The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #162 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: May 11, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT..... It's Wednesday, May 11th.... This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by CBD Lion & Green Chef.…. Go to https://www.cbdlion.com Use Promo Code: JOEY For 20% OFF Your Order! Go to https://www.greenchef.com/joey130 Green Chef... The Number 1 Meal Kit for Eating Well… Use Code: JOEY130 for $130 OFF & Free Shipping! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #Onnit #CBDLion #GreenChef The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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That's green chef.com slash Joey 130. Use promo code Joey 130 because I'm going to save you 130 Green Chef the number one meal kit for eating well Let's get this party started It's a beautiful Wednesday Tarzan's What's happened you bad motherfuckers Uncle Joey here Wednesday the 11th of motherfucking May Where is this month going? I don't give a fuck

The cold weather's gone that's all I give a fuck about I ain't got none against the cold weather But this fucking neighborhood around here you need needed a hooded sweatshirt shirt at night to go anywhere. And if I go over the tenant road by the fucking softball field over there, that softball field in the words of Jim Florentine, that motherfucker is haunted, Jack. And not with ghosts, with cold air. They're cold fucking ghosts.

It could be, dog, I went there six weeks ago. No, I'm lying to you guys. Maybe four weeks ago on a Sunday. It was sunny all fucking day. Do you know when I got to the field? I sat there. The sun was fucking shining on tenant. But it was hailing on me.

What the fuck? That's haunted right there. Last night, beautiful all fucking day. I go over there for practice, fucking cold as fuck. The sun disappears when you get up. And either if the sun's out. I don't know what the fuck it is with that field. It's got like a suction on the bottom.

Like there used to be a town in Jersey called Midgetville. I don't know. Please. 82 up north by fucking Englewood clips up there. My friends found it. There's like a little town. It's just a bunch of little small people. and you go, we get fucked up at night,

take a head ass and go to fucking Midgetville and drive around. Then on the way back we would stop at Dracula's castle up there and then go with clips and look for Dracula. You got to be there, you know what I'm saying? You got to be a moron at that time. I was like 16. But what the fuck we talked? Oh, so, yeah, Midgetville.

So I don't fucking know where these places are anymore. I don't even know what they exist, but I will tell you something. And this is very weird that I think I've discussed this already, but there was also, when I was in 82, 81, if somebody wants to tell me where it is, but I'll let you know right now, there used to be a hill in northern New Jersey where if you put your car on neutral,

it would either pull you up or pull you down. I don't remember. I think it was pull you up. There's a city, a street in northern New Jersey, somewhere. If somebody remembers it, Twitter me, Patreon me, whatever the fuck you do, you park your car, you drive up to the thing, put your car in neutral,

and the thing would pull you the fuck up. So help me God, I was in the fucking car. I know, I was 180 at the time, but it pulled me and three other guerrillas up, and then you go right down the hill. You got to see it to believe it. These are the fucking things. You know how everybody says the seven mysteries of the world?

You don't need to go there. This is a mystery right there. It's like the smell on the turnpike when you're driving, on the 14, when you hit XIV in Jersey. It smells like cancer. a dead body and 10 dead fucking Puerto Ricans put together. Trust me, you could, you could bring scientists from the world. Don't ever find what that odor is.

That's the seventh wonder of the world. The odor on the Jersey fucking Turnpike. You understand me? I'm used to it now. Like people, you know, they just found the fucking grammar school or high school in Jersey. I know you motherfuckers. I know Mike saw this. Have over 100 cases of cancer.

you people are going to hear about this pretty soon. Some fucking great middle school. It's up northern New Jersey right now as we speak. The kids are fucking home. They're going to other schools because since 19 something, there have been 100 brain tumors and different types of cancer that people graduated from that fucking school. This only happens in Jersey, Jack,

because God knows what the fuck they bury down there. God fucking knows if these fucking savages bury it. anything not to save a fucking buck the other day I went somewhere I saw asbestos in Jersey I saw asbestos at like a fucking hardware store like the ceiling was down

like one of those things fell and the asbestos is just hanging there and people under their smoke and sound like what the fuck but then again you're in Jersey the seventh wonder of the world don't get me wrong I love living here

I love the odors you know well you get used to all that shit on the turnpike I remember one time we stayed in the city and we had to do a UFC somewhere, like in Philly or something. We were doing a show, so then Brogan goes, let's just go to Philly.

And we got on Route 3, and I showed him my grammar school. And if you keep going, I'll never forget this. There was like into Sea Caucus. We got stuck in traffic, and there was like a puddle in a thing, and it had algae groaning. And I go, Joe and Ari were in the car. I go, you see that puddle?

That's cancer. That's what that is. Over the years, they've just dumped and dumped and dumped. Listen, we can talk about this for fucking hours, but guys, it's going to become a national story soon. It hasn't caught wind yet. I mean, they talk about it every night on the news here locally about the school, the tumors, but that's fucking insane. Anyway, who gives the fuck about tumors? It was a great weekend.

It was a great week. We gave you guys a couple in-house guests. I'm really happy that COVID is gone, and now I can see the light a little bit with some guests. People aren't scared. I got some other guests coming in studio. I got some great Zooms. We'll be coming like a hybrid podcast. It's either solo, Zoom, or a fucking in-house guest.

