The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #159 | LEE SYATT | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: May 2, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT..... It's Monday, May 2nd.... Today, LEE SYATT, stopped over for a visit! This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by Manscaped & CBD Lion.…. Go to https://www.BlueChew.com Promo Code: JOEY & Try For Free! Just $5 for Shipping! Get a 4 week trial plus free postage and a digital scale by using promo code JOEY at https://Stamps.com Support the show and get 25% off at https://Liquid-IV.com by using code JOEY at checkout. Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #LeeSyatt The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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Click on the microphone at the top of the page and enter code Joey. That's Stamps.com code Joey. Time to get this party started. It's a Monday morning. We got a guest this morning in house. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? Welcome to the joint It's another fun-filled week

And another fun-filled fucking month It's made a motherfucking second We got a whole new set of rules And a whole new set of fucking I don't know what Anyway We got my main man here Lee Syattie came in

For my daughter's First Communion First Communion Fucking tremendous I had him in the church The first Jew ever to walk in a fucking church In Madawan, New Jersey Fucking tremendous

And you walked in and you got the holy water And I was like, I don't think I'm supposed to touch that No, I threw something on your jacket Look at the back of your jacket It's like a burn mark back there Like when they threw the fucking holy water At the Exorcist But it was great

You know It was great It's really crazy how you see your kids Like you see anybody Your nephews And you see them And it's okay You can't really tell what's going on

Take a picture of them And then look at the picture And you're like What the fuck? So my day started you know, Saturday morning. Lee was already here. We do an edible Friday night?

A little bit, the Delta 8. A mini one. Yeah, we did like a mini one for the Walmart. And I'll say this. I don't know what you did before I got here. You might have done a full edible. Oh, no, I did. Do you one?

I probably did, I probably did 1,400 milligrams that night. And then my wife came down with 15 milligrams. And I said, fuck it. What's the difference at this point? 15, 2,000. What's the difference? So I popped that.

And dog, I slept like a baby. I slept like a baby both nights. Saturday night I threw down 1,600 milligrams. No, no, no. I ate 7. And then, like, I wasn't feeling it. I wasn't feeling 1,400 milligrams of ABX. So I took three more.

No, you didn't. When? Did you really? I put them in my hand. Oh. And I went. I took. lead to my buddy's house.

And the motherfucker had pizzas, but he took out some bagels from Staten Island. Drop it on him, wait. You've seen Jersey bagels. Wait till you see Staten Island. Oh my God. And there were kinds I never even heard her before. I think it was like an egg,

everything bagelielly you had or something. Oh my God. I didn't even know they made that. Jesus. And the thing is, so we were, it was, I don't know about you. I was fucked up.

I'll say that. I was already, like I was giggling and shit. You know, like the 14. 1400 was hitting me, but it wasn't taking me toward the promised land. So when I got over the steves, I said, fuck it. And I went in my pocket, and I had three of them in my pocket.

And I took the slice of pizza, and I didn't even eat him with water. I took the slice of pizza, and I was talking to Lee, and I just went, whoop. And I dropped, and then I went in my hand in my pocket. And two minutes later, I realized what I had done? And I said to Lee, I'm going to die. And he goes, what happened? And I went on my pocket, and it was one out of three. So that means I ate two.

So I ended up eating nine last night, 1,800 milligrams. Now, we got back. Oh, then we got back, and we fucking steam clean the freeze pipe. Steam cleaned it, boiled it, the whole thing. It's clogged. I just really want no problems. You know what I'm saying? Like, you just want to.

When you have people over, you want it to be. He's a good host, I'm a good host. I mean, I steamed that motherfucker. I took the freeze pipe out. I steamed it in hot water. It was liquidy in there. That's how fucking... And I re-froze it from scratch.

And I put in some maven. I mean, I love my laughing gas. But when it comes to the ice cream shop, they got great weed across the board. I had a little piece of maven. And I put it in there, cherry something, 35%. I made three bonhits for each of us, but I put a keith layer,

like that jello from the 80s that used to have, like, you put in the refrigerator on a slant. So it gets slanted, then you filled it with whipped cream and people go, oh my God, you were genius. No, you just put the glass on the slant, you fucking asshole, and it goes to the side. What the fuck was wrong with you?

You know what I'm saying? So we fucking, uh, we did that. We did three of them. And Lee was fucked up. It took me to a different place, but my brother, George, he took a big hit, and I cleaned out the thing, and he went, by mistake, and you could see his eyes.

It was like, I stabbed him in the stomach. You could see his eyes. Like the panic. It was like training day when the guy shot him with a shotgun and sitting in the chair. I had to go breathe. Breathe. Because I learned before the church even started, I went to his house. He had an office way before Mercy was even born.

He had this little mini-bong. And he would put ice cubes in it. And it was like first, like, yeah, like we had met. And then like a month later, because we were talking about social media yesterday. The one of the first time I ever went to your house You brought me to your office And I had I taught you how to put a picture up on Twitter on the computer Not even the phone

And you call me an unadulterated genius Because you had no idea how to even put a picture up And you had this little bong I know And he had this little bong And we take a little hits And like I was brand new I barely ever smoked before

But I got a little cocky With his weed And then one day you put hash in it And covered it up and I took a big weed hit. I turned as red as that, right on that thing right there. His wife thought I was going to have to go to the hospital.

They brought me to barbecue or fried chicken. I was still coughing. I coughed. That's how I started getting bronchitis. Because I coughed so much off of that one hit. And that was George sat down for like 20 minutes. He was coughing. He didn't know where he was.

He was trying to cover it up. He didn't know where he was. And then he left. Right? And I'm like, let's get out of here. And finally I go, I look at the bar and I'm like, I see this big phone at the bar

And I go, that's George's fucking phone I go, this motherfucker forgot I can't even call. You know, you can't have women who send smoke signals So finally, we're doing something I go, let's get the fuck out of here Because I don't know if he's gonna come I look at the phone

And I hit banging on the back door I go, that's George He's like, man, I didn't even know So this morning I called him I go, how was it? He's like, man, all I know is I'm happy Your wife gave me them meatballs because when I got home,

we gave him 25 milligram ABX. The sleepy ones? No, he only had a 25. No, he only had 25. But the 25 sleepy ABX is a little fucking deceiving. It's deceiver. The 25 is a little

deceiving. It takes his time. And you're like, oh, I beat this. I'm fine. Joey don't know what he's talking about. You know what I'm saying? Then you settle. Like, once you, you know, when you get kicked in the legs on MMA, it's so you don't settle. Okay? Once you settle, you're like, wow, this took me

to the promise. So he said when he got home, he was fine, he changed into his pajamas, and he goes after he sat down, the room started spinning, it started turning purple in there, he started hearing people speaking Spanish, and he goes, that guy, your wife gave me those meatballs, because I ate two of them, and it took him down, and then he goes,

I'll never smoke out of that fucking freeze pipe again, which is, that's a tremendous... It's not the 30% fucking... Well, people always... People always want to blame the least fucking evidence. You know, a guy jumps out of a window with a fucking towel on, and they go through his house. He smoked pot.

