The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #163 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: May 16, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT..... It's Monday, May 16th.... This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by The Freeze Pipe.…. Support the show and get 10% off with the code JOEY at https://TheFreezepipe.com Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH for 10% OFF! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #Onnit #TheFreezePipe The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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That's the way to go. Let's get this podcast started. Tip. Top. fucking Magoo. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? Yes, it is. It's Monday, the 16th of

fucking May. Before I even start talking shit, I want to let the residents in my favorite fucking city. Buffalo, no, I got your motherfucking back. My heart goes out to the families, that fucking neighborhood,

which, you know, apparently that was the only supermarket in the neighborhood. And already this morning, if you guys want to help out, Josh Potter, great comedian out of Buffalo. Posted a link to just send groceries, guys.

This ain't going to set you back $2,000. I just sent like 40. Your Venmo it to B-Flow Community Fridge. Venmo $20, $10, $10,5 to B-Flow community fridge. They're going to deliver food, you know, milk, eggs, pamper, shit like that. You know, I went back and forth with Josh Potter. I called my other brother, Steve Chavoni. That's my first Buffalo brother.

I met Steve Chavoney in 19 motherfucking 85, 84, and Aspen. And, you know, at the time I was dating a girl from Buffalo. You know, people always say, how come you like Buffalo so much? Because I was exposed to Buffalo early on. The second reason I love Buffalo so much is the heart that these fucking people have. You know, over the last 30 years, if you don't know the history, everybody pulled out of that Fisher Price, all these big companies left Buffalo on a fucking lurch. and, you know, Rick James died.

I mean, Buffalo's been sad since Rick James died. I've been fucking sad since Rick James died, but on the fucking up and up, Buffalo's a great city, man. If it wasn't for Buffalo, I would not be doing comedy. If you really fucking think of that, that's why everybody wants to know why my loyalties to Buffalo, why I don't touch fucking ranch dressing with my wings, why I don't allow it on my fucking table,

because if it wasn't for Buffalo, I would not get on that microphone. A kid from Buffalo said he would kill me if I didn't get on stage when he came out of jail. This wasn't some fucking jerk off. This guy had killed his wife and the mailman. So I know he didn't give a fuck about me. So he looked me straight in the eye.

And he's like, hey, man, I never talked to me. I mean, I had a relationship with the guy for like eight months. I would see him every day after breakfast. I'd read newspapers in the prison fucking library. And we talk about sports and shit This motherfucker was a genius And he just would talk to me from time to time Those eight months in that fucking jail

Or wherever the fuck I was at Let me tell you something man My spirits never went down And I had a chance to go down Because I was surrounded with Buffalo people T, I mean there was so many motherfuckers In that prison Colorado from Buffalo And they reminded me

Who the fuck I was when I got in there Buffalo people are all heart and fucking boss That's why you come to my table at ranch I gotta ask you to leave because the tradition I mean and comedy up there is a different fucking level When you go up there It's a mix between Buffalo savages and Canada savages And I don't know if you've ever done comedy in front of Canada's

fucking savages they do not fuck around They come over that bridge You know the way Mexicans sneak over They sneak over that fucking bridge to Buffalo To laugh, have a good fucking time You know, so I don't want to bust out over this But hey man, my heart goes out to you motherfuckers And you know, I'm gonna look at other things

Where we could fucking help out with the Patreon But this was one thing I had to do today Was just Benvol B-Flow Community fridge And they'll drop off eggs, milk, shit like that Because this is the only supermarket in that fucking area So with that said, yeah, I don't know how much long. In the last year, two of my favorite fucking cities in the world had shootouts.

Boulder, last year at this now, maybe like a year and a half ago. Didn't something happen in Boulder, a supermarket? The supermarket, I used to shoplift fucking seafood kebabs from me and Georgie. We used to go in there. I mean, it was a great supermarket. It was a great fucking neighbor South Boulder. When I saw that that fucking guy went into Boulder, I was like, there's the beginning of the end

nothing happens in Boulder nothing happens in Boulder this is why when they killed John Renee Ramsey was all over the fucking place because nothing happens in fucking Boulder sorry guys I went for a nice long walk today a little fit soda never hurt nobody Chris Komosey called me up he's like

thank you it's great I love this and he's gonna send me some fucking rupea float and a cherry vanilla fucking flavor but you know like I was talking to my brother Steve this morning I called him up just to you know he's a buffalo dude i asked him where he was because he's like one of those snowbirds he goes to florida after the year and he goes to buffalo and he goes to buffalo and

uh you know i asked him how's the fucking town and shit and he goes the only thing that they're really happy about is that the guy wasn't from buffalo he was from out of buffalo maybe 40 minutes away an hour away because if it would have been a buffalo resident they would have really fucking been sad so again i don't want to keep harping on this shit. I feel bad for that white dude because he shot 11 black people and he shot two white dudes and I'll tell you what

Buffalo brothers don't fuck around so he's on protective protective protective custody in that jail. Buffalo's got a lot of tough brothers bro. Buffalo does not fuck around and I feel for that fucking guy but who gives a fuck.

Anyway, let him get raped in jail. What are we talking about here? You fuck up your fucking diet scope. Like some other guy was saying, well, you know, guys, we're living in a world right now. We're living in a country in America where, you know, crime is up at every fucking aspect. You know, for years, people blame guns. Like, guns, guns, guns, guns. Guys, with all this fucking shooting, you need a gun.

You need a fucking gun. I mean, I hate to fucking say it. I know a lot of you people are anti-gun and whatever. Listen, man, guns don't kill people. People fucking kill people. Obviously, there was something touched, you know, like, I told you a couple, for the last fucking two years, I've been telling you, that mental health has taken over this fucking world all of a sudden. Everybody's got a fucking people, smacking people, fucking, you know, it's just out of control.

And every day you wake up and you don't, you say to yourself, what am I going to read today? What am I going to read today? About the crime in L.A., about the crime in Miami, about the crime. It's a, the guy on Patreon put it best to me. He goes, everybody's talking about shortages of baby milk and diapers and, and, oh, The biggest shortage we have right now is a shortage of love. For some reason, it's just not fucking, it's just not fucking working, you know. And you want to think about these things, but you don't.