And in time, we'll spread this out a little more and get this more feasible. I, you know, every week I look at the fucking online. Somebody sent me, my realtor sent me something to look for like an office. The lady who sold me the house is always like sending me shit every week. There's nothing. It's You know A friend of mine suggested

He was thinking And I'm moving into the area And I just said You know what? I'll take a look I'm not good at looking For apartments And on there that stuff

But I went on there Dog, they're charging All the dough For rents I mean the money Situation is getting wild It's funny

Saturday night I'm watching You know I bet Olivera After the fucking thing I didn't You're not going to make any money on Olivera

It's just to tell people You bet Olivera The money was on Gagey. And I bet Elvera, and I, you know, I didn't know what he was going to do. Gagy has been talking a big game for a while now. You know, beside that, Gagy can hit hard in a fucking truck. You know, once he starts going, he starts going. The thing about, I'm a fan of Gagy's, but Gagy either beats the living shit out of you

or he just looks like a bus hit him, like after a fight, because he puts everything in there, you know? that was one of the most exciting fights I've fucking seen in years I didn't even care if I lost I listen when I watch those fights I bet $10 sometimes just to watch the fight that cheer for somebody last week I started betting totals

like I bet the total on the Rosemma the most boring fight in the fucking world I got no disrespect for those two girls at all their coaches were telling them to fight a strategic fight to wait for the booze to be patient and everybody was crucifying

Listen, it happens. Not all fights could be fucking, you know, super unknown. But the Charles O'Levara fight was fucking tremendous. And I got on Twitter, and I'm like, fucking, you know, Charles O'Levary, just give them back the belt. See, they did that thing with a half a fucking pound. That kid's a straight as a fucking hour. And then they made them test the scale again. Then people started fucking fighters started calling them up going, Charles.

What the fuck? That scale is defective. than Dana took the title. You guys see when he does these little moves like that, what he's trying to do. He's trying to make fucking room for our boy. But I got to tell you something. After those fights Saturday night,

I'm a kind of fan. I respect his power. I respect what he's done in the game. But guys, I don't see him coming back against those three. Either Chandler, either Olivera, or Gigi for that matter. I mean, I don't know what's going on with Tony, uh, Okakuwi.

my, you know, my fucking the best to him. I see Olivera put out his hand to help him train. Cacui's got a lot of talents somewhere in there, sometimes in your career, sometimes in life, dog you go blink. You can't be fucking great every day. You can't

be Superman every day. Once you realize that, it'll make your life a lot fucking easier. You can't be Superman every day. So I hope he gets it together. But the interesting thing happened, I put Olivera giving back the fucking bell. and then I put something on there about,

I go, Cona McGregor, because every fucking fight, every time there's a fucking fight, I got to wake up on Sunday to Connor McGregor fucking laying into fighters who actually fought the night before.

Who actually fought the night before? Guys, listen, I took a little hiatus on what I love and what I do. But at the same fucking time, I'm not sitting. Every Sunday, I don't wake up and go, did you guys go to Segura's show?

Did he say the same jokes? Did you guys see Rogan? I'm not fucking cheering him away. He's like cheering him away. They just like he fucking opened up on Gagie Sunday. Like Gagey needs that. That he got beat up. So I just put Paul McGregor's at home shadow boxing.

You know, and I just put it out. And the next morning I wake up, people like, Connor McGregor fucking replied to you, all this shit people. He's mad at you. He's not mad at me. It's a fucking, yeah. Yeah, he replied of a car going on to a speedboat, you know. And I loved it.

I must have got fucking 200 more followers. Just from Kind of McGregor tweeting your back. I mean, it's insane, you know. And it's so funny, you get the cliche things, you know, from some of his lovers. Like, he's at home with a lot of money. You know, guys, I'm really happy that there's still people that think this way. Guys, I know 10 depressed millionaires. I know 10 depressed millionaires in real life.

I know 10 millionaires right now that are losing. Their fucking minds. I can say who they are, D, and you could just go on Instagram and look for yourself. But money does not buy you happiness. You know, I cheer for my guys that are out in the road. I speak to Ari every week. I talk to Burt. I talk to Tom.

I talk to my friends. I talk to Eric Roach. I talked to DiAgostino. I called them up to congratulate them on the Netflix as a joke festival. I try to bring up these guys. I don't call people just to blow smoke on their. If I like you and I think you're doing something, I fucking try to bring you up, you know. And that's my will for it.

I got nothing against Connor, you know. I know it must be tough for him to watch these guys flourish and grow. You know, he's at home lifting weights, but he's not on the mat. Or maybe he's hitting pads. I don't know. He's got to be doing something because he's fighting in July. He's got to pick an opponent. Something's got to go down.

But I didn't mean me in no disrespect. But it got to. Let me know about how people feel out there where it comes to like you guys. And listen, don't feel bad. I was the same thing. I always thought that money bought you everything. Like in our minds, we are built as Americans, I think. As Americans, I know for sure.

But as Americans, we are raised to believe that money will give us all these fucking things. You know, I can't. I feel so bad for women right now. women are in a tough situation because it was like I was talking a friend of mine the other day we were talking about phones kids phones and he's like how do you control

mercy's phone use and I go there ain't no fucking phone I go she gets a play phone on the weekends to play games on I don't download and listen we have a game guy in L.A any game she wants my wife will call the guy and the guy goes she can't

download that it's not good so we got a lead on all that shit I a couple months ago I went at the dinner and I noticed that my wife my daughter didn't lift the head up one time and I told my wife when we got home tomorrow morning the phone gets yanked no more at restaurants

none of that shit because you really got to watch gotta watch all that shit you know but like I feel my buddy said to me I had to give my daughter a phone because she's got friends and her friends got phone and the kid feels bad it's like

so I go oh it's like us growing up with bad sneakers like when I was growing up if you wore fucking shop right sneakers you got rocks thrown at you you every day you see two kids running the little tranny kid and the little kid with cheap sneakers because people throwing rocks of them and shit you know what I'm saying it's a fucking nightmare it's a nightmare when I was growing up if you didn't have the right shoes oh boy would they lay into you if your sneakers slip and slide take them back to panty pride that type of shit like kids will say that she in class I think one time my mom got me like wrong kids like I

I asked her for pro-Keds. And this is fucking second grade in New York City. 1960 fucking nine. My mom got me Keds instead of pro-Keds. Oh, my God. You thought I killed somebody how much they torture me. They chased me home. They threw things at me.