Well, let's blame the reefer. Let's blame the guy. He was fucking retarded before he jumped out the window. The fucking reef had just helped him a little bit to get the fucking air behind him to fucking. That's it. But don't blame the reefer, cocksucker. You know, don't blame the freeze pipe. Blame your fucking mental weakness for fucking.

get in that eye. That's why I tell you, you always got to prepare for war. What if the Iranians kidnap you and that's the torture? Yeah, but in this case, you're the Iranians. You're the one putting the hash

in the weed in the company. I'm getting you ready for the fucking, you know, for the great fucking. When the Russians come and they make you smoke a bomb and they're going to be ready. They're going to sit you down and bitch slap you with their dicks

and make you dig the drink vodka. I will not be prepared. You know what I'm saying? I will be sucking Russian dick because I don't drink vodka. But if they rip out that bong, I'm winning that fucking race. You understand me?

And I'm walking out of there laughing at all you motherfuckers coughing. I'm going to die. You're going to die. You're on the next flight to Ukraine. You know what I'm saying? Fuck you. Fuck you. I ain't going out like that.

So you got to get ready for training today. What if the Arabs come and they give you edibles? I'm 17 in. I'm looking at them with the 17 in. They start looking back at me going, that's how I. That's how I. That's how I. That's how I.

This fucking didn't kill him. I'll walk out of there floating. fucking with hummus sandals on, you know what I'm saying? You'll be fucked up if they break out the hummus. What if they break out edible hummus? What your birthday video? That was the last time I had hummus.

Terrible. Terrible. I tried that's how you years ago. It's a waste of time. It's how they fucking wind you in. That's how they end drop to nature. The next thing you know, you're fucking walking around with your hands up and shit.

You know what I'm saying? It's like going to the 7-11 in North Hollywood by Laurel Canyon. Every time you're running there, those fucking attendants will give you those fucking Islam eyes, like between 15 minutes, you'd be getting out of there looking for a pipe bomb and shit. If you're going on a target tonight, you're taking it out the fucking...

The pressure cooking department. It's the truth, bro. He'll tell you about North Hollywood. That was a joke amongst us, but it wasn't a fucking joke. And it became not a joke when they actually killed the owner. Then people started hitting me up going, Joey, you're on to something. How did you know? Go in there.

They don't like Americans in there. You know, when you buy a car, And then you suddenly start seeing that car everywhere. Yeah. Or you start to look. That was it. You told us, you're like, go in there. You're like, they play the music.

And then you couldn't, I couldn't not see it. You'd go in, I don't know what radio station they were playing, but it wasn't, it wasn't 80s on 8. It was to provoke you. Because all the other 7-Elevens had those same fucking dudes in them. And they listened to like the 70s on 8. You know what I'm saying? Like, you know, sunshine on my shoulder.

You walk into the fucking Laurel Canyon window. You could tell. And I used to go in there at night to. get like the vapor pens after the podcast. Right. They weren't nice people at night. And the shit that hung out in front of there, it wasn't nice.

Well, I was just going to say the problem was they had a 24-hour laundromat. And if you're doing laundry at 3. I've done that at L.A. a couple times. The first time I ever did laundry at like 3 in the morning that Ralph's on, Kwang, like it used to be 24 hours where they had the cans delivered. Like that used to be up in 20 years. I walked in there and someone got hidden the head with a liquor bottle.

L.A. late at night is a scary. place. And what about now? Oh, now I wouldn't... I couldn't imagine even going... I hear all the drama is by what we used to live anyway. All that drama is on that block. Magnolia, they shot a guy outside that fucking diner.

I would have light lift that diner on fire. That's the worst food in the fucking country. Nice people, though. It's crazy when you fucking look back. That's a scary neighbor that night. That's a very scary neighbor night, and it's getting scary. Well, we were talking about it yesterday, and it's like, L.A. just attracts people with issues because they, they, people think they're going to go there and, and turn into something and mix that with drugs and mix that with running out of money. It's a scary, like, even that diner, I go, people would ask me for, like, to use phones if I ever hung out. Like, sometimes you'd go hang out there and I'd be outside.

Yeah, just a ride. I used to, because they used to let you smoke out in the balcony. outside. They used to let us smoke. So there was nobody in there. I was telling somebody, like, towards the end, like, I would meet people there, but I always noticed that every time I went home, I had fucking flaming-ass diarrhea.

No matter what I ate. Cheeseburger Deluxe, flaming-ass diarrhea. All right. We switch it to chicken noodle soup. Fucking more diarrhea. Okay. Bacon and eggs, fucking diarrhea. And then I started going in there and going,

you know what? Let me just get a milk shit. That's milk and ice cream. Fucking diarrhea. So I'm like, that's it. everything in there gives your fucking diarrhea. We can't go in there no more. It was that bad, Mike, it was that fucking bad.

And you tried. They got you, the breakfast wasn't bad, but the bacon sucked. It was ox meat or some shit, rabbit meat or something. The coffee shop had the best bacon around. Yeah, I missed it. That fucking breakfast was, I would bring it here, and it would hold its own.

The bacon and the Mexican potatoes and the 1,000 grain fucking toast with butter in the morning, they did a good job. job in Marie T. If I miss any place, I miss that place a lot. And George Elias always calls me. He's like, I just drove by there, salami always hits me up. I just drove by there. You don't have a place around here that you go get coffee and chill out? Nothing. There's a Starbucks, but there's a smoothie king that you could drink a smoothie and sit there. They have tables.

Panera bread. Huh? Panera bread. I just don't know what Panera bread is around here. I miss that. I need to find the place where you could wake up in the morning and go ride a little bit, a couple jokes outside your house. Like it's good for you. Just to look outside the window. It's a change of fucking scenery. If you read the art of the one by the guy that wrote The Exorcist and all the, not the

exorcist, he wrote like Carrie, Stephen Spielberg, his, Stephen King, his book is about like how he sits. Yeah, I'm writing it. It's how he sits and how he faces a certain wall. He only listens to ACDC,

which is rare, because I can't even listen to music when I fucking try to write anything. If not, you're trying to write a joke next to you know, you're singing the lyrics, and you're like, that ain't the lyrics I want it, cuck, suck. I'm trying to write a joke here. But it's really, I don't have that here. But that's okay, you know, for now, like I'm looking forward to the pool to open because there's places there.

You can sit outside, and it's shady, and they got great fucking sandwiches there. I can't tell you, I'm an old man, and I'm looking forward to the pool more than when I was a kid. I got so much. I had such a good time. It was the first time in a long time I just relaxed. It's like when people say to you want to go fishing and you're like, the fuck am I going to do fishing? You know, fishing isn't about catching fish.

It's just about sitting there and breathing and getting vitamin D and talking to your grandpa about, you know, when he went to World War II and fought the Nazis. You know, it's just stupid shit. And at the end of it, you kind of feel good. It's like a therapy session, you know? And you're getting better at it? Because I thought about you when I was in Florida.