You know, what do you do? You live in your fucking house. You can't even go to a supermarket now. I mean, both these shootings are the last year at fucking supermarkets. Can you imagine that's a Saturday morning? I just got off the phone with Mike, Mike, what are we doing nothing? Get some hot dogs. Get some fucking burgers.

Come over. Stop at the liquor store. You know, get some buns. You know, can you imagine just walking into a supermarket just to get some fucking hot dogs, you know? Like, what were you doing wrong? What the fuck were you doing wrong? He just went in. You said hello to the clerk.

Somebody asked you about fucking golf or whatever the fuck. You're like, yeah, I don't play. Whatever. And all of a sudden, boom, you get shot in my fucking head. How do you explain that? How do you explain to yourself when you're on the fucking floor asking yourself, why did I even come here? What the fuck just happened? I just came in for a fucking, because you, you.

You actually get shot and you fucking think for a few minutes, you know, what the fuck happened. So, I don't know. I always think about that shit. I don't know if it's the actor thing that I learned like the moment before. But I always think about the moment before. Like, what were these poor people fucking thinking? They were just doing that weekly grocery shopping. I mean, listen, you know me, guys.

People get shot every fucking day for stupid reasons. Some people deserve it, you know. And some people fucking don't. you know, but these people didn't. They just, you know, you don't recover from that. You never recover from that. This is what we don't hear. We hear other people that got killed.

What about the 30 people that witnessed that? What do you think their world is at right now? It's not fucking good. These people, you know, I was someone of my wife the other day were talking about watching something. I don't know. Oh, we're watching Boardwalk Empire.

And they were talking about, you know, fucking bootlegging, whatever, out of anything, you know. And I remember telling my wife's like, yeah, you ever taste bootlegger? Yeah, it tastes like fucking gasoline. I tried it at one time. Like, what's that shit people make to try to fuck you up? It tastes like fucking horrid. They made it in jail. I don't know why people drink that shit.

Moonshine. Moonshine. Oh, my God, but not to get on a moonshine tip. You know, I was telling my wife, we're talking about, and went from drugs to whatever. We're talking about Baudwark Empire Watch, and there was no drugs back then, you know. And the conversation came up, she said to me,

she goes, how long have you not done Coke for now? And I go, it's going to be 15 fucking years. I'm happy you brought it up. I'm really proud of that, you know, I'm really proud of that. And she was like, what really got to you? If you had to, like, write a book or go to an A.A. meeting and you had to speak now looking back what was the main thing what do you think the main thing

that made you quit was I mean did you really want to quit no I mean I would have done coke till I was 80 if I could have you know honest honest I mean you want me to be honest with you I would have done coke till they would have found me on the street I was what you call a fucking and junkie, okay? But at the same time, I watched that movie, Ray, whatever the fuck, Ray Charles movie, and I saw that that dude did heroin

till like 60 something, and as much as I wanted to do Coke till I was 60 and snort and look out windows and party and do dirty things with dirty women. You know, I had a life. What I didn't have before was now in front of me. I had a fucking life. But if I had a narrow one thing, Was it for my career?

Was it for my life? It was for none of those things, guys. I never thought I had a fucking career. So I could sit here and say to you, yeah, I gave up Coke because I, no, I didn't. I gave up Coke because, A, I had to. I was getting jolts in my fucking neck. My head felt like it was going to explode. And it wasn't when I did a lie.

It was after I was settled, like I had done like a gram or two. I would just start fucking twitching. That's not good. Once you get that twitch, it's not good. Listen, it's not good. So, but this is the main thing that it was, it wasn't career, it wasn't nothing. I didn't give a fuck about anything, guys. It was, I didn't want my wife at the time was my girlfriend to find me.

That's it. That's, and I'm going to tell you why. Because again, I'm the type of guy I can find you, call the ambulance, rum through your pockets, take your fucking pinky ring off. I'm just teasing you. I could find you. How do I know? Because I found my mother and I'm still here. I could find you and call the ambulance and keep it fucking together till they leave.

How do I know? I went through it. And then after the body leaves, you go through whatever the fuck you go through. You know, I don't think my wife could have done it. I think it would have affected my wife the same way those people at the supermarket yesterday or in Colorado. Or anytime you witness anything. like that you feel for a few days you just feel like everything's been taken away you feel dirty you know you feel a lot of things how do i know because i saw a lot of things in my life but since i was an animal

it didn't affect me how it would affect normal people i saw things as a kid i saw like my stepdad shooter guy you know i just saw a bunch of fights at the bar and people bleeding and all that shit so i kind of got used to my wife never was you know she wasn't mike mike's a sweetheart of a guy players the guitar has some fucking kids doesn't bother anybody if mike found me on the floor if he came here to do a podcast and i was still doing coke and mike found me he wouldn't be the same for 18 two years and then every year he'd have like a little fucking mental breakdown not like he'd end up in a white jacket or something but you get quiet for a few days it really affects who the fuck you are to witness anything like that a debt you know you don't even know what happens to your

mind when you witness shit like that. So that was the reason why I basically fucking just said, you know what? I got to get off this fucking wagon because she can't find me. And even if I die

and I'm, you know, she's got nothing. She'll never be the same person again. She'll probably move on and have another relationship or whatever, but that'll stay with her for fucking ever. And she'll have to do therapy about it,

maybe talk to somebody after a few years because you never know how to process that shit. Nobody knows how to process that shit. that shit. But now, on a fucking lighter note, cocksuckers, I have not watched the Amber Hurd fucking

Johnny Depp thing, not even for two minutes. And I did not know what was going on with Brian Callan and Bobby Lee and all these guys. I had no idea. Guys, honest to God, for all you guys that wrote me little fucking side notes that

Brendan was a fucking worm and all this shit because me and John Berndtall were talking about him. Listen, guys, I I don't know what's going on. I don't know who hits on who. I don't know what's set up there anymore. Like I said, before we even start this conversation, mental health is fucking king. So I don't know what happened.