You had to wear pro-Keds or fucking Chuck Taylor's. That was it. If you don't have those two, you got tormented. You wouldn't even wear sneakers because you knew. You just wore combat boots because you knew they're going to talk. There were kids. There were so many kids that wore fucking tap dancing shoes or jails. because they got torture.

You can't. No, no, no. And don't even think of wearing colored socks. They got to be white. They got to be white, dog. Don't come in here. No, don't come in here with your black socks. Those are, that's a real.

That's, like, if you go to the cop, like if the cop says to you, why'd you mug them? We have black socks on. I get it. I would have mugged them, too. You know, I grew up in the 70s. If you had black socks on with sneakers, they take it to the side. Let's have a talk. Are you retarded or what?

Oh, my God. Like the ones our dads used to. to wear. I used to go to my friend's house and their dads would have box of shorts to the fucking leg above the knee and then the sock an inch under it. Like where the fuck are you going with that? And now I know they're like arthritis socks or blood pressure socks. I didn't fucking know back then. I'm like, why does he have your father? Why has he got socks to his knees? I don't know. He's retarded. Leave him alone. But it's so weird how people really think that money buys you fucking happiness. Like it really doesn't. It helps out.

I'm not going to tell you doesn't help out But if you think you're gonna feel better Like if you lost a mom Do you think you feel better If you bought a $50,000 car See you see what I'm saying here Nothing replaces that You think if your child

Gets hurt Or something like that You think by going and buying a gold bracelet It's gonna make it better You know The only thing I like about money Is one fucking thing If you're a woman

You got two choices in life You could suck dick in a One bedroom apartment You could suck dick in a mansion. That's up to you. I heard that years ago. I don't even know what I'm saying it. But it's fucking made sense to me back then.

But you think about it, guys. All these guys you see with money, Elon Musk, all these guys. I hope you don't think that they wake up in the morning and they got fucking, they're walking on clouds. They got shitty lives just like us, guys. And sometimes those lives are shittier because they can't come out and really say what's going on with them. What if Elon Musk got a one-inch dick? Why have $44 million if you got a one-inch dick? You ever think about that?

So don't ever wake up in the morning thinking, oh, he's got it better than me. Look at women. Every woman in America, if you're young, has been influenced by the Kardashians in some way. More importantly, Kim. You know, she's got the world by the ball. She dates music artists. She hangs out with this guy, that guy, the other guy. It's pretty fucking impressive if you're a young girl.

You want to grow up to be like fucking Kim. So what do you do? Have a fucking sex tape. Did you see what happened last week? The sex tape was a fucking fix. The mom orchestrated it. I mean, come on. Like I told you guys a long time ago,

the California family bond is non-existent. It's just bullshit. It's just a family to have a family. When your own mom pimps you out, that's how she became a star with a fucking porno tape. But anyway, it's not here or there. We're talking about the happiness money brings you. And even them, I mean, even Kim Kardashian,

she's a fucking gazillionaire. She's had what? four weddings already? Four marriages already. Where's the happiness? Now she's on to another guy. How long would that last? He's another Hollywood guy.

I got nothing against Pete, but think about it. Happiness is having a husband, a loving husband who loves you no matter what. It's having a great fucking wife. That's happiness. Happiness isn't fucking, but money can't buy you that. But we,

as Americans, always go, well, if I had fucking money, this would be different. Guys, I know 200 fucking millionaires and a hundred of them don't know what to do how did they become a millionaire who knows families

some of them fucking worked who the fuck knows but you know you see them and it's not the answers to their fucking problems they think it is

for you listen Joey why did you rob the guy because he had two kilos of coke it was going to give me that head bump I had been waiting for I was 27 years old 26 years old whatever the fuck I was

and I needed a little bump to get ahead. Now, I always knew that even with the bump, I would snort the bump. You know what I'm saying? Like, if Mike came to me tomorrow, he's like, Joey, I'm 22. I'm in a fucking pinch. I'm gonna get out of my mother's house, blah, blah, blah, blah. If I give him 15 and then he goes and snorts it, you know, I'm saying, I can't help him. So I was in the same boat. I was always looking, you know, I always thought that having a testeroza would get you women and having all. Guys, it doesn't do shit for you. And I saw it firsthand in LA. I went to houses that would blow you to fuck out of the water. And these guys did not know what to do with it. In fact, it makes it worse. It makes a worse. And I tell you who I was around for a long time.

And he showed me that money didn't buy happiness. And his name was Ralphie Mae. Ralphie Mae bumped into money, got rest of soul. That motherfucker went off the rails in a great. way. I mean, I was thinking about this the other day. I remember when he first hit. Like, he went on the road for like six weeks. I didn't see him.

And he would call me and tell me stories about how much they were paying him and how much he was laughing in their faces and shit because these guys wouldn't pay him. They didn't respect them as a fat fuck. You know, for Ralphie, he was always embarrassed of being from Arkansas. Like, he grew up dirt poor.

People grew up dirt poor. They grew up with a fucking chip on their back. People grow up dirt poor. I'm talking about dirt poor. They grow up with a chip in their back. You can't take that memory away from that. That memory burns in your fucking soul.

It burns. Trust me. I have other memories that burn in my soul. But being poor, I know people have been poor. And when you talk to them, like my uncle and my mom, they were poor in Cuba. When my mom used to tell me stories, I didn't believe them. My uncle confirmed them.

They were poor. They were nine fucking kids in a little apartment with in the house in the living room. There weren't even enough blankets for all them. They'd have to share fucking blankets at night. And every night they didn't have air condition. I had to sleep with the window open. So carrying bugs would land on them.

Charian bugs, the ones that make the noises, I'm not saying it right. You know, I'm not a fucking scientist. Some cicadas. Something was landing on them making noises. It was horrible. My uncle, you said my uncle for an hour, eat lunch at him, and he'll tell you stories of poverty

that you can't fucking believe people went through it. But when he told me all that, it explained my mother's spending. It explained my mother's way of life and explained to me why she was like that. She never wanted to be in that position ever again. Once you're poor and you get out, those motherfuckers become counterfeiters. They start printing money. They do. They really do start printing fucking money because they don't ever want to be in that position again.