Because I sat down on the beach and I had a hard time for like the first hour Because I thought about you being like, what am I supposed to do now? And it took me a little bit to like relax a little bit because I was just sitting there with doing nothing And I thought of you, but you like you I could see you having fun with a coffee shop But like the my favorite part about yesterday was like the party was great the food was great But then when like you just we just started like relaxing like your neighbors came over You have a good setup down here you have a good group of people And you know what?

It's funny how like things, they just really worked out like your house. It's in a perfect location. You have like a cool backyard. It's not too big. Like it's not like you're going to have to worry about it. No, no, because I'm worthless. I can't mow along.

I would chop my fucking foot off. I'm like Pat Riley on that show when he tried to fucking crimmed the trees on his roof and he cut himself on the foot. Right. That's me. So I knew that I couldn't get like people like want to get a, there weren't no fixer up in this neighborhood. This wasn't a neighborhood fixer-upper.

So I was happy about that. You know, I think about the future, and I'm like, who's going to paint these walls? You know, upstairs, you've got to use a ladder to paint those windowsills and shit. I mean, listen, I can paint. I can mow grass. You know, I know how to paint,

but I know how to paint right. Like, I like fucking putting the tape. I don't like runs in the wall. I'll take all the caps off the receptacles or everything. I'll do all that shit. But it's also like you're just like it just was smart how like the backyard's great to like relax in. But then like I was looking at houses in Florida mansions almost a million dollars. Like you could have this house and like be retired.

And I don't know what your payments are. But like you didn't go overboard. Like this is like a comfortable house. She showed me 30 houses. And I looked at a house that first of all, it's me and my wife and my daughter. my wife isn't 40 and we're not going to get a cleaning person to help us. You know, so I said,

forget about the big house. Like, I'm not here for the Joneses. Right. I just wanted a comfortable house from my daughter and my wife that we would like. I looked at a bunch of houses. Some of them were 800,000. Some of them were 850 and I'm like,

we don't need that room. No. What am I going to do Airbnb? What are I going to do with three years? You know, six bedroom house. You know, I could see a four bedroom house, three of us. You know, in an office.

And maybe her office or a playroom or something like that, I'm not a handy guy, so I knew I couldn't get something that needed work. That's just not going to happen. I'm going to go broke. I'm going to go broke. You know, so I took all those things into consideration. I didn't know how long we were going to stay here,

but by the looks of things, if you have a child in this world right now, then I'm never going to be able to get a house. No. So when you look at a house now, you better look at that house and go, I'm looking at 30 years from now. How's this house going to look?

How's this neighborhood going to look? What we need to do, you know, because she's never going to be able to buy a house. There's no... Listen, nobody... And you really think about it, unless you're just a perfect child. And you go to high school and college,

and you come out and you marry a high school sweetheart, and all those summers, instead of going to concerts, you fucking worked at PNC and made money, and then... And you put away, you know, how many fucking 25-year-olds could honestly say they got all their college tuition paid, whatever you call it, loans? Yeah. They got all their bills paid and they got $100,000 to put down in a house, you know, $50,000 and furniture.

25-year-olds almost none, like even like my age. Okay, so what are we talking about here? How many 25-year-olds are actually eligible for a house right now? If we narrow it down, come up with a specific number of American in the United States and go how many 25-year-olds could seriously right now today buy a house with good credit, no bills, no college tuition, and 50,000, or 100,000, or 100,000, let's say I tell you, 25,000 is for furniture and, you know, a barbecue and for outdoor furniture and whatever, 75,000 is your down payment. So 10% of your down payment is what they want. It could be as low as three. It could go as up as high as 20. Okay.

So if you're putting down 10%, and it's 75,000, that's a $750,000 house. Right. And now you're left with, you know, $675,000 in debt plus interest, plus depreciation, plus your kids are coming. You actually got married,

so you're going to have a, fucking kid. Yeah. So what other chances? Unless you're fucking perfect. Okay, and then your parents have to leave you money. We all needed a bump. In our lives, as a child, we all need a bump.

Is it? For some of us, it's, we're fucking retarded. We need 20,000. But for some of us, just 1,500 to get us a roommate situation with a friend, and we could start rock and rolling from there. A bed, a TV, a microwave. Good luck, good good, and put you through college. You're on your own now, Cox Sucker.

How many 30 years? year olds can I actually say have enough money to put down in a house and all their bills are paid and now let's narrow that down joe you're being a little hard okay 30 your loans are paid and you have $200,000 for down payment and furniture but your bills you owe outrageous amounts on your credit card which a 28 year old does okay I don't know what you know unless your parents just you know like because it's even 30s young because when when you think about it I was supposed to be I signed on to pay my student loans for 15 years after I graduated so that would and so that would have been I should have been paying them off until like 36 37 and I with COVID saved me because they stopped charging interest so I paid them off but you're going to have most people going to have student loans until they're almost 40 and that's like that's if they're being lucky. and yeah, like you can save shit But then

I was gonna ask you like As someone who went through hard times If you're trying Do things usually just kind of work out In some sense do you think It might not be like the biggest house But do you think Stuff will work out eventually

If you like it might not be when you want it At the age of 45 Even after I overhauled my life And got clean on cocaine and I was on my way. I was still three, four, five years away

from getting debt free. I never thought I saw the end of that because I had an outstanding child support. And it was revolving. It was like an American Express card. So even though I'd pay the 635, when I got the bill,

there was $20 high every fucking week. So I never knew. I was like, this is never going to end. And when you think about it, It makes you want to jump out of the window. When you think about your bills and how you're going to get them situated, it makes you want to jump out a fucking window. Okay?

That's the truth. That's at any age. I know I felt like shit. And that's why I took paying bills so important. You got to pay your bills. Yeah. You got to pay your bills because that shit will follow you. I've seen it.

As a car sales, I saw kids come in when they were 30 and go, I'm going to buy a car. And guess what? They had perfect credit. but when they were in a sorority or fraternity, they didn't pay their water bill for a year. You can't sell you a car. That just jocped up your fucking interest payment, you know, to nine instead of four.

You know what I'm saying? Like something like that. So, you know, these are all these things that you come in with. So I never fucking saw the end of this. I sold the show and they gave me a lump sum of money and that took care of someone. shit you know over the years when you when like the Joey Karate videos I got a deal so

whenever I got a deal I would take a certain amount and just pay a lump chunk and I would send it and go why am I sending that like I'm never gonna get ahead just because I paid them off I got 80 other people at my door you know when you get divorced and you get separated and you got to spend 150,000 attorney bills I didn't see the end of that that that's a what for me it's the worst when stuff, like it never stopped. It's always going to be a bill. Like you finally start getting ahead.

And then you blow out a tire. Like that's, yeah, that's life. That's life, guys. And that's the worst because when you blow out that, every time you blow out that tire, that pushes you one step circle to jumping off that bridge. And it takes a lot of fucking, like, I don't know, like, I'll tell you what happened, guys.

