The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #161 | JIMMY SHUBERT | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: May 9, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT..... It's Monday, May 9th.... Today we catch up with the Great, JIMMY SHUBERT! This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by Bespoke Post & Sheath Underwear.….   Bespoke Post Support the show by going to www.boxofawesome.com  and use code JOEY for 20% off your first box. Support the show by going to sheathunderwear.com and use promo code JOEY to get 20% off your first order. Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #Onnit #SheathUnderwear #BespokePost #JimmyShubert The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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Jimmy Schubert is in studio. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday in May the night. My mother's birthday in hell. Well, that's why I think she's at. Anyway, it's a fun-filled fucking week. I hope you guys had a great time on Cinco to My. You jumped up and down, you crashed the car.

You got a DUI. That's what most DUIs happened. On Cinco to fucking Mayo. People lose their goddamn minds. But it's going to be a great week. It's shitty weather today, but I got my man Jimmy, two shoes, Schubert, in studio Philadelphia's finest. What's going on, Taze?

My advice for it's up, brother. Nothing, you know, fucking here in Jersey. It's a rainy fucking day. You came by. Yeah, came by, and a slice of pizza, hung out. I missed you, you know. because I got out of L.A. too, bro. Dog, we got on the fucking first train out.

We in, Rogan. We won the first train out, Jack. Fuck you. Everybody's scattered. I went up in Del Rey, Florida. You're up in Townsville, New Jersey. I mean, it's freaking, it's, you know. Fucking Steve Simone's in Florida, Lees in Boston.

Yeah. Half of fucking comedies in Austin. Yeah. You know, and I got to tell you, man, I saw Roseanne on stage in Austin the other day. She went down there. Yeah. and was fucking around with Joe and Ron White and stuff. And I got to be honestly, I think it's going to be, I want, you know,

I want to do some comedy, some sets. And I think I'm going to go down there for a couple days. Oh, you should. And just do a couple sets with those guys. It seems like they're having a good comedy time. Well, yeah, you know, I was just down there. I did the Romo Room, but I was down there I did an episode of Kiltone. I mean, these guys, that Vulcan, gas company there, right across the streets,

the cake and the, the, the cake and the, Creek in the cave. Creek in a cave. But they're like, like right within a two-block area. And then, you know, Joe was looking at a building down there, I know. So it's going to be, I mean, that whole area is going to be happening. And what's going on with the club that was there all those years? You know, it's interesting.

Margie? Yeah, the Cap City Comedy Club. But that club, it closed and then it reopened. And I think at some point somebody looked at that building and thought, I might buy it, but they put like a big price tag on. It was like, no, not really. We didn't do anything you want, you know. I mean, they should have done that.

I remember it was a pretty decent room and had a real nice big showroom on the outside by the board there was another little stage there and it was a nice club but I think they went out of business I heard that Margie her mate of many years

passed away right before the pandemic so she wasn't doing good when the pandemic hit and then she was looking to sell the club but they put a heavy price tag on it that could have been a very easy move to Rogan but they put a big price They read, they sold $100 million, and they wanted to add. And that mall is, you know, it's, it looks like a mall in North Hollywood.

Yeah. You know, a barbaga, karate school. You know, it's. You know, it's missing. You can see a good, a good fucking windblown. That club is gone. But, you know, I went down there, and I was very impressed with, I didn't go out that night. I had to come right back.

I think I'm going to go down there in May and then one time in June. I went down there, and so we're at the, um, creek in the cave and then the back is just wide open out of it and it's Stoney Hinchcliff is Brian Fred fan it's Adam Egan

from everybody like the manager it was like Mitchell the role like it was I felt like at the comedy store but they were all the L.A. people

all the comedy store people were there it was a blast man I had a great time with those guys you know and for me it was listen I'm too fucking long in the tooth to go down there

and think I'm gonna plant fucking whatever You know, but it's nice to just, I like seeing those kids doing that. Yeah, I like, I really like seeing those kids fucking grinding it out. It does something to me. Just because I don't want to do it at that pace anymore, doesn't mean I don't encourage people to fucking do it. So it's kind of nice. I like what they're doing down there.

Yeah, it's a real scene, man. It's Hollywood without the fucking Hollywood. So it's got to be beautiful. Anytime there's stand up and there's no Hollywood involved, it's as pure and as down and dirty as it could be. Yeah, man. So, you know, when you see guys like Jimmy, myself, we went through that scene. I mean, Jimmy was there with Kennison.

Jimmy was there when it was really mattered. Yeah. So it was crazy. Yeah, when it really fucking mattered, Jimmy was there. So think about it. I mean, we were a little older now, you know. I mean, if I didn't have mercy and the fucking wife, I would go on the road with the goal for somebody to find me dead.

that. What are you going to do? If you're going to have a wife and a kid, you're going to go on the road, get your dick sucked, or, geez, light your nutsack on fire. You know, you're going to do all these things because there's no, there's no anchor.

You know, when I didn't have an anchor, the road was fucking a magical place. It was the Wizard of Oz. I didn't know where I was going every weekend. I was going to Houston, but I ended up in a fucking white supremacist camp, Norton Coke in Beaumont, Texas, saying I hate Jews.

You know, that's just the way it is. That's the adventure that comedy gives you. You know, that's the adventure. If you're in for that adventure, once you're married and you have a child, you know, listen, man, the last 10 years I did comedy, and I got to be honest to you, all I thought about was that,

them giving me that check on Saturday night. Yeah. That's all I gave it. Once you gave me that check, the pictures disappeared. You know, so what's going on in America? I don't know. It's over. You gave me the check.

It's over. Yeah. There's no more pictures. The only thing I have on my mind is going home. I wish I had the money to fucking take a jet home right now. The hardest thing of the road is after you get that check, waiting for that fucking plane, waiting for that car to call you at $5.55 going with here.

And you're like, fuck. Hold on. I got to smoke a half a joint. Then you get in there. That's all I loved about it was getting paid. That's why I'm doing what I did. Thank God I fucking came to that conclusion. That was the best part of my weekend.

The best part of my comedy weekend was getting to a town, eating that first dinner, that first good restaurant dinner, whatever that city has to offer, that to me is fucking king. Knowing you have a show at 8 o'clock, it's sold out, and knowing you're going to go back to your room,

smoke a fucking pound of weed, and watch fucking HBO Max till 4 in the morning because you ain't got radio Friday. All you got to get up, go to breakfast, go to a fucking gym. That's it. You know, that's life. I love that shit.

But that hotel stay now, Saturday, I'm ready to commit suicide. I'm ready to pull a Chris Cornell. I'm ready to pull a belt around my fucking neck on Saturday because that's why I have Jimmy here because I don't want him to sit in a hotel room on a fucking Saturday. I didn't forget that shit. Yeah. You know what's interesting is you're right. Once it gets to a point, like I've been everywhere in America probably.

Everywhere. Probably 15 times. Like just torn around all over. And then like they're doing a. Getting to do those military tours where you would go to, like, or you go to Asia. And I go, yeah, I would go. What I was just doing it because it was different than, like, I would get to go to Asia. Well, first off, I don't know, people spend, work their whole lives and save money to go to see, like, you know, Beijing and the Great Wall of China and Tiananmen Square.

And I'm like over there, I literally sent you flying to Beijing for a one-nighter. I had two days off, so I went and saw Tiananmen Square, and then we fly up to, I went up to Shanghai, but I'm going, at least it was. something different than just like doing the road in America, you know? Just have to break up to monotony of it. Like I would do those military tours. Like me, Steve Byrne, Pedro Hernandez, Drew Carey calls me and goes, hey, Jimmy, Drew, I go, hey, Drew, he goes, hey, we're thinking about maybe bringing you if you wanted to join us, we're going to Afghanistan to do shows, and I go, yeah, I was

thinking about going there anyway. It's lovely this time of year in August. He starts laughing, and then we got, you're flying into these military. They're going to fit you for a Kevlar vest and a helmet. And you're on this like alpha class, you know. And you're going to a patchy escort and they're firing. Cattleman measures off the back. And I'm sitting there like, like, you know, I'm not nervous, you know.

And you carrys get the helmet down. And he's like, he's, I go, what the fuck is wrong with you? I mean, you got, you got two shows on television? Well, he used to be a Marine. So these were the kind of things that he would do. Like it was like, I do this because I feel bad for these guys. But, I mean, that's like adventure travel. You know, I mean, you're talking about just the basic stuff because you're going,

I mean, it's 24 hours of straight flying to get to Doha guitar. And from there, you're on a C-130. And then you're on these things doing these forward operating bases. And we're getting off the chopper. And he gets to the table. The guy goes, what are you doing here? I go, we're the comedians. He goes, yeah, but what are you doing here?