Mike kind of told me I know that after I did the podcast with John, I thought everything was fine. There was no fucking, you know. And all of a sudden two days later, people like Joey, I think you're wrong about Brendan. He's a fucking chooch, he's this, he's that. And I was like, hey, guys, listen. know the dude he's a student of comedy he works hard i i have not it's like i haven't been around brandon for 18 months but when you open up the computer you see you know when you go on youtube to get music or whatever there's always a one brandon this brandon special chuli poppy

brandon this i don't even know what the fucking say anymore i don't even know you know i watch the special it's on youtube i watch like 15 minutes of it it's brandon is it's brandon is it fucking hysterical. No, but it's funny. He has some great fucking things. It's like any other special. I fucking watch on Netflix or any other fucking thing.

I mean, okay, it's outstanding to fucking like Rodney and all those motherfuckers, no. But Brendan's doing okay. He's trying, like I said, I don't know what's going on. Him hitting on Bobby Lee's girlfriend, Bobby Lee's girl. I don't know any about that thing. All I know is what his character

shows me when I open up. He started Thickboy. He does a food diary. He fucking started a clothing line. He's fucking trying. If you don't like him, don't buy the shirts. If you don't like it, don't fuck. But for you motherfuckers to sit there constantly, constantly, and tear into it.

I don't even know who the fuck it is. I don't even know who the fuck it is. Tears into him constantly. He's not, you don't think he knows that. You don't think he's heard that. But you know what? I give him credit because after all the shit, everybody says, he still shows up. He still shows up. How many people would show? Would you show up of you a fucking Brendan?

With all the shit against? He still shows up to the comedy store. He still shows up to all these places whether he's good or not. Somebody's paying $25 to go see him. Right or wrong? I mean, somebody's paying the fucking money to go see him. So what do you, for all these shows that he's selling out, are you people going to see a fuck? What's the chick that died from the ODs at the end? It's the singer. I went to rehab. No, no, no. Whatever. Fuck, Natalie, whatever. I'm sorry. I don't know. What's that chick's name?

I got to remember. You know, I want to go to rehab. That girl, at the end, she was selling our shows. People were like, oh, she passed out. Well, guess what? If she sold 5,000 tickets, 4,000 tickets were people who went to see the train wreck. Do you know that? I mean, and it's fucking scary to say that a guy like me would pay 45 bucks or 50 bucks or 60 bucks to go.

there with my heart. Oh, she's going to be different. She's not going to shoot heroin today. You know, she's not going to drink fucking 18 cocktails. She's not going to do 30 Xanax. I'll be fine. I'm Joey Diaz.

I'm going to go see whatever. What's the name, please? Amy Winehouse with a fucked up feet. Because you know her, she had stinky toes. Every time I see his shoes and shit, I'm like, that bitch got those English stinky little toes and shit. I love her the debt, though.

She could sing. But would I pay 50 bucks to go see a train wreck? to go cheer for somebody to train wreck that? Some people do. That's not what I'm about. I don't even, you know. The same people that comment. But years ago, years ago,

one of the best open mics you'd ever go to. Mike, when you went to this open mic, you didn't even think it was an open mic. You thought this was a fucking paid show. I wish, I always say this to people I wish I would have taped shit I wish I would have been one of those idiots

I wish I would have been Japanese and walked around with a camera 20 years ago like with a blogger or something guys I would have showed you footage that would have fucking made your head blow up Houston Laptop had an open mic that started at 7

and it went to but it wasn't it was like the open mic I had in Seattle it was all right in Seattle we had 15 comics so

out of the fifth let me just be honest out of the 15 people on the list six of them were stand-up comics three of them were open-mic comics

that were working towards something they were really working towards something so what does that get me that's nine so five it would be me

Brody, Josh Wolf, Tana Manu, and Gavin. Let's just say five real comics that were getting feature work. Maybe a headliner would show up. Maybe. So you got five, six real comics.

Then you had three guys that had been doing comedy for two years, maybe a year, maybe three years, and they're getting there. You know who all the other six people were? Mental health. I'm sure where you do your fucking open mic, Mike,

there's mental health shows. Yeah. Okay. And, you know, I mean, I hold my open mic career. Listen, because you have a beginning of comedy, then you have an open mic career, and then you move into like other realms like MCN and feature. But you're still a fucking open mic.

So when I moved to Seattle, I was still a fucking open micer. And I went, I wrote hard every Monday. You know, I worked hard during the week. I made little notes. And then everything was about Monday in Seattle. The same thing. If I bring a Houston comic up here, whether it's Sean Wesleying or Slade Ham,

they'll tell you, in 2007, Mondays was everything to those people. Mondays was everything to me in L.A. Because you had Freaky Monday, you had Latino Night at the Laugh Factory, you had Freaky Monday at the Improv, you had Latino Night at the Comedy Store

was just an open mic. So you had three spots you could fucking run. In Houston, Monday night, was open mic. Females, comics, hot. We go down there and get drunk and, you know, the comics want to be funny so they could pick up the young female comics.

It was a fucking beautiful thing to see. But you guys got, now in Houston, for example, they had seven to two. That's seven hours. Seven hours. So from seven to eight, it was comics from Houston, like in the area.

You know, guys that were working out at a What's His Name Spot? The Comedy, where Ralphie started with Theaer Vidal and all that. It was across town. You had comics at Laugh Spot and the Laugh Stop. They had two clubs in Houston for a long time. The Laugh Stop and the Laugh Spot. So you had all those comics from the Laugh Spot that weren't allowed to mingle, but at the end of the day, Houston had a huge comedy scene.

And it was fucking brilliant to watch. No comic left on Monday. like if you worked the whole week in houston Thursday you know Wednesday to Sunday you didn't fucking leave Monday morning even if you lived in LA you left Monday night or Tuesday morning because the party Monday was so fucking unbelievable it was so fucking unbelievable but back to what I'm saying about mental health at these fucking things okay so let's say one of the guys a prep guy is opening up, like he's been doing comedy two years. Then maybe Brody Stevens would follow him, and then maybe Tena would go up or Josh

Wolf. You know, these are all potential feature acts. Let me tell you something, from number four to number eight or number four, six, and seven, because the guy who wrote the list out was Carl. And Carl knew how to space it out. He knew the fucking mental health victims. So what he would do is when the mental health victims would come in and got, Guys, Joey, why do you call mental health victim?