Like, I went, I got, I was okay. Even when I went to prison, guys, I was okay financially. wasn't secure, I had a couple thousand in the bank and that's what you want to hear. You know, 2,000, 3,000. That's a lot better. After that, you've got to assume, you got to tell you the truth from 92 to maybe 2004. There wasn't even a bank account. That's crazy.

Okay? There wasn't even a bank account. You were a comic. You're a fucking rogue. I was a rogue. You know, I didn't know what tomorrow was going to bring. All I knew was I was getting $125 tonight. And I had to pay child support.

And I knew I want to fuck the bartender, so I got to have a gram of Coke to do that. Yeah, that's it. That's where your mind goes, guys. And then you, I don't know. But I never saw myself getting out of debt. But I did. Every time I got something, I paid something. You got to remember, I owed a hundred grand easy on attorney bills.

Fuck. And the divorce. That's easy. And I paid every dime, guys. You look at my credit. Every dime I paid. To the T. And I didn't have to.

To the T. I just, it was something that if I was going to be a piece of shit in my life, at least I was going to have a good name for paying my bills. That's the least you could do, Joe. Just because one part of your life is shitty, at least what other part of your life could be decent, and that's why I paid my bills. But since we're on the subject,

when I left Boulder, Colorado, June 29th, 1995, honestly, I was looking at a quarter of a melon debt. And that's, if you look at everything, cocaine debt, you know, the 20-year-old at the gas station, the $50 tab at the Chinese place, you know, when you look at that. Quarter of a million. All my attorney bills, I took all those credit cards and wore them out. That's what you do when you get divorced. What are you going to do? Once you can't pay those bills, you might as well keep buying shit until they, until you go to that place and they're like, decline, call the day.

And that's when you know. Time to use the next. one you put that in the back burner you're going back to the safe to get the other three that are in there you know and I kept doing that I got into comedy you don't want to work it's not a hip thing to work you want to get together with your comic buddies in the afternoon smoke dope and write stupid jokes but when I got the Taco Bell commercial that's the first time I sat down and add up exactly at that point in August of 98th In August of 98, the bill between us went from 250 to 150 because those are like the ones I didn't really have to pay, like that $13,000 drug dealer.

Yeah, those don't go on your credit report. No, the one Discover card that said we already sent you to whatever. Like, have you called me and you said we had a problem? And I go, what's the minimum payment? Send me 38. I would send you to 38. But if you called me back and you said you sent me to collection, I'd rip it up. You go fuck your mother now.

Now you're not getting... So that's another one down. So I tried to do good with these people. Then I was going to join that service that you go through and they pay your bills off. They'll say you need $2,800 a month. They get money. Their consolidation, I tried that, and I failed at that.

And I was like, I'm just hiding. So a friend of mine just goes, just drop off the radar and just pay cash. Just drop off the radar. And eight years, your credit will come back. And sure enough. But I did pay off the attorneys. I did pay

Like I had two attorneys I owed money to I did pay off my child support And then the kicker was At the end Because when you snort and coke Like it's great Because you'll pay everything

Oh I owe Mike 20 here I don't know what I'm gonna need that 20 back You know what I pay everything back But once you stop snoring coke I had a percent $636 a month For six years Damn

That was a heavy fucking loan guys that was heavy 636 335 for child support 700 for rent I still remember and I used to look at that number every month ago how am I gonna fucking do it I'm getting $15 sets yeah you're getting $15 a set in LA but man you just put your head down and then after I'd stop doing the coke then I was taking care of the big chunks the longest you're hard in 2004 I was snorting big coke you know that's That's what I was doing 60% of my money, but the other money, every week I would have a list of who Terry was going to pay,

you know, a thousand to this attorney. And I can't tell how many people said to me, like, there was two guys that said to me, hey, man, don't send me any more money. We're good. You did a great job. Nobody sends you money 10 years later. They're like, you stuck to your word, thank you. But I would have never got out of my holes without the Joy Karate deal,

the Fox deal, you know, like those big, because that's what you need. You need a $250 a, listen, a $600 a week job is only going to get you out of a little bit of debt. 150 a week maybe. 600 cash a week is $2,400. Between rent, food, restaurant, your gym, your jiu-jitsu, I'm sure you could squander it down to maybe 1,800. And then you've got 600 to either put away or pay bills with it. So I could put away $3,600 a year, and I could also pay off $3,600 a year in bills,

but that means I'm not charging nothing. I'm not paying for boots. You know, I'm not getting a flat. I'm not getting hit. None of those things. And I got to pay for that. You know, I still remember, you know, having two flats on my car.

Because one flat, we could always put two credit cards together. Try the visa, discover, and call, grandmother on your 30, you know, when you get two flats in one day because you ran over a bottle, that's 600 on a car. Unless you go to the Mexicans on Silver Lake and you get them to give you like two different tires, I did that for all you motherfuckers that. If you use a smaller tire in the line, tell that to the fucking Marines, because I did it for years. And you know that 300 mile tire when you get a flat?

The donut? Yeah. What's the name of that, don't they? Is they called the donut? Yeah, they're called donut, but they give it another name, too, like a 2,000. Yeah, but no, another name. They have a mileage rating for it. Oh, okay.

Like, it's a $500, 500 miles spare. Tell that time, Joe. That's for two years. No, I did it for two years. The car was driving. I would go downhill and shit. And I'm on a fucking angle because I got a bicycle tire. I use that tire.

You know, when you're broke, you figure out all this shit that are lies. Like, you know, like people say, well, an iPhone only works for a little while. You know, after a while, the thing switches, and you have to bring. it back in. Bitch, you get a struggling comic, he'll fix that iPhone. You'll see that iPhone

with a string and a can to it. None of the apps will work. No, no the apps will work. Because we'll make it work. Dog, I remember driving a call all over the country

that had a fucking hole in the radiator. I drove around with those things, with the pellets that you throw in and it glues it up. Oh.

The guy's like, you can only do it twice and then you'll need a new radiator. Uh, I did like 80 times, bits, and that radiator finally just blew up one day.

I was driving that motherfucker was on fires I was driving. You have no idea. You have no idea the fucking rules I broke that people said you could never do all that. You'll never make it to Colorado on that tire. Watch me, dog. Wasn't that the car that the exhausts would go into the car

when you were driving? Yes, towards the end. And then the fucking dog. That car, I paid $600, $800 for that car. That car probably put, you know, and at $100 a show, you know, probably put $10,000 in my pocket that car. That car, that car, I hit a car one night.

Dog, I was headed to the Seattle comedy competition in the semifinals, and there's a guy in front of me. I don't know how this happened. I'm behind them. Now, there's a light drizzle in Seattle. It's always a light drizzle, and I'm late for the contest. I got to be there by a quarter of a day, I'm late for the fucking contest.

I'm doing like 90, and also I hit that ramp, and I'm like flying and the light turned green why isn't this fucking guy going? He's like, wait, man. So I just went to put the brake on that car went right in the back of him. When I got out to give him my well, I didn't even have a license.

