

I wish somebody told me this at 25. I wish somebody told me this at 22. I'd be a different human being. I'd be a different man. I'd be a lot better fucking better. You know, and that's what Mondays are for. Take your time. You know, when you go to a gym,

take that hour for yourself. Let yourself know what makes you happy and what doesn't make you happy. And it makes this life a lot fucking better, you know? Yeah. And that's it. That's it. That's fucking it, brother. That's it.

What's up at you, Lee? What are you? I don't have any other podcast today. If anyone's listening, we moved Jerry Rogers to Wednesday. But if you're itching for a podcast, Steve Simone's last one came out yesterday with the guy

who wrote Hollywood, Robin Hood, Men and Tights. Remember J.D. Shapiro from the comedy store? No, I don't. He was just starting to hang out there when you started to stop hang out there. There's a good guys from Jersey. He's working with Stan Lee on a project

right now. We just had some laughs. That's the whole podcast. Let's just talk about the good time. And he wrote Robin Hood Men in Tights. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the best move ever, just about hustle. He shows up from Jersey in L.A. trying to make something happen. Through his dentist, he gets a script to Mel Brooks. Through his dentist. And that was the script?

Yep, and it became Robin Hood Men in Tites. A day later, he's going in for a meeting. Mel reads it a week later they got a deal with on. that fast. It's a great fucking story. And that was a great fucking movie. Yeah, that's good.

He's the one that he, he fought for Chappelle. He had seen him do a little bit of stand-up, and he was like, now this is the guy. Obviously, they didn't want him. I think it was one of the first things Chappelle did. Yes, it was 94, 93.

Yep. That's a good movie. I really enjoyed that movie. That was, uh... Yeah, and already's been on it. Duncan's been on it. So it's called Good Times with Steve, That's a picture of your family.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Me and my brother's with Santa Claus. I'm telling you, man, you take a lot of people back to that. It's weird how you see people out here that have brothers and sisters and they don't really talk. That's sad. You know, every day or whatever. And you bring that family thing back, you know. The family concept is being lost in this country.

It's got to come back. And a lot of people didn't understand why I like, what's the stupid duck dynasty? Because at the end, they showed the meeting dinner. Yeah. and praying as a family. And I don't care what religion they are. That means nothing to me at all. What meant something to me that we sat together and we broke bread and we called as a family.

And that's the backbone of this country. That's why I like coming home also on Sundays because I want to eat dinner with my fucking family. You know? Why have a family if you're not going to eat dinner with them? Why, you know, I watched the inside comedy with dice clay and I said this ten times. And Kevin Neeland, he was on the plane yesterday also. He's so cool, Kevin Neal. He's a nice guy.

He's a nice guy. and Dice Clay said, you know, when he had all the problems, when Paramount paid him off and all that. Have you watched it on show? No. Great insight comedy. He talks about going, they called him from some gig at the Beverly Hills thing, and he went up there and opened up with, so I got my tongue up, some chick's ass,

oh, Carl Reiner, and invited him to the Beverly Hills Hilton. Oh, I remember hearing, I remember Dice telling me that story years ago. And they said that you couldn't curse, and he went up there, opened up with that. And the room was just fucking electrified. They took him like eight minutes to get there. He was all Jews, you know. So he talked about that after that. It was very disappointing for him, you know,

because they took away his movie deal and people were saying this about him. And he goes, you know, but in a way, I was happy because I had two boys. And it was time to be a father. I want to raise my boys. He goes, why make $100 million if you got two fucked up kids? Yep.

He goes, why make 100 movies if you got two fucked up kids? You accomplish nothing. You know, when I tell people why I don't work Sundays to look on their faces, a lot of people don't think I don't work Sundays because I'm a prima don't know because I know a lot of comics that blew their marriages because they were always out on the road, you know? And I didn't want to blow my marriage. It meant a lot to me. I fucked up my first marriage.

I didn't want to fuck up this girl. And I started that decision when I was dating. I started not working Sundays probably 2004 was when I said that. don't want to do this no one i don't want to work a sunday you know and i fought with i fought with i fought with rogan about it for years and finally he saw the light i think it's a scrub night to work for me you know that's how i feel about it i don't want to do it it's the it's the only thing that we have it's our only voices as a comic that i was happy with i don't want to sit in a hotel room all day on the sunday it's depressing for a 70 people that reluctantly went because anybody knows

like i told viny brand this week in jersey you know what are you gonna open up a club during football season in New Jersey. There's certain cities that nothing is going to get done on a Sunday night. New England. Yeah. New Jersey, you know, Texas. Philly shuts down. Miami, Philly shuts down.

Nobody wants to laugh. They've already done what they needed to do. Now they get ready for fucking Monday, you know? Yeah. And I have my issues with it. It was never because I was a prima don't, and I'm not even going back to the Catholic thing. I'm talking about Joey Diaz. I'm talking about what I really wanted.

For me, I really wanted to be home on Sunday to eat dinner with my wife. I thought it was fucking important to me to sit across from her. I don't care if it was a Subway sandwich. Right. I don't care if it's Mike's deli. I always said it doesn't matter what you're eating with. It's who you're eating with. 100%.