And Ralphie was one of those guys. But Ralphie also drug in a certain sadness. You know, he didn't grow up only poor. He grew up fucking fat. So they were blowing him up because he was fat and because he was poor. I mean, Ralphie was dirt, fucking poor. And guys, when he got an envelope,

he went off the fucking rails. I loved it because I like to see people happy like that. But then as the years progressed, I could tell when he would come get me on Mondays, when he would come back. We would talk, man. We would talk the way two real people talk, not a comic Ralphie. It was just him telling me about what was happening out there and the sadnesses he had. And even after all that money, yes, it was a band-aid for about two years and helped him forget it pass for about two years. But guess what?

That pass is always with you. When I look in the mirror, when I go to the bathroom in the one, I take a piss, I look at the mirror, I go, boy, you're getting uglier. But I also see that there's a pass there. We know it. And it pops up from time to time and it bothers you and aggravates you. You know, whatever the fuck it does. You know, it motivates you. For me, it motivates me.

You know, a friend of mine is going through a tough patch. He's getting a lot of anxiety the way I was getting it. So he reached out, you know. And I had to break things down for him and what? Like he goes, when you start. started reaching, were you going to be a star? And I go, no. I was very ashamed that I had done time. I still am. That's why I always make jokes about it, because that's, it's like the other day when I go, it's my mother's anniversary of hell. And some people gave me shit for that. Listen, when it comes to

painful things, you always have to throw some joke in there to fucking, you know, to relieve the pain. It's like when you get whipped with a belt. It doesn't hurt you when you work. It with a belt. It hurts you a couple minutes later when it starts to swell up if you put the cream on it real fucking quick it doesn't start to swell up that's what we try to do you know but i saw ralphi how sad he was at the end like i always tell people dog ralphi at the end died of a broken heart and all the money in the world couldn't mend that so to the people who were saying you know it was like two or three people that said at least he drove to the game tonight he drove to whatever all the money he has if you went to mcgregor and took the whiskey away and go let me talk to you man to man

would you rather have the hundred million would you rather be in that card tonight with michael chanler and fucking olivera doing your thing and smacking bitches you'd be surprised to what he fucking say to you if he was really being heartfelt and honest and everybody wants to be in the big fucking arena nobody wants to be down For me, I wanted to get the fuck out of the light. I didn't give a, my wife asked me, I said, you go, not at all. I want to dissipate from that. You know, I want to move away from that.

But that doesn't give me the right to wake up on Sunday mornings and go, who went to see fucking George Perez last night in Indiana? You got beat. It's a bad performance. I never did that. I never did that at all. I wouldn't even think of doing that. If anything I call these, these guys, hey, listen, when you're a comic,

you're fucking, like the other talks I used to have with Ralphie, on Saturday mornings. That's why every Saturday morning, about 10.30, I was looking, when I look at the phone, I think about Ralphie. Every Saturday. Every Saturday, Ralphie pops back into my life as a reminder that that was our little personal time.

He'd probably go to bed at two or three. He'd probably eat like two boxes of those jalapeno puppies he liked. He would go to bed at two or three, and when he first got up at seven the fart or the fucking pee, after he finished, he called me, asked me, I was doing what my struggles were, and we just chit-chat,

A dog and none of those struggles was, did he say, after this weekend I pick up $50,000, I'm not going to be depressed about this anymore. Not at all. He still had the daily, everyday struggles. And it was because of Ralphie, by watching Ralphie, I slowed down my pace for the quest of being greedy and all that shit in L.A. Because I didn't want all that stuff to get in my way and to kill me. There's no, listen, there's no reason to lose. your life like that. He was heavy. He wasn't healthy. And they put him out there. And for years, I kept sitting them down going, Ralphie. But that eating, that's pain, guys. When you keep eating

like that, that's pain. How do I know? Because I was there. I was fucking there. In 2007, when I got clean, then a year later, when I went to Weight Watchers, I didn't do all that shit because I wanted to be Johnny Bananas. I did that shit because the pain was gone. The pain I had endured all those years earlier had been fucking gone. So it was, or the pain had, how do you say lessened? Disciated. That's the word I'm looking for.

Thank God I got my man Mike here because I easily forget. My man, Chris Komosey, who's a fucking savage. I love this guy. Always putting out fucking self-defense videos. Call me a few weeks ago and he goes, Joey, I want to send you something. Let me know what you think.

Guys, everybody sends me something. and they got to let them know what I think and then I got to be embarrassed. Dog, he sent me this fit for life. I'm going to give you a couple of take home. The fucking orange cream? Holy shit. Zero motherfucking calories, BCA's,

protein. This is the fucking future. He's not my sponsor. I'm just trying to tell you what's a good fucking product. If you see it somewhere, give it a try. I think he sent me lemon lime and the orange cream. I had not tried the lemon lime,

but I've had about six of these motherfuckers. is orange greens. And I tell you what really got me going on this today was I've been doing podcasts. I want, I'm like, Felicia, 10 years, right? Yeah, after every podcast, somebody has something to say to you. They agree with you, maybe they disagree with you, whatever.

You know, you get a couple per podcast. But in all my 10 years of podcasting, I never got as that many emails as I did in all the fucking forums from fucking Facebook to Twitter a couple people hotmailed me a couple people messaging me

it was overwhelming about the fucking talk we had about finances with me and Lee that day guys it was fucking overwhelming like all right if I get 10 emails on the subject. Joey, we like that. They'll mix it in with something else.

Like, are you really going to the laugh factory? You know, it's always something. No. These were people going, dog, we're happy. You fucking talked about that. I've been banging my head off the wall. I can't sleep. And that's what I told people.

Thinking about all that shit destroys you. Destroys you. Destroyed you. I know it destroyed me when I was younger. When I would, a lot of people don't remember. I've said this for years is that fucking. I had ulcers when I was 20. And those ulcers were not caused from pain.