Well, because one guy used to come on with a fucking handcuff. Just one handcuff with a suit. And when I left Seattle, he killed himself. He left a note like he blew himself up or something. It was not good, you know. And it's very sad, guys. These are people who are alone, they're lonely, and they go to open mics and they think they're comics.

And God bless them. God bless them. I've been doing comedy for 30-something years. I've been involved in comedy. I think at the comedy store was the first time I started getting into with open micers because they fucking attack you at the comedy store.

But in Seattle, on all those places, I was always very, comedy is a karma business. So if you're going to sit in the back and goof on the fucking young guys and shit, it's not going to work out for you. So watch,

because those open micers say shit from time to time that you'll learn something. They just had a flash of brilliance. You've been doing comedy seven years and you're like, holy fuck, that dude makes sense on what he was saying. This guy's, you know, whatever.

So, you know, the mental health guys, the guys that went up there, and, like, there was a guy in Seattle who would just go up and go, good evening. I'm doing an impersonation of a bird. Did you like it? Then he would go,

my next impersonation is me as a chipmunk, and he'd go. That's where I've seen the Kyle TV. And he goes, do you like it? And people wouldn't know what the fuck to say, You don't know what the fuck to say. But let me tell you something about that.

As bad as that dude was bombing. He was creating a show. He was creating a kind of experience. Like, I'm watching it from afar going, this is a weird fucking situation. And I'm looking at the audience, okay? Because at the Seattle, listen, guys, my hope in my career was my favorite part of doing comedy.

Looking back now, fucking loved it. Fucking loved it. It sucks to walk into a room and 400 people love you. It sucks. to walk into a comedy room and 1,500 people to theater go crazy. It sucks.

That sucks about comedy. Real comedy is going out there and convincing those motherfuckers that you're funny. Now, these motherfuckers that come to the open mic, they all go to like a fucking, we're not laughing meeting together. Like, we're not going to laugh at your jokes me.

Like 20 of those people go to a meeting and they buy a ticket. Then they come to the thing. And the people go to open mics, they go there and they sit like this. That's it. This is your audience at an open.

Mike. So when you walk out there and you see this, you don't really fucking want to do shit. You're like, God damn, this is going to be work. You know, when I come out, hey, how you doing, motherfucker? People are like, ah, it's Joey. That's great. I love it. I've worked hard to get to that point, but it sucks. It really sucks.

Look at last year. Philly Helium was doing a show on Wednesdays. Secret headliner. Sold out every week. I think that's a brilliant idea. They don't know who the headliner is. They don't pay the 20. It could be a good guy or it could be a shitty guy.

But it's people who want to sit down and get that different experience. They want to maybe, let's go. We're not doing nothing. Sit at home and watch Ozark again. You know, some guy fucking laundering money. Hello? Anyway, you know, everybody talks about it. I got to stay in and watch Ozark.

Go fuck yourself. You've never even sold a nickel bag. Get the fuck out of my face. You're living vicariously by these fucking half-a-fag actors. Get the fuck out of here. So, you know, that guy in Seattle ended up killing himself. Me and Josh laughed about it when we got here. Like, we didn't laugh about it.

He just said, you know, I could kill him something. We were like, it surprises you. He went up on stage with a fucking handcuff and a suit on. There was another guy that would just go up there and say, you know, this is my impersonation of a bird. There was another guy that would just go up there with a ukulele. I remember in Denver. There was a guy that would go up on stage and tape his set.

and then come back to me and hit record. I mean, first of all, this kid was nice kid. Tons of money. Tons of money for you young comics that have tons of money that want to spend $10,000 on a promo pack. Don't do it. Because if you're not experienced, this guy had, not only that he had money,

this motherfucker, he was like 25. He found like a 50-year-old girl to finance his comedy career. She was buying him $1,000, suits for him to get on stage. He had a promo pack that was second to none. Like if you call me and go, Joey, I don't mean to bother you're doing a show here on the third.

Can I get a promo pack? Bitch, you're going to get a fucking, you're going to get a headshot and a resume. And it's going to be an old resume. I'm not going to lie to you. It's not going to be updated because I don't give a fuck about that shit anymore. You saw me on the TV, right? That's all you need to know. What episode or what?

Who gives a fuck? So, what are we talking about? So this motherfucker would send you a promo pack. That was a box. It was a fucking box in the mail. It would come to you like this. You would take it out, put it down, and one side would open,

and it would have, like, pictures and a bunch of lies about newspaper reviews. Like he just said, The London Post said, brilliant and, you know, heartwarming. The Jersey Journal said fucking, anyway. And he put that on the end, and then he would make these clips at his house.

This is 1990 guys, 91 when I met this kid. I hung out with this kid from 91 to about 95, and I really tried to fucking help him as a comedian. One day I got in this car, and he goes, you can't talk for an hour. And I go, why not? What's going on? He goes, I thought it was like a Ramadan dude, or one of those motherfuckers. He goes, no, no, no, I'm going to listen to my tape of me fighting hecklers.

So it was just a tape of him With his wife or girlfriend yelling like hey Where'd you learn how to whisper an helicopter and all this shit? Like just all these stock Like you know When you go to a comedy club If you don't go to a fucking improv or one of those If you're like a lesser known comedy club

Behind a Bowen Alley or something like that You're going to see comics that I don't know They talk about shit like that You know that's their world of comedy I don't even know what the fucking talking about. This is terrible. I can't be smoking dope anymore in the morning. I smoke some of that fucking, holy shit.

Weed sometimes, if you put it away, that motherfucker picks up momentum. It's like an expired viking. You ever eat an expired viking, dog? Those motherfuckers do not fuck around. Usually two of those, like when somebody says to me, they got some expired shit at the house. I go, give me 10 minutes. Let me swing by and see what you got. Because I know some people who love expired medications. But dog, I put away. some of that fucking the white truffle is like 26% 27% it's okay I put some away the other day and I found it and it was drier than shit you know when that weed gets dry and the fucking THC comes to the top and it coached that bud I mean these buds were terrible looking I fucking zipped it up and I smoked last

night I was doing it last night because I came down here about one I could not fucking sleep uh Sunday night and I fucking came down here about one I go what the fuck am I going to do So I rolled up a joint of the white truffle, and I put some heavy-duty fucking, what do you call that? Sheikif and that shit. But then I found this other weed that me and Mike had smoked last week, the London lichiness. What was that?