When I got out, he still had this sticker on. It was a brand new fucking car. It was a Friday night. He was bringing it home to go show it to his girlfriend and I just fucked up his back. I'm like, though. He said, got an insurance card. I don't have it on me.

But I'll call you tonight. Would he give me a number? He's like, okay. He just took the car. Okay. call me later. Bye. Peele! Dog, I never heard a thing from that. Like, the cop

never called me. I never got a letter from insurance. I didn't have insurance at the time. I didn't have a license. I had nothing when I hit that guy. That car wasn't registered. He just let me off the hook. And I went over and took fifth place that night. I never believe it. I'm like, they're like, when I got that, was all discombobulated.

Like, Joey, what's the matter? I just re-readed to the fucking guy. I almost put him through the windshield. It was a new fucking car. Jesus. It's really weird when you're young and you, you know, you rack up those credit cards because you don't, it's easy to go to a restaurant and take your girl and drop 80. Yeah, get the cheesecake.

Yeah, get the fucking shot. And when that bill comes in the mail, and you only make $400 a week, and you got to pay $80, and then you start with those minimum payments. Well, it says you can pay me $80, you can pay me $19. Once you pay the $19, you go one into the fucking, hell of destruction. And it's, we talked a lot

on the church about like if college was worth at this and that. I moved to L.A. a week after graduating college. I never once stayed at home. I didn't have roommates. I didn't want them. Now, like what saved me over the last two years was living with my parents having no whatever it's called, no rent, unemployment, and I was lucky enough

I got to save a little bit of money. that if I was 21 if I graduated college now live at home for four or five years have no rent and that that's the only way you're going to be able to buy that house because if you're living anywhere your rents probably close to a thousand dollars at a minimum and that's if worth warmaid's not a great place if you're in LA or New York that rents a lot higher so if that's the only way people could save money now staying at home like if if you had a kid and they stayed home until they're 25. That's the only way they're going to save a little bit of money. Guys, don't leave your parents. It's not worth it. If the bitch don't want to marry you, because you're where your parents get rid of that motherfucker.

You're marrying a woman that doesn't mind living in the basement. She's not looking for bigger things out of life. She's looking for laundry being done on time because she's going to slip it up and fuck it up. And the meals are not. You know, when you get married, you've got to marry this new chick and she don't know how to fucking cook. You got to go through it,

And then your mom has to give her a recipe to stay with mom. I'm saving you so much aggravation. Really? Your dreams and aspirations, you could do them at the basement, living with mom. Don't leave mom, guys. You know, you asked me a good question. And it's funny because somebody was talking about it on one of those fucking serious business shows the other day. I always leaned going to college because I wanted to go to college.

I thought that it was the best thing you could do is an American. That's what you're supposed to do is. go to fucking college and be somebody. That's my personal preference. But can you get somewhere without college today? It was just, yeah. I tell you what, I don't even know why these kids go to high school. I don't even know why these kids go to,

because high school is not going to teach you what's missing from society today. And that's hustle. That's a kid saying to you, hey, mom, I don't want to play on the computer today. We got to figure something out because I got to make money. I got to deliver a paper. There's no newspapers.

Well, that's right our own. Nobody's coming up with hustle. And that I can't teach you. So why are you in this fucking school? Why are you in this school? Yeah. The only hustle is online stuff now. It's like the kids making YouTube videos doing Twitch.

That's really, and there's a lot. They were talking about it yesterday. There's college courses now about being like a video game player online. It's a major now. And like that, you could do that. I have a hard time saying, don't finish high school because like you kind of Yeah, you have to.

Trust me. A GED. But what was the last? Listen, we had this conversation a thousand times. All those jobs you went in in fucking interviews, they never even asked you about college.

Oh no, another call. Yeah. When was the last time somebody asked you about high school and the fucking thing? You could just tell them anything. Yeah.

How many, dog, I had a friend who died in the sophomore year went to work with his father, his father owned the fruit company. You know what? His dad died he inherited the company.

He knew everything about the peach. You know, he knew everything about fucking fruit. grapes, whatever. You know, I wanted people to go to college so they get the full experience of life, the sorority, the fraternity,

the sports, but if it's going to put you into 300,000 to get that experience, forget it. I can just send you into a Nick game. I could, you know, I could just do so many fucking things to replace,

so you're not 24 going out into the world and a minus. A big, and a big fucking minus. And it's a big minus, and it's a big mental minus. you owe, I mean, you don't even know. When you're 24, you don't even know what $66,000 is. You really don't until you start working for it and go, that's a lot of fucking money.

That's what I'm making a year. How do my fucking parents do this shit? You know, it's tough. But right now, with all the shit I see, you know, there's kids at home fucking dying their head purple, making a million dollars a year, you know, telling people that's selling products or whatever. It doesn't take salesmanship. learn from your ball sack, you know, hustle.

You just get sick and tired of being on the couch and saying, I can't live like this anymore. How much longer, you know, I'm not going to go to ITT tech. You know what I'm saying? Like, that ain't going to work. They ain't going to teach you nothing down there. You know, and that's the couple. We ever stay home in the daytime and you put TV on?

That's what you get. ITT tech. Learn how to cut hair. Learn how to fucking be a doctor's aide. No, you're not. People go to college for eight years to be. a doctor's aide. You've been sitting on a couch for two years. You gained 80 pounds. You got flibitis fucking veins on your legs. You smell like popcorn your neck and you're going to go

to some course for eight months and I got to teach you how to be a doctor's aide. Hello. Hello. I mean it's just and a lot of shit it's just experiencing. You could do so much more just getting a job today and putting your nose to the grindstone. I still believe in that. It's going to be corporate and you're not going to like it. There's going to be rules. You can't tell that chick with the big tits, hey, let me rub your chat. You know, you can't crack those type of jokes. I don't know if you can do that anywhere. I don't think you're supposed to say that to any girl with the big tits.

But no, you know what I'm saying, guys, you know, you could still do it. You could still grow with a company. Yeah. If you could go to Lowe's, if you go to Costco, like I go to Jitsu with a kid, he's a fucking kid. He's a fucking kid. He's been at fucking Costco for 10 years. Come here since he graduated high school. Kid drives up in a nice fucking car.

He's got a pretty girlfriend. You know, he lives with his parents. I would go to Costco. All those companies that are like that, you know, chickfilet. And you're off on Sundays. And if you say fuck the gays, hey, he works at chick filet.

You know what I'm saying? Nobody's gonna fucking hold you to it. The chicken's pretty fucking good. Nobody's like that's... Well, they don't tell, like... And they do tell you, but they really don't. Like, you watch TV and movies and things look exciting and they look like life is going to be great.

The thing about, like, what I'm learning about regular life, and it sounds crazy because I'm 30, but I, like, what we had for 10 years, I got spoiled. Everyone was fun.