That's what meant to me. So do me a favor of people. Sundays is your fucking wife. I know that we all want to do this. And who gives a fuck? You think Tom Brady's worried about you? You think fucking the giants are worried about you? You think these people give a fuck about you.

You know, your family is the most important thing. Your friends, your brothers. And that's what we try to promote here at the church. It's fucking Sunday dinners. And that's it. That's the only reason why. It's not that fucking I think I'm better. I don't want to work Sundays.

I just don't. I want to be on a plane Sunday. I want to catch the wheat store before it opens. And I want to relax. And I said, what do you giggling about, cock sucker? I just love that you have this dog. I just don't. I just love to say your argument about it.

But no, it's, I don't think you've worked Sundays since I've known you. I don't want to. I don't want to do comedy on Sunday. I don't believe it. I don't want to. stay in a fucking foreign town. That last day is just what kills you. First flight out is the best way to

go. Out, out, six, out. Even if you're half fucking dead. Absolutely. Because you're out. Now I'm home. I'm going to blow a day of flying. I'm going to blow a day of flying. I could have flown Virgin Atlantic. American, I couldn't do it. I didn't want to wait in Jersey until one. That got me at 4 o'clock.

Yep. Didn't want to do it. American got me a straight flight at 6. A clock at night. They wanted me to wait. I can't do it. Right. I can't do it no more. Sunday I don't even think about it. I don't care if I don't get sleep. I didn't sleep sadly night.

I got back to the room at 2 o'clock. They pushed the clocks forward by an hour. My wake-up call, they were picking up at 4.30. That means 3-30. They picked me up. I didn't sleep. I didn't fucking sleep. I watched some MSNBC about Burden County Jail,

just to see if I knew anybody. Just to see if any leftover country. Did you? Danny Bionculo's brother. Remember Danny Bioncule? He was on the show? No, but he's in Burden County, jail. Okay. So I wanted to see if they showed them at the jail wave and to jump up and down with

black people or other white supremacists. I don't fucking know. So I watched it. The wake-up call, I went downstairs and I got in the fucking car and went to the airport. That's it. You know, I don't want to fly and waste my day. There's nothing when you waste your day for, you're not going to get nothing done in the city you're in. Yeah. Because you're leaving at three. Yeah. You're not going to get nothing done. You might eat breakfast with your mom or something, but in the back of your mind you're thinking. The whole time where you're sitting with mom thought, Yeah, you got, it's anxiety. It's anxiety. You're leaving it. Why am I doing this?

I should have left. This is a half a day here for nothing. I'm spending a half a day here. I'm going to get to LA. I'm going to get out of my car. I got to drive on the 405. With my luck, there'll be another hour. Yeah, absolutely. There was traffic yesterday on land.

I got on the HOV lane. I didn't give a fuck. I got that H-O-V line. Who's going to give you a ticket on the Lord's Day? I just shot up that once he's fucking Protestant. I just shot up the fucking H-O-V lane that sunset hill until I got the whatever and I got on there. I don't have, you know, no, no, man. There's ways that, you know, people who, that extra day is my money because I'm not home.

So every hour I stay out is my money. Yeah. So the more I, the closer I come home, the more money I make. Do you follow my Jew fucking mind? Yeah. So if you're giving me $1,200, I got to stay from Tuesday to Monday afternoon. I get back into town on Monday of 4 because I wanted to sleep late Monday morning. Right.

That money covered that. That means that what my money is. You're saying, no, Joey, that's in my fucking Jew mind. Yeah. How much you got in the bank? Maybe you check the bank account? Not today. It hasn't opened yet.

It hasn't opened on the lease code. The fucking web page, Bank of America. You got to check your bank account three times a day. Always don't on the phone. That's if you're Catholic. I'm talking about you're Jewish. I'm on there 15 minutes. Some mornings I feel like a Jew, you know, some mornings you wake up, sometimes you feel like a nut.

Sometimes you don't. I mean, Joe's got nuts. Some mornings I wake up, I'm a stone cold Jew. I'm on that Bank of America fucking web page eight times an hour to make sure I get my interest for the day. A penny of two. But the only, I never carry cash. The only thing I actually have a little bit of cash, but the only thing I really have in my wallet right now

is Paula's mom gave me two Mexican voodoo, two little marbles. And she said, keep this in your wallet. It's good for money. Always. And it's the only thing I have, I have like two marbles in my wallet right now. Spanish people in their hands itch?