Like, we can't be so horrible. He goes, Come on. But, I mean, it was kind of, you know, that was, it got to the point, it was better than staying in a hotel room and, you know, somewhere in, you know, Poldunk, Iowa, you're right. It's so weird, the road, the journey of the road, you know. It's fucking, like, you go as a feature act, and you go,

and then they like you at the club, and they bring you back, like, in six weeks, six months. Then you come back to six months, and now they know who you are, you know who they are, they're very nice to you, very nice to, to them and then you meet a girl on Friday night. You do a couple lines with her. Sadly, you swap some spit, maybe you suck a titties, and you promise your call. I'm not going to sleep with you because I don't want to be one of your groupies on the road.

Okay, whatever. I don't have no groupies on the road. I just date chicks that do blow and have dirty feet. That's all I look for. So then you come back to that thing, and now you do coke with her, and she actually sleeps with you. And you have like a nice weekend,

and then she tells you she doesn't want to have a commitment, and you don't give a fuck. just go to the next time and hope there's a freak there too. And then you come back again a year later. And this time, she comes to the show and hooks up with you, but she tells you, I got a boyfriend. We can't do that no more. And you're like, God damn it.

But he wants to meet you, you know, and all this shit. Now you've got to meet her and the fucking boyfriend. And then the next time she calls, she's like, well, we're going to meet, not really. If you're not licking, I'm not buying. You know what I'm saying? So take your fucking romance somewhere else. It's so weird. You see these people grow up.

You go to these, like, I didn't have the opportunities that Jimmy had going abroad because I'm a fucking criminal. I got no fucking passport. So I got stuck going over and over to the same clubs. And I got to tell you something, honest, I really enjoyed myself. I got to say, in all the American cities I went to, there was maybe two cities I did not like, and I can't even think of what they are now. Because as a, I always, part of the reason why I got into comedy was to see the United States. When I would read those comic biographies, they would talk. They would always mention, when you read the Allman Brothers, all those books,

they talk about these podunk towns. Anybody could go to Chicago. Any idiot could go to New Orleans. Go to Lafayette, Louisiana. You know, go to fucking, these are the places. It's funny when you have a conversation with somebody as a comic, and they don't know you're a comic. And they're like, I'm from, you know, St. Louis.

And all of them, you start spitting out. and they're like, what the fuck? And then they're like, how do you know? How do you know that area? And you're like, what high school did you get? Because you hear, now you know people. They start talking about high school. And you're like, did you go to LaSalle?

How did you know? You're a brain reader. No, I'm not a brain fucking reader. I've been here. I've been to that, you know. I was talking to somebody at there about Michiwaka. They were like, pale. They're like, how do you know about Michelle Walker?

The Michigan Walker is a part of Indiana. It's where Indiana and Michigan meet on the bottom. It's on top of Notre Dame. Fucking tremendous little thing. And they used to have the funny bone there by Notre Dame. It was a fucking, the guy booked you all the time because nobody wanted to go there. And you had to go. I went to go to Notre Dame for lunch.

You had to see the touchdown, Jesus. Fucking tremendous. I got a Notre Dame football jersey, the sweatshirt. You know, you over there. That's what you do? What's the best thing in the town? You go find the meal with their famous. You got to try this.

So the food's cool. And then where was while? Yeah, Mishawaka. And I'm telling you, the only thing in that town is Notre Dame. I mean, around it, it's kind of... Now it's different. That was 20 years ago. Now it's, you know...

It's a fucking, you know, but I remember going up to Ishpamin, Michigan. That's a little fucking, yeah, that's a little island. On the UP, the Upper Peninsula. Where fucking, it's, you know, summer is 31 degrees. Like that summer, you get hit with snowballs that are soft, you know. There's a company called Creative Entertainment back in the day, but they booked a whole southeast region of like the United States. And so you could literally, you could do a Tuesday night in, you know,

going over to Sierra Bluff, Virginia, then you're driving over to Prestonburg, Kentucky, and down to Knoxville for the Friday and Saturday. And like you felt like a trucker really. Like you're putting a thousand miles, but you're, you know, you get to know the rules. the road real quick. It's like, you know, you follow the truckers.

If you're driving, whatever the truckers are doing, you're doing. You're getting your gas over there, we're getting a gas over there. If the truckers are eating here, I'm eating here. I mean, you would just go because, I mean, literally, I would put a thousand miles a week. Oh my God, just driving these towns. But you get to see America. That's for sure. In the fucking purest form, bro.

Philadelphia, Mississippi, bro. There's a place called Philadelphia, Mississippi. It's a, man. It ain't like Philly, bro. It was like, you know, it was a real kind of... And I'm going to tell you what even makes... I'll tell you what makes that better. When you go to these small American towns

and you actually have a great fucking time. You have a great time. Like, I went to... I'll never forget this. I went to, what's the town? So it's Seattle. Idaho. I went to Idaho with Rico.

This guy was 6'6 foot 6 and black. Not just black, real black. And to make it worse, he had a spider tattooed on his face. like he did it with his beard. You know who the guy is. Up in Seattle, good friends of Mitch Hedberg, good friends with Stanhope,

just an all-around guy. He told me he was a criminal from the Bronx, so when I got into a fist fight, and I had to hide in a garbage can. So I called him, and I told him to pick me up. I'm in the garbage can by the tornado in the Seattle, and I fucking look out the garbage can, and there's Rico, six for five, a mile away going like this.

I'm like, Rico, everybody could see you. Even the cops, they're fucking watching. They can see you a big black guy. So we take them to fucking Idaho. It's a one week run. It's not Tribble. It was Donna Richards. Yeah, but it seems like a dribble, Robbors.

This was the eight ball in. Tremendous. The eight ball in. Fuck, and I go up there with Rico, the blackest man in the town. So what is this motherfucker? The next day I get up, you know, I bumped into a fucking Graham of Coke, and I get up, he's calling me. We're going to go eat breakfast.

All right, we got to drive to whatever. We go down to the diner. he walks in everybody turns around it's like he f huff hot he's six foot fucking five 300 pounds black with a beard of the fucking spider

so everybody looks at him what do you think this motherfucker decides to do he whips out of fucking mat throws it down he's a Muslim he starts praying the thing you want to see white he was scaring white people to death I may believe like I didn't know him I just went to the counter

and I just ate when he came over to sit next to me I'm like I don't even know you black man sit over there And everybody's like, yeah, sit over there. Fucking coming in here playing like a Muslim. He got down. Dog, in the fucking restaurant. That's shit that you can't write.

That's shit that. I forgot all about that, though, this fucking podcast. That's hilarious. That's the shit you can't write. The best ever was, I'm on a fucking creative run. I think Jimmy pulled for me and Ken Phillips. Yeah. Both of you guys, like, give Joey a headliner.

So I take Vinny Lightbulbs with me. And we're in fucking Knoxville, Tennessee. Great town, college tennis. a fucking album store second of none. I dropped my whole pay. I think they paid $175 to headline. I dropped the whole fucking check on that motherfucker in that store.

I think I got a little coke. We did like Clark, Tennessee, we did like all those birds and then we ended up the week in Knoxville. I get on stage. There's like 40 people in the audience. I get on stage and I'm doing my fucking jokes. They're not working.

It's the Bible Belt. I'm eating a bag of dicks. But in the audience, Jimmy Schubert is the high. woman you've ever seen your life. I can't take my eyes off this bitch from the stage. I'm going, how is this shit in Knoxville, Tennessee, blonde, bite-sized tities.

This is 20 years. This is 1997. Maybe 98. I'm doing my stuff, and all of a sudden they want to hackle me. They want to start heckling, talking about sucking dick. I'm like, what's going on over here? She's like, my husband, when we go home tonight, wants me to suck the neighbor's dick for $30.

And then they go into a whole spiel about how he brings it to the job side on Fridays. He has a truck and he puts a bed in the back and everybody fucks up for 30 bucks. This chick was gorgeous. She didn't even know how hot she was. Nobody ever told her. Knowing her and her family, he probably bought her

from her father for like $10 in a night for some shit. Like she was gorgeous guys. And she's telling all these stories. When he has UFC fights and the guys come in the bedroom and fuck me during the fight for 20 bucks. I mean, this is crazy shit. So the show ends.