We smoked something in lime, something. It was something that came. Lemon Snickers. I found the lemon snickers, and it was dry, brittle dry. It was hidden behind an old picture of Uncle Joey. I saw it back there. Like, what the fuck is this?

Let me tell you some. I cut that motherfucker up with a scissors. I didn't even put it up in the grinder. You know, when it gets that brittle. Fuck the grinder. You're just going to take all those beautiful little fucking glass. I cut that motherfucker up. It had to be a joint.

It was a big fucking bazooka-type joint. And I put some keef in that motherfucker. And I rolled it up last night. Oh, my God. I went outside and I smoked out. And I just sat outside and looked around. I saw some deer walking around. I don't know what.

I saw like a possum or a raccoon. He wasn't. close to me. He was like across the street. Huge motherfuckers. And I came inside last night and I ate a bag of blueberries and a half a bag of those cherries. Woo! I took a shit this morning. You know those shits that you feel like you got raped?

You ever take those shits that you feel like it burns? Like when you get out of the bathroom two hours later your body feels all crooked. Like that's the shit I took this morning. My body was all crooked when I walked out of there. Oh my God. Anyway, who needs to know about that shit? Back to the open mic. What I was trying to say to you guys

An open mic is a fucking A good open mic like I love to do an open mic here Like I really love to do It can't be at a comedy club Because I like to have everything involved I like to have some acoustic Some fucking like somebody who throws cards Maybe a magician that the bird gets stuck

Like an apprentice magician Dog that's the funniest thing you'll ever see The birds get stuck on the light You know he doesn't connect the ropes and shit Oh my God have one of those and like they used to be the show in Vegas years ago with midgets

I forgot the fucking name when I first started comedy he was fucking crazy he was still trying to do it years ago or whatever I like to do something like that in an open mic setting which is craziness to really prepare

because you need an audience that will give you some shit I'm sorry to say with an open mic you do need an for the or like in Houston we used to do the open mic every three comics somebody would yell something you know and that listen if it's not mean

if it's not like when we were doing the open mic the guy yeah if it's kind of like the guy that used to do the open mic and say this is my impersonation of a bird this is my impersonation of a flower one day we just yelled up

towards the end do an impersonation of a comic and you could hear the he just fractured shoot, walked off and never came back. He probably went to a fucking open mic at a poetry reading. Because every fucking open mic is different. Have you been to a poetry reading open mic?

Oh boy. It's been a long time. I started at poetry reading open mics. Holy shit. Guys, my fucking first year, I did comedy. And listen, I don't mean to fucking, you know, I don't want to. blow my horn here.

But it doesn't surprise me that I got as far as I did in comedy. Because in the beginning, I did anything I had to do to get on stage. And this is why I knew when I got here, when I got off the fucking boat and came back to Jersey, that I would just wait to see if I would put my sneakers on, on my own. No, on my own. No money, no nothing. I want to see if I could go, hmm, I'm not doing anything tonight.

There's an 8 o'clock spot. Let me look over my material and let me go over that because guys, I know me. When I started, you have no idea the places I went to. You are not going to tell me no. Listen, you're never going to tell me no. Let's get this fucking straight.

When you're in love with something, you know, Mike and I were talking about responsibilities. If I had what I had now, Like if we had, listen, if I had mercy when I started comedy and my wife, we would have lived in a room this big. This would have been our fucking apartment. That's for starters. I couldn't afford anything. And neither could my fucking wife.

Okay. So you go to an open mic and you give it everything that you got. When I started comedy, you know, I used to drive to Cheyenne, Wyoming. Shay in Wyoming to bomb And then bomb And then drive back with that bomb Because let me tell you something You know

When you're sitting by yourself in a car And you're thinking about your bomb And it's something that you want to do You want to do so bad That you fucking taste it You could taste that fucking microphone I wanted to do comedy So bad nothing was going to stop me

So if it was in Boulder Like I said I told you guys That story about the Chinese guy Run That I would show up to his little fucking restaurant and put them together. I was doing comedy in Chinese restaurants. First of all, I stole that idea.

I didn't steal it. I heard that they were doing comedy in Boston. All those Boston comics got huge by doing this restaurant once a week on Monday nights. It was upstairs. It was a Chinese restaurant. I always thought that was the coolest thing I ever heard in my life. When on Christmas Eve, there's a Chinese restaurant in San Francisco every year that brings in a Jewish comic to do comics.

to do comedy on Christmas or Christmas Eve at a Chinese restaurant. I've always loved that thing about a Chinese restaurant. So, you know, I used to go to Ron and, you know, I asked every Chinese restaurant in Boulder. The one I delivered at, they didn't have a stage. But Ron had an outdoor area where you could do fucking stand-up comedy.

You know, I used to go to Cheyenne, Wyoming. I used to go to Cheyenne, Wyoming for lunch. It's an hour and a half drive to get shrimp and lobster sauce. And then I would sit there the rest of the day to do Bobby whatever's room, some comic up that's still around. I still think he has the room up in Loveland, Colorado. Bobby Blotz, I forget what his fucking name was, you know. But I think the most painful thing I had to do was go to a poetry reading.

I used to go to a poetry reading as I think Wednesday nights and Saturday nights. Because Saturday nights, no comedy club is going to put you up for a guest spot. You're just sitting there unless you have your own thing going on unless you're working. nobody wants to see an open mic on a Saturday night, you know, so you're dead. When you first start comedy or anything like that, nobody's going to give you love on the weekend. So you get yourself a job, fucking Ubering. For me, it was delivering Chinese food selling Coke, delivering fucking Domino's Pizza, whatever the fuck I could do. But I would shoot, after I delivered Domino's Pizza, I would shoot over the Penny Lane Coffee House.