Those ulcers were caused about my future. I was one of those jerk-offs, okay? You know, everybody has a different fucking weakness. I was one of those guys. I had nothing going to fuck on, but I always thought about my future. And I remember the specific point. What happened was I gave up a job making 140 a day as a bookmaker. 140 plus.

That's where the job started. Some days I take 220 home. tip some days at the 180 but it was always 140 7 days a week listen even in these times that's not a bad fucking job for a 20 year old man a kid a fucking moron so I would meet them in sea caucus at the Howard Johnson's

because they used to have salt water taffy we get two eggs baking the whole fucking works and then me and the guys would get some saltwater taff we get in the fucking route 3 drive to 118th street and 3rd Avenue we don't open up our little fucking bodega and right there we'd start slinging fucking numbers people would come in and then I'd have to go to different locations to pick up money blah blah blah

I had a great job guys and when I got on the work I was right there I had to walk three blocks over here to pick up a G-bow powder and I had to walk two blocks over there and I got a fucking $20 a bag of tieweed I was in my fucking glory but I knew that if you know anything about me or if I know anything about you motherfuckers you're not going to look for another job when you have those type of jobs and pretty soon you're going to be there five years but you're going to be there 10 years and then when you're there 10 years when you're 31 years old

there's going to be a fucking raid and now you're going to have bookmaking on your fucking resume which is a misdemeanor in New York, no big fucking deal but now you're going to go to Rouse or you're going to go to Costco or you're going to go to ShopRite

or you're going to go to any corporation to apply for a job and they're going to go where have you been for the last 10 years so tell me about your job. What are you going to say? I've been marketing numbers. What are you going to say? So I knew that wasn't going to work for me. I thank God at that age, I had figured that to fuck out.

That someday I'm 31, that's not going to happen in 10 years from now. But all that thinking used to make me bleed out of my asshole. Let's just get to that shit. That's how bad my fucking ulcer was. When you have blood coming out of your ass, you're thinking too fucking much. So that's the point I was. That's why I want to let you youngsters know. Don't fucking think.

Do. Because when you think about your future, How are you going to buy a house? How are you going to buy a car? How are you going to keep this woman happy? She wants diamonds. And you want to keep eating her ass. It tastes like flowers.

But you know it costs you 800 a week just to have this fucking torture chamber around. And you got to fucking function as a man. You don't want to drive a $200 fucking car everywhere. That's good when you're 18. You're delivering fucking, you know, whatever the fuck haircuts or whatever the fuck you're delivering nowadays. You can make a fucking 80,000 a year not delivering cars. You don't need any fucking skill.

And I ain't mad at you I mean listen If this was 40 years ago And I didn't want to do stand-up I was delivering Chinese food What the fuck are we talking about I delivered Chinese food And sold coke for years

And the nights hours off from there I would double at Domino's Because they were giving me like 15 a mile They were open late You dealt with college kids They gave you a reef for whatever But that's not the fucking point So I got a fucking also

When I was 20 I'll never forget I quit that job And maybe a year later I'm a snow mass village and I'm in this fucking 60 year old doctor and he's fucking feeling my stomach. He took x-rays.

He made me drink this green shit. And he goes, you got an ulcer, man. You got to stop thinking. And I go, what are you thinking about? What the fuck you're thinking about? I'm a doctor. I'm 20. I got no high school diploma.

I got no high school college education. I got nothing going on. What the fuck am I going to do with my life? And he's like, just stop thinking, write a plan and pace it the fuck out. You know, the only people ask me like, how do you buy a house? Guys, this is my first house.

I wasn't eligible. buy the house? They would have thrown them. Talk. If they do a background check, don't they look at the house? They would have said, come here. What are you looking at the house for? You need a shack, chubby. You don't need a fucking house. You got no credit.

But I know that my wife is a very good saver and we made a plan to put away money for the future and it was a certain amount. And then I realized that I couldn't do anything with the other amount she gave me so I donated

that too. I go, I'm just living off the fucking flights. For a long time, when you book a plane ticket through a comedy club, they'll give you like, I don't know, $700 for a plane ticket, $500 for a plane ticket. You don't know that I was living off those $500 that asked me, do you want your plane ticket involved in your cash? And I go, no, give me the plane ticket cash and keep you. I was living off that plane ticket. That's how I paid for gas. I went on the road if I got like $1,200 and cash, that's how I lived the month. Like, I don't, it's not that we're going out every night or anything like that. I like to eat good and stuff like

that, but I don't want to be in a restaurant every night. I'm not one of those guys, even for my daughter's comedian party. I told my wife, I do not want to be in a restaurant at 12 o'clock and a catering hall. We're doing it in the fucking yard. And thank God it was two weeks ago, and it was sunny and the birds were chirping. Last weekend we got,

I thought I was fucking Ola. I thought I was Noah. It rained here so fucking much. I went out that, tied to one day. It was three inches in my garbage can. I'm like, Jesus, that fucking rains in Jersey. But the main thing is just get a plan together. You know, listen, I was dead serious when Lee was here. I saw something that these companies are coming in and buying all these houses,

$100,000 over fucking whatever, just to get them off them. They don't even care what their houses look like. They're buying these houses unseen. So I'm going to tell you something, guys, you got maybe, honestly, I mean, I studied economics in college, but I'm not an economist. You guys got about three years to buy a house. Three, four years. Interest rates are going up, you know, unless you got a ton of money that I'm not going to let you buy a house.

That's not by coincidence, guys. That's by design. They don't want you to own anything. They want all you guys that are coming up now, not to own a fucking thing. But you're going to dazzle. You're going to start buying fucking land. I don't give a fuck what you do. There's a piece of property around the corner there.

I called the guy two weeks ago. Just see what it is. Like they said in the Sopranos, God ain't making any more land. There's a fucking shitty house by the rec center I saw the other day. For sale by owner. Get four of us and buy it. Tear that fucking house down and just, it's like a, that's a real investment. That's a real investment.