I fucking, you know, whatever. Thank you for coming. I have no... I go to the bathroom. I take a piss. I'm going to my hotel. Before I go to my hotel home, there she is in the hotel lobby. And she's like, all those stories, I said with true. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, I suck dick. I'm like, listen, you want to suck dick. Let's see what you got.

So we go in the bathroom, we start swapping spit, and she sucks my dick, no big deal. She goes, I had a great time. We'll see you later. I got to go back to my dad. I go to my room roller joint smoke and I go back downstairs. There's maybe nine people in the fucking audience for the second show in Knoxville. Vinnie Lightbulbers is featuring. He goes up there. Now I'm looking at her.

I'm like, what the fuck is she still doing here? God damn it. I thought it was a to-go blow job. She fucking lurched over with her husband. And I'm looking at it and she's looking at me and she's holding on to her eye because she's hammered. It's like the 22nd birthday. The girl is fucking lit.

and she's looking over me now a sudden Vinny Lightbul goes, coming up, Joey Diaz, I go up there, how are you guys doing? Eight minutes, nine minutes into my set. This chick starts crying. And then she goes, I suck the comedian's dick

and he came in my mouth and a husband got up. He's like, what? And I'm like, no, she didn't. And it's going off in the showroom. She's like, I suck this dick and he came in my mouth. And he's like, what are you talking about?

You suck this dick? And also he's like, I want my $40. He's yelling about his $40. I want my $40. Did he come in your mouth? That's an extra $20.40. They had to hold him. The cops came.

Bro, he's like, no matter what happens, I'm getting my $40. And I'm like, holy shit. The next night I went down there. He didn't show with us. She didn't show. And that was that. Like, those are the things that you can't write. You're not going to see that on Seinfeld.

You're not going to see that on Larry David. But it's so crazy. Listen. You're not going to see that on there. This is what happens by doing. This is part of the allure. Like, this is, you can't read this shit in a book. Nothing prepares you for this journey unless you do it.

This, that whole experience, that weekend, probably somewhere. It helped my career, like my comedy somewhere. Because it's, that's what it is. You're going out into the fucking highway. You know that Julius Priest's song heading out to the highway? Yeah. I got nothing to lose at all. It's interesting.

It's very interesting. Yeah, but it's like, well, you watch, like, Will Smith smack Chris Rock on the Academy Awards. And, like, in my, you know, I said that was probably one of the most unprofessional fucking things I think I've ever seen. Well, simultaneously on Chris Rock's part, being the most professional thing to be able to hold it together. I mean, that guy, able to hold it together. And then just, like, kind of go on and present the show. And I said, that's that stand-up training. You've got to do stand-up training.

Like, he's like, I mean, I'm telling you, he was probably, like, he was probably, like, shocked. And I was like, I just got smacked on what? Like, what the fuck just happened? But he's dropped into that stand-up gear and go, okay, we're going to bring the presenters up and just kind of do it for it. I think once you get backstage, you probably freaked out a little bit like, that motherfucker is really fucking slats. That's a fucking insane. That's a good point.

I never thought about it from that perspective because it's true. It's stand-up training. A true stand-up, when you're doing 20 years. In the store, following people. Listen, if you do 20 years on a ship, you're Christopher Columbus. I mean, if you do fucking 20 years from, you know, in Green Bay and all that shit, you become really good. I mean, guys you get, like, I remember I did the episode of Marin.

Like, I hadn't acted like a month or two. But it shocked me, guys. With the work I was doing on that, shocked me. Like, what did this come from? Yeah. to 17 weeks I spent on the longest yard that's a long time to be acting in a row yeah in a row

we usually act one week and then we move on for eight months yeah then you got one day and then you move on but 17 weeks that teaches you how to prepare the camera how to look how to block I could rock with anybody and my buddy I'm a buddy Rob Cullen him and his brother Mark Collin they wrote

a bunch of shit nominated back in the game they put me in a bunch of stuff but he says you did that show We're called Lucky with Billy Gardell and Craig and Rum. But he said, you guys, I love working with stand-ups because you guys don't fucking flinch. It's like, you know, a lot of these actors are like, man, it's just a good. You don't even know what fucking sucks is, all right? This is fucking great.

Let's get it on, you know, because it's like, yeah, because you do all those fucking things. I want my $40. Yeah, you do all those fucking things. Now you're acting and, you know, that's great, though. I love doing it. I love being able to mix it up. I advise any young comic. All these young comics have these new fucking brainwave ideas about, you know,

they're all focused about social media. And I get it, guys. I get the social media angle more than anybody. I love it too. But I'm going to tell you something. The most important thing you could do is to get those first five years and get yourself into the worst situations you can. For me, like if I, Jiu-Jitsu, it would be for me to go to class every day

and have somebody lay on my fucking chest and me get up. It'd either be a black belt choking me and me get out from that position. That's what doing those triple runs. Nobody wants to do triple runs. Everybody wants to do the improv. Everybody wants to do a theater. But nobody wants to do these one-nighters and guys.

That's where your fucking strength's going to come from. Plus, it's the greatest adventure. It's the greatest adventure. They're doing Stannum County's brought me in the friggin' Israel, Ireland, all over Europe, Munich, and through Germany, that old vice and doing these military tours in China and Asia and South America and all over America like it's a great

giant adventure man if you can get out there and that's what it's about I think I think that's the journey of getting out there and doing it and living that love you're right you know everything on social media but it's you know you gotta do that but you also I watched an interview with a young comic theater a couple weeks ago he's going on the road and doing a tour

and the guy's sitting there like talking about he's got this new idea for comedy and there's this new way and I'm like, you know, I've been hearing this shit for 2,000 fucking years. This bullshit. And it happens every day in America. Don't lift weights. Climb up a wall.

That's better for you. You know, everybody's got the idea of what's better for you. But nobody wants to do the nitty gritty work. And the nitty gritty work, let me tell you something. I'm fucking proud that I did that nitty gritty work because it's who you are. Yeah. It's who you are. It's not going to be a perfect fucking night.

You're not going to walk on that. There's going to be a carpet. Dog, how many times did you work hard in your hometown when you first started? And somebody got you with a one-nighter. And you were expecting fucking the Playboy Club. And you got there. And it's like where the Blues Brothers performed. When they got bottles thrown at them.

Craig Colorado, bitches. In the old days, they had Craig Colorado had fucking chicken wire with a little thing with a comic can walk in. And they told you on the fucking thing. If the room is active, if anything should occur, run. to your room and call the manager and Dom 911. That was the thing that Tribble put in the bottom of that. The room is

active. I'll never forget that. It was Boulder on Tuesday, Craig on Thursday, Friday was Grand Junction, and Saturday was Pueblo. That was that fucking run. Then he had potato run one and two. Oh my God. Potato run is every... He has

two potato runs in fucking Idaho. Two of them. So once you finish the one, you come back the other and here's the beauty of it. Potato Run 2 and Potato Run 1 have a room across the street from each other. So when you do Potato Run 1 on Tuesday, you're on this street, when you do Potato Run 2,

you're back here. How do I know? Because I ended up in jail. Because the potato run number 1, some guy heckled me and I told him to go fuck his mother. And then when I was doing Potato Week number 2, I bumped into the guy when I was eating Chinese food at the mall in Idaho. And him and his friend came up to me.

chewing tobacco like you think you're a tough guy and shit and the next thing you know I fucking I go they go we want to take you outside and fight you I go listen there's two of years you both want I got to fight you one of the time

and they started talking to me like like really you want to fight this one a time I'm like these guys can't be this stupid yeah so the guy turns around I took the tray of Chinese food remember like what's that Chinese panda

panda always throws the fucking noodles at you those low main fucking carbohydrate cancer noodles I took the tray When he turned around, I hit him in the fucking head. They hit him, and the noodles stuck to his head, and the noodles were for him off one by one.

So I'm running out of the mall, and they're like, come back. He hit me with the noodles and all this shit. And they arrest me for fucking, I don't even know what they arrested me for, and the guy had to bail me out. They arrested me at 6, and they bailed me out at 9.05. I came out right in time for the fucking show at the club.