Somebody's getting paid. You rub your hands and you put your money in your pockets or shit. That gives you the Getus is coming. Once your hand itches? Yeah. Put your hand in your pocket Right now. You put that hand in your pocket. That's fucking dinetto. That's fucking

the cash. Speaking of Spanish, do you know what the worst fart I've had in a while it was? What? Sevechey farts. Oh, that fucking vinegar with that seafood. That's like a douche bag for your stomach. It was good Oh, that shit's good. Nothing like I fought on the plane yesterday. That chick would

The poor little girl next year. Yeah, I had to. But you could burn my own body. You know what I'm on the plane, yeah. Yeah, you're on a plane, so. And the heat comes from your legs we can blame on anybody so what music you have for me today to close this motherfucker off with today I got some monthly crew for you all right late listen people I love you guys I'm happy you uh tuned into the church of what's happened now on Ustream thank you very much for all love and support you give us like I said this weekend I'm in

Chicago my brother Steve Simone is for this weekend I'm going to go visit family then I'm back at Brea on Tuesday the 18 Tuesday the 18th Tuesday the 18th at Brea what's Braia's phone number 949 anybody know it off the top of the head give me two seconds get those tickets today Bray, you're going to have a good time. March 18th. Who's on the show with you? You know what? I'm looking to bring some heat.

The last time I brought Alfred Robles and Cort McCown, I got my flyer. I was going to have a buddy named Steve Mazon that I did Comics on Duty with. He had to back out. So now I always try to bring other headliners with me. I love to go down in with you, but I got the thing with Doug hot, getting eye with Doug at the

whatever theater. Yeah, of course. I usually always bring Augustina when I can to get him to emcee or something and then try to get another. He's off Tuesday night. Yeah, exactly. So he's good Tuesday night. Agastino's a good guy.

Bray is 714-482-0-700. All right, 7-14-482-0-700. Call Bray Improv. Get your tickets right now for Steve Simone, Tuesday, March 18th. You're going to have a great time. It's like going to fucking, it's like going to, what's the Italian restaurant?

Which one? Olive Garden. When you're there, you're family. You know what I'm saying? Always a big thanks to my brother, Lisa. at the flying Jew, one of the best Jews God put on the fucking plan. I don't even know if God made him. I think the Jew Frankenstein God made him.

And some shit put my main man together as badass fucking Jew. I'm just hoping you get healthy and you're going to be a bad. Lee, you're 25. Do you understand? I was getting to a point before. I talked to a friend of mine. He was telling me that he worked. I mean, this kid was a genius growing up.

And he goes, what do you do for a living? He goes, I run a roof and come. I go, how do you run a roof? When did you become a roofer? He goes, all those summers that I worked, going to MIT, I roofed. Wow. And he goes, when I lost my engineering job, he goes, the firm moved to China or whatever the fuck they moved to.

He goes, I was left in a fucking bag. And he goes, I always talked to the owner. He goes, he became one of my tithous friends. And I always give him advice. And he goes, even on some Saturdays, when I have nothing to do, I go back to the roof and I roof. That's so East Coast. So he goes, I created a position in this company that they never had before. And he goes, I'm doing better than ever.

That's great. He goes, so I have this position now where I sell, I estimate, and I run the jobs. It's like, I forget what the position he called himself. And he goes, and from time to time, I get on the fucking roof. That's great. And he goes, I'm making six figures a year. He goes, it's a huge roofing company. So I was thinking about Lee.

I'm like, you know, I see, Lee likes comedy. Lee does podcast. He's grown. He's grown as a human being. He sees about comedy. He sees the ins and out. You know, I don't blow smoke up his ass. I show him behind the curtains.

And I prove it to him. Nice show him. I go, did you see that? Yeah. Okay. Now you know, when Lee's 305, Lee's going to manage people. Leasler people on the top comedy management of this country,

like the way they talk about Dave Becky and fucking Joe Rogan's manager. Lee's going to have that. You're going to have that. You're going to have that knowledge. You saw. You sat here. You know, people run to Dan and Asanto because he hung out with Bruce Lee. Yeah.

What was he doing? Tell us his secrets. What do you know? I'm not saying I'm Bruce Lee, but you're running with a variety of comics. You're not just running with Bruce Lee. You're running with Steve Simone. You're running with Diagostino. You talk to Ari.

You see all these people, you know. So after a while, you're going to go, well, why not, after a while, you're going to see a comic making a mistake. And then you're going to play a scientific trick on yourself. You're going to read, this is what I do. I read something, variety, and you go, that's a mistake. And you see it's a mistake.

Now you start getting confidence in your choices. Yeah. You'll start to see it. You know, you already know. they hired this guy for this, that's not going to work out. Not that you're a hater, you start learning about the crime. And all of a sudden you're going to say, fuck it, I'm not doing this no more.

And you're going to start maddening. Something's going to happen with you, where somebody's going to come to you and go, since you were 23, you weren't working with comedians, bro. If you don't know, the girl that's super artist, Desiree. She's 18. She grew up in the comedy game. When she's 25, she's going to run shit in this town. So that's the opportunities

that sometimes, yeah, me too. Hey, Monday, March 10th, it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. Go in there and get your lunch money. Somebody's got your fucking money in their fucking pocket. Somebody's got your lunch money in their fucking pocket. Go out and get it. I love you guys. Steve, who's better than you, motherfucker? I love you. March 18th, Brian. Find you.

Get it together, cucksucker. Go to Leesciet.com. All the other podcasts I do, Steve's and everybody else's. And that's it. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for Dollar Shaped for your free trial of Dollar Shoe of Hulu plus.com. Huluplus lets you binge on thousands of fit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone,

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Joey Diaz. Well, you wish for it. Oh, yeah.