I wouldn't mind having a piece of fucking land. That's a real fucking investment. You don't get it, surveyed, make sure you could build on it, make sure there's not a wild life. reserve you know so i mean yeah you got about three or four years to buy something and you can buy anything i'm suggesting right now buy anything you can i don't care what it even looks like i don't even care what it looks like if you're young right now guys i would be fucking putting money away is this something that i did no i invested in cocaine i was a fucking moron you guys have a chance to invest and get yourself

out of this. Listen, guys, there was nothing more scary to me than getting old. There was nothing scary to me when I knew that I couldn't use my back anymore to make a living. I mean, if my daughter was starving and my wife couldn't get a job, I'd have to go out and fucking build a wall or be a laborer for a concrete company and stuff like that. Do you really think I could do that at 59? Well, I hope you've fucking got confidence in me because I don't. carrying wheel barrels and shit and cat my buddy's putting roof on around the corner I went over there Sunday and just tried to climb on the ladder a little bit I'm like whoa it's a different fucking world well guess what guys the last 10 years I prepared for

this but before then I used to sit there and watch all these retirement commercials you ever see like you know do you have enough to retire and I go what the fuck are you talking about and I would just go I hope when I'm fucking like 55 I just punched a ticket because this is never going to happen in my life. Thank God it did. Thank God I have a good wife that we decide to put away money. You know, I fucking hated putting money away. I hated it. And it was the best advice given to me, guys, when I was a kid, you could walk into a bank and start a Christmas club. Do you know I read something about a year ago about a guy in New York that took all his Christmas clubs from like 15 years, put them together and bought like property. And they just, I forget the name,

of the property I was built on it. The guy was a multimillionaire when he was 30 years old because he saved all those Christmas clubs. I don't even think banks do Christmas clubs. You walk into a fucking bank, you go listen, I want to start a Christmas club. How much do you want to put away a week? 20.

Not a bad Christmas club at the end of the year. And they mail you a check on the 20th. You tell them, can I get my check on the 20th? You would run that through a bank. And every year they would get, I know I'm talking about it. Joey, ask me,

how many fucking Christmas clubs did you do? One, because then I took the money out after I hit 30 bucks for a fucking toy or something. Because I like to spend all my money. I was one of those idiots. I didn't stop to the last penny.

And then I go, where's the money at? But as you get old and you see how people live in L.A., you know, I know people in L.A. that don't make that much money, but they got four fucking heavy-duty cars.

Somebody's got to make those fucking car payments, you know, so I don't want to, I don't want to The fight club makes a lot of sense You don't want the things you own to own you It gets to a point in your life Where you're just going to work

To pay off the boat The car, the TV The mistress, the mistress's kid The drummer from this band You know, you have all this And right now, guys, If you're young, 24, 25, I mean, listen, when I was 24 and 25,

I didn't look at anything. But times are changing, guys. And if you really want to make a stake, in this fucking world, in this fucking life right now early. Because by the time you're 40, like me, like when I woke up out of my cocaine coma, at least I woke up out of that coma and caught the last 10 years of a life

and I tried to salvage something. I really did try to salvage something. That's what I did. And I did okay. But you know what? That's not good enough anymore. That's not good enough anymore, guys. You can't live the way I did.

It's a different time in this world. you know Mike's got to be putting money away for his children Mike works fucking weddings on Saturday I know that money is not to fucking go to strip clubs you know it's for weddings and fucking this and that you know you always spend Michael tell you we're always spending two kids two kids two kids listen there ain't enough money in the world when you got two kids

okay there ain't enough money in the fucking world so having a family now owning a home and all these things is a different fucking world. So if you're in college right now, if you're 22, listen, if I met you 20 years ago when you were 22 and you're going, Uncle Joey, what's the best advice I give you? I'd be like Tom Hanks.

Don't get the clap. What does that mean? Sling dig, get a job, get high, do whatever the fuck you want. I wouldn't give you that advice anymore. I give you the advice to approach everything with caution and get two jobs, whatever, until you get your fucking hustle going,

whatever it could be, house painting. Your own thing. You know what I'm saying? Like that second job you have at night from five to eight, that money's all banking. That's all going into the bank to help you get your fucking dream going.

Whatever that fucking dream may be. So you sit on and you go to yourself, how much is it going to cost me to get this fucking thing started off the ground without a 30, thousand dollar headquarters you know what I'm saying let's be honest here don't come to me and say Joey we're looking for investors me and my friends want to put together a Spanish grateful deadband we need about 30,000 to record the first album we really wanted to have a

sound so we wanted to be in the Bahamas really so you're looking for donations to send you to the fucking Bahamas let's do this why don't we cut the Bahamas out and we shoot in fucking Newark New Jersey and I'll get a couple of Bahamians to come over and cook and fucking play bongos and you could feel that vibe. I'll get them in for 25 an hour, I'll get them in for two hours a day just to help you

with that vibe. But why are you figuring out $20,000 to recording an album in the studio on Ireland when you're putting a GoFundMe page together. You're looking for fucking investors. That's my friend. I raise my hand right there. So if you're looking to start a business and you're telling me, well Joe, we need a fucking corporate office. I need

80,000 square feet. Listen, take that dream, get a needle. pop it like my stomach like mitsy sure used to pop my stomach it's never got a pad out for you let's start small here let's start small here when you you see this podcast studio when i came here it was covid there was covid people were fucking dying don't touch me everybody was walking around like a fucking vampire i really wanted to go to asbury park at that time when i got here john around the corner had a little office in nashbury park on the second floor i'm like what am i going to get an office for ain't nobody going to come to it at asbury park ain't nobody going to fucking

come through it right then and now so what did you want me to do fucking just go out and rent the huge studio and lights and three staff members yeah that's great but i'm an e-com major bitch you know what's saying the numbers don't add up what's coming in is less than what's going out so let's figure it to go in and less that's going to fuck out so we started here a couple more guests in here COVID clears up in the summer you know i'm gonna be looking for even if i turn that fucking garage into a fucking studio with air conditioning. I want something a little bigger and shit like that, but that's what I'm talking about.