That's what happens on those triple runs. potato run I also fingered an Indian chick and she had a yeast infection at the club because all those potato run all those gigs start off like a comedy show but then they turn into like a disco night yeah it's like a phone all of some they released

they start moving chairs and yeah they start moving chairs silver ball comes down and drops and they want you to host a bikini contest and there's a fucking you have no idea but it's all part of the fucking gig

it really is when they start moving the chairs out, and you're like, what? They're, like, giving you the light. You're going into your best bit. You have, like, eight minutes. And you know what the greatest thing was? Oh, my God. It was all, like, the electric slide, like, to every...

Yeah, and you're in Middle America, like, and everybody just gets out of the dance. And so they're doing with the cowboy boots, but they were all doing that bill-billy line dancing. They don't come, so after the comedy show, the fucking place turns into a dance club. You don't feel too good after that. Like, if you bomb at the show,

and then it turns you, into a disco night and you go up to a girl and she's like, weren't you the comedian that bombed at the show and you're like, okay,

you just go right to your room, depressed, bro. You start crying. As you're writing new jokes, you see the tears hitting the paper and shit because the chick told you yourself. Nobody really has an idea,

like the first road gig I had. They told me at the fucking lounge you have to share the room with the guy. You know what that's like? All your life, you're reading these books, Lenny Bruce, Kennison.

I don't see you get to your first gig, He had to share a fucking room with a guy with size 14 feet. He's picking his toes the whole night and shit. You're like, God damn it. You know, God damn it. Nobody ever understand. This is why we end up fucked up. Because the beat, you take early on.

I can come with it. The guys, dude, dude, a couple of Army cots with some bubble foam in it. I was doing this my buddy, Jeff Avaloff. Jeff Avalholl he used to do stand-up. This kid used to do stand-up with me back a day. He's from Florida. But I took him on the row with me, right? and we hooked up with the Ron and Ron

Ron Bennington was the Ron and Ron Days with the Disciples of Comedy with those guys and this dude now this guy produces he's got three shows he produced a show with Jamie Fox called Chazam don't forget the lyrics and another show

but this kid we are on the road in this horrible club and there was Army Cots with like the bubble foam and I go you I go that's I'm not fucking

staying here. You're out of your fucking. You know, these are the competition. I said, bro, I have a point that I will not fucking cross. I said, I'm getting an hotel room. He goes, yeah, good idea. Let's get a fucking hotel room where I'll split away. I said, good, let's get the fucking. But I mean, like, the beating you take, like, to expect

the beating, guys. Just for Thursday, Friday, Saturday, like, sleep on a fucking army. It's a fucking beat, guys. Nobody has a fucking clue of that. You got to tell them the story. When you guys were partying, you guys were snorting coke and you broke the fucking fire hazard. And the next morning you went to eat breakfast

and they put a fucking hose on your eggs and you guys got paranoid so you left the hotel. No, no. No, we got fucking bagged. But I forgot about that one, did you? I remember all those good road stories. Those are good road stories.

We got a whole bagged We got a whole bagged at Bennington's club in St. Petersburg. Talking for the mic. Yeah. And so I'm with my buddy I want my buddy Flathead who's a legendary character You know the guy

He was the boy He was my guy He was the guy behind the guy So we got all banged up And so I pulled He's up on the second floor And so I see him up there I grab the fire Xers

One of his powder ones And so I pulled a pit And I'm chasing him All the way down the outside balcony with this freaking thing Right And all that sweats It comes down on the cars

It looks like it fucking snowed I have to watch my footsteps because I don't want my footsteps leading back to my door and I go Oh, this is the guy who must have done it So I get back in the room The next day we get up

And you see all the cars It looked like it fucking snowed It's like oh shit We go to this place across the street Called Lenny's And a great little breakfast joint And I got the five alarm omelet And it

It came with a little Fucking fire hat on it They call it We fucking fired the fire The fire stingers from It was fucking hilarious We just fucking start dying But, yes, that's

You know, man, it's very, it's really weird When I was writing the book, I talked to Eric about this It was really weird I didn't quit comedy Like, I think about that all the time Because I had some horrible luck for a while Like my first five years, I get momentum And then something would happen

I get momentum, but I kept coming back Like it wasn't like I didn't do comedy Like I would keep coming back Like I would be back the next night But it was always like somebody was banging the wind in my sales. I was never complete in the beginning. Because the beating that you get, you cannot. You know, there's still, dog, I fucking, I grew up loving Elvis.

You understand me? I idol. When you're Cuban, Elvis is a bad motherfucker. Elvis is a bad motherfucker when you're Irish. Elvis was a bad motherfucker and revisit his movies. You know, when you're a kid and you're watching Elvis, you want to fucking be Elvis. I forgot what I was getting to here.

But yeah, you're funny. I mean, you know, dude, I remember I was thinking about this day. When I started, like, when I was nine years old, I got this freaking, I got a stupid fucking magic kit. But then I turned into like I started doing shows. I was like 13, 14th and I was doing, like, I was getting like five or six gigs. I would go down at St. Christopher's Hospital in Philadelphia,

and you would go, I'm going to just go do a show for the kids. I go, oh, that's great. And so I would do it. That's how I would get better. and you're doing shows for the kids and, you know, and come out and do that. And then all these black nurses that work there, said, well, you've got to come to our church.

You're going to come to our church. And so, like, I go, all right, yeah. And I got, came out. So I would get these gigs. My old man would have to drive me into some of the worst neighborhoods in, like, West Philly. You know, he said a beat-up pickup truck. I got this fucking shoebox at the time.

And we go in and do magic. And that's kind of, I mean, I've been thinking about how long I've been performing. And I think, like, that's like, I haven't, I mean, I haven't other jobs to pay the bills in between, but this was always kind of like the goal. I don't know how to do anything else. This is my fucking life, and I still fucking love it.

Yeah, you know, so. It's really, what I was getting to the Elvis thing was that I liked Elvis. Now I can't look at Elvis because I did a fucking nine-month tenure under an Elvis fucking dude. An Elvis personator in Denver, I had to bring him up on Wednesday nights. And I get flashed. Like, I didn't think about it for years. Until I told the story and now I'm like, fuck, I can't believe I tolerated that beating everywhere. The guy would give me a small 50.

You know, tell these people what a small 50 is on a Wednesday night when you're a starving comic. It's like a $2,000 check guys, you know? So he would call me out and I would go. He would feed me. The guy was a great cook. Yeah. He played about 300, 400, 400 pounds. Guy was a great cook.

They bought him out at one of the casinos. He was an Elvis guy for like 20, 30 years. And that's what he did. He wanted to open up a little Italian restaurant. But he opened it up in Commerce City, Colorado, behind a bunch of truckers and shit. There was a cute little point. And only I had maybe five tables.

But, you know, I've told the story before. Till this day, I'm like, what the fuck was I thinking? Because I would have to go up. Do 15, 20. He would let me do whatever. That's why else I did it. Because everybody else was giving you 10, 8 minutes, 7 minutes. He would let you do 20.

I would die 10 of those minutes. minutes, but I would bring him up. So he'd come out first as the waiter. Okay? And he'd like pour the food, whatever he cooked, too. So he cooked, he cooked, waited on. He had a waiter, a waitress. That was like his niece. And then he came out,

how you doing that's got old, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then he'd go, I be right back. Let me throw some garlic bread. Norton, dun, da-da-da-da-da-da. He'd come out with Elvis. He'd give me like an eyeball, and I go, oh, lady, a treat. Elvis is in the building. coming to the stage, the great Tony is Elvis,

and he would walk through the thing and go up there, and I'm about to have to sit there, and at first I liked it, you know? But then after like 20 minutes, you're like, how much, you know, it's 10 o'clock at night, I got to put up with this guy moving his body, fat going everywhere. You could smell the cellulite powder,

because when you're fat, your dry skin, that celery powder sometimes, you can smell it. And I used to sit there, but you know what? I became a better comic because of it. It taught me. It taught me how to laugh at myself You know When I lived in Seattle was a book

I didn't like me I called her a fucking witch one night I didn't like her either But she had good rooms And I called the one then I go listen I know you don't like me I'm not looking for a booking Can I do guess such in your room

And she would go You can do whatever fuck you want I can't laugh So every I knew she hated me So every Wednesday I call her And go hey I'm going tomorrow night To do your show Every fucking week I would call her

Right And one day she's like you're such a fucking loser for doing these rooms for free. And I'm like, not really. You're the fucking loser. You're fat. You're sitting on your ass. And at least I'm doing fucking better shows than I'd be doing if I was a regular open, Micah.