Fucking loved that place in Boulder. And it was, you know, a bunch of fucking. hippies, a bunch of wannabe, you know, woodstockers and shit. And I would go in there. And the thing I remember the most was maybe my second comedy, the time I went

to open poetry reading. There was a dude up there. And he was doing what's that when you just talk you just talk about shit like, you know, they call it something. It's an art now. Talking like when you talk story.

It's not storytelling. It was poetry reading. It was poetry night, so it was kind of a poem. But anyway, this motherfucker stayed up there for like 15, 20 minutes talking about that he ran, and he ran, and he ran, and he ran, and he ran, and he saw mountains and hills. And he keeps talking about Iran, I ran. I was with a guy, that was in the halfway house with. In fact, that's how I would get the spots at the poetry reading. He was like an old geezer. He was like my age now, and he was a bank robber, but he was dating a hot little fucking girl that was a sweetheart. She ran the coffee shop, so she told me, she goes, they don't want you to come in here and do comedy, but I'll let you in at night.

This motherfucker went up and he's like, I ran, I ran. I kept running through the marsh and all this shit. Me and my buddy are like, what the fuck is he talking about? So when she goes, Joey, you're up next. I just went up there and mimic the fucking guy. So I ran, and I ran, and I ran. I hit a fucking tree with my head. I didn't even know what I said.

And they're like, get the fuck out of here. So I would do that shit. And then they had an open mic that was all night. They had a fucking, uh, a poetry reading. that was until 6 in the morning. Come on, guys. People would come in there and start, like, with their shit, and they smoked those weird cigarettes, cloves,

cloves, and fucking, oh, drinking coffee. And I would go down there, man, and they chased me the fuck out of it. But I didn't give a fuck. I would wait. I'd actually go home and put it on my calendar. All right. So I got there Sunday to 15th,

and they'd throw me out. I can't go back there until Sunday to 29th. And then I would go back down to 29th. I used to do an open, Mike after a fucking what's that shit achy-breaking heart line dancing class think about that shit

I used to and people used to go how do you go down there they're all rednecks I don't give a fuck I gotta get state time and I would basically go there to bomb bomb bomb it was a number you know sales and comedy are a lot of like

it's a numbers game you could lose your fucking mind for years or you could get a pen, caught a piece of paper and write 10,000 sets backwards and just start going. 9,999, 99, 9, 9, 9.9.8. You know, for comedy, you're going to have to do 10,000 spots just to get somebody's fucking name. Think about it.

If you do 30 spots a month, which that's a day off or two sets for 15 days, right? Times 12 is 360 spots. if you did that for 10 fucking years, 360 spots for fucking 10 years, all right? Let's just make it safe. Let's pretend

you fucking, I gotta get a calculator. I don't even know what my fucking calculator is here. That's how stupid I am. So it isn't easy, but I just want to make sure that I don't want to fuck you guys over. So you did 360 spots.

And that's if you didn't get, get hurt. That's if your girlfriend didn't dump you. That's if your mother didn't die. That's if your dog didn't get hit by a car. That's got to be fucking perfect. 30 spots a month. It's 360. At 10 years, 360 spots time fucking 10 years is still 3,600 spots. That's nowhere near 10,000. So, all right, let's be fair. You got to do 3,600 spots before you even call my fucking number. but God's that for you. But no, that's, and that's what people need to know. When people are not selling, you know, my buddy works at the Subaru dealer where I bought the Subaru.

We became friends after I bought the Subaru. Whenever I'm in freehold, I stop in, I say hello, I look at the car, you know. I'm killing time. I got to go freehold for therapy sometimes for my leg. But even him, he was telling me one day he hasn't sold a car. And we got to just got to get out there and talk to people. That's it. Talk to everybody.

talk to the lady who goes into fucking service, talk to the guy who comes in with a red, ugly truck, talk to all those people. And after a while, it's just a fucking numbers game. This is a numbers game, guys. I can sit here and tell you you have to be born with a special gift. There's no fucking gift. You got to put the time in.

That's it. And consistency and enthusiastically. You know, right now, I like doing comedy. I don't want to do it every fucking night. I don't even know what to do comedy. I can go into the city, but I'm not driving two hours a fucking day. But 30 years ago, I would drive into the city twice. I'd probably drive over there in the afternoon,

just to fucking do an afternoon spot, come home, work, pick somebody up at the airport when I was driving limos, and I'd go back over there. Guys, this is a work-based fucking business, sales, comedy, but you could do it. You know why? Because it's repetitious, and it's a numbers game. it's a fucking numbers game

so the more you fucking do it the better you get out of it you know I see all these people every time I go online you know I started swinging club bells again a little bit you know Alberto crane taught me when I was in L.A. And so I can't do kettlebells with my knee and shit I've just been

doing the club bells again I don't even know why I brought this up what was I talking about that I brought the club bells up I don't even fucking know but it's so weird that whenever I go on YouTube I went on last night to look at, you know, clubbell swings. Like the accurate way to do it, Alberto sent me a few tapes, and he pointed me at Scott's son and who does some,

not kettlebell swims, those fucking bat swings and shit. And it's so weird. It's all the fucking numbers game, guys. You know, I could say that, yeah, listen, like for Brendan Shaw, for example, he's a fighter, and I'll tell you something. He crossed over to become a comic podcaster or whatever. You know what, man? I will support Brendan to whatever because he does the job.

I have not yet to hear a thing that Brendan stole a joke. I have not heard anything that, you know, whatever Brendan does with his side with women, that's his business. I'm not even talking about that. Brendan has always gotten my respect because he's never been afraid of the oven. You know, man, you got to hold your feet to the fucking. fire and he's

been doing it and whether you like him or not, listen, he's going to keep working. The more you guys push him and keep saying stupid shit about him, he's going to keep working and it might take him 10 more fucking years. But he's going to put it together and he's going to prove people wrong

if he sticks it out. And it was the same thing I did, guys. You know, when I got to LA, I was getting tortured. I'm too dirty. I'm too fucking old. I'm too fat. I'm too... Listen, you're not focusing on main thing is the fucking funny so go fuck yourself with all that other shit and guess what the reason i'm tight with joe after all these years and i'm tight with bert and tom because they know i never

fucking skip the fucking beat i did everything that was needed to be done not once but twice biches i had two horrible three horrible specials who gives a fuck about that when i'm up there fucking live i will rock your fucking world but that just didn't happen guys i just didn't do that i just didn't do that I had a sweat. I had to fucking cry. I had to go out there. You know, I had to be, I just heard something. You know, I heard this a couple of years ago.

Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. That's it. You want to succeed in life. You've got to do the things that you don't want to fucking do. And I did them, even though I didn't want to fucking do them. I fucking did them. You know, I didn't want to work on a Sunday, but I had to stay. I wanted to go to Mike's wedding.

but I had a fucking show you know Mike and I were talking about responsibility you know we got here today about how Mike can't go to see me with Joe on the third and fourth he's got a wife

he's got fucking kids you know and that's something that nobody prepares you for I have friends that call me now and they're like hey man and they're younger than me and God bless them I love them they think about me but they're like hey man

what are you doing right now let's hook up and let's go and I'm like guys I'm in the middle of a softball game. I'm in the middle of a kid's birthday party. I'm in the middle of, you know, I just can't get up and leave. Don't get me wrong. I love to do what you're doing instead of being here.

But this is where I need to be. That's where I want to be. This is where I need to be. It's two different fucking stories. And that's what makes you a better version of you guys, honest to God. You know, anybody could do, like I just told you, You know, I love doing comedy.

But I got to be honest. It was Ari who brought up to me years ago, and that's why my Netflix special wasn't as good as I wanted it to be, because I didn't perform at the comedy store before that Netflix special. For some reason, me and Ari were talking about how you go into these audiences

that are there to see you and that you can't do anything wrong in front of them so you don't know what you're doing wrong. So because of that, I was like, fuck it. He's got a point. I won't put my name on any list. And I'll go to places like I was going to flappers. I was going to the Fourth Wall, which I really didn't belong in at that time.

But I went, the Fourth Wall is an open mic place in L.A. A lot of young comics hanging there. I enjoyed myself going there. Like people would ask me different questions. Young comics would ask me questions. It was great to help somebody out, but I didn't belong there. But I thought what Ari said and him and us. I were talking.

I was like, yeah, you got a point there. So I'll go to all these rooms that don't know I'm coming. Well, you know, they knew I was fucking coming because somebody let them know anyway. But the point is, I didn't do what was comfortable. And that was all the way up to the end in 2016 when I didn't have to do a fucking special. People were coming to the shows. I was doing great on set, on stage. I had a fucking hour.

I always had a new hour. But you have to do that to grow from time to time. And it's like now, I got two weeks. week still fucking showtime with rogan i got about 25 fucking minutes on paper which means i got 18 on stage right if you got 25 and to be honestly i'm kind of scared because 25 on paper for a regular comic would be 20 i speak so fucking fast and i blow through it and my energy level that i got to do at 15 you know right now i'm preparing for that i'm two weeks away and i'm preparing for it like a little kid i'm excited uh Thursday i'm going with

Jimmy down to Uncle Vinnie's to do a benefit for one of the kids in the Marlboro sports section so I'm gonna go get a set in there I'm thinking I'm going into the city maybe Tuesday night I spoke to somebody all I need is just a couple sets to warm up for fucking Rogan and I'll be ready the most important I'm like I mean the physical performance is that it's the the material and my confidence in material and how I put it out so I made a couple nice little jokes this weekend I don't even know if they're nice little jokes They just, and I'm not being, uh, I'll tell you what, man, I don't want to, I'm going for it, guys.

When I'm up there, I'm doing short sets like I'm doing the 20 minutes with Bert, and I'm doing the 15. And I did that for a reason. I don't think I could, I think I lost a step as a comic. We all do. I haven't been in that fucking realm of, you know, the comedy store in two fucking years. That's, uh, you're in the major leagues, pal. You know, I was in the major leagues for 23 fucking years. stepped out of the major leagues.

Now I got a great comedy scene in New York. If I want to attack it, I got a great comedy scene here, but now I'm busy, I'm getting old. All I got to do, you know, I enjoyed with Gay, I never saw Gabriel in L.A. Unless he did the podcast. Or somebody told me he was going to ha-ha. You know how many times I've seen Kevin Hart in L.A.?

Zero. Because those motherfuckers do their best writing when they're on the road. They really do. I really got to hand that to him. They do great writing on the road when they're in, town they don't work out they don't want to know about working out they don't want to talk about working out so so monday morning's podcast we're going to end with this guys you want to grow as a fucking human being do what you don't want to do to get to that fucking goal all those things that you

think suck that's what needs to be done you know it's funny with comedy i'm the first motherfucker to complain i really am i'm the first guy that's looking for a complaint but was when i was on my road when I was on my fucking mission for gold, I didn't complain. I just went in there. What do you think I did fucking these great venues? When I was fucking, no. You know, when you're going into a great venue,

like Atlantic City, the Stress Factory, Uncle Vinnie's, New York Comedy Club, Carolines, when you go up to these great venues, you get fired the fuck up. You get fired the fuck up. You're like, fuck! I never thought I would be at fucking Carolines. I got to show these motherfuckers,

real fuck I am. So that's part of it. But when you're playing Snake River, South Dakota, whatever the fuck it is, how excited are you? You know, you thought you were going to be on the Jerry Lewis Telethon hanging out with fucking celebrities. And here you are in Snake River. Fucking talking to a Mexican waiter in the back, because he's the only guy that speak Spanish in the next 10 fucking miles.

Well, I got some coke from some weed, so he cut the fucking thing. But you guys know what I mean. It's a long way to the top if you want to rock and roll. ACDC said it best. I love you motherfuckers at all my heart. It's Monday morning. I got shit to do and people to motherfucking see. I'm happy because I could finally announce that I'm going to be somewhere.