You know, start small. Make a website. Learn about what the fuck you're doing and your business. I mean, listen, I'm not an investor. I would love to tell you, you know, invest in Amazon, you know, buy Netflix. I don't know anything.

I know, you know what I know hard work. I know putting your money away. I know making goals. I mean, figuring. the fuck out. You know, when I was in debt all those years, you know, you know, I always cracked this joke, but it's a true story. When I was doing cocaine, I'd become a mathematician. I don't know what it was about cocaine towards the end. I would sit there and write fucking pages of math. Like, how long is it going to get to me, if I make 200 a week, how long would it

get me to get out of his debt? Like, I was one of those idiots. What if I paid 400 a week? even though I knew I couldn't pay $400 a week in my head, but I opened up my mind to that. So there were certain weeks when, yeah, Joey snorted Coke with three hands, but Joey also had to make those payments. If you look at my credit today, guys, I should have gone belly up in 93, but I disappeared.

I went and got a pager. The credit call stopped. Nobody was looking for me, and it took about eight or nine years of me not. I had one credit card. If I spent a dollar, I'd have to pay $250 on it. You know what I'm saying? If I bought, if I took my wife to a restaurant,

spent $250, if my limit was $500, I'd get a call in three weeks that my limit was $500. Because my thing would double that high on interest. Because I had no credit. Don't fuck your credit up. Yeah, you can salvage it, but you got to live like a mutt for 11 years. And when you go to a hotel,

you got no credit card to check in. So you've got to check in with a fucking payable visa card from Costco. They got to load up. No, don't fuck up your credit. And those fucking school loans, bitch, let me tell you something. I beat them for 2625. I thought I beat those motherfuckers for 2625. The first time I put $2,000 in my bank account,

that shit went right to Washington, D.C., and they contacted me immediately. Uncle Joey O. 2625 plus interest. I had to hire an attorney to knock the point saw because it had been a loan. from 1990. Yeah, guys, the federal

government don't go away. They're like the IRS. How do you think all these motherfuckers end up in jail? They go to those Comic-Conns and they take those dollar bills for those autographs. And there's a motherfucker over there with sunglasses that you think is blind. He's watching. He's like, there's Mike signing autographs

a 10 apiece. There goes one, two. Two weeks later, you're at home, jumping up and down. I'm going to Comic-Con Hawaii. Bling! It's the government. We saw you, Comic-Com, Minneapolis, pocketing $3,000. Where's our fucking money?

You did 15 of those last year. So we're just going to assume you made $3,000 on those motherfuckers. So fan over that $45,000, and you're like, whoa, dog, pay your fucking bills so you don't have to live like a fucking mutt like I did for 10 years

under the radar with a pager. I don't know about the taxes. They take time to catch up with you, but they will. I'm only kidding you. Pay your fucking taxes, cock-suckers. But let me tell you something. this is something that happened to me that

I did not know. Why didn't I know that? Because for life, everybody scares the fuck out of you. I think this life I knew for me, everybody all my life tried to scare the fuck out of it. And it's not until you fucking go, you know what? I'm not scared no more.

And then you're like, why'd these motherfuckers scare me for? This wasn't shit. Motherfuckers have been scaring me all my fucking life. What were we talking about? Taxes. About taxes. When I started coming, I got divorced in 91. I got a fucking, what do you call those W-9s?

I got a W-9 for a lot of money. And I was sitting in front of the tax paperwork. And I'm like, this just came in the mail. If I just send this in, I got a check for about 800. But if I send this in with the check, I'm going to owe my life. I don't have fucking $8,000, $9,000. So I took the sheet of paper, and I ripped it up.

I threw it away, and I sent the taxes. And guess what? They actually sent me my little 800. And I cashed the dog fast and a rat dog. I basically took it out of the mailman's hand and ran to that fucking banking bowl, and I cashed it because I thought they were going to get me on that 60 Gs, 70 Gs. I just said, fuck it.

And guys, let me tell you something. credit went sour it broke my heart i i think i cried for a month straight i was disgusted people had given me credit and i had spit in their face i i felt fucking horrible so i would send 40s and 60s but you're never going to catch up you're never going to get it you know it's like en vogue you're never going to get it you're never going to fucking catch up and you're petrified and i just didn't pay fucking so guys i stopped paying taxes from 1990 i didn't pay a dime and i just didn't pay a dime and i just hit on the ground till 2001.

I met Terry in 2000 and Terry asked me if I was doing taxes like we were together about nine months and I'm like taxes, fuck that and she's like, dog her head almost blew up. She's like, Joey, you got to do your taxes. I'm like, I'm not doing shit. And the first year I didn't do

him. And she was a little upset. And then like 2001, she's like, Joey, you got to take care. Because I owed the government, I owed child support. I was a fucking mess. And Terry's like, I just want you to narrow this life down. I just want you to narrow it down so we know where we're at.

I go, I don't want to know where I'm at. I'm not going to be able to fucking pay this. And we went out of for a couple fucking days. And finally one day I called the IRS. And I said, I'd like to set up an appointment. Guys, I got to tell you something. I took the best shower I ever took before I went to the IRS meeting. I shaved my asshole.

I loofed it because I didn't think I was going to come back. And I got no reason to lie to you guys I thought they were luring me in like Yeah, we'd love to see you come on down And talk about your tax problems I'm like I'm gonna go down there They're gonna fucking just keep me I got high

I put fucking adjoining my underwear I mean I was petrified I walked down there bro they do everything But rub your fucking feet at the IRS office Dog they just want you to go down there And take care of it please guys If you all the IRS Listen they're not going away

It's not like Joe the Bookie he's not going to jail. It's not like your uncle Pete. He's a fucking cancer victim. These motherfuckers do not go away. Go down there, talk to him, go up there with an empty, with an open heart, with an open heart. Go up there with empty pockets and an open heart.