I'm doing them in front of David Crow and all those Seattle guys. And I'm getting better. I'm improving. So what, you don't pay me? What do you pay anyway? 25 bucks? I'll do it for free and be better than you. I'll fucking come back 10 years from now and tell you how you sucked as a booker.

I'm better than you as a comment. it's a shame she died. So I never had the opportunity to come back and call her a fucking dead witch. This guy suckers. But it's a real journey. And I have a lot of guys on a Patreon that are young comics

and they ask questions and stuff and I encourage them and I encourage them to stay in the game. You know, there's nothing like getting shit on and then how about getting shit on and bombing? How's that drive home for you? Yeah. And not getting a dime for it.

And you were supposed to be home at 11 but it's 12 fucking 30 and you've got to be up at 6th for works. You just ruined tonight, today, you know, and not, but when you're a comic, you know that there's all, it's like being a street person. Tomorrow's another day.

Somebody kicked my ass today, but I'm going to go home, eat a rose beef sandwich, and I'm coming back, and you better be ready for Uncle Joey tomorrow, and guess what, and if you beat me up again tonight, I'm coming back Thursday.

That's comedy. Yeah. That's comedy in the beginning. And if that's not what you want to do, Don't get involved in it If you think making funny jokes on Twitter It's going to get you Go ahead

But you're not Yeah It's going to get you going for a little while You're going to sell out big shows You're a big shot But what happens When you get an opportunity Presented to you

And you can't cover the fucking spread Because you never wanted to do the work It's like when people want a headline But nobody wants to emce Fuck you You're not going to make it Because the MC is the quarterback Of the fucking show

You dumb motherfucker And if you don't know how to navigate the team, how are you going to get to the fucking promise land? So think about that. Yeah, I've always said that. I always said, you're going to be a great MC. That way you'll be a great feature act. It'll be a great feature act. Then you'll be a great headline because you know that's a show. Because you know the show. Yeah. And so, you know, I don't know what, you know, you got to do it. There's no, there's no, there's no, there's no, you can fool some of the people, some of the time. You can fool all the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all the

people all the time and you can rest assured and I'm telling you that you'll come up the first time I work with Kinnison we're doing this place called Bogarts in Cincinnati and it was this big weekend freaking thing there's a there's a firework show it's a tied in with this radio station it was like a giant giant event and it was the first time I'm on the road with with Kinnison and I go out and man I blanked I blank for like 30 seconds and someone yelled something I said shut the fuck up and it got me out of it and I slowly got the setback

and started getting them about the end of the set I had them fucking going I had them going I was able to yeah I was able to go okay I kind of pulled it up I pulled out

I was headed for the side of the mountain pulling up we did the white knuckle pull up and then I walk off I said that's it I'm probably not gonna work with Sam anymore because I forget and he goes

and he said to me he goes not he would have rather have you seen that set because now I know you can handle you know there's not many guys were to tank that set How many guys are attacked that set? You were able to pull it up.

Now I know you can handle it. Some guys would have just fucking continue down. But so, yeah, but you got to do those things. Until you can do those things on stage, like you said, if you don't do all those other shows, all those little shows, you won't know how to pull it up and save a set. Like, it's interesting. I didn't get on stage for like a year.

I got on stage a couple weeks ago at Uncle Dino, from my man, Dino, Mr. Vinny's. Yeah, yeah. And then Thursday night I went with Callan and Saturday. Saturday night. And it's funny how, you know, the first set just blew up my head.

Right. It just scrambles you the night. I went with Tom Sigoro. Right. Then the one, when I went with Dino that night, I was struggling a little bit. I could feel myself digging.

The set I did Thursday at the Stress Factory, I felt it. Like, okay. Yeah, it's back. Yeah. I'm three quarters back, you know. I'm three quarters back. I'm light on material,

but I'm three quarters back. So Thursday I had a hard time. time sleeping because I came home and I had to go back to the basics. I had to watch my favorite anything for comedy for back to basics. It's Rodney's special when he has Kennison, Roseanne. That is, you know, if I ran a comedy camp for a week and made people pay me, I would show that every night and break it down, break down each set. Hicks following dice is a brilliant set. Sam following Shimmel or somebody's brilliant There's a couple things that if you watch those sets

You will learn so much Toward degree and then you have to go out and fucking That's interesting yeah because I talked to Sam about that side We talked about that I said that was well he goes that was the one thing It was one of the things that kind of like put the pivot to launch It was a planned series of things that happened to him After that where he blew up

But he said he said this was one like the one thing he goes we got there with these guys and he said I sat there and I went over every single word of my act with the director he goes I'm going to do this I'm going to do this so he goes to cover he goes well we can't

we can shoot you know and when I always remember that piece of advice is like he just he sat there I did the same thing when I shot my comedy he sent so special special I went over everything and that's why I was able to get out like I look back at that set up I'm a finger bag of a bitchet

a fucking fucking assign me twin. Yeah, but the fucking, the director just shot around because I took the time and put the time

and he shot around all the stuff. So I got away with it. I couldn't believe what they got away with it. I mean, before they go into that room, I said over half a case of wine. I said, hey, here's a couple glass of wine for you guys.

Just don't touch the airplane bit and don't touch the fucking conjoinal twin bit we're good. And boy, they did me fucking right. They did it. They did a great job. But I mean,

but only because I heard Sam say that, he goes, take your time. When you're getting ready to film something, go over every fucking note or every little thing so they don't know what's going on. And you'd be amazed how many people didn't do it. Like the week we were doing those specials many years ago,

but I mean, you know, guys would just come out, you know, on a fucking skateboard. I was not a good special shooter. But I reviewed my special the last two years and I saw where I went wrong. And it's really fucking weird how, you know, I have to relearn again. Like this is the stuff I'm looking at

that's making my dick hard because it's making me think of that apartment in Boulder when I used to go home at night and sit and look at a notebook and look at Judy Carter's fucking book but to add to what you were saying if there's comics watching or anybody for that matter I went to a writing workshop

it wasn't a stand-up writing workshop it was a writing workshop when I got to LA and I took one thing from that workshop and the guy we were talking And he goes, anytime you review something before you present it, like we were talking about pitching. Yeah. Pitching shows. And he's like, it's so weird how I got on pitches of people and they've had a tremendous product.

But because they pitched it wrong, they didn't sell it. Yeah. You know. And they weren't prepared. And you really don't want to go in there with like a sheet. You want to be able to, they want to see you. Yeah, yeah. And he goes, I did a study for the years.

I would do percentages on pitches. Yeah. And he goes, people who went over a pitch, like if we went over a pitch, an hour before the meeting, the show had a higher probability of selling. So I took it as before I go on a stage, like when you go on the road, you don't really have to write on the road unless you really want to. You know, you can write whenever you want. But an hour before, you know, I go on stage on a Friday or Saturday night, I would always wash my pussy, come out, dry myself. whatever, hit the vapor pen, put my pants on like a shirt,

and go over my set. Yeah. Lightly. Lightly. Now, I don't want to know it like a script. No, because you want to be able to jump around. I want to be organic. Yeah.

I just want to know it. And then I would turn the page over and write, like, let's do this set with number two, first, number eight, second. And I would do shit like that. And it would, I tell you, man, it helped a lot. It's a big fucking percentage.

for you to do better. So if going over your material before you go on stage, that's always been a plus. And I went over it when I shot the specials, but I didn't go over it the right way and I didn't prepare the right way. Yeah. There's a way to prepare.

See, Jimmy and I were talking about this before we started the podcast. When I met Jimmy in 97, Hollywood was completely different than what it was now. They took a comic. They put them on the road 15 months, 15 weeks of the year, and then the other 10, 12, 16 because remember when we got to LA they were shooting 26 episodes in the season yeah

26 episodes of a 26 episodes that 2 13 season episodes that's 13 weeks if you're shooting TV they're gonna be a break so probably 16 weeks times 2 that's 32 weeks so let's say you're on 10 of those episodes 15 comedy weeks you're working 25 weeks that's a good fucking living and you'll sell tickets comedy shifted comedy shifted comedy shift agents weren't pushing comics anymore for TV shows. TV, on the other hand, TV started paying shit. You know, money on TV went low. When I got to L.A., a guest star was 15 to 18,000.