It was exciting. It turns out life is like, like when you're doing that 9 to 5, even if you really love your job, it's every fucking day. You get those two days off. And after a while, you're like,

wait, this is every, this is every day. Because like even in college, you know, I had one year I had class Tuesdays and Thursdays. Every other day was taking a nap. That's how that's when you take it.

It's fun. But then when you have like a real adult life, you're like, this is. It sucks. Bullshit. It sucks. I still remember Lee being young and Lee going, it sucks. And I'm like, this is every day. You get up.

Forever. You tweet. Forever. Now, a lot of people don't have this insight. And I got to be honest to you guys, I had this insight by the age of 28. That's what I, by the age of 27, I was like, I'm going to have a tough life. This is going to be very tough for Uncle Joey.

I'm going to have to either be a bank robber. I'm going to get shot, robbing a bank. I don't know what I was going to do. This is going to be fucking a doozy. And that's why I chose comedy. Because I was like, if you're going to, listen, when you're taking it in the ass, if you like it, it's not a job, not a job.

You know, you ever see somebody who really enjoys their job? like a guitar attack and when you go to a concert like he's like fucking like tony iommi's guitar tech or somebody exciting guitar tech you're like wow they enjoy their job what can i do to enjoy myself like that if you look at the clock twice in an eight hour day that's not the gig for you if you really think about it i'm not here to fucking ruin your party but think about it if you look at the clock all fucking day that's not for you if you're dying to get you're dying to get the fuck out of there, that's not for you. You know, we can do a podcast for 10 hours.

We enjoy it. We could talk shit, we can bring the bong in here. Yeah? But a lot of people don't enjoy their job, and that beats up on you. Listen, I was a strong kid. When I was roofing, I had a great work ethic, and I wanted to be the best guy on that roof. Anytime I went into a job, as much of a junkie as I was,

I always said, I want to be the best worker in here. I want to be a junkie. I want them to say This motherfucker's a junkie I can be This motherfucker's a junkie But this motherfucker With the eight hours we have I'll take more junkies

Like that was my prerogative To be the best On the job You know And that's a lot of people Don't have that A lot of people don't have

That work ethic And a lot of people don't have The work ethic to look and go Okay I can work hard Like this today But do I want Like my brother yesterday Mike you know

He came up for the baptism Doug he walks 10,000 steps a day. Now, to the fucking regular American, that's like, that's great. That's nothing. Not when you're 58. Six days a week, he said. Six days a week.

Driving delivery FedEx packages. Nobody signed up on this planet for six days a week and 10,000 fucking spaces a day. You know what I'm saying? But only Jesus. Jesus wanted to walk every fucking day. He should have drove for fucking FedEx. But it's also, like, I can't, like, if I had, if I had enough money. Like I would have, I could have seen myself maybe trying stand up, but I don't want to,

what you're talking about being broke like that, that's a different cut. That also, I think that scares a lot of people. Like, how did that not scare you? Because I was a loser. And when you're a loser, you're not going to make six or seven figures anyway. So I was in a hole. I was a felon. I was a loser and I knew it. I had the boss to look within and go, this is what I got to offer anybody. This is what I got to offer anybody. So it's like somebody was saying the other day. We were talking about we went to a restaurant a few weeks ago and we dropped a buck 80 for lunch. It was great to food, but it was not. Cuban food, buck 80 for four people, two appetizers, no alcohol. That's a lot of money. I could go to Miami. I could take it to Miami and we can all eat that twice and it's

60 bucks. Right. You know, so, but then my friend said to me, I want you to think about it. Like Osteria has Burger Night on Monday night. It's 1695 plus a beer. Okay, and he looked at me. He goes, that's a fucking deal. He goes, I went to some shithole with my kids the other day and dropped. They wanted 30 bucks for the burger with the fries and everything. What you're paying for food now in a restaurant,

you might as well go eat the best now. If you're going to go to a diner and pay 21 for a steak, you might as well go to the place down the corn and pay 35 for the steak. Because for the 21, you're going to get. get, it's not going to be good at all. It's going to be like donkey meat. You stab it, it's going to jump up, it's still alive. So right now at this point in life,

but what was your question? You were saying, how did you know? How could you tolerate that? Yeah, how can you tolerate? Because, like, you're saying, I was a quarter million in debt. I can't imagine waking up, I'm a quarter million in debt.

Two fucking jobs. A main job in the daytime, and then one from six to 12 at night. Right. How long would that be? in that debt for $250,000. A long fucking time.

I would have still been in a 500 year debt and I wouldn't enjoy what I was doing. So I picked what I love to do. You can't get blood out of Iraq. I'm calling you up

and I'm going, Mike. I owe you $20,000. I'm going to pay you that money. I know you want $2,000 a month and that's great, but you ain't get $1,000. I'm going to give you $50 a month. Before you lose your mind on me

and call me a loser, I didn't have to call you. I could have just 50 and $50 a month is better than nothing. So this is the pay plan I proposed to you. I'm going to pay you until May. I'm going to pay you until May of 2018. That was the calls I was making.

The people that I loved, that people that really I knew work for their money and, you know, that's what I did. Because no matter what, I wasn't going to get out of debt. I might as well do. What the fuck I want to do on my terms? I'm still going to pay the bills. They might not be the number you want. I know you're looking for 100 a month.

saying you're 50, but at least I'm sending you something. I know this ain't the call you wanted to get. But five years ago, I would have told you to go fuck yourself, and there's nothing you're going to do to me if I don't pay you. Now, at least I'm giving you the option. I'm calling you like a man. So everybody appreciated that, right off the bat. Attorneys, everybody like that when I called them up.

Yeah, because most people probably just hide. Most people just go go, go fuck yourself, send me to collections. I didn't do that. I'm going to pay you $25. It's not what you want, but it's what I could do, and I'm going to pay it all the way to the end. And I knew that nothing I was going to do was going to get me out of this debt.

And it's also, it's tough, because I see a lot of people who get married really young. And, like, when you start, when you have a family that young, you don't have the, I guess, luxury of maybe following a dream and doing that. I think that's how a lot of people get stuck doing that, and it's rough to feel like you have to do it.

And, like, the other thing is, like, You also had no guarantee you were going to be a successful comic. I had no guarantees. I had no guarantees of anything, but I knew what was my choice? What was my choices? Boulder, after $12, you're not going to get an hour without a high school, without a college education,

you're not going to get a job. So I was always going to be stuck at $500 a week. Fuck. And I would have had to get another job part-time and selling Coke. I was never going to make money selling Coke. I was always going to break even to lose a little bit. Okay?

You're going to lose a little bit. So the Chinese food delivery, you know, I was helping a guy, like a guy with Lay Tal, and I would grout for him, and he would give me 50 bucks. Have you guys ever grow out of the tub? No. You'd rather get raped by 20 guys, and they all come in your ear. That's how bad it is to fucking grout a towel. Your knees hurt because you're on your knees, and you got to pick it up.