Thursday, the 19th. I'll be with Jimmy Florentine down in Uncle Vinnie's. I think there's like 30 tickets left. I'm only going to do like 15 minutes just to warm myself up. But if you want to come out on Thursday night and have a good time, come on down and help some people with a good cause. Come on down. Go to Uncle Vinnie's right now

and take a look at Uncle Vinnie's.com, I think, and point pleasant, and take a look and buy a fucking ticket. You're helping out some kids and whatnot. And that's it and that's that, motherfuckers. It's Monday morning. I got no fucking, I got no beef for you guys. I don't know.

I'm happy that Brendan's happy. I'm happy that Amber Hurd's happy. You know, some idiot, some idiot fucking hit me up. the other day and said, do you think as a professional, do you think Amber Hurd was really snorting coke up on stage?

Do you see it? Joe put the video up and then took it down. Why what happened? I don't know. It was just a video for her. I've heard with a tissue? Yeah. Listen, guys, if she did Coke,

dog, listen, I've done some coke in some weird fucking places, but I've never done in a judge's fucking chamber. If that bitch did Coke and a judge's chamber, sign her up. She'll let you light her asshole on fire that crazy bitch and just from what i've heard guys it's not good it's so weird how some guy and i'm trying to tell you guys with the john bernthal podcast and i wanted to talk to him about it maybe i'll

bring it up next week i got a guy coming on here that you guys are going to love but you know i read an article after the amber heard thing and the chris rock thing and the guy of new york times and it was pretty interesting because i think the same way guys when i was coming up i thought charles Bronson was a god i thought steve mcqueen was a god i thought eva garden was a god i thought all these actors that i saw were these big fucking people clinice would they were just big you know i love rich of gear i saw richard gear one night and i didn't go up to him i didn't say hello i didn't fucking want to take a picture there was no pictures then there was no fucking

like nobody had a phone there can but my point is the reason why i didn't go up to richard gear that night was because I'm a piece of shit. I'm a fucking guy from Jersey. What do I know about that fucking world? These guys were born with fucking gold spoons in their pocket or so I thought. But when you look

at a celebrity, Marlon Brando, fucking, the chick that you sang out with Michael Jackson with the monkeys. What was her name? Elizabeth Taylor, you know, Diana Ross. These people are fucking huge icons. You know, at least they were to me.

When I look at Julius Irving as a basketball player They meant the world to me guys Larry Bird meant the fucking world to me I kept telling my mom I want to move to French lick Indiana I want to move to French Lick Indiana You know Doesn't fucking matter you know I'm the idiot that I was

I thought there were everything to me The last couple years Because of what's going on With social media They're not big anymore When Amber Hurd took a lot of to stand against Johnny Depp.

I shouldn't keep saying Amber Heard. When Johnny Depp, this whole thing that came through, what this guy said on this article he wrote, which is really brilliant. He said that it was the end of the celebrity. And it really is. Celebrities come a dime a dozen now. They come a dime a fucking dozen.

You could contact them. They could do a fucking bubble picture. What do you call those things? They could send a cameo to you. You know, you could reach them. you know and i like that this has become this way it's it's great but i want you guys to know that this wasn't the way it always was a celebrity was something that was so far from you it was so far from you that you couldn't even imagine in your mind they were so much better than

you and they're really not they'll put their pants on one long at a time you learn that when you know you're 2018 19 this guy can suck my dick he puts his pants one leg at a time But they were so big now they're nothing like now they're nothing I never considered myself a celebrity I hate the fucking thought of it I'm an R rated comic I'm not a celebrity I'll never do one of those VH1 things That's not my bag I'm a dirty comic I went to jail and that's it I got some movies Take it do what you want with it. There's nothing spectacular here. There's no talent here I can't do a magic trick I can't save a life I can't do nothing so I don't consider myself these fucking things

the only thing I got a few people my balls and my heart and my lessons on how to fucking stick it out with these jerkoffs and let them know they ain't shit but now you could contact the celebrity you could talk to them you could attack them on stage you could fucking smack them on stage

it's like they're nothing they've become nothing but we've lowered the bar as as Americans like we've low Like, really? Like, all these people, like, they, you really care about this dude? Like, this dude don't care about you.

Like, when I see all these young girls, they try to be Kim Kardashian, it's like, you guys have no idea. Did you see what came out? That a mother pimpter out with R.J. And guys, it's L.A. It's disgust. You have nothing to do with that. That's a disgusting life.

You imagine your mother was behind your fucking porn tape. Are you fucking seriously? But that's, and, This is the shit that you people watch and think it's acceptable and stuff. Even me. I'm a fucking pig. You can't put a silk hat on a fucking pig. But I'm not here trying to tell you how to run your life.

I'm just here telling you you could do it. Whatever the fuck you want to do, whatever you think is far away from you that you can't maintain. Like when I was a kid and I see those celebrities and go, I could never be in a movie. I can. Fuck you. You could do whatever the fuck you want, especially now. They ain't shit. So strap on a fucking pair and get your thing.

thinking up. It's over. There's no more. There's nobody better than you. All these motherfuckers, these sports athletes, look at the shit they're doing half the fucking time. They ain't better than you. You guys think you're missing some. Oh, I'm not hanging out with Jason Mamoa. Who gives the fuck? That guy can't do an algebra fucking problem. Tell them what to. Come on, guys. Get your shit together. These fucking people. This is what you spend your time. You why, this is entertainment. This ain't no big fucking deal. I can't do none. I can't do a magic I can't cook a pot roast. Who the fuck is this shit?

Do you know what I'm saying? At least I'm honest. I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great week. Stay black and don't take no shit from nobody. And now for a word for my motherfucking sponsors, Jack. All right, I want to thank you, motherfuckers.

I want to thank Amber Hurd. I want to thank everybody who we talked about on a podcast today. Sick, Cuckuckuckers. I love you. But anyway, before we go, the joint is brought to you by freeze pipe. I talked about this in the beginning of the fucking show.

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Pressing Joey church or joint and get 10% off delivered right to your motherfucking house. Tip Top McGoo. I want to thank Freeze Pipe. I want to thank on it, but most importantly, I want to thank you motherfuckers for always having my back. Stay black. Have a great week and I'll see you Cox Suck this Wednesday. Tip Top Magoo. Love you.