Now a guest star is 7 to fucking 10. You know, these streaming services, they don't give you residuals. So it's a one-time payment. So now comics are like, wait a second, I got to do this for three. I got to do a co-star for 3,500. but I could go to Pennsylvania for $8,000 It's a no fucking brain it Yeah, I've had to do a couple negotiations like that

Yeah, it's a no-brainer I was going to wind up canceling four gigs Where I was making like fucking Six grand and this lady had me doing this Like trying to see what I'm going to need for these weeks We're going to need you for this week We're going to need you for that week And I go

Well, how the fuck is it that I can make more money On the road doing stand-up And you're going to pay me for doing this movie I said how is that even possible? I go because, I mean, at this point, I could just go, I don't want to do it. I want to do the role. I said, but look, it would work with me a little bit. She got the money up close enough, and so I canceled a couple of gigs and made myself

available. It was fine. But I mean, you know, and you would expect, like, but also the negotiation. Like, when you learn, when we talk about not just the work, but you wind them negotiating and booking yourself on the road and you learn about the business side of it, more than anything, it's like, I mean, I swear to God, it's like a lot of these, like, I'm so, you know, I had to do it your whole life. even though you have agents, you have managers,

lots of times you're still managing your manager or agent in your age or just trying to figure out or people call you directly. You're negotiating a gig, and it's like, yeah, you know, corporate gig or whatever. And so, you know, like you said, I mean, sometimes these people don't even give you all the information. They don't tell you when you're up for something because they don't want you doing it.

They'd rather have you on the row because that's how they make money. You know, and so it's, it's a... The business changed a lot. But stand-up is stand-up. Yeah. Stand-up will always be. fucking stand-up. It's more brick walls, a microphone, and it's you against the

world, motherfucker. And I don't know... That's it. And I don't know about you, but, especially after the last couple years. I'm telling you, people come up on a, and people forgot how to fucking laugh. Oh, my God, like, they would come up and just grab me, go, thank you so much. I needed that. Like, it was so, like, it was

almost, it was like we were doing a mitzom for these people. They were like, there's the last two, and this last two years has been tough on everybody, like just, in what you could, your life and different things, and family functions and gatherings and celebrations. I mean, we're a social interactive species. We need, you know,

now you're putting a mask on, so you're just a faceless fucking human, and you can't do this, and you need to, your papers are not in order. No, no, my papers are an order, check them again,

you know, but I mean, it's like, it's crazy shit. I mean, it got, it got, it's a fucking insanity.

And so people got, everybody just kind of got caught up, and people started to kind of get back to normal, and I'm telling you, like, people came up, I'm going, man, thank you so much for tonight. Like, people need it more now than ever, I think.

And so that also, you know, turns when it gets me excited to do. And I love writing on the road. I like taking a bit that I get polished up. And so I'm going on a road, but I'm going to drop a new bit into my show. What a fucking great feeling that is to create. Yeah. To create is. Dude, so, yeah, and you're getting a round of applause with it because you go, now I got, you know, 90% of the work I'm doing is on the paper now.

You know, I've been performing for so long, but I want to go on. I mean, for me, I love coming up with a hunk of comedy that just, and you get every time, you get a round of applause out, you go, and the people are fucking dying and this is what I, yeah, that's what I live for. I love that. That's, that's my shit, you know. And you're, yeah, but it's, uh, yeah, it's a high for me too, but I, I, I fucking do. What do you go, I know guys get out of stand.

I don't want to fucking, I don't want to do it. But they, that's what I'm up. They pull me back in, you know, like, you're just Tim Allen, Tim Allen, Drew Carey. I mean, these guys don't fucking need. I don't need it. They just want it. They love it. They want to do it.

People always go back. I mean, even like the old guy, like Bob Newhart would go out and go out and do the thing. Rickles, Rickles never fucking stop. They're doing it to fucking 80. I wanted to take a breather. Yeah, no. I think it was a breather. Yeah.

A lot had happened. You never fucking take a breather. Yeah. You get all this shit grown at you. One minute you're fucking starving in an apartment. You're struggling to pay rent. And the next minute, you're living in a house and fucking studio city. How did you get there?

Like the guy said from the talking heads, how'd we fucking get here? I got a wife, I got a kid, I got a bike. How did we get here? So for me, I had an opportunity to just sit, smell the roses that I never did since I was 16 and see what I wanted to do. I wasn't done with comedy. I just wanted to see where these changes were going to take comedy in the world. Nobody knew.

We were dying from touching a fucking male two years ago. So nobody fucking knew what was going on. And I'll tell you, these last two years, same thing along you're saying. Like, you know, I've lost nine friends. I mean, I love him. I'm Carla Bo, Mitch Walters, guys I've known for years, guys were mentors. And I said the same thing. I'm going to fucking just go.

I want to just enjoy my life a little bit. Look, I don't have to, like, dude, I'm literally. I'm literally, everything is half what it was. Like, it's like, half. I just mean, 2,600 for my part. It's 30, 50 and, like, freaking in, in Florida. Like, everything's just half, so I don't have to kill myself. I'm not on the road, like, you know, four weeks.

out of the month just trying to make your ends meet. Then you get a little bit of breath, I can flip it, slip it around a golf, do some hot yoga, drink some green tea, get my chakras on. I said that during the pandemic, the richest people got the most desperate. And I couldn't understand that. Like, these people have money, they're comfortable,

why they're acting so desperate. And even now, today, when you look at Instagram, look at Instagram. Look at the people who are acting desperate on Instagram and go, why are you doing this? This is just stand-up. This is fun. You get helicopters to shoot videos for a fucking date.

What is going on here? They have blown this out of proportion. And that's why I wanted to keep it simple. I'm not going out like that anymore. I never quit comedy. I just wanted to give me a breather to see what the fuck I was at and see who the fuck I was at. At 59 years old, who the fuck am I?

One minute I was doing time fucking kidnapping somebody the next minute I'm on stage with Dice in Vegas, talking about gay people at a hotel. They were going to build a hotel and every hour on the hour A big black cock would come out And sperm will come out And the gay people will be on the bottom

No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. Two years before, I'm doing time with a bunch of black dudes and Puerto Ricans and we're eating fucking grilled cheese on a fucking, on an iron and all of a sudden you're in Vegas with Andrew

and then you're in a movie with Adam Sandlin and you can't process this shit because when you go to probably, everything is going in your mind so I just wanted to take it down I had the opportunity to do it. I'm happy I did it.

I'm doing this shit now on my terms. It's to replace, dog, it's to fucking kill six hours a week. You know what I missed? I didn't miss going to the store anymore. I didn't miss going to a fucking theater. You know what I really missed? I miss going to comedy underground on Monday night. And me coming up to you going, shoot, I don't mean to bother you, how much money you got in you?

Like, I got 14 tough. I got 15. Mike, what are you got 10? That's 35. We could get a half gram and we could split a cheeseburger between three people. And that worked just fine. Guys, that worked just fine.

You understand me? Nobody was losing their mind. You knew what you had. You knew and you accepted it. Somewhere along the line, comedy got taken out of that context in my world. I just wanted to go somewhere on Mondays and Tuesdays and crack ten jokes,

smoke some joint with the guys, maybe pick up a hit ass and go home. maybe get your dick suck by a crazy open mic shake. You know, I love that. And it got to something else for me. And now I'm trying to bring it back to that level in my mind. I remember, like, I was talking about the comedy store when Damon Wayne said, come in.

It was after he kind of blew up. But I always loved Damon. He was one of my favorite comedians. He had a sense of honesty about a stand. He was like, he was like the closest thing I saw to Richard Pryor. Like, I thought Damon Wayne was fucking hilarious. He was. And he would go, and he would go once my juice is gone.

I'm gone and he'll like if you bust the yard it's his boss and just as this juice would get down to the end and we'd walk and give him another glass of juice and he was telling him

oh look what I got I got another glass of juice and he was going to bust her balls but I love watching David but he said to me so I'm funny when I got man I said it's great I said I'm really happy

for your success I mean that show took off and all this he goes yeah man he goes I gotta tell you something he goes the funnest times I had was doing the stand-up for 25 bucks a night

when you didn't and now people are throwing three million a Okay, now be funny. And it's like, what the fuck? You know what I mean? You start down. Horrible.

Horrible. Yeah. Not that it's horrible, but I mean, it's like, it takes an adjustment. You have to, if I can go take a, let me go take a breather. But he said it because the funnest nights I've had here at the comedy state. It was those nights where you didn't have any pressure. You just be what you wanted to be. And, man, I was the comedy store for 30 fucking years.