And I used to grout. He would do them in the daytime. and then give me the addresses. And I would go at night, and it would take me three hours to fucking do a tub, you know. I did all those jobs, and I'd say, if I combined them all, didn't eat, lived in a fucking car, and I would have never got out of that debt. When you, and as a young man, a young woman, you look at your debt sometimes, and you're going to look at it. What I did one day was stop thinking about it because it just got me depressed.

Every time I thought about my debt and the numbers, like the algebra, like you owe, $210,000. There's 52 weeks in a year. It never added up. It never added up. So I took a chance with the comedy. I believed when I booked the Taco Bell commercial, all those couple of little things,

I always took money out and paid extra. And I told the people, hey, I booked the Taco Bell commercial, and I'm paying you. And they would be fucking ecstatic. Really? All right, so my money's going to work now. Now they were looking at this. How is their investment?

Right. So it was kind of nice, you know. It was a great feeling. Listen, there's no guarantees of anything. But I'm going to tell you something that I thought about the other day. Because after you write a book and you hand it in, it's the anything.

When you go to an audition and hand it in on the way home, you're like, fuck! I should have said this. If you go up on stage and you come off, fuck, I should have done this. If you go on stage to play a band and you don't do that solo and you forget it, you're like, fuck, I should have played that solo.

There's always something you could have done better. And after I wrote the book, I realized something. I had that situation with my ex-wife and her boyfriend when he called me a spick. Right. And I had the two felonies. And I knew that if I did anything across the street or did anything, I would go to jail for 25 years. That's the, you know, it's a call the lifetime offender and they throw you in jail.

The day I hit him, the day I decided to hit him was the day I didn't know, but it was the day I succeeded. When you decided to him? Because I was looking at 25 years, and I didn't think about that. And that's a plus? That was a plus, because I got away with that. And that whole situation lifted me up one. I don't like living my life feeling like I was half-smacked. And I was walking around half-smacked by that guy.

So when I smacked them knowing that I could do 25 years, it's like at the end of the longest yard, the longest yard, the original longest yard, the original longest yard, why the original longest yard sets you off for Burt Reynolds is because he throws the game and he's sitting there and he's looking at that old man.

Bert Reynolds keeps looking at that fucking old man. And I watched that moment when I was 10. And I thought about that move the rest of my life. And he looks at him and he goes, hey man, come here for a second. He goes, when you hit the warden, was it worth of 25 years?

and that old man looked at him, came a look, and he goes, yeah, it really was. When I was 10 years old, that move took me and spun a knife of me, that somebody would be looking at 25 years and said, fuck it, I'm going to do what I fucking do regardless of what you want to do to me. And I'm going to do it and fucking believe in it to have the belief. Never mind just do it. Some people say, you know, defunct. the police and some other idiots are like yeah debunked the police and you know then like oh my god

what did i say you can't have that feeling you're going and you're believing in what the fuck you're doing so on the way down there i was like i'm gonna take his fucking head off my shoulders his shoulders i did i smacked him i felt good about what i did but that move put me out there because i was looking at against the odds i was looking at a life sentence there was going to be no comedy. There was going to be no mercy. There was going to be no church of what's happening now. There was going to be no Lee. So by doing that, that day, and just going, this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to go for it. And once I went into court, it's so weird. When the judge says, I'm dismissing this, I knew I was leaving that. I knew of it. Now I really had to go for comedy because this was a sign from God

that you beat that. Now you got to go for comedy. And that's what really happened. That stupid decision I made that day was the one that took me to the next level. Now, what do you think? And you're different because you are very good at comedy. But what do you think? Let's say this, let's say you weren't. At what point do you have to give up on a dream? Like, do you think that people should be honest with themselves about that too?

Like at some point? It's the fucking hardest thing you could do is be, it's the hardest thing to look at Mike and go, Mike, we're ending this band. Yeah, but we're doing great. We've been together four years. It's, it's, it's, I don't know. It's just fucking tough. What was it? Like, how do you, like, if you were, if you were doing comedy and you were still doing

$100 night spots, do you think you'd still be, like, would you be struggling now at your age? Or what do you've quit by now? I would have been struggling. Listen, I look for a job for two years. There's nothing I could do. That means, in other words, I would have been struggling. I could have probably been like a help somebody deliver papers or something like that.

But at 50, we were talking about this a couple weeks ago. We had a friend, Lee was friends with her from the comedy store that killed herself. Well, that's what we think. We haven't gotten the full. She was a very sweet girl, you know. And she struggled a lot with comedy. It was very rough for her, you know. You know, when you get into comedy, they change the rules on you.

Before you get to, like, oh, yeah, Lee, all you need is one commercial. you're a star. Then when Lee gets out there, it's 10 commercials. Well, you told me one for the longest time. So all that shit is rough. And I, ever since she's passed away, I felt really bad about it. I did a podcast about it. That when do you pull the plug? When do you look at yourself and go, you know what? I really wanted to be the next Jimmy Page, but it's not working out for me. That's, that's rough, man. That's a rough day. But then you have to look at your situation. Are you still 51 living in a basement by yourself, drinking, doing drugs, or do you have a family now? Do you have to quit for them?

Do you have to do something different for your life for them? When is the dream over? Right. I don't think the dream is ever over. You just have to take the dream and condense it to what's going on in your life now. That's what I think. Like if, all right, let's say I was still struggling. and me and my wife had mercy,

and I could get on, right now I could get on cruise ships. Right. That's $2,000 a week. That's, you know, that's not bad money when you've struggled at 100 a set. I know most comics would like to play Radio City, and you would like to play the improv, but that's not available to you.

So are you content with being on a ship and going, when I go on Facebook and I see Tom Cigure at a theater or Christa Leia, am I going to be comfortable with that? I started with those guys. So it's all whatever you could. And that's a fucked up thing about like the entertainment world is you could be the best.

And for some reason, you never took off. Like it's a lot of that. There's a good chunk of it that's luck too. It's luck. Listen, the best comics right now are not Dave Chappelle. They're not Joe Rogan. They're not Chris DeLeer. They're not Joe Coy.

I love those guys. They're my friends. They're great. comedians. But there's a fucking white dude that's on probation right now in Nashville that smokes crack. This guy

could do 20 minutes just talking about his motherfucking mother, that type of shit. Those guys are very funny. They're just not like the best story I could use is there was a guy when Kenneson was on the road. And he walked into a club in Chicago and he saw this guy that I saw a couple of years ago,

great guy. I thought the guy was the best working comic in the country when I saw him. He fucking had me laughing from the beginning to the end. He had a signature bit. And I once heard that Kennison thought the same thing about the guy. Like, why didn't that guy ever go to fucking LA? Well, he had six kids and his wife's a teacher.

And she's like a principal. She had great insurance and great benefits. So you have those guys. You know, college basketball, pro basketball. Fucking, you know, Kylie Irving is great. You know, the guy from Golden State. It is great. There's a lot of great players.

But guess what? There's a lot of black motherfuckers that'll take your ass to the hoop. They're blind. They're living in Philly. They must have shot a guy 10 years ago. They couldn't get into college. Or maybe he didn't pest the A-SATs.