And just tell him your situation, when that woman looked at me and said it's going to be $1.50 a month for three years. And I looked around that room, I'm like, this has to be like a fucking can't. camera. Like this is, guys, I didn't pay taxes for 10 fucking years. She looked me in the face and she goes, can you pay $150 a month for three months? With that, for three years, she goes, would that put you out too much? And I go, listen, $10 a month to put me out.

I like snorten, you know what I'm saying? But if it means not going to jail in 20 years and not having any beefs with you, because when they come looking for you guys, they come. They come. Pretty soon you go to your bank account. You take your girlfriend out to dinner. You're speaking Italian and shit. Oh, yeah, es cabare.

And all of a sudden you put that ATM down, that way that comes back, came up fucking empty. You're like, it's impossible. You know, I just put $2,000 in there. Go all the bank. You got $2 in that bank account. That's what happened. They take it out.

They took it from me. They took it from Felipe Spar. Bro, they don't fuck around. So when that lady looked at me and she goes, well, one-fifty a month worth. for you, Mr. Diaz, and I was like, it'll have to work. Three years. I looked at my wife, let's do it.

We signed the paperwork. I didn't miss a fucking payment. I am not going to jail for the IRS. I'm not doing it, so please. And you probably think you owe thousands. Listen, I didn't pay taxes for 10, and I had two big years in the sports betting industry and the roofing industry.

So they only go back seven. they only go back seven so even if you didn't pay taxes 15 years they only go back seven guys they go in those years so don't lie to them about those last seven years don't tell them you didn't make any money and I'll tell you man it took the

fucking it opened me up like you you think about things that you do that make you successful or that put you on the right path I gotta tell you something paying your bills put you on the right path there was two payments that were hanging on my head the IRS and Charles

I didn't know a lot in child support, but towards the end, I was getting charged. They wanted $14,000. They kept coming at me saying, we want $14,000, $14,000 for it. And I'm like, I gave you a lot of money. My wife went and took all the money orders, and we added it up. And we owe you $14,000. And then I actually called L.A. And I'm like, ready for this story, guys?

I called L.A. And L.A. is like, come on down, give it 60. The Colorado bill had became the California bill. California so scumbags, they took a $1,400 loan and billed at $60,000. They said I owed that much. The next morning my wife got up. We were just about to go pay an attorney. My wife got up.

She called Colorado. They said, what's $60? The guy goes, send me a check for $1,000. $400 and we're out of this. My wife goes, give me your fucking account number. I'll send it right over. That was it. We called California.

We go, you know that 60 we owe you? We know, you $60,000. Why are you doing? Well, late fees. $60,000. So you want $58,000 in late fees? Guys, open your eyes, get ready for these. I was like, fuck you, I'm not paying it.

My wife called. They said, we made a mistake. And it's always a mistake. And that's it. I'm out of fucking debt. But guys, I was in debt for a long time. So I know it sounds great. All these girls telling you, let's get married.

We'll put on the visa card. Fuck you. All that shit gets paid for cash and do what you can't. But if you go over your head, you're going to be paying that for the rest of your fucking life. Because you're never going to get ahead. And if you miss two payments, tell them what happens. Mike, if you make those $3.39 payments, you're done.

Then you're never getting that. out of that fucking hole. That's why I can't stand fucking credit cards. I got my American Express back. Don't ask me how. Don't ask me how. And I enjoy my American Express. First of, there's nothing on it.

There's nothing on it. And number two, but we pay it every month. My wife tells me, she makes me force shit on it. Like, put your CVS nicotine. I'm like, why would I put something on there? And she's like, because I get points. I get free plane tickets and all these shit. So just take care of yourself, guys.

You know, it's a fucking horrible life to live with bad fucking credit. And I did it for fucking, from 90 to 2008, I had bad credit. Then I got like an ATM card and I got something else and somebody sent me a card. Then I bought a car and that's how we're here today. And then I ended up with the house. So, you know, but your credit guys, once it goes bad, you're fucking dead. So if you don't, I got a friend now. I can't do anything.

Never paid his driving tickets. Can't do anything. Never pay his driving tickets. And those motherfuckers are unforgiving. Never paid his driving tickets from the time he was, you know, 20, you know, and I get it. Like, fuck, I ain't paying for this shit. How many times I ripped up a ticket?

Until they came to my house to get me one time and put me in the hallway and underwears with a fucking band around my arms. Then I learned to pay my fucking bills. I love you, motherfuckers. Thank you for a little podcast. We did today. Just something simple today.

Like I said, there's a different type of hybrid. It's one day's a Zoom, which I can tell you guys don't like. Neither the fuck do I. Sometimes it's a guest in house, or sometimes it's just me talking shit to you cock suckers. I enjoy all three of them. I love doing this shit.

I don't know where I'm going to be this week. Thursday night. I usually do a set last week. Call on let me do a set. I'm going to try to find somewhere Thursday night. I'm going to go down with Jimmy to the six of guys. game. He's trying to get tickets as we speak against the Miami Heat. I haven't been to a

fucking pro game in 30 fucking years, so I'm looking forward to it. But besides that, I love you cocksuckers with all my heart. Thank you for watching the joint. Stay black. And I'll see you cock suckers Monday morning. Tip, top, motherfucking Magoo. And now for a word from our sponsors, Jack. All right, I love you, cocksuckers. I want to thank you for supporting the church for Having my back mics, Jimmy Schubert this week, we had a great week. Before I leave, the joint is brought to you by Green Chef. Green Chef is here to help you eat better and feel better. Every week, Green Chef will send you a new recipe.

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And I'll see you Monday morning. Tip-top, motherfucker, McGoo. Don't tell nobody. But I didn't call you. Love you.