I mean, dude, like you said, you've seen these different guys come through. And it's like, I just love doing fucking stand-up. I don't need. It doesn't have to be in an arena. I don't have to fly in a fucking leer jet. I just love making fucking people laugh, man. And, you know, if you can do that at a high level. Like, you know what you're saying?

At one point, it used to be great, to be a great fucking stand-up. It was like, Carlin. I mean, Carlin, you think Carlin was running around doing a fucking podcast? No, the guy put together 21 fucking albums, 14 HBO specials. He wrote fucking eight books. He was a content fucking monster. If I lived to be 80, you'll never see anybody to put out that kind of kind. He's 21 fucking albums.

It's a lot of comedy. It's a lot of comedy. Man, he's like, you know, to me, I mean, you know, like I watch Carlin. It's amazing, you know. And, but yeah, that used to be great. To be a great comic was good enough. But now it's, you're right. You've got to do, you know, social media.

It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. I just wanted to be a great comic. Yeah. I just wanted to crack jokes. Hold your attention, you know, be interesting. And I wanted, like what you said in the beginning, listen. People love when they go to a comedy show

and the waitress drops a tray of drinks and you fuck with them. If you're funny and on point, people want something, they want something to kind of happen. You know what I'm saying? They kind of want something to happen, a lady to pass out.

That just adds to the show. If you bring your 50 minutes of heat, you know, it's a great fucking experience. And I never really was thinking, bro, guys like me can't retire. There's no way. I can't watch TV in the daytime. There's no way.

I can't retire. I feel like I'm fucking loser when I put the TV on the daytime. So what are you going to do? You got to go somewhere. You got to go to the gym. I put the TV on in the daytime. You're right.

Yeah, no. You can't. I was a friend of mine. I've been at UPS for 40 years. We were talking with a dinner two months ago. And I'm going to retire. He goes, I'm going to die at that office. He goes, they want me to leave in the worst way.

They don't want to pay me no more. 40 years at UPS. He's broken every record. He's done every job they had. He drove. He broke cases. He's supervised. He's like, but I'm not staying home.

He was telling me they give him six weeks a year, and his wife gets two, and he takes the two with his wife, but the four that they give him, he works him. He goes, what am I going to do in that house by myself Monday and Tuesday? Because by Tuesday, you're losing your fucking mind. So there's certain people that want to go fishing and shit like that. In my world, you, what's the expression?

Carmen Balzano once told me when you stop using it, you lose it. Oh, yeah. A body of motion stays in motion. Body of motion stays in motion. You know, I was sitting at, I thought I could fucking sit here and go to school plays and maybe semi-coach a fucking high school basketball. That's not going to happen. No one's going to hire me.

I got 18 felonies. Who's going to fucking hire me? So all I am is a dirty stand-up till I die. I'm going to do it fucking, you know. Yeah, but you know the good thing is you said earlier. You said, I'm doing it on my terms. On my terms. Yeah, but that's king.

Yeah, that's the king. That's, you're right. That means that you're never going to hear me go, Hey, Jimmy, hi, can you help me with this? I'm doing a special for Netflix, and I'm trying to put the... No, get the fuck away from me. You'll never hear me say that, ever.

Again, hi, can you look at this bit because they're coming from Netflix? Go fuck yourself, you fucking Charlemont, cock sucker. The fuck is right. I'll never, that, that... You have no idea, guys. You have no idea how great it is to get off the stage

and some fucking witty, fucking agent comes up to you and says, Hi, I really like your set, but I wish you wouldn't occur, so you don't want the best thing about my set is you could go fuck yourself with your fucking faggy fucking glasses. You don't know nothing about it. If you had balls, you'd be out stealing for a fucking living. But meanwhile, you're fucking pimping out fucking comics to go around the world and put them in bad situations while you're at home eating fucking popcorn watching the Rams,

cock sucker. The fuck is wrong with these people. I used to love that. I used to love you to love with the kinds of guys of government. The managers would come up and they go, hey, I got a few notes for you. Go fuck yourself. If you had any notes, you'd be somebody, but you're too busy pimping out, fucking people. Dude, here's the greatest fucking story.

I'm getting ready to fucking tape my Spanagher. I'm producing my Spatio. My buddy coming into director, we got the fucking gear set up. I'm fucking putting the whole thing. You got to go, yeah, man, goes, yeah, I'll step in. I'll do this thing. You know, I go, yeah, well, you said you were going to do that. You never did it.

You said you're going to do that, you never did it. It goes just, you know, we've got a taken care of it. I'm not going to sit around and wait for you to fucking give me permission to go do. This was my plan all the long. I didn't need you. You went in? You didn't get in. And so he sits there that night.

He comes there and he's fucking sitting there eating like a fucking. The show sold out. We took out a bunch of front rows. There's a line out back shot at flappers. But they sell it up. They'll set the room the way we want to. And dude, this fucking guy comes over. And she goes, hey, listen, do you mind if I move you over to this table?

She goes, we're using every seat here, but you can sit at this table and finish your meal. And this guy throws a fuck. fucking hiss he fit and fucking storms out of the fucking joint like this and I was texting go bro I'm filming my I'm filming my special done like fucking 15 minutes the fuck are you doing he goes that fuck pissed me off I'm glad she wasn't a fucking network executive I wait three days and I send him a fucking emails that we're done I mean but but like like these are the kind of people you're fucking like you're gonna fucking that's what I'm saying like all this fucking shit all the stuff I know how to fucking produce this but I don't have to do I

I didn't need your fucking help. You volunteered. You told me you're going to finance you have to think. This guy was a fucking complete fucking douchebag. But you've wanted so many of those people in fucking show business. And if you don't know what the fuck you're doing, you'll let these charlatans lead you around. Hey, what should I do? Should I wear a sport coat?

Hey, put on a chicken outfit. You'll go up, the advice you've heard from these guys, these managers, like fucking parasitics. Even in the low level fucking guys would just like they could get to manage some of these comics and wait from the fucking become famous. And then they would fucking have to pay you off to get out of the fucking contract. That was their business plan. But I mean, it's kind of like, but you're surreal. All those kind of guys.

I had like three people call me as soon as I landed here. To manage you? Oh. Yeah. Oh. And it was fucking pathetic. And I felt bad for them. And all three of them had no clue what they were talking about.

Like, I, listen, I'll hear you out. Yeah. I'm the type of guy. You're buying lunch. I'll hear you out. I always got something to do. It's a quick lunch. It's a quick lunch.

I got to go. But I'll give you an opportunity. Right? That's what you do. You get people an opportunity. I sat with like three people and they were all three of them. Were like low level. You know,

at the same time, I wasn't looking for fucking Mr. Saturday night. Yeah. But I'm also looking for a kid who wants to make his bones. Yeah. You know, some guy that's like, you know what? Like Gittlin. Remember Gatlin.

Yeah, he reached out the other day. Yeah, I know. I always speak to him. I talk to Joe. I love him. We had the same manager. Jeff Gettlin? Yeah.

Fucking guy. If I had him five years ago, it would have been a different ball game. I would have slept that night. But he got out of the fucking business. Yeah. I told him that all time. I said, me and Diaz, when you come back in the bro. But can't get you come out of retirement.

I asked him once. And he's like, who manages you here? And he started calling people. I said, you want to go back to work about two years ago, right before the pandemic. And he's like, who's over there? You know, like, did you see the Sopranos when the father was going to build the house? Yeah.

For the daughter? Yeah, yeah. And the inspector came. And he's like, get on the horn with Pudgy Welsh. And he goes, Pudgy Welsh retired 15 years ago. Well, get on the home with Jimmy Schubert. Jimmy Schubert hasn't worked there in 30 years. Well, get me, Alan Alder.

Ooh, he retired about 15 years ago. That was Jeff Gallen. Yeah. And I was like Jeff here. That's it. Yeah, you can't. He was like the man, you know, he yelled. I was in the car with him one day,

and he was going off on a big time. She's huge now. He was going off on her about Billy Gardell because he believed in his clients. Yeah. It was me, you, Gardell, Nick DePaolo, I think, Calabo, Johnny Sanchez.