You know, when they had the Rucker League in New York, that was cool. That was a league. That was for guys that were not going to go to the pros. But Dr. Jay were going on and they'd get the best competition on Saturdays because these were the best guy. The guys you see in L.A. right now, I hope they're the best guys.

I hope I'm a good storyteller. But I know in my heart that there's a black dude in D.C. right now that doesn't even know how funny he is. It's like when you go to Nashville or you go to Knoxville and you see a hot blonde and you're like, that bitch does not know she lives in Knoxville. Because obviously she'd be out of playing the fucking Miami for somebody to give her a million dollars.

She doesn't know. When you go to Texas, you'll see a blonde and you're like, what the fuck is that? And she's dating that fat fucking dude? Yeah. What the fuck? That girl doesn't know that she, that pussy's worth $10 million.

I'm not talking sex. I'm talking like L'O. Like, she's that pretty. She doesn't know that she could walk into L.A. right now and somebody at a diner's when I go, can I get your card? Because I'm going to put you on a fucking commercial. Everybody thinks Cindy Crawford is beautiful.

You know. there's always something where somebody that's better than you or what you do. He may not have the same situations or the same whatever that you have, but I feel it is, I feel it. And I've seen it. I've gone to comedy clubs where I've seen a guy and go,

fuck that motherfucker never bust. I hope that motherfucker never makes it out of here. Right. I hope his crack deal never goes to jail, you know, because that motherfucker will be out in L.A. smoking people. Fuck. I've seen that too. But that's, it's so, it's, it's so,

cool to like get to see like that was like the people i got to see you know it's just cool to be around people that like actually live their dream it's it's very rare very rare you know that's why i had wolfie on i mean when we got to l.a we saw a bunch of people that were getting there now you see the agostino yeah he's working yeah the agostino zoit is dear friend of mine our friend eric rocha moved up a spot rachel wolfson wolfson just got in a fucking movie So you feel very happy for those people. They're on the, when you see somebody getting to the rotation, you're like, okay, I'll be seeing them in seven years on something. I hope they know that.

And that's why I remind those people all the time. Kim Condom, you know, all those girls, when they get a little bit of success, don't give up yet. Don't give up that fucking pussy for a kid, you know, hang in there. Hang in there because you're six years away. And if you're a guy and this happens to you, don't fuck around because you're right there. Netflix just gave you a special, and Adam Sandler put you in a movie. Yeah, but Adam Sandler ain't what he used to be.

I agree. But you're in his movie. And if that guy put you in a movie, that means somebody else going to put you in a movie, that means somebody else going to put you in a movie. If you got into a movie and you got two lines and ten movies, don't quit. Because if you quit, you're about to get put in the whole movie.

But you're going to quit because I only get put in two lines. How many people are you been in a movie and get two lines? No. Okay, then. What are we fucking talking about here? How hard is it known to? lose your cool and like start like think like when you start making it like when you get that taco ball commercial was it hard for you not to like turn into like an LA douchebag no because

you have to outlive the early things like it's it's like when mike is doing his open mic on mondays and finally he does gets to write the solo right from you're all i got tonight the car's first time you know that he had great solos in there for the last eight weeks you've been doing that fucking solo and you've been fucking it up. The week that you get it right and it's really good like the week you get it right, it's not only right but it's fucking better than the guys.

Will you not wake up the next morning call guns and roses and say hey let me talk to the slash man. I got something to tell him. Listen, bitch. Last night I did, you're all I got tonight. It was better. I mean you don't know how many times I called like William Morris.

After a coked out. Like after like I did a great set and then got coked up. up and during my coked up, my coked out self talked my stupid self that I'm ready for William Morris so I got up the next morning opened up to Judy Carter book and called William Morris and said I want to talk to one of your top agents and they're like, who's this? And I'm like, Joey Diaz. I did 43 minutes last night and that you haven't heard the last to me. And also it's like, click, hello, hello, hello.

And I called back and they're like, Joey, yeah, click. I was like, oh. So we all fuck up. It's just better to fuck up at that level than to fuck up in L.A. Like to get a deal in L.A. and pull up to the store with a Mercedes and start throwing spitting people

and saying, fuck you, you're never going to make it. No, I never could. I always knew, I always knew it was luck. I always knew it was luck. What's the definition of luck? Good luck. It's when preparation meets... Hard work?

Hard work. I always knew that I would get that luck because I knew that that would pay off. And then it's just not hard work. It's what work you do. It's what you're doing. Some people get up. You know, you need to, you need the fucking writer's song.

You want to get up and fucking play the tambourine. That's okay. I appreciate you playing the tambourine. I'm sure fucking humble pies getting back together. And they need a tambourine player or something like that in the next 10 years. But I needed you to sing. Right. Do you know what I'm saying?

So a lot of people, I think that I was very lucky, but I always knew that if you, you know, I always, like there's always somebody who's going to shit on you. Bro, I got the narrow movie. Yeah, but you only got two lines and you got shot in the beginning. You get depressed about that. But then your smart self goes, that motherfucker's never done nothing.

Right. That motherfucker's never done nothing. And okay, the movie was a bomb. And okay, I only had two lines. But you find something. But guess what? The guy did my lines with Anthony Lumpagli. He's a trained action.

I'm a fat fuck. That's a junkie. I could barely not snorcoat. So I did do something good. So you have to take the little victories because eventually the little victories add up. And that's the fucking truth. If you're not satisfied today,

my daughter's team lost yesterday. And the doublehead of first game, they lost like 14 to 1. She was throwing, some girl hit a home run, and Mercy got a hit. The girl was throwing, she threw 14 strikeouts. And the only two people was the girl that got the home run, and my daughter got like a little hit of a single or something like that. They lost.

Mercy was upset. I found the silver lining. There's a silver lining and everything. Even if you get your ass kick, there's a silver lining. It made you stronger. It did something, you know, so. when I think of all that LA stuff it's just going there with a clear head

and when something good happens the next day you wake up in the morning you go yeah I booked the movie with De Niro but guess what I'm still a piece of shit it's time to get back out there and work because your job is never done it's Monday you bad motherfuckers I want to thank Lee for spending the weekend here

he made life a lot easier I was going to invite Mike but Mike had a gig on Wednesday on Saturday so I felt bad about that but it's a great week it's a great month we're back bitches it's Monday the May

fucking second we're going into the summer months the birds are chirping the sky is blue and my balls are tremendous I love you motherfuckers

I'll see you Wednesday morning tip top magoo and now for a word for my motherfucking sponsor Jack all right the join is brought to you by stamps dot com

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I want to thank Blue Chew. I want to thank Liquid Ivy and Stamps Doc Tom. But most importantly, I want to thank you savages for having my back and Lee for coming down. And you motherfuckers for always being here. I love you. I'll see you Wednesday morning. Tip Top Magoo.

Love a Mexican. It's Cinco de Mayo week. Cuckuckuckers.