Johnny Sanchez. Yeah, they called him Batman's villains. Yeah, he said, yeah, that was our fucking, that was Batman's villains. And, Dog, when this guy believed in you, Like, I didn't, listen, I loved my agents that I was working with, but I really got a little upset last year,

and I told Jimmy when they got accused of things, and these so-called agents fucking run the other way. These guys are up your fucking ass, guys. Wait till you hit one day, and these guys are at your shows, lighting your cigarettes, laughing at all your jokes, but all of a sudden there's an accusation from some fucking crazy woman, and they'll call you up and go,

we can't manage you anymore. Well, fuck you then. Then what are we doing here? Look at what, look at, I mean, you look at that, you go, these are the people I count on at a time of crisis. And these people run, because you know why? Because they're guilty, because they knew it was going on, they didn't say anything. And you allowed it to go on instead of fucking pulling your client aside and fucking, you know, dude, I mean, you know, yeah, you've seen some stories over the years of different guys. And, you know, it's, uh, I didn't like it anymore.

And Jeff Gatlin really fought for us. Yeah, I like that. He ruined it. Dude, he ruined it because he did fight for him. Dude, this guy picks me, I flew in. Picks me up in his car, drives me to the fucking audition, sits for me, waits outside, and then fucking drops me off. I mean, like, and it's for a part.

I got the job. It was the Rob Williams, one-hour photo thing, and it would only work for like three fucking days, but still it was with Robin Williams. My scenes were Robin Williams. I get to fucking, you know, but I mean, dude, picked me up at the fucking airport, drove me to the gig,

waited for me to come out and drop me. I mean, look, that's a fucking real manager. I mean, you know, and people go, what do you want, like when people go, I don't know what, managers should be able to fucking organize. Like, you get a fucking voiceover career, you got a fucking movie career, you got a, this guy should be able to fucking coordinate

and organize all that shit and also fucking have you covered. You know, uh, yeah, it's, it's not that way anymore. We don't even, we don't even represent me up on a Sunday, took me to an audition. I snorted all my pay, so he took me to lunch.

He drove me to this audition that was no pay. The movie didn't pay, but he wanted the reel to get me another movie. And he got me to the other movie, and I never forgot him for that. We were tight. I love Jeff Gellon. If he told me something, I did it. He got me into auditions that I wasn't even in the neighborhood ready for. He got him an audition one time.

Shuber went out, got a little fucking tipsy. Went to the audition, fucked it up. He got him in the next day because he said Schubert had too much coffee. Do you remember? Oh, you know what it was? No, I was. I literally got up.

I worked with my action. It was 6 o'clock in the morning. And I was just, I really, like, I drank. Because I don't know if you know how, you know how nerve wrecking it is. You're walking in, and there's 30 people in a room that's like a one bedroom apartment.

And they're like, on top of you, you just signed a contract that says, if you get picked for this role, you're making $33,000 for the wrecking. fucking thing. You start getting the, you start getting the, you start getting the shit, start thinking about because you start to want it. And the minute you do that, you're fucked, but you make it too important.

You can't give anybody your power. What I say is you can't give them your fucking power. Look, I'm going to make my choice. I'm going to go in, and I work with this woman named Karen West. It was like the Vince Lombardi of fucking audition skills fucking cause. She's amazing. She's still in L.A. She works all the time.

Every time I turn on TV, I see her. She played, she worked with Robert De Niro. She's a fucking, you know, what it was Ivy. Yale drama school. I mean, just, anyway, she's a great, was a great coach, but I started booking everything with this late. Like, she's just, you know, you get a hold of a, but he did.

I got, on this one, I got too nervous, and I was like, it just snowballed. I remember you called me, go, let me tell you how good Jeff is, I fucked this audition up and he got me in there to read the next day, and that's, I'm telling you, man, we were spoiled with that motherfucker, and then when I went on with other people,

they were just terrible. Before we go, what do you think about Chappelle getting tackled last week? Because a bunch of people asked me, I don't even know how to fucking address it, so I'll give it to Jim and Shoe. Well, they really, well, first of all,

that dude got fucked up, they broke his arm. I mean, Jamie Fox was there. Jamie Fox, yeah, he came running out of there before anybody and stomped on the dude. And then the rest of the guys came running out. But, I mean, it's Dave Chappelle, man. Dave's got a crew in a posse.

that love him and yeah the guy uh like i was about time like the other thing is like that's the different difference between the will smith thing and that's that's completely different i think you know that guy but just you know the secure it'll be beefed up and even guys like i talk with dino some of these other bigger name acts that are coming you have to hire a bouncer for them down to the work the weekend now but you're setting a bad precedent if you just can't handle it stay out of the fucking comedy clubs really i mean you look it's it's you know I got to tell you, I'd feel bad for anybody who would do that at my show. I certainly wouldn't fucking Chris Rocket.

You'd probably get kicked. You'd probably get hitting the shim at the bottom of that mic stand. And then I would just, you know, I'm not going to give you a chance to come up and slap me. If you breach, if you breach, if you breach, if you breach that fourth wall, bro, I'm just going to, I'm going to assume now that I see what I've seen, I'm going to assume you're going to do something. I'm just, yeah, I'm not going to, if it happens, I hope, I hope it doesn't set a bad precedent. it's uh... crazy people out there guys a lot of people looking

it's a different fucking world you saw that guy he's mentally ill I mean who who brings a gun with a knife in it with no bullets no with no no no bullets

what was that I mean that was like that was like the stupidest thing you know the Hollywood bowl is a dangerous place because it's wide open yeah a lot of people don't know that you can just go up there in the daytime

put a gun under where you're going to sit it's wide open yeah it's a part of it's a part of it's a part of it's a part of it's a Mark, you could just put a gun under your seat. That's what I was thinking about. I know that, you know, it's a big stage. How did that guy run across to him? You know what?

When you're a comedian, you're focused and you're laser-beam, you don't really see that. You don't really see that. Dave Chappelle's a big guy, too. He's a big dude. Yeah, he's a big dude. He's a big dude. I just wanted to know what you were thinking about.

You think it'll happen again in the future. I hope it does. Certain comics, you know, attract that. certain comics don't attract it I got a knife sent to me I'll fucking put on an anti-splinter suit you know well it's I don't even worry about that shit

you go up there you tell your jokes you believe in what you believe in and there's always going to be some fucking crazy motherfucker who wants to challenge you and what are you going to do that's not the go man I'm going to make people laugh and have a good time and if you can't hit a laugh then maybe you shouldn't come but I think these people are doing it you know making everything political it's a state

it's not really they're just jokes If you can't laugh, you don't have a good sense. I feel bad for these people because, like, being able to laugh at yourself or having a good sense of humor, it connotates a manner of wellness because you're able to not take things so seriously. You know, and some of these people are just like, people just get so triggered so easily. What the fuck are you that? But they have a lot to be triggered about. The last two years way deep on people?

Yeah, it has. Between Black Lives Matter, the pandemic, losing jobs, mandates, a war, nobody knows, whether they come and are going. You know, I just got it together a few months ago, but it's a fucking cruel world out there. Yeah, I call it surviving the trauma of human existence. Like just trying to put fucking food on your table, make enough money to pay your fucking bills.

I mean, you know, and you don't, and you get the tools you get, and if you don't have them, you should develop them because it's a, you know, it's a motherfucker, bro. And live a life you want, man. Feed your soul, fill your head with beautiful. and enjoy your life, man. That's it.

Take care of yourselves, Cock Suckers. I want to thank Jimmy Schubert. Thank you, Joey. For making it happen on a beautiful fucking Monday morning here in the voodoo lounge

in New Jersey. Where are you at next week? I'm going out to Vegas. I'm doing the L.A. comedy club at the Stratosphere. Working my buddy out of Boston, Johnny Peasy.

I do some shows out there and then I'm going to head back. I got the rest of the month off. I'm going to relax. I'm going to do some... Go do some yoga. Get back on my... trainer start doing cardio hit the beach man play some golf enjoy my life i'm just uh you know like

you said i'm doing at my own i'm doing at my own pace now my own fucking pace it's all over guys i love you cocksuckers thank you happy monday and i'll see you motherfuckers wednesday morning tip tot magoo now for a word from my sponsors jack all right you bad motherfuckers i want to thank jimmy schuber for coming over the fucking house getting a slice of pizza i want to thank you guys for always having my back, but most importantly, I want to thank my two new sponsors, Beespoke Post. Listen, shake up your daily routine with Beespoke Post and their new box of awesome collections. I think this is great because you order and they send you something different every month when you're opening you like a little kid at Christmas. You know what was in my box this month?

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Stay black. And we'll see you, Coxuckers. Wednesday morning. Tip-top Magoo! With another fun-filled episode of